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Thank you, Steve. Now I would like to introduce our main speaker, Stephanie.

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Hi, I'm Stephanie. I'm an alcoholic.

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You know, one of the reasons why I

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really hate speaking is I'm afraid of steps.

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And,

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you know, I was at an AA convention years ago and it was, we're in this huge, huge

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ballroom. There were hundreds of people there and I forget why they were

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calling people up. Maybe it was for birthdays or something like that, but

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this woman ran up to the stage and, I mean, the stage was probably three and a

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half, four feet

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tall off the ground and she tried to

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launch herself onto the stage

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and didn't even come close.

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And so, like, it, the stage hit her, like, at the knees and then she just went down

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face first in front of a room of, like,

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hundreds of people. And,

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and, you know, it's, it's really funny, but it's not. You feel so bad for that

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person. So I'm, like, doubled over in my seat. You know, she couldn't see me, but

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I'm doubled over and I've got, like, I'm gripping other

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friends' hands so that I wouldn't laugh out loud, but I'm just dying and I have that

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vision every time there's, like, a step in front of people. So,

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anyway, I made it. I made it

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till I step off of this thing. But, so, I, I just, I hate speaking. I'm

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nervous about it. Thank you.

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And Angie and Jerry did my job for me, so I think we should just have some cake and

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call it a night.

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Just, get the cake.

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Get the hell out of here. Thanks, Oscar, for asking me to speak. I mean, I'm supposed

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to say that, thank you, but I'm not, I'm not really grateful. I think I was even, like,

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yes, I'll speak. And there was one time I said no to an AA request and I regret it.

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I mean, I will regret it for the rest of my life, so I've, I've never done it since. But,

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so anyway, my sobriety date is January 22nd.

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It's the 28th, 2001. My sponsor is Patty P. And my home group is the Saturday Night Interview

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with an Alcoholic in Van Nuys. I have done the steps and I'll just tell you that story

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shortly and then I'll backtrack. So, I was probably about a year sober. Patty wasn't

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my sponsor yet. It was this woman, this amazing woman named Nikki Ann. And she lives on the

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west side, or did at that time, and we didn't see each other that often. So, you know, I

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would check in with her.

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But I wasn't really good at, at doing that. And I wasn't really pursuing her to do the

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steps. But I'd done the first three steps and Patty was actually, she was my boss at

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work at that time. And, you know, I divulged to her that I had a drinking problem and that

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I was sober. And I was attending meetings with her and her husband. And, you know, Harvey,

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her husband, would ask me once in a while, so, have you, have you, where are you at your

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inventory? Have you done your inventory? And I'd be like, mm, yeah, I'm working on that.

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So, one day, I probably, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know,

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but I probably was around a year sober. He says, you're going to come over this weekend.

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You're going to come over Saturday. Come on up after the meeting and we'll talk. And I

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said, okay.

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So I go over to their house after our Sunday meeting. And I think this is around the holidays

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or no, I think this is around Valentine's day. It's because they had a giant tub of

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chocolate and those little chocolate candy bars.

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So I go in and, and he said, so, at that, see, see that, see the table outside on the

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patio? Yeah.

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You're going to go sit down out there. I got you a pad and a pad of paper and a pen. Just go sit

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out there. So I went and sat there and he comes out. He brings this giant bucket of chocolate

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candy bars and he goes, you're going to sit out here and you're going to do your inventory. I

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don't care how long it takes. And that was it. That's how I got my inventory done. I owe it to

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Harvey for that. And God, I just, you would think that I would have gotten over my addiction to

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chocolate from that day, but I didn't. So anyway, there's a lot of alcoholism in my family. On my

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mom's side, just, you know, generations of alcoholics, including my mom. My mom was married

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before she met my dad. She had four children. She divorced. She met my dad in Texas at a bar.

