1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:01,000 Thank you. 2 00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:04,280 Now, I would like to introduce our main speaker, who is Cesar. 3 00:00:04,280 --> 00:00:05,280 Cesar alcoholic. 4 00:00:05,280 --> 00:00:08,000 I've been looking forward to get a drink of water, actually. 5 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,680 Like I said, my name is Cesar, I'm an alcoholic, and my sobriety date is January 21st of 2003. 6 00:00:13,680 --> 00:00:17,240 I also have a home group, and it's the Bellfire Big Book Group, and I got a sponsor in that 7 00:00:17,240 --> 00:00:18,240 group. 8 00:00:18,240 --> 00:00:21,920 His name's Larry T. And my grand sponsor is the co-founder of that group, and his name's 9 00:00:21,920 --> 00:00:24,900 Johnny H. And he's a man that I actually look up to. 10 00:00:24,900 --> 00:00:28,480 And I also have the privilege of sponsoring men, actually, in that group, and I got one 11 00:00:28,480 --> 00:00:29,480 of them with me. 12 00:00:29,480 --> 00:00:34,120 He's actually, he's been with me for seven years, you know, and now my other sponsors 13 00:00:34,120 --> 00:00:39,320 get to call him and complain and whine about me, you know, and they only knew how hard 14 00:00:39,320 --> 00:00:40,320 I was on him. 15 00:00:40,320 --> 00:00:42,920 I want to apologize ahead of time because of my accent. 16 00:00:42,920 --> 00:00:47,060 I'm like the only guy that was born here in the States, and I still have a Mexican accent. 17 00:00:47,060 --> 00:00:51,060 And it was so funny, because on the way up here, there's a guy driving with a flat tire. 18 00:00:51,060 --> 00:00:54,760 So I rolled my window down, and it was a Mexican guy, and I told him, in Spanish, I told him, 19 00:00:54,760 --> 00:00:55,760 you got a flat tire. 20 00:00:55,760 --> 00:00:56,760 He's like, what? 21 00:00:56,760 --> 00:00:59,460 I'm like, oh, I told him in English why you got a flat tire. 22 00:00:59,460 --> 00:01:03,440 I guess Mexicans in the valley don't speak Spanish, I guess. 23 00:01:03,440 --> 00:01:07,320 But I know what it's like to be in denial, though, that's for sure, you know, and I understood 24 00:01:07,320 --> 00:01:08,320 that. 25 00:01:08,320 --> 00:01:12,320 A little bit of what it was like, I've been a little off, but let me start off with that. 26 00:01:12,320 --> 00:01:17,000 My wife spoke here not too long ago, and it was so funny, though, because on the way up 27 00:01:17,000 --> 00:01:19,740 here, my wife is always late. 28 00:01:19,740 --> 00:01:22,380 She did her makeup by the time she got right here up to the point, like she was wearing 29 00:01:22,380 --> 00:01:23,380 a mask. 30 00:01:23,380 --> 00:01:24,380 It was the funniest thing. 31 00:01:24,380 --> 00:01:25,380 She's like, how come you didn't tell me? 32 00:01:25,380 --> 00:01:26,460 I'm like, that's the whole point of it, man. 33 00:01:26,460 --> 00:01:27,460 You know, it's like. 34 00:01:27,460 --> 00:01:28,460 But anyways, we've been married. 35 00:01:28,460 --> 00:01:33,360 I met my wife in my home group, and we've been together for quite some time. 36 00:01:33,360 --> 00:01:37,320 We've been married since 2008, but we went together probably like 12, 13 years already, 37 00:01:37,320 --> 00:01:39,320 and we weren't able to have kids. 38 00:01:39,320 --> 00:01:44,140 And right now, we've been having this opportunity of being, we signed up actually to foster 39 00:01:44,140 --> 00:01:45,140 kids. 40 00:01:45,140 --> 00:01:48,640 And there's a young lady, her brother comes to our home group, and she's dying of alcoholism 41 00:01:48,640 --> 00:01:49,640 right now. 42 00:01:49,640 --> 00:01:50,640 You know, she's got cirrhosis of the liver. 43 00:01:50,640 --> 00:01:52,320 She's only 26 years old. 44 00:01:52,320 --> 00:01:55,320 And she's got this daughter that's only 15 months. 45 00:01:55,320 --> 00:01:58,200 And, you know, that little girl, we've been taking care of her for quite some time. 46 00:01:58,200 --> 00:02:01,700 And that little girl, she's been damaged, you know. 47 00:02:01,700 --> 00:02:05,080 And you know, she came to the house, and I mean, she had the habit of smacking people, 48 00:02:05,080 --> 00:02:06,080 you know. 49 00:02:06,080 --> 00:02:10,600 And she would not respond to her name, and within the last month, I mean, she's been 50 00:02:10,600 --> 00:02:11,600 so much better, you know. 51 00:02:11,600 --> 00:02:15,460 And the other day, you know, and it's a possibility we might end up adopting her if something does 52 00:02:15,460 --> 00:02:17,760 happen to the mom, either us or the grandpa. 53 00:02:17,760 --> 00:02:18,760 And you know what? 54 00:02:18,760 --> 00:02:20,420 That little girl has become the apple of my eye, you know. 55 00:02:20,420 --> 00:02:22,140 And the other day, I found myself praying, you know. 56 00:02:22,140 --> 00:02:23,140 It's like, you know what? 57 00:02:23,140 --> 00:02:24,760 I hope we get to keep her and stuff like that. 58 00:02:24,760 --> 00:02:25,760 And then I started thinking. 59 00:02:25,760 --> 00:02:26,760 I'm like, you know what? 60 00:02:26,760 --> 00:02:29,440 I'm going to take care of you, man, you know. 61 00:02:29,440 --> 00:02:33,080 So I started praying for her actually to get better, and that's what we're hoping for, 62 00:02:33,080 --> 00:02:34,080 you know. 63 00:02:34,080 --> 00:02:35,080 And the doctor told her, you know. 64 00:02:35,080 --> 00:02:38,380 It's a possibility, you know, she stays off alcohol, you know, for six months because 65 00:02:38,380 --> 00:02:39,380 she's young. 66 00:02:39,380 --> 00:02:40,380 She might. 67 00:02:40,380 --> 00:02:42,660 They didn't give her that much of a chance, to be honest with you. 68 00:02:42,660 --> 00:02:46,200 And as far as the liver trans, I mean, but she might have a small chance, you know. 69 00:02:46,200 --> 00:02:49,380 But they don't do liver transplants usually with people like that, either, because there's 70 00:02:49,380 --> 00:02:51,580 always a possibility that we might drink again. 71 00:02:51,580 --> 00:02:53,000 And I said we might because that's me. 72 00:02:53,000 --> 00:02:54,640 I'm an alcoholic of that type, you know. 73 00:02:54,640 --> 00:02:58,920 And it was so funny because I was at a morning meeting not too long ago, and there was this 74 00:02:58,920 --> 00:03:05,420 guy sharing about this car accident in Santa Ana where a whole family almost got killed. 75 00:03:05,420 --> 00:03:07,080 And then the drunk driver, of course, survived. 76 00:03:07,080 --> 00:03:10,040 He's like, if that doesn't keep you sober, I don't know what else will. 77 00:03:10,040 --> 00:03:11,700 That never kept me sober, man. 78 00:03:11,700 --> 00:03:12,700 Never did. 79 00:03:12,700 --> 00:03:15,420 You know, going to jail never kept me sober. 80 00:03:15,420 --> 00:03:20,640 You know, listening to Mothers Against Drunk Drivers never kept me sober either, you know. 81 00:03:20,640 --> 00:03:22,960 And I convinced myself when I'm drunk that I drive better. 82 00:03:22,960 --> 00:03:23,960 I just close one eye. 83 00:03:23,960 --> 00:03:24,000 And now I'm sober. 84 00:03:24,640 --> 00:03:27,420 And I drive with a speed limit, maybe 10 miles less, you know. 85 00:03:27,420 --> 00:03:28,420 You name it. 86 00:03:28,420 --> 00:03:30,980 But it's like nothing like that ever scared me, you know. 87 00:03:30,980 --> 00:03:31,980 And I abandoned car accidents. 88 00:03:31,980 --> 00:03:34,000 That's why I got these two holes in my forehead. 89 00:03:34,000 --> 00:03:36,620 I had a broken neck, you know. 90 00:03:36,620 --> 00:03:39,180 And I had paid a lot of consequences because of alcohol. 91 00:03:39,180 --> 00:03:42,460 I want to thank the two 10-minute speakers actually before anything else, you know, for 92 00:03:42,460 --> 00:03:43,740 giving me a meeting before the meeting. 93 00:03:43,740 --> 00:03:44,740 I needed that, you know. 94 00:03:44,740 --> 00:03:48,700 And so a little bit of what it was like, I was, like I said, I was born here in the States, 95 00:03:48,700 --> 00:03:49,700 you know. 96 00:03:49,700 --> 00:03:50,700 And my dad's from Texas. 97 00:03:50,700 --> 00:03:51,760 My mom's from Mexico. 98 00:03:51,760 --> 00:03:54,640 And that marriage didn't, I mean, it lasted for a while. 99 00:03:54,640 --> 00:03:57,800 But when I was like two years old, my mom from one day to the next, she decided to move 100 00:03:57,800 --> 00:04:00,240 me to Mexico because my parents were getting divorced. 