1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:03,480 Now I would like to introduce our main speaker, Jerry. 2 00:00:07,120 --> 00:00:07,960 Thank you. 3 00:00:09,290 --> 00:00:11,070 Hi, I'm Jerry, I'm an alcoholic. 4 00:00:11,070 --> 00:00:12,030 Where's Bruce? 5 00:00:12,030 --> 00:00:12,870 Where's Bruce, back there? 6 00:00:12,870 --> 00:00:13,910 What's up, man? 7 00:00:13,910 --> 00:00:17,190 I'd like to thank Oscar for asking me to participate. 8 00:00:17,190 --> 00:00:20,030 I got a text from the unknown number, 9 00:00:20,030 --> 00:00:22,110 and it was like, you're gonna be at the meeting tonight, 10 00:00:22,110 --> 00:00:23,370 which means I'm either speaking 11 00:00:23,370 --> 00:00:24,990 or I'm covering somebody's commitment. 12 00:00:24,990 --> 00:00:27,630 I just had that just feeling it was like an Oscar text. 13 00:00:27,630 --> 00:00:29,030 You know, you can just feel Oscar 14 00:00:29,030 --> 00:00:30,610 when he's coming through a text. 15 00:00:30,610 --> 00:00:32,770 And he asked me if I could wear a suit and tie, 16 00:00:32,770 --> 00:00:34,770 and I'm like, sure, I'm capable of wearing a suit and tie. 17 00:00:34,770 --> 00:00:35,990 This ain't the first time. 18 00:00:35,990 --> 00:00:38,730 And he told me his flaky speaker flaked out on him again. 19 00:00:38,730 --> 00:00:39,850 He needed somebody to bail him out. 20 00:00:39,850 --> 00:00:43,610 So it is his fault that you guys get to hear me again, 21 00:00:43,610 --> 00:00:45,790 because I know some of you are sick to death of my story, 22 00:00:45,790 --> 00:00:48,290 but too bad, it's my story. 23 00:00:48,290 --> 00:00:50,330 And I love Quality of Life, 24 00:00:50,330 --> 00:00:52,850 and you know, the life you guys have given me, 25 00:00:52,850 --> 00:00:55,630 because left to my own devices, man, I gotta, 26 00:00:55,630 --> 00:00:58,810 I make terrible, terrible decisions, man. 27 00:00:58,810 --> 00:01:00,590 And Karen, it's good to see you. 28 00:01:00,590 --> 00:01:04,210 And New Bronze Falls brings up warm and fuzzy feelings, 29 00:01:04,210 --> 00:01:06,730 because that's where we used to go on spring break. 30 00:01:06,730 --> 00:01:08,090 And we used to go down there, 31 00:01:08,090 --> 00:01:09,470 and we'd drive down there and drink, 32 00:01:09,470 --> 00:01:10,770 and then they used to go tubing. 33 00:01:10,770 --> 00:01:11,910 They'd get these tubes, 34 00:01:11,910 --> 00:01:14,230 and they're just those like tire tubes, man. 35 00:01:14,230 --> 00:01:16,750 And you'd get the beer, and you'd put them in the water, 36 00:01:16,750 --> 00:01:18,150 and you dragged them on the tube, 37 00:01:18,150 --> 00:01:21,350 and you floated down the river until you passed out. 38 00:01:21,350 --> 00:01:24,210 And somebody picked you up, brought you back to your car, 39 00:01:24,210 --> 00:01:27,450 and you drunk drove home and drank at the hotel, 40 00:01:27,450 --> 00:01:28,710 and you did it the next day, man. 41 00:01:28,710 --> 00:01:30,510 I loved New Bronze Falls. 42 00:01:30,590 --> 00:01:34,250 That was when alcohol was definitely working for me. 43 00:01:34,250 --> 00:01:36,350 And if it was working like that, dude, 44 00:01:36,350 --> 00:01:37,850 I'd be doing that stuff. 45 00:01:37,850 --> 00:01:40,110 And you guys know my pitch, man, 46 00:01:40,110 --> 00:01:41,830 so I'm just gonna randomly talk about stuff. 47 00:01:41,830 --> 00:01:43,990 I went to an eighth grade dance last night. 48 00:01:43,990 --> 00:01:45,430 I was asked to chaperone. 49 00:01:45,430 --> 00:01:46,270 Yeah, it was weird, man. 50 00:01:46,270 --> 00:01:48,390 I'm a middle school teacher, so it's not that weird. 51 00:01:48,390 --> 00:01:51,910 And I was asked to chaperone. 52 00:01:51,910 --> 00:01:54,350 And I'm sitting there, and I'm looking at this email, 53 00:01:54,350 --> 00:01:56,950 and I've like, I got all my stuff done like yesterday, 54 00:01:56,950 --> 00:01:58,210 except for I got some finals to grade. 55 00:01:58,210 --> 00:01:59,890 I did that today, it was awesome. 56 00:01:59,890 --> 00:02:01,330 So I sit there, I'm looking at the email, 57 00:02:01,330 --> 00:02:02,650 and they're begging for help. 58 00:02:02,650 --> 00:02:04,130 And I'm like, man, I don't want to chaperone 59 00:02:04,130 --> 00:02:05,890 in the middle on a Friday night. 60 00:02:05,890 --> 00:02:07,590 I don't want to do it, I don't want to do it. 61 00:02:07,590 --> 00:02:09,330 And then I finally said I'd do it. 62 00:02:09,330 --> 00:02:13,050 And then I show up, and there's plenty of chaperones there. 63 00:02:13,050 --> 00:02:14,550 And you know how alcoholics do that. 64 00:02:14,550 --> 00:02:16,650 And it's like awkward, like eighth grade dances 65 00:02:16,650 --> 00:02:18,010 are awkward for everybody. 66 00:02:18,010 --> 00:02:19,810 And I got awkwardly standing there, 67 00:02:19,810 --> 00:02:20,990 and I like, I know these people. 68 00:02:20,990 --> 00:02:21,850 I work with these people. 69 00:02:21,850 --> 00:02:23,010 These people like me. 70 00:02:23,010 --> 00:02:23,970 And I'm standing there, 71 00:02:23,970 --> 00:02:25,450 because I don't know what I'm doing at a chaperone. 72 00:02:25,450 --> 00:02:26,290 Like, what am I supposed to do? 73 00:02:26,290 --> 00:02:27,210 Am I supposed to be watching? 74 00:02:27,210 --> 00:02:28,270 Is it creepy if I'm watching? 75 00:02:28,270 --> 00:02:29,750 Like, what are they supposed to do? 76 00:02:29,750 --> 00:02:31,430 Do I go into the dance room? 77 00:02:31,430 --> 00:02:32,270 Do I not? 78 00:02:32,270 --> 00:02:33,490 I got my bosses standing there. 79 00:02:33,490 --> 00:02:34,330 Like, we're talking. 80 00:02:34,330 --> 00:02:35,910 I'm like, should I just be talking here? 81 00:02:35,910 --> 00:02:37,530 They're talking, so I should be talking. 82 00:02:37,530 --> 00:02:38,830 It seems like it's fine. 83 00:02:38,830 --> 00:02:40,430 But maybe I should be in the dance, 84 00:02:40,430 --> 00:02:41,250 because that's what they're doing. 85 00:02:41,250 --> 00:02:43,330 And I walk in the dance, and there's eighth graders 86 00:02:43,330 --> 00:02:45,910 all dressed to the nines, because they're Calabasas kids. 87 00:02:45,910 --> 00:02:47,770 They got like these expensive dresses, 88 00:02:47,770 --> 00:02:48,610 and they're dressed up. 89 00:02:48,610 --> 00:02:51,170 And they're huddled in their little circles of groups, man. 90 00:02:51,170 --> 00:02:52,970 So you'd have like little circles of boys, 91 00:02:52,970 --> 00:02:55,430 and little circles of girls, and little suckers of boys, 92 00:02:55,430 --> 00:02:57,350 and girls, and none of the boys were dancing. 93 00:02:57,350 --> 00:03:00,990 And nobody was dancing, and it was the most awkward thing. 94 00:03:00,990 --> 00:03:05,250 And I lived in that awkward feeling my whole life. 95 00:03:05,250 --> 00:03:08,650 Like, I still live in that awkward feeling, 96 00:03:08,650 --> 00:03:13,270 that just discomfort of what circle do I fit in 97 00:03:13,270 --> 00:03:15,850 just long enough so that I can get out 98 00:03:15,850 --> 00:03:18,650 of any social engagement I'm into. 99 00:03:18,650 --> 00:03:20,990 Just put me in my little circle, 100 00:03:20,990 --> 00:03:22,610 and I want it to end quick. 