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Now, I'd like to introduce our main speaker, Janet.

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Hi, I'm Janet. I'm an alcoholic, and I want to thank Carlos for asking me to come out and speak to you guys, and Oscar, and Larry for getting me all settled in, and I'm the worst, I was just going to say, I don't remember anybody's names.

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Dominique, no, just kidding. No, it really is an honor and a privilege to speak in an AA meeting. I don't take it lightly at all. I'm going to have some of this though, I've been looking at it.

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Yeah, I don't take it lightly. I mean, just walking in here tonight and seeing you guys and your faces and your excitement, I just constantly fall in love with AA.

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I remember when I was new, an old sponsor I had,

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back in New Mexico, and she said, I just can't wait until you fall in love with AA, and I thought, that is so weird.

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Like, it made no sense to me. I didn't want to be here. I didn't want to be sober.

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I had a secret in the back when I was new that, where it's read, the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking, because really deep down, I did not want to stop drinking.

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I did not want to give it up.

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And I still thought some,

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some,

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some way, somehow, maybe I wouldn't have to give it up.

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But at the time I really, I couldn't even talk and I couldn't even form sentences.

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So I just would smile and nod.

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And if I did try and talk, like the words would get all jumbled up in the wrong order.

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It was the weirdest thing.

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I don't even know what that was about, but let's see.

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So just to get the basics out, I'm 20 years sober.

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I got sober in 1998 and I have a sponsor, a home group,

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and I have a lot of friends in AA.

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And I didn't want that either.

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Like I remember when I got sober, I had a separate phone list.

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Like here are my real friends and then here are the AA friends.

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Meanwhile, none of the real friends had anything to do with me.

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And it was so sad to go through that old address book.

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Of most people, I couldn't call anymore.

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I couldn't even look them in the eye.

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I would, I was hiding from, like to this day,

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I'm still not on Facebook because I'm sure there's just too many skeletons in my closet.

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But I wasn't talking to anyone.

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I was just full flight from reality, right?

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Like I had no idea what I had found when I got here.

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And what I really had found was a whole new life.

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I had, I was pathetic.

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I, it didn't start out that way.

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You know, I had like really big plans for myself,

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but I was never normal.

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Like I remember being depressed in kindergarten,

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you know, just like right out of the chute,

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my earliest memories.

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I was uncomfortable.

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Somebody, I mean the two 10 minute speakers,

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I related to both of you.

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I was so uncomfortable in my own skin.

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From my earliest memory, it came out, you know,

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and in being mean or stealing.

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I mean, I just, I was completely maladjusted.

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You know, I remember that look on people's faces

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or my brother's face at the grocery store

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when I was a little kid and he was checking out

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and then all the makeup like fell out of my,

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my jacket or whatever that I had stolen.

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And he's just like, God, what's this wrong with you?

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You know, I mean, I didn't have to,

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it wasn't brought up that way.

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It was just like disgust, you know?

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And, and so that, I mean,

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I wish I could say that I was so messed up behind alcohol,

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that alcohol made me so effed up.

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But the truth of the matter is some of the most

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like worst things I've done,

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or like some of my worst amends I had to clean up.

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And some of the things I hate the most about myself are like,

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being sober or things that I've done sober

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are just kind of who I am, you know?

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And, but alcohol definitely,

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definitely fixed whatever was broken,

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whatever was wrong with me.

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My, I mean, I remember taking sips off

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my grandfather's drink as a kid.

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I mean, I was always trying to cop some.

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I never really acted like I loved it

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or that it was how, how good it felt

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because I just instinctually as a kid, I remember thinking,

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I better not let these people know how much I love this stuff

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because otherwise it's gonna get taken away, you know?

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So I was like very stealth about it

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before I even knew it was a problem.

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And so I would, I was always drinking like that, you know?

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And then I was the kid at the graduation parties

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and nobody really noticed or thought it was cute

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that I would stand by the keg or something

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and, and just get totally drunk by myself

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and at these, at family parties or gatherings, you know?

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And then I would just go lay in the bed

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and the room would spin and I just, it was so happy.

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Like that was, that was it.

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Like if that's as good as it got,

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like I would have been totally, totally okay.

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And, and I really shot for that forever, but you know,

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I overshot the mark from my earliest memories,

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that whole, it really never worked.

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I mean, I really overshot the mark always.

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I was throwing up, I was making a scene, I was too loud.

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I was obnoxious.

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I was getting everyone in trouble, getting everyone arrested.

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I mean, it just like, you know, it was like, you know,

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like I was definitely a liability as a friend, as anybody.

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I was always going to bring you down.

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I was never, I was untrustworthy.

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Something better came along, ditched you.

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I mean, there was nothing redeemable

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about my character at all when I was out there, you know?

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And honestly, I just wanted people to drink with.

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And if I had, if I had a little pocket of, of that,

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I was, you know, as long as I was taken care of,

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that's kind of how I felt.

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I just didn't have much regard for the people.

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And, or much need for them, except I did like company, you know?

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So I'd like to kind of have a posse to run with, but it was, there was nothing.

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I was not loyal.

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I was just, I was really not a good human at all.

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And but I, so I just went along that way.

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I remember in fifth grade, I had a club and you had to be, you had to smoke if you wanted

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to be in my club.

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I was like, why, I don't even know where that came from.

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I just, I was not the kid.

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You wanted your kid to hang out with at all.

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And and so you know, finding cigarettes on the playground or whatever, that was me taking,

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I'd find little bottles and I would go to my mom, alcohol that was in the house.

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And I would just pour a little bit out of every bottle into this, to something that

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I had.

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And that's what I would drink off of.

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And it tasted fine to me.

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I mean, I don't really, I don't, I don't think I would notice the much difference between

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like strawberry.

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Hill and a really fine wine, to be honest with you.

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Like I never could, um, they're just, it didn't matter to me.

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I really fund them.

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So it's really funny that people spend a lot of money on alcohol cause I didn't get it.

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But um, um, so, um, so that's, I mean, I was always getting in trouble, uh, that was growing

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up, um, burning through people's lives.

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I remember going to therapy at one time.

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My parents made me go.

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And, uh.

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I remember telling the therapist, like I go through friends, like people go through

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socks and, uh, I was really baffled by why my life was so empty and so lonely.

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And, um, I really didn't know it then why I was really just trying to survive.

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You know, I found that out kind of in looking at my, my alcoholism and, um, anyway, I just

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knew there was something fundamentally wrong with me, you know?

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And when I got here, um, I, I knew that I drank, I mean, I knew I was a bad drunk and

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I was more or less insanely drunk every time I drank.

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And I loved everything about it.

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If there's anything you get from my talk, I love alcohol.

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I love the smell of it, the everything.

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And, um, but I remember thinking in the back of my mind, but there's something kind of

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wrong with me.

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You know, like, um, I like that sentence.

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Like we have grave emotional, mental disorders.

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Um, and then some of us have the capacity to, to get well, if we were honest with ourselves,

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but damn, there's the honesty word.

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Like I didn't even know, truth from false anymore.

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Um, and I couldn't even tell the truth.

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I was like, I don't know.

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I don't know.

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I don't know.

