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Alcoholics. Quality of Life. Perfect. All right. I thank Lisa for asking me to come out and speak. Like Eric said, it's an honor and a privilege to do anything in Alcoholics Anonymous. I didn't always feel that way, but today I do. Let me get the statistics out of the way. My sobriety date is March 23, 1999. My home group is the Bellflower Big Book Group, and I have a sponsor named Larry T. For those three things, I'm

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grateful. Without any of them, I wouldn't be standing here before you. I want to thank Angie and Eric for the 10 minutes. If you're new in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, they basically said everything you need to hear. Get a sponsor, work the steps, and find a higher power. Those three things are essential for recovery. Both of them did an excellent job. I don't know, about six months, I'd have the nerve to come up and speak in front of a group like this. Angie, I give you a lot to do.

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That's impressive. I'm going to tell you a little bit about what I was like, what happened, and what I'm trying to be like today. I grew up in a loving home. My father was one of us. I have two older brothers. My mom was a hardworking woman. My dad, from a very early age, my dad died when I was seven or eight years old.

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I remember my dad's job was, he was a bookie. When my mom was out working, he was out doing numbers. He used to take me to bars with him in East LA. When I was four or five, he would take me to bars, and I loved the smell of a bar. The sound of the glasses clinking. Everyone seemed to me, when they were in the bar, they were happy.

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That's how I looked at alcoholics. That's how I looked at people who were drinking. Like I said, my dad died when I was seven or eight years old. My mom was a single mom. She never remarried. She took care of us three boys. Like I said, my mom was a hardworking woman.

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With three boys, my oldest brother was eight years older than me. Then I had my middle brother, who's six, and then there was me. We were a handful.

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Luckily, we had a big family. Whenever we had family parties, I had a lot of cousins, uncles, aunts. Everyone would come over to the house. We'd have like 30, 40 people at the house, and everyone drank. Everyone looked like they were having a great time.

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When I started my drinking, that's what attracted me to alcohol. Everyone that drank seemed to me that they were having a good time.

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I don't know what happened.

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They went home, or when they were driving away from the house, or when I was asleep. I don't know what happened to them, but it seemed to me they were always happy when they drank. I always equated when you were drinking, life was good.

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I was just talking to my friend recently that I didn't realize I started drinking at a very young age. I think I was in fifth or sixth grade. I started drinking a couple of beers because that's what everyone in my neighborhood did. Like I said, I had two older brothers. By that time, they were doing it.

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They were smoking pot. They were drinking all the time. They were in gangs. All the guys that I hung out with from five to the fifth grade on up, they drank, they smoked, and they just did things that kids do in my neighborhood.

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It was a normal thing for us to ditch school, drink, smoke pot. I didn't do it every day, but it was fun.

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I remember my first time we drank, like I said, it was in fifth grade. I had one of my friends who lived three or four houses down from me. He had an older brother. He was in his 20s. He used to leave beer around all the time. On the way to school, he got a couple of beers. We drank them on the way to school, and I felt great. That's how I wanted to feel all the time.

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Like I said, I didn't drink every time after that.

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But it showed me where I wanted to hit the mark. Like I said, drinking was fun for me, even towards the end. It might not have had the consequences I wanted, but it always did the job for me.

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Whenever I drank, it did what it was supposed to do. I never thought I had an alcohol problem. I thought I had a people problem because people are always telling me what to do. People are always telling me, you shouldn't be doing that. You shouldn't be doing this. You should be doing this.

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And it didn't dawn on me that alcohol was my solution. I just felt that whenever I drank, I felt better. And I didn't realize until I come into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous and get a sponsor and work the steps that I found out what my problem was, and that was me.

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The problem is always me. Even today, the problem is always me because of my head. I always have great ideas, and when I don't run them by my sponsor, those great ideas always get me to do a jackpot.

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It's just Wednesday. I'm at work. My boss calls me up. We call our one-on-ones at work, and I'm not having a very good year at work right now. Things are tough.

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After I get off the phone with my boss, he's basically telling me, just do my job. Do what you're supposed to be doing. Go to work. Basic things that everyone does who doesn't expect to have a standing ovation when they do them.

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You're doing your job. Right away, I get off the phone, and I was pissed because he was basically telling me that, in my mind, that I'm not doing my job correctly.

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So every Wednesday, I meet my sponsor at the Pacific Group, and I sat down and talked to him and told him what was going on.

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And he's all like, so they told you to do your job, and you're upset about that?

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But he's all, they told you to do your job, and you're upset about that. I go, but you don't understand.

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And at 19 years of sobriety, that's where my head takes me.

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Because I want to think that.

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I'm doing this great, awesome job where people do great, awesome jobs every day.

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And I expect, like I said, a standing ovation for it.

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So that's where my head takes me all the time.

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Like I said, I started drinking fifth, sixth, seventh grade.

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Started doing other things, smoking pot.

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And by this time, my older brother goes off to the Army.

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So now it's just me and my middle brother.

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I said, my mom never remarried.

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She always took care of us.

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And.

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But we always had a large family.

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And I remember when, you know, I mean, my mom did an awesome job with us.

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And my family actually did an awesome job with us.

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We used to go on vacations all the time.

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And they did, you know, look at the time.

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I didn't think it was anything special.

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I thought, you know, we were poor.

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We know.

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But, you know, my mom took us on family vacations all the time.

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My uncles and aunts went with us.

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And I remember.

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We used to go to Vegas a lot.

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And my uncles and aunts used to used to have judge how, you know, they would they would buy like a 12 pack.

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And then and then they would every like we would stop in.

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We lived in Pico River, California.

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And then by the by the time we hit like Covina, we'd have to stop again.