101 00:03:22,610 --> 00:03:25,210 And I saw like one of my kids, like, you know, 102 00:03:25,210 --> 00:03:27,790 he was asking about, because he wanted to go home early. 103 00:03:27,790 --> 00:03:30,350 And I know that feeling, man, because like, 104 00:03:30,350 --> 00:03:32,090 when I'm in them awkward situations, 105 00:03:32,090 --> 00:03:33,710 and it's uncomfortable, and I don't know 106 00:03:33,710 --> 00:03:35,970 what I'm supposed to do, or say, or think, 107 00:03:35,970 --> 00:03:38,510 or what you're thinking about me, man, I want to go home. 108 00:03:38,510 --> 00:03:41,150 And I've had those calls to my mom, like, 109 00:03:41,150 --> 00:03:43,650 just come get me, because I don't know how to be. 110 00:03:43,650 --> 00:03:45,590 I'm with my friends. 111 00:03:45,590 --> 00:03:47,010 They like me. 112 00:03:47,010 --> 00:03:49,430 They want me to be there. 113 00:03:49,430 --> 00:03:50,790 I don't know how to be. 114 00:03:50,790 --> 00:03:53,330 I'm crawling in my skin. 115 00:03:53,330 --> 00:03:55,650 I just don't know what I'm supposed to say or do. 116 00:03:55,650 --> 00:03:57,010 Mom, come please pick me. 117 00:03:57,010 --> 00:03:57,970 I need to go home. 118 00:03:57,970 --> 00:03:59,890 Because at home, I can think. 119 00:03:59,890 --> 00:04:01,110 And I love to think. 120 00:04:01,110 --> 00:04:03,010 I love that fantasy world. 121 00:04:03,010 --> 00:04:06,090 I love pretending like whatever existence is out there 122 00:04:06,090 --> 00:04:07,650 isn't my reality. 123 00:04:07,650 --> 00:04:08,670 I can make it up, man. 124 00:04:08,670 --> 00:04:10,110 And I still love that level. 125 00:04:10,110 --> 00:04:12,090 And I'm still living that awkwardness. 126 00:04:12,090 --> 00:04:13,910 And I still live in that discomfort. 127 00:04:13,910 --> 00:04:17,430 The difference is, you guys have given me tools 128 00:04:17,430 --> 00:04:19,350 to deal with all that stuff. 129 00:04:19,350 --> 00:04:22,770 So when I show up, even though I'm super uncomfortable, 130 00:04:22,770 --> 00:04:25,490 and I'm standing there, and it's Hawaiian themed. 131 00:04:25,490 --> 00:04:27,630 So I got my Hawaiian shirt on. 132 00:04:27,630 --> 00:04:29,590 And I know I'm supposed to wear the Hawaiian shirt. 133 00:04:29,590 --> 00:04:32,350 And I'm standing there, and I'm all awkward and goofy. 134 00:04:32,350 --> 00:04:34,470 And I just want to walk away. 135 00:04:34,470 --> 00:04:37,010 I want to be mad at you for asking me to do this, 136 00:04:37,010 --> 00:04:39,670 and then having plenty of people there to chaperone. 137 00:04:39,670 --> 00:04:41,150 And I just want to go home, man. 138 00:04:41,150 --> 00:04:44,770 But you guys taught me how to stay there, and kind of smile, 139 00:04:44,770 --> 00:04:47,830 and make small talk until I find a comfort zone. 140 00:04:47,830 --> 00:04:48,690 And then I find myself. 141 00:04:48,690 --> 00:04:51,530 My, what do those call, like the tables and benches. 142 00:04:51,530 --> 00:04:53,610 And I find my table and bench. 143 00:04:53,610 --> 00:04:56,310 And I sit there, and I like breathe, 144 00:04:56,310 --> 00:04:57,950 because I got like my area now. 145 00:04:57,950 --> 00:04:59,450 And I'm like chaperoning that area. 146 00:04:59,450 --> 00:05:01,570 And students would come and talk, and teachers 147 00:05:01,570 --> 00:05:02,370 would come and talk. 148 00:05:02,370 --> 00:05:06,630 And it all was just fine, because I said yes. 149 00:05:06,630 --> 00:05:08,190 And that's what you guys taught me. 150 00:05:08,190 --> 00:05:13,450 Like, if you say yes, and you take the action, 151 00:05:13,450 --> 00:05:16,830 the feelings will follow, and it'll all be fine. 152 00:05:16,830 --> 00:05:17,870 And you know, then I left. 153 00:05:17,870 --> 00:05:18,670 And that's my life. 154 00:05:18,670 --> 00:05:19,790 That's my life today. 155 00:05:19,790 --> 00:05:22,930 My family life was really good when I was young. 156 00:05:22,930 --> 00:05:24,350 I was loved. 157 00:05:24,350 --> 00:05:25,630 I was taken care of. 158 00:05:25,630 --> 00:05:26,650 I wasn't abused. 159 00:05:26,650 --> 00:05:28,750 I wasn't treated badly. 160 00:05:28,750 --> 00:05:32,030 My mom and dad were weird and unusual. 161 00:05:32,030 --> 00:05:34,270 But families are weird and unusual. 162 00:05:34,270 --> 00:05:37,170 They didn't seem to really like each other. 163 00:05:37,170 --> 00:05:41,270 But they didn't take it out on us very often. 164 00:05:41,270 --> 00:05:43,910 They weren't drunk very often. 165 00:05:43,910 --> 00:05:46,450 They didn't do drugs very often. 166 00:05:46,450 --> 00:05:48,550 They smoked a ton of cigarettes. 167 00:05:48,670 --> 00:05:54,070 And liked to be left alone, and liked to not interact 168 00:05:54,070 --> 00:05:55,650 with each other very much. 169 00:05:55,650 --> 00:06:00,630 And my brother, seven years older than me, 170 00:06:00,630 --> 00:06:04,270 is like your quintessential, like everything 171 00:06:04,270 --> 00:06:07,810 seems to work for him kind of person. 172 00:06:07,810 --> 00:06:11,410 He's athletic, and girls like him. 173 00:06:11,410 --> 00:06:15,130 And guys want to like him, and want to be his friend. 174 00:06:15,130 --> 00:06:18,670 And he's popular, and he's an all-star in baseball, 175 00:06:18,670 --> 00:06:19,330 and football. 176 00:06:19,330 --> 00:06:21,770 And you know, he was my role model. 177 00:06:21,770 --> 00:06:26,410 He's also like a stubborn knucklehead fighter, 178 00:06:26,410 --> 00:06:29,530 confrontation, don't know how to say when. 179 00:06:29,530 --> 00:06:31,450 And I'm the complete opposite. 180 00:06:31,450 --> 00:06:36,970 I'm skinny, and I'm small, and I'm gangly, and I'm awkward. 181 00:06:36,970 --> 00:06:41,390 And I'm super book smart, and I do really well in school. 182 00:06:41,390 --> 00:06:42,930 But that's it. 183 00:06:42,930 --> 00:06:45,430 You know, my parents felt real bad for me 184 00:06:45,430 --> 00:06:48,170 because my brother was this like great athlete. 185 00:06:48,170 --> 00:06:50,870 They would get me involved with sports. 186 00:06:50,870 --> 00:06:55,310 So I was in a, I was doing transition meetings last week. 187 00:06:55,310 --> 00:06:57,690 Like my job is busy during May. 188 00:06:57,690 --> 00:06:58,990 So we do transmission meetings. 189 00:06:58,990 --> 00:07:00,950 I'm a special education teacher. 190 00:07:00,950 --> 00:07:02,610 And what transition meetings is this. 191 00:07:02,610 --> 00:07:04,190 I have a meeting at the high school 192 00:07:04,190 --> 00:07:05,510 with my parents and my kid. 193 00:07:05,510 --> 00:07:07,570 And I say, OK, now they're yours. 194 00:07:07,570 --> 00:07:08,990 That's really what it is. 195 00:07:08,990 --> 00:07:11,450 And I sign all the paperwork, and make sure 196 00:07:11,450 --> 00:07:13,170 it like communicates really. 197 00:07:13,170 --> 00:07:15,490 But it's just like, hey, I'm handing this off to you. 198 00:07:15,490 --> 00:07:17,330 This is the kid, blah, blah, blah. 199 00:07:17,330 --> 00:07:18,110 But the special education teacher, I'm like, hey, I'm like, 200 00:07:18,110 --> 00:07:20,070 I'm a special ed teacher at the high school, 201 00:07:20,070 --> 00:07:21,690 is a wrestling coach. 