1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:05,600 Can you see me? I wore heels because I had a feeling. I'm Theresa. I'm an alcoholic. 2 00:00:05,600 --> 00:00:10,560 I'd like to welcome the newcomers who are here and the birthday people. Congratulations 3 00:00:10,560 --> 00:00:16,940 to you. You know, I'm an alcoholic and I found out through Alcoholics Anonymous that it really 4 00:00:16,940 --> 00:00:23,200 isn't my fault. It's also today is 420. I thought that was quite early. So if you were 5 00:00:23,200 --> 00:00:29,860 hoping if 25 years ago you asked me to go blow a big fat one, I would join you. I was 6 00:00:29,860 --> 00:00:34,760 quite in love with that stuff and I wasn't talking about anything sexual in that. So 7 00:00:34,760 --> 00:00:40,460 that might have been a prelude to it, but I don't know. Anyway, um, you know, I, I'm 8 00:00:40,460 --> 00:00:45,440 here to tell you what it was like, what happened and what it's like now. And, um, I got a lot 9 00:00:45,440 --> 00:00:50,100 of help from my sister who is not an alcoholic. She asked me if I had written my speech yet 10 00:00:50,100 --> 00:00:55,200 and I said, no, we don't write speeches. You come up here and tell it from the cuff. We 11 00:00:55,200 --> 00:00:59,840 tell it from our heart and we ask God to help. And that's really basically all that is. 12 00:00:59,840 --> 00:01:03,600 I told another friend I was doing it and he's a public speaker and he started giving me, 13 00:01:03,600 --> 00:01:10,560 he texts me all the ways to speak in a public and I'm like, they're not alcoholics. So what 14 00:01:10,560 --> 00:01:17,120 I do is just tell you what it was like. Um, it is my story. And, um, you know, thank you 15 00:01:17,120 --> 00:01:21,300 to the main, the two speakers who spoke, they really told a lot of my story. And so I'm 16 00:01:21,300 --> 00:01:26,200 really don't have to say much because I could just leave because they really did tell my 17 00:01:26,200 --> 00:01:27,740 story. But cause I did feel a little like something was wrong, but not that much. Um, 18 00:01:27,740 --> 00:01:28,740 it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, 19 00:01:28,740 --> 00:01:37,600 but not until it really, I started to really take it all in. And, well, I can tell you 20 00:01:37,600 --> 00:01:42,480 that, um, my father was a functioning alcoholic. He put a little in his coffee in the morning 21 00:01:42,480 --> 00:01:48,000 in his thermos. He put a little in his thermos. He had a little Scotch when he got home every 22 00:01:48,000 --> 00:01:53,180 night. And that was, that was it, you know, Paul mall cigarettes all the time, my mother 23 00:01:53,180 --> 00:01:58,640 was not so much an alcoholic at all. And, um, and they got together in the fifties. 24 00:01:58,640 --> 00:02:04,600 So, you know, when she told me this story, she thought she knew I was having trouble, 25 00:02:04,720 --> 00:02:05,740 but she told me the story. 26 00:02:05,840 --> 00:02:09,420 She said, and this is very intimate, but it changes. 27 00:02:09,860 --> 00:02:12,600 Anyway, she said the honeymoon night, she was very confused. 28 00:02:12,720 --> 00:02:13,920 She didn't know what was going on. 29 00:02:14,180 --> 00:02:19,600 And so my father was upset and she's like, should we cancel the wedding? 30 00:02:19,880 --> 00:02:22,020 You know, should we end it now? 31 00:02:22,100 --> 00:02:25,900 And he said, no, we'll take you to the doctor tomorrow and we'll have the doctor talk to 32 00:02:25,900 --> 00:02:28,280 you about sex and what it was like and everything. 33 00:02:28,640 --> 00:02:32,260 And she said, are we going to have to bring back the wedding presents? 34 00:02:32,440 --> 00:02:33,540 That's what I'm concerned about. 35 00:02:33,780 --> 00:02:39,940 I tell you that because 13 years later and eight children later, they sort of figured 36 00:02:39,940 --> 00:02:42,060 it out and they figured it out really well. 37 00:02:42,420 --> 00:02:43,720 I have an older sister. 38 00:02:43,960 --> 00:02:46,540 She's a little bit taller than me, blonde and blue eyed. 39 00:02:46,600 --> 00:02:48,940 And then I have two older brothers and four younger brothers. 40 00:02:48,940 --> 00:02:56,300 So I grew up basically in this locker room with the smell of sock perfume and athletics 41 00:02:56,300 --> 00:02:58,540 all over the place and a lot of fighting. 42 00:02:58,640 --> 00:03:03,100 There was a lot going on with those brothers and I was the tomboy and my sister was not. 43 00:03:03,200 --> 00:03:03,960 She was the princess. 44 00:03:04,700 --> 00:03:08,740 And so I was trying to fit in with those guys all the time. 45 00:03:08,800 --> 00:03:12,680 And I tell this story all the time that, you know, they lived across the hall in the boys 46 00:03:12,680 --> 00:03:18,180 room and my sister would sneak out at night and I put pillows in her, we had bunk beds, 47 00:03:18,300 --> 00:03:19,740 of course, there was so many of us. 48 00:03:20,220 --> 00:03:24,780 And there was bunk, I'd put pillows in and she'd sneak out and go to the library. 49 00:03:25,080 --> 00:03:28,540 And I would, I would sneak out of my room and sit outside. 50 00:03:28,540 --> 00:03:32,660 The boys room listening to them talk because all I wanted was to be a part of them. 51 00:03:32,780 --> 00:03:34,520 And I just wanted to be a part of that. 52 00:03:34,680 --> 00:03:39,100 And they would say things like, you can't come in here, we're pitching tents. 53 00:03:39,320 --> 00:03:41,220 And I didn't know what they were talking about. 54 00:03:41,540 --> 00:03:45,880 And I would adamantly tell them, I can pitch a tent too. 55 00:03:46,040 --> 00:03:48,300 And they go, not like this, you can't. 56 00:03:48,600 --> 00:03:53,600 And it was a constant, constant story that they were telling me all sorts of things that 57 00:03:53,600 --> 00:03:55,680 I didn't know what they were talking about. 58 00:03:55,680 --> 00:03:58,340 And so I wanted to fit in all the time. 59 00:03:58,340 --> 00:04:01,800 And I would fight with them and I'd walk with them and I'd talk with them and I'd try. 60 00:04:02,220 --> 00:04:05,680 And so my language is a little bit off cuff all the time. 61 00:04:05,860 --> 00:04:13,020 So because I grew up with these boys, you know, just these boys, and I was not really 62 00:04:13,020 --> 00:04:17,380 all that great of a sportsman, but I was definitely much better than many of the women in here. 63 00:04:17,460 --> 00:04:21,080 I got to tell you, I didn't, it was like, all right, Teresa, you're playing, get up, 64 00:04:21,160 --> 00:04:23,080 get off the bench, get off the couch, let's go, we need you. 65 00:04:23,080 --> 00:04:24,100 And I'd be like, what? 66 00:04:24,220 --> 00:04:26,240 No, no, don't put me in the outfield. 67 00:04:26,340 --> 00:04:27,640 And the ball would hit me in the head. 68 00:04:27,840 --> 00:04:28,320 But I went. 69 00:04:28,340 --> 00:04:31,940 I wound up becoming quite athletic, but I did become a gymnast and a cheerleader. 70 00:04:32,220 --> 00:04:38,440 And I was captain of the cheerleaders because I had so many, you know, so much athleticism. 71 00:04:38,440 --> 00:04:44,900 But I did get kicked off from cheerleading in my senior year for drinking at the games. 