1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:06,920 Hi, everybody. I'm Lisa. I'm an alcoholic. And I'm really grateful to be here. And I 2 00:00:06,920 --> 00:00:12,160 want to thank Oscar for asking me. It is an honor and a privilege. And I met Oscar a few 3 00:00:12,160 --> 00:00:17,660 years ago. And he's just a great example of this program. Always smiling, always helping, 4 00:00:17,920 --> 00:00:23,840 always willing. And I really need that. I appreciate that so much. So my sobriety date 5 00:00:23,840 --> 00:00:29,200 is January 13, 2004. And I have a home group. That's the Tuesday Night Pacific group. And 6 00:00:29,200 --> 00:00:35,200 I have a sponsor. And she has a sponsor. And she has a sponsor. And I am just so grateful 7 00:00:35,200 --> 00:00:39,720 to God and Alcoholics Anonymous that I'm sober here. Because I should be dead. I should be 8 00:00:39,720 --> 00:00:44,840 dead. Because for a long time, I did whatever I wanted, however I wanted, whenever I wanted. 9 00:00:45,040 --> 00:00:52,120 And it just simply did not work. And it took me a lot of places. So by the grace of God, 10 00:00:52,180 --> 00:00:57,980 I'm here. And you know, today I'm trying to make my life sacred. I'm trying to bring God's 11 00:00:57,980 --> 00:01:03,320 will into every action in all of my affairs. Because that's where I get my power and my 12 00:01:03,320 --> 00:01:07,880 strength. That's where I get my peace. It's not about money. It's not about property. It's not 13 00:01:07,880 --> 00:01:13,020 about prestige. It's about sharing this program with another alcoholic and staying sober. And 14 00:01:13,020 --> 00:01:19,800 you know, doing God's will for fun and for free. So I'm the oldest of four. And my father was an 15 00:01:19,800 --> 00:01:24,620 alcoholic. He was very abusive. When I was a little girl, I used to rescue my mom and try 16 00:01:24,620 --> 00:01:27,960 to fix everything. And for a really long time, I was trying to fix everything. And I was trying to 17 00:01:27,980 --> 00:01:32,260 fix everything. And I thought it was my parents' fault why I was alcoholic. Come to find out after 18 00:01:32,260 --> 00:01:36,860 working the steps and staying sober for a while, you know, that's all on me. You know, that has 19 00:01:36,860 --> 00:01:43,840 nothing to do with that. So I grew up like this. And you know, I thought I was entitled. My first 20 00:01:43,840 --> 00:01:48,640 drink was around junior high. We cut school. I went with a bunch of girls. We went to somebody's 21 00:01:48,640 --> 00:01:53,600 parents' house who wasn't home. And we drank a lot of booze. We got really drunk. We invited some 22 00:01:53,600 --> 00:01:57,960 boys. And one of the girls puked all over the place. And I was like, I'm going to go to a 23 00:01:57,980 --> 00:02:02,800 The other girl had a really bad experience. I guess she was making out with her boyfriend. And 24 00:02:02,800 --> 00:02:07,980 she had been sexually abused or something. So it turned into a big nightmare. We all got caught. 25 00:02:08,140 --> 00:02:13,260 And you know, we're never going to do this again, you know. And yeah, it was kind of scary. But the 26 00:02:13,260 --> 00:02:17,300 next time I really remember getting drunk, you know, my dad always had alcohol. I had tasted 27 00:02:17,300 --> 00:02:23,040 his alcohol. He also had marijuana and pills. And I am an alcoholic. I love alcohol. I love what it 28 00:02:23,040 --> 00:02:27,960 does for me. It makes me feel like Wonder Woman, you know. And I like that. I don't have to feel, 29 00:02:27,980 --> 00:02:33,720 anything. I just can just go on blazing, doing everything. But I think it was at a football game 30 00:02:33,720 --> 00:02:41,280 in my like ninth grade. I drank a bottle of Mad Dog 2020. And I was like, woo, this is awesome. 31 00:02:41,920 --> 00:02:47,180 I mean, I puked for three days and was super sick and, you know, swore it off. But you know, 32 00:02:47,220 --> 00:02:52,760 I did it again. You know, that was my first drink. And my best girlfriend, she met her husband, 33 00:02:52,760 --> 00:02:57,920 we, you know, later on, or that night, she ended up marrying him. And it was kind of, 34 00:02:57,980 --> 00:03:03,500 funny. But I continued to drink and to use. You know, I went, I graduated high school. I was 35 00:03:03,500 --> 00:03:09,260 supposed to be top of the class. I was like top of the class. But I always ditched school whenever 36 00:03:09,260 --> 00:03:14,200 I wanted. I was pretty smart. I did my work. But I didn't want anything to do with it. You know, 37 00:03:14,240 --> 00:03:18,840 I wanted to drink and do whatever I wanted. I lived with my parents for a while. I think I 38 00:03:18,840 --> 00:03:25,900 moved out around 17 and got my own little place. I was waiting on tables. And it was good. I went 39 00:03:25,900 --> 00:03:27,960 to trade tech. That was kind of interesting. And I was like, oh, I'm going to do this. I'm going to 40 00:03:27,960 --> 00:03:32,520 do this. And I wanted to go to the Rolling Stones concert. And I needed an oil change. And I didn't 41 00:03:32,520 --> 00:03:36,680 change my oil because I was too busy drinking and carrying on, smoking a little grass and having a 42 00:03:36,680 --> 00:03:42,340 good time. And I blew my motor at the Rolling Stones concert. So always check your oil. You 43 00:03:42,340 --> 00:03:47,100 know what I mean? Anyway, I was taking the bus. And I remember I was the kind of girl, you know, 44 00:03:47,140 --> 00:03:54,040 these guys asked if I wanted a ride. And I got in and we went to the West Side. And we drank booze 45 00:03:54,040 --> 00:03:57,940 and we smoked. I never freebased Coke, but we freebased cocaine. And then I was like, oh, 46 00:03:57,960 --> 00:04:02,740 and the one guy started chasing me around the room. And I was so scared. I remember being so 47 00:04:02,740 --> 00:04:08,180 scared. But I called my, you know, walked to a bus stop. The one, his buddy gave me five bucks and 48 00:04:08,180 --> 00:04:13,640 his other buddy to go get more beer. And I called my mom and she picked me up. And I, again, swore 49 00:04:13,640 --> 00:04:18,480 off alcohol. But these are, you know, my best thinking has gotten me here. You know, I think 50 00:04:18,480 --> 00:04:25,500 I know everything. You can't tell me anything. And I'm just like a whirlwind. So after that, 51 00:04:25,500 --> 00:04:27,800 I think I started working at another 52 00:04:27,960 --> 00:04:33,540 restaurant. And I worked at the Sheraton Universal. I was like 19. I got in because my friend was 53 00:04:33,540 --> 00:04:40,220 there. And I had roommates. And everybody would go drink at the casting office after work. So I went 54 00:04:40,220 --> 00:04:45,820 and we were drinking and having a good time. And I got introduced to my ex-husband. I didn't know 55 00:04:45,820 --> 00:04:51,420 at the time. He was 36. I was 19. I wasn't even legal to drink. And, you know, we were closing 56 00:04:51,420 --> 00:04:56,980 the bar and doing other things like cocaine and some other things you shouldn't be doing. 