1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,240 Well, I don't like it. 2 00:00:28,560 --> 00:00:30,560 I don't like the room. 3 00:00:30,560 --> 00:00:32,560 I just don't like it. 4 00:00:32,560 --> 00:00:34,560 You know what? We like a lot of people. 5 00:00:34,560 --> 00:00:36,560 We like the people. 6 00:00:36,560 --> 00:00:38,560 People I've met in Alcoholics Anonymous, not with me, 7 00:00:38,560 --> 00:00:40,560 and not all like me, 8 00:00:40,560 --> 00:00:42,560 but I've met people who 9 00:00:42,560 --> 00:00:44,560 like, who I truly 10 00:00:44,560 --> 00:00:46,560 love because they've been there 11 00:00:46,560 --> 00:00:48,560 for me, and without that connection 12 00:00:48,560 --> 00:00:50,560 with people, I would not 13 00:00:50,560 --> 00:00:52,560 know what I know about myself, and I would not 14 00:00:52,560 --> 00:00:54,560 feel sober and clean today. 15 00:00:54,560 --> 00:00:56,560 I'd be probably dead. 16 00:00:56,560 --> 00:00:58,560 Or very miserable. 17 00:00:58,560 --> 00:01:00,560 I'd be sniveling. 18 00:01:00,560 --> 00:01:02,560 Sniveling. 19 00:01:02,560 --> 00:01:04,560 I saw that. It was like so many voices in my head. 20 00:01:04,560 --> 00:01:06,560 I was like, I'm serious. 21 00:01:12,560 --> 00:01:14,560 Please teach me how to do that. 22 00:01:20,830 --> 00:01:22,830 It is miraculous. 23 00:01:22,830 --> 00:01:24,830 I met a public speaker. 24 00:01:24,830 --> 00:01:26,830 I was really nervous coming here. 25 00:01:26,830 --> 00:01:28,830 I never left. 26 00:01:30,830 --> 00:01:33,920 I'm sure it's like 27 00:01:33,920 --> 00:01:36,080 very professional. 28 00:01:38,340 --> 00:01:40,340 Thanks a lot. 29 00:01:42,340 --> 00:01:44,340 My life, prior to coming to 30 00:01:44,340 --> 00:01:46,340 Alcoholics Anonymous, my life was 31 00:01:46,340 --> 00:01:48,340 very unmanageable, and 32 00:01:48,340 --> 00:01:50,340 until it became unbearable, 33 00:01:50,340 --> 00:01:52,340 it wasn't going to stop. 34 00:01:52,340 --> 00:01:54,340 The unmanageability, like, the unmanageability 35 00:01:54,340 --> 00:01:56,340 for me was something that I felt 36 00:01:56,340 --> 00:01:58,340 throughout my life as a kid. 37 00:01:58,340 --> 00:02:00,340 You know, very 38 00:02:00,340 --> 00:02:02,340 hypersensitive, very sensitive. 39 00:02:02,340 --> 00:02:04,340 I was, I was, I was promoted. 40 00:02:04,340 --> 00:02:06,340 My mother would say, you're very sensitive. 41 00:02:06,340 --> 00:02:08,340 But when I came to AA, they promoted 42 00:02:08,340 --> 00:02:10,340 me to hypersensitive. 43 00:02:10,340 --> 00:02:12,340 But you do get promoted in there. 44 00:02:12,340 --> 00:02:14,340 You're a drunk asshole and you become a sober ass. 45 00:02:14,340 --> 00:02:16,340 But she would say to me, you know, people would say to me, you're very sensitive. 46 00:02:16,340 --> 00:02:18,340 My mother was very sensitive. Everything kind of 47 00:02:18,340 --> 00:02:20,340 stopped. Everything kind of broke. I don't know why. 48 00:02:20,340 --> 00:02:22,340 It's just the way I was. I think it's just the way I was born. 49 00:02:22,340 --> 00:02:24,340 I think it's probably, you know, 50 00:02:24,340 --> 00:02:26,340 really, you know, being 51 00:02:26,340 --> 00:02:28,340 being sober for 27 52 00:02:28,340 --> 00:02:30,340 years and coming up in 28 years 53 00:02:30,340 --> 00:02:32,340 and I've learned a few things about myself. 54 00:02:32,340 --> 00:02:34,340 And I feel like 55 00:02:34,340 --> 00:02:36,340 I can just start to learn. 56 00:02:36,340 --> 00:02:38,340 I'm still learning. It'll still be, 57 00:02:38,340 --> 00:02:40,340 there's no graduation. 58 00:02:40,340 --> 00:02:42,340 But what I do know is, you know, that 59 00:02:42,340 --> 00:02:44,340 that sensitivity was there from the very beginning. 60 00:02:44,340 --> 00:02:46,340 That there was something, I felt 61 00:02:46,340 --> 00:02:48,340 like there was something not right with me 62 00:02:48,340 --> 00:02:50,340 before I ever drank. I can't blame it on 63 00:02:50,340 --> 00:02:52,340 alcohol. But I can tell you that in the center 64 00:02:52,340 --> 00:02:54,340 of my brain, there was something in my thinking 65 00:02:54,340 --> 00:02:56,340 that was just a little bit 66 00:02:56,340 --> 00:02:58,340 different, I think, to normal 67 00:02:58,340 --> 00:03:00,340 people. And when I asked 68 00:03:00,340 --> 00:03:02,340 normal people, were you like that? They were like, 69 00:03:02,340 --> 00:03:04,340 no, you should see somebody. 70 00:03:04,340 --> 00:03:06,340 Did you lie in bed as a 71 00:03:06,340 --> 00:03:08,340 kid and think about, like, where do you go when you die? 72 00:03:08,340 --> 00:03:10,340 They were like, no, I'm thinking about school. 73 00:03:10,340 --> 00:03:12,340 I'm like, okay. 74 00:03:12,340 --> 00:03:14,340 Some things happened when I was 75 00:03:14,340 --> 00:03:16,340 a kid that shouldn't happen to 76 00:03:16,340 --> 00:03:18,340 kids. A lot of different abuses. 77 00:03:18,340 --> 00:03:20,340 And my reaction to all of 78 00:03:20,340 --> 00:03:22,340 that was probably far worse 79 00:03:22,340 --> 00:03:24,340 than the events themselves. I mean, they happened 80 00:03:24,340 --> 00:03:26,340 in minutes and hours and months. 81 00:03:26,340 --> 00:03:28,340 But the 82 00:03:28,340 --> 00:03:30,340 onslaught for me, the 83 00:03:30,340 --> 00:03:32,340 reaction for me went on for 84 00:03:32,340 --> 00:03:34,340 years. 85 00:03:34,340 --> 00:03:36,340 So my reaction to whatever 86 00:03:36,340 --> 00:03:38,340 happened is usually far 87 00:03:38,340 --> 00:03:40,340 greater than the actual event. 88 00:03:40,340 --> 00:03:42,340 And my sensitivity at the age 89 00:03:42,340 --> 00:03:44,340 of 10 was 90 00:03:44,340 --> 00:03:46,340 my perception was 91 00:03:46,340 --> 00:03:48,340 because of some of these events 92 00:03:48,340 --> 00:03:50,340 and my alcoholism, it just 93 00:03:50,340 --> 00:03:52,340 my perception was warped. 94 00:03:52,340 --> 00:03:54,340 People, places, things. 95 00:03:54,340 --> 00:03:56,340 And my reaction 96 00:03:56,340 --> 00:03:58,340 to that was to flight. Was to run. 97 00:03:58,340 --> 00:04:00,340 Was to get away from you. 98 00:04:00,340 --> 00:04:02,340 Was to blame you. 99 00:04:02,340 --> 00:04:04,340 And, you know, if I can get away from here. 100 00:04:04,340 --> 00:04:06,340 And just very, 101 00:04:06,340 --> 00:04:08,340 very miserable on the inside. 102 00:04:08,340 --> 00:04:10,340 I also knew as a young child that I was gay. 103 00:04:10,340 --> 00:04:12,340 I knew that because I was 104 00:04:12,340 --> 00:04:14,340 told that. Not in nice terms. 105 00:04:14,340 --> 00:04:16,340 It wasn't like, well, you're gay. Welcome. 106 00:04:18,340 --> 00:04:20,340 Like, why are you 107 00:04:20,340 --> 00:04:22,340 don't do that? 108 00:04:22,340 --> 00:04:24,340 I spent years, like as a kid, checking, 109 00:04:24,340 --> 00:04:26,340 checking, watching you and thinking for you. 110 00:04:26,340 --> 00:04:28,340 You know, I can annihilate you in a second. 111 00:04:28,340 --> 00:04:30,340 I will see your weakness in a second. 112 00:04:30,340 --> 00:04:32,340 I can take out the room in a second. 113 00:04:32,340 --> 00:04:34,340 I walk into a room. I look for the one who's not happy. 114 00:04:34,340 --> 00:04:36,340 I see that. I sense it. 115 00:04:36,340 --> 00:04:38,340 It's like a second sense. 116 00:04:38,340 --> 00:04:40,340 It doesn't serve me well, really. 117 00:04:40,340 --> 00:04:42,340 But it's been there from the very beginning. 118 00:04:42,340 --> 00:04:44,340 Got me into a lot of trouble. 