72 00:04:45,040 --> 00:04:46,660 So it did show up. 73 00:04:46,780 --> 00:04:51,960 And the other thing that it started, I mean, Avery talked about the alcohol on the gums. 74 00:04:52,240 --> 00:04:54,820 You know, that was part of, that was just medicinal. 75 00:04:55,180 --> 00:04:58,320 You know, that was what they knew of medicine back then, how to get the kids quiet. 76 00:04:58,680 --> 00:05:02,360 And then with my father, he was, he would get really angry at us. 77 00:05:02,460 --> 00:05:06,260 He was not a violent drunk, but he, we did get popped. 78 00:05:06,460 --> 00:05:08,100 I got to say, we did get popped. 79 00:05:08,240 --> 00:05:09,060 We did get hit. 80 00:05:09,260 --> 00:05:12,860 We did get the finger poking in the chest and you will listen to me. 81 00:05:13,300 --> 00:05:17,940 And my brothers learned from that and they learned to beat up on each other. 82 00:05:17,940 --> 00:05:21,560 And they learned to beat up on me until they did try to hit me. 83 00:05:21,720 --> 00:05:24,840 And then I would beat the crap out of them if they touched me. 84 00:05:25,120 --> 00:05:27,000 And my father would come in, what are you doing? 85 00:05:27,080 --> 00:05:27,980 You're hitting your sister. 86 00:05:28,340 --> 00:05:31,180 And they go, but, but dad, she tried to kill us. 87 00:05:31,220 --> 00:05:32,060 She tried to kill us. 88 00:05:32,120 --> 00:05:33,580 Well, that's why you don't hit your sister. 89 00:05:33,680 --> 00:05:34,380 She'll kill you. 90 00:05:35,720 --> 00:05:43,480 So, so I, I had this weird upbringing, you know, of, of males and watching sports all the time. 91 00:05:43,580 --> 00:05:46,000 I never knew you didn't have to watch sports all the time. 92 00:05:46,000 --> 00:05:47,600 I still watch sports all the time. 93 00:05:47,960 --> 00:05:52,100 I don't know that you're not supposed to know all the football players or all the teams. 94 00:05:52,180 --> 00:05:53,000 I didn't know that. 95 00:05:53,220 --> 00:05:55,120 And my sister was off being the princess. 96 00:05:55,340 --> 00:05:56,200 She was just off. 97 00:05:56,460 --> 00:05:57,280 She was gone. 98 00:05:57,400 --> 00:05:57,900 She was five. 99 00:05:57,980 --> 00:05:59,300 She was five years older than me and she was gone. 100 00:05:59,520 --> 00:06:02,820 And at one point, my parents won this trip to Florida. 101 00:06:02,960 --> 00:06:05,960 We're from New York and there was a lot of large families in there. 102 00:06:06,040 --> 00:06:10,840 I can say I'm Irish Catholic, but I don't consider myself doomed Catholic. 103 00:06:11,180 --> 00:06:16,720 I, it was really more of a healthy upbringing and thank God there was some spirituality in our family 104 00:06:16,720 --> 00:06:21,200 because that was something that graced my mother and she was very good to us. 105 00:06:21,520 --> 00:06:25,660 She was very kind to us, but I can say we did get popped once in a while from my dad. 106 00:06:25,660 --> 00:06:27,540 And I learned right away. 107 00:06:27,540 --> 00:06:40,340 You know, like if he's, if he's going to get at us, if he calls us all out into the living room at, you know, some midnight or something and because somebody's done something wrong and he's, he's mad at us, just start crying. 108 00:06:40,340 --> 00:06:42,800 It will save you from getting smacked upside the head. 109 00:06:42,900 --> 00:06:48,240 So I learned that right away and all anything emotional to me now, I start crying right away. 110 00:06:48,340 --> 00:06:49,960 So that's something trained to me. 111 00:06:50,440 --> 00:06:57,500 Anyway, my father liked, my parents liked having a Manhattan on the weekends on Sunday, on Sunday afternoon. 112 00:06:57,540 --> 00:07:07,760 After church and my, he taught me the, getting the glass cold and how to drink and, you know, and how the ice would melt and then he would pour it in there. 113 00:07:07,840 --> 00:07:16,000 And my brother taught me that when we took the glass back to the kitchen to eat the ice, because it had such a beautiful taste to it. 114 00:07:16,040 --> 00:07:24,320 And I remember crunching on that ice and that was kind of my introduction to what alcohol was, that nice sensation of burn to it. 115 00:07:24,320 --> 00:07:27,320 When I got into high school, it became a puking experience. 116 00:07:28,300 --> 00:07:31,000 And it was a totally different experience. 117 00:07:32,140 --> 00:07:36,020 I can tell you that when I really, I never wanted to drink. 118 00:07:36,100 --> 00:07:37,020 I never wanted to smoke. 119 00:07:37,080 --> 00:07:41,640 And my parents moved me to Florida, moved my whole family to Florida. 120 00:07:41,780 --> 00:07:46,360 There was 10 people in a car without air conditioning in July and they burned. 121 00:07:46,520 --> 00:07:52,340 We stopped in Virginia and burnt to a crisp because we were all these East Coast ghosts and they burnt us to crisp. 122 00:07:52,340 --> 00:07:54,860 And then we got back in the car and it was like, don't do that to me. 123 00:07:55,040 --> 00:07:56,280 You know, it was just terrible. 124 00:07:56,660 --> 00:07:57,460 It was terrible. 125 00:07:58,300 --> 00:08:02,840 But we got to Florida, we moved there and it was culture shock. 126 00:08:03,060 --> 00:08:10,980 Welcome to Rednecks and there's my Texas friend back there shaking his hand up and down relating. 127 00:08:11,820 --> 00:08:18,380 And from New Yorkers who talk like this and said Brooklyn and New York like this, like this and say it again, say it again. 128 00:08:18,480 --> 00:08:19,760 Let me hear you talk like that. 129 00:08:19,760 --> 00:08:23,160 And I was trying to fit in. 130 00:08:23,240 --> 00:08:26,320 I went to three different middle schools in three years. 131 00:08:26,460 --> 00:08:27,500 But then I wound up. 132 00:08:27,580 --> 00:08:28,440 Becoming a cheerleader. 133 00:08:28,680 --> 00:08:36,060 But what happened was what I had dreamed of and had envisioned for my life in New York was not going to happen in Florida. 134 00:08:36,180 --> 00:08:40,840 And I kind of gave up all those goals, all those things that I said that I'm not going to smoke. 135 00:08:40,920 --> 00:08:41,660 I'm not going to drink. 136 00:08:41,700 --> 00:08:43,400 I'm not going to do any of that stuff. 137 00:08:43,680 --> 00:08:51,960 And I went over to a friend's house and she and there was a lot of different there was wealthy people like Jupiter Island is where Tiger Woods lives. 138 00:08:52,260 --> 00:08:54,640 And so do a lot of other wealthy people. 139 00:08:54,860 --> 00:08:56,800 And we were 20 miles from there. 140 00:08:57,100 --> 00:08:57,500 So there was. 141 00:08:57,700 --> 00:09:07,680 A lot of wealthy kids that went to our school and there were some really poor kids that went to our school who didn't understand who liked to wash their hands because they didn't have real water pumping into their house. 142 00:09:07,680 --> 00:09:11,360 So it was things like that that we were that I was, you know, coming into. 143 00:09:11,460 --> 00:09:12,240 So it was very different. 144 00:09:12,400 --> 00:09:18,620 So I went over to Jan Reed's house and she had white shag, white, white carpets on her floor. 145 00:09:18,700 --> 00:09:19,760 And it was a girl's party. 146 00:09:19,820 --> 00:09:24,340 And her brother came home and we were doing all sorts of silly things that girls do. 147 00:09:24,620 --> 00:09:27,480 And I was vice president of the student. 148 00:09:27,640 --> 00:09:30,280 Council teenager of the month that year. 149 00:09:30,280 --> 00:09:33,480 And I was the captain of the cheerleaders. 