1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:03,000 Now I would like to introduce our main speaker, Aimee. 2 00:00:03,000 --> 00:00:06,130 Sorry, I kind of lost it. 3 00:00:06,130 --> 00:00:09,130 I was hoping you'd say someone else's name. 4 00:00:09,130 --> 00:00:12,130 Okay, thank you. 5 00:00:12,130 --> 00:00:16,130 I'm Aimee, I'm an alcoholic. 6 00:00:16,130 --> 00:00:19,130 God, it doesn't matter how many times I do this. 7 00:00:19,130 --> 00:00:26,130 Like, I'm always like super chill, like coming in the meeting and oh, hi, and sitting there and listening to other people and it's so great. 8 00:00:26,130 --> 00:00:32,130 And then like the 12 traditions I read and I like, I'm like, I just want to throw up. 9 00:00:32,130 --> 00:00:34,130 And I think about everything I ate. 10 00:00:34,130 --> 00:00:38,130 I start to feel that and then I think about like, what did I eat? 11 00:00:38,130 --> 00:00:43,130 And then I was telling Jennifer like I ate this like big huge bag of like, they're new, hazelnut M&Ms. 12 00:00:43,130 --> 00:00:45,130 It's like Nutellas. 13 00:00:45,130 --> 00:00:47,130 But then my tummy was like, no. 14 00:00:47,130 --> 00:00:51,130 And then I loaded up a coffee like with sugar. 15 00:00:51,130 --> 00:00:53,130 Because for why? I don't know. 16 00:00:53,130 --> 00:00:54,130 I was like, I'm gonna load this up. 17 00:00:54,130 --> 00:00:55,130 I never do this. 18 00:00:55,130 --> 00:00:56,130 I told the lady. 19 00:00:56,130 --> 00:01:00,130 Who is sitting, standing next to me like, I never put this much sugar in my coffee. 20 00:01:00,130 --> 00:01:02,130 And I don't know why I do that. 21 00:01:02,130 --> 00:01:05,130 It's like when my husband goes out of town. 22 00:01:05,130 --> 00:01:08,130 I, he's like, don't watch horror movies. 23 00:01:08,130 --> 00:01:10,130 And it's like, I always watch horror movies. 24 00:01:10,130 --> 00:01:12,130 And then I don't sleep the whole time he's gone. 25 00:01:12,130 --> 00:01:15,130 And sometimes he's gone fishing for like six days. 26 00:01:15,130 --> 00:01:17,130 And I'm like, useless. 27 00:01:17,130 --> 00:01:23,130 Because I think, you know, ghosts and demons and everything's gonna murder me. 28 00:01:23,130 --> 00:01:25,130 So sober. 29 00:01:25,130 --> 00:01:27,130 So sober, but sick still. 30 00:01:27,130 --> 00:01:33,130 So my sobriety date is November 15, 2002. 31 00:01:33,130 --> 00:01:36,130 I want to thank Oscar for asking me to come share here. 32 00:01:36,130 --> 00:01:37,130 I've been here a couple of times. 33 00:01:37,130 --> 00:01:42,130 This is a really welcoming, really warm, nice AA group. 34 00:01:42,130 --> 00:01:44,130 So I want to thank you all for that. 35 00:01:44,130 --> 00:01:45,130 Thank you to the speakers. 36 00:01:45,130 --> 00:01:46,130 And hi. 37 00:01:46,130 --> 00:01:49,130 He got up there and then I saw you. 38 00:01:49,130 --> 00:01:50,130 I know, I know them. 39 00:01:50,130 --> 00:01:52,130 But thank you so much. 40 00:01:52,130 --> 00:01:53,130 And thank you, Maggie. 41 00:01:53,130 --> 00:01:54,130 Oh, my God. 42 00:01:54,130 --> 00:01:57,130 It's just been a great meeting up till now. 43 00:01:57,130 --> 00:02:06,190 So, and I want to apologize to like the two people who were at a meeting I talked at last Sunday. 44 00:02:06,190 --> 00:02:10,190 I thought about like, oh, I'll just change things, but I'm not going to. 45 00:02:10,190 --> 00:02:13,190 But hopefully some things will always stay the same. 46 00:02:13,190 --> 00:02:16,190 And then, you know, hopefully some things will be different. 47 00:02:16,190 --> 00:02:22,190 But, you know, the important thing is I have been taught and I do suit up and show up for a lot of things. 48 00:02:22,190 --> 00:02:25,190 I'm going to suit up and show up for my commitments in Alcoholics Anonymous. 49 00:02:25,190 --> 00:02:27,190 I don't like to do this, you know. 50 00:02:27,190 --> 00:02:40,190 You know, it's I'm an introvert, you know, and it's more comfortable now than it ever was to like walk into a room of people most who don't know you, you know. 51 00:02:40,190 --> 00:02:44,190 And then some people, it's getting easier now. 52 00:02:44,190 --> 00:02:47,190 But, you know, if I showed up, oh, I heard you already. 53 00:02:47,190 --> 00:02:50,190 And then, you know, that mind, that alcoholic mind starts going in. 54 00:02:50,190 --> 00:02:51,190 It's like, oh, my God. 55 00:02:51,190 --> 00:02:52,190 They hate me. 56 00:02:52,190 --> 00:02:53,190 They're bummed out. 57 00:02:53,190 --> 00:02:55,190 They like wish they went to another meeting. 58 00:02:55,190 --> 00:03:05,190 But what I know is that I go, God puts people like Oscar in my path, you know, and I just have to say yes. 59 00:03:05,190 --> 00:03:09,190 And I just have to show up when I've said yes and promise to be there. 60 00:03:09,190 --> 00:03:17,190 My mentor's mentor said to him, you know, if the date's open, it belongs to them, you know. 61 00:03:17,190 --> 00:03:20,190 And there is honestly like nothing I would rather do. 62 00:03:20,190 --> 00:03:28,190 Then talk about Alcoholics Anonymous and how it changed my whole life, you know. 63 00:03:28,190 --> 00:03:48,190 So, you know, I I grew up I had a I had a wonderful life, you know, and I didn't know that until not just getting sober, but doing like an inventory, maybe two and living sober for maybe two or three or four years in Alcoholics Anonymous. 64 00:03:48,190 --> 00:03:49,190 I had no idea. 65 00:03:49,190 --> 00:03:51,190 I had no idea how good I had it. 66 00:03:51,190 --> 00:03:53,190 You know, my parents are still married. 67 00:03:53,190 --> 00:03:57,190 They're amazing, loving, generous people. 68 00:03:57,190 --> 00:04:00,190 They were then they are now. 69 00:04:00,190 --> 00:04:03,190 I grew up with so much opportunity. 70 00:04:03,190 --> 00:04:05,190 I grew up in West L.A. 71 00:04:05,190 --> 00:04:09,190 I went to this amazing like French school. 72 00:04:09,190 --> 00:04:14,190 My I went to, you know, Paris, you know, with that school and London. 73 00:04:14,190 --> 00:04:17,190 And, you know, we just had all this. 74 00:04:17,190 --> 00:04:18,190 You know, I just remember. 75 00:04:18,190 --> 00:04:19,190 I remember. 76 00:04:19,190 --> 00:04:24,190 I remember complaining, you know, about like, oh, we're going to another museum. 77 00:04:24,190 --> 00:04:26,190 You know, we're going to another play. 78 00:04:26,190 --> 00:04:28,190 You know, we're going to see another musical. 79 00:04:28,190 --> 00:04:32,190 And and like, I can't take my I can't do that for my kids. 80 00:04:32,190 --> 00:04:35,190 I mean, we could probably go to museums because they're free. 81 00:04:35,190 --> 00:04:40,190 But but like, I can't take them to see, you know, like Les Miserables, you know. 82 00:04:40,190 --> 00:04:48,190 And I got to do amazing things, you know, and I never appreciated anything. 83 00:04:48,190 --> 00:04:58,190 You know, my parents, for no reason, you know, and I mean, if I really if I really think about it, if I want to think about it, I you know, my parents are mixed race. 84 00:04:58,190 --> 00:05:01,190 And I went to a school, always the French school. 85 00:05:01,190 --> 00:05:10,190 And I went to we moved out to the valley when I was 11 and I went to Chaminade or no, I went to the French school here and then I went to Chaminade. 86 00:05:10,190 --> 00:05:16,190 But for most of my school life, I went to school with like all white kids, you know, and especially when I was younger. 87 00:05:16,190 --> 00:05:17,190 It was very. 88 00:05:17,190 --> 00:05:21,190 I noticed it a lot, you know, that I was different. 