57 00:04:57,140 --> 00:04:57,940 And it was just, you know, I was like, I'm not going to drink. I'm not going to drink. I'm not 58 00:04:57,960 --> 00:05:00,780 going to drink. And it was just so much fun. I couldn't believe you could do these kind of things 59 00:05:00,780 --> 00:05:06,020 as grownups. You know, I was like, wow, this is really cool. We went to David Carradine's house. 60 00:05:06,220 --> 00:05:11,380 We partied with Sylvester Stallone and his brother, Peter. I mean, just all these, you know, 61 00:05:11,420 --> 00:05:17,280 I thought it was so cool. It was like the 80s. And it was really cool. But our relationship 62 00:05:17,280 --> 00:05:22,380 didn't really go very well. After a while, I had a daughter. And I remember he didn't 63 00:05:22,380 --> 00:05:27,480 quit drinking. I did when I was pregnant. And after I had her about four months, 64 00:05:27,960 --> 00:05:32,960 up nursing her, I started drinking again. And it was just on. You know, one time I forgot her 65 00:05:32,960 --> 00:05:37,540 birthday when she was four. I mean, we had been partying all night. And I was just puking and 66 00:05:37,540 --> 00:05:42,840 couldn't get up and take care of this little girl. And I felt so guilty. That didn't stop me. And 67 00:05:42,840 --> 00:05:48,200 this went on for a long time. He was quite abusive. I managed to get out of that relationship. And 68 00:05:48,200 --> 00:05:54,320 then I put myself back in school. I went to Valley and got my real estate license. And then I was on 69 00:05:54,320 --> 00:05:57,800 my own again. And I thought I was all cured. I went to the Church of Religious Science, 70 00:05:57,800 --> 00:06:01,160 for a while. And I thought I had found God. You know, they taught you, you know, 71 00:06:01,160 --> 00:06:06,580 the power of positive thought and how if you say affirmations, it kind of heals you. So my 72 00:06:06,580 --> 00:06:12,860 drinking kind of calmed down. I was no longer using for a while. And I got bored, started 73 00:06:12,860 --> 00:06:18,800 hanging out with the bar again, joined a dart team. Yeah, met my next boyfriend who I was with 74 00:06:18,800 --> 00:06:23,560 for like seven years. And one of the first things I asked him is if you you know, you don't do drugs, 75 00:06:23,560 --> 00:06:27,260 right? Because I didn't want to do any more of that. He said, Yeah, yeah, no, no. And so we 76 00:06:27,800 --> 00:06:33,620 started drinking. And I move them right in right after. And right after, you know, we're in love. 77 00:06:33,620 --> 00:06:39,320 And then we live together for like seven years. And this relationship is, it goes from kind of 78 00:06:39,320 --> 00:06:45,680 good to really sad and really bad. There is more drugs. There's crystal meth now. And I have this 79 00:06:45,680 --> 00:06:50,600 little girl, I forgot her at school one day until like seven o'clock. She's in fifth grade. And I 80 00:06:50,600 --> 00:06:54,740 didn't remember to get her. You know, I was too busy hung over throwing up from booze. And then, 81 00:06:54,740 --> 00:06:57,380 you know, I also worked in a bar. And 82 00:06:57,800 --> 00:07:02,360 the drinking at that bar, you know, I'd have double shots of tequila to do my job. And I drink 83 00:07:02,360 --> 00:07:08,660 all night, party all night. And that that gentleman ended up killing himself when I was like 33. He hung 84 00:07:08,660 --> 00:07:14,420 himself on my front steps. And it just really kind of set me before I was kind of controlling and 85 00:07:14,420 --> 00:07:19,520 enjoying it. And after that, I was no longer controlling and enjoying it. And it was really 86 00:07:19,520 --> 00:07:25,280 hard. You know, I gave my daughter away to her dad who was an alcoholic as well. But he was dry at 87 00:07:25,280 --> 00:07:27,780 the time. And I did a geographic, I moved to the high desert. And I was like, Oh, I don't want to go 88 00:07:27,800 --> 00:07:33,920 to the desert. I moved to state line got a job and got fired shortly after because I couldn't stop 89 00:07:33,920 --> 00:07:38,840 drinking. And those trays are really heavy. And you have to have balance. You know, when you stack 90 00:07:38,840 --> 00:07:43,880 them all up, and you've been drinking a lot, it just is not good. I got fired for dropping trays. 91 00:07:43,880 --> 00:07:50,240 And so then, of course, I get a job at a bar in searchlight. And it's just on and I'm just 92 00:07:50,240 --> 00:07:56,240 drinking a lot of booze. I gave my daughter to her dad, I'm feeling really sorry for myself. And 93 00:07:56,240 --> 00:08:00,960 it's just not a pretty sight and shortly thereafter I'm meeting all sorts of men you know 94 00:08:00,960 --> 00:08:05,780 some of the speakers talked about that I don't even know their names but if they had booze they 95 00:08:05,780 --> 00:08:10,240 were my friend and you'd wake up and you're like oh how'd I get here who are you you know you have 96 00:08:10,240 --> 00:08:16,960 no idea but on one of my trips back I remember I was bartending at Searchlight and her dad was 97 00:08:16,960 --> 00:08:21,280 yelling at me telling me I had to get my shit together and I was telling him screw you you know 98 00:08:21,280 --> 00:08:26,080 it was my day off it was early in the morning I had a couple of beers I had a Bloody Mary had 99 00:08:26,080 --> 00:08:32,720 a tequila sunrise and I remember driving from Searchlight Nevada to Van Nuys in like an hour 100 00:08:32,720 --> 00:08:38,040 and a half I don't know how I got there I have no idea how I got there and I knock on this door 101 00:08:38,040 --> 00:08:43,260 and this little girl opens the door and she's like mommy you smell like beer and then her dad 102 00:08:43,260 --> 00:08:48,580 comes over and um so I leave he's gonna call the police and of course we run I'm I'm a coward you 103 00:08:48,580 --> 00:08:52,660 know welcome to the newcomers I forgot to say that I hope that I say something that will help you 104 00:08:52,660 --> 00:08:56,000 stay here um Alcoholics Anonymous is a 105 00:08:56,000 --> 00:08:56,060 disaster and it's a disaster and it's a disaster and it's a disaster and it's a disaster and it's 106 00:08:56,060 --> 00:08:56,080 a disaster and it's a disaster and it's a disaster and it's a disaster and it's a disaster and it's a 107 00:08:56,080 --> 00:09:01,100 design for living and it's just really really saved my life excuse