101 00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:03,200 And so she took me to Mexico and I lived in Mexico. 102 00:04:03,200 --> 00:04:05,640 We came back here to the States, you know, back and forth. 103 00:04:05,640 --> 00:04:06,640 I know we came back. 104 00:04:06,640 --> 00:04:09,960 We came back to, I don't know if you guys are familiar with National City. 105 00:04:09,960 --> 00:04:14,860 National City in San Diego is kind of like the East Aleva of that county, you know. 106 00:04:14,860 --> 00:04:18,420 And then from there, you know, she took me back to Mexico and I grew up in Mexico for 107 00:04:18,420 --> 00:04:20,280 six years before that, you know. 108 00:04:20,280 --> 00:04:22,640 And she put me in private school, man. 109 00:04:22,640 --> 00:04:24,280 My mom, she tried the best she could. 110 00:04:24,280 --> 00:04:28,180 She tried to give me the best life she could, you know, and I also got a brother and a sister, 111 00:04:28,180 --> 00:04:29,180 you know. 112 00:04:29,180 --> 00:04:32,180 And that brother of mine, you know, he started working from the time my parents got divorced, 113 00:04:32,180 --> 00:04:36,920 you know, at the age of 16 to support us, me and my mom and my sister, you know, and 114 00:04:36,920 --> 00:04:37,920 he's a good man. 115 00:04:37,920 --> 00:04:42,640 He's a really, really good man, you know, and a beautiful example of a man, you know. 116 00:04:42,640 --> 00:04:46,620 And my mom, you know, like I said, she took me over there, you know, we lived over there 117 00:04:46,620 --> 00:04:47,620 from one day to the next. 118 00:04:47,620 --> 00:04:51,900 My brother, because he did stay here in the States, you know, and he called us, he decided 119 00:04:51,900 --> 00:04:53,680 to move us back here to California. 120 00:04:53,680 --> 00:04:57,780 And we came back here to California and, you know, and I hated it here, man, you know, 121 00:04:57,780 --> 00:05:01,280 because at that age, you know, this is like in junior high and prior to that, you know, 122 00:05:01,280 --> 00:05:04,580 it's like even going through those private schools in Mexico, I never felt like I fit 123 00:05:04,580 --> 00:05:05,580 in, you know. 124 00:05:05,580 --> 00:05:08,440 And like with those kids, I was in a Catholic school, I came from a different religion, 125 00:05:08,440 --> 00:05:12,620 you know, and so I didn't follow like a lot of the stuff they did, you know, in that Catholic 126 00:05:12,620 --> 00:05:16,300 school, you know, and I didn't even know all the rituals and stuff like that. 127 00:05:16,300 --> 00:05:20,380 And a lot of these kids, actually, they came with money, they came from money and I come 128 00:05:20,380 --> 00:05:21,380 from a poor family. 129 00:05:21,380 --> 00:05:22,580 My mom, she was just working her butt off, you know. 130 00:05:22,580 --> 00:05:27,120 In order for me to be able to go to that school, because she wanted the best for me. 131 00:05:27,120 --> 00:05:28,120 But it was bad. 132 00:05:28,120 --> 00:05:32,400 I would make up these stories that they had all these things and I didn't have anything, 133 00:05:32,400 --> 00:05:33,400 you know. 134 00:05:33,400 --> 00:05:36,860 And I remember my mom, you know, back then, that's when the vans actually with the little 135 00:05:36,860 --> 00:05:38,380 checkers came out. 136 00:05:38,380 --> 00:05:42,360 And so I told that I wanted those shoes, you know, and my mom got me these shoes from Kmart, 137 00:05:42,360 --> 00:05:46,300 you know, the imitations and the checkers and those things, they were about that big, 138 00:05:46,300 --> 00:05:47,300 you know. 139 00:05:47,300 --> 00:05:49,060 And she tried, you know. 140 00:05:49,060 --> 00:05:52,380 And so when I came here to the States, I came straight to junior high. 141 00:05:52,380 --> 00:05:54,340 Junior high, you know. 142 00:05:54,340 --> 00:05:55,340 And it was rough. 143 00:05:55,340 --> 00:05:56,340 It was puberty. 144 00:05:56,340 --> 00:05:57,340 I couldn't speak English. 145 00:05:57,340 --> 00:06:00,220 You know, kids were back then, they used to take showers, you know. 146 00:06:00,220 --> 00:06:03,980 And I mean, and we're talking about some of these guys, you know, that I would take the 147 00:06:03,980 --> 00:06:04,980 PE class. 148 00:06:04,980 --> 00:06:07,020 They look like full grown men, you know. 149 00:06:07,020 --> 00:06:09,440 And I was a late bloomer, you know what I mean. 150 00:06:09,440 --> 00:06:13,200 All these guys, they had hair already, man, you know, all I had was my little dirty Mexican 151 00:06:13,200 --> 00:06:14,200 mustache, you know. 152 00:06:14,200 --> 00:06:16,060 And it was awful, man. 153 00:06:16,060 --> 00:06:17,060 And it was awful. 154 00:06:17,060 --> 00:06:21,080 You know, I remember this one girl, she was walking by and she pushed her friend against 155 00:06:21,080 --> 00:06:22,080 me. 156 00:06:22,380 --> 00:06:25,280 She was like, ugh, you know, and like, oh my God, you know, and I remember one time 157 00:06:25,280 --> 00:06:29,000 I dropped my pen in one of the classes and this girl picked it up and she said, whose 158 00:06:29,000 --> 00:06:30,000 pen is this? 159 00:06:30,000 --> 00:06:33,260 And I told her it was mine, you know, and she's like, ugh, she just threw it at me, 160 00:06:33,260 --> 00:06:34,260 man, you know. 161 00:06:34,260 --> 00:06:37,260 But let me tell you what drinking does for me, man, you know, a few years down the line, 162 00:06:37,260 --> 00:06:40,800 you know, I started drinking and both of those girls became my girlfriends, you know. 163 00:06:40,800 --> 00:06:44,620 And I reminded them exactly what they did, you know, because that's what I do. 164 00:06:44,620 --> 00:06:47,660 One of them is actually homeless right now, living in Florida, you know, it's kind of 165 00:06:47,660 --> 00:06:48,660 sad actually. 166 00:06:48,660 --> 00:06:49,980 She's one of us, you know. 167 00:06:49,980 --> 00:06:53,800 But anyways, you know, so I went through junior high and I remember even in junior 168 00:06:53,800 --> 00:06:56,280 high, you know, that feeling, like I said, I needed a drink. 169 00:06:56,280 --> 00:06:59,540 I think I needed a drink from the time I was either a drink or a sponsor from the time 170 00:06:59,540 --> 00:07:00,540 I was five years old. 171 00:07:00,540 --> 00:07:01,860 You know, I could have used either one. 172 00:07:01,860 --> 00:07:05,120 Oh, and my mom, you know, I remember my mom, you know, all these kids will bring these 173 00:07:05,120 --> 00:07:08,580 sandwiches, you know, these little paper bags, because it wasn't cool for you to bring a 174 00:07:08,580 --> 00:07:11,140 lunchbox or anything like that, it was paper bags, you know. 175 00:07:11,140 --> 00:07:14,740 And my mom, she's all, and I told my mom I want paper bags like the rest of the kids 176 00:07:14,740 --> 00:07:15,780 and she's like, all right. 177 00:07:15,780 --> 00:07:20,120 So she decided to get grocery bags and cut them in half, man. 178 00:07:20,120 --> 00:07:23,700 And then to top it off, I was the only kid bringing burritos for lunch too, you know. 179 00:07:23,700 --> 00:07:27,460 I would kill for those burritos right now though, you know. 180 00:07:27,460 --> 00:07:31,900 Best beans ever, homemade flour tortillas, didn't appreciate those things, you know. 181 00:07:31,900 --> 00:07:36,220 And my mom, man, she tried the best she could, this poor lady, you know. 182 00:07:36,220 --> 00:07:40,320 I forgot to mention, she had me when she was 35, so she was a little older, you know, according 183 00:07:40,320 --> 00:07:42,660 to them, you know, when she had me. 184 00:07:42,660 --> 00:07:44,780 And my brother and my sister, they're a lot older than me. 185 00:07:44,780 --> 00:07:45,780 So I was pretty much raised like that. 186 00:07:45,780 --> 00:07:47,000 I was like a single child. 187 00:07:47,000 --> 00:07:49,860 And this, my sister, my brother, they all love me to death. 188 00:07:49,860 --> 00:07:53,040 I can't really say that I come from a bad family or anything like that. 189 00:07:53,040 --> 00:07:54,040 I got no complaints. 190 00:07:54,040 --> 00:07:58,660 The only issue that we had in our family that I didn't find out until later on is that my 191 00:07:58,660 --> 00:08:03,120 actual father, who is a stepfather to my brother, sexually molested my brother. 192 00:08:03,120 --> 00:08:04,400 That's why he disappeared out of our lives. 