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I don't know.

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I don't know.

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I don't know.

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I don't know.

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I don't know.

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I don't know.

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I don't know.

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I was like, I feel like spaghetti.

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And I'd say no.

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And then later I thought, I do.

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Why did I say that?

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Like, I couldn't even tell, I couldn't tell the truth if my life depended upon it.

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And that's the stuff that didn't even matter.

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Um, so, uh, so, so, okay.

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So, so, um, so, so that's the, that's the, that's, the, that's the stuff that I wanted

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to talk about.

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Um, and I think it's really important.

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What?

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I was in full flight, but when I got sober, I found out that once you've been sober a while

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and you start working the steps and alcohol is out of the picture, yeah, there's a lot wrong with

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us. And that's what the program's all about. Because I think if I hadn't changed, if I was

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still that person that came in, if I was still that person, honestly, my first few years of

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sobriety, there's just no way I would stay sober. There's just no way that person could live

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life on the natch without something to take the edge off. But I kept drinking.

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I don't relate. My story was like, it sort of keeps going on and on like that. I remember when

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I was new, I'd think about, I thought I would hear people's bottoms, and I always thought,

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oh, it had to be such a bad bottom to get sober. And there was like, it seemed like when I was

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new, that's all I heard was like this one thing that bottomed you out, and you ended up in AA.

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And the truth of the matter is, for me, there were things that I had done out there,

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situations I had gotten myself into, places that I was out there, that were way worse than a lot

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of people's bottoms. Like, I was going to keep on going no matter what. I was just going to

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go.

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Get Myself Up, Make My Bed, or do, you know, whatever it takes to kind of make it look

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decent on the outside. And I was just going to keep on going. There was nothing, I wasn't going

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to give up, I wasn't going to give up alcoholism, you know, I mean, my drinking for anything.

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And so I just kept on going. And somehow, I don't know why, I kept like a really clean house. Like

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if I could clean my house the next day, or if things could be spotless, for some reason,

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I felt like everything was going to be okay. And so that was like, I'm still pretty OCD,

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you know, like, you would never know a five year old lives in my house. I'm like,

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everything's just perfect for a kid. But like, like, everything's gonna be okay. No, no.

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I just started liking things neat. But um, so I, I, I bumbled along. I remember also,

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like my stories, this is just, my stories are either way too off the beam,

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to share from the podium. Like, they're just, they're just wacko stories. I guess they don't

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really fit in a general way. But um, and a lot of them, I don't remember. You know, even to this

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day, sometimes I think like, I'm the girl who I just there's pathetic stories. You know what I

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mean? I'm me and my friend of mine were laughing the other day, like if some of the people I just

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come across during the day knew where I'd been, and how I lived and what was really normal to me,

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and what still is normal to me, like nothing shocks us, right? There's really nothing that

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could shock us. I we've done it all. We've been there. We've, we've tried it. It's like no big

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deal. But most of the people that I see, like during the day, and in the course of my life,

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like just would just glaze over, even like how I feel. I remember, like, before getting sober and

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coming to AA, you know, somebody asked how I was doing. And I really told them, like, what a day

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in the life was like. And I was like, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't

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know. Like, their eyes kind of glaze over. They talk like, you should see somebody. Maybe you

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should go to the hospital. Maybe medication is for you. I mean, that's just so like a lot of

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zipping it up. I'm not going to tell these people. Keep it to my sponsor and keep it here. And,

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and I really get to just be, I just kind of get to be myself here. But I, so, so I went along,

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I drank, you know, high school, they made me go to AA.

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I remember going, having to go to 90 meetings in 90 days. Like, Alcoholics Anonymous was always

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somewhere in my life. You know, I've been sent to, for evaluations and I was just able to tell

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them just enough. And they'd say, yeah, she's depressed was the big thing. But I was always

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able to skate through it without ending up in AA or I'd come to AA. I liked you guys,

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even in high school. I thought you guys were definitely my people. I could feel it, you know,

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I just didn't want to quit drinking. I mean, that wasn't going to happen. And, and so I, I did,

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I went to college. I mean, every year I had new friends. I had to get a new apartment. Everyone

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hated me every year. I mean, at the end, if I had a new best friend, they were going to hate me

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within a year. Like it just was, it was the cycle. It was just constantly when they got to know me

224
00:13:21,060 --> 00:13:29,280
and, and, or I would just, I was just so disrespectful, you know? And then I, I remember

225
00:13:29,280 --> 00:13:36,580
what happened for me was I was out of, out of college and I was back in, I was back at home

226
00:13:36,580 --> 00:13:43,840
in New Mexico. And I, I had, I didn't so much control my drinking. It was, I knew that if I

227
00:13:43,840 --> 00:13:47,600
had one drink whatsoever, I didn't know what was going to happen. And I didn't know where it was

228
00:13:47,600 --> 00:13:51,280
going to take me. And it was never going to be good. It was going to embarrass me and everybody

229
00:13:51,280 --> 00:13:57,060
around me. So I controlled more of the environment. So I would go and make an appearance if I had to,

230
00:13:57,280 --> 00:13:59,260
and, and I would be sober. And then I would go and make an appearance if I had to. And, and I would

231
00:13:59,260 --> 00:14:04,680
go home and drink how I wanted. So everything was very compartmentalized. And, um, I related to

232
00:14:04,680 --> 00:14:10,640
this, um, 10 minute speaker about, I was a chameleon and I, I just had pockets of friends

233
00:14:10,640 --> 00:14:15,720
everywhere. And, and, um, and I did what I had to do just to survive and fit in whatever situation

234
00:14:15,720 --> 00:14:22,040
I was in. But, um, uh, I, I was living sort of like that and, and, and making things look

235
00:14:22,040 --> 00:14:27,400
good from certain angles, you know? Like I remember going to work and, um, and I would

236
00:14:27,400 --> 00:14:29,240
get to work every day because you think, oh, wow.

237
00:14:29,260 --> 00:14:35,960
I would, I never missed work, but it would be like dry heaving on my way to work every single

238
00:14:35,960 --> 00:14:40,880
day. I mean, there was just a cycle to it. And somehow I just, you know, by noon, I started

239
00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:46,500
feeling better enough for happy hour again. And I just went on and on and on. And, um, and it was

240
00:14:46,500 --> 00:14:51,060
like groundhog day, like every day was the same. And, um, I remember going to work and I was,

241
00:14:51,220 --> 00:14:55,160
you know, dressed, it was back in the day where like with pantyhose, it was more of a dressy,

242
00:14:55,160 --> 00:14:58,820
uh, situation like at work. And, um, and I was all done.

243
00:14:59,260 --> 00:15:03,180
I put rollers in my hair during the day. I remember hearing people share and I'm like,

244
00:15:03,240 --> 00:15:07,520
I always showered, you know, but not really. Cause I remember times where I thought, I

245
00:15:07,520 --> 00:15:13,040
think I can make it one more day and one more day. And so then I put curlers in my hair

246
00:15:13,040 --> 00:15:16,840
from where I could see it. I remember one day I was at the office and I worked for my

247
00:15:16,840 --> 00:15:20,900
family this time. And I remember I walked past my mom and she goes, what is wrong with

248
00:15:20,900 --> 00:15:26,220
you? And I'm thinking, what? Like I'm, I'm all put together. And it turned out like the

249
00:15:26,220 --> 00:15:29,100
back of my hair was all matted, but I was...