me I'm gonna cough again but 108 00:09:01,100 --> 00:09:07,140 anyway so I'm carrying on on my way back I meet another guy he's really big he talks really slow 109 00:09:07,140 --> 00:09:12,140 you know I've never met anybody from prison he asked for a ride in my truck and I say sure 110 00:09:12,140 --> 00:09:18,180 because I'm crazy and so um I give him a ride and he moves in like in two more weeks you know 111 00:09:18,180 --> 00:09:22,580 we're living together and I had no idea but I thought he could fix me you know I was always 112 00:09:22,580 --> 00:09:26,060 looking for something on the outside to fix me and um I didn't and I didn't and I didn't 113 00:09:26,060 --> 00:09:31,900 like me I had all of this pain I didn't want to feel anything and I would lay at home in that 114 00:09:31,900 --> 00:09:36,280 little trailer I lived in a little trailer nipped and it was a travel trailer probably like from 115 00:09:36,280 --> 00:09:42,420 there to maybe here by myself no locks on the door alone and I cried myself for hours and I didn't 116 00:09:42,420 --> 00:09:47,880 know why I would just sob for hours I was so miserable but of course I'm not done yet um we're 117 00:09:47,880 --> 00:09:52,720 still you know he we're going out he's buying me margaritas but I'm not doing drugs I ended up 118 00:09:52,720 --> 00:09:56,040 getting pregnant and um we end up moving in together and I'm like I'm not gonna do this I'm 119 00:09:56,040 --> 00:09:56,300 not gonna do this I'm not gonna do this I'm not gonna do this I'm not gonna do this I'm not gonna do this 120 00:09:56,300 --> 00:10:00,740 for a little while we kind of have a good life I think it's I'm all better you know he fixed me 121 00:10:00,740 --> 00:10:07,540 I have a baby I'm a beautiful baby boy I was about um 36 when I had James and I I didn't drink when 122 00:10:07,540 --> 00:10:12,920 I was pregnant and we had this little life but you know as time goes on he's working as an uh um 123 00:10:12,920 --> 00:10:17,280 he got a job in some construction thing making good money and so I'm a stay-at-home mom and 124 00:10:17,280 --> 00:10:22,300 you start getting a little bored and you know the guy in back drinks and he's drinking and so I'm 125 00:10:22,300 --> 00:10:26,020 thinking what's a little drink gonna do you know so I have a little drink there's always a little drink 126 00:10:26,040 --> 00:10:30,300 is Jack Daniels and Bacardi. And before you know it, we have a keg of beer in the garage. And 127 00:10:30,300 --> 00:10:35,560 before you know it, I need to go back to LA to see my friends for a little minute to have a little 128 00:10:35,560 --> 00:10:40,520 something extra so I can drink a little more. And all of a sudden, I wake up one morning in my 129 00:10:40,520 --> 00:10:45,920 garage and there's five brand new generators. You know, he was in jail for like grand theft and 130 00:10:45,920 --> 00:10:50,700 stealing and things and he had started drinking and using and now we have like a whole garage 131 00:10:50,700 --> 00:10:55,940 full of hot merchandise. And I'm crying and I'm begging him, you know, and he goes to jail. So 132 00:10:55,940 --> 00:11:00,300 he goes to jail. I'm feeling really sorry for myself. I have a two-year-old and a 17-year-old 133 00:11:00,300 --> 00:11:05,760 and my best idea is to, you know, because she's drinking. She's doing beer runs with her buddies. 134 00:11:06,060 --> 00:11:13,320 They go to a liquor store. They run in and grab alcohol and get in the car and run out. And she's 135 00:11:13,320 --> 00:11:18,040 been caught in trouble. And I'm just like, oh, it's no big deal. It's no big deal. Just start 136 00:11:18,040 --> 00:11:21,880 to drink with me. I mean, this is the kind of mother and person that I am. This is where my 137 00:11:21,880 --> 00:11:25,880 alcoholism is taking me. And, you know, I also did meth with her. 138 00:11:25,940 --> 00:11:29,980 Because she was going to do it with her friends. And I'm like, well, maybe you should do it with 139 00:11:29,980 --> 00:11:35,360 me. It would be a lot safer. So I'm a really sick person. And, you know, when I got here, 140 00:11:35,420 --> 00:11:39,280 I didn't think I was an alcoholic and I didn't think I had a problem. And I thought you people 141 00:11:39,280 --> 00:11:45,840 were really weird. And I wasn't quite sure. But I stayed because I was super desperate. So to the 142 00:11:45,840 --> 00:11:51,100 new people, I hope you're super desperate. You know, so this went on for a long time. And I had 143 00:11:51,100 --> 00:11:55,360 nine jobs in like a two-year period. Couldn't work. Had to go get welfare. When I went to get 144 00:11:55,940 --> 00:12:00,020 high desert, they're like, well, you have college and you have a real estate. They were really mean 145 00:12:00,020 --> 00:12:05,260 to me. And I was thinking, God, that's another reason to drink. It's so not fair, you know. 146 00:12:05,620 --> 00:12:10,960 But anyway, so I just continued to drink and have these jobs and get fired. You know, I could work 147 00:12:10,960 --> 00:12:15,660 for a few days and then I'd have to have a drink. And then I couldn't show up. Or if I showed up, 148 00:12:15,660 --> 00:12:20,820 I was hungover and I tell you how to do your job. And that just doesn't work very well. 149 00:12:21,900 --> 00:12:25,640 So it's a mess. He gets out of jail and, 150 00:12:25,940 --> 00:12:33,160 I'm going to try to get sober. And, you know, it's really hard. And I remember he crashed all 151 00:12:33,160 --> 00:12:38,620 of our cars. I drove one of the cars. He gets out and I drive one of the Suzuki Samurai and it got 152 00:12:38,620 --> 00:12:43,140 stuck on the railroad tracks. But he doesn't have a problem either. He was drinking. And I drive it 153 00:12:43,140 --> 00:12:48,620 to the meeting. There's no doors. It's all smashed in the front. I mean, I think everything's just 154 00:12:48,620 --> 00:12:54,540 fine. But I get a little depressed and I call AA and somebody picks me up and they take me to a 155 00:12:54,540 --> 00:12:55,920 meeting. And they make me drink. And I'm like, I'm going to get sober. And I'm like, I'm going to 156 00:12:55,920 --> 00:13:01,900 read the promises. And I just cry and cry. But I don't stop. And then I go to an outpatient program 157 00:13:01,900 --> 00:13:06,420 because I don't know what to do. And the lady says, well, okay, you're going to have to do this, 158 00:13:06,900 --> 00:13:12,600 this, and that. And I'm like, I'm not that bad. And you don't get better. You don't get better. 159 00:13:12,880 --> 00:13:18,800 So what ends up happening is I get really scared because now he's getting high with my daughter. 