1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:27,100 I was taught that that's what you say. And today I really mean it. I want to thank the girls for coming with me. It's always fun to ride with them. You know, they're all fairly new and kind of crazy. And, you know, they just keep me entertained. 2 00:00:27,100 --> 00:00:54,920 And so I have a sobriety date, which is August 9th, 1996. I have a home group, and that's the Belfer Medical Group, and I have a sponsor. And, you know, those three things are really important to me, and they're important to my sobriety. If I didn't have a sobriety date, or didn't keep track of it, I wouldn't be sober, or it would just be another day for me. And that's the most important day for me, you know, in my life. It's the day I got sober, because it really just helped me find a different way to live. 3 00:00:54,920 --> 00:01:24,380 And if I didn't have a home group, I wouldn't have a group of people that have taught me how to behave in Alcoholics Anonymous. You know, my home group is a very active home group. And, you know, they really just have taught me how to live in Alcoholics Anonymous. You know, how to get a commitment and keep a commitment. And if I can't show up, I call somebody to let them know or ask them to cover it. You know, how to sit through the meeting without chit-chatting and being disruptive to my neighbor who may need to hear a message to save their lives. You know, to get up and get coffee during the evening. 4 00:01:24,920 --> 00:01:52,620 You know, to wear a dress or a skirt if I come to share. You know, because it talks about, people say, well, it doesn't say that in the big book. You know, you have to dress up. And it talks about, you know, Bill, he says that when Evie came to visit him, his whole department shouted of a man with a real answer. And that means everything about him, the way he looked on the outside and the way he was on the inside. And so, yes, absolutely. We have to wear sobriety. And so my home group has taught me that. 5 00:01:52,620 --> 00:02:21,520 They've taught me how to show up for one another. You know, going to support people if they have a watch, you know, when they're going to turn one. And if there's a birthday party, a potluck, you know, quarterly we have potlucks. And, you know, it's on a Sunday, you know, at 12 o'clock. And I don't want to show up at 4 o'clock on a Sunday to, you know, celebrate birthdays from, you know, 1 to 5. I don't want to do that. But they have taught me to show up. You know, we have a quarterly breakfast that we have an out-of-town speaker that comes in. 6 00:02:21,520 --> 00:02:22,600 And I don't want to show up to that. 7 00:02:22,620 --> 00:02:51,300 And, you know, if somebody is going to speak, we go and support them. I don't want to do that either. You know, and I never wanted to do anything for anybody except myself. But I didn't know as a newcomer that those things were going to help me to stay sober, that they were going to change my life. And in my home group, we just say, just come. Let's go. Show up. Get in the car. Be quiet. And that's kind of what I do with people. You know, it's just like, come on, let's go. I don't feel like going. Neither do I. Let's go. You know, I don't want to do anything either. We're in the same boat, but we just show up. 8 00:02:51,300 --> 00:03:13,100 And so my home group has taught me that. And I got a sponsor. And when I was newly sober, I went through a recovery home. And they told me, you have to get a sponsor. And I got a sponsor in May, hopefully. I didn't utilize the sponsor. The sponsor would call me and say, hey, I'm going to meetings. I want to come and read the big book with you. And I just, I wasn't interested. I just, I knew I had to have a sponsor to be in that recovery home. That was it. 9 00:03:13,100 --> 00:03:20,680 And, you know, when I was seven months sober, my life, it came to a point where I was going to bars and seeing my old friends. 10 00:03:21,300 --> 00:03:46,860 And I just wasn't happy. I mean, I knew something wasn't working, but I didn't know what it was. And it was a point in my sobriety where I made, I had to make a decision. And I didn't know I was making a decision. I had no idea. But I started coming to AA and working with my sponsor. And so for me, that was really important. And so what happened is, you know, I started utilizing the sponsor. And I called the sponsor. We started going through the steps. 11 00:03:46,860 --> 00:04:07,120 And I got to a point where I believed what my sponsor would tell me and that I had to be honest when I called her. And, you know, I had to share with her my life. And I heard some people say, well, you know, my sponsor just helps me with my sobriety. My sponsors have always helped me with everything in my life, with my finances, with romance, with school, everything. 12 00:04:07,120 --> 00:04:35,180 Because, you know, everything that I do, I never make any good decisions about anything. And so my sponsors have to help me. And my current sponsor knows everything about me. You know, I have one sponsor, she would say, you know, her sponsor knows everything about her warts and all. And, you know, that's what I feel about my sponsor, warts and all, the good, the bad, and the ugly, you know. And so I've had that gift from early on to be honest with the sponsor. Not always immediately, but eventually, you know, I've always had that. 13 00:04:35,180 --> 00:04:36,820 And so, you know, my sponsors, 14 00:04:37,120 --> 00:04:39,620 have really played a key role in my sobriety. 15 00:04:40,020 --> 00:04:41,740 And, you know, I've been really fortunate. 16 00:04:42,960 --> 00:04:45,080 So I just have to share in a general way 17 00:04:45,080 --> 00:04:47,380 what I used to provide, what happened, and what I'm like today. 18 00:04:48,060 --> 00:04:49,420 You know, I grew up in a household. 19 00:04:49,560 --> 00:04:51,460 My dad was a heroin addict, and my mom was, 20 00:04:51,760 --> 00:04:53,420 she was a drunk like me. And I can't call her 21 00:04:53,420 --> 00:04:55,240 an alcoholic, because she doesn't say she's an alcoholic. 22 00:04:55,400 --> 00:04:56,660 But she drank a lot like I drank. 23 00:04:56,780 --> 00:04:59,060 And I think my mom set me up to be 24 00:04:59,060 --> 00:05:01,080 a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. 25 00:05:01,360 --> 00:05:02,680 And I say that because 26 00:05:03,860 --> 00:05:05,460 when she was pregnant with me, 27 00:05:05,580 --> 00:05:06,660 she went to jail with me. 28 00:05:06,660 --> 00:05:09,760 And so she just set me up to be a convict, is what she did. 29 00:05:10,820 --> 00:05:13,760 What happened was, you know, my dad was a, he was a salesman. 30 00:05:13,760 --> 00:05:14,820 He sold some heroin. 31 00:05:15,120 --> 00:05:18,800 And he was a recreational hero, recreational hero, you know. 32 00:05:19,360 --> 00:05:20,460 And so he sold heroin. 33 00:05:20,460 --> 00:05:22,460 So they, so she went to jail. 34 00:05:22,460 --> 00:05:26,260 And so I didn't really know my dad until I was about five years old. 35 00:05:26,260 --> 00:05:28,200 We'd go visit him, but I don't really know him. 36 00:05:28,200 --> 00:05:32,160 And so, you know, when he got out of jail, I had a resentment towards him. 37 00:05:32,160 --> 00:05:33,860 You're not going to come home and tell me what to do. 38 00:05:33,860 --> 00:05:34,800 I don't even know you. 39 00:05:34,800 --> 00:05:38,900 And I was used to, you know, having my mom and my sister and me. 40 00:05:38,900 --> 00:05:41,900 And so when he comes into the picture, I was just resentful at him. 41 00:05:41,900 --> 00:05:45,200 And him and I never had a really good relationship. 42 00:05:45,200 --> 00:05:48,060 But, you know, I was okay with that. 43 00:05:48,200 --> 00:05:51,360 And so I was resentful at him. 44 00:05:51,360 --> 00:05:56,160 And I remember we moved to Long Beach and I went to school. 45 00:05:56,160 --> 00:05:57,240 I remember going to school. 