1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:30,000 Iona L, Quality of Life, Alcoholics Anonymous, AA, sobriety, sponsor, home group. Please spell 2 00:00:30,000 --> 00:00:32,000 the speaker name as Iona. 3 00:01:00,000 --> 00:01:20,720 Iona L, Quality of Life Saturday for enrolling on MAI?... 4 00:01:20,720 --> 00:01:22,600 Coastal... 5 00:01:22,600 --> 00:01:24,500 Coastal... 6 00:01:25,360 --> 00:01:25,740 Coastal. 7 00:01:26,960 --> 00:01:28,380 Coastal. 8 00:01:28,380 --> 00:01:28,760 Coastal. 9 00:01:28,800 --> 00:01:29,340 Coastal. 10 00:01:29,340 --> 00:01:29,660 Coastal. 11 00:01:29,660 --> 00:01:29,800 Coastal. 12 00:01:29,800 --> 00:01:29,860 Coastal. 13 00:01:29,860 --> 00:01:59,840 Iona L, Quality of Life, Alcoholics Anonymous, AA, sobriety, sponsor, home group 14 00:01:59,860 --> 00:02:29,840 Iona L, Quality of Life, Alcoholics Anonymous, AA, sobriety, sponsor, home group 15 00:02:29,860 --> 00:02:59,840 Iona L, Quality of Life, Alcoholics Anonymous, AA, sobriety, sponsor, home group 16 00:02:59,860 --> 00:03:29,840 Iona L, Quality of Life, Alcoholics Anonymous, AA, sobriety, sponsor, home group 17 00:03:29,860 --> 00:03:59,840 Iona L, Quality of Life, Alcoholics Anonymous, AA, sobriety, sponsor, home group 18 00:03:59,860 --> 00:04:29,840 Iona L, Quality of Life, Alcoholics Anonymous, AA, sobriety, sponsor, home group 19 00:04:29,860 --> 00:04:59,840 Iona L, Quality of Life, Alcoholics Anonymous, AA, sobriety, sponsor, home group 20 00:04:59,860 --> 00:05:29,840 Iona L, Quality of Life, Alcoholics Anonymous, AA, sobriety, sponsor, home group 21 00:05:29,860 --> 00:05:59,840 Iona L, Quality of Life, Alcoholics Anonymous, AA, sobriety, sponsor, home group 22 00:05:59,860 --> 00:06:00,860 Iona L, Quality of Life, Alcoholics Anonymous, AA, sobriety, sponsor, home group 23 00:06:00,860 --> 00:06:01,860 Iona L, Quality of Life, Alcoholics Anonymous, AA, sobriety, sponsor, home group 24 00:06:01,860 --> 00:06:02,860 Iona L, Quality of Life, Alcoholics Anonymous, AA, sobriety, sponsor, home group 25 00:06:02,860 --> 00:06:03,860 Iona L, Quality of Life, Alcoholics Anonymous, AA, sobriety, sponsor, home group 26 00:06:03,860 --> 00:06:04,860 Iona L, Quality of Life, Alcoholics Anonymous, AA, sobriety, sponsor, home group 27 00:06:04,860 --> 00:06:05,860 Iona L, Quality of Life, Alcoholics Anonymous, AA, sobriety, sponsor, home group 28 00:06:05,860 --> 00:06:06,860 Iona L, Quality of Life, Alcoholics Anonymous, AA, sobriety, sponsor, home group 29 00:06:06,860 --> 00:06:13,800 and whatever, and Silencio, and all those names. 30 00:06:13,940 --> 00:06:16,000 Like I said, I really wanted to be Mexican. 31 00:06:17,660 --> 00:06:18,980 So I learned that lifestyle. 32 00:06:19,260 --> 00:06:20,880 So when I got to maybe meet my girlfriend, 33 00:06:21,560 --> 00:06:25,540 I was hanging out with the girls that just got sent out there from California. 34 00:06:25,540 --> 00:06:27,260 I was in Alaska. 35 00:06:28,060 --> 00:06:28,900 I said, we'll start over. 36 00:06:29,920 --> 00:06:34,820 So we were having a cure-drop catchies at night. 37 00:06:35,040 --> 00:06:35,780 Now we're getting ready. 38 00:06:36,860 --> 00:06:39,900 We got some alien infants and some humans. 39 00:06:40,480 --> 00:06:41,440 And so I tried it. 40 00:06:41,840 --> 00:06:43,560 And they chews up my hair. 41 00:06:44,280 --> 00:06:46,280 So it's taken a family. 42 00:06:46,520 --> 00:06:48,880 Stilt-tow boots and some bikinis and a family. 43 00:06:49,300 --> 00:06:50,840 And we went to the ticket with the homies. 44 00:06:51,480 --> 00:06:52,600 And it was great. 45 00:06:52,600 --> 00:06:53,660 It was great. 46 00:06:54,100 --> 00:06:56,040 And the pop-tarts or the paper fans, 47 00:06:56,220 --> 00:06:58,860 they got me a piece of paper that I would snoop and draw. 48 00:06:59,120 --> 00:07:00,780 And I would use, so I'd crochet. 49 00:07:01,320 --> 00:07:05,440 And they passed me the chain. 50 00:07:05,860 --> 00:07:06,640 And it's just clear. 51 00:07:06,680 --> 00:07:06,840 It's clear. 52 00:07:06,860 --> 00:07:07,880 And it was a big, so bomb. 53 00:07:07,960 --> 00:07:09,220 It had a little bit of a channel in it. 54 00:07:09,440 --> 00:07:10,780 It was extra dry chain. 55 00:07:11,000 --> 00:07:11,860 And I took a swing. 56 00:07:12,040 --> 00:07:13,000 I passed with the chain. 57 00:07:13,340 --> 00:07:14,340 I took a swing. 58 00:07:14,440 --> 00:07:15,660 And that's orange juice. 59 00:07:16,300 --> 00:07:17,120 It's in Alaska. 60 00:07:19,200 --> 00:07:21,660 For some of you guys, you guys look really young in here. 61 00:07:22,200 --> 00:07:23,220 Some of you guys do. 62 00:07:23,540 --> 00:07:24,980 Some of you are too loud to know. 63 00:07:25,180 --> 00:07:25,820 You're my age. 64 00:07:25,900 --> 00:07:26,320 Thank you. 65 00:07:27,580 --> 00:07:28,700 So it's been 10 years. 66 00:07:30,000 --> 00:07:31,200 And I took a swing. 67 00:07:31,680 --> 00:07:33,300 And I went to the bug wall that night. 68 00:07:33,680 --> 00:07:34,420 I took a swing. 69 00:07:34,420 --> 00:07:35,880 I got in front of the fish tank. 70 00:07:36,380 --> 00:07:36,840 And I took a swing. 71 00:07:36,840 --> 00:07:38,860 And it was a new peace and freedom that I chased. 72 00:07:39,000 --> 00:07:40,020 I just smiled. 