1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,940 And now I'd like to introduce our main speaker, Gemma B. 2 00:00:04,240 --> 00:00:05,000 Gemma B. 3 00:00:07,480 --> 00:00:08,220 Thank you. 4 00:00:08,440 --> 00:00:09,980 Hi, I'm Gemma, and I'm an alcoholic. 5 00:00:11,020 --> 00:00:12,840 Hi, I'm so happy to be here. 6 00:00:13,560 --> 00:00:15,620 Thank you, Oscar, for asking me to speak. 7 00:00:15,620 --> 00:00:25,140 I came from a talent show at my son's school that was four and a half hours, and I had to leave early to be here, so thank you. 8 00:00:25,140 --> 00:00:41,160 It was beautiful and inspiring and delightful, but two hours and 45 minutes was enough, so I'm happy to be here in every sense of the word, and thank you to the 10-minute speakers, and also thank you, Joyce, for helping me get dressed. 9 00:00:41,160 --> 00:00:46,320 I was in such a hurry that I didn't fully put my clothes on, and so I just love AA. 10 00:00:46,560 --> 00:00:53,460 You know, I can just come here, and someone with time or, you know, will just be like, oh, you're not fully together. 11 00:00:53,780 --> 00:00:55,120 And gently, gently. 12 00:00:55,140 --> 00:00:58,260 Gently put me together, so that happened right there, so thank you. 13 00:00:58,640 --> 00:00:59,500 I just checked the front. 14 00:00:59,580 --> 00:01:01,760 The front looks okay, you know, but it's the problems in the back. 15 00:01:01,900 --> 00:01:14,560 Anyway, and, you know, Oscar, when you asked me to speak, he sent me this letter of how to get here and all the directions, but when you said the meeting, I was like, I know, it's the meeting in the church with the bricks. 16 00:01:15,320 --> 00:01:18,740 And so then I was driving here, and he called. 17 00:01:18,860 --> 00:01:19,740 He's like, is everything okay? 18 00:01:19,780 --> 00:01:21,020 I'm like, yeah, everything's fine. 19 00:01:21,080 --> 00:01:21,620 I'm not lost. 20 00:01:21,700 --> 00:01:23,060 I'm just looking for the church with the bricks. 21 00:01:23,060 --> 00:01:24,420 I didn't say this. 22 00:01:24,520 --> 00:01:25,060 But in my mind. 23 00:01:25,140 --> 00:01:26,660 I was like, I don't need to read the letter. 24 00:01:26,980 --> 00:01:27,580 It's the church. 25 00:01:28,160 --> 00:01:33,980 And then my GPS told me where I was, and I was like, where is the church? 26 00:01:34,160 --> 00:01:37,180 And immediately, I thought, my GPS is broken. 27 00:01:37,880 --> 00:01:49,960 And, you know, that is just for me having alcoholism, which is that I think I know the answers, and then when I am not getting the result that I want, I think something's wrong with you, or the GPS is broken. 28 00:01:49,960 --> 00:01:54,640 And not just, oh, I had the wrong idea, and I didn't read a very informative letter. 29 00:01:55,140 --> 00:01:56,800 So thank you for all your help. 30 00:01:58,160 --> 00:02:01,900 My sobriety date is July 5th, 1996. 31 00:02:03,560 --> 00:02:05,800 I have a sponsor. 32 00:02:05,920 --> 00:02:06,580 Her name is Debbie. 33 00:02:06,740 --> 00:02:07,600 I have a home group. 34 00:02:07,820 --> 00:02:09,180 It's Sunlight of the Spirit. 35 00:02:10,980 --> 00:02:15,800 That doesn't elicit like a thing that you guys say, but that's okay. 36 00:02:16,260 --> 00:02:16,960 I'm jealous. 37 00:02:16,960 --> 00:02:17,120 I'm jealous. 38 00:02:20,580 --> 00:02:25,120 I am from New York. 39 00:02:25,420 --> 00:02:28,640 I got sober in New York. 40 00:02:30,460 --> 00:02:38,320 My story is, you know, I'm an only child, and I have very loving parents. 41 00:02:38,460 --> 00:02:41,340 My dad got sober when I was five years old. 42 00:02:41,960 --> 00:02:43,460 My mom was an Al-Anon. 43 00:02:43,760 --> 00:02:46,140 My dad was a therapist, and my mom was a priest. 44 00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:50,360 And so I was raised in Alcoholics Anonymous. 45 00:02:50,540 --> 00:02:52,420 I was raised going to meetings. 46 00:02:52,420 --> 00:02:55,120 I was raised knowing what. 47 00:02:55,120 --> 00:03:02,440 I was raised knowing what alcoholism was, and I had these parents who loved me. 48 00:03:02,440 --> 00:03:09,160 And if knowledge of alcoholism could keep me from being an alcoholic, or if love could 49 00:03:09,160 --> 00:03:12,760 have kept me from being an alcoholic, it would have. 50 00:03:12,920 --> 00:03:15,460 But neither of those things could help me. 51 00:03:16,720 --> 00:03:20,940 For me, I always felt like overwhelmed by my feelings. 52 00:03:21,240 --> 00:03:24,840 I had huge feelings from the time that I was really small. 53 00:03:24,840 --> 00:03:29,720 And those were feelings of fear, and they were feelings of inadequacy, and they were 54 00:03:29,720 --> 00:03:35,520 feelings of being afraid people didn't like me or didn't love me, you know, and they were 55 00:03:35,520 --> 00:03:38,100 being afraid that things were going to run out. 56 00:03:38,240 --> 00:03:41,720 And I was afraid that I was different than you, and I was afraid I was like you. 57 00:03:41,800 --> 00:03:44,300 I mean, I was just afraid of anything and everything. 58 00:03:44,980 --> 00:03:48,040 And I was really uncomfortable in my own skin. 59 00:03:48,180 --> 00:03:53,260 I felt like everyone else knew how to play and do things, and I just didn't get it. 60 00:03:53,260 --> 00:03:54,800 And I was. 61 00:03:54,800 --> 00:03:57,240 I was embarrassed of the things that were wrong in my family. 62 00:03:57,380 --> 00:03:59,100 I was embarrassed in the things that were right. 63 00:03:59,320 --> 00:04:00,080 You know, I was embarrassed. 64 00:04:00,220 --> 00:04:02,680 My parents were married, and everyone else's parents were divorced. 65 00:04:02,880 --> 00:04:06,520 And so I always said, like, oh, marriage is on the rocks, like, any day now. 66 00:04:08,180 --> 00:04:09,780 They'll be breaking up any minute. 67 00:04:10,580 --> 00:04:13,360 And I just was uncomfortable in my skin. 68 00:04:13,580 --> 00:04:15,160 I was so uncomfortable in my skin. 69 00:04:15,260 --> 00:04:21,320 And when I was five years old, I was at church, and I had communion wine, and I was having 70 00:04:21,320 --> 00:04:24,220 a particularly bad day, a five-year-old day. 71 00:04:24,800 --> 00:04:32,940 And I felt the warmth of that wine, and it smoothed out all my edges, and it quieted 72 00:04:32,940 --> 00:04:35,180 my mind, and it allowed me to breathe. 73 00:04:35,340 --> 00:04:36,760 And I knew it was my answer. 74 00:04:37,060 --> 00:04:39,160 Like, I knew that that was going to be my answer. 75 00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:43,040 And for a long time, it was. 76 00:04:43,180 --> 00:04:50,040 And I pursued alcohol in this way of, you know, my parents had talked to me about alcoholism, 77 00:04:50,040 --> 00:04:53,820 so I was really, like, trying very hard not to have it. 78 00:04:54,080 --> 00:04:54,780 So I was very. 79 00:04:54,780 --> 00:04:59,620 I was very controlled, and I had all these rules and ways that I would, you know, if 80 00:04:59,620 --> 00:05:03,660 I drink on these days, it's okay, but those drinks, those days, it's not okay. 81 00:05:03,780 --> 00:05:07,780 These hours of the day are okay to drink, but these hours of the day are not okay to 82 00:05:07,780 --> 00:05:07,980 drink. 