1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,160 But if you want to leave, a good time is next. 2 00:00:02,160 --> 00:00:04,320 My name is David Martin, and I'm an alcoholic. 3 00:00:04,320 --> 00:00:05,600 Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. 4 00:00:05,600 --> 00:00:07,360 Thank Oscar for asking me to come out. 5 00:00:07,360 --> 00:00:09,800 It's my second or third time here, and I'm thinking, 6 00:00:09,800 --> 00:00:11,840 are these the right thing, or do they help me get it right? 7 00:00:11,840 --> 00:00:13,000 And it really is. 8 00:00:13,000 --> 00:00:16,360 I used to hear people say, it's such an honor to speak at an AA meeting. 9 00:00:16,360 --> 00:00:17,880 And I was in the back of the room. 10 00:00:17,880 --> 00:00:18,880 You were coming around. 11 00:00:18,880 --> 00:00:20,120 I'm like, what's the honor? 12 00:00:20,120 --> 00:00:21,240 What's the big deal? 13 00:00:21,240 --> 00:00:23,480 That's because I had no intention of being sober. 14 00:00:23,480 --> 00:00:27,520 And now that I'm sober a while, I realize that this really is. 15 00:00:27,520 --> 00:00:29,880 Even though it's the least AA thing I do, 16 00:00:29,880 --> 00:00:32,440 it really is an honor and privilege to be here. 17 00:00:32,440 --> 00:00:34,280 And I owe that all to Alcoholics Anonymous. 18 00:00:34,280 --> 00:00:35,920 I love Alcoholics Anonymous. 19 00:00:35,920 --> 00:00:37,880 I'm not a big AA cheerleader. 20 00:00:37,880 --> 00:00:40,280 I say a few things that might be controversial, 21 00:00:40,280 --> 00:00:42,080 but it's just my experience. 22 00:00:42,080 --> 00:00:43,240 I don't speak for AA. 23 00:00:43,240 --> 00:00:45,000 I can tell you my journey. 24 00:00:45,000 --> 00:00:46,400 I want to welcome the newcomers. 25 00:00:46,400 --> 00:00:47,480 I'm glad you're here. 26 00:00:47,480 --> 00:00:49,840 And I hope you get to the point where you're glad you're here. 27 00:00:49,840 --> 00:00:51,280 Because if you're anything like me, 28 00:00:51,280 --> 00:00:54,880 the last thing I wanted to do was be in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. 29 00:00:54,880 --> 00:00:56,480 This was not on my bucket list. 30 00:00:56,480 --> 00:00:57,320 I thought it was. 31 00:00:57,320 --> 00:00:59,160 I don't know why you did that. 32 00:00:59,160 --> 00:00:59,840 David, we're wondering. 33 00:00:59,840 --> 00:01:02,000 We're in a meeting and somebody comes in and goes, 34 00:01:02,000 --> 00:01:04,600 alcohol and drugs works really good for me. 35 00:01:04,600 --> 00:01:07,800 I've got no problems, but I thought I'd come here now. 36 00:01:07,800 --> 00:01:09,440 Because that's not what we do. 37 00:01:09,440 --> 00:01:10,440 I don't know. 38 00:01:10,440 --> 00:01:12,080 There probably is one or two people. 39 00:01:12,080 --> 00:01:14,880 But I don't know anybody in the middle of when it was fun, 40 00:01:14,880 --> 00:01:16,080 thought they'd come to AA. 41 00:01:16,080 --> 00:01:18,400 I just started thinking I might have a problem 42 00:01:18,400 --> 00:01:21,240 until people kept saying, you've got a problem. 43 00:01:21,240 --> 00:01:24,960 And the wonderful thing about those times is people would say, 44 00:01:24,960 --> 00:01:26,080 what's wrong with you? 45 00:01:26,080 --> 00:01:28,160 And I don't know what's wrong with me. 46 00:01:28,160 --> 00:01:29,600 So I'd make something up. 47 00:01:29,600 --> 00:01:31,280 And I go to a lot of meetings. 48 00:01:31,280 --> 00:01:34,800 My sobriety day is January 6, 1996. 49 00:01:34,800 --> 00:01:39,840 I don't say that for any other reason other than to let you know that I stayed sober a 50 00:01:39,840 --> 00:01:41,360 lot longer than I intended. 51 00:01:41,360 --> 00:01:45,040 I went to my very first meeting March 31, 1986. 52 00:01:45,040 --> 00:01:48,280 And I spent 10 years in and out of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. 53 00:01:48,280 --> 00:01:50,800 And that's probably where my story begins. 54 00:01:50,800 --> 00:01:53,640 Because people kept saying, you need to stop drinking. 55 00:01:53,640 --> 00:01:54,840 Why do you drink so much? 56 00:01:54,840 --> 00:01:56,400 And I'm like, why don't you? 57 00:01:56,400 --> 00:01:58,840 And it just seemed to me it was the... 58 00:01:58,840 --> 00:02:00,440 Our book talks about it. 59 00:02:00,440 --> 00:02:02,200 It was your only normal life. 60 00:02:02,200 --> 00:02:03,280 That's all I knew. 61 00:02:03,280 --> 00:02:04,320 That's all I knew. 62 00:02:04,320 --> 00:02:08,840 And I hear speakers all the time talk about how they felt when they were young. 63 00:02:08,840 --> 00:02:11,360 I didn't know how I felt when I was young. 64 00:02:11,360 --> 00:02:15,600 Being an Alcoholics Anonymous and learning to identify with you people, 65 00:02:15,600 --> 00:02:20,880 I understand that I may have been a step behind or a step in front all my life. 66 00:02:20,880 --> 00:02:25,320 I was so far behind everybody when I got here, I thought I was in first place. 67 00:02:25,320 --> 00:02:26,360 . 68 00:02:26,360 --> 00:02:27,360 . 69 00:02:27,360 --> 00:02:28,360 . 70 00:04:58,360 --> 00:04:59,360 . 71 00:04:59,360 --> 00:05:04,460 and it did and then she tells me I need to go to Alcoholics Anonymous and I don't want to lose 72 00:05:04,460 --> 00:05:10,600 what she has to offer. I don't realize it at the time but my whole life has been spent looking for 73 00:05:10,600 --> 00:05:15,360 something out here to fix something that's broken inside of me and it's not going to happen and what 74 00:05:15,360 --> 00:05:20,380 I've learned just by hanging around you people is that if I'm not okay without it I'm never going 75 00:05:20,380 --> 00:05:25,640 to be okay with it. Then I'll spend my life chasing something and I part of my perception part of 76 00:05:25,640 --> 00:05:30,860 what's wrong with me is a perception that I need more and when I come to AA you think that when I 77 00:05:30,860 --> 00:05:35,040 when I walk in that door and I see people and they're all talking about this wonderful life 78 00:05:35,040 --> 00:05:40,160 and feeling better that I would want more but I want I can't wait to get away from people. So I 79 00:05:40,160 --> 00:05:44,340 decided to go to a meeting and I live it out in the harbor and I had a dinghy with one oar and I 80 00:05:44,340 --> 00:05:49,980 rode the shore in a circle. I'm wearing everything I own. I haven't had a shower in quite a long time. 81 00:05:50,120 --> 00:05:54,900 The room's about this size. I walk in there's a bunch of people, a couple of movie stars, there's 82 00:05:54,900 --> 00:05:55,620 an admiral. 