119 00:04:44,340 --> 00:04:46,340 But it also protected me from you. 120 00:04:46,340 --> 00:04:48,340 And I was kind of wired like that. 121 00:04:48,340 --> 00:04:50,340 So that was my wiring as a kid. 122 00:04:50,340 --> 00:04:52,340 And that doesn't really set you up for a good career. 123 00:04:52,340 --> 00:04:54,340 Unless you want to go to jail. 124 00:04:54,340 --> 00:04:56,340 Or become an alcoholic. 125 00:04:56,340 --> 00:04:58,340 So my father died when I was 10. 126 00:04:58,340 --> 00:05:00,340 My reaction to that was 127 00:05:00,340 --> 00:05:02,340 I remember leaving the funeral 128 00:05:02,340 --> 00:05:04,340 and I said that 129 00:05:04,340 --> 00:05:06,340 I said to myself walking home 130 00:05:06,340 --> 00:05:08,340 that nobody will ever tell me what to do again. 131 00:05:08,340 --> 00:05:10,340 Nobody will ever replace him. 132 00:05:10,340 --> 00:05:12,340 And how humiliated 133 00:05:12,340 --> 00:05:14,340 that he would die. 134 00:05:14,340 --> 00:05:16,340 Because I knew that at the end of the summer 135 00:05:16,340 --> 00:05:18,340 I'd have to go back to school 136 00:05:18,340 --> 00:05:20,340 and stand up in front of the class 137 00:05:20,340 --> 00:05:22,340 and tell them what I did for the summer. 138 00:05:22,340 --> 00:05:24,340 And I was humiliated. 139 00:05:24,340 --> 00:05:26,340 Because this big guy who used to go away for six weeks 140 00:05:26,340 --> 00:05:28,340 and work at oil rigs 141 00:05:28,340 --> 00:05:30,340 and my dad worked 142 00:05:30,340 --> 00:05:32,340 and then he was gone. 143 00:05:32,340 --> 00:05:34,340 So I was humiliated. 144 00:05:34,340 --> 00:05:36,340 I took it very personally. 145 00:05:36,340 --> 00:05:38,340 And then after that it was off to the races. 146 00:05:38,340 --> 00:05:40,340 In the west of Ireland you start drinking when you can swallow. 147 00:05:40,340 --> 00:05:42,340 If you can swallow 148 00:05:42,340 --> 00:05:44,340 at least when I was growing up. 149 00:05:44,340 --> 00:05:46,340 And I drank because I was told not to. 150 00:05:46,340 --> 00:05:48,340 Everything I was told not to do 151 00:05:48,340 --> 00:05:50,340 you shouldn't do that 152 00:05:50,340 --> 00:05:52,340 you're not old enough 153 00:05:52,340 --> 00:05:54,340 I want to do it. 154 00:05:54,340 --> 00:05:56,340 I want to do it and I'm going to do it. 155 00:05:56,340 --> 00:05:58,340 There were people who would do it before me 156 00:05:58,340 --> 00:06:00,340 and I called everybody doing everything 157 00:06:00,340 --> 00:06:02,340 that they shouldn't be doing 158 00:06:02,340 --> 00:06:04,340 and then I would usually just join in and do it. 159 00:06:04,340 --> 00:06:06,340 But the difference between me and them was 160 00:06:06,340 --> 00:06:08,340 I would take it to the complete extreme 161 00:06:08,340 --> 00:06:10,340 and if I liked something 162 00:06:10,340 --> 00:06:12,340 I would keep doing it until I'd abuse it to death. 163 00:06:12,340 --> 00:06:14,340 People, places, things. 164 00:06:14,340 --> 00:06:16,340 I would just milk it for everything 165 00:06:16,340 --> 00:06:18,340 and become completely addicted to it. 166 00:06:18,340 --> 00:06:20,340 And it takes me away from reality 167 00:06:20,340 --> 00:06:22,340 so I can't, there's no calm down. 168 00:06:22,340 --> 00:06:24,340 Including coffee. 169 00:06:24,340 --> 00:06:26,340 So by the age of 11, 12 170 00:06:26,340 --> 00:06:28,340 we were drinking barrels of beer 171 00:06:28,340 --> 00:06:30,340 in the west of Ireland. 172 00:06:30,340 --> 00:06:32,340 We were just going to the back of the bars. 173 00:06:32,340 --> 00:06:34,340 I don't like to call for a pizza. 174 00:06:34,340 --> 00:06:36,340 We went to certain bars that are no longer there. 175 00:06:59,440 --> 00:07:05,490 We didn't even buy our own beer. 176 00:07:05,490 --> 00:07:07,490 We were like into one of the bars 177 00:07:07,490 --> 00:07:10,740 and took one of the beers 178 00:07:10,740 --> 00:07:13,180 and hit the spot of the drinks. 179 00:07:13,180 --> 00:07:16,460 And that was it. 180 00:07:16,460 --> 00:07:19,070 That was it. 181 00:07:19,070 --> 00:07:21,390 That's all there is to it. 182 00:07:21,390 --> 00:07:23,390 But again, 183 00:07:23,390 --> 00:07:25,390 I think it's all about 184 00:07:25,390 --> 00:07:27,390 having a big supply of glue. 185 00:07:29,390 --> 00:07:31,390 We lived in a grandmother's house 186 00:07:31,390 --> 00:07:33,390 and it was 22 minutes away from the house 187 00:07:33,390 --> 00:07:35,390 with a chicken. 188 00:07:35,390 --> 00:07:52,420 who needs to go down at eight o'clock in the morning because he sits at the end of the bed 189 00:07:52,420 --> 00:07:56,800 with an attitude like get up like my mother would be down there in the morning on a washing machine 190 00:07:56,800 --> 00:08:01,920 that didn't want water and five beds to be stripped and I would go down like why are you 191 00:08:01,920 --> 00:08:12,940 so happy? I'm just having a drink. That's the only thing I'm saying. But my first drink which was 192 00:08:12,940 --> 00:08:22,100 which is I was talking about my children. I went to two rooms and people asked me that again 193 00:08:22,100 --> 00:08:29,160 and I hated it. I had a panic attack. I didn't like it. I did not like the effect but you know 194 00:08:29,160 --> 00:08:31,280 there was something about the 195 00:08:31,280 --> 00:08:31,900 there was something about the 196 00:08:31,900 --> 00:08:31,920 there was something about the 197 00:08:31,920 --> 00:08:39,280 there was something about me that when I was you know I was such anxiety, stress, fear, 198 00:08:39,280 --> 00:08:46,240 internal fear about you know irrational fears about death, dying, just something terrible is 199 00:08:46,240 --> 00:08:49,600 going to happen. I'm going to get fucked out. You know they're going to find out what happened, 200 00:08:49,600 --> 00:08:53,680 what was done. A lot of a lot of secrets you know. I mean we talked about that says to me your 201 00:08:53,680 --> 00:08:57,760 secrets keep you sick. What are your secrets? I thought well if they're if they're if they're 202 00:08:57,760 --> 00:09:01,900 secrets why would I tell you they're not going to be secret. What kind of stupid questions? I'm not 203 00:09:01,900 --> 00:09:06,300 I'm not telling you my secrets because one I grew up with alcoholics in your you know your for your 204 00:09:06,300 --> 00:09:09,820 lives. I mean you're going to tell everybody because that's what you do and two they're my 205 00:09:09,820 --> 00:09:15,580 secrets and I've been sworn never to reveal and I swore and take these to the grave and and I you 206 00:09:15,580 --> 00:09:20,380 know I went around my head like that. I've had a head problem in Ireland in meetings they don't 207 00:09:20,380 --> 00:09:24,140 say how are you they say how's your head because you know they say maybe it's the head doctor. 208 00:09:26,140 --> 00:09:31,740 So I was I had a head problem and and when I started using when I started 209 00:09:31,740 --> 00:09:37,500 when I would drink uh it would it would like it would relax me and I needed to be relaxed. 210 00:09:37,500 --> 00:09:42,540 Probably needed horse drink for the rest of the day. Alcohol just kind of just relaxed me and 211 00:09:42,540 --> 00:09:49,500 made me feel alive. It made me feel normal and gave me strength and courage to do whatever I 212 00:09:49,500 --> 00:09:55,180 wanted to do and uh communicate with people, look them in the eye, tell them what I really thought 213 00:09:55,180 --> 00:10:01,260 of them and uh and put on a show. A lot wasn't on shows so I put on a little show uh and I would you 214 00:10:01,740 --> 00:10:06,300 just love I love being kind of in a blackout. I love being out of my head. I was told from the 215 00:10:06,300 --> 00:10:11,500 very first night of drinking uh at probably the ages 13, 14 you know you shouldn't drink. 