160 00:13:18,920 --> 00:13:24,020 She's still getting drunk. I have like a three-year-old and I think she's 17, almost 18. 161 00:13:24,020 --> 00:13:25,680 And it's a big mess. And, 162 00:13:25,920 --> 00:13:32,060 I take off and I go to this place called Angel Steps. It's a recovery center in East LA near 163 00:13:32,060 --> 00:13:37,560 Chavez Boulevard or something like that. And I'm there for like 90 days. I have my little boy. 164 00:13:37,880 --> 00:13:43,280 They give us counseling. They give us anger management. They feed you. They give us a book 165 00:13:43,280 --> 00:13:47,760 like this to a bunch of girls for domestic violence because there was some abuse. And 166 00:13:47,760 --> 00:13:52,460 they say, do a meeting. So they leave. We don't do a meeting. We're screwing off. We're not taking 167 00:13:52,460 --> 00:13:55,440 this seriously. We're thinking, really? What's this all about? 168 00:13:55,920 --> 00:14:01,800 And I'm there for 88 days. And the lady tells me, you're going to get loaded. And I'm like, 169 00:14:01,800 --> 00:14:06,240 who are you? And sure enough, I take the train to my friend's house. By the way, I left my 170 00:14:06,240 --> 00:14:10,560 car there with my friends that drink and use just like me. And when I get there, there's 171 00:14:10,560 --> 00:14:15,380 no tires on my car. There's no starter. And my friend who was diabetic that drank just 172 00:14:15,380 --> 00:14:21,080 like me has missing a leg. And you know what? Probably within a few hours, I have a Budweiser 173 00:14:21,080 --> 00:14:25,760 in my hand. I didn't go to a meeting. There's just all this drama going on. And I continue, 174 00:14:25,760 --> 00:14:32,380 like this, until I really can't. Anyway, right after that, his dad calls and says he's going to 175 00:14:32,380 --> 00:14:38,560 take my son. So I give my son to the grandma. And then my mom says, if I go to treatment, 176 00:14:38,740 --> 00:14:43,240 she'll help me with my daughter. Because I left my daughter at her friend's house who drank just 177 00:14:43,240 --> 00:14:48,160 like that and do all sorts of crazy. I mean, I was so unaccountable. I just really didn't care. 178 00:14:48,800 --> 00:14:54,520 And my kids are the things that mean the most to me in my life. And alcohol took that away from me. 179 00:14:54,520 --> 00:14:55,740 It makes you care about nothing. It makes you care about nothing. It makes you care about nothing. 180 00:14:55,760 --> 00:15:02,880 This is truly, truly sad. But anyway, I did go to Tarzana Treatment Center. I was there for like 181 00:15:02,880 --> 00:15:07,240 five and a half months. It was really hard. I didn't want to stay. But I was desperate because 182 00:15:07,240 --> 00:15:12,040 on the way, before I went to Tarzana, we had gotten high one more time and drunk together 183 00:15:12,040 --> 00:15:16,000 because we had court. And I was really nervous. So you have to stop by and see your old friends. 184 00:15:16,160 --> 00:15:20,780 And there was Jack Daniels. And then there were other things. And we left the court paper on the 185 00:15:20,780 --> 00:15:25,740 top of the car and then showed up to court like wasted. And really, I don't know. I don't know. I 186 00:15:25,760 --> 00:15:25,840 really don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. 187 00:15:25,840 --> 00:15:32,260 Really bad idea. Really bad idea. And I was thinking to myself, I tried to buy my daughter lunch. And 188 00:15:32,260 --> 00:15:38,360 she's like, Mom, Mom, did you see these people? They're after us. And she was so paranoid. And 189 00:15:38,360 --> 00:15:42,820 I should have taken her to the hospital. But I was so worried that I was going to get arrested 190 00:15:42,820 --> 00:15:49,200 because I'm selfish, self-seeking, just another really sick alcoholic. I don't do that. So that's 191 00:15:49,200 --> 00:15:53,140 why I finally decided to go to Tarzana's because you know what? I'm going to lose my daughter. And 192 00:15:53,140 --> 00:15:53,980 I finally realized that my life has been a mess. And I'm going to lose my daughter. And I finally 193 00:15:53,980 --> 00:15:59,700 realized that my life has been an incredible mess. It's all been whatever I wanted to do. 194 00:16:00,000 --> 00:16:05,800 And if I want something different for my daughter, I need to be an example. And so I go. And I get 195 00:16:05,800 --> 00:16:11,180 sober. It was super hard. I'm there for five and a half months. I clean in the kitchen. I clean the 196 00:16:11,180 --> 00:16:15,880 bathrooms. I get a sponsor off a panel. I remember she took me to a meeting and she had me write 197 00:16:15,880 --> 00:16:21,200 about powerless and unmanageability. And I'm like, oh, I mean, I'm powerless over alcohol, 198 00:16:21,200 --> 00:16:23,060 but my life is not unmanageable. 199 00:16:23,980 --> 00:16:30,520 She starts laughing and goes, where are you? And I was so angry for so long. I slammed the car. She 200 00:16:30,520 --> 00:16:35,740 had this really fancy car. She was doing really well. And she told me, you know, if I ever do that 201 00:16:35,740 --> 00:16:40,700 again, she wasn't going to help me. And I remember going back in and just crying and calling her and 202 00:16:40,700 --> 00:16:47,640 saying, okay, whatever you want me to do. It was hard. I was so full of self. And this like survivor 203 00:16:47,640 --> 00:16:53,960 part in me that just takes over and just like mows down everybody. And thank God for this program. 204 00:16:53,980 --> 00:17:00,440 I started working my, my steps with this sponsor. And, um, I got a job on a bus from there. I'm still 205 00:17:00,440 --> 00:17:05,720 at that same job. It hasn't been easy. I said, that's impossible, but I got two jobs and I picked 206 00:17:05,720 --> 00:17:11,560 one. And, um, then I got visitation to my son and I started staying sober and I started going to 207 00:17:11,560 --> 00:17:16,980 court and I started doing whatever they told me to do, even though I was mad, even though he wasn't, 208 00:17:17,000 --> 00:17:22,380 it didn't matter. It was all about my side of the street. And, um, I put him in, uh, I had him three 209 00:17:22,380 --> 00:17:23,820 days a week and I got him started. 