1 00:00:00,980 --> 00:00:30,140 So, my name is Veronica and that's my spirit here in AA, and it's okay, everything works out, and I'm a really good client, so it was really good to be here, it was Friday, December 1st, 2005, I'm a sponsor, my name is Stephanie E., and my mom's in the Pacific League, so I just had a great day this month, I'm 14, and I will stay here this month, and something's working, if something wasn't working, I'm happy to be here, okay? 2 00:00:30,140 --> 00:00:40,060 So, and my friend John Lincoln said, he spoke here last week, and I read this line, and I'm like, why would you invite John, because all he does is come and talk to us. 3 00:00:40,060 --> 00:01:05,220 Meeting with me, I met Susan on my first year of sobriety, and she was so kind to me, because my experience was, if you don't know them, they're really kind to everyone, so it really just warms my heart to relate to them, or wait on them. 4 00:01:05,220 --> 00:01:30,170 So, Matt, Susan, and after a little bit, I brought John in to take over, and he was a very hitting friend of mine, and he was 4-year-old, and had 2 brothers, and I used to normally grow my bed in my household, it was very crowded, and everything was so new, and she and my daughter and I were sisters, 5 00:01:30,850 --> 00:01:39,030 and my first resentment was that my father was 6-2 years older than my mom, and my first name was probably my mother. 6 00:01:40,150 --> 00:01:40,690 Hmm. 7 00:01:40,690 --> 00:01:40,730 Yeah. 8 00:01:40,730 --> 00:01:46,930 My dad, before he met my mom, he was married and had four kids in his group. 9 00:01:47,110 --> 00:01:49,870 And then in between, he had a two-year-old daughter who wasn't home. 10 00:01:49,910 --> 00:01:53,050 So then my mom, before I was, there was a lot of them. 11 00:01:54,270 --> 00:01:58,090 And so my dad was kind of best friends with his mom. 12 00:01:58,710 --> 00:02:00,970 His mom, her, was, and her name was Robbie. 13 00:02:02,790 --> 00:02:03,970 And I love her. 14 00:02:04,390 --> 00:02:05,890 She was an only child. 15 00:02:05,890 --> 00:02:14,240 And when I used to ask him to do, like, dinner, he would go to me and record something for us. 16 00:02:14,460 --> 00:02:29,080 And so I said, and, um, about time, you know, everyone knows, you know, it's just you made it here. 17 00:02:29,320 --> 00:02:32,720 And so, yeah, just, it's really chaotic in my life. 18 00:02:33,140 --> 00:02:35,160 You know, that's how it felt, like, in my head. 19 00:02:35,380 --> 00:02:36,220 It's a lot of joy. 20 00:02:36,500 --> 00:02:37,400 You don't think it's fine. 21 00:02:37,600 --> 00:02:39,300 And I always feel a little different. 22 00:02:39,460 --> 00:02:41,680 So I remember one summer, Christmas summer. 23 00:02:42,020 --> 00:02:42,520 And I had a baby. 24 00:02:42,540 --> 00:02:46,640 And I needed to go in there because, you know, we weren't going to the Christmas party. 25 00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:49,080 And I felt so, you know, coming from L.A. 26 00:02:49,220 --> 00:02:51,280 But Mexico is really far over there. 27 00:02:51,420 --> 00:02:53,140 So I didn't want to do so much time over there. 28 00:02:53,400 --> 00:02:58,140 And I remember, um, so I have a aunt who's a religious woman. 29 00:02:58,460 --> 00:03:02,980 And she was from a very big place where, like, women had to wear skirts and, like, wear makeup. 30 00:03:03,360 --> 00:03:07,060 And so, um, so that church was based in Mexico. 31 00:03:07,460 --> 00:03:09,480 So we spent this summer in Mexico. 32 00:03:09,480 --> 00:03:12,020 So we must have been, like, 11 or 10 years old. 33 00:03:12,180 --> 00:03:12,440 And, um. 34 00:03:12,540 --> 00:03:14,920 We were doing, like, going to church every other day. 35 00:03:15,160 --> 00:03:15,900 And, um. 36 00:03:15,940 --> 00:03:19,940 And I remember one day, I don't know if I was 20 or 20, but, like, someone from church. 37 00:03:20,300 --> 00:03:22,720 And, um, I just remember being in the bathroom. 38 00:03:23,140 --> 00:03:25,300 I don't know if I was in the bathroom. 39 00:03:25,620 --> 00:03:29,640 And I just remember crying uncontrollably at that moment. 40 00:03:29,900 --> 00:03:33,540 Um, I can't tell you, but I just really felt close to a higher power. 41 00:03:33,660 --> 00:03:35,360 And I didn't know, you know, what that was all about. 42 00:03:35,360 --> 00:03:40,200 But later on, at 7 o'clock, I was like, no, no, I'm not going to go to church. 43 00:03:41,180 --> 00:03:42,600 You know, it feels like, you know. 44 00:03:42,660 --> 00:03:43,380 But I'm going to go. 45 00:03:43,500 --> 00:03:46,520 But anyway, so, um, so I was really scared of my aunt. 46 00:03:46,640 --> 00:03:47,440 She was pretty rigid. 47 00:03:47,700 --> 00:03:50,540 And then I had another aunt that, uh, was a Tijuana. 48 00:03:50,800 --> 00:03:51,400 And she's a fan. 49 00:03:51,520 --> 00:03:52,460 She was pretty new, right? 50 00:03:52,520 --> 00:03:54,220 She got caught with a little drug. 51 00:03:55,740 --> 00:03:57,780 And so, she's my fun aunt. 52 00:03:59,360 --> 00:04:00,860 So I have a mean aunt. 53 00:04:01,060 --> 00:04:03,940 And so my mom, my mom would take her to Tijuana. 54 00:04:03,940 --> 00:04:08,520 And so my aunt used to do drugs. 55 00:04:09,080 --> 00:04:12,420 And so, and so, from her mind, I like to see the thing going on. 56 00:04:12,620 --> 00:04:13,220 She would. 57 00:04:13,220 --> 00:04:18,840 And she would give me an iPhone, which was my signal that she had some lines lined up 58 00:04:18,840 --> 00:04:19,720 for me in the bathroom. 59 00:04:19,720 --> 00:04:24,280 And so I started coming with my hands and moving with her. 60 00:04:24,520 --> 00:04:26,540 And that's kind of how I got introduced to her. 61 00:04:26,640 --> 00:04:27,640 My mom never knew. 62 00:04:28,020 --> 00:04:28,500 Never knew. 63 00:04:28,760 --> 00:04:30,980 And we could only be pretty nine months old. 64 00:04:31,340 --> 00:04:32,440 Um, so we stayed home. 65 00:04:32,600 --> 00:04:34,820 And so, you know, that's what we were on. 66 00:04:35,620 --> 00:04:36,940 And so then she was there. 