83 00:05:08,080 --> 00:05:12,120 And then I wouldn't be able to keep up to those schedules, so then I would adjust it, 84 00:05:12,380 --> 00:05:17,720 you know, and, but never just an adjustment, just a justification of, like, this just in, 85 00:05:17,920 --> 00:05:23,120 like, the weekend is not Friday to Sunday, it's Thursday to Tuesday, you know. 86 00:05:23,120 --> 00:05:34,080 And technically, and, you know, I, who I was when I drank was, I would say and do things that I 87 00:05:34,080 --> 00:05:36,080 would not say or do when I was sober. 88 00:05:36,440 --> 00:05:44,300 And the shame from the things that I did when I was drunk carried through, you know, so that I 89 00:05:44,300 --> 00:05:48,660 felt like when I was not drinking, I was really unhappy because I was filled with all the shame. 90 00:05:48,660 --> 00:05:50,760 To me, I drank because I drank. 91 00:05:50,920 --> 00:05:53,020 I drank to get over the shame. 92 00:05:53,120 --> 00:05:54,100 I drank to get over the shame that I had from drinking. 93 00:05:54,340 --> 00:06:00,500 And so it was just a cycle of, and once I started, I could not stop. 94 00:06:00,620 --> 00:06:05,760 I had absolutely the obsession of the mind and the phenomenon of craving. 95 00:06:06,360 --> 00:06:13,880 And, you know, my story is that had I known that I was going to get sober at 19, I would 96 00:06:13,880 --> 00:06:19,060 have done a lot more stuff and would have gotten a more fun story to share with you 97 00:06:19,060 --> 00:06:20,640 for the next 20 years. 98 00:06:21,640 --> 00:06:22,640 But I tried. 99 00:06:23,120 --> 00:06:25,960 I tried so hard to, to manage that. 100 00:06:26,120 --> 00:06:35,080 And what happened was when I was 19, I had alcohol poisoning and I'd had that before many times. 101 00:06:35,080 --> 00:06:41,060 But I had, I had moved back to New York and my father, who had been sober for 15 years, 102 00:06:41,140 --> 00:06:42,400 happened to be in the city. 103 00:06:42,740 --> 00:06:44,000 He had been called into the city. 104 00:06:44,140 --> 00:06:44,700 He lived in Yonkers. 105 00:06:44,820 --> 00:06:46,680 He'd been called into the city for a job interview. 106 00:06:46,680 --> 00:06:51,140 And when he got to the job interview, they were like, we have no idea why you were called for 107 00:06:51,140 --> 00:06:51,580 this job. 108 00:06:51,620 --> 00:06:52,640 You're not at all qualified. 109 00:06:52,640 --> 00:06:53,960 And he didn't even have the interview. 110 00:06:54,260 --> 00:06:56,940 And my dad was not someone who would go to the city for no reason. 111 00:06:56,940 --> 00:06:59,660 Like, he was like, this, this has to have a purpose. 112 00:06:59,660 --> 00:07:04,080 So he called me randomly and said, do you want to go to lunch so that that can be why 113 00:07:04,080 --> 00:07:05,000 I came into the city? 114 00:07:05,740 --> 00:07:10,020 And I said, sure, but it has to be a plain bagel and you have to bring it to me. 115 00:07:10,020 --> 00:07:14,940 And I had been throwing up for 14 hours and I had a special kind of humility that you 116 00:07:14,940 --> 00:07:17,240 get from throwing up for 14 hours. 117 00:07:17,720 --> 00:07:22,560 And I had marks on my forehead and my chin from the toilet from going back. 118 00:07:22,560 --> 00:07:23,620 And forth in the seat. 119 00:07:24,000 --> 00:07:29,900 And I had tile marks on my face because I'd been, you know, sleeping and my clothes were 120 00:07:29,900 --> 00:07:30,180 filthy. 121 00:07:30,640 --> 00:07:35,260 And, and I opened the door, you know, hi, dad. 122 00:07:36,700 --> 00:07:41,760 And there was this tiny moment of willingness that I had where I was able to tell him the 123 00:07:41,760 --> 00:07:45,460 truth about what was happening and what I was doing and the lines that I was crossing 124 00:07:45,460 --> 00:07:48,440 and the things that I was willing to do and the places that I was going. 125 00:07:48,440 --> 00:07:52,260 There was a tiny moment of willingness where I was really honest with him that he would 126 00:07:52,260 --> 00:07:54,900 not have gotten that story two hours later. 127 00:07:55,260 --> 00:07:58,300 There was a desperation that I had in that moment and I told him everything. 128 00:07:58,720 --> 00:08:02,440 And he said, you know, what's the next thing you have to do? 129 00:08:02,460 --> 00:08:04,940 And I said, I have to go to work, but I can't stop throwing up. 130 00:08:04,960 --> 00:08:08,760 And he's like, I can buy you, you know, you're in withdrawal and I can buy you alcohol. 131 00:08:08,760 --> 00:08:10,380 And I was like, this guy gets it. 132 00:08:11,400 --> 00:08:13,500 And I said no to that. 133 00:08:13,620 --> 00:08:21,260 And I, you know, but, but then he went and, you know, a couple days later, my, my, my 134 00:08:21,260 --> 00:08:22,240 mom said to me. 135 00:08:22,400 --> 00:08:24,180 Um, you know, here's the deal. 136 00:08:24,600 --> 00:08:29,640 Um, we think, uh, you know, because now my, like a couple of days later, I was feeling 137 00:08:29,640 --> 00:08:32,940 better and I hadn't drank again, but I knew that I was going to that thing of like, I'm 138 00:08:32,940 --> 00:08:34,440 never going to do this again, had passed. 139 00:08:35,220 --> 00:08:40,380 And, um, and, uh, my mom said, you know, here's the deal. 140 00:08:40,380 --> 00:08:44,780 Like, we think, um, we're sending you to school and it's very expensive. 141 00:08:45,280 --> 00:08:47,100 Um, and we think you're going to die. 142 00:08:47,280 --> 00:08:50,020 Um, so it's not a good investment for us. 143 00:08:50,020 --> 00:08:52,220 Um, and if. 144 00:08:52,240 --> 00:08:56,760 If you want to go to school, you have to get sober because, um, otherwise we're not, 145 00:08:56,820 --> 00:08:57,880 we're not going to pay for it. 146 00:08:57,960 --> 00:09:03,800 And so I didn't come here willing and I didn't come here feeling done and I didn't come here 147 00:09:03,800 --> 00:09:04,240 grateful. 148 00:09:04,240 --> 00:09:09,000 I came here on a very bizarre tuition program, um, that my parents had set up. 149 00:09:09,180 --> 00:09:13,680 And, uh, I came here with my arms crossed and I came here not wanting to be here and 150 00:09:13,680 --> 00:09:16,920 not thinking that I was an alcoholic and not wanting any part of this. 151 00:09:17,140 --> 00:09:22,220 And I will tell you in case I forget that, um, you know, 22 years later, it's not going to be me. 152 00:09:22,240 --> 00:09:23,620 That is not what it looks like. 153 00:09:23,900 --> 00:09:25,480 That is not what it looks like anymore. 154 00:09:25,900 --> 00:09:30,580 And, um, I haven't had a drink, um, since that day. 155 00:09:30,700 --> 00:09:35,020 I did misunderstand what first things first and easy does it meant. 