216 00:10:11,500 --> 00:10:15,660 Did you see what you did last night? Did you like why did you say that? You shouldn't you 217 00:10:15,660 --> 00:10:20,060 better never go back there. I mean it was just trouble. It was like you know they talk about 218 00:10:20,060 --> 00:10:25,340 the allergy of the body. I'm allergic to alcohol. When I drink I break out in handcuffs. When I 219 00:10:25,340 --> 00:10:31,740 drink I get arrested. It is destructive drinking. It may not appear to be to you because publicly, 220 00:10:31,740 --> 00:10:37,500 I will go out with you. We'll have a couple of drinks uh in some speaky speakeasy. I like slimy, 221 00:10:37,500 --> 00:10:42,380 dirty bar rooms. I don't like I would not drink in Beverly Hills. I would go there when I'm drunk 222 00:10:43,100 --> 00:10:48,460 but I would start out with some speaky, some sneaky little bar room down by the docks where 223 00:10:48,460 --> 00:10:57,020 I grew up and and get drunk there and then head off and do kind of show. Um alcohol um I ran away 224 00:10:57,020 --> 00:11:01,420 because of my thinking. I ran away from them from Ireland. I went to London at the age of 15. 225 00:11:01,740 --> 00:11:06,060 I arrived there with no plan. I just knew that when I got there I wouldn't be there 226 00:11:06,060 --> 00:11:11,020 and that that seemed to me to be a better plan. Uh I truly believe that you find money on the 227 00:11:11,020 --> 00:11:15,740 streets of London. I truly believe that when I got there that that they were who they are but 228 00:11:15,740 --> 00:11:21,500 they're that they were going to say welcome and uh they didn't. I woke up in in uh in Victoria 229 00:11:21,500 --> 00:11:26,380 Station in London, 15 years old, no plan except I knew I wasn't going back and I'm going to show 230 00:11:26,380 --> 00:11:30,780 them. I did get on the boat in Ireland and I remember throwing a pint at the at the country. 231 00:11:31,740 --> 00:11:37,100 And uh with a lot of profanity and I said I will I will show you. I don't know who you are and I 232 00:11:37,100 --> 00:11:43,900 will show you. You will be sorry. I will be back. You will see. I will you will see. I and I think 233 00:11:43,900 --> 00:11:50,700 what I was saying was to myself was you know I will be happy. I will be I will be sober. I will 234 00:11:50,700 --> 00:11:56,620 I will overcome all of this fear and internal war that was going on in me because I had set 235 00:11:56,620 --> 00:12:01,740 up to war remember at the age of 10. I had decided that nobody was going to tell me what to do. You 236 00:12:01,740 --> 00:12:06,460 can try and live like that you know as far as I'm concerned. For me to live like that doing what I 237 00:12:06,460 --> 00:12:12,700 want to do is disaster. It's just like yes it's going to be a disaster. So uh so I had that recipe 238 00:12:12,700 --> 00:12:17,420 for disaster and all I needed to do was fuel that with alcohol. And it felt great for years because 239 00:12:17,420 --> 00:12:23,260 it allowed me to sleep out. I was homeless for a long time. I had no I no plan to get a room or get 240 00:12:23,260 --> 00:12:27,580 never even thought about it. I just knew that I could find somewhere to sleep and um and I had 241 00:12:27,580 --> 00:12:29,800 ways to get places to stay. Uh and I did that in London until I got back to London and I was like, 242 00:12:29,800 --> 00:12:29,900 I'm going to go back to London. I'm going to go back to London. I'm going to go back to London. I'm going 243 00:12:29,900 --> 00:12:33,200 to go back to London and I did that in London until I got picked up by the police and sent back 244 00:12:33,200 --> 00:12:36,920 to Ireland. Then I would go back to London and I'll go back to Ireland. At the age at the age of 245 00:12:36,920 --> 00:12:43,840 16 I went back to Ireland on a final trip and uh decided that I was going to admit drunken stupor 246 00:12:43,840 --> 00:12:48,760 that I was going to kill myself. So I went to the middle of the town and uh stood on the bridge 247 00:12:48,760 --> 00:12:52,480 because that's where everybody committed suicide to jump in and I got down there and had my like 248 00:12:52,480 --> 00:12:56,600 Duran Duran white clothes on that nobody in the town wore. I'm not sure how they knew I was gay, 249 00:12:56,600 --> 00:12:58,520 but anyway. I was standing there with my Duran Duran white clothes on. I was standing there with 250 00:12:58,520 --> 00:13:04,100 my Duran, my hijab on bridge I have with me. It's not water, and there's rocks and I'm like I'm 251 00:13:04,100 --> 00:13:10,730 not jumping on them. Getting this on video... 252 00:13:13,250 --> 00:13:19,390 Even the parking ishum will be... I jump in and don't drive.. 253 00:13:19,910 --> 00:13:27,930 I will lie there to the people over there, that's where they say, we love you. 254 00:13:28,810 --> 00:13:39,650 and what happens is the body bag, you know, you go to the morgue and there's a funeral. 255 00:13:39,890 --> 00:13:40,630 I mean, that's it. 256 00:13:40,950 --> 00:13:42,330 So, but that was my kind of video. 257 00:13:42,450 --> 00:13:44,910 My head was like, well, it's going to be a good ending no matter what. 258 00:13:45,130 --> 00:13:46,130 Anyway, thanks for all the time. 259 00:13:46,250 --> 00:13:46,530 It was out. 260 00:13:46,790 --> 00:13:47,570 The cops were there. 261 00:13:47,910 --> 00:13:51,130 They said, come down, come out the bridge, we'll help you. 262 00:13:51,130 --> 00:13:55,270 And they took me to the, to see the head doctors, to the mental institution. 263 00:13:55,650 --> 00:13:56,470 There was two in Ireland. 264 00:13:56,470 --> 00:13:59,570 One were in the city of Bruin, which had pool tables and table tennis. 265 00:13:59,930 --> 00:14:03,710 Because I'd been there many times to see my uncles who were rocking and rolling for alcohol, 266 00:14:03,910 --> 00:14:06,230 dementia or tremors and DTs. 267 00:14:06,750 --> 00:14:08,410 And we'd go there not to see them, to play pool. 268 00:14:08,910 --> 00:14:12,370 And everybody in Ireland stood at table tennis and pool. 269 00:14:13,890 --> 00:14:14,670 But they didn't. 270 00:14:14,790 --> 00:14:18,490 They sent me to the middle of the country, to a huge mental institution, which had an 271 00:14:18,490 --> 00:14:21,670 alcohol unit, 15 week unit. 272 00:14:21,990 --> 00:14:22,590 I was 16. 273 00:14:22,830 --> 00:14:25,690 And it was pretty brutal, but I kind of enjoyed it. 274 00:14:25,690 --> 00:14:26,450 I thought, you know, 275 00:14:26,470 --> 00:14:32,030 I woke up and there was like all these old people with dementia and depression. 276 00:14:32,030 --> 00:14:36,730 And I'd be like, after a couple of weeks, I would tell the psychiatrist, he was a complete pig. 277 00:14:36,730 --> 00:14:38,770 He was horrible, horrible human being. 278 00:14:39,110 --> 00:14:39,730 And I knew that too. 279 00:14:39,730 --> 00:14:41,590 I said, this is not the way to treat people. 280 00:14:41,950 --> 00:14:45,230 And, and I said to him, these people are screaming all night. 281 00:14:45,490 --> 00:14:46,390 Like I can't sleep. 282 00:14:46,570 --> 00:14:47,710 He said, they're screaming to go home. 283 00:14:47,710 --> 00:14:49,210 You haven't had to leave since you got here. 284 00:14:49,330 --> 00:14:50,850 What's like, what are you doing here? 285 00:14:50,890 --> 00:14:52,070 Like, what is wrong with you? 286 00:14:52,270 --> 00:14:53,210 I'm like, I'm an alcoholic. 