83 00:05:55,760 --> 00:06:02,580 I'm a USF aircraft carrier. My first thought is these people can't drink it and I sat down in 84 00:06:02,580 --> 00:06:07,440 the chair and everybody moved to one side of the room. I'm sitting by the coffee pot. I'm drinking 85 00:06:07,440 --> 00:06:12,100 coffee like I drink whiskey. They pass the basket. I steal some money. Wouldn't be the last one. Some 86 00:06:12,100 --> 00:06:17,820 guy gives up and gives this horrendous story. I'm sitting there and I'm just sitting there and I go 87 00:06:17,820 --> 00:06:24,100 wow what a story and somewhere in that talk I probably said maybe I'm an alcoholic but saying 88 00:06:24,100 --> 00:06:25,620 I'm an alcoholic doesn't make me. 89 00:06:25,640 --> 00:06:36,700 It took me 10 years to understand that fact. When they were done and stepped in line and went to shake his hand and I thanked him for his talk and I said something really stupid like I can't wait to have a story like that. 90 00:06:36,960 --> 00:06:55,620 They laughed. He says son you probably already do. I left that meeting in the sea of alcoholics anonymous and I didn't know. Somewhere in that meeting or in the next few meetings I must have made the fatal mistake of asking God for help because he gave it in the form that I'm drinking. 91 00:06:55,640 --> 00:07:25,640 I was going to be ruined for the rest of my life. I didn't know. I always caught a break. I either ran away or didn't get caught. So I go back and I tell my girl all about alcoholics anonymous and how wonderful it is and how my life is going to change. I didn't mean a word. I started going to meetings and the people in AA did what they don't do it as much anymore but they rallied around me and they got me a haircut. This one gave me some clothes, gave me some money because they were tired of me taking it out of the basket. They picked the hole in my boat. I got 30 days and I got a haircut. I got a haircut. I got a haircut. I got a haircut. I got a haircut. I got a haircut. I got a haircut. I got a haircut. I got a haircut. I got a haircut. I got a haircut. I got a 92 00:07:25,640 --> 00:07:55,640 haircut. I got a haircut. I got a Grandpa's car. I was told something crazy overnight. It was every 30 days they gave me a chip and I'm feeling pretty good about myself. Landed up in a bar called The Green Parrot. I walk in I see a their looks and they didn'tgart me out of my hand. They say hey Dave where have you been?l I say I went to Alcoholics Anonymous. They told me they could fix my drinking. If you buy me a drink I'll tell you where it is. At that very moment, unbeknownst to me, I became a taker in a room full of givers and I would spend the next 10 years of my lifethin and out of alcoholics anonymous blowing my life up from the inside out but I didn't know I didn't know it when someone asked me if I wanted to do I said I'm powerless or I was powerless. 93 00:07:55,640 --> 00:08:17,040 I don't know that I'm powerless, and I think, and I'm going to jump all over this place, but I've been going to a lot of meetings lately, and I know California is a big thing about crosstalks, but we say a lot of things in here that aren't true, and not drinking, no matter what, does not work for me. I'm powerless. If drinking, no matter what, worked for me, I wouldn't have to go to AA. I just say, I'm not going to drink anymore. 94 00:08:17,040 --> 00:08:30,860 But there's something inside of me that I quit drinking, and the worst in me rises to the top. And if I don't do something about it, it's going to kill me. And I'm not going to be lucky enough to fall down dead. It's just going to continue to erode anything left of me that's any good. 95 00:08:30,860 --> 00:08:46,500 The whole purpose of the first step of Alcoholics Anonymous, if you're new, is for us to convince you that your problem is worse than you think it is. And I didn't get that. And I would sit there, and they would be talking to me about the obsession and the craving, and I'm like, what the hell? 96 00:08:46,500 --> 00:08:47,020 I need a drink. 97 00:08:47,040 --> 00:09:13,280 I didn't understand that when I think about a drink, I take one. I sponsored a couple of guys in LA, and they're both in treatment centers, and I love these guys dearly. And I don't want to say anything bad about treatment centers, but the other day, I was down there, and I was a lot excited because they were sitting around in a circle, and they were talking about their feelings. And he goes, oh, they were talking about triggers. And he goes, what was your trigger? I said, I was awake. I was awake. My craving didn't start off. 98 00:09:13,280 --> 00:09:16,240 I think if all of us could be acute alcoholics, 99 00:09:16,320 --> 00:09:17,020 I'd take that first. 100 00:09:17,040 --> 00:09:20,420 I'd take that first drink, and see our lives flash before our eyes, we might stop. 101 00:09:20,500 --> 00:09:22,600 A few of us, like Oscar, would just continue. 102 00:09:22,740 --> 00:09:24,480 And the really smart ones might stop. 103 00:09:24,680 --> 00:09:26,820 But that doesn't work for us that way. 104 00:09:26,920 --> 00:09:29,580 We develop that disease over a period of time. 105 00:09:29,800 --> 00:09:30,940 And when that tries to stop, 106 00:09:31,000 --> 00:09:32,020 it just gets worse. 107 00:09:32,140 --> 00:09:33,240 I don't understand that. 108 00:09:33,360 --> 00:09:35,320 But I'm living down in St. Thomas. 109 00:09:35,440 --> 00:09:36,440 She's left by now. 110 00:09:36,480 --> 00:09:38,240 I guess she didn't like me sober either. 111 00:09:38,840 --> 00:09:39,940 I need a job. 112 00:09:40,520 --> 00:09:42,760 I can have a license. I got a fake passport. 113 00:09:43,000 --> 00:09:45,140 And so I meet a guy, and he says that 114 00:09:45,140 --> 00:09:47,020 I'm a perfect candidate for the job. 115 00:09:47,100 --> 00:09:50,540 For the non-invoiced import-export business. 116 00:09:51,040 --> 00:09:53,040 And this sounds like a really good idea. 117 00:09:53,040 --> 00:09:54,040 I said, what do you do? 118 00:09:54,040 --> 00:09:55,640 He goes, you go there, you pick something up, 119 00:09:55,640 --> 00:09:56,540 and bring it here. 120 00:09:56,540 --> 00:09:58,040 Find out that you get killed along the way. 121 00:09:58,040 --> 00:10:01,640 And I joke about it, and I got to tell you. 122 00:10:01,640 --> 00:10:05,140 Drug smuggling was a lot of fun until it stopped being fun. 123 00:10:05,140 --> 00:10:07,140 But it's a dirty, messy, nasty business. 124 00:10:07,140 --> 00:10:10,540 There's things that happen, and there's things that I did, 125 00:10:10,540 --> 00:10:13,040 or I'm sure I did, that I am not proud about. 126 00:10:13,040 --> 00:10:14,740 And I won't talk about them from here. 127 00:10:14,740 --> 00:10:16,840 And it's just part of the part of the business. 128 00:10:16,840 --> 00:10:17,640 It's part of my life. 129 00:10:17,640 --> 00:10:19,040 A life I wish I hadn't chosen. 130 00:10:19,040 --> 00:10:20,140 And I'm going to tell you why. 131 00:10:20,140 --> 00:10:22,340 Because I was going to AA meetings, 132 00:10:22,340 --> 00:10:24,640 and I'm telling you what, I'm a businessman. 133 00:10:24,640 --> 00:10:26,140 I think they all knew what I was doing. 