Thank you for asking me to share. I really want to thank Greg. Great talks. We really should be able to go home. Thank you very much. Let's go.
I identify with both of you. We're very close. We have the same background. You are me and I are you and we are one. My sobriety date is August the 3rd, 1943. And like Greg, I only drank before. I used to.
Anyway, so I'm an Alcoholics Anonymous and I love and I don't feel divided from that situation. I'm very grateful for that because I also said I love that you have this traffic light on the podium, which once I went to a meeting, I had to speak at their home and they have this on the podium.
And the secretary there, she said, whatever you do, when you see that yellow light go off, start winding down. And when it goes red, you better be in it.
So I was so obsessed looking at the traffic light. I'm a family girl, but I grew up on the west side. I grew up in a lower house. But we had three brothers.
When I was about, he was the drinker. But I knew people. I knew my dad. You know, I've always been very, very.
Because if you like me, I like you back. It doesn't get any worse. And I knew they did.
And so when they got to the house, Monday night, my dad would come and pick me up, take each of us one on one.
So Monday night was my night and he would show up in his 54 Chevy convertible and, you know, his hair was so bad.
And this was before they had seatbelt laws, apparently, because I would sit in the passenger, I would stand in the passenger seatbelt, actually.
He'd have, I guess it was before they had open painter laws.
You know, you could have a bourbon in one hand and a cigarette in the other. And I'd be standing home cruising down to the Thunderbird Hotel in the stadium with the dick-busted manicurist that worked there.
And then before we took me home, we'd stop off at the Melody Room Bar. And I was, you know, five, six, seven.
I didn't know much except I loved the lighting. I knew the lighting was good.
And I knew my dad was very popular. Everybody knew Chet.
I loved Chet. We're all talking and jovial.
This is nice.
Fun.
And I obviously followed him away.
But then he'd take me home and then my mother, I had a wonderful mother, however, it was, again, it was the 50s.
So she remarried and she remarried this guy, much like, I think it was, he was my stepfather.
Now, this man is now 98 years old.
But at the time, he was my stepfather and I didn't like this guy.
Maybe I didn't like this guy because he wasn't, you know, that's probably all it was.
I hated him.
And we, you know, it was, the war was ending.
And yet my brothers were fine.
They were fine with it.
They were very different from my brother.
I was the bad guy.
I was the disturbed.
I came out of the womb, not evil, but evil.
But because, as we know, I was hysteric, phobic, and I was anxious, and I was energetic, and always, my brothers always did the right thing, never did the right thing.
So early on, my stepfather had this punishment.
It was called the white chair.
It was a white chair in my bedroom, and they would send me there.
And I was always on the damn white chair.
I mean, I was always on the white chair.
And I was supposed to sit there and think about how I was going to change.
And my head, and I would, but I, that's not what I did.
But I realized early on, when I was a child, seven, eight, that, you know, you're going to be here a lot, and you better figure out a way how to change.
So I did.
And I developed my first drug of choice.
And I was so good at fantasizing.
I moved into my thing.
I created all of the family that I called the house.
And I knew everything that they did during the day, and I just moved in.
And it got to the point they did not have a white chair.
I went there first.
And when I say I was on that white chair.
I wasn't six to 16, and I'm sort of not exactly, but I have this fear that we as alcoholics and addicts, we can, I don't know why that is, but I had a cast of normal.
I was a freak.
I mean, it was never a reality.
I knew nothing about life on the white screen.
When I'd be on the white chair on occasion, the door to my room would be ajar, and I'd see my three brothers hurrying by, and I'd think, what are they doing?
And I knew that on some level, I think I knew that they were present in life.
I didn't know if those two were in those things, but whatever they're doing, it's a lot different.
I didn't know how to do what they were doing, and so I was punished a lot, and one year, I was about 13, I must have lied, and really got, and I was also one of those people, everything that made was contempt for my attorney.
Even things I liked, like, well, hey, we're all going to go to Disneyland, do you want to go?
No.
I mean, yes, but no.
You know what I mean?
I was just, you know.
And right away, I was a Girl Scout.
I was school.
I was the University.
I was the other one.
On the outside, I passed for normal.
But when I was maybe 13, I was, you know, I had a point.
But when I was 13, I lied, and they put me on the white chair, you know, it was a thumb up.
