1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:01,080 I'm not gonna need this. 2 00:00:01,080 --> 00:00:03,120 My name's Brenna and I'm an alcoholic. 3 00:00:05,540 --> 00:00:06,380 Exactly. 4 00:00:07,720 --> 00:00:09,340 So I was late to the meeting, 5 00:00:09,340 --> 00:00:12,140 so I figured I'd be late to the second part of the meeting. 6 00:00:12,140 --> 00:00:13,940 So just kind of sit down. 7 00:00:13,940 --> 00:00:16,570 I apologize for being late. 8 00:00:16,570 --> 00:00:17,770 Glad to be here. 9 00:00:18,730 --> 00:00:21,770 I thank my friend Oscar for asking me to lead. 10 00:00:21,770 --> 00:00:26,090 And I thank Scott for being such a gracious host. 11 00:00:26,090 --> 00:00:26,930 He's really cool. 12 00:00:26,930 --> 00:00:29,590 He showed me around and it was really cool. 13 00:00:29,590 --> 00:00:32,650 And Bridget, thank you so much for your pitch. 14 00:00:32,650 --> 00:00:35,170 I can only imagine what it would be like to live that life. 15 00:00:35,170 --> 00:00:38,110 And the fact that you're sober right now is, it's just, 16 00:00:38,110 --> 00:00:41,430 I guess it's the power of Alcoholics Anonymous 17 00:00:41,430 --> 00:00:44,630 that kind of works in our life no matter what we're doing. 18 00:00:44,630 --> 00:00:47,310 You know, and what we know and what we don't know. 19 00:00:47,310 --> 00:00:49,570 And thanks so much for your, where is he? 20 00:00:50,530 --> 00:00:54,010 Again, that must've been like, my father was awesome. 21 00:00:54,010 --> 00:00:58,010 He, you know, was a guy that is my hero. 22 00:00:58,010 --> 00:01:03,010 And he was just such a great example of what a man and a provider should be. 23 00:01:03,010 --> 00:01:05,510 And I think that was for a few years. 24 00:01:05,510 --> 00:01:10,010 And my friend Chad, he grew up gay in Alabama and we were talking about stories 25 00:01:10,010 --> 00:01:13,610 and he was just like, the same situation. 26 00:01:13,610 --> 00:01:14,870 And now he's in the same story. 27 00:01:14,870 --> 00:01:15,670 So it's all good. 28 00:01:15,670 --> 00:01:21,250 So my sobriety date is May 9th, 1996. 29 00:01:21,250 --> 00:01:23,070 My sponsor is Rich A. 30 00:01:23,070 --> 00:01:25,130 And his sponsor is Tony B. 31 00:01:25,130 --> 00:01:27,950 My home group is the Manning-Tuller Men's Society. 32 00:01:28,010 --> 00:01:29,010 It's in Stag. 33 00:01:29,010 --> 00:01:31,690 It meets from 7 o'clock to 8.30. 34 00:01:31,690 --> 00:01:35,510 It's at the intersection of Fadbrook and Shupe in a church. 35 00:01:35,510 --> 00:01:40,230 It was started in the backyard of a gentleman, his name is Jim S. 36 00:01:40,230 --> 00:01:44,270 And a handful of people, it was one of those coffee and resentment deals. 37 00:01:44,270 --> 00:01:46,450 They took it, started in his backyard. 38 00:01:46,450 --> 00:01:49,510 And now they're 100 strong. 39 00:01:49,510 --> 00:01:55,510 And the sign of a good meeting, I think, is the last meeting, there were 10 newcomers. 40 00:01:55,510 --> 00:01:58,010 Half of them came from Tarzana Treatment Center. 41 00:01:58,010 --> 00:02:02,350 They were picked up by graduates of Tarzana Treatment Center that were now sober. 42 00:02:02,350 --> 00:02:03,350 That's an awesome thing. 43 00:02:03,350 --> 00:02:08,730 There was two 30-day chips, a 90-day chip, a nine-month, and we celebrated three birthdays 44 00:02:08,730 --> 00:02:10,730 totaling 40 years. 45 00:02:10,730 --> 00:02:15,250 We have a commitment at the central office answering phones and I've been answering phones 46 00:02:15,250 --> 00:02:16,250 for a long time. 47 00:02:16,250 --> 00:02:20,430 I don't know why they have people answer phones because we go from 5 to 9 and I think we have 48 00:02:20,430 --> 00:02:21,430 phone calls. 49 00:02:21,430 --> 00:02:25,690 I mean, the internet and all that stuff, I know, Alkies, 20 years ago, dudes were calling 50 00:02:25,690 --> 00:02:26,890 me going, like, what? 51 00:02:26,890 --> 00:02:27,890 What? 52 00:02:28,010 --> 00:02:29,010 What's going on? 53 00:02:29,010 --> 00:02:30,010 What's going on? 54 00:02:30,010 --> 00:02:31,010 What's going on? 55 00:02:31,010 --> 00:02:32,010 What's going on? 56 00:02:32,010 --> 00:02:33,010 What's going on? 57 00:02:33,010 --> 00:02:34,010 I'm rambling. 58 00:02:34,010 --> 00:02:35,010 You know, I'm like a year sober, like trying to navigate this thing and there's signs on 59 00:02:35,010 --> 00:02:36,010 the wall that say, do not talk to Harry. 60 00:02:36,010 --> 00:02:37,010 He's got fire alarms. 61 00:02:37,010 --> 00:02:42,010 And like, if this person is coming out, they call like 30 times a night. 62 00:02:42,010 --> 00:02:50,730 But, you know, not to say like I'm not going to go to school to prepare for the fires and 63 00:02:50,730 --> 00:02:52,770 the smell, but it was different, you know? 64 00:02:52,770 --> 00:02:57,420 And I actually think people who are synonymous are different. 65 00:02:57,420 --> 00:02:58,420 And I need to recognize that. 66 00:02:58,460 --> 00:03:03,460 You know, I have a couple of sponsees that, you know, drugs and opiates and painkillers 67 00:03:03,460 --> 00:03:04,460 were their thing. 68 00:03:04,460 --> 00:03:05,460 And I don't get that. 69 00:03:05,460 --> 00:03:06,460 You know, I lived in Minnesota. 70 00:03:06,460 --> 00:03:07,460 I chewed Copenhagen snuff and drank beer. 71 00:03:07,460 --> 00:03:08,460 Red flannel shirts. 72 00:03:08,460 --> 00:03:09,460 That's kind of how I really am. 73 00:03:09,460 --> 00:03:10,460 So it's just, you know, it is what it is. 74 00:03:10,460 --> 00:03:11,460 So that's my home group. 75 00:03:11,460 --> 00:03:12,460 They probably aren't hungry. 76 00:03:12,460 --> 00:03:13,460 But if you're new, get a home group. 77 00:03:13,460 --> 00:03:14,460 And what a home group it is for those that are new. 78 00:03:14,460 --> 00:03:15,460 And welcome to newcomers. 79 00:03:15,460 --> 00:03:16,460 Can some of you raise your hands? 80 00:03:16,460 --> 00:03:17,460 Guys that are new. 81 00:03:17,460 --> 00:03:18,460 You're in the back. 82 00:03:18,460 --> 00:03:19,460 Exactly. 83 00:03:19,460 --> 00:03:20,460 You're in the back. 84 00:03:20,460 --> 00:03:21,460 You're in the back. 85 00:03:21,460 --> 00:03:22,460 Surprise, surprise. 86 00:03:22,460 --> 00:03:23,460 It's so funny. 87 00:03:23,460 --> 00:03:44,520 One of the first meetings I went to by myself, the meeting that's on Dickens by the Fat 88 00:03:44,520 --> 00:03:48,520 Birdie, that church, was a big Friday night speaker meeting. 89 00:03:48,520 --> 00:03:49,520 And they talked about people. 90 00:03:49,520 --> 00:03:50,520 It was really cool. 91 00:03:50,520 --> 00:03:55,520 Well, I didn't think it was that cool then, because I was in Los Angeles. 92 00:03:55,520 --> 00:03:57,520 I'll talk a little bit about that. 93 00:03:57,520 --> 00:04:01,520 But I was one of those guys that sat, like, on the side. 94 00:04:01,520 --> 00:04:03,520 And I just remember it vividly. 95 00:04:03,520 --> 00:04:07,520 I was sitting in the chair, just wiping out those eyes, like, trying to close my eyes 96 00:04:07,520 --> 00:04:11,520 and not, you know, not even believe it was going on. 97 00:04:11,520 --> 00:04:14,520 Like, if you only have my problems, you'd be this way, too. 98 00:04:14,520 --> 00:04:16,520 And somebody comes in and sits next to me. 99 00:04:16,520 --> 00:04:17,520 He's like, yeah, right? 100 00:04:17,520 --> 00:04:18,520 Like, how's it going? 101 00:04:18,520 --> 00:04:19,520 And I'm like, yeah, I'm fine. 102 00:04:19,520 --> 00:04:20,520 Yeah. 103 00:04:20,520 --> 00:04:22,520 And he's like, he goes, hey, I was there, too. 104 00:04:22,520 --> 00:04:23,520 He's like, guess what? 105 00:04:23,520 --> 00:04:27,520 He goes, just take a deep breath and take it in for an hour and a half. 106 00:04:27,520 --> 00:04:28,520 We don't serve booze here. 107 00:04:28,520 --> 00:04:31,520 You don't have to think about why you got here. 108 00:04:31,520 --> 00:04:32,520 Just hang out. 109 00:04:32,520 --> 00:04:34,520 And I remember that to this day. 110 00:04:34,520 --> 00:04:36,520 I didn't really remember it then. 111 00:04:36,520 --> 00:04:38,520 But standing up here, that just came to me. 112 00:04:38,520 --> 00:04:40,520 And that was the power of Alcoholics Anonymous. 