210 00:17:23,980 --> 00:17:30,560 I started coming home and being with, you know, taking him to the park and swimming and riding 211 00:17:30,560 --> 00:17:36,120 his bike, like things a normal mother should do. And, um, it felt really good. I remember, um, I 212 00:17:36,120 --> 00:17:40,400 had the worst credit when I finally, um, got it. I went to sober living for a few months and then I 213 00:17:40,400 --> 00:17:45,200 got an apartment because somebody in the program helped me, um, because my credit was just ruined 214 00:17:45,200 --> 00:17:50,300 and we were watching TV and it was sad. It was some monster movie and he started to cry and I 215 00:17:50,300 --> 00:17:53,920 started to cry and he turned around and looked at me and said, mom, don't cry. 216 00:17:53,980 --> 00:17:59,960 Because before when I used to cry, I would go lock myself in the room, drink lots of booze and not come 217 00:17:59,960 --> 00:18:06,520 out for days. And he, he, I was like six, seven months sober, maybe, maybe nine. It was in my 218 00:18:06,520 --> 00:18:11,580 first year. And I told him, honey, you know what? It's different today. I have God. And I got on my 219 00:18:11,580 --> 00:18:16,600 knees and looked him eye to eye and told him I loved him. And you know what? I really meant that 220 00:18:16,600 --> 00:18:21,700 third step. You know, that's a contract with God, with all of my heart, turn your will and your life 221 00:18:21,700 --> 00:18:26,280 over. Um, and he would go and tell all his friends, yeah, my mom goes to church. It's all 222 00:18:26,280 --> 00:18:31,300 about God. They hold hands because I, I used to take him to meetings because I had no choice. I 223 00:18:31,300 --> 00:18:36,080 had no money. And, um, I took him to meetings until he was like eight and, uh, continue to 224 00:18:36,080 --> 00:18:42,120 work my steps. And, um, it really, really helped. Um, got a girl, got a couple sponsees like around 225 00:18:42,120 --> 00:18:46,820 a year and it felt really good to try to give it away. Um, the fourth step, the first time was 226 00:18:46,820 --> 00:18:51,460 really hard. I remember writing all that stuff down and I remember saying like, I'm never going 227 00:18:51,700 --> 00:18:57,120 to say a few things, but I did it anyway. I told her before she left because after I read all the 228 00:18:57,120 --> 00:19:00,860 things, the resentments, she's like, is there anything else? And I decided, you know what? 229 00:19:00,920 --> 00:19:04,880 This is my life. I really want to stay sober because if I don't do this, my daughter's going 230 00:19:04,880 --> 00:19:10,280 to be on the street. My son's going to be with the crazy in-laws because they were really crazy. 231 00:19:10,500 --> 00:19:14,600 And, um, and they're going to blame me. Like I blame my dad and I don't want that. I want them 232 00:19:14,600 --> 00:19:19,020 to have hope. And so I just did whatever I could. You know, I started going on panels. I was an 233 00:19:19,020 --> 00:19:21,680 alternate GSR. I had a home group. It was, you know, I had a home group. I had a home group. I 234 00:19:21,700 --> 00:19:26,740 had women's conscious contact. I had that group for eight years. We had a lot of service. Um, 235 00:19:26,780 --> 00:19:31,360 it was really awesome. But at the end of eight years, it started to really fall apart because 236 00:19:31,360 --> 00:19:37,020 they didn't follow the traditions and there was a lot of animosity. So I changed. My sponsor was 237 00:19:37,020 --> 00:19:41,880 like, no, you need a different home group. So the Tuesday night Pacific group is my home group. Um, 238 00:19:41,980 --> 00:19:46,460 you know, it was really hard. I had to go back to court. I remember when James was 11 and he was in 239 00:19:46,460 --> 00:19:51,000 junior high, he started having a lot of problems because his dad was telling him he was out of jail 240 00:19:51,700 --> 00:19:55,440 with his mom and he was telling my little boy he could do whatever he wanted. And I was like, 241 00:19:55,520 --> 00:20:00,440 no, you can't. And so he started ditching school and starting fights and failing school. 242 00:20:00,840 --> 00:20:05,900 And then he, you know, his mom mortgaged her house so he could get an attorney. And, um, 243 00:20:05,900 --> 00:20:11,340 it was just super hard. He, I had to one time call the police on him because he threatened to 244 00:20:11,340 --> 00:20:16,380 run away. My sponsor made me call the police and, um, have a talk with him. Um, I took him 245 00:20:16,380 --> 00:20:21,460 to counseling for like three, four years, every Friday, come hell or high water, 246 00:20:21,700 --> 00:20:25,860 went to counseling. And, um, and then I enrolled him in all sorts of different sports and he used 247 00:20:25,860 --> 00:20:29,320 to kick me and hit me and tell me he didn't love me. And I would tell him that's okay, honey, 248 00:20:29,400 --> 00:20:33,620 I love you anyway. And he'd be like, well, my dad and my grandma. And I said, I understand, 249 00:20:33,840 --> 00:20:38,600 but you live with me and I'm sober and we're, we're going to get through this. And I love you. 250 00:20:38,660 --> 00:20:43,700 And I was just so scared. Um, my sponsor also made me get a gal from that conscious contact 251 00:20:43,700 --> 00:20:48,900 meeting. And every time before I would, cause I would go off, you'd become in a rage. I'd call 252 00:20:48,900 --> 00:20:51,680 her up and I'd share with her before I talked to my son. And I would call her up and I'd share with 253 00:20:51,680 --> 00:20:56,360 him. So I start to talk to him like a normal person instead of raging. Um, that little boy 254 00:20:56,360 --> 00:21:01,860 is doing really well today. He's like 19. He doesn't, he's not like me at all. Um, 255 00:21:02,340 --> 00:21:06,880 it's just like so amazing. And, um, you know what? And he, and he sees his dad, 256 00:21:07,260 --> 00:21:11,900 you know, for a long time, he was really, um, mad at his dad. Cause his dad doesn't show up 257 00:21:11,900 --> 00:21:16,060 for birthdays or Christmas. He doesn't give presents. And I always tell him, you know what? 258 00:21:16,060 --> 00:21:21,200 It's the only dad you have just love him for what he is. And you know, he's a good guy and I don't 259 00:21:21,200 --> 00:21:21,600 hate him. 260 00:21:21,680 --> 00:21:26,680 You know, I had to do a lot of 10 steps because I was pissed that I didn't get child support. 