And it's really, seriously, and they called it privilege restriction, and I couldn't talk, and I had to write on a tablet, and I couldn't use the telephone, and I couldn't go, I was sort of imprisoned in the backyard, and I went to bed at 3.
Well, I really got pissed at that time.
So what I did is I had this neighbor across the street, and I started moving there a lot.
I had, you know, a little transistor, radio, earphone, and I could entertain myself.
I started getting really mad.
I was already off course, but now I'm really, really going off of the game.
And every once in a while, my stepfather would bring me out.
I'd better do it our way.
And I'd look at him, and I'd be like, now, everything would have been okay.
I'd just go back to my room.
Well, after that summer, I really hated my hair.
I mean, I cut that ponytail.
I just went bizarre.
I cut the ponytail off.
They were ratting my hair super hard.
They were really tight.
I had short skirts and a lot of makeup.
I mean, I turned it.
I went from a Girl Scout to a low-rider chair.
Like, over and over.
And even today, when I went back to school, I attracted an entire new group of people.
And they were the low-riders at Westchester.
If you don't know what a low-rider was, I don't know what you'll have.
In those days, my boyfriend, who was the biggest drug addict in all of Westchester,
had this old, vintage, old snowmobile.
It looked like a child.
All right.
And I did.
I smashed my hair down.
He could get in the car.
And what they had, they were big.
Back now, it's nothing great.
It even was, you know, it's huge.
I love it.
But I never had to put it off.
I never had to put it off.
It was always around here.
I never had to put it off.
I didn't even buy it.
I should be sorry.
Yes, yes.
Oh, I hate you.
You know.
Kay S, Quality of Life, Alcoholics Anonymous, AA, sobriety, sponsor, home group
and it wasn't that it was so delicious, I found that stuff, I couldn't put drugs down
necessarily, it's legal, it's cheap, you can get it at a drugstore, why would you not do
that, if it's not good on a Friday night, it's a great Saturday night, and I just got
it, and I was just this pathetic little alcoholic, and I would get jobs, I don't know, I would
always get a job, I was kind of good in the beginning, you know how we are, I was always
good in the beginning until they kind of found out who I was, and I'd also have a lot of
roommates, I lived everywhere in the Midwest, I didn't live in the Valley, but everywhere
in the West Side you could possibly live, because I'd meet someone at a party, she's
kind of fun, they'd ask me to move in, and within three months they'd ask me, and that's
all I did, and I used to go to the liquor store, and I would go there every day, because
I'm going to get my two jugs of yellow, right?
And I'm going to get my two jugs of yellow, and I'm going to get my two jugs of yellow,
and I'm going to get my two jugs of yellow, and I'm going to get my two jugs of yellow,
and one day, it occurred to me, having gone to Jerry's every day, you know, they might
think I have, and I didn't, they were really at me, so, I said, well, I'll let them think
about it, I think it is possible, I thought, well, how, well, men shave, so you gotta get
a bottle of, you know, opiate shaving cream for me, I always get a bottle, you know,
I'm in a box with two full of cigars, and I would smoke those cigars, and the moment
Kay S, Quality of Life, Alcoholics Anonymous, AA, sobriety, sponsor, home group
figure eights, I don't know why I did that, it just would be, you don't have to do much,
do we figure eights in a parking lot, and that's what I would do, you know, and it's
fun.
You know, here's the other thing I think I want to look back now, about how we get
weird and we're pathetic and we're addicts, but how some way you have to justify your
feelings, that's okay, it's okay, everything became, it's okay, and then it moved into,
I don't care, it's okay and I don't care, you know, I didn't care about anything after
a while.
I'm doing this drinking and, you know, I'm being sort of pathetic, and then it would
also be something that is very unkind, you know, there's two kinds of women, I always
wanted, by the way, to have the kind of a story, you have to have your own story, I
always wanted the kind of a story, I mean, which is practically a joke, you know, right,
she's still in the kids, you know what I'm saying, it goes to the hospital, and now
it's just me.
I don't care, I don't care, I don't care, I don't care, I don't care, she never was
here, never came here, I mean, there are women who complain that they slept all the way around
and there was that guy, and there's a worse one, and that's the kind guy I love, which
was to promise that something might happen at the end of the day, and never put up, it's
what I mean, it was very unclear, but then we used to love as a man, and then finally
in the end, all my bosses.