73 00:07:40,380 --> 00:07:41,280 I was calm. 74 00:07:41,440 --> 00:07:43,600 I was in front of the fish tank all night just smiling. 75 00:07:43,900 --> 00:07:44,560 They were agreeing. 76 00:07:45,220 --> 00:07:46,420 I can't tell you. 77 00:07:46,720 --> 00:07:48,080 My clothes weren't clean that night. 78 00:07:48,180 --> 00:07:49,780 I didn't go get any bites that night. 79 00:07:50,420 --> 00:07:51,380 I was in front of the fish tank. 80 00:07:51,720 --> 00:07:52,600 And I chased that hard. 81 00:07:52,640 --> 00:07:53,520 And I chased that quick. 82 00:07:53,860 --> 00:07:56,040 And by the end of my freshman year, I'm getting picked out of school. 83 00:07:56,240 --> 00:08:01,240 Because I have a worst semester of abstinence and I can't show up to school without drinking 84 00:08:01,240 --> 00:08:02,040 or without fighting. 85 00:08:02,520 --> 00:08:05,100 You know, it was about platforms and physical back then. 86 00:08:05,100 --> 00:08:05,980 And I was 15. 87 00:08:06,840 --> 00:08:07,840 And it was great. 88 00:08:07,840 --> 00:08:08,840 It was great. 89 00:08:08,840 --> 00:08:09,840 It was always the beginning of the same thing. 90 00:08:09,840 --> 00:08:10,840 I don't know how it was here. 91 00:08:10,840 --> 00:08:11,840 You just throw on some lipstick. 92 00:08:11,840 --> 00:08:12,840 You throw some cleavage. 93 00:08:12,840 --> 00:08:13,840 And you're set to go. 94 00:08:13,840 --> 00:08:14,840 You know, it was not hard to party when I was growing up. 95 00:08:14,840 --> 00:08:15,840 You know, there was a liquor store. 96 00:08:15,840 --> 00:08:16,840 The guy liked my good thing. 97 00:08:16,840 --> 00:08:17,840 What I was able to do was give him a pair of her socks each time I bought liquor. 98 00:08:17,840 --> 00:08:18,840 And I've since made amends to him. 99 00:08:18,840 --> 00:08:19,840 I did not know how creepy that was until, like, it was a submit. 100 00:08:19,840 --> 00:08:20,840 And I was like, I don't know. 101 00:08:20,840 --> 00:08:21,840 I don't know. 102 00:08:21,840 --> 00:08:22,840 I don't know. 103 00:08:22,840 --> 00:08:23,840 I don't know. 104 00:08:23,840 --> 00:08:24,840 I don't know. 105 00:08:24,840 --> 00:08:27,840 He was like, you came a few years ago. 106 00:08:27,840 --> 00:08:34,840 He was like, you came in like gave me socks. 107 00:08:34,840 --> 00:08:35,840 You know. 108 00:08:35,840 --> 00:08:46,840 And I thought that was a pretty stupid thing to say. 109 00:08:46,840 --> 00:08:47,840 I don't know. 110 00:08:47,840 --> 00:08:48,840 I don't know. 111 00:08:48,840 --> 00:08:49,840 I don't know. 112 00:08:49,840 --> 00:08:51,190 I don't know. 113 00:08:51,190 --> 00:08:52,190 I don't know. 114 00:08:52,190 --> 00:08:53,190 I don't know. 115 00:08:53,190 --> 00:08:54,190 I didn't do it. 116 00:08:54,190 --> 00:09:24,170 Iona L, Quality of Life, Alcoholics Anonymous, AA, sobriety, sponsor, home group 117 00:09:24,190 --> 00:09:54,170 Iona L, Quality of Life, Alcoholics Anonymous, AA, sobriety, sponsor, home group 118 00:09:54,190 --> 00:10:24,170 Iona L, Quality of Life, Alcoholics Anonymous, AA, sobriety, sponsor, home group 119 00:10:24,190 --> 00:10:54,460 Iona L, Quality of Life, Alcoholics Anonymous, AA, sobriety, sponsor, home group 120 00:10:54,480 --> 00:11:24,460 Iona L, Quality of Life, Alcoholics Anonymous, AA, sobriety, sponsor, home group 121 00:11:24,480 --> 00:11:54,590 Iona L, Quality of Life, Alcoholics Anonymous, AA, sobriety, sponsor, home group 122 00:11:54,610 --> 00:12:24,590 Iona L, Quality of Life, Alcoholics Anonymous, AA, sobriety, sponsor, home group 123 00:12:24,610 --> 00:12:54,590 Iona L, Quality of Life, Alcoholics Anonymous, AA, sobriety, sponsor, home group 124 00:12:54,610 --> 00:13:24,490 Iona L, Quality of Life, Alcoholics Anonymous, AA, sobriety, sponsor, home group 125 00:13:24,490 --> 00:13:24,590 Iona L, Quality of Life, Alcoholics Anonymous, AA, sobriety, sponsor, home group 126 00:13:24,610 --> 00:13:54,740 Iona L, Quality of Life, Alcoholics Anonymous, AA, 127 00:13:54,740 --> 00:14:24,720 sobriety, sponsor, home group 128 00:14:24,740 --> 00:14:54,720 Iona L, Quality of Life, Alcoholics Anonymous, AA, sobriety, sponsor, home group 129 00:14:54,740 --> 00:14:59,400 I didn't realize until my spouse had took me through that involution that I hadn't been at home since I was 13. 130 00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:01,420 Did you deserve an opportunity? 131 00:15:01,640 --> 00:15:03,200 Was it me thinking about environment? 132 00:15:03,420 --> 00:15:04,220 What did you do? 133 00:15:04,380 --> 00:15:07,400 That justifiable angle that reset was good. 134 00:15:09,050 --> 00:15:13,610 I didn't know I needed to be this bright person with this bright red dress to make you happy. 135 00:15:13,730 --> 00:15:15,210 Because I didn't just come out, right? 136 00:15:15,350 --> 00:15:17,110 That's cheesy. That's cheesy. That's not me. 137 00:15:17,470 --> 00:15:18,270 I want femininity. 138 00:15:18,270 --> 00:15:24,210 But that's how much I'll be helped to know this has given me my spirit and my soul. 139 00:15:24,210 --> 00:15:26,150 Because people would pick up my clothes. 