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Dad was enlisted in the army and, you know, I guess, you know, they met at this bar. And my dad

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was, you know, in his early twenties. And I asked,

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years and years and years later, how did you marry? You're like a conservative guy from the

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East Coast who went to military school. How did you get involved with my mom who was working at

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a bar and had four kids? I think they were all under five at that time. I'm like, what possessed

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you? Did you guys screw up? And she got pregnant with me. Was I the kid who, you know, got you

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roped into this marriage? And he said, no, we really loved each other. We were crazy about each

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other. I think the word is lust, but you know, he said, we really, we really loved each other.

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We were crazy and we're in love. And as soon as she divorced,

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her first husband, we went over the County line that day and we got married and, you know,

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you were conceived later. You weren't the reason why we had to get married. And, uh, years later,

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I found out that somewhere in there between the divorce and the marriage, or maybe it was before

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the first divorce, but there's another husband in there somewhere. Um, I don't know if my dad

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knows about that, but you know, my mom was a little wild. So, uh, they got married, had two

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kids. So my dad's taking care of, uh, some other guy's kids, uh, four of them under five years.

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Then me and then my sister. So they got six kids running around and, you know, I, I don't think my

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mom was drinking alcoholically when, you know, before I was born or while she was pregnant with

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us, who knows. Um, but it was after that, that her drinking escalated. And I don't remember much

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about the time, you know, about that part of my childhood before I was eight or nine, when they

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decided to separate, you know, I remember finding my mom face down on the bathroom floor. She's

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passed out. I remember things being kind of crazy. Uh, we lived in, uh,

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a small town in Illinois then. And, um, you know, but I mean, for a kid, uh, I don't really

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remember, but I, my, the memories I have there, it wasn't like outrageously out of control. We

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had sort of a somewhat normal childhood. And then one day, uh, dad sat us all down in the living

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room, like that only the guests were allowed in. And, um, we had a serious talk and he told us

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that they, you know, things weren't working and they were going to split up. And it was right

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around that, that conversation that, uh, it sort of dawned on me that my older siblings were not

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my father's kids. Uh, before that time, I have no recollection of, of knowing that. And, um,

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my parents split, my dad went off and, and, uh, started hanging out in his bachelor pad apartment

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building with like the indoor outdoor pool that, I mean, it was, it was crazy. It was crazy for us.

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We'd never seen anything like that. And, um, it was fun. You know, we got to see him on the

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weekends and he would spoil us with stuff. And, uh, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and,

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then things with mom got real crazy. And, um, there was a time, uh, when, uh, my mom's sister

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called my dad and said, you got to do something about this. You know, she's, those kids are going

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to end up on the street. They're not being taken care of. They're dirty. They're not being fed.

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I don't really remember any of that, but dad came and got us and, um, they sat us down again. And,

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uh, my older siblings went to their father who was living in California at the time,

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Southern California. And, um, my dad were,

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uh, they told us that we, that my younger sister and I were going to go on a trip,

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like temporary trip, uh, with dad to California, Northern California. And what we didn't know is

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that it was a permanent move. We weren't coming back. And, uh, we left and that was the last time

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I saw, uh, well, I S I saw my mom once about a year later and I did not see her again until I

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was in my early twenties when I got married the first time, because, uh, after we left that she

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didn't have any more responsibilities for anything. And, uh, she just went off the

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deep end and dad would get a call every once in a while that mom was, you know, in the hospital

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again. And, you know, it was, he was, she wasn't his responsibility. He had already done that enough

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times and he washed his hands of her and she was on her own. And, uh, I know for a time that she,

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uh, she got married again and, um, she was off and running. I know that they were homeless. I

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know that they, you know, jumped trains and, um, uh, her life was not good for a long time.

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Once in a while we'd get a crazy call from her and, you know, they would be drunk, but,

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after a few of those times, dad just wouldn't let us talk to her anymore. And, um, you know,

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I felt, uh, I felt different at, uh, from the get-go as a kid, not necessarily because my

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family was a little crazy. Mom was a drunk, um, you know, right outside the gate. As soon as I

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was born, everyone knew I was different because I have a birthmark on my face. And, uh, in Illinois,

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I don't remember it being that big of a deal. We were a small town. So I'd grown up with these

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kids. Everyone knew me. But as soon as we got to California, uh, the cruelty of children, uh,

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blossomed. And I was, uh, the, um, the recipient of, uh, uh, incredibly imaginative names for the

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way I looked. And, um, uh, it was, you know, it was not good. So, uh, you know, that was one way

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that I felt different. And the other way was because I was being raised by a single man,

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which, you know, didn't, wasn't really very common, uh, then. And, um, I just never knew,

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like, what was gonna happen next. Um, you know, I knew my dad loved us a lot, but his actions

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sometimes didn't match, didn't match with, um, what I thought, like, would be a good dad move.