89 00:05:21,190 --> 00:05:23,190 And I think I hated them for that. 90 00:05:23,190 --> 00:05:35,190 And and, you know, looking back and knowing what I know now and knowing them, you know, as people, I can see like how brave, you know, they were to to do that at that time, you know. 91 00:05:35,190 --> 00:05:40,190 And and I just you know, I feel like I was born an alcoholic. 92 00:05:40,190 --> 00:05:44,190 I, you know, totally identify with with that fear. 93 00:05:44,190 --> 00:05:45,190 I wouldn't I wouldn't have known what to call it when I got there. 94 00:05:45,190 --> 00:05:46,190 I wouldn't have known what to call it when I got there. 95 00:05:46,190 --> 00:05:47,190 I wouldn't have known what to call it when I got here. 96 00:05:47,190 --> 00:05:48,190 I wouldn't have known what to call it when I got here. 97 00:05:48,190 --> 00:06:07,190 You know, I, you know, more than anything was like just painfully self-conscious, you know, just always afraid of like what what you were thinking or what, you know, like, how do I, you know, like my mind was just always on. 98 00:06:07,190 --> 00:06:10,190 Did I what what should I say? 99 00:06:10,190 --> 00:06:12,190 And then saying something and like, was that OK? 100 00:06:12,190 --> 00:06:14,190 How did that, you know, play? 101 00:06:14,190 --> 00:06:16,190 And and did I do this right? 102 00:06:16,190 --> 00:06:21,190 You know, just and I think about like how I, you know, just living every second like that. 103 00:06:21,190 --> 00:06:22,190 Like, is it OK? Is it OK? 104 00:06:22,190 --> 00:06:23,190 Am I OK? Am I OK? 105 00:06:23,190 --> 00:06:26,190 Like that? That's that was me, you know. 106 00:06:26,190 --> 00:06:29,190 And no wonder, you know, no wonder I needed a drink, you know. 107 00:06:29,190 --> 00:06:35,190 And and I'm an alcoholic because alcohol was the thing that that made me OK. 108 00:06:35,190 --> 00:06:40,190 You know, I was 14 years old when I had my first drink. 109 00:06:40,190 --> 00:06:42,190 It was before a homecoming dance. 110 00:06:42,190 --> 00:06:43,190 And it was the. 111 00:06:43,190 --> 00:06:46,190 It was the first time I ever went out with a boy. 112 00:06:46,190 --> 00:06:49,190 And we went to I don't remember. 113 00:06:49,190 --> 00:06:52,190 I want to say it was Nat Park, but I don't think so. 114 00:06:52,190 --> 00:06:56,190 We went to a park by the school and we drank vodka and orange juice. 115 00:06:56,190 --> 00:07:00,190 And I like made out with my date and puked and blacked out. 116 00:07:00,190 --> 00:07:03,190 And that's pretty much like my whole drunk log. 117 00:07:03,190 --> 00:07:09,190 That's what happened to me every single time I drank from my first drink to my last drink was I was a puking blackout make out drunk. 118 00:07:09,190 --> 00:07:11,190 And I don't know what reminded me of it. 119 00:07:11,190 --> 00:07:12,190 But I thought about like. 120 00:07:12,190 --> 00:07:15,190 You know, that that that's what I did. 121 00:07:15,190 --> 00:07:21,190 And there was this one party, probably one of my first parties, you know, in this big house. 122 00:07:21,190 --> 00:07:29,190 And I think that night and I had just started, you know, like, you know, I had never kissed a boy until that homecoming. 123 00:07:29,190 --> 00:07:34,190 But then, you know, then like my first party after that, I ended up kissing like three boys. 124 00:07:34,190 --> 00:07:36,190 And and one of them was whatever. 125 00:07:36,190 --> 00:07:39,190 And then one of them was my friend's boyfriend. 126 00:07:39,190 --> 00:07:41,190 And then one of them was this boy I really liked. 127 00:07:41,190 --> 00:07:43,190 You know, I actually liked him. 128 00:07:43,190 --> 00:07:46,190 And I don't know why I'm thinking about this. 129 00:07:46,190 --> 00:07:51,190 But and then after that night, you know, he heard that I kissed like two other boys. 130 00:07:51,190 --> 00:07:58,190 And and that that opportunity was gone, you know, and he ended up, you know, dating this other girl for like three years. 131 00:07:58,190 --> 00:08:02,190 Meanwhile, I'm like, you know, just, you know, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss. 132 00:08:02,190 --> 00:08:04,190 You know, nobody nobody stuck around. 133 00:08:04,190 --> 00:08:06,190 Nobody stuck around is the point. 134 00:08:06,190 --> 00:08:09,190 So, you know, from the get go. 135 00:08:09,190 --> 00:08:10,190 I've never been a conformist. 136 00:08:10,190 --> 00:08:12,190 I've never been a controlled drinker. 137 00:08:12,190 --> 00:08:14,190 I've never been appropriate when I drank. 138 00:08:14,190 --> 00:08:22,190 I was always covered in puke or, you know, puking or, you know, I remember I just it was never it never worked for me. 139 00:08:22,190 --> 00:08:24,190 It never never worked for me. 140 00:08:24,190 --> 00:08:31,190 You know, it got in the way of all things, you know, and I remember things that were important to me, you know, and it seems petty. 141 00:08:31,190 --> 00:08:35,190 But I remember things like I went to college in Santa Cruz. 142 00:08:35,190 --> 00:08:36,190 I love Santa Cruz. 143 00:08:36,190 --> 00:08:37,190 It's such a small town. 144 00:08:37,190 --> 00:08:39,190 Like I would drive my car at the beginning of the night. 145 00:08:39,190 --> 00:08:43,190 And then wake up without my car the next day. 146 00:08:43,190 --> 00:08:47,190 And then someone would just call me and be like, hey, your car's in my yard. 147 00:08:47,190 --> 00:08:48,190 And I would just walk. 148 00:08:48,190 --> 00:08:50,190 I can walk there and like go get it. 149 00:08:50,190 --> 00:08:51,190 And it was no big deal, you know. 150 00:08:51,190 --> 00:08:57,190 And then when I moved back to L.A., I would drive my car and like park it in like no parking places. 151 00:08:57,190 --> 00:09:01,190 And then I would have to pay two thousand dollars to get it out of impound like the next day. 152 00:09:01,190 --> 00:09:04,190 So the consequences got worse. 153 00:09:04,190 --> 00:09:07,190 But it was L.A. 154 00:09:07,190 --> 00:09:08,480 But yeah. 155 00:09:08,480 --> 00:09:12,480 So when I was living in Santa Cruz, they were re-releasing. 156 00:09:12,480 --> 00:09:13,480 I was huge. 157 00:09:13,480 --> 00:09:15,480 I'm a huge Star Wars fan. 158 00:09:15,480 --> 00:09:20,480 And they were re-releasing episode four, A New Hope, which was technically the first movie. 159 00:09:20,480 --> 00:09:24,480 And I won't get too nerdy, but they were re-releasing it in theaters. 160 00:09:24,480 --> 00:09:29,480 And it was a big deal back then because they just there was no Star Wars in theaters. 161 00:09:29,480 --> 00:09:33,480 You know, it's not like how it is now in my day. 162 00:09:33,480 --> 00:09:35,480 And so it was a big deal. 163 00:09:35,480 --> 00:09:36,480 And I was super excited. 164 00:09:36,480 --> 00:09:37,480 And we were pumped for it for so long. 165 00:09:37,480 --> 00:09:41,480 And it was so many of us. 166 00:09:41,480 --> 00:09:44,480 And then we went to the bar across the street, you know, before the movie. 167 00:09:44,480 --> 00:09:50,480 And then we got into the movie and it was so energized and everyone was excited and cheering. 168 00:09:50,480 --> 00:09:53,480 And it starts with that music and the words. 169 00:09:53,480 --> 00:09:58,480 And then I remember opening my eyes and it's the end of the movie and they're getting their medals. 170 00:09:58,480 --> 00:10:04,480 And it was just another thing to be like, oh, you know, oh, well, you know. 171 00:10:04,480 --> 00:10:06,480 And that's what alcohol. 