1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:06,260 Hi, my name is Terimarie. I am an alcoholic. Hi, Terimarie. 2 00:00:06,260 --> 00:00:12,520 Hi, thanks for having me out. Thank you, Oscar for asking me. Thanks. I'm grateful 3 00:00:12,520 --> 00:00:16,160 that you were in that meeting that I was in in January. It was like the first Tuesday 4 00:00:16,160 --> 00:00:23,400 of the new year. I showed up double fisted. I'm in the right place. And it's um, that 5 00:00:23,400 --> 00:00:27,480 was the first meeting I walked in first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. I walked into 20 6 00:00:27,480 --> 00:00:32,740 20 years ago. So it was a really special place to meet you. Thank you for having me out. And it's 7 00:00:32,740 --> 00:00:38,280 really nice to see a lot of familiar faces. I kind of got confused because I thought I'd been 8 00:00:38,280 --> 00:00:45,880 here before. But you guys, I thought I was at Life's In Session. Okay. And this is an adorable 9 00:00:45,880 --> 00:00:53,600 little hall. Thank you. It's very sweet. I don't know all the details of how it spun off, 10 00:00:53,600 --> 00:00:58,420 but I'm glad you did. I don't know. That's principles before personalities, which is nice. 11 00:00:59,060 --> 00:01:05,300 I was freezing when I got here. And now I get up here. And Luann, right? Luann asked me, 12 00:01:05,340 --> 00:01:10,560 are you nervous? And I'm like, I'm not really nervous. I just don't like to be treated special. 13 00:01:10,920 --> 00:01:15,980 I know. I don't like to be different. You know, when I showed up, you guys had a parking space 14 00:01:15,980 --> 00:01:20,440 for me. I'd rather just park, you know. And I only tell you that because when I got to you, 15 00:01:20,900 --> 00:01:23,440 my sobriety date is April 20th, 1990. 16 00:01:23,600 --> 00:01:28,660 1998. When I got to you, that was very different. You know, I thought God created me 17 00:01:28,660 --> 00:01:36,700 for all of you to enjoy. I really thought that I was God's, you know, that expression. 18 00:01:37,540 --> 00:01:43,400 God's, you know, I was, you know, a gift here. But that has been smashed here. And I only tell 19 00:01:43,400 --> 00:01:48,740 you that it's none of my making. It's all Alcoholics Anonymous. It's doing these things 20 00:01:48,740 --> 00:01:53,460 that I don't want to do, but I do them anyway. It's not my, some people really enjoy speaking, 21 00:01:53,600 --> 00:02:00,500 I don't enjoy it, but I know it's necessary. You know, it's a gift. God gave me the gift of 22 00:02:00,500 --> 00:02:06,600 sobriety. And I really think it's the gift back. My sobriety is the gift back. I give back to God 23 00:02:06,600 --> 00:02:13,320 because he's working. He's using me as an example to show somebody. My job up here today is to give 24 00:02:13,320 --> 00:02:18,140 somebody some new hope. You know, when I walked into an Alcoholics Anonymous, there was a woman 25 00:02:18,140 --> 00:02:23,300 named Sharon, and I was 90 days sober, not drinking, and I could not believe. 26 00:02:23,600 --> 00:02:27,360 I was so hopeless when I got to you. And I couldn't believe there was a woman up here 27 00:02:27,360 --> 00:02:32,040 dressed nicely and talking and sharing her experience, strength, and hope. And I couldn't 28 00:02:32,040 --> 00:02:36,160 believe where she had been and what has become of her, you know, and that gave me the hope, 29 00:02:36,380 --> 00:02:41,020 you know, and that's my job up here is just to give, you know, somebody some, and to the person 30 00:02:41,020 --> 00:02:45,960 who's still suffering. You know, there are people who, I was talking to Manny, you know, I, Manny 31 00:02:45,960 --> 00:02:51,220 and I got sober in the same group. Lisa, nice to see you. You know, I forget. I've been around for 32 00:02:51,220 --> 00:02:53,360 a little while. I still feel like a newcomer. 33 00:02:53,600 --> 00:02:58,320 I really do. I'm around people who are 50, 60 years sober, and I really feel like a newcomer, 34 00:02:58,360 --> 00:03:03,820 which is good. I always hope I remain humble. I tell you my sobriety date because that is my 35 00:03:03,820 --> 00:03:11,100 first sobriety date, and I pray it's my last. I am not a part-time AA member. I am a full-time 36 00:03:11,100 --> 00:03:16,380 member of Alcoholics Anonymous. I have never taken time off. I have done every single thing 37 00:03:16,380 --> 00:03:23,280 that is asked of me, not always willingly, but I've done it in Alcoholics Anonymous. Yes. Thank 38 00:03:23,280 --> 00:03:23,580 you to the people who have supported me. I'm a part-time AA member. I am a full-time member of 39 00:03:23,580 --> 00:03:23,600 Alcoholics Anonymous. I am a part-time AA member. I am a full-time AA member. I am a full-time AA member. 40 00:03:23,600 --> 00:03:23,740 I am a part-time AA member. I am a full-time AA member. I am a full-time AA member. I am a full-time AA member. 41 00:03:23,740 --> 00:03:29,780 two 10-minute speakers, Bridget and John C. Yeah, that's a big deal. You know, and when I hear 42 00:03:29,780 --> 00:03:35,860 you guys, it makes me, you know, it teaches me that I forget to remember. I forget to remember 43 00:03:35,860 --> 00:03:40,980 because my life is so good. I forget to remember how bad it was. And I only got it like a quick 44 00:03:40,980 --> 00:03:45,640 half hour to tell you what it was used to be like, what happened, what I'm trying to be like today. 45 00:03:45,640 --> 00:03:52,400 I do have a home group it's the Serenity Gals in Thousand Oaks I've been there for 13 years 46 00:03:52,400 --> 00:03:59,560 and then the first first six years of my sobriety was on the west side Pacific Group and Bellflower 47 00:03:59,560 --> 00:04:04,400 it was a committed meeting I always have commitments at all my meetings it just it's 48 00:04:04,400 --> 00:04:09,460 how I'm trained I even said to Scott tonight thank you thank God I'm trained and I don't debate 49 00:04:09,460 --> 00:04:15,240 because I wanted to stay home tonight well I know it was cold I wanted to stay home I've been you 50 00:04:15,240 --> 00:04:19,740 know I'm a manager of my son's soccer team I was out playing soccer all day with them and 51 00:04:19,740 --> 00:04:25,180 I went you know I was the valley twice today but I just I'm from Simi Valley I live in Simi Valley 52 00:04:25,180 --> 00:04:30,280 I've been there for 20 years same address same phone number I know that that's shocking I only 53 00:04:30,280 --> 00:04:35,880 tell you because it's shocking to me because I can never stay put I was born and raised in 54 00:04:35,880 --> 00:04:41,500 Middletown New York back east I spent half my life there and now I spent half my life out here 55 00:04:41,620 --> 00:04:45,060 my first drink I met a Deanna here tonight and my 56 00:04:45,060 --> 00:04:45,100 first drink I met a Deanna here tonight and my first drink I met a Deanna here tonight 57 00:04:45,100 --> 00:04:45,220 my first drink I met a Deanna here tonight and my first drink I met a Deanna here tonight 58 00:04:45,220 --> 00:04:51,280 strength with my best friend from first grade. I was nine years old. And I remember