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Thank you for asking me to share. I really want to thank Greg. Great talks. We really should be able to go home. Thank you very much. Let's go.

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I identify with both of you. We're very close. We have the same background. You are me and I are you and we are one. My sobriety date is August the 3rd, 1943. And like Greg, I only drank before. I used to.

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Anyway, so I'm an Alcoholics Anonymous and I love and I don't feel divided from that situation. I'm very grateful for that because I also said I love that you have this traffic light on the podium, which once I went to a meeting, I had to speak at their home and they have this on the podium.

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And the secretary there, she said, whatever you do, when you see that yellow light go off, start winding down. And when it goes red, you better be in it.

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So I was so obsessed looking at the traffic light. I'm a family girl, but I grew up on the west side. I grew up in a lower house. But we had three brothers.

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When I was about, he was the drinker. But I knew people. I knew my dad. You know, I've always been very, very.

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Because if you like me, I like you back. It doesn't get any worse. And I knew they did.

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And so when they got to the house, Monday night, my dad would come and pick me up, take each of us one on one.

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So Monday night was my night and he would show up in his 54 Chevy convertible and, you know, his hair was so bad.

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And this was before they had seatbelt laws, apparently, because I would sit in the passenger, I would stand in the passenger seatbelt, actually.

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He'd have, I guess it was before they had open painter laws.

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You know, you could have a bourbon in one hand and a cigarette in the other. And I'd be standing home cruising down to the Thunderbird Hotel in the stadium with the dick-busted manicurist that worked there.

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And then before we took me home, we'd stop off at the Melody Room Bar. And I was, you know, five, six, seven.

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I didn't know much except I loved the lighting. I knew the lighting was good.

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And I knew my dad was very popular. Everybody knew Chet.

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I loved Chet. We're all talking and jovial.

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This is nice.

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Fun.

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And I obviously followed him away.

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But then he'd take me home and then my mother, I had a wonderful mother, however, it was, again, it was the 50s.

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So she remarried and she remarried this guy, much like, I think it was, he was my stepfather.

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Now, this man is now 98 years old.

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But at the time, he was my stepfather and I didn't like this guy.

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Maybe I didn't like this guy because he wasn't, you know, that's probably all it was.

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I hated him.

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And we, you know, it was, the war was ending.

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And yet my brothers were fine.

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They were fine with it.

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They were very different from my brother.

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I was the bad guy.

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I was the disturbed.

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I came out of the womb, not evil, but evil.

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But because, as we know, I was hysteric, phobic, and I was anxious, and I was energetic, and always, my brothers always did the right thing, never did the right thing.

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So early on, my stepfather had this punishment.

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It was called the white chair.

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It was a white chair in my bedroom, and they would send me there.

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And I was always on the damn white chair.

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I mean, I was always on the white chair.

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And I was supposed to sit there and think about how I was going to change.

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And my head, and I would, but I, that's not what I did.

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But I realized early on, when I was a child, seven, eight, that, you know, you're going to be here a lot, and you better figure out a way how to change.

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So I did.

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And I developed my first drug of choice.

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And I was so good at fantasizing.

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I moved into my thing.

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I created all of the family that I called the house.

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And I knew everything that they did during the day, and I just moved in.

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And it got to the point they did not have a white chair.

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I went there first.

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And when I say I was on that white chair.

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I wasn't six to 16, and I'm sort of not exactly, but I have this fear that we as alcoholics and addicts, we can, I don't know why that is, but I had a cast of normal.

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I was a freak.

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I mean, it was never a reality.

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I knew nothing about life on the white screen.

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When I'd be on the white chair on occasion, the door to my room would be ajar, and I'd see my three brothers hurrying by, and I'd think, what are they doing?

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And I knew that on some level, I think I knew that they were present in life.

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I didn't know if those two were in those things, but whatever they're doing, it's a lot different.

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I didn't know how to do what they were doing, and so I was punished a lot, and one year, I was about 13, I must have lied, and really got, and I was also one of those people, everything that made was contempt for my attorney.

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Even things I liked, like, well, hey, we're all going to go to Disneyland, do you want to go?

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No.

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I mean, yes, but no.

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You know what I mean?

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I was just, you know.

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And right away, I was a Girl Scout.

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I was school.

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I was the University.

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I was the other one.

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On the outside, I passed for normal.

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But when I was maybe 13, I was, you know, I had a point.

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But when I was 13, I lied, and they put me on the white chair, you know, it was a thumb up.

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And it's really, seriously, and they called it privilege restriction, and I couldn't talk, and I had to write on a tablet, and I couldn't use the telephone, and I couldn't go, I was sort of imprisoned in the backyard, and I went to bed at 3.

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Well, I really got pissed at that time.

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So what I did is I had this neighbor across the street, and I started moving there a lot.

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I had, you know, a little transistor, radio, earphone, and I could entertain myself.

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I started getting really mad.

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I was already off course, but now I'm really, really going off of the game.

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And every once in a while, my stepfather would bring me out.

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I'd better do it our way.

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And I'd look at him, and I'd be like, now, everything would have been okay.

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I'd just go back to my room.

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Well, after that summer, I really hated my hair.

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I mean, I cut that ponytail.

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I just went bizarre.

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I cut the ponytail off.

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They were ratting my hair super hard.

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They were really tight.

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I had short skirts and a lot of makeup.

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I mean, I turned it.

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I went from a Girl Scout to a low-rider chair.

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Like, over and over.

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And even today, when I went back to school, I attracted an entire new group of people.

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And they were the low-riders at Westchester.

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If you don't know what a low-rider was, I don't know what you'll have.

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In those days, my boyfriend, who was the biggest drug addict in all of Westchester,

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had this old, vintage, old snowmobile.

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It looked like a child.

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All right.

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And I did.

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I smashed my hair down.

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He could get in the car.

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And what they had, they were big.

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Back now, it's nothing great.

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It even was, you know, it's huge.

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I love it.

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But I never had to put it off.

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I never had to put it off.

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It was always around here.

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I never had to put it off.

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I didn't even buy it.

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I should be sorry.

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Yes, yes.

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Oh, I hate you.

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You know.

