1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:05,500 Good evening, my name is Norma and I'm an alcoholic. I'd like to thank Oscar for asking me here tonight. 2 00:00:05,500 --> 00:00:10,000 It is an honor and a privilege to be asked to speak at a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. 3 00:00:10,000 --> 00:00:17,000 I also want to thank the two 10-minute speakers. You guys were really good. I really enjoyed you. 4 00:00:17,000 --> 00:00:24,500 My sobriety date is March 27th of 1989 and I live in Long Beach. 5 00:00:24,500 --> 00:00:28,500 And I'd like to thank Soso for doing that long haul with me. 6 00:00:28,500 --> 00:00:33,500 You know, she's really great. I get to go in the carpool lane and we are road dogs. 7 00:00:33,500 --> 00:00:39,000 Everything I'm going to say here tonight is my opinion and my opinion only. 8 00:00:39,000 --> 00:00:44,000 I don't know if this is the way my life went down, but it's the way I see it. 9 00:00:44,000 --> 00:00:47,000 I want to welcome the new people to Alcoholics Anonymous. 10 00:00:47,000 --> 00:00:52,000 I want to let you know that it works, it works good, but it works slow, doesn't it? 11 00:00:52,000 --> 00:00:54,500 You can tell I'm a Mexican, right? 12 00:00:54,500 --> 00:00:58,500 And I'm of the Mexican variety that my family had part in. 13 00:00:58,500 --> 00:01:02,500 I got a job, I got a job, I got a job. 14 00:01:02,500 --> 00:01:14,180 I was a 15 00:01:14,180 --> 00:01:16,500 I was like, I'm going to launder. 16 00:01:16,500 --> 00:01:19,500 I'm not your super star. 17 00:01:19,500 --> 00:01:24,500 You know, I just want to let you know that I'm a huge fan of alcoholics. 18 00:01:24,500 --> 00:01:27,500 And I'm glad to be here today. 19 00:01:27,500 --> 00:01:36,000 I love that beer. I'd sneak in there and pump nothing but foam beer. I love keg foam beer. 20 00:01:36,800 --> 00:01:41,840 I was four years old and I'm loving it. When I was a kid, we used to live behind my grandmother's 21 00:01:41,840 --> 00:01:46,940 house. And when I was little, I used to sleep in a little walk-in closet. And I have an older 22 00:01:46,940 --> 00:01:51,140 sister and she used to get to sleep with my mother. And I never understood why I had to 23 00:01:51,140 --> 00:01:56,480 sleep in the closet. The truth of the matter is I wet the bed. That's why I didn't get to 24 00:01:56,480 --> 00:02:02,020 sleep with my mama. But I didn't know that then. You know, I was just a little kid. I was also a 25 00:02:02,020 --> 00:02:07,820 battered child. You know, my mom beat me a lot. But let me tell you what kind of kid I was. You 26 00:02:07,820 --> 00:02:13,580 know, they never let us have cookies or candy, only on special occasions because bad for your 27 00:02:13,580 --> 00:02:19,600 hair, bad for your teeth. And we lived behind my grandmother's house and she always had a two-pound 28 00:02:19,600 --> 00:02:26,080 box of See's candy in the refrigerator. So I'd sneak in there, look around, there's nobody there. 29 00:02:26,320 --> 00:02:26,460 And I'd sneak in there, look around, there's nobody there. And I'd sneak in there, look around, 30 00:02:26,460 --> 00:02:26,480 look around, there's nobody there. And I'd sneak in there, look around, there's nobody there. And I'd 31 00:02:26,480 --> 00:02:32,080 slam that chocolate in my face. And then my mom would show up and she'd say, Norma, did you eat 32 00:02:32,080 --> 00:02:37,900 that chocolate? No, I didn't. And she started giving me that rapid fire. I didn't eat it. I 33 00:02:37,900 --> 00:02:43,360 didn't eat it. I swear to God, I didn't. She got me by the arm, take me to the mirror and there'd 34 00:02:43,360 --> 00:02:49,180 be chocolate all over my face. And I don't know how it got there. Because you see, even at that 35 00:02:49,180 --> 00:02:56,340 young age, my head said, don't tell. Don't tell. If you tell the truth, it's going to be so much 36 00:02:56,340 --> 00:03:03,460 worse. I am so grateful that Dr. Silkworth said that my disease centers in my mind because I said 37 00:03:03,460 --> 00:03:08,780 don't tell. And I didn't tell. When I was eight years old, we moved from Mariloma. You could tell 38 00:03:08,780 --> 00:03:15,780 I'm a Chicana. I should be from Santa Ana, but I'm from Orange. We moved to Mariloma and those 39 00:03:15,780 --> 00:03:26,320 days Mariloma was cow and country land. I had my first three-day blackout drunk at eight. We had a 40 00:03:26,320 --> 00:03:32,160 you know, I don't know. I just know that this is how my three-day blackout went. Someplace in the 41 00:03:32,160 --> 00:03:39,660 nighttime, somebody said, put that kid to bed. And then the next thing I know, I came to on Sunday 42 00:03:39,660 --> 00:03:45,840 about one or two in the afternoon. I came to walking on the side of the house, hearing them 43 00:03:45,840 --> 00:03:53,260 inside talk about me, about how drunk I had gotten and who had given me so much. And that was the 44 00:03:53,260 --> 00:03:56,300 first time I felt shame and remorse. I knew that I was going to die. I knew that I was going to die. 45 00:03:56,320 --> 00:04:01,920 I knew I had done something wrong, but I didn't know how. I'm also recovering Catholic, if there's 46 00:04:01,920 --> 00:04:08,860 any Catholics in here. But when I went to school, I went to Catholic school for one year in my 47 00:04:08,860 --> 00:04:15,620 mother's blackout. My mother does not remember ever driving us there. She doesn't ever know that 48 00:04:15,620 --> 00:04:23,320 we even went there. I mean, she didn't even find out till maybe 20 years ago. But we went to 49 00:04:23,320 --> 00:04:26,060 Catholic school. The nuns always choked me a lot, 50 00:04:26,320 --> 00:04:31,100 paper in my mouth, my gum on my nose. And then they had these murals that God's going to strike 51 00:04:31,100 --> 00:04:36,820 you down if you broke those. Somebody help me. 11, 12, some commandments. If you broke those 52 00:04:36,820 --> 00:04:43,780 commandments, God was going to punish you. And I think the first one says, honor thy mother and 53 00:04:43,780 --> 00:04:49,720 thy father. Okay, she said 10. Okay. I thought, anyway, and I never told the truth. You see, 54 00:04:49,720 --> 00:04:55,440 they'd say, I never told the truth. I didn't know. My head said, don't tell. My mom'd say, 55 00:04:55,520 --> 00:04:56,300 Lorraine, Norman. 