67 00:04:37,140 --> 00:04:38,900 So now it's a danger. 68 00:04:39,260 --> 00:04:40,740 And I said, like, I'm going to check out. 69 00:04:41,080 --> 00:04:42,460 I just feel like. 70 00:04:43,220 --> 00:04:44,060 But don't. 71 00:04:44,320 --> 00:04:45,160 So it started to get me. 72 00:04:45,280 --> 00:04:45,500 I'm getting. 73 00:04:46,510 --> 00:04:47,610 And that was, excuse me. 74 00:04:48,710 --> 00:04:50,070 Maybe I'm getting all this energy. 75 00:04:50,450 --> 00:04:53,030 And I lost a lot of my attention from school. 76 00:04:53,150 --> 00:04:54,370 And then I went back to the doctor. 77 00:04:54,690 --> 00:04:57,010 And I was like, oh, I'm so devastated. 78 00:04:57,410 --> 00:04:59,230 You know, like, oh, my God, I'm going to have to do this again. 79 00:04:59,470 --> 00:05:02,430 And, um, I don't know how I was sort of holding it in high school. 80 00:05:02,430 --> 00:05:05,030 I think it's sort of going to a lot of different parties. 81 00:05:05,630 --> 00:05:07,570 But don't you know, like, we're doing a lot of good stuff. 82 00:05:07,830 --> 00:05:09,390 It's easier to get a hold of it. 83 00:05:09,450 --> 00:05:10,730 Um, when I was a teenager. 84 00:05:11,250 --> 00:05:11,690 Wow. 85 00:05:12,090 --> 00:05:12,730 And so. 86 00:05:12,730 --> 00:05:14,750 It kind of set the scene for me. 87 00:05:15,090 --> 00:05:16,370 You know, like, where's the next party? 88 00:05:16,670 --> 00:05:17,570 What's the next party? 89 00:05:17,850 --> 00:05:18,910 I don't want to find out. 90 00:05:19,110 --> 00:05:20,250 You know, so the results. 91 00:05:20,510 --> 00:05:21,570 I dropped out of high school. 92 00:05:21,910 --> 00:05:23,310 And I dropped out of high school. 93 00:05:23,430 --> 00:05:24,270 I just couldn't show up. 94 00:05:24,490 --> 00:05:25,010 I couldn't show up. 95 00:05:25,290 --> 00:05:25,630 I couldn't show up. 96 00:05:25,630 --> 00:05:26,050 I couldn't show up. 97 00:05:26,050 --> 00:05:26,710 I couldn't show up. 98 00:05:26,710 --> 00:05:27,350 I couldn't drive. 99 00:05:27,690 --> 00:05:28,130 I couldn't show up. 100 00:05:28,390 --> 00:05:30,390 And then also at the same time, I got a job. 101 00:05:30,610 --> 00:05:31,470 Like Nancy mentioned. 102 00:05:31,630 --> 00:05:32,210 I got a job. 103 00:05:32,310 --> 00:05:33,010 I was pretty young. 104 00:05:33,330 --> 00:05:34,910 And, uh, like, I always worked. 105 00:05:35,010 --> 00:05:35,950 You know, I made my own money. 106 00:05:36,170 --> 00:05:37,790 I was pretty good at my job. 107 00:05:37,790 --> 00:05:39,090 But I couldn't keep my own company. 108 00:05:39,270 --> 00:05:43,330 And so, um, now when I was, like, 20 years old, I started to fly. 109 00:05:43,490 --> 00:05:44,590 I was, like, at two points. 110 00:05:44,670 --> 00:05:45,730 And I blacked out. 111 00:05:45,810 --> 00:05:47,030 I was somewhere like in Rosemead. 112 00:05:47,390 --> 00:05:48,650 And I got a stop sign. 113 00:05:48,910 --> 00:05:52,470 And, uh, and then I just remember, like, crying uncontrollably in the cop car. 114 00:05:52,610 --> 00:05:53,990 Thinking I was going to cry my way out of this. 115 00:05:54,570 --> 00:05:57,450 And I just remember, like, living in jail. 116 00:05:57,610 --> 00:05:58,410 I didn't go to jail. 117 00:05:58,410 --> 00:05:58,950 I was in jail. 118 00:05:59,150 --> 00:06:00,790 I was in jail. 119 00:06:01,230 --> 00:06:03,810 And, um, my brother and my sister. 120 00:06:04,010 --> 00:06:06,850 And, um, and I was living at my home. 121 00:06:06,970 --> 00:06:07,690 And, um. 122 00:06:07,850 --> 00:06:10,590 I just remember feeling, like, like I lost his love that day. 123 00:06:10,690 --> 00:06:11,410 Or his respect. 124 00:06:11,570 --> 00:06:13,770 Or, like, something I should do that day for me. 125 00:06:13,930 --> 00:06:14,250 You know? 126 00:06:14,470 --> 00:06:16,670 Um, that was just me. 127 00:06:16,990 --> 00:06:18,370 Just double the AA meeting. 128 00:06:18,470 --> 00:06:20,670 I had never heard of Alcoholics Anonymous before. 129 00:06:20,970 --> 00:06:24,030 And so, I remember going up to AA. 130 00:06:24,590 --> 00:06:25,230 I was loaded. 131 00:06:25,610 --> 00:06:26,770 I didn't want to get sober. 132 00:06:27,130 --> 00:06:30,590 If you're in here on a car, you can find me on a car. 133 00:06:32,370 --> 00:06:34,690 If I was in that van, I would probably win. 134 00:06:35,790 --> 00:06:38,010 Because I had no intention of winning. 135 00:06:38,170 --> 00:06:40,170 No, I had no intention of winning. 136 00:06:40,170 --> 00:06:43,170 So, um, my sister made us go out for the first time. 137 00:06:43,170 --> 00:06:44,170 We went to the fourth house meeting. 138 00:06:44,170 --> 00:06:46,170 And I was experienced with AA. 139 00:06:46,170 --> 00:06:49,170 I can't tell you much about the meetings I've been part of at this moment. 140 00:06:49,170 --> 00:06:51,170 But then I, so, I just kept partying. 141 00:06:51,170 --> 00:06:53,170 And so, I'm still in it with my mom. 142 00:06:53,170 --> 00:06:56,170 And so, I hated living with my mom. 143 00:06:56,170 --> 00:06:59,170 I said to myself, it's the first Tuesday night I'm willing to marry Ellen Carey. 144 00:06:59,170 --> 00:07:00,170 I love her. 145 00:07:00,170 --> 00:07:01,170 I think I love her. 146 00:07:01,170 --> 00:07:04,170 And so, um, that's what I did. 147 00:07:04,170 --> 00:07:06,170 So, um, that was just really nice. 148 00:07:06,170 --> 00:07:07,170 We got married. 149 00:07:07,170 --> 00:07:07,670 It's good. 150 00:07:07,670 --> 00:07:09,670 But, um, before we got married. 151 00:07:09,670 --> 00:07:13,670 So, so, there came a point in my life where I thought I would be drunk at it. 152 00:07:13,670 --> 00:07:16,670 I was using, like, crystal meth in the morning. 153 00:07:16,670 --> 00:07:20,670 And then, and then I would have to, like, either smoke pot or drink at night. 