150 00:09:33,480 --> 00:09:35,820 So I was quite hotsy totsy. 151 00:09:35,920 --> 00:09:40,080 So I got invited and they were going to drink Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill. 152 00:09:40,200 --> 00:09:42,200 I still remember it on white carpet. 153 00:09:42,200 --> 00:09:45,660 And we were sitting around and we were playing these silly games. 154 00:09:45,760 --> 00:09:47,040 I don't know, with cards or something. 155 00:09:47,140 --> 00:09:50,700 And her brother came in and he introduced me to 420. 156 00:09:50,960 --> 00:09:55,980 And he was the most handsome, handsome man I've ever seen to this day. 157 00:09:56,600 --> 00:09:57,460 And well, not to this day. 158 00:09:57,620 --> 00:09:59,240 I mean, I've seen lots of people. 159 00:09:59,540 --> 00:10:03,380 So anyway, but he was so handsome and he introduced. 160 00:10:03,500 --> 00:10:06,500 And I said, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. 161 00:10:06,500 --> 00:10:07,580 And said it a million times. 162 00:10:08,260 --> 00:10:09,000 Don't worry. 163 00:10:09,180 --> 00:10:11,320 You don't get stoned the first time. 164 00:10:11,560 --> 00:10:13,220 You don't, you can't hold it in. 165 00:10:13,260 --> 00:10:14,280 You won't hold your breath. 166 00:10:15,200 --> 00:10:20,460 And by the time the Strawberry Hill started to take effect, I said yes. 167 00:10:20,580 --> 00:10:21,800 And it worked right away. 168 00:10:22,040 --> 00:10:23,220 You know, I was on. 169 00:10:23,340 --> 00:10:24,940 The next day, screw everything. 170 00:10:25,420 --> 00:10:26,680 This is the way to live life. 171 00:10:26,680 --> 00:10:29,420 Why don't people live like this all the time, every day? 172 00:10:29,720 --> 00:10:31,000 What's wrong with my parents? 173 00:10:31,120 --> 00:10:32,180 What's wrong with everybody? 174 00:10:32,540 --> 00:10:33,480 We're going to school. 175 00:10:33,780 --> 00:10:34,580 Who's got it? 176 00:10:34,680 --> 00:10:35,560 Who's got alcohol? 177 00:10:35,780 --> 00:10:36,480 Who's got this? 178 00:10:36,580 --> 00:10:37,160 Where are we going? 179 00:10:37,280 --> 00:10:38,540 And I mean, my whole life changed. 180 00:10:38,880 --> 00:10:39,780 We would sneak out. 181 00:10:39,880 --> 00:10:41,360 We would, we would skip school. 182 00:10:41,620 --> 00:10:43,360 And in Florida, there's a lot of bugs. 183 00:10:43,460 --> 00:10:43,920 I'm laughing. 184 00:10:44,060 --> 00:10:45,920 There's a mosquito that showed up for me today. 185 00:10:46,080 --> 00:10:49,260 But there's things called chiggers in the ground. 186 00:10:49,580 --> 00:10:52,700 And if you sit for long enough, it gets into your skin. 187 00:10:53,140 --> 00:10:56,440 And then we would skip school and we would be drinking and all this stuff. 188 00:10:56,440 --> 00:10:56,660 And then we would go to school. 189 00:10:56,660 --> 00:10:59,500 And then we'd go down there and be scratching all day long. 190 00:10:59,780 --> 00:11:02,360 Just how do we get rid of this chigger stuff, you know? 191 00:11:02,700 --> 00:11:06,540 And anyway, so I wound up, you know, partying through high school. 192 00:11:06,720 --> 00:11:10,840 And I almost failed 10th grade because I was skipping school so much. 193 00:11:10,960 --> 00:11:14,760 And they called me and they said, you know, you've got two days and you fail 9th, 10th grade. 194 00:11:14,840 --> 00:11:17,880 And I couldn't go back to my parents and shame them like that. 195 00:11:18,140 --> 00:11:21,420 I had already been caught shoplifting, which was enough shame. 196 00:11:21,540 --> 00:11:24,040 And now I just couldn't do it. 197 00:11:24,040 --> 00:11:26,500 And so I made the decision, which, you know, 198 00:11:26,660 --> 00:11:31,280 it's her, the girl I'm hanging out with, not me, the girl who's inside of me. 199 00:11:31,480 --> 00:11:33,820 So I decided not to hang out with her anymore. 200 00:11:33,820 --> 00:11:36,140 But I found other people who did the same thing. 201 00:11:36,220 --> 00:11:38,340 But I did wound up getting through school. 202 00:11:38,560 --> 00:11:40,500 And I did graduate high school. 203 00:11:40,640 --> 00:11:42,060 But I didn't know what to do. 204 00:11:42,300 --> 00:11:44,320 You know, I had no idea what to do. 205 00:11:44,540 --> 00:11:45,760 I was so confused. 206 00:11:45,760 --> 00:11:50,600 And I remember my mind shifting in high school as to this really wasn't my plan. 207 00:11:50,600 --> 00:11:55,280 I thought I was going to be, you know, it, successful, you know, somebody great. 208 00:11:55,380 --> 00:11:56,600 I was going to get one of those superpowers. 209 00:11:56,660 --> 00:12:01,400 You know, soon to be somebody great, or something, or something. 210 00:12:01,480 --> 00:12:06,300 And I wound up moving to California because my sister had moved to California. 211 00:12:06,460 --> 00:12:08,260 And I brought everything with me. 212 00:12:08,260 --> 00:12:13,060 You know, like we, they, they gave us so much marijuana to cross the border. 213 00:12:13,060 --> 00:12:15,780 There was, there was a joint for every state I crossed. 214 00:12:15,780 --> 00:12:18,320 And there was alcohol and there was everything. 215 00:12:18,320 --> 00:12:22,220 And we, me and my brother just, we were best of friends and we crossed all the way over. 216 00:12:22,880 --> 00:12:26,540 And I got to California thinking everything would be great. 217 00:12:26,660 --> 00:12:29,500 And that I was going to go to school, and I did. 218 00:12:29,500 --> 00:12:32,420 I took piano and art classes and ballet. 219 00:12:32,420 --> 00:12:36,200 And I did not take math or science or anything that was important. 220 00:12:36,560 --> 00:12:42,020 And when I, and I kind of, my brothers were physical with me. 221 00:12:42,020 --> 00:12:44,000 You know, they were, they were very physical with me. 222 00:12:44,000 --> 00:12:48,440 And I thought that was the reason that I couldn't have relationships with men. 223 00:12:48,440 --> 00:12:50,400 I mean, I did have a relationship with a guy. 224 00:12:50,400 --> 00:12:56,520 And of course he hit me because I was, I could be antagonistic, I guess, but you know, my 225 00:12:56,520 --> 00:12:58,080 brother had me down on the ground. 226 00:12:58,080 --> 00:13:03,040 He was shoving my head into the ground and he, and I said, I'm leaving, I'm moving, I'm 227 00:13:03,040 --> 00:13:04,040 getting out of here. 228 00:13:04,040 --> 00:13:07,180 And I moved to New York within three months I was gone. 229 00:13:07,180 --> 00:13:11,280 And then I was on my own because I said, you know what, my family, this is upsetting me, 230 00:13:11,280 --> 00:13:14,160 but my family will not follow me to the snow. 231 00:13:14,160 --> 00:13:15,640 They like good weather. 232 00:13:15,640 --> 00:13:21,020 And so I went to New York, back to where I was from, and I met with old friends. 233 00:13:21,020 --> 00:13:26,360 And you know, this girl said, I said, I feel like I'm going to recovery or something because, 234 00:13:26,360 --> 00:13:28,300 you know, I'm not smoking or drinking anymore. 