46 00:05:57,240 --> 00:06:00,660 And I remember the first day of school, I knew I didn't fit in with those kids. 47 00:06:01,340 --> 00:06:04,700 You know, they kind of seemed to know how to interact with one another. 48 00:06:04,800 --> 00:06:07,000 They had the handbook, the rule book of life. 49 00:06:07,360 --> 00:06:08,260 I never got it. 50 00:06:09,000 --> 00:06:11,760 And I think because, you know, I come from a big family. 51 00:06:11,900 --> 00:06:13,120 There's like a home and some cousins. 52 00:06:13,340 --> 00:06:14,860 So maybe they got it, but I didn't get it. 53 00:06:14,920 --> 00:06:15,720 I missed out that day. 54 00:06:16,160 --> 00:06:18,360 You know, my dad had 16 brothers and sisters. 55 00:06:18,560 --> 00:06:19,900 So there was 17 of them. 56 00:06:20,240 --> 00:06:22,360 And, you know, it's just a big family. 57 00:06:22,480 --> 00:06:23,620 I love that side of the family. 58 00:06:23,960 --> 00:06:25,020 My dad's Mexican. 59 00:06:25,160 --> 00:06:25,800 My mom's German. 60 00:06:25,960 --> 00:06:26,920 So I'm a wiener schnitzel. 61 00:06:30,000 --> 00:06:32,520 So, you know, I was never Mexican. 62 00:06:33,660 --> 00:06:34,780 I love my dad's side. 63 00:06:34,900 --> 00:06:36,260 You know, I'm sure. 64 00:06:36,440 --> 00:06:40,440 I don't know today because my uncle just passed away, but I'm sure they're partying. 65 00:06:40,560 --> 00:06:42,040 Yeah, they're partying for sure. 66 00:06:42,540 --> 00:06:43,860 So they're drinking today. 67 00:06:44,020 --> 00:06:46,040 You know, they have a party for everything. 68 00:06:46,600 --> 00:06:50,960 You know, if somebody is going to go to jail, they're going to drink before they go. 69 00:06:51,080 --> 00:06:53,540 If somebody's getting out of jail, they're going to drink when they get out. 70 00:06:53,980 --> 00:06:55,000 Somebody's going to have a baby. 71 00:06:55,680 --> 00:06:58,400 You know, whatever it is, there's always an occasion for the party. 72 00:06:58,600 --> 00:06:59,000 Always. 73 00:06:59,380 --> 00:07:00,340 And I love that. 74 00:07:00,440 --> 00:07:01,280 I love the excitement. 75 00:07:01,660 --> 00:07:04,140 You know, I love the way, you know, when the party starts. 76 00:07:04,340 --> 00:07:04,760 You know, I normally. 77 00:07:04,840 --> 00:07:05,820 So it's probably a two. 78 00:07:05,960 --> 00:07:07,500 Nobody shows up till about five. 79 00:07:07,660 --> 00:07:08,460 That's what we are. 80 00:07:08,560 --> 00:07:09,480 We're on Mexican time. 81 00:07:09,900 --> 00:07:11,740 And, you know, they show up late. 82 00:07:11,860 --> 00:07:16,200 But everybody that comes in, they have a case of beer or a bottle of something. 83 00:07:16,780 --> 00:07:20,560 You know, there's food and there's music and the music's kind of low. 84 00:07:20,560 --> 00:07:24,580 And, you know, people are eating and then the drinking starts and then the music gets louder. 85 00:07:25,100 --> 00:07:31,300 And, you know, it's just more drinking and then there's fighting and then there's crying and then there's more food. 86 00:07:31,800 --> 00:07:34,640 And I love the whole dramatics around it. 87 00:07:34,760 --> 00:07:36,860 I like to watch it. 88 00:07:36,900 --> 00:07:37,840 I don't like to be in the middle. 89 00:07:37,940 --> 00:07:38,920 I just like to watch it. 90 00:07:39,040 --> 00:07:41,080 And that's kind of the way I am in Alcoholics Anonymous. 91 00:07:41,420 --> 00:07:46,160 You know, I come to AA and I'm a part of, but I'm not too much of a part of. 92 00:07:46,360 --> 00:07:47,240 I kind of watch people. 93 00:07:47,360 --> 00:07:48,560 I still, I'm a people watcher. 94 00:07:48,640 --> 00:07:49,380 I watch your action. 95 00:07:49,380 --> 00:07:52,400 I hear what you say, but I watch what you do more than anything. 96 00:07:52,920 --> 00:07:56,040 And so, you know, that's the way I grew up. 97 00:07:56,220 --> 00:07:58,660 And, you know, there's all these kids running around. 98 00:07:59,040 --> 00:08:02,520 And, you know, they don't bring us really anything to drink because everybody's drinking beer. 99 00:08:02,680 --> 00:08:03,820 And so we're drinking water. 100 00:08:03,820 --> 00:08:04,880 We're going to the yard. 101 00:08:05,500 --> 00:08:06,440 You know, playing a little. 102 00:08:07,140 --> 00:08:08,500 You know, just running in the neighborhood. 103 00:08:09,140 --> 00:08:11,220 And, you know, I just, I like that. 104 00:08:11,380 --> 00:08:14,120 I like the way, you know, that side of the family was. 105 00:08:14,280 --> 00:08:16,360 You know, my mom's side of the family was my grandmother. 106 00:08:16,760 --> 00:08:19,360 And my mom had some siblings, but just two. 107 00:08:19,580 --> 00:08:21,380 And, you know, not really any kids. 108 00:08:21,380 --> 00:08:23,760 And so, you know, my grandmother, I'd stay with her. 109 00:08:23,840 --> 00:08:24,380 And she liked to play Yahtzee. 110 00:08:25,240 --> 00:08:26,640 And I hate Yahtzee. 111 00:08:26,740 --> 00:08:27,720 And she would make cornbread. 112 00:08:27,800 --> 00:08:28,540 And I hate cornbread. 113 00:08:29,740 --> 00:08:31,380 So I hated being on that side. 114 00:08:32,060 --> 00:08:33,800 And so, you know, that's the way I grew up. 115 00:08:33,880 --> 00:08:37,880 And I grew up, you know, my family, there were a lot of gang members. 116 00:08:38,460 --> 00:08:41,200 Just a couple weeks ago, they were at my grandmother's house. 117 00:08:41,480 --> 00:08:44,560 And, you know, just gang violence and stuff like that. 118 00:08:44,920 --> 00:08:47,080 And I was never really a part of that. 119 00:08:47,800 --> 00:08:51,340 You know, that's basically where my grandmother lived. 120 00:08:52,440 --> 00:08:54,120 I wasn't really a part of all that. 121 00:08:54,320 --> 00:08:57,980 But, you know, I felt, like, proud of my family gang members. 122 00:08:58,280 --> 00:08:59,840 And I just thought, oh, that's pretty cool. 123 00:08:59,920 --> 00:09:00,920 You know, they respect it. 124 00:09:01,040 --> 00:09:01,980 I don't think like that today. 125 00:09:02,120 --> 00:09:03,280 But that's the way I felt then. 126 00:09:03,280 --> 00:09:06,700 And so, you know, I grew up with all that violence and stuff like that. 127 00:09:07,060 --> 00:09:09,600 And, you know, I just thought that everybody kind of lived like that. 128 00:09:09,900 --> 00:09:12,300 And, you know, I go to school and these kids aren't living like that. 129 00:09:12,420 --> 00:09:13,960 And so, you know, I just kind of shut down. 130 00:09:14,240 --> 00:09:15,940 And I don't share with them what's going on. 131 00:09:15,980 --> 00:09:17,820 And I don't know how to interact with them. 132 00:09:18,400 --> 00:09:21,480 And so by the time I'm eight years old, my mom's sending me to counseling. 133 00:09:21,720 --> 00:09:22,800 And there's something wrong with me. 134 00:09:23,260 --> 00:09:25,320 I've, you know, pissed off all the time. 135 00:09:25,480 --> 00:09:27,460 You know, it's just always just uneasy. 136 00:09:27,840 --> 00:09:32,720 And, you know, when you grow up in a big family, you know, there's just a lot of things that happen in that family. 137 00:09:32,720 --> 00:09:33,220 Yeah. 138 00:09:33,220 --> 00:09:35,260 You know, psychologically and stuff like that. 139 00:09:35,400 --> 00:09:36,420 And so I was just really upset. 140 00:09:36,740 --> 00:09:38,700 And I couldn't say what was going on. 141 00:09:39,320 --> 00:09:41,080 You know, my dad's still dealing drugs. 142 00:09:41,340 --> 00:09:45,380 And, you know, my mom's a little white lady and just really nice and, you know, codependent. 143 00:09:45,680 --> 00:09:47,200 And, you know, she's sending me to counseling. 144 00:09:47,420 --> 00:09:49,640 And my dad's saying, you don't tell our business to anybody. 145 00:09:49,940 --> 00:09:52,740 And so, you know, there's a conflict going on within me. 146 00:09:52,800 --> 00:09:56,300 It's like, do I stay loyal to my dad or do I tell them what's going on? 147 00:09:56,340 --> 00:09:58,400 And I'm getting loyal, so I'm not going to say anything. 