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So, uh, my dad traveled a lot for business. So we were left with strangers and strange being the

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word there. So, um, we were left in situations that weren't safe. And so there was, uh, you know,

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and, and, you know, back then we didn't have, like, outside of the couple of discussions about

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getting divorced.

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And we're moving and things like that. Um, my dad wasn't real honest with us about things that

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were happening in our lives or what was going to happen next. So, um, I was always wondering,

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like, what's going to happen next. Or, um, uh, you know, I would be told he would tell us things

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and then those things wouldn't happen. So I didn't handle disappointment. Well, I didn't trust

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really anything. And I felt very, very, very alone. Like I couldn't trust him to take care of us,

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even though, you know, on the outside he did, we were fed,

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for the most part, we are clothed for the most part. Um, we are, you know, uh, we, you know,

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things were okay, but it was, um, very uncertain, very lonely childhood. And I didn't feel like

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there was anyone I could talk to about any of it. And, um, you know, it went on like that till my,

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uh, dad met my, we call her the step monster. And, uh, you know, just at the perfect time,

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14 years old, I was 14 and I had, uh, been my dad's like,

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um, you know, my, I had like kind of run the house for a number of years since my parents

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were divorced. And this, you know, this strange woman who he'd met overseas, um, on a trip,

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she just showed up and she was going to be our new mom now. And, uh, I'll never, you know,

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I now can feel for this woman and for who she was and how she was feeling in the role she

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had to fill and the, the situation she stepped into. But what I remember most from those early

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days was, I mean, in my mind, it looks like this, she's in our kitchen and she's,

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just tossing our stuff out that she doesn't want to have, like all of our stuff that we had,

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you know, accumulated as dad was a single father. And, um, so that's like a memory that's,

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that sticks with me is just her tossing our stuff that, that might not have been exactly

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what happened. She could have just set a couple of things aside, but in my mind, you know, um,

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oh gosh. And so, you know, I was 14. I was already way too grown up because I had to grow up fast.

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I had to figure out things for myself. I'd had to take care of my sister. Uh, I forgot about

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Australia. So, uh, when I was 12, dad got a job offer in Australia to, um, sort of start this

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business, um, for a company that became Motorola. So he was starting this, this division for them

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in Australia. And, um, my dad, uh, had the bright idea of not enrolling us in school because

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we had flown over, uh, in July. So it was our summer, even though they,

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had year round schools and he just decided not to enroll us in school. And, uh, we stayed there

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for six months. So we're on our own virtually all the time. And dad was single. I mean, he had a

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girlfriend back home, but he's overseas, so it doesn't count anymore. So, uh, you know, he was

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dating there and partying and, you know, he was, uh, this time he was probably in his early thirties

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and he was tall. He was good looking. Disco was like the rage and he had a lot of partying to do.

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So what that looked like for us though, was, you know, getting a call at five o'clock. I'm just

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going to go out for a couple of drinks. And my dad's not an alcoholic. He's, he's virtually

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normie, but he had a lot of, you know, enjoyment to be had. And, you know, I'm going to go out for,

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we're going to go out for dinner, a couple of drinks and I'll see you later. And, you know,

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I wake up at three o'clock in the morning. Dad's not there. I'm sure he's been killed. That was

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like every, to me, it was every day. It might've been once a week. I don't know, but it happened

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to me. It happened all the time. And I'm trying to figure out like at three 30 in the morning,

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okay, so where are our passports? I'm a 12 year old girl, right? Where are our passports? How do

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we get a flight reservation out? Can I finagle a way to get first class? Like how we got out here?