202 00:07:21,690 --> 00:07:24,410 And every time I have a transition meeting, 203 00:07:24,410 --> 00:07:27,330 he tries to like co-opt the student into his wrestling team. 204 00:07:27,330 --> 00:07:28,330 That's like what he does. 205 00:07:28,330 --> 00:07:30,350 But my parents got me into wrestling 206 00:07:30,350 --> 00:07:32,730 when I was like seven or eight. 207 00:07:32,730 --> 00:07:34,390 And I was, my mom tells me a story. 208 00:07:34,390 --> 00:07:35,870 I didn't know it then, but mom tells me a story. 209 00:07:35,870 --> 00:07:38,090 Like I was so skinny, they couldn't find a uniform 210 00:07:38,090 --> 00:07:38,910 to fit me. 211 00:07:38,910 --> 00:07:41,610 So I had like this, like loose, gangly, 212 00:07:41,610 --> 00:07:44,390 like the smallest uniform that, and you know, 213 00:07:44,390 --> 00:07:45,730 dude, that was me. 214 00:07:45,730 --> 00:07:45,910 Like, I want to be the wrestler, but I got like, oh, I'm like, 215 00:07:45,910 --> 00:07:47,710 I want to be the wrestler, 216 00:07:47,710 --> 00:07:50,430 but I got like the wrestling uniform falling off me 217 00:07:50,430 --> 00:07:51,770 because I want to be like my brother. 218 00:07:51,770 --> 00:07:55,570 And they put me in soccer, but I've, I got two left feet, man. 219 00:07:55,570 --> 00:07:58,110 And neither one of them know how to kick a soccer ball. 220 00:07:58,110 --> 00:07:59,490 And here's the thing. 221 00:07:59,490 --> 00:08:01,890 My T-ball team was tops. 222 00:08:01,890 --> 00:08:05,390 My T-ball team went undefeated two straight years, dude. 223 00:08:05,390 --> 00:08:06,870 We were awesome. 224 00:08:06,870 --> 00:08:11,470 And that is like the highlight of my sports career. 225 00:08:11,470 --> 00:08:14,430 But I was, I was good at school. 226 00:08:14,430 --> 00:08:17,250 I was, I had a really high IQ. 227 00:08:17,250 --> 00:08:18,830 I have a really high IQ. 228 00:08:18,830 --> 00:08:25,010 Hey, it's a scientific fact. 229 00:08:25,010 --> 00:08:29,330 Y'all argue with the assessors, man, because that's legit. 230 00:08:29,330 --> 00:08:34,230 I got high IQ and really low social skills. 231 00:08:34,230 --> 00:08:38,750 I also am dyslexic, which means like I'm super smart, 232 00:08:38,750 --> 00:08:39,910 but I read weird. 233 00:08:39,910 --> 00:08:41,710 I read fine, but I read weird. 234 00:08:41,710 --> 00:08:43,430 And I write even weirder, man. 235 00:08:43,430 --> 00:08:44,190 And I'd make my numbers a number. 236 00:08:44,190 --> 00:08:51,270 numbers backwards and my letters backwards. So I was in all the honors top classes, but I always 237 00:08:51,270 --> 00:08:56,950 went to like the special resource class to deal with all my like weird stuff, man. And I would go 238 00:08:56,950 --> 00:09:01,890 to therapy with the school psychologist. I mean, basically I was like an IEP kid, which is, I was 239 00:09:01,890 --> 00:09:08,390 like in all the like honors classes, man. But I was like really good at remembering facts and reading 240 00:09:08,390 --> 00:09:13,930 and writing and all that stuff. Like the skill sets were smooth. And that made my parents happy 241 00:09:13,930 --> 00:09:19,130 because, you know, I was growing up in the 80s and it was all about going to college. You know, 242 00:09:19,130 --> 00:09:26,050 my parents didn't go to college. My brother wasn't going to go to college. And they knew like I could 243 00:09:26,050 --> 00:09:30,950 do something with my life if I went to college. They forgot to mention like go to college and 244 00:09:30,950 --> 00:09:36,850 like apply yourself. But they knew like that was the key. Go to college, man. And so I lived in 245 00:09:36,850 --> 00:09:41,470 Tacoma, Washington, and I went to elementary school. I repeated first grade twice, which is 246 00:09:41,470 --> 00:09:43,570 pretty awkward, except for like my. 247 00:09:43,930 --> 00:09:48,670 The first first grade class that I was with was also in my second grade class or their second grade 248 00:09:48,670 --> 00:09:52,310 class in my second year of first grade. So I still have all my friends. But it was weird. So I was 249 00:09:52,310 --> 00:09:57,430 like the smallest kid. So when I moved to Texas in 1980, I was the smallest kid, but I was the 250 00:09:57,430 --> 00:10:02,510 oldest kid, too. So it was always really weird. And by that time, my brother was a teenager and 251 00:10:02,510 --> 00:10:08,050 like full blown punk teenager. And he would fight and he would get in trouble in school. And my mom 252 00:10:08,050 --> 00:10:12,830 and him would tussle and argue all the time. And he would drink and he would have girls over. And 253 00:10:12,830 --> 00:10:13,910 man, I wanted to be my brother. And I was like, I'm going to go to college. I'm going to go to 254 00:10:13,930 --> 00:10:19,470 college. I'm going to be my brother. And but he bucked heads. And I learned like I knew it like 255 00:10:19,470 --> 00:10:25,390 like do well in school. Be polite. Stay out of like the obvious trouble and don't butt heads like 256 00:10:25,390 --> 00:10:30,730 I got real good at lying and saying, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then like when you stop, like you stop 257 00:10:30,730 --> 00:10:33,970 paying attention. I'm going to do what I want anyway. You just want to hear me say, yeah, yeah, 258 00:10:33,990 --> 00:10:37,290 yeah. I'll tell you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why should I tell you? No, no, no. When I could just do what 259 00:10:37,290 --> 00:10:41,070 I want after I say, yeah, yeah, yeah. And you don't really care, man. So I became really good 260 00:10:43,930 --> 00:10:50,650 and all that kind of stuff. And and it worked for me. So middle school is when I discovered the 261 00:10:50,650 --> 00:10:56,390 magic of alcohol. It's not the effects, but I wanted to be cool, man. That's what I wanted to 262 00:10:56,390 --> 00:11:03,490 be. And I was not cool. I was weird. I was awkward. I was strange. And I could always fit in as like 263 00:11:03,490 --> 00:11:07,210 your little brother. Like people liked me like that. Like I could always play the little brother 264 00:11:07,210 --> 00:11:13,030 role. I instinctually knew how to do that. So I was always well liked, but I just wasn't cool, 265 00:11:13,030 --> 00:11:13,270 man. 266 00:11:13,930 --> 00:11:17,990 Be cool like my brother. And so my parents did not drink much. But for some reason, 267 00:11:18,050 --> 00:11:23,710 at one point in time, I got a hold of one of those airline bottles. And I wasn't really I 268 00:11:23,710 --> 00:11:27,910 didn't really know during like it's like drinking the taste bad. And I tasted it wasn't tasting 269 00:11:27,910 --> 00:11:32,250 good. So I poured a lot, most of it out. But I put like a lot of lemonade in there. It smelled 270 00:11:32,250 --> 00:11:38,410 like alcohol. And when I brought it to school and I showed my friends like the bottle, all of a 271 00:11:38,410 --> 00:11:43,750 sudden, I wasn't just like the awkward kid you could cheat off of on tests. I was like I was 272 00:11:43,750 --> 00:11:48,550 the kid who brought a bottle of alcohol to school in middle school. And I got kind of a reputation of 273 00:11:48,550 --> 00:11:52,870 having like, oh, like, like Jerry, he's Yeah, he's a he'll bring he brings bottles, man, like he's 274 00:11:52,870 --> 00:11:56,530 gotten and they would take little polls from this little airline bottles really funny, man. We were 275 00:11:56,710 --> 00:12:01,810 we were awkward, dude. And then but they take little polls of it, we get sneaky. But it made me 276 00:12:01,810 --> 00:12:06,870 cool. Like his first time I ever felt cool. Summer, I think ninth grade is probably when I like 277 00:12:06,870 --> 00:12:12,070 discovered the magical effects of alcohol. And I don't know, I don't know, remember my first drink? 