148 00:09:58,400 --> 00:09:59,360 And I just get upset. 149 00:09:59,580 --> 00:10:00,700 And that's just the way I am. 150 00:10:00,700 --> 00:10:02,900 And so I needed a drink really early on. 151 00:10:03,220 --> 00:10:10,960 And I can remember my parents, they had this Jim Beam bottle, right? 152 00:10:11,080 --> 00:10:11,920 And it was empty. 153 00:10:12,280 --> 00:10:15,980 But I remember it was on this little stand and you can tilt it over. 154 00:10:16,100 --> 00:10:19,720 And I remember, like, very early, I was maybe eight, nine years old. 155 00:10:20,000 --> 00:10:23,480 I would turn it around and I can get a little bit of alcohol out of it. 156 00:10:23,580 --> 00:10:25,640 And I remember I loved that taste. 157 00:10:26,120 --> 00:10:27,920 And when I saw him, I'm 12 years old. 158 00:10:28,580 --> 00:10:30,760 I have an older sister and I'm hanging out with them. 159 00:10:30,760 --> 00:10:33,100 And, you know, 160 00:10:33,220 --> 00:10:38,520 I thought it was a good idea to buy me a pack of California wine coolers and that's when wine coolers first came out. 161 00:10:39,340 --> 00:10:42,100 You know, so they bought me a four pack and I'm 12 years old. 162 00:10:42,100 --> 00:10:44,440 I'm about, I don't know, 90, 95 pounds. 163 00:10:44,860 --> 00:10:47,140 I drank the four packs or so, I think. 164 00:10:47,140 --> 00:10:47,720 I don't know. 165 00:10:47,800 --> 00:10:49,700 I'm just going to claim that I drank the four pack. 166 00:10:49,720 --> 00:10:50,180 I don't know. 167 00:10:50,180 --> 00:10:51,520 I blacked out somewhere in there. 168 00:10:52,120 --> 00:11:02,180 And so I remember coming to and it was the middle of July and I'm laying on those wool blankets that you get from TJ and I'm laying on that and it was hot and I can remember that. 169 00:11:02,180 --> 00:11:12,320 And I remember coming to In-N-Out and I came to and I'm lifting up the blanket and I'm bobbing it under the blanket and covering it back up because if you cover it up, it never happens. 170 00:11:13,400 --> 00:11:14,360 I don't know what happened. 171 00:11:15,500 --> 00:11:23,780 And so that was that was the first time that I ever drank to get drunk and I just knew intuitively how to drink, you know, just like drink to get there. 172 00:11:23,780 --> 00:11:26,600 And, you know, there was an invisible line. 173 00:11:27,080 --> 00:11:28,400 I crossed it that day. 174 00:11:28,940 --> 00:11:31,260 You know, there was no social drinking for me. 175 00:11:31,260 --> 00:11:31,980 I'm not a social drinker. 176 00:11:31,980 --> 00:11:34,200 I've never had a glass of wine. 177 00:11:34,200 --> 00:11:37,380 I if I went out tomorrow, I wouldn't have a glass of wine. 178 00:11:37,860 --> 00:11:39,000 That's not the way I drink. 179 00:11:39,100 --> 00:11:48,580 You know, I'm the kind of drinker who I drink Thunderbird, Nitrane, Cisco, Bones Farm, you know, whatever is cheap and whatever is going to get me there quick. 180 00:11:48,600 --> 00:11:49,660 That's the way I like it. 181 00:11:49,740 --> 00:11:51,800 I don't do anything that doesn't give me an effect. 182 00:11:51,800 --> 00:11:54,920 I don't drink decaf coffee because I like the effect of it by coffee. 183 00:11:54,960 --> 00:11:57,120 And and so, you know, that's how I drink. 184 00:11:57,120 --> 00:11:59,580 I drink for that ease and comfort. 185 00:11:59,640 --> 00:12:01,960 And, you know, I fell in love with alcohol. 186 00:12:01,980 --> 00:12:07,660 You know, it tells us in our book that men and women like us drink essentially for the effect produced by alcohol. 187 00:12:07,660 --> 00:12:08,520 And that's why I drink. 188 00:12:08,520 --> 00:12:11,360 You know, if I'm not getting anything out of it, I'm not going to drink. 189 00:12:11,360 --> 00:12:12,820 Why am I going to have a glass of wine? 190 00:12:12,820 --> 00:12:14,040 I don't want a glass of wine. 191 00:12:14,040 --> 00:12:16,120 It's too expensive and it's not going to get me there. 192 00:12:16,380 --> 00:12:19,740 I don't drink beer because I get full unless it's an Old English 800. 193 00:12:19,740 --> 00:12:20,740 That's going to get me there. 194 00:12:20,740 --> 00:12:22,540 I can just add malt liquor. 195 00:12:22,600 --> 00:12:23,760 That's that gets me there. 196 00:12:23,760 --> 00:12:27,820 And when I wasn't a social drinker, I only drank for the effective. 197 00:12:27,820 --> 00:12:30,360 And, you know, at 12 years old, you can't drink every day. 198 00:12:30,780 --> 00:12:31,860 But I drink as often as I can. 199 00:12:31,860 --> 00:12:33,320 I couldn't mostly on the weekends. 200 00:12:33,540 --> 00:12:40,320 And I remember, you know, going to school and I had a friend who was bringing those airplane bottles of alcohol because his dad was a pilot. 201 00:12:40,320 --> 00:12:46,500 And so you bring them to school and I made fast friends with them, you know, like anybody that I can get something from. 202 00:12:46,500 --> 00:12:49,040 I'm on the nubble up to get my friend and my buddy. 203 00:12:49,040 --> 00:12:50,620 You know, I'm always that one. 204 00:12:50,620 --> 00:12:53,660 I see, you know, I can get something from and you're going to be my friend. 205 00:12:53,660 --> 00:12:54,380 We're going to be cool. 206 00:12:54,380 --> 00:12:56,760 And and so, you know, I can't drink every day. 207 00:12:56,760 --> 00:13:01,200 But, you know, I start doing other things and I'm I use other stuff. 208 00:13:01,200 --> 00:13:01,560 And what? 209 00:13:01,560 --> 00:13:02,840 I'm I'm an alcoholic. 210 00:13:02,840 --> 00:13:03,660 I'm an alcoholic. 211 00:13:03,660 --> 00:13:04,320 No matter what. 212 00:13:04,320 --> 00:13:05,320 That's my first job. 213 00:13:05,320 --> 00:13:06,480 I love alcohol. 214 00:13:06,480 --> 00:13:10,780 You know, prior to getting drunk that first time, you know, I'm I'm not funny enough. 215 00:13:10,780 --> 00:13:11,640 I'm not pretty enough. 216 00:13:11,640 --> 00:13:12,960 I'm not tall enough. 217 00:13:12,960 --> 00:13:14,220 You know, nobody likes me. 218 00:13:14,220 --> 00:13:16,160 And that's my perception about my life. 219 00:13:16,160 --> 00:13:19,160 But as soon as I drink, I remember I just felt OK. 220 00:13:19,160 --> 00:13:20,240 Like it didn't matter. 221 00:13:20,240 --> 00:13:27,320 I don't care if you don't like me or, you know, I'm funnier when I'm drinking, you know, happier when I'm drinking. 222 00:13:27,320 --> 00:13:28,780 And that's just kind of the way I look. 223 00:13:28,780 --> 00:13:31,160 And and so I'm drinking mostly on the weekends. 224 00:13:31,160 --> 00:13:39,260 And, you know, by the time I'm 14 years old, my sister is telling me the one who got me drunk for the first time is saying, you know, you drink a lot like what that looked like. 225 00:13:39,260 --> 00:13:41,000 It is my mom. 226 00:13:41,000 --> 00:13:44,100 Like I said, she's codependent, very nice, very kindly. 227 00:13:44,100 --> 00:13:47,540 But you put any alcohol in her system and she's got Dr. 228 00:13:47,540 --> 00:13:50,820 Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, you know, that switch happens for her. 229 00:13:50,820 --> 00:13:55,000 She gets very angry and she calls people and tells them the problem. 230 00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:57,680 You know, my dad treats her bad and all of these things. 231 00:13:57,680 --> 00:14:01,040 And she's the kind of person who she'll get on the phone. 232 00:14:01,040 --> 00:14:02,220 And she passes out. 233 00:14:02,220 --> 00:14:04,100 She'll have the phone on her lap. 234 00:14:04,100 --> 00:14:06,780 But her drink is still upright and it never falls. 235 00:14:06,780 --> 00:14:08,620 She's getting passed out. 236 00:14:08,620 --> 00:14:10,220 Her drink is never going to fall. 237 00:14:10,220 --> 00:14:14,480 And so that's the kind of person I became after two years of drinking. 238 00:14:14,480 --> 00:14:16,220 And, you know, I denied it. 239 00:14:16,220 --> 00:14:17,260 I wasn't going to be like her. 240 00:14:17,260 --> 00:14:18,860 I was never going to be like her. 241 00:14:18,860 --> 00:14:23,260 And so what happened for me is I just kind of stopped drinking with my sisters. 