172 00:10:06,480 --> 00:10:08,480 That's how it worked in my life, you know. 173 00:10:08,480 --> 00:10:20,480 And the reason I, you know, and the reason I continue to drink, I think, is because what it did do for me was it took all that anxiety away, you know. 174 00:10:20,480 --> 00:10:23,480 Like when I drank, like I felt okay, you know. 175 00:10:23,480 --> 00:10:29,480 And I never felt like on top of the world, like awesome, like elated, you know. 176 00:10:29,480 --> 00:10:31,480 But I felt okay, you know. 177 00:10:31,480 --> 00:10:34,480 And I felt like I deserved to be here, you know. 178 00:10:34,480 --> 00:10:35,480 I felt like. 179 00:10:35,480 --> 00:10:39,480 I felt like I didn't care, you know, what you thought of me. 180 00:10:39,480 --> 00:10:42,480 Like and that's the only time I ever felt that way, you know. 181 00:10:42,480 --> 00:10:50,480 But what happened because I was such an inappropriate, out of control, awful drinker was that I would just hurt people. 182 00:10:50,480 --> 00:10:54,480 Every time I drank, I would hurt people in some way, you know. 183 00:10:54,480 --> 00:11:03,480 My friends, you know, with their boyfriends or I'd take their, you know, I'd ruin their night just because someone had to take care of me, you know. 184 00:11:03,480 --> 00:11:07,480 I'd be the designated driver and I would be drunk, you know, at the end of the night. 185 00:11:07,480 --> 00:11:14,480 And in my mind, it'd be like, well, you're stupid for thinking of putting me in the rotation, you know. 186 00:11:14,480 --> 00:11:22,480 And I just, I couldn't, I couldn't think of other people and responsibility and, you know, and I had no control. 187 00:11:22,480 --> 00:11:23,480 I just knew. 188 00:11:23,480 --> 00:11:29,480 When I got to Alcoholics Anonymous, I didn't have a problem like admitting my powerlessness over alcohol. 189 00:11:29,480 --> 00:11:31,480 I had known for a long time that I was powerless. 190 00:11:31,480 --> 00:11:32,480 Yeah. 191 00:11:32,480 --> 00:11:43,480 I was powerless over alcohol because I knew, you know, there were times when I shouldn't drink, you know, like on a job interview or, you know, driving anywhere. 192 00:11:43,480 --> 00:11:50,480 Or when someone specifically asked me, like, can you please not drink or can you please show up not drunk, you know. 193 00:11:50,480 --> 00:11:52,480 And, of course, I'd be offended. 194 00:11:52,480 --> 00:11:54,480 But I couldn't, you know. 195 00:11:54,480 --> 00:12:00,480 The honest answer, if I was able to give it, would have been like, no, you know, I can't, you know, please don't ask me to show up. 196 00:12:00,480 --> 00:12:02,480 But then if they didn't, I couldn't. 197 00:12:02,480 --> 00:12:04,480 I'd be like, I can't believe they didn't ask me to show up. 198 00:12:04,480 --> 00:12:06,480 So I knew I was powerless over alcohol. 199 00:12:06,480 --> 00:12:08,480 And I knew my life was unmanageable. 200 00:12:08,480 --> 00:12:13,480 And because I not only, I mean, I just couldn't function in any capacity. 201 00:12:13,480 --> 00:12:14,480 I couldn't keep a job. 202 00:12:14,480 --> 00:12:16,480 I couldn't not crash my car. 203 00:12:16,480 --> 00:12:18,480 I couldn't not get evicted. 204 00:12:18,480 --> 00:12:25,480 And, you know, the biggest thing for me was I was completely reliant on other people, you know. 205 00:12:25,480 --> 00:12:29,480 Once I separated from my parents, it was relationships, you know. 206 00:12:29,480 --> 00:12:31,480 And I had to have a relationship. 207 00:12:31,480 --> 00:12:35,480 A relationship to, like, live, to support me, you know. 208 00:12:35,480 --> 00:12:39,480 Because I couldn't do anything for myself, you know. 209 00:12:39,480 --> 00:12:41,480 I was too afraid, you know. 210 00:12:41,480 --> 00:12:48,480 And so as a result, and the more out of control I got drinking, like, the harder it was to hold on to those relationships. 211 00:12:48,480 --> 00:12:59,480 In my meeting this morning, I was talking about how, like, my first serious relationship post high school, my first college boyfriend, lasted four years, you know. 212 00:12:59,480 --> 00:13:00,480 And it ended tragically. 213 00:13:00,480 --> 00:13:02,480 Because of me, you know. 214 00:13:02,480 --> 00:13:06,480 I did something, my God, it was like the bomb on my inventory. 215 00:13:06,480 --> 00:13:08,480 I called it the bomb, you know. 216 00:13:08,480 --> 00:13:14,480 It was this lie that I told that I thought made me the worst person in the whole world, you know. 217 00:13:14,480 --> 00:13:17,480 And that's what ended that relationship. 218 00:13:17,480 --> 00:13:21,480 And he didn't deserve it and neither did all the people that it affected. 219 00:13:21,480 --> 00:13:22,480 You know, a lot of people. 220 00:13:22,480 --> 00:13:25,480 Police officers, his friends, my parents. 221 00:13:25,480 --> 00:13:27,480 It was a horrible lie. 222 00:13:27,480 --> 00:13:29,480 And then my relationship after that. 223 00:13:29,480 --> 00:13:31,480 Lasted two years, you know. 224 00:13:31,480 --> 00:13:34,480 And that ended horribly, you know. 225 00:13:34,480 --> 00:13:38,480 With, you know, I destroyed his whole family, you know. 226 00:13:38,480 --> 00:13:40,480 I caused pain, too. 227 00:13:40,480 --> 00:13:43,480 And then my next one was, like, a year. 228 00:13:43,480 --> 00:13:49,480 And then my next one was, like, and then I started the rehab track, you know, where it was, like, you know, two months, you know. 229 00:13:49,480 --> 00:13:51,480 Or, like, two weeks, you know. 230 00:13:51,480 --> 00:13:53,480 And I remember, like, talking about fear. 231 00:13:53,480 --> 00:13:58,480 Like, I remember when I, what it felt like when I felt that person pulling away, you know. 232 00:13:58,480 --> 00:13:59,480 Because I knew. 233 00:13:59,480 --> 00:14:04,480 Like, I knew when, you know, they were trying to, you know, escape. 234 00:14:04,480 --> 00:14:09,480 And my fear wasn't that, oh, you know, I'm going to miss him. 235 00:14:09,480 --> 00:14:12,480 It was what's going to happen to me, you know. 236 00:14:12,480 --> 00:14:14,480 Like, where am I going to live? 237 00:14:14,480 --> 00:14:16,480 Who's going to take me places? 238 00:14:16,480 --> 00:14:17,480 How am I going to eat? 239 00:14:17,480 --> 00:14:18,480 How am I going to drink, you know? 240 00:14:18,480 --> 00:14:23,480 How am I going to get whatever else I'm doing, you know, at that time? 241 00:14:23,480 --> 00:14:26,480 And so what happened? 242 00:14:26,480 --> 00:14:27,480 So, you know, I did the rehab. 243 00:14:27,480 --> 00:14:29,480 I did the rehab thing. 244 00:14:29,480 --> 00:14:33,480 My parents put me in a 28-day program in Palm Desert. 245 00:14:33,480 --> 00:14:37,480 I think I was 24 because the guys were gone. 246 00:14:37,480 --> 00:14:39,480 So I landed back at my parents, you know. 247 00:14:39,480 --> 00:14:41,480 And so I couldn't drink, you know. 248 00:14:41,480 --> 00:14:42,480 And so I went. 249 00:14:42,480 --> 00:14:44,480 And it's not that that place wasn't. 250 00:14:44,480 --> 00:14:46,480 Has anyone ever knocked this over? 251 00:14:46,480 --> 00:14:48,480 I feel like that was about to happen. 252 00:14:48,480 --> 00:14:52,480 So I, yeah, so, you know, I didn't want to get sober. 253 00:14:52,480 --> 00:14:55,480 I'm sure it was a good program or is a good program. 254 00:14:55,480 --> 00:14:56,480 They send me, like. 255 00:14:56,480 --> 00:14:58,480 They send me, like, donor. 256 00:14:58,480 --> 00:15:00,480 Because my parents paid for it. 257 00:15:00,480 --> 00:15:09,480 And I still get mail from this place, like, asking for, like, you know, like, to buy a $10,000, like, you know, benefit ticket or whatever. 