113 00:04:40,520 --> 00:04:44,520 I know for me, you know, it's my responsibility to reach out to newcomers. 114 00:04:44,520 --> 00:04:47,520 And my home group does a great job of that. 115 00:04:47,520 --> 00:04:48,520 And I'm responsible for that. 116 00:04:48,520 --> 00:04:49,520 Because if that man runs out of booze. 117 00:04:49,520 --> 00:04:53,520 If that man maybe just, you know, nudged me and just gave me a little help. 118 00:04:53,520 --> 00:04:56,520 And made me realize that, you know, gosh, maybe I can do this. 119 00:04:56,520 --> 00:04:58,520 That may not have happened. 120 00:04:58,520 --> 00:05:03,520 So, you know, for those of you that have a little time and you're in a home group, reach your hand out. 121 00:05:03,520 --> 00:05:05,520 This, by the way, is awesome. 122 00:05:05,520 --> 00:05:06,520 The Quality of Life. 123 00:05:06,520 --> 00:05:07,520 The Quality of Life. 124 00:05:07,520 --> 00:05:08,520 The Quality of Life. 125 00:05:08,520 --> 00:05:09,520 I mean, absolutely. 126 00:05:09,520 --> 00:05:10,520 We'll get into that now. 127 00:05:10,520 --> 00:05:11,520 Cherry. 128 00:05:11,520 --> 00:05:15,520 Plenty of people came up to me and shook my hand and said, welcome. 129 00:05:15,520 --> 00:05:16,520 Thank you for coming. 130 00:05:16,520 --> 00:05:18,520 What a great testimony of an Alcoholics Anonymous group. 131 00:05:18,520 --> 00:05:19,520 It's awesome. 132 00:05:19,520 --> 00:05:20,520 And I really like that. 133 00:05:20,520 --> 00:05:25,520 Because, you know, I don't think anywhere in the children's steps it says, I. 134 00:05:25,520 --> 00:05:26,520 You need to stop drinking. 135 00:05:26,520 --> 00:05:27,520 You're such an a-hole. 136 00:05:27,520 --> 00:05:28,520 Why are you doing this to me? 137 00:05:28,520 --> 00:05:29,520 Why am I doing this? 138 00:05:29,520 --> 00:05:30,520 Why am I getting, you know, the benefit of the deal? 139 00:05:30,520 --> 00:05:31,520 This is a weird program. 140 00:05:31,520 --> 00:05:32,520 When I first got here, I didn't want anyone's help. 141 00:05:32,520 --> 00:05:33,520 I didn't even know I was an alcoholic. 142 00:05:33,520 --> 00:05:34,520 You know, I was what they call in the book called, I was a periodic. 143 00:05:34,520 --> 00:05:35,520 And I didn't know what that was. 144 00:05:35,520 --> 00:05:36,520 But what I thought it was, was an alcoholic. 145 00:05:36,520 --> 00:05:37,520 And I didn't know what that was. 146 00:05:37,520 --> 00:05:38,520 And I didn't know what that was. 147 00:05:38,520 --> 00:05:39,520 But what I thought it was, was an alcoholic. 148 00:05:39,520 --> 00:05:40,520 And I didn't know what that was. 149 00:05:40,520 --> 00:05:41,520 But what I thought it was, was an alcoholic. 150 00:05:41,520 --> 00:05:42,520 I thought, you know, I don't drink every day. 151 00:05:42,520 --> 00:05:43,520 I'm not under a bridge with Cis Bear, like a brown guy with a Ciscar. 152 00:05:43,520 --> 00:05:44,520 You know, that's not me. 153 00:05:44,520 --> 00:05:45,520 I came from a very, just a wonderful family. 154 00:05:45,520 --> 00:05:46,520 I'm the youngest of seven, Irish Catholic family. 155 00:05:46,520 --> 00:05:47,520 I have a college degree. 156 00:05:47,520 --> 00:05:48,520 I played professional in college sports. 157 00:05:48,520 --> 00:05:49,520 I was a young man. 158 00:05:49,520 --> 00:05:50,520 I was a young man. 159 00:05:50,520 --> 00:05:51,520 I was a young man. 160 00:05:51,520 --> 00:05:52,520 I was a young man. 161 00:05:52,520 --> 00:05:53,520 I was a young man. 162 00:05:53,520 --> 00:05:54,520 I was a young man. 163 00:05:54,520 --> 00:05:55,520 I was a young man. 164 00:05:55,520 --> 00:05:56,520 I was a young man. 165 00:05:56,520 --> 00:05:57,520 I was a young man. 166 00:06:08,520 --> 00:06:09,520 I was a young man. 167 00:06:09,520 --> 00:06:10,520 I was a young man. 168 00:06:11,520 --> 00:06:12,520 I was a young man. 169 00:06:12,520 --> 00:06:13,520 I was a young man. 170 00:06:13,520 --> 00:06:14,520 I was a young man. 171 00:06:14,520 --> 00:06:15,520 You know I'm just a random dude that I would think when I look at somebody like, you know 172 00:06:15,520 --> 00:06:16,520 that person can't be an alcoholic, like what's going on? 173 00:06:16,520 --> 00:06:17,520 My perception of alcoholism and alcoholic was different. 174 00:06:17,520 --> 00:06:18,520 My perception of alcoholism and alcoholic was different and that's not the case. 175 00:06:18,520 --> 00:06:19,520 My perception of alcoholism and alcoholic was different and that's not the case. 176 00:06:19,520 --> 00:06:20,520 Look at everyone here. 177 00:06:20,520 --> 00:06:25,520 Men, women, you know, every you know, age, race, creed, you know, sexual orientation, 178 00:06:25,520 --> 00:06:28,820 preference, whatever, it's it, it's the only… 179 00:06:28,820 --> 00:06:36,760 For me, it's the only land, the only organization that I think is perfect. 180 00:06:36,760 --> 00:06:40,920 When you're in business or in a relationship, there's all these things. 181 00:06:41,080 --> 00:06:48,140 For me, in business or playing sports competitively, if I wasn't playing, I'd hope to God the guy in front of me got injured. 182 00:06:48,760 --> 00:06:52,240 If I was on the team, I mean, I was a team player. 183 00:06:52,620 --> 00:06:54,800 I was into the team. 184 00:06:55,440 --> 00:07:05,940 But in business, if you don't close a deal, if you don't do something, somebody is going to climb up on top of you and they'll tell you anything to get there, whatever it might be. 185 00:07:05,940 --> 00:07:09,240 You know, I guess my point is in Alcoholics Anonymous, it's not that way. 186 00:07:09,720 --> 00:07:12,680 Sometimes I get resentful of people because their lives are really good. 187 00:07:13,040 --> 00:07:17,140 Like, how did that guy get that, like, cool or all this stuff? 188 00:07:17,240 --> 00:07:19,680 And this guy's way too happy for me. 189 00:07:20,220 --> 00:07:23,280 And I've been sober a while, and that still happens. 190 00:07:23,380 --> 00:07:24,960 Like, this guy's way too happy. 191 00:07:25,460 --> 00:07:31,220 At the same time, there's never been a time where even if I did go on, and let me tell you something. 192 00:07:31,220 --> 00:07:35,920 The newcomers, if you don't like, if you like everybody and everybody to your. 193 00:07:35,940 --> 00:08:01,720 I'm going to be in two of these meetings and you're not reaching out to me when I was in a certain thing that was really trippy to sell a big house with, you know, dudes, three dudes, two and all my possessions, you know, came out and it was that was, you know, something for me that was, you know, was really difficult. 194 00:08:01,720 --> 00:08:05,960 And I have, I have a hard time with, you know, I was here and now I'm here. 195 00:08:05,960 --> 00:08:22,960 You know, I do, and I didn't know how to live my life, you know, so the new guys, if you're in here, it's a reason you're here, and I don't know what that is, and your relationship is with your higher power, if you have, if you don't, that's cool too, we can make that work. 196 00:08:22,960 --> 00:08:28,960 If you don't want to be here, let me put it this way, what time is it? 197 00:08:28,960 --> 00:08:34,720 It's like 8, 825 on a Saturday, probably in El Cajon, like most people don't go to. 198 00:08:35,960 --> 00:08:40,960 And choose to do that at 825 on a Saturday night, so, you're in the right place. 199 00:08:40,960 --> 00:08:51,960 And, you know, I mean, and people that are in this meeting say, like, you're in the right place, one day at a time, easy does it, you know, like, I was just like, are you serious? 