242 00:14:23,260 --> 00:14:25,400 What happened? 243 00:14:25,400 --> 00:14:28,880 You know, I would just drink with my friends and, you know, just do whatever I could to change my head. 244 00:14:28,880 --> 00:14:29,080 You know, I just drink with my friends and, you know, just do whatever I could to change my head. 245 00:14:29,080 --> 00:14:31,340 You know, I just drink with my friends and, you know, just do whatever I could to change my head. 246 00:14:31,340 --> 00:14:36,140 I just needed to change my reality, you know, because there was something definitely wrong with me. 247 00:14:36,140 --> 00:14:41,400 I was definitely missing something my whole life, you know, that hole in my gut. 248 00:14:41,400 --> 00:14:47,340 And I didn't realize, like, I didn't realize for a long time, you know, that that's a spiritual normality. 249 00:14:47,340 --> 00:14:49,520 I have a spiritual thing. 250 00:14:49,520 --> 00:14:52,180 And, you know, alcohol is a spirit. 251 00:14:52,180 --> 00:14:53,460 You know, it's thought about the spirit. 252 00:14:53,460 --> 00:14:57,240 And so I feel my need with that spirit of alcohol. 253 00:14:57,240 --> 00:14:58,460 And, you know, that false spirit. 254 00:14:58,460 --> 00:14:59,460 Because it's temporary. 255 00:14:59,460 --> 00:15:00,460 Because the next day it's gone. 256 00:15:00,460 --> 00:15:01,460 And so that's why I drink for that, for that healing. 257 00:15:01,460 --> 00:15:02,460 And so by the time I'm 16 years old, you know, my friend gave me something. 258 00:15:02,460 --> 00:15:03,460 And I was at high school. 259 00:15:03,460 --> 00:15:04,460 And I took it. 260 00:15:04,460 --> 00:15:05,460 I didn't ask what it was. 261 00:15:05,460 --> 00:15:06,460 I just took it. 262 00:15:06,460 --> 00:15:07,460 And, you know, the next day I come to school. 263 00:15:07,460 --> 00:15:08,460 And I remember just blacking out. 264 00:15:08,460 --> 00:15:09,460 I don't know what I did or what I said or who I talked to. 265 00:15:09,460 --> 00:15:10,460 None of that. 266 00:15:10,460 --> 00:15:11,460 And the next day I come to school. 267 00:15:11,460 --> 00:15:12,460 And, you know, people are asking me, what was wrong with you? 268 00:15:12,460 --> 00:15:13,460 Why were you acting like that? 269 00:15:13,460 --> 00:15:14,460 I don't know. 270 00:15:14,460 --> 00:15:15,460 I don't know. 271 00:15:15,460 --> 00:15:16,460 I don't know. 272 00:15:16,460 --> 00:15:17,460 I don't even know. 273 00:15:17,460 --> 00:15:18,460 I don't know what I did. 274 00:15:18,460 --> 00:15:19,460 And so my solution for that for embarrassment is, you know, I just kind of go away. 275 00:15:19,460 --> 00:15:20,460 I dropped out of high school. 276 00:15:20,460 --> 00:15:21,460 I convinced my mom to let me drop out of high school. 277 00:15:21,460 --> 00:15:22,460 And she thought that was an okay idea. 278 00:15:22,460 --> 00:15:23,460 And so I did. 279 00:15:23,460 --> 00:15:24,460 And shortly after that, I figured, I started thinking. 280 00:15:24,460 --> 00:15:25,460 And that's what happened for me. 281 00:15:25,460 --> 00:15:26,460 And so the next day I come to school. 282 00:15:26,460 --> 00:15:27,460 And I remember just blacking out. 283 00:15:27,460 --> 00:15:28,460 I don't know what I did or what I said or who I talked to. 284 00:15:28,460 --> 00:15:29,460 None of that. 285 00:15:29,460 --> 00:15:30,460 And the next day I come to school. 286 00:15:30,460 --> 00:15:31,460 And people are asking me, what was wrong with you? 287 00:15:31,460 --> 00:15:32,460 Why were you acting like that? 288 00:15:32,460 --> 00:15:33,460 I don't even know. 289 00:15:33,460 --> 00:15:38,560 is, you know, I just kind of go away. I dropped out of high school. I convinced my mom to let me 290 00:15:38,560 --> 00:15:42,940 drop out of high school, and she thought that was an okay idea, and so I did. Shortly after that, 291 00:15:43,000 --> 00:15:47,320 I figured, well, I started thinking, and that's what happened for me. I started thinking like 292 00:15:47,320 --> 00:15:50,400 that. How am I going to support myself? What am I going to do? Oh my gosh, I'm going to have to 293 00:15:50,400 --> 00:15:53,940 work in a factory my whole life. I'm, you know, I'm this stupid Mexican that just dropped out of 294 00:15:53,940 --> 00:15:59,760 high school. What am I going to do? And so what I did, my thinking is, I was in a wedding. My 295 00:15:59,760 --> 00:16:04,800 husband's getting married, and I was 17 at the time. I just turned 17, and my cousin is getting 296 00:16:04,800 --> 00:16:09,640 married, and I'm at his wedding, and you know, when you're Mexican and you're in a wedding, 297 00:16:09,740 --> 00:16:14,560 you have to drink as soon as you get up, and you know, on the day of the wedding, right? Bring it 298 00:16:14,560 --> 00:16:19,620 up. You're going to the church. You're going to go to take pictures. You're going to just drink 299 00:16:19,620 --> 00:16:25,100 all the way there, right? And so by the time I get to the reception, I'm just drunk, and there's 300 00:16:25,100 --> 00:16:29,700 this guy who is interested in me, and I'm drunk, and he's drunk, and so I'm interested, 301 00:16:30,020 --> 00:16:34,560 and we're hanging out. We're dancing. We're on the dance floor and making out in front of my 302 00:16:34,560 --> 00:16:38,860 family, and I didn't even realize I was doing that, which is embarrassing, but you know, I 303 00:16:38,860 --> 00:16:42,100 remember my aunt coming to me and saying, what are you doing? You're embarrassing yourself, 304 00:16:42,260 --> 00:16:46,380 and the first time I could remember saying, leave me alone. I'm not doing anything to hurt anybody, 305 00:16:46,900 --> 00:16:51,480 and so, you know, this guy, so we were having a good time, and the next day, he wanted to come 306 00:16:51,480 --> 00:16:55,240 and visit me at my aunt's house, and I wasn't interested anymore because I'm not drunk anymore, 307 00:16:55,240 --> 00:16:59,520 so I'm not interested, and you know, he convinced me to let him come over, and he was, 308 00:16:59,760 --> 00:17:03,580 he was really late, like a couple hours, and when he got there, he was drunk, and it's like, 309 00:17:03,760 --> 00:17:07,560 it's, it's okay if I'm drunk, and you're drunk, but if you're drunk, and I'm not, it's not okay, 310 00:17:07,700 --> 00:17:12,400 and so he convinced me to walk outside, and I walked outside, and he threw me on the ground. 311 00:17:12,540 --> 00:17:16,680 He grabbed me by the neck, and he, he acted like he was gonna put me in the face, and me and that 312 00:17:16,680 --> 00:17:21,740 guy got married, and we had a kid, and I'm trying to go into his life, you know. I thought, he loves 313 00:17:21,740 --> 00:17:25,820 me. I didn't love him, but I just thought, oh, this guy really likes me. He's really, like, 314 00:17:25,820 --> 00:17:29,720 you know, because I don't want to talk to him, and that's not it. 315 00:17:29,760 --> 00:17:36,500 But, you know, so we had this kid, and our marriage was very violent. You know, this guy 316 00:17:36,500 --> 00:17:41,640 had been a boxer, and so he was, like, very muscular, and big, and I've always been small, 317 00:17:42,100 --> 00:17:46,180 and, but I wasn't a victim to that life. You know, there was a lot of times that I knew the 318 00:17:46,180 --> 00:17:49,740 first punch at him, because don't you know who I am? You don't want to talk to me like that. 319 00:17:50,040 --> 00:17:57,300 I've just always been kind of feisty. These girls, they call me salty, salty, and, and so I've 320 00:17:57,300 --> 00:17:59,740 always been that way, and, you know, for me, what happened was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, 321 00:17:59,760 --> 00:18:04,140 you know, really like this with this guy. I really wasn't drinking in the marriage, 322 00:18:04,140 --> 00:18:09,040 and so when I got pregnant, I didn't drink, and, and I