235 00:13:28,300 --> 00:13:32,100 And this woman turned and looked to me and she had been in recovery where she was in 236 00:13:32,100 --> 00:13:33,100 Al-Anon. 237 00:13:33,100 --> 00:13:36,060 So she knew a lot of people in recovery and she just looked at me and she goes, do you 238 00:13:36,060 --> 00:13:37,060 need someone to talk to? 239 00:13:37,060 --> 00:13:39,180 And I was like, oh no, no, no, no. 240 00:13:39,180 --> 00:13:42,420 But I related to the first speaker, I'm sorry, I forgot your name. 241 00:13:42,420 --> 00:13:46,740 Because when I was in California, I constantly was, there's something wrong. 242 00:13:46,740 --> 00:13:47,800 I don't know what's wrong. 243 00:13:47,800 --> 00:13:48,800 There's something wrong. 244 00:13:48,800 --> 00:13:53,420 And I'd be walking around, crying my eyes out through a field of flowers and everything. 245 00:13:53,420 --> 00:13:55,120 And it should be a beautiful day. 246 00:13:55,120 --> 00:13:56,360 And I'd be crying my eyes out. 247 00:13:56,360 --> 00:13:57,620 Going, there's something wrong. 248 00:13:57,620 --> 00:14:01,400 And I remember a doctor walking by saying, you should not be crying like that. 249 00:14:01,400 --> 00:14:02,600 You should not be that upset. 250 00:14:02,600 --> 00:14:04,980 I don't know what's hurting you, but get some help. 251 00:14:04,980 --> 00:14:09,580 And I was like, I just cried more, you know, I just kept crying. 252 00:14:09,580 --> 00:14:10,860 I cried all the time. 253 00:14:10,860 --> 00:14:15,340 And I knew, and I, and when I got to New York, I really realized that I had been abused by 254 00:14:15,340 --> 00:14:16,340 my brothers. 255 00:14:16,340 --> 00:14:19,980 And I thought that that was, that was the problem, that the abuse was the problem. 256 00:14:19,980 --> 00:14:21,740 And that was what was hurting me. 257 00:14:21,740 --> 00:14:26,260 But anyway, after like a couple of years, my father passed and I said, you know, and 258 00:14:26,260 --> 00:14:31,400 I went, I had moments of sobriety and I had, I would not drink for a long time and I would 259 00:14:31,400 --> 00:14:33,240 not smoke for a long time. 260 00:14:33,240 --> 00:14:40,500 I smoked cigarettes like crazy, but I did, you know, was really trying to keep it together. 261 00:14:40,500 --> 00:14:45,380 But you know, it was like that gripping the arm rest, you know, trying to be sober. 262 00:14:45,380 --> 00:14:51,100 And when I got to, um, and my father passed and I said, you know, he had a good time drinking 263 00:14:51,100 --> 00:14:52,100 and smoking. 264 00:14:52,100 --> 00:14:53,100 I'm going to do that. 265 00:14:53,100 --> 00:14:54,440 I'm just going to do that from now on. 266 00:14:54,440 --> 00:14:55,440 And within three years. 267 00:14:55,440 --> 00:14:56,160 Yeah. 268 00:14:56,160 --> 00:14:57,160 I had no intervention. 269 00:14:57,160 --> 00:14:58,160 I had been walking around. 270 00:14:58,160 --> 00:15:02,000 I remember I got to a point where I didn't want to go up into my apartment because I 271 00:15:02,000 --> 00:15:03,100 knew what was up there. 272 00:15:03,100 --> 00:15:07,580 I knew because if you think that alcohol was not my problem, I had a box of wine, which 273 00:15:07,580 --> 00:15:09,080 was classy. 274 00:15:09,080 --> 00:15:13,340 I had Bacardi, which was really classy. 275 00:15:13,340 --> 00:15:17,680 I had, um, Bailey's, which I didn't think had alcohol in it. 276 00:15:17,680 --> 00:15:18,680 I'm 30. 277 00:15:18,680 --> 00:15:21,040 I was in my thirties and I didn't think it had alcohol in it. 278 00:15:21,040 --> 00:15:25,340 I'm like, um, I was definitely losing brain cells quickly, quickly. 279 00:15:26,160 --> 00:15:29,200 And I had Samuel Adams, which I loved. 280 00:15:29,200 --> 00:15:30,200 Oh my God. 281 00:15:30,200 --> 00:15:31,200 I love Samuel Adams. 282 00:15:31,200 --> 00:15:36,660 And, um, I would live in that little apartment and wonder when things were going to get better. 283 00:15:36,660 --> 00:15:38,460 And I would think of all these things I would do. 284 00:15:38,460 --> 00:15:42,420 And I would have conversations with God and God wanted my advice. 285 00:15:42,420 --> 00:15:47,420 He was very happy that I was giving him suggestions, what, what to do. 286 00:15:47,420 --> 00:15:51,160 And I was sitting there intoxicated, staring at my foot. 287 00:15:51,160 --> 00:15:56,040 I don't know if any of you remember staring at your foot with your foot up. 288 00:15:56,040 --> 00:16:00,200 And just sitting there staring and going, I wonder when I'm going to pick that piece 289 00:16:00,200 --> 00:16:01,660 of paper up. 290 00:16:01,660 --> 00:16:03,460 Not now. 291 00:16:03,460 --> 00:16:07,760 And I didn't want to go up there anymore because, and I, that's where I lived. 292 00:16:07,760 --> 00:16:12,640 And anyway, um, this girl who I walked down the communion aisle with in New York, I was 293 00:16:12,640 --> 00:16:13,640 friends with her family. 294 00:16:13,640 --> 00:16:15,840 There was 13 in her family, eight in my family. 295 00:16:15,840 --> 00:16:16,840 We were very close. 296 00:16:16,840 --> 00:16:18,280 We all knew each other. 297 00:16:18,280 --> 00:16:23,320 And she picked me up for, um, I don't, I forget what it's called, one of those speaker meetings 298 00:16:23,320 --> 00:16:25,080 where somebody speaks. 299 00:16:25,080 --> 00:16:31,760 Where you're not like a AA, but they're learning how to be speakers. 300 00:16:31,760 --> 00:16:33,020 And she was going to take me there. 301 00:16:33,020 --> 00:16:35,680 She had just had her hip replaced. 302 00:16:35,680 --> 00:16:36,680 Say it again. 303 00:16:36,680 --> 00:16:37,680 Toastmasters. 304 00:16:37,680 --> 00:16:38,680 Thank you. 305 00:16:38,680 --> 00:16:40,720 So we were going to Toastmasters to see this friend of hers. 306 00:16:40,720 --> 00:16:43,320 Her brother Tony was taking me, was driving. 307 00:16:43,320 --> 00:16:45,720 They had the childproof locks on the back. 308 00:16:45,720 --> 00:16:48,900 She had just had her hip removed, so I couldn't crawl over. 309 00:16:48,900 --> 00:16:54,520 And they proceeded to give me an intervention that was like the hellish experience I've 310 00:16:54,520 --> 00:16:56,080 ever, ever experienced. 311 00:16:56,080 --> 00:16:58,260 It was, I was so pissed off at them. 312 00:16:58,260 --> 00:17:01,460 I couldn't believe that they were suggesting these things to me. 313 00:17:01,460 --> 00:17:04,280 I cursed at them up one side and down the other. 314 00:17:04,280 --> 00:17:08,360 And they proceeded for me to tell them their, to, to tell their story, tell my story, tell 315 00:17:08,360 --> 00:17:09,960 my story and keep telling me. 316 00:17:09,960 --> 00:17:11,560 And they were repeating it and repeating it. 317 00:17:11,560 --> 00:17:12,700 And they said, you know what? 318 00:17:12,700 --> 00:17:14,000 So this is your choices. 319 00:17:14,000 --> 00:17:16,140 You're going to stop and talk to this girl. 320 00:17:16,140 --> 00:17:19,400 You have three days to either stop and talk to this girl or we're going to put you in 321 00:17:19,400 --> 00:17:20,400 a psych ward. 322 00:17:20,400 --> 00:17:23,300 And I'm like, all right. 323 00:17:23,300 --> 00:17:24,420 You are going to. 324 00:17:24,420 --> 00:17:28,820 You are going to talk to this girl or you can go to some meetings. 325 00:17:28,820 --> 00:17:33,300 You can go to a meeting every day for three days and introduce yourself and gets over. 326 00:17:33,300 --> 00:17:35,860 And I'm like, yeah. 327 00:17:35,860 --> 00:17:41,700 And or you can, there was all these suggestions that, that I could do and I didn't do any 328 00:17:41,700 --> 00:17:42,700 of them. 329 00:17:42,700 --> 00:17:46,160 And on the third day I started getting auditory hallucinations. 