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Kay S, Quality of Life, Alcoholics Anonymous, AA, sobriety, sponsor, home group

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Kay S, Quality of Life, Alcoholics Anonymous, AA, sobriety, sponsor, home group

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Kay S, Quality of Life, Alcoholics Anonymous, AA, sobriety, sponsor, home group

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Kay S, Quality of Life, Alcoholics Anonymous, AA, sobriety, sponsor, home group

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Kay S, Quality of Life, Alcoholics Anonymous, AA, sobriety, sponsor, home group

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and it wasn't that it was so delicious, I found that stuff, I couldn't put drugs down

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necessarily, it's legal, it's cheap, you can get it at a drugstore, why would you not do

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that, if it's not good on a Friday night, it's a great Saturday night, and I just got

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it, and I was just this pathetic little alcoholic, and I would get jobs, I don't know, I would

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always get a job, I was kind of good in the beginning, you know how we are, I was always

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good in the beginning until they kind of found out who I was, and I'd also have a lot of

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roommates, I lived everywhere in the Midwest, I didn't live in the Valley, but everywhere

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in the West Side you could possibly live, because I'd meet someone at a party, she's

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kind of fun, they'd ask me to move in, and within three months they'd ask me, and that's

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all I did, and I used to go to the liquor store, and I would go there every day, because

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I'm going to get my two jugs of yellow, right?

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And I'm going to get my two jugs of yellow, and I'm going to get my two jugs of yellow,

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and I'm going to get my two jugs of yellow, and I'm going to get my two jugs of yellow,

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and I'm going to get my two jugs of yellow, and I'm going to get my two jugs of yellow,

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and I'm going to get my two jugs of yellow, and I'm going to get my two jugs of yellow,

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and one day, it occurred to me, having gone to Jerry's every day, you know, they might

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think I have, and I didn't, they were really at me, so, I said, well, I'll let them think

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about it, I think it is possible, I thought, well, how, well, men shave, so you gotta get

137
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a bottle of, you know, opiate shaving cream for me, I always get a bottle, you know,

138
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I'm in a box with two full of cigars, and I would smoke those cigars, and the moment

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Kay S, Quality of Life, Alcoholics Anonymous, AA, sobriety, sponsor, home group

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Kay S, Quality of Life, Alcoholics Anonymous, AA, sobriety, sponsor, home group

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Kay S, Quality of Life, Alcoholics Anonymous, AA, sobriety, sponsor, home group

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Kay S, Quality of Life, Alcoholics Anonymous, AA, sobriety, sponsor, home group

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Kay S, Quality of Life, Alcoholics Anonymous, AA, sobriety, sponsor, home group

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Kay S, Quality of Life, Alcoholics Anonymous, AA, sobriety, sponsor, home group

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Kay S, Quality of Life, Alcoholics Anonymous, AA, sobriety, sponsor, home group

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Kay S, Quality of Life, Alcoholics Anonymous, AA, sobriety, sponsor, home group

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Kay S, Quality of Life, Alcoholics Anonymous, AA, sobriety, sponsor, home group

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Kay S, Quality of Life, Alcoholics Anonymous, AA, sobriety, sponsor, home group

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figure eights, I don't know why I did that, it just would be, you don't have to do much,

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do we figure eights in a parking lot, and that's what I would do, you know, and it's

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fun.

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You know, here's the other thing I think I want to look back now, about how we get

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weird and we're pathetic and we're addicts, but how some way you have to justify your

154
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feelings, that's okay, it's okay, everything became, it's okay, and then it moved into,

155
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I don't care, it's okay and I don't care, you know, I didn't care about anything after

156
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a while.

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I'm doing this drinking and, you know, I'm being sort of pathetic, and then it would

158
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also be something that is very unkind, you know, there's two kinds of women, I always

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wanted, by the way, to have the kind of a story, you have to have your own story, I

160
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always wanted the kind of a story, I mean, which is practically a joke, you know, right,

161
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she's still in the kids, you know what I'm saying, it goes to the hospital, and now

162
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it's just me.

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I don't care, I don't care, I don't care, I don't care, I don't care, she never was

164
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here, never came here, I mean, there are women who complain that they slept all the way around

165
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and there was that guy, and there's a worse one, and that's the kind guy I love, which

166
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was to promise that something might happen at the end of the day, and never put up, it's

167
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what I mean, it was very unclear, but then we used to love as a man, and then finally

168
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in the end, all my bosses.

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We were these men, these men, we never, we'd always be so, one of my bosses towards the

170
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end, and all of his hands were very particular, and I was his assistant, and I was supposed

171
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to file these photographs, and I didn't like being an assistant, and I finally heard that

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call, I had to throw out what I meant to put in.

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So I didn't have, it didn't happen, sorry, Daryl, and Daryl called me in and kind of

174
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got tears in his eyes, and I said, you're my drinking buddy, you know, we're going to

175
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have sex later, and anyway, and she let me move in with her, and she had a three-year-old

176
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son who intimidated me, who were always arguing about something, you know.

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And I looked at him, and I was like, no, he was like drinking this, he was blue, with

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a 10 milligram value, and I'm taking my time, and I still have a night of anxiety, that's

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going to knock the cow out, you know what I'm saying, and I'm vaccinated, and I'm loaded

180
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with anxiety, you know, I'm just constantly having anxiety attacks, I can't go to supermarkets

181
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anymore, I get tense, I get frightened, I want to leave now, but again, well, that's

182
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okay, do I need to go?

183
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No.

184
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Well, you know, everything became smaller.

185
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Smaller and smaller, and I don't care, and towards the end, and I love certainly what

186
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you said, I've heard this a million times, I've heard it a billion times, that Chris,

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the alcoholic Chris, right, no hell of a lot, and we're all here tonight because we've

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said it once, and what happened is one day, I also used to go every night, and we'd go

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to the gym, and we'd go to the gym, and I remember towards the end, I had a 440 Magnum

190
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engine.

191
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I don't know what exactly what that means, but I do know that if you don't have your

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foot on the gas, it idles for 65 minutes, and it was army green there, and then I would

193
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go to Jack in the Box, and I would tell them to go to Jack in the Box to order dinner from

194
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an inanimate object, and, you know, in the early days, I would order from, and I would

195
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do the same thing every day, I only had my, got me 19 bottles, got me cigarettes, and

196
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I would order dinner at dinner every night, I would do the same thing, breakfast, Jack

197
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in the Box.

198
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I would do that.

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When I would make that order, I was 22 years old, and it took every bit of courage and

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strength I've given up.

201
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My aspirations of a 22-year-old woman had come true.