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And then by the time we went like 30 miles down the road, we have to stop again because they always had to have alcoholic in the car.

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I'll call in the car and beer in the car.

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So that's how that's how I was raised.

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And I love.

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I love that.

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By the time I got into into high school, things started progressing for me, started doing a little bit more drugs, drinking a little bit more often.

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I always played sports, but when I started when I started drinking and using sports, this didn't seem that important to me anymore.

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The things I was doing seemed more important to me.

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And, you know, I was I was a big baseball fan.

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I played football.

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And I went to I went to Catholic school in Bellflower.

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And my sophomore year, I was put on varsity and I was I was I was playing with the guys who were like twice my size.

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I think I was this height when I was when I was in high school, but I only weighed like one hundred and fifty pounds.

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I couldn't tell my coach I was scared to get hit.

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I couldn't tell my coach that I was fearful because I couldn't I didn't think I could make the team.

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I don't know those things then, but I know I'm now looking back and going through.

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Going through an inventory process.

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And I don't know that I'm fearful and scared and and and all those things that I learn when I come to Alcoholics Anonymous and going through the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous.

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So right away, I decide, you know what, I'm not going to play anymore.

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I'm just I'm just go out and do what I want to do.

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And I did graduate from high school.

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I went to college.

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But again, I just didn't I didn't have really any ambition when I was out there using using drinking.

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I didn't care.

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I just wanted to do what I wanted to do.

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And that was my that was my mantra.

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Let me do what I wanted to do.

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My mom always my mom was always she was a big enabler for me.

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And I was able to get a job.

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I think it was like six months after I graduated from high school.

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I worked for an aerospace company.

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And man, once I once I got my first real job, man, it was on because I had the money to do whatever I wanted.

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I was living at home.

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I wasn't.

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I would pay my mom rent.

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But by Sunday afternoon, I'd ask her that rent back because I got paid every Friday.

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But Sunday I was broke.

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Every Sunday I was broke.

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So I always asked for that money back or I would steal it from her.

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And that's just the son.

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That's kind of son I was.

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I didn't care anything about her.

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I didn't care.

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She was a single mom.

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She had raised us basically by herself, you know, financially.

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And I didn't I don't look at those things that I'm looking about me.

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I'm selfish, self-centered.

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And I could care less about you.

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And.

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And.

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And.

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And.

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And.

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And.

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And.

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And.

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And.

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And.

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And.

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And.

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And.

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And.

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And.

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And.

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And.

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And.

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I started getting consequences for what I was doing out there when I was drinking and using.

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And I had that job at that aerospace company for a little over six years.

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And what happened was, like, when I was going there, I was having a good time.

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I started selling other things in that facility.

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And some of the people that I was selling to work for security.

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So they work for DoD.

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And they basically told me, hey, look at this.

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This is what's going on. You're being investigated by the Department of Defense. I had a top secret clearance at the time. And so what I did is I just quit. Instead of getting busted, I just quit. And that was in 1989. And from 1989 to 1999, I didn't have a steady job for more than six months.

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Because when I left that job, I had put into my 401k, I had a good significant amount of money. And that money was gone within six months. And I was basically just doing whatever I wanted to do for that six months with as much money as I wanted to do it with.

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And this whole time, my mom kept asking me, what's wrong with you? Why do you do these things? And I didn't tell her that, you know, it's because I'm fearful. I'm frightened. I don't know what I need to do.

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I don't know how to ask for help. I just because I want to, Mom, why don't you just leave me alone? You don't know what you don't know. You don't know what you're talking about. And by this time, my older brother, he's married. He has a couple of kids now. My middle my middle brother is married, too. They seem to be having a good life. They're married. They have kids. They're good providers, things like that. And then there's me. I'm still living at home. At that time, I was I would think I was when I left Northrop, I was like 20.

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He's 28, 29. And for 10 years, I went on a run and just did whatever I wanted to do. There would be times in between there. What I would I would say, you know, I'm not I'm not going to drink. I'm going to try to, you know, try to get in. I was always able to get a job, but I was never able to hold on to that job because either I got drug tested or I just wouldn't show up because of the weekend and I couldn't show up until Wednesday.

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So what started happened to is I started being I wasn't able to get jobs as frequent as I did before.

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And and then towards the end, I just it just wasn't I just didn't care about getting a job.

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I was I was getting money any any way I could. I'd rob, steal, do whatever I needed to do to get to get what I need to do to to party.

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And I was going in and out. I would I would periodically go back to my mom's house and she'd let me back in.

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And it was one time she's like, you know, she's old again.

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Why do you do the things you do? And you go, why can't you just be like your brothers?

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They both have families that, you know, one of my brothers had a house at that time.

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At that time, they were both employed at their job for like well over 10 years now.

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And I I could couldn't even get a job at that time.

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And she was just telling me that, you know, basically what I thought she was telling me is I'm a disappointment to her.

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I I'm the the one in the family, the black sheep in the family.

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I can't I can't do anything right.

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I just life was life was was closing in on me because all the friends that I have, they actually had partied like I did.

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But it seemed like they had jobs.

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It seemed like they were doing other things besides what I was doing, which is drinking and using all the time.

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And so I told my mom, you know, mom, I'll try.

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I'll try to do what you want me to do.

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And what happened was I had I had a cousin who owned a company in the Inland Empire.

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And and my mom, my mom talked to my aunt and talked to him and they said,

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hey, can you give Rudy a chance?

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I was my cousin.

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Like I said, when I was younger, me and my cousins were pretty close.

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And so what they did was he gave me a chance.

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He goes, hey, I'll hire you.

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You come out of here.

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What he did was he got me an apartment out in the Inland Empire.