it like it was 59 00:04:51,280 --> 00:04:57,820 yesterday. It was in the east, we have rec rooms downstairs and they have shaggy rugs. And her 60 00:04:57,820 --> 00:05:05,980 parents, they were big, big, you use the word partiers, you know, that's an older, but they 61 00:05:05,980 --> 00:05:09,800 were entertainers. They had a business, they like to entertain. They came from a big, I call them 62 00:05:09,800 --> 00:05:16,040 the Brady Bunch family. They had some three girls, three boys, big family. And they just were 63 00:05:16,040 --> 00:05:20,880 really happy. You know, I came in and it was the Brady Bunch family. So when we went there, 64 00:05:21,060 --> 00:05:26,680 the bar was downstairs, and it was those mirrored bars. And my house was the complete opposite. My 65 00:05:26,680 --> 00:05:33,580 mom is Puerto Rican. And my dad is Irish. Well, actually, very American Irish. And 66 00:05:33,580 --> 00:05:39,780 not a good mix. If you're any if you're familiar with Latins, they do have 67 00:05:39,800 --> 00:05:48,440 a they do have a temper. Yeah. And and my mama. I'm not judging. I'm just giving you the 68 00:05:48,440 --> 00:05:53,980 information. My mama, her name is Carmen. You know, she's from that she came to she came to 69 00:05:53,980 --> 00:05:58,120 New York when she was four. She comes from her family, there was 11 brothers and sisters. 70 00:05:58,880 --> 00:06:04,140 And it just was my dad really liked to drink. He was a bartender at night and my mom, 71 00:06:04,520 --> 00:06:09,700 she liked to fight. So you know, it was a really when he would come home drunk. It was just it 72 00:06:10,020 --> 00:06:15,260 my friend Deanna's house. It was safe there. Everyone was having fun. So that night, I said, 73 00:06:15,340 --> 00:06:20,920 I'm staying at Deanna's house. I went downstairs into the bar and her brother and my older brother, 74 00:06:21,020 --> 00:06:25,580 Mickey and John were friends. And they go, What do you want to drink? Now? I don't know. I'm sure 75 00:06:25,580 --> 00:06:30,500 some of you guys have kids. And when I tell this story, when my son was nine, I go, I just can't 76 00:06:30,500 --> 00:06:36,120 imagine picking up a drink at nine years old. But I remember he poured a Seagram seven and a ginger 77 00:06:36,120 --> 00:06:40,000 ale. And I just knocked it, you know, and I don't know, people get up here and I wish I 78 00:06:40,020 --> 00:06:45,780 could be so elegant, eloquent. They're like, my fingers, you know, nothing really what happened 79 00:06:45,780 --> 00:06:52,020 for me is just, I just knew that I wanted to do it again. I just, it kind of settled that like, 80 00:06:52,020 --> 00:06:57,800 you know, like, it's okay. You know, my dad screaming and beating my mom is okay, or just 81 00:06:57,800 --> 00:07:03,180 not having what Deanna had. She had a loving, you know, her father's name was Cy and the mother was 82 00:07:03,180 --> 00:07:07,880 Marilyn. They loved each other. They kissed each other. You know, they were, they were women and 83 00:07:07,880 --> 00:07:10,000 they were men. And I just 84 00:07:10,020 --> 00:07:14,180 didn't have that. So when I had that, I had two of those drinks, I got a little tipsy. I didn't 85 00:07:14,180 --> 00:07:19,180 become a daily drinker, you know, but I just knew it was fun. And it gave me that ease and comfort 86 00:07:19,180 --> 00:07:25,460 that I just needed. I needed, you know, and I did that. I was, I was one of those children that you 87 00:07:25,460 --> 00:07:30,440 could be, it says it in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous, that dual, you can maintain a certain 88 00:07:30,440 --> 00:07:36,160 image, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, right? And that's how I was. I was a really good student. I was a 89 00:07:36,160 --> 00:07:39,900 really good athlete. I was voted, you know, I was on every single, 90 00:07:40,020 --> 00:07:46,000 you know, in high school, president of this, president of that. And I just maintained a really 91 00:07:46,000 --> 00:07:51,880 good image on the outside. And I was well liked. I was really, and I was, I was good natured kid. I 92 00:07:51,880 --> 00:07:56,220 was brought up Catholic. That's a whole nother story. We talked about that in my book study last 93 00:07:56,220 --> 00:08:02,120 night about God. And I was, you know, I was baptized. I made my confirmation and I was taught 94 00:08:02,120 --> 00:08:08,120 really good things about God. You know, I had some sort of, I mean, Johnny says it, my son's 95 00:08:08,120 --> 00:08:10,000 namesake. Deep down in every child's life, I was a good kid. I was a good kid. I was a good kid. I 96 00:08:10,020 --> 00:08:15,200 was a good child. There's the fundamental idea of God, you know, and I did have that fundamental 97 00:08:15,200 --> 00:08:21,720 idea of God. But I lost him somewhere, you know, and I was brought up like that. And I didn't become 98 00:08:21,720 --> 00:08:27,240 an everyday drinker. I graduated from that high school in my hometown. I went off to college. 99 00:08:27,440 --> 00:08:33,280 I didn't have any direction. You know, my mom, again, you know, a dad who beat up his mom. It's 100 00:08:33,280 --> 00:08:37,460 not, they weren't planning my college or they weren't planning my future. So I went off to 101 00:08:37,460 --> 00:08:40,000 college. I went to college in Boston. And I was a good kid. I was a good kid. I was a good kid. I 102 00:08:40,020 --> 00:08:46,540 did drink. I did drink there. And I seemed to choose a school that was dry. You weren't, it was an 103 00:08:46,540 --> 00:08:51,140 all women's private school, and you couldn't drink alcohol. Now, I don't know if that was, you know, 104 00:08:51,160 --> 00:08:56,820 I was 18 years old. I can't remember if that was subconscious or starting to control and enjoy my 105 00:08:56,820 --> 00:09:02,660 drinking. But all I knew in the back of my head is that maybe it'll get better. You know, maybe 106 00:09:02,660 --> 00:09:09,220 just it'll get better. I don't know what it is. But off to school, I went and my parents dropped 107 00:09:10,020 --> 00:09:15,440 me off. And it was fun, because then the freedom started. I wasn't at home. I had that freedom to 108 00:09:15,440 --> 00:09:20,260 do whatever I wanted. And that was fun. And drinking was fun. I would still drink today. 109 00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:24,820 I look at people sometimes with their martinis, you know, and especially women, 110 00:09:24,900 --> 00:09:30,180 elegant, who could just control and enjoy their drinking, control and enjoy their drinking. 