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I ate at Jack's one time, and I'd be so proud of myself, and I had mastered it, and I kind

203
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of hope they don't look in my Dodge Challenger because I've got breakfast Jack wrappers in

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there, and, you know, it's an alcoholic, and then I'd go home, and I'd put on the same

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record every night, and it was Joni Mitchell's Port and Spark, right off, 1974, because when

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I put this on.

207
00:16:13,170 --> 00:16:16,490
I would listen to it, and it kind of rocked on my back, kind of like what he's doing in

208
00:16:16,490 --> 00:16:19,330
the white chair, but now I'm in a building, so I'm kind of, you know, and I'm smoking,

209
00:16:19,330 --> 00:16:23,130
and I'm drinking my wine, I'm kind of looking in the mirror, and for one split second, I

210
00:16:23,130 --> 00:16:27,090
was not in the state of spiritual prayer, I just got a glimpse and said, God help me,

211
00:16:27,090 --> 00:16:30,650
I don't even know if I meant it, I don't know, but I said, God help me, it's about to change.

212
00:16:30,730 --> 00:16:35,270
The next morning, I was on my, you know, the next day, I was starting Santa Monica Junior

213
00:16:35,270 --> 00:16:38,650
College, night number one, I don't do night number two, but I do night number one, and

214
00:16:38,650 --> 00:16:42,950
night number two, they expect something, but I'm going to Santa Monica Junior College,

215
00:16:43,070 --> 00:16:48,510
and I'm starting, it's a product, it was October the 1st, 1974, I can't wait, I'm dressed, I

216
00:16:48,510 --> 00:16:53,070
was dressed like I am now, you know, like winter, only it's like 100 degrees, but I

217
00:16:53,070 --> 00:16:58,070
don't know, I've got makeup on top of last night, so it's not good, but I get into my

218
00:16:58,070 --> 00:17:02,250
car, and I look over, and there's this girl getting out of a blue van, and I ran up to

219
00:17:02,250 --> 00:17:05,950
her, and I said, I'm lost, and I don't know how to get to her, she said, all right, I'll

220
00:17:05,950 --> 00:17:08,530
help you, so we're walking through the campus, and she said, I don't know how to get to you,

221
00:17:08,650 --> 00:17:12,570
what class are you taking, and I said, well, you know, business management, whatever,

222
00:17:12,830 --> 00:17:16,770
and I asked her what she was taking, but I didn't care, I had seen human beings pass

223
00:17:16,770 --> 00:17:20,550
that in, so I said, yeah, that's what she always does, so I said, what class are you

224
00:17:20,550 --> 00:17:24,210
taking, and I said, I'm here tonight to give a lecture on alcoholics, and she's like, no,

225
00:17:24,290 --> 00:17:33,230
and I said, that's weird, I said, yeah, I'm thinking I might need to go on the way, and

226
00:17:33,230 --> 00:17:38,790
she said, well, you should go right now, and I said, give me your phone, and she said,

227
00:17:38,830 --> 00:17:41,400
yeah, I don't know how to get to you, because I'm going to get a lecture, and the next

228
00:17:41,400 --> 00:17:51,670
morning, I'm using my phone with my great-granddaughter, and we're talking, and I was like, what

229
00:17:51,670 --> 00:17:59,610
your question was, and she said, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, but, and I said,

230
00:17:59,610 --> 00:18:01,890
I'm going to get a lecture on alcoholics, and she said, I don't know, I don't know,

231
00:18:01,890 --> 00:18:03,670
leave me alone, and I said, I'm sorry, but I'm not going to get to you.

232
00:18:03,670 --> 00:18:07,710
I said, the next morning, I'm leaving my, and she said, and I asked Jay leaned on him,

233
00:18:08,050 --> 00:18:08,070
and I said, no, I've told you everything, audition, and Mike said, no, why don't you

234
00:18:08,070 --> 00:18:08,350
go to Auburn?

235
00:18:08,350 --> 00:18:37,100
I love to join your group. I said, I'm 22 and there's no way that I can be in our group.

236
00:18:37,100 --> 00:18:43,780
Okay, I'm 15 years old. I've got two years clean and sober in my home. So you're seven years older than me.

237
00:18:44,800 --> 00:18:53,060
So anyway, so we, I said, what do we have to do? She goes, I can't be in the rooms where there's people in them.

238
00:18:53,600 --> 00:18:55,200
I can't do it the right way.

239
00:18:55,640 --> 00:18:58,460
I said, well, honey, don't worry.

240
00:18:58,520 --> 00:19:02,580
You're probably going to be a relentless, maybe an over-relentant, over-sitting, right?

241
00:19:02,580 --> 00:19:04,980
And those days, we smoked a lot.

242
00:19:05,760 --> 00:19:06,960
The air was cold.

243
00:19:07,100 --> 00:19:12,580
But you're walking in and I'm saying, I need a soda.

244
00:19:12,960 --> 00:19:14,940
But she said she helps. I'm sure, you know.

245
00:19:15,260 --> 00:19:18,540
So I sat down and I'm thinking, no, we're like tips.

246
00:19:18,720 --> 00:19:20,340
And I said, you're not really enough.

247
00:19:20,840 --> 00:19:24,060
She held on to my left wrist and her friend Bob held on to it.

248
00:19:24,160 --> 00:19:25,460
That's how we got through that meeting.

249
00:19:25,660 --> 00:19:29,300
And as it happens in our college, the woman who spoke that night talked to me.

250
00:19:29,300 --> 00:19:33,500
Nothing else about it could make us look like having a baby technique.

251
00:19:34,700 --> 00:19:36,320
I kind of had her, you know.

252
00:19:36,520 --> 00:19:37,080
And then I said,

253
00:19:37,240 --> 00:19:38,220
Thank you so much, June.

254
00:19:38,300 --> 00:19:41,260
This is really interesting and super fun.

255
00:19:41,920 --> 00:19:43,320
I guess I'll see you in a week, right?

256
00:19:43,420 --> 00:19:45,980
She goes, you know, honey, we're going to go to the midnight meeting.

257
00:19:46,220 --> 00:19:47,160
I was over-sitting a lot.

258
00:19:47,360 --> 00:19:48,020
And so we did it.

259
00:19:48,260 --> 00:19:49,540
Well, June, June, June.

260
00:19:49,740 --> 00:19:51,820
And I think a lot of people probably know that was June.

261
00:19:51,960 --> 00:19:54,900
And she was only 15 with two hair cleaners over in AA.

262
00:19:55,040 --> 00:19:57,320
And June spoon fed me alcohol.