200 00:08:51,960 --> 00:08:54,960 Like, this kind of stuff, like, is this really going to work? 201 00:08:54,960 --> 00:09:02,960 And so, anyway, I just, I'm just really grateful for Alcoholics Anonymous, I love Alcoholics Anonymous, I love it. 202 00:09:02,960 --> 00:09:04,960 It saved my life. 203 00:09:04,960 --> 00:09:10,960 And if you're new here, it doesn't matter what you did to get here, nobody really cares, it doesn't matter, you know. 204 00:09:10,960 --> 00:09:16,960 What you've done, somebody's done it, or somebody knows somebody that did it, so, you know, don't worry about that either. 205 00:09:16,960 --> 00:09:24,960 So, anyway, it's kind of like, getting all that gratitude out, this is a great meeting, and I feel very welcome. 206 00:09:24,960 --> 00:09:33,960 You know, this is, you know, for me, that's when I get the most joy, my sobriety is reaching my hand out and just saying, hey man, what got you here? 207 00:09:33,960 --> 00:09:44,960 Just listening, you know, just full on chapter seven, working with others, not trying to solve problems, just listening, and identifying, and that may be some experience to somebody. 208 00:09:44,960 --> 00:09:51,960 So, but it's on you guys and ladies to put their hand out, you know, that's the other thing, it's a two-way street. 209 00:09:51,960 --> 00:09:55,960 So, anyway, so, I'll just kind of do a really brief thing. 210 00:09:55,960 --> 00:09:59,960 I don't like drinking because I tend to ramble a lot just about stuff. 211 00:09:59,960 --> 00:10:03,960 I have a friend of mine that's like, Brandon, you, you, what is it? 212 00:10:03,960 --> 00:10:14,960 You overemphasize the bullshit and underemphasize the truth, you know, and I don't deal with it as much now. 213 00:10:14,960 --> 00:10:21,960 There's a beautiful woman here that I'm pointing at that might beg to differ, but, and that's where we are. 214 00:10:21,960 --> 00:10:24,960 I mean, plain and simply, I was fed of ass when I got here. 215 00:10:24,960 --> 00:10:25,960 Didn't know how to live my life, nothing. 216 00:10:25,960 --> 00:10:28,960 I was the youngest of seven, grew up in Minnesota. 217 00:10:28,960 --> 00:10:31,960 First drink was at 16 years old. 218 00:10:31,960 --> 00:10:33,960 I played ice hockey. 219 00:10:33,960 --> 00:10:38,960 That's what you did in Minnesota, you know, snowmobiles, ice fish, or play ice hockey, so that's what I did. 220 00:10:38,960 --> 00:10:43,960 So, we were at a tournament in Canada, and we gave some dude like 25 bucks to buy us beer. 221 00:10:43,960 --> 00:10:49,960 Get back to the hotel, and we put it, you know, you know, on the ice bank, and we just, I drank it. 222 00:10:49,960 --> 00:10:52,960 And so, my first sip, and that beer was Strohs. 223 00:10:52,960 --> 00:10:54,960 Does anybody have a Strohs? 224 00:10:54,960 --> 00:10:57,960 Yeah, that's pretty solid, pretty solid beer there. 225 00:10:57,960 --> 00:10:59,960 Yeah, not necessarily a craft beer. 226 00:10:59,960 --> 00:11:02,960 I think we, I think we got like 10 cases for 25 bucks. 227 00:11:02,960 --> 00:11:10,960 So, I drank it, and that unbelievable feeling just hit me, that feeling, call it a social lubricant. 228 00:11:10,960 --> 00:11:12,960 It was just something that, that hit me. 229 00:11:12,960 --> 00:11:18,960 And I felt, I felt a part of it, and I felt like I could just kind of be myself. 230 00:11:18,960 --> 00:11:20,960 My skin was off. 231 00:11:20,960 --> 00:11:22,960 And I had a few reasons to drink. 232 00:11:22,960 --> 00:11:28,960 And there was a reason to drink, and there was a reason to work every single time. 233 00:11:28,960 --> 00:11:30,960 I know later that I had to work the steps to feel better. 234 00:11:30,960 --> 00:11:34,960 And I had to work the steps to find out what exactly it was. 235 00:11:34,960 --> 00:11:38,960 But some of the things, you know, I thought I had great reasons to drink, just like we all do. 236 00:11:38,960 --> 00:11:40,960 You know, if you only had this, if you only had that. 237 00:11:40,960 --> 00:11:46,960 For me, one of them was being molested by a male family member at 10 years old, who I loved. 238 00:11:46,960 --> 00:11:47,960 Keeping that a secret. 239 00:11:47,960 --> 00:11:48,960 I liked it. 240 00:11:48,960 --> 00:11:49,960 It felt good. 241 00:11:49,960 --> 00:11:51,960 So, I thought, I was gay, not that it matters. 242 00:11:51,960 --> 00:11:53,960 But I was like, why is this, you know. 243 00:11:53,960 --> 00:11:59,960 And at 10 years old, you know, I look back on it from the first kind of started therapy. 244 00:11:59,960 --> 00:12:01,960 I got into the program when I was 28. 245 00:12:01,960 --> 00:12:06,960 You know, he said, you can't look at this situation from a 28-year-old brain, you know. 246 00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:08,960 You were a 10-year-old boy, you know. 247 00:12:08,960 --> 00:12:12,960 And on a scale of 1 to 10, you know, this guy treated 11s. 248 00:12:12,960 --> 00:12:15,960 Like sickening, horrible things. 249 00:12:15,960 --> 00:12:17,960 But it was on that scale, you know, it happened. 250 00:12:17,960 --> 00:12:20,960 And so, that was a really, one of the reasons. 251 00:12:20,960 --> 00:12:22,960 And just, I grew up in an Irish Catholic family. 252 00:12:22,960 --> 00:12:26,960 And not to stereotype, but, you know, share our feelings. 253 00:12:26,960 --> 00:12:28,960 Everything was swept under the rug. 254 00:12:28,960 --> 00:12:31,960 Hopefully, it didn't blow up, but it was swept under the rug. 255 00:12:31,960 --> 00:12:35,960 My dad did some stuff, you know, here with the Irish. 256 00:12:35,960 --> 00:12:37,960 And it was swept under the rug. 257 00:12:37,960 --> 00:12:40,960 And I didn't find out about it until there was an article in the paper. 258 00:12:40,960 --> 00:12:44,960 And that's kind of how I went through sometimes still. 259 00:12:44,960 --> 00:12:47,960 You know, my first reaction is to do that. 260 00:12:47,960 --> 00:12:50,960 So, fast forward to Snowbank. 261 00:12:50,960 --> 00:12:51,960 This was the perfect man. 262 00:12:51,960 --> 00:12:52,960 This was like an elixir. 263 00:12:52,960 --> 00:12:54,960 It was snowing hot. 264 00:12:54,960 --> 00:12:55,960 I was with my friends. 265 00:12:55,960 --> 00:12:56,960 Drank a beer. 266 00:12:56,960 --> 00:12:57,960 Drank another one. 267 00:12:57,960 --> 00:12:58,960 It was awesome. 268 00:12:58,960 --> 00:12:59,960 Drank the third one. 269 00:12:59,960 --> 00:13:01,960 And just hurled, like, right out my key. 270 00:13:01,960 --> 00:13:04,990 Like, right, you know. 271 00:13:04,990 --> 00:13:07,990 And I don't know if there are any doctors in here. 272 00:13:07,990 --> 00:13:13,990 But from what I understand, if you throw up, that means your body is telling you you're ingesting poison. 273 00:13:13,990 --> 00:13:16,990 So, that's the body's way of getting the poison out. 274 00:13:16,990 --> 00:13:20,990 So, as I did on Kashyyyk, what I did was, I was like, all right. 275 00:13:20,990 --> 00:13:23,990 Took a little slow, kind of, and just drank another one, you know. 276 00:13:23,990 --> 00:13:26,990 And that kind of started, that was my first drink. 277 00:13:26,990 --> 00:13:29,990 So, at that point, I drank a lot. 278 00:13:29,990 --> 00:13:33,990 My last drink was when I was trying to eat, like, in, like, in April. 279 00:13:33,990 --> 00:13:36,990 I was at a trade convention in Kansas City. 280 00:13:36,990 --> 00:13:41,990 And I have some mental health issues, which I will probably go into a little bit. 281 00:13:41,990 --> 00:13:42,990 I'm treated. 282 00:13:42,990 --> 00:13:48,990 And so, I was sitting in this room, all depressed, and really having a hard time. 283 00:13:48,990 --> 00:13:49,990 And I said, I'm not going to drink tonight. 284 00:13:49,990 --> 00:13:50,990 I'm just not going to drink. 285 00:13:50,990 --> 00:13:51,990 I'm not going to drink. 286 00:13:51,990 --> 00:13:52,990 I'm not going to drink. 