134 00:10:26,140 --> 00:10:27,440 And I'm drunk half the time. 135 00:10:27,440 --> 00:10:29,340 And I meet these young guys about my age, 136 00:10:29,340 --> 00:10:30,640 and we became kind of friends. 137 00:10:30,640 --> 00:10:33,840 And I announced to the group I was going on a business trip. 138 00:10:33,840 --> 00:10:36,540 And he says, well, I said, where are you going? 139 00:10:36,540 --> 00:10:38,140 I said, I'm going with a friend of mine now. 140 00:10:38,140 --> 00:10:39,140 I'm taking his boat. 141 00:10:39,140 --> 00:10:40,640 And he goes, well, can I stay on your boat? 142 00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:42,440 Can I watch your boat while you're gone? 143 00:10:42,440 --> 00:10:43,640 And I said, sure. 144 00:10:43,640 --> 00:10:45,540 And he says, is there anything I need to know? 145 00:10:45,540 --> 00:10:49,040 I thought he was asking me where the light switch is. 146 00:10:49,040 --> 00:10:50,340 But I knew he was asking me. 147 00:10:50,340 --> 00:10:51,840 I said, no, everything's fine. 148 00:10:51,840 --> 00:10:54,140 So I go off with this guy to go make some money. 149 00:10:54,140 --> 00:10:57,240 And a couple of guys I owed money to came looking for me. 150 00:10:57,240 --> 00:10:59,640 And they chopped this guy to death on the back of my boat. 151 00:10:59,640 --> 00:11:02,440 And I got to tell you, at the time, it didn't mean anything. 152 00:11:02,440 --> 00:11:04,540 That's the cost of doing business. 153 00:11:04,540 --> 00:11:08,140 And I tell you, since I've been sober, not a day goes by that I don't think about that kid. 154 00:11:08,140 --> 00:11:12,140 And the depths of the selfishness and self-centeredness that makes up the alcohol. 155 00:11:12,140 --> 00:11:13,440 And through this program, 156 00:11:13,440 --> 00:11:16,540 I've been able to sit across the kitchen table from his parents, 157 00:11:16,540 --> 00:11:18,540 who are both members of this fellowship, 158 00:11:18,540 --> 00:11:21,340 and give them the explanation that they needed, 159 00:11:21,340 --> 00:11:23,440 the explanation that they deserve. 160 00:11:23,440 --> 00:11:27,540 I'm not sure they forgave me, but I got to make peace with that situation. 161 00:11:27,540 --> 00:11:29,640 So my life's spinning out of control. 162 00:11:29,640 --> 00:11:30,440 I'm going to AA. 163 00:11:30,440 --> 00:11:31,240 I'm drinking a lot. 164 00:11:31,240 --> 00:11:33,640 I'm doing an illegal activity. 165 00:11:33,640 --> 00:11:38,440 And I'm a really bad accountant, which is not a good trait if you're in that kind of business. 166 00:11:38,440 --> 00:11:40,140 So I'm always owing somebody money. 167 00:11:40,140 --> 00:11:42,440 I'm always stealing from someone to pay for. 168 00:11:42,440 --> 00:11:43,340 People are looking for me. 169 00:11:43,340 --> 00:11:44,740 I go back to Las Vegas. 170 00:11:44,740 --> 00:11:46,440 My parents are not too happy to see me. 171 00:11:46,440 --> 00:11:47,940 They don't like the way my life turned out. 172 00:11:47,940 --> 00:11:49,640 They keep asking me, what's wrong with you? 173 00:11:49,640 --> 00:11:50,740 And I don't know. 174 00:11:50,740 --> 00:11:52,440 I don't know to say I'm powerless. 175 00:11:52,440 --> 00:11:53,540 I just make something up. 176 00:11:53,540 --> 00:11:55,640 They won't let me stay at their house if they're not there. 177 00:11:55,640 --> 00:11:58,040 So I end up at a place called Stairway One. 178 00:11:58,040 --> 00:11:59,940 And I'm going to meetings, nine meetings a day, 179 00:11:59,940 --> 00:12:01,940 because they won't let me in the house when they're not there. 180 00:12:01,940 --> 00:12:06,740 And I'm learning everything there is about this book and about the disease of alcoholism and the steps. 181 00:12:06,740 --> 00:12:08,540 Except I don't want to be sober. 182 00:12:08,540 --> 00:12:10,840 I want to be drunk more than I want to be sober. 183 00:12:10,840 --> 00:12:15,040 And when the heat's off, I'm drunk before the wheels of the plane leave the ground. 184 00:12:15,040 --> 00:12:18,540 My life is spinning out of control, and I don't know what to do. 185 00:12:18,540 --> 00:12:22,340 I go to these meetings, and what happens to me is when I try to quit drinking, 186 00:12:22,340 --> 00:12:26,940 and that's the optimum word, when I try to quit drinking, something happens to me. 187 00:12:26,940 --> 00:12:29,140 The worst in me rises to the very top. 188 00:12:29,140 --> 00:12:31,640 And if I don't do something about it, it's going to kill me. 189 00:12:31,640 --> 00:12:34,140 And I'm not going to be lucky enough to fall down dead. 190 00:12:34,140 --> 00:12:38,240 It's going to continue to erode anything inside of me that's any good. 191 00:12:38,240 --> 00:12:40,640 All these things you're talking about at these meetings. 192 00:12:40,640 --> 00:12:42,840 They're talking like a foreign language to me. 193 00:12:42,840 --> 00:12:46,940 Love, honesty, compassion, forgiveness, integrity, humility. 194 00:12:46,940 --> 00:12:50,140 And I don't know what those things are, but they don't sound like I want it. 195 00:12:50,140 --> 00:12:55,340 I can't stay undrunk long enough to get sober because I'm sitting in those chairs. 196 00:12:55,340 --> 00:12:56,840 I'm about ready to explode. 197 00:12:56,840 --> 00:13:00,140 What I found out later is I just was so afraid. 198 00:13:00,140 --> 00:13:00,840 I couldn't talk to you. 199 00:13:00,840 --> 00:13:03,740 I couldn't tell you what was wrong with me because I didn't know. 200 00:13:03,740 --> 00:13:08,040 I was so afraid that you were going to look right through me and feel as bad about me 201 00:13:08,040 --> 00:13:10,340 as I felt about myself, and that would kill me. 202 00:13:10,340 --> 00:13:14,140 I go back to my life in St. Thomas, hoping that next time it'll be different. 203 00:13:14,140 --> 00:13:19,940 You know, I don't tell a lot of stories, but I was thinking about this as I was asked, 204 00:13:19,940 --> 00:13:21,140 what are you going to talk about? 205 00:13:21,140 --> 00:13:23,440 And this story popped into my head. 206 00:13:23,440 --> 00:13:28,240 So I'm back in the States, and I can't go home because I previously begged my own death 207 00:13:28,240 --> 00:13:29,840 to get money from my parents. 208 00:13:29,840 --> 00:13:31,140 So I need a place to go. 209 00:13:31,140 --> 00:13:37,040 So I borrow a car from a car dealer, and I think I'm going to go to New Hampshire. 210 00:13:37,040 --> 00:13:38,140 I don't know why New Hampshire. 211 00:13:38,140 --> 00:13:38,940 I've never been. 212 00:13:38,940 --> 00:13:39,840 So I'm up in New Hampshire. 213 00:13:39,840 --> 00:13:40,640 And I'm still drinking. 214 00:13:40,640 --> 00:13:41,940 I'm wanted by the FBI. 215 00:13:41,940 --> 00:13:43,140 I'm wanted by the DEA. 216 00:13:43,140 --> 00:13:47,040 And I've got now, I've got the vendors looking for me. 217 00:13:47,040 --> 00:13:48,540 And I don't really see anything wrong. 