263
00:19:57,520 --> 00:19:58,860
I mean, I had the best children.

264
00:19:58,860 --> 00:20:02,340
And because she was so young, everybody, she was like a celebrity.

265
00:20:02,560 --> 00:20:04,200
There is such a, everybody knew her.

266
00:20:04,300 --> 00:20:05,040
I mean, Chuck C.

267
00:20:05,300 --> 00:20:06,920
Hey, June, who's your newcomer?

268
00:20:07,100 --> 00:20:08,900
I mean, you know, you name it.

269
00:20:08,920 --> 00:20:11,340
These people who knew her were hanging out with her.

270
00:20:11,460 --> 00:20:12,200
Really fun.

271
00:20:12,440 --> 00:20:13,120
I loved it.

272
00:20:13,200 --> 00:20:16,680
What I didn't like in particular, you know, you talked about figuring out which ones you want.

273
00:20:16,820 --> 00:20:18,380
I knew I wasn't doing any of those.

274
00:20:18,520 --> 00:20:19,900
That was very, very intensive.

275
00:20:20,360 --> 00:20:22,440
I attended the very first night tissue.

276
00:20:22,620 --> 00:20:24,420
You know, they used to give us 20 questions, right?

277
00:20:24,760 --> 00:20:26,220
So did we start with the 20 questions?

278
00:20:26,440 --> 00:20:27,440
Did we still get that?

279
00:20:28,280 --> 00:20:31,440
Anyway, so it was the yellow card, and I was taking the 20 questions.

280
00:20:31,680 --> 00:20:33,080
Now, I'm not that sure.

281
00:20:33,280 --> 00:20:35,560
And I answered 17 yes.

282
00:20:35,560 --> 00:20:36,840
Thank God.

283
00:20:37,100 --> 00:20:38,480
And I wasn't 20.

284
00:20:38,740 --> 00:20:40,420
So I figured I'd lost, you know.

285
00:20:40,580 --> 00:20:42,960
But anyway, so I'm hanging out with June.

286
00:20:43,040 --> 00:20:44,000
I moved in with her.

287
00:20:44,120 --> 00:20:45,420
And like I said, I had the best children.

288
00:20:45,660 --> 00:20:47,180
I wasn't going to do the bottom two.

289
00:20:47,340 --> 00:20:48,060
That's my bread.

290
00:20:48,180 --> 00:20:49,360
And I'm hanging out with her.

291
00:20:49,460 --> 00:20:53,780
And like I said, even sometimes, like in the middle of the night, I would be spinning inside of her.

292
00:20:53,900 --> 00:20:55,180
And she would get the big book out.

293
00:20:55,280 --> 00:20:56,740
She gave me two with honey on it.

294
00:20:56,960 --> 00:21:00,440
I didn't be, you know, because I'm like off the chart.

295
00:21:00,700 --> 00:21:02,860
And she's reading me the big book by candlelight.

296
00:21:02,860 --> 00:21:05,980
Then what would happen is, you know, I'd have like three months.

297
00:21:06,320 --> 00:21:06,940
I'm not dinner.

298
00:21:07,100 --> 00:21:09,040
I have about three months in.

299
00:21:09,140 --> 00:21:10,960
And then I, you know, this one day I was with her.

300
00:21:11,080 --> 00:21:13,600
I got a job with this guy that designed all of these books.

301
00:21:13,780 --> 00:21:15,140
And they had out, you know, sweat.

302
00:21:15,860 --> 00:21:16,860
And we get out and go.

303
00:21:17,100 --> 00:21:22,300
So we're, if you're on insurance, I can kind of ban that smoking.

304
00:21:22,620 --> 00:21:23,640
But we're on that.

305
00:21:24,040 --> 00:21:29,020
And so, you know, I haven't had AA just by the books that you can have it for.

306
00:21:29,080 --> 00:21:30,600
And I, you know, I think they've got to pump gas.

307
00:21:30,680 --> 00:21:32,120
And I see a little brooch in the industry.

308
00:21:32,340 --> 00:21:34,800
And I just picked it up and smoked it.

309
00:21:34,800 --> 00:21:36,540
So I got to come back and raise my hand.

310
00:21:36,660 --> 00:21:37,240
Put it in another.

311
00:21:37,240 --> 00:21:39,520
So I do about another three months.

312
00:21:39,740 --> 00:21:41,660
And then I have my wisdom teeth.

313
00:21:41,820 --> 00:21:42,820
I go over the code, right?

314
00:21:42,920 --> 00:21:44,580
So they gave me coding.

315
00:21:44,760 --> 00:21:49,700
And, of course, I gave it to my sponsor to go out to me as needed.

316
00:21:50,100 --> 00:21:53,300
And I kind of looked to see where she was going to put it, just in case I had.

317
00:21:54,820 --> 00:21:57,460
So I looked to see if I had a case of a relieving machine.

318
00:21:59,320 --> 00:22:00,760
And they didn't even like it.

319
00:22:01,320 --> 00:22:02,720
And then, of course, then I did.

320
00:22:03,730 --> 00:22:06,690
So that was another relief that I had.

321
00:22:06,690 --> 00:22:07,290
You know.

322
00:22:07,650 --> 00:22:10,720
I didn't even like it.

323
00:22:11,060 --> 00:22:12,040
I'm good when you're smoky.

324
00:22:12,140 --> 00:22:12,760
You don't have to do this.

325
00:22:13,180 --> 00:22:14,640
And I just blew it on.

326
00:22:14,760 --> 00:22:16,840
And I'm like, well, if I smell it, it's not a thing.

327
00:22:16,840 --> 00:22:17,060
You know.

328
00:22:17,140 --> 00:22:19,160
And if I let it just run, it's a protocol.

329
00:22:19,640 --> 00:22:22,020
So I tried to get that on.

330
00:22:22,220 --> 00:22:22,380
You know.

331
00:22:22,940 --> 00:22:23,260
Right.

332
00:22:23,640 --> 00:22:24,620
And there's another thing.

333
00:22:24,720 --> 00:22:25,760
And it has nothing to do with it.

334
00:22:25,800 --> 00:22:29,020
I bring this up, like I said, because it was just one more thing that I was being different.

335
00:22:29,120 --> 00:22:29,660
Because I'm yours.

336
00:22:30,120 --> 00:22:32,700
And in the 70s, you know it.

337
00:22:32,860 --> 00:22:33,820
You could not be there.