154 00:07:20,670 --> 00:07:21,670 Then, like, calm down. 155 00:07:21,670 --> 00:07:22,670 And I would go. 156 00:07:22,670 --> 00:07:23,670 Right? 157 00:07:23,670 --> 00:07:24,670 So, I wanted to leave then. 158 00:07:24,670 --> 00:07:27,670 Sometimes I would just pray, like, don't overshoot the mall. 159 00:07:27,670 --> 00:07:29,670 You know, I would, like, do too much. 160 00:07:29,670 --> 00:07:30,670 I would get home from work. 161 00:07:30,670 --> 00:07:33,670 And if I wanted, like, to, you know, do more lines, then forget it. 162 00:07:33,670 --> 00:07:34,670 I would go for a day. 163 00:07:34,670 --> 00:07:35,670 So, I would, like, struggle. 164 00:07:35,670 --> 00:07:36,670 Right? 165 00:07:36,670 --> 00:07:38,670 So, at one point, I thought I was a drug addict. 166 00:07:38,670 --> 00:07:40,670 So, I said to myself, I'm going to get a job with the airlines. 167 00:07:40,670 --> 00:07:41,670 I'm going to film a Friday night. 168 00:07:41,670 --> 00:07:42,670 I'm going to do my first job test. 169 00:07:42,670 --> 00:07:43,670 Do you know what the question is about? 170 00:07:43,670 --> 00:07:44,670 Let's connect. 171 00:07:44,670 --> 00:07:45,670 Let's connect. 172 00:07:45,670 --> 00:07:46,670 And so, um, I did that. 173 00:07:46,670 --> 00:07:47,670 I got a job with the airlines. 174 00:07:47,670 --> 00:07:48,670 I was on the internet. 175 00:07:48,670 --> 00:07:49,670 I remember I got the letter. 176 00:07:49,670 --> 00:07:50,670 I remember they were telling me they were going to drug test me. 177 00:07:50,670 --> 00:07:51,670 They told me to get all the drugs. 178 00:07:51,670 --> 00:07:52,670 I did my first 30 days. 179 00:07:52,670 --> 00:07:53,670 I got all the drugs. 180 00:07:53,670 --> 00:07:54,670 But that's when my other home was in progress. 181 00:07:54,670 --> 00:07:55,670 You know, that's when I just started doing all the drugs. 182 00:07:55,670 --> 00:07:56,670 So, it doesn't matter when I miss. 183 00:07:56,670 --> 00:07:57,670 I, I have a, I have a spiritual mouth. 184 00:07:57,670 --> 00:07:58,670 I have a hole inside me that I want to just feel it. 185 00:07:58,670 --> 00:07:59,670 Like, do I have to go home? 186 00:07:59,670 --> 00:08:00,670 It doesn't matter to me. 187 00:08:00,670 --> 00:08:01,670 You know, I, I didn't know that I had, I had something inside me. 188 00:08:01,670 --> 00:08:02,670 I know now what it is. 189 00:08:02,670 --> 00:08:03,670 You know, that, you know, I'm going to go home. 190 00:08:03,670 --> 00:08:04,670 I didn't feel that hole. 191 00:08:04,670 --> 00:08:05,670 I don't know how I feel that hole today. 192 00:08:05,670 --> 00:08:06,670 But, back then, I didn't know. 193 00:08:06,670 --> 00:08:07,670 I just felt, like, really disconnected from the world. 194 00:08:07,670 --> 00:08:08,670 And so, I started drinking every day. 195 00:08:08,670 --> 00:08:09,670 And I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, 196 00:08:09,670 --> 00:08:24,670 I would empty out the bottle. 197 00:08:24,670 --> 00:08:35,110 And I remember one night, there was a changing crew and I couldn't steal the alcohol on the 198 00:08:35,110 --> 00:08:36,110 place, or whatever. 199 00:08:36,110 --> 00:08:39,230 And I remember going to the motel room and there was no alcohol. 200 00:08:39,230 --> 00:08:42,830 No alcohol anywhere, hotel room, no bar 201 00:08:42,830 --> 00:08:45,430 And I stayed up all night thinking about when I was going to get married 202 00:08:45,430 --> 00:08:48,570 It was like, it was like, crazy that I was going to get married 203 00:08:48,570 --> 00:08:52,270 Because, you know, towards the end, all I was thinking about, like, when I was going to get married 204 00:08:52,270 --> 00:08:54,390 I was going to get on this plane, you know, fly to Japan 205 00:08:54,390 --> 00:08:57,030 And I stayed up all night thinking about getting married 206 00:08:57,030 --> 00:08:59,290 So, like I said, I got married very, very soon 207 00:08:59,290 --> 00:09:03,570 I thought that I was going to be, um, get married and move to the Valley 208 00:09:03,570 --> 00:09:07,730 And so, uh, what happened towards the end, I thought I was going to get married 209 00:09:07,730 --> 00:09:11,050 And so, you know, two book trips, also, um, for Joe 210 00:09:11,050 --> 00:09:16,510 I didn't become a loved one, and I said, you know, I cannot have any liquor in my house 211 00:09:16,510 --> 00:09:19,830 I was, I was just, I was going to go, you know, I didn't make it in my house 212 00:09:19,830 --> 00:09:22,990 Because now I'm just, you know, I'm kind of about to black out 213 00:09:22,990 --> 00:09:27,670 You know, I'm not even thinking, because now, social life, you know, I'm beginning to black out 214 00:09:27,670 --> 00:09:31,090 So, um, the two book trips were the end, and so 215 00:09:31,090 --> 00:09:33,430 And what happened was I started getting sick of liquor, you know 216 00:09:33,430 --> 00:09:36,030 Like, I started having all the problems with my thoughts again 217 00:09:36,030 --> 00:09:37,710 I was afraid, uh, drooling 218 00:09:37,710 --> 00:09:40,890 I had a really awful hangover 219 00:09:40,890 --> 00:09:43,330 You know, I was like, I don't know 220 00:09:43,330 --> 00:09:46,430 So, as a result, I went to see a doctor 221 00:09:46,430 --> 00:09:48,870 Like, I just felt things changing in my body 222 00:09:48,870 --> 00:09:50,650 I couldn't drive long distances 223 00:09:50,650 --> 00:09:53,510 That was really different 224 00:09:53,510 --> 00:09:55,930 So, I went to see a doctor 225 00:09:55,930 --> 00:09:58,490 And I got full physical and full blood work 226 00:09:58,490 --> 00:10:02,090 And she said my liver enzymes levels were really elevated 227 00:10:02,090 --> 00:10:05,570 And that I was too young to have such elevated levels 228 00:10:05,570 --> 00:10:07,410 And she wanted me, like, okay 229 00:10:07,710 --> 00:10:10,810 She was like, you know, like, all of this stuff 230 00:10:10,810 --> 00:10:12,970 It was all just kind of, like, liver. 