287 00:13:52,990 --> 00:13:53,990 And the guy came knocking on the door. 288 00:13:53,990 --> 00:13:54,990 He's like, hey, man, let's go. 289 00:13:54,990 --> 00:13:55,990 And I'm like, I can't. 290 00:13:55,990 --> 00:13:56,990 I'm not going to. 291 00:13:56,990 --> 00:13:57,990 I'm not going to. 292 00:13:57,990 --> 00:13:58,990 And I went. 293 00:13:58,990 --> 00:13:59,990 Somehow, I just went. 294 00:13:59,990 --> 00:14:03,990 I probably had, you know, not to talk about, like, how much I can drink. 295 00:14:03,990 --> 00:14:04,990 Nobody cares. 296 00:14:04,990 --> 00:14:09,990 But I probably had 15 or 20 drinks in the span of four years when I was stone cold sober. 297 00:14:09,990 --> 00:14:10,990 I couldn't get drunk. 298 00:14:10,990 --> 00:14:12,990 I just, there wasn't enough. 299 00:14:12,990 --> 00:14:17,990 And so, when I looked back, that started my journey in Alcoholics Anonymous. 300 00:14:17,990 --> 00:14:20,990 So, I started drinking Lele Effect. 301 00:14:20,990 --> 00:14:24,990 And then I ended drinking just in a whole break. 302 00:14:24,990 --> 00:14:25,990 I can't stop. 303 00:14:25,990 --> 00:14:26,990 I want to stop. 304 00:14:26,990 --> 00:14:27,990 But I can't. 305 00:14:27,990 --> 00:14:28,990 And I'm afraid to. 306 00:14:28,990 --> 00:14:33,990 And there's a page, like, page 23, I think, it talks about the different kinds of alcoholics. 307 00:14:33,990 --> 00:14:37,990 And my first sponsor pointed this out because I tried to get, slip through the, you know, 308 00:14:37,990 --> 00:14:38,990 the cracks of the periodic. 309 00:14:38,990 --> 00:14:39,990 Like, hey, my man's fine. 310 00:14:39,990 --> 00:14:40,990 My family's fine. 311 00:14:40,990 --> 00:14:41,990 I don't drink all the time. 312 00:14:41,990 --> 00:14:42,990 And he's like, so, when you drink, do you drink to get drunk? 313 00:14:42,990 --> 00:14:43,990 I'm like, are you serious? 314 00:14:43,990 --> 00:14:44,990 Like, seriously? 315 00:14:44,990 --> 00:14:45,990 He's like, yeah. 316 00:14:45,990 --> 00:14:46,990 I mean, that's, why would you? 317 00:14:46,990 --> 00:14:47,990 And he's like, when you start, do you have a hard time stopping? 318 00:14:47,990 --> 00:14:48,990 I go, no. 319 00:14:48,990 --> 00:14:49,990 I don't stop. 320 00:14:49,990 --> 00:14:50,990 I mean, there's not, it's not a hard time. 321 00:14:50,990 --> 00:14:51,990 I just don't stop. 322 00:14:51,990 --> 00:14:52,990 And so, he directed me to that big book. 323 00:14:52,990 --> 00:14:53,990 There's a difference between the social drinker. 324 00:14:53,990 --> 00:14:54,990 And we'll see those a-holes at holiday parties that will sell, oops, a glass of wine. 325 00:14:54,990 --> 00:14:55,990 There's actually half of it left. 326 00:14:55,990 --> 00:14:56,990 If you make a buy, that's a good deal. 327 00:14:56,990 --> 00:14:57,990 Come on. 328 00:14:57,990 --> 00:14:58,990 So, and then the heavy drinkers, I had a couple of friends that are heavy drinkers 329 00:14:58,990 --> 00:14:59,990 that drank kind of like I did. 330 00:14:59,990 --> 00:15:00,990 They got after me. 331 00:15:00,990 --> 00:15:01,990 They got after me. 332 00:15:01,990 --> 00:15:02,990 And I had a couple of friends that were heavy drinkers that drank kind of like I did. 333 00:15:02,990 --> 00:15:03,990 They got after me. 334 00:15:03,990 --> 00:15:19,020 They got after me. 335 00:15:19,020 --> 00:15:22,440 But somehow, their life managed to stay together. 336 00:15:22,440 --> 00:15:24,260 Then there's me. 337 00:15:24,260 --> 00:15:27,720 I'm that guy that they say in the book that somehow, suddenly I crossed that line. 338 00:15:27,720 --> 00:15:29,720 There's this line and I cross it. 339 00:15:29,720 --> 00:15:33,020 And it's a line that I can't stop drinking. 340 00:15:33,020 --> 00:15:34,020 And I can't stop what I drink. 341 00:15:34,020 --> 00:15:37,000 I drink to get drunk, and I don't know if it's going to happen. 342 00:15:37,100 --> 00:15:43,300 And it says in the book that it's reserved for that class. 343 00:15:43,500 --> 00:15:45,840 Like, I'm in that class of drinker. 344 00:15:45,920 --> 00:15:46,500 I'm an alcoholic. 345 00:15:46,760 --> 00:15:47,480 So I know that. 346 00:15:48,100 --> 00:15:55,760 So basically, my sister tendered a letter of resignation to my boss in Minnesota. 347 00:15:56,060 --> 00:15:57,740 She's an attorney, and she's awesome. 348 00:15:57,880 --> 00:16:00,100 She's the one that got me here, and I love her very much. 349 00:16:00,100 --> 00:16:05,980 And if it wasn't for her persistence and love and support, I wouldn't have been able to start my journey in Alcoholics Anonymous. 350 00:16:06,280 --> 00:16:08,120 She's an attorney, and she had a file on me. 351 00:16:08,280 --> 00:16:10,860 Like, literally, like a, you know, they have a video-sized file. 352 00:16:11,280 --> 00:16:16,220 And she called me up and said that it was like, like, this artist, like, my brother came to visit me. 353 00:16:16,300 --> 00:16:18,480 And, like, everyone's like, and I'm laughing at it now. 354 00:16:18,580 --> 00:16:21,420 If you've heard this and you're fairly new, I get it. 355 00:16:21,500 --> 00:16:23,640 It sucks, and hopefully you'll get through it. 356 00:16:23,640 --> 00:16:27,780 And then maybe you can speak about how funny it was, you know, a few years later. 357 00:16:28,580 --> 00:16:29,920 She called me up. 358 00:16:29,920 --> 00:16:31,480 And it was that night in Kansas City. 359 00:16:31,840 --> 00:16:36,180 She called me up the next day, and she's like, my brother took a flight to come see me. 360 00:16:36,300 --> 00:16:39,600 I'm like, hey, man, I love you so much, but you're an alcoholic. 361 00:16:39,600 --> 00:16:41,500 And I'm like, are you kidding me? 362 00:16:41,520 --> 00:16:43,040 I'm like, what are you doing flying? 363 00:16:43,120 --> 00:16:44,840 I go, you're just as bad as me. 364 00:16:44,900 --> 00:16:46,940 I'm like, I just had so much anger and resentment. 365 00:16:47,220 --> 00:16:48,080 My sister called me. 366 00:16:48,120 --> 00:16:49,440 She's like, hi, Brennan, how are you? 367 00:16:49,640 --> 00:16:51,360 I'm like, I'm not doing so well. 368 00:16:52,000 --> 00:16:54,560 It sucks, and, you know, all this stuff. 369 00:16:54,660 --> 00:16:55,160 And we did it. 370 00:16:55,180 --> 00:16:55,780 It was awful. 371 00:16:56,140 --> 00:16:56,840 You know, it was awful. 372 00:16:57,300 --> 00:16:59,680 I was made at 20. 373 00:16:59,920 --> 00:17:01,020 I was, like, 27. 374 00:17:01,520 --> 00:17:04,720 And, you know, it was, you know, this is definitely a family disease. 375 00:17:05,040 --> 00:17:06,480 I was married for 17 years. 376 00:17:06,480 --> 00:17:10,920 But those first couple of years, you know, my ex-wife had a really hard time with it 377 00:17:10,920 --> 00:17:13,440 because there was mental illness and drinking and all that stuff. 378 00:17:13,700 --> 00:17:17,140 So my sister's like, hey, so have you been trying to kill yourself last week? 379 00:17:17,500 --> 00:17:20,140 You know, like, seriously, like, it was just a note in her file. 380 00:17:20,640 --> 00:17:22,300 Yes, that's correct, counselor. 381 00:17:23,380 --> 00:17:24,620 So here's what I'm going to do. 382 00:17:24,720 --> 00:17:27,360 I've got a ticket for you and Martha. 383 00:17:27,640 --> 00:17:29,400 You're going to fly with me at the same time. 384 00:17:29,400 --> 00:17:31,360 And tomorrow night, I'm going to pick you up in L.A. 385 00:17:31,360 --> 00:17:32,420 She lives in Studio City. 386 00:17:32,640 --> 00:17:33,720 And then you're going to go to the therapy. 387 00:17:33,940 --> 00:17:37,200 And she literally just, it was literally like, you know, she just took notes. 388 00:17:37,320 --> 00:17:42,180 And I'm like, and she goes, can you please give me the address of where you work and who, you know, who this is? 389 00:17:42,280 --> 00:17:43,820 And that's what happened. 390 00:17:43,900 --> 00:17:45,960 She just tendered away at my label of resignation. 