193 00:08:04,400 --> 00:08:06,620 We're talking about a church member and all this, that. 194 00:08:06,620 --> 00:08:09,680 And he sexually molested my brother, man, you know. 195 00:08:09,680 --> 00:08:11,760 And that's why he was gone, you know. 196 00:08:11,760 --> 00:08:14,900 But anyways, fast forward, you know. 197 00:08:14,900 --> 00:08:15,740 My brother. 198 00:08:15,740 --> 00:08:20,240 And the reason I mention him a lot is because what he did for my life, for me. 199 00:08:20,240 --> 00:08:21,740 You know, he tried the best he could. 200 00:08:21,740 --> 00:08:23,320 He started working at a young age. 201 00:08:23,320 --> 00:08:25,180 And my brother, my brother's gay. 202 00:08:25,180 --> 00:08:27,500 And I was quite embarrassed about it for the longest time. 203 00:08:27,500 --> 00:08:30,040 You know, and I wanted to play sports. 204 00:08:30,040 --> 00:08:31,900 He wanted me to play the flute. 205 00:08:31,900 --> 00:08:35,360 You know, and you know, I wanted to go to the boxing gym. 206 00:08:35,360 --> 00:08:39,900 He wanted me to take dance lessons, you know, and we didn't really know if he was gay or 207 00:08:39,900 --> 00:08:43,400 not during that period of time, you know, and we didn't find out until later on, you 208 00:08:43,400 --> 00:08:44,400 know. 209 00:08:44,400 --> 00:08:45,400 And he tried the best he could. 210 00:08:45,400 --> 00:08:45,700 You know. 211 00:08:45,700 --> 00:08:52,280 And I, oh my God, man, all I knew, I did not want to be like him, you know, and I tried 212 00:08:52,280 --> 00:08:56,160 out for sports, you know, I remember like that summer between my freshman and sophomore 213 00:08:56,160 --> 00:09:00,040 year, you know, it's like, I remember going through a lot of, you have these conversations 214 00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:01,380 with other kids, you know. 215 00:09:01,380 --> 00:09:05,160 I'm a late bloomer when it comes to my drinking, you know, and drinking has always existed 216 00:09:05,160 --> 00:09:06,160 in my family. 217 00:09:06,160 --> 00:09:09,180 I had taken a couple of sips here and there, you know, and I'm not one of those guys that 218 00:09:09,180 --> 00:09:12,700 started drinking at the age of five and I was in Skid Row by the age of seven, you know, 219 00:09:12,700 --> 00:09:13,700 or not. 220 00:09:13,700 --> 00:09:14,700 I'm not that guy. 221 00:09:14,700 --> 00:09:15,700 I've tried a couple. 222 00:09:15,700 --> 00:09:16,700 I've tried a couple of sips. 223 00:09:16,700 --> 00:09:17,700 I come from a Mexican family. 224 00:09:17,700 --> 00:09:18,700 That's what parents do. 225 00:09:18,700 --> 00:09:19,700 You know, that's what uncles do. 226 00:09:19,700 --> 00:09:22,800 They give you a beer, you know, they want to see how you act when you're drunk and stuff 227 00:09:22,800 --> 00:09:23,800 and that. 228 00:09:23,800 --> 00:09:27,920 But anyways, I remember at the freshman and the summer between my freshman and sophomore 229 00:09:27,920 --> 00:09:31,740 year, this one guy that I used to look up to, you know, his name was Tom and Tom looked 230 00:09:31,740 --> 00:09:36,360 like one of those teen idols from the eighties, you know, he used to drive a Supra back then 231 00:09:36,360 --> 00:09:37,360 already. 232 00:09:37,360 --> 00:09:38,360 He had the cool haircut. 233 00:09:38,360 --> 00:09:42,200 He had the earring, you know, with the cross on it, you know, and he schooled me. 234 00:09:42,200 --> 00:09:45,720 He told me, he's like, you know what, man, you're about to go to start high school, man. 235 00:09:45,720 --> 00:09:49,400 You know, it's going to be a lot of partying, a lot of girls, you know, and you know, things 236 00:09:49,400 --> 00:09:50,400 are going to happen. 237 00:09:50,400 --> 00:09:51,400 He's like, you're going to get laid. 238 00:09:51,400 --> 00:09:54,920 And I was like, I wanted to get laid, you know, I'm not going to lie to you, you know, 239 00:09:54,920 --> 00:09:56,860 and anything for that, you know? 240 00:09:56,860 --> 00:10:00,820 And so he's like telling me all this stuff, man, you know, and he's telling me all this 241 00:10:00,820 --> 00:10:01,820 stuff, what I should do. 242 00:10:01,820 --> 00:10:04,000 He's like, you see, he's what he schooled me. 243 00:10:04,000 --> 00:10:06,440 He's like, if you see your friends drinking one beer, you drink two beers. 244 00:10:06,440 --> 00:10:09,060 If you see him smoking a joint, you know, you smoke a joint and stuff. 245 00:10:09,060 --> 00:10:10,060 I'm like, all right. 246 00:10:10,060 --> 00:10:12,980 So I took that at heart, man, you know, and so, you know, I tried out for sports, you 247 00:10:12,980 --> 00:10:16,200 know, I used to wrestle back then, you know, and I did really good and I exceeded in sports 248 00:10:16,200 --> 00:10:21,500 actually, you know, and, but I remember that after that, you know, I completed that year, 249 00:10:21,500 --> 00:10:25,760 my freshman year, I remember my mom sent me to Mexico for that summer between my freshman 250 00:10:25,760 --> 00:10:26,840 and sophomore year. 251 00:10:26,840 --> 00:10:30,960 And by the time I came, I went back over there, a lot of my friends, they were drinking already. 252 00:10:30,960 --> 00:10:32,420 They were smoking cigarettes, man. 253 00:10:32,420 --> 00:10:33,420 And they asked me, you drinking? 254 00:10:33,420 --> 00:10:36,140 And I'm like, yeah, yeah, all the time, man, you know, and they gave me a couple of sips 255 00:10:36,140 --> 00:10:38,280 of that, whatever they were drinking and I spit it out. 256 00:10:38,280 --> 00:10:39,280 And I was like, wow. 257 00:10:39,280 --> 00:10:40,280 And he said, do you smoke? 258 00:10:40,280 --> 00:10:43,000 I'm like, you know, I said, yeah, you know, they gave me a cigarette, you know, and I 259 00:10:43,000 --> 00:10:47,180 started smoking and started coughing, you know, and so I made my purpose that whole 260 00:10:47,180 --> 00:10:49,860 summer was for me to learn how to smoke and drink that summer. 261 00:10:49,860 --> 00:10:50,860 And you know what though? 262 00:10:50,860 --> 00:10:54,760 And I remember getting drunk, I'm talking, getting drunk for the first time and feeling 263 00:10:54,760 --> 00:10:55,760 that magic. 264 00:10:55,760 --> 00:10:59,060 And for the first time, it didn't matter what you thought of me, all the zits I had, you 265 00:10:59,060 --> 00:11:04,260 know, they were gone, you know, and, and for once I looked around and I was at peace, 266 00:11:04,260 --> 00:11:09,080 you know, and I felt like everybody else looked, you know, and, and, and few things happened 267 00:11:09,080 --> 00:11:10,080 that summer. 268 00:11:10,080 --> 00:11:11,080 I did learn how to smoke. 269 00:11:11,080 --> 00:11:12,080 I did learn how to drink. 270 00:11:12,080 --> 00:11:15,780 And I got laid for the first time in Mexico, you know, and so something, I mean, this thing 271 00:11:15,780 --> 00:11:19,220 was working for me, you know, and, and it was a good thing. 272 00:11:19,220 --> 00:11:22,820 I, you know, like I said, I didn't grow up so much with like with a father figure, my 273 00:11:22,820 --> 00:11:26,120 brother was the only father figure and I did not want to be like him. 274 00:11:26,120 --> 00:11:28,820 And so I grew up, you know, looking up to all these characters, you know, like, you 275 00:11:28,820 --> 00:11:32,320 know, like the fonts from happy days, man, I just wanted to snap my fingers and have 276 00:11:32,320 --> 00:11:36,020 those two chicks, you know, and, and all these different things, man. 277 00:11:36,020 --> 00:11:39,660 And I remember I used to watch all these videos, you know, and I remember one of the videos 278 00:11:39,660 --> 00:11:42,060 I watched, it was called the decline of Western civilization. 279 00:11:42,060 --> 00:11:46,340 It was a punk about the punk scene in the back in the seventies, the late seventies. 