231 00:10:12,970 --> 00:10:13,850 Like 30 years old 232 00:10:13,850 --> 00:10:15,330 And stuff like that, my entire life, you know 233 00:10:15,330 --> 00:10:18,190 But, like, deep down inside I just, I knew, I had false behaviors 234 00:10:18,190 --> 00:10:20,230 You know, I didn't know what to do again 235 00:10:20,230 --> 00:10:21,990 You know, and now I got really afraid 236 00:10:21,990 --> 00:10:23,770 Oh, she's crazy 237 00:10:23,770 --> 00:10:25,770 I was like, I'm like, I'm gonna die 238 00:10:25,770 --> 00:10:27,390 I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die 239 00:10:27,390 --> 00:10:29,470 I don't know, like, there's a lot of things going on 240 00:10:29,470 --> 00:10:31,450 And I didn't know what to do 241 00:10:31,450 --> 00:10:34,890 And I didn't remember being in that care while I was on the self-care team 242 00:10:34,890 --> 00:10:36,830 I thought, you know, you have to take care of this baby 243 00:10:36,830 --> 00:11:06,450 So then I went and met with the doctor and he was like, okay, well, you know, you have a, your heart will never, your liver can fight with like a 50-year-old person, either in your living room or in your home, so he asked me how much I was drinking, and I didn't have to tell him how much, and I was so embarrassed, and I was so scared, and anyway, he said, you can't do nothing, and I said, yeah, because I was too good, no problem, and so I remember going home, telling my husband, like, I'm going to go to rehab, and my husband and I, we have a perfect situation, 244 00:11:06,450 --> 00:11:36,250 since he worked 3 p.m., so when I tell him that, he's like, oh, he's already fucked up, but he didn't really know how much I was drinking, and so when I came home, and I said, I'm going to, I think I need to go to rehab, and the doctor was like, okay, so he was like, I think you're over, I think you're over, that's really not what I'm saying, so I said, okay, well, I'll see you at my college, and I said, okay, I'll see you at my college, and so when I saw the psychologist, and by a couple of our visits, he said, it's just good to meet about how much I'm going to have to visit, so I mean, I had totally forgotten, 245 00:11:36,450 --> 00:12:02,500 like, we were earlier, I think I went to AA before, so it seems like by next week, I'll want you to report back to me, tell me how the meeting was, even tell me what meeting was, so I'm going to do a meeting, and so I remember I drove to the meeting, and I parked, I couldn't go inside, I could not walk inside, and I heard you guys singing happy birthday, and I was like, what are you doing there? 246 00:12:02,500 --> 00:12:05,240 I was so afraid. 247 00:12:06,800 --> 00:12:24,460 A couple of days later, I woke up to this. This is how I actually walked in. There was a woman, too, and it was terrible for me. She said that she was going through that thing, and I thought I was going to have a heart attack. That, for me, felt hopeful for the first time, and I felt, well, maybe this is going to be real. And so I wondered what she was going to do to help me get out of that. 248 00:12:24,460 --> 00:12:42,240 And so my whole life, I was so sick and tired of her being like this, and I was really desperate, really desperate for her to help me, and I just wanted her to go away, right? So that's what started my journey here. And I'm really grateful that I was so desperate, because I was willing to do it somebody else's way. 249 00:12:42,240 --> 00:12:51,240 And, you know, if you are new, I hope you're desperate, and I hope you're willing to get a sponsor and do it somebody else's way, you know, because my way certainly wasn't working out. 250 00:12:51,700 --> 00:12:54,340 So that started my journey here. 251 00:12:54,540 --> 00:12:55,280 And I remember going. 252 00:12:55,300 --> 00:12:55,640 I went home. 253 00:12:55,740 --> 00:12:56,600 It was a new meeting. 254 00:12:56,840 --> 00:12:57,180 I went home. 255 00:12:57,280 --> 00:12:58,500 I said, you know, I don't know. 256 00:12:58,700 --> 00:12:59,820 I can't tell you what happened. 257 00:12:59,940 --> 00:13:01,200 I mean, I just don't want to go back there. 258 00:13:01,260 --> 00:13:02,180 I didn't want to drink for a while. 259 00:13:02,220 --> 00:13:03,800 I didn't think about drinking for a while, you know? 260 00:13:04,080 --> 00:13:06,370 And so we used to have a relationship. 261 00:13:06,630 --> 00:13:07,070 I don't know. 262 00:13:07,370 --> 00:13:08,570 I don't think we knew what I was going to do. 263 00:13:10,970 --> 00:13:12,070 You can go to the bank. 264 00:13:15,090 --> 00:13:16,350 Out of my mind. 265 00:13:16,430 --> 00:13:16,970 Out of my mind. 266 00:13:17,030 --> 00:13:20,010 I have never been that uncomfortable in my life, you know? 267 00:13:20,310 --> 00:13:22,170 The thing for me was, like, I have a cat. 268 00:13:22,170 --> 00:13:23,170 I have a living problem. 269 00:13:23,310 --> 00:13:24,550 That's my problem, you know? 270 00:13:24,550 --> 00:13:26,090 I don't know how to raise children. 271 00:13:26,090 --> 00:13:29,410 So I used alcohol as my condition for many, many years. 272 00:13:29,630 --> 00:13:31,410 You know, I don't want people to hate me because I'm a rapist. 273 00:13:31,510 --> 00:13:32,830 I'm a postal disorder. 274 00:13:33,170 --> 00:13:34,830 Well, everything was a trick. 275 00:13:35,010 --> 00:13:37,230 Everything was like a first time. 276 00:13:37,430 --> 00:13:39,790 So I throw these around here. 277 00:13:39,890 --> 00:13:40,610 I found a sponsor. 278 00:13:40,970 --> 00:13:43,550 She just happened to be part of the Pacific group. 279 00:13:43,650 --> 00:13:45,590 And I had never heard of the Pacific group. 280 00:13:45,730 --> 00:13:49,990 All I know is that I was told to get a Friday day home group and a sponsor. 281 00:13:50,330 --> 00:13:50,770 That's all I know. 282 00:13:50,830 --> 00:13:51,530 So that's what I did. 283 00:13:51,570 --> 00:13:53,370 So she laid it out for me. 284 00:13:53,370 --> 00:13:54,130 She told me what to do. 285 00:13:54,130 --> 00:13:54,970 I had regular meetings. 