wasn't really drinking, but he was drinking, 323 00:18:09,280 --> 00:18:12,760 and so I always went into a problem about him, and what was happening for me is I was 324 00:18:12,760 --> 00:18:16,740 necessarily able to discontent, and I didn't know. I needed to drink bad, and I was just, 325 00:18:16,840 --> 00:18:21,320 I didn't realize, and I'll get right to my death, it was alcoholism. My alcoholism was progressing, 326 00:18:21,520 --> 00:18:26,360 but I wasn't drinking, and the times that I did drink, I always overshot the board, 327 00:18:26,360 --> 00:18:29,740 and I was always drunk, and I was always really under, 328 00:18:29,760 --> 00:18:36,000 comment. And so what happened for me is what made me walk away basically is, you know, I pulled out 329 00:18:36,000 --> 00:18:41,480 a gun on him and I thought, maybe I need to get out of this. Maybe this is not okay. And so I left 330 00:18:41,480 --> 00:18:46,280 and the way I leave, I don't leave like a grown up, a normal person. What I did was when he was 331 00:18:46,280 --> 00:18:51,700 at work, I got my stuff and I put it in the hefty bag and I got my son and we took off. And, you 332 00:18:51,700 --> 00:18:57,240 know, this was in the nineties and, you know, I had a pager and he's calling me, information, 333 00:18:57,240 --> 00:19:01,660 911, it's an emergency. And so hours later I call him back and he's like, you know, where are 334 00:19:01,660 --> 00:19:06,700 you? And I said, I moved out. Like we had been together for four years and I just up and moved 335 00:19:06,700 --> 00:19:10,940 out. And I was like, you know, I'm done with it. You should be done with it. Let's just move on. 336 00:19:11,060 --> 00:19:15,220 And I had no feelings for this guy at all. Like we've been together for four years, 337 00:19:15,320 --> 00:19:19,780 slept in the same bed for all that time. And, you know, just did a lot of stuff together. And 338 00:19:19,780 --> 00:19:24,880 I just had no feelings for him. And I didn't realize like how cold a person that I was 339 00:19:24,880 --> 00:19:27,200 towards this guy. I had no idea. I just, 340 00:19:27,240 --> 00:19:31,740 and I just thought you just need to be over it. I'm over it. And that's just kind of the way I was, 341 00:19:31,860 --> 00:19:36,760 you know, I just, if, if it didn't affect me, I just didn't care. And I didn't realize until 342 00:19:36,760 --> 00:19:42,160 later on, not too long ago, you know, that pretty much happened to me. And I didn't have any 343 00:19:42,160 --> 00:19:46,760 sympathy. I mean, I did, I felt bad when I made moments and stuff like that later in my sobriety 344 00:19:46,760 --> 00:19:53,460 but until that happened to me, I couldn't really actually be there and think of how this guy felt. 345 00:19:53,760 --> 00:19:57,180 And so I understand it today and I just have more sympathy, more sympathy. 346 00:19:57,240 --> 00:20:01,560 And so I leave the marriage and I start going out to bars and I think, you know, 347 00:20:01,640 --> 00:20:07,320 I'm 21 years old. I need to start going out and having fun. I have no job, but that's fine. You 348 00:20:07,320 --> 00:20:12,020 know, I take up my dad's profession and I'm kind of, you know, selling things at the clubs and, 349 00:20:12,220 --> 00:20:16,920 you know, I'm a user of people. So if somebody is going to buy me a drink, that's cool. 350 00:20:17,320 --> 00:20:21,600 You know, if I can use somebody to get what I need, that's cool. I'll do it. And, you know, 351 00:20:21,700 --> 00:20:26,060 there were times like I had just like, I, I didn't have any walls or anything like that. Like if I, 352 00:20:26,060 --> 00:20:27,180 if somebody wanted something, 353 00:20:27,240 --> 00:20:32,060 for me, for me, and I like their pants, I would just say, give me your pants and then I'll trade 354 00:20:32,060 --> 00:20:37,380 you, you know, and I just kind of, that's just the way I was. And, you know, I felt like I had 355 00:20:37,380 --> 00:20:42,460 a little bit of power and, you know, it's just, it's weak power. And so I live like that and I'm 356 00:20:42,460 --> 00:20:47,180 kind of living in my car. I didn't realize it until, you know, many years of sobriety that I 357 00:20:47,180 --> 00:20:52,220 was homeless. You know, I was homeless. I lived in my car. I had a place to go home to. My mom 358 00:20:52,220 --> 00:20:56,860 lived in Long Beach and I could stay with her. I let my son go back to live with his dad because 359 00:20:57,240 --> 00:21:00,980 I can't take him to bars. So I'm going to let his dad take care of him. And that's kind of what I did. 360 00:21:01,300 --> 00:21:05,920 You know, I thought I was protecting him and I just needed a party. I needed to do what I needed to do. 361 00:21:06,180 --> 00:21:10,820 I love the bars. I love the clubs. You know, I love nightclubs. I was always in LA and Hollywood, 362 00:21:11,180 --> 00:21:15,580 you know, just, you know, drinking in the bars. I love the jukeboxes in the little bars, 363 00:21:15,720 --> 00:21:21,160 the little dive bars. And, you know, you know, I just love the smell. I love playing pool. I love 364 00:21:21,160 --> 00:21:27,080 all that cool atmosphere. I like being around a lot of people, you know, just a lot of music and, 365 00:21:27,240 --> 00:21:32,100 you know, that's what I did. And I drank a lot and I got a DUI. It's funny. I was sharing with 366 00:21:32,100 --> 00:21:38,020 Myra. I said, you know, I just started drinking again. And, you know, I was driving from LA and 367 00:21:38,020 --> 00:21:43,620 I had some people in my car and I used to carry a gun. And so my gun was under my leg and I don't 368 00:21:43,620 --> 00:21:49,620 know why I kept it under my leg. I could have shot myself. But when I got pulled over, I handed 369 00:21:49,620 --> 00:21:55,100 the gun to my friend. He's like this little guy and I handed it to him and he started screaming. 370 00:21:55,340 --> 00:21:56,700 He was like, what are you doing? 371 00:21:57,240 --> 00:22:02,960 And I said, you better take it off. And I would have done it too. I just didn't care. And so I 372 00:22:02,960 --> 00:22:06,680 stopped carrying the gun, but I didn't stop drinking and driving. And so that's just kind 373 00:22:06,680 --> 00:22:13,720 of the way, you know, I just kind of, you know, I didn't really have any. And so I lived in my car 374 00:22:13,720 --> 00:22:19,000 and I didn't do laundry or I didn't, you know, brush my teeth ever really. If I went to somebody's 375 00:22:19,000 --> 00:22:23,140 house, if they had toothpaste, I would put some toothpaste on my finger and just brush my teeth 376 00:22:23,140 --> 00:22:27,660 with my finger. I had a pair of Doc Martin boots that I used to always wear. And then 377 00:22:27,660 --> 00:22:32,400 I, you know, I get cold when I'm drinking. And so I wear like, you know, two, three pairs of socks, 378 00:22:32,500 --> 00:22:37,480 whatever I can fit in there. And I wouldn't take them off for days at a time. And so my feet were 379 00:22:37,480 --> 00:22:42,460 pretty ripe, you know, my, it was just really stinky. I was really stinky. I didn't really 380 00:22:42,460 --> 00:22:47,420 bathe regularly. You know, I like when I'm drinking and I don't know why, I don't know why, 381 00:22:47,540 --> 00:22:52,800 but I like to take off my blouse and so I would always end up in my bra. And you know, this bra 382 00:22:52,800 --> 00:22:57,480 that I had, I had one bra and I don't know where I got it from. I got it from somebody. And, uh, 383 00:22:57,660 --> 00:23:04,380 it used to be white and now it's a dingy gray color. And I thought when I'm dancing around in 384 00:23:04,380 --> 00:23:11,560 those bars that I was good. And, um, you know, just like sucked up and, you know, I didn't eat. 385 00:23:11,820 --> 00:23:16,860 I don't eat when I drink. I don't work when I drink, you know, I just drink. I don't do anything 386 00:23:16,860 --> 00:23:22,040 else. And, uh, you know, like I said, I'm frugal. And so I don't go out to eat after, you know, 387 00:23:22,060 --> 00:23:25,320 a lot of people like to go eat after they go to the club or whatever, you know, I stopped at the 388 00:23:25,320 --> 00:23:27,640 taco truck or whatever. And I'm not going to put a taco on my plate. I'm going to put a taco on my 389 00:23:27,660 --> 00:23:32,980 buzz. I'm just not going to do it. I put a lot of money and effort into it. And, and so, you know, 390 00:23:32,980 --> 00:23:36,240 that's just kind of the way I live. And I don't, I don't think that there's anything wrong with it 391 00:23:36,240 --> 00:23:40,680 for a while. And, um, what was happening for me is I knew that there was something definitely wrong. 