111 00:09:30,900 --> 00:09:36,360 And I'm grateful. I'm grateful I get up here. And I'm grateful that, you know, Kathy, thank you. 112 00:09:36,360 --> 00:09:39,180 She was welcoming me. I'm like, Hi, she's like, 113 00:09:40,020 --> 00:09:45,300 to park. And then where's Angie? She's there she is. And she's like, trying to give me the I'm 114 00:09:45,300 --> 00:09:49,900 trying to be like incognito. I don't want to park in the speakers. And she's like, this is your 115 00:09:49,900 --> 00:09:56,840 parking space. I'm like, Okay. And then I meet Kathy. And, and it just makes me feel right at 116 00:09:56,840 --> 00:10:01,480 home. You know, I don't want to be treated special. And you know, she's telling me, you know, 117 00:10:01,480 --> 00:10:06,180 like, I relapsed. And I'm like, you know, that's what we do here. We drink, we relapse. And the 118 00:10:06,180 --> 00:10:10,000 first thing I said to her is, I need to hear it is that you're not dead. You know what I mean? 119 00:10:10,020 --> 00:10:15,700 Just because I have 20 years that doesn't make I'm not immune, you know, to alcohol, and I have to, 120 00:10:15,700 --> 00:10:20,580 you know, our book says it, um, you know, I like the effects produced by alcohol, 121 00:10:20,580 --> 00:10:26,740 but nothing will ensure my immunity than intense work with other alcoholics, you know, so I never 122 00:10:26,740 --> 00:10:31,940 want to think I'm up here or down here. I'm always equal. And as soon as I see you guys, you were so 123 00:10:31,940 --> 00:10:39,220 welcoming, right away, so friendly. So and, and it's funny, I put that together that the quality 124 00:10:39,220 --> 00:10:40,000 of life and life is not the same. And I'm like, I don't want to be treated special. And I'm like, 125 00:10:40,000 --> 00:10:40,560 I don't want to be treated special. And I'm like, I don't want to be treated special. Life's in session. 126 00:10:45,680 --> 00:10:49,360 And Robin right away, Robin, I just feel at home with you guys. And, 127 00:10:50,480 --> 00:10:56,000 and I never felt that where I never felt that way anywhere when I got to you, you know, and that is 128 00:10:56,000 --> 00:11:02,960 also why I drank, you know, is, is to to fit in, you know, for that ease and comfort. I see women, 129 00:11:02,960 --> 00:11:08,960 you know, drinking with the immunity, you know, they can drink. And when I went off to that school, 130 00:11:08,960 --> 00:11:09,680 it was fun. 131 00:11:09,680 --> 00:11:15,600 You know, I graduated, and then I then I got a job in Boston. And it was fun. It's a great city, 132 00:11:15,600 --> 00:11:20,480 you know, when you're young, a young woman to thrive in, I am I got a job there. And I lived 133 00:11:20,480 --> 00:11:27,200 there for six years. And when I got to I remember I was speaking at Bellflower, and I realized that 134 00:11:27,200 --> 00:11:33,680 I never got it out here, you call it DUI. Back East, we call it DWI. And I was speaking, it was 135 00:11:33,680 --> 00:11:38,000 hysterical. I was like, maybe I don't couple years. So but I just realized that I never got, 136 00:11:38,000 --> 00:11:43,920 you know, any of that. And when I got to I never had a car, I did all my drinking, you know, I did 137 00:11:43,920 --> 00:11:48,640 all most of my drinking in Boston, I would drink and walk. I lived right downtown, you know, and 138 00:11:48,640 --> 00:11:53,840 like New York City, you have the tea, I took the tea everywhere. And I walked everywhere. You know, 139 00:11:53,840 --> 00:12:00,720 but when I got to you, it was explained to me. I know, I don't know when I crossed that line. Some 140 00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:06,320 people do. Some people know vividly when they cross that line. I don't know, I enjoyed my drinking. I 141 00:12:06,320 --> 00:12:13,120 had a bunch of fun in Boston, I became a fitness professional, I started teaching aerobics back in 142 00:12:13,120 --> 00:12:19,680 the 80s, when step aerobics came out, the leg warmers and the woo, and I found that I could, 143 00:12:19,680 --> 00:12:24,960 I could quit my day job, teach a couple classes here, and make a lot of money, 144 00:12:24,960 --> 00:12:30,880 right, right, and only work for a couple hours. And that was kind of, you know, I'm 23 now, 23, 145 00:12:30,880 --> 00:12:36,240 24, 25. And that was like, wow, I'd rather work for two hours instead of nine hours. 146 00:12:36,320 --> 00:12:42,160 Who wants to give an honest day of work, you know? And so, that's what I started doing. 147 00:12:42,160 --> 00:12:46,720 So, here I am physically fit. I've always been an athlete. I really, I was physically fit. I had 148 00:12:46,720 --> 00:12:53,680 like 15% body fat. And I was teaching four or five classes a day. And then I started to question, 149 00:12:53,680 --> 00:12:58,480 but I would do that. And then I'd go out and drink, especially happy hours in Boston, downtown, 150 00:12:58,480 --> 00:13:04,800 six to eight happy hours on the wharf. Oh, the drinks were so good. And so cheap. And that was 151 00:13:04,800 --> 00:13:06,240 my MO. How could I be so happy? How could I be so happy? How could I be so happy? How could I be so 152 00:13:06,240 --> 00:13:13,040 physically healthy and be an alcoholic? You know, and I did that for a while. And then I started to 153 00:13:13,040 --> 00:13:19,120 notice I was waking up like today, even though I was tired in the morning, I was driving and one of 154 00:13:19,120 --> 00:13:23,840 my, one of the women I sponsored was calling me and said, Teri Marie, she's trying to get this 155 00:13:23,840 --> 00:13:28,800 girl, Claire, sober, and she just can't stop drinking. You know, it's been like 10 days. 156 00:13:29,440 --> 00:13:33,120 And it comes to mind, like, you know, you know how sometimes you don't want to pick up the call. 157 00:13:33,760 --> 00:13:36,160 And I'm taught, you know, God bless us with, 158 00:13:36,160 --> 00:13:40,960 with all this, these cell phones, you know, and it's tempting to screen your calls, 159 00:13:40,960 --> 00:13:45,520 but I tell all my girls, I can't, we don't screen calls. I just pick up and Shelly's like, 160 00:13:45,520 --> 00:13:50,400 Teri Marie, she can't stop drinking. She can't stop drinking, you know? And I just tell her, 161 00:13:50,400 --> 00:13:56,720 Shelly, you know, it's not for us to get them sober. You know, it's, it's for us. What, 162 00:13:56,720 --> 00:14:02,320 what do we get out of this? And what I got out of it is thank God that is not us. Thank God I'm 163 00:14:02,320 --> 00:14:06,080 driving my son to a soccer game and I'm not hung over. I'm a little tired. I'm a little, 164 00:14:06,160 --> 00:14:11,520 irritable, irritable. Our book says it. I wake up irritable, restless and discontented, 165 00:14:11,520 --> 00:14:16,240 you know, not all the time, but that's how I was today. And, you know, thank God I can be 166 00:14:16,240 --> 00:14:20,160 transparent with you guys. And that's how I was. And I told, you know, she said, Shelly, 167 00:14:20,160 --> 00:14:24,560 just, just be grateful, you know, and I get to turn it around and just, I'm grateful that I'm 168 00:14:24,560 --> 00:14:30,880 not hung over. I'm tired, but I'm not hung over, you know, and, um, it's been this April 20th, 169 00:14:30,880 --> 00:14:35,920 it'll be 21 years. And I forget to remember how bad, you know, but here's poor Claire. She's a 170 00:14:35,920 --> 00:14:41,360 lovely gal. I met her plenty of times. She can't get sober, you know? So again, I'm driving and I 171 00:14:41,360 --> 00:14:48,150 just go, wow, thank you God. So I'm 26 now. And now I'm starting to drink every weekend, 172 00:14:48,150 --> 00:14:52,230 Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, you know, and then Monday comes and I'm like, 173 00:14:52,950 --> 00:14:57,510 it's harder to go to work. It's harder to teach those classes. It's harder to put on the, 174 00:14:57,510 --> 00:15:02,550 you know, and keep it all together. And, um, this woman, she, uh, she asked me, 175 00:15:02,550 --> 00:15:06,070 how would you like to go over and train the desert storm troops? She put, 176 00:15:06,150 --> 00:15:12,230 put together, I think there was 20 of us. It was an honor. There was thousands of people 177 00:15:12,230 --> 00:15:17,430 interviewed for this. And, um, she said, how would you like to go over and train our desert storm? 