We were these men, these men, we never, we'd always be so, one of my bosses towards the
end, and all of his hands were very particular, and I was his assistant, and I was supposed
to file these photographs, and I didn't like being an assistant, and I finally heard that
call, I had to throw out what I meant to put in.
So I didn't have, it didn't happen, sorry, Daryl, and Daryl called me in and kind of
got tears in his eyes, and I said, you're my drinking buddy, you know, we're going to
have sex later, and anyway, and she let me move in with her, and she had a three-year-old
son who intimidated me, who were always arguing about something, you know.
And I looked at him, and I was like, no, he was like drinking this, he was blue, with
a 10 milligram value, and I'm taking my time, and I still have a night of anxiety, that's
going to knock the cow out, you know what I'm saying, and I'm vaccinated, and I'm loaded
with anxiety, you know, I'm just constantly having anxiety attacks, I can't go to supermarkets
anymore, I get tense, I get frightened, I want to leave now, but again, well, that's
okay, do I need to go?
No.
Well, you know, everything became smaller.
Smaller and smaller, and I don't care, and towards the end, and I love certainly what
you said, I've heard this a million times, I've heard it a billion times, that Chris,
the alcoholic Chris, right, no hell of a lot, and we're all here tonight because we've
said it once, and what happened is one day, I also used to go every night, and we'd go
to the gym, and we'd go to the gym, and I remember towards the end, I had a 440 Magnum
engine.
I don't know what exactly what that means, but I do know that if you don't have your
foot on the gas, it idles for 65 minutes, and it was army green there, and then I would
go to Jack in the Box, and I would tell them to go to Jack in the Box to order dinner from
an inanimate object, and, you know, in the early days, I would order from, and I would
do the same thing every day, I only had my, got me 19 bottles, got me cigarettes, and
I would order dinner at dinner every night, I would do the same thing, breakfast, Jack
in the Box.
I would do that.
When I would make that order, I was 22 years old, and it took every bit of courage and
strength I've given up.
My aspirations of a 22-year-old woman had come true.
I ate at Jack's one time, and I'd be so proud of myself, and I had mastered it, and I kind
of hope they don't look in my Dodge Challenger because I've got breakfast Jack wrappers in
there, and, you know, it's an alcoholic, and then I'd go home, and I'd put on the same
record every night, and it was Joni Mitchell's Port and Spark, right off, 1974, because when
I put this on.
I would listen to it, and it kind of rocked on my back, kind of like what he's doing in
the white chair, but now I'm in a building, so I'm kind of, you know, and I'm smoking,
and I'm drinking my wine, I'm kind of looking in the mirror, and for one split second, I
was not in the state of spiritual prayer, I just got a glimpse and said, God help me,
I don't even know if I meant it, I don't know, but I said, God help me, it's about to change.
The next morning, I was on my, you know, the next day, I was starting Santa Monica Junior
College, night number one, I don't do night number two, but I do night number one, and
night number two, they expect something, but I'm going to Santa Monica Junior College,
and I'm starting, it's a product, it was October the 1st, 1974, I can't wait, I'm dressed, I
was dressed like I am now, you know, like winter, only it's like 100 degrees, but I
don't know, I've got makeup on top of last night, so it's not good, but I get into my
car, and I look over, and there's this girl getting out of a blue van, and I ran up to
her, and I said, I'm lost, and I don't know how to get to her, she said, all right, I'll
help you, so we're walking through the campus, and she said, I don't know how to get to you,
what class are you taking, and I said, well, you know, business management, whatever,
and I asked her what she was taking, but I didn't care, I had seen human beings pass
that in, so I said, yeah, that's what she always does, so I said, what class are you
taking, and I said, I'm here tonight to give a lecture on alcoholics, and she's like, no,
and I said, that's weird, I said, yeah, I'm thinking I might need to go on the way, and
she said, well, you should go right now, and I said, give me your phone, and she said,
yeah, I don't know how to get to you, because I'm going to get a lecture, and the next
morning, I'm using my phone with my great-granddaughter, and we're talking, and I was like, what
your question was, and she said, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, but, and I said,
I'm going to get a lecture on alcoholics, and she said, I don't know, I don't know,
leave me alone, and I said, I'm sorry, but I'm not going to get to you.