218 00:13:48,540 --> 00:13:52,840 And I end up in this small town in New Hampshire, and I go to a bar. 219 00:13:52,840 --> 00:13:53,940 Well, where else would I go? 220 00:13:53,940 --> 00:13:54,940 Because I like bars. 221 00:13:54,940 --> 00:13:57,140 And I got a pocket full of cash, and I'm doing okay. 222 00:13:57,140 --> 00:14:03,860 And I meet this girl, and the wedding ring on her fingers probably should have been a warning sign. 223 00:14:03,860 --> 00:14:07,760 We end up going home, and it turns out that her husband is a sheriff in this small town. 224 00:14:07,760 --> 00:14:09,960 So I leave my car at the bar, and I go, 225 00:14:10,060 --> 00:14:14,960 I go home with her, which is, you know, probably wasn't the smartest idea, but, you know, that's who I am. 226 00:14:14,960 --> 00:14:16,060 And anyway, he comes home. 227 00:14:16,060 --> 00:14:17,660 And she goes, you need to get out of here. 228 00:14:17,660 --> 00:14:23,260 So I grab my clothes, and I jump out the window, and I'm kind of running down in the yard trying to get dressed. 229 00:14:23,260 --> 00:14:26,560 And I realize they don't have a car, but his car is in the driveway. 230 00:14:26,560 --> 00:14:27,760 And he was out there running. 231 00:14:27,760 --> 00:14:29,560 So it seemed like a really good idea. 232 00:14:29,560 --> 00:14:33,260 I'll just hop in his car, go to the bar, get in my car, and go. 233 00:14:33,260 --> 00:14:35,160 So anyway, so apparently he had a radio. 234 00:14:35,160 --> 00:14:36,760 So I'm driving down this street. 235 00:14:36,760 --> 00:14:39,860 And the other two police cars in this small town are parked. 236 00:14:40,060 --> 00:14:46,060 And I end up in this motel parking lot, and I'm doing donuts in this parking lot. 237 00:14:46,060 --> 00:14:47,660 And these guys are kind of out of their car. 238 00:14:47,660 --> 00:14:48,560 They're yelling at me. 239 00:14:48,560 --> 00:14:49,960 And they're saying, stop the car. 240 00:14:49,960 --> 00:14:54,360 And there's a big sign in the parking lot that says, no stopping in the parking area. 241 00:14:54,360 --> 00:14:57,960 So I roll down the window and go, hey, no stopping in the parking area. 242 00:14:57,960 --> 00:15:01,460 And they finally got me out of that car, and they throw me in the jail cell. 243 00:15:01,460 --> 00:15:05,060 Well, apparently, it was a small town, and it was election time. 244 00:15:05,060 --> 00:15:07,360 And the sheriff didn't really want to listen. 245 00:15:07,360 --> 00:15:09,660 So in the morning, they just said, we're going to let you go. 246 00:15:09,660 --> 00:15:12,660 But you've got X amount of hours to get to the Vermont border. 247 00:15:12,660 --> 00:15:13,360 And I think, OK. 248 00:15:13,360 --> 00:15:15,360 So I'm not looking pretty good. 249 00:15:15,360 --> 00:15:18,160 And one eye's closed, and my chair's hanging off. 250 00:15:18,160 --> 00:15:22,160 And so I get to the Vermont border, and I'm driving a stolen car. 251 00:15:22,160 --> 00:15:23,560 I've got no ID. 252 00:15:23,560 --> 00:15:26,060 I'm wanted by a couple of government agencies. 253 00:15:26,060 --> 00:15:27,760 And I'm flying through Vermont. 254 00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:29,860 And I get pulled over by a state troop. 255 00:15:29,860 --> 00:15:32,360 And he looks at me, and he goes, what the hell happened to you? 256 00:15:32,360 --> 00:15:33,760 So I told him the story. 257 00:15:33,760 --> 00:15:36,460 And he says, I don't like that guy. 258 00:15:36,460 --> 00:15:37,160 You can go. 259 00:15:37,160 --> 00:15:39,660 And once again, it dawned on me that I'm 260 00:15:39,660 --> 00:15:40,160 OK. 261 00:15:40,160 --> 00:15:43,960 There's nothing wrong with what I'm doing, because I'm not getting caught. 262 00:15:43,960 --> 00:15:46,960 And I can tell you, it was that time that I started getting caught. 263 00:15:46,960 --> 00:15:48,660 After that day, I started getting caught. 264 00:15:48,660 --> 00:15:50,760 And I had no idea that I was looking. 265 00:15:50,760 --> 00:15:53,060 I should have gotten to jail or prison a dozen times. 266 00:15:53,060 --> 00:15:53,960 But I didn't. 267 00:15:53,960 --> 00:15:57,160 So by the time I got to St. Thomas, I just can't live there anymore. 268 00:15:57,160 --> 00:15:59,860 I end up back in Las Vegas. 269 00:15:59,860 --> 00:16:02,360 And I can't call my parents, because they think I'm dead. 270 00:16:02,360 --> 00:16:03,360 I don't have any money. 271 00:16:03,360 --> 00:16:04,660 I've got no driver's license. 272 00:16:04,660 --> 00:16:05,660 I get a fake ID. 273 00:16:05,660 --> 00:16:06,560 I join the union. 274 00:16:06,560 --> 00:16:07,460 I'm making good money. 275 00:16:07,460 --> 00:16:09,360 And I can't afford the $99 home. 276 00:16:09,360 --> 00:16:10,860 I don't even want to have my living. 277 00:16:10,860 --> 00:16:13,560 And you can't tell me that my life has become unmanageable. 278 00:16:13,560 --> 00:16:14,560 I don't even know how. 279 00:16:14,560 --> 00:16:16,860 Which really means I don't even know how I live. 280 00:16:16,860 --> 00:16:18,360 I don't even know how I live. 281 00:16:18,360 --> 00:16:20,360 It looks good inside. 282 00:16:20,360 --> 00:16:21,360 I don't know. 283 00:16:21,360 --> 00:16:23,360 And I just don't know what to do about it. 284 00:16:23,360 --> 00:16:24,860 So I'm working with the union. 285 00:16:24,860 --> 00:16:27,360 And I don't know why, but that's where I live. 286 00:16:27,360 --> 00:16:28,360 I live in bars. 287 00:16:28,360 --> 00:16:29,360 And I'm drinking. 288 00:16:29,360 --> 00:16:31,360 And the strangest thing happened for me. 289 00:16:31,360 --> 00:16:32,360 I couldn't get up. 290 00:16:32,360 --> 00:16:33,360 I couldn't drink. 291 00:16:33,360 --> 00:16:34,360 I was drinking. 292 00:16:34,360 --> 00:16:37,360 And I remember, I don't try to jump down. 293 00:16:37,360 --> 00:16:39,360 Because I might look down and complain. 294 00:16:39,360 --> 00:16:40,360 Last time. 295 00:16:40,360 --> 00:16:41,360 The first time. 296 00:16:41,360 --> 00:16:42,860 I didn't like looking back. 297 00:16:42,860 --> 00:16:44,860 I knew that I was in trouble. 298 00:16:44,860 --> 00:16:48,860 Those things you guys have been saying and being about the fogs and mountains. 299 00:16:48,860 --> 00:16:49,860 They go in my head. 300 00:16:49,860 --> 00:16:51,360 And I knew that I needed them. 301 00:16:51,360 --> 00:16:54,860 And I said those words that I never thought I would say to myself. 302 00:16:54,860 --> 00:16:57,360 That I can't stop drinking and I need them. 303 00:16:57,360 --> 00:17:00,360 That's why in the 12 in 12, it doesn't say it in the big movie. 304 00:17:00,360 --> 00:17:02,360 In the 12 in 12, it asks just a question. 