140 00:15:26,410 --> 00:15:29,130 The women would laugh when I say that I wanted to kill them. 141 00:15:29,630 --> 00:15:31,610 I'd say, what are you doing after the day? 142 00:15:31,830 --> 00:15:32,890 What are you even going to? 143 00:15:32,950 --> 00:15:34,070 I'm like, oh my God. 144 00:15:34,350 --> 00:15:36,070 I'm a 60-year-old woman. 145 00:15:36,570 --> 00:15:39,990 When I first got sober, there was not a lot of young people in my home groups. 146 00:15:42,650 --> 00:15:45,470 And thank God, because I might have been a slut. 147 00:15:46,930 --> 00:15:48,230 I'm so grateful. 148 00:15:48,230 --> 00:15:55,940 I try to tell my spouse, he's not today, he's done first year, and I can't even blame him. 149 00:15:56,940 --> 00:15:58,140 I'm like, just keep going to meetings. 150 00:15:58,140 --> 00:15:59,040 I'm like, what are you going to do? 151 00:15:59,840 --> 00:16:01,940 I'm like, what are you going to do? 152 00:16:02,240 --> 00:16:03,340 I'm like, what are you going to do? 153 00:16:03,340 --> 00:16:04,020 I'm like, what are you going to do? 154 00:16:04,680 --> 00:16:06,680 When I spoke to her, what she did with me, I don't know. 155 00:16:06,780 --> 00:16:08,160 She said, what kind of drink do you want to drink? 156 00:16:08,360 --> 00:16:09,400 I said, I drink daily. 157 00:16:09,560 --> 00:16:11,240 She was like, then you need to get to a meeting every day. 158 00:16:11,360 --> 00:16:12,300 I went to a meeting every day. 159 00:16:12,360 --> 00:16:13,980 My first three years of summer, I went to work. 160 00:16:14,080 --> 00:16:14,780 I would get to a meeting. 161 00:16:14,900 --> 00:16:15,660 I would go for a drink. 162 00:16:15,660 --> 00:16:17,800 I would sit in my living room at 530. 163 00:16:18,060 --> 00:16:21,440 The meeting was going to open until 630 or 7 when they would start setting up. 164 00:16:21,780 --> 00:16:24,900 And I would sit there, and I would look in my living room mirror waiting, waiting for 165 00:16:24,900 --> 00:16:27,900 someone to open the door, because I had no place safe to go but the road. 166 00:16:28,060 --> 00:16:31,620 And that parking lot was the safest place I had to go my first three years of summer. 167 00:16:31,740 --> 00:16:35,200 And in summer, for the people who felt barely to have the meeting before the meeting and 168 00:16:35,200 --> 00:16:38,480 the meeting after the meeting, if it wasn't for commitment, I don't know where I would 169 00:16:38,480 --> 00:16:38,720 be. 170 00:16:39,580 --> 00:16:41,460 My sponsor, too, she raised my hand. 171 00:16:41,580 --> 00:16:44,140 I got into service within like my first six months of her. 172 00:16:44,400 --> 00:16:45,300 I had a commitment. 173 00:16:45,480 --> 00:16:45,640 I never. 174 00:16:45,660 --> 00:16:49,140 It's like, just like I had a guy for every bond. 175 00:16:53,200 --> 00:16:54,700 She said I can start sponsoring. 176 00:16:55,080 --> 00:16:57,320 She told me at 30 days sober I can start sponsoring women. 177 00:16:57,460 --> 00:16:58,320 I had no clue. 178 00:16:58,520 --> 00:17:01,460 I was sponsoring, and I called my sponsor. 179 00:17:02,160 --> 00:17:03,120 I was like, what are we doing? 180 00:17:03,220 --> 00:17:03,940 What are we doing? 181 00:17:04,080 --> 00:17:05,820 So she would call me to call these women. 182 00:17:06,040 --> 00:17:07,400 I would be like, just pause and play. 183 00:17:07,920 --> 00:17:10,260 I tell them to pause and play, and I hang out with them. 184 00:17:10,300 --> 00:17:13,440 And when I tell my sponsor, and then when they call me back after pausing and playing, 185 00:17:13,480 --> 00:17:14,740 I would have some guidance for them. 186 00:17:14,740 --> 00:17:15,420 And I love that. 187 00:17:15,420 --> 00:17:16,920 Because that's still the solution today. 188 00:17:17,060 --> 00:17:17,840 Just pause and play. 189 00:17:17,960 --> 00:17:21,260 And because of the steps that happen, so when I actually pause and play, I don't always 190 00:17:21,260 --> 00:17:24,740 need it to be my sponsor, because I have been told to be one for the rest of my life. 191 00:17:24,880 --> 00:17:25,880 That used to baffle me. 192 00:17:26,500 --> 00:17:27,740 Alcoholics is a way of living. 193 00:17:28,140 --> 00:17:31,200 Alcoholics is not just a drink, but a symptom. 194 00:17:31,480 --> 00:17:34,640 And that's the message that had ducted me from a routine. 195 00:17:35,000 --> 00:17:37,220 And before I knew something was wrong, I went to therapy. 196 00:17:37,700 --> 00:17:42,740 And I was in a routine, and I was making, and I was all that stuff, and ADD, and I 197 00:17:42,740 --> 00:17:45,300 was saying to myself, that was true. 198 00:17:45,300 --> 00:17:46,340 But there was something there. 199 00:17:46,420 --> 00:17:47,760 I was like, no, but there's something there. 200 00:17:47,840 --> 00:17:48,800 But there's something there. 201 00:17:48,880 --> 00:17:52,860 So my sponsor started to read the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous with me right from 202 00:17:52,860 --> 00:17:53,340 the beginning. 203 00:17:53,760 --> 00:17:57,120 To read those first 165 pages, I found myself in the doctor's opinion. 204 00:17:57,440 --> 00:18:01,960 And the doctor's opinion told me, it would not satisfy me to be told that I was not adjusted 205 00:18:01,960 --> 00:18:02,480 to life. 206 00:18:02,560 --> 00:18:03,720 That there was something else. 207 00:18:03,880 --> 00:18:05,300 That book has depth and weight. 