392 00:23:40,940 --> 00:23:46,520 Um, I didn't know that I was an alcoholic. Um, I didn't realize, you know, what was wrong with me. 393 00:23:46,600 --> 00:23:52,220 I just thought maybe I just, because I didn't grow up with any morals or values is what I thought. 394 00:23:52,400 --> 00:23:57,020 And, um, and that, you know, I was just an alcoholic. And, um, and so what was happening 395 00:23:57,020 --> 00:24:02,240 for me is I started feeling really guilty about leaving my kid. And, um, and so, um, you know, 396 00:24:02,240 --> 00:24:05,720 I just had that guilt and my kid would call me and say, you know, mom, when are you going to come 397 00:24:05,720 --> 00:24:09,920 pick me up? He was by this time, he was like almost six years old. And I would say, you know, 398 00:24:09,940 --> 00:24:13,420 I'm going to be there. I'll be there for your birthday. I can't show up. I just can't show up. 399 00:24:13,480 --> 00:24:18,460 If I'm drinking the night before, I just can't show up. Um, you know, if I, I just feel guilty. 400 00:24:18,460 --> 00:24:23,340 And so I just can't show up. Cause I'm not one, like I went to, I went to jail on this one warrant 401 00:24:23,340 --> 00:24:27,000 that I had. Cause I never showed up to court. Cause I just cannot show up for anything. 402 00:24:27,020 --> 00:24:31,920 In life, anything that's important. And so if I feel bad, I'm not going to show up. And, you know, 403 00:24:31,920 --> 00:24:35,480 I'm trying to spend all this guilt. And I just thought, what's wrong with you? What's wrong with 404 00:24:35,480 --> 00:24:40,860 my life? Why do I live like this? And, um, I thought that I needed to get a car. I needed to 405 00:24:40,860 --> 00:24:46,040 get a job. Um, you know, I needed to get an apartment so I can get my kid back and I was 406 00:24:46,040 --> 00:24:50,980 going to be okay. I thought normal living was the solution to my alcohol. And, um, what happens for 407 00:24:50,980 --> 00:24:56,100 me is that, uh, I went out this one night and I had been talked to about my drinking and, um, 408 00:24:56,100 --> 00:24:57,000 I was in a relationship with my mom. And, um, I was in a relationship with my mom. And I was in a 409 00:24:57,020 --> 00:25:01,260 relationship and, and I was being talked to about my drinking about, I thought we all drank 410 00:25:01,260 --> 00:25:04,880 alike. Right. And I was being talked to about my drinking. There's something definitely wrong with 411 00:25:04,880 --> 00:25:10,660 the way we drink. And I had started blanking out and I didn't realize. And, um, until, um, so that 412 00:25:10,660 --> 00:25:15,340 happened. And then, um, my aunt was asking me to leave. I started to stay on her couch and she 413 00:25:15,340 --> 00:25:19,240 asked me to leave because I wasn't contributing. I was, I was coming home at three, four o'clock 414 00:25:19,240 --> 00:25:23,740 in the morning, knocking on the window, knowing my uncle has to go to work at six o'clock. And 415 00:25:23,740 --> 00:25:27,000 so I'm just disturbing them. And I was never, you know, I never, 416 00:25:27,020 --> 00:25:31,160 I would never contribute. I would never help out. And, um, so she's asking me to leave. And so 417 00:25:31,160 --> 00:25:35,440 one more time, there's something the matter. And, uh, you know, I called my mom and she had been 418 00:25:35,440 --> 00:25:39,550 calling me and telling me that they had been going to AA meetings. And, you know, she told me this 419 00:25:39,550 --> 00:25:44,710 one story that, um, they went to this AA meeting and, you know, the, the person who was at the 420 00:25:44,710 --> 00:25:48,190 podium said, you know, if you want to come up and get a chip, come up and get a chip. And she 421 00:25:48,190 --> 00:25:52,010 thought they were potato chips. And so she was telling me, she's like, I was hungry. So I went 422 00:25:52,010 --> 00:25:55,650 up there and they thought, no, it's a sobriety chip. And so she told me that story. And I 423 00:25:55,650 --> 00:25:56,990 remember laughing about it. 424 00:25:57,110 --> 00:26:02,270 And, uh, it stuck in my mind. And so when, uh, I told my cousin, I said, I'm not going to go out 425 00:26:02,270 --> 00:26:06,090 with you tonight. It was Sunday night. I said, I'm going to go and get a job tomorrow, you know, 426 00:26:06,090 --> 00:26:10,190 so I can get my life together. And he said, you don't have to drink. And I thought, oh, okay. 427 00:26:10,330 --> 00:26:15,650 So we went to this club and, um, we go there and I'm sitting there and it must've been only a few 428 00:26:15,650 --> 00:26:18,710 minutes. I don't know. But he said, well, let's just play you a beer. Cause you know, I think 429 00:26:18,710 --> 00:26:22,770 it's a beer. And, uh, I'm like, all right. And the next thing I know, it's probably about nine 430 00:26:22,770 --> 00:26:27,730 o'clock. The next thing I know it's about two 30, three o'clock in the morning. And I'm down in the 431 00:26:27,730 --> 00:26:31,990 strip hall at this pool hall that was open till four. And I have no blouse on again. And I'm 432 00:26:31,990 --> 00:26:37,110 asking this guy to give me something to wake me up. And I knew him kind of, um, so I'm asking him 433 00:26:37,110 --> 00:26:40,810 to give me something to wake me up. And I thought, how did I get here? Like I wasn't supposed to 434 00:26:40,810 --> 00:26:45,010 drink today. I was supposed to get a job tomorrow. And so I called my mom and she suggested I get 435 00:26:45,010 --> 00:26:49,590 into recovery home. And so I interviewed recovery homes. If they talked about God, I definitely was 436 00:26:49,590 --> 00:26:52,750 not going there. Uh, if you couldn't smoke, I was not going there. And so I called my mom and she 437 00:26:52,770 --> 00:26:57,370 said, you know, if, if they didn't let me outside, I wasn't going to go. And finally, I remember my 438 00:26:57,370 --> 00:27:01,830 mom came to me and she said, if you don't get into a recovery home by tomorrow, you're going to have 439 00:27:01,830 --> 00:27:06,390 to leave. And, um, you know, I told you my mom's very codependent, right? Always taking care of 440 00:27:06,390 --> 00:27:10,550 me. And years later I had told her, I said, you know, I said, you know, I'm so grateful that you 441 00:27:10,550 --> 00:27:14,170 told me that, that if, if I didn't get into this recovery home that I would have to leave. And she 442 00:27:14,170 --> 00:27:18,590 said, I never said that. I never tell you that, but that's what I heard. And I believe for me 443 00:27:18,590 --> 00:27:22,450 that that was my God talking to me through my mom. She didn't even know it. And I just thought 444 00:27:22,450 --> 00:27:27,910 it was her, which helped motivate me to get into a recovery home. And, um, until, you know, when I 445 00:27:27,910 --> 00:27:31,710 told her that and she said that, I just thought, wow, that was a gunshot. You know, I didn't really 446 00:27:31,710 --> 00:27:36,290 believe in God, but that was a gunshot. And so, um, so I went to this recovery home and they 447 00:27:36,290 --> 00:27:40,450 introduced me to Alcoholics Anonymous and I got sober on a Friday. Um, you know, I still love 448 00:27:40,450 --> 00:27:46,970 Fridays. I don't really care if it's Friday, but I like me sober on Fridays and I love that I got 449 00:27:46,970 --> 00:27:52,070 there. And there was an AA speaker that came in and I got to hear, I got to hear alcoholism. You 450 00:27:52,450 --> 00:27:55,190 know, I got to hear what it was like, what happened and what it's like today for that person. 