338
00:22:34,080 --> 00:22:34,980
Pre-William Grace.

339
00:22:34,980 --> 00:22:36,660
It was pre-every.

340
00:22:37,040 --> 00:22:37,660
And so.

341
00:22:37,800 --> 00:22:39,120
I thought, yeah, that's.

342
00:22:39,300 --> 00:22:41,740
I'm just going to have to marry some guy and lie in there.

343
00:22:42,140 --> 00:22:43,360
20 years into the marriage.

344
00:22:43,580 --> 00:22:44,680
See, you probably should.

345
00:22:46,800 --> 00:22:47,700
I'm running around.

346
00:22:47,880 --> 00:22:48,060
Hey, hey.

347
00:22:48,180 --> 00:22:48,980
I'm going to have to see you.

348
00:22:49,160 --> 00:22:50,360
Now, if you don't mind me.

349
00:22:50,840 --> 00:22:51,500
Excuse me.

350
00:22:53,640 --> 00:22:57,280
Like I said, we're living in the same place.

351
00:22:57,740 --> 00:23:00,100
And I'm running all over Culver City saying, hi.

352
00:23:00,280 --> 00:23:00,840
I'm Kay.

353
00:23:01,000 --> 00:23:01,780
I'm new again.

354
00:23:01,920 --> 00:23:02,420
I think I might.

355
00:23:02,560 --> 00:23:04,540
Well, no one particularly cares.

356
00:23:04,540 --> 00:23:07,460
But I'm going to Bobby David every day.

357
00:23:08,960 --> 00:23:15,800
So if you don't know why, I mean, I have a friend who first picked me up in her boat

358
00:23:15,800 --> 00:23:21,680
flight and dropped me off at the lesbian garage sale and I walked in and I'll tell you.

359
00:23:21,680 --> 00:23:28,120
I went to the garage sale and I looked at, oh, they were terrifying.

360
00:23:28,320 --> 00:23:28,880
I'm like, that's not.

361
00:23:28,960 --> 00:23:31,220
There was one particular who was the meanest of them.

362
00:23:31,300 --> 00:23:32,380
Her name was Jerry E.

363
00:23:32,640 --> 00:23:34,540
And she got so right in the neck.

364
00:23:34,540 --> 00:23:38,120
So, and she was, you know, sitting there and I thought, oh, I don't want to.

365
00:23:38,120 --> 00:23:43,340
And she made a beeline over to you because you're that, you're that newcomer that can't stay sober, right?

366
00:23:43,380 --> 00:23:45,900
It has a boring story with the most giving rates in the world.

367
00:23:48,400 --> 00:23:50,100
I said, yeah.

368
00:23:53,750 --> 00:23:59,410
Because, you know, let me ask you, you were doing your little figurines.

369
00:24:00,710 --> 00:24:01,610
How did you move?

370
00:24:01,830 --> 00:24:02,910
I didn't know how to jump.

371
00:24:03,010 --> 00:24:04,710
I had about five or six years of variety.

372
00:24:05,210 --> 00:24:06,190
More than that, really.

373
00:24:06,190 --> 00:24:07,510
I'm starting to press you.

374
00:24:08,890 --> 00:24:12,530
But I didn't know how it went.

375
00:24:12,710 --> 00:24:13,850
So I thought, what does she want to hear?

376
00:24:13,970 --> 00:24:16,730
So I'd see the records and I said, well, I didn't feel a part of it.

377
00:24:16,750 --> 00:24:19,670
And I certainly felt like, you know, I just said everything.

378
00:24:19,830 --> 00:24:22,810
I just shut her up, you know, and I said, you know, can't you?

379
00:24:22,890 --> 00:24:24,830
We're going to do, I'm going to do it.

380
00:24:25,230 --> 00:24:28,950
I am not interested in any of your opinions, anything you're going to say.

381
00:24:29,130 --> 00:24:30,070
Thanks a lot, God.

382
00:24:30,170 --> 00:24:33,510
You know, I always thought, and I must tell you, this is how it is.

383
00:24:33,870 --> 00:24:36,510
I have never known a miracle is going to happen.

384
00:24:36,510 --> 00:24:37,910
I still do not.

385
00:24:38,130 --> 00:24:38,570
I don't know.

386
00:24:38,890 --> 00:24:40,770
It's always shocking to me, the solution.

387
00:24:41,070 --> 00:24:45,530
Because I've lived up with kind of the birth childhood that I had growing up that, you know,

388
00:24:45,590 --> 00:24:49,110
I needed the grandmother, that kind of stuff, you know, the kind of sponsor that would tell you,

389
00:24:49,190 --> 00:24:50,790
I love you, like every 20 minutes.

390
00:24:51,610 --> 00:24:55,550
I think it's just, you know, and I knew it.

391
00:24:55,670 --> 00:24:57,030
I look back because I was so young.

392
00:24:57,960 --> 00:25:02,460
And I just thought, I didn't have anyone before because of me and she.

393
00:25:03,060 --> 00:25:06,720
But she taught me, this is what you're going to find when they ask you.

394
00:25:06,720 --> 00:25:08,240
You have a student and you have a child.

395
00:25:08,400 --> 00:25:09,160
I still find that.

396
00:25:09,240 --> 00:25:10,000
You're the most powerful.

397
00:25:10,240 --> 00:25:10,680
Even now.

398
00:25:10,860 --> 00:25:13,140
Looking up and show up is 90% of the battle.

399
00:25:13,280 --> 00:25:14,380
And that's what you're going to do.

400
00:25:14,460 --> 00:25:17,060
And by the way, you know, those things, you're going to work.

401
00:25:17,280 --> 00:25:19,180
And you're going to work in the way I tell you to work it.

402
00:25:19,280 --> 00:25:22,520
And I, you know, and I was sober, I think, five years ago.

403
00:25:22,580 --> 00:25:24,920
I didn't think that every paragraph was going to be 100%.

404
00:25:24,920 --> 00:25:25,920
Then you're going to wash it up.

405
00:25:26,040 --> 00:25:26,520
It's going to grow up.

406
00:25:26,620 --> 00:25:27,220
You're going to do it.

407
00:25:27,340 --> 00:25:28,100
I didn't do it.

408
00:25:28,680 --> 00:25:29,480
But you know what?

409
00:25:29,600 --> 00:25:31,620
Again, we need to get what we need here.