305 00:17:02,360 --> 00:17:04,360 Why every alcoholics has to hit bars. 306 00:17:04,360 --> 00:17:06,860 And I believe all of our bottoms are the same. 307 00:17:06,860 --> 00:17:08,360 It's not what we lose out here. 308 00:17:08,360 --> 00:17:09,360 It's what we lose. 309 00:17:09,360 --> 00:17:14,360 And we've all said it in some sort of form or fashion with those words. 310 00:17:14,360 --> 00:17:17,360 I can't stop drinking and I'm leaving. 311 00:17:17,360 --> 00:17:19,860 I go to a meeting about Alcoholics Anonymous the next day. 312 00:17:19,860 --> 00:17:23,860 And I walk in and I see all those people that I've been seeing all my time. 313 00:17:23,860 --> 00:17:25,360 And they did what they've always did. 314 00:17:25,360 --> 00:17:27,360 They sat me in the chair and gave me a half a cup of coffee. 315 00:17:27,360 --> 00:17:31,360 And I sat in that chair and I finally understood what that line in the big book meant. 316 00:17:31,360 --> 00:17:32,360 That we learned. 317 00:17:32,360 --> 00:17:33,360 We learned. 318 00:17:33,360 --> 00:17:34,360 I mean, the people that wrote that book. 319 00:17:34,360 --> 00:17:35,860 The people that came before us. 320 00:17:35,860 --> 00:17:36,860 We learned. 321 00:17:36,860 --> 00:17:38,360 We had to concede to our innermost self. 322 00:17:38,360 --> 00:17:39,360 That we were alcoholics. 323 00:17:39,360 --> 00:17:41,360 That was the first step up the hill. 324 00:17:41,360 --> 00:17:44,360 It flooded over me and I felt really good about myself. 325 00:17:44,360 --> 00:17:49,360 Now you would think, having this great revelation about myself, that I would sit there and wrap 326 00:17:49,360 --> 00:17:52,360 my arms around the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. 327 00:17:52,360 --> 00:17:53,360 But that's not my story. 328 00:17:53,360 --> 00:17:54,360 I said, okay. 329 00:17:54,360 --> 00:17:55,360 I get it. 330 00:17:55,360 --> 00:17:56,360 I'm never going to drink again. 331 00:17:56,360 --> 00:17:57,360 Let me get a sponsor. 332 00:17:57,360 --> 00:17:58,360 Because they told me I got to have one. 333 00:17:58,360 --> 00:17:59,360 So I get this guy. 334 00:17:59,360 --> 00:18:00,360 I have this guy, Keith. 335 00:18:00,360 --> 00:18:01,360 Meet my sponsor. 336 00:18:01,360 --> 00:18:02,360 I have no intention of calling him. 337 00:18:02,360 --> 00:18:03,360 I meet her. 338 00:18:03,360 --> 00:18:05,360 She puts me out of the room to Alcoholics Anonymous. 339 00:18:05,360 --> 00:18:06,360 Once again, no consequences. 340 00:18:06,360 --> 00:18:07,360 I'm looking good. 341 00:18:07,360 --> 00:18:08,360 I'm looking good out here. 342 00:18:08,360 --> 00:18:09,360 She buys me a car. 343 00:18:09,360 --> 00:18:10,360 She gives me a truck. 344 00:18:10,360 --> 00:18:11,360 She says, all you have to do is register it and get it insured. 345 00:18:11,360 --> 00:18:12,360 And I go, yes, honey. 346 00:18:12,360 --> 00:18:13,360 I'm worse sober than I ever am. 347 00:18:13,360 --> 00:18:14,360 I'm a fugitive from justice. 348 00:18:14,360 --> 00:18:15,360 I can't get a driver's license. 349 00:18:15,360 --> 00:18:16,360 I can't insure a car. 350 00:18:16,360 --> 00:18:17,360 She moves me in. 351 00:18:17,360 --> 00:18:18,360 Everything is great. 352 00:18:18,360 --> 00:18:19,360 Except she wants to talk. 353 00:18:19,360 --> 00:18:20,360 It's becoming a problem. 354 00:18:20,360 --> 00:18:21,360 I decided that I'm going to become a tree tree. 355 00:18:21,360 --> 00:18:22,360 I'm going to start this business. 356 00:18:22,360 --> 00:18:23,360 I'm going to build. 357 00:18:23,360 --> 00:18:24,360 I'm going to be a captain of an industry. 358 00:18:24,360 --> 00:18:25,360 And it's all these palm trees in Vegas. 359 00:18:25,360 --> 00:18:26,360 I'm just going to plant them. 360 00:18:26,360 --> 00:18:30,360 I'm going to cut palm trees. 361 00:18:30,360 --> 00:18:41,360 I'm going to be the palm tree cutting king of Vegas. 362 00:18:41,360 --> 00:18:44,360 The only problem is I'm scared of heights when I'm sober. 363 00:18:44,360 --> 00:18:50,360 The point I get, my sponsor corners me somewhere and he says, I want you to meet me at the 364 00:18:50,360 --> 00:18:51,360 Thai club tomorrow. 365 00:18:51,360 --> 00:18:52,360 We're going to do the third step. 366 00:18:52,360 --> 00:18:53,360 And we've done the first zone. 367 00:18:53,360 --> 00:18:54,360 Thai is over. 368 00:18:54,360 --> 00:18:55,360 My life has become unmanageable. 369 00:18:55,360 --> 00:18:56,360 There is no question. 370 00:18:56,360 --> 00:18:57,360 100% conceded to inner myself. 371 00:18:57,360 --> 00:18:58,360 I'm not going to drink anymore. 372 00:18:58,360 --> 00:18:59,360 I'm happy being miserable. 373 00:18:59,360 --> 00:19:00,360 Really, just leave me alone, Keith. 374 00:19:00,360 --> 00:19:01,360 And he explained the second step to me. 375 00:19:01,360 --> 00:19:02,360 He said, we're not crazy. 376 00:19:02,360 --> 00:19:03,360 We're not insane. 377 00:19:03,360 --> 00:19:04,360 Except when it comes to the idea that a drink will fix what I perceive to be wrong with 378 00:19:04,360 --> 00:19:05,360 me. 379 00:19:05,360 --> 00:19:06,360 But all the evidence point to the fact that it won't. 380 00:19:06,360 --> 00:19:07,360 I'll do it anyway. 381 00:19:07,360 --> 00:19:08,360 That's the insanity. 382 00:19:08,360 --> 00:19:09,360 And all I had to do was believe. 383 00:19:09,360 --> 00:19:10,360 I could believe in this plastic rat. 384 00:19:10,360 --> 00:19:11,360 It was greater than me. 385 00:19:11,360 --> 00:19:12,360 I needed to take it. 386 00:19:12,360 --> 00:19:13,360 I needed to take it. 387 00:19:13,360 --> 00:19:14,360 I needed to take it. 388 00:19:14,360 --> 00:19:15,360 I needed to take it. 389 00:19:15,360 --> 00:19:16,360 I needed something outside of me. 390 00:19:16,360 --> 00:19:18,900 I could, I just, just to calm me down. 391 00:19:18,900 --> 00:19:26,360 If I could look inside of me to find the solution to what's wrong, there's always been maybe 392 00:19:26,360 --> 00:19:38,360 it is the only ... solution to what was wrong with me. 393 00:19:38,360 --> 00:19:43,560 And that solution won't be such a problem when it doesn't ... I can't walk in and tell 394 00:19:43,560 --> 00:19:44,560 you that I kill myself with a problem. 395 00:19:44,560 --> 00:19:45,560 It doesn't work. 396 00:19:45,560 --> 00:19:50,460 He said, meet me at the Thai Club tomorrow and we're going to do the third step. 397 00:19:50,560 --> 00:19:52,540 I ran home and I protested with him. 398 00:19:52,720 --> 00:19:54,600 I'm going to be in the AA now. 399 00:19:54,680 --> 00:19:56,380 I got the book and I'm trying to find it. 400 00:19:56,440 --> 00:20:00,440 And I get a highlighter and I drive across the town in my unregistered, uninsured truck. 401 00:20:00,560 --> 00:20:02,880 And I get to the Thai Club early and I get that highlighter. 