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He got me a company car, company credit card, basically gave me everything.

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And when I went out there, I told myself, you know what?

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I'm just shoot straight.

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I'm not going to do nothing.

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I'm not going to drink.

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And I actually.

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I actually did that for six months.

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I was able to control the urges I had.

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And just because I wanted to please my mom so bad because so so bad because I didn't want to become that loser son that I saw a couple other people in my neighborhood become walking down the street homeless.

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And I didn't want to become that guy.

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I didn't want to become that guy to my mom because every time my mom looked at me, her face was just it was it would break my heart.

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But I just at that time, I just didn't care.

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So, like I said, I was doing good.

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He got me that that apartment.

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I go to work every day, come home, cook, watch TV and go to bed and just do it all over.

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Didn't really make any friends, probably for the first three or four months.

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And then I started meeting people within the complex just to say hi, you know, things like that.

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And then I think it was around the fifth month.

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One of my neighbors asked me that, hey, you want to go across the street?

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There's a bar across it.

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I'm like, no, I'm good.

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Thank you very much.

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But I got to work early.

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And I would pass that bar.

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For the first six months that I lived there, because there was a little small market there where I got my groceries and stuff like that.

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And every time I walked by that bar, you hear the laughter of that in the bar.

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You hear the clinking of the glasses.

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And I heard the I heard the attraction of alcohol for me, because, like I said, when I was young, I always heard that.

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And, you know, he'd ask me like the week later.

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No, I'm good.

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And then like the six it was six months.

189
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There was nothing really wrong going on.

190
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I didn't have a bad day.

191
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I didn't have it.

192
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It was just a normal day.

193
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And he can't.

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I was walking in into my apartment.

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He was coming out and said, hey, you want to go have a drink?

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I go, I could have one.

197
00:16:19,110 --> 00:16:20,570
You know, I've been good for six months.

198
00:16:20,830 --> 00:16:21,390
Things are good.

199
00:16:21,690 --> 00:16:22,370
I can have one.

200
00:16:22,930 --> 00:16:24,170
We walked across the street.

201
00:16:24,730 --> 00:16:26,070
I had two beers.

202
00:16:26,830 --> 00:16:27,410
Nothing happened.

203
00:16:27,930 --> 00:16:28,350
I didn't.

204
00:16:28,910 --> 00:16:30,170
You know, it was OK.

205
00:16:30,490 --> 00:16:31,050
I went back.

206
00:16:31,110 --> 00:16:32,970
I went back to work the next day.

207
00:16:33,270 --> 00:16:33,910
Things were good.

208
00:16:34,510 --> 00:16:35,750
This lasted for like a week.

209
00:16:35,750 --> 00:16:41,970
I'd go with him every day after that, have two beers and then go home and just just things were going good.

210
00:16:42,150 --> 00:16:43,330
I was like, man, this is great.

211
00:16:44,250 --> 00:16:45,570
I'm not getting in trouble.

212
00:16:45,750 --> 00:16:47,350
I'm not having any women problems.

213
00:16:47,350 --> 00:16:48,130
I'm doing what I'm supposed to.

214
00:16:48,130 --> 00:16:49,170
I'm paying my bills.

215
00:16:49,210 --> 00:16:50,070
Everything is great.

216
00:16:50,150 --> 00:16:53,310
And then that's that Saturday.

217
00:16:53,590 --> 00:16:55,170
He asked me, I'm OK, let's go.

218
00:16:55,770 --> 00:16:58,830
And that Saturday I never went back to work again.

219
00:16:59,690 --> 00:17:08,960
What happened for me was they had brought some some other things to the to that bar, started started doing some other things.

220
00:17:08,960 --> 00:17:10,480
And next thing I know, I'm gone.

221
00:17:10,880 --> 00:17:11,880
I'm off and running.

222
00:17:12,440 --> 00:17:14,540
I had like I said, I had that truck.

223
00:17:14,540 --> 00:17:16,460
I had a bunch of equipment in that truck.

224
00:17:16,520 --> 00:17:19,820
I had a company credit card and I was off and running, man.

225
00:17:20,000 --> 00:17:21,140
And it was fun.

226
00:17:21,500 --> 00:17:23,680
I had a great time when I did that.

227
00:17:23,680 --> 00:17:27,180
That was that was in nineteen ninety nine.

228
00:17:28,620 --> 00:17:34,040
I was off and running and I ended up meeting her, met her.

229
00:17:34,040 --> 00:17:35,840
She partied and drank just like I did.

230
00:17:36,180 --> 00:17:42,020
And like I said, I had a great time until he cut the credit card off.

231
00:17:42,440 --> 00:17:45,040
He cut the credit card off within like a week and a half.

232
00:17:45,140 --> 00:17:49,700
I'm surprised he left it on for a week and a half, but he left it on for a week and a half.

233
00:17:49,700 --> 00:17:51,660
And then after that, I started selling the equipment.

234
00:17:52,220 --> 00:17:59,420
And then after that, I sold the truck and I was off and running, was able to get another small car.

235
00:18:00,800 --> 00:18:03,680
We were I never went back to my apartment.

236
00:18:04,340 --> 00:18:08,960
I was living with her in motels, just moving from one motel motel.

237
00:18:09,500 --> 00:18:10,560
And then she was.

238
00:18:10,560 --> 00:18:11,120
She was.

239
00:18:11,120 --> 00:18:11,620
She was.

240
00:18:11,620 --> 00:18:12,260
She was.

241
00:18:12,260 --> 00:18:17,480
She was a heroin addict and she was on the methadone.

242
00:18:17,660 --> 00:18:20,220
She would get methadone treatments all the time.