56 00:04:56,320 --> 00:05:01,860 Who did this? I never did it. I never thought about the consequences. You see, because my 57 00:05:01,860 --> 00:05:06,200 mother would start beating us both till somebody would fess up. You know, I never thought about 58 00:05:06,200 --> 00:05:11,480 the consequences of my mom, my sister getting a beating behind my lies. I never thought about 59 00:05:11,480 --> 00:05:16,960 the consequences that my mom's hearing my mom swing the belt and me screaming and my sister, 60 00:05:16,960 --> 00:05:21,820 where is she going to handle this, this noise? I never thought about the consequences of my 61 00:05:21,820 --> 00:05:26,240 behavior. My mother got sober in Alcoholics Anonymous when I was 10 and she moved us to 62 00:05:26,320 --> 00:05:34,440 Pomona. Back in the day, the girls ratted up their hair, wore tight skirts in the fifth grade, 63 00:05:34,440 --> 00:05:40,600 okay? And every day after school, they'd wait for us to give us our initiation and I'd cry to the 64 00:05:40,600 --> 00:05:46,180 teacher, they're going to beat me up. I mean, I just came from country bunking land and then I 65 00:05:46,180 --> 00:05:52,860 come over to Cholla-ville, you know, and I never felt like a Mexican. I mean, my mother was an 66 00:05:52,860 --> 00:05:55,520 alcoholic. She didn't cook. I was raised on Popeye's. I was raised on Popeye's. I was raised on 67 00:05:55,520 --> 00:05:55,660 Popeye's. I was raised on Popeye's. I was raised on Popeye's. I was raised on Popeye's. I was raised on 68 00:05:55,660 --> 00:06:04,420 Popeye's. I was raised on Popeye's. I was raised on Popeye's. I was raised on Pop-Pie's TV dinners and 69 00:06:04,420 --> 00:06:08,280 Bologna sandwiches. I never felt Mexican enough. All the Mexican girls had burritos and I didn't 70 00:06:08,280 --> 00:06:10,480 have a burrito and I didn't speak Spanish then . So I never felt like I belonged. 71 00:06:10,480 --> 00:06:18,960 My mother was a great AA-er. She went to meetings every single day. From 7 30 to 10 o'clock, 72 00:06:18,960 --> 00:06:24,860 Mama was at the meetings. From 7 30 to 9 30, we had the boys over. We're doing the pre-paint, 73 00:06:24,860 --> 00:06:27,580 My drug of choice is whatever you got, right? 74 00:06:27,700 --> 00:06:29,160 Got in a lot of trouble in school. 75 00:06:29,380 --> 00:06:31,420 My mother moved us to the other side of Pomona. 76 00:06:31,660 --> 00:06:34,540 You know, the book talks about seeking lower companions. 77 00:06:35,100 --> 00:06:37,780 I took three buses to get to the barrio. 78 00:06:38,100 --> 00:06:40,880 I was the best dress chola in the barrio. 79 00:06:41,500 --> 00:06:44,060 Not only that, but I got allowance for doing chores. 80 00:06:44,480 --> 00:06:48,440 So I'd go over there and I was always the big shot, paying for everything, doing all that. 81 00:06:48,660 --> 00:06:49,800 Always being the big shot. 82 00:06:49,960 --> 00:06:51,200 Got in a lot of trouble again. 83 00:06:51,440 --> 00:06:54,080 And I went to lots and lots of meetings. 84 00:06:54,080 --> 00:06:58,660 Every time I got suspended at school, my mother made me come to meetings. 85 00:06:59,000 --> 00:07:03,480 I liked the AA meetings because they had cookies, had great snacks, stuff we didn't have at home. 86 00:07:03,800 --> 00:07:08,260 And I'd sit in that front row and I'd listen to those speakers and I'd go, 87 00:07:08,720 --> 00:07:11,900 Wow, what an exciting life they had. 88 00:07:12,080 --> 00:07:15,660 Too bad they're old, they ain't got nowhere else to go, so they come to AA. 89 00:07:16,280 --> 00:07:18,040 I'm talking in the 60s, okay? 90 00:07:18,160 --> 00:07:20,540 They were really old then, you know. 91 00:07:20,920 --> 00:07:23,340 So anyway, we moved to the other side of town. 92 00:07:23,340 --> 00:07:27,260 And my mom moved us to Montclair because Montclair didn't have a barrio. 93 00:07:27,560 --> 00:07:30,180 And I joined drill team, you know. 94 00:07:30,360 --> 00:07:33,120 I'm the kind of person I can hang out with anybody. 95 00:07:33,520 --> 00:07:39,780 The socias, the continentals, you guys don't know those words, but, you know, the squares, you know. 96 00:07:40,320 --> 00:07:41,600 The low rider. 97 00:07:41,740 --> 00:07:44,740 I was never into bikers though, you know, because I got that big hairdo. 98 00:07:45,220 --> 00:07:49,060 So, you know, and back in those days, the cool thing was smoking. 99 00:07:49,660 --> 00:07:51,900 If you smoked, you were cool. 100 00:07:51,900 --> 00:07:52,900 They had a designation. 101 00:07:53,340 --> 00:07:54,600 Native woman's restroom. 102 00:07:54,740 --> 00:07:57,320 Everybody would go in there and smoke, you know. 103 00:07:57,480 --> 00:08:02,760 And we'd go to these things after school and drink a little Red, you know, Red Mountain back in the day. 104 00:08:02,900 --> 00:08:05,960 You'd get a gallon of it for 99 cents, you know. 105 00:08:05,980 --> 00:08:07,620 And you'd go home, mama would be smelling. 106 00:08:07,660 --> 00:08:08,480 You been drinking? 107 00:08:08,620 --> 00:08:09,440 No, mama, no. 108 00:08:09,640 --> 00:08:10,860 I swear to God, I've been drinking. 109 00:08:11,060 --> 00:08:11,940 You think I'm stupid? 110 00:08:12,100 --> 00:08:15,640 You know, when your mama's in AA, she be smelling shit, right? 111 00:08:15,640 --> 00:08:22,640 So, in those days, like John was saying, we would get these little white little pills with little crosstops. 112 00:08:23,340 --> 00:08:27,720 There were 10 for a dollar, they were whites, they were speed, right? 113 00:08:27,920 --> 00:08:34,220 And then you could get four little sleeping pills, but I didn't know they were sleeping pills. 114 00:08:34,220 --> 00:08:35,180 They were just cool. 115 00:08:35,420 --> 00:08:42,940 You know, they were Red Devils or Pink Ladies or Rainbow. 116 00:08:42,940 --> 00:08:44,900 They had all these cute names, you know. 117 00:08:44,900 --> 00:08:51,860 And so, anyway, at school, you know, so we were always doing goodies and then we'd go to the bathroom and go smoke a cigarette. 118 00:08:51,860 --> 00:08:53,180 And all the girls. 