156 00:09:35,020 --> 00:09:39,120 So I don't know what your rules are about talking about drugs, but I did have to change my date 157 00:09:39,120 --> 00:09:40,980 because I thought you could still smoke pot. 158 00:09:41,220 --> 00:09:44,500 But, um, that's why you need a sponsor. 159 00:09:44,500 --> 00:09:48,160 Cause when you just translate those things yourself, um, interpret those things yourself, 160 00:09:48,160 --> 00:09:50,160 you can make them mean whatever you want them to mean. 161 00:09:50,340 --> 00:09:52,140 So that is why I've had to change my. 162 00:09:52,220 --> 00:09:54,040 Sobriety date, um, by about a month. 163 00:09:54,140 --> 00:09:59,900 But, um, so, um, here's what I know when I got sober, I felt really sorry for myself. 164 00:09:59,920 --> 00:10:01,600 I was filled with self-pity. 165 00:10:01,740 --> 00:10:05,720 I was filled with, you know, I am who I am when I'm drunk. 166 00:10:05,740 --> 00:10:07,140 That's who I really am. 167 00:10:07,200 --> 00:10:08,560 I didn't know who I was. 168 00:10:08,560 --> 00:10:10,420 And I got sober at a time. 169 00:10:10,560 --> 00:10:15,220 There was this meeting called never had a legal drink that had just started and, uh, in New York. 170 00:10:15,440 --> 00:10:18,760 And it was started in a, um, in the, in a dorm room. 171 00:10:18,760 --> 00:10:20,880 And now I think it's over 200 people. 172 00:10:21,240 --> 00:10:22,160 Um, I haven't been. 173 00:10:22,220 --> 00:10:27,080 In a long time, but it really saved me because I had that thing that made me different. 174 00:10:27,140 --> 00:10:29,180 And I think a lot of people have that thing, right? 175 00:10:29,180 --> 00:10:34,440 It might be, oh, I only did drugs or, oh, I'm too old or, oh, I lost too much or, oh, I didn't lose enough. 176 00:10:34,440 --> 00:10:35,900 And mine was that I was too young. 177 00:10:35,960 --> 00:10:37,120 That's what kept me separate. 178 00:10:37,160 --> 00:10:38,780 That's what kept me terminally unique. 179 00:10:38,820 --> 00:10:41,660 That's what made it seem like this wasn't going to work for me. 180 00:10:42,020 --> 00:10:43,200 And it's what kept me different. 181 00:10:43,200 --> 00:10:50,660 And so when I found a meeting filled with people who were younger than me, even, um, it took away that loophole, that thing that made me different. 182 00:10:51,180 --> 00:10:52,220 And, um, 183 00:10:52,260 --> 00:10:57,440 I had, um, I had a really hard time admitting to my innermost self that I had this thing. 184 00:10:57,800 --> 00:11:01,000 You know, I, I constantly looked at why my story was different. 185 00:11:01,000 --> 00:11:08,300 You know, we talk about just identifying with the feelings and not comparing the details, but I compared the details and I always came up short. 186 00:11:08,900 --> 00:11:21,760 And, um, you know, uh, I did the, I did the bare minimal to be here, you know, and I sat in the back with my arms crossed and I left early and, uh, and I wasn't getting happy, joyous and free. 187 00:11:21,760 --> 00:11:28,340 And then I thought that it was because there was something wrong with this program when really I wasn't getting in the middle, you know, and I didn't want to be here. 188 00:11:28,340 --> 00:11:35,520 And for me, the answer to not wanting to be here at all, really in AA or on the planet, like was getting in the middle. 189 00:11:35,720 --> 00:11:40,120 And when you are in something that you don't want to be part of, it doesn't seem like that makes sense. 190 00:11:40,140 --> 00:11:42,380 Like, oh, if you don't want to be in AA, get in the middle of it. 191 00:11:42,480 --> 00:11:49,080 But that is my experience that getting in the middle, dealing myself in, um, is the thing that, that helped me. 192 00:11:49,080 --> 00:11:58,800 Um, and, um, you know, when I had about four years of sobriety, I called my sponsor and I told her, I was like, I want a drink. 193 00:11:59,460 --> 00:12:01,620 And she said, where are you? 194 00:12:01,620 --> 00:12:03,940 And I said, I'm at the international AA convention. 195 00:12:04,840 --> 00:12:08,540 And she said, uh, oh, okay, well, what are you going to have? 196 00:12:08,860 --> 00:12:11,120 And I thought, oh my God, I have the worst sponsor ever. 197 00:12:11,300 --> 00:12:12,620 Like, you're not supposed to ask that. 198 00:12:12,640 --> 00:12:13,640 And I said, I don't know. 199 00:12:14,040 --> 00:12:15,600 And she said, well, where are you going to get it? 200 00:12:15,620 --> 00:12:17,280 And I said, I don't know. 201 00:12:17,520 --> 00:12:19,060 And she said, I don't think you want it. 202 00:12:19,060 --> 00:12:19,720 I don't think you want to drink. 203 00:12:19,860 --> 00:12:21,180 I think you want to feel better. 204 00:12:21,300 --> 00:12:30,720 And for me, that was a turning point because my alcoholic thinking always equates wanting to feel better with drinking, you know? 205 00:12:31,260 --> 00:12:36,220 And I, uh, and it is not when I think it through, that is not the answer. 206 00:12:36,420 --> 00:12:46,420 And so she taught me, that sponsor taught me to be really good with my language and really precise, do accurate reporting of what I was feeling and what was happening. 207 00:12:46,920 --> 00:12:48,680 And she said, do you, you know, 208 00:12:49,060 --> 00:12:49,740 you want to feel better? 209 00:12:49,740 --> 00:12:50,780 What makes you feel better? 210 00:12:50,780 --> 00:12:54,820 And I said, well, going to a meeting and she's like, okay, so let's start this call over. 211 00:12:54,820 --> 00:12:58,060 And I was like, um, I'm calling to tell you, I want to go to a meeting. 212 00:12:58,120 --> 00:12:59,020 And she was like, great. 213 00:12:59,060 --> 00:13:03,800 And, um, you know, and the other thing I said, I w I was so unhappy at the convention and she's like, why? 214 00:13:03,800 --> 00:13:05,900 And I said, cause everyone's having a good time. 215 00:13:05,920 --> 00:13:07,000 And she's like, really? 216 00:13:07,000 --> 00:13:10,940 You've talked to 65,000 people and everyone's having a good time. 217 00:13:10,940 --> 00:13:13,500 I'm like, well, Ron is having a good time, you know? 218 00:13:13,500 --> 00:13:18,740 And, and, um, she taught me like everyone always, never that. 219 00:13:18,740 --> 00:13:19,040 That. 220 00:13:19,060 --> 00:13:20,740 Uh, never, always global. 221 00:13:20,920 --> 00:13:23,740 I call it nag, you know, and that that's my alcoholism. 222 00:13:23,740 --> 00:13:28,320 My alcoholism lives in these like absolutes of everyone, everything. 223 00:13:28,420 --> 00:13:28,940 Never. 224 00:13:28,940 --> 00:13:33,940 I'm never gonna cause I've always, you know, that is, that's my alcoholism. 225 00:13:34,420 --> 00:13:44,680 And, um, you know, um, for me, it wasn't until I had about four and a half years and I heard a woman speak and she talked about the disease of our thinking and the way our minds work. 226 00:13:44,680 --> 00:13:49,060 And that is when I finally really got this thing that like, I have alcoholism. 227 00:13:49,060 --> 00:13:51,800 I have a way of perceiving, um, the world. 228 00:13:51,800 --> 00:13:57,740 I have a way of looking at things that is alcoholic and is black and white is all or nothing. 