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Who's going to take care of us? How are we going to, so all of that stuff is happening and I'm

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growing up way too fast. So fast forward to step monster and dad get together. And she's got like

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an adult 14 year old girl who doesn't want any part of her instruction or advice or rules. And

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so that made for very interesting household. And she was also a little wired a little differently

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than the rest of us. And, you know, she would say things like she had a premonition of so-and-so's,

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you know, getting shot. Who's the president who was shot in the early eighties? Reagan, right?

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Yeah. So she had, she had had a premonition about his shoot, his, you know, attempted assassination,

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things like that. Other things like, you know, there's an Indian who lives outside and he looks

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in the window. So, you know, not only were we dealing with a woman who was depressed and

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didn't really want kids and didn't like these kids, but she was also a little cuckoo. So,

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you know, I don't remember if the drinking started before the smoking pot, but they sort of went hand

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in hand. I had friends who were doing both of those things. And the first time I remember getting

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drunk was at the party of a friend of a friend and we're all underage, very underage, but the mom of

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that friend of a friend was letting us drink for some reason. Maybe she thought like, if I let them

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drink here under the, you know, under our roof, they won't go and do it somewhere else. But I was

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probably 15 years old. And man, you know, I hear people talk about drinking, you know, starts out

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fun, then it's fun with problems and it's just problems. Mine was never just fun. Mine was

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immediately fun with problems. You know, I remember that night and this is how the rest of my drinking

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went. So I won't tell you about a lot of the...

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Gory stuff. But that night I drink, I get drunk, can't stop drinking. And then I go out in the

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street and harass people driving, you know, their cars by and take off my clothes. So that's kind of

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what happens when I drink. But as I grew up, I also like, you know, stole people's boyfriends

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or will try to, but, you know, didn't understand, you know, the vows of marriage like mine or

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anybody else's.

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Um, you know, there's one pitiful, incomprehensible demoralization after another. I immediately

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started losing friends or just, you know, friends didn't want to hang out with me when I started

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drinking because you never knew what was going to happen. And, um, the way I drank though, it was,

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uh, sort of easy to convince people I didn't really have a problem because I was a periodic.

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So I could go, you know, if I needed to, I could go days or weeks without drinking, or I could

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control it for a couple of days here or there. Um, and there were times when I didn't have a problem.

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There were times where, you know, I did go for a long stretch without getting in any trouble. So,

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you know, I, you know, when people said, would say, you know, you think you should look at your

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drinking or didn't your mother have a drinking problem or things like that go, yeah, but I

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haven't had a drink for two weeks, you know, or, um, you know, we were together last night. I had

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one glass of wine. What's your problem? And, um, you know, uh, I knew like when I took a drink,

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all I wanted to do was just, for me, it was like a switch that was flipped. I just wanted to flip

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that switch and just, you know, I didn't have a problem. And, um, you know, I didn't have a

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let's just go. I did not want to stop. And I thought that it was just a problem of, um, that

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it was just a problem of remembering when to stop that I just couldn't remember that, you know,

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four or five drinks, that's when you stop. And I just thought that it was a problem of memory.

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Um, it didn't, you know, and I really, I, I just thought I, I just forgot when I should stop,

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but I didn't never want it to stop. And it was, um, I also had a,

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sort of a concurrent kind of rage thing going on and it was kind of the same feeling. So, um, you

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know, I couldn't really do that at home when I was a kid. Cause my dad was pretty strict. You didn't

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misbehave, you know, you got in a lot of trouble. So I didn't really misbehave under their roof,

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but, um, uh, the anger part too, was like a, uh, a switch that was flipped. So any excuse that I

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had to just completely go off the deep and in a rage was the same. It gave me the same sort of

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um, but most people will put up with a little drinking, a little bad behavior, but they're not

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going to put up with someone who's rageful all the time. So that was kind of like suppressed a little

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bit. And, uh, the drinking didn't, I didn't think drinking solved my problems. I, for me, drinking

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was just an escape from all that anxiety of the rage to, of the feeling guilty for the stuff that