119 00:08:53,180 --> 00:09:04,860 This particular day, we're talking about this guy, he was six foot three, blonde hair, blue eyes, he has a nice low rider and car shows, all the girls wanted to be with him. 120 00:09:04,860 --> 00:09:11,060 I don't know about you guys, but I don't know what I like, but if they, if all you guys want him, I gotta have him. 121 00:09:11,060 --> 00:09:19,060 So, I married this guy at 16 and he introduced me to Boone's Farm, Apple Wine, and Reds. 122 00:09:19,060 --> 00:09:22,960 Wow, I thought I was violent before, as soon as I got that combination, it was. 123 00:09:22,960 --> 00:09:31,680 Anyway, I was a newlywed and I went to a house party and I was semi-passed out on a friend's shoulder and my husband was gonna go get some booze. 124 00:09:31,680 --> 00:09:40,720 And when he comes up, comes back, I pick up my head and he's coming through the door and he's got a bag of booze and some chick comes through the door and she's got a bag of booze, too. 125 00:09:40,720 --> 00:09:44,000 My head's like, mm-hmm, I know he was with her. 126 00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:49,040 So, when he came, I think, this is my perception, I'm not sure, but I think he came to kiss me and there was a beer bottle by me and I clocked him on the face. 127 00:09:49,040 --> 00:09:56,800 Kissed me and there was a beer bottle by me and I clocked him on the face, cut his face, just in case he was with her, you know. 128 00:09:56,800 --> 00:09:58,760 I'd get a little rowdy when I drank. 129 00:09:58,760 --> 00:10:05,560 Shortly after that, I tried to kill him again, but really, I was just knocking some sense into him, because he asked for a divorce. 130 00:10:05,560 --> 00:10:08,160 And I wasn't done yet, you know what I'm saying? 131 00:10:08,160 --> 00:10:12,160 I mean, I was, my divorce papers say I was married three months and 10 days. 132 00:10:12,160 --> 00:10:14,840 Three months, 10 days, 16, already divorced. 133 00:10:14,840 --> 00:10:16,460 Married and divorced at 16. 134 00:10:16,460 --> 00:10:24,020 So, when he gets out of the hospital, his family sends him to Ontario, Canada, because they were Derry people. 135 00:10:24,020 --> 00:10:28,440 And when I get out of juvenile hall, I say, I'm gonna kill this guy. 136 00:10:28,440 --> 00:10:32,680 What I was really gonna do is I was gonna plead him and tell him I was gonna straighten up now. 137 00:10:32,680 --> 00:10:36,680 When I misbehave, I always said, my mom would say, Norma, when are you gonna behave? 138 00:10:36,680 --> 00:10:38,560 Right now, mama, right now. 139 00:10:38,560 --> 00:10:40,460 So, I was gonna go plead him. 140 00:10:40,460 --> 00:10:42,080 This used to be rapid transit. 141 00:10:42,080 --> 00:10:43,700 Some of you guys remember thumbing it? 142 00:10:43,700 --> 00:10:44,640 No, huh? 143 00:10:44,640 --> 00:10:45,820 Well, a couple people. 144 00:10:45,820 --> 00:10:46,460 Oh, yay, yay. 145 00:10:46,460 --> 00:10:48,780 This used to be rapid transit. 146 00:10:48,780 --> 00:10:49,880 We used to hitchhike. 147 00:10:49,880 --> 00:10:52,660 I'm gonna go kill this guy in Ontario, Canada. 148 00:10:52,660 --> 00:10:54,220 I have never been out of Montclair. 149 00:10:54,220 --> 00:10:56,140 I don't know where Ontario, Canada is. 150 00:10:56,140 --> 00:10:59,300 But I start hitchhiking and I get as far as Columbus, Ohio. 151 00:10:59,300 --> 00:11:03,480 I want you to know there are no Mexicans in Columbus, Ohio. 152 00:11:03,480 --> 00:11:07,300 But I'll tell you what, I started drinking, I started partying. 153 00:11:07,300 --> 00:11:09,880 I forgot what my primary purpose was, right? 154 00:11:09,880 --> 00:11:13,820 And it was about November, I had sent my mom a Christmas gift 155 00:11:13,820 --> 00:11:16,100 and I had called my house to see if they received it. 156 00:11:16,100 --> 00:11:20,000 My stepdad had told me that my mom had contemplated suicide. 157 00:11:20,000 --> 00:11:22,080 My mother was five or six years sober. 158 00:11:22,080 --> 00:11:24,480 She had contemplated suicide, so I came back. 159 00:11:24,480 --> 00:11:27,700 I went to Allotine when I became of age. 160 00:11:27,700 --> 00:11:30,880 You know, I've been around AA all my life, you know, 161 00:11:30,880 --> 00:11:34,500 and I didn't want anything to do with Alcoholics Anonymous. 162 00:11:34,500 --> 00:11:36,320 And when I was a kid, when I came back, I said, 163 00:11:36,320 --> 00:11:38,280 you know, I'm getting rid of that wine that was red. 164 00:11:38,280 --> 00:11:40,340 That stuff makes me too rowdy. 165 00:11:40,340 --> 00:11:41,540 I know what I need. 166 00:11:41,540 --> 00:11:45,940 I need to get myself a job and get myself a car. 167 00:11:45,940 --> 00:11:50,320 So we moved back to Orange and I get myself a job 168 00:11:50,320 --> 00:11:54,760 and I buy myself a 64 Chevy Impala Supersport. 169 00:11:54,760 --> 00:11:56,380 You know, the kind with the big steering wheel, 170 00:11:56,380 --> 00:11:57,780 but I put a little six inch 171 00:11:57,780 --> 00:11:59,160 because I can't see over the top. 172 00:11:59,160 --> 00:12:01,420 Get rid of that apple wine and those reds. 173 00:12:01,420 --> 00:12:06,220 Switch to a little 151 Bacardi and RC Cola. 174 00:12:06,220 --> 00:12:07,980 God, I loved it. 175 00:12:07,980 --> 00:12:10,320 And today I can still, when I smell Bacardi, 176 00:12:10,320 --> 00:12:11,980 it still excites me. 177 00:12:11,980 --> 00:12:13,920 And then it gives me the heebie-jeebies. 178 00:12:13,920 --> 00:12:15,920 I don't want no part of that challenge. 179 00:12:15,940 --> 00:12:18,760 You know, I used to lie in my street. 180 00:12:18,760 --> 00:12:20,680 I used to sleep on the street side 181 00:12:20,680 --> 00:12:24,800 and I used to line my window with 151 empty, of course. 182 00:12:24,800 --> 00:12:27,660 I tell liquor store guys that I'm saving change. 183 00:12:27,660 --> 00:12:29,940 You know, that's why I need the big bottles. 184 00:12:29,940 --> 00:12:32,680 And I claim Ontario as my vario. 185 00:12:32,680 --> 00:12:33,600 That's where I'm from. 186 00:12:33,600 --> 00:12:36,480 And you know, Ontario and Orange are not close together. 187 00:12:36,480 --> 00:12:38,840 And this is a time when we wore those big hair pieces, 188 00:12:38,840 --> 00:12:42,340 big hairdos, like Priscilla Presley and eyelashes. 189 00:12:42,340 --> 00:12:44,540 The eyelashes are in style again, you know? 190 00:12:44,540 --> 00:12:45,660 And you know, when I'm putting 191 00:12:45,660 --> 00:12:47,300 that war paint, I'm drinking. 192 00:12:47,300 --> 00:12:49,660 You know, when I'm getting all ready, I'm drinking. 