402 00:20:03,020 --> 00:20:05,400 And I just start highlighting the book in case he wants to see it. 403 00:20:05,520 --> 00:20:08,980 I get in the media and Keith explains the third step to me. 404 00:20:09,120 --> 00:20:10,560 I knew what my will was. 405 00:20:10,560 --> 00:20:13,460 I said, well, since you bought me a Ferrari, what's your life? 406 00:20:13,540 --> 00:20:15,540 I said, let's try this. 407 00:20:15,680 --> 00:20:19,600 Let's pretend that your will is your thinking and your life is your actions. 408 00:20:19,900 --> 00:20:26,080 And just for the rest of the day, can you turn your thinking and your actions over to the care of God as we understand? 409 00:20:26,200 --> 00:20:26,760 And I said, yeah. 410 00:20:26,860 --> 00:20:30,100 So we got on the floor and we did that third step prayer. 411 00:20:30,300 --> 00:20:32,360 I don't have it memorized, but I know the good stuff. 412 00:20:32,480 --> 00:20:32,840 And I did. 413 00:20:32,920 --> 00:20:35,380 I offered myself to God to build with me. 414 00:20:35,500 --> 00:20:37,500 I think I said build for me. 415 00:20:38,000 --> 00:20:38,980 Build with me. 416 00:20:39,160 --> 00:20:41,080 To relieve me of the body itself. 417 00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:42,640 To take away my difficulties. 418 00:20:43,020 --> 00:20:45,260 So victory over them would bear witness. 419 00:20:45,260 --> 00:20:46,260 To those I would help. 420 00:20:46,340 --> 00:20:48,460 So I had no intention of helping anybody. 421 00:20:48,640 --> 00:20:53,480 But by power and the love of that way of life, I really felt pretty good for about a minute. 422 00:20:53,600 --> 00:20:56,280 Because I can't change my thinking by reading a book. 423 00:20:56,340 --> 00:20:58,480 I can't change my thinking by my thinking. 424 00:20:58,580 --> 00:21:00,560 I got to change my thinking by my actions. 425 00:21:00,680 --> 00:21:02,840 And I hop in that truck and I head across town. 426 00:21:03,080 --> 00:21:07,160 And I'm coming up on 9th and I thought I'd be going out to the world. 427 00:21:07,460 --> 00:21:09,600 I did the third step prayer and I feel good. 428 00:21:09,600 --> 00:21:13,000 I end up in this good old sterile room and I don't like the looks of the people. 429 00:21:13,280 --> 00:21:14,320 So I decide to go home. 430 00:21:14,420 --> 00:21:15,080 And I say, get on. 431 00:21:15,080 --> 00:21:15,920 Decatur Boulevard. 432 00:21:16,060 --> 00:21:17,360 And I take a left on Washington. 433 00:21:17,680 --> 00:21:19,140 And the red and blue lights light up. 434 00:21:19,260 --> 00:21:20,820 All of a sudden, AA doesn't work. 435 00:21:20,900 --> 00:21:23,160 The next thing you know, I'm being extradited to the state of Texas. 436 00:21:23,240 --> 00:21:25,720 So I call my parents who are kind of surprised I'm here. 437 00:21:27,060 --> 00:21:27,940 Yeah, I'm sober. 438 00:21:28,060 --> 00:21:29,320 And locked up in Clark County. 439 00:21:29,860 --> 00:21:32,540 So they give me a divorce attorney for a criminal case. 440 00:21:32,940 --> 00:21:34,180 My dad just passed away. 441 00:21:34,280 --> 00:21:36,140 I think some of you remember when I was here before. 442 00:21:37,240 --> 00:21:39,560 I was thinking of going away here today. 443 00:21:39,980 --> 00:21:41,080 All the trouble I got. 444 00:21:41,280 --> 00:21:42,320 The trouble I picked up. 445 00:21:42,820 --> 00:21:44,580 My dad never gave up. 446 00:21:44,680 --> 00:21:45,000 And despite. 447 00:21:45,080 --> 00:21:46,540 All the things that I did. 448 00:21:46,700 --> 00:21:47,360 He never gave up. 449 00:21:47,660 --> 00:21:49,020 And the problems that it caused. 450 00:21:49,260 --> 00:21:49,720 And that's bad. 451 00:21:50,020 --> 00:21:52,020 It was my mom and my sister. 452 00:21:52,600 --> 00:21:53,940 And how beautiful it was. 453 00:21:54,060 --> 00:21:57,140 And I had to spend the last couple of years laying on the bed. 454 00:21:57,420 --> 00:21:58,640 And I began to know what it was. 455 00:21:58,740 --> 00:21:59,520 And what it was. 456 00:22:00,160 --> 00:22:01,860 And that we were not even. 457 00:22:02,180 --> 00:22:03,900 But I knew there was nothing left unsaid. 458 00:22:04,060 --> 00:22:05,140 That I was this side. 459 00:22:05,140 --> 00:22:07,960 I never thanked Alcoholics Anonymous for anything. 460 00:22:08,480 --> 00:22:10,080 Thank you for giving me a ride. 461 00:22:10,520 --> 00:22:12,700 By empowering me to stick around in here. 462 00:22:13,040 --> 00:22:13,940 You know, somewhere. 463 00:22:14,180 --> 00:22:14,740 Stay somewhere. 464 00:22:14,740 --> 00:22:16,300 You know, walk up the steps. 465 00:22:16,660 --> 00:22:17,540 And take out the truck. 466 00:22:17,640 --> 00:22:18,380 All that stuff. 467 00:22:18,560 --> 00:22:19,460 I mean, it was. 468 00:22:19,820 --> 00:22:21,020 It was me and you. 469 00:22:21,360 --> 00:22:23,380 Because Alcoholics Anonymous doesn't give me. 470 00:22:23,420 --> 00:22:24,280 It doesn't give me a 50. 471 00:22:24,460 --> 00:22:27,160 But it allows me to get rid of so much. 472 00:22:27,240 --> 00:22:29,300 And when I first got here, I didn't want to get rid of that. 473 00:22:29,440 --> 00:22:30,580 I was just happy to be invisible. 474 00:22:30,940 --> 00:22:31,880 I'm not going to drink anymore. 475 00:22:32,100 --> 00:22:34,260 Everyone's telling me that drinking is my problem. 476 00:22:34,560 --> 00:22:35,920 I wasn't thinking about my solution. 477 00:22:36,080 --> 00:22:38,020 When that solution stopped, I was in trouble. 478 00:22:38,200 --> 00:22:38,680 I didn't know. 479 00:22:38,820 --> 00:22:40,420 So I ended up in Dallas, Texas. 480 00:22:40,720 --> 00:22:43,340 And I had this little divorce attorney for a criminal case. 481 00:22:43,340 --> 00:22:44,540 And this gigantic DA. 482 00:22:44,540 --> 00:22:46,400 And there's this judge sitting up there. 483 00:22:46,500 --> 00:22:47,360 And he's got this folder. 484 00:22:47,480 --> 00:22:48,600 And he's going through this folder. 485 00:22:49,000 --> 00:22:53,280 And I'm trying to get my attorney's attention to tell him that there's a bit of a mistake. 486 00:22:53,400 --> 00:22:54,540 Because that's not me. 487 00:22:54,900 --> 00:22:56,320 I didn't get caught that much. 488 00:22:56,460 --> 00:23:01,420 And before I know it, that judge says, Mr. Martin, do you have anything to say for yourself? 489 00:23:01,580 --> 00:23:04,500 And I said, I'm sorry for not showing up in 1984. 490 00:23:04,880 --> 00:23:06,120 That's all I can think to say. 491 00:23:06,280 --> 00:23:11,300 And I've got to tell you, when I look back at it now, as shocking as it was at the time, 492 00:23:11,300 --> 00:23:14,440 I look back at it as if God had to just show up. 493 00:23:14,540 --> 00:23:16,600 I remember Keith saying, take God in the courtroom. 494 00:23:16,780 --> 00:23:20,380 And that folder that he was looking at was not my criminal history. 495 00:23:20,520 --> 00:23:26,020 It was letters from people in Alcoholics Anonymous saying how I might turn out if I stuck around. 