250
00:15:29,260 --> 00:15:34,200
It was like, like from the front, it looked just perfect, you know, but then in the back

251
00:15:34,200 --> 00:15:39,820
it was just matted. I mean, the stuff that was in that hair, I can't even imagine how

252
00:15:39,820 --> 00:15:44,760
long I, I mean, I just was kind of a master really trying to keep it together. That was

253
00:15:44,760 --> 00:15:49,140
really what it was like. And, um, and what happened for me and why I ended up getting

254
00:15:49,140 --> 00:15:54,900
sober and how it came about for me was I was, uh, uh, I had somebody attacked me one night

255
00:15:54,900 --> 00:15:59,240
when I was sleeping at my house and, um, I was able to get away, but what happened?

256
00:15:59,240 --> 00:16:04,860
What happened was I was really terrified. And so all of a sudden where I had my, my privacy,

257
00:16:04,860 --> 00:16:09,340
I can make an appearance and then go do my own life. I couldn't do that anymore because

258
00:16:09,340 --> 00:16:12,800
all of a sudden, like I couldn't even shower without someone like in the room. Cause I

259
00:16:12,800 --> 00:16:17,860
was totally terrified about this whole thing that got me all, um, got me out. Just totally

260
00:16:17,860 --> 00:16:21,840
turned everything kind of upside down and inside out for awhile. And, um, so I had to

261
00:16:21,840 --> 00:16:26,240
move back into my parents' house and, uh, they were helping me out and I was like, Whoa,

262
00:16:26,240 --> 00:16:28,680
I have to drink and I'm in somebody else's house.

263
00:16:28,680 --> 00:16:33,660
And I couldn't, all of a sudden everything was just like in my face and I would, I would

264
00:16:33,660 --> 00:16:38,380
be out just loaded, but then I'd get home and I was terrified. I couldn't walk from

265
00:16:38,380 --> 00:16:43,660
my car to the front door. So I'd have to call my mom to like be at the front door and watch

266
00:16:43,660 --> 00:16:48,700
me walk from my car in. And so anyway, the whole, the way I was living in life, it just

267
00:16:48,700 --> 00:16:57,280
really, um, collided there. And, um, and so, uh, um, one morning my dad said, uh, maybe

268
00:16:57,280 --> 00:16:58,620
you should try a 12 step meeting.

269
00:16:58,620 --> 00:17:04,480
And if he had said AA or anything, you have to imagine like my dad is the devil. So coming

270
00:17:04,480 --> 00:17:09,680
from him, like that's how desperate I was at that moment that it came from him. It didn't

271
00:17:09,680 --> 00:17:16,320
even matter, you know? And, uh, I, I, I was like, okay, I didn't think about it. I did

272
00:17:16,320 --> 00:17:21,960
call Alcoholics Anonymous that day. Um, and I, I really wasn't, um, I didn't want to stop

273
00:17:21,960 --> 00:17:27,280
drinking. I just, I don't know. Like I was at the end of my thinking. I couldn't, I couldn't

274
00:17:27,280 --> 00:17:28,280
keep working it.

275
00:17:28,620 --> 00:17:34,380
I didn't have another plan to sort of keep going. You know, I couldn't keep it up anymore.

276
00:17:34,380 --> 00:17:38,960
And, um, uh, but again, it was like, but you know, I couldn't stop drinking. That was,

277
00:17:38,960 --> 00:17:44,380
that was just crazy and too big of a thought. And so, uh, but I went to the meeting and,

278
00:17:44,380 --> 00:17:50,120
um, and, uh, and I got connected and they were enthusiastic. Like you guys were, I sort

279
00:17:50,120 --> 00:17:55,280
of, I got swept up and I couldn't talk, so I wasn't going to argue with anybody, you

280
00:17:55,280 --> 00:17:56,280
know?

281
00:17:56,280 --> 00:17:57,280
So I was like, okay, okay.

282
00:17:57,280 --> 00:17:58,280
You know, I just went.

283
00:17:58,280 --> 00:18:03,860
I remember a sponsor I'd had that adopted me or made me her sponsee or something. She

284
00:18:03,860 --> 00:18:08,620
said, you know, Janet, this program works a lot better if you're not taking any pills.

285
00:18:08,620 --> 00:18:13,540
And I'd say, okay. I mean, I wasn't taking anything at the time. I was just so done.

286
00:18:13,540 --> 00:18:19,660
I literally was so done. I remember that feeling of, of, uh, you could have told me to do anything.

287
00:18:19,660 --> 00:18:26,280
I would have done it. I, I just couldn't live like I was living anymore. And, um, and, uh,

288
00:18:26,280 --> 00:18:27,280
and so, uh, and I, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and,

289
00:18:27,280 --> 00:18:32,840
and I continue to, uh, I'm being so sick all the time, but I, um, I started to, uh,

290
00:18:32,840 --> 00:18:38,920
I just kind of started to do what you guys did. And then I, um, I got a job, a temporary

291
00:18:38,920 --> 00:18:46,920
job here in la, um, an offer. I was, I was moving and I ended up out here. And then I

292
00:18:46,920 --> 00:18:52,800
had that stalker in, out in New Mexico. Oh, that's another reason why I didn't do Facebook.

293
00:18:52,800 --> 00:18:54,700
Like you guys tell your private stuff on the internet anyway. so that was me.

294
00:18:54,700 --> 00:18:55,280
Yeah. Um, but I had to get her out of town. Um, um, something, I felt like, um, I'm trying

295
00:18:55,280 --> 00:18:56,280
to solve that guy even though he's my roommate, so, uh, so thank you.

296
00:18:56,280 --> 00:19:03,060
get out of town because of the stalker and I ended up out here and I tried going to some AA

297
00:19:03,060 --> 00:19:08,820
meetings I was telling somebody but they you guys clapped out here they didn't clap in New Mexico

298
00:19:08,820 --> 00:19:16,620
and you guys paused at a different place in the Lord's Prayer than they paused at over there and

299
00:19:16,620 --> 00:19:25,960
I thought this is I think I totally overreacted and that that this was a little extreme for what

300
00:19:25,960 --> 00:19:35,750
my problem was and so that's how it felt and then I um um I thought maybe I wrote down like a list

301
00:19:35,750 --> 00:19:42,010
of rules for myself and how I would drink this time like I wouldn't drink with anybody from work

302
00:19:42,010 --> 00:19:49,010
I was only going to drink on Friday and Saturday night um I didn't know what to do with Sundays

303
00:19:49,010 --> 00:19:53,810
because I was off but then there was Monday at work that one was like that one kind of stumped

304
00:19:53,810 --> 00:19:55,870
me when I was writing out my rules

305
00:19:56,090 --> 00:20:03,030
and um anyway within so this is how it was when I was gonna do it I was gonna control it I didn't

306
00:20:03,030 --> 00:20:07,430
know the lingo then really controlling and enjoying but I thought okay if I follow these

307
00:20:07,430 --> 00:20:13,030
rules technically I should be able to drink and I'll be okay you know I had I was in a new city

308
00:20:13,030 --> 00:20:19,430
and I could get a fresh start but like this is what it would look like I remember um I had a

309
00:20:19,990 --> 00:20:25,410
series finale like the big finale and so I thought there was a half a bottle of wine and I thought

310
00:20:26,090 --> 00:20:31,450
I have myself a glass of wine and watch Seinfeld on the couch like normal people.