208 00:18:05,380 --> 00:18:06,460 I found me in that book. 209 00:18:06,520 --> 00:18:08,240 I found me in the podiums. 210 00:18:08,300 --> 00:18:09,720 I still identify. 211 00:18:09,880 --> 00:18:11,160 I am still finding my story. 212 00:18:11,160 --> 00:18:14,000 And I found my story in my memory with the women I work with. 213 00:18:14,180 --> 00:18:15,060 I find my courage. 214 00:18:15,060 --> 00:18:16,720 I'm like, God, with the women I work with. 215 00:18:16,840 --> 00:18:19,860 It's incredible that it's going to be okay, even though I'm scared all of a sudden. 216 00:18:20,000 --> 00:18:21,940 I'm not scared because I'm trying to make them not scared. 217 00:18:23,330 --> 00:18:27,950 It's so thankful that I was willing to go to anything for victory over my alcoholism. 218 00:18:28,090 --> 00:18:30,530 I was so thankful that my sponsor asked me that question. 219 00:18:30,970 --> 00:18:35,230 I was so thankful that she told me, that she asked me, are you ready to take direction 220 00:18:35,230 --> 00:18:35,950 with that debate? 221 00:18:36,190 --> 00:18:39,090 And this was this other white chick who was a punk rock chick, and I'm a true lover. 222 00:18:39,530 --> 00:18:41,070 And for some reason, I told her yes. 223 00:18:41,150 --> 00:18:43,690 I told her yes when I turned my love of my life over to her. 224 00:18:43,690 --> 00:18:44,770 She didn't stay still. 225 00:18:44,770 --> 00:18:46,590 So that's about five years sober now. 226 00:18:46,730 --> 00:18:47,990 That really saved my life. 227 00:18:48,130 --> 00:18:52,210 The sponsor I have has been my sponsor for over 15 years. 228 00:18:52,550 --> 00:18:56,250 I just celebrated 16 years, and I love my sponsor. 229 00:18:56,650 --> 00:19:00,670 She's this little Barbie looking thing from Orange County, and she has ass nails. 230 00:19:01,370 --> 00:19:03,670 And I tried to do great with her once. 231 00:19:03,770 --> 00:19:04,810 She said, I have children. 232 00:19:05,070 --> 00:19:05,670 We made one of them. 233 00:19:05,750 --> 00:19:06,930 So don't you talk like that to me. 234 00:19:07,010 --> 00:19:08,030 I just replied and said, great. 235 00:19:08,550 --> 00:19:09,510 I was like, oh, okay. 236 00:19:10,690 --> 00:19:11,130 That was great. 237 00:19:12,490 --> 00:19:14,750 So now I get to tell my sponsor what I do with your thoughts. 238 00:19:14,850 --> 00:19:15,990 And for free, I'm doing this. 239 00:19:16,150 --> 00:19:16,390 All right. 240 00:19:16,650 --> 00:19:17,930 This is Life and Dance. 241 00:19:18,030 --> 00:19:19,070 We are rocking today. 242 00:19:19,270 --> 00:19:20,110 It should not be nice. 243 00:19:20,350 --> 00:19:22,190 And I don't want to be bumping my way right now. 244 00:19:22,290 --> 00:19:23,210 This is music right now. 245 00:19:23,390 --> 00:19:23,910 I don't want to be here. 246 00:19:24,130 --> 00:19:28,870 I should not be happy, Joyce, and free. 247 00:19:29,150 --> 00:19:33,930 I'm so thankful I have that strong foundation. 248 00:19:34,350 --> 00:19:35,430 I didn't vote my first year. 249 00:19:35,490 --> 00:19:39,590 My husband teased me my entire first year because I would try each time I share. 250 00:19:39,590 --> 00:19:41,790 I would go to this Friday night meeting. 251 00:19:42,150 --> 00:19:43,890 I would go to this Friday night meeting. 252 00:19:43,890 --> 00:19:44,650 It's Friday night. 253 00:19:44,770 --> 00:19:47,370 And he liked me. 254 00:19:48,030 --> 00:19:50,350 And he liked me. 255 00:19:50,690 --> 00:19:53,770 We started dating when I was like two. 256 00:19:54,730 --> 00:19:56,590 So we've been together for 14. 257 00:19:57,150 --> 00:19:57,890 We've been together for a minute. 258 00:19:58,730 --> 00:20:00,050 I didn't know how to communicate. 259 00:20:00,430 --> 00:20:02,810 I didn't know how to be a sponsor with things. 260 00:20:02,970 --> 00:20:05,410 Like, oh, my God, they're hiring me for subordination. 261 00:20:06,230 --> 00:20:07,190 I don't know how to tell them. 262 00:20:07,290 --> 00:20:09,070 I'm like, it's a great subordination. 263 00:20:09,350 --> 00:20:09,890 She's like, really? 264 00:20:10,010 --> 00:20:10,870 I'm not your boss. 265 00:20:11,030 --> 00:20:12,450 And I was like, well, yeah. 266 00:20:12,450 --> 00:20:13,790 I was like, that's not important. 267 00:20:14,010 --> 00:20:14,070 Sorry. 268 00:20:14,770 --> 00:20:17,050 I was like, oh, don't you even apologize. 269 00:20:17,530 --> 00:20:18,630 She can't be a manager. 270 00:20:18,630 --> 00:20:19,490 You're not getting a beard. 271 00:20:20,130 --> 00:20:24,950 I could tell her that my boss had told me to start working in a major in project team meetings. 272 00:20:27,070 --> 00:20:29,450 And she would tell me that I had to be open-minded. 273 00:20:29,750 --> 00:20:33,490 She'd learn how to say, hmm, that might work. 274 00:20:34,050 --> 00:20:35,390 Or, hmm, you're going to be a major. 275 00:20:35,850 --> 00:20:40,490 And this is because I saw her trying telling her that someone told me something that I 276 00:20:40,490 --> 00:20:41,890 think that they shouldn't have told me. 277 00:20:41,890 --> 00:20:43,490 I'm breaking my check-ins. 278 00:20:43,730 --> 00:20:44,730 My check-ins are working. 