410
00:25:31,920 --> 00:25:36,320
By the way, during this response, I seem to be going to choice news.

411
00:25:36,520 --> 00:25:38,280
Much of my experience with Jupiter.

412
00:25:38,280 --> 00:25:39,120
Seven years.

413
00:25:39,720 --> 00:25:40,940
Jerry just caught me in there.

414
00:25:41,360 --> 00:25:42,820
And I remember when I had to do my course.

415
00:25:43,120 --> 00:25:43,800
She's a black mother.

416
00:25:43,900 --> 00:25:44,720
I didn't want to do it.

417
00:25:45,820 --> 00:25:51,500
And she goes, if you don't do your course, Kat, and read your fifth to me, I'm not going to give you no performance.

418
00:25:51,700 --> 00:25:52,420
I'm not going to do it.

419
00:25:52,660 --> 00:25:53,360
Got to have it done.

420
00:25:53,500 --> 00:25:54,100
I'm going to do it.

421
00:25:54,200 --> 00:25:54,740
And I did it.

422
00:25:54,800 --> 00:25:57,480
And I remember when I was writing it, I actually got a little bit of joy.

423
00:25:57,700 --> 00:26:00,840
Because I thought, this is serious about how I was sort of, you know, great at it.

424
00:26:00,960 --> 00:26:01,340
You know what I mean?

425
00:26:01,720 --> 00:26:03,600
I was writing it with a finger in my hand.

426
00:26:03,840 --> 00:26:05,400
I was like, this is going to be a good year.

427
00:26:05,400 --> 00:26:07,620
No wonder you're doing that.

428
00:26:07,860 --> 00:26:09,280
And I go in and I read it to her.

429
00:26:09,300 --> 00:26:12,040
And she said, I'm so sorry for your family.

430
00:26:14,040 --> 00:26:15,160
Because I'd never known.

431
00:26:16,080 --> 00:26:26,960
You know, when we start, when we grow some routine actions, I would be someone who needs to start helping kind of.

432
00:26:27,200 --> 00:26:28,220
I always get sort of here.

433
00:26:28,460 --> 00:26:28,900
And I still do.

434
00:26:29,340 --> 00:26:30,540
And I get joyed in it.

435
00:26:30,920 --> 00:26:32,020
Thank God we got a program.

436
00:26:32,020 --> 00:26:35,280
I encourage you my day to night.

437
00:26:35,760 --> 00:26:37,400
I'm only as courageous as the program.

438
00:26:37,420 --> 00:26:38,500
I'm working today.

439
00:26:38,780 --> 00:26:42,160
If I was courageous yesterday, and I'm not working a program today, I'm not.

440
00:26:42,340 --> 00:26:43,260
Don't have a lot of fear.

441
00:26:43,420 --> 00:26:44,200
I'm still never changed.

442
00:26:44,260 --> 00:26:46,720
Who would I refer to as a person that has a lot of self-confidence?

443
00:26:46,800 --> 00:26:47,060
I am.

444
00:26:47,200 --> 00:26:48,500
You know, I need every tool.

445
00:26:48,700 --> 00:26:49,440
I still do.

446
00:26:49,720 --> 00:26:51,620
Which was very much a disappointment to me.

447
00:26:51,640 --> 00:26:53,780
Because I really thought I had to get about 20 years or so.

448
00:26:53,940 --> 00:26:56,300
Maybe the answer's kind of a little more sophisticated.

449
00:26:56,580 --> 00:26:58,620
It hasn't changed.

450
00:26:58,720 --> 00:26:59,880
What I do today is what I do.

451
00:26:59,880 --> 00:27:01,160
But my life has started to change.

452
00:27:01,420 --> 00:27:03,480
You know, like I said, I was doing a thousand covers.

453
00:27:03,800 --> 00:27:04,580
Now you have to know.

454
00:27:04,660 --> 00:27:05,240
You know, they start.

455
00:27:05,240 --> 00:27:06,880
Now I'm like, oh, what are you doing overnight?

456
00:27:07,220 --> 00:27:08,600
So our business, we went to work.

457
00:27:08,620 --> 00:27:09,160
Where did they go to?

458
00:27:09,200 --> 00:27:09,900
Not even 8th Street.

459
00:27:09,960 --> 00:27:10,700
They went to get a fast.

460
00:27:10,920 --> 00:27:11,500
Teeny tiny.

461
00:27:11,700 --> 00:27:12,540
They don't pay you.

462
00:27:12,760 --> 00:27:14,500
They pay you for the 12-inch square.

463
00:27:14,580 --> 00:27:15,080
They don't pay you.

464
00:27:15,300 --> 00:27:17,780
So all of a sudden, my business partner, I don't know what I'm going to do.

465
00:27:17,960 --> 00:27:19,000
I don't get about five years.

466
00:27:19,040 --> 00:27:20,700
We met someone who was so in love with me.

467
00:27:20,820 --> 00:27:21,120
We were married.

468
00:27:21,320 --> 00:27:21,720
We're not married.

469
00:27:21,800 --> 00:27:23,500
We fell in love, and we were in Studio City.

470
00:27:23,920 --> 00:27:25,000
And it was a great life.

471
00:27:25,060 --> 00:27:28,360
But one day, she said to me, she goes, what do you do?

472
00:27:28,480 --> 00:27:29,320
What do you do for a living?

473
00:27:29,320 --> 00:27:30,460
And I said, well, I'm in rock and roll.

474
00:27:30,820 --> 00:27:32,440
And she goes, yeah, how's that going for you?

475
00:27:32,560 --> 00:27:33,720
I said, not so good.

476
00:27:33,880 --> 00:27:36,540
And she goes, look, I own a corporate travel agency.

477
00:27:36,840 --> 00:27:38,940
How would you like to come work at my company?

478
00:27:39,040 --> 00:27:40,480
She goes, and I'm going to get Mattel toys.

479
00:27:40,580 --> 00:27:41,480
I want to handle Mattel.

480
00:27:41,620 --> 00:27:43,120
And I said, how are you going to get Mattel?

481
00:27:43,240 --> 00:27:46,860
They're in, I don't know, you're in Studio City.

482
00:27:47,000 --> 00:27:48,220
I mean, you're not going to get Mattel.

483
00:27:48,340 --> 00:27:49,180
She goes, I'm going to get Mattel.

484
00:27:49,360 --> 00:27:52,400
She goes, and if I do, would you be the corporate lead?