286 00:13:55,090 --> 00:13:55,730 I'm a regular meeting. 287 00:13:55,730 --> 00:13:59,170 One night, I went to Stephanie's place, because every day is when I want to show up. 288 00:13:59,310 --> 00:14:02,550 And I was told to call three women every day from Boston. 289 00:14:02,930 --> 00:14:05,810 For every woman that was going through the meeting, I'd be hitting the door. 290 00:14:05,930 --> 00:14:07,750 These women are the ones that make the major decisions. 291 00:14:07,970 --> 00:14:08,810 I'm on step by her. 292 00:14:08,990 --> 00:14:10,030 I was told to call her every day. 293 00:14:10,330 --> 00:14:13,550 I did not really know how to utilize a sponsor when I was male. 294 00:14:13,830 --> 00:14:16,070 I did not know how to be honest with a sponsor. 295 00:14:16,530 --> 00:14:17,490 I was never really honest. 296 00:14:17,490 --> 00:14:20,050 It was just practice. 297 00:14:20,350 --> 00:14:22,050 I found them to be a good friend. 298 00:14:22,790 --> 00:14:25,390 They're not really the Pacific people that we came together. 299 00:14:25,730 --> 00:14:29,840 But the way that my son helped me was, like, I would do what his father would do for my sister, though. 300 00:14:29,840 --> 00:14:33,560 And I was saying to him, you know, because I don't really want to disappoint my sponsor. 301 00:14:34,220 --> 00:14:36,380 And I kind of wanted to, you know, today. 302 00:14:36,380 --> 00:14:42,450 I think that I, from my equal side, I think that I would do what Stephanie would do for me. 303 00:14:43,310 --> 00:14:44,570 I was with a friend. 304 00:14:44,890 --> 00:14:47,110 I mean, it doesn't matter, like, a friend or a sponsor. 305 00:14:47,790 --> 00:14:51,110 So I got a friend, and we started doing AA together. 306 00:14:51,410 --> 00:14:52,910 And my husband was so supportive. 307 00:14:53,130 --> 00:14:53,670 God bless him. 308 00:14:53,730 --> 00:14:55,690 He was like, go do what you need to do. 309 00:14:55,970 --> 00:14:56,170 All right. 310 00:14:56,210 --> 00:14:56,650 So it was good. 311 00:14:56,690 --> 00:14:58,970 It's been a long time since all of you together. 312 00:14:59,350 --> 00:15:03,090 And on the days where I didn't want to go to meetings, he would encourage me to show up. 313 00:15:03,170 --> 00:15:05,610 And on the days you don't want to go, like, I would encourage him to go. 314 00:15:05,770 --> 00:15:07,850 And that's something that we helped each other a lot. 315 00:15:08,030 --> 00:15:08,830 Like, you know, big time. 316 00:15:10,040 --> 00:15:10,160 Thank you. 317 00:15:12,900 --> 00:15:15,000 And, like, she also had commitments, you know. 318 00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:20,300 When you're at tour, and you're, like, sick with the winners, the winners are the ones that are, like, a commitment. 319 00:15:20,820 --> 00:15:21,760 The ones that show up. 320 00:15:21,860 --> 00:15:23,360 Those are the ones that we both have commitments. 321 00:15:23,480 --> 00:15:26,760 It was Stephanie and me, I think, and my group and Stephanie. 322 00:15:27,240 --> 00:15:35,640 So I just kind of, you know, I really tried not to get too kind of, you know, forced up. 323 00:15:35,820 --> 00:15:38,240 You know, the sponsor was just like, just write it. 324 00:15:38,320 --> 00:15:38,940 Just write it. 325 00:15:39,080 --> 00:15:40,740 You know, only kind of the little things. 326 00:15:40,960 --> 00:15:43,920 So I think that I did my big step. 327 00:15:44,380 --> 00:15:50,200 And then I just started carrying it to learn about the principles of Alcoholics Anonymous. 328 00:15:50,760 --> 00:15:55,380 And I started learning to look at this, where it's easy. 329 00:15:56,620 --> 00:15:57,600 Quality of life. 330 00:15:57,600 --> 00:15:58,100 Thank you. 331 00:15:59,960 --> 00:16:08,570 You know, I have been in this school in my life. 332 00:16:08,810 --> 00:16:10,890 So I get to choose today. 333 00:16:11,210 --> 00:16:13,210 Because I have a lot of good examples. 334 00:16:13,830 --> 00:16:17,310 So I started working a step. 335 00:16:17,450 --> 00:16:18,930 I started finding them in my life. 336 00:16:19,050 --> 00:16:21,850 And three years sober, I was feeling really good. 337 00:16:22,090 --> 00:16:25,810 I had just started, like, home out of my life. 338 00:16:26,090 --> 00:16:28,290 I started to get color in my life. 339 00:16:28,290 --> 00:16:30,170 I feel like, you know, I feel like the first three years. 340 00:16:30,310 --> 00:16:31,330 She was four days, right? 341 00:16:31,710 --> 00:16:34,410 And I remember when my first year of sobriety was when my husband and my other one, 342 00:16:34,550 --> 00:16:35,130 he's not working. 343 00:16:35,370 --> 00:16:36,390 I was like, how the hell am I going to help? 344 00:16:36,470 --> 00:16:37,530 You know, I'm a successful human. 345 00:16:37,690 --> 00:16:40,370 And I remember, like, my first year of sobriety, like, it was six months ago. 346 00:16:40,570 --> 00:16:41,830 We had, like, three plants. 347 00:16:42,050 --> 00:16:42,750 We were in a current. 348 00:16:42,990 --> 00:16:43,630 Don't come on there. 349 00:16:43,830 --> 00:16:44,230 Mexico. 350 00:16:44,630 --> 00:16:45,490 I didn't want to go. 351 00:16:45,610 --> 00:16:46,270 I didn't want to go. 352 00:16:46,450 --> 00:16:47,090 Be along with her. 353 00:16:47,210 --> 00:16:47,730 Don't talk to her. 354 00:16:47,730 --> 00:16:48,090 Get by. 355 00:16:48,330 --> 00:16:49,770 I didn't want to talk to her. 356 00:16:49,770 --> 00:16:50,850 I don't want to talk to her. 357 00:16:51,010 --> 00:16:51,810 And she was like, why? 358 00:16:52,130 --> 00:16:52,630 Come on. 359 00:16:52,630 --> 00:16:57,780 I was so uncomfortable. 360 00:16:58,140 --> 00:16:59,040 I made a change. 361 00:16:59,260 --> 00:17:00,520 And it wasn't the hotel room. 362 00:17:00,600 --> 00:17:01,280 It was me. 363 00:17:01,460 --> 00:17:03,200 I was so comfortable inside. 