451 00:27:55,310 --> 00:27:59,250 And I got to relate and I realized that I was an alcoholic and there was a solution and it was in 452 00:27:59,250 --> 00:28:03,390 the book Alcoholics Anonymous, but I still wasn't willing to do anything. You know, I, I thought 453 00:28:03,390 --> 00:28:07,610 that there was a solution. I thought this lady's life, she seemed to be, you know, pretty happy in 454 00:28:07,610 --> 00:28:13,070 her life, but I didn't want to do anything. Like I'm lazy. I don't want to do any work at all. 455 00:28:13,350 --> 00:28:18,750 Like, like path measures. That's me, you know? And, um, and so I really didn't want to do much. 456 00:28:18,750 --> 00:28:22,430 And it took for me, uh, where I was at that point where I didn't know if I was going to 457 00:28:22,450 --> 00:28:27,550 be able to stay sober to really dedicate myself to Alcoholics Anonymous. And that lady who, who, 458 00:28:27,690 --> 00:28:32,150 um, I asked to be my sponsor that first night, um, at seven months of sobriety, she started 459 00:28:32,150 --> 00:28:36,230 walking me through the steps and, um, I started going to my home group and, uh, she said, I want 460 00:28:36,230 --> 00:28:40,150 you to stand in the greeting line today, our greeting line on Monday night, there's probably 461 00:28:40,150 --> 00:28:43,790 about a hundred people that stand in that greeting line. It's ridiculous. You're really 462 00:28:43,790 --> 00:28:49,610 welcome by the time. And, um, and so I got into the greeting line and I don't like people. I don't 463 00:28:49,610 --> 00:28:52,430 want to touch your hand. I don't want to ask you how you're doing. Cause I don't care. I don't want to 464 00:28:52,450 --> 00:28:56,290 care. I just didn't care. And you know, the thing about it is more than anything is I was 465 00:28:56,290 --> 00:29:01,590 full of fear. I've always been full of fear my whole life. My whole life I ran on fear and I 466 00:29:01,590 --> 00:29:06,190 didn't know it. Um, and so what happens for me is when I'm afraid, I just get angry. I have those 467 00:29:06,190 --> 00:29:10,730 two emotions, fear and anger, and they're all one and the same. And so I was afraid of people and I 468 00:29:10,730 --> 00:29:14,490 didn't want to stand in that greeting line. Um, but I did it anyway, because I was at that point 469 00:29:14,490 --> 00:29:19,190 that I needed something to change in my life. And, uh, I, I didn't know how to do it on my own. And 470 00:29:19,190 --> 00:29:24,110 so I listened to my sponsor and we started working the steps and, um, and, uh, it came to the third 471 00:29:24,110 --> 00:29:28,230 step where, uh, she said, you're going to come to my house. We're going to get down on our knees 472 00:29:28,230 --> 00:29:32,290 and we're going to pray and we're going to hold hands. And I thought, um, I am too full for all 473 00:29:32,290 --> 00:29:35,310 that. I'm not going to hold your hand and I'm not going to pray because I don't believe in God. 474 00:29:35,470 --> 00:29:39,970 And, but I did it anyway. And so, you know, what I was taught is that it doesn't, you don't care 475 00:29:39,970 --> 00:29:46,170 how you feel or what you do that matter. And, um, I'm very grateful that I got that early on in my 476 00:29:46,170 --> 00:29:49,170 sobriety is that they didn't care what I felt. They didn't care what I felt. They didn't care what I 477 00:29:49,190 --> 00:29:54,330 thought. They just cared what I did, you know? And so my home group has really trained my feet. 478 00:29:54,670 --> 00:29:58,850 And, uh, and so I got commitments and I started going to three meetings a week. Um, you know, 479 00:29:58,870 --> 00:30:04,550 I had visitation with that kid and, um, you know, I got to form a relationship with my son and I had 480 00:30:04,550 --> 00:30:08,550 him every other weekend and I paid my child support. I thought that was lame. How do you 481 00:30:08,550 --> 00:30:13,370 pay a man for child support? Like that's the way, but my sponsor said, you know, you're self-supporting 482 00:30:13,370 --> 00:30:18,590 you take care of your responsibility and that's your responsibility. Um, I got into a relationship 483 00:30:18,590 --> 00:30:24,150 when I was newly sober, which was a bad idea. Um, and, uh, it worked out for a long time. Um, you 484 00:30:24,150 --> 00:30:28,450 know, but I didn't know how to be in a relationship. I still have those old ideas. And so we just 485 00:30:28,450 --> 00:30:32,930 fought regularly, which was not great, but I would call my sponsor and say, this is what happened. 486 00:30:32,990 --> 00:30:38,190 And she's supposed to get to a meeting. And so I did. And, um, and I, I just continue to put 487 00:30:38,190 --> 00:30:42,870 Alcoholics Anonymous first and, you know, that violence stopped happening. And I got to stay 488 00:30:42,870 --> 00:30:47,730 sober and show up to meetings and have commitments. You know, I've always, um, been active in my home 489 00:30:48,590 --> 00:30:53,710 club, you know, I was active in service in my private area, central office. And so I would show 490 00:30:53,710 --> 00:30:58,710 up for all of that. I've sponsored people on and off and spread, you know, sometimes, sometimes I 491 00:30:58,710 --> 00:31:03,090 have sponsored, sometimes I didn't, um, you know, but the thing that was missing in my life and I 492 00:31:03,090 --> 00:31:07,930 didn't realize it, you know, I started, I looked at the steps, but I couldn't fully do, um, you 493 00:31:07,930 --> 00:31:13,270 know, like really work with second and third step, you know, like I didn't have a God of my 494 00:31:13,270 --> 00:31:17,830 own understanding. So how can I turn my will over to that God that I understand? Because I didn't 495 00:31:17,830 --> 00:31:18,190 have an understanding. So I didn't have an understanding. So I didn't have an understanding. 496 00:31:18,590 --> 00:31:24,630 and so but what my sponsors have taught me to do is it doesn't matter you know if you believe 497 00:31:24,630 --> 00:31:30,450 we just want you to take the action to pray and so I've you know always been in prayer but I never 498 00:31:30,450 --> 00:31:35,430 had faith I've never had that conscious contact with God I always thought that I had to see God 499 00:31:35,430 --> 00:31:40,850 working in my life and I can't see it from my own eyes you know for my perception like my life is 500 00:31:40,850 --> 00:31:44,710 still not great it's not wonderful I get to stay sober but you know there's things that would be 501 00:31:44,710 --> 00:31:50,010 different and I can't see that sometimes you know there's just a different plan for me and um and so 502 00:31:50,010 --> 00:31:55,790 you know I've always had that that's always been my um my difficulty in sobriety is that relationship 503 00:31:55,790 --> 00:32:00,550 with God of my own understanding and it seemed like every seven years I had that spiritual bottom 504 00:32:00,550 --> 00:32:05,530 you know and that I had to recommit to Alcoholics Anonymous and start to pray again because I would 505 00:32:05,530 --> 00:32:12,430 get away from it and uh you know I always relied on myself myself to uh you know just to to be 506 00:32:12,430 --> 00:32:14,690 self-sufficient and um you know so I 507 00:32:14,710 --> 00:32:20,510 always just had people to kind of look up to and I kind of you know had my group as my higher power 508 00:32:20,510 --> 00:32:26,770 and um and so you know I'm here in sobriety and I'm about 20 years sober and um you know I've 509 00:32:26,770 --> 00:32:33,510 I've learned how to be a an employee here I've you know been a spouse I've been a I was a 510 00:32:33,510 --> 00:32:39,110 grandmother you know I'm a student I go to school um you know I'm a college student and I'm almost 511 00:32:39,110 --> 00:32:44,050 done I'm so