258 00:15:09,480 --> 00:15:10,480 And I'm like, oh, my God. 259 00:15:10,480 --> 00:15:13,480 I don't know who they think they're sending the statement. 260 00:15:13,480 --> 00:15:21,480 But, yeah, and what I did there for 28 days was I, you know, I ate frozen yogurt and I played ping pong and I fraternized. 261 00:15:21,480 --> 00:15:24,480 And I left there, you know, with my parents. 262 00:15:24,480 --> 00:15:29,480 You know, with, like, my $40,000 big book on my parents' dime. 263 00:15:29,480 --> 00:15:31,480 And I stayed sober for four days. 264 00:15:31,480 --> 00:15:33,480 And I hit a worse bottom. 265 00:15:33,480 --> 00:15:38,480 I dragged my parents through some more pain, you know, and some more hell. 266 00:15:38,480 --> 00:15:45,480 You know, and the things I did when I think about it, the way that I hurt people, you know, I wasn't, like, a scrappy. 267 00:15:45,480 --> 00:15:46,480 I'm still not. 268 00:15:46,480 --> 00:15:48,480 I'm not a scrappy person, you know. 269 00:15:48,480 --> 00:15:52,480 I had these friends who would, like, love to, like, you know, talk big. 270 00:15:52,480 --> 00:15:56,480 And, you know, like, provoke girls and, like, ball their fists up. 271 00:15:56,480 --> 00:15:59,480 And I was, like, I was never that person. 272 00:15:59,480 --> 00:16:02,480 Like, I've never, like, I would never, you know. 273 00:16:02,480 --> 00:16:05,480 If someone wanted to fight me, I'd be, like, oh, my God, and start crying. 274 00:16:05,480 --> 00:16:14,480 My reaction and it's, like, it was my manipulation, too, was just, like, oh, you know, that's how I got things. 275 00:16:14,480 --> 00:16:17,480 Like, oh, you know, like, whoever, you know. 276 00:16:17,480 --> 00:16:20,480 And, you know, that's how I got by. 277 00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:21,480 But. 278 00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:25,480 So, and I hit this worse bottom and I hurt my parents. 279 00:16:25,480 --> 00:16:29,480 And then they sent me to a 90-day program in Simi Valley. 280 00:16:29,480 --> 00:16:35,480 And I was good at completing programs because, number one, I had, like, nowhere else to go, you know. 281 00:16:35,480 --> 00:16:37,480 So, I had to do it for survival. 282 00:16:37,480 --> 00:16:40,480 And I could say, you know, what I needed to say. 283 00:16:40,480 --> 00:16:45,480 And what I did at this program was I basically fraternized for 90 days. 284 00:16:45,480 --> 00:16:48,480 I had, or three months. 285 00:16:48,480 --> 00:16:50,480 Yeah, same thing. 286 00:16:50,480 --> 00:16:52,480 I have two master's degrees. 287 00:16:52,480 --> 00:16:54,480 How many days? 288 00:16:54,480 --> 00:16:57,480 In sobriety that happened. 289 00:16:57,480 --> 00:16:58,480 The end. 290 00:16:58,480 --> 00:16:59,480 No, I'm just kidding. 291 00:16:59,480 --> 00:17:00,480 I'm just kidding. 292 00:17:00,480 --> 00:17:05,480 So, and I, yeah, I had, like, three boyfriends in 90 days. 293 00:17:05,480 --> 00:17:08,480 And some of them already had girlfriends and fiancés. 294 00:17:08,480 --> 00:17:12,480 And I had no principles before Alcoholics Anonymous. 295 00:17:12,480 --> 00:17:16,480 And that's why I say, like, I just hurt people, you know. 296 00:17:16,480 --> 00:17:17,480 I had no. 297 00:17:17,480 --> 00:17:23,480 I would never have thought about the fiancé of the guy that was giving me attention, you know. 298 00:17:23,480 --> 00:17:29,480 Or, you know, I just, I didn't have the capability to think that way, you know. 299 00:17:29,480 --> 00:17:36,480 And it still amazes me that something, something broke through, you know, that I have that capability today. 300 00:17:36,480 --> 00:17:43,480 I can't say that, you know, maybe it's a result of, you know, the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and learning how to live this way of life. 301 00:17:43,480 --> 00:17:46,480 And life is a lot easier with that ability, you know. 302 00:17:46,480 --> 00:17:50,480 I don't step on as many toes when I'm able to think of others, you know. 303 00:17:50,480 --> 00:17:52,480 And the book tells me that my life depends on it. 304 00:17:52,480 --> 00:17:54,480 So, I want to stay here. 305 00:17:54,480 --> 00:17:55,480 I love the life that I have. 306 00:17:55,480 --> 00:17:58,480 So, you know, and it's not conscious, you know. 307 00:17:58,480 --> 00:18:03,480 That's what I love about, I love about these steps and just this, you know, design for living. 308 00:18:03,480 --> 00:18:05,480 It's just, like, I suit up. 309 00:18:05,480 --> 00:18:06,480 I show up. 310 00:18:06,480 --> 00:18:07,480 I do, you know. 311 00:18:07,480 --> 00:18:08,480 I just do. 312 00:18:08,480 --> 00:18:12,480 And then it, like, it, like, infiltrates you, you know. 313 00:18:12,480 --> 00:18:15,480 I don't have to think, like, oh, I need to do this or, oh, I need to do that. 314 00:18:15,480 --> 00:18:16,480 I used to do that. 315 00:18:16,480 --> 00:18:19,480 I used to think of, like, video games where it would give you, like, instructions. 316 00:18:19,480 --> 00:18:21,480 Like, use your hammer, you know. 317 00:18:21,480 --> 00:18:23,480 Like, I don't need that. 318 00:18:23,480 --> 00:18:27,480 Like, I feel like I suit up and show up and learn how to live this way of life. 319 00:18:27,480 --> 00:18:34,480 Like, learn, apply these principles, go through all the steps and then learn how to apply these principles in my daily living. 320 00:18:34,480 --> 00:18:39,480 Not perfectly, but I had a sponsor that, like, was, like, practice, practice, practice, you know. 321 00:18:39,480 --> 00:18:42,480 And as long as I don't drink, I get to practice, practice, practice, you know. 322 00:18:42,480 --> 00:18:44,480 And it just becomes, you know. 323 00:18:44,480 --> 00:18:45,480 And I, it's, like, I think about. 324 00:18:45,480 --> 00:18:48,480 I think about employers that I've had. 325 00:18:48,480 --> 00:18:50,480 I've had a lot of jobs in sobriety. 326 00:18:50,480 --> 00:18:53,480 I finally landed somewhere that I like. 327 00:18:53,480 --> 00:18:55,480 It only took 16 years. 328 00:18:55,480 --> 00:19:02,480 But, you know, one of my bosses, I remember telling her, or her telling me, like, you're, you know, calling me authentic. 329 00:19:02,480 --> 00:19:05,480 You know, what I really love about you is you're authentic. 330 00:19:05,480 --> 00:19:09,480 And then my new supervisor was telling me, like, you're so considerate, you know. 331 00:19:09,480 --> 00:19:14,480 And every time I get a compliment like that, I know that it's Alcoholics Anonymous. 332 00:19:14,480 --> 00:19:16,480 I know I didn't have that before I got here. 333 00:19:16,480 --> 00:19:21,480 You know, you've taught me how to be considerate and kind and real and honest, you know. 334 00:19:21,480 --> 00:19:23,480 And I like to live that way. 335 00:19:23,480 --> 00:19:24,480 I like it. 336 00:19:24,480 --> 00:19:27,480 I'm unburdened, you know, when I learn how to live that way. 337 00:19:27,480 --> 00:19:34,480 But it took, it took working through the steps and feeling uncomfortable in the process, you know, to get there. 338 00:19:34,480 --> 00:19:39,480 And it was a long, it's just been a long road for me, you know. 339 00:19:39,480 --> 00:19:43,480 But thank God for good sponsorship and a good home group. 340 00:19:43,480 --> 00:19:47,480 And just amazing examples of Alcoholics Anonymous in my life. 341 00:19:47,480 --> 00:19:54,480 But after this 90-day program in Simi Valley, I, you know, I completed. 342 00:19:54,480 --> 00:19:56,480 And that night I had the guy I was seeing come pick me up. 343 00:19:56,480 --> 00:20:01,480 And, you know, I, well, I didn't get alcohol right away. 344 00:20:01,480 --> 00:20:02,480 Like, I did his drug of choice. 