193 00:12:49,660 --> 00:12:52,580 Drinking the shower, absolutely, doesn't everybody? 194 00:12:52,580 --> 00:12:54,960 You gotta have a drink when you're taking a bath, 195 00:12:54,960 --> 00:12:56,580 a shower, you gotta have a drink. 196 00:12:56,580 --> 00:12:59,920 And back in the old days, I'd be going driving 197 00:12:59,920 --> 00:13:01,180 and a cop would stop me. 198 00:13:01,180 --> 00:13:04,060 And then I'd just, I'd start crying and blame everything. 199 00:13:04,060 --> 00:13:06,580 Mama, mama, there's a fight, blah, blah, blah. 200 00:13:06,580 --> 00:13:09,260 Just start crying and the cop go, okay, okay, 201 00:13:09,260 --> 00:13:11,260 I'm gonna follow you home. 202 00:13:11,260 --> 00:13:15,100 Back in the day, I'm gonna follow you home, park your car, 203 00:13:15,100 --> 00:13:16,220 and don't get in it. 204 00:13:16,220 --> 00:13:19,260 I swear to God, I won't get back in it, I swear to God. 205 00:13:19,260 --> 00:13:21,900 So I wait 15 minutes, look out the windows, 206 00:13:21,900 --> 00:13:23,100 and he ain't around. 207 00:13:23,100 --> 00:13:24,740 So then I walk around the whole block, 208 00:13:24,740 --> 00:13:27,180 make sure ain't no stash in place, 209 00:13:27,180 --> 00:13:29,440 jump in that car and go to Ontario. 210 00:13:29,440 --> 00:13:32,040 Go to Ontario and we beat up the girls from out of town, 211 00:13:32,040 --> 00:13:33,940 you know, the girls from Chino. 212 00:13:33,940 --> 00:13:36,500 And then the next day we go look for our hair 213 00:13:36,500 --> 00:13:38,100 where they pulled it out, right? 214 00:13:38,100 --> 00:13:40,560 On Sunday, but the normies call it Monday, 215 00:13:40,560 --> 00:13:42,640 I gotta go home, I gotta go home. 216 00:13:42,640 --> 00:13:44,140 But I figure if I haven't gone to sleep, 217 00:13:44,140 --> 00:13:45,720 Sunday ain't over, right? 218 00:13:45,720 --> 00:13:48,320 So I gotta get home, drop some whites or so, 219 00:13:48,320 --> 00:13:50,820 if I'm lucky, some black beauties, 220 00:13:50,820 --> 00:13:54,660 so my mother doesn't think I'm an alcoholic. 221 00:13:54,660 --> 00:13:56,720 A friend of hers, her name was Irish Annie, 222 00:13:56,720 --> 00:14:00,020 she asked me one time if I had a problem with alcohol. 223 00:14:00,020 --> 00:14:03,240 And I said, heck no, I'm not having a problem with alcohol, 224 00:14:03,240 --> 00:14:05,240 I'm having fun, you know? 225 00:14:05,240 --> 00:14:08,760 And so I never want, so I always had other little goodies 226 00:14:08,760 --> 00:14:10,900 so she wouldn't think I was an alcoholic. 227 00:14:10,900 --> 00:14:13,260 So what happened for me is my cousin invited me in, 228 00:14:13,260 --> 00:14:14,060 and I said, hey, you know what? 229 00:14:14,060 --> 00:14:14,900 I'm gonna have a beer. 230 00:14:14,900 --> 00:14:17,580 And he invited me over his in-laws' anniversary party. 231 00:14:17,580 --> 00:14:20,820 And he said that I could have one drink. 232 00:14:20,820 --> 00:14:23,300 I never considered myself a daily drinker, 233 00:14:23,300 --> 00:14:26,400 but every day when the guys were gonna go get a 40-ouncer 234 00:14:26,400 --> 00:14:29,140 or the Mexicans call it a cahuama at lunch, 235 00:14:29,140 --> 00:14:30,800 I was in the car, you know? 236 00:14:30,800 --> 00:14:32,120 But I didn't think beer counted. 237 00:14:32,120 --> 00:14:35,160 Beer was when I was an adolescent, I was an adult now. 238 00:14:35,160 --> 00:14:37,480 I was 17 now, you know what I mean? 239 00:14:37,480 --> 00:14:40,180 So he said I could have one drink. 240 00:14:40,180 --> 00:14:44,060 I had a 10-ounce shot of whiskey, if I get one. 241 00:14:44,060 --> 00:14:47,560 And I didn't have no party favors in it, and I blacked out. 242 00:14:47,560 --> 00:14:49,680 And the next day, his wife came over my house, 243 00:14:49,680 --> 00:14:52,560 and she said I'd been all over my cousin's brother, 244 00:14:52,560 --> 00:14:56,440 that I had been sitting on his lap and stroking his hair, 245 00:14:56,440 --> 00:15:00,220 and I cringed at the idea because I hated him. 246 00:15:00,220 --> 00:15:01,340 You see, when I was a kid, 247 00:15:01,340 --> 00:15:03,240 I always thought he wanted to molest me. 248 00:15:03,240 --> 00:15:05,620 He'd call me over, he'd rub up against me. 249 00:15:05,620 --> 00:15:08,040 He had this look, I was terrified of him. 250 00:15:08,040 --> 00:15:11,400 So when she said I did that, I got scared. 251 00:15:11,400 --> 00:15:13,180 So then I started jogging seven, 10. 252 00:15:13,180 --> 00:15:16,720 You know, I never read chapter three, never heard chapter three. 253 00:15:16,720 --> 00:15:19,160 My whole life is about chapter three. 254 00:15:19,160 --> 00:15:22,040 So I start jogging seven, 10 miles a day. 255 00:15:22,040 --> 00:15:25,340 Get rid of that 151 Bacardi, and start jogging, 256 00:15:25,340 --> 00:15:29,100 and decide to go back to school and broaden my horizon. 257 00:15:29,100 --> 00:15:31,140 Move into a furnished Christian apartment. 258 00:15:31,140 --> 00:15:33,340 I'm not drinking, so I'm not violent. 259 00:15:33,340 --> 00:15:34,340 Just smoke a little weed. 260 00:15:34,340 --> 00:15:35,340 You know, weed ain't bad. 261 00:15:35,340 --> 00:15:39,700 You know, it's natural, God-given, come from the dirt, right? 262 00:15:39,700 --> 00:15:43,180 Stay up all night reading, and studying, and doing all that. 263 00:15:43,180 --> 00:15:46,780 Go to class, take a hard class like political science. 264 00:15:46,780 --> 00:15:48,840 Go in there, write, put my name on it. 265 00:15:48,840 --> 00:15:51,120 Smoke a joint before I get there so I can relax, 266 00:15:51,120 --> 00:15:52,820 because I've been studying all night. 267 00:15:52,820 --> 00:15:56,740 Read the same sentence over and over, think about it. 268 00:15:56,740 --> 00:15:58,680 Never get off that first sentence. 269 00:15:58,680 --> 00:16:01,960 Get an F. I took that class four semesters in a row. 270 00:16:01,960 --> 00:16:03,500 Same seat, same instructor. 271 00:16:03,500 --> 00:16:05,540 Never miss a day in class. 272 00:16:05,540 --> 00:16:06,680 Bad behavior. 273 00:16:06,680 --> 00:16:08,580 Last day of school, I said, I know what the problem is. 274 00:16:08,580 --> 00:16:09,880 The problem is I'm stupid. 