I said, the next morning, I'm leaving my, and she said, and I asked Jay leaned on him,
and I said, no, I've told you everything, audition, and Mike said, no, why don't you
go to Auburn?
I love to join your group. I said, I'm 22 and there's no way that I can be in our group.
Okay, I'm 15 years old. I've got two years clean and sober in my home. So you're seven years older than me.
So anyway, so we, I said, what do we have to do? She goes, I can't be in the rooms where there's people in them.
I can't do it the right way.
I said, well, honey, don't worry.
You're probably going to be a relentless, maybe an over-relentant, over-sitting, right?
And those days, we smoked a lot.
The air was cold.
But you're walking in and I'm saying, I need a soda.
But she said she helps. I'm sure, you know.
So I sat down and I'm thinking, no, we're like tips.
And I said, you're not really enough.
She held on to my left wrist and her friend Bob held on to it.
That's how we got through that meeting.
And as it happens in our college, the woman who spoke that night talked to me.
Nothing else about it could make us look like having a baby technique.
I kind of had her, you know.
And then I said,
Thank you so much, June.
This is really interesting and super fun.
I guess I'll see you in a week, right?
She goes, you know, honey, we're going to go to the midnight meeting.
I was over-sitting a lot.
And so we did it.
Well, June, June, June.
And I think a lot of people probably know that was June.
And she was only 15 with two hair cleaners over in AA.
And June spoon fed me alcohol.
I mean, I had the best children.
And because she was so young, everybody, she was like a celebrity.
There is such a, everybody knew her.
I mean, Chuck C.
Hey, June, who's your newcomer?
I mean, you know, you name it.
These people who knew her were hanging out with her.
Really fun.
I loved it.
What I didn't like in particular, you know, you talked about figuring out which ones you want.
I knew I wasn't doing any of those.
That was very, very intensive.
I attended the very first night tissue.
You know, they used to give us 20 questions, right?
So did we start with the 20 questions?
Did we still get that?
Anyway, so it was the yellow card, and I was taking the 20 questions.
Now, I'm not that sure.
And I answered 17 yes.
Thank God.
And I wasn't 20.
So I figured I'd lost, you know.
But anyway, so I'm hanging out with June.
I moved in with her.
And like I said, I had the best children.
I wasn't going to do the bottom two.
That's my bread.
And I'm hanging out with her.
And like I said, even sometimes, like in the middle of the night, I would be spinning inside of her.
And she would get the big book out.
She gave me two with honey on it.
I didn't be, you know, because I'm like off the chart.
And she's reading me the big book by candlelight.
Then what would happen is, you know, I'd have like three months.
I'm not dinner.
I have about three months in.
And then I, you know, this one day I was with her.
I got a job with this guy that designed all of these books.
And they had out, you know, sweat.
And we get out and go.
So we're, if you're on insurance, I can kind of ban that smoking.
But we're on that.
And so, you know, I haven't had AA just by the books that you can have it for.
And I, you know, I think they've got to pump gas.
And I see a little brooch in the industry.
And I just picked it up and smoked it.
So I got to come back and raise my hand.
Put it in another.
So I do about another three months.
And then I have my wisdom teeth.
I go over the code, right?
So they gave me coding.
And, of course, I gave it to my sponsor to go out to me as needed.
And I kind of looked to see where she was going to put it, just in case I had.
So I looked to see if I had a case of a relieving machine.
And they didn't even like it.
And then, of course, then I did.
So that was another relief that I had.
You know.
I didn't even like it.
I'm good when you're smoky.
You don't have to do this.
And I just blew it on.
And I'm like, well, if I smell it, it's not a thing.
You know.
And if I let it just run, it's a protocol.
So I tried to get that on.
You know.
Right.
And there's another thing.
And it has nothing to do with it.
I bring this up, like I said, because it was just one more thing that I was being different.
Because I'm yours.
And in the 70s, you know it.
You could not be there.
Pre-William Grace.
It was pre-every.
And so.
I thought, yeah, that's.
I'm just going to have to marry some guy and lie in there.
20 years into the marriage.
See, you probably should.
I'm running around.
Hey, hey.
I'm going to have to see you.
Now, if you don't mind me.
Excuse me.
Like I said, we're living in the same place.
And I'm running all over Culver City saying, hi.
I'm Kay.
I'm new again.