278 00:12:12,070 --> 00:12:12,630 I really don't. 279 00:12:12,790 --> 00:12:13,450 I remember the 280 00:12:13,450 --> 00:12:19,090 series of drinkings. And I remember this, like it was like Strawberry Hills, Boone's Farms, 281 00:12:19,090 --> 00:12:26,770 delicious. And it was Mad Dog 2020, which is not delicious, but did the job. And the wine coolers, 282 00:12:26,770 --> 00:12:31,570 man, Bartels and James, man, that was tasty stuff, dude. Because I don't like the taste alcohol, 283 00:12:31,570 --> 00:12:36,070 like the strong alcohol and the beer, I don't like the taste of it. And I want things to taste good. 284 00:12:36,070 --> 00:12:42,830 So you know, stuff tasted pretty good. And I discovered the effects. And the fact was, man, it 285 00:12:42,830 --> 00:12:48,950 just calmed me down, it just shifted my perspective, it gave me a sense of ease and comfort with the 286 00:12:48,950 --> 00:12:54,110 first drink. And man, I felt good. And I don't know, I don't know how I knew how to just drink and 287 00:12:54,110 --> 00:12:58,470 drink and drink. I was given like I drink and drink and drink, and then I throw up and throw up 288 00:12:58,470 --> 00:13:03,410 and throw up. And that's kind of, that was like my first remembrances of drinking and, and in high 289 00:13:03,410 --> 00:13:08,110 school, that's kind of then became and I grew my hair out really long. And I was really adorable. 290 00:13:08,110 --> 00:13:08,230 And I didn't know how adorable I was. But I was really cute with really long hair. And I had a lot of friends I really loved. 291 00:13:08,230 --> 00:13:37,130 I didn't know how adorable I was but I was really cute with really long hair and I had lots of other really cute adorable long hair friends and we were all into Poison and Motley Crue and you know if you liked Metallica or Megadeth like we didn't like you and they didn't like us and it was great because I had my own little gang of like a really cute puffy haired boys against like the non-puffy haired boys and you know and the fact is like the puffy haired cute girls tended to like the puffy haired cute boys and the not puffy haired cute boys wasn't my experience man. 292 00:13:37,130 --> 00:14:06,950 And you know we would learn to drink but even though we had the puffy cute hair those puffy cute drinks didn't really like go with the mystique of being a Texas drinker. You know we still had our Texas in us so you know our older friends would indulge us for a while and buy us like the Boone's Farms and the Mad Dog 2020 and the wine coolers and what not but eventually you gotta learn how to drink like a man in Texas and drinking like a man in Texas means you learn how to drink beer and you learn how to drink whiskey. 293 00:14:07,130 --> 00:14:37,110 And you learn how to drink tequila and I learned how to drink beer whiskey and tequila and I learned that the taste didn't really matter once you got a little bit in you man it was good it didn't matter the taste and when you threw it up it didn't taste as like syrupy which was kind of nice and so I learned how to drink like a Texan and my parents wanted me to go to college because that was my drill that was my thing I was good at school I don't mind doing things that come easy to me and I don't want to work hard they had this vision I was going to be a scientist who would cure cancer. 294 00:14:37,130 --> 00:14:57,730 And I wanted to be a poet you know man and my parents were disappointed at my artsy side they wanted my scientific side to be the driver because they figured that's where you can make money and you know pay poets very well and I wanted to be a poet and I wanted to be a rock star and I wanted to do all that stuff but I don't want to work at any of that stuff so I'm going to go to college because it's easy. 295 00:14:57,730 --> 00:15:07,110 And you know so I just I'm a weekend warrior at this time I know how to be responsible I know how to do my schoolwork and get good grades I know how to go to a gym. 296 00:15:07,130 --> 00:15:37,110 I know how to do my job and work and you know do that and then on the weekends I want to go and get drunk and I felt like so long as I was doing my responsibilities I was entitled to act the fool on the weekends and I love drinking and I started playing in bands at some point in time and I had all these we were just this we were on the new bronze falls river one time and we were drinking and I passed out as will happen when you're drinking on the river and I wake up I'm like oh my god I'm going to go to college. 297 00:15:37,130 --> 00:16:07,110 And I was like yo have you seen my friends and they're like you mean the Adams family yeah man they're up a row dude and that was my group of friends man we were just all misfit oddball weirdos freaks and we were comfortable and happy with that because we were cute oddball adorable we're cute oddball weird freaks man so I we were having a good time. 298 00:16:07,130 --> 00:16:36,640 Being weird oddball artsy bohemian freaks and we found our people and we lived that lifestyle and I was a weekend warrior about that time and I started discovering that I was an embarrassing oddball weirdo bohemian poet drunk I'm a puker I will puke every single time I drink and then on a good night I'll drink again and then puke some more. 299 00:16:37,200 --> 00:17:01,040 That's a good night I like puking then drinking more after I puke that's a good night and the problem with that is I don't always puke where I'm supposed to puke you know you're supposed to puke either outside the moving car or in the toilet and sometimes I would hit my mark and sometimes I would miss my mark and my puke could splatter on anybody at any time. 300 00:17:01,040 --> 00:17:07,160 I also I'm very clever and so I like to run my mouth. 301 00:17:07,320 --> 00:17:37,300 And I'm as you have already heard I'm not particularly macho so I can't really back up my mouth so I can run away or I can hide behind my friends or I can grovel and that's you know that's embarrassing and you know man I got no boundaries I barely got any boundaries now man y'all know me I barely got any boundaries now you remove my inhibitions I got no boundaries so I touch people all over the place and you know man I'm just I'm just I'm just a person. 