311
00:20:32,050 --> 00:20:33,810
Like, doesn't that just sound nice, right?

312
00:20:34,350 --> 00:20:38,630
Never mind that I have no interest of drinking one glass of wine.

313
00:20:38,750 --> 00:20:40,410
Like, zero, none, ever.

314
00:20:40,590 --> 00:20:42,090
I don't even kid myself anymore.

315
00:20:42,190 --> 00:20:43,770
That doesn't even sound good to me.

316
00:20:44,970 --> 00:20:49,510
And so I was curled up, and you can just picture it, like a normal person, right?

317
00:20:50,090 --> 00:20:53,110
Next thing I know, it's 6.30 in the morning.

318
00:20:53,110 --> 00:20:58,810
I'm walking into my place with a different guy that my boyfriend, I remember, is like,

319
00:20:58,890 --> 00:20:59,690
this is kind of boring.

320
00:20:59,850 --> 00:21:00,630
He went to bed.

321
00:21:00,910 --> 00:21:03,290
And so I was going to stay up and enjoy my glass of wine.

322
00:21:03,630 --> 00:21:05,070
And I really liked that guy.

323
00:21:05,210 --> 00:21:06,630
Like, that was the best I had had.

324
00:21:06,670 --> 00:21:08,050
He had a real car and everything.

325
00:21:08,330 --> 00:21:12,710
Like, he had a nice car, and I was like, that way, I was happening.

326
00:21:13,010 --> 00:21:18,310
Oh, and I forgot to mention, too, that I went out on Listerine, because normal people do that, right?

327
00:21:18,710 --> 00:21:20,470
So, like, I got on my knees.

328
00:21:20,550 --> 00:21:21,970
I asked God to keep me sober.

329
00:21:22,290 --> 00:21:22,970
And then I...

330
00:21:23,110 --> 00:21:24,670
I just kept drinking the Listerine.

331
00:21:24,810 --> 00:21:26,410
I had been rinsing my mouth with it.

332
00:21:26,770 --> 00:21:29,070
And, again, that tasted fine.

333
00:21:29,430 --> 00:21:30,870
I don't know what the big deal was.

334
00:21:31,050 --> 00:21:32,610
It tasted just like alcohol.

335
00:21:32,750 --> 00:21:34,350
It tasted the same as anything else.

336
00:21:34,830 --> 00:21:37,150
And then for, like, a week, I was like, you went out.

337
00:21:37,230 --> 00:21:37,910
You didn't go out.

338
00:21:37,970 --> 00:21:38,410
You went out.

339
00:21:38,470 --> 00:21:39,370
You did not go out.

340
00:21:39,450 --> 00:21:39,910
You went out.

341
00:21:39,990 --> 00:21:40,790
Blah, blah, blah, blah.

342
00:21:40,950 --> 00:21:43,770
And then I decided, you went out, so enjoy a glass of wine.

343
00:21:43,910 --> 00:21:44,370
Over time.

344
00:21:45,110 --> 00:21:47,470
So that was, like, how that went.

345
00:21:47,470 --> 00:21:52,750
And so 6.30 in the morning, I'm coming into my place with a different guy.

346
00:21:53,110 --> 00:21:57,170
We're, like, glimpses of the night, doing some cocaine with somebody.

347
00:21:58,170 --> 00:21:59,410
No idea if I got there.

348
00:21:59,430 --> 00:22:00,270
My boyfriend was calling.

349
00:22:00,370 --> 00:22:02,770
I literally walked into my room to my phone ringing.

350
00:22:02,770 --> 00:22:06,310
Like, not even any time to think of the story.

351
00:22:06,470 --> 00:22:07,810
He's like, what happened to you?

352
00:22:08,310 --> 00:22:09,770
Oh, I just...

353
00:22:10,530 --> 00:22:11,490
I had to go.

354
00:22:12,130 --> 00:22:12,570
I don't know.

355
00:22:12,650 --> 00:22:14,770
You know how you just have to make up your stories as you go along?

356
00:22:14,870 --> 00:22:20,430
Again, back to, like, it's so much work to be, like, out there, to live that way and have a life.

357
00:22:20,530 --> 00:22:23,090
You know, it's better just to be alone, because then you don't have to explain anything.

358
00:22:23,090 --> 00:22:27,910
And then, and it happened a lot, because we didn't have cell phones back then.

359
00:22:28,090 --> 00:22:35,650
So, you know, if you got separated from your friends or whatever, you just kept on going till, like, the story ended or whatever.

360
00:22:35,950 --> 00:22:38,070
And then you find your way home somehow.

361
00:22:39,070 --> 00:22:45,490
Some pathetic somebody who's still in your life will come pick you up or just, that's just what that was like.

362
00:22:45,930 --> 00:22:50,510
But anyway, so that was me just having a glass of wine over Seinfeld.

363
00:22:50,510 --> 00:22:53,010
And then I found out later that...

364
00:22:53,090 --> 00:22:58,010
What had happened, that his roommate came home and had vodka frozen in the freezer.

365
00:22:58,230 --> 00:23:00,770
Like, I never would have thought to look for vodka in the freezer.

366
00:23:01,310 --> 00:23:02,950
Like, it never lasted that long.

367
00:23:03,190 --> 00:23:05,150
But I guess normal people will keep it in the freezer.

368
00:23:05,530 --> 00:23:06,630
And so there was that.

369
00:23:06,710 --> 00:23:08,710
And I guess I had to take some volumes of hers.

370
00:23:08,890 --> 00:23:13,370
And then, like, I just, yes, yes, yes, or whatever came my way.

371
00:23:13,430 --> 00:23:14,390
And then that's how I ended up.

372
00:23:14,410 --> 00:23:17,150
And that was when things were, like, perfect.

373
00:23:17,630 --> 00:23:19,610
I remember thinking, this is awesome.

374
00:23:19,810 --> 00:23:20,670
This guy is cute.

375
00:23:20,670 --> 00:23:21,590
He has a car.

376
00:23:21,950 --> 00:23:23,070
He has a real apartment.

377
00:23:23,210 --> 00:23:25,970
Like, his own room in a house.

378
00:23:26,450 --> 00:23:27,830
And I had a job.

379
00:23:28,110 --> 00:23:31,690
I mean, if you just check, check, check, I'd never had it so good.

380
00:23:31,910 --> 00:23:36,310
And that's the best I could do and burn that thing to the ground in one day, you know.

381
00:23:36,370 --> 00:23:40,250
And he was, you know, of course, wanted nothing to do with me after that.

382
00:23:40,330 --> 00:23:41,310
I mean, just...

383
00:23:41,310 --> 00:23:43,850
So I drank for a little bit longer.