275 00:16:09,880 --> 00:16:12,220 My mom always said I was stupid, and I believed her. 276 00:16:12,220 --> 00:16:13,180 And what happened is, my girlfriend said, I'm stupid. 277 00:16:13,180 --> 00:16:16,800 My girlfriend brought these two guys over to my furnished Christian apartment, and I 278 00:16:16,800 --> 00:16:17,800 had a shot of tequila. 279 00:16:17,800 --> 00:16:21,400 It had been three years since I had a drink, and I had a shot of tequila. 280 00:16:21,400 --> 00:16:23,680 Then I went to two pints of tequila. 281 00:16:23,680 --> 00:16:29,620 And then she asked this guy where he lived, and he said he lived by the orange circle. 282 00:16:29,620 --> 00:16:36,240 I don't know why alcohol enhances my resentments, but my mother lived by the orange circle. 283 00:16:36,240 --> 00:16:42,220 There was a baseball bat by me, picked up the bat, destroyed the furnished apartment, 284 00:16:42,220 --> 00:16:46,460 got in a physical confrontation with my girlfriend, bit her nipple. 285 00:16:46,460 --> 00:16:53,160 The guys left, the cops came, got in a physical confrontation with the cops, ran out the door, 286 00:16:53,160 --> 00:16:57,120 knocked on the lady's door and said, pray for me, as they're taking me to jail. 287 00:16:57,120 --> 00:16:59,720 And it had been three years since I had a drink. 288 00:16:59,720 --> 00:17:02,980 And like I said, I'd been in hundreds and hundreds of AA meetings, I didn't even know 289 00:17:02,980 --> 00:17:04,580 I even heard anything. 290 00:17:04,580 --> 00:17:09,040 And when I came to in jail, it was like four in the morning, and they let me out. 291 00:17:09,040 --> 00:17:10,840 I didn't pick up a case or nothing. 292 00:17:10,840 --> 00:17:11,840 And I thought, yeah. 293 00:17:11,840 --> 00:17:12,840 You know, I get arrogant. 294 00:17:12,840 --> 00:17:13,840 Yeah, they didn't need to be in my apartment. 295 00:17:13,840 --> 00:17:14,840 You know, rah, rah, rah. 296 00:17:14,840 --> 00:17:22,500 I got a black eye, and one of my fans missing, my hair's all thrashed, and a nice bus driver 297 00:17:22,500 --> 00:17:24,840 lets me on the bus, and I go home. 298 00:17:24,840 --> 00:17:26,980 And I swear off one more time. 299 00:17:26,980 --> 00:17:30,640 So what I do, I switch to a little social heroin. 300 00:17:30,640 --> 00:17:33,760 You know heroin, those days, those are very long. 301 00:17:33,760 --> 00:17:36,360 Everything I swore I wouldn't do, I started doing. 302 00:17:36,360 --> 00:17:40,820 Inevitably at 28 years old, I hit the streets, because I sold everything. 303 00:17:40,820 --> 00:17:41,820 I put everything in stores. 304 00:17:41,840 --> 00:17:47,720 And I had a drink and pay storage, which it's going to be, it's going to be the drink, right? 305 00:17:47,720 --> 00:17:53,380 You know, and I was 28 years old when I hit the streets and started living here and there 306 00:17:53,380 --> 00:17:57,460 and everywhere, garages and hotels and hotels. 307 00:17:57,460 --> 00:18:03,340 And my girlfriend was a great enabler, and I'd make lots of trips to the county jail. 308 00:18:03,340 --> 00:18:06,840 I don't like Civil Brand because it smells, but I like OCJ. 309 00:18:06,840 --> 00:18:09,840 OCJ, I love Orange County food. 310 00:18:09,840 --> 00:18:10,840 You know, they, I love it. 311 00:18:10,840 --> 00:18:13,480 You know, they, I love shit on a shingle. 312 00:18:13,480 --> 00:18:15,420 I like sloppy joes. 313 00:18:15,420 --> 00:18:18,860 I know Wednesday's fried chicken and chocolate milk. 314 00:18:18,860 --> 00:18:21,420 You know, all my partners are in jail. 315 00:18:21,420 --> 00:18:23,720 I love being with you. 316 00:18:23,720 --> 00:18:24,720 That's what I like. 317 00:18:24,720 --> 00:18:27,280 I'm the only one that I know that would cry when it was time to leave. 318 00:18:27,280 --> 00:18:28,460 I don't want to go. 319 00:18:28,460 --> 00:18:30,760 I don't want to do it another time. 320 00:18:30,760 --> 00:18:32,720 Made lots of trips to the county jail. 321 00:18:32,720 --> 00:18:37,960 I'd call mama, because mama, I need money on my books to buy cigarettes, back when 322 00:18:37,960 --> 00:18:38,960 you could smoke. 323 00:18:38,960 --> 00:18:39,960 I need candy. 324 00:18:39,960 --> 00:18:40,720 I need this. 325 00:18:40,840 --> 00:18:43,440 And mama, this time I'm going to straighten up. 326 00:18:43,440 --> 00:18:45,780 This time it's going to, you know, this time it's going to. 327 00:18:45,780 --> 00:18:52,120 And every time I went to jail, I believed it that I was going to straighten up. 328 00:18:52,120 --> 00:18:56,780 As soon as I hit that sally port and my friends were there, I'm going to just have one. 329 00:18:56,780 --> 00:18:57,780 I owe me one. 330 00:18:57,780 --> 00:18:58,780 I've been down nine months. 331 00:18:58,780 --> 00:19:00,600 I owe me, what's one? 332 00:19:00,600 --> 00:19:03,560 Then I'd get on the cycle all over again. 333 00:19:03,560 --> 00:19:07,420 I know what it is to be walking the streets on a rainy night with layers and layers of 334 00:19:07,420 --> 00:19:09,960 clothes on and smelling like a wet dog. 335 00:19:09,960 --> 00:19:12,200 I'm wondering what happened to my life. 336 00:19:12,200 --> 00:19:17,480 I would go into, when you live on the streets, that becomes the normal way. 337 00:19:17,480 --> 00:19:19,540 You know where to go to sleep. 338 00:19:19,540 --> 00:19:23,460 You know where the Salvation Army, you know you have to be there at four o'clock to get 339 00:19:23,460 --> 00:19:24,460 a bed. 340 00:19:24,460 --> 00:19:25,580 You know you can't have this. 341 00:19:25,580 --> 00:19:26,680 You know you can't have that. 342 00:19:26,680 --> 00:19:32,340 You know all the ways to live in that life, where the free food is, where the free clothes 343 00:19:32,340 --> 00:19:33,340 are. 344 00:19:33,340 --> 00:19:34,520 You know, I had a nice shopping cart. 345 00:19:34,520 --> 00:19:38,840 I would hide all my goodies someplace and, you know, and that's how I lived every now 346 00:19:38,840 --> 00:19:39,840 and then. 347 00:19:39,840 --> 00:19:43,000 I'd call my mom and I'd call her up and she'd say, how are you mijita? 348 00:19:43,000 --> 00:19:45,420 And I'd say, I'm fine mama, I'm fine. 349 00:19:45,420 --> 00:19:47,820 Because like I said, that life became the norm. 350 00:19:47,820 --> 00:19:50,380 This one particular day, I'd gone to jail. 351 00:19:50,380 --> 00:19:51,480 Like I said, I like jail. 352 00:19:51,480 --> 00:19:54,140 And I called my mom and she was like two through with me. 353 00:19:54,140 --> 00:19:58,060 She said, for God's sake, Norma, I'm making dinner for Johnny Harris. 