302 00:17:37,320 --> 00:18:06,360 Pig and it's embarrassing and really and you know that whole eighth grade dance motif of the evening comes back because the key to my existence and one of the reasons why I like alcohol so much is that it erases embarrassment in the sense that I don't feel that social awkwardness anymore and that's my goal my entire goal through most of my life is just to not be in the midst of that middle school embarrassment. 303 00:18:07,320 --> 00:18:37,300 And you know alcohol can remove that for a while but then I start to remember the embarrassing things I did to avoid that feeling of embarrassment so I decide I'm going to control my drinking I had never seen anybody control their drinking before it wasn't something that I was accustomed to so I go out and I have a couple drinks and it's miserable I don't like it at this point in time I'm I'm pretty bitter I'm starting to get angry for the first time I wasn't an angry kid but I'm getting angry I'm getting really resentful and I'm getting really angry. 304 00:18:37,320 --> 00:19:07,300 I got a short fuse when I stopped drinking all that's so much worse I am so much more restless irritable and discontented after I stopped drinking then before I started drinking and to me that's like the key to my alcoholism when I try to stop my drinking all those problems just come back at me like a tidal wave of emotions and I just hate that feeling and the only way I can get rid of that feeling is to give myself a 305 00:19:07,320 --> 00:19:37,300 find an excuse to drink because that's the worst feeling in the world for me like existence and being normal and trying to get through the embarrassment of life is painful in its own right give me a couple drinks and stop it and then try to get me to go through those painful embarrassing awkward life moments it's way too difficult for me to deal with I can't do it and so I got a drink it's the only way I can shut off my head and you know it's kind of cute when you're in your early 20s and you work for the YMCA 306 00:19:37,320 --> 00:20:07,300 and you're bartending and you're playing in your band and all that stuff you know when you start to get in your upper 20s and especially with like all that like you know I was supposed to do something important and you know my idea of college was to take a lot of classes and do okay with them but I wanted to stretch it out and I did I went through classes for like six years and I had I was two classes shy of graduating and I do what any 307 00:20:07,320 --> 00:20:37,300 good alcoholic who is afraid of reality would do in that situation which is I stopped going to school if I finish college I get to deal with that real world I don't want to do that and at the same time I'm starting to feel older and that pressure of like I need to kind of be successful I wanted to be amazing like I want to do all these great amazing things and be a rock star and a poet and an artist and a philosopher and do all those amazing things I'm just way too in fear to try to do anything I'm way too lazy 308 00:20:37,320 --> 00:21:06,360 to work on anything so I'm not doing anything that's worthwhile and this guttural kind of mediocre existence wasn't working for me so I was hanging out in a bar with my friend Joe Joe I've known since second grade when I first moved to Texas Joe is awesome I'm hanging out in a bar with Joe and he says I'm sick of Texas what about you and I'm like yeah I'm sick of Texas he's like let's go to Florida and I'm like why Florida it's like I can surf there I'm like yeah let's go to Florida 309 00:21:07,320 --> 00:21:37,240 we had these plans to go to Florida and then my other buddy Sean who I've also known since I moved to Texas in second grade he came to Los Angeles and he was like I would never live in Los Angeles earthquakes scared me I'm gonna do it he visited and he's like dude I'm moving to Los Angeles and I looked at Joe and I'm like do you care and he's like no so we decided to move to Los Angeles and then like a truckload of us kind of convoy our way to from Texas into Los Angeles and we 310 00:21:37,320 --> 00:22:07,280 all come here to conquer the world I'm the only one still left and I ain't conquered squat by the way so we got here and it was cool and it was fun but I knew early on that it wasn't the solution I know I'm a mess I know I'm awkward and I do bizarre things when I drink and I do embarrassing things when I drink and I got all kinds of issues but I'm a bright guy with a college degree I did get my 311 00:22:07,320 --> 00:22:36,960 college degree by the way I went back you know this is an alcoholic move I went back and I went to the office like right before I moved my parents were like you can go to Los Angeles is that my mom you go to Los Angeles that's fine but got to get the degree you need to classes and I went to the the office and they're like dude you're done like all you got to do is pay the fee and file and you have a degree I'm like okay sweet which works for me because then I don't got to do any extra work so anyway I got my 312 00:22:37,320 --> 00:22:43,140 like I'm a bright dude with a degree who people seem to like who even though I'm incredibly weird 313 00:22:43,140 --> 00:22:49,320 and awkward and gangly and just nervous and and uptight can seem to get along in the world just 314 00:22:49,320 --> 00:22:55,320 fine and I figured you know man I'm gonna like put all the problems aside and I'll stop the drinking 315 00:22:55,320 --> 00:22:59,840 and these things that kind of work for me are gonna work for me internally because that was a 316 00:22:59,840 --> 00:23:06,060 problem like all that external stuff just didn't work for me internally so I didn't know that that 317 00:23:06,060 --> 00:23:11,840 wasn't gonna work that all that out stuff would stop outside stuff wasn't gonna work for me until 318 00:23:11,840 --> 00:23:19,580 I moved to Los Angeles so when I got here I knew the only thing that fixed me on the inside was 319 00:23:19,580 --> 00:23:25,180 alcohol and I had I found a girl who I took hostage and she was smart and she was pretty 320 00:23:25,180 --> 00:23:30,500 and she was artistic and everybody liked her and she was really nice and sweet she didn't drink it 321 00:23:30,500 --> 00:23:35,840 was weird I had my friends who were still just as cool as they'd always been and I was playing 322 00:23:35,840 --> 00:23:36,040 in a room and I was like how's everybody doing? I was like how's everybody doing? I was like how's 323 00:23:36,040 --> 00:23:36,060 everybody doing? I was like how's everybody doing? I was like how's everybody doing? I was like how's 324 00:23:36,060 --> 00:23:43,320 band, and I was working a job. And everything on the outside from anybody's point of view should be 325 00:23:43,320 --> 00:23:48,360 good. And I am miserable on the inside. I don't like it. So I know alcohol is the only thing 326 00:23:48,360 --> 00:23:54,520 that's working for me, but I know alcohol is not working for me. And if you know what that means, 327 00:23:54,560 --> 00:23:59,960 you're probably in the right rooms. So my girlfriend who was a normie starts to change 328 00:23:59,960 --> 00:24:04,220 my drinking in the sense that I start to hide my drinking a little bit more. I never hid my 329 00:24:04,220 --> 00:24:07,080 drinking before. I was always like, you don't like the way I drink, who cares? Like, shut up, 330 00:24:07,100 --> 00:24:11,440 go away. But at this point in time, it was like, I was trying to like, she would come over from 331 00:24:11,440 --> 00:24:16,700 her work or whatever. And I was trying to drink as much as I could drink before she got there. 