330 00:17:46,160 --> 00:17:49,820 I don't know how that happened, but they are not the committee. 331 00:17:49,820 --> 00:17:52,820 It's a lot worse than the committee. 332 00:17:52,820 --> 00:17:53,820 It's crazy. 333 00:17:53,820 --> 00:17:56,880 You are talking in your head. 334 00:17:56,880 --> 00:18:00,180 And I thought they had done it to me and they didn't. 335 00:18:00,180 --> 00:18:02,820 It was just coincidence, I guess. 336 00:18:02,820 --> 00:18:03,820 I don't know. 337 00:18:03,820 --> 00:18:07,680 But it got really bad and it was 24 hours a day, 24-7. 338 00:18:07,680 --> 00:18:10,640 This Julie keeps looking around the model. 339 00:18:10,640 --> 00:18:15,640 It was 24-7 and they kept telling me to jump out the window and kill myself. 340 00:18:15,640 --> 00:18:19,080 And so I went to the, I wound up asking for help. 341 00:18:19,080 --> 00:18:22,180 They took me to a therapist who I thought was a therapist. 342 00:18:22,180 --> 00:18:23,140 It was a psychiatrist. 343 00:18:23,140 --> 00:18:28,800 for 10 days. And I said, oh no, no, I'm fine. I'm really fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. 344 00:18:28,800 --> 00:18:34,140 And then three orderlies came in. They took my purse. They took my stuff. They walked me in, 345 00:18:34,420 --> 00:18:39,780 slammed the door. A lady in white came walking up and said, she looked so like an angel. And she 346 00:18:39,780 --> 00:18:46,140 said, don't worry. We'll protect you. Don't worry. Don't be afraid. They're just, they're okay. Like 347 00:18:46,140 --> 00:18:51,420 all the other people in the psychiatric ward. And I said, that's okay. Because my family members 348 00:18:51,420 --> 00:18:56,420 were quite like this. So I didn't tell you that I have a brother who is bipolar. My oldest brother 349 00:18:56,420 --> 00:19:04,680 is bipolar. My sixth brother has schizophrenia quite severely, but he's still going around. My 350 00:19:04,680 --> 00:19:12,040 fifth brother was severely alcoholic and bipolar. And my eighth brother is bipolar. I somehow didn't 351 00:19:12,040 --> 00:19:18,780 expect this to happen to my life. And I was like, when that door slammed, I said, yeah, that's not 352 00:19:18,780 --> 00:19:20,900 me. Whatever I've been doing with my life. 353 00:19:21,420 --> 00:19:26,580 I'm obviously doing the wrong thing. And I haven't drank or smoked or done anything like that 354 00:19:26,580 --> 00:19:33,440 since then, which was June 13th, 1995. So I'm going to be 24 years over. I'm 23 years over, 355 00:19:33,540 --> 00:19:37,640 but I will be hitting that mark. I didn't say that. I do have a home group. It's the two same. 356 00:19:37,740 --> 00:19:47,260 I forgot you're supposed to tell those things. So anyway, my first meeting was in the psych ward 357 00:19:47,260 --> 00:19:50,580 and the woman had, didn't have any shoelaces that was with me 358 00:19:50,580 --> 00:19:51,400 because she had to go to the psych ward. And I had to go to the psych ward. And I had to go to the 359 00:19:51,400 --> 00:19:58,100 I tried to commit suicide by jumping off the Tappan Zee Bridge. And they told their story and I 360 00:19:58,100 --> 00:20:02,600 related, but I didn't go to meetings. I went to about six meetings in a year and a half. And I 361 00:20:02,600 --> 00:20:07,940 had voices in my head the whole time. And I really thought that I could do this on my own. And I 362 00:20:07,940 --> 00:20:12,720 couldn't. And the voices finally said, you need to see a psychiatrist and you need to go to a 363 00:20:12,720 --> 00:20:17,800 meeting. And I went to a psychiatrist and I went to a meeting. And it was the voice of a priest who 364 00:20:17,800 --> 00:20:21,380 had been following me around in my head for, for a long time. He was very anxious. He was very 365 00:20:21,400 --> 00:20:27,040 handsome in his, in his collar and everything. And he looked really cute. And so I listened to 366 00:20:27,040 --> 00:20:30,940 him and I thought it was going to be the thorn birds and he was coming for me. And then he 367 00:20:30,940 --> 00:20:38,680 would eventually show up and take care of me. And he didn't come and take care of me. And so I took, 368 00:20:38,960 --> 00:20:44,900 I, I used to, I started, I started going, I lived in Oceanside. I moved from New York to Oceanside. 369 00:20:44,960 --> 00:20:48,500 My brother came and got me. He's like, there's something wrong with you. I'm coming to get you 370 00:20:48,500 --> 00:20:51,380 right now. And he flew to Newark and I got out of there. And I was like, I'm going to go to a meeting. 371 00:20:51,400 --> 00:20:55,080 And he got out of the plane. I mean, he got out of the plane and we turned around and drove back. 372 00:20:55,180 --> 00:20:59,940 I mean, that was it. It was like fly and then drive 3000 miles with my car. And he, he asked 373 00:20:59,940 --> 00:21:04,400 me if I wanted to smoke. He asked me if I wanted a drink. And I said no every time. And I thought 374 00:21:04,400 --> 00:21:07,980 somebody was listening to me. Somebody was around me. That's lights are talking to me, that 375 00:21:07,980 --> 00:21:11,660 everything's talking to me. There's somebody recording me at any time now. Somebody's going 376 00:21:11,660 --> 00:21:17,240 to be recording me. Somebody's recording me anyway. And I was really scared and I was really sick. I 377 00:21:17,240 --> 00:21:21,360 was so sick. And I started going to the Catholic church down there. 378 00:21:21,400 --> 00:21:26,640 St. Mary's by the sea. And I started, um, saying the rosary after church. And I was, 379 00:21:26,880 --> 00:21:31,460 while I was saying the rosary after about a month, um, I could hear myself say the rosary 380 00:21:31,460 --> 00:21:37,920 and the voices had stopped. And I was like, oh my God. And it got quiet for the first time in like 381 00:21:37,920 --> 00:21:43,900 19 months. And I went down to, um, I went out and got my car. I was on my way to work. And I talked 382 00:21:43,900 --> 00:21:48,380 to the voices. I started talking to the voices. I used to curse God and everything. And they'd go, 383 00:21:48,380 --> 00:21:51,380 she's cursing God now. She's talking now. She's talking to us. 384 00:21:51,400 --> 00:21:56,320 Oh, she's talking back to us. And whatever, however it was, Rosie O'Donnell and Clinton was 385 00:21:56,320 --> 00:22:02,760 there and all these people were there talking. It was crazy. Anyway. So I said, I don't know what to 386 00:22:02,760 --> 00:22:06,820 do now that the voices are gone. And he goes, you want to hear voices your rest of your life? The 387 00:22:06,820 --> 00:22:13,880 voice said that. And I said, no. And, um, he said, turn the radio on. And I think it was the Beatles 388 00:22:13,880 --> 00:22:20,120 started playing, let it be. And I just started crying. And it was just this one kind of coincidence 389 00:22:20,120 --> 00:22:20,960 of, you know, I'm going to cry. I'm going to cry. I'm going to cry. I'm going to cry. I'm going to cry. 390 00:22:20,960 --> 00:22:26,860 You know, this calming song came over me and I started to feel better, but I cried because I 391 00:22:26,860 --> 00:22:32,700 cried a lot. I cried. I, it was like two years before I stopped crying and sobriety and maybe 392 00:22:32,700 --> 00:22:37,160 because I wasn't