229 00:13:57,740 --> 00:14:00,660 It is, um, uh, you know, I wake up doomed. 230 00:14:00,660 --> 00:14:02,480 I wake up with a, just a sense. 231 00:14:02,480 --> 00:14:03,840 It doesn't matter what I do at night. 232 00:14:03,840 --> 00:14:05,040 I wake up a dry drunk. 233 00:14:05,080 --> 00:14:18,940 I wake up terrified that things aren't gonna work out, you know, and I live with a normie and I'm always like, I've got a bad feeling about today, you know, this is less true now, but, uh, and he's like, you always, you always do, you know, you always do. 234 00:14:18,940 --> 00:14:24,020 And, um, I, for a long time in my sobriety, I went through life in a panic. 235 00:14:24,020 --> 00:14:31,300 I just went from crisis to crisis and I would come to a meeting and I would share about my crisis and, uh, which is good. 236 00:14:31,300 --> 00:14:32,220 That's what we're supposed to do. 237 00:14:32,220 --> 00:14:39,020 But then someone would come up to me, like maybe they'd see me at another meeting six months later and they'd say, oh, how did that situation work out? 238 00:14:39,020 --> 00:14:41,660 And I'd be like, um, what situation? 239 00:14:41,660 --> 00:14:42,400 And they were like, I don't know. 240 00:14:42,400 --> 00:14:43,980 You were really upset about it. 241 00:14:43,980 --> 00:14:44,900 You were crying. 242 00:14:44,900 --> 00:14:46,920 It was, I'm like, ah, you're gonna have to give me more. 243 00:14:46,920 --> 00:14:48,240 Um, I don't know. 244 00:14:48,240 --> 00:14:48,940 I don't know. 245 00:14:48,940 --> 00:14:57,580 My experience in AA is that I fall apart over these things and I, and I, and I think the world is coming to an end. 246 00:14:57,580 --> 00:15:02,380 And then, uh, I find, uh, I find a solution and I get through it. 247 00:15:02,380 --> 00:15:11,560 And instead of taking the time to be grateful for the thing that worked out beyond my wildest dreams, I panic about the next thing, you know, I just move on to the next thing. 248 00:15:11,560 --> 00:15:18,460 And, um, so, um, you know, I have, I have what I call, um, 249 00:15:18,460 --> 00:15:27,020 like my alcoholic translator, you know, and I share this almost every time I speak, but, um, which translates like what, what you are thinking, um, for me. 250 00:15:27,020 --> 00:15:30,600 And, um, I, I see everything through this lens of alcoholism. 251 00:15:30,600 --> 00:15:36,060 So, you know, um, this happened a long time ago, but my husband came home one night and he said, hey, did you get cat food? 252 00:15:36,060 --> 00:15:40,560 And, um, I started to cry and he was like, what did you just hear? 253 00:15:40,560 --> 00:15:43,560 And, um, that is a key. 254 00:15:43,560 --> 00:15:48,000 That is something we use in our marriage, you know, still, what did you, what? 255 00:15:48,460 --> 00:15:49,620 Did you just hear? 256 00:15:49,620 --> 00:15:53,320 And I said, you said I was a bad wife and, um, and that is what I heard. 257 00:15:53,320 --> 00:15:58,660 And that is because I have this thing, this alcoholic, that means, you know, like, did you get cat food? 258 00:15:58,660 --> 00:16:00,340 No, that means you're not a good partner. 259 00:16:00,340 --> 00:16:01,420 That means you don't listen. 260 00:16:01,420 --> 00:16:08,700 That means it's, you know, that means, that means, and then I'm worried about something over here instead of staying in the reality of what is actually happening. 261 00:16:08,700 --> 00:16:28,900 Um, I have, um, you know, just this all or nothing, um, thinking this, um, you know, like I have, um, there must be married couples over there and there's, there's some looks happening, um, cause it's just alcoholism and it shows up the same in all of us, you know? 262 00:16:28,900 --> 00:16:38,100 And, um, and I, I have, um, you know, this thing of like, not only is my alcoholic thinking a problem, right? 263 00:16:38,100 --> 00:16:38,480 Right. 264 00:16:38,480 --> 00:16:39,160 It really is. 265 00:16:39,160 --> 00:16:50,340 But I think even more than my alcoholic thinking or my alcoholic solutions, you know, so if like my husband will say something, you know, today, like he didn't like how I was heating something up in the microwave, you know? 266 00:16:50,340 --> 00:16:54,500 And, uh, like I, I didn't wrap it in paper towels, whatever. 267 00:16:54,720 --> 00:16:59,960 And like, I think to myself, like, I'll leave, like, I'll just move out. 268 00:17:00,380 --> 00:17:06,900 Um, I just, that is like, my button is like, I will, I will go. 269 00:17:07,300 --> 00:17:08,460 Um, it's just. 270 00:17:08,480 --> 00:17:10,700 I just don't think we can come back from this. 271 00:17:10,700 --> 00:17:16,540 And, uh, so, um, so that's what my alcoholism looks like. 272 00:17:16,620 --> 00:17:23,800 And so the, the solution is, um, coming here and, and coming to meetings and hearing people laugh and knowing that I'm not alone. 273 00:17:23,800 --> 00:17:28,780 I'm not the only one who sees it this way and that it is just garden variety alcoholism. 274 00:17:28,780 --> 00:17:31,520 And if we have the same problem, then we all have the same solution. 275 00:17:31,580 --> 00:17:33,580 And you can remind me what it is today. 276 00:17:33,580 --> 00:17:37,900 You know, you give me, Alcoholics Anonymous gives me, um, the word or. 277 00:17:37,900 --> 00:17:40,120 Cause left to my own devices. 278 00:17:40,120 --> 00:17:41,820 It's like, I'm having a bad day. 279 00:17:41,860 --> 00:17:47,120 I'm going to drink, but Alcoholics Anonymous gave me, or, you know, or you can stay sober. 280 00:17:47,120 --> 00:17:53,460 You know, um, when I get upset at my husband, I was like, I'm going to tell him exactly what I think of him. 281 00:17:53,680 --> 00:17:56,500 Or, you know, you can call your sponsor, you know? 282 00:17:57,120 --> 00:18:01,620 Um, uh, I am going to throw this. 283 00:18:02,040 --> 00:18:02,440 Anyway. 284 00:18:02,920 --> 00:18:07,800 Uh, um, you know, or I can come to him. 285 00:18:07,800 --> 00:18:11,940 I'm going to go to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous and share, put my dress on sort of, and, uh, share. 286 00:18:11,940 --> 00:18:24,600 And, um, I, um, I'm just going to talk about where I'm at now, which is that, you know, I've been sober for 22 years and I've been doing the deal and I love Alcoholics Anonymous. 287 00:18:25,500 --> 00:18:34,120 And, um, two months ago, I got into a thing with a defective character that I had to put down. 288 00:18:34,380 --> 00:18:37,780 And, uh, because that defective character. 289 00:18:37,780 --> 00:18:39,900 Was causing a lot of pain for me. 290 00:18:39,900 --> 00:18:49,440 And then the act of putting that defective character down was so, is so much more painful than I ever could have imagined. 291 00:18:49,920 --> 00:18:57,140 And, um, I, uh, have been in a place in my sobriety that I don't think I've been in since the beginning. 292 00:18:57,340 --> 00:19:07,340 And, um, which looks like, um, really not knowing what the answers are and spending a lot of time in the fetal position and a lot of tears. 