345 00:20:02,480 --> 00:20:05,480 I think about that, like, peculiar mental twist. 346 00:20:05,480 --> 00:20:10,480 And I thought, like, if I do his drug of choice, because I had never done it before, that it wouldn't be a relapse. 347 00:20:10,480 --> 00:20:11,480 But I didn't like him. 348 00:20:11,480 --> 00:20:12,480 Like, I cared about relapse. 349 00:20:12,480 --> 00:20:13,480 You know? 350 00:20:13,480 --> 00:20:14,480 I didn't care. 351 00:20:14,480 --> 00:20:16,480 I didn't care about Alcoholics Anonymous, you know. 352 00:20:16,480 --> 00:20:18,480 And anyway, I drank. 353 00:20:18,480 --> 00:20:22,480 And then I just, I kind of wreaked havoc in Simi Valley, you know. 354 00:20:22,480 --> 00:20:24,480 And the only people I knew were AA people. 355 00:20:24,480 --> 00:20:27,480 So those were the people that I was, you know, taking advantage of. 356 00:20:27,480 --> 00:20:29,480 And, you know, that thing. 357 00:20:29,480 --> 00:20:35,480 And they were renting me rooms and giving me rides and giving me jobs and letting me, like, nanny their kids. 358 00:20:35,480 --> 00:20:41,480 And I was, you know, drinking and, you know, snorting their kids Ritalin. 359 00:20:41,480 --> 00:20:42,480 And, you know, it was just, it was. 360 00:20:42,480 --> 00:20:44,480 It was bad. 361 00:20:44,480 --> 00:20:47,480 And that's where I hit my bottom, you know. 362 00:20:47,480 --> 00:20:50,480 Or for me, I hit many bottom. 363 00:20:50,480 --> 00:20:52,480 Many things that you could label, like, bottom. 364 00:20:52,480 --> 00:20:54,480 Like, bottom, bottom, bottom. 365 00:20:54,480 --> 00:20:59,480 But what happened to me when I was, I conceded to my innermost self that I was an alcoholic. 366 00:20:59,480 --> 00:21:01,480 I was living there and alcohol stopped working. 367 00:21:01,480 --> 00:21:02,480 You know? 368 00:21:02,480 --> 00:21:07,480 And it had stopped making me feel okay, like, a long time before that. 369 00:21:07,480 --> 00:21:11,480 But what it was still helping to do was, like, cover up the feelings that came from that. 370 00:21:11,480 --> 00:21:15,480 The feelings that came from, you know, hurting people everywhere I went. 371 00:21:15,480 --> 00:21:23,480 And being that person I was, like, really honestly disgusted to be was disgusted with myself and who I was and what I was doing. 372 00:21:23,480 --> 00:21:27,480 And alcohol helped me not feel that way. 373 00:21:27,480 --> 00:21:29,480 And then it didn't, you know. 374 00:21:29,480 --> 00:21:31,480 And then I couldn't drink enough to not feel. 375 00:21:31,480 --> 00:21:34,480 And I felt those things, like, every minute of every day. 376 00:21:34,480 --> 00:21:38,480 And that's when I conceded to my innermost self that I was an alcoholic. 377 00:21:38,480 --> 00:21:40,480 And what that looked like for me was, like, I'm an alcoholic. 378 00:21:40,480 --> 00:21:42,480 Because I always knew I was an alcoholic. 379 00:21:42,480 --> 00:21:44,480 But that means I can't drink. 380 00:21:44,480 --> 00:21:45,480 You know? 381 00:21:45,480 --> 00:21:50,480 And I love in the big book where it says, talks about the jumping off place. 382 00:21:50,480 --> 00:21:56,480 And it says, there will come a time when man can't imagine life either with or without alcohol. 383 00:21:56,480 --> 00:21:58,480 Then he will know loneliness such as few do. 384 00:21:58,480 --> 00:21:59,480 He'll be at the jumping off place. 385 00:21:59,480 --> 00:22:00,480 He'll wish for the end. 386 00:22:00,480 --> 00:22:07,480 And that's exactly what happened to me was I realized I couldn't drink anymore. 387 00:22:07,480 --> 00:22:09,480 And I had a decision to make. 388 00:22:09,480 --> 00:22:10,480 You know? 389 00:22:10,480 --> 00:22:15,480 And I think about, like, it wasn't my choice to get sober in Alcoholics Anonymous. 390 00:22:15,480 --> 00:22:16,480 You know? 391 00:22:16,480 --> 00:22:19,480 And that's just God's grace that I made it here. 392 00:22:19,480 --> 00:22:20,480 You know? 393 00:22:20,480 --> 00:22:25,480 And it's never lost on me that it wasn't my decision, you know, to come here. 394 00:22:25,480 --> 00:22:26,480 I chose the other path. 395 00:22:26,480 --> 00:22:30,480 And when the big book says, like, you know, here's your two choices. 396 00:22:30,480 --> 00:22:31,480 And I love the book. 397 00:22:31,480 --> 00:22:32,480 I love. 398 00:22:32,480 --> 00:22:34,480 I feel like it's written for me because it only gives you two choices. 399 00:22:34,480 --> 00:22:35,480 You know? 400 00:22:35,480 --> 00:22:36,480 Like, God is or he isn't. 401 00:22:36,480 --> 00:22:37,480 You know? 402 00:22:37,480 --> 00:22:38,480 And it's, like, that's for someone like me. 403 00:22:38,480 --> 00:22:40,480 Like, it has to be that simple. 404 00:22:40,480 --> 00:22:41,480 You know? 405 00:22:41,480 --> 00:22:44,480 So it's, like, I'm, like, well, I guess he is. 406 00:22:44,480 --> 00:22:45,480 I don't know. 407 00:22:45,480 --> 00:22:46,480 You know? 408 00:22:46,480 --> 00:22:48,480 And then where it says, like, we had two choices. 409 00:22:48,480 --> 00:22:49,480 You know? 410 00:22:49,480 --> 00:22:54,480 We could go on to the bitter end, like, blotting out the, you know, whatever pain of our existence. 411 00:22:54,480 --> 00:22:59,480 Or we can, you know, accept spiritual help or learn how to walk the spiritual path, something like that. 412 00:22:59,480 --> 00:23:01,480 And, like, I chose the bitter end. 413 00:23:01,480 --> 00:23:02,480 You know? 414 00:23:02,480 --> 00:23:03,480 Like, that was my choice. 415 00:23:03,480 --> 00:23:06,480 I did not want to be a part of Alcoholics Anonymous. 416 00:23:06,480 --> 00:23:07,480 I didn't want to live without alcohol. 417 00:23:07,480 --> 00:23:12,480 And I didn't want to be a part specifically of Alcoholics Anonymous. 418 00:23:12,480 --> 00:23:13,480 You know? 419 00:23:13,480 --> 00:23:14,480 Because I knew. 420 00:23:14,480 --> 00:23:15,480 I knew that that was the way. 421 00:23:15,480 --> 00:23:16,480 Right? 422 00:23:16,480 --> 00:23:19,980 If I was going to choose the other thing, that Alcoholics Anonymous would have to be 423 00:23:19,980 --> 00:23:20,980 a part of it. 424 00:23:20,980 --> 00:23:21,980 You know? 425 00:23:21,980 --> 00:23:22,980 I didn't know anything else. 426 00:23:22,980 --> 00:23:23,980 I didn't. 427 00:23:23,980 --> 00:23:27,480 There was no, like, you know, Buddhist thing at the time. 428 00:23:27,480 --> 00:23:28,480 Thank God. 429 00:23:28,480 --> 00:23:29,480 Thank God. 430 00:23:29,480 --> 00:23:32,480 So what happened was I was in Simi Valley. 431 00:23:32,480 --> 00:23:33,980 And I had a plan. 432 00:23:33,980 --> 00:23:34,980 You know? 433 00:23:34,980 --> 00:23:36,480 My parents were out of town on vacation. 434 00:23:36,480 --> 00:23:37,480 They live in Woodland Hills. 435 00:23:37,480 --> 00:23:42,480 We had a dog at the time who had epilepsy who took barbiturates to treat that. 436 00:23:42,480 --> 00:23:46,480 And I knew, you know, where they were because I also used to take them. 437 00:23:46,480 --> 00:23:50,480 And so I was living in Simi Valley. 438 00:23:50,480 --> 00:23:54,480 At this point in time, I was dating my sponsor's stepson. 439 00:23:54,480 --> 00:23:57,480 And I was 27 and he was 19. 440 00:23:57,480 --> 00:23:58,480 And he dumped me. 441 00:23:58,480 --> 00:24:00,480 I was, like, two bottles of wine into the night. 442 00:24:00,480 --> 00:24:01,480 And he dumped me. 443 00:24:01,480 --> 00:24:03,480 He's like, I love you, but you're crazy. 444 00:24:03,480 --> 00:24:05,480 And that's how all my relationships used to end. 445 00:24:05,480 --> 00:24:07,480 Like, I love you, but you're crazy. 