280 00:11:46,340 --> 00:11:50,060 And that's what I wanted to be, you know, and I was never a good gangster, you know, 281 00:11:50,060 --> 00:11:55,980 I'm Mexican, you know, and I'm very, I'm not disciplined, you know, I'm not into, you know, 282 00:11:55,980 --> 00:11:58,660 ironing my pants and creasing them and all that crap. 283 00:11:58,660 --> 00:12:03,680 You know, it's like, that's not me, I'm a slob, I'm a slob, you know, and you know, 284 00:12:03,680 --> 00:12:06,980 you know, even when it came to work in the beginning of my sobriety, you know, they said 285 00:12:06,980 --> 00:12:12,720 the Mexicans that hard workers, not this one, I'm a lazy ass, you know, and, and, but anyways, 286 00:12:12,720 --> 00:12:14,360 you know, it's like, that's what I wanted to be, man. 287 00:12:14,360 --> 00:12:17,600 And I started hanging out with kids like that and I started dressing like that, you know, 288 00:12:17,600 --> 00:12:20,840 and, and not only that with it, you know, came the whole scene, you know, that came 289 00:12:20,840 --> 00:12:24,600 the drugs and everything else, you know, and I had a blast, man, you know, like I said, 290 00:12:24,600 --> 00:12:27,840 if it wasn't for alcohol and drugs, you know, I don't think I would have even, even had 291 00:12:27,840 --> 00:12:30,480 the courage to even talk to the opposite sex. 292 00:12:30,480 --> 00:12:34,440 For once, you know, I feel like I fit in with somebody, man, and, and we used to go to keg 293 00:12:34,440 --> 00:12:38,840 parties back then and have a blast, you know, and, and, you know, it's like, I mean, I attracted 294 00:12:38,840 --> 00:12:43,100 some girls and stuff like that, like I mentioned earlier, you know, and, and it was working 295 00:12:43,100 --> 00:12:48,680 and you know, the thing is, it's like I, I graduated high school, barely, you know, not, 296 00:12:48,680 --> 00:12:52,420 not with my classes until like later on, you know, and by the time I was done in high, 297 00:12:52,420 --> 00:12:54,600 with high school, you know, it's like things started happening. 298 00:12:54,600 --> 00:12:59,000 I got arrested for the first time for drink, being drunk in public and acting like an idiot, 299 00:12:59,000 --> 00:13:03,440 you know, and, and not too long after that, you know, I remember being at a party, being 300 00:13:03,440 --> 00:13:07,360 super drunk, man, and, and meeting this one girl and I, and I remember she's like, you 301 00:13:07,360 --> 00:13:08,360 want to go get more alcohol? 302 00:13:08,360 --> 00:13:09,360 I'm like, sure. 303 00:13:09,360 --> 00:13:12,840 Went to go get more alcohol and ended up kissing while she was driving and ended up hitting 304 00:13:12,840 --> 00:13:16,320 a parked car and ended up breaking the windshield of my head, you know, and, and I've ended 305 00:13:16,320 --> 00:13:20,440 up fracturing my C5 and C6 and I remember just the car being on fire, you know, and 306 00:13:20,440 --> 00:13:23,400 all this stuff, you know, and I remember getting out of that car and not having any control 307 00:13:23,400 --> 00:13:24,400 over my neck, you know? 308 00:13:24,600 --> 00:13:28,540 And I, and I had all this blood on my face coming from my forehead, you know, and I remember 309 00:13:28,540 --> 00:13:32,220 laying down on the grass, you know, and being super drunk and I'm thinking to myself, I 310 00:13:32,220 --> 00:13:34,780 mean, you know what, I'm just going to kick back and chill for a little while and then 311 00:13:34,780 --> 00:13:35,780 I'm going to just walk home. 312 00:13:35,780 --> 00:13:36,780 I couldn't move. 313 00:13:36,780 --> 00:13:39,880 You know, the ambulance came, they took me in, you know, from one way or another, you 314 00:13:39,880 --> 00:13:43,180 know, my, my family and them getting informed that I was in the hospital and they came and, 315 00:13:43,180 --> 00:13:46,620 you know, and there was that look, that look of disappointment, man, you know, and, and 316 00:13:46,620 --> 00:13:51,280 I remember seeing my mom's eyes, you know, and, and, and it broke my heart, you know, 317 00:13:51,280 --> 00:13:54,520 and by that time I had sober up, you know, and I couldn't move, you know, I was laying 318 00:13:54,520 --> 00:13:57,980 in a stretcher, you know, for hours and hours because I couldn't move, you know, and they 319 00:13:57,980 --> 00:14:01,040 put me through CAT scans and all this stuff and then they transferred me to a hospital 320 00:14:01,040 --> 00:14:02,040 and, and it was a miracle. 321 00:14:02,040 --> 00:14:03,040 It was a miracle. 322 00:14:03,040 --> 00:14:07,400 It's a miracle that actually that I'm walking and that I'm not paralyzed from the neck down, 323 00:14:07,400 --> 00:14:08,400 you know? 324 00:14:08,400 --> 00:14:11,540 And well, I remember being at that hospital and in recovering, you know, they put this 325 00:14:11,540 --> 00:14:15,040 thing on, I forgot to mention, it's called the halo, you know, so I got these two holes 326 00:14:15,040 --> 00:14:18,480 on my forehead and I got a big scar on the back of my neck, you know, from the bone transplant 327 00:14:18,480 --> 00:14:19,480 I had. 328 00:14:19,480 --> 00:14:22,780 And I remember being in that, and the halo, it's like this piece of metal that keeps your 329 00:14:22,780 --> 00:14:25,380 neck straight, you know, they screw these things into your head and you have this big 330 00:14:25,380 --> 00:14:28,740 old vest, you know, and, and I've been in that hospital and my mom, she brought a, she 331 00:14:28,740 --> 00:14:32,360 brought a, one of the, one of her pastors over and this guy, you know, it's like he 332 00:14:32,360 --> 00:14:35,380 prayed with me and he talked to me about God and stuff like that. 333 00:14:35,380 --> 00:14:39,800 And I remember having a moment of clarity and see where my life was at at that moment, 334 00:14:39,800 --> 00:14:40,800 you know? 335 00:14:40,800 --> 00:14:43,880 And I remember committing myself right then, then, you know what, I'll follow this God 336 00:14:43,880 --> 00:14:44,880 of yours, man. 337 00:14:44,880 --> 00:14:48,540 I told him if it's, if it's gonna, if it's gonna help, you know, and, and I'm feeling 338 00:14:48,540 --> 00:14:52,300 that ease and comfort, man, when I was praying with this man, but I, what I didn't know I 339 00:14:52,300 --> 00:14:57,220 suffer from alcoholism, man, you know, and, and what happened a week later after that, 340 00:14:57,220 --> 00:15:00,620 you know, I had, I had made a promise that I wasn't gonna drink again, that I was not 341 00:15:00,620 --> 00:15:05,560 gonna ever do drugs again, but you see, it's not up to me anymore because I'm an alcoholic, 342 00:15:05,560 --> 00:15:06,560 you know? 343 00:15:06,560 --> 00:15:10,880 And, and I remember feeling a little bit irritable and discontent, like the book says, you know? 344 00:15:10,880 --> 00:15:14,780 And so there I was, you know, I told my mom, I'll be right back, you know, I gotta, I gotta 345 00:15:14,780 --> 00:15:18,320 go, you know, and, and there I go, you know, across the street to the liquor store looking 346 00:15:18,320 --> 00:15:18,440 like, what? 347 00:15:18,540 --> 00:15:22,460 Robocop, you know, and, you know, and there I come back with my little paper bag, you 348 00:15:22,460 --> 00:15:25,760 know, and that became a ritual, you know, it's like every day I would go to that liquor 349 00:15:25,760 --> 00:15:29,280 store and pick up my little paper bag with my lick, you know, and I remember back then 350 00:15:29,280 --> 00:15:33,180 these were still Makies, 22 ounce Makies, and they were about that long, you know, and 351 00:15:33,180 --> 00:15:37,840 that was my drink back then, you know, malt liquor, you know, and that and a Ben and Jerry's 352 00:15:37,840 --> 00:15:42,340 for the munchies, you know, and so, you know, it's, then I understood, you know, I mean, 353 00:15:42,460 --> 00:15:46,440 after that thing came off, you know, I mean, there was a few incidents in my life, you 354 00:15:46,440 --> 00:15:49,200 know, still, you know, as a matter of fact, actually, I was going to parties and stuff 355 00:15:49,200 --> 00:15:52,580 like that with that thing on, you know, and, and partying with my friends and stuff, and 356 00:15:52,580 --> 00:15:57,700 it was bad, they would put, it would be like beer cans on it and stuff, you know, and it 357 00:15:57,700 --> 00:16:02,420 would put us like, usually like a cigarette holder, and, and that thing, that thing came 358 00:16:02,420 --> 00:16:07,180 off like seven months later, you know, and I remember I, I, I came across one of my sisters 359 00:16:07,180 --> 00:16:11,000 from my dad's first marriage, she started calling me, you know, and she's, she's pretty 360 00:16:11,000 --> 00:16:14,360 well off, she asked me if I wanted to come over to her house and, and spend some time 361 00:16:14,360 --> 00:16:17,880 with her, and she said, I'm like, yeah, so I went over there, she lives in Godfrey, Illinois, 362 00:16:17,980 --> 00:16:21,180 that's where