287 00:14:53,350 --> 00:14:54,010 He's like, what? 288 00:14:54,010 --> 00:14:55,270 This is a mental hospital. 289 00:14:55,550 --> 00:14:56,110 You don't belong. 290 00:14:56,110 --> 00:14:56,410 You need to go home. 291 00:14:56,470 --> 00:14:57,430 You need to go to the alcohol unit. 292 00:14:57,430 --> 00:15:00,850 So I did this unit and, uh, did it for 15 weeks. 293 00:15:00,850 --> 00:15:03,010 And I don't remember really, I don't remember. 294 00:15:03,130 --> 00:15:10,710 And it seems like, like an old lifetime ago, which I guess it was really, but, but I was there and it just, uh, I did that unit. 295 00:15:10,710 --> 00:15:11,350 I don't remember. 296 00:15:11,770 --> 00:15:12,790 I don't remember anything. 297 00:15:12,790 --> 00:15:23,890 I just remember that the way that these therapists spoke, counselor spoke to me the day I met them from the, you know, the rapport from the very beginning, when I walked into the room, I said, I will never speak to these pigs. 298 00:15:24,430 --> 00:15:25,930 Like the way they spoke to me. 299 00:15:25,930 --> 00:15:31,870 I guess that's why the walk-in is important for me because the way they spoke to me, they were like, why are you a good black guy and sit down there? 300 00:15:31,990 --> 00:15:33,310 I'm like, so what happened? 301 00:15:33,310 --> 00:15:33,850 What's going on? 302 00:15:33,850 --> 00:15:34,910 Why are you drinking so much? 303 00:15:35,150 --> 00:15:35,830 I like cider. 304 00:15:35,830 --> 00:15:36,610 I like the taste of it. 305 00:15:36,850 --> 00:15:37,610 You know, it's you too. 306 00:15:37,610 --> 00:15:38,630 It's the music, the music. 307 00:15:38,630 --> 00:15:39,450 I can't stop drinking. 308 00:15:39,450 --> 00:15:40,030 I hear the music. 309 00:15:40,170 --> 00:15:44,690 And, uh, so I left there and, you know, uh, didn't, didn't share with nobody. 310 00:15:44,690 --> 00:15:51,110 I would, people would go to AA meetings and, you know, really it was all, it was a lot of, you know, great people that were much older. 311 00:15:51,110 --> 00:15:54,110 I was 17 and they were saying, oh, you're so lucky to get it when you're young. 312 00:15:54,110 --> 00:15:55,430 And I'm like, what, whatever. 313 00:15:55,710 --> 00:15:59,390 And then they had like white shirts and gold watches and played golf. 314 00:15:59,390 --> 00:16:03,590 And there were, you know, far as I was concerned, the roles dying, afraid of God. 315 00:16:03,590 --> 00:16:08,310 And we're like making penance with God and there's no God, but there's steps and God is all over them. 316 00:16:08,630 --> 00:16:10,130 And, you know, to me, it was the church. 317 00:16:10,130 --> 00:16:11,350 I thought this is the church. 318 00:16:11,630 --> 00:16:12,710 They're just revamped it. 319 00:16:12,870 --> 00:16:15,710 And, you know, you don't have to pay to pass the basket. 320 00:16:15,710 --> 00:16:16,550 Of course you pass it. 321 00:16:16,550 --> 00:16:18,590 Plus there's always an age, right? 322 00:16:18,590 --> 00:16:19,850 There's always money. 323 00:16:19,910 --> 00:16:20,790 So, uh, 324 00:16:21,110 --> 00:16:22,910 I didn't, I just didn't connect with it. 325 00:16:22,910 --> 00:16:23,550 I didn't see that. 326 00:16:23,550 --> 00:16:29,790 I had, I thought that, you know, it was family issues and it was because of this happening and that happening and all that stuff. 327 00:16:29,830 --> 00:16:32,710 And, um, that certain stuff certainly needed to be sorted out. 328 00:16:32,990 --> 00:16:39,910 But my reaction to that was to keep drinking and live a very chaotic, unmanageable life, which went contrary to everybody else who was around me. 329 00:16:40,110 --> 00:16:47,550 The people were like people my age at that time were, were working, were going to school, were, had structure, were paying bills, had apartments. 330 00:16:47,550 --> 00:16:50,910 And I was, uh, just avoiding any responsibility. 331 00:16:50,910 --> 00:16:53,630 Because I didn't know how to do that. 332 00:16:53,670 --> 00:16:56,310 I had no idea how to get an apartment or room. 333 00:16:56,790 --> 00:16:59,190 And I wasn't going to ask anybody and people would say, get a room. 334 00:16:59,550 --> 00:17:00,270 And I'm like, why? 335 00:17:00,270 --> 00:17:01,190 I'm not going to stick around. 336 00:17:01,390 --> 00:17:01,750 Why? 337 00:17:01,910 --> 00:17:06,470 But when you've been here a year, I mean, you might, might get a room, you know, why don't you get a winter jacket? 338 00:17:06,550 --> 00:17:07,430 I don't like jackets. 339 00:17:07,510 --> 00:17:09,110 And, uh, so just stuff like that. 340 00:17:09,110 --> 00:17:10,630 I was kind of like wired differently. 341 00:17:10,710 --> 00:17:18,590 So, uh, fast forward, my worst drunk, uh, got sober at 19 for 18 months, went to AA meetings, got a job, didn't work with people. 342 00:17:18,590 --> 00:17:19,910 I got a job in a refrigerator. 343 00:17:20,030 --> 00:17:20,710 I was packing shelves. 344 00:17:20,710 --> 00:17:24,150 Didn't have to deal with people at all because I was an equal opportunity. 345 00:17:24,150 --> 00:17:26,830 I didn't like anybody really afraid of people. 346 00:17:26,910 --> 00:17:32,270 And I still am, but, uh, but I'm not scared of you, but I was afraid then and scared, but I didn't want to mix with you. 347 00:17:32,430 --> 00:17:38,070 And I got a job in the fridge and, uh, I went to meetings and I liked people in the meetings. 348 00:17:38,070 --> 00:17:40,830 And there was a guy there who I thought was really helping him a lot. 349 00:17:40,950 --> 00:17:42,150 And he was my sponsor. 350 00:17:42,830 --> 00:17:46,190 And, uh, I thought he was really like a lovely guy, but kind of lost it. 351 00:17:46,830 --> 00:17:50,030 And, uh, he, uh, I went to meetings every night. 352 00:17:50,030 --> 00:17:53,150 And after 18 months, I was sitting on my bed, my laundry was done. 353 00:17:53,150 --> 00:17:54,310 I've done my weekly laundry. 354 00:17:54,590 --> 00:17:56,910 I looked at my life and I thought my life is manageable. 355 00:17:56,950 --> 00:18:00,110 I mean, I've, I've, I've got, I'm managing, got some money. 356 00:18:00,110 --> 00:18:03,270 I've got a little motorbike, a job managing my life. 357 00:18:03,270 --> 00:18:04,990 So I, I really don't need it. 358 00:18:05,070 --> 00:18:07,670 And I missed the bar and I missed putting my name up on the pool. 359 00:18:08,670 --> 00:18:10,590 I want to listen to Madonna come out with an album. 360 00:18:10,670 --> 00:18:11,510 It was a really good album. 361 00:18:11,670 --> 00:18:12,710 And I thought, I want to go out. 362 00:18:12,710 --> 00:18:13,670 I want the nightlife. 363 00:18:13,990 --> 00:18:17,590 I want to go out, have some fun, you know, and I still come back to the meetings. 364 00:18:18,470 --> 00:18:19,270 I see Richie. 365 00:18:19,350 --> 00:18:19,870 I think. 366 00:18:19,870 --> 00:18:22,270 And, uh, he understands that I had to go back. 367 00:18:22,270 --> 00:18:26,470 And, uh, I, I thought it was something I could just pick up and put down that I had like choice over. 368 00:18:26,590 --> 00:18:30,430 And up to that point, I was choosing because I'd kind of chosen to stay sober. 369 00:18:30,510 --> 00:18:33,630 And I went drinking for a couple of days and I burned the room down. 370 00:18:33,670 --> 00:18:34,550 I got rid of the bike. 371 00:18:34,590 --> 00:18:35,310 Yeah, of course. 372 00:18:35,510 --> 00:18:40,670 All the lucky clothes were destroyed and I got great joy in like making my life very chaotic, very quick. 373 00:18:40,750 --> 00:18:44,750 Uh, cause all that stuff in that 18 months of being sober just came out while I was drunk. 374 00:18:44,830 --> 00:18:49,550 And, uh, I was, you know, I was also a self-harmer through the whole drinking career. 