293 00:19:07,340 --> 00:19:07,740 And. 294 00:19:07,780 --> 00:19:13,160 And, um, uh, and a lot of unknowing, you know, I want to know what the answers are. 295 00:19:13,220 --> 00:19:15,480 Like, just tell me what I'm supposed to do and I'll do it. 296 00:19:15,520 --> 00:19:18,400 Like I'm this whole, like, just be in the, just be in the hallway. 297 00:19:18,560 --> 00:19:19,840 No, no, thank you. 298 00:19:20,100 --> 00:19:20,840 No, thank you. 299 00:19:21,240 --> 00:19:25,040 Um, so, um, I, um, I, was it Martin? 300 00:19:25,300 --> 00:19:25,780 Is that your name? 301 00:19:26,000 --> 00:19:26,280 Milton. 302 00:19:26,500 --> 00:19:26,740 Sorry. 303 00:19:27,080 --> 00:19:31,020 Um, Milton, uh, you, Martin, and now I've given you a nickname. 304 00:19:31,140 --> 00:19:31,600 I'm sorry. 305 00:19:32,360 --> 00:19:32,940 Love AA. 306 00:19:33,180 --> 00:19:34,440 Like you're going to be Martin forever. 307 00:19:34,560 --> 00:19:35,020 I'm so sorry. 308 00:19:35,020 --> 00:19:35,100 Okay. 309 00:19:35,400 --> 00:19:37,340 Milton, um, said. 310 00:19:37,780 --> 00:19:44,100 Um, that, uh, the thing about the desperation and I've heard people say that to newcomers. 311 00:19:44,100 --> 00:19:46,320 Like I wish the gift, I wish you the gift of desperation. 312 00:19:46,320 --> 00:19:48,820 And I always thought, oh my God, that's so mean. 313 00:19:48,820 --> 00:19:51,000 Like that's such a mean thing to say to someone. 314 00:19:51,380 --> 00:19:52,540 And now I understand it. 315 00:19:52,680 --> 00:19:56,860 And what I love about Alcoholics Anonymous is that I can be here for over 22 years. 316 00:19:57,060 --> 00:20:01,820 And now there are things that I understand in a different way that I can, um, my friend 317 00:20:01,820 --> 00:20:06,620 Bird says like, this is a design for living that we don't outgrow, which means that the 318 00:20:06,620 --> 00:20:07,760 same things that are helpful. 319 00:20:07,760 --> 00:20:13,920 Me with my level of my time, uh, are the same things that were the exact thing that I had 320 00:20:13,920 --> 00:20:14,900 to do when I was new. 321 00:20:14,900 --> 00:20:16,640 You know, it's the same stuff. 322 00:20:16,640 --> 00:20:19,360 It's just the love, the, the, the onion or whatever. 323 00:20:19,680 --> 00:20:24,620 Um, and, uh, and I'm, it's, I'm uncovering different things, but, but it's the same stuff. 324 00:20:24,760 --> 00:20:26,620 It's the same stuff that I have to do. 325 00:20:26,820 --> 00:20:31,620 And, um, so I got to the point where like I was powerless over something in my life 326 00:20:31,620 --> 00:20:36,560 had become unmanageable and I was desperate and I, and I got to a place where it felt 327 00:20:36,560 --> 00:20:37,640 like I understand. 328 00:20:37,760 --> 00:20:43,940 Like when they say grow or go, I understand, uh, why people go out with a lot of time. 329 00:20:44,520 --> 00:20:49,420 And, uh, and I understand that I have to tell you because I can sound good. 330 00:20:49,500 --> 00:20:52,700 I have to tell you the truth because you're not going to guess you're not going to guess 331 00:20:52,700 --> 00:20:53,140 where I'm at. 332 00:20:53,240 --> 00:20:57,300 There are a lot of people who are suffering in silence with a lot of time and I have to 333 00:20:57,300 --> 00:20:58,640 be honest with you. 334 00:20:59,080 --> 00:21:02,940 Um, you know, I'm from New York and so I have this, we have this house that we live in and 335 00:21:02,940 --> 00:21:04,700 it has, um, a white picket fence. 336 00:21:04,940 --> 00:21:07,740 And like, I literally thought that like, if you had a white picket fence, you would be 337 00:21:07,740 --> 00:21:09,840 like, you didn't have problems. 338 00:21:10,040 --> 00:21:13,960 Like that just seemed like the, the thing is like, if you have a white picket fence, 339 00:21:14,000 --> 00:21:15,360 like everything is happy. 340 00:21:15,640 --> 00:21:19,640 And to me, I think sometimes time becomes a white picket fence that people don't really 341 00:21:19,640 --> 00:21:24,040 ask me how I am or think that I could be in as much danger as I was in. 342 00:21:24,240 --> 00:21:25,700 And, uh, and I was in danger. 343 00:21:25,860 --> 00:21:32,240 And so I had to like say that, which is that like, um, you know, uh, because not telling 344 00:21:32,240 --> 00:21:36,320 you my truth, um, I can pretend that I'm fine all the way out the door. 345 00:21:37,080 --> 00:21:37,720 And, um, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and 346 00:21:37,740 --> 00:21:42,800 I, um, so, so I'm in this place of, you know, really, um, being honest about where I'm at 347 00:21:42,800 --> 00:21:44,760 and, and really being in so much pain. 348 00:21:44,760 --> 00:21:47,700 And, and so, so that, that was the first step and the second step. 349 00:21:47,700 --> 00:21:51,860 And like, I'm seeking, like, I'm seeking a higher power, like nobody's business. 350 00:21:51,860 --> 00:21:54,360 Like I'm asking people about their higher power. 351 00:21:54,440 --> 00:21:55,540 I'm reading stuff on the internet. 352 00:21:55,680 --> 00:21:57,500 I'm reading the big book again. 353 00:21:57,500 --> 00:21:58,460 I'm reading the 12 and 12. 354 00:21:58,760 --> 00:22:02,160 I'm Googling, you know, like how to get closer to God. 355 00:22:02,160 --> 00:22:06,980 Like, this is not stuff I would do on a good day, you know, like when everything's going 356 00:22:06,980 --> 00:22:07,440 well. 357 00:22:07,740 --> 00:22:11,900 I'm not, I'm not fighting for my life on a good day like this. 358 00:22:11,960 --> 00:22:12,140 Right. 359 00:22:12,200 --> 00:22:17,180 So like, I understand the gift of desperation being a good thing now because I'm desperate, 360 00:22:17,400 --> 00:22:19,600 like I'm desperate and I'm reading the book in a new way. 361 00:22:19,700 --> 00:22:22,160 And I swear people are adding stuff to it. 362 00:22:22,260 --> 00:22:24,020 You know, I swear that they are. 363 00:22:24,080 --> 00:22:28,720 And I, um, you know, uh, I, I, I'm amazed by it. 364 00:22:28,720 --> 00:22:37,200 Um, you know, um, this was added, um, this year on page 52, um, we were having problems 365 00:22:37,200 --> 00:22:37,720 with our personal. 366 00:22:37,820 --> 00:22:38,660 Relationships. 367 00:22:38,760 --> 00:22:40,520 We couldn't control our emotional natures. 368 00:22:40,620 --> 00:22:42,060 We were prey to misery and depression. 369 00:22:42,220 --> 00:22:43,120 We couldn't make a living. 370 00:22:43,240 --> 00:22:44,740 We had a feeling of uselessness. 371 00:22:44,820 --> 00:22:45,700 We were full of fear. 372 00:22:45,960 --> 00:22:46,700 We were unhappy. 373 00:22:46,820 --> 00:22:49,120 We couldn't seem to be of real help to other people. 374 00:22:49,220 --> 00:22:54,200 Was not a basic solution of these bedevilments more important than whether we should see 375 00:22:54,200 --> 00:22:56,320 newsreels of lunar flight? 