she lives at, you know, and so I went to go visit her, and, and she asked 363 00:16:21,180 --> 00:16:24,560 me if I wanted to stay with her and live with her, and that she would pay for my school 364 00:16:24,560 --> 00:16:27,500 and stuff, and I said, I'm, well, I don't know, you know, it's like, we'll see, and 365 00:16:27,500 --> 00:16:31,460 you know, and then I opened up the, I started feeling a little homesick, I guess, that's 366 00:16:31,460 --> 00:16:35,460 what I thought it was, and then all of a sudden, I opened up her fridge, and like, ta-da, you 367 00:16:35,460 --> 00:16:39,420 know, there it is, man, she had a, she had like liquor, she had, you know, over there 368 00:16:39,420 --> 00:16:42,520 they make that bush beer, and for some reason, it tastes way better over there, you know, 369 00:16:42,580 --> 00:16:46,120 and I, I started drinking, and before you know it, it's like, I'm making an asset of 370 00:16:46,120 --> 00:16:49,880 myself, because that's what I do, there's nothing glamorous about my drinking, I, I, 371 00:16:49,880 --> 00:16:54,520 I started making an asset of myself, I got a nephew who's about a year older than me, 372 00:16:54,900 --> 00:16:57,960 you know, and I, he was staying with my sister at the time, and he had a girlfriend, I was 373 00:16:57,960 --> 00:17:01,400 trying to be with his girlfriend, and, and, you know, I ended up calling my sis, my sister 374 00:17:01,400 --> 00:17:04,920 the B word, you know, and there's that look of disappointment once again, you know, and 375 00:17:04,920 --> 00:17:08,420 she kicked me out of her house, you know, I don't blame her, like I said, I mean, that, 376 00:17:08,500 --> 00:17:12,400 and that's not my drinking is, it's just me making an asset of myself, people babysitting 377 00:17:12,400 --> 00:17:15,600 me, I'm the type of drunk, I mean, in a good night, you know, so I go to the bar, I used 378 00:17:15,600 --> 00:17:18,440 to go to this one place called Tubby's right there in Whittier, and I would, I would just 379 00:17:18,440 --> 00:17:21,840 get plastered, man, you know, and just be drunk, you know, and I'm, next thing, I'm 380 00:17:21,840 --> 00:17:26,760 upside down, inside this trash can, I'm throwing up, and farting at the same time, you know, 381 00:17:26,860 --> 00:17:30,060 and, and, and, and next thing is like, I try to go kiss a girl, you know, with a piece 382 00:17:30,060 --> 00:17:34,840 of corn in my mouth, you know, and, and that's as good as it gets for a guy like me, you 383 00:17:34,840 --> 00:17:38,360 know, and, and you should have seen my little Honda, I thought it was an, I thought my Honda 384 00:17:38,360 --> 00:17:42,080 was old, this little car that I had, you know, the car smelled like puke, you know, I used 385 00:17:42,080 --> 00:17:45,940 to puke in the pockets of the car all the time, man, and I mean, like I said, I'm a 386 00:17:45,940 --> 00:17:49,560 slob, I don't clean that, you know, just get a couple napkins, and that's it, you know, 387 00:17:49,560 --> 00:17:55,180 and it was nasty, man, you know, and, well, going back to that, man, you know, and, so 388 00:17:55,180 --> 00:17:59,700 my sister kicked me out, you know, I came back, and I, and, you know, I managed to get 389 00:17:59,700 --> 00:18:03,240 a little job, you know, and I, it was at, at Rite Aid, and I thought it was a perfect 390 00:18:03,240 --> 00:18:07,380 job for me, you know, it's like, I got all these free booze, I got free ice cream, you 391 00:18:07,380 --> 00:18:11,240 know, I was, I, I, you know, behind the counter where I worked, you know, there were a lot 392 00:18:11,240 --> 00:18:14,520 of free cigarettes, I mean, I had it going on, I had, you know, it's like, what else 393 00:18:14,520 --> 00:18:18,680 can you ask for, you know, and I would go in the back, you know, and they used to, they 394 00:18:18,680 --> 00:18:21,900 used to have those, I don't know, they're still around, the club drinks, they used to 395 00:18:21,900 --> 00:18:24,980 come in a little can, they were mixed drinks in a little can like that, and they would, 396 00:18:24,980 --> 00:18:28,560 you would get loaded with those, man, so I would go to the back, drink a few of those, 397 00:18:28,680 --> 00:18:31,880 you know, steal a couple packs of cigarettes, and go home, you know, and that was my shift, 398 00:18:32,040 --> 00:18:37,520 you know, and, you know, it was fun back then, I mean, I didn't care about anything back 399 00:18:37,520 --> 00:18:41,060 then, you know, and, and I started, you know, during that period of time, a lot of my friends 400 00:18:41,060 --> 00:18:43,660 that were getting really, really involved with the club scene and all this stuff, you 401 00:18:43,660 --> 00:18:47,360 know, I started this, like, early, early 90s, you know, and, so I started getting involved, 402 00:18:47,460 --> 00:18:50,260 I started dressing differently, because I'm, I'm always trying to fit in with all these 403 00:18:50,260 --> 00:18:53,500 different crowds, you know, nothing ever positive, always different crowds, you know, 404 00:18:53,500 --> 00:18:56,960 I started wearing baggy pants just like they did, you know, and, and try to be like them, 405 00:18:57,000 --> 00:19:00,000 you know, and I started piercing every single part of my face, you know, and everywhere, 406 00:19:00,100 --> 00:19:03,320 my nipples, I mean, you name it, you know, and, and you know what, though, man, and I, 407 00:19:03,480 --> 00:19:06,520 and we, we used to go to clubs where the, you know, a lot of underground clubs were 408 00:19:06,520 --> 00:19:10,040 there in Hollywood and everywhere, you know, and, and we had a blast, man, I started experimenting, 409 00:19:10,180 --> 00:19:13,640 experimenting with different drugs, and, and, and in the, you know, and during that period 410 00:19:13,640 --> 00:19:18,560 of time, I was becoming a really, really bad tweaker, you know, and, and, and then my mind 411 00:19:18,560 --> 00:19:21,920 started playing really a lot of tricks on me, man, let me tell you, you know, and, and, 412 00:19:22,100 --> 00:19:26,180 and within no time, you know, I lost the job, I lost the little car that I had bought, you 413 00:19:26,180 --> 00:19:29,580 know, and family kicked me out of the house, believe it or not, even though we're Mexican 414 00:19:29,580 --> 00:19:33,700 people, they, they got tired of my ass, because, you know, by this time, it's like, I'm not 415 00:19:33,700 --> 00:19:37,940 a big-time criminal, you know, like the gentleman that showed earlier, you know, I'm, I'm a 416 00:19:37,940 --> 00:19:41,540 loser, man, you know, I'm, I'm really, the one thing that I'm really good at is stealing 417 00:19:41,540 --> 00:19:45,920 money from my mom's purse, you know, and I, I, I'm an expert, you know, so I would push 418 00:19:45,920 --> 00:19:49,540 this lady around to get her last night, you know, and, and, or, you know, or my crimes 419 00:19:49,540 --> 00:19:52,600 would be going to the liquor store and coming out of the liquor store and a couple bottles 420 00:19:52,600 --> 00:19:56,660 of tequila, you know, maybe a couple cases of beer, a couple 12-packs, you know, and 421 00:19:56,660 --> 00:20:00,200 run all the way, all the way to my house, you know, and those, those, those were my 422 00:20:00,200 --> 00:20:04,480 crimes, man, you know, and so, like I said, you know, family kicked me out, I ended up 423 00:20:04,480 --> 00:20:08,200 homeless in the streets at that time, you know, and, and, and I remember it happened 424 00:20:08,200 --> 00:20:12,960 in no time, it happened in no time, and I remember, I remember just walking in the streets, 425 00:20:12,960 --> 00:20:16,120 you know, thinking to myself, what happened, you know, it's like, I mean, I was just having 426 00:20:16,120 --> 00:20:20,200 a blast not too long ago, and, and, and my brother, by this time, he had a friend that 427 00:20:20,200 --> 00:20:23,840 he was an Alcoholics Anonymous, and he had asked me if I wanted to talk to him at one 428 00:20:23,840 --> 00:20:26,360 point, they approached me, and I'm like, yeah, sure, and this guy, you know, his name 429 00:20:26,360 --> 00:20:30,340 was Patrick, he took me, Patrick talked to me, he took me to my first meeting, and I 430 00:20:30,340 --> 00:20:33,820 didn't hear much at that first meeting, you know, all I saw was the differences, I was 431 00:20:33,820 --> 00:20:38,020 21 years old, and I didn't want to relate with