279 00:20:44,770 --> 00:20:46,030 We believe they told me this. 280 00:20:46,250 --> 00:20:47,550 We believe they told me this. 281 00:20:47,570 --> 00:20:48,450 And she was like, well, yeah. 282 00:20:48,810 --> 00:20:49,950 And I'm thankful for that. 283 00:20:50,150 --> 00:20:55,130 She taught me how to communicate with people instead of wanting to bang their heads against 284 00:20:55,130 --> 00:20:55,630 the side of them. 285 00:20:55,950 --> 00:20:59,430 And she told me to start standing right away. 286 00:21:00,070 --> 00:21:01,250 And I hate God. 287 00:21:01,530 --> 00:21:05,870 I thought of God as that guy that my mom was pretending to be. 288 00:21:06,390 --> 00:21:10,630 And so when Bill started reading the book, I'm so thankful Bill's story was right there. 289 00:21:10,630 --> 00:21:14,690 The story was right there right after the doctor's opinion, because Bill shared his whole story. 290 00:21:14,770 --> 00:21:19,430 But what Bill shared in his story was that he didn't need to believe in a religious God. 291 00:21:19,430 --> 00:21:21,050 It could be anyone whom he wanted. 292 00:21:21,050 --> 00:21:24,650 So I'm so thankful that I got to read that before we got into all the other stuff, because 293 00:21:24,650 --> 00:21:25,650 I already had it out. 294 00:21:25,650 --> 00:21:26,650 I already had it out. 295 00:21:26,650 --> 00:21:27,650 I didn't need to get back into religion. 296 00:21:27,650 --> 00:21:28,650 And so how I prayed to my God in the beginning was like, all right, big guy, I don't even 297 00:21:28,650 --> 00:21:29,650 care about you, but I'm supposed to pray to you because my sponsor told me to and whatever, 298 00:21:29,650 --> 00:21:30,650 whatever, whatever. 299 00:21:30,650 --> 00:21:31,650 And those were my prayers. 300 00:21:31,650 --> 00:21:32,650 And those were my prayers in the beginning. 301 00:21:32,650 --> 00:21:33,650 She said, I don't care, but I was initially conversating with God. 302 00:21:33,650 --> 00:21:34,650 We were conversating with something greater than human. 303 00:21:34,650 --> 00:21:35,650 And those were my prayers. 304 00:21:35,650 --> 00:21:36,650 My prayers are I'm grateful I get to be here with you. 305 00:21:36,650 --> 00:21:37,650 I'm grateful I get to be here with Vanessa getting in the coin with me and driving me 306 00:21:37,650 --> 00:21:38,650 home. 307 00:21:38,650 --> 00:21:39,650 I don't know what she's doing there. 308 00:21:39,650 --> 00:21:40,650 I got chimes. 309 00:21:40,650 --> 00:21:41,650 Oh, God, look, I have a great boy. 310 00:21:41,650 --> 00:21:42,650 Three-ish. 311 00:21:42,650 --> 00:21:43,650 Three-ish. 312 00:21:43,650 --> 00:21:44,650 I have a great boy right here. 313 00:21:44,650 --> 00:21:45,650 I met him a month ago and he was my best. 314 00:21:45,650 --> 00:21:46,650 He was pleasant. 315 00:21:46,650 --> 00:21:47,650 Just like me. 316 00:21:47,650 --> 00:21:48,650 He was a great boy. 317 00:21:48,650 --> 00:21:49,650 He was a great boy. 318 00:21:49,650 --> 00:21:50,650 He was a great boy. 319 00:21:50,650 --> 00:21:51,650 He was a great boy. 320 00:21:51,650 --> 00:21:52,650 He was a great boy. 321 00:21:52,650 --> 00:21:53,650 He was a great boy. 322 00:21:53,650 --> 00:21:54,650 He was a great boy. 323 00:21:54,650 --> 00:21:55,650 He was a great boy. 324 00:21:55,650 --> 00:21:56,650 He was pleasant. 325 00:21:56,650 --> 00:21:57,650 I got chimes. 326 00:21:57,650 --> 00:21:58,650 I have a great boy. 327 00:21:58,650 --> 00:21:59,650 Three-ish. 328 00:21:59,650 --> 00:22:00,650 Three-ish. 329 00:22:00,650 --> 00:22:01,650 I have a great boy. 330 00:22:01,650 --> 00:22:02,650 There's a guy right here. 331 00:22:02,650 --> 00:22:03,650 I met him a month ago and he was my best. 332 00:22:03,650 --> 00:22:06,650 His cousin just got a little over three years sober and we were just talking about his 333 00:22:06,650 --> 00:22:07,650 cousin last night and what happened to him. 334 00:22:07,650 --> 00:22:08,650 Well, he may be going to other meetings and hopefully he wins. 335 00:22:08,650 --> 00:22:09,650 But my plan is that first year, we're excited. 336 00:22:09,650 --> 00:22:10,650 That first year is a gift. 337 00:22:10,650 --> 00:22:12,250 That first year, get in the middle of your home group. 338 00:22:12,250 --> 00:22:17,850 I got in the middle of my home group because what happens is after like first year, that's 339 00:22:17,850 --> 00:22:18,830 a gift. 340 00:22:18,830 --> 00:22:22,330 of my home group. Because what happens is after that first year, that's a gift. And if you're not 341 00:22:22,330 --> 00:22:27,090 connected, if you're not reaching out, you're gone. These relationships, do those five, three 342 00:22:27,090 --> 00:22:31,790 calls, 20 calls a day. I don't care. Do those calls. Get out of your home group. That first 343 00:22:31,790 --> 00:22:35,630 year is a gift. And after that, it's all in you. Are you willing to lay down and put as much effort 344 00:22:35,630 --> 00:22:39,890 into Alcoholics Anonymous as you did your drinking? As you did hating your family? As you 345 00:22:39,890 --> 00:22:43,750 did killing your son while I was? I don't know why. I just didn't want to die. I just didn't 346 00:22:43,750 --> 00:22:47,630 want to feel dead. I used to wake up every day wishing I would be dead. Wake up dead. I know 347 00:22:47,630 --> 00:22:53,710 it sounds so weird. I was just a wish. You know, I'm excited when my husband tells me I'm beautiful 348 00:22:53,710 --> 00:23:00,350 at my makeup. You know, that's a gift. I did my makeup and the color is charming. My brush looks 349 00:23:00,350 --> 00:23:13,890 terrible. Oh my God. So I get the hair thing. I don't know how to communicate. He comes from a 350 00:23:13,890 --> 00:23:17,230 different kind of family than I do. He's so bad. 351 00:23:17,950 --> 00:23:22,370 They thought getting sober meant getting perfect. And I have to read this line over and over and 352 00:23:22,370 --> 00:23:27,450 this is, this is, this came from me for a lifetime. It's not about getting perfect. 