376 00:22:56,460 --> 00:22:57,160 Of course it was. 377 00:22:57,160 --> 00:22:58,180 So that is new. 378 00:22:58,560 --> 00:23:05,720 And, um, um, what happened was I had put my solution so into the fellowship, you know, 379 00:23:05,760 --> 00:23:07,540 and so into being of service. 380 00:23:07,540 --> 00:23:12,680 And going to meetings and, and I did all the showing up stuff, you know, if you say where 381 00:23:12,680 --> 00:23:17,900 to be, I'll be there, but I wasn't doing the stuff that, uh, that takes place at home alone. 382 00:23:17,900 --> 00:23:23,360 You know, when it comes to, uh, making a contact with a higher power, like that wasn't, that 383 00:23:23,360 --> 00:23:25,920 was something I just talked about, but it wasn't something I did. 384 00:23:25,920 --> 00:23:32,720 And, um, you know, um, the doing like the third step of like, just really getting to 385 00:23:32,720 --> 00:23:35,000 the point where I've just like completely surrendered. 386 00:23:35,000 --> 00:23:36,140 Like, I don't know. 387 00:23:36,320 --> 00:23:37,420 I don't know what the answers. 388 00:23:37,420 --> 00:23:43,640 And I totally give up and, um, and I'm willing, like, I'm so willing and, um, and I'm willing 389 00:23:43,640 --> 00:23:47,020 for the first time to be uncomfortable without fixing it. 390 00:23:47,120 --> 00:23:51,540 You know, I'm always like my whole life has been about how can I, how can I fix it? 391 00:23:51,600 --> 00:23:52,520 How can I fix it? 392 00:23:52,580 --> 00:23:56,020 How can I, I just want to feel better instead of actually getting better. 393 00:23:56,020 --> 00:23:58,660 And that's what, you know, Alcoholics Anonymous is about. 394 00:23:58,720 --> 00:24:01,540 It's about getting better and it sometimes takes time. 395 00:24:01,540 --> 00:24:07,180 And, um, but there's, it's really outlined very well in this book, um, that what we need 396 00:24:07,180 --> 00:24:07,400 to do. 397 00:24:07,420 --> 00:24:08,420 To get better. 398 00:24:08,420 --> 00:24:13,060 And, um, so I had this experience with the third step and like, where I realized like, 399 00:24:13,060 --> 00:24:15,020 oh, I'm willing to be uncomfortable. 400 00:24:15,020 --> 00:24:21,320 And, um, and I, and I, and I was able to pray in a way that I've never prayed. 401 00:24:21,320 --> 00:24:22,620 And I was able to meditate. 402 00:24:22,620 --> 00:24:27,320 Like meditation has been something I've struggled with, you know, my entire sobriety, but definitely 403 00:24:27,320 --> 00:24:32,820 since I was 17 years sober, like try to meditate and I can't, I try and I try and I can't, 404 00:24:32,820 --> 00:24:36,180 and I can't, and I, oh, and I, I started a meditation meeting, right? 405 00:24:36,180 --> 00:24:37,220 So, cause I thought that that was it. 406 00:24:37,220 --> 00:24:39,220 I thought that that would help me meditate. 407 00:24:39,220 --> 00:24:43,620 Um, and I show up for that meeting, but I don't show up for a few minutes at home, you 408 00:24:43,620 --> 00:24:44,620 know? 409 00:24:44,620 --> 00:24:49,160 And, um, and so I had this experience when I meditated and, um, and everything sort of 410 00:24:49,160 --> 00:24:54,910 shifted and I had a different experience and I've, um, been meditating, you know, steadily 411 00:24:54,910 --> 00:25:01,310 and consistently since that experience, um, which was 25 days ago, according to my app. 412 00:25:01,310 --> 00:25:07,310 Um, and, um, and, um, and one of the things that I realized is like, I've always had the 413 00:25:07,310 --> 00:25:10,710 thing about the third step, which is that like, I just turn it over, you know, I just, 414 00:25:10,710 --> 00:25:12,710 I'm just going to take my problems and I'm going to turn it over. 415 00:25:12,710 --> 00:25:16,710 And then I imagine God like throwing them right back down, you know, it's like, oh, but 416 00:25:16,710 --> 00:25:19,310 I turned that over, like I'm turning it over. 417 00:25:19,310 --> 00:25:24,310 And I realized in reading the book this time through of like, oh, and then after we take 418 00:25:24,310 --> 00:25:28,510 the third step, we, we have, we take action, like there's action. 419 00:25:28,510 --> 00:25:33,710 It's not just like, okay, fix it, you know, I'm going to go, uh, binge Game of Thrones. 420 00:25:33,710 --> 00:25:35,710 Uh, let me know when I'm better. 421 00:25:35,710 --> 00:25:36,710 Um, I, um. 422 00:25:36,710 --> 00:25:45,310 Which I'm, I mean, I'm still doing that, but, uh, um, so, so I'm doing like this really 423 00:25:45,310 --> 00:25:52,410 thorough four step, you know, and, um, I am, I am doing the, the thing of like, you know, 424 00:25:52,410 --> 00:25:58,710 writing down all my resentments and, um, you know, um, the cause and, and why, you know, 425 00:25:58,710 --> 00:26:01,830 and, um, what most of it has to do with fear. 426 00:26:01,830 --> 00:26:05,630 Like so much of it doesn't have anything to do with what the other person is doing, but 427 00:26:05,630 --> 00:26:06,630 it has to do with what I think. 428 00:26:06,630 --> 00:26:07,630 They, that means, and what that means about me. 429 00:26:07,630 --> 00:26:08,630 And, um, you know, I, I am not to the fifth step this time around, but, um, I, I'm like, 430 00:26:08,630 --> 00:26:09,630 I don't know, my sponsor's going to have to take a week off work. 431 00:26:09,630 --> 00:26:10,630 I don't know how we're going to do it. 432 00:26:10,630 --> 00:26:11,630 It's so long. 433 00:26:11,630 --> 00:26:12,630 Um, and, um, but I know, you know, um, here's what I know about the fourth step, right? 434 00:26:12,630 --> 00:26:13,630 Like, so a few years ago, my son went to a party and, uh, it was a pool party and he 435 00:26:13,630 --> 00:26:14,630 came home and he was in tears and he was like, my friend pushed me in the pool. 436 00:26:14,630 --> 00:26:15,630 And I was like, oh buddy, I'm so sorry. 437 00:26:15,630 --> 00:26:16,630 And he was crying about it. 438 00:26:16,630 --> 00:26:17,630 And he kept going on and on and on about, you know, his friend pushed him in the pool. 439 00:26:17,630 --> 00:26:18,630 His friend pushed him in the pool. 440 00:26:18,630 --> 00:26:19,630 And like after a while I was like, Hey, so what's the thing that you do that you really 441 00:26:19,630 --> 00:26:20,630 enjoy doing? 442 00:26:20,630 --> 00:26:21,630 And he said, why do you care so much about me? 443 00:26:21,630 --> 00:26:22,630 And I was like, I'm not the person that you are. 444 00:26:22,630 --> 00:26:23,630 I'm the person that makes you feel the best that you have been. 445 00:26:23,630 --> 00:26:24,630 And my little friend, oh, he's a great guy. 446 00:26:24,630 --> 00:26:25,630 He's a great guy. 447 00:26:25,630 --> 00:26:26,630 He's done a great job. 448 00:26:26,630 --> 00:26:27,630 And so I, I, I kept to work and I was a little bit, I was in the first year of my life. 449 00:26:27,630 --> 00:26:28,630 I love work. 450 00:26:28,630 --> 00:26:29,630 I love that it's not like all the other things. 