354 00:19:58,060 --> 00:20:01,220 If you want to get sober, you write to this place in Indio. 355 00:20:01,220 --> 00:20:04,480 Now, I have never heard of Indio. 356 00:20:04,480 --> 00:20:08,340 She said she was going to send me to the best recovery home she knew. 357 00:20:08,340 --> 00:20:10,980 I went around that jail saying, I'm going to Betty Ford. 358 00:20:10,980 --> 00:20:14,040 I'm going to be studying the money with Elizabeth Taylor. 359 00:20:14,040 --> 00:20:15,920 You know, because I always got to be a cut up. 360 00:20:15,920 --> 00:20:19,740 I don't care if I'm in jail or in the streets, you know, I got it going on. 361 00:20:19,740 --> 00:20:24,660 And she gave me, and she told me to write to that place and ask them if I could get 362 00:20:24,660 --> 00:20:25,660 a bed there. 363 00:20:25,660 --> 00:20:29,300 She gave me a phone number to call when they let me out. 364 00:20:29,300 --> 00:20:35,260 Now, I don't know why our judicial system, I can't even pronounce those words, judicial, 365 00:20:35,260 --> 00:20:36,620 you know, our government. 366 00:20:36,620 --> 00:20:37,500 I don't know why they let us go. 367 00:20:37,500 --> 00:20:37,700 I don't know why they let us go. 368 00:20:37,700 --> 00:20:37,740 I don't know why they let us go. 369 00:20:37,740 --> 00:20:37,800 I don't know why they let us go. 370 00:20:37,800 --> 00:20:40,600 I don't know why they give criminals an early kick. 371 00:20:40,600 --> 00:20:41,600 You know what that is? 372 00:20:41,600 --> 00:20:44,440 That means to go let you out at 2 in the morning. 373 00:20:44,440 --> 00:20:45,860 Now, I'm a criminal. 374 00:20:45,860 --> 00:20:50,360 What am I, what business do I got at 2 in the morning out of jail? 375 00:20:50,360 --> 00:20:53,620 I'm not going to do anything good because it's 2 in the morning, right? 376 00:20:53,620 --> 00:20:56,820 So, on this particular day, I'm in the Sally Port with all my partners. 377 00:20:56,820 --> 00:21:00,760 All my friends are in the Sally Port because you go to jail and you've got a lot of friends there. 378 00:21:00,760 --> 00:21:04,660 It's like coming to AA meeting, the constant repeaters, right? 379 00:21:04,660 --> 00:21:07,160 So, we're in the Sally Port and they go, come on, Norman. 380 00:21:07,160 --> 00:21:07,700 Let's go get some food. 381 00:21:07,700 --> 00:21:09,960 Let's go get some cookies at 7-Eleven. 382 00:21:09,960 --> 00:21:12,980 Anybody that knows me knows that I love sweets. 383 00:21:12,980 --> 00:21:14,740 I go, okay, let's go. 384 00:21:14,740 --> 00:21:20,060 So, when we start walking towards 7-Eleven, I have that feeling of impending doom. 385 00:21:20,060 --> 00:21:22,520 Like, no, what's going to happen to me? 386 00:21:22,520 --> 00:21:24,360 No, what am I going to do? 387 00:21:24,360 --> 00:21:31,360 That feeling of hopelessness was so great that I ran back to that jail and I called that number. 388 00:21:31,360 --> 00:21:34,400 That lady picked me up and she took me as far as Riverside. 389 00:21:34,400 --> 00:21:37,540 My mother came from Blythe and picked me up at Riverside. 390 00:21:37,540 --> 00:21:41,760 And she had that conversation, some of you might have, with those you love. 391 00:21:41,760 --> 00:21:44,580 She said, Norma, give yourself a break. 392 00:21:44,580 --> 00:21:46,800 This can be the last time you ever go. 393 00:21:46,800 --> 00:21:49,200 It's going on and on and on and on. 394 00:21:49,200 --> 00:21:50,700 You know, it's, Mama, I'm shrinking. 395 00:21:50,700 --> 00:21:52,280 I'm five years old again. 396 00:21:52,280 --> 00:21:54,460 I'm always a screw-up, blah, blah, blah. 397 00:21:54,460 --> 00:21:59,340 And she's going, she said, this is the last time you ever have to go through this. 398 00:21:59,340 --> 00:22:06,040 And I pray that it is as long as I continue to fulfill the conditions for me to stay here. 399 00:22:06,040 --> 00:22:07,380 There are conditions. 400 00:22:07,380 --> 00:22:09,080 We don't pick up. 401 00:22:09,080 --> 00:22:10,520 We don't use. 402 00:22:10,520 --> 00:22:11,780 We don't drink. 403 00:22:11,780 --> 00:22:12,920 We get a service. 404 00:22:12,920 --> 00:22:13,920 We get a sponsor. 405 00:22:13,920 --> 00:22:14,920 We work the steps. 406 00:22:14,920 --> 00:22:20,940 Those are the conditions for me to stay here, you know. 407 00:22:20,940 --> 00:22:23,100 So then what, you know, it's the wee hours of the morning. 408 00:22:23,100 --> 00:22:28,140 If you've ever been to Indio, I've never been to, just sitting and tumbling, like, where 409 00:22:28,140 --> 00:22:29,600 are we going? 410 00:22:29,600 --> 00:22:33,120 So we get off the freeway, think we're getting off the freeway, then go to the mountains 411 00:22:33,120 --> 00:22:36,400 where the hot, hot mud and all that. 412 00:22:36,400 --> 00:22:37,360 Betty Ford and my dad. 413 00:22:37,360 --> 00:22:38,760 Delusion. 414 00:22:38,760 --> 00:22:43,360 And we pull up in front of the ABC Club, it's a two-story house, and there's nobody there. 415 00:22:43,360 --> 00:22:45,320 Because it's the wee hours of the morning. 416 00:22:45,320 --> 00:22:47,020 We roll down the alley. 417 00:22:47,020 --> 00:22:51,600 One side of the alley is this old, white, two-story house with four cats. 418 00:22:51,600 --> 00:22:52,600 You know what cats means? 419 00:22:52,600 --> 00:22:53,600 Means mice. 420 00:22:53,600 --> 00:22:55,760 Across the street is a shooting gallery. 421 00:22:55,760 --> 00:22:57,800 You know what a shooting gallery is, right? 422 00:22:57,800 --> 00:23:03,820 It's an old, broken-down old house with no windows, with graffiti and smells like urine 423 00:23:03,820 --> 00:23:05,360 and feces. 424 00:23:05,360 --> 00:23:06,500 And that's more home than the other side of the alley. 425 00:23:06,500 --> 00:23:07,000 Yeah. 426 00:23:07,360 --> 00:23:13,660 And bigger than who's nanny comes this old lady down the steps. 427 00:23:13,660 --> 00:23:17,360 She tells me to sleep on the couch and don't use the phone. 428 00:23:17,360 --> 00:23:20,800 You know all night I'm thinking, who can I call? 429 00:23:20,800 --> 00:23:23,560 Somebody get me out of here, what was I thinking? 