364 00:17:03,580 --> 00:17:05,080 You know, I was so comfortable. 365 00:17:05,500 --> 00:17:07,480 Every time I turned, there was, like, three alcohols. 366 00:17:07,580 --> 00:17:11,520 And there was no, like, thing that was going to happen to me. 367 00:17:11,600 --> 00:17:13,660 Because my hair was just, like, crazy, you know? 368 00:17:13,800 --> 00:17:15,620 But, you know, I got through it sober. 369 00:17:16,280 --> 00:17:18,240 And those are, like, little things that I just kind of remember. 370 00:17:18,380 --> 00:17:21,720 Where, like, I had to just act like I was working like that, you know? 371 00:17:21,720 --> 00:17:23,360 And because, in your example, 372 00:17:23,680 --> 00:17:26,080 you know, the old-timers, I knew, like, that they can say the word. 373 00:17:26,420 --> 00:17:29,800 So that's kind of how I got into sobriety in my first couple of years. 374 00:17:29,980 --> 00:17:31,960 And, like, third year of sobriety, I started to, like, 375 00:17:32,020 --> 00:17:34,860 I started to enjoy being a very kind, divine boy. 376 00:17:35,120 --> 00:17:35,420 You know? 377 00:17:35,560 --> 00:17:37,180 Like, that's when I discovered, like, 378 00:17:37,280 --> 00:17:39,720 that's where I really started to fall in, you know? 379 00:17:39,820 --> 00:17:41,800 And so that was really important for me. 380 00:17:41,920 --> 00:17:43,160 I did a lot of, like, falling in love. 381 00:17:43,900 --> 00:17:46,980 And then, three years, I realized, like, I was really unhappy. 382 00:17:47,140 --> 00:17:49,380 I had mentioned to my manager that I was just going to marry you. 383 00:17:49,420 --> 00:17:51,560 And he went to, like, just take me out of the house, right? 384 00:17:51,560 --> 00:17:53,640 And so I remember telling my sponsor, 385 00:17:53,720 --> 00:17:55,620 like, I'm really happy, but I'm really unhappy. 386 00:17:55,840 --> 00:17:57,780 Like, I just didn't want to be around him anymore. 387 00:17:58,080 --> 00:17:59,520 I was sanitizing, and I got in a room. 388 00:17:59,740 --> 00:18:02,660 I knew I'd never have to sanitize, and I got to stand in a room. 389 00:18:03,020 --> 00:18:06,880 And for a long time, I kind of, like, that kept me going, you know? 390 00:18:07,500 --> 00:18:09,380 And so I had a lot of help in there. 391 00:18:09,500 --> 00:18:11,440 And so my sponsor was like, 392 00:18:11,460 --> 00:18:14,180 okay, you have to finish all your steps, including here and there. 393 00:18:14,300 --> 00:18:15,140 No, I won't do that. 394 00:18:15,380 --> 00:18:16,020 I'm happy. 395 00:18:16,340 --> 00:18:20,380 And so I'm going to enjoy doing this right now. 396 00:18:20,380 --> 00:18:21,080 Okay. 397 00:18:21,380 --> 00:18:22,480 So she helped me. 398 00:18:22,800 --> 00:18:23,080 Let me. 399 00:18:23,680 --> 00:18:25,620 I'm going to walk through that with ways and dignity. 400 00:18:25,800 --> 00:18:28,980 I remember, like, she helped me with finding work. 401 00:18:29,140 --> 00:18:30,620 I remember we had a Dodger game. 402 00:18:30,880 --> 00:18:33,300 You know, we had a plan to go to the Dodger game. 403 00:18:33,400 --> 00:18:34,720 And I called her, and I said, hey, you know, 404 00:18:34,760 --> 00:18:35,540 we're going to do a Dodger game. 405 00:18:35,640 --> 00:18:36,260 Can I do it after? 406 00:18:36,540 --> 00:18:37,560 You know, it's not the right time. 407 00:18:37,680 --> 00:18:38,400 Can I do it after? 408 00:18:38,660 --> 00:18:41,020 And she goes, I think that's never going to be the right time. 409 00:18:41,080 --> 00:18:42,020 It's all through, you know. 410 00:18:42,160 --> 00:18:44,320 And then I thought, like, God was going to punish me. 411 00:18:44,620 --> 00:18:45,560 God was going to punish me. 412 00:18:45,700 --> 00:18:47,480 She's like, no, you have, like, a higher power. 413 00:18:47,560 --> 00:18:48,260 That's not punishing. 414 00:18:48,460 --> 00:18:49,080 No, no. 415 00:18:49,080 --> 00:18:50,640 So I just went on faith. 416 00:18:50,960 --> 00:18:53,940 Because I felt like a big fraud, you know. 417 00:18:54,040 --> 00:18:57,840 I felt like I was, now I'm feeling like I'm just using her for potential reasons. 418 00:18:58,040 --> 00:19:00,060 You know, I can't afford to live like that. 419 00:19:00,160 --> 00:19:00,380 It's over. 420 00:19:00,520 --> 00:19:03,640 And when I was new, I remember, like, I would meet these women and look like, 421 00:19:03,840 --> 00:19:05,760 they're in apartments and self-supporting. 422 00:19:05,920 --> 00:19:06,800 That's what I wanted. 423 00:19:06,960 --> 00:19:09,520 Show me how to be an adult, you know, and not depend on it. 424 00:19:10,240 --> 00:19:13,180 Because I lived with my mom, and then I got married. 425 00:19:13,320 --> 00:19:14,840 And so I've always been taken care of. 426 00:19:14,880 --> 00:19:16,640 I never know if I felt this way or not. 427 00:19:16,960 --> 00:19:18,200 No, because I had no skills. 428 00:19:18,200 --> 00:19:18,920 I don't care. 429 00:19:19,080 --> 00:19:20,720 So I got through that divorce. 430 00:19:21,040 --> 00:19:23,040 I was really kind. 431 00:19:23,240 --> 00:19:24,540 I did it with grace and dignity. 432 00:19:24,780 --> 00:19:27,680 My sponsor told me to walk away and ask for nothing. 433 00:19:27,920 --> 00:19:29,540 He's like, he was such a good man to me. 434 00:19:29,640 --> 00:19:30,540 We were like, you're out for her. 435 00:19:30,760 --> 00:19:31,860 So that's what I did. 436 00:19:32,120 --> 00:19:34,980 So I asked my sister who was a lawyer to help me through this divorce. 437 00:19:35,300 --> 00:19:37,280 And she said, you know, Monica, we know you can get married. 438 00:19:38,950 --> 00:19:42,070 You know, you can't accept it. 439 00:19:42,310 --> 00:19:44,900 Like, okay, this is your win. 440 00:19:44,900 --> 00:19:49,400 And so because I did that, I felt really good about how I walked away, you know. 441 00:19:49,540 --> 00:19:50,120 And my sponsor. 