261 00:21:27,140 --> 00:21:32,800 And at the end of doing all those 10 steps, and he also took me to court, I had to pay for an 262 00:21:32,800 --> 00:21:39,020 attorney to try to, you know, keep my son. I get to be James's mom sober. I'm, it doesn't matter 263 00:21:39,020 --> 00:21:44,000 if you ever give me a penny, you know, all the things that I did, who the heck am I to judge 264 00:21:44,000 --> 00:21:49,860 anybody? So that was really huge, that revelation. And we kind of became friends for a little while 265 00:21:49,860 --> 00:21:51,200 on and off. He still drinks. He, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, 266 00:21:51,200 --> 00:22:00,460 he had pancreatitis a few years ago, you know, he's not an alcoholic, that's okay. I'm here. I 267 00:22:00,460 --> 00:22:02,160 always tell him if you ever want to talk, you know, I'm here. Um, that little girl, she's a nurse, 268 00:22:02,300 --> 00:22:08,580 you know, she went to, um, she has two bachelors and an associate's degree. And I was able to make 269 00:22:08,580 --> 00:22:13,460 my living amends by putting her through nursing school. And it wasn't easy. It was really hard. 270 00:22:13,600 --> 00:22:19,140 You know, her dad passed away when she was like 14. So there's just, you know, us. And it's just 271 00:22:19,140 --> 00:22:25,980 Alcoholics Anonymous has taught me that I can do whatever, whatever is good, whatever is right 272 00:22:25,980 --> 00:22:31,760 with my God. I mean, I have a God of my own understanding and it's just really, it's so 273 00:22:31,760 --> 00:22:37,820 awesome. You know, I've sponsored a lot of people in the beginning. I had like seven girls and I 274 00:22:37,820 --> 00:22:41,700 remember that's why I changed that one meeting because they weren't following the traditions 275 00:22:41,700 --> 00:22:45,360 and all of the women thought they were being talked about. They weren't. The girls were 276 00:22:45,360 --> 00:22:50,140 talking about shopping or some other drama and there were other arguments, but in the Pacific 277 00:22:50,140 --> 00:22:54,720 group, they don't do things like that. The traditions come first. The newcomer comes first 278 00:22:54,720 --> 00:23:00,820 because if I don't do God's work and stay sober and help another person stay sober and take the 279 00:23:00,820 --> 00:23:06,660 actions, not just the words, then I'm going to drink. And there was a time too when I had to 280 00:23:06,660 --> 00:23:12,640 go to court. I remember that was a long time ago. I was at conscious contact and I went to court and 281 00:23:12,640 --> 00:23:15,200 I got lost and I got a ticket for using the cell phone. 282 00:23:15,360 --> 00:23:21,020 I was late to court and they threw out all the child support that he owed me. And I remember I 283 00:23:21,020 --> 00:23:25,340 was so mad because he's a really good, you know, he was in prison for like probably 14 years. He 284 00:23:25,340 --> 00:23:31,160 wrote a really good letter and he said he didn't know, but he did know. And we were supposed to be 285 00:23:31,160 --> 00:23:36,760 together and I wanted to drink on the way home. And the girl, Carrie, that was a really good friend 286 00:23:36,760 --> 00:23:41,060 of mine called me and I told my sponsor I was going to get drunk and I was like, F this and F 287 00:23:41,060 --> 00:23:45,140 that. And she came to my house that night because I told her I don't want to go to the meeting. She 288 00:23:45,360 --> 00:23:50,620 walked up the steps, knocked on the door. I said, I'm not going. And she said, yes, you are. And I 289 00:23:50,620 --> 00:23:55,320 was willing. I got in the car with her and I went to the meeting and I led the meeting, you know, 290 00:23:55,420 --> 00:23:59,560 because there's been a couple times where, you know, you just don't think you can do it. It's 291 00:23:59,560 --> 00:24:05,700 freaking not being, you know, being sober from the neck up with all of this drama. And I had 292 00:24:05,700 --> 00:24:12,960 no tools. I mean, it's taken me a long time to get some tools and a design for living. You know, 293 00:24:12,960 --> 00:24:14,700 for so long, I was just, uh, 294 00:24:15,360 --> 00:24:21,600 to stay sober and, and I would just go to my meetings and just, you could feel God like I felt 295 00:24:21,600 --> 00:24:27,540 God, but it wasn't a hundred percent. There was still so much of Lisa left. And, um, today there's 296 00:24:27,540 --> 00:24:33,860 a lot more God than Lisa. I mean, that's how, and I'm so much more comfortable and at ease. Uh, and 297 00:24:33,860 --> 00:24:39,880 that comes from being of service, you know, taking commitments, you know, um, picking up newcomers, 298 00:24:39,880 --> 00:24:45,140 making coffee, um, you know, being of service at home, being at service at work, 299 00:24:45,360 --> 00:24:50,900 being at service anywhere you can, you know, putting someone else's needs ahead of yours, 300 00:24:50,900 --> 00:24:57,280 thinking of them more and you less. Um, so, you know, half, and I remember when I was new to that 301 00:24:57,280 --> 00:25:02,240 one, um, line, half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point, you know? And so 302 00:25:02,240 --> 00:25:06,660 that's why I always made sure I never stopped going to meetings and I always had commitments 303 00:25:06,660 --> 00:25:11,640 and I wasn't happy. I was so pissed off for so long. I mean, I think just in the last, maybe 304 00:25:11,640 --> 00:25:15,280 three or four years, I started to really kind of acceptance, 305 00:25:15,360 --> 00:25:21,980 without approval and just kind of like be where I am. And, um, it's such a better way and to find 306 00:25:21,980 --> 00:25:27,020 some joy and to find some love because you know what? There's also, I have a really good life. 307 00:25:27,120 --> 00:25:33,280 I live in a sober home. I get to go to meetings. I have sober friends. My family loves me. My 308 00:25:33,280 --> 00:25:38,160 brother's actually paying for me to go to Hawaii at the end of the month. Um, my mom before didn't 309 00:25:38,160 --> 00:25:43,220 want to see me. I mean, I remember one time when I was in a drunken stupor, I gave all of her jewelry 310 00:25:43,220 --> 00:25:45,340 back because they used to spy on me because I'd bring all sorts of stuff. I mean, I remember 311 00:25:45,340 --> 00:25:50,340 it's a creepy people home and she lived in the apartment over here and I lived over here. That's 312 00:25:50,340 --> 00:25:55,760 also when I drank in the closet. I was a closet drinker. Um, and you know, she would worry and 313 00:25:55,760 --> 00:25:59,500 I would always be, I'm fine. It's none of your business here. Take all your stuff and, you know, 314 00:25:59,520 --> 00:26:05,580 stick it up. I mean, I was just so mean. I mean, where else can you come where you can take your 315 00:26:05,580 --> 00:26:11,340 worst things and share them with somebody and have a little light and a little hope? 316 00:26:11,480 --> 00:26:14,580 You know what I mean? I didn't want to die anymore. Um, 317 00:26:14,680 --> 00:26:15,320 I worked for a company called The Lover. I worked for a company called The Lover. I worked for a 318 00:26:15,340 --> 00:26:20,340 with this one gal for eight years. It was awesome. And I loved her very much. But at the end of the 319 00:26:20,340 --> 00:26:24,300 time, she just couldn't hear me. And she was getting herself really mixed up. And then I 320 00:26:24,300 --> 00:26:28,780 worked with a bunch of other girls and, um, they would get sober for like a year and a half or two 321 00:26:28,780 --> 00:26:33,260 years. And then they'd stop