485
00:27:52,520 --> 00:27:53,780
And I said, oh, the corporate lead.

486
00:27:54,100 --> 00:27:55,100
And I said, I guess.

487
00:27:55,100 --> 00:27:56,900
So two weeks later, she said, I got them.

488
00:27:57,180 --> 00:28:01,360
And so I went to work for a corporate travel agency, which then, like, 10 years later,

489
00:28:01,500 --> 00:28:05,440
to a 30-year career at Mattel, which I just left, like, four months.

490
00:28:05,780 --> 00:28:07,360
But I started working at Mattel.

491
00:28:07,620 --> 00:28:09,880
And I have to tell you, I am not in any sort of college.

492
00:28:09,980 --> 00:28:11,660
I was a jack-in-the-box during my college.

493
00:28:12,140 --> 00:28:13,700
I was not getting in that train.

494
00:28:14,480 --> 00:28:20,240
But what you told me to do, and self-restraint, and all the things that we think about,

495
00:28:20,560 --> 00:28:23,500
and to realize that it's my perception of it.

496
00:28:23,500 --> 00:28:25,500
I started acting like a reliable.

497
00:28:26,000 --> 00:28:26,540
I was a reliable employee.

498
00:28:26,700 --> 00:28:30,680
And I think I never forget towards the end of my little career there.

499
00:28:30,900 --> 00:28:33,500
The last 10 years, I always thought that they were going to pay me off.

500
00:28:33,720 --> 00:28:34,440
Always thought that.

501
00:28:34,520 --> 00:28:36,780
I lived with, what is Shakespeare saying?

502
00:28:36,880 --> 00:28:38,280
A coward dies a million times.

503
00:28:38,480 --> 00:28:39,360
Yeah, that was me.

504
00:28:39,480 --> 00:28:40,660
And so it's always been me later.

505
00:28:41,220 --> 00:28:42,320
But I never did.

506
00:28:42,740 --> 00:28:44,840
But this one day, they were having a big layoff.

507
00:28:45,040 --> 00:28:46,600
And so I had a HR call.

508
00:28:46,700 --> 00:28:47,320
I said, that's fine.

509
00:28:47,440 --> 00:28:47,820
I knew it.

510
00:28:48,060 --> 00:28:48,400
I knew it.

511
00:28:48,820 --> 00:28:51,820
And he called me in, and he said, you know why you're here.

512
00:28:51,820 --> 00:28:55,220
He goes, well, what would you do to bring you back?

513
00:28:55,240 --> 00:28:55,980
I said, I don't know.

514
00:28:56,000 --> 00:28:57,880
And he called me and I went back to him.

515
00:28:58,020 --> 00:29:01,320
And I said, I know what you're trying to do.

516
00:29:01,980 --> 00:29:03,620
And he was like, I'm going to treat you.

517
00:29:03,820 --> 00:29:09,270
Because this is actually probably the last 10 years.

518
00:29:09,550 --> 00:29:11,150
And I was really grateful for that.

519
00:29:11,290 --> 00:29:12,230
They were very good.

520
00:29:13,820 --> 00:29:17,080
And so from the 7th, they did the early retirement.

521
00:29:17,460 --> 00:29:20,460
And, you know, Elsa, no, they went to Elsa.

522
00:29:20,600 --> 00:29:22,200
I'll tell you, Elsa got a driving.

523
00:29:22,380 --> 00:29:23,620
The chairman was intense.

524
00:29:24,440 --> 00:29:26,980
So when the opportunity came up to take the path,

525
00:29:27,280 --> 00:29:28,280
I was like, oh, I'm going to take the path.

526
00:29:28,280 --> 00:29:29,280
I'm going to take the path.

527
00:29:29,280 --> 00:29:30,280
I'm going to take the path.

528
00:29:30,280 --> 00:29:31,280
Now, I'm, as we were talking, I'm not the person,

529
00:29:31,280 --> 00:29:32,280
the kind of person that wants to retire.

530
00:29:32,280 --> 00:29:33,280
I realize that.

531
00:29:33,280 --> 00:29:34,280
I mean, I do take Arthur Murray Dance class, which is kind of fun.

532
00:29:34,280 --> 00:29:35,280
Not that I'm ever going to be a ballroom dancer, but whatever.

533
00:29:35,280 --> 00:29:36,280
But everybody I know works, right?

534
00:29:36,280 --> 00:29:37,280
So, including my spouse.

535
00:29:37,280 --> 00:29:38,280
I mean, everybody I know works at the foot.

536
00:29:38,280 --> 00:29:39,280
I'm not a golfer.

537
00:29:39,280 --> 00:29:40,280
And I don't .

538
00:29:40,280 --> 00:29:41,280
What am I going to do?

539
00:29:41,280 --> 00:29:42,280
So I watch a lot of Dr. Jeff Rocky Mountain's ads.

540
00:29:42,280 --> 00:29:43,280
So I decided that, you know, I'm going to take the path.

541
00:29:57,280 --> 00:29:58,280
I probably should.

542
00:29:58,280 --> 00:29:59,280
And so I decided I would.

543
00:29:59,280 --> 00:30:00,280
So I started .

544
00:30:00,280 --> 00:30:01,280
Well, last week, I was praying.

545
00:30:01,280 --> 00:30:02,280
I was being specific, which I don't typically do.

546
00:30:02,280 --> 00:30:03,280
But I was praying.

547
00:30:03,280 --> 00:30:04,280
And I said, look, you want me to go back to work.

548
00:30:04,280 --> 00:30:05,280
Something you want me to do.

549
00:30:05,280 --> 00:30:06,280
Help me.

550
00:30:06,280 --> 00:30:07,280
And this is typical.

551
00:30:07,280 --> 00:30:08,280
Help me .

552
00:30:08,280 --> 00:30:09,280
Guide me, of course.

553
00:30:09,280 --> 00:30:10,280
Often don't .

554
00:30:10,280 --> 00:30:11,280
And so I was meditating.

555
00:30:11,280 --> 00:30:12,280
And I did some good prayer.

556
00:30:12,280 --> 00:30:13,280
And I was like, great.

557
00:30:13,280 --> 00:30:14,280
20 minutes later, I look at my email.

558
00:30:14,280 --> 00:30:15,280
It says, woman who wants to .

559
00:30:15,280 --> 00:30:16,280
I've got this job.

560
00:30:16,280 --> 00:30:17,280
You're going to be perfect for it.