243
00:18:20,220 --> 00:18:23,420
So I'd have to take her back, get the get the treatment and come back.

244
00:18:23,920 --> 00:18:29,360
And we at this time, she she we were living in Paris, California.

245
00:18:29,480 --> 00:18:32,340
I don't know if you know where Paris, California is, but man, that place is a pit.

246
00:18:32,880 --> 00:18:34,040
It's worse than Palmdale.

247
00:18:36,660 --> 00:18:42,850
And and man, she was she knew how to push my button.

248
00:18:42,850 --> 00:18:45,970
And she was the first woman that I ever wanted to hit, never hit her.

249
00:18:45,970 --> 00:18:49,610
But man, I came close to hitting her and she just she knew it, too.

250
00:18:49,610 --> 00:18:52,690
And she would do these things to me that just it just pissed me off.

251
00:18:52,690 --> 00:18:59,890
But what happened was, you know, we were going back and back and forth to the clinic and she found out she was pregnant.

252
00:19:00,490 --> 00:19:08,670
And that that when that when the doctor when she told me that she was pregnant, it hit my head.

253
00:19:08,670 --> 00:19:10,570
My mom said, Why can't you be like your brothers?

254
00:19:10,930 --> 00:19:12,550
Why can't why can't you be like your brothers?

255
00:19:12,850 --> 00:19:19,310
And right away, I was like, man, you know, so we kind of I think this happened on a Tuesday or Wednesday.

256
00:19:19,470 --> 00:19:27,730
I can't remember now, but we made a deal that, all right, this will be, you know, we're going to go into rehab and we're going to stop drinking, stop using all that.

257
00:19:28,110 --> 00:19:30,850
And so we made a plan that we'd go into rehab that following Monday.

258
00:19:31,130 --> 00:19:35,570
And so we'd have basically a week, four or five days to do whatever we wanted to do.

259
00:19:36,390 --> 00:19:39,610
And we did whatever we want to do for those days.

260
00:19:39,610 --> 00:19:42,670
And when when Sunday rolled around.

261
00:19:43,310 --> 00:19:46,410
I turned to her and said, Hey, you know, do you still want to do this?

262
00:19:46,430 --> 00:19:47,850
And she says, No.

263
00:19:47,850 --> 00:19:53,530
And for some reason, what I don't know what it was, a higher power, what it was.

264
00:19:53,590 --> 00:19:53,970
But you know what?

265
00:19:53,990 --> 00:19:55,210
I was tired of the way I was living.

266
00:19:55,370 --> 00:19:56,210
I was robbing people.

267
00:19:56,310 --> 00:19:56,730
I was stealing.

268
00:19:57,090 --> 00:19:59,510
I was doing all the things that I was not brought up to do.

269
00:19:59,890 --> 00:20:01,370
And I was just tired out there.

270
00:20:01,490 --> 00:20:03,050
I think I weighed 140 pounds.

271
00:20:03,370 --> 00:20:06,370
I was sucked up and I was basically just tired.

272
00:20:07,150 --> 00:20:10,970
And for the first time in my life, I called another human being and asked for help.

273
00:20:11,030 --> 00:20:12,230
I called my sister-in-law up.

274
00:20:12,270 --> 00:20:12,830
She lived in Timberland.

275
00:20:12,890 --> 00:20:18,910
I was in Marietta, California, which was only maybe like a half hour, 40 minutes away from where I was at and said, You know what?

276
00:20:18,930 --> 00:20:19,930
I can't stop what I'm doing.

277
00:20:20,030 --> 00:20:22,990
And that's the first time I said that out loud.

278
00:20:22,990 --> 00:20:26,090
I thought it a couple of times, but that was the first time I said that out loud.

279
00:20:26,610 --> 00:20:28,910
And what happened was she came and picked me up.

280
00:20:29,770 --> 00:20:31,370
She made a couple of calls.

281
00:20:31,690 --> 00:20:40,580
She came and picked me up on that Sunday, made a couple of calls and found a place, a treatment center for me to go in on that Wednesday.

282
00:20:41,100 --> 00:20:42,800
So for two days, I detoxed.

283
00:20:42,800 --> 00:20:43,280
I was in the Cedar House.

284
00:20:44,080 --> 00:20:46,500
The place was in Bloomington, California.

285
00:20:46,800 --> 00:20:47,760
It's called the Cedar House.

286
00:20:48,160 --> 00:20:55,120
And I remember going in there doing they do an intake for you and ask you when was the last time you used or drank and all that.

287
00:20:55,200 --> 00:20:56,260
And I told them it was Sunday.

288
00:20:56,520 --> 00:20:58,840
And they go, Well, we still have to put you in these docs room.

289
00:20:58,920 --> 00:21:00,500
Just part of our rules.

290
00:21:00,760 --> 00:21:05,700
So they put me in the detox little room and there were three other guys in there.

291
00:21:05,700 --> 00:21:08,400
There was six beds in there.

292
00:21:08,620 --> 00:21:12,100
There was four of us when there are three of those guys were detoxing from heroin.

293
00:21:12,800 --> 00:21:15,440
And I don't know if you've seen any detox from heroin, but it's not pretty.

294
00:21:15,620 --> 00:21:17,740
And right away in my head said, You know what?

295
00:21:17,780 --> 00:21:18,980
I made a big mistake.

296
00:21:19,120 --> 00:21:20,120
I'm not as bad as them.

297
00:21:21,000 --> 00:21:21,920
I shouldn't be in here.

298
00:21:22,100 --> 00:21:29,540
But what happened was the guy who gave me the intake gave me this book and said, Why don't you read the doctor's opinion and maybe that'll help you out through the night.

299
00:21:30,200 --> 00:21:31,160
And that's what I did.