178 00:15:17,430 --> 00:15:22,630 This was in 1990. There was a ship put over there, the Cunard cruise ship. It was to be on a cruise 179 00:15:22,630 --> 00:15:28,150 ship, go over there and, um, teach our troops. They would come on board just for a little, um, 180 00:15:28,150 --> 00:15:33,190 R and R come out of the desert. And, um, she said, how would you like to go over there for four, 181 00:15:33,190 --> 00:15:35,670 four months, a four month contract? And, um, 182 00:15:36,150 --> 00:15:40,790 everything paid. And now this is in Bahrain. I don't know if you've ever, it's the middle East. 183 00:15:40,790 --> 00:15:45,510 I've never been there. And I just say, now at this point, I'm starting to drink a little more 184 00:15:45,510 --> 00:15:50,390 than usual. I'm starting to wake up hungover. I'm starting to have blackouts. Now I know that 185 00:15:50,390 --> 00:15:56,070 they're blackouts, even though I didn't drive, I would walk home and I, I would wake up in my 186 00:15:56,070 --> 00:16:00,550 apartment, not, not remembering how I got there. And everyone thought it was cute. You know, 187 00:16:00,550 --> 00:16:05,670 people would call me and say, you were so funny last night. And they would rehash the whole night. 188 00:16:05,670 --> 00:16:10,870 And I would just, I'd be like, wow, you know, and that caught my attention. That scared me. I was 189 00:16:10,870 --> 00:16:16,550 like, Hmm, I don't, I don't remember that. I don't remember that. Do remember waking up on my floor, 190 00:16:16,550 --> 00:16:21,590 you know, in my bedroom and I looked down and all my clothes were on and you know, that scares me 191 00:16:21,590 --> 00:16:27,030 now. I I'm lucky. I'm one of those, you know, God's grace. I was never raped, you know, never 192 00:16:27,030 --> 00:16:35,270 beat. I'm very lucky, Kathy. I don't take that for granted because I hear a lot of stories. Um, so I 193 00:16:35,270 --> 00:16:40,870 was a little lost. And when she gave me the dollar amount and she said, everything will be paid for. 194 00:16:40,870 --> 00:16:45,350 I'm 26. I'm not in a relationship. I'm in many relationships, actually. 195 00:16:47,990 --> 00:16:53,110 I got to give out those. The facts quickly is that I can never be in a monogamous relationship. 196 00:16:53,110 --> 00:16:59,830 These men thought they were my boyfriend, but I just couldn't hold a sincere, deep relationship. 197 00:16:59,830 --> 00:17:05,190 And, um, sh this was June of 1990. I don't know if you've ever been to the 198 00:17:05,190 --> 00:17:10,550 middle East. That is the hottest time to go there. And I said, yes. And before I knew it, 199 00:17:10,550 --> 00:17:14,390 I had a passport, everything in my hand and I was shipped off to the middle East. 200 00:17:15,030 --> 00:17:19,670 And it was really fun. I was with one of my best friends, you know, where it's fun. It's a party. 201 00:17:19,670 --> 00:17:23,190 If you've been on a cruise ship, I don't know if you've ever been on a cruise ship and that's what 202 00:17:23,190 --> 00:17:28,470 it was. It was docked. It was there in the, um, Navy base, but it was a full on, you know, 203 00:17:28,470 --> 00:17:34,710 cruise ship drinks. And here's what I love to tell people. My sister loves it. Is that. 204 00:17:35,190 --> 00:17:41,190 All my room and board was free, but drink all the alcohol I wanted was free. 205 00:17:42,470 --> 00:17:49,590 I even kind of, my mouth kind of gets a little, um, free. I love free. I don't want to work for 206 00:17:49,590 --> 00:17:54,470 it. Just give it to me. And, and I didn't know it. I didn't know it, you know, I'm 26. I'm not, 207 00:17:54,470 --> 00:17:59,350 um, I'm not equipped with these facts in here. I didn't know I was enjoying and controlling my 208 00:17:59,350 --> 00:18:04,230 drinking. You know, our book says it, I love this manuscript. Um, I had no idea. And then all of a 209 00:18:04,230 --> 00:18:05,030 sudden I'm over there. I'm like, I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. I'm 210 00:18:05,030 --> 00:18:09,270 going to do this. You know, and, um, and I gotta tell you, this is like the dream job for somebody 211 00:18:09,270 --> 00:18:14,390 who doesn't want to work, make a lot of money, eat for free. It's like being on a cruise ship. 212 00:18:14,390 --> 00:18:19,910 You're just having fun. I just had it work like a couple hours a day. And all of a sudden it's 110 213 00:18:19,910 --> 00:18:27,670 degrees over there. It's 90% humidity. And, um, I know, and I'm drinking a lot because it's free. 214 00:18:27,670 --> 00:18:33,830 And, uh, one morning I was over there like two months and one morning, um, I got scared. I woke 215 00:18:33,830 --> 00:18:35,010 up and I could not move. I couldn't move. I couldn't move. I couldn't move. I couldn't move. I couldn't 216 00:18:35,010 --> 00:18:40,950 move in the side, my whole left side. I was like bullied over and I'm like, what's going on? I 217 00:18:40,950 --> 00:18:47,050 thought I was having a, what is it when your appendix erupts? Appendicitis, right? That's 218 00:18:47,050 --> 00:18:52,450 what I thought was happening. I'm like, oh no, I'm in the Middle East. So I go down to the ship doctor 219 00:18:52,450 --> 00:18:57,150 and he takes a couple of tests and he comes in and he goes, do you drink a lot? And I go, drink what? 220 00:18:59,230 --> 00:19:03,530 Gotta maintain that image. Now people are starting to ask me that. How much do you drink? 