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I had done that I wanted to forget about, um, of all that unresolved stuff from my childhood that

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you know, um, and you know,

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I would, you know, I would have a good time once in a while. So, or there was always the

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intention of having a good time until then I forgot again, and I was throwing up or blacking

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out. And, um, a lot of my drinking was in, in a blackout. So I don't remember, I don't even

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remember some of this stuff. You know, I'll remember things like, um, you know, being at

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this bar with my friends in Culver city and I'll remember talking and drinking and, uh, you know,

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eating peanuts. And then the next thing I know I'm in the alley and my girlfriend,

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pulling the, on the back of my pants to drag me into the bar. Cause some I'm out there with

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some guy and she's like, what are you trying to get killed? And you know, she's taken me home

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once again, and my car's left somewhere on the street. Cause I can't drive and she's driving

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me home once again. And that just is repeated over and over and over again. Um, I got married

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when I was in my early twenties. Cause I thought, well, we're together. I guess this is what you do

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if you don't break up. And he had the same theory. So that's what we did. And I knew,

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I didn't want to be married. He was a great guy. He was, you know, had his own issues or he was a

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good guy. Um, but I didn't want to be married. And I didn't, I don't think either one of us

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really thought that the marriage thing was going to be a successful endeavor, but we didn't really

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know what to do except forget married. And, um, I think just, you know, my, my being unhappy as

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a married person, we moved out to Agora Hills cause that's, you know, what we could afford.

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And I was commuting, uh, 75, 80 miles a day. And,

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talk about road rage in traffic in LA. I mean, he even says, you know, that that's part of the

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reason why our marriage failed. I'm like, no, it was all the drinking, but, um, you know,

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he had a weird schedule. So he was out late at night with clients and I was home early.

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Well, in the beginning I was home early, so he would get home at eight or nine o'clock and I'd

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have a glass of wine. Well, what he didn't know is I'd already drank a bottle of wine and I was

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working on like the second bottle. And, but it looked like I was just on my first glass.

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And, um, and then as the thing, you know, as we, as we got unhappier and unhappier and more and more

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fights, I started hanging out with people from work more and being, you know, like not showing

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up and that just went on and on and on. And guess what? We got a divorce. Uh, and, um, then, you

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know, that was it. There was no one around to report to, there was no one around to be accountable

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to. And, um, you know, always in the back of my head, there was, um, your mom's an alcoholic,

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maybe you're an alcoholic. Remember the, remember your first roommate who brought you to Alcoholics

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Anonymous. So when I first moved to LA, I had this roommate named Lee. And one day he comes to me

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and says, Hey, you know, I go to these, uh, 12 step meetings. You want to go with me one time?

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I'm like, sure, whatever. Not thinking anything like he and I don't even really have, we're like

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ships in the night, but he's seen something in me. So he takes me to a meeting and I'm like,

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I don't even know what I'm doing there. Is that a famous guy? You know? And that was it. That was

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the only impression that was left.

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And, uh, uh, so, you know, I'm on my own, I'm drinking crazy. And, uh, one morning I'm driving

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home drunk from the night before. And, um, I get in an accident on the freeway. I had, uh, tried

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to change lanes and just clip this guy's bumper. And if that guy had pulled over, I would have

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pulled over, but he didn't, he just kept going. I have no idea who keeps going in LA when you get

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in an accident, but he keeps going and I don't get arrested. I don't get a DUI, but it's a wake

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call because, you know, I go home, I collapse. I go out a few hours later and like tiptoe out to

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the car to see if it's real. And there's the damage on the car. And, um, I call my ex-husband

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cause I know that he's seeing someone who's in the program. Um, and she takes me to an AA meeting.

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And what I love about that is she said, well, yeah, the guy told me it's, uh, is that a club

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house? The guy told me it's at a club house on Pico Boulevard. And if we don't like the meeting,

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we can go across the street to the bar. So that's what we did. And, um,

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sober for a little while. I, um, I didn't get a sponsor. I didn't have a regular meeting. I

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didn't do the steps. Uh, sooner or later I started, uh, the marijuana maintenance program because I

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didn't have a problem with marijuana and you guys were too strict and, uh, I'm not drinking. So that

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should be good enough. And bless his heart. My friend in AA who's, who'd known me, you know,

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before sobriety and after, and he was a few years sober, that guy, he didn't have the guts to tell

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me or didn't, you know, maybe he thought it wasn't his job, but I didn't have the guts to tell him.