446 00:24:07,480 --> 00:24:08,480 And I say this a lot. 447 00:24:08,480 --> 00:24:13,480 But my husband, who is, everyone loves him. 448 00:24:13,480 --> 00:24:16,480 And he's a great speaker if you need somebody. 449 00:24:16,480 --> 00:24:21,480 And, you know, he's friends with, like, every girl he's ever known on Facebook. 450 00:24:21,480 --> 00:24:25,480 And, like, when we got together, I told him, like, you don't have to worry about any of that with me. 451 00:24:25,480 --> 00:24:26,480 Like, I crazied everybody away. 452 00:24:26,480 --> 00:24:28,480 Like, nobody is going to look for me. 453 00:24:28,480 --> 00:24:33,480 And to this day, like, nobody has looked for me. 454 00:24:33,480 --> 00:24:40,640 And, you know, when I feel sorry for myself about it, like, I hear my sponsor's voice and I'm like, God's rejection. 455 00:24:40,640 --> 00:24:42,640 God's protection. 456 00:24:42,640 --> 00:24:45,640 So that's how my sponsor sounds in my head. 457 00:24:45,640 --> 00:24:47,640 So not what she sounds like in real life. 458 00:24:47,640 --> 00:24:51,640 But so I called a cab. 459 00:24:51,640 --> 00:24:53,640 I did that thing where I'm like, let me out of the car. 460 00:24:53,640 --> 00:24:54,640 And he did. 461 00:24:54,640 --> 00:24:59,640 And I was, like, on a dirt road in Simi Valley with $60 in my pocket and a plan. 462 00:24:59,640 --> 00:25:00,640 And I called a cab. 463 00:25:00,640 --> 00:25:02,640 And I got to my parents' house. 464 00:25:02,640 --> 00:25:07,640 And I had, you know, I had to break into my parents' house because I was no longer welcome there. 465 00:25:07,640 --> 00:25:09,640 And I crawled through the dog door. 466 00:25:09,640 --> 00:25:13,640 And I remember getting stuck because I remember thinking, like, how dare they? 467 00:25:13,640 --> 00:25:17,640 You know, how dare they make me break into my own house like a dog? 468 00:25:17,640 --> 00:25:20,640 And that's, you know, that was my attitude towards them. 469 00:25:20,640 --> 00:25:26,640 You know, when I charged up their credit cards and put them back, I guess, they were like, we're not going to press charges against you. 470 00:25:26,640 --> 00:25:27,640 And I was like, how dare you? 471 00:25:27,640 --> 00:25:29,640 You know, I'm your daughter. 472 00:25:29,640 --> 00:25:31,640 And, you know, I just, that's, I got that. 473 00:25:31,640 --> 00:25:34,640 God lets me have those memories, like, fresh. 474 00:25:34,640 --> 00:25:45,640 You know, I just, I can see my dad's face, you know, when I was supposed to be being sober and going to meetings, like, with an empty, you know, jug of, like, vodka. 475 00:25:45,640 --> 00:25:47,640 And, you know, the pain in his face. 476 00:25:47,640 --> 00:25:51,640 And then, like, me saying, like, no, that's not mine. 477 00:25:51,640 --> 00:25:52,640 You know? 478 00:25:52,640 --> 00:25:55,640 And, like, I remember, and I couldn't even lie good. 479 00:25:55,640 --> 00:25:57,640 I was a liar who couldn't, like, lie. 480 00:25:57,640 --> 00:25:58,640 I couldn't think of anything. 481 00:25:58,640 --> 00:25:59,640 I'd just be like, no, that's not mine. 482 00:25:59,640 --> 00:26:00,640 You know? 483 00:26:00,640 --> 00:26:02,640 I was like, oh, that's old or, you know, whatever. 484 00:26:02,640 --> 00:26:04,640 I was just like, no, no. 485 00:26:04,640 --> 00:26:07,640 And I remember, like, the pain in his face. 486 00:26:07,640 --> 00:26:13,640 And I remember my, I remember thinking, like, I knew he knew I was lying. 487 00:26:13,640 --> 00:26:14,640 I knew it. 488 00:26:14,640 --> 00:26:16,640 I know, I know he knows I'm lying. 489 00:26:16,640 --> 00:26:19,640 And I still, like, couldn't own up to it. 490 00:26:19,640 --> 00:26:20,640 I couldn't tell the truth. 491 00:26:20,640 --> 00:26:21,640 I couldn't. 492 00:26:21,640 --> 00:26:26,640 And I think that's what I hated the most about myself was I just, I couldn't. 493 00:26:26,640 --> 00:26:27,640 You know? 494 00:26:27,640 --> 00:26:28,640 Even when it's, like, the game's up. 495 00:26:28,640 --> 00:26:29,640 You know? 496 00:26:29,640 --> 00:26:32,640 When you're red-handed, you're like, no, I'm not holding this water. 497 00:26:32,640 --> 00:26:33,640 You know? 498 00:26:33,640 --> 00:26:34,640 You know? 499 00:26:34,640 --> 00:26:35,640 Somebody put it there. 500 00:26:35,640 --> 00:26:36,640 And not being able to do that. 501 00:26:36,640 --> 00:26:37,640 You know? 502 00:26:37,640 --> 00:26:38,640 That's the biggest freedom I found, living in Alcoholics Anonymous. 503 00:26:38,640 --> 00:26:39,640 It's, like, I can tell you, like, I'm pretty frickin' honest. 504 00:26:39,640 --> 00:26:40,640 You know? 505 00:26:40,640 --> 00:26:41,640 Like, I don't like the burden of dishonesty anymore. 506 00:26:41,640 --> 00:26:42,640 You know? 507 00:26:42,640 --> 00:26:43,640 I just, God, you know, I've learned how to live differently. 508 00:26:43,640 --> 00:26:44,640 I know what it feels like to be free. 509 00:26:44,640 --> 00:26:45,640 You know? 510 00:26:45,640 --> 00:26:46,640 And I'd rather just feel like I'm free. 511 00:26:46,640 --> 00:26:47,640 You know? 512 00:26:47,640 --> 00:26:48,640 Like, I don't like the burden of dishonesty anymore. 513 00:26:48,640 --> 00:26:49,640 You know? 514 00:26:49,640 --> 00:26:50,640 I just, God, you know, I've learned how to live differently. 515 00:26:50,640 --> 00:26:51,640 I know what it feels like to be free. 516 00:26:51,640 --> 00:26:52,640 You know? 517 00:26:52,640 --> 00:26:53,640 And I'd rather just feel that way. 518 00:26:53,640 --> 00:26:54,640 You know? 519 00:26:54,640 --> 00:26:55,640 And when I mess up, I messed up. 520 00:26:55,640 --> 00:26:56,640 You know? 521 00:26:56,640 --> 00:26:57,640 I've messed up at work. 522 00:26:57,640 --> 00:26:58,640 I've messed up, I mess up a lot. 523 00:26:58,640 --> 00:26:59,640 You know? 524 00:26:59,640 --> 00:27:00,640 And when I'm able to say, and, you know, regardless of the consequences, you know, 525 00:27:00,640 --> 00:27:01,640 I've, I've lived, God has showed up for me enough in my experience in Alcoholics Anonymous 526 00:27:01,640 --> 00:27:02,640 that I just trust that if I'm free, I'm going to be free. 527 00:27:02,640 --> 00:27:03,640 You know? 528 00:27:03,640 --> 00:27:04,640 And when I'm able to say, and, you know, regardless of the consequences, you know, 529 00:27:04,640 --> 00:27:05,640 I've, I've lived, God has showed up for me enough in my experience in Alcoholics Anonymous 530 00:27:05,640 --> 00:27:06,640 that I just trust that if I lost that job because of that mess up, there you go. 531 00:27:06,640 --> 00:27:07,640 You know? 532 00:27:07,640 --> 00:27:08,640 It's, God has something better. 533 00:27:08,640 --> 00:27:09,640 You know? 534 00:27:09,640 --> 00:27:10,640 If, if I lost that relationship, God has something better. 535 00:27:10,640 --> 00:27:11,640 You know? 536 00:27:11,640 --> 00:27:12,640 I just, I believe that today. 537 00:27:12,640 --> 00:27:13,640 You know? 538 00:27:13,640 --> 00:27:14,640 But it took a while to get there. 539 00:27:14,640 --> 00:27:15,640 And so, you know, what happened at my parents house that night was, I did get in there. 540 00:27:15,640 --> 00:27:16,640 I did get to those pills. 541 00:27:16,640 --> 00:27:17,640 I took almost the whole bottle. 542 00:27:17,640 --> 00:27:18,640 My plan was good. 543 00:27:18,640 --> 00:27:19,640 I got the medication, and, you know, the little liposuction, and, and I was like, okay, 544 00:27:19,640 --> 00:27:20,640 this is okay. 545 00:27:20,640 --> 00:27:21,640 You know, I'm a little bit better. 546 00:27:21,640 --> 00:27:22,640 I think you know, you know, if, if I lost that job, I'm going to be better. 