384
00:23:44,950 --> 00:23:49,350
And then he...

385
00:23:49,350 --> 00:23:51,170
I was trying to get him back.

386
00:23:51,170 --> 00:23:52,930
And so he said, yeah.

387
00:23:53,090 --> 00:23:54,630
But you can't drink, you know.

388
00:23:54,770 --> 00:23:58,610
And then I said, well, he said, in AA, you know, you can't drink.

389
00:23:58,710 --> 00:23:59,730
Because he had known I was in AA.

390
00:24:00,110 --> 00:24:04,850
And I said, well, you can drink wine and beer in AA.

391
00:24:05,910 --> 00:24:08,130
And then he was like, oh, you can't?

392
00:24:11,370 --> 00:24:14,130
And then, like, a couple days later, he goes, you know, I checked into it.

393
00:24:14,130 --> 00:24:15,290
You're not supposed to drink anything.

394
00:24:17,170 --> 00:24:20,250
And so then I wanted to get him back.

395
00:24:20,250 --> 00:24:22,370
Because that was, like, the best thing I'd ever had.

396
00:24:22,470 --> 00:24:23,410
Like, he had a car.

397
00:24:23,410 --> 00:24:24,410
I mean, I hate to say that.

398
00:24:24,450 --> 00:24:25,870
But I dated a lot of losers.

399
00:24:26,130 --> 00:24:27,570
So he was like, a car.

400
00:24:28,070 --> 00:24:32,870
And so I came to AA to get him back.

401
00:24:33,410 --> 00:24:37,490
And, you know, like I said, there were reasons out there.

402
00:24:37,590 --> 00:24:39,190
There were bottoms that I'd had.

403
00:24:39,330 --> 00:24:41,130
There were places I woke up.

404
00:24:41,390 --> 00:24:46,530
There were places I woke up when I was 10 years old that I should have been my bottom

405
00:24:46,530 --> 00:24:49,370
and were way worse than most bottoms I've heard in here.

406
00:24:49,370 --> 00:24:52,310
I should have gotten sober when I was 10.

407
00:24:52,450 --> 00:24:53,190
And I didn't.

408
00:24:53,410 --> 00:24:59,280
And I just kept on going, trying to find a way to live.

409
00:24:59,280 --> 00:25:05,360
And so it was, who would have thought it was James that was going to do it to get him back.

410
00:25:05,880 --> 00:25:06,700
And so I came.

411
00:25:06,840 --> 00:25:09,600
And, you know, when I got to AA, I was kind of bitter.

412
00:25:09,860 --> 00:25:14,880
And I thought, this is, like, the last place, you know?

413
00:25:14,920 --> 00:25:15,980
And so I was honest.

414
00:25:16,080 --> 00:25:16,920
I told my sponsor.

415
00:25:17,120 --> 00:25:22,740
I said, I just want you to know I'm just doing this to get him back and get a little traction under my fee.

416
00:25:22,840 --> 00:25:23,480
And she said, that's fine.

417
00:25:23,480 --> 00:25:23,820
That's all right.

418
00:25:23,880 --> 00:25:24,680
I'll work with you anyway.

419
00:25:24,780 --> 00:25:28,840
I was so glad she understood alcoholism to know that that didn't matter.

420
00:25:29,280 --> 00:25:32,680
What I was doing right at this exact moment was all that mattered.

421
00:25:32,920 --> 00:25:36,980
And so I'm really grateful that she understood alcoholism like that.

422
00:25:37,320 --> 00:25:41,740
And so I did it begrudgingly and bitterly and angrily.

423
00:25:42,780 --> 00:25:47,440
Anybody who knew me when I was new, I was really pissed off.

424
00:25:47,900 --> 00:25:51,000
And so I was pissed off to be here, you know?

425
00:25:51,000 --> 00:25:53,460
I was like, being an alcoholic was bad.

426
00:25:53,840 --> 00:25:59,900
But the solution to alcoholism was just way more than I could handle.

427
00:26:00,480 --> 00:26:04,140
I was so devastated, really, to be an alcoholic.

428
00:26:04,640 --> 00:26:08,600
And there was, like, I even, I remember just grieving giving up alcohol.

429
00:26:08,760 --> 00:26:10,700
I mean, that was, like, it was everything to me.

430
00:26:10,820 --> 00:26:12,740
It was so meshed in my personality.

431
00:26:13,300 --> 00:26:16,080
I didn't even know where I started and alcoholics stopped.

432
00:26:16,280 --> 00:26:20,860
I mean, the idea, like, people would say, well, you want to go out to dinner?

433
00:26:20,960 --> 00:26:22,340
And I would think, why?

434
00:26:22,340 --> 00:26:23,440
Like, you can't.

435
00:26:23,440 --> 00:26:23,840
You can't drink.

436
00:26:23,980 --> 00:26:25,940
Why would you want to go out to dinner?

437
00:26:26,300 --> 00:26:27,820
Like, that's just lame.

438
00:26:28,140 --> 00:26:31,080
I just, like, if you can't drink, you just wanted to die, really.

439
00:26:31,420 --> 00:26:34,560
I didn't think about how you did laundry.

440
00:26:35,160 --> 00:26:37,060
Like, why would, anything.

441
00:26:37,460 --> 00:26:40,960
I mean, I never even, I drive drunk.

442
00:26:41,100 --> 00:26:42,860
I mean, drive sober, go somewhere.

443
00:26:43,020 --> 00:26:44,660
I was interested in nothing, you know?

444
00:26:44,700 --> 00:26:47,640
I just was, like, without alcohol, I was just a zero.

445
00:26:47,880 --> 00:26:48,460
There was nothing.

446
00:26:48,560 --> 00:26:50,180
It had become my everything.

447
00:26:50,460 --> 00:26:53,240
It was life itself to me, frankly.

448
00:26:53,320 --> 00:26:53,420
I don't know.

449
00:26:53,420 --> 00:26:54,500
I don't know how else to put it.

450
00:26:55,220 --> 00:26:59,820
And so I, but I stayed here just because I needed a different plan.

451
00:26:59,920 --> 00:27:03,060
I was just here to find another plan, really, a better plan.

452
00:27:03,440 --> 00:27:09,680
And as I got sober, that guy finally left me for somebody else.

453
00:27:10,040 --> 00:27:12,120
And then I had about 10 months sober.

454
00:27:12,380 --> 00:27:13,940
And I thought, why am I here?

455
00:27:14,280 --> 00:27:16,000
Like, I just did this to get him back.

456
00:27:16,200 --> 00:27:17,540
And I was at a meeting.

457
00:27:17,640 --> 00:27:21,200
I remember I was at the Saturday night meeting in Santa Monica.

458
00:27:21,200 --> 00:27:23,360
And somebody asked, like,

459
00:27:23,360 --> 00:27:24,120
why I was there.

460
00:27:24,240 --> 00:27:26,720
And, like, just after 10 months, it wasn't good.

461
00:27:26,920 --> 00:27:29,120
Because I was definitely, like, a slow bloomer.