300
00:21:31,580 --> 00:21:33,980
And I didn't become all spiritual.

301
00:21:33,980 --> 00:21:35,400
I didn't become Mr. AA.

302
00:21:35,720 --> 00:21:38,660
What I did was I just basically gave up.

303
00:21:39,140 --> 00:21:42,320
And for the first time in my life, I wasn't I wasn't living in a car.

304
00:21:42,320 --> 00:21:42,820
I wasn't living.

305
00:21:42,900 --> 00:21:44,480
I wasn't living in a motel anymore.

306
00:21:44,480 --> 00:21:47,300
I was getting I was getting meals on a regular basis.

307
00:21:47,300 --> 00:21:54,720
And I think I just I wanted to see if I could live, you know, the way that my mom wanted me to live.

308
00:21:54,720 --> 00:21:58,740
And they would bring in panels that would bring in other other meetings.

309
00:21:58,740 --> 00:21:59,640
There weren't all AA.

310
00:21:59,640 --> 00:22:07,400
There was other other things there and they suggested I get a sponsor, didn't know what a sponsor was.

311
00:22:08,360 --> 00:22:10,220
I ended up getting a sponsor there.

312
00:22:10,460 --> 00:22:13,210
And like I said, we were going to.

313
00:22:13,310 --> 00:22:15,710
I was going to other meetings besides Alcoholics Anonymous.

314
00:22:16,190 --> 00:22:18,870
I was in that treatment center for 72 days.

315
00:22:19,130 --> 00:22:24,690
I got kicked out of that treatment center for having a cell phone in there because I still had my old thinking.

316
00:22:25,270 --> 00:22:31,550
I was I was I was selling calls to the other guys in the place because I needed to make money.

317
00:22:31,550 --> 00:22:35,690
You know, what I would do is because they wouldn't let you have any soda in there.

318
00:22:35,810 --> 00:22:36,430
No sweets.

319
00:22:36,550 --> 00:22:38,230
It was all just like healthy stuff.

320
00:22:38,350 --> 00:22:39,710
And I was sneaking sodas.

321
00:22:39,790 --> 00:22:40,770
I was selling sodas.

322
00:22:40,850 --> 00:22:42,050
I was selling the phone calls.

323
00:22:42,210 --> 00:22:43,010
So I was still.

324
00:22:43,010 --> 00:22:46,830
I was still trying to come up on people still had that same same thinking.

325
00:22:47,710 --> 00:22:53,950
And unbeknownst to me, at the same time, my middle brother was was also in the treatment center in Orange County, California.

326
00:22:54,690 --> 00:22:56,130
I called my wife.

327
00:22:56,390 --> 00:22:59,030
I was back in touch with my family, like I said.

328
00:22:59,730 --> 00:23:04,070
And my brother had I think I had at that time.

329
00:23:04,090 --> 00:23:05,530
I think I had like six months.

330
00:23:06,070 --> 00:23:07,710
I was living in a sober living house.

331
00:23:07,790 --> 00:23:08,890
I was able to get a job.

332
00:23:08,970 --> 00:23:12,950
I was working every day, going to different meetings, different fellowships.

333
00:23:13,010 --> 00:23:16,850
And just didn't seem to be clicking on anything.

334
00:23:16,850 --> 00:23:19,050
I was just doing it because everyone else was doing it.

335
00:23:19,170 --> 00:23:24,850
And my brother, my mom called me up and said, hey, why don't you come down for the weekend that Monday?

336
00:23:24,850 --> 00:23:25,550
I didn't have to work.

337
00:23:25,550 --> 00:23:26,250
So I came out.

338
00:23:26,350 --> 00:23:31,590
I came out on Saturday, hung out with my family when I was supposed to go back on Tuesday.

339
00:23:31,590 --> 00:23:32,990
My brother asked me if he wanted to go.

340
00:23:32,990 --> 00:23:34,190
I wanted to go to a meeting.

341
00:23:35,050 --> 00:23:39,690
And he my my sobriety is March 23rd.

342
00:23:39,690 --> 00:23:40,690
His is March 27.

343
00:23:40,690 --> 00:23:41,790
So I have four more days now.

344
00:23:42,050 --> 00:23:42,990
He took me to the Belfer.

345
00:23:43,010 --> 00:23:47,090
We're a big group and we have a beginner's meeting that starts at 630.

346
00:23:47,390 --> 00:23:50,510
And for the first time in my life, I felt welcome there.

347
00:23:50,870 --> 00:23:54,410
When I walked up there, people reached their hand out like you guys did here.

348
00:23:54,470 --> 00:23:55,490
Welcome me to alcoholics.

349
00:23:55,730 --> 00:23:58,130
The means I was going to Albany Lampire weren't doing that.

350
00:23:58,490 --> 00:24:01,550
There was people, you know, talking, smoking.

351
00:24:01,550 --> 00:24:06,250
They were, you know, they really weren't welcoming you into into the rooms.

352
00:24:06,290 --> 00:24:10,630
And that's why it's it's so impressive when there's meetings that do that, because that's how I felt.

353
00:24:10,630 --> 00:24:11,810
I felt like I was welcome.

354
00:24:11,990 --> 00:24:12,950
And when I was going to means that.

355
00:24:13,010 --> 00:24:13,510
I didn't do that.

356
00:24:13,510 --> 00:24:19,230
I just felt like I wasn't a part of and my brother had told me to that day.

357
00:24:19,230 --> 00:24:20,870
He goes, why do you need to get a sponsor?

358
00:24:21,290 --> 00:24:23,150
And he pointed two guys out.

359
00:24:23,150 --> 00:24:25,390
There was one Larry T and Johnny H.