547 00:27:22,640 --> 00:27:23,640 You know? 548 00:27:23,640 --> 00:27:24,640 But it took a while to get there. 549 00:27:24,640 --> 00:27:25,640 And so, you know, God has shown up for me enough in my experience in Alcoholics Anonymous 550 00:27:25,640 --> 00:27:26,640 that I just trust that if I lost that job because of that mess up, there you go. 551 00:27:26,640 --> 00:27:27,640 You know? 552 00:27:27,640 --> 00:27:32,640 something better you know I just it I believe that today you know but it took 553 00:27:32,640 --> 00:27:37,980 a while to get there and so you know what happened at my parents house that 554 00:27:37,980 --> 00:27:42,580 night was I did get in there I did get to those pills I took almost the whole 555 00:27:42,580 --> 00:27:48,100 bottle my plan was good I like to stress it you know I really really really 556 00:27:48,100 --> 00:27:53,260 wanted to die you know and I am I took I left like seven for the dog and I took 557 00:27:53,260 --> 00:27:56,320 those pills and I went down to the den because that's who I was thinking about 558 00:27:56,320 --> 00:28:02,500 and I I took all those pills and and you know I read these meditation books 559 00:28:02,500 --> 00:28:06,580 in the morning it's part of my like discipline I read the daily reflections 560 00:28:06,580 --> 00:28:10,720 and then 24 hours a day and I don't remember they're certain I'm such like 561 00:28:10,720 --> 00:28:15,400 an AA nerd like sometimes I have like favorite days or whatever and so like 562 00:28:15,400 --> 00:28:19,480 because you get to the same day every year and sometimes I'll get to one I'll 563 00:28:19,480 --> 00:28:24,820 be like oh I love this one you know and one of them and I don't know which book 564 00:28:24,820 --> 00:28:26,300 it's in but um 565 00:28:26,300 --> 00:28:31,080 like one of them talks about like how God sometimes we don't we don't have to 566 00:28:31,080 --> 00:28:36,000 say words to God like I don't have to verbalize May my prayer you know that 567 00:28:36,000 --> 00:28:40,700 God knows what's in my heart you know and um I remember reading that one year 568 00:28:40,700 --> 00:28:45,740 and I'm thinking because I know I I know when I say like I wanted to die my it 569 00:28:45,740 --> 00:28:50,720 was very purposeful you know what I did with those pills but that I think maybe 570 00:28:50,720 --> 00:28:55,180 you know maybe I had one of those heart prayers and maybe I wanted to live in 571 00:28:55,180 --> 00:29:01,100 and God heard that, you know, and I am amazed at the God that I found in Alcoholics Anonymous, 572 00:29:01,380 --> 00:29:10,500 you know, and I'm so grateful. So I didn't die, obviously. And, and I love what I love when I talk 573 00:29:10,500 --> 00:29:15,000 and you don't have to do it, just because I'm saying it right now. But like, sometimes, you 574 00:29:15,000 --> 00:29:19,860 know, someone will come up and thank me afterwards. And they'll be like, I am so glad you didn't die. 575 00:29:19,860 --> 00:29:25,500 And I'm almost like, that's so nice. I'm glad I didn't die. You know, like, I just think that's 576 00:29:25,500 --> 00:29:31,980 so nice. But please don't feel obligated. Someone should just joke and be like, I wish you died. 577 00:29:32,340 --> 00:29:37,240 Anyway. But and then I'll go home to my husband and be like, someone did the meanest thing. 578 00:29:37,820 --> 00:29:44,800 But he'll probably think like, yeah, I wish I wish that too. But but so my God was working in my life 579 00:29:44,800 --> 00:29:49,540 a long time before I acknowledged him or allowed him to because my brother who was a grown up, 580 00:29:49,860 --> 00:29:54,820 who didn't live at the house, he lived somewhere else was there at the house. And he called the 581 00:29:54,820 --> 00:30:01,760 paramedics. And I woke up in ICU, I don't know how many days later, and opened my eyes and realized 582 00:30:01,760 --> 00:30:07,240 I wasn't dead. And my first thought was F you God, you know, and I didn't have a relationship with 583 00:30:07,240 --> 00:30:12,180 God before Alcoholics Anonymous. I believed in God because I was raised a certain way. But, 584 00:30:12,600 --> 00:30:17,080 you know, I didn't have a relation. I can tell you, we parted ways. When I was 15, 585 00:30:17,140 --> 00:30:19,840 I dropped out of confirmation, you know, and I just thought there's God in his, 586 00:30:19,840 --> 00:30:25,020 his people, and me and smart people. And that's the way it's going to be. And, and I love in we 587 00:30:25,020 --> 00:30:29,220 agnostics where it says deep down in every man, woman and child is the fundamental idea of God, 588 00:30:29,280 --> 00:30:33,420 because I think when I opened my eyes and realized I wasn't dead, that I knew it was God's fault, 589 00:30:33,420 --> 00:30:42,920 you know, and that's, that's where I had to go, you know, in order for me to accept my place in 590 00:30:42,920 --> 00:30:47,820 Alcoholics Anonymous, you know, that's where I had to go. I'm so grateful that I had to go there, 591 00:30:47,940 --> 00:30:52,880 you know, because I was released from the, you know, psych ward, they moved me up to the psych 592 00:30:52,880 --> 00:30:58,260 ward after I cleared medically, and where I, you know, was just trying to fraternize. 593 00:30:59,420 --> 00:31:05,360 And God was working in my life again, because it was a social worker. And he, he one day was like, 594 00:31:05,440 --> 00:31:09,920 Oh, I have these two place, I found two rehabs for you to go to this, my parents were done. And I 595 00:31:09,920 --> 00:31:13,380 said, You can go to Santa Monica, or you can go to Sylmar. And I said, Well, I want to go to Santa 596 00:31:13,380 --> 00:31:17,100 Monica, because I like the beach, and I like surfers. And there's like a two story anthropology. 597 00:31:17,100 --> 00:31:22,440 I was at all of you with like, no insurance, no money, no nothing. And, and he's like, Okay, 598 00:31:22,460 --> 00:31:27,320 they have a bed tomorrow. But this place in Sylmar has a bed today. And I was I just want to get out 599 00:31:27,320 --> 00:31:30,220 of there because you couldn't smoke. So I was like, fine, I'll go to Sylmar. And I was already 600 00:31:30,220 --> 00:31:37,720 in Sylmar. And it ended up being, you know, six month all women's recovery home. And that's where 601 00:31:37,720 --> 00:31:42,380 my life changed, you know, and I remember getting to the gate and this woman, you know, like, Hi, 602 00:31:42,380 --> 00:31:46,500 I'm your big sister, we're gonna love you till you love yourself. And I was like, whatever, 603 00:31:46,500 --> 00:31:53,380 you know, like, I honestly felt at that moment, like, God wins, like taking those pills was the 604 00:31:53,380 --> 00:32:00,900 last idea I had, you know, I had nothing left after that. And I felt like, God wins, my punishment is, 605 00:32:01,080 --> 00:32:08,320 you know, my penance and my punishment is to, you know, live, you know, here with you, you know, 606 00:32:08,320 --> 00:32:12,640 and I felt that way when I walked into Alcoholics Anonymous to my home group, you know, like, 607 00:32:12,640 --> 00:32:16,040 yeah, okay, you know, whatever, you know, and, 608 00:32:16,500 --> 00:32:23,140 I'm so grateful for the patience of the people in my home group, you know. I stayed at that recovery 609 00:32:23,140 --> 00:32:28,360 home for six months, I got a sponsor, I worked the steps to and was honest to, you know, the best of 610 00:32:28,360 --> 00:32:35,720 my ability. I decided somewhere around step seven, like this is okay, I can do this, you know, I can 611 00:32:35,720 --> 00:32:41,360 