221 00:19:03,530 --> 00:19:08,270 And I, he goes, I go, I have, you know, I drink some wine. Last night I had a couple, you know, 222 00:19:08,330 --> 00:19:13,570 a couple of glasses of wine. I don't even know how many bottles of wine I have. Cause on cruise 223 00:19:13,570 --> 00:19:18,770 ships too, if you work there, you get treated, you get to go up to the, uh, the officer's lounge 224 00:19:18,770 --> 00:19:23,750 and that's where they really drink. You get up there and I didn't know how much I drank. That's 225 00:19:23,750 --> 00:19:28,110 not honest. And now, now I can't be honest. You know, now I'm starting to tell people what, 226 00:19:28,270 --> 00:19:32,670 what they, what I think they want to hear. And I said, um, not really, you know, I'm one of the 227 00:19:32,670 --> 00:19:36,930 fitness, see sports here. I'm really healthy. I don't drink that much. He goes, are you drinking 228 00:19:36,930 --> 00:19:42,030 a lot of water? I said, yeah, I drink a lot of water. And he said, because you're really dehydrated 229 00:19:42,030 --> 00:19:46,430 because you're not having a pet, you're really dehydrated. So he had to put me on these fluids 230 00:19:46,430 --> 00:19:51,050 and I had to stay there for like eight hours, just lay down. And, um, you think that would 231 00:19:51,050 --> 00:19:57,470 have caught my attention, but no, you know, that night there I go back out, you know, and it just 232 00:19:57,470 --> 00:20:02,070 went like that. And then I finally got back to Boston and this is when they say, um, you're 233 00:20:02,670 --> 00:20:07,110 a, you know, I'm starting to get restless and irritable and discontented. I don't know. Like I 234 00:20:07,110 --> 00:20:12,310 told you a little bit about my background, even though, you know, my, it was a dysfunctional 235 00:20:12,310 --> 00:20:17,850 family. I still grew up with loving. I was voted in my school, the most congenial. I had a lot of 236 00:20:17,850 --> 00:20:25,820 friends growing up. I was well loved and I felt that, but, um, I was starting to feel not comfortable 237 00:20:25,820 --> 00:20:31,240 on my own skin. Like what's wrong with me? You know? And I started to feel really lonely. All 238 00:20:31,240 --> 00:20:32,680 these people are around me or love it. 239 00:20:32,700 --> 00:20:37,720 But I started to feel really like what's going on. I started to feel lost and here I go. You know, 240 00:20:37,720 --> 00:20:43,500 I got it all put together. I got a good career. You know, I was, I was very well known in Boston 241 00:20:43,500 --> 00:20:49,220 for what I did. And then, um, on that cruise ship, I met a guy in the band, Tyler, and he says, 242 00:20:49,300 --> 00:20:53,440 why don't you move up to Canada? Tyler, he was in the, he was in the band sister moon. 243 00:20:53,880 --> 00:21:02,480 Now, Tyler, I think was 21 at the time. I think I was 26. Um, and I got back to Boston and I just 244 00:21:02,700 --> 00:21:08,760 said, you know, why not? Now I'm American. I'm not, I'm not Canadian. And I went back and then I just 245 00:21:08,760 --> 00:21:15,180 moved all my stuff into storage and I moved up to Canada, not thinking, not sitting and go, you know, 246 00:21:15,400 --> 00:21:21,100 like normal people do. You're 26, you plot it out, put all my stuff in storage. And I did that. And 247 00:21:21,100 --> 00:21:27,740 when I got up there, um, I started to do pretty shady stuff. I'm taking money. Not, I'm not living. 248 00:21:27,740 --> 00:21:32,580 I'm not claiming my earnings. You know, I'm up there. I'm working for a health club because of 249 00:21:32,580 --> 00:21:37,200 my reputation, but I'm not there. I'm not there legally. I think about it now, you know, I'm not 250 00:21:37,200 --> 00:21:42,120 there legally. Um, I'm taking money. And that's when the drinking got bad. You know, that's when 251 00:21:42,120 --> 00:21:47,620 I really started to have blackouts and, um, and that incomprehensible demoralization that they 252 00:21:47,620 --> 00:21:52,360 talk about, you know, they talk about it in chapter three, I believe we read it all the time. 253 00:21:52,360 --> 00:21:57,040 And I started to identify that I started doing things that, 254 00:21:57,740 --> 00:22:02,000 you know, I wouldn't share with my daughter today. And my daughter's 14 years old, 255 00:22:02,120 --> 00:22:09,200 you know, and I look at her and the things that I was doing at 14 is unbelievable, you know, but, 256 00:22:09,320 --> 00:22:16,040 um, that's what I started to do, you know, lying, sleeping around. It just, it wasn't me. Yeah. 257 00:22:16,040 --> 00:22:23,640 No, not. And, um, that's the hard thing for me to compare is to remember how bad it was. 258 00:22:24,020 --> 00:22:27,500 And this one man, um, my dad, now my dad, 259 00:22:27,740 --> 00:22:32,580 called me and said, now, now, now I'm not really talking to my family. My family's calling me, 260 00:22:32,640 --> 00:22:36,200 my mom's calling me, my dad's calling me. And I'm starting to say, they're like, how are you? 261 00:22:36,240 --> 00:22:41,180 And my response to them is I'm tired. I remember my mom would call me. And even if I would pick 262 00:22:41,180 --> 00:22:46,280 up the phone, usually I wouldn't pick it up or not call them back. I'd be like, I'm tired. And 263 00:22:46,280 --> 00:22:52,160 she goes, Terry Marie, you've been saying I'm tired for like two years now. What is wrong with 264 00:22:52,160 --> 00:22:56,840 you? You know, what is wrong with you? And I'm the only girl, I have two brothers and older to younger. 265 00:22:56,840 --> 00:23:03,620 And, and my mom were really close and my dad too. And when I heard it, what is wrong with you? What 266 00:23:03,620 --> 00:23:08,420 is wrong with you? And he, she said, well, your dad's going out to visit your brother in California. 267 00:23:08,420 --> 00:23:14,600 Why don't you fly out there with him and go visit your brother? And so I just did, I was out of 268 00:23:14,600 --> 00:23:20,360 options. Um, I was really also feeling that hope, that hopelessness. I, I didn't know what that was 269 00:23:20,360 --> 00:23:25,760 about, that hopelessness. What's, you know, I always wanted to grow up and I always wanted to, 270 00:23:25,760 --> 00:23:26,820 you know, live a good, good life. Um, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, 271 00:23:26,820 --> 00:23:32,400 good life, get married, have kids. That was my fairy tale. You know, other people want, I always 272 00:23:32,400 --> 00:23:37,800 wanted to do that. And I just kept seeming to get farther and farther away from that. So now I'm 273 00:23:37,800 --> 00:23:44,280 living in Canada, London, Ontario. I fly out to visit my dad and my brother, right. He, he came 274 00:23:44,280 --> 00:23:48,480 from New York. Now. My brother was working in Hollywood and it was winter and it was one of 275 00:23:48,480 --> 00:23:51,000 those beautiful Hollywood, you know, California days. 276 00:23:51,000 --> 00:23:56,700 I came out and I was just like, again, let me just do another, I've learned here. It's just another 277 00:23:56,700 --> 00:24:01,660 geographic to get away and went back to Canada. I packed everything up and I moved out to 278 00:24:01,660 --> 00:24:07,620 California and that was in 1993. And I have to tell you, when I was with my dad and my brother, 279 00:24:07,800 --> 00:24:12,420 I would sit in a room with them back when I came out to visit and I was so uncomfortable, 280 00:24:12,660 --> 00:24:17,180 so uncomfortable in my skin. I had nothing to say to my dad. I was so embarrassed because I was so 281 00:24:17,180 --> 00:24:24,300 tired of taking. Every conversation with my dad was, you know, can I have this? Dad, can you get 282 00:24:24,300 --> 00:24:29,300 me out of that? Dad, can you send more money? Can dad, dad, dad, dad? And finally he said, 283 00:24:29,300 --> 00:24:35,740 no more, you know, and I realized what I had become. I was just a taker, you know, and that 284 00:24:35,740 --> 00:24:40,800 was my moment of clarity when I was sitting with my dad and my brother and I could not have a 285 00:24:40,800 --> 00:24:50,310 conversation with them, you know. And my brother, I think this was, I was teaching aerobics out here 286 00:24:50,310 --> 00:24:54,630 for, I forgot the name, I think they folded. It was a club, a chain. 