462
00:27:29,360 --> 00:27:33,740
But I feel like at 10 months, the scale had tipped just enough that I had,

463
00:27:34,000 --> 00:27:38,740
enough had been revealed to me, just in general, that I, it was,

464
00:27:39,040 --> 00:27:41,180
I had a glimmer of what I wanted.

465
00:27:41,460 --> 00:27:43,220
And it was better than what I had had.

466
00:27:43,560 --> 00:27:45,680
It was, it was maybe a little bit of hope.

467
00:27:45,800 --> 00:27:47,800
Maybe a little bit of, maybe this could work.

468
00:27:47,980 --> 00:27:49,440
Maybe there's another way to live.

469
00:27:50,020 --> 00:27:51,480
Maybe I could get this thing.

470
00:27:51,480 --> 00:27:53,180
Like, maybe something, there was something,

471
00:27:53,180 --> 00:27:57,340
there was something here, you know, I had, I was laughing again, I was talking again.

472
00:27:57,340 --> 00:28:02,560
I remember when I was newly sober, everyone, it seemed to, it would seem like everybody

473
00:28:02,560 --> 00:28:03,560
was saying this around me.

474
00:28:03,560 --> 00:28:04,560
Oh, I don't have a job.

475
00:28:04,560 --> 00:28:05,560
I'm unemployable.

476
00:28:05,560 --> 00:28:07,560
My sponsor tells me I'm unemployable.

477
00:28:07,560 --> 00:28:11,060
And I would tell my sponsor, like, I'm unemployable.

478
00:28:11,060 --> 00:28:13,240
I can't do this anymore.

479
00:28:13,240 --> 00:28:15,680
And she's like, you're gonna work until they fire you.

480
00:28:15,680 --> 00:28:19,680
And I mean, I like kind of came to in a job that I didn't know how to do.

481
00:28:19,680 --> 00:28:22,820
I mean, I was like, in charge of, like, making multiple jobs.

482
00:28:22,820 --> 00:28:28,280
Like, multi-million dollars decisions, on credit decisions, on contractors.

483
00:28:28,280 --> 00:28:32,960
And like, I got sober and my attention span, it just shrunk to nothing.

484
00:28:32,960 --> 00:28:36,160
And I job, I had to read contracts and financial statements.

485
00:28:36,160 --> 00:28:41,000
And I would read the same paragraph over and over again, literally for days on end.

486
00:28:41,000 --> 00:28:43,200
I couldn't, nothing would sink in.

487
00:28:43,200 --> 00:28:45,700
My brain was so messed up.

488
00:28:45,700 --> 00:28:51,500
So much alcohol that I, sobriety, like, it was just, I was so overwhelmed.

489
00:28:51,500 --> 00:28:52,500
Um.

490
00:28:52,500 --> 00:28:56,060
I remember calling my friend Harmony and she would say, well, just read the first page

491
00:28:56,060 --> 00:28:57,060
and call me back.

492
00:28:57,060 --> 00:29:01,560
I mean, like, AA, seriously, like, just, they went in there.

493
00:29:01,560 --> 00:29:05,360
It wasn't like AA came and cleaned my house and did my laundry and helped me.

494
00:29:05,360 --> 00:29:10,960
But I showed up for AA and people, like, really showed up just to help me get through the

495
00:29:10,960 --> 00:29:11,960
days.

496
00:29:11,960 --> 00:29:12,960
And I remember, like, four months sober.

497
00:29:12,960 --> 00:29:13,960
I always remember this.

498
00:29:13,960 --> 00:29:14,960
Um.

499
00:29:14,960 --> 00:29:16,740
They asked me to share from the podium.

500
00:29:16,740 --> 00:29:20,960
And I knew enough in my home group, like, at four months, that nobody shares from the

501
00:29:20,960 --> 00:29:21,960
podium.

502
00:29:21,960 --> 00:29:23,420
Nobody bitched.

503
00:29:23,420 --> 00:29:25,200
It was not like a whine fest.

504
00:29:25,200 --> 00:29:27,060
And I was like, I got nothing good.

505
00:29:27,060 --> 00:29:29,060
I got nothing good to say.

506
00:29:29,060 --> 00:29:33,140
But that day, I had gotten up from my desk and made a copy.

507
00:29:33,140 --> 00:29:34,780
And then I sat back.

508
00:29:34,780 --> 00:29:35,780
That's all I did.

509
00:29:35,780 --> 00:29:38,780
Like, like, they paid me a lot of money and I was just sat there looking out the window

510
00:29:38,780 --> 00:29:40,200
and watching airplanes land.

511
00:29:40,200 --> 00:29:42,520
I couldn't do anything when I was new.

512
00:29:42,520 --> 00:29:47,740
When I got sober, like, oh, I was really just, I was a vegetable completely.

513
00:29:47,740 --> 00:29:50,960
And um, I know people were like, what's wrong with her?

514
00:29:50,960 --> 00:29:51,960
But um.

515
00:29:51,960 --> 00:29:53,860
And thought I was still, but I wasn't loaded.

516
00:29:53,860 --> 00:29:56,380
I just kind of ran out of gas.

517
00:29:56,380 --> 00:29:59,720
But I, uh, I was more like, live it in my head, I guess.

518
00:29:59,720 --> 00:30:00,720
And um.

519
00:30:00,720 --> 00:30:03,300
And so, I got up from the podium and said that I had made a copy.

520
00:30:03,300 --> 00:30:08,100
And I remember, like it was yesterday, walking back to my desk and thinking, oh my god, I

521
00:30:08,100 --> 00:30:10,420
cannot keep this up for the rest of my life.

522
00:30:10,420 --> 00:30:14,960
Like just the idea, the energy that it took me to get up and make a copy.

523
00:30:14,960 --> 00:30:15,960
Um.

524
00:30:15,960 --> 00:30:17,520
I just thought I was going to die.

525
00:30:17,520 --> 00:30:19,960
And um, I thought sobriety was going to kill me.

526
00:30:19,960 --> 00:30:20,960
I, like, I.

527
00:30:20,960 --> 00:30:21,960
I was so.

528
00:30:21,960 --> 00:30:22,960
I felt like, um.

529
00:30:22,960 --> 00:30:26,080
I felt like I just wanted to unzip my skin and go running.

530
00:30:26,080 --> 00:30:28,780
I mean, I was so uncomfortable.

531
00:30:28,780 --> 00:30:34,960
I, I, uh, I physically just, I would, I felt pain.

532
00:30:34,960 --> 00:30:39,020
And um, and so I, uh, but I didn't have anywhere else to go.

533
00:30:39,020 --> 00:30:41,080
I was still trying to figure that out.

534
00:30:41,080 --> 00:30:43,160
And um, um, I just kept doing it.

535
00:30:43,160 --> 00:30:47,400
I did things like, I would never have worn something soft like this.

536
00:30:47,400 --> 00:30:51,760
Like back in the day, I would, I would wear like those stiff, more cotton iron shirts.

537
00:30:51,760 --> 00:30:54,260
Cause I just had no oomph.

538
00:30:54,260 --> 00:30:56,740
I couldn't even hold myself up.

539
00:30:56,740 --> 00:31:01,720
And so I thought, well, um, one day in particular, I remember feeling like pretty good.