451 00:26:29,630 --> 00:26:34,670 is in tears. And he was like, my friend pushed me in the pool. And I was like, oh, buddy, I'm so 452 00:26:34,670 --> 00:26:39,470 sorry. And he was crying about it. And he kept going on and on and on about, you know, his friend 453 00:26:39,470 --> 00:26:43,450 pushed him in the pool, his friend pushed him in the pool. And like, after a while, I was like, 454 00:26:43,570 --> 00:26:51,050 hey, so what's the thing that you did right before he pushed you in the pool? And he thought about it 455 00:26:51,050 --> 00:26:55,850 for a second. And he was like, um, well, I went up to him. And I just was like, I'm gonna push you 456 00:26:55,850 --> 00:27:01,610 in the pool. And I was like, oh, I think that I can help you see what happened, you know, which 457 00:27:01,610 --> 00:27:06,750 is that he stepped on the toes of his fellows, and they retaliated. And he set the ball rolling by 458 00:27:06,750 --> 00:27:10,970 threatening this kid. And the kid was just defending himself for, you know, he didn't want 459 00:27:10,970 --> 00:27:15,510 to get pushed in the pool. So he did it first. And but what my son was giving me was the victim 460 00:27:15,510 --> 00:27:20,230 slice, you know, right? Well, because he was like seven. And so that's fine. But I'm not seven. So 461 00:27:20,230 --> 00:27:25,830 it's not fine. And I can tell you my story in the victim's life of, oh, he did this, 462 00:27:25,830 --> 00:27:29,910 and she did that. And this is what my boss is doing. And this is what my husband did. 463 00:27:30,150 --> 00:27:35,410 And I can just tell you this part, they pushed me in the pool. But the fourth step is like, 464 00:27:35,510 --> 00:27:41,030 oh, okay, but what's the thing that they that you did right before they pushed you in the pool? 465 00:27:41,230 --> 00:27:45,850 What? Where did you set the ball rolling? Right? It says, like, you know, where did I make a 466 00:27:45,850 --> 00:27:51,470 decision based on self that set me up to be hurt later. And that was bad news when I first read it. 467 00:27:51,470 --> 00:27:55,810 But now it's great news. It's great news. Because for the most part, and this doesn't, 468 00:27:55,830 --> 00:28:01,630 have anything to do with things that happen when you're a kid. But like, as an adult, I feel that 469 00:28:01,630 --> 00:28:07,050 in most of the situations, you know, there are exceptions, but most of the situations I had a 470 00:28:07,050 --> 00:28:14,130 part, I played a part, I absolutely set the ball rolling, you know, and, and, and so because of 471 00:28:14,130 --> 00:28:19,010 that, I'm not a victim of my life today, you know, things don't just happen to me, you know, 472 00:28:19,150 --> 00:28:23,730 and things used to just happen to me. And I thought it was such a coincidence that the same 473 00:28:23,730 --> 00:28:25,470 things kept happening. And, 474 00:28:25,830 --> 00:28:29,050 you know, if there's something that keeps happening, it's because there's something I keep 475 00:28:29,050 --> 00:28:36,210 doing. And the thing about the four step is that I thought that it was this really painful, awful 476 00:28:36,210 --> 00:28:39,950 thing, right? You do this four step, and you have to write down all your mistakes. And it's this, 477 00:28:40,370 --> 00:28:45,750 it and it's just, who wants to look at all the things you did wrong. And I recently heard someone 478 00:28:45,750 --> 00:28:49,010 talk, they weren't talking about the four step, but I think it applies, which is really like, 479 00:28:49,010 --> 00:28:54,630 it's not about for me, all the things that like, I'm a terrible person, it's that I made some 480 00:28:54,630 --> 00:28:55,210 mistakes. 481 00:28:55,210 --> 00:29:01,950 I just made some mistakes. And that it's a really self loving thing to go and try and figure out 482 00:29:01,950 --> 00:29:07,150 what those things are, so that I can live with dignity. And so that I don't make those mistakes 483 00:29:07,150 --> 00:29:13,490 again. And so that it's not just about beating up on myself or hating myself or, or wallowing. And 484 00:29:13,490 --> 00:29:17,470 like, because that takes away from me being useful, like it says in the book, it's just about 485 00:29:17,470 --> 00:29:24,530 like, like a loving parent saying, Okay, like, you did this thing. And, and you were scared. And 486 00:29:24,530 --> 00:29:25,190 like, how did you do that? And so that's what I'm trying to do. And so that's what I'm trying to do. And so 487 00:29:25,190 --> 00:29:25,310 that's what I'm trying to do. And so that's what I'm trying to do. And so that's what I'm trying to do. And 488 00:29:25,310 --> 00:29:29,770 how could you do it differently next time? And how can you make up for it? You know, like, how can 489 00:29:29,770 --> 00:29:36,870 you it just, just being a loving parent to myself. And because like the most abusive relationship that 490 00:29:36,870 --> 00:29:41,670 I'm in today is the one that I have with myself, you know, like, there's no one who talks to me the 491 00:29:41,670 --> 00:29:46,750 way I talk to myself, there's no one who does the things or, or betrays me in the way that I do 492 00:29:46,750 --> 00:29:51,410 myself. And that's changing, you know, it's changing because I'm doing this work. You know, 493 00:29:51,410 --> 00:29:55,170 and so I get to figure out what my defects of character are. And so I'm trying to figure out what 494 00:29:55,190 --> 00:29:59,050 my defects of character are, because like, you know, I'm a crafty alcoholic. And so I you can 495 00:29:59,050 --> 00:30:04,490 take away the alcohol and drugs, but I'm going to find other ways like, you know, like, I've heard 496 00:30:04,490 --> 00:30:08,210 this guy Phil say, like, I have a disease and it's going to get treated, it's either going to get 497 00:30:08,210 --> 00:30:12,890 treated by alcohol, or it's going to get treated with the steps and God, or I'm going to find 498 00:30:12,890 --> 00:30:17,990 something else. And so in sobriety, I have found something else, I found a lot of something else's 499 00:30:17,990 --> 00:30:22,850 and you know, I've had a lot of time to find something else's. And none of them work, you know, 500 00:30:22,850 --> 00:30:27,590 none of the obsessions, like, none of the obsessions I've had are ever relieved by 501 00:30:27,590 --> 00:30:33,930 getting the thing I'm obsessing about just changes into something else. And so, you know, and then 502 00:30:33,930 --> 00:30:39,330 we get to make amends, like we get to set things right. And there's no step that I made more 503 00:30:39,330 --> 00:30:43,990 mistakes with than the ninth step. Because I, you know, I did my eight step list, and then people 504 00:30:43,990 --> 00:30:48,710 just appeared. And so then I would just make amends. And like, I made amends on a bus and like, 505 00:30:48,710 --> 00:30:52,830 just was not the right time. And I was going to a wedding of a friend, 506 00:30:52,850 --> 00:30:56,610 and I told my sponsor, I'm like, I'm gonna get so many amends done this weekend. And she was like, 507 00:30:56,810 --> 00:31:04,390 no, it is a wedding, it is not your amends to her. And, and this time going through my fourth step, 508 00:31:04,390 --> 00:31:08,190 it's