287 00:24:54,650 --> 00:24:58,790 And I was bringing home guys and I was living with my brother and he looked at me and my younger 288 00:24:58,790 --> 00:25:02,710 brother who always looked up to me and he said, you know what, Teri? He said, Teri Marie, he says, 289 00:25:02,830 --> 00:25:07,690 you got to go. You got to go. Because, you know, you can't be, you can't behave in like this. 290 00:25:08,150 --> 00:25:14,130 And he, he kicked me out. He said, you got to go. And that was like, I don't know, it was probably 291 00:25:14,130 --> 00:25:19,710 the most demoralizing, you know, realizing that you're putting your brother, you know, just, 292 00:25:19,710 --> 00:25:24,370 you know, you guys know how that feeling, that demoralizing, like you're putting other people 293 00:25:24,370 --> 00:25:24,630 in. 294 00:25:24,650 --> 00:25:30,590 In harm's way. And thank God, you know, people just said to me, I think there was this one guy, 295 00:25:30,690 --> 00:25:36,610 PJ, who again, he thought he was my boyfriend. And he, he said, you know, I think you might 296 00:25:36,610 --> 00:25:42,130 have a problem with alcohol. And I was like, I got really offended. I was like, really? You know, 297 00:25:42,150 --> 00:25:47,150 I thought I was a great drinker. And he said, there's a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous tomorrow 298 00:25:47,150 --> 00:25:53,430 in Studio City on Moore Park. And he said, I'd be happy to bring you. And I think now, 299 00:25:53,430 --> 00:25:54,530 now nobody's, 300 00:25:54,650 --> 00:25:58,450 nobody's calling me. I haven't talked to my family. I'm living in North Hollywood now, 301 00:25:59,090 --> 00:26:04,770 a roach infested apartment. I think it was, I couldn't even afford the rent. It might've been 302 00:26:04,770 --> 00:26:13,650 $300. You know, I had no, I had no registration on my car. I let my license lapse. I got fired. 303 00:26:13,770 --> 00:26:18,490 I had a great job at Warner Brothers. I was one of the top instructors, had it for four years. 304 00:26:18,890 --> 00:26:24,170 Again, this is what I'd always hear. Teri Marie, we love you, but I'm sorry. You can't, you know, 305 00:26:24,170 --> 00:26:24,370 you got to go. You got to go. You got to go. You got to go. You got to go. You got to go. You got to go. 306 00:26:24,370 --> 00:26:29,230 You got to show up. You got to show up. Everybody loves you, but you got to show up. I just couldn't 307 00:26:29,230 --> 00:26:34,890 show up. And losing that job too. I was like, oh, I love that job. I loved all my jobs. 308 00:26:36,090 --> 00:26:41,210 But that's what it was. I couldn't pay any of my bills. I'm living in a roach infested. It was, 309 00:26:41,290 --> 00:26:47,530 it was pretty lonely. Nobody's calling me. And PJ said to me, you know what? I love you very much. 310 00:26:47,690 --> 00:26:54,010 And a lot of people love you, but something's very wrong with you. And he says, there's a meeting, 311 00:26:54,010 --> 00:26:57,610 like a three o'clock meeting. I'll go with you. And he walked me there and I walked in 312 00:26:57,610 --> 00:27:03,570 and it was very small, very small. There was probably 10 people in the room. And I went in, 313 00:27:03,610 --> 00:27:09,210 I just sat down and I sat down and I just started crying, you know, and it was a good, it was just a, 314 00:27:09,370 --> 00:27:13,770 just like I could do in front of you, just cry, you know, and it was okay. And I felt safe. That's 315 00:27:13,770 --> 00:27:18,070 what I wanted to say tonight. I feel safe in here. You know, when you said your sponsor's Maggie, 316 00:27:18,170 --> 00:27:23,610 I'm like, that's my girl's name, Maggie. You know, I feel safe with you guys. And where else can you go 317 00:27:23,610 --> 00:27:28,890 anywhere in the world? And, you know, and feel that I've tried, I tried, you know, alcohol. I've 318 00:27:28,890 --> 00:27:35,030 tried everything, spending money, going to therapist. Nothing has worked for this alcoholic. 319 00:27:35,850 --> 00:27:40,390 You know, when I went in that room, I sat down and for the first time in my life, 320 00:27:40,770 --> 00:27:47,300 I got some ease and comfort. There was just, and you guys, thank God, Alcoholics Anonymous wants 321 00:27:47,300 --> 00:27:52,620 nothing from you. You just said, keep coming back. You gave me a chip that said, come back. 322 00:27:52,620 --> 00:28:00,200 And a couple of people put phone numbers in my purse. And I did that for, I only went to like 323 00:28:00,200 --> 00:28:05,400 that same meeting for probably three weeks or maybe even, I did it, no, yeah, once a week I 324 00:28:05,400 --> 00:28:10,940 went to that meeting. And now I'm 90 days sober. I stopped drinking, but I don't feel better. I'm 325 00:28:10,940 --> 00:28:15,740 like, what is wrong with me? You know, I stopped drinking. I thought, you know, hey, I stopped 326 00:28:15,740 --> 00:28:22,580 drinking. Aren't I supposed to feel better? And I didn't, you know, and that's, that scared me. 327 00:28:22,580 --> 00:28:27,020 That got my attention because I've never been the depressed, you know, the suicidal type, 328 00:28:27,180 --> 00:28:33,400 but I wanted to kill myself, wanted to kill myself. And I walked into this Tuesday meeting 329 00:28:33,400 --> 00:28:38,640 in Sherman Oaks, that Tuesday meeting, you met me at Oscar. And there were people in there, 330 00:28:38,880 --> 00:28:43,900 great examples of Alcoholics Anonymous laughing. You're doing what we do, doing what you do here. 331 00:28:44,060 --> 00:28:49,140 And a woman stuck her phone number in my purse. And I called that woman. Her name was Lori, 332 00:28:49,140 --> 00:28:52,500 Lori C. And I called her. I said, Lori, how come I'm 90 days 333 00:28:52,580 --> 00:28:57,120 sober? I stopped drinking and I want to die. I want to kill myself. Aren't I supposed to feel 334 00:28:57,120 --> 00:29:02,560 better? And she goes, honey, you're suffering from untreated alcoholism. She goes, you're 335 00:29:02,560 --> 00:29:07,140 suffering. And that's when I get up here. I always want to say, I'm grateful. I'm in a meeting of 336 00:29:07,140 --> 00:29:12,640 Alcoholics Anonymous. Who cares if I'm the speaker? You know, but I, I know this is my solution. 337 00:29:13,260 --> 00:29:18,820 This is my solution to one of the deadliest illnesses to mankind. You know, she goes, 338 00:29:18,820 --> 00:29:22,560 you're suffering. I'm like, what do you mean alcoholism? What is that? And she said, meet me, 339 00:29:22,580 --> 00:29:27,940 meet me at the diner before the Sunday meeting this Sunday. And I went there. I was, I was scared. 340 00:29:28,340 --> 00:29:33,000 I ran there that Sunday morning. She just sat across the table like we do. And she just told 341 00:29:33,000 --> 00:29:36,840 me what she used to be like, what happened and what she's trying to be like today. And I was 342 00:29:36,840 --> 00:29:41,700 like, wow. And I said, all right, this program just might work. And then she said, honey, 343 00:29:42,200 --> 00:29:47,840 I said, do you think you could be my sponsor? And she said, yes. And then she looks over the table. 