calling. They stopped going to meetings. And all of a sudden you're 322 00:26:33,260 --> 00:26:38,700 drunk. And all of a sudden, you know what? It's someone else's fault. So I'm so grateful that I 323 00:26:38,700 --> 00:26:44,780 haven't done that. Um, I did a, a, a big book study, a lengthy 10 month, big book study when 324 00:26:44,780 --> 00:26:51,080 I was like 12 years. And it kind of saved my life. Um, because right before that I had a girl that I 325 00:26:51,080 --> 00:26:56,040 worked with and, and she moved to Texas and then she got drunk and I let her move with me and she 326 00:26:56,040 --> 00:27:00,340 never moved out. She was with me for like four months. And at the end of those four months, 327 00:27:00,340 --> 00:27:06,440 I think I had lost all of my serenity, all of my peace. And, um, I remember sitting on the patio 328 00:27:06,440 --> 00:27:11,240 and saying, God, I just need a drink. And then I called up my girlfriend and then I called up my 329 00:27:11,240 --> 00:27:16,560 sponsor. And then I made a, a way to get her out, you know, because I'm an, I learned how to take 330 00:27:16,560 --> 00:27:22,120 care of people. That's what comes natural to me to make it better for you as well as being an 331 00:27:22,120 --> 00:27:27,840 alcoholic. And, um, I was just really not doing this woman any service at the end. Besides she 332 00:27:27,840 --> 00:27:32,780 had already gotten drunk, having a new person in your house with your kids was just crazy. Um, but 333 00:27:32,780 --> 00:27:38,900 doing this workshop, it was so funny. Uh, we went line by line to the book and you just see there's 334 00:27:41,240 --> 00:27:48,200 such, so divinely inspired. Um, just how if we trust in God, trust God, clean house, be of 335 00:27:48,200 --> 00:27:55,820 service, you know, um, how that our oversensitivity is a huge handicap and how it takes many of us 336 00:27:55,820 --> 00:28:02,900 many a long time to get over how that just at one day at a time, we can find hope. Um, just find 337 00:28:02,900 --> 00:28:07,780 hope. I've always prayed. I get on my hands and knees since I've been three years sober and ask 338 00:28:07,780 --> 00:28:11,220 God to direct my thinking and to do his will and not my will. 339 00:28:11,240 --> 00:28:17,400 And that really helps. And, um, doing that workshop, I remember, uh, we got to the, uh, 340 00:28:17,460 --> 00:28:22,320 four step and she's like, do you have resentments? And I'm like, no. Oh my God. I had like 30 341 00:28:22,320 --> 00:28:27,660 resentments and they were different resentments. They weren't like actually actions. They were 342 00:28:27,660 --> 00:28:34,780 like how people treated me. And like my sponsor sponsor always says how I'm carrying myself and 343 00:28:34,780 --> 00:28:39,240 what I'm bringing into the group instead of sharing, instead of being light and happy, 344 00:28:39,240 --> 00:28:41,220 I'm like pissed off. I'm just like, 345 00:28:41,240 --> 00:28:47,960 like doing it. Um, okay. Just, uh, doing it, uh, you know, just not with such joy. I mean, 346 00:28:47,960 --> 00:28:53,640 I see a lot of people and they feel so they look so light and I've always, I think I'm wrapped 347 00:28:53,640 --> 00:28:59,480 really tight. Lack of power is my dilemma, you know, and I want to control and enjoy things. 348 00:28:59,480 --> 00:29:04,300 And really that's not what God's about. You know, we have to come here, follow direction, 349 00:29:04,740 --> 00:29:09,320 put one foot in front of the other and keep doing the actions on one of the 10 minute speakers 350 00:29:09,320 --> 00:29:10,300 talked about that. 351 00:29:11,240 --> 00:29:16,500 The actions bring us into right thinking and it's like service and service and more service. 352 00:29:16,700 --> 00:29:22,400 And, um, one of those resentments was over my sponsor. I remember she didn't have time to see 353 00:29:22,400 --> 00:29:27,160 me and I had gotten my real estate license and she was buying a house and she was going to use 354 00:29:27,160 --> 00:29:31,900 someone else. And she came to the Tuesday night meeting with her group of friends and I was just 355 00:29:31,900 --> 00:29:36,820 sitting there and I just started to shake. I was, and I haven't felt that in a long time. 356 00:29:37,160 --> 00:29:41,220 And, um, I don't know how I stayed, but I stayed. 357 00:29:41,240 --> 00:29:46,720 And, um, and as she left, I said, we need to talk. And, um, I called her and told her I really 358 00:29:46,720 --> 00:29:52,440 need to talk. And I wrote about that 10 step because I was thinking she needed to be everything 359 00:29:52,440 --> 00:29:58,440 that I had expectations. You know, she has a life. She's a person. She's busy. It's not all about me. 360 00:29:58,740 --> 00:30:05,240 I mean, this selfishness, self-seeking, um, dishonesty, fear, it's just, it just drives us. 361 00:30:05,240 --> 00:30:11,120 But I ended up doing a 10 step on her and really making amends and taking a good, 362 00:30:11,240 --> 00:30:16,700 look at it and seeing that I was at fault. It's all me. Wherever I go, it's frigging me. 363 00:30:17,120 --> 00:30:23,360 And, um, it's not always pretty. It's not always pretty. Um, so we got over that and we've been 364 00:30:23,360 --> 00:30:28,120 working together. She's been my sponsor since I've been a year and a half. And, um, you know, 365 00:30:28,140 --> 00:30:33,460 my life is pretty good. I just went to Massachusetts. I wanted to make an amends to this 366 00:30:33,460 --> 00:30:37,740 young man's mother. I never went to the funeral, the guy that killed himself. And, um, you know, 367 00:30:37,760 --> 00:30:41,160 it's really hard. I got to bring my daughter and, um, she caught, 368 00:30:41,240 --> 00:30:45,280 I, I called her. I had a dream about him and I called her and she invited us. And then I called 369 00:30:45,280 --> 00:30:50,580 her a week later and she changed her mind, but I had already bought the tickets. So, um, we went 370 00:30:50,580 --> 00:30:57,100 anyway and I just, you know, wrote about it and just wanted to let her know that I really loved 371 00:30:57,100 --> 00:31:02,120 her son and she was a good mom. She was a good mom and, um, she did everything she could. It 372 00:31:02,120 --> 00:31:07,160 was not her fault. I didn't keep it heavy. I kept it really light. I bought her lunch and I brought 373 00:31:07,160 --> 00:31:11,220 her flowers. We only had lunch, but, um, she told me when I left, she gave me a hundred dollars. 