funny, because there's so many things that are still on there that were on my first fourth 509 00:31:08,190 --> 00:31:12,410 step. And the reason I think they are is because I never made I didn't make those amends, I, 510 00:31:12,510 --> 00:31:17,950 I justified my way out of it. And like, this stuff doesn't go away, it doesn't go away, 511 00:31:17,950 --> 00:31:22,490 unless we clear it up. And, you know, I get to, 512 00:31:22,850 --> 00:31:29,090 do a nightly 10 step. And that is something that I'm doing now that I didn't do before, 513 00:31:29,090 --> 00:31:33,350 which I just is like a quick check in. And knowing that I'm going to have that check in, like I used 514 00:31:33,350 --> 00:31:38,930 to say, I only do a 10 step when I'm in the mood for freedom, right? And like, that's not enough 515 00:31:38,930 --> 00:31:43,610 for me anymore. Like, I have to do a 10 step at night, because knowing that I have this, like 516 00:31:43,610 --> 00:31:49,490 checklist of things that I'm going to need to look at helps me do better during the day, because I'm 517 00:31:49,490 --> 00:31:52,830 like, Oh, if I'm gonna have to write that down in my notebook, like, ah, I'll wait. 518 00:31:52,850 --> 00:31:57,070 Like, I'll be patient, I won't honk that horn, I won't say what I want to say. Because I don't 519 00:31:57,070 --> 00:32:01,370 want to have to write it down later. And I don't want to have to make amends for it. And, you know, 520 00:32:01,410 --> 00:32:06,390 my meditation practice has just changed. And it's like, you know, I have alcoholism. So my disease 521 00:32:06,390 --> 00:32:11,730 tells me like, however things are today, this is how it's always going to be right. Like I'm not, 522 00:32:11,810 --> 00:32:16,310 I'm not, quote, unquote, good at meditating, I'm never going to be able to do it. I'm always going 523 00:32:16,310 --> 00:32:21,550 to just, you know, and my experience of Alcoholics Anonymous is that if I do something different, 524 00:32:21,550 --> 00:32:22,790 I get a different result. 525 00:32:22,850 --> 00:32:29,310 Like, and so that's, that's been happening. And, um, you know, I was talking to a friend of mine, 526 00:32:29,310 --> 00:32:33,850 and he was like, you know, I was telling him I was having a really hard time and really struggling. 527 00:32:33,850 --> 00:32:38,210 And he said, you know, that thing about like, you know, when we're, we're having a hard time, 528 00:32:38,210 --> 00:32:43,490 and we come to meetings, and we, we get more in the middle, and we take commitments, and we, 529 00:32:43,710 --> 00:32:49,010 you know, we sponsor more people, and we just like get in the middle of it, and things get better. 530 00:32:49,010 --> 00:32:52,250 And I was like, Yeah, I know, I'm doing all of that. 531 00:32:52,250 --> 00:32:58,650 And he was like, Yeah, I'm gonna need you to do it in your marriage. And I was like, what? And, 532 00:32:58,730 --> 00:33:04,430 and so when we talk about practice these principles in all our affairs, it's like, 533 00:33:04,710 --> 00:33:11,310 oh, I can, I can come to AA and be on great behavior and like get in the middle and put 534 00:33:11,310 --> 00:33:16,410 my hand out and really do this thing. But then what am I bringing home? You know, like, 535 00:33:16,410 --> 00:33:22,070 what am I, what am I doing when I get home? You know, like, are the people I love the most, 536 00:33:22,130 --> 00:33:22,230 you know, are they the people that I love the most? And I'm like, I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. 537 00:33:22,250 --> 00:33:27,150 I'm getting the best version of me, you know, and so I, my husband doesn't know this, because he's 538 00:33:27,150 --> 00:33:30,610 a normie, and he doesn't need to know, but I've taken up some commitments in our house. 539 00:33:31,370 --> 00:33:40,050 I took the coffee commitment, which is that I, I get up and I make him coffee. I took the 540 00:33:40,050 --> 00:33:46,150 greeter commitment, which is that I get off my phone. And when I come home, I say I find him and 541 00:33:46,150 --> 00:33:50,970 I say hello, and I greet him. And in the morning, I greet him with good morning instead of who's 542 00:33:50,970 --> 00:33:51,890 going to take the kid to school? 543 00:33:51,890 --> 00:33:55,910 Did you do the thing? And I didn't? Oh, could you? Is there any laundry? You know, 544 00:33:56,290 --> 00:34:00,850 I say good morning, you know, it's like these simple things and, and the cleanup commitment, 545 00:34:01,230 --> 00:34:06,530 which is just, you know, that I just clean up before, you know, just clean up after myself. 546 00:34:06,890 --> 00:34:13,050 And, and it's funny, because it's little things. It's a little thing to do. It doesn't take any 547 00:34:13,050 --> 00:34:18,650 time. And the the minute that I do something different, I get a different result. And things 548 00:34:18,650 --> 00:34:21,870 start to shift, and things start to soften, and things start to change. And I'm like, oh, 549 00:34:21,870 --> 00:34:31,930 change. And, you know, just by just by behaving differently. And I don't know, I, I'm just 550 00:34:31,930 --> 00:34:35,990 grateful to Alcoholics Anonymous, because I don't know how to do this thing. I don't know how to I 551 00:34:35,990 --> 00:34:43,690 don't know how to, you know, stay sober for a while and, and, and be like, have a job and a kid 552 00:34:43,690 --> 00:34:49,610 and like, I've never done all this before. And like Alcoholics Anonymous gently shows me how to 553 00:34:49,610 --> 00:34:51,290 show up for this life that I have. 554 00:34:51,870 --> 00:34:57,010 Gently people pointing out, like, maybe do this, or maybe try this, or maybe, you know, 555 00:34:57,030 --> 00:35:04,010 stop doing that. And, and so I'm grateful for that. And I just want to say, I was talking to 556 00:35:04,010 --> 00:35:08,730 someone before the meeting, you know, I want to say happy birthday, happy birthday, happy Mother's 557 00:35:08,730 --> 00:35:17,250 Day to all the moms, you know, I just, you know, being a sober mom is like a huge, huge gift in 558 00:35:17,250 --> 00:35:21,330 my life. And it's, it's hard, because, 559 00:35:21,870 --> 00:35:28,210 we were talking about when you first have a kid, and it's that thing of like, feeling like I wasn't 560 00:35:28,210 --> 00:35:35,690 being a good mom, if I left my baby to go to a meeting, you know, and what I have learned is that 561 00:35:35,690 --> 00:35:44,030 I put AA first, and, and because I put AA first, I'm able to take that time for myself. And, and, 562 00:35:44,030 --> 00:35:51,150 and that helps me to be a more patient, present, loving mom, I have to put AA first, and my family 563 00:35:51,150 --> 00:35:51,790 knows that. 564 00:35:51,870 --> 00:35:58,730 And, and I'm, and I'm grateful that they, you know, support that and allow that and understand 565 00:35:58,730 --> 00:36:07,610 that. And so happy Mother's Day to all the moms. And I think, I think that's all I got. So thank 566 00:36:07,610 --> 00:36:08,350 you so much for listening.