540
00:31:01,720 --> 00:31:06,160
Like the best I had been feeling, you know, and I walked, you know, from into my office

541
00:31:06,160 --> 00:31:10,200
and back to my desk and someone saw me and they're like, are you okay?

542
00:31:10,200 --> 00:31:13,800
And I'm thinking, she's like, that was the best.

543
00:31:13,800 --> 00:31:15,220
Like what do I look like?

544
00:31:15,220 --> 00:31:19,760
Like I couldn't, I couldn't, um, get any traction under my feet.

545
00:31:19,760 --> 00:31:20,760
Like, um, sober.

546
00:31:20,760 --> 00:31:27,440
I mean, I just couldn't, I, for me, like, I feel like everything even got worse.

547
00:31:27,440 --> 00:31:31,780
It was like alcohol was this glue that hold, held me together.

548
00:31:31,780 --> 00:31:38,540
And um, after I stopped drinking, things got way worse before they got better.

549
00:31:38,540 --> 00:31:44,520
And um, I was really grateful that I heard that in my, uh, in my home group and in meetings,

550
00:31:44,520 --> 00:31:50,300
um, that, that alcohol, um, for alcoholics, that alcohol was the solution.

551
00:31:50,300 --> 00:31:52,980
Um, because it rang true to me.

552
00:31:52,980 --> 00:31:58,240
If I, I think if I hadn't heard that, I, I probably would've thought this isn't it either

553
00:31:58,240 --> 00:32:05,100
because I felt so bad without alcohol and, um, I couldn't think, I just, um, and I felt

554
00:32:05,100 --> 00:32:06,260
sick and stuff.

555
00:32:06,260 --> 00:32:10,020
So for a long time, probably like a year, I didn't really feel good.

556
00:32:10,020 --> 00:32:13,620
But, um, like I said, super slow bloomer and so depressed.

557
00:32:13,620 --> 00:32:14,620
Oh my gosh.

558
00:32:14,620 --> 00:32:16,980
I thought I was going to die.

559
00:32:16,980 --> 00:32:19,780
And, um, and, um, but I kept on coming.

560
00:32:19,780 --> 00:32:21,700
I started having belly laughs here.

561
00:32:21,700 --> 00:32:23,880
I started laughing with you guys.

562
00:32:23,880 --> 00:32:26,440
You guys started laughing at my crazy stories.

563
00:32:26,440 --> 00:32:29,080
I was laughing at yours.

564
00:32:29,080 --> 00:32:33,600
And um, I remember sitting next to somebody one time who was with her boyfriend.

565
00:32:33,600 --> 00:32:35,760
She had brought him there obviously.

566
00:32:35,760 --> 00:32:37,660
And the speaker was really funny last night.

567
00:32:37,660 --> 00:32:38,660
I mean that night.

568
00:32:38,660 --> 00:32:42,580
And we were just really cracking up and I leaned over and I said, wasn't he funny?

569
00:32:42,580 --> 00:32:44,740
And she goes, I don't think he was funny at all.

570
00:32:44,740 --> 00:32:48,460
I was like, okay, she's a little too close to the.

571
00:32:48,460 --> 00:32:49,460
She's a little too close.

572
00:32:49,460 --> 00:32:55,620
She was not the alcoholic, you know, and, um, and like, I just feel like that the laughter

573
00:32:55,620 --> 00:33:01,220
is so healing here that, that we get, um, even to this day, like, uh, uh, we can be

574
00:33:01,220 --> 00:33:06,100
down in the dumps, you know, um, they, my sponsor had me calling three women a day when

575
00:33:06,100 --> 00:33:07,100
I was new.

576
00:33:07,100 --> 00:33:11,020
And, um, you were very unlucky if you got my one call, cause I'm like, I'm just filling

577
00:33:11,020 --> 00:33:12,020
my quota.

578
00:33:12,020 --> 00:33:18,300
My sponsor said to call three people and it's you and, uh, I mean, seriously, I, I love

579
00:33:18,300 --> 00:33:19,300
it.

580
00:33:19,300 --> 00:33:20,300
I love it.

581
00:33:20,300 --> 00:33:21,300
I love it.

582
00:33:21,300 --> 00:33:22,300
I love it.

583
00:33:22,300 --> 00:33:23,300
I love it.

584
00:33:23,300 --> 00:33:24,300
And I've never met new people like that.

585
00:33:24,300 --> 00:33:25,300
Cause I totally, I just know, you know, and some people get so offended.

586
00:33:25,300 --> 00:33:29,800
Um, in fact, when I got to my nine step, my sponsor's like, let's make amends to everyone

587
00:33:29,800 --> 00:33:32,660
in our home group, cause this is where you have to live for awhile.

588
00:33:32,660 --> 00:33:37,260
And it was just like, people really took us seriously.

589
00:33:37,260 --> 00:33:39,540
You know, like I look at them like, oh, they're new.

590
00:33:39,540 --> 00:33:40,540
Like I get it.

591
00:33:40,540 --> 00:33:43,200
But, um, anyway, and I, I was very good at faking it.

592
00:33:43,200 --> 00:33:46,300
I remember my sponsor telling me like, Janet, you need to tell people what's going on with

593
00:33:46,300 --> 00:33:47,300
you because you look really good on the outside.

594
00:33:47,300 --> 00:33:52,780
on the outside. Because I was still faking it and showing it for my job and still trying to

595
00:33:52,780 --> 00:34:00,300
make it look really good on the outside. But I was so messed up on the inside. I was so,

596
00:34:00,420 --> 00:34:08,380
so not right. But I made those three phone calls a day. And I made friends here. And what I did

597
00:34:08,380 --> 00:34:17,400
and what worked for me was I built a life here in AA that, you know, I could say I lost a lot

598
00:34:17,400 --> 00:34:24,100
of things, you know. I screwed up a lot of things. I remember one time my dad had, he put, I don't

599
00:34:24,100 --> 00:34:30,280
know, he probably put like $500,000 into a software program developing that he had had. And I was the

600
00:34:30,280 --> 00:34:36,120
face of it. So I was going to, I was taking it out to market and showing it and doing presentations

601
00:34:36,120 --> 00:34:38,360
all over the country. And I was like, I'm going to do this. And I was like, I'm going to do this.

602
00:34:38,360 --> 00:34:45,280
I had gotten, and I remember the way I even got people together back then. That was when I reached

603
00:34:45,280 --> 00:34:50,060
out and I talked to like the main person that could really make this thing come together. And

604
00:34:50,060 --> 00:34:54,600
he's like, this is great stuff. Are you going to the cocktail party later? And I'm like, oh no,

605
00:34:54,660 --> 00:34:59,160
I won't be there. Like back then, before, it was like, oh, I don't go to cocktail parties with

606
00:34:59,160 --> 00:35:05,140
people like from work. Because I would end up sleeping with you and everybody else. Like where

607
00:35:05,140 --> 00:35:08,100
it went. Like that's, I didn't, I knew that.