430 00:23:23,560 --> 00:23:25,540 I don't know where the heck I was. 431 00:23:25,540 --> 00:23:31,680 But in the morning, when that sweet old woman, who has passed away, took me into her office, 432 00:23:31,680 --> 00:23:36,500 she asked that question you're not supposed to ask, arrogant people. 433 00:23:36,500 --> 00:23:39,260 She asked me what my drug of choice was. 434 00:23:39,260 --> 00:23:40,260 And I said, heroin. 435 00:23:40,260 --> 00:23:42,260 And she said, did you ever use alcohol? 436 00:23:42,260 --> 00:23:47,820 And then it flat all the things that I ever did, the hangovers, the throwing up, all the 437 00:23:47,820 --> 00:23:48,820 demoralizing. 438 00:23:48,820 --> 00:23:50,240 I said, yes. 439 00:23:50,240 --> 00:23:56,160 And she said, can you see how your alcoholism led you to try other things? 440 00:23:56,160 --> 00:23:59,300 And I believe that that was my first moment of clarity. 441 00:23:59,300 --> 00:24:02,820 She goes, therefore, we identify ourselves as an alcoholic. 442 00:24:02,820 --> 00:24:04,620 We no longer want to be different. 443 00:24:04,620 --> 00:24:06,300 The person that might save your life that day. 444 00:24:06,300 --> 00:24:10,060 Might just relate to the alcoholic and not the other. 445 00:24:10,060 --> 00:24:13,740 So she said, so we identify ourselves as an alcoholic. 446 00:24:13,740 --> 00:24:17,360 She said, and you get a sponsor and you work the steps. 447 00:24:17,360 --> 00:24:22,060 I got a sponsor who had 27 years of sobriety. 448 00:24:22,060 --> 00:24:23,060 Why? 449 00:24:23,060 --> 00:24:29,180 Because my mother had 23 years, my sister had 8, and I wanted to prance and show off. 450 00:24:29,180 --> 00:24:31,740 My sponsor knows more than you do. 451 00:24:31,740 --> 00:24:36,060 Because when I came here, I came here with every resentment fresh on my mind. 452 00:24:36,060 --> 00:24:43,120 Everything that I, I'm a scorekeeper, everything they fell short, everything they didn't do, 453 00:24:43,120 --> 00:24:46,480 everything they said, I kept it fresh on my mind. 454 00:24:46,480 --> 00:24:49,000 I'm not the favorite because I'm watching. 455 00:24:49,000 --> 00:24:51,420 I'm keeping score that I'm not the favorite. 456 00:24:51,420 --> 00:24:52,420 You know what I mean? 457 00:24:52,420 --> 00:24:53,980 I'm keeping score. 458 00:24:53,980 --> 00:24:59,660 So when I'm going to jail, back in the old days, they said, if you're under 30 days, 459 00:24:59,660 --> 00:25:02,140 you don't know how to stay sober, so don't say nothing. 460 00:25:02,140 --> 00:25:04,820 She goes, pass that poison around. 461 00:25:04,820 --> 00:25:06,360 Just say your name and pass. 462 00:25:06,360 --> 00:25:08,920 So for 30 days, I didn't say nothing. 463 00:25:08,920 --> 00:25:13,980 And then this guy got to the podium and he told the girls, you ladies are really going 464 00:25:13,980 --> 00:25:15,540 to get to know yourself. 465 00:25:15,540 --> 00:25:16,540 I'm so arrogant. 466 00:25:16,540 --> 00:25:19,840 I go, shoot, I already know me, what's wrong with this guy? 467 00:25:19,840 --> 00:25:23,180 But then he said the most profound words I ever heard. 468 00:25:23,180 --> 00:25:25,960 He said he had six months of sobriety. 469 00:25:25,960 --> 00:25:30,660 And I couldn't believe he had six months of sobriety and freedom. 470 00:25:30,660 --> 00:25:31,660 He could leave anytime. 471 00:25:31,660 --> 00:25:33,200 He wouldn't have to. 472 00:25:33,200 --> 00:25:34,600 He wasn't sentenced there. 473 00:25:34,600 --> 00:25:37,320 I wasn't sentenced there, but I was doing time. 474 00:25:37,320 --> 00:25:39,680 I was doing time because my girlfriend said get help. 475 00:25:39,680 --> 00:25:41,980 I was doing time until she gets out of prison. 476 00:25:41,980 --> 00:25:42,980 That's the only reason I'm there. 477 00:25:42,980 --> 00:25:44,400 I'm not there to get sober. 478 00:25:44,400 --> 00:25:50,580 When I was 30 days sober in that house, they let me go to a woman's stag, the only Chicana 479 00:25:50,580 --> 00:25:52,060 in all of India. 480 00:25:52,060 --> 00:25:55,020 Can you imagine only one Chicana in all of India? 481 00:25:55,020 --> 00:25:57,640 Anyway, that was my perception. 482 00:25:57,640 --> 00:26:03,240 She took me to a meeting in Palm Springs where the tables were like this, but they had linen 483 00:26:03,240 --> 00:26:04,240 on it. 484 00:26:04,600 --> 00:26:09,480 They had china glasses, and they had ashtrays, and the women all looked beautiful like you 485 00:26:09,480 --> 00:26:11,000 ladies here. 486 00:26:11,000 --> 00:26:16,520 And there was a lady named Aline Manuel, and she was talking to her sponsee, referring 487 00:26:16,520 --> 00:26:19,340 to page 96 with her boyfriend. 488 00:26:19,340 --> 00:26:22,400 If you don't know what he had, let him go and find another. 489 00:26:22,400 --> 00:26:23,840 And everybody was roaring. 490 00:26:23,840 --> 00:26:26,680 I didn't get what the heck they were saying. 491 00:26:26,680 --> 00:26:28,500 I didn't feel like I belonged. 492 00:26:28,500 --> 00:26:31,040 I felt so self-obsessed. 493 00:26:31,040 --> 00:26:33,600 I didn't know those words yet, but that's what I felt. 494 00:26:33,600 --> 00:26:39,320 In the middle of the meeting, this only Chicana goes, gets the coffee pot, and she starts 495 00:26:39,320 --> 00:26:40,320 serving coffee. 496 00:26:40,320 --> 00:26:45,720 Newcomer, if your head's anything like mine, my head said, mm-hmm, they make the Mexicans 497 00:26:45,720 --> 00:26:47,480 serve the coffee here. 498 00:26:47,480 --> 00:26:50,220 I'm sorry to say that I believe that. 499 00:26:50,220 --> 00:26:52,420 I did believe that. 500 00:26:52,420 --> 00:26:56,900 So when she's taking me back to that recovering home, I go, what, Esther, we have to serve 501 00:26:56,900 --> 00:26:58,620 the coffee? 502 00:26:58,620 --> 00:27:00,600 She looks at me like I wet the floor. 503 00:27:00,600 --> 00:27:01,600 She goes, no, Norma. 504 00:27:01,600 --> 00:27:02,600 I do it because I'm a woman. 505 00:27:02,600 --> 00:27:03,600 I'm a woman. 506 00:27:03,600 --> 00:27:05,560 I do it because it makes me feel a part of. 507 00:27:05,560 --> 00:27:08,040 I do it because without them, I can't stay sober. 508 00:27:08,040 --> 00:27:10,560 I do it because how it makes me feel. 509 00:27:10,560 --> 00:27:12,600 And she taught me about service. 