391 00:17:46,560 --> 00:17:49,960 I got out to, you know, Studio City. 392 00:17:49,960 --> 00:17:57,700 You guys know in Studio City, I think it's between maybe Colfax, that handy car wash, that big, huge hand. 393 00:17:57,920 --> 00:17:59,360 She lived, like, right above it. 394 00:17:59,400 --> 00:18:00,140 On Bailey Avenue. 395 00:18:00,700 --> 00:18:03,520 And so I didn't really know California much. 396 00:18:03,580 --> 00:18:04,940 My sisters went to USC. 397 00:18:05,760 --> 00:18:06,600 And I watched around. 398 00:18:07,140 --> 00:18:08,100 It was not a $200. 399 00:18:08,460 --> 00:18:10,660 So I, you know, I was all dialed in. 400 00:18:11,680 --> 00:18:14,180 So she took care of me, you know. 401 00:18:14,240 --> 00:18:15,680 She took me to a therapist. 402 00:18:15,840 --> 00:18:19,360 And the therapist, we talked a little bit about my mental illness. 403 00:18:19,360 --> 00:18:22,260 And we talked about ways that I could get help. 404 00:18:22,580 --> 00:18:24,380 We talked about what happened to me. 405 00:18:24,580 --> 00:18:28,560 And the first thing he said was, I need to go to AA as well. 406 00:18:28,820 --> 00:18:29,360 You know, I can't. 407 00:18:29,360 --> 00:18:32,980 I can't treat you because you can do some of this stuff and you just can't. 408 00:18:33,060 --> 00:18:33,860 You have to be sober. 409 00:18:34,080 --> 00:18:35,100 And you have to go to meetings. 410 00:18:35,160 --> 00:18:37,340 And my sister was, like, just so awesome. 411 00:18:37,780 --> 00:18:39,720 And she took me to my first meeting. 412 00:18:39,980 --> 00:18:41,100 It's not my part of the meeting. 413 00:18:41,440 --> 00:18:43,960 The church, though, they have meetings all the time there. 414 00:18:44,120 --> 00:18:44,640 I was together. 415 00:18:44,980 --> 00:18:47,060 I was, I came up to the meeting. 416 00:18:47,420 --> 00:18:48,120 It was like this. 417 00:18:48,180 --> 00:18:50,500 Like, you walk in and there's so many people there. 418 00:18:50,600 --> 00:18:51,340 I'm happy to see you. 419 00:18:51,400 --> 00:18:51,840 I was like this. 420 00:18:51,880 --> 00:18:53,960 It was literally like in the back. 421 00:18:54,040 --> 00:18:55,340 Like, I was on the threshold. 422 00:18:56,160 --> 00:18:57,860 Foot in and one foot out. 423 00:18:57,860 --> 00:18:59,200 And somebody came up to me. 424 00:18:59,200 --> 00:18:59,260 And she was like, I'm sorry. 425 00:18:59,260 --> 00:18:59,320 I'm sorry. 426 00:18:59,360 --> 00:19:02,560 Just like 20 people here did and said, hey, how you doing? 427 00:19:02,680 --> 00:19:03,600 There's a seat right there. 428 00:19:03,760 --> 00:19:03,920 You know? 429 00:19:04,000 --> 00:19:08,900 And that started for me the journey of, you know, basically what happened after that was 430 00:19:08,900 --> 00:19:10,140 I went to that meeting. 431 00:19:10,680 --> 00:19:13,660 I saw a couple of other men that came up to me. 432 00:19:14,040 --> 00:19:16,340 And people just started taking me to meetings. 433 00:19:16,800 --> 00:19:18,460 They started taking me all over the place. 434 00:19:18,800 --> 00:19:20,100 And I didn't know that's what we did. 435 00:19:20,380 --> 00:19:21,540 I do it all the time now. 436 00:19:21,860 --> 00:19:24,180 I mean, now I know that's just what we do. 437 00:19:24,320 --> 00:19:27,460 And I thought, I honestly thought it was like God's looking out for me. 438 00:19:27,460 --> 00:19:28,960 You know, like, oh, my God. 439 00:19:28,960 --> 00:19:29,740 This is crazy. 440 00:19:30,320 --> 00:19:33,400 It was, you know, it was like a spiritual awakening. 441 00:19:33,580 --> 00:19:34,580 But it was for me. 442 00:19:34,700 --> 00:19:35,660 It really was. 443 00:19:36,060 --> 00:19:37,880 Like, I was walking to a meeting once. 444 00:19:37,940 --> 00:19:40,740 And some dude pulled up and said, hey, I saw you at the meeting. 445 00:19:40,940 --> 00:19:41,820 Let me give you a ride. 446 00:19:41,900 --> 00:19:46,800 And that, honestly, you don't have to have some big, big, big white light experience. 447 00:19:46,920 --> 00:19:47,640 That was God. 448 00:19:47,780 --> 00:19:52,380 You know, that was my higher power doing for me what I couldn't do for myself through 449 00:19:52,380 --> 00:19:53,660 men like you. 450 00:19:53,660 --> 00:19:55,360 I mean, this is, for me, this is God. 451 00:19:55,520 --> 00:19:57,240 To see men so well. 452 00:19:57,480 --> 00:19:58,440 Mending families. 453 00:19:58,440 --> 00:19:59,440 Mending relationships. 454 00:19:59,440 --> 00:20:00,440 Going to work on time. 455 00:20:00,440 --> 00:20:01,440 And being productive members of society. 456 00:20:01,440 --> 00:20:02,440 That's what, that's what this is all about. 457 00:20:02,440 --> 00:20:03,440 You know? 458 00:20:03,440 --> 00:20:04,440 And so, I started building my first home. 459 00:20:04,440 --> 00:20:05,440 It was a med stack. 460 00:20:05,440 --> 00:20:06,440 It was the, it was the, what the heck is the name of it? 461 00:20:06,440 --> 00:20:07,440 I didn't write the name of it. 462 00:20:07,440 --> 00:20:08,440 Maybe that's why I forgot. 463 00:20:08,440 --> 00:20:09,440 Yeah. 464 00:20:09,440 --> 00:20:10,440 It was a gathering of men. 465 00:20:10,440 --> 00:20:11,440 I'm like, really? 466 00:20:11,440 --> 00:20:12,440 This is like, wait a minute. 467 00:20:12,440 --> 00:20:13,440 That's, that's, that's ingenious. 468 00:20:13,440 --> 00:20:14,570 A gathering of men. 469 00:20:14,570 --> 00:20:15,570 Like, what are we? 470 00:20:15,570 --> 00:20:16,570 What are we? 471 00:20:16,570 --> 00:20:17,570 Boats? 472 00:20:17,570 --> 00:20:18,570 Like, what are we? 473 00:20:18,570 --> 00:20:19,570 Boats? 474 00:20:19,570 --> 00:20:20,570 Boats? 475 00:20:20,570 --> 00:20:21,570 Boats? 476 00:20:21,570 --> 00:20:22,570 Boats? 477 00:20:22,570 --> 00:20:23,570 Like, up in the mountains? 478 00:20:23,570 --> 00:20:24,570 Anyway, that meeting saved my life. 479 00:20:24,570 --> 00:20:25,570 I found my sponsor there. 480 00:20:25,570 --> 00:20:26,570 I started working the steps. 481 00:20:26,570 --> 00:20:27,570 And the first thing I did was I went to be of service with my sponsor. 482 00:20:27,570 --> 00:20:28,570 He said, come to my house. 483 00:20:28,570 --> 00:20:29,570 We're having a party. 484 00:20:29,570 --> 00:20:30,570 I need your help. 485 00:20:30,570 --> 00:20:31,570 He didn't give me a ride. 486 00:20:31,570 --> 00:20:32,570 I had to take a bus. 487 00:20:32,570 --> 00:20:33,570 And he, I was in Studio City. 488 00:20:33,570 --> 00:20:34,570 He was in Burbank. 489 00:20:34,570 --> 00:20:35,570 Had no idea how the bus system worked. 490 00:20:35,570 --> 00:20:36,570 Whatever. 491 00:20:36,570 --> 00:20:37,570 So, I did that. 492 00:20:37,570 --> 00:20:38,570 I got home. 493 00:20:38,570 --> 00:20:39,570 I was so living house after 60 days. 494 00:20:39,570 --> 00:20:40,570 And I was like, I'm going to be a part of this. 495 00:20:40,570 --> 00:20:41,570 I'm going to be a part of this. 496 00:20:41,570 --> 00:20:42,570 I'm going to be a part of this. 497 00:20:42,570 --> 00:20:43,570 I'm going to be a part of this. 498 00:20:43,570 --> 00:20:44,570 And got a job at Play It Against Boats in Studio City. 499 00:20:44,570 --> 00:20:45,570 Sharpening skates. 500 00:20:45,570 --> 00:20:46,570 I used my professional hockey career to really good use by sharpening skates. 501 00:20:46,570 --> 00:20:47,570 It was. 502 00:20:47,570 --> 00:20:48,570 I could tell you anything you needed about hockey gear. 503 00:20:48,570 --> 00:20:49,570 That was, that was cool. 504 00:20:49,570 --> 00:20:50,570 And that would be five bucks an hour. 505 00:20:50,570 --> 00:20:51,570 And, don't you know I was a former athlete and a professional in business. 506 00:20:51,570 --> 00:20:52,570 And I was a salesman. 507 00:20:52,570 --> 00:20:53,570 And I was a salesman. 508 00:20:53,570 --> 00:20:54,570 And I was a salesman. 509 00:20:54,570 --> 00:20:55,570 And I was a salesman. 510 00:20:55,570 --> 00:20:56,570 And I was a salesman. 