344 00:29:47,840 --> 00:29:52,340 She wrote down all these things. She goes, all right. 345 00:29:52,580 --> 00:29:56,180 Here's the seven meetings you're going to go to. You're going to get seven commitments and you're 346 00:29:56,180 --> 00:29:59,560 going to call me every single morning. And you're going to tell me everything you're grateful for. 347 00:29:59,680 --> 00:30:05,040 And then you're going to call 10 other sober women. I know. And I just went, what? I'm busy. 348 00:30:05,220 --> 00:30:08,940 She said, you're busy doing what? I'm like, well, I got to teach a class here and there. 349 00:30:09,360 --> 00:30:15,240 And I was just like, that's a tall order. Really? I just went, that's a lot to do. But I was so 350 00:30:15,240 --> 00:30:21,280 scared. She goes, if you really want to get better. And she goes, I just trust me and have it. She 351 00:30:21,280 --> 00:30:27,460 goes, Teri, I go, what's all this God stuff? And what's all these, you know, she goes, I just want 352 00:30:27,460 --> 00:30:32,500 you to have an open mind and willingness. That's all you have to have here. And you have to take 353 00:30:32,500 --> 00:30:37,420 it a second at a time. Just a second. Don't try because that's what I do. Even today, I have to 354 00:30:37,420 --> 00:30:43,160 slow down. And that's what I did. Manny knows I did that. Did it for a whole year. I went to the 355 00:30:43,160 --> 00:30:47,700 same meetings, same commitments. And she made me move up over the hill. She made me move on to the 356 00:30:47,700 --> 00:30:50,480 west side and get really busy in my home group. And I did. 357 00:30:50,480 --> 00:30:57,340 And a year later, I couldn't believe it. There was 400 people at my watch singing me happy birthday. 358 00:30:57,720 --> 00:31:03,360 And when I got to you, nobody was singing anything to me. They were like, please don't come over. 359 00:31:03,840 --> 00:31:10,360 Am I okay on time? Yeah. How much more time? Oh, thank you. And I tell you that because, 360 00:31:10,660 --> 00:31:16,960 you know, I didn't have deep relationships when I got here. I couldn't put down that, you know, 361 00:31:16,960 --> 00:31:18,040 that image. 362 00:31:20,480 --> 00:31:26,400 John Harris, because my husband's sponsor, he's 58 years sober now. He says, you know, 363 00:31:26,460 --> 00:31:31,040 you got to drop that image. You keep carrying that image around here. You know, you're not 364 00:31:31,040 --> 00:31:36,660 going to stay sober. And today, that's hard. It's hard as, you know, even at 20 years of sobriety, 365 00:31:36,800 --> 00:31:41,140 our egos, I mean, our book, we're selfish and self-centered to the core. You know, 366 00:31:41,200 --> 00:31:45,440 we got to, you know, I got to get rid of that every morning. You know, God, take it. Please 367 00:31:45,440 --> 00:31:50,460 take it. And they say we have a spiritual experience here, right? And I got busy, 368 00:31:50,500 --> 00:31:56,340 Lori and I got busy. We went through the doctor's opinion. We laughed. I couldn't believe it. The 369 00:31:56,340 --> 00:32:02,520 doctor's opinion really describes the illness of alcoholism. When I read that, I realized I'm not 370 00:32:02,520 --> 00:32:08,140 a bad person. You know, I just suffer. I suffer from this, you know, illness. And then it's okay. 371 00:32:08,600 --> 00:32:13,220 I'm going to get, you know, if I keep doing this, I'm going to get better. And we did that. And I 372 00:32:13,220 --> 00:32:20,460 got busy. And okay, it's okay. And my spiritual awakening was sitting at that watch at 12 o'clock 373 00:32:20,480 --> 00:32:27,380 at night, 400 people, how unselfish of them to come on. It was the middle of the week. They have 374 00:32:27,380 --> 00:32:32,060 to work and sit around and help me celebrate sobriety. You know, I was just like, what a 375 00:32:32,060 --> 00:32:36,800 testament to Alcoholics Anonymous. And that was not me. It wasn't me like, they're all here to 376 00:32:36,800 --> 00:32:43,320 see me. That's what we do, you know, for each other. And I just was like, you know what? There's 377 00:32:43,320 --> 00:32:47,860 something here. You know, I'm going to stick around. You know, and I got that year and there 378 00:32:47,860 --> 00:32:50,380 was this gentleman that I met, my first 379 00:32:50,380 --> 00:32:55,340 night at my home group at then. My Lori told me, I want you to go to this meeting tomorrow night. 380 00:32:55,540 --> 00:33:00,160 It's at the synagogue in Brentwood. And I was going there. It was my first night there. I fell 381 00:33:00,160 --> 00:33:05,520 off the curb. And he kind of scooped me up. And he had on a tie. He looked really nice. I'm like, 382 00:33:05,680 --> 00:33:10,860 God, where am I? He's like, welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous. I'm like, and I said, okay. And I said, 383 00:33:10,920 --> 00:33:14,660 he goes, are you new? And I said, yeah. And he goes, all right. He goes, there's the line. And 384 00:33:14,660 --> 00:33:20,040 he kind of just shepherded me to get onto the line. There was lots of people. There was too many. 385 00:33:20,380 --> 00:33:25,940 And I wasn't comfortable. I was only four months sober. But he shoved me to the line. And when he 386 00:33:25,940 --> 00:33:30,640 got inside, he was asking his friends about me. And he was told she's only four months sober 387 00:33:30,640 --> 00:33:36,720 to leave her alone. And thank God that man had enough Alcoholics Anonymous and enough good men 388 00:33:36,720 --> 00:33:44,240 like you in the rooms to tell him, let her get sobriety. Leave her alone. And he did. 389 00:33:44,380 --> 00:33:49,760 He was 12 years sober at the time. He left me alone. And a year later, he called me and he 390 00:33:49,760 --> 00:33:50,360 asked me out. And I said, I'm going to go to the line. And he said, I'm going to go to the line. And 391 00:33:50,360 --> 00:33:56,600 I said, no. I only said no, because there was some confusion. And then my mom was out here 392 00:33:56,600 --> 00:34:01,400 visiting from New York. And it was Mother's Day. And I was still living on the west side in a 393 00:34:01,400 --> 00:34:07,140 little studio, which I paid for all by myself. And I said, well, my mom's here from New York. 394 00:34:07,140 --> 00:34:11,680 And he said, well, I'd like to take both of you out. And our first date was with my mother. 395 00:34:11,680 --> 00:34:19,980 And he brought us both flowers. He brought us both flowers. And one great thing is, 396 00:34:19,980 --> 00:34:25,140 I'm still sponsored like this today, is I always run everything by my sponsor. And she said, 397 00:34:25,220 --> 00:34:30,700 you can date. You go on one date a week. You do not let him in your apartment. You kiss him good 398 00:34:30,700 --> 00:34:35,260 night. And that's it. And we did that. We did that for seven months. And then we got engaged 399 00:34:35,260 --> 00:34:43,460 December 1999. We got engaged. And it was the old fashioned way, you know. And I tell you that 400 00:34:43,460 --> 00:34:49,260 because I never had a monogamous relationship, you know, and I never did things the right way. 401 00:34:49,260 --> 00:34:54,580 And I did. And I'm not telling you this because good me is that I followed sponsor direction. 