375 00:18:49,550 --> 00:18:55,070 Cutting and jaywalking, standing on bridges, walking ledges, hanging off trunks, hanging off trains. 376 00:18:55,270 --> 00:19:00,790 I mean, just destructive living, destructive drinking, uh, reckless sexual conduct. 377 00:19:00,830 --> 00:19:04,070 I mean, just complete crazy demoralization. 378 00:19:04,310 --> 00:19:09,470 And somehow I got off on it because I kept doing it and it, it suited my head. 379 00:19:09,510 --> 00:19:11,990 It matched how I felt inside my head. 380 00:19:12,030 --> 00:19:13,070 And it seemed to be okay. 381 00:19:13,110 --> 00:19:15,350 My perception was completely warped. 382 00:19:15,390 --> 00:19:17,550 My life was completely warped. 383 00:19:17,590 --> 00:19:19,430 And, and I still to the very end. 384 00:19:19,430 --> 00:19:23,990 Believed that I was, my job was to manage it and not really accept help from anybody. 385 00:19:24,030 --> 00:19:26,510 And, uh, that night, uh, I went drinking. 386 00:19:26,550 --> 00:19:27,830 I put my head through a window. 387 00:19:27,870 --> 00:19:30,310 I was in a bar and I, and the bar was good. 388 00:19:30,350 --> 00:19:31,350 The music was good. 389 00:19:31,390 --> 00:19:35,110 And I remember Freddie Murphy was sitting over in the corner with some of his friends. 390 00:19:35,150 --> 00:19:38,270 And I went over to his security, gave him a slap because he was huge. 391 00:19:38,310 --> 00:19:39,510 And I thought, what are you looking at? 392 00:19:39,550 --> 00:19:40,830 He was like, I'm going to kill you. 393 00:19:40,870 --> 00:19:43,590 I'm like, mother, I'm sorry, Ray, I'm like a good alcoholic. 394 00:19:43,630 --> 00:19:46,310 And, uh, and I went outside and I thought, I hate my life. 395 00:19:46,350 --> 00:19:47,590 I can't wake up like this. 396 00:19:47,630 --> 00:19:48,550 I can't do this. 397 00:19:48,550 --> 00:19:49,390 I can't do this. 398 00:19:49,430 --> 00:19:50,950 I've been to AAF. 399 00:19:50,990 --> 00:19:53,950 I really arrogantly thought that I had tried everything. 400 00:19:53,990 --> 00:19:55,670 I tried really nothing. 401 00:19:55,710 --> 00:20:00,710 I mean, I applied nothing that they said in meetings to, you know, meeting with people and talking to people. 402 00:20:00,750 --> 00:20:01,990 I just wasn't ready. 403 00:20:02,030 --> 00:20:10,310 So I threw myself through this window and I woke up going to the hospital in the middle, center of London, 1991, January the 7th or whatever it was. 404 00:20:10,350 --> 00:20:13,630 And, uh, and I woke up and I was bleeding and I thought, I'm dying. 405 00:20:13,670 --> 00:20:14,590 I'm going to die. 406 00:20:14,630 --> 00:20:15,070 Oh my God. 407 00:20:15,110 --> 00:20:17,070 My father died from brain aneurysm. 408 00:20:17,110 --> 00:20:18,350 And my head was bleeding. 409 00:20:18,350 --> 00:20:19,910 So I thought, I'm going to die. 410 00:20:19,950 --> 00:20:21,390 I'm going to die tonight. 411 00:20:21,430 --> 00:20:22,750 I was like, you got to save me. 412 00:20:22,790 --> 00:20:23,670 Do you know who I am? 413 00:20:23,710 --> 00:20:25,590 They were like, you're not what they got. 414 00:20:25,630 --> 00:20:27,670 They're going to the hospital. 415 00:20:27,710 --> 00:20:29,870 They've been here three days, three nights in a row. 416 00:20:29,910 --> 00:20:33,070 But then I said, can you understand that? 417 00:20:33,110 --> 00:20:36,030 You have an accident, you have a burn. 418 00:20:36,070 --> 00:20:38,160 You can't wake me up. 419 00:20:38,200 --> 00:20:39,080 You can't wake me up. 420 00:20:39,120 --> 00:20:40,280 You can't wake me up. 421 00:20:40,320 --> 00:20:41,800 He said, you need to get out. 422 00:20:41,840 --> 00:20:42,720 You need to get out. 423 00:20:42,760 --> 00:20:44,240 You don't want to die. 424 00:20:44,280 --> 00:20:47,880 I woke up that morning and I said, I need to go to, and they said, you need to go to psych. 425 00:20:47,880 --> 00:20:49,120 You need to go to psychiatry. 426 00:20:49,160 --> 00:20:50,280 You need to stay in hospital. 427 00:20:50,320 --> 00:20:53,600 I said, no, I've been in hospital. 428 00:20:53,640 --> 00:20:54,920 What they said was true. 429 00:20:54,960 --> 00:20:55,800 Well, I get it. 430 00:20:55,840 --> 00:20:56,400 I get it. 431 00:20:56,440 --> 00:20:57,800 I really get it. 432 00:20:57,840 --> 00:20:59,320 I need to go to an alien meeting. 433 00:20:59,360 --> 00:21:00,400 I went to an alien meeting. 434 00:21:00,440 --> 00:21:01,200 There was a woman there. 435 00:21:01,240 --> 00:21:02,480 She saw the state of me. 436 00:21:02,520 --> 00:21:03,680 I inflected myself. 437 00:21:03,720 --> 00:21:07,280 I said, you need to go to the hospital. 438 00:21:07,320 --> 00:21:08,600 You need to go to treatment. 439 00:21:08,640 --> 00:21:09,480 You need treatment. 440 00:21:09,520 --> 00:21:11,320 You're sick. 441 00:21:11,360 --> 00:21:12,520 Tell me about your childhood. 442 00:21:12,560 --> 00:21:17,840 She asked me public questions and she could, I don't know who she was, but she obviously 443 00:21:17,920 --> 00:21:18,600 knew what she was doing. 444 00:21:18,640 --> 00:21:20,080 She said, you need to go to a treatment center. 445 00:21:20,120 --> 00:21:23,440 I don't think you're ready to join the human race yet. 446 00:21:23,480 --> 00:21:25,280 I don't think you're ready for the working life. 447 00:21:25,320 --> 00:21:27,880 I don't think you're ready to be sitting in a room on your own. 448 00:21:27,920 --> 00:21:33,400 I think you need to go out and speak to some people and get some treatment and not be punished. 449 00:21:33,440 --> 00:21:37,640 So I went to treatment and when I was driving there, I thought, when I was going there on 450 00:21:37,680 --> 00:21:41,960 the train, I thought, maybe I should cut myself because I looked pretty good when I was sober. 451 00:21:42,000 --> 00:21:45,080 I'd wake up in sidewalks, many of them, and they would say, so what's going on? 452 00:21:45,120 --> 00:21:46,360 I said, I was too drunk. 453 00:21:46,400 --> 00:21:47,360 I don't remember. 454 00:21:47,360 --> 00:21:48,240 They said, well, you seem okay. 455 00:21:48,280 --> 00:21:49,000 Are you depressed? 456 00:21:49,040 --> 00:21:49,840 I went, no. 457 00:21:49,880 --> 00:21:51,280 I've got this morning's table tennis. 458 00:21:51,320 --> 00:21:52,760 They were like, you seem okay. 459 00:21:52,800 --> 00:21:56,320 You're not really, you know, didn't really diagnose me with anything. 460 00:21:56,360 --> 00:21:58,080 And they would say, well, just don't drink. 461 00:21:58,120 --> 00:22:00,240 So I would leave and I would just say, okay, I'm not going to drink. 462 00:22:00,280 --> 00:22:01,880 And then I checked, we'll come and I get drunk. 463 00:22:01,920 --> 00:22:05,880 So I bounced back quickly at like 17, 18, 20. 464 00:22:05,920 --> 00:22:09,120 And so I went to the treatment center and I thought, I look too good. 465 00:22:09,160 --> 00:22:14,920 I look, I look like an alcoholic. 466 00:22:14,960 --> 00:22:17,280 And I went there and the intern counselor 467 00:22:17,280 --> 00:22:19,960 he listened for about 10 minutes and he said, you should stay. 468 00:22:20,000 --> 00:22:20,600 You should stay. 469 00:22:20,640 --> 00:22:22,760 Don't go back to Luck Lake, forget Luck Lake, just stay here. 470 00:22:22,800 --> 00:22:25,320 So I stayed and thank God I stayed. 471 00:22:25,360 --> 00:22:27,640 I stayed for six months with no insurance. 472 00:22:27,680 --> 00:22:31,240 It was strict because it was just normal life. 473 00:22:31,280 --> 00:22:32,520 And that to me was strict. 