360
00:24:25,970 --> 00:24:28,790
And I thought he was poking this, you know, pointed to Johnny.

361
00:24:28,790 --> 00:24:29,510
So I got John.

362
00:24:29,510 --> 00:24:32,290
I had Johnny in my first my first 11 years of sobriety.

363
00:24:32,730 --> 00:24:34,790
And man, that was a mistake.

364
00:24:37,250 --> 00:24:40,750
Johnny, you know, I went up to Johnny and said, hey, Johnny, I need a sponsor.

365
00:24:40,750 --> 00:24:42,610
He goes and he goes, are you willing to do anything?

366
00:24:42,610 --> 00:24:45,490
Did I tell you anything to stay sober?

367
00:24:45,490 --> 00:24:46,510
I'm like, yeah, he goes there.

368
00:24:46,510 --> 00:24:47,350
Here's what I want you to do.

369
00:24:47,350 --> 00:24:48,610
I want to go to all the means that I go to.

370
00:24:48,610 --> 00:24:53,350
I want you to call me every day because I want you and then we'll talk about getting into the book.

371
00:24:53,650 --> 00:24:54,850
So I did those things.

372
00:24:55,030 --> 00:25:00,430
I followed that man around for 11 years and he got me into working the steps.

373
00:25:00,910 --> 00:25:09,760
Like I said, I was going to a bunch of meetings, you know, started getting better jobs and in my in my in my life.

374
00:25:09,760 --> 00:25:10,180
And.

375
00:25:11,260 --> 00:25:11,760
Oh.

376
00:25:12,800 --> 00:25:19,410
That girl, I told you that I met that, you know, she was going to she was going to have have the baby.

377
00:25:19,410 --> 00:25:20,430
She was pregnant.

378
00:25:20,430 --> 00:25:32,670
I found out when I got out of that treatment center that she OD'd so she she had she was got back on, you know, she was still partying the whole time, didn't stop and she died.

379
00:25:32,670 --> 00:25:38,070
And there wasn't a day that I knew there wasn't a day that I was in that place that I didn't want to go out and get her.

380
00:25:38,070 --> 00:25:40,350
But I knew if I did go out, I wouldn't be back.

381
00:25:40,650 --> 00:25:42,810
And so for some reason, I just didn't do it.

382
00:25:42,810 --> 00:25:45,690
I just did what they told me to do in that recovery center.

383
00:25:45,690 --> 00:25:48,210
I did woke up early, did my chores and all that.

384
00:25:48,810 --> 00:25:52,890
And like I said, I was with Johnny for a little over 11 years.

385
00:25:53,210 --> 00:25:55,110
Life got good in Alcoholics Anonymous.

386
00:25:57,390 --> 00:26:00,870
I was able to get married in Alcoholics Anonymous.

387
00:26:01,710 --> 00:26:03,390
I met the love of my life.

388
00:26:03,790 --> 00:26:05,010
Things were going good.

389
00:26:05,190 --> 00:26:11,970
We were able to buy a house out in Santa Clarita and I was still going to meetings in Belfast.

390
00:26:11,970 --> 00:26:12,630
So when the PG.

391
00:26:12,810 --> 00:26:24,490
I was still doing all the things that I was doing and then I lost my job and I was like, ah, so I started cutting back a little bit on my meetings because I figured I didn't have enough money for gas and blah, blah, blah.

392
00:26:24,730 --> 00:26:28,130
And what happened for me is I started backpedaling away from Alcoholics Anonymous.

393
00:26:28,390 --> 00:26:33,010
Then my wife lost her job and we ended up losing the house in Santa Clarita.

394
00:26:33,670 --> 00:26:37,630
But we both got jobs back, moved, removed to Palmdale, California.

395
00:26:38,050 --> 00:26:40,810
And yes, I know.

396
00:26:41,110 --> 00:26:42,910
I moved to Palmdale.

397
00:26:43,110 --> 00:26:52,110
Like I said, I slowly started backing away from Alcoholics Anonymous and I was going to maybe one meeting a week and then I was going to one meeting a month and then I didn't have a spot.

398
00:26:52,110 --> 00:26:53,350
I wasn't calling Johnny no more.

399
00:26:53,810 --> 00:26:55,390
So basically it was sponsorless.

400
00:26:56,090 --> 00:26:58,590
And what happened was I started taking shortcuts.

401
00:26:59,030 --> 00:27:06,090
You know, that new job again, I started taking shortcuts, started lying to my wife, just started reverting back to my old ideas.

402
00:27:06,570 --> 00:27:10,070
And I knew a guy out there, Mark.

403
00:27:10,350 --> 00:27:12,710
I had known him for a good majority of my life.

404
00:27:12,710 --> 00:27:17,370
I had known him for my sobriety already, so I reached out to him and said, Hey, I need help, I need to get plugged back in.

405
00:27:17,370 --> 00:27:28,130
And what he did is he he introduced me to meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous in Palmdale and around a couple of weeks after I started going to meetings out there, I called Larry up and said, Hey, I'm in trouble.

406
00:27:28,470 --> 00:27:29,250
I need help.

407
00:27:29,570 --> 00:27:31,490
I didn't feel like I didn't feel like drinking.

408
00:27:31,790 --> 00:27:34,270
I felt like killing someone or maybe killing myself.

409
00:27:35,090 --> 00:27:38,530
And that's just from being a dry drunk.

410
00:27:39,490 --> 00:27:41,370
And so I know I know I know how it is.

411
00:27:41,370 --> 00:27:42,370
I think it was almost seven.

412
00:27:43,290 --> 00:27:53,280
Seven, eight months sponsorless, you know, going to very little meetings and just not being honest, had lost my spiritual contact with my higher power.