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I would take dirty cakes. So like year one, year two, year three, I'm already, I'm not sober. I'm

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smoking pot, right? He takes, he takes me to take a cake at a meeting I've never been to like for

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three years. You know, I just show up at a random meeting, not having been to any meetings at all.

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And I think that's sobriety and I want my cake and my hugs and all of that. And, you know,

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I see people now, like I have a judgment now about that thing. Like if I've never seen you

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before in my life and you show up at my meeting and you take a cake, I'm not sober. I'm not

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going to take a cake and I never see you again. You're on my list, right? So anyway, so, so

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needless to say that sobriety didn't last long, about three and a half years. And it was the

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millennial, you know, thing and it was New Year's Eve, 2000. And I had convinced myself that that

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previous, you know, stint with alcoholism was just a phase and I could handle it. And let me tell

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you, if you haven't slipped.

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I relapsed. I can pretty much guarantee you that you will start where you left off. So if you left

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off in the gutter, very shortly, you will end up there again, if you start drinking or using again.

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So I, you know, my, my, that same AA guy who like, you know, didn't have the guts to slap me around

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a little bit, figuratively speaking, was there that night and I convinced him and he's like,

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oh, sure. It's just a phase. Absolutely. Well, if you want to drink again, that's your, sure.

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Absolutely. Whatever. You know,

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I was around drinking friends, so they were like, yes, she's going to drink again. This is going to

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be great. And, you know, drank again. And I mean, from that first sip of champagne, I was like,

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just, I could just feel like trying to control and enjoy that drink in without going nuts.

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Cause I didn't want to prove them anybody right that I had a real problem. Right. So that whole

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night was like, how many drinks have I had? But that, you know, that night I drive right past my

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house and I'm like, I'm going to drink again. And I'm like, I'm going to drink again. And I'm like,

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because I forgot where it was because I'm almost in blackout. Right. And I'm trying to, you know,

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well, you know, I haven't lived here for long and like, it's only been a year and a half.

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And, um, uh, I was out for a year and my last hurrah was, um, God, I won't even tell that

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story. Anyway, it's, it's New Orleans and it involves a walk of shame. Okay. Came home and,

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um, and got sober again. And this time, um, uh, the woman who's my sponsor now was my,

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my boss then. And I divulged to her what was going on and she and her husband, Harvey took

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me under their wing. And, you know, I, I'd always done everything myself. I still try to do everything

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myself. And I was going to do this sobriety myself. I was going to do it differently. Like

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I was going to go to meetings, get a sponsor, do the steps, but I was going to do it all on my own

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and they wouldn't let me, they took me to, you know, invited me to dinner, to coffee. And I'm

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like, but you don't have to do that. Like, I felt like I was the pity case. I didn't know that this

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is what we do here. Right. And, um, you know, uh, from, from early on from them being inclusive

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and from getting in good with a group of people that I saw all the time. So regular meetings on

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regular meeting nights, right. Starting the steps, you know, uh, Harvey was instrumental in me doing

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my four step, which made, meant that I did the rest of the steps too. Right. And, um, you know,

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having, uh, sober people at work, even though we didn't talk about it openly, there was, you know,

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there was that support system and,

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there were, uh, so during this, you know, in early sobriety, you know, there was kind of a

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pink cloud thing. I got really into like, so the spirituality part, kind of the Christianity sort

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of thing went to church a lot in the beginning there. And then, and then not so much. And, um,

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but there, there were, uh, um, I had several spiritual experiences, um, that, um, told me I

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was in the right place. I was doing the right thing. And that, uh, gave me a brand new connection

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to God for me. Uh, and part of that, uh, part of that, uh, part of that, uh, part of that, uh,

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part of that was that, um, I, I had been, uh,