474 00:22:32,560 --> 00:22:34,000 Like, you got to make your bed. 475 00:22:34,040 --> 00:22:36,240 Like my mother said, what's strict about that? 476 00:22:36,280 --> 00:22:38,680 I'm like, that's tough. 477 00:22:38,720 --> 00:22:41,240 Every day, like every time I get into it, I got to make it. 478 00:22:41,280 --> 00:22:43,040 And she kept pretending to have a free year. 479 00:22:43,080 --> 00:22:44,800 And now you've got to get up at a certain time. 480 00:22:44,840 --> 00:22:47,080 I mean, that's just, that's, that's strict. 481 00:22:47,080 --> 00:22:50,760 And I went to treatment and they were, I stayed there for that time and they taught 482 00:22:50,800 --> 00:22:57,120 me how to live in the day sober and they privately spoke to me about everything 483 00:22:57,160 --> 00:23:00,800 that I'd been through and everything I put myself through and everything I put 484 00:23:00,840 --> 00:23:05,080 everybody else through and I had to write letters there to myself and start writing 485 00:23:05,120 --> 00:23:10,240 on the steps and talked, learned about the manageability and the chaos of my life 486 00:23:10,280 --> 00:23:16,320 and my dreams and there wasn't really many dreams to be honest with you. 487 00:23:16,320 --> 00:23:20,640 I just wanted to keep on the move and just keep away from whatever it was that was going to get me. 488 00:23:20,680 --> 00:23:27,720 And they helped me to understand this disease, that it was a family disease and that it wasn't my fault 489 00:23:27,760 --> 00:23:30,760 and I didn't need to be touched, that it needed to be treated. 490 00:23:30,800 --> 00:23:33,200 I couldn't think of a way to treat it. 491 00:23:33,240 --> 00:23:35,320 And the good news was it was really simple. 492 00:23:35,360 --> 00:23:38,040 It was really an easy treatment plan. 493 00:23:38,080 --> 00:23:43,480 But the bad news was that I probably wouldn't want to do any of it because it's just the way it is. 494 00:23:43,520 --> 00:23:45,400 Simple stuff that you just don't want to do. 495 00:23:45,440 --> 00:23:46,280 Like make your bed. 496 00:23:46,360 --> 00:23:51,920 You know, pay your rent at the end of the month, not the second, the end of the month. 497 00:23:51,960 --> 00:23:53,920 Why? Because they want it at the end of the month. 498 00:23:53,960 --> 00:23:56,640 And I had fights about God. 499 00:23:56,680 --> 00:23:58,160 Like, why do we have to thank God? 500 00:23:58,200 --> 00:24:00,320 He just kept this little nun in there. 501 00:24:00,360 --> 00:24:01,320 She said, it's his name. 502 00:24:01,360 --> 00:24:02,000 Just get over it. 503 00:24:02,040 --> 00:24:02,840 Like, it's just his name. 504 00:24:02,880 --> 00:24:03,520 Your name is Tommy. 505 00:24:03,560 --> 00:24:04,200 His name is God. 506 00:24:04,240 --> 00:24:05,360 Get over it. 507 00:24:05,400 --> 00:24:07,080 We're not going to change his name for you. 508 00:24:07,120 --> 00:24:08,920 I mean, there's billions of people on the planet. 509 00:24:08,960 --> 00:24:11,560 You're the only one that comes along and changes his name. 510 00:24:11,600 --> 00:24:16,280 Just get over it and let go and try and just let go and be a member. 511 00:24:16,360 --> 00:24:20,000 Just be just try and be and be just be a member here. 512 00:24:20,040 --> 00:24:21,960 You're not you're not in charge. 513 00:24:22,000 --> 00:24:25,360 Yes, we know you want to be the counselor, but you're not the counselor. 514 00:24:25,400 --> 00:24:26,400 You're not the nun. 515 00:24:26,440 --> 00:24:28,080 You're not the spiritual guide. 516 00:24:28,120 --> 00:24:30,040 And you're just you're an alcoholic. 517 00:24:30,080 --> 00:24:31,520 And you've got how many days? 518 00:24:31,560 --> 00:24:35,400 Just count your days and cherish them and try and enjoy being sober. 519 00:24:35,440 --> 00:24:40,280 Try and be honest with yourself when you go to bed and ask yourself, is this better than what it was? 520 00:24:40,320 --> 00:24:41,200 Is this better? 521 00:24:41,240 --> 00:24:43,280 Is this a better deal than what it was? 522 00:24:43,320 --> 00:24:46,240 Because if I really believe in my innermost self, then it's not. 523 00:24:46,240 --> 00:24:49,960 I don't know if I'd stick around, but I've never felt that 28 years. 524 00:24:50,000 --> 00:25:00,120 I've never felt that this is not better than what I put myself through drunk and sober, that this is not better than the degradation of not going through the window. 525 00:25:00,160 --> 00:25:02,240 That was like the greatest thing I probably ever did. 526 00:25:02,280 --> 00:25:08,800 But being in Dublin in the middle of the night and running away from home because somebody called me ginger. 527 00:25:08,840 --> 00:25:14,640 I'm like, my reaction to that was to leave the whole country or kill myself. 528 00:25:14,680 --> 00:25:16,160 It's just like way over the top. 529 00:25:16,160 --> 00:25:19,160 And normal people don't deal with problems like that. 530 00:25:19,200 --> 00:25:21,400 They like they would just take the person who said that. 531 00:25:21,440 --> 00:25:24,120 And again, it's like, I don't know. 532 00:25:24,160 --> 00:25:26,240 So I'm very mixed up and very sick. 533 00:25:26,280 --> 00:25:27,920 And they told me, you're not a bad guy. 534 00:25:27,960 --> 00:25:29,000 You're a good guy. 535 00:25:29,040 --> 00:25:30,000 You've got a good heart. 536 00:25:30,040 --> 00:25:30,400 You know what? 537 00:25:30,440 --> 00:25:35,200 You've got a good, soft, sensitive, not a gay heart, a human heart. 538 00:25:35,240 --> 00:25:37,240 You're a good guy. 539 00:25:37,280 --> 00:25:40,080 You've got good and you've got not any good intentions. 540 00:25:40,120 --> 00:25:41,920 But you're good on the inside. 541 00:25:41,960 --> 00:25:43,480 I'm not a psychopath. 542 00:25:43,520 --> 00:25:44,720 I do have compassion. 543 00:25:44,760 --> 00:25:45,800 I do care about you. 544 00:25:45,800 --> 00:25:48,400 I do care about I do want to be happy. 545 00:25:48,440 --> 00:25:49,680 I just don't know how to do it. 546 00:25:49,720 --> 00:25:51,360 And I don't know how to trust you. 547 00:25:51,400 --> 00:25:53,280 And I'm too afraid to do that. 548 00:25:53,320 --> 00:25:54,800 And I don't know what that's like. 549 00:25:54,840 --> 00:25:57,600 So they were like, well, how is it here? 550 00:25:57,640 --> 00:25:59,000 And I'm like, it's good. 551 00:25:59,040 --> 00:25:59,440 It's nice. 552 00:25:59,480 --> 00:26:01,400 It's like people are people are friendly. 553 00:26:01,440 --> 00:26:03,600 You know, you should get rid of a few of them. 554 00:26:03,640 --> 00:26:05,760 But people are friendly. 555 00:26:05,800 --> 00:26:07,720 So I stayed there. 556 00:26:07,760 --> 00:26:09,600 And that was my introduction to Alcoholics Anonymous. 557 00:26:09,640 --> 00:26:11,320 I said, you need to go to meetings. 558 00:26:11,360 --> 00:26:12,320 We're going to help you. 559 00:26:12,360 --> 00:26:13,720 We're going to reintroduce you to meetings. 560 00:26:13,760 --> 00:26:14,120 Meetings. 561 00:26:14,160 --> 00:26:15,640 It's not about playing golf. 562 00:26:15,800 --> 00:26:17,200 It's not about being afraid to die. 563 00:26:17,240 --> 00:26:19,400 It's not about any of that. 564 00:26:19,440 --> 00:26:21,600 Meetings is really what happens in meetings. 565 00:26:21,640 --> 00:26:23,880 They said to me was in that room. 566 00:26:23,920 --> 00:26:27,560 There is a power when you guys come together. 567 00:26:27,600 --> 00:26:30,760 He said, you know, when you're in the middle of the night and on the beaches 568 00:26:30,800 --> 00:26:35,400 in London and in the west south of England and two o'clock in the morning, 569 00:26:35,440 --> 00:26:39,000 you're terrified and you're on your own and you're disconnected from everybody. 