496 00:23:26,320 --> 00:23:30,020 And you've got to remember, these are people that knew me for 10 years coming in and out. 497 00:23:30,100 --> 00:23:30,620 Saw me. 498 00:23:30,980 --> 00:23:33,420 Badly, I acted in rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. 499 00:23:33,580 --> 00:23:36,040 Listened to the garbage coming out of my mouth. 500 00:23:36,240 --> 00:23:38,840 Watched me blowing up my life from the inside out. 501 00:23:39,000 --> 00:23:42,340 And just had to be spectators because I wouldn't listen to them. 502 00:23:42,340 --> 00:23:44,140 And yet, because they'd been sober. 503 00:23:44,140 --> 00:23:49,020 And stayed sober and helped other alcoholics, they knew the miracle of this program might 504 00:23:49,020 --> 00:23:51,200 work for me if I wanted it. 505 00:23:51,200 --> 00:23:54,820 And that's why I go to meetings and I do this and I talk to newcomers. 506 00:23:54,820 --> 00:23:58,820 Because I've seen it work in other people and I've felt it work in me. 507 00:23:58,820 --> 00:24:01,980 That maybe somebody will come up to me and just say, hey, can you help me? 508 00:24:01,980 --> 00:24:05,720 So the judge says, Mr. Martin, I'm going to do something I haven't done on the bench in 509 00:24:05,720 --> 00:24:06,720 22 years. 510 00:24:06,720 --> 00:24:07,720 I'm going to give you a second chance. 511 00:24:07,720 --> 00:24:12,380 I mean, there's a lot of things that happen with those agencies, but at the end of the 512 00:24:12,380 --> 00:24:13,380 day. 513 00:24:13,380 --> 00:24:18,840 People at Alcoholics Anonymous, I wouldn't rap, I wouldn't talk to anybody. 514 00:24:18,840 --> 00:24:20,260 And then I got to go back to Las Vegas. 515 00:24:20,260 --> 00:24:25,140 Now you would think, catching this break, facing 25 years in prison, that I would wrap 516 00:24:25,140 --> 00:24:27,880 myself around the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. 517 00:24:27,880 --> 00:24:28,880 That's not my story. 518 00:24:28,880 --> 00:24:29,880 I caught a break. 519 00:24:29,880 --> 00:24:33,140 And the worst thing you can give to an alcoholic of my type is a break. 520 00:24:33,140 --> 00:24:35,380 So I go back to Las Vegas. 521 00:24:35,380 --> 00:24:37,720 I'm now a big shot in their union. 522 00:24:37,720 --> 00:24:38,720 I meet another her. 523 00:24:38,720 --> 00:24:39,720 Everything's fine. 524 00:24:39,720 --> 00:24:40,720 Well, she wants to talk. 525 00:24:40,720 --> 00:24:41,720 Because what I don't understand. 526 00:24:41,720 --> 00:24:42,720 And I don't know. 527 00:24:42,720 --> 00:24:43,980 I don't understand. 528 00:24:43,980 --> 00:24:47,840 And you're explaining it to me, to me as an Alcoholics Anonymous, that I'm sober or alcohol 529 00:24:47,840 --> 00:24:52,340 free, but every area of my life I'm entering into is my character defect. 530 00:24:52,340 --> 00:24:54,960 And though I don't drink anymore, I am not changing. 531 00:24:54,960 --> 00:24:58,480 In fact, everything inside of me now is more magnified. 532 00:24:58,480 --> 00:25:00,720 Instead of, and I just don't know what to do about it. 533 00:25:00,720 --> 00:25:05,480 And I find out later in life, later, just because of good sponsorship, that I held on 534 00:25:05,480 --> 00:25:07,720 to all that stuff, because that's all I knew. 535 00:25:07,720 --> 00:25:11,180 Because it would keep you away, because I was so afraid that you would see right through 536 00:25:11,180 --> 00:25:12,180 me. 537 00:25:12,180 --> 00:25:14,640 Because you were as bad about me as I thought about myself. 538 00:25:14,640 --> 00:25:15,640 And that would kill me. 539 00:25:15,640 --> 00:25:16,640 Finally, she's had enough. 540 00:25:16,640 --> 00:25:17,640 I'm living on the man-eating couch. 541 00:25:17,640 --> 00:25:18,640 We have a dog. 542 00:25:18,640 --> 00:25:19,640 We have a fish tank. 543 00:25:19,640 --> 00:25:20,640 She decided to leave. 544 00:25:20,640 --> 00:25:21,640 The fish are trying to get out. 545 00:25:21,640 --> 00:25:22,640 I am going crazy. 546 00:25:22,640 --> 00:25:23,640 I'm so dry. 547 00:25:23,640 --> 00:25:24,640 I'm a firehose. 548 00:25:24,640 --> 00:25:25,640 People talk about that being untreated with alcoholism. 549 00:25:25,640 --> 00:25:26,640 I don't know if it is, but I don't want to drink. 550 00:25:26,640 --> 00:25:27,640 I don't want to die. 551 00:25:27,640 --> 00:25:28,640 And I'm just stuck in that part of the book that I'm sitting there facing the gates of 552 00:25:28,640 --> 00:25:29,640 insanity. 553 00:25:29,640 --> 00:25:30,640 I don't want to drink. 554 00:25:30,640 --> 00:25:31,640 I don't want to die. 555 00:25:31,640 --> 00:25:38,470 I don't want to drink and I don't want to die. 556 00:25:38,470 --> 00:25:43,150 And I'm just stuck in that part of the book that I'm sitting there facing the gates of 557 00:25:43,150 --> 00:25:44,150 insanity or death. 558 00:25:44,150 --> 00:25:47,590 And these are ones that I've got a better choice than the one I'm sitting in. 559 00:25:47,590 --> 00:25:48,590 And I go back to Alcoholics Anonymous. 560 00:25:48,590 --> 00:25:49,590 I've been doing the meeting point so long. 561 00:25:49,590 --> 00:25:50,590 And when I go back, then I just kind of threw my hands up. 562 00:25:50,590 --> 00:25:51,590 And I surrender. 563 00:25:51,590 --> 00:25:52,590 What is that called? 564 00:25:52,590 --> 00:25:53,610 And I started to accept the program of Alcoholics Anonymous as outlined in the book. 565 00:25:53,610 --> 00:25:56,290 I started to accept the program of Alcoholics Anonymous as outlined in the book. 566 00:25:56,290 --> 00:25:57,290 And I started to accept it. 567 00:25:57,290 --> 00:25:58,290 I started to accept the book. 568 00:25:58,290 --> 00:25:59,290 And I started to accept it. 569 00:25:59,290 --> 00:26:05,150 part of Alcoholics Anonymous is outlined in our book as a way of life. People started to explain 570 00:26:05,150 --> 00:26:11,190 the book to me. And I know we read how it works all the time. And I think if you read how it 571 00:26:11,190 --> 00:26:16,110 works, that's not how it works. Honesty, open-mindedness, willingness, it works. And I 572 00:26:16,110 --> 00:26:22,850 had none of those. I was willing to not drink and go crazy because of this fear. My whole story, 573 00:26:22,850 --> 00:26:28,550 my whole life in Alcoholics Anonymous is simply this. When the pain of not believing in you 574 00:26:28,550 --> 00:26:33,190 outweighed the fear of doing what you were telling me to do, I would do something about it. 575 00:26:33,290 --> 00:26:38,750 And I spent 10 years in Alcoholics Anonymous like that. And I had, if you're new, do not do that. 576 00:26:38,850 --> 00:26:43,850 Because I caused more damage to my parents sober than I probably ever did when I was drinking. 