511 00:20:56,570 --> 00:20:57,570 And I was a salesman. 512 00:20:57,570 --> 00:20:58,570 And I was a salesman. 513 00:20:58,570 --> 00:20:59,570 But I was a salesman. 514 00:20:59,570 --> 00:21:00,570 I was a salesman. 515 00:21:00,570 --> 00:21:01,570 But I was a salesman. 516 00:21:01,570 --> 00:21:30,010 I was talking to my sponsor and I asked him for help 517 00:21:30,010 --> 00:21:34,870 so if you're new here you've kind of asked for help at kind of a spiritual level I don't know 518 00:21:34,870 --> 00:21:38,750 what got you here maybe it's a quote card maybe somebody said you need to be here maybe you got 519 00:21:38,750 --> 00:21:42,930 a problem you need help that was the hardest thing for me to do to ask for help you know 520 00:21:42,930 --> 00:21:47,970 because it started with a young age in the family there was no way I was going to ask for help or 521 00:21:47,970 --> 00:21:53,270 tell anybody anything and that's you know that's gotten a lot better um so I started going to that 522 00:21:53,270 --> 00:21:59,530 meeting it met every day at 7 30 I was working at play against sports working my steps every day 523 00:21:59,530 --> 00:22:04,690 because I was taking a bus so again you may not look at that as a spiritual experience but if I 524 00:22:04,690 --> 00:22:10,090 wasn't taking the bus a half hour two times a day I wouldn't have been writing my step work 525 00:22:10,090 --> 00:22:17,430 my sponsor was the autobiographical kind when I was writing he said pen to paper is just really 526 00:22:17,430 --> 00:22:22,590 visceral and I totally believe that um so I was able to write write write write write write 527 00:22:22,590 --> 00:22:28,230 and so in the middle of service answering phones many times we're supposed to answer phones it's 528 00:22:28,230 --> 00:22:29,350 like you're 529 00:22:29,350 --> 00:22:33,370 coming with me I go well I don't have six months like you're supposed to have six months to answer 530 00:22:33,370 --> 00:22:38,710 phones he goes get in the car you dumbass you know like you can probably tell these guys when 531 00:22:38,710 --> 00:22:44,330 you could ever tell them and I was on other panels like that too but what ended up happening is I 532 00:22:44,330 --> 00:22:51,370 started to become um I had a relationship with God um I love religion I think religion is awesome 533 00:22:51,370 --> 00:22:58,110 I think anything I can do to enhance our spiritual life whatever that may look like um for me my 534 00:22:58,110 --> 00:22:59,330 journey is about their spiritual life and I think that's what I'm going to do for the rest of my life 535 00:22:59,350 --> 00:23:09,670 you know I call God but it's a spiritual thing AA is is is really my religion because that's you 536 00:23:09,670 --> 00:23:16,010 know how I you know that's where I get the most gratitude and so doing these things and slowly but surely I'm in a situation where 537 00:23:16,010 --> 00:23:22,370 I got a phone call from like the main guy this meeting this guy's name was Edward he's he's no longer with us 538 00:23:22,370 --> 00:23:25,290 Hardcore good selling thumping people through to Attica prison for years and years and the guy's the sweetest God and I mean like literally, he's not gonna make it to the funeral 539 00:23:25,290 --> 00:23:27,410 He's like ugh I'm like ugh I'm not gonna make it to the funeral 540 00:23:27,410 --> 00:23:29,870 for years and years, and the guy's the sweetest guy ever. 541 00:23:30,450 --> 00:23:34,690 He called me, and he'd be like, 542 00:23:34,810 --> 00:23:37,150 and I'm like, come on, man. 543 00:23:37,350 --> 00:23:39,630 He basically didn't call people their names 544 00:23:39,630 --> 00:23:41,450 until we were six months old, you know? 545 00:23:41,730 --> 00:23:43,890 It was pretty funny because it was, 546 00:23:44,290 --> 00:23:48,270 I wouldn't do that, but it was like an endowment thing, 547 00:23:48,370 --> 00:23:50,430 and I left the meeting early, and he called me. 548 00:23:50,530 --> 00:23:51,210 He's like, are you okay? 549 00:23:51,430 --> 00:23:52,590 Like, why'd you leave the meeting? 550 00:23:52,710 --> 00:23:54,030 So then he would come in at the end, 551 00:23:54,030 --> 00:23:54,810 and I missed the meeting. 552 00:23:54,990 --> 00:23:55,730 He goes, hey, what's up? 553 00:23:55,730 --> 00:23:59,450 I was like, it was GSR, actually. 554 00:23:59,910 --> 00:24:02,750 I mean, it looks like this meeting participates in all that. 555 00:24:03,390 --> 00:24:05,250 GSR was not my jam. 556 00:24:05,590 --> 00:24:06,610 It was not. 557 00:24:07,010 --> 00:24:08,710 He goes, that was a good thing. 558 00:24:08,830 --> 00:24:10,670 You're going to be three years old when you're done. 559 00:24:10,770 --> 00:24:12,270 Three years old, you've got to be real. 560 00:24:12,650 --> 00:24:14,270 I felt like it was right on. 561 00:24:14,610 --> 00:24:15,630 That's at Sunhood. 562 00:24:15,730 --> 00:24:17,530 Thank you so much for volunteering. 563 00:24:18,410 --> 00:24:21,450 But that kind of stuff, for me, 564 00:24:21,770 --> 00:24:23,570 really was my foundation. 565 00:24:24,030 --> 00:24:25,710 I had solid men in the program. 566 00:24:25,870 --> 00:24:26,450 I had a sponsor. 567 00:24:26,630 --> 00:24:27,510 I worked my steps. 568 00:24:27,710 --> 00:24:30,850 And if you're new, I went to a step study meeting 569 00:24:30,850 --> 00:24:33,930 on Saturdays from 10 to 11, and it was on the fifth step. 570 00:24:34,150 --> 00:24:36,010 And one of the things my sponsor did 571 00:24:36,010 --> 00:24:37,730 that he took such great care with, 572 00:24:37,790 --> 00:24:38,930 he said, just start it. 573 00:24:39,010 --> 00:24:40,550 And don't worry about the guys that are new. 574 00:24:40,650 --> 00:24:41,410 Don't worry about it. 575 00:24:41,450 --> 00:24:44,310 But he just said, just write stuff down, you know, 576 00:24:44,330 --> 00:24:45,630 and get it out, you know. 577 00:24:45,710 --> 00:24:47,390 What we're trying to do is just, you know, 578 00:24:47,390 --> 00:24:51,410 and you may not even know some of the biggest things, 579 00:24:51,830 --> 00:24:53,090 or some of the biggest secrets, 580 00:24:53,210 --> 00:24:55,470 or some of the things that are right in front of your face. 581 00:24:55,730 --> 00:24:56,630 You may not even address, 582 00:24:56,730 --> 00:24:57,770 because you may not be able to. 583 00:24:57,830 --> 00:24:58,370 Just stutter. 584 00:24:58,510 --> 00:24:59,290 Just start writing. 585 00:24:59,510 --> 00:25:01,750 And when I met for my fifth step, 586 00:25:01,870 --> 00:25:02,670 it was like, 587 00:25:02,810 --> 00:25:06,530 I was already having a two-month event on a back-to-back fee. 588 00:25:06,870 --> 00:25:08,450 I was, I'm like, seriously? 589 00:25:08,750 --> 00:25:10,410 And the thing that he did, 590 00:25:10,510 --> 00:25:12,230 I was so scared, you know. 591 00:25:12,270 --> 00:25:14,670 I didn't want to tell him some of these things, you know. 592 00:25:14,770 --> 00:25:17,510 I didn't, I was just so ashamed about some stuff, 593 00:25:17,510 --> 00:25:19,050 and there was a lot of people I hurt. 594 00:25:19,250 --> 00:25:21,290 I just ran roughshod over my family. 595 00:25:21,290 --> 00:25:22,290 I can only imagine. 596 00:25:22,430 --> 00:25:23,230 I have two daughters. 597 00:25:23,390 --> 00:25:24,450 They're 17 and 15. 598 00:25:24,710 --> 00:25:25,710 I can only imagine. 599 00:25:25,790 --> 00:25:27,790 I can only imagine what my mom and dad must have felt like 600 00:25:27,790 --> 00:25:29,330 when I was in a hospital, 601 00:25:29,510 --> 00:25:32,070 and they, they knew that it was an attempted suicide, 602 00:25:32,070 --> 00:25:33,150 and that happened twice. 603 00:25:33,190 --> 00:25:36,550 You know, I could only imagine, you know, what, you know, 604 00:25:36,550 --> 00:25:38,390 what that must have been like for them. 605 00:25:38,430 --> 00:25:42,130 And so, it's, for, you know, I mean, for me, it was really, 606 00:25:42,130 --> 00:25:46,630 it was really, to just try to let the air in with some of that stuff. 