going to meetings. But, um, I remember the first time I stopped crying, I said, 393 00:22:37,320 --> 00:22:40,880 that's the first miracle. It was like three days and I hadn't cried. And I'm like, oh my God, 394 00:22:40,920 --> 00:22:46,900 a miracle occurred. Anyway. So the voices went away. I got a sponsor. She, I went to a meeting 395 00:22:46,900 --> 00:22:50,940 and the leader of the meeting came walking in the next day to where I was making, 396 00:22:50,960 --> 00:22:57,120 smoothies at 38 years old going, this is sucks. And I don't know how I did this to my life. This 397 00:22:57,120 --> 00:23:03,100 is just me making these smoothies and juices. And, and I was in charge and they'd say, is it 398 00:23:03,100 --> 00:23:09,120 something I said? And I'm like, it's the voices in my head. And it was just crazy. Anyway, I was 399 00:23:09,120 --> 00:23:14,680 so nuts. And, um, somehow he kept writing me up, but he wouldn't fire me. And I'm like, just fire 400 00:23:14,680 --> 00:23:19,320 me, please. But I wound up going back to school, which was something that I'd always wanted to do. 401 00:23:19,480 --> 00:23:20,940 And I would have breakdowns. 402 00:23:20,960 --> 00:23:27,080 Number two pencils and scantrons and things that I just wasn't aware of. And, um, it was all very, 403 00:23:27,140 --> 00:23:33,320 very, very hard, but I wound up graduating. I wound up, um, it took me years. And when she 404 00:23:33,320 --> 00:23:37,760 wrote down the list of all the things I had to do, I'm like, I'm going to be really old when I 405 00:23:37,760 --> 00:23:43,020 finished this. She said, you're going to get old anyway, honey, just go ahead and do it. So I became 406 00:23:43,020 --> 00:23:49,920 a teacher and I became a high school teacher out in Paris, which is, um, Menifee Riverside area. 407 00:23:49,920 --> 00:23:50,940 And it wasn't, 408 00:23:50,960 --> 00:23:54,800 it wasn't the best area. And I was a terrible high school teacher because by this time I'm 409 00:23:54,800 --> 00:23:58,840 starting to go through menopause and all the girls are starting men, you know, their menstruation 410 00:23:58,840 --> 00:24:05,120 period. So it's not a good blend. And in fact, when there's over a hundred personalities that 411 00:24:05,120 --> 00:24:10,200 I'm working with every day, and I have that many of my own, it's really not good. Just wasn't a 412 00:24:10,200 --> 00:24:16,200 good experience. And, um, they were, they were just teenage boys, you know, and they were putting 413 00:24:16,200 --> 00:24:20,940 condoms on the erasers and condoms on the doorknobs and condoms on the floor. And I was like, I'm going 414 00:24:20,960 --> 00:24:22,960 to be a teacher. And I'm going to be a teacher, but I'm going to be a teacher. And they don't, 415 00:24:22,960 --> 00:24:24,960 they don't do it. And I'm going to be a teacher. And I went to the bathroom and I put the phone 416 00:24:24,960 --> 00:24:27,960 and I got so pissed off. One time I took, put the gloves on, you know, the emergency gloves that we 417 00:24:27,960 --> 00:24:32,640 all have, teachers have for blood or something. And I took that thing off and I took the bathroom 418 00:24:32,640 --> 00:24:37,720 pass and I put it on and I slammed it onto the wall. And I said, there's your bathroom pass. 419 00:24:37,720 --> 00:24:44,320 You want to use it? Because I was crazy. I was still crazy. Anyway, an M80 went off in my 420 00:24:44,320 --> 00:24:50,060 classroom one day. It wasn't a good day and it scared the bejesus out of me. And it also brought 421 00:24:50,060 --> 00:24:50,900 the voices back. 422 00:24:51,020 --> 00:24:56,380 which was not good and they were coming because I wasn't I wasn't I didn't want to take the 423 00:24:56,380 --> 00:25:01,880 medication I didn't feel that that was part of Alcoholics Anonymous and you know I have a severe 424 00:25:01,880 --> 00:25:08,240 illness you know it's not good and um so anyway this M80 goes off in my classroom the kids are 425 00:25:08,240 --> 00:25:14,300 diving under the desk kids are yelling and um all this it was just a nightmare and I was in charge 426 00:25:14,300 --> 00:25:20,200 why was I in charge of this I don't know this is not what I do I don't do this and um I took two 427 00:25:20,200 --> 00:25:25,080 days off for work I took one day off after the day like a Monday because I was just really 428 00:25:25,080 --> 00:25:30,080 shattered and then I went back to work and I got halfway through the day and I had this this 429 00:25:30,080 --> 00:25:34,200 breakdown in the classroom and I'm crying and I'm like standing in front of everybody in a podium 430 00:25:34,200 --> 00:25:38,760 talking and everybody's got their eyes on me and they're like she's crying and she's losing her 431 00:25:38,760 --> 00:25:43,940 mind in the classroom and I'm like I walked out and I was going to keep going I was just going 432 00:25:43,940 --> 00:25:49,980 to keep going and I came back and I went to I went to I called the the secretary and I said you got 433 00:25:49,980 --> 00:25:50,180 to get me out of here I'm like I'm going to get you out of here I'm like I'm going to get you out 434 00:25:50,180 --> 00:26:18,680 And I went down to HR and I said, you know, this happened and I've lost two sick days and I want my sick days back. And they're like, we're risk management and we should have brought you in right away. We're really sorry. And we're going to send you to urgent care. And I'm like, good, because I was, it was coming back. It was all coming back. And so they took, gave me five weeks off. I went to a psychiatrist. I went to a psychologist. I went for, and I have voices in my head and she goes, you have panic attacks and anxiety. 435 00:26:18,680 --> 00:26:47,760 And you've probably had them your whole life. And I said, that's why I'm not married. I could never go up to a guy in my life that I liked and tell him that I liked him. I just couldn't do it. And here I am 50, 50 some years old. And by the end of that year, I sold my house that I bought for $80,000. Thank you very much. And $100 down through HUD because I was a teacher and I sold it for over $200,000. And I feel really good about that. 436 00:26:47,760 --> 00:26:48,360 Anyway. 437 00:26:48,900 --> 00:27:06,040 Anyway, I moved to Los Angeles because I had wanted to be a writer and I studied at UCLA for a little while. And then I got my master's degree online in creative writing and English. And I live over here in Sherman Oaks. And you know what? I love my life. 438 00:27:06,040 --> 00:27:18,880 I wound up looking for a job as a high school teacher and I couldn't get a job. And I was like, I always did this. You know, God, what, what, what, God, what, why can't I do this? You know, why can't I answer the questions for the interview? Why can't I do? 439 00:27:18,900 --> 00:27:20,640 I said, this is your fault. Your fault. 