577 00:26:44,030 --> 00:26:48,090 Because I gave them hope. And then I would blow up in their face. And I would still take money 578 00:26:48,090 --> 00:26:54,250 from them. And I didn't understand why I was doing it. And thank God for sponsorship. And a 579 00:26:54,250 --> 00:26:58,170 couple of guys just sat down with me. And I got busy in the barn while I was alone. And I 580 00:26:58,170 --> 00:26:58,530 had a lot of fun. And I had a lot of fun. And I had a lot of fun. And I had a lot of fun. 581 00:26:58,530 --> 00:27:05,750 And I mean, there's been so much that has happened since to me. And I think what probably 582 00:27:05,750 --> 00:27:10,750 the, when I look back at it, God has really taken good care of it. A lot of times I thought it was 583 00:27:10,750 --> 00:27:15,390 something that I was doing. And it wasn't. It was just that he looked at me. He looked after me. 584 00:27:15,530 --> 00:27:20,930 And I remember this old timer. And I was in a meeting one day. And I pronounced that I don't 585 00:27:20,930 --> 00:27:24,550 believe in God. And he said, son, it doesn't matter. He believes in you. It doesn't matter 586 00:27:24,550 --> 00:27:28,510 if you're new or if you're one of those people that's on the fence about God. It doesn't matter. 587 00:27:28,510 --> 00:27:33,050 It doesn't matter that you don't believe. Because I believe he believes in you. And I believe that 588 00:27:33,050 --> 00:27:38,510 if you can just stick around Alcoholics Anonymous long enough that God will find you. And how it 589 00:27:38,510 --> 00:27:43,430 works is that God couldn't win if you were sought. I think sometimes that seeking just come into 590 00:27:43,430 --> 00:27:48,030 enough meaning. You're just sitting in this chair long enough for the light to go on and say, hey, 591 00:27:48,090 --> 00:27:52,490 maybe I want to display the light to you. And I'll end with a couple of stories. But I think it was 592 00:27:52,490 --> 00:27:57,590 right after the Hurricane Katrina hit. I was working. I got a call. It was like 12 hours 593 00:27:57,590 --> 00:27:58,490 after that. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. 594 00:27:58,510 --> 00:28:02,430 I got a call from this guy. And he says, hey, Dave, I need your help. Can you come down and do some 595 00:28:02,430 --> 00:28:08,190 search and rescue? And I said, sure. So I got on a plane to a military base. And they put me on a 596 00:28:08,190 --> 00:28:13,210 helicopter. And I went to New Orleans. And it was terrible. And we're doing a search and rescue. And 597 00:28:13,210 --> 00:28:19,050 people were screaming for help. And it's just good. I spent days awake just trying to begin 598 00:28:19,050 --> 00:28:23,850 the devastation of the storm. And then the water kind of receded a little bit. And I was looking 599 00:28:23,850 --> 00:28:28,050 for an AA meeting. And there was a sign on the door that said AA that way. I went down to the 600 00:28:28,050 --> 00:28:33,630 beach. There was a bunch of guys standing around a trash can. And there was this big fire going 601 00:28:33,630 --> 00:28:39,610 because there was mosquito clouds. I mean, if you didn't, they would just eat you alive. So I go down 602 00:28:39,610 --> 00:28:44,910 there and I have a meeting. And I'm looking at this guy. And he's kind of sitting on the left 603 00:28:44,910 --> 00:28:50,110 of his house. And I went over and talked to him. And he's looking at this notice. And it was from 604 00:28:50,110 --> 00:28:54,490 FEMA. And he says, you got to get out of here. Your house is condemned. And he said, I can't go. 605 00:28:54,490 --> 00:28:57,890 My wife is missing. I got to be here when she comes back. And I said, look, 606 00:28:58,050 --> 00:29:03,790 I don't want you. If you leave, I promise you I'll find your wife. I promise you I'll find your 607 00:29:03,790 --> 00:29:08,650 wife. You promise. And he gave me a picture of her. And she struggled. She was wearing this 608 00:29:08,650 --> 00:29:13,770 locket. And so he moved. And every day after work, I would drive another 120 miles to where 609 00:29:13,770 --> 00:29:17,490 they were taking all the bodies. And I would go through these. And they were sometimes in 610 00:29:17,490 --> 00:29:22,670 warehouses and sometimes refrigerated containers. And I kept doing this. And I'm calling my sponsor 611 00:29:22,670 --> 00:29:27,390 every day. And I said, I don't know what to tell this guy. I promised him I'd find his wife. I can't 612 00:29:27,390 --> 00:29:28,030 do this anymore. 613 00:29:28,050 --> 00:29:33,830 I can't do this anymore. And I'm clamoring. I'm just clamoring these bodies. And he said, 614 00:29:34,030 --> 00:29:38,590 well, why don't you invite God to go with you? I've never told him this story. I haven't told 615 00:29:38,590 --> 00:29:41,890 him today. And he said, why don't you ask God to go with you? So I made this decision. I said, 616 00:29:41,930 --> 00:29:46,370 if I can't find this guy's wife tonight, I'm going to have to go tell him I just can't do this 617 00:29:46,370 --> 00:29:50,750 anymore. It was killing me. Well, I go to this place where they're doing all the trailers. I 618 00:29:50,750 --> 00:29:54,810 walk around. I've got a checklist. And I'm going on each one of these trailers I had been on 619 00:29:54,810 --> 00:29:58,030 before. And I'm sitting there. And I'm just saying, God, tell me what to do. Tell me, 620 00:29:58,050 --> 00:30:02,490 what to do. And in the corner, I just see the part of the trailer. And on that trailer 621 00:30:02,490 --> 00:30:09,310 was four numbers, 1696, which is my sobriety. And I was in that trailer. And I had my flashlight. 622 00:30:09,530 --> 00:30:14,090 And I'm following over unfortunate courses. Just as I was getting ready to leave, I turned 623 00:30:14,090 --> 00:30:17,790 my flashlight. I had to sign up. And I put the picture out of my pocket. And there was 624 00:30:17,790 --> 00:30:22,710 that ladies medallion. And I drove back. And I saw that guy. And then other ravens. He 625 00:30:22,710 --> 00:30:27,630 got to bury his wife. And the reason I tell you that, why I was thinking about it today, 626 00:30:28,050 --> 00:30:33,790 I sometimes forget how wonderful God is when I ask him what to do. I mean, so for coming 627 00:30:33,790 --> 00:30:38,830 up on 23 years, I've sometimes forgotten about that in the last few months, I think, especially 628 00:30:38,830 --> 00:30:43,210 since my dad died. I'm really getting busy. And I've done the steps. And I've sponsored 629 00:30:43,210 --> 00:30:49,130 people. And I speak. And really, I don't do any of that. The moment I say I, there is 630 00:30:49,130 --> 00:30:53,210 no humility. The moment I say I, there is no God. And I was just thinking about that 631 00:30:53,210 --> 00:30:57,930 when I was driving around a day that I just, all my life, I've quit right before the 632 00:30:57,930 --> 00:31:02,370 miracle. All my life, I quit right before the miracle. Except in Alcoholics Anonymous. 633 00:31:02,370 --> 00:31:08,410 I stayed. And every fiber of my body stayed. I stayed. I didn't keep coming back. I just 634 00:31:08,410 --> 00:31:09,310 stayed. Thank you, Randall.