402 00:34:55,200 --> 00:35:00,560 And it wasn't my will. You know, and that man and I are married 19 years today to each other. 403 00:35:02,610 --> 00:35:08,750 He's 33 years sober. And we put Alcoholics Anonymous first. I have done all these 12 steps. 404 00:35:09,750 --> 00:35:15,810 I have had a spiritual awakenings. You know, what is it like today? I worked hard. I paid 405 00:35:15,810 --> 00:35:19,310 all those amends back. I followed sponsor direction. Unfortunately, 406 00:35:19,390 --> 00:35:25,510 that wonderful first sponsor fell away. So I had to get a new sponsor. I met her when my husband and 407 00:35:25,510 --> 00:35:30,510 I got engaged. I moved out to Simi Valley. We did it. We were engaged. I moved in with him 408 00:35:30,510 --> 00:35:36,110 to our beautiful little condo on a golf course. I no longer lived in a roach infested place. 409 00:35:36,850 --> 00:35:43,770 And I moved in with him. He owned it. We both owned it. And she told me you need to get a job, 410 00:35:43,770 --> 00:35:48,770 not teach a class here and there. Get a job. Go to a temp agency. Get a job. 411 00:35:48,770 --> 00:35:54,890 You're going to work 40, 60 hours a week. I said, okay, Cheryl. I found this woman named Cheryl C. 412 00:35:55,310 --> 00:36:00,770 She was 20 something at the time. And I did that. I followed her direction. I went to work for 413 00:36:00,770 --> 00:36:06,290 Countrywide. I hated sitting at a cubicle. I was dying. But I did it. I did that. And I still went 414 00:36:06,290 --> 00:36:10,570 to my Wednesday night meeting. My husband and I always drove to Brentwood and down to Bellflower 415 00:36:10,570 --> 00:36:16,510 for six years. We did that. It was our committed meetings. And my husband and I agreed. I wanted 416 00:36:16,510 --> 00:36:18,130 kids. When I got to you at 33, I was like, I want kids. I want kids. I want kids. I want kids. I want kids. 417 00:36:18,130 --> 00:36:25,330 We got married at 34. I wanted to start having kids. But my sponsor said, oh, no. You take that 418 00:36:25,330 --> 00:36:31,510 birth control pill. You pay off all your amends. I had to do my steps. You get all that financial 419 00:36:31,510 --> 00:36:37,430 stuff, wreckage paid. She goes, you do it. And it's between you and your husband. And quickly, 420 00:36:37,670 --> 00:36:42,630 I did that because I wanted to have kids. But I said, no, no more self-will. I followed her 421 00:36:42,630 --> 00:36:48,010 direction. I worked at Countrywide for four years. My husband and I agreed. If I saved 422 00:36:48,010 --> 00:36:48,110 my life, I would do it. I would do it. I would do it. I would do it. I would do it. I would do it. 423 00:36:48,110 --> 00:36:53,750 My salary for two years, once we started having kids, I could stay home. And I'm here to tell you, 424 00:36:53,790 --> 00:36:59,630 I did. I went to work every day. I gave an honest work. Never called in sick. And I did that. And 425 00:36:59,630 --> 00:37:06,630 then I was able to save two years of my salary. In 2004, our baby girl was born. We didn't know. 426 00:37:06,710 --> 00:37:11,810 We didn't know. I never found out if it was a girl or a boy. I didn't do that. And my sponsor 427 00:37:11,810 --> 00:37:18,090 today, Cheryl, was in the room. I had no idea. And out came a beautiful girl. Her name's Maggie. 428 00:37:18,110 --> 00:37:25,690 Maggie Rose. And we named her Rose because my husband's mother is named Marie Rose. And I'm here 429 00:37:25,690 --> 00:37:31,030 not to tell you his story, but now that I'm a mom of a son, he found his mother four days dead. 430 00:37:31,170 --> 00:37:38,130 Alcohol, you know, alcoholism, defecation in their home in Agora Hills. And that keeps me sober. You 431 00:37:38,130 --> 00:37:43,450 know, I can't imagine my son coming in and seeing that. You know, so that girl was born to us in 432 00:37:43,710 --> 00:37:48,090 2004. And I got to stay home with him. And for the selfish, the self-centered, 433 00:37:48,110 --> 00:37:53,810 centered, selfish alcoholic that I am. In our book, we're selfish, self-centered to the core. 434 00:37:54,170 --> 00:37:58,830 I raised that girl. I stayed home with her every day. And then two and a half years later, 435 00:37:58,930 --> 00:38:03,750 we had a boy, girl, boy. And when that little boy came into the world again, my sponsor's in the 436 00:38:03,750 --> 00:38:09,450 room and my life was completed. And here again, I listened to sponsor direction. She looked at me, 437 00:38:09,490 --> 00:38:14,230 said, you got your girl, your boy, you're done. Yeah, go get your tubes tied. And I did because 438 00:38:14,230 --> 00:38:19,630 I'd have a busload. I really, I'd have a busload of kids. I love kids, but I would get drunk. 439 00:38:20,550 --> 00:38:26,950 I can't, I can't have, two is enough. So I have raised those kids. I have done every single thing 440 00:38:26,950 --> 00:38:32,070 is possibly asked, putting their needs first. And I don't know how that happens for an alcoholic 441 00:38:32,070 --> 00:38:37,990 like myself. It's because of you, it's because of God. And one last thing, and I have been able 442 00:38:37,990 --> 00:38:44,210 to be faithful to that man. I am a married woman. And sometimes things come up, 443 00:38:44,230 --> 00:38:49,850 but I act better than I feel. And that is a testament to Alcoholics Anonymous. 444 00:38:50,590 --> 00:38:54,290 And today I sponsor women. I do everything that is asked of me in Alcoholics Anonymous, 445 00:38:54,290 --> 00:38:59,090 even when I don't want to. When he asked for my number, I was like, no. But tonight, 446 00:38:59,730 --> 00:39:05,770 I had a good conversation with Manny. It's what my life is like today. I have a good life. I have 447 00:39:05,770 --> 00:39:13,450 a great life. But someone talked about they're mad at God. My sponsor, who's been my sponsor for 20 448 00:39:13,510 --> 00:39:13,910 years. 449 00:39:14,230 --> 00:39:22,980 She was diagnosed with ALS. ALS. She's 44 years sober. She still goes to all her commitments. 450 00:39:23,160 --> 00:39:27,840 She's been battling with this for five years now. And that woman, that woman is the most 451 00:39:27,840 --> 00:39:34,200 important person in my life. She comes before everybody. She is, I have to watch this. And I'm 452 00:39:34,200 --> 00:39:41,180 mad. Manny says, I'm mad at God. It's hard. I'm mad at God. I need God. I'm mad at God. I need God. 453 00:39:41,180 --> 00:39:43,240 But I come here and I tell you, 454 00:39:43,240 --> 00:39:48,600 you know, I was sharing with Manny is that, you know, thank God we're sober. And I know that you 455 00:39:48,600 --> 00:39:53,540 guys are going to get me through this and share with you. I know that I'll get through it. So 456 00:39:53,540 --> 00:39:59,800 thank you. Thank you, Alcoholics Anonymous. Thank you, Oscar. Thank you for my life and my drinks.