607 00:25:46,670 --> 00:25:48,410 And what he did, and I'll never forget, 608 00:25:48,410 --> 00:25:50,030 and I'll do it with other people, his sponsor, 609 00:25:50,030 --> 00:25:53,070 he told me three things about himself that he told his sponsor. 610 00:25:53,110 --> 00:25:55,310 And all of a sudden, I was disarmed. 611 00:25:55,310 --> 00:25:57,550 It was an open-ended conversation. 612 00:25:57,550 --> 00:26:01,290 And that man took the care to just say, me too, without saying it. 613 00:26:01,330 --> 00:26:04,590 And all of a sudden, I start flying stuff out, flying stuff out. 614 00:26:04,590 --> 00:26:08,550 And he's like, I don't know why this has become a dissertation on my fifth step, 615 00:26:08,550 --> 00:26:12,690 but I guess it's just, I can just say that I did my stuff with that man. 616 00:26:12,750 --> 00:26:14,790 I've done it two more, two more times. 617 00:26:14,870 --> 00:26:17,770 Most recently, seven years ago, I did it with my sponsor. 618 00:26:17,810 --> 00:26:20,490 So, I'm bouncing around here a bit. 619 00:26:20,550 --> 00:26:25,250 So, I mean, I got that great foundation and, as I said, I got it. 620 00:26:25,250 --> 00:26:26,450 I got that great foundation. 621 00:26:26,450 --> 00:26:28,850 So, I have my first daughter. 622 00:26:28,850 --> 00:26:30,130 To a great neighborhood. 623 00:26:30,130 --> 00:26:31,370 Things started getting good. 624 00:26:31,370 --> 00:26:32,750 The same old AA story. 625 00:26:32,750 --> 00:26:33,850 Stopped going to meetings. 626 00:26:33,850 --> 00:26:36,230 Gave my panel at Tarzana Treatment Center. 627 00:26:36,230 --> 00:26:38,130 Started going to meetings. 628 00:26:38,130 --> 00:26:38,970 Half-assed. 629 00:26:38,970 --> 00:26:43,230 And I blamed my, blaming my two little girls 630 00:26:43,230 --> 00:26:44,610 to my meetings on my daughters 631 00:26:44,610 --> 00:26:45,910 because I got to take care of them. 632 00:26:45,910 --> 00:26:48,770 You know, as if there isn't an hour and 15 minutes in the day 633 00:26:48,770 --> 00:26:49,610 that I could do that. 634 00:26:49,610 --> 00:26:54,610 And so, standing there, you know, quickly from, and this is, 635 00:26:54,610 --> 00:26:56,690 I see this as a cautionary tale. 636 00:26:56,690 --> 00:26:59,130 And I also said that because of having seven years, 637 00:26:59,130 --> 00:27:02,930 my life has changed so much as the result of what I did. 638 00:27:02,930 --> 00:27:07,370 From five years sobering to about 16, 639 00:27:07,370 --> 00:27:09,470 I had a horrible sponsor. 640 00:27:09,470 --> 00:27:14,010 It was me, which is not a good sponsor. 641 00:27:14,010 --> 00:27:16,170 Sponsoring yourself, God bless you. 642 00:27:17,430 --> 00:27:20,770 And I was angry when I was lying and cheating 643 00:27:20,770 --> 00:27:22,250 and stealing from my wife. 644 00:27:22,250 --> 00:27:24,570 And I was doing things that I didn't 645 00:27:24,610 --> 00:27:25,450 do when I was drunk. 646 00:27:25,450 --> 00:27:29,950 I was a dry drink, which I think sometimes is worse. 647 00:27:29,950 --> 00:27:31,250 It's just devastating. 648 00:27:31,250 --> 00:27:33,050 And I knew what I was doing was wrong. 649 00:27:33,050 --> 00:27:35,930 And I knew what I was doing was hurting other people. 650 00:27:35,930 --> 00:27:38,750 Probably I knew that it was killing me, you know? 651 00:27:38,750 --> 00:27:40,790 And so, from that period of time, 652 00:27:40,790 --> 00:27:44,050 in 16 or 17, let's see, it was 2018. 653 00:27:44,050 --> 00:27:45,710 I think it was like 2012. 654 00:27:45,710 --> 00:27:49,410 I found myself at the food floor. 655 00:27:49,410 --> 00:27:54,410 I remember under 20 pounds underweight, shit strewn everywhere. 656 00:27:54,610 --> 00:27:58,670 And two of my friends, my AA brothers came up 657 00:27:58,670 --> 00:27:59,990 and they saw me there. 658 00:27:59,990 --> 00:28:01,950 And one of my buddies today said it was, 659 00:28:01,950 --> 00:28:03,770 in the 28 years I've been sober, 660 00:28:03,770 --> 00:28:06,270 it was the scariest thing I've ever seen, you know? 661 00:28:06,270 --> 00:28:09,690 And so basically they're like, so how's it going? 662 00:28:09,690 --> 00:28:10,790 I'm like, yeah, not good. 663 00:28:10,790 --> 00:28:13,250 And they're like, so what's going on? 664 00:28:13,250 --> 00:28:15,190 And they knew about some of my mental health stuff 665 00:28:15,190 --> 00:28:16,610 and some of my suicide stuff. 666 00:28:16,610 --> 00:28:19,390 And so they said, so do you want us to just take you 667 00:28:19,390 --> 00:28:20,730 to the Northridge Hospital? 668 00:28:20,730 --> 00:28:23,410 Or do you want to spend $750 for an ambulance? 669 00:28:23,410 --> 00:28:24,250 What do you want to do? 670 00:28:24,250 --> 00:28:25,230 Those are the two options. 671 00:28:25,230 --> 00:28:26,070 So I went there. 672 00:28:26,070 --> 00:28:28,310 And let me forget it, fast forward. 673 00:28:28,310 --> 00:28:31,070 What that did for me was it allowed me to go, 674 00:28:31,070 --> 00:28:35,070 I finally waved the right flag on my mental health stuff. 675 00:28:35,070 --> 00:28:38,010 And there is literature, AA approved literature, 676 00:28:38,010 --> 00:28:39,810 AA and medications. 677 00:28:39,810 --> 00:28:41,590 There's nobody in here that are doctors. 678 00:28:41,590 --> 00:28:45,310 And if anyone tells anyone what to do that's not a doctor, 679 00:28:45,310 --> 00:28:47,710 you're not seeing somebody, shame on you, really. 680 00:28:49,030 --> 00:28:51,730 So I got the help I needed and I got leveled out. 681 00:28:51,730 --> 00:28:52,370 And I found that if I wasn't doing that, taking care of, you know, 682 00:28:52,370 --> 00:28:53,210 I was going to die. 683 00:28:53,210 --> 00:28:54,230 And I found that if I wasn't doing that, taking care of you, 684 00:28:54,250 --> 00:28:57,630 that outside issue, that I couldn't be a sober member 685 00:28:57,630 --> 00:28:58,690 of Alcoholics Anonymous. 686 00:28:58,690 --> 00:29:00,230 And I didn't know that, you know. 687 00:29:00,230 --> 00:29:05,590 I was 16 years sober, 16 years sober at the Northridge Hospital 688 00:29:05,590 --> 00:29:08,290 and a panel that you used to have put me in 689 00:29:08,290 --> 00:29:09,950 and I'm the only guy with the wristband. 690 00:29:09,950 --> 00:29:12,230 Like, you know, and that's, that's pitiful 691 00:29:12,230 --> 00:29:15,010 and incomprehensible demoralization at 16 years old. 692 00:29:15,010 --> 00:29:17,230 But I also saw that as a victory. 693 00:29:17,230 --> 00:29:20,430 I stayed sober, you know, I stayed sober through it. 694 00:29:20,430 --> 00:29:21,430 And I did just, I think, I think it's the absurdity, you know, 695 00:29:21,430 --> 00:29:22,370 I did just, I think, I think it's the absurdity, you know, 696 00:29:22,370 --> 00:29:23,370 I did just, I think, I think it's the absurdity, you know, 697 00:29:23,370 --> 00:29:25,310 I think it's the obsession to drink. 698 00:29:25,310 --> 00:29:26,690 So I was lucky. 699 00:29:26,690 --> 00:29:28,130 I was not like my son. 700 00:29:28,130 --> 00:29:31,190 I was not like my friend Blaine, who is now 701 00:29:31,190 --> 00:29:34,210 at Chabad Treatment Center after five months 702 00:29:34,210 --> 00:29:37,790 of drinking himself to death, being in, you know, 703 00:29:37,790 --> 00:29:39,870 probably four times in the last five years. 704 00:29:39,870 --> 00:29:41,410 We all know people like that. 705 00:29:41,410 --> 00:29:42,830 I met my good friend, Blaine. 706 00:29:42,830 --> 00:29:45,150 He committed suicide two weeks ago. 707 00:29:45,150 --> 00:29:49,010 He left behind an 18-year-old daughter and a 16-year-old baby. 708 00:29:49,010 --> 00:29:52,130 Don't tell me that this disease doesn't affect just you. 709 00:29:52,130 --> 00:29:53,230 It just rips. 710 00:29:53,370 --> 00:29:54,370 It rips through everybody. 