413
00:27:54,840 --> 00:27:58,300
And it was just it wasn't a good it was a good deal for me.

414
00:27:58,620 --> 00:28:03,020
So I got back into going meetings, started going back to Bellflower, started going back to the Pacific group.

415
00:28:03,080 --> 00:28:04,940
I go to a Friday night meeting up where we're at.

416
00:28:05,440 --> 00:28:06,700
I have a couple of sponsors.

417
00:28:07,000 --> 00:28:08,280
Well, I have one now.

418
00:28:08,280 --> 00:28:12,420
The other one reached out to me on Friday or didn't even reach out to me.

419
00:28:12,480 --> 00:28:13,040
His wife reached out.

420
00:28:13,060 --> 00:28:19,140
And so I kind of I know I know I know where that's going to lead.

421
00:28:19,220 --> 00:28:19,760
But you know what?

422
00:28:20,180 --> 00:28:21,020
That's his decision.

423
00:28:21,160 --> 00:28:22,140
I'm not going to go chase him.

424
00:28:22,360 --> 00:28:24,080
If he doesn't want it, he doesn't want it.

425
00:28:24,440 --> 00:28:26,480
It's not me to push him back into Alcoholics Anonymous.

426
00:28:27,560 --> 00:28:29,980
So like I said, I started I started working with Larry again.

427
00:28:30,100 --> 00:28:32,920
I'm following Larry's direction, doing things like that.

428
00:28:32,960 --> 00:28:35,720
And, you know, life's good right now for me.

429
00:28:35,900 --> 00:28:38,200
You know, I got a job.

430
00:28:38,280 --> 00:28:39,140
I pay my bills.

431
00:28:39,580 --> 00:28:42,620
You know, I, you know, I like to think that I'm going to be a part of it.

432
00:28:42,620 --> 00:28:42,640
I like to think that I'm going to be a part of it.

433
00:28:42,640 --> 00:28:42,760
I like to think that I'm going to be a part of it.

434
00:28:42,760 --> 00:28:44,700
I like to think that life's tough for me.

435
00:28:44,840 --> 00:28:46,540
And, you know, I'm having a bad time at work.

436
00:28:46,660 --> 00:28:52,100
To be honest with you, man, I could be out there under a bridge sucking on a bottle, just not caring.

437
00:28:52,700 --> 00:28:54,620
And the life I have today is just amazing.

438
00:28:55,460 --> 00:28:59,860
You know, it's because I follow this now.

439
00:28:59,940 --> 00:29:02,100
I mean, I'm totally immersed in Alcoholics Anonymous.

440
00:29:03,520 --> 00:29:09,760
Like I said, that last week when my head started thinking, my first thought wasn't I'm going to go drink.

441
00:29:09,920 --> 00:29:12,360
My first thought was I need to talk to my sponsor.

442
00:29:12,360 --> 00:29:15,380
Because when I talk to my sponsor, I'm grounded now.

443
00:29:16,020 --> 00:29:20,540
I have to get, make sure that I am, I am right size with God.

444
00:29:20,540 --> 00:29:24,240
Because there's a lot of times that I think I'm doing great.

445
00:29:24,440 --> 00:29:26,540
And I think I take credit for that.

446
00:29:26,860 --> 00:29:28,300
And I got to remember, it's not me.

447
00:29:28,780 --> 00:29:33,960
It's because of the, the rooms of alcoholics, my sponsor, getting a conscious content with a higher power.

448
00:29:34,160 --> 00:29:35,940
And that's all it is, basically.

449
00:29:36,540 --> 00:29:40,120
The only thing that we promise here in Alcoholics Anonymous is that you get sober.

450
00:29:40,120 --> 00:29:42,300
It doesn't mean you're going to get, you know, a husband.

451
00:29:42,420 --> 00:29:46,420
A wife, a great job, all these things.

452
00:29:46,840 --> 00:29:50,160
What happens is you basically come up to a basic human being.

453
00:29:50,780 --> 00:29:52,520
That's what you do here in Alcoholics Anonymous.

454
00:29:53,200 --> 00:29:54,980
No one promises you that you're going to be rich.

455
00:29:55,320 --> 00:29:58,080
No one promises that you're going to have hair, be skinny.

456
00:29:58,400 --> 00:29:59,060
You're sober.

457
00:29:59,280 --> 00:29:59,920
That's all there is.

458
00:29:59,960 --> 00:30:02,020
And it's up to you to expand on that.

459
00:30:02,140 --> 00:30:05,300
You have to do the footwork in order to, to get things that you want.

460
00:30:05,360 --> 00:30:08,020
You can't just sit back and say, hey, you know, I want a great job.

461
00:30:08,020 --> 00:30:10,040
But you're going to sit back and wait for someone to give it to you.

462
00:30:10,460 --> 00:30:11,400
That's not how life works.

463
00:30:11,400 --> 00:30:12,120
That's not normal.

464
00:30:12,120 --> 00:30:12,920
People don't do that.

465
00:30:13,020 --> 00:30:14,000
They go out and work for it.

466
00:30:14,160 --> 00:30:14,880
That's what they do.

467
00:30:15,520 --> 00:30:18,620
And we think we're special because we're in Alcoholics Anonymous.

468
00:30:18,840 --> 00:30:23,080
At least that's what I think sometimes, that I deserve this because I'm sober now.

469
00:30:23,640 --> 00:30:27,700
Hell, I have to work twice as hard as a normal person because I know, I know where I came

470
00:30:27,700 --> 00:30:28,700
from and I know where I could go.

471
00:30:28,980 --> 00:30:32,940
And it's just, you know, I'm grateful that I know today what my problem is.