442 00:19:50,240 --> 00:19:53,400 She just kept reassuring me, like, you are taking care of this thing. 443 00:19:53,400 --> 00:19:55,460 And so I walked away from her, and I just said, it's over. 444 00:19:55,660 --> 00:19:56,700 Hey, all right, I trust. 445 00:19:56,760 --> 00:19:57,320 I'm going to trust. 446 00:19:57,420 --> 00:19:58,240 And that's what I did. 447 00:19:58,400 --> 00:20:01,560 And so I remember the same day I told him, I was leaving. 448 00:20:01,860 --> 00:20:03,920 I told my, I called my sister. 449 00:20:04,120 --> 00:20:06,740 She wanted me to live upstairs, and then she told him downstairs. 450 00:20:06,960 --> 00:20:09,640 I was like, no, I have to, like, fully leave all this now. 451 00:20:09,800 --> 00:20:10,760 And so I called my sister. 452 00:20:11,240 --> 00:20:12,560 And everybody loved him, too. 453 00:20:12,640 --> 00:20:13,720 My whole family loved him. 454 00:20:13,920 --> 00:20:14,480 And my sister. 455 00:20:14,540 --> 00:20:16,900 I called my sister, and I said, hey, I do select letters. 456 00:20:17,160 --> 00:20:18,060 Can I take your home? 457 00:20:18,200 --> 00:20:19,160 She was like, no. 458 00:20:19,160 --> 00:20:21,370 You can stay here as long as you need to. 459 00:20:21,590 --> 00:20:22,510 And that's how I did it. 460 00:20:22,710 --> 00:20:25,710 I drove to my sister's house, and then she put me there. 461 00:20:25,850 --> 00:20:28,730 After I entered, I could rent a room from her, because she lived by the beach. 462 00:20:28,930 --> 00:20:32,370 And I was working at LAX, you know, as a flight attendant. 463 00:20:32,950 --> 00:20:35,670 And I had a perfect arrangement, right? 464 00:20:35,850 --> 00:20:39,230 And so she let me rent a room from her. 465 00:20:39,410 --> 00:20:41,230 And I was, like, six years sober now. 466 00:20:41,390 --> 00:20:42,970 And I was going to leave, right? 467 00:20:43,130 --> 00:20:44,970 And so I did a lot of work. 468 00:20:44,970 --> 00:20:47,990 I started to use my domicile. 469 00:20:48,110 --> 00:20:48,950 And I would go. 470 00:20:49,190 --> 00:20:51,650 I had a problem with a guy who lived in Cleveland, Texas, Sweden. 471 00:20:51,970 --> 00:20:52,710 So I went to Sweden. 472 00:20:54,310 --> 00:20:55,970 With the intentions of going to A&M. 473 00:20:56,070 --> 00:20:59,170 So I got nice to be in a meeting there because of this guy. 474 00:20:59,690 --> 00:21:02,570 And because the proof of that would come out every year. 475 00:21:02,730 --> 00:21:03,850 And so I made friends with him. 476 00:21:04,170 --> 00:21:05,170 And then he would always joke. 477 00:21:05,330 --> 00:21:06,830 And I'm like, oh, can I be there one day? 478 00:21:06,950 --> 00:21:09,970 And so I started to travel by myself. 479 00:21:10,110 --> 00:21:11,210 And I was so terrified. 480 00:21:11,630 --> 00:21:13,010 And I was like, that would go anyway. 481 00:21:13,010 --> 00:21:15,370 And I had so many little goshdots. 482 00:21:15,830 --> 00:21:18,110 And I started traveling. 483 00:21:18,110 --> 00:21:21,770 And my sister, though, I thought I hadn't done living in a relationship. 484 00:21:22,030 --> 00:21:23,310 I thought I was going to be a good roommate. 485 00:21:23,430 --> 00:21:24,510 I thought I was going to be my best friend. 486 00:21:24,770 --> 00:21:27,190 I was even on weekends to go see my mom and my wife. 487 00:21:27,410 --> 00:21:28,710 And I would be at a meeting every day. 488 00:21:29,290 --> 00:21:32,090 But my sister, I had a couple of months. 489 00:21:32,270 --> 00:21:34,330 She said to me, I want you to start dating. 490 00:21:34,330 --> 00:21:35,410 I said, why can't you just tell me? 491 00:21:35,610 --> 00:21:36,790 I was so excited. 492 00:21:37,850 --> 00:21:38,950 She totally hurt me. 493 00:21:39,230 --> 00:21:41,170 I was so hurt. 494 00:21:41,230 --> 00:21:41,910 I was so hurt. 495 00:21:41,990 --> 00:21:43,410 I was hoping for her to call me back. 496 00:21:43,530 --> 00:21:44,290 I was hoping to be there. 497 00:21:44,490 --> 00:21:45,290 I was like, okay, I'll be there. 498 00:21:45,290 --> 00:21:45,690 I was like, okay, I'll be there. 499 00:21:45,690 --> 00:21:46,230 I was like, okay, I'll be there. 500 00:21:48,110 --> 00:21:50,450 And I was like, oh, my God. 501 00:21:50,570 --> 00:21:52,850 I said he couldn't be there for a couple of months. 502 00:21:52,930 --> 00:21:54,030 He's like, it's your deposit. 503 00:21:54,330 --> 00:21:56,050 So I got it. 504 00:21:56,090 --> 00:21:56,870 I got over it. 505 00:21:57,030 --> 00:21:59,590 I started looking at the parts. 506 00:22:00,130 --> 00:22:00,970 I went off to AA. 507 00:22:01,210 --> 00:22:02,750 I invited my friends from AA. 508 00:22:03,270 --> 00:22:03,970 I had no clue. 509 00:22:04,170 --> 00:22:05,270 I had no idea what was going on. 510 00:22:05,810 --> 00:22:08,550 So we went to the department. 511 00:22:09,170 --> 00:22:13,210 We got another girl from Alcoholics Anonymous to come with me to find the one. 512 00:22:13,690 --> 00:22:16,030 I was like shaking when I was playing. 513 00:22:16,030 --> 00:22:18,010 I had never paid rent before. 514 00:22:18,110 --> 00:22:30,130 So I brought her with me to find it, and I looked into my name tag, and I remember what my sister did for me is that that's what God did for me what I did for myself. 515 00:22:30,130 --> 00:22:33,130 Because when you look at me, I find the things I still believe in there. 516 00:22:34,130 --> 00:22:36,170 So everything has been for me. 517 00:22:36,330 --> 00:22:37,710 God did it for me right now. 518 00:22:38,590 --> 00:22:39,930 God was speaking to me. 519 00:22:41,740 --> 00:22:43,760 And so I got my claim. 520 00:22:43,960 --> 00:22:45,160 Now I'm really glad to be alive. 521 00:22:45,580 --> 00:22:46,980 I'm self-supporting. 522 00:22:47,260 --> 00:22:48,400 I'm going to meetings. 523 00:22:48,940 --> 00:22:50,720 I've got an apartment on the west side. 524 00:22:51,120 --> 00:22:52,720 I want to come to my meeting. 