570 00:26:39,040 --> 00:26:42,040 And he said, that's what meetings are not like. 571 00:26:42,080 --> 00:26:43,840 When you're in meetings, you are connected. 572 00:26:43,880 --> 00:26:45,520 Even if you don't want to be, you're just 573 00:26:45,520 --> 00:26:47,760 connected. There's this we call it spiritual. 574 00:26:47,800 --> 00:26:53,360 We call it bringing your spirit into reality and bringing it into a meeting of other drunks. 575 00:26:53,400 --> 00:26:55,440 It doesn't get more real when they're sober. 576 00:26:55,480 --> 00:26:58,720 So just sit in the room and then you're being this is the treatment. 577 00:26:58,760 --> 00:26:59,800 You're being healed. 578 00:26:59,840 --> 00:27:05,520 It's like there's like they're plugging the IV spiritual treatment and you don't even feel it. 579 00:27:05,560 --> 00:27:10,120 But it means like in a cold and you're being treated whether you want it or not. 580 00:27:10,160 --> 00:27:10,760 It doesn't matter. 581 00:27:10,800 --> 00:27:15,080 This is so powerful that whether you want it or not, you're being treated just like 582 00:27:15,080 --> 00:27:17,800 if you live with an alcoholic, whether you want to get sick or not, 583 00:27:17,840 --> 00:27:20,920 you're going to get sick if they're an active addiction, they will destroy you. 584 00:27:20,960 --> 00:27:21,400 They will. 585 00:27:21,440 --> 00:27:22,000 They will. 586 00:27:22,040 --> 00:27:25,320 The first day they'll annihilate you, they'll kill you or you'll kill yourself. 587 00:27:25,360 --> 00:27:29,240 And and the same in treatment and in meetings, there's a treatment. 588 00:27:29,280 --> 00:27:33,040 And if you if you go there and get your treatment, you can get well. 589 00:27:33,080 --> 00:27:35,080 If you stop going, you get sick. 590 00:27:35,120 --> 00:27:36,760 There's no moral applied to it. 591 00:27:36,800 --> 00:27:38,120 It's not about being good or bad. 592 00:27:38,160 --> 00:27:41,080 It's not about the only requirement is the desire to stop drinking. 593 00:27:41,080 --> 00:27:42,880 There's nobody in charge, including you. 594 00:27:42,880 --> 00:27:45,040 You're never going to be in charge no matter how long you're 595 00:27:45,080 --> 00:27:49,240 sober, you're not here to ram it down anybody's mouth or you're in here to get 596 00:27:49,280 --> 00:27:52,800 your treatment and and go out and live your life. 597 00:27:52,840 --> 00:27:56,640 And every meeting that you go to is an assurance that you'll be returned 598 00:27:56,680 --> 00:28:00,520 to sanity, that you'll be able to handle situations which is the best for you 599 00:28:00,560 --> 00:28:04,560 and everybody around you and simple things like, you know, I come to a meeting 600 00:28:04,560 --> 00:28:06,400 and I say, hey, I'm thinking about getting a job. 601 00:28:06,400 --> 00:28:09,360 And my spouse would say, get a shitty one because you're going to get fired. 602 00:28:09,400 --> 00:28:11,560 He's like, 603 00:28:11,600 --> 00:28:14,360 it'll kill you for two years old or to kill you. 604 00:28:14,400 --> 00:28:15,360 And recovery is the same. 605 00:28:15,360 --> 00:28:16,400 You're never too young to die. 606 00:28:16,440 --> 00:28:17,400 That's what I was told. 607 00:28:17,440 --> 00:28:18,720 You have to be put in the box. 608 00:28:18,760 --> 00:28:20,000 So you're not too young. 609 00:28:20,040 --> 00:28:21,320 I was over 21. 610 00:28:21,360 --> 00:28:22,640 I've stayed sober ever since. 611 00:28:22,680 --> 00:28:26,280 And through the grace of God, I have no idea because not easy out there, 612 00:28:26,320 --> 00:28:28,800 as we all know, and staying alive is hard enough. 613 00:28:28,840 --> 00:28:29,720 No, I'm staying sober. 614 00:28:29,760 --> 00:28:32,480 So but I was told that that's the treatment. 615 00:28:32,520 --> 00:28:35,840 And if you keep going to meetings, you'll be restored to sanity. 616 00:28:35,880 --> 00:28:37,640 Bring your body. Your mind will follow. 617 00:28:37,680 --> 00:28:42,000 My therapist said to me, he said, you've been here six months and he was also an AMA. 618 00:28:42,040 --> 00:28:43,320 He's also an AMA member. 619 00:28:43,360 --> 00:28:45,200 He said, give yourself 30 years of 620 00:28:45,200 --> 00:28:49,280 recovery, he said, from what I've seen, it takes about five to ten for you to kind 621 00:28:49,320 --> 00:28:53,720 of like come to terms with denial and work through the first couple of steps and learn 622 00:28:53,760 --> 00:28:56,920 about your unmanageability, sober and learn about what happened to you. 623 00:28:56,960 --> 00:28:58,800 He said, steep yourself in your problem. 624 00:28:58,840 --> 00:29:00,560 Talk about your drinking for the first year. 625 00:29:00,600 --> 00:29:04,520 Talk about what alcohol has done to you, what it's done to your life. 626 00:29:04,560 --> 00:29:06,480 Really see the problem for what it is, 627 00:29:06,520 --> 00:29:10,120 your problem, not their problem, your problem, what it's done to you. 628 00:29:10,160 --> 00:29:12,040 And try and come to terms with that. 629 00:29:12,080 --> 00:29:15,160 And then while you're doing that, you're coming to 630 00:29:15,240 --> 00:29:19,800 and you're starting to believe that there is a life, there is a powerful life, 631 00:29:19,840 --> 00:29:26,360 sober, that will restore you to feel happy about being on the planet sober and being 632 00:29:26,400 --> 00:29:29,040 returned, living sane, making sane decisions. 633 00:29:29,080 --> 00:29:33,640 And staying sober is the proof of sanity for me. 634 00:29:33,680 --> 00:29:35,680 When I stay sober, it proves that I'm sane. 635 00:29:35,720 --> 00:29:38,240 For me to pick up, all it needs is some sanity. 636 00:29:38,280 --> 00:29:42,560 And if I don't go to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, I start getting sick and then I 637 00:29:42,600 --> 00:29:45,080 will be insane and I will decide it's best to get sober. 638 00:29:45,200 --> 00:29:46,960 I'll get drunk because I need to be treated. 639 00:29:47,000 --> 00:29:50,680 And alcohol would treat this disease, not in a good way, but it will treat it. 640 00:29:50,720 --> 00:29:52,720 So that's how I kind of learned it. 641 00:29:52,760 --> 00:29:57,440 If I got it wrong, guys, you're all to blame because you did this to me. 642 00:29:57,480 --> 00:29:59,960 Nothing. And you've done this to me all over the world. 643 00:30:00,000 --> 00:30:01,240 You've done this to me. 644 00:30:01,280 --> 00:30:03,880 You know, it kind of just went on like that. 645 00:30:03,920 --> 00:30:08,520 You know, days turn into weeks, into months, into years, into decades. 646 00:30:08,560 --> 00:30:14,480 And it's not easy out there, but it's there's no option for me. 647 00:30:14,520 --> 00:30:15,120 I did. 648 00:30:15,120 --> 00:30:20,480 I decided that if I drink, I knew in my inner self, if I drink alcohol or sniff 649 00:30:20,520 --> 00:30:26,320 killer or use drugs or anything, if I do this to this head, if I mix any chemical 650 00:30:26,360 --> 00:30:30,120 with this head, I'm going to end up dead and it won't be from probably not from 651 00:30:30,160 --> 00:30:34,360 cirrhosis and it'll probably be from my jumping through a window or jaywalking. 652 00:30:34,400 --> 00:30:37,280 Now I drive. Can you imagine? 653 00:30:37,320 --> 00:30:40,440 So it would be just it's destructive drinking. 654 00:30:40,480 --> 00:30:44,920 There were good times, but bottom line, it was destructive drinking. 655 00:30:44,920 --> 00:30:51,000 And even if, you know, there's times in sobriety where I think maybe it was, you know, maybe I've never drank tequila. 