353 00:23:27,670 --> 00:23:32,470 It's about learning how to be the person that God wants you to be one day at a time, 354 00:23:32,610 --> 00:23:37,770 or a little bit at a time. I didn't know I wanted to be that person because I was nice for me, 355 00:23:37,830 --> 00:23:42,070 because I didn't say something mean to you that that would give me peace. For me, because I picked 356 00:23:42,070 --> 00:23:45,810 up the phone for a meeting when I was growing up. I was at first, by the end of the show, I'm like, 357 00:23:45,810 --> 00:23:47,230 oh my God, that gave me joy. 358 00:23:47,950 --> 00:23:52,150 I wanted to be this good person. I didn't know I wanted my thoughts all to evolve. I didn't know I 359 00:23:52,150 --> 00:23:55,910 wanted my thoughts all to evolve. You guys showed me that. You guys showed me that because when I 360 00:23:55,910 --> 00:24:00,430 would say shoot it out, you guys would forgive me. When I would come here with attitude, when I would 361 00:24:00,430 --> 00:24:04,290 get rid of things that you guys would forgive me, I thought that's not okay. I got to tell you that 362 00:24:04,290 --> 00:24:09,510 in a play play. I didn't want to become a woman in here. I did not know I wanted to be. I did not 363 00:24:09,510 --> 00:24:15,710 know that that was going to give me peace and joy. I've been around kids for a long time. I was 364 00:24:15,710 --> 00:24:16,510 trying to have kids. 365 00:24:17,950 --> 00:24:22,110 It's a whole journey in itself with ups and downs and we didn't even know if we were going to stay 366 00:24:22,110 --> 00:24:29,150 married. Because we only got married because we loved each other, not because of this ideal that 367 00:24:29,150 --> 00:24:35,150 we wanted. And seven years ago, I had went into cardiac arrest at work and I died. And they 368 00:24:35,150 --> 00:24:40,950 rushed me to the hospital. They bring me back. I went to the hospital. I said, you hated, 369 00:24:41,110 --> 00:24:47,010 hated, unhappy people. Hated you people that got your families back. They got to have kids. They 370 00:24:47,010 --> 00:24:47,930 got to have all this. 371 00:24:47,950 --> 00:24:54,190 But I knew, I knew that hurt went first. I knew that anger went first because I was sober my first 372 00:24:54,190 --> 00:24:58,650 year. I knew what it was like to show up angry, full of hate and rage because I did that my first 373 00:24:58,650 --> 00:25:03,550 year. And so when I had different, seven years sober, seven years ago was I had some program in 374 00:25:03,550 --> 00:25:07,250 me. I knew how to talk a little better than I thought. I knew how to stick out my hand for the 375 00:25:07,250 --> 00:25:12,450 moment. I got so many sponsors that year. It was insane. Thank God for Alcoholics Anonymous. I 376 00:25:12,450 --> 00:25:16,350 think I was the only one that was filled up on the phone. I was sponsored by a ton of people today. 377 00:25:16,350 --> 00:25:17,030 I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful. I'm so 378 00:25:17,030 --> 00:25:18,030 grateful. I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful. I'm so 379 00:25:18,030 --> 00:25:19,030 grateful. I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful. I'm so 380 00:25:19,030 --> 00:25:20,030 grateful. I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful. I'm so 381 00:25:20,030 --> 00:25:21,030 grateful. I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful. I'm so 382 00:25:21,030 --> 00:25:22,030 grateful. I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful. I'm so 383 00:25:22,030 --> 00:25:23,030 grateful. I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful. I'm so 384 00:25:23,030 --> 00:25:33,830 foster kids, and I'm joking about the one of you guys, and I showed up. I showed up happy. I showed 385 00:25:33,830 --> 00:25:41,110 up angry. Consistently, as I stuck out my hand, I couldn't look them in. I couldn't look them in. 386 00:25:41,110 --> 00:25:45,510 I've been medically realized, because when that had happened to me about seven years ago, 387 00:25:45,590 --> 00:25:50,330 my health has never been the same. I've had these autoimmune disorders that they don't know what to 388 00:25:50,330 --> 00:25:58,630 do with. I get to do Alcoholics Anonymous. My husband just had foot surgery, and so both of 389 00:25:58,630 --> 00:26:06,390 us have not been good. People are showing up and bringing in a small group to our home. Thank God 390 00:26:06,390 --> 00:26:11,710 we have sponsors, and we're keeping this out of self. People get what they can do in the midst of 391 00:26:11,710 --> 00:26:16,790 it. My sponsor's like, hey, let's minimize what's happening. Let's hope you guys are new, 392 00:26:17,090 --> 00:26:19,930 because that's how we secure ourselves. And you know, she told me, 393 00:26:20,330 --> 00:26:32,950 what is those things? And I don't know who to define first. But now we know how to actually say 394 00:26:32,950 --> 00:26:41,850 things like, I don't look at it that way. It'll come back to this. And that's really cheesy. 