anybody, so they took me to the meeting, 432 00:20:38,020 --> 00:20:41,060 you know, and by the time I left that meeting, you know, I tried to stay sober, you know, 433 00:20:41,080 --> 00:20:44,900 I don't think this AA thing is for me, I told them, you know, I'll try something else, and 434 00:20:44,900 --> 00:20:49,940 I remember detoxing right there and then, you know, at my, at my mom's house, and, and 435 00:20:49,940 --> 00:20:52,640 I remember telling my mom, you know what, I'm going to kick back for a couple days, 436 00:20:52,640 --> 00:20:55,960 and then I'm going to go look for a job, and, and I remember asking her if I could 437 00:20:55,960 --> 00:20:59,400 borrow, if I could have my car back, and she's like, yeah, sure, and she's like, and you 438 00:20:59,400 --> 00:21:02,880 know what, I woke up that morning and told myself I'm going to go look for a job, but 439 00:21:02,880 --> 00:21:06,480 I was an autopilot, all the way, all of a sudden, I went to the bar, I thought it was 440 00:21:06,480 --> 00:21:10,200 a good idea, from the bar, I went to my dealer's house, and I was there for, for a couple weeks 441 00:21:10,200 --> 00:21:13,080 after that, you know, and then I was like, you know what, though, I think I do have a 442 00:21:13,080 --> 00:21:17,500 problem, and, you know, and the, and the things that I had to do, you know, to get those things, 443 00:21:17,640 --> 00:21:21,340 demoralizing, you know, and all this stuff, you know, and things that, you know, I wouldn't 444 00:21:21,340 --> 00:21:24,960 want to share with anybody, you know, with my kids, you know, if I really do have kids, 445 00:21:25,040 --> 00:21:30,260 you know, because like I said, I mean, there's just nothing, I, I, I mean, I'm not a big 446 00:21:30,260 --> 00:21:34,160 time criminal, you know, and I did a lot of stupid low things, you know, a lot of stupid 447 00:21:34,160 --> 00:21:37,840 low things for me to get those things, you know, and, but anyways, I remember coming 448 00:21:37,840 --> 00:21:41,500 back, and, and from there, this guy, Patrick, took me to a place called The Beacon House 449 00:21:41,500 --> 00:21:44,900 in San Pedro, and I ended up right there at that place, and that was like a seven-month 450 00:21:44,900 --> 00:21:48,520 program, and I got introduced to the program right there, got this one sponsor, and his 451 00:21:48,520 --> 00:21:51,940 name was Dino, and Dino was this short Mexican guy about this small that came out of Skid 452 00:21:51,940 --> 00:21:56,360 Road with a flat face, you know, and I could see him in accidents, he had been in all kinds 453 00:21:56,360 --> 00:22:00,040 of things, man, and, and Dino, you know, he spoon-fed me Alcoholics Anonymous. 454 00:22:00,260 --> 00:22:03,920 Man, you know, he, Dino used to sit, he used to sit in front of the meet, right at the 455 00:22:03,920 --> 00:22:08,160 front, he had panels, he, he, he was involved in Alcoholics Anonymous, he sponsored guys, 456 00:22:08,480 --> 00:22:13,380 you know, and, and I remember he, his home group used to be at a meeting, it was a meeting 457 00:22:13,380 --> 00:22:17,120 right there in West Hollywood, the attitude adjustment meeting, you know, on Sunday mornings, 458 00:22:17,240 --> 00:22:20,200 and, all right, he took me to his, he told me he was going to take me to his home group 459 00:22:20,200 --> 00:22:23,160 meeting, and I went with him, and like I said, this is the early 90s, you know, in 460 00:22:23,160 --> 00:22:27,680 94, I think it was, and I wore this baggy pants that if I was to stand right here, you 461 00:22:27,680 --> 00:22:30,860 probably would be able to see him right now, you know, and I wore this baggy shirts, and 462 00:22:30,860 --> 00:22:35,600 boy, I'm probably weighing in like about 145 pounds, and I got all these piercings on my 463 00:22:35,600 --> 00:22:39,540 face, I just pierced my tongue, and I refused to go look for a job, because they might tell 464 00:22:39,540 --> 00:22:42,800 me to take all that shit off my face, you know, and I had this long chain, you know, 465 00:22:42,840 --> 00:22:48,080 attached to my, attached to my wallet, you know, and I mean, I look like a damn clown, 466 00:22:48,200 --> 00:22:52,200 man, you know, and, and my tongue was about that size, you know, because I mean, I just 467 00:22:52,200 --> 00:22:55,860 got it in a pierce, you know, and Dino's looking at me, you know, because the chain kept on 468 00:22:55,860 --> 00:22:59,580 getting caught in the chair, you know, and I'm trying to talk, and, and I can't talk, 469 00:22:59,620 --> 00:23:03,280 you know, because I mean, I got that thing in my, across my tongue, and he's like looking 470 00:23:03,280 --> 00:23:06,540 at me, man, he comes up with this flat face, and he tells me, man, it takes a lot of work 471 00:23:06,540 --> 00:23:10,860 to be cool, doesn't it, and I'm like, oh, man, because he see you, he's a guy like you, 472 00:23:10,960 --> 00:23:14,420 man, you don't know how to do crap, he said, you know, you don't know how to even pick 473 00:23:14,420 --> 00:23:18,500 up a broom, so that's all you have, that image, he told me, that image is going to kill you 474 00:23:18,500 --> 00:23:22,460 sooner or later, he said, dude, and I'm like, wow, man, what up with all the loving alcoholics 475 00:23:22,460 --> 00:23:26,960 anonymous, you know, and, you know, and so he said, why don't you take off all that crap 476 00:23:26,960 --> 00:23:30,580 off your face and go look for a job, you know, and that's the kind of stuff I tell my sponsees 477 00:23:30,580 --> 00:23:35,180 nowadays, man, you know, and he was right, he said, I didn't, I did not know how to do 478 00:23:35,180 --> 00:23:40,340 anything, you know, that's, that image, that's all I had, you know, and, and, and I didn't 479 00:23:40,340 --> 00:23:43,660 take it off right there and then, you know, actually, it took me a long time in order 480 00:23:43,660 --> 00:23:48,140 for me to stay sober, you know, I managed to stay sober eight months, 18 months every 481 00:23:48,140 --> 00:23:52,260 now and then, you know, and, but I refused to continue doing the program, you know, and 482 00:23:52,260 --> 00:23:52,440 I never did it again. 483 00:23:52,460 --> 00:23:58,060 I never gave this thing a full try, you know, and I remember at one point I landed in, I 484 00:23:58,060 --> 00:24:01,980 even landed on a victory outreach, man, and I saw these gangsters, you know, it's like 485 00:24:01,980 --> 00:24:06,800 praying and stuff, man, you know, and, and talking in tongues and, you know, nothing 486 00:24:06,800 --> 00:24:12,260 against religion, man, but, oh, God, and all I know how to do, speak is Spanish, English 487 00:24:12,260 --> 00:24:16,780 and bullshit, you know, and I'm, am I supposed to pretend that I'm speaking in tongues, what 488 00:24:16,780 --> 00:24:20,640 am I supposed to do, and this one guy kept on grinding my forehead and I see some gangster, 489 00:24:20,640 --> 00:24:22,440 you know, flopping like a fish, you know what I mean? 490 00:24:22,460 --> 00:24:26,000 I used to do that, you know, I used to take nitrous hits, you know, I mean, if it's gonna, 491 00:24:26,340 --> 00:24:29,900 I mean, well, you know what though, if it makes you feel that way, man, give me some 492 00:24:29,900 --> 00:24:33,180 of that Holy Spirit high, man, and there's this guy, you know, and it just didn't work 493 00:24:33,180 --> 00:24:36,380 for me once again, I'm like, you know what, maybe this guy doesn't love me, you know, 494 00:24:36,440 --> 00:24:40,420 he loves all these gangsters, you know, and killers and stuff, you know, it's like, not 495 00:24:40,420 --> 00:24:43,700 me though, I'm still a loser, you know, so I left that place, man, and like I said, I 496 00:24:43,700 --> 00:24:47,160 struggle in and out, in and out, you know, and, and, and you know what though, man, 497 00:24:47,160 --> 00:24:50,460 that whiskey always had more power over me, man, and at that time, you know, I'm just 498 00:24:50,460 --> 00:24:53,800 becoming a full-blown alcoholic, I mean, the drugs, man, that didn't play a part, I mean, 499 00:24:53,820 --> 00:24:57,140 that was not hard for me to quit, I mean, I know what it's like to slam dope and all 500 00:24:57,140 --> 00:25:00,820 this stuff, but that liquor was always there, man, and whiskey always did the job, and by 501 00:25:00,820 --> 00:25:05,160 this time, man, you know, it's the, I remember catching, I