live in Alcoholics Anonymous. My sponsor was big on the foundation. And she told me the story, 612 00:32:41,360 --> 00:32:44,760 the three little pigs, and she said, you can build your house with straw sticks or bricks, 613 00:32:44,760 --> 00:32:51,140 because the big bad wolf will come and try to blow your house down. And I, I went on staff at that 614 00:32:51,140 --> 00:32:54,800 recovery home for nine months, and then I lived at their sober living for a year. And then I lived 615 00:32:54,800 --> 00:32:59,800 with my sponsor for a year. And I didn't make any of those decisions. I didn't say I'm going to live 616 00:32:59,800 --> 00:33:04,980 with, you know, at sober living for a year. I didn't have any other options. My experience 617 00:33:04,980 --> 00:33:09,720 in Alcoholics Anonymous is that God, you know, I complained the first three years of my sobriety 618 00:33:09,720 --> 00:33:14,280 about the stuff I didn't have the stuff that these other girls had, you know, at six months 619 00:33:14,280 --> 00:33:14,520 completed. And I said, I'm going to live with my sponsor for a year. And I said, I'm going to live with 620 00:33:14,520 --> 00:33:15,000 my sponsor for a year. And I said, I'm going to live with my sponsor for a year. And I said, I'm going to 621 00:33:15,000 --> 00:33:19,540 go out into the world having babies, getting boyfriends, driving cars, shopping Starbucks. 622 00:33:20,100 --> 00:33:23,860 And I would call my sponsor and be like, I'm taking the bus. I have these commitments, you know, 623 00:33:24,160 --> 00:33:28,660 I'm getting a court card sign, like I don't, you know, those pigs are having fun. And I have 624 00:33:28,660 --> 00:33:31,620 nothing, you know, and she'd say, what kind of sobriety do you want? I mean, I want to get 625 00:33:31,620 --> 00:33:36,000 sobriety, you know, so I kept plugging along. And a lot of those girls aren't here, you know, 626 00:33:36,120 --> 00:33:41,760 some are in, some are out, some are dead, you know, and I haven't been sober all that long, 627 00:33:41,760 --> 00:33:47,000 but I've been sober long enough to see young women die, you know, and those babies that those 628 00:33:47,000 --> 00:33:52,120 women had, they don't have them anymore, some of them, you know, and I've gotten to see that 629 00:33:52,120 --> 00:34:00,160 process. And thank God for good sponsorship. And, and God, I complained, but what I can see is 630 00:34:00,160 --> 00:34:08,120 God withheld things from me, you know, and thank God for that. Like, my experience is that God 631 00:34:08,120 --> 00:34:11,360 knows. I don't know. God knows. God knows. 632 00:34:11,760 --> 00:34:17,840 God's infinite. I'm finite. You know, I don't know what's good for me. I don't know what I need. I 633 00:34:17,840 --> 00:34:21,780 don't know what I'm going to need to grow. All the things that were withheld from me, you know, 634 00:34:21,840 --> 00:34:26,300 my goal in life before I got to Alcoholics Anonymous was to be like Mrs. Kobe Bryant. 635 00:34:26,560 --> 00:34:32,780 That was my singular goal. I wanted to be a rich, drunk wife with floor seats to Laker games. 636 00:34:32,980 --> 00:34:36,940 And when I got to AA, people were like, oh, do you know him? And I'm like, no. 637 00:34:38,000 --> 00:34:40,340 What does that have to do with it? You know, and 638 00:34:40,340 --> 00:34:45,260 what I've learned how to do in Alcoholics Anonymous is to suit up, show up, be self-supporting. 639 00:34:45,420 --> 00:34:51,660 It wasn't like easy. And I didn't like it. And it didn't feel good, you know. But, and they were 640 00:34:51,660 --> 00:34:56,800 hard lessons. Everything's been hard lessons. But, oh my God, if I didn't have to work hard for stuff, 641 00:34:56,860 --> 00:35:02,020 if I didn't go through those multiple inventories and look at all the ugly stuff, I wanted to kill 642 00:35:02,020 --> 00:35:07,780 myself again at 12 years of sobriety. And the difference at 12 years of sobriety and, you know, 643 00:35:07,780 --> 00:35:10,120 negative sobriety is that, 644 00:35:10,340 --> 00:35:17,620 number one, I was firmly planted in Alcoholics Anonymous and I called my sponsor. And number two, I had a God who's so powerful, 645 00:35:17,960 --> 00:35:24,300 you know, that, that could give me the power that I needed to walk through what I needed to walk through. And what it was was 646 00:35:24,300 --> 00:35:26,300 so piddly. I 647 00:35:26,300 --> 00:35:29,700 had, like, debt. It was about debt and medical insurance. 648 00:35:30,500 --> 00:35:37,120 And I, like, wanted to leave my children, you know, and my life and my amends, you know, because I couldn't, like, shop at 649 00:35:37,460 --> 00:35:40,300 anthropology. And anthropology plays, like, a very big 650 00:35:40,340 --> 00:35:50,720 role in my sobriety, in my defects. And now I just don't even open the emails. But, but, you know, and I had to look at that and be like, 651 00:35:50,720 --> 00:35:58,760 oh my God, that's so gross. And ask God to take it. And my experience is that he takes it, you know. And I have a minute left. So I'll say, like, I 652 00:35:58,760 --> 00:36:10,320 tried to kill myself when I was 27. I'm 43 now, you know. In the time I've been sober, my team has won the Super Bowl twice. I was, I felt so much joy each time they 653 00:36:10,320 --> 00:36:40,300 did that. And I thought, like, I can't believe I tried to kill myself. Like, I would have missed this. I've had two children, you know. I have two daughters, one's five and one's eight, you know. And I get to be there for every horrible moment. You know, they were, they get, like, super yucky around Christmas time. I want that. I want that. I want that. And, you know, sometimes when they're being nasty, I'm like, you don't even know how lucky you are to have two sober parents, you know. And I want to tell them, but, and then I think, you know what, they don't, they don't ever 654 00:36:40,320 --> 00:37:10,300 need to know what I used to be like, what it, what it could be like for them, you know. They don't need to know that. I'm so grateful to be a sober mom, you know. God has gifted me those things. I wanted kids early. I wanted kids before I was even, you know, done drinking. And God took, God didn't let me have that either. And thank God for that, you know. I get to be a sober mom today, you know. And I'll say this, when season six of Game of Thrones started airing, I would be at the edge of my bed, pointing up at the sky, thanking God every night. 655 00:37:10,320 --> 00:37:40,300 For this show. And, and what I love, because then I was like, what am I going to do when it ends? Like, I'll want to die again. But, but I know, because God has shown me that, that there's going to be something else that's great, that gives me joy, that I'm passionate about, that I love. God does that for me. I have so much joy in my life. And if the price I have to pay is to suit up, show up and like be of service, or to grow, or to feel uncomfortable and sad and whatever, you know, like, I'll take it. 656 00:37:40,320 --> 00:38:10,300 It's so much better than what I used to have. And I didn't even want it. I think about that all the time. I didn't even want to be here. I didn't want any of the stuff. And God is so merciful and wonderful that he lets me have it anyway. He put these people in my life to carry the message to me in a way that I could hear it. And he gave me no place else to go so that I could, you know, learn how to live inside of Alcoholics Anonymous. And, and I, and it's just never lost on me that what a gift this is. How lucky we are. 657 00:38:10,320 --> 00:38:11,440 To be here. Thank you.