395 00:26:43,730 --> 00:26:49,350 It's okay. He doesn't get tired of listening to me speak. I think I'm a much better speaker than 396 00:26:49,350 --> 00:26:49,610 I am. 397 00:26:50,330 --> 00:26:55,530 I listen to my husband and his journey. If I get to see the man he's become in my life, 398 00:26:55,750 --> 00:27:01,530 I know everything he says is true. I'm keeping patient. He's been trying. I don't know how he 399 00:27:01,530 --> 00:27:06,010 put up with me. I don't know how he put up with me. He must be because me, I'm beautiful today. 400 00:27:06,010 --> 00:27:12,330 I remember my grandma passed like this a couple years ago. And you guys showed me how to do her 401 00:27:12,330 --> 00:27:18,430 thing. I didn't know what to do, because I know my aunts and my mom, they're smoking crack. I 402 00:27:18,430 --> 00:27:19,630 got this going on at the funeral. 403 00:27:20,330 --> 00:27:23,770 And I think you guys got to help me put on that funeral. So my grandma had a good funeral. 404 00:27:23,770 --> 00:27:28,750 But I was a good person. I really wish I could have been at the funeral. But I was the best I could 405 00:27:28,750 --> 00:27:35,550 be at that time. At the end of my birthday, my grandma would not say goodbye, because she was 406 00:27:35,550 --> 00:27:43,050 scared of me. She didn't know if she was going to get home. I was just scared. And I got to be 407 00:27:43,050 --> 00:27:48,170 with my grandma. I got to bring her a whole strawberry shortcake Sunday. I was smoking and 408 00:27:48,170 --> 00:27:49,450 doing all that thing. I know, because my parents are sick. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. 409 00:27:49,450 --> 00:27:50,730 I know. I know. I know. But I got to know how to be there for my family. So my sister said, 410 00:27:50,730 --> 00:27:57,110 go there right now. I got to go get to a meeting. So I got to know how to be there for my family. 411 00:27:57,110 --> 00:28:05,710 And stay sober. And I got to be with you guys. I was going to be sick. And I wish I could have 412 00:28:05,710 --> 00:28:09,710 been there. My granddad got to be there. His dad and his son. He was speaking English, but we 413 00:28:09,710 --> 00:28:15,030 communicated. I don't know how to be very fun. So one night, it was just night. Where's Deidre? 414 00:28:15,030 --> 00:28:17,450 And it was like, she's really gorgeous. And, you know, she doesn't have a boyfriend. She's got a 415 00:28:17,450 --> 00:28:20,450 and, you know, communicated like that. 416 00:28:20,450 --> 00:28:22,810 And his family always tells me, 417 00:28:22,890 --> 00:28:24,230 I thought you wanted some medicine. 418 00:28:24,530 --> 00:28:25,950 I couldn't tell you what I was going to do. 419 00:28:28,140 --> 00:28:30,360 But I remember when I told her that. 420 00:28:30,880 --> 00:28:32,220 I'm going to look something. 421 00:28:32,660 --> 00:28:34,040 All she saw was kindness, 422 00:28:34,680 --> 00:28:36,060 thoughtfulness, and service. 423 00:28:36,480 --> 00:28:37,280 And that's you guys. 424 00:28:37,540 --> 00:28:39,040 I didn't know what she was doing. 425 00:28:39,600 --> 00:28:40,620 I didn't know what she was doing. 426 00:28:41,120 --> 00:28:43,100 If I could sit here and go 427 00:28:43,100 --> 00:28:45,820 try to risk my life at 3 o'clock in the morning 428 00:28:45,820 --> 00:28:47,180 to go do what I need to do, 429 00:28:47,180 --> 00:28:49,000 why can't I ask a secretary for a commitment? 430 00:28:49,280 --> 00:28:50,660 If I could sit here 431 00:28:50,660 --> 00:28:52,680 and look at the things I did over the years, 432 00:28:52,760 --> 00:28:55,040 why can't I look for a woman at the hammock? 433 00:28:55,160 --> 00:28:57,160 I remember the kind of things that started to talk to me 434 00:28:57,160 --> 00:28:58,400 when I was nearly sober. 435 00:28:58,860 --> 00:29:00,200 The thought that I was down to do it 436 00:29:00,200 --> 00:29:01,820 for my drug and for my drug, 437 00:29:01,860 --> 00:29:03,440 but I can't do it for a woman who's dying, 438 00:29:03,580 --> 00:29:04,160 it's like I think, 439 00:29:04,300 --> 00:29:05,840 and so my women give me attitude. 440 00:29:06,720 --> 00:29:07,820 I get that. 441 00:29:07,900 --> 00:29:08,960 Those are the women I go to. 442 00:29:09,240 --> 00:29:10,700 I live in the 2-to-1s, 443 00:29:10,760 --> 00:29:11,520 because that's who I was, 444 00:29:11,540 --> 00:29:13,200 because I got married to a woman I was new to. 445 00:29:13,200 --> 00:29:15,500 And I think that's what I would do. 446 00:29:15,500 --> 00:29:16,240 I don't know. 447 00:29:16,420 --> 00:29:16,940 I don't know. 448 00:29:16,940 --> 00:29:17,000 I don't know. 449 00:29:17,180 --> 00:29:17,880 They still look at me, 450 00:29:17,980 --> 00:29:19,080 and those are the ones I like, 451 00:29:19,120 --> 00:29:19,420 and I'm like, 452 00:29:19,500 --> 00:29:20,000 oh my gosh, 453 00:29:20,340 --> 00:29:20,960 I look like this. 454 00:29:21,240 --> 00:29:21,600 I don't know. 455 00:29:22,500 --> 00:29:23,400 I think it's crazy. 