332 00:24:16,700 --> 00:24:23,100 So she wouldn't know how much I drank. And that was getting weird. And she would look at me 333 00:24:23,100 --> 00:24:29,120 when I would get in these moods and I get in these moods. And when I drink, I really get in 334 00:24:29,120 --> 00:24:34,200 these moods. And she would look at me when I'm in these moods. And like, she had that, 335 00:24:34,200 --> 00:24:34,220 you know, she had that, you know, she had that, you know, she had that, you know, she had that, 336 00:24:34,220 --> 00:24:39,500 that pity. And I hate that pity look, man. I don't like it when you look at me and you feel 337 00:24:39,500 --> 00:24:44,420 sorry for me. Don't feel sorry for me. And she would look at me and she would feel sorry for me. 338 00:24:44,760 --> 00:24:49,020 And I knew she, uh, she loved me and she didn't want me to continue to hurt myself and hate 339 00:24:49,020 --> 00:24:54,680 myself. And, uh, so I start my second attempt to control and enjoy my drinking. Cause I know 340 00:24:54,680 --> 00:24:59,040 I can't have a couple of drinks. It doesn't work for me. But I remember like those new bronze 341 00:24:59,040 --> 00:25:04,200 full days when I was like a weekend warrior and I'd go out for spring break and the week 342 00:25:04,200 --> 00:25:10,160 I have it together and I didn't have it together. I was miserable, angry, uptight, isolated, 343 00:25:10,460 --> 00:25:16,440 antisocial when I didn't drink, but I felt like that was having it together. So I decided I'm just 344 00:25:16,440 --> 00:25:20,960 going to drink on the weekends. And when I do that for the first night, it's great. It's magical. 345 00:25:21,200 --> 00:25:28,060 All the stars align. It is incredibly beautiful. It was like it used to be. And that's a powerful 346 00:25:28,060 --> 00:25:34,120 feeling for an alcoholic. Cause that deludes me into thinking I can do this again. And I go out 347 00:25:34,120 --> 00:25:41,180 for the next weekend and I embarrass myself a little bit, but not so much that I regret drinking, 348 00:25:41,300 --> 00:25:45,220 you know, just a little bit of, I just did too much. And then like at this point in time, 349 00:25:45,220 --> 00:25:49,500 like when I drink, I drink all the time. I drink during the week. I drink on the weekends. I don't 350 00:25:49,500 --> 00:25:55,760 drink at work very much, but I'm constantly hung over or drunk from the night before. And I'm 351 00:25:55,760 --> 00:26:00,260 working. I'm working for the first time. I have a full-time job. I don't like, I don't like working 352 00:26:00,260 --> 00:26:04,100 a full-time job. I'm working with emotionally disturbed adults. I'm working with a lot of 353 00:26:04,100 --> 00:26:09,740 adolescents at a non-public school. And if you do a job like that and you have to work like real 354 00:26:09,740 --> 00:26:14,180 hours, you deserve to drink. And so what happens is I find myself kind of just back in the same 355 00:26:14,180 --> 00:26:19,200 situation. And I deluded myself into thinking I could do it again and I couldn't do it again. 356 00:26:19,300 --> 00:26:25,860 And so fast forward, like, I don't know, three years. And my buddy, Joe, who's my roommate is, 357 00:26:25,860 --> 00:26:30,440 he doesn't work on Mondays because of his job. And he doesn't work on Sundays or Mondays. I don't 358 00:26:30,440 --> 00:26:34,080 work Saturdays and Sundays, but I always sandbag sick days. I'm really good at that. I'm really good 359 00:26:34,100 --> 00:26:38,820 at that. I want to be able to take off days for me. I want to have my me days and I won't take them 360 00:26:38,820 --> 00:26:45,020 off when I'm sick. I'll show up and get you sick, but I want to sandbag my me days. So I'm going to 361 00:26:45,020 --> 00:26:49,480 take off a day. Joe and I got a plan and we've talked about going deep sea fishing. We've been 362 00:26:49,480 --> 00:26:54,940 talking about it for a while and we're going to go out and do it. And yeah, it means getting up 363 00:26:54,940 --> 00:26:59,260 early on Monday, but I get up early on Mondays anyway. Dude, no problem. We're going to do this. 364 00:26:59,320 --> 00:27:02,740 It's going to be great, but we're going to drink on Sunday because that's what we do. We drink on 365 00:27:02,740 --> 00:27:04,080 Sunday, but now I don't have to get up early on Mondays. I'm going to get up early on Mondays. 366 00:27:04,100 --> 00:27:06,420 I'm going to get up and go to work. I'm just going to get up and go fishing, which means I'm 367 00:27:06,420 --> 00:27:10,740 going to drink some more. So I'm drinking, man, and I am drinking heavy and I'm drinking as much 368 00:27:10,740 --> 00:27:15,880 alcohol as I can get my hands on. And it's not like I'm intentionally just trying to like 369 00:27:15,880 --> 00:27:21,480 bamboozle the alcohol down. It's just what I do. The problem is as I'm drinking and drinking and 370 00:27:21,480 --> 00:27:26,560 drinking, I'm not slowing down. I'm keep going. And you guys know when I get that energy and that 371 00:27:26,560 --> 00:27:33,840 agitation and that nervousness, I mean, I got all that going full energy and my brain is going a 372 00:27:33,840 --> 00:27:34,080 million. 373 00:27:34,100 --> 00:27:41,460 Miles an hour. And I am way tightly wound at this juncture in time. And I have no idea what I'm 374 00:27:41,460 --> 00:27:46,940 supposed to do to direct this energy. And so I do what I do best, man. I take it out on the people 375 00:27:46,940 --> 00:27:51,280 who care about me. I want to make them feel miserable, too, because I don't want to sit 376 00:27:51,280 --> 00:27:56,820 alone in my my misery. Misery loves company. So I'm trying to make them uncomfortable. And I 377 00:27:56,820 --> 00:28:00,220 really think I'm just trying to get them to leave me alone because I figure if I could get them to 378 00:28:00,220 --> 00:28:03,840 leave me alone, I could take this energy and and bundle in a direction where I could get them to 379 00:28:03,840 --> 00:28:09,560 where I can kind of contain it. And so but they're not leaving me alone. So, you know, we're on the 380 00:28:09,560 --> 00:28:14,180 we live on the first floor, like, you know, and it's the first floor, L.A. So, you know, it's like, 381 00:28:14,360 --> 00:28:18,040 you know, over the garage and I'm like, I'm threatening to jump off and I'm being super 382 00:28:18,040 --> 00:28:24,860 melodramatic as I like to do. And I'm trying to break bottles against the wall as I like to do. 383 00:28:24,900 --> 00:28:29,860 But I'm not macho enough to actually break the bottle. So I'm actually just damaging the wall 384 00:28:29,860 --> 00:28:33,820 and the bottle is just bouncing off. But the pain is flaking off. 385 00:28:33,840 --> 00:28:40,320 And my roommate, Joe, walks in on me and my girlfriend's in the room and he walks in on me 386 00:28:40,320 --> 00:28:47,820 because apparently I'm being abnormally obnoxious so that he needs to investigate it. And I'm there 387 00:28:47,820 --> 00:28:56,000 with a bottle stark naked, just yelling weird stuff. And he does the smart thing, which is walk 388 00:28:56,000 --> 00:29:01,820 out of the room. And my girlfriend does the smart thing, which is she also walks out of the room 389 00:29:01,820 --> 00:29:03,360 and she left. 390 00:29:03,840 --> 00:29:12,880 And I passed out. And I woke up at 1 or 2 and we didn't go fishing. And I got up and I shook the 391 00:29:12,880 --> 00:29:21,000 day off and I sat on the couch and my buddy Joe was there and he was like, dude, like, you were 392 00:29:21,000 --> 00:29:26,420 crazy last night. I'm like, yeah, dude, I know. I'm going to move back to Texas. And he walks 393 00:29:26,420 --> 00:29:31,860 away from me, man. He is disgusted and I know he's disgusted. And this is the guy, man, I have 394 00:29:31,860 --> 00:29:33,780 I've thrown beer on people. 