caught a case, I caught a case, 502 00:25:05,200 --> 00:25:08,900 a really bad case where I got in a fight and I beat up some guy really, really bad, man, 503 00:25:08,900 --> 00:25:12,720 and I'm looking on, I ended up in jail before, you know, they put that little piece of paper 504 00:25:12,720 --> 00:25:16,480 in front of me, in front of me that, they were going to give me seven years in prison 505 00:25:16,480 --> 00:25:20,700 for this thing, you know, and, and I remember my family, once again, you know, they bailed 506 00:25:20,700 --> 00:25:24,660 me out, you know, and I remember, kept on drinking, and, and I remember just one morning 507 00:25:24,660 --> 00:25:28,120 having that moment of clarity, man, because I woke up and nine years, ten years had passed 508 00:25:28,120 --> 00:25:32,000 by, and, you know, I'm getting a hairline, you know, I'm still stuck at my sister's house, 509 00:25:32,080 --> 00:25:36,020 she had been trying to kick me out, I didn't even have a place to stay, I used to stay 510 00:25:36,020 --> 00:25:39,540 in the back of the shed, you know, and, and, and her back there smelled like puke and, 511 00:25:39,540 --> 00:25:43,460 and pissed everywhere, because that's, that was my bathroom, you know, and, and, and my 512 00:25:43,460 --> 00:25:46,740 sister had been trying to kick me out of her house for so long, you know, and, and the 513 00:25:46,740 --> 00:25:49,940 only thing that stopped her from kicking me out was my mom, you know, every one time she's 514 00:25:49,940 --> 00:25:53,040 like, dude, you need to leave my house, she's like, she's, so people are going to, they 515 00:25:53,040 --> 00:25:56,840 think you're, you're, you're, you're like a little slow, you know, and my, my daughter's 516 00:25:56,840 --> 00:25:59,820 getting older, you know, she's bringing her friends over, they want to swim in the pool, 517 00:25:59,860 --> 00:26:02,360 but they can't because you were there, you know, they're going to think you're a perv, 518 00:26:02,360 --> 00:26:05,800 so me, like, you know, so I, I, I got my feelings hurt, so I went and told my mom, 519 00:26:05,860 --> 00:26:09,380 my mom let her have it, you know, after that, you know, and, and, you know, and she was 520 00:26:09,380 --> 00:26:13,180 right, and she was right, I mean, and that's the thing, I remember just waking up that 521 00:26:13,180 --> 00:26:17,040 day and having the shakes, you know, and I couldn't stop shaking, and, and looking at 522 00:26:17,040 --> 00:26:20,620 myself in the mirror, you know, thinking to myself, I'm up to go to prison, and I'm still 523 00:26:20,620 --> 00:26:25,080 stuck in the same spot that I was in, you know, when I was 15 years old, you know, it's 524 00:26:25,080 --> 00:26:29,420 like, and I, and I, I think that I'm not like those one alcoholics, like this one girl that's 525 00:26:29,420 --> 00:26:33,140 dying in the hospital, I think I would have been one of those in and out of this program 526 00:26:33,140 --> 00:26:36,620 till the age of 60, you know, and that's what scared the crap out of me, man, you know, 527 00:26:36,660 --> 00:26:40,520 being you at the age of 60, homeless, you know, and so this time, man, I remember getting, 528 00:26:40,580 --> 00:26:43,320 getting down on my knees and praying, I'm like, you know what, God, if what it takes 529 00:26:43,320 --> 00:26:47,420 for me is to be like Dino, you know, I'm going to try to be like, like my old sponsor, Dino, 530 00:26:47,500 --> 00:26:52,480 man, and, and that's what I've been trying to do, you know, I came in, and I got introduced 531 00:26:52,480 --> 00:26:56,080 to Bellflower Big Book Group right away, you know, and I remember going to that meeting, 532 00:26:56,080 --> 00:27:01,220 and I saw this old man from across the way that I had seen speak years ago in 1994, as a matter of 533 00:27:01,220 --> 00:27:04,740 fact, when I first got introduced to Alcoholics Anonymous, and I, his name's Johnny H, and that's 534 00:27:04,740 --> 00:27:09,440 my grand sponsor, man, I didn't know who he was, but I remember he was like the first speaker that 535 00:27:09,440 --> 00:27:13,520 I was able to listen to this man from the, all the way from the beginning to the end, and he was a 536 00:27:13,520 --> 00:27:17,540 great cheerleader for Alcoholics Anonymous, so what I mean by that, he, he made Alcoholics 537 00:27:17,540 --> 00:27:21,100 Anonymous look attractive, and I remember looking at that old man, you know what though, that's the 538 00:27:21,100 --> 00:27:25,700 guy, that's the guy that I had seen speak years ago, you know, and I might be in a good place, 539 00:27:26,080 --> 00:27:30,680 and not too long after that, you know, I ended up, you know, I just ended up seeing my sponsor 540 00:27:30,680 --> 00:27:34,500 speak at this one morning meeting in Studio City, because that's what I started doing, I started 541 00:27:34,500 --> 00:27:38,040 going to a lot of meetings, to as many meetings as I could, you know, because I wanted to stay 542 00:27:38,040 --> 00:27:43,160 sober, I did not want to go to prison, man, I'm no prison material, man, you know, and so I remember 543 00:27:43,160 --> 00:27:47,900 seeing my sponsor speak, and I asked this man to be my sponsor, and that's Larry T, you know, and 544 00:27:47,900 --> 00:27:51,900 he's a great man, he's a great man, he's a, he can be a jerk, you know, but you just need to say 545 00:27:51,900 --> 00:27:55,880 he's a great man, you know, he's actually really nice nowadays, and, but back then, 546 00:27:56,080 --> 00:27:59,160 he was, and that's what I needed, and this man, you know, just smiled when I asked him to sponsor 547 00:27:59,160 --> 00:28:02,640 me, and he's like, here's my number, he said, give me a call, so I started calling him, you know, 548 00:28:02,660 --> 00:28:07,380 and I went to go pick him up on the following weekend to go speak, and, and this guy, man, 549 00:28:07,420 --> 00:28:11,220 he was not nice, like I said, man, he just asked me straight out, man, are you willing to follow 550 00:28:11,220 --> 00:28:15,920 directions, you know, with any, without questioning me, I said, yeah, and, you know, so we started 551 00:28:15,920 --> 00:28:19,560 from right there, and, you know, and, and I was going through a lot of ups and downs during that 552 00:28:19,560 --> 00:28:23,660 period of my sobriety, you know, and the first four or five years, they were tough, man, 553 00:28:23,660 --> 00:28:28,320 and things were not going my way, nothing was, it was bad, it was really bad, you know, 554 00:28:28,440 --> 00:28:32,640 in and out of courts, and all that stuff, and I remember going through breakups, and all this 555 00:28:32,640 --> 00:28:36,120 stuff, and I remember bringing it up to my sponsor, my sponsor, you know, she just broke up with me, 556 00:28:36,280 --> 00:28:39,420 why should I do, oh, so that's great, he said, I'll see you at the Monday night meeting, make 557 00:28:39,420 --> 00:28:43,380 sure you get a commitment, click, and, you know, next thing, it's like, hey, sponsor, lost his job, 558 00:28:43,440 --> 00:28:47,200 he said, oh, you know, that's great, you know, it's like, why don't you go get an H&I panel, 559 00:28:47,200 --> 00:28:53,240 all right, click, you know, and, and next, every, and then he's like, you know, every time I brought 560 00:28:53,240 --> 00:28:57,520 something to him, man, he would, he would just give me some type of direction, you know, and, 561 00:28:57,520 --> 00:29:01,180 and Alcoholics Anonymous, he wouldn't talk, he didn't talk about whatever little problem I was 562 00:29:01,180 --> 00:29:05,260 going through, he just saw me, you know, he just refocused me into Alcoholics Anonymous, and I 563 00:29:05,260 --> 00:29:09,720 remember, I remember one time, he's like, and we ended up doing a fourth and fifth, a fifth step 564 00:29:09,720 --> 00:29:12,660 with him, and he told me, he's like, you know what, kids, he said, you're not worse than me, 565 00:29:12,660 --> 00:29:17,180 you're not any better than me, or nothing like that, we're the same, he said, we just, we just, 566 00:29:17,200 --> 00:29:21,760 we're just alcoholics, he said, and, and the only thing that's gonna work in your life is if you put 567 00:29:21,760 --> 00:29:25,940 this thing first, if you seek the kingdom first, and what he meant by that is put, put Alcoholics 568 00:29:25,940 --> 00:29:29,420 Anonymous first, he said, and once you start