I think I might.
Well, no one particularly cares.
But I'm going to Bobby David every day.
So if you don't know why, I mean, I have a friend who first picked me up in her boat
flight and dropped me off at the lesbian garage sale and I walked in and I'll tell you.
I went to the garage sale and I looked at, oh, they were terrifying.
I'm like, that's not.
There was one particular who was the meanest of them.
Her name was Jerry E.
And she got so right in the neck.
So, and she was, you know, sitting there and I thought, oh, I don't want to.
And she made a beeline over to you because you're that, you're that newcomer that can't stay sober, right?
It has a boring story with the most giving rates in the world.
I said, yeah.
Because, you know, let me ask you, you were doing your little figurines.
How did you move?
I didn't know how to jump.
I had about five or six years of variety.
More than that, really.
I'm starting to press you.
But I didn't know how it went.
So I thought, what does she want to hear?
So I'd see the records and I said, well, I didn't feel a part of it.
And I certainly felt like, you know, I just said everything.
I just shut her up, you know, and I said, you know, can't you?
We're going to do, I'm going to do it.
I am not interested in any of your opinions, anything you're going to say.
Thanks a lot, God.
You know, I always thought, and I must tell you, this is how it is.
I have never known a miracle is going to happen.
I still do not.
I don't know.
It's always shocking to me, the solution.
Because I've lived up with kind of the birth childhood that I had growing up that, you know,
I needed the grandmother, that kind of stuff, you know, the kind of sponsor that would tell you,
I love you, like every 20 minutes.
I think it's just, you know, and I knew it.
I look back because I was so young.
And I just thought, I didn't have anyone before because of me and she.
But she taught me, this is what you're going to find when they ask you.
You have a student and you have a child.
I still find that.
You're the most powerful.
Even now.
Looking up and show up is 90% of the battle.
And that's what you're going to do.
And by the way, you know, those things, you're going to work.
And you're going to work in the way I tell you to work it.
And I, you know, and I was sober, I think, five years ago.
I didn't think that every paragraph was going to be 100%.
Then you're going to wash it up.
It's going to grow up.
You're going to do it.
I didn't do it.
But you know what?
Again, we need to get what we need here.
By the way, during this response, I seem to be going to choice news.
Much of my experience with Jupiter.
Seven years.
Jerry just caught me in there.
And I remember when I had to do my course.
She's a black mother.
I didn't want to do it.
And she goes, if you don't do your course, Kat, and read your fifth to me, I'm not going to give you no performance.
I'm not going to do it.
Got to have it done.
I'm going to do it.
And I did it.
And I remember when I was writing it, I actually got a little bit of joy.
Because I thought, this is serious about how I was sort of, you know, great at it.
You know what I mean?
I was writing it with a finger in my hand.
I was like, this is going to be a good year.
No wonder you're doing that.
And I go in and I read it to her.
And she said, I'm so sorry for your family.
Because I'd never known.
You know, when we start, when we grow some routine actions, I would be someone who needs to start helping kind of.
I always get sort of here.
And I still do.
And I get joyed in it.
Thank God we got a program.
I encourage you my day to night.
I'm only as courageous as the program.
I'm working today.
If I was courageous yesterday, and I'm not working a program today, I'm not.
Don't have a lot of fear.
I'm still never changed.
Who would I refer to as a person that has a lot of self-confidence?
I am.
You know, I need every tool.
I still do.
Which was very much a disappointment to me.
Because I really thought I had to get about 20 years or so.
Maybe the answer's kind of a little more sophisticated.
It hasn't changed.
What I do today is what I do.
But my life has started to change.
You know, like I said, I was doing a thousand covers.
Now you have to know.
You know, they start.
Now I'm like, oh, what are you doing overnight?
So our business, we went to work.
Where did they go to?
Not even 8th Street.
They went to get a fast.
Teeny tiny.
They don't pay you.
They pay you for the 12-inch square.
They don't pay you.
So all of a sudden, my business partner, I don't know what I'm going to do.
I don't get about five years.
We met someone who was so in love with me.
We were married.
We're not married.
We fell in love, and we were in Studio City.
And it was a great life.
But one day, she said to me, she goes, what do you do?
What do you do for a living?
And I said, well, I'm in rock and roll.
And she goes, yeah, how's that going for you?
I said, not so good.