395 00:29:33,840 --> 00:29:39,660 And he's calmed down. This guy can fight and talk his way out of situations. And he always makes 396 00:29:39,660 --> 00:29:44,560 sure I'm protected. And, you know, he always has my back and always talks his way out of 397 00:29:44,560 --> 00:29:49,780 situations or makes sure I don't have to get beaten up. And, you know, when I touch people 398 00:29:49,780 --> 00:29:55,080 where I ain't supposed to make sure like I get shuffled out, you know, he has seen me at my 399 00:29:55,080 --> 00:30:02,720 worst and pathetic. And like he was disgusted with me. And as I've said many times before, 400 00:30:02,720 --> 00:30:03,720 I didn't reveal him. 401 00:30:03,840 --> 00:30:20,420 I was like, I'm going to go back to Texas and drink myself to death. And that was my thoughts as I'm sitting on that couch is why am I suffering here in Los Angeles when I can suffer in Texas and drink and live more cheaply, rent cheap and beer is cheap in Texas. 402 00:30:20,420 --> 00:30:33,480 If I'm going to do this, why spend all this money, man? My girlfriend at the time, her roommate was an Alcoholics Anonymous. And I don't know, six months earlier. Who knows? 403 00:30:33,840 --> 00:30:40,900 He had come and talked to me. It was when I was like, I had been obnoxious again. I said, I'm going to stop 404 00:30:40,900 --> 00:30:48,840 drinking. And I was sincere. I meant it. I was going to stop drinking. And he came and talked to 405 00:30:48,840 --> 00:30:55,480 me and he shared his story. And I identified with him, man, because I knew what he felt like. And he 406 00:30:55,480 --> 00:31:00,300 was talking about because he was a comedian and he was an actor. And he was he was talking about the 407 00:31:00,300 --> 00:31:03,800 time that he was auditioning for Saturday Night Live. And they invited him to, 408 00:31:03,840 --> 00:31:10,260 the party. But he was too scared to go because he was awkward and nervous. And I identified with 409 00:31:10,260 --> 00:31:15,540 that feeling. I knew what that felt like. I didn't tell him. I sat there and I listened and he left 410 00:31:15,540 --> 00:31:20,700 and I thanked him, I'm sure. But I remembered what he said to me. And I knew this about me, 411 00:31:20,700 --> 00:31:27,780 is at this point in time, I'm a shell of a human being. I have nothing going on for me. I feel 412 00:31:27,780 --> 00:31:33,540 completely hollow and empty. But I have this girlfriend who is pretty and smart. 413 00:31:33,840 --> 00:31:40,680 Talented, artistic, and people like her. And I want her to continue to validate me. And so I talk 414 00:31:40,680 --> 00:31:46,500 my way into situations and I rope her back. And I knew the only card I had left was the AA card. And 415 00:31:46,500 --> 00:31:51,360 I didn't play the AA card because I wanted to come to AA and get sober. I played the AA card because 416 00:31:51,360 --> 00:31:57,000 I wanted to yo-yo her back for as long as she would stay back. So she says, cool, call central 417 00:31:57,000 --> 00:32:02,220 office and find a meeting for tomorrow. And I did it, which was bizarre behavior for me. Because 418 00:32:02,220 --> 00:32:03,780 what I do in that situation, because 419 00:32:03,840 --> 00:32:10,140 it's awkward and it's uncomfortable and it's a situation I'm not used to being in. I don't know 420 00:32:10,140 --> 00:32:14,880 how to call central office and ask for a meeting. I shine that off. I'll do that later. I'll do it 421 00:32:14,880 --> 00:32:20,460 tomorrow. Promise. And I did it. And I called central office and they said there was a men's 422 00:32:20,460 --> 00:32:26,640 stag on like Sherman Way and Louise. And I'm like, thanks, but no thanks. And they're like, 423 00:32:26,640 --> 00:32:33,420 there's a non-men's stag on Sherman Way and Louise at seven o'clock on a Wednesday. Show up 424 00:32:33,840 --> 00:32:41,220 early. And I showed up at 6 45. I don't show up early, but I showed up early in the central office 425 00:32:41,220 --> 00:32:48,540 lied to me. That meeting was a men's stag and it started at 7 30. And I walked in and there was 426 00:32:48,540 --> 00:32:54,360 Sean who a lot of you guys know, and there's David's Tennessee who a lot of you guys know was 427 00:32:54,360 --> 00:32:59,340 at this little coffee bar. We had a license session and they stuck up their hand and they 428 00:32:59,340 --> 00:33:03,420 said, welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous. And, uh, I said, cool. 429 00:33:03,840 --> 00:33:09,960 And the great Dave Hall said, welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous. Here's my card. You need a sponsor. And 430 00:33:09,960 --> 00:33:14,760 I'm like, what's a sponsor. And we'll sponsor somebody you call and you go to 90 meetings in 431 00:33:14,760 --> 00:33:18,060 90 days and you read the big book cover cover and you get committed to all the meetings and you call 432 00:33:18,060 --> 00:33:24,540 them every day and you do a lot. I'm like, dude, dude, dude, dude, I'm busy. I ain't got time for 433 00:33:24,540 --> 00:33:29,700 all that stuff, man. You are nuts. I thought he was crap. This was a craziest dude. Like, 434 00:33:29,700 --> 00:33:33,780 like this dude is way too. And like, he is, he's trying to sell me. 435 00:33:33,840 --> 00:33:40,740 Super AA. I don't even want to buy like the baseline basic package of AA like, 436 00:33:40,740 --> 00:33:47,940 um, but I'll look for that deal. And like, uh, oh man, like, uh, DJ, he came up, Danny Joe came up 437 00:33:47,940 --> 00:33:54,300 to me and sold me the same pitch. And I'm like, y'all are all nuts together. And I was like, thanks, 438 00:33:54,300 --> 00:34:01,140 but no, thanks, man. I sat around this table and at that Wednesday stag, you say how much time you 439 00:34:01,140 --> 00:34:03,660 got and you say you're an alcoholic. And I was like, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I 440 00:34:03,660 --> 00:34:03,820 don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't 441 00:34:03,840 --> 00:34:04,680 know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I got no problem saying 442 00:34:04,680 --> 00:34:07,920 I'm an alcoholic, I know I was an alcoholic. And I was like, I'm Jeremy Ancolic. I got two days. 443 00:34:07,920 --> 00:34:11,760 And there was somebody else there. It's the other bill. I think it was this crazy bill. He had four 444 00:34:11,760 --> 00:34:17,280 days. And that's not what impressed me in a bunch of dudes with like six, five, 10, 12 years. That 445 00:34:17,280 --> 00:34:25,440 didn't impress me. Um, Michael Princess, he had four months and that impressed me. I had gone 446 00:34:25,440 --> 00:34:31,800 sober two months before white knuckling it. So I knew I could do that, but it was my max. I'm like, 447 00:34:31,800 --> 00:34:33,660 if this dude can stay sober for 448 00:34:33,660 --> 00:34:39,360 four months. I might be able to do that too. And I identified by an alcoholic and then I left. 449 00:34:40,420 --> 00:34:45,420 Next day, Dwight asked, gave me the same pitch. And I'm like, you guys are just going to sell 450 00:34:45,420 --> 00:34:53,240 me the same Kool-Aid. And on Saturday, I walked up to the license session meeting at Saturday. 