608
00:35:08,360 --> 00:35:14,480
So that was back then. And I, I put together, I remember we were all getting together in Chicago

609
00:35:14,480 --> 00:35:19,620
and we had like the heads of five or six insurance companies, which, you know, it was just a miracle

610
00:35:19,620 --> 00:35:24,060
if you know the business and it was going to really streamline them. And I was going to do

611
00:35:24,060 --> 00:35:30,400
a presentation and I had, I was so prepared. It was such a big deal. And one, I, the developer

612
00:35:30,400 --> 00:35:35,000
gave me some last minute updates that I was kind of going through in my room and someone came by

613
00:35:35,000 --> 00:35:38,060
my room and was like, have you ever tried beer? And, um,

614
00:35:38,360 --> 00:35:48,260
tomato juice or a beer in V8 juice? No, I never have. So I had to try it. And then, uh, there went

615
00:35:48,260 --> 00:35:55,860
that, you know, the, the mini bar was empty. I was so sick and hungover. I was late. I, I, I walked

616
00:35:55,860 --> 00:36:01,280
into the room. Everybody's there waiting. I ruined the whole presentation. How do you make amends for

617
00:36:01,280 --> 00:36:07,300
that? How do you fix that? Like, how do you go back and, and, and, um, and do that? So, um, I

618
00:36:07,300 --> 00:36:08,440
heard a lot of people out there. I heard a lot of people out there. I heard a lot of people out there.

619
00:36:08,440 --> 00:36:13,100
I mean, that was like a big dream of theirs that they had put together. And, um, and it took a lot

620
00:36:13,100 --> 00:36:17,100
of time to get to that point, you know, and there was really nothing wrong. It just, who wouldn't

621
00:36:17,100 --> 00:36:23,240
try V8 and beer if you've never tried it before? And someone suggested it. And how harmless is

622
00:36:23,240 --> 00:36:33,350
that? It's like a vegetable. So I didn't know. I, I, I just, um, I, I, I just, I'm like the,

623
00:36:33,910 --> 00:36:38,050
maybe with V8, it won't, doesn't count. Like that counteracts, whatever.

624
00:36:38,470 --> 00:36:47,180
But, um, it was actually really good. So if you go out, you should try it. Um, but so, um, that was,

625
00:36:47,300 --> 00:36:55,040
I don't have like a very exciting story. Kind of pathetic. It's good. I don't drink. I'm loud.

626
00:36:55,120 --> 00:37:03,460
Like I said, obnoxious. Um, um, and totally unpredictable. Okay. So, um, but I kept doing

627
00:37:03,460 --> 00:37:08,300
it because I had nowhere else to go as I got sober. And the longer I got sober, the more I realized

628
00:37:08,300 --> 00:37:16,320
how pathetic, how messed up I was, how good I had it. And, um, and once I got a taste of recovery

629
00:37:16,320 --> 00:37:21,940
and once I started doing the steps and once, um, and I, I was one who like did amends, like not

630
00:37:21,940 --> 00:37:26,980
believing I wrote an honest inventory. Like I wrote it all because you're an AA, like you're

631
00:37:26,980 --> 00:37:31,280
at the bottom end of the block. Like it doesn't get any worse than this. Just be honest. I mean,

632
00:37:31,280 --> 00:37:36,460
I put stuff on there, like my fifth step after doing it, I was like, I should not have said all

633
00:37:36,460 --> 00:37:37,920
that. But, um,

634
00:37:38,300 --> 00:37:44,880
I, uh, I would make amends to people that, um, I did things contrary to what I felt even making

635
00:37:44,880 --> 00:37:48,460
amends to people. I didn't even know I had heard them. And they would, um, they would say back to

636
00:37:48,460 --> 00:37:52,760
me, yeah, you were really bad. And I think I was like, I was still shocked to hear it. I was still

637
00:37:52,760 --> 00:37:59,780
somehow the truth came out in the steps and doing it. And, um, and now, uh, I have built a life

638
00:37:59,780 --> 00:38:06,680
here. My best friends are here. Um, um, I hate to talk about so much for me. It's not about like

639
00:38:06,680 --> 00:38:08,180
the, oh, the kids.

640
00:38:08,300 --> 00:38:11,900
I'm gonna pick a fence and I got married and blah, blah, blah, because the truth of the matter is for

641
00:38:11,900 --> 00:38:17,340
me, um, I didn't have a lot of that for a long time. And I think, uh, in AA, I don't think we're

642
00:38:17,340 --> 00:38:20,900
protected from life, you know, cause there's divorce and I have friends who have lost children.

643
00:38:20,900 --> 00:38:27,660
And I don't think that, that, um, that things like that equal my sobriety, that that doesn't

644
00:38:27,660 --> 00:38:33,100
define it. And that's not what, what makes it great. Um, I think the extent to which I can

645
00:38:33,100 --> 00:38:38,280
let go and the extent to which I can, I can enjoy and live and bask in the love of God,

646
00:38:38,300 --> 00:38:45,180
and the gifts, and at the same time, um, walk through loss and heartbreak and everything else

647
00:38:45,180 --> 00:38:50,960
with dignity. What, what AA has given me really was, is a way to live. It's given me, um, no matter

648
00:38:50,960 --> 00:38:58,040
what, um, I have tools here today that will get me through absolutely anything. I have seen it here

649
00:38:58,040 --> 00:39:05,080
or I've experienced it here. And to me, that's, that's what we have come upon this, like the

650
00:39:05,080 --> 00:39:08,280
great solution here, you know, and you can call it, you know, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the,

651
00:39:08,300 --> 00:39:15,040
um, whatever you want, but it's a, it's a, it's a way of life. And so for me, I, I just, I hold on

652
00:39:15,040 --> 00:39:20,760
to it for dear life because, um, doing it my way and meditation like three days ago, the daily out

653
00:39:20,760 --> 00:39:26,340
of the 24 hour book was, um, something like, uh, I'm just going to do it God's way today because

654
00:39:26,340 --> 00:39:32,040
when I do it my way, I just mess it up, you know? And I do, I, I mess up everything, um, that I try

655
00:39:32,040 --> 00:39:38,080
and just control and manage and, and whatever, but I'm, um, I will forever be grateful just to,

656
00:39:38,300 --> 00:39:43,200
to be taught how to live here because I, uh, I had no idea. I didn't get the rule book.

657
00:39:43,640 --> 00:39:49,580
Uh, I don't get people who do. I see my son even like doing things that are just thoughtful.

658
00:39:50,340 --> 00:39:55,220
That's so weird. I didn't even, I didn't know. I didn't have anything about that, um, in me,

659
00:39:55,220 --> 00:40:01,300
but I find even now at 20 years, I do find more and more that my first instinct, my first reaction

660
00:40:01,300 --> 00:40:08,160
is kind and good and awesome. And like, who is that girl? I mean, I'm really still like,

661
00:40:08,160 --> 00:40:13,920
two people trudging this road, but, um, but I'm very grateful to be here. I'm humbled to be a

662
00:40:13,920 --> 00:40:19,880
member of Alcoholics Anonymous. If you're new, I hope you get to stay here. Um, it ha it, it's not

663
00:40:19,880 --> 00:40:25,860
easy to, to do this thing, but it's, um, for me, I just no other way, you know, I tried really

664
00:40:25,860 --> 00:40:28,520
everything else. And so I'm grateful to be here. Thank you.