And she goes, look, I own a corporate travel agency.
How would you like to come work at my company?
She goes, and I'm going to get Mattel toys.
I want to handle Mattel.
And I said, how are you going to get Mattel?
They're in, I don't know, you're in Studio City.
I mean, you're not going to get Mattel.
She goes, I'm going to get Mattel.
She goes, and if I do, would you be the corporate lead?
And I said, oh, the corporate lead.
And I said, I guess.
So two weeks later, she said, I got them.
And so I went to work for a corporate travel agency, which then, like, 10 years later,
to a 30-year career at Mattel, which I just left, like, four months.
But I started working at Mattel.
And I have to tell you, I am not in any sort of college.
I was a jack-in-the-box during my college.
I was not getting in that train.
But what you told me to do, and self-restraint, and all the things that we think about,
and to realize that it's my perception of it.
I started acting like a reliable.
I was a reliable employee.
And I think I never forget towards the end of my little career there.
The last 10 years, I always thought that they were going to pay me off.
Always thought that.
I lived with, what is Shakespeare saying?
A coward dies a million times.
Yeah, that was me.
And so it's always been me later.
But I never did.
But this one day, they were having a big layoff.
And so I had a HR call.
I said, that's fine.
I knew it.
And he called me in, and he said, you know why you're here.
He goes, well, what would you do to bring you back?
I said, I don't know.
And he called me and I went back to him.
And I said, I know what you're trying to do.
And he was like, I'm going to treat you.
Because this is actually probably the last 10 years.
And I was really grateful for that.
They were very good.
And so from the 7th, they did the early retirement.
And, you know, Elsa, no, they went to Elsa.
I'll tell you, Elsa got a driving.
The chairman was intense.
So when the opportunity came up to take the path,
I was like, oh, I'm going to take the path.
I'm going to take the path.
Now, I'm, as we were talking, I'm not the person,
the kind of person that wants to retire.
I realize that.
I mean, I do take Arthur Murray Dance class, which is kind of fun.
Not that I'm ever going to be a ballroom dancer, but whatever.
But everybody I know works, right?
So, including my spouse.
I mean, everybody I know works at the foot.
I'm not a golfer.
And I don't .
What am I going to do?
So I watch a lot of Dr. Jeff Rocky Mountain's ads.
So I decided that, you know, I'm going to take the path.
I probably should.
And so I decided I would.
So I started .
Well, last week, I was praying.
I was being specific, which I don't typically do.
But I was praying.
And I said, look, you want me to go back to work.
Something you want me to do.
Help me.
And this is typical.
Help me .
Guide me, of course.
Often don't .
And so I was meditating.
And I did some good prayer.
And I was like, great.
20 minutes later, I look at my email.
It says, woman who wants to .
I've got this job.
You're going to be perfect for it.
It's going to be great.
Big foundation in Central City.
.
So now I'm .
But now I'm thinking, well, you know, .
I got it.
This is God saying this to you.
So I went in the interview.
And it went really well.
Well, I found out yesterday .
I didn't do it.
And I thought, God, I thought you wanted me here.
What's going on?
And when I realized .
I had to .
And .
And so I went back to work.
And I said, well, you know what?
I've got this job.
You're going to be perfect for it.
Help me.
Guide me.
Help me.
Guide me.
Help me.
And since I was, like, drinking, I had never been on an interview.
I was like, .
I didn't know that.
So I went on this interview.
And then I .
Another one is coming up for .
I don't know.
You know.
Is that the red light or the yellow?
That's the red light.
That's the .
See?
I should have been more obsessed with this thing.
.
All right.
So I have to shut up when I return.
I love .
I'm going to end with this one story.
Recently, I was at a meeting with .
And it was .
It was great.
There was a man.
He had to be .
He was up there.
He was very elderly.
He was going to take a cake.
So I thought, .
I'm going to take a cake.
He has two years of sobriety, right?
And so, no.
He was taking a cake for one year.
I know.
I thought, you know.
If I could have made it that long, I might have tried to take my chances and see if
I could .
I would have tried to slip out .
So I didn't .
But you know, honey.
We're going to be here.
I'd like to know what it's like.
Just once.
I'd like to know what it's like.
Just once.
We do get a life here, I think.
, a quality of life.
Yeah, .
Thank you for letting me share.