440 00:27:20,640 --> 00:27:26,360 and then I got this email and the email said would you like to be an elementary theater teacher 441 00:27:26,360 --> 00:27:33,220 and I said I would like to interview for that position and I got this job it's it's it's 442 00:27:33,220 --> 00:27:38,200 difficult and it's the most fun I ever had because I was the kid that was on the porch dancing up and 443 00:27:38,200 --> 00:27:42,080 down doing all these things I was you know the cheerleader that we didn't have dance though so 444 00:27:42,080 --> 00:27:47,840 I was the one jumping up and down in front of everybody and so I was like so I went in I 445 00:27:47,840 --> 00:27:54,640 interviewed and then and this was the interview we're going to offer you the position okay and so 446 00:27:54,640 --> 00:28:00,660 now I get to say to little five-year-olds let me see you be a duck things like that and here we go 447 00:28:00,660 --> 00:28:08,020 gingerbread man and things like that and it's really fun and that was grace from God now I have 448 00:28:08,020 --> 00:28:16,180 this crazy neighbor and this neighbor is as nuts as I was and she doesn't take her medicine and she 449 00:28:16,180 --> 00:28:17,300 slams the door 450 00:28:17,300 --> 00:28:17,800 you 451 00:28:17,800 --> 00:28:17,820 you 452 00:28:17,820 --> 00:28:17,840 you 453 00:28:17,840 --> 00:28:24,460 and she the other night which this is the norm this is the norm she got in a fight with her 454 00:28:24,460 --> 00:28:29,300 boyfriend and the dog got out and so she's screaming at one o'clock in the morning she's 455 00:28:29,300 --> 00:28:34,480 screaming for Sandy the dog and she's screaming and she's making slamming throwing things all 456 00:28:34,480 --> 00:28:39,340 over the place and after a while I went nine one one and I'm like you know what I really should 457 00:28:39,340 --> 00:28:43,620 go out there and tell her my story because you know she needs to know my story I should just 458 00:28:43,620 --> 00:28:47,820 go out there and tell her and so I'm like I'm just gonna go do it so I go out there and I'm 459 00:28:47,820 --> 00:28:48,260 cool stuff here is 460 00:28:48,260 --> 00:28:48,540 out there and 461 00:28:48,540 --> 00:28:49,080 okay 462 00:28:49,080 --> 00:28:52,140 and I break into the room and I open the door because I don't think the police have come 463 00:28:52,140 --> 00:28:56,140 and I'm any one of them in my neighborhood maybe but like a加 team and go out there and I open the 464 00:28:56,140 --> 00:28:58,900 door because I don't think the police have come and I don't think they're coming and there's nine 465 00:28:58,900 --> 00:29:04,560 police officers and they're like we're assessing the situation man please step back inside your 466 00:29:04,560 --> 00:29:09,800 house Mike she thanks for coming out and I was up till about three in the morning and I'm really 467 00:29:09,800 --> 00:29:13,680 concerned about her so that I'm just telling you that because that's what my that's that's my big 468 00:29:13,680 --> 00:29:17,780 problem today is my neighbor because I don't have problems I've gone through you know I have you know 469 00:29:17,780 --> 00:29:24,580 15 pounds that extra that's underneath it. I'm kind of financially having some issues, but you 470 00:29:24,580 --> 00:29:29,480 know what, that's going to be taken care of. But I have this wonderful job. I mean, I have been 471 00:29:29,480 --> 00:29:37,680 graced by God that I recovered from alcohol and drugs. And alcohol and drugs gave me this crazy 472 00:29:37,680 --> 00:29:42,820 mind, you know, like my friend Annie, she's like, so what happened with your family? And I'm like, 473 00:29:42,820 --> 00:29:48,500 I don't know. I don't know. But I'm really grateful that I'm here today and that I can 474 00:29:48,500 --> 00:29:54,800 tell my story. It's, you know, I've done the steps three times with three different sponsors. 475 00:29:55,100 --> 00:30:03,360 I've enjoyed it. I get something out of it every time I do it. I am so grateful that God has given 476 00:30:03,360 --> 00:30:08,840 me Alcoholics Anonymous. I can tell you if you are an alcoholic and you're wondering why you're here, 477 00:30:08,840 --> 00:30:12,460 it's not your fault. It's not your fault. None of this is our fault. You know, 478 00:30:12,600 --> 00:30:12,800 we, 479 00:30:12,820 --> 00:30:18,040 it's, it's genetically, you know, it's a psychological twist of the mind that happens 480 00:30:18,040 --> 00:30:23,000 when we inject alcohol and things into our system. We didn't have a choice about it. And 481 00:30:23,000 --> 00:30:28,100 I'm grateful that the choice that I did get to make, because the first meeting that I went to 482 00:30:28,100 --> 00:30:33,140 outside of Alcoholics Anonymous, somebody that I knew, Keith Murdoch spoke, and he talked about 483 00:30:33,140 --> 00:30:38,400 choices. And I was like, I'm not going to make that choice anymore. I'm not choosing it. I was 484 00:30:38,400 --> 00:30:42,800 adamant. And I had like, when I would think of alcohol, I would get nauseous. 485 00:30:42,820 --> 00:30:47,360 I would just have this psychological, I'm going to throw up. When I think about pot, I get this 486 00:30:47,360 --> 00:30:52,900 thickness in my skull, my skull. I'm like, I can't do it. So my brother freaks out that I drink 487 00:30:52,900 --> 00:30:58,360 Starbucks. He's like, you spent $4 on coffee. That's crazy. I'm like, I haven't had a drink 488 00:30:58,360 --> 00:31:06,590 in 23 years. I'm going to buy some Starbucks. How much does alcohol cost now? I don't even know. 489 00:31:06,690 --> 00:31:12,010 I was able to quit smoking by the grace of God. Everything that I do is by the grace of God. And 490 00:31:12,010 --> 00:31:12,930 I have cursed him. I have cursed him. I have cursed him. I have cursed him. I have cursed him. I have cursed 491 00:31:12,950 --> 00:31:19,050 him out one side and the other. I have been so angry at God. And I was so angry coming in here. I 492 00:31:19,050 --> 00:31:24,450 didn't talk about how angry I was, but I was angry. And I couldn't do my steps for like a year. I 493 00:31:24,450 --> 00:31:28,230 couldn't do my four step for like a year and a half or something because, and I didn't really 494 00:31:28,230 --> 00:31:32,550 get into the program until I was in my second year. I didn't take a first year cake because 495 00:31:32,550 --> 00:31:38,130 I thought I could do it on my own. I didn't think I needed it. So, so I, so when I did start doing 496 00:31:38,130 --> 00:31:42,690 it, I had my sponsor, God bless her. Her name was Wendy Darling, and she loved Lost Boys. 497 00:31:42,950 --> 00:31:50,190 Let me tell you. Anyway, so she would call me every day and say, give me a call because I 498 00:31:50,190 --> 00:31:55,230 couldn't call her. And I would call her. I needed it. I needed someone to help me so bad. And I 499 00:31:55,230 --> 00:31:59,230 didn't know how to make those smoothies. And I didn't know how to answer the phone my second 500 00:31:59,230 --> 00:32:05,690 job after I got sober. I didn't, I didn't know how to, I never told my story. I don't tell it 501 00:32:05,690 --> 00:32:11,150 in high school. And I've had some great, I had some great experiences in high school and the 502 00:32:11,150 --> 00:32:16,470 kids wound up loving me, but it wasn't, it took a long time. And I love what I do now. And you 503 00:32:16,470 --> 00:32:21,330 know, I have a good relationship with my family now. And I didn't always have that relationship. 504 00:32:21,330 --> 00:32:28,670 I will tell you that my brother, three years ago, he died from alcohol. And I was in Florida at the 505 00:32:28,670 --> 00:32:34,610 time. I flew my mom back to Florida because she's, she's 91 in May. So she's doing great. 