374 00:31:11,240 --> 00:31:17,160 And she said, please keep in touch. Um, you know, one of the girls at my work, uh, her, her son is 23 375 00:31:17,160 --> 00:31:22,260 years old. He just OD'd like a month ago. And, uh, he's been having alcohol and drug problems for a 376 00:31:22,260 --> 00:31:26,720 while. And I, you know, I've offered to try to help and he was fine. She's fine. You know, this 377 00:31:26,720 --> 00:31:32,540 girl drinks and smokes and whatever. But, um, that's when I really realized I saw from a mother's 378 00:31:32,540 --> 00:31:38,520 point of view, how that must feel to lose a son. Because when Steven died, it was all about me, 379 00:31:38,520 --> 00:31:43,840 what he did to me, how dare he left me behind. And I drank behind that for years. I mean, 380 00:31:43,940 --> 00:31:48,900 that's just, I'm just such a selfish person. Um, but I was kind of able to put that behind me. 381 00:31:49,120 --> 00:31:54,740 You know, I make sandwiches with a gentleman named Ray Casanelli, um, for Frontline. He's 382 00:31:54,740 --> 00:31:59,300 been doing it for 30 years. And so every Sunday morning at 630 in the morning, I'm making tuna 383 00:31:59,300 --> 00:32:05,340 sandwiches and he takes them to Skid Row. And I find that acts like that are, um, they're just 384 00:32:05,500 --> 00:32:08,500 selfless. It's just like a really, really beautiful, 385 00:32:08,520 --> 00:32:13,540 beautiful thing. And, um, he always tells me that we come to Alcoholics Anonymous and we have a 386 00:32:13,540 --> 00:32:19,400 head full of our own ideas. And we work these steps and we take these actions and it slowly 387 00:32:19,400 --> 00:32:27,260 kind of saturates all of our stuff. So sooner or later, there's only God left and all the confetti, 388 00:32:27,320 --> 00:32:33,280 he goes like this, the confetti, Lisa, that you have, it just all kind of disappears. And it's so, 389 00:32:33,280 --> 00:32:38,460 it's so true because God is the director. We are the children, you know, um, he, 390 00:32:38,520 --> 00:32:43,640 he's the principal, we're the agents. And if we follow his will in all of our affairs, 391 00:32:43,640 --> 00:32:48,900 whether we like it or not, um, it just really works. And, um, that's kind of where I'm at 392 00:32:48,900 --> 00:32:52,800 trying to make my life sacred and trying to do God's will. You know, I'm a waitress, 393 00:32:52,980 --> 00:32:57,700 been there for a long time. Uh, it's kind of hard. They, they, I get moved around a lot 394 00:32:57,700 --> 00:33:01,440 and it's hard. I have to show up and be of service if whether you're nice or not, 395 00:33:01,440 --> 00:33:05,840 whether you tip or not, whether it doesn't matter. And, uh, Sunday on Mother's Day, 396 00:33:05,840 --> 00:33:07,700 after coming back from Massachusetts, 397 00:33:08,520 --> 00:33:13,580 my order got lost and the manager, I think I know better than her. Of course I know better 398 00:33:13,580 --> 00:33:19,100 than everybody. And, um, she doesn't go over there. My order's missing the sausage patties 399 00:33:19,100 --> 00:33:24,340 missing. And then, you know, so I'm complaining and I'm whining and I'm pissed. And she says, 400 00:33:24,380 --> 00:33:28,460 will you stop complaining? And I turn around and I look at her and I said, well, if you know how 401 00:33:28,460 --> 00:33:33,700 to do your job, I need the food to serve the people. Okay. Really? Okay. I'm a spiritual 402 00:33:33,700 --> 00:33:38,500 giant. But, um, so I say this and, um, anyway, I get in trouble. I get in trouble. I get in trouble. 403 00:33:38,520 --> 00:33:42,740 I get in trouble on Tuesday. I call my sponsor on Wednesday. I tried calling her. I left her a 404 00:33:42,740 --> 00:33:47,500 message. Couldn't get ahold of her. I get ahold of her on Wednesday morning and I'm like defending 405 00:33:47,500 --> 00:33:52,940 myself and saying, it's not my fault. And she's like, okay, Lisa, you know, you have tools do a 406 00:33:52,940 --> 00:33:58,400 10th step. So I did a 10th step and you know, I read it to her. And on Thursday morning, I brought 407 00:33:58,400 --> 00:34:03,280 this woman a coffee and I said, you know, Judy, I'm so sorry. You work really hard. You really 408 00:34:03,280 --> 00:34:08,500 do a good job. And I just need to keep my side of the street clean, being a good waitress. And I am 409 00:34:08,520 --> 00:34:14,000 so sorry. Can we, can you please forgive me? And, um, you know, that's how I live. I feel it right 410 00:34:14,000 --> 00:34:20,660 here when I don't do the right thing. And so far I haven't really wanted to drink. I mean, it's like 411 00:34:20,660 --> 00:34:24,960 when I was new and I was alone, I'd be so afraid. Like when I was sick and she'd say, you have to 412 00:34:24,960 --> 00:34:30,060 call in sick. I'd be like, oh my God, oh my God, I got to call people. Now I know that wherever I 413 00:34:30,060 --> 00:34:36,020 go, God is, and he's right here. And I have this inside of me and I don't want to drink or use 414 00:34:36,020 --> 00:34:38,500 anymore. I mean, sometimes, you know, it flies by. 415 00:34:38,520 --> 00:34:43,920 And you go, no, no, thank you. Or if you think about it, then I'm raising my hand in a meeting 416 00:34:43,920 --> 00:34:48,940 going, guess what my head told me? My head told me to go to the bar and have a Coke. What do you 417 00:34:48,940 --> 00:34:55,520 think? No. And so you stay sober. So I'm just so, so blessed to be here. And, um, it is an honor and 418 00:34:55,520 --> 00:35:02,040 a privilege. I'm sorry if I'm all over the place. Um, I love my life and I want to give more and do 419 00:35:02,040 --> 00:35:08,020 more for God's will. And I want Lisa to get even smaller because when I have more humility and, 420 00:35:08,520 --> 00:35:14,120 um, less of me, I'm just so much more powerful. I can actually really help people and you can see 421 00:35:14,120 --> 00:35:19,120 their light. And I love the identification in Alcoholics Anonymous. I mean, that was the first 422 00:35:19,120 --> 00:35:24,040 time I ever laughed when I came here. You guys were talking about all your deep, dark secrets 423 00:35:24,040 --> 00:35:29,600 that I was like shoving. And I'm like, oh, you guys are my people. This is a we program, not a 424 00:35:29,600 --> 00:35:35,760 me program. And, you know, I tried getting sober with my first husband and I sat in the back and I 425 00:35:35,760 --> 00:35:38,500 didn't raise my hand and I didn't say I was an alcoholic. I didn't say I was an alcoholic. I 426 00:35:38,520 --> 00:35:42,240 was an alcoholic. And if you're not powerless over alcohol, it isn't going to work. So it's 427 00:35:42,240 --> 00:35:47,540 really simple. So, um, thank you all. I am really, really grateful. I'm going to stop because I think 428 00:35:47,540 --> 00:35:52,780 I'm babbling now, but, um, it's an honor and a privilege and, um, I really appreciate it. Thank 429 00:35:52,780 --> 00:35:53,520 you for letting me share.