561
00:30:17,280 --> 00:30:18,280
It's going to be great.

562
00:30:18,280 --> 00:30:19,280
Big foundation in Central City.

563
00:30:19,280 --> 00:30:20,280
.

564
00:30:20,280 --> 00:30:21,280
So now I'm .

565
00:30:21,280 --> 00:30:22,280
But now I'm thinking, well, you know, .

566
00:30:22,280 --> 00:30:23,280
I got it.

567
00:30:23,280 --> 00:30:24,280
This is God saying this to you.

568
00:30:24,280 --> 00:30:25,280
So I went in the interview.

569
00:30:25,280 --> 00:30:26,280
And it went really well.

570
00:30:26,280 --> 00:30:27,280
Well, I found out yesterday .

571
00:30:27,280 --> 00:30:28,280
I didn't do it.

572
00:30:28,280 --> 00:30:29,280
And I thought, God, I thought you wanted me here.

573
00:30:29,280 --> 00:30:30,280
What's going on?

574
00:30:30,280 --> 00:30:31,280
And when I realized .

575
00:30:31,280 --> 00:30:32,280
I had to .

576
00:30:32,280 --> 00:30:33,280
And .

577
00:30:33,280 --> 00:30:34,280
And so I went back to work.

578
00:30:34,280 --> 00:30:35,280
And I said, well, you know what?

579
00:30:35,280 --> 00:30:36,280
I've got this job.

580
00:30:36,280 --> 00:30:37,280
You're going to be perfect for it.

581
00:30:37,280 --> 00:30:38,280
Help me.

582
00:30:38,280 --> 00:30:39,280
Help me.

583
00:30:39,280 --> 00:30:40,280
Guide me.

584
00:30:40,280 --> 00:30:41,280
Help me.

585
00:30:41,280 --> 00:30:42,280
Help me.

586
00:30:42,280 --> 00:30:43,280
Guide me.

587
00:30:43,280 --> 00:30:44,280
Help me.

588
00:30:44,280 --> 00:30:45,280
Help me.

589
00:30:45,280 --> 00:30:46,280
And since I was, like, drinking, I had never been on an interview.

590
00:30:46,280 --> 00:30:47,280
I was like, .

591
00:30:47,280 --> 00:30:48,280
I didn't know that.

592
00:30:48,280 --> 00:30:49,280
So I went on this interview.

593
00:30:49,280 --> 00:30:50,280
And then I .

594
00:30:50,280 --> 00:30:51,280
Another one is coming up for .

595
00:30:51,280 --> 00:30:52,280
I don't know.

596
00:30:52,280 --> 00:30:53,280
You know.

597
00:30:53,280 --> 00:30:54,280
Is that the red light or the yellow?

598
00:30:54,280 --> 00:30:55,280
That's the red light.

599
00:30:55,280 --> 00:30:56,280
That's the .

600
00:30:56,280 --> 00:30:57,280
See?

601
00:30:57,280 --> 00:30:58,280
I should have been more obsessed with this thing.

602
00:30:58,280 --> 00:30:59,280
.

603
00:30:59,280 --> 00:31:00,280
All right.

604
00:31:00,280 --> 00:31:01,280
So I have to shut up when I return.

605
00:31:01,280 --> 00:31:02,280
I love .

606
00:31:02,280 --> 00:31:03,280
I'm going to end with this one story.

607
00:31:03,280 --> 00:31:04,280
Recently, I was at a meeting with .

608
00:31:04,280 --> 00:31:05,280
And it was .

609
00:31:05,280 --> 00:31:06,280
It was great.

610
00:31:06,280 --> 00:31:07,280
There was a man.

611
00:31:07,280 --> 00:31:08,280
He had to be .

612
00:31:08,280 --> 00:31:09,280
He was up there.

613
00:31:09,280 --> 00:31:10,280
He was very elderly.

614
00:31:10,280 --> 00:31:11,280
He was going to take a cake.

615
00:31:11,280 --> 00:31:12,280
So I thought, .

616
00:31:12,280 --> 00:31:13,280
I'm going to take a cake.

617
00:31:13,280 --> 00:31:14,280
He has two years of sobriety, right?

618
00:31:14,280 --> 00:31:15,280
And so, no.

619
00:31:15,280 --> 00:31:16,280
He was taking a cake for one year.

620
00:31:16,280 --> 00:31:17,280
I know.

621
00:31:17,280 --> 00:31:18,280
I thought, you know.

622
00:31:18,280 --> 00:31:19,280
If I could have made it that long, I might have tried to take my chances and see if

623
00:31:19,280 --> 00:31:20,280
I could .

624
00:31:20,280 --> 00:31:21,280
I would have tried to slip out .

625
00:31:21,280 --> 00:31:22,280
So I didn't .

626
00:31:22,280 --> 00:31:23,280
But you know, honey.

627
00:31:23,280 --> 00:31:24,280
We're going to be here.

628
00:31:24,280 --> 00:31:25,280
I'd like to know what it's like.

629
00:31:25,280 --> 00:31:26,280
Just once.

630
00:31:26,280 --> 00:31:27,280
Just once.

631
00:31:27,280 --> 00:31:28,280
Just once.

632
00:31:28,280 --> 00:31:29,280
Just once.

633
00:31:29,280 --> 00:31:30,280
Just once.

634
00:31:30,280 --> 00:31:31,280
Just once.

635
00:31:31,280 --> 00:31:32,280
Just once.

636
00:31:32,280 --> 00:31:33,280
Just once.

637
00:31:33,280 --> 00:31:34,280
Just once.

638
00:31:34,280 --> 00:31:35,280
Just once.

639
00:31:35,280 --> 00:31:36,280
Just once.

640
00:31:36,280 --> 00:31:37,280
Just once.

641
00:31:37,280 --> 00:31:38,280
Just once.

642
00:31:38,280 --> 00:31:39,280
Just once.

643
00:31:39,280 --> 00:31:40,280
I'd like to know what it's like.

644
00:31:40,280 --> 00:31:41,280
Just once.

645
00:31:41,280 --> 00:31:42,280
Just once.

646
00:31:42,280 --> 00:31:43,690
Just once.

647
00:31:43,690 --> 00:31:44,690
We do get a life here, I think.

648
00:31:44,690 --> 00:31:45,690
, a quality of life.

649
00:31:45,690 --> 00:31:46,690
Yeah, .

650
00:31:46,690 --> 00:31:49,190
Thank you for letting me share.