happy I'm not St. Mary's in a way and um and so you know I've done all these things 512 00:32:44,050 --> 00:32:44,690 I've been in the church I've been in the church I've been in the church I've been in the church 513 00:32:44,690 --> 00:32:51,810 keep a job, you know, and that's big for me, you know, to keep a job, to be an employee, to show 514 00:32:51,810 --> 00:32:57,850 up and do what I say I'm going to do, and to be, you know, valuable employers, and so I'm here, 515 00:32:58,010 --> 00:33:03,490 and I hit these bottoms in sobriety at seven, I almost wanted to drink, at 14, I had a difficult 516 00:33:03,490 --> 00:33:08,950 time, and I had to start praying again, and at 20, what happened for me is, you know, I was in a 517 00:33:08,950 --> 00:33:14,150 20-year relationship, and that ended, and, you know, for me, it's like, what do you do, like, 518 00:33:14,150 --> 00:33:19,690 this is your whole life in sobriety, and I was, you know, 20 years sober, and it was, it was at 519 00:33:19,690 --> 00:33:25,350 bottom again, it was like, okay, so what do you do now, you know, and I had to recommit to Alcoholics 520 00:33:25,350 --> 00:33:30,750 Anonymous, I had to start praying to that God that I didn't believe in, and start speaking on a 521 00:33:30,750 --> 00:33:37,130 different level, and I had to see where religious people were right, and really just, like, somebody 522 00:33:37,130 --> 00:33:42,350 said to me, they said, you have old ideas, and the result is real until you let go absolutely 523 00:33:42,350 --> 00:33:44,050 about God, and I 524 00:33:44,150 --> 00:33:49,050 really had to dig that in, and start looking at that, and saying, I did, I have these old ideas 525 00:33:49,050 --> 00:33:54,130 that were not my ideas, they were based on somebody else's opinion, and, and so I had to 526 00:33:54,130 --> 00:33:58,330 really start seeking a different way, and what I started doing is, I started doing medication, 527 00:33:58,710 --> 00:34:03,210 I started getting down on my knees and praying, and I started seeking, and I started seeking people 528 00:34:03,210 --> 00:34:07,650 that were religious, and I started kind of following them, never putting Alcoholics Anonymous 529 00:34:07,650 --> 00:34:13,250 second, but just having a different walk, and believing that a God could work in my life, 530 00:34:13,250 --> 00:34:14,130 and that's the whole thing. 531 00:34:14,150 --> 00:34:19,810 And, and so, you know, that really has helped me to, and I started, I reconvened into Alcoholics 532 00:34:19,810 --> 00:34:23,550 Anonymous, which is basically what happened, you know, I stepped up my meetings from, like, 533 00:34:23,870 --> 00:34:27,950 two to three a week, which, you know, in sobriety, what happened for me is, I started getting 534 00:34:27,950 --> 00:34:33,730 complacent in my life, and so Alcoholics Anonymous had been really inconvenient, and, and so I 535 00:34:33,730 --> 00:34:37,810 stepped up my meetings for, from, you know, two to three a week, so I think for seven, 536 00:34:38,170 --> 00:34:41,510 you know, I started sponsoring more people, people would ask me to show up to a birthday 537 00:34:41,510 --> 00:34:43,630 party for somebody I didn't know, yeah, somebody's off. 538 00:34:44,150 --> 00:34:49,230 They would ask me to show up for whatever it was, yes, I will do it, yes, yes, yes, yes, 539 00:34:49,230 --> 00:34:53,450 I just started saying yes, and I had to do that, you know, because every Monday night 540 00:34:53,450 --> 00:34:57,730 when I go to my home group, you know, my wife is there with her new girlfriend that's a 541 00:34:57,730 --> 00:35:01,670 newcomer, and it's like, how do you do that, how do you walk through that, I want to hurt 542 00:35:01,670 --> 00:35:07,530 somebody, but I don't, you know, what I do is I, I work with that 12 tradition, you know, 543 00:35:07,870 --> 00:35:13,330 it's, I have to place those spiritual principles before my personality, my personality is violent, 544 00:35:13,330 --> 00:35:14,130 and I can't do that. 545 00:35:14,150 --> 00:35:17,890 I can't do that today, what I have to do is I have to show up, and have to know that 546 00:35:17,890 --> 00:35:21,630 everybody is welcome in Alcoholics Anonymous, no matter whether I like them or not, and 547 00:35:21,630 --> 00:35:27,570 that no matter what, I have to stay sober, no matter what, I have to look to the newcomers, 548 00:35:27,770 --> 00:35:32,330 I had a sponsor in the past, and she's still a friend today, and I called her, and I said, 549 00:35:32,430 --> 00:35:36,130 how did you do this when this happened to you, how did you, how did you show up, you 550 00:35:36,130 --> 00:35:41,590 know, and, and, you know, sit there and watch this happening, and she said, you know, if 551 00:35:41,590 --> 00:35:44,030 I knew where they were, then I'm not doing my job. 552 00:35:44,150 --> 00:35:48,030 I'm finding the newcomers, and so you work the room, and you talk to the newcomers, and 553 00:35:48,030 --> 00:35:53,290 so that's what I do, and, you know, that has helped me, it doesn't take those feelings 554 00:35:53,290 --> 00:35:58,470 away, but what I do is I just try to practice the things that Alcoholics Anonymous has taught 555 00:35:58,470 --> 00:36:02,930 me, you know, to keep on my side of the street, I'm not a victim to any of that stuff, you 556 00:36:02,930 --> 00:36:07,510 know, I place, I made decisions based on self many years ago that placed me in a position 557 00:36:07,510 --> 00:36:11,510 to be hurt today, and, and I have to look at that, and I have to be responsible for 558 00:36:11,510 --> 00:36:13,390 that, and I have to take ownership for that. 559 00:36:13,390 --> 00:36:13,490 Yeah. 560 00:36:13,490 --> 00:36:13,510 Yeah. 561 00:36:13,510 --> 00:36:13,530 Yeah. 562 00:36:13,530 --> 00:36:13,550 Yeah. 563 00:36:13,550 --> 00:36:13,610 Yeah. 564 00:36:13,610 --> 00:36:13,630 Yeah. 565 00:36:13,630 --> 00:36:13,650 Yeah. 566 00:36:13,650 --> 00:36:13,670 Yeah. 567 00:36:13,670 --> 00:36:13,690 Yeah. 568 00:36:13,690 --> 00:36:16,770 And that really helps me to kind of just walk through this thing with some dignity 569 00:36:16,770 --> 00:36:21,690 and grace, and, you know, what, what I base my life upon today is, you know, I heard early 570 00:36:21,690 --> 00:36:25,790 on, you know, my wife would say, you know, you reap what you sow, you reap what you sow, 571 00:36:26,190 --> 00:36:29,830 and, you know, I would cringe, I would be like, because I was not a nice person, but 572 00:36:29,830 --> 00:36:35,470 today, I hope I reap what I sow, because I put out there, I put, I put love, I put respect, 573 00:36:35,810 --> 00:36:39,750 I put, you know, the, the thought of others, I pray for others today. 574 00:36:40,070 --> 00:36:43,190 If I hear somebody struggling and alone, I will pray for them. 575 00:36:43,190 --> 00:36:47,150 Every day, I pray for at least three or four people in my home group, or people that I 576 00:36:47,150 --> 00:36:50,410 see in beauty, and, you know, that's the, the different thing about me today. 577 00:36:50,530 --> 00:36:54,130 It talks about in our book, we don't pray for ourselves, we pray for others, and I've 578 00:36:54,130 --> 00:36:59,210 learned to get those practices and, and apply them to my life, and how I live today, and 579 00:36:59,210 --> 00:37:04,750 those are the things that keep me grounded, you know, these women keep me grounded, you 580 00:37:04,750 --> 00:37:09,310 know, being of service, and putting Alcoholics Anonymous first, it grounds me, and having 581 00:37:09,310 --> 00:37:15,090 that God that I never believed in, to say, you will work for me, if I put the effort into it, 582 00:37:15,310 --> 00:37:20,990 that grounds me, and it's only because of Alcoholics Anonymous, and they've been in 583 00:37:20,990 --> 00:37:25,690 grace, no matter what, you know, nobody can get me drunk, and nobody can keep me sober, 584 00:37:25,830 --> 00:37:27,590 and I have to remember that, so thanks for letting me share.