711 00:29:54,370 --> 00:29:58,130 And is this five or what? 712 00:29:58,130 --> 00:30:03,350 So that in itself, when I look back at it now, was the start of a hell of a journey. 713 00:30:03,350 --> 00:30:08,710 So if you're struggling, if you got three years, 10 years, 15 years, even 20 or 30 years 714 00:30:08,710 --> 00:30:09,710 old. 715 00:30:09,710 --> 00:30:13,290 I went to a couple of meetings, a couple of my older friends with 30 years, they just 716 00:30:13,290 --> 00:30:14,910 stopped going to meetings and they died. 717 00:30:14,910 --> 00:30:16,710 I mean, they just drank and died. 718 00:30:16,710 --> 00:30:21,310 So it can happen to anyone just because, you know, I have 22 years, doesn't mean anything. 719 00:30:21,310 --> 00:30:22,270 I mean, it does, but it doesn't. 720 00:30:22,270 --> 00:30:23,270 You know, I've got a main target. 721 00:30:23,270 --> 00:30:26,390 I've got to maintain my sobriety, maintain my spiritual condition. 722 00:30:26,390 --> 00:30:29,210 So that was a huge thing because I started to get my little man. 723 00:30:29,210 --> 00:30:30,390 I got a new sponsor. 724 00:30:30,390 --> 00:30:34,250 He had two daughters, 20 years sober, just really admired this guy. 725 00:30:34,250 --> 00:30:35,250 I wanted what he had. 726 00:30:35,250 --> 00:30:39,950 And if you knew it doesn't matter when you first get here, just get a sponsor, you know, 727 00:30:39,950 --> 00:30:40,950 reach your hand out. 728 00:30:40,950 --> 00:30:42,310 We're not going to hand you a resume. 729 00:30:42,310 --> 00:30:43,310 This isn't ZipRecruiter. 730 00:30:43,310 --> 00:30:45,510 Just say, hey, I need some help. 731 00:30:45,510 --> 00:30:46,510 Can you help me? 732 00:30:46,510 --> 00:30:47,510 And we'll do it. 733 00:30:47,510 --> 00:30:51,610 And so he took me through the steps the way that he was just so happy that he was going 734 00:30:51,610 --> 00:30:52,610 through his steps again too. 735 00:30:52,610 --> 00:30:58,150 So we did this journey and I was sponsoring a guy and then I got another sponsor and surprise 736 00:30:58,150 --> 00:30:59,790 supreme is my life changed. 737 00:30:59,790 --> 00:31:01,170 I started going to meetings. 738 00:31:01,170 --> 00:31:05,430 I started working with my sponsor and what do you know, people want me to sponsor them. 739 00:31:05,430 --> 00:31:10,330 Imagine that, you know, and since then I've been able to take four men through the steps. 740 00:31:10,330 --> 00:31:15,850 I've heard four fifth steps and those of you that have done that, if you don't believe 741 00:31:15,850 --> 00:31:21,190 in God or power after hearing somebody's fifth step and taking them through the steps, I 742 00:31:21,190 --> 00:31:22,190 don't know. 743 00:31:22,190 --> 00:31:26,110 I don't know what it is, you know, but the first sponsor, he had a really hard time with 744 00:31:26,110 --> 00:31:27,110 God. 745 00:31:27,110 --> 00:31:28,390 He had a really hard time with God. 746 00:31:28,390 --> 00:31:29,390 Just a wonderful dude. 747 00:31:29,390 --> 00:31:33,530 He was, I think he was spiritual, but he had a really hard time with this relationship 748 00:31:33,530 --> 00:31:34,530 and he was forcing it. 749 00:31:34,530 --> 00:31:35,530 He was trying to pray. 750 00:31:35,530 --> 00:31:36,530 He was trying to do that. 751 00:31:36,530 --> 00:31:40,070 And I said, Aaron, I think what's going to help you, what's really helped me is sponsoring 752 00:31:40,070 --> 00:31:41,070 other men. 753 00:31:41,070 --> 00:31:42,190 And the guy now he's on fire. 754 00:31:42,190 --> 00:31:46,910 He sponsors two guys and it's, I told him, you know, I just said, this is what worked 755 00:31:46,910 --> 00:31:47,910 for me. 756 00:31:47,910 --> 00:31:48,910 And he just did it in his time. 757 00:31:48,910 --> 00:31:50,190 You know, he did it, you know, when he could do it. 758 00:31:50,190 --> 00:31:58,190 And so, you know, fast forward to today, my life is absolutely, it's amazing. 759 00:31:58,190 --> 00:31:59,190 I did a lot of work. 760 00:31:59,190 --> 00:32:03,530 I hurt a lot of women in my relationships, not just women that I went out with or was 761 00:32:03,530 --> 00:32:04,530 married to. 762 00:32:04,530 --> 00:32:06,030 But I hurt my sisters. 763 00:32:06,030 --> 00:32:13,430 I hurt my mom and just, you know, just ring a shot by using bullshit, AA charm, telling 764 00:32:13,430 --> 00:32:18,110 people what they don't, what they, you know, what they want to hear, basically people pleasing 765 00:32:18,110 --> 00:32:19,110 and that kind of stuff. 766 00:32:19,110 --> 00:32:20,110 I got to do it. 767 00:32:20,110 --> 00:32:21,110 I got to do a ton of work on that. 768 00:32:21,110 --> 00:32:25,450 And it was probably the most painful thing that I've ever done is, is I really say how 769 00:32:25,450 --> 00:32:31,070 much destruction and how badly I hurt people, you know, and it's not easy when you've really 770 00:32:31,070 --> 00:32:34,270 effed over some people and really messed with their minds. 771 00:32:34,270 --> 00:32:41,230 And I had my mind messed with here and there too, but as a result of the work as love and 772 00:32:41,230 --> 00:32:48,110 as it relates to sex, you know, the salt and pepper this way, that way, I did ideal, you 773 00:32:48,110 --> 00:32:49,110 know, I had to do it. 774 00:32:49,110 --> 00:32:50,110 Okay. 775 00:32:50,110 --> 00:32:51,110 I had to do a six month run of celibacy. 776 00:32:51,110 --> 00:32:52,110 I had to do, it's supposed to be funny. 777 00:32:52,110 --> 00:32:53,110 Anyway. 778 00:32:53,110 --> 00:32:54,110 You don't have to write. 779 00:32:54,110 --> 00:32:55,110 I can't. 780 00:32:55,110 --> 00:32:56,110 No. 781 00:32:56,110 --> 00:32:57,110 Anyway. 782 00:32:57,110 --> 00:32:58,110 Oh, trust you. 783 00:32:58,110 --> 00:32:59,110 And I had to do a lot of writing. 784 00:32:59,110 --> 00:33:04,110 I had to do a lot of, um, actually went on a date, you know, went on a couple of dates 785 00:33:04,110 --> 00:33:10,110 and on the second date, I didn't get a new hat trailer and move in and tell them that, 786 00:33:10,110 --> 00:33:13,110 you know, that like, oh my God, this is great. 787 00:33:13,110 --> 00:33:18,110 And I met somebody at this meeting that set out together and, uh, you know, first time 788 00:33:18,110 --> 00:33:19,110 I had kind of gotten through the time. 789 00:33:19,110 --> 00:33:24,110 You know, I'd done my, not my penance, but I kind of did what I was supposed to do. 790 00:33:24,110 --> 00:33:28,430 And, you know, I met an amazing woman and she's sober and we love each other. 791 00:33:28,430 --> 00:33:31,070 She loves my daughters and we work a program. 792 00:33:31,070 --> 00:33:32,070 She has her program. 793 00:33:32,070 --> 00:33:33,070 I have mine. 794 00:33:33,070 --> 00:33:34,710 And that's God too. 795 00:33:34,710 --> 00:33:37,150 I could not do that on my own. 796 00:33:37,150 --> 00:33:38,150 I couldn't. 797 00:33:38,150 --> 00:33:40,150 And I could, I would never believe that my life would be like this. 798 00:33:40,150 --> 00:33:45,630 I had pain in one of the hardest years financially and as a man, I had to be a provider and with 799 00:33:45,630 --> 00:33:47,110 my daughters and everything, all that stuff. 800 00:33:47,110 --> 00:33:52,630 To have somebody help you out, just sucks and it's hard, but I've turned the corner 801 00:33:52,630 --> 00:33:53,630 on that. 802 00:33:53,630 --> 00:33:56,430 But even then, having all that stuff going on in my life has never been better. 803 00:33:56,430 --> 00:33:58,430 And it's because I'm sober. 804 00:33:58,430 --> 00:34:03,730 Today, I meditate, I go to meetings, I work the steps, I help others and my life is just 805 00:34:03,730 --> 00:34:04,730 absolutely amazing. 806 00:34:04,730 --> 00:34:07,110 So, you know, if you're new here, just stick around. 807 00:34:07,110 --> 00:34:10,950 Again, I want to thank everyone for their hospitality and I think that's it for me.