456 00:29:23,640 --> 00:29:24,320 Like, I looked at those, 457 00:29:24,380 --> 00:29:25,080 and I was crazy. 458 00:29:25,820 --> 00:29:26,140 I don't know. 459 00:29:26,340 --> 00:29:26,540 I don't know. 460 00:29:26,580 --> 00:29:27,840 I don't know what to sponsor with them today. 461 00:29:28,080 --> 00:29:29,040 I don't like their attitude, 462 00:29:29,220 --> 00:29:30,480 three, five years into disability. 463 00:29:30,760 --> 00:29:31,040 I don't know. 464 00:29:31,440 --> 00:29:32,360 That replies too, 465 00:29:32,440 --> 00:29:34,480 because it always ends up happening to me. 466 00:29:34,600 --> 00:29:35,680 I need to be comfortable 467 00:29:35,680 --> 00:29:37,720 with my skin and Alcoholics Anonymous. 468 00:29:38,100 --> 00:29:39,240 I need to be that kind, 469 00:29:39,400 --> 00:29:40,380 gentle, loving woman. 470 00:29:40,480 --> 00:29:42,280 I don't want to be that food controller. 471 00:29:42,280 --> 00:29:43,220 That is not right. 472 00:29:43,220 --> 00:29:44,340 I don't want it to be at all. 473 00:29:44,420 --> 00:29:45,560 I just want it to be 474 00:29:45,560 --> 00:29:47,080 a good person with no time. 475 00:29:47,240 --> 00:29:48,580 And you guys help me see that. 476 00:29:48,580 --> 00:29:49,820 You guys help me see 477 00:29:49,820 --> 00:29:51,220 that life without drinking, 478 00:29:51,500 --> 00:29:53,320 life without hurting people first, 479 00:29:53,560 --> 00:29:54,660 I've been hurt sober. 480 00:29:54,820 --> 00:29:55,980 But you guys showed me that 481 00:29:55,980 --> 00:29:57,180 I can get through that. 482 00:29:57,420 --> 00:29:58,340 Life is a journey. 483 00:29:58,680 --> 00:29:59,940 And so when somebody said 484 00:29:59,940 --> 00:30:01,280 that they try to do what they would 485 00:30:01,280 --> 00:30:02,500 when they were nearly sober, 486 00:30:02,720 --> 00:30:04,160 that is what I try to do today. 487 00:30:04,620 --> 00:30:06,240 So it's related to family. 488 00:30:06,600 --> 00:30:07,160 Is it ready? 489 00:30:07,860 --> 00:30:08,620 Right, sorry. 490 00:30:08,620 --> 00:30:11,460 I do, 16 years later, 491 00:30:11,580 --> 00:30:12,640 I'm doing what I tried to, 492 00:30:12,700 --> 00:30:13,200 what I've been doing, 493 00:30:13,220 --> 00:30:14,500 since I was nearly sober. 494 00:30:14,680 --> 00:30:15,460 I get to a meeting. 495 00:30:15,640 --> 00:30:16,600 I call my sponsor. 496 00:30:16,980 --> 00:30:17,380 That's fine. 497 00:30:17,640 --> 00:30:19,320 I become the sponsor I wanted to be. 498 00:30:19,600 --> 00:30:20,940 Well, I'm not my sponsor used to be. 499 00:30:21,640 --> 00:30:22,200 And I'm like, 500 00:30:22,200 --> 00:30:23,140 I'm going to be a person 501 00:30:23,140 --> 00:30:24,560 when I'm really not sober. 502 00:30:25,080 --> 00:30:25,800 I might not be. 503 00:30:26,440 --> 00:30:26,840 Right? 504 00:30:27,300 --> 00:30:27,680 Mm-hmm. 505 00:30:27,900 --> 00:30:28,700 And I got a little bit. 506 00:30:29,020 --> 00:30:30,260 I was supposed to go on a date tonight 507 00:30:30,260 --> 00:30:31,300 and they took too long 508 00:30:31,300 --> 00:30:31,980 to do my brush. 509 00:30:32,440 --> 00:30:33,200 And that was, 510 00:30:33,440 --> 00:30:34,380 I don't know, 511 00:30:34,740 --> 00:30:36,530 things like that. 512 00:30:36,650 --> 00:30:38,370 It's much more clear in my life 513 00:30:38,370 --> 00:30:39,330 that makes me realize 514 00:30:39,330 --> 00:30:40,390 that my life's a miracle. 515 00:30:40,750 --> 00:30:41,650 So for those of you 516 00:30:41,650 --> 00:30:42,510 who are in the group, 517 00:30:42,510 --> 00:30:42,870 please, 518 00:30:42,990 --> 00:30:43,230 please, 519 00:30:43,290 --> 00:30:43,930 I beg of you, 520 00:30:44,470 --> 00:30:45,310 put as much effort 521 00:30:45,310 --> 00:30:47,110 into your Alcoholics Anonymous. 522 00:30:47,730 --> 00:30:48,130 I don't know. 523 00:30:48,250 --> 00:30:48,950 You did. 524 00:30:49,210 --> 00:30:49,990 You were drinking. 525 00:30:50,410 --> 00:30:51,010 Like, honestly, 526 00:30:51,270 --> 00:30:52,670 this is a really tight meeting 527 00:30:52,670 --> 00:30:53,170 to relax. 528 00:30:53,290 --> 00:30:53,410 You know, 529 00:30:53,450 --> 00:30:53,990 we got so many 530 00:30:53,990 --> 00:30:54,350 good guys. 531 00:30:55,410 --> 00:30:56,570 This is the spot. 532 00:30:57,470 --> 00:30:59,570 You heard that this meeting 533 00:30:59,570 --> 00:31:01,330 can offer another meeting 534 00:31:01,330 --> 00:31:01,970 that's been around 535 00:31:01,970 --> 00:31:03,270 for a little over 30 years. 536 00:31:04,150 --> 00:31:05,550 This meeting's still strong. 537 00:31:05,690 --> 00:31:06,730 There's a range of people 538 00:31:06,730 --> 00:31:07,590 that are in 539 00:31:07,590 --> 00:31:09,030 for the time of this meeting. 540 00:31:09,170 --> 00:31:09,870 That's a good meeting. 541 00:31:09,990 --> 00:31:11,250 So if you're in that current meeting, 542 00:31:11,670 --> 00:31:12,250 get in the middle 543 00:31:12,250 --> 00:31:12,950 of this whole group. 544 00:31:12,950 --> 00:31:13,670 You're in the right place. 545 00:31:13,750 --> 00:31:14,710 Thank you for letting me share.