472
00:30:32,980 --> 00:30:37,700
Like I said, for the newcomers, man, Angie and Eric said it all, man, get a sponsor.

473
00:30:38,060 --> 00:30:38,920
Work the steps with you.

474
00:30:38,920 --> 00:30:42,060
Make sure your sponsors work the steps because that's important, you know.

475
00:30:42,520 --> 00:30:45,940
If you have someone who really hasn't worked the steps, then they're basically useless to you.

476
00:30:46,100 --> 00:30:50,820
Find someone who is doing more than you in Alcoholics Anonymous because that's what I do.

477
00:30:51,280 --> 00:30:54,380
My sponsor does, he's in Oklahoma right now, you know.

478
00:30:55,020 --> 00:30:59,120
And, you know, he has commitments in all his meetings.

479
00:30:59,760 --> 00:31:01,540
And so I have commitments in all my meetings.

480
00:31:01,780 --> 00:31:03,380
It's pretty simple, you know.

481
00:31:03,980 --> 00:31:07,640
Follow someone who's come before you, who's done this deal before you.

482
00:31:07,640 --> 00:31:11,560
Because, you know, for me, when I was out there drinking and using,

483
00:31:12,120 --> 00:31:15,600
I didn't want to hear what you had to say because you're always telling me I'm doing it wrong.

484
00:31:15,600 --> 00:31:18,840
At least that was my perception was I'm doing, I'm doing life wrong.

485
00:31:19,020 --> 00:31:23,600
And now, you know, if I do what's laid out in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous,

486
00:31:23,860 --> 00:31:26,200
I might have some tough days, you know.

487
00:31:26,780 --> 00:31:31,180
I might think that my boss is telling me something that I don't want to hear or someone

488
00:31:31,180 --> 00:31:33,320
in a meeting is doing something that I don't think is right.

489
00:31:33,440 --> 00:31:35,760
But the bottom line is I'm sober, you know.

490
00:31:36,200 --> 00:31:39,100
I try to, I try to act better than I feel.

491
00:31:39,100 --> 00:31:40,320
It doesn't work all the time.

492
00:31:40,520 --> 00:31:41,360
I'm not perfect.

493
00:31:41,360 --> 00:31:42,360
I make mistakes.

494
00:31:42,360 --> 00:31:45,360
I yell at my wife sometimes and that's a big problem.

495
00:31:46,540 --> 00:31:48,920
But I always go back and apologize.

496
00:31:49,360 --> 00:31:49,720
You know what?

497
00:31:49,860 --> 00:31:52,240
At the end of the day, you know, the 10 step.

498
00:31:52,440 --> 00:31:56,360
I don't want to wait to the end of the day to do my 10 step because I know when I'm wrong.

499
00:31:56,600 --> 00:31:59,420
I don't have to wait until reflect back on my day.

500
00:31:59,700 --> 00:32:03,000
I don't flip people off on their freeway anymore because I don't want to have to,

501
00:32:03,100 --> 00:32:04,440
I don't want to have to act that way anymore.

502
00:32:04,780 --> 00:32:06,980
You know, it's, but it took me a while to get there.

503
00:32:07,520 --> 00:32:09,260
I did that all the time when I was new.

504
00:32:09,260 --> 00:32:11,320
But now it's like, if you want to come in front of me, go ahead.

505
00:32:11,560 --> 00:32:16,860
I don't want to, I don't want to have, I don't want to have to hang that, that resentment in me anymore.

506
00:32:17,280 --> 00:32:23,820
Because I know that when I was new, I hung on to things and I hung on to them to the point where it made me miserable.

507
00:32:23,920 --> 00:32:25,480
And I don't want to feel like that anymore.

508
00:32:25,860 --> 00:32:32,420
I was like, so my, my mom, my mom passed away around three years ago and I was lucky enough to make amends to my mom.

509
00:32:33,360 --> 00:32:40,840
And I was able to, my mom had cervical cancer and breast cancer and she passed away three years ago.

510
00:32:40,840 --> 00:32:46,280
And I was able to go over there every weekend and hang out with her and show her the son that she wanted.

511
00:32:46,380 --> 00:32:47,440
And that meant a lot to me.

512
00:32:47,500 --> 00:32:52,320
I mean, like I said, she, she just wanted me to be happy and I was able to give that to her at the end.

513
00:32:53,200 --> 00:32:55,980
And, uh, I was there when she passed away.

514
00:32:56,140 --> 00:33:00,200
And then, uh, just this year, my brother, my older brother passed away from cancer too.

515
00:33:00,580 --> 00:33:01,760
And I was there for him.

516
00:33:02,360 --> 00:33:04,000
I went to go see him every weekend.

517
00:33:04,620 --> 00:33:06,920
Uh, and, uh, I was there for my family.

518
00:33:06,960 --> 00:33:09,740
If I was out there drinking, using, I wouldn't be around.

519
00:33:10,160 --> 00:33:10,760
Alcoholics Anonymous.

520
00:33:10,840 --> 00:33:14,380
They just gave me that, gave me the respect back of my family.

521
00:33:14,500 --> 00:33:24,940
They gave me the, uh, the ability to show up for people, to be an, uh, an employee, to be a good friend, to be a good husband, to be a good brother, to be a good son.

522
00:33:25,600 --> 00:33:33,220
There's, there's nothing better than walking into a family party and people greeting you just like in Alcoholics Anonymous.

523
00:33:33,820 --> 00:33:40,180
And, uh, you know what, if it wasn't for rooms like this and people like you, I could have missed it all.

524
00:33:40,180 --> 00:33:40,600
Thank you.

525
00:33:40,840 --> 00:33:41,080
Thank you.