506 00:32:34,690 --> 00:32:40,990 My father passed at 64, but my mom is still around. She's doing great. And, but within, 507 00:32:41,150 --> 00:32:46,010 five, I dropped, we took a red eye home, which we shouldn't, you don't do that with an elderly 508 00:32:46,010 --> 00:32:51,450 person. And we took the red eye home and then we got a ride to our house, to the house. And she was, 509 00:32:51,450 --> 00:32:57,390 we couldn't sleep. And so she got up and she spun and she fell and she broke her hip and I was out 510 00:32:57,390 --> 00:33:02,910 for a walk. And so she laid on the ground for about 25 minutes going, Teresa, Teresa. And then 511 00:33:02,910 --> 00:33:09,050 when I come in, she goes, I've fallen and I can't get up. She really said that like over and over. 512 00:33:09,550 --> 00:33:10,450 Anyway, she said, 513 00:33:11,150 --> 00:33:15,730 and then I needed to see my brother and I, cause I was going to borrow his car. 514 00:33:16,390 --> 00:33:22,850 And, um, he walked out, he had neuropathy in his feet from, um, diabetes from, I don't know. He was 515 00:33:22,850 --> 00:33:27,850 very sick. He was very thin. And this was a very handsome man who was best of the best of the best 516 00:33:27,850 --> 00:33:32,390 at Nordstrom's, which is a great honor to get. And he's gotten it twice. It means you're the 517 00:33:32,390 --> 00:33:36,210 best in your department. You're the best on the floor, the best in the store, best in the county, 518 00:33:36,210 --> 00:33:40,990 best, whatever they pick you up. When you give you the honor, they take you, you're there. 519 00:33:41,150 --> 00:33:45,950 Your parent, your friend, your family has your luggage pack. They fly you to New York City. You 520 00:33:45,950 --> 00:33:51,350 walk down the red carpet. They have people flying, flashing you. This is who my brother was. And, 521 00:33:51,450 --> 00:33:56,750 and my sister-in-law called me and said, she's the ex-sister-in-law. She goes, he was stayed 522 00:33:56,750 --> 00:34:01,710 overnight and he is bleeding and we don't, can't stop the bleeding. And they took him to, 523 00:34:01,830 --> 00:34:05,910 they took him to the hospital and I went to the hospital and I was waiting outside, 524 00:34:06,090 --> 00:34:10,090 waiting in the emergency room. And I'm like, you know, what's going on? Can I go in and see him? 525 00:34:10,090 --> 00:34:11,130 They're like, they're working on him. 526 00:34:11,190 --> 00:34:14,770 And I'm like, okay. Finally, I'm like, it's like two hours later. And I'm like, can I see him? 527 00:34:14,850 --> 00:34:18,370 And they're like, no. And it's like three in the morning, four in the morning. I go out to my car, 528 00:34:18,450 --> 00:34:22,930 I fall asleep. I wake up, I go back in and they're like, he's up in intensive care. 529 00:34:23,770 --> 00:34:28,370 And I go up there and there's plastic sheets on the floor, plastic sheets on his bed. There's 530 00:34:28,370 --> 00:34:33,130 blood pouring out of his body. They have something in there making him breathe. Blood is coming out 531 00:34:33,130 --> 00:34:40,230 of his, every orifice, his ears, his nose, everything. Cause he's had a, he's, I'm forgetting 532 00:34:40,230 --> 00:34:40,670 the word. 533 00:34:41,150 --> 00:34:46,430 Um, he's, he's having a bleed. So there's a, there's a vein that goes into your liver. And 534 00:34:46,430 --> 00:34:51,770 when your liver hardens so much, the vein pops off and it starts bleeding all through your body. 535 00:34:51,770 --> 00:34:56,890 And this is how he's dying. And I'm watching and I made the choice and he couldn't do it. And I'm 536 00:34:56,890 --> 00:35:02,770 like, why am I the one that's here? And we, he wound up living for six months in the hospital. 537 00:35:03,350 --> 00:35:08,570 And he was one pissed off, angry guy when he came to, and he was like, where are my cigarettes? 538 00:35:08,570 --> 00:35:10,990 Give me something to drink. Where are my cigarettes? 539 00:35:11,150 --> 00:35:15,190 And I'm like, is there anything you want to do? Yeah. Get the guy to get me some cigarettes. And 540 00:35:15,190 --> 00:35:20,450 I'm like, oh my God. And so what they told us was let him be comfortable. Let him have what he wants 541 00:35:20,450 --> 00:35:25,730 because he's not going to live. And he didn't. And if you're new and you're wondering how bad 542 00:35:25,730 --> 00:35:32,290 is this disease, it will kill you. It just does. It will take everything from you. So, um, 543 00:35:32,930 --> 00:35:38,670 on a happier note, um, I don't know, have one, but I'll think of it because there's one minute left. 544 00:35:38,670 --> 00:35:39,070 Okay. 545 00:35:41,150 --> 00:35:45,030 Now my brother who has schizophrenia is living with my brother, Lawrence, who lived with my 546 00:35:45,030 --> 00:35:50,530 alcoholic brother. And you know what? He stopped smoking pot and he stopped smoking cigarettes and 547 00:35:50,530 --> 00:35:55,050 he's doing well. I'm worried about my younger brother. I'm worried about my neighbor, but I'm 548 00:35:55,050 --> 00:36:01,750 grateful to Oscar for asking me to speak today. And I'm grateful for all of you for being a part 549 00:36:01,750 --> 00:36:09,850 of my sobriety because this is the easier, softer way and it will change your life. I have no idea 550 00:36:09,850 --> 00:36:11,130 what your path will take you. 551 00:36:11,150 --> 00:36:16,010 Where it will take you, what journey you're on, but I am super grateful to the life that I've been 552 00:36:16,010 --> 00:36:21,570 given. I was very angry when I was younger that I'd never had children. I never married. And, 553 00:36:21,670 --> 00:36:26,590 you know, I have these great nieces and nephews who give me so much joy. And, you know, I've 554 00:36:26,590 --> 00:36:32,230 learned to be happy with what I have instead of fighting for something I don't have. And I hope 555 00:36:32,230 --> 00:36:36,890 that you find what I found here. Um, there was a man, this is, I'll end with this. There was a man 556 00:36:36,890 --> 00:36:40,990 who, when I first got to sobriety, there's two guys that I remember, angry Carl, 557 00:36:41,150 --> 00:36:45,630 who said, if you go around carrying a hammer, you're going to find something to nail. You run 558 00:36:45,630 --> 00:36:52,310 into three idiots in a row. It's probably not them. And then there was Bert, who was this huge, 559 00:36:52,530 --> 00:36:59,190 um, six foot four. He'd been in three services, the army, the Marines, and the Air Force Reserve 560 00:36:59,190 --> 00:37:03,610 now. And he said, I'm living the life beyond my wildest dreams. And I thought that was the most 561 00:37:03,610 --> 00:37:08,830 pathetic thing that I ever heard in my life. And I am living the life beyond my wildest dreams 562 00:37:08,830 --> 00:37:11,030 because I didn't realize that I didn't need, 563 00:37:11,150 --> 00:37:17,310 I didn't need things to make me happy. I didn't realize that there was a way that I could get up 564 00:37:17,310 --> 00:37:22,910 in the morning and enjoy my day without having stuff, you know, without having all those things. 565 00:37:22,910 --> 00:37:27,550 So I'm grateful for your, for your, for everyone being here tonight. Um, happy birthday one more 566 00:37:27,550 --> 00:37:32,690 time to the newcomer for, to the people who have taken cakes and welcome to the newcomers. I don't 567 00:37:32,690 --> 00:37:35,410 know who else identified themselves, but that's all. Thank you.