525 00:22:52,980 --> 00:22:54,100 I'm feeling really good. 526 00:22:54,640 --> 00:22:58,240 And then I'm at a meeting, and I see this really cute guy. 527 00:22:58,360 --> 00:23:01,320 I don't know anything about him, but I said, he's going to be my boyfriend. 528 00:23:01,520 --> 00:23:02,340 I don't know anything about him. 529 00:23:02,360 --> 00:23:04,000 Turns out he's a chronic relapser. 530 00:23:04,120 --> 00:23:04,660 But you know what? 531 00:23:04,760 --> 00:23:07,280 I mean, I can't explain how cool I am. 532 00:23:07,400 --> 00:23:08,080 I just can't help it. 533 00:23:08,160 --> 00:23:11,080 And so I remember trying to get him to stay. 534 00:23:11,500 --> 00:23:13,780 And I remember telling my sponsor. 535 00:23:13,780 --> 00:23:17,240 I told my sponsor, here I started being so-and-so. 536 00:23:17,380 --> 00:23:18,920 And she goes, well, do you want me to stay? 537 00:23:19,040 --> 00:23:20,060 You can't see him. 538 00:23:20,260 --> 00:23:23,180 That was really, you know, a little extreme. 539 00:23:23,600 --> 00:23:27,460 And so I called her the following week, and I thanked her for sponsoring me. 540 00:23:29,620 --> 00:23:34,640 I took my vote back. 541 00:23:34,940 --> 00:23:35,620 That was on me. 542 00:23:35,820 --> 00:23:37,420 I remember my sponsor calling me. 543 00:23:37,840 --> 00:23:40,440 And he told me, well, not that he sponsored me. 544 00:23:40,440 --> 00:23:45,020 He told me, I told her, I said, look, I'm not going to take your suggestions at all. 545 00:23:45,020 --> 00:23:49,060 And so she said, okay, am I only for justice? 546 00:23:49,220 --> 00:23:50,720 And I said, no, we need to get it. 547 00:23:50,780 --> 00:23:51,700 Just don't do it. 548 00:23:51,900 --> 00:23:53,400 And so he didn't get voted. 549 00:23:53,600 --> 00:23:55,040 And he was like, oh, this is really scary. 550 00:23:55,480 --> 00:23:59,860 You know, he was like, oh, I'm going to get a place. 551 00:23:59,980 --> 00:24:01,800 And then he was like, drink. 552 00:24:01,980 --> 00:24:03,240 And then he would lose everything. 553 00:24:03,640 --> 00:24:07,800 And then, you know, and so that was, that was, I just ignored the red flag. 554 00:24:07,860 --> 00:24:08,580 I ignored the red flag. 555 00:24:08,640 --> 00:24:09,580 But I just got my will. 556 00:24:10,300 --> 00:24:13,120 So that was like, you know, so I finally ended up with that. 557 00:24:13,120 --> 00:24:14,800 And then we realized I was going to go with him. 558 00:24:15,630 --> 00:24:16,850 And he was a really good guy. 559 00:24:17,010 --> 00:24:18,250 And he didn't like my home group. 560 00:24:18,390 --> 00:24:19,630 He didn't like me meeting him. 561 00:24:19,630 --> 00:24:20,590 He was just being a stone. 562 00:24:20,710 --> 00:24:21,390 Of course he didn't like me. 563 00:24:21,430 --> 00:24:22,630 You know, you guys are so over happy. 564 00:24:22,790 --> 00:24:25,830 You know, and it was really making me feel good about myself. 565 00:24:27,290 --> 00:24:30,610 So finally, after two years, I'm like, oh, he's here with me. 566 00:24:31,820 --> 00:24:33,880 But it was like a weird day. 567 00:24:34,420 --> 00:24:37,160 Thank God, you know, until he moved back to the parents. 568 00:24:37,380 --> 00:24:40,220 Yeah, God didn't hurt me, but it was so hard, you know. 569 00:24:40,220 --> 00:24:45,320 And so, but you know what, though, that experience really is what gave me so much compassion. 570 00:24:45,580 --> 00:24:50,140 Like, now I have so much compassion for, you know, because I suffered. 571 00:24:50,520 --> 00:24:51,160 And I just do that. 572 00:24:51,360 --> 00:24:52,620 And I'm just like, I don't know. 573 00:24:52,740 --> 00:24:57,260 And it's like, it seems like I've gotten enough pain to like connect to my number one motive. 574 00:24:57,620 --> 00:25:00,180 The good thing about pain is I think it's getting up in the morning. 575 00:25:00,540 --> 00:25:01,580 It doesn't go anywhere. 576 00:25:02,000 --> 00:25:04,180 So I got to know a little bit about what happened there. 577 00:25:04,540 --> 00:25:06,340 And so today I'm still flying for the airline. 578 00:25:07,240 --> 00:25:11,160 And so much of work is like, I feel better than I feel. 579 00:25:11,560 --> 00:25:12,760 Because I work with the public. 580 00:25:13,000 --> 00:25:15,220 And this is the way, you know. 581 00:25:15,400 --> 00:25:16,840 I go to a lot of meetings. 582 00:25:17,320 --> 00:25:20,160 Like, I come here so that I can get energized with my life. 583 00:25:20,240 --> 00:25:20,360 Really about that. 584 00:25:20,360 --> 00:25:20,500 So I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like. 585 00:25:20,520 --> 00:25:22,060 I'm out there in the real world, you know. 586 00:25:22,320 --> 00:25:24,940 And I apply the principles in my life, you know. 587 00:25:25,380 --> 00:25:28,680 I recently started dating again, which, you know, it's so hard. 588 00:25:28,900 --> 00:25:30,440 Even though the character games have come out. 589 00:25:30,720 --> 00:25:34,240 But the good thing is, it's like, now when you see the red flags, it's like, oh, wait. 590 00:25:35,000 --> 00:25:36,380 Now it's been a few years. 591 00:25:36,600 --> 00:25:37,600 Like, I mean, it's been a while. 592 00:25:37,820 --> 00:25:38,340 You know what I mean? 593 00:25:38,520 --> 00:25:39,960 And it's still not fun, though. 594 00:25:40,080 --> 00:25:44,380 But I know that short-term pain will often have my benefits long-term. 595 00:25:44,560 --> 00:25:47,360 You know, that's why, like, I went to a people's work today. 596 00:25:47,360 --> 00:25:50,400 You know, like. 597 00:25:50,520 --> 00:26:04,760 I love being sober. 598 00:26:04,880 --> 00:26:06,280 I love how good I feel. 599 00:26:06,460 --> 00:26:07,840 I think that's the best way to say it. 600 00:26:07,920 --> 00:26:09,000 You know, that's because I'm in the middle. 601 00:26:09,200 --> 00:26:10,940 I'm in the middle of a new life. 602 00:26:11,100 --> 00:26:11,600 I'm in the middle of a new thing. 603 00:26:12,020 --> 00:26:13,200 I want to do it my own way.