656 00:30:51,040 --> 00:30:55,560 I was in Mexico for my honeymoon this year and I thought, I've never had a handle martini. 657 00:30:55,600 --> 00:30:57,320 I didn't have that back in Ireland. 658 00:30:57,360 --> 00:30:59,840 You know, maybe it's because of the abuse. 659 00:30:59,880 --> 00:31:00,880 Maybe it's because of this. 660 00:31:00,920 --> 00:31:01,160 Maybe. 661 00:31:01,200 --> 00:31:06,320 But as alcohol is concerned, my drinking was destructive drinking. 662 00:31:06,360 --> 00:31:09,080 My drinking was never not destructive. 663 00:31:09,120 --> 00:31:10,800 It was it was predicted. 664 00:31:10,840 --> 00:31:11,760 It was predictable. 665 00:31:11,800 --> 00:31:14,680 And I remember telling my mother in treatment, I said, Mom, 666 00:31:14,680 --> 00:31:17,080 she said to the counselor, what's wrong with him? 667 00:31:17,120 --> 00:31:18,760 He says, well, he's an alcoholic. 668 00:31:18,800 --> 00:31:21,000 And I said, we have a dysfunctional family. 669 00:31:21,040 --> 00:31:23,080 I was kind of like a little bit of blaming her. 670 00:31:23,120 --> 00:31:24,560 We're dysfunctional because of you. 671 00:31:24,600 --> 00:31:29,680 And she said, we don't find that you arrived, but you're in the woods, 672 00:31:29,720 --> 00:31:33,240 you're in the middle of life and I'm worried about you. 673 00:31:33,280 --> 00:31:34,400 Where are you? 674 00:31:34,440 --> 00:31:35,840 Is he dead? Is he alive? 675 00:31:35,880 --> 00:31:40,560 You come home with a bag of clothes, an alcoholic, and then you come home sober with money. 676 00:31:40,600 --> 00:31:41,880 And you'd be like, you're not an alcoholic. 677 00:31:41,920 --> 00:31:43,800 And then you come home and say you're straight and you're gay. 678 00:31:43,840 --> 00:31:44,480 And then you're gone. 679 00:31:44,680 --> 00:31:45,720 And we didn't. 680 00:31:45,760 --> 00:31:48,120 We were as confused as you. 681 00:31:48,160 --> 00:31:50,880 I'm glad you're locked up in here because 682 00:31:50,920 --> 00:31:55,320 that's why she was like, well, it's wrong because we've been through this so many times. 683 00:31:55,360 --> 00:31:59,440 What she didn't understand was the cycle of addiction and the way of life that goes with it. 684 00:31:59,480 --> 00:32:02,960 So anyway, what it's like now. 685 00:32:03,000 --> 00:32:07,040 So I came into Alcoholics Anonymous when I was 21 with a bad attitude. 686 00:32:07,080 --> 00:32:09,000 He told me to take a seat. 687 00:32:09,040 --> 00:32:12,320 And people who were not nice to me, they didn't come back to me a second time. 688 00:32:12,360 --> 00:32:14,040 So I didn't suffer. 689 00:32:14,040 --> 00:32:16,120 I didn't like being told what to do. 690 00:32:16,160 --> 00:32:18,920 I would just tell them to go away, leave me alone. 691 00:32:18,960 --> 00:32:21,960 And I had a couple of women who were old timers. 692 00:32:22,000 --> 00:32:25,080 I don't know why, but they took me under their wing in Bristol in England. 693 00:32:25,120 --> 00:32:28,400 And they said, you know, you can suffer six months and you need to work. 694 00:32:28,440 --> 00:32:29,960 We've got a job for you in a coffee shop. 695 00:32:30,000 --> 00:32:31,280 And I said, okay. 696 00:32:31,320 --> 00:32:32,960 And I went and worked in this coffee shop. 697 00:32:33,000 --> 00:32:38,280 I was not good in a coffee shop because, I mean, when you ask for a second cup, I'm like, don't you have any gratitude? 698 00:32:38,320 --> 00:32:40,920 I mean, there's other people here, you know, tree cups. 699 00:32:40,960 --> 00:32:42,080 Are you kidding me? 700 00:32:42,120 --> 00:32:43,080 I mean, no. 701 00:32:43,080 --> 00:32:48,120 There's a really odd, just bad attitude. 702 00:32:48,160 --> 00:32:50,320 And they took me under their wing. 703 00:32:50,360 --> 00:32:53,480 And there was a couple of men at the meeting, old timers. 704 00:32:53,520 --> 00:32:55,840 They would say to me, hang in there. 705 00:32:55,880 --> 00:32:59,440 I would say to them, I don't have any money, I have no work, I have no money, I have no cigarettes. 706 00:32:59,480 --> 00:33:01,040 The gas is off at the house. 707 00:33:01,080 --> 00:33:03,160 I sleep on a coffin. 708 00:33:03,200 --> 00:33:04,720 I call my bed a coffin. 709 00:33:04,760 --> 00:33:07,880 It's like getting out of a grave, the alcoholic apartment. 710 00:33:07,920 --> 00:33:11,720 I loved it in meetings, but when I would leave meetings, it just felt like hell. 711 00:33:11,760 --> 00:33:13,040 What the hell am I going to do all night? 712 00:33:13,120 --> 00:33:14,120 I have no money. 713 00:33:14,160 --> 00:33:16,600 It's just desperation on the inside. 714 00:33:16,640 --> 00:33:18,440 And I wouldn't even go to get the cookies. 715 00:33:18,480 --> 00:33:25,400 In a meeting like this, if I came in here hungry, I would be too humiliated to go down there because you would all see me taking the cookies. 716 00:33:25,440 --> 00:33:28,120 And then you would be talking about, did you see Tommy? 717 00:33:28,160 --> 00:33:30,080 He's like, you weren't doing that at all. 718 00:33:30,120 --> 00:33:35,200 It's just my ego, my disease, my just alcoholism. 719 00:33:35,240 --> 00:33:42,840 And eventually, you know, it just becomes painful enough sober that I just start to reveal myself to you guys. 720 00:33:42,840 --> 00:33:45,640 I start to say, tell you what's going on. 721 00:33:45,680 --> 00:33:53,880 And people would slowly, you know, my sponsor, my first sponsor, I'd see him twice a week, Tuesdays and Thursdays at seven o'clock. 722 00:33:53,920 --> 00:33:56,360 He would make a cup of tea, Irish tea. 723 00:33:56,400 --> 00:33:58,720 He'd have a saucer and a cup and he'd turn off the phone. 724 00:33:58,760 --> 00:34:01,560 And he would say to me, you know, he'd ask me about my week. 725 00:34:01,600 --> 00:34:03,200 We take it week by week. 726 00:34:03,240 --> 00:34:04,880 I need to apply the steps to my life. 727 00:34:04,920 --> 00:34:07,440 I look like he would say, how are you treating the stores? 728 00:34:07,480 --> 00:34:09,040 How are you on the buses? 729 00:34:09,080 --> 00:34:10,120 What's your behavior like? 730 00:34:10,160 --> 00:34:12,040 And I just started chipping away at it. 731 00:34:12,040 --> 00:34:17,000 Trying to live sober day at a time was never easy for me or you. 732 00:34:17,040 --> 00:34:21,640 And, you know, I always say to myself, anything is possible. 733 00:34:21,680 --> 00:34:27,680 I came to the States in 2010 with no papers to stay, with nothing but a car that broke down the day I arrived. 734 00:34:27,720 --> 00:34:29,120 Good riddance of raptor. 735 00:34:29,160 --> 00:34:32,560 And I've become a citizen since I've been here. 736 00:34:32,600 --> 00:34:39,080 I've done four degrees since I've been here and finishing my doctorate, you know, for a redhead, blue-snipping psych patient. 737 00:34:39,120 --> 00:34:41,880 He's not even inside of a doctor. 738 00:34:41,880 --> 00:34:54,880 It's the journey of it all, you know, it's not the destination, the journey of living sober, really about not picking up a drink, day at a time, and what applied to me then applies to me now. 739 00:34:54,920 --> 00:34:57,440 And it stands the test of time. 740 00:34:57,480 --> 00:34:59,000 I just said I did 90 and 90. 741 00:34:59,040 --> 00:35:11,720 The best time this year I've had is the last 90 days of coming to a meeting every day and just getting back into the booths and getting some commitment and following the structure of the meetings and just being a new member again. 742 00:35:11,720 --> 00:35:12,760 And it's a very good time. 743 00:35:12,800 --> 00:35:13,880 Thank you guys so much.