451 00:34:53,940 --> 00:34:58,760 And it wasn't like Wednesday and Thursday, which had like 20 people I can kind of deal with. 452 00:34:58,760 --> 00:35:04,780 There was like a hundred people there. And I am nervous, awkward, uncomfortable. And I'm in a 453 00:35:04,780 --> 00:35:09,280 situation I don't know how to deal with. And Dwight walked out to me and he said, hello. And before he 454 00:35:09,280 --> 00:35:13,960 could even say hello, I was like, will you be my sponsor? And I just needed him to be my sponsor 455 00:35:13,960 --> 00:35:21,040 to be able to walk into that room with all of these sober faces looking at me. And Dwight got 456 00:35:21,040 --> 00:35:26,900 me on the journey of Alcoholics Anonymous I've been on for the last 15 years. And I'm always 457 00:35:26,900 --> 00:35:28,580 grateful for what Dwight gave me. 458 00:35:28,760 --> 00:35:34,780 That didn't work. So I got Greg as a sponsor. And that's worked for the last 13 years. And 459 00:35:34,780 --> 00:35:41,780 we split off. And I've been here in quality of life ever since. And I usually run through the 460 00:35:41,780 --> 00:35:45,460 steps. So I'll talk about what my life is like today, because here's what my life is like today. 461 00:35:46,300 --> 00:35:52,540 It's, and my sponsor gets me, but it's better than I deserve. Because I think I deserve 462 00:35:53,760 --> 00:35:58,540 everything in the world to be giving to me at a moment's notice with zero effort. 463 00:35:58,960 --> 00:36:09,410 It's what I think I deserve. And what I always get is a crappy life. And you guys got me 464 00:36:09,410 --> 00:36:15,630 comfortable with being me, tamed the energy down somewhat, walked me through the steps of 465 00:36:15,630 --> 00:36:23,570 Alcoholics Anonymous, took an intellectual, philosophically-minded atheist, and taught 466 00:36:23,570 --> 00:36:28,970 him about a higher power that could work in his life. I'm a self-destructor. 467 00:36:29,210 --> 00:36:33,310 Until I got to Alcoholics Anonymous, every time somebody offered me a promotion at a job, 468 00:36:33,350 --> 00:36:38,410 and I've gotten offered promotions at a lot of jobs, I quit. I work at a place for three years, 469 00:36:38,410 --> 00:36:45,670 and I quit because I'm scared of responsibility, and I'm scared of growing. And you guys walked 470 00:36:45,670 --> 00:36:53,210 me through promotions, and changing jobs, and going back to school, and my first marriage, 471 00:36:53,350 --> 00:36:58,190 and now my second marriage, and the uncertainty. 472 00:36:59,210 --> 00:37:11,330 The awkwardness, the discomfort, the strangeness of life. I still feel like that little kid walking 473 00:37:11,330 --> 00:37:17,370 into the middle school dance, not knowing what circle I belong to, and not knowing how to be. 474 00:37:17,650 --> 00:37:21,690 I don't know how to do any of that stuff. I can go to the places I'm comfortable with, 475 00:37:21,690 --> 00:37:26,550 and fit where I'm supposed to know to fit. You guys taught me how to just walk into a situation, 476 00:37:26,890 --> 00:37:29,170 and if you stay long enough, you're going to get there. And if you don't, you're going to get there. 477 00:37:29,170 --> 00:37:29,190 And if you don't, you're going to get there. And if you don't, you're going to get there. 478 00:37:29,190 --> 00:37:29,310 And if you don't, you're going to get there. And if you don't, you're going to get there. 479 00:37:29,310 --> 00:37:33,750 And if you breathe long enough, it'll work out fine. And that's one of the greatest gifts, 480 00:37:33,870 --> 00:37:38,410 man. Acting better than I feel, which I don't like doing. Man, I want to tell you how I feel 481 00:37:38,410 --> 00:37:45,590 so that you can feel it, and I don't have to. And you guys call it suit up and show up. 482 00:37:45,750 --> 00:37:50,490 My feet have been trained. I go to Alcoholics Anonymous, and it's like, I wouldn't know what 483 00:37:50,490 --> 00:37:56,590 to do. I don't have these thoughts like, don't go to my meeting. You guys have trained me. 484 00:37:57,150 --> 00:37:59,070 You've operantly conditioned me. 485 00:37:59,070 --> 00:38:06,570 So thoroughly that I just go to my meetings. And I go to my meetings when I don't feel like 486 00:38:06,570 --> 00:38:09,650 I want to see you guys, which is a lot of the times. I go to my meetings when I 487 00:38:09,650 --> 00:38:15,230 want to see you guys, which is some of the times. And I do the same thing at work. I do the same 488 00:38:15,230 --> 00:38:20,850 thing in relationships. I do the same things with friendships. I do the same thing with my family. 489 00:38:20,850 --> 00:38:28,630 I do them all incredibly imperfectly, but I do them. And what I've gotten is this 490 00:38:28,630 --> 00:38:37,730 bizarre, normal life where I got a normal job and normal friends. And for me, a normal wife, 491 00:38:37,790 --> 00:38:44,230 and I'm not a rock star, and I'm not a famous writer, and I'm not this great philosophical 492 00:38:44,230 --> 00:38:50,670 mind, and I'm not doing interviews on the Oprah Winfrey show, except for sometimes in my head. 493 00:38:50,730 --> 00:38:53,830 Sometimes in my head, I'm still doing those interviews with Oprah Winfrey. It's pretty cool. 494 00:38:54,070 --> 00:38:56,810 I always come off great, by the way. Everybody loves me. 495 00:38:57,230 --> 00:38:58,450 But my life is... 496 00:38:58,630 --> 00:39:07,770 So normal. And at the same time, it's amazingly grand. I can walk into work and I can just feel 497 00:39:07,770 --> 00:39:14,510 this just grandness of this world and all the amazing things that come with it. And it's really 498 00:39:14,510 --> 00:39:19,530 beautiful and it's better than I deserve, man. Because what I deserve to be is trying to figure 499 00:39:19,530 --> 00:39:25,110 out how this puke got on me in some sort of gutter or really crappy one-bedroom apartment, man. 500 00:39:25,590 --> 00:39:28,610 And with that, I'd like to thank my sponsor, Quality of Life. 501 00:39:28,630 --> 00:39:32,410 As a whole, Oscar, thank you for sharing. And Bruce, I hope I didn't bore you too much.