sponsoring, guys, you're gonna see what I'm 569 00:29:29,420 --> 00:29:33,400 talking about, and, and that picture right there, that's my favorite picture in Alcoholics Anonymous, 570 00:29:33,520 --> 00:29:37,460 I got, I got it in my kitchen, as a matter of fact, it was a gift from my sponsor, because that's the 571 00:29:37,460 --> 00:29:42,180 one thing that has worked in my life, you know, not talking about my little problems, nothing like 572 00:29:42,180 --> 00:29:46,900 that, you know, it's just that, you know, me actually helping somebody else out, 573 00:29:47,200 --> 00:29:51,200 around nine months sober, you know, and I, when I think everything was going down the hill, 574 00:29:51,260 --> 00:29:55,020 and I'm with this guy that smelled like crap, came up to me and asked me to sponsor him, limping, 575 00:29:55,140 --> 00:29:59,260 you know, and, and he became my first sponsee, and, you know, and I made it a purpose to keep 576 00:29:59,260 --> 00:30:04,180 this son of a bitch sober, man, you know, and, and I sponsored him for quite some time, 577 00:30:04,580 --> 00:30:09,620 you know, and he was a, he was a drunk, you know, he was a drunk, man, and, and you know what, 578 00:30:09,620 --> 00:30:13,680 though, man, it's like, after that, you know, it's like, a lot of things happen in my life, 579 00:30:13,800 --> 00:30:17,020 you know, and, you know, sometimes good things, and sometimes bad things, 580 00:30:17,200 --> 00:30:20,020 that's just life on life's terms, and you know what, though, but let me tell you one of the 581 00:30:20,020 --> 00:30:24,040 greatest gifts I got in my life, you know, it's this, it's actually been, the fact that I was 582 00:30:24,040 --> 00:30:28,080 able to be there for my mom before she passed away, the fact that she saw me become a man, 583 00:30:28,160 --> 00:30:32,040 the fact that she saw me actually be married to somebody else, to somebody that I met in my home 584 00:30:32,040 --> 00:30:36,240 group, you know, and taking care of business for once, not taking her money anymore, you know, 585 00:30:36,280 --> 00:30:39,960 and, and let me tell you one thing, that lady's faith was so strong, man, before she passed, 586 00:30:39,960 --> 00:30:43,080 I remember she pulled out her little purse, and, you know, her hand was, her hand was so, 587 00:30:43,080 --> 00:30:46,780 I mean, she was so fragile before she passed, man, you know, and she pulled out a little bit 588 00:30:46,780 --> 00:30:50,360 of money for her purse, and gave it to my sister, for my sister to go get her a dress, because she 589 00:30:50,360 --> 00:30:55,460 was gonna go meet her maker, she said, and she was ready, she was ready, man, and, and she used 590 00:30:55,460 --> 00:31:00,760 to grab me, my wife's hands, and, and, and, and sing her, you know, her old hymns, and stuff like 591 00:31:00,760 --> 00:31:04,280 that, because she was very religious, and you know what, I could have missed all that, I could 592 00:31:04,280 --> 00:31:08,500 have made it about myself, and that's the thing, oh, you know, except one time, I found myself 593 00:31:08,500 --> 00:31:12,920 crying, it's like, why all this, but it's not even about me, man, it's about her, just like I'm being 594 00:31:12,920 --> 00:31:16,520 there for this little girl right now, and you know what, though, and I, and I sponsor a lot of 595 00:31:16,520 --> 00:31:20,760 young guys in my home group, man, and for some reason, I attract all these young knuckleheads, 596 00:31:20,760 --> 00:31:25,280 man, and, and they all, it's like, as soon as they see one, man, it's like, oh, this one's for 597 00:31:25,280 --> 00:31:29,860 him, you know, and, and they bring him to me, you know, and, so that's been a privilege, man, 598 00:31:29,900 --> 00:31:34,280 you know, and, and like I said, I was a loser, you know, and then I got introduced, you know, 599 00:31:34,300 --> 00:31:39,120 I didn't go to prison, I did, did some jail time sober, you know, and it was okay, I managed to 600 00:31:39,120 --> 00:31:43,540 stay sober, you know, and, and I was on probation for a long time and ended up, I couldn't get a job 601 00:31:43,540 --> 00:31:48,700 anywhere, you know, and so somebody told me just to apply at my, at the union that I'm at, and that's 602 00:31:48,700 --> 00:31:53,320 the electrician's union, you know, and, and I've been with that union for the last 11 years and it 603 00:31:53,320 --> 00:31:58,380 has paid quite well, you know, supports me and my wife, you know, and, and it's, and it's all 604 00:31:58,380 --> 00:32:02,780 thanks to Alcoholics Anonymous, you know, I, I stood up and show up to that job and I get to 605 00:32:02,780 --> 00:32:06,760 apply the traditions in that job and I managed to keep that job, you know, and, and I'm talking 606 00:32:06,760 --> 00:32:09,100 early in my sobriety, I walked out of it three or four jobs. 607 00:32:09,120 --> 00:32:12,720 You know, and, because they would hurt my feelings, I'll be like, ah, screw you, you know, 608 00:32:12,780 --> 00:32:17,960 you know, and, and I'm telling you, man, I, you know, I've been a good example in this 609 00:32:17,960 --> 00:32:22,140 meanness, I've been a bad example, the one thing is I have learned to show up no matter what, 610 00:32:22,240 --> 00:32:26,380 you know, and, and, and let me tell you one thing, it's the few years ago, I almost lost my wife 611 00:32:26,380 --> 00:32:30,300 because she had a miscarriage, you know, and she couldn't get pregnant for the longest time and all 612 00:32:30,300 --> 00:32:34,580 of a sudden she, she had this baby going in one of her tubes and it burst right through it and, 613 00:32:34,580 --> 00:32:39,100 and she was, she bled to death, she was bleeding to death and, and, and, and she, 614 00:32:39,120 --> 00:32:43,420 she died pretty much and they, and after that, I was like, you know what, forget about this whole 615 00:32:43,420 --> 00:32:47,060 kid thing, I just want my wife back, I told, I told, that's what, that's what my prayer became, 616 00:32:47,140 --> 00:32:51,080 you know, and, and, and you know what though, man, it's like, and, and, and that's the thing 617 00:32:51,080 --> 00:32:54,660 though, we're going through this whole procedure right now to actually to try to foster kids and 618 00:32:54,660 --> 00:32:58,200 stuff like that, you know, there's a lot of kids that need help, I mean, that's what God put me 619 00:32:58,200 --> 00:33:02,260 right here to, I get to help somebody, some, some of those kids out, they're broken kids just like 620 00:33:02,260 --> 00:33:06,420 I was and you know what, I'm in my, and, and, and you know what, the miracles, man, like I said, 621 00:33:06,420 --> 00:33:10,500 the gifts, financial, I'm doing okay, all this stuff and like, that doesn't matter, man, for me, 622 00:33:10,740 --> 00:33:16,240 the gift is when I get a guy like Matt, you know, and broken just like I was, you know, and, and all 623 00:33:16,240 --> 00:33:20,460 he had is like, it was just like, he used to wear a slingshot, he couldn't afford, afford a haircut 624 00:33:20,460 --> 00:33:26,100 so he used to slick his hair back, he looked like the old school Dracula, you know, and, and his 625 00:33:26,100 --> 00:33:30,060 jean shorts and he used to wear his LA County slippers, you know, and all of a sudden it's like, 626 00:33:30,280 --> 00:33:35,760 I get a guy like that, you know, and I, we cracked that big book open, you know, and we put him in 627 00:33:35,760 --> 00:33:36,320 the greeting line. 628 00:33:36,420 --> 00:33:38,120 You see a transformation in that greeting line. 629 00:33:38,200 --> 00:33:42,120 A few months down the line, you know, they get a job and, you know, and by that, and then later 630 00:33:42,120 --> 00:33:46,280 on, it's like, they get to wear a suit just like I am right now and take a cake and, you know, 631 00:33:46,280 --> 00:33:51,700 those are the gifts and I get to see all these young guys, he's got seven years, he's, his wife 632 00:33:51,700 --> 00:33:55,760 to be, cause he's getting married already, you know, ask me if I could actually walk it, walk 633 00:33:55,760 --> 00:33:56,480 it down the aisle. 634 00:33:56,840 --> 00:34:00,940 You can't beat that, man, you know, and, and, and this is the family that I've created in 635 00:34:00,940 --> 00:34:04,760 Alcoholics Anonymous, man, and, and I think that's all I got to say. 636 00:34:04,900 --> 00:34:05,720 Thanks for letting me share.