510 00:27:12,600 --> 00:27:18,220 So I started doing the steps, and in recovery homes, they say crazy-ass things like get 511 00:27:18,220 --> 00:27:21,320 a god greater than yourself. 512 00:27:21,320 --> 00:27:22,320 Get the doorknob. 513 00:27:22,320 --> 00:27:25,540 I am not getting no doorknob. 514 00:27:25,540 --> 00:27:28,020 But in the desert, it's very windy. 515 00:27:28,020 --> 00:27:32,760 So I chose the wind as my god, and every time it touched my face, I said, please keep me 516 00:27:32,760 --> 00:27:33,440 sober. 517 00:27:33,440 --> 00:27:35,400 And in the nighttime, I said, thank you. 518 00:27:35,400 --> 00:27:38,520 I don't even know if I meant it, and it worked anyway. 519 00:27:38,520 --> 00:27:44,120 On November 27th of 1989 was the day after Thanksgiving, and I got to have a little part-time 520 00:27:44,120 --> 00:27:45,120 job. 521 00:27:45,120 --> 00:27:50,400 And the assistant manager asked me to remove some artificial Christmas trees out of the 522 00:27:50,400 --> 00:27:51,400 attic. 523 00:27:51,400 --> 00:27:52,980 I worked in a hardware store. 524 00:27:52,980 --> 00:27:54,480 You can tell I have a big mouth. 525 00:27:54,480 --> 00:27:55,880 I'm saying, why are you taking me? 526 00:27:55,880 --> 00:27:57,380 Why don't you take one of the guys? 527 00:27:57,380 --> 00:27:58,620 I'm the only chick here. 528 00:27:58,620 --> 00:27:59,620 My mouth doesn't stop. 529 00:27:59,620 --> 00:28:01,400 I'm going up there. 530 00:28:01,400 --> 00:28:02,600 My mouth don't stop. 531 00:28:02,600 --> 00:28:06,360 And when I have a resentment, I have a tremendous amount of strength. 532 00:28:06,360 --> 00:28:09,000 Get those Christmas trees out. 533 00:28:09,000 --> 00:28:11,660 I have never been in an attic. 534 00:28:11,660 --> 00:28:14,120 He didn't tell me to stay on the beam. 535 00:28:14,120 --> 00:28:15,500 I forgot to tell you. 536 00:28:15,500 --> 00:28:23,360 I went from 76 pounds, I saw seven little girls, to 150, boo, boo, boo, in four months. 537 00:28:23,360 --> 00:28:24,880 Because I had lung gut. 538 00:28:24,880 --> 00:28:29,980 And anybody who's not eating continuously, all of a sudden you eat a lot of cake, a lot 539 00:28:29,980 --> 00:28:32,100 of pie, a lot of cake, cookies, you know, all that. 540 00:28:32,600 --> 00:28:37,220 So I went from 176 pounds to 150 something something. 541 00:28:37,220 --> 00:28:39,780 And so next time you're in Home Depot, look up. 542 00:28:39,780 --> 00:28:46,140 So I took a step and then I took a trip and I slammed into the metal shelves and it sprung 543 00:28:46,140 --> 00:28:49,180 me up again and it slammed me down again. 544 00:28:49,180 --> 00:28:53,880 And I landed on my feet both times. 545 00:28:53,880 --> 00:28:55,920 And I didn't even break anything. 546 00:28:55,920 --> 00:28:59,360 Just a few teeth, but they were probably on the rot anyway, you know. 547 00:28:59,360 --> 00:29:01,480 What I got that day. 548 00:29:01,480 --> 00:29:02,480 What I got that day. 549 00:29:02,480 --> 00:29:07,640 Beyond a shadow of a doubt, as I stand here in front of you, at that moment, as I clutched 550 00:29:07,640 --> 00:29:11,400 my liver, God went from my head to my heart. 551 00:29:11,400 --> 00:29:16,480 God went from my head to my heart and I knew that God had a plan for my life. 552 00:29:16,480 --> 00:29:19,220 I went on walking around like a football player. 553 00:29:19,220 --> 00:29:20,500 I don't need anything. 554 00:29:20,500 --> 00:29:24,040 I don't want to take anything because I value my sobriety. 555 00:29:24,040 --> 00:29:26,880 I don't want to ever have to kick start. 556 00:29:26,880 --> 00:29:27,960 I don't want to. 557 00:29:27,960 --> 00:29:30,860 This is just easier, softer way. 558 00:29:30,860 --> 00:29:32,480 So I started doing the things everybody's doing. 559 00:29:32,480 --> 00:29:38,000 My grandmother died when I was 16 months sober and I got mad at my sober God. 560 00:29:38,000 --> 00:29:43,000 And I said, take my mama, take my sister, two for one, but give me my grandma back. 561 00:29:43,000 --> 00:29:45,120 You see, I wasn't done loving on her. 562 00:29:45,120 --> 00:29:50,240 I wasn't done showing her the things you were teaching me about being kind and polite and 563 00:29:50,240 --> 00:29:52,760 considerate and caring for her. 564 00:29:52,760 --> 00:29:56,600 I wasn't done doing those beautiful things you've taught me. 565 00:29:56,600 --> 00:30:00,480 But when God takes something away, He always replaces it with something else, you see. 566 00:30:00,480 --> 00:30:01,480 I had to pick up the paper and the paper was broken. 567 00:30:01,480 --> 00:30:02,480 I had to pick up the paper and the paper was broken. 568 00:30:02,480 --> 00:30:06,760 I had to pick it up and had to do five more inventories so I could let my mother and my 569 00:30:06,760 --> 00:30:09,800 sister off my expectation hook. 570 00:30:09,800 --> 00:30:12,020 Because I expect my mother to be a certain way. 571 00:30:12,020 --> 00:30:14,840 I expect her to interact a certain way with me. 572 00:30:14,840 --> 00:30:17,620 Why does she blah blah blah blah blah? 573 00:30:17,620 --> 00:30:20,600 And so I can just let them off the hook. 574 00:30:20,600 --> 00:30:25,620 When I was 16 months sober, after my grandmother died, shortly after that, they asked me to 575 00:30:25,620 --> 00:30:27,460 leave that recovery home. 576 00:30:27,460 --> 00:30:29,320 I was devastated. 577 00:30:29,320 --> 00:30:31,000 They asked me to exit out. 578 00:30:31,000 --> 00:30:32,000 I'm in sin. 579 00:30:32,000 --> 00:30:37,020 I'm institutionalized. I'd probably still be living there right now, you know, because I like 580 00:30:37,020 --> 00:30:41,840 where I'm at. Wherever I'm at, I like where I'm at. I get comfortable anywhere and they asked me 581 00:30:41,840 --> 00:30:48,640 to leave so I could start doing my life. So I came back to LA to mend a relationship. I was in 582 00:30:48,640 --> 00:30:55,740 this relationship for 12 years. I was in this relationship for 17 years. I had a lot of affairs 583 00:30:55,740 --> 00:31:00,980 my first year and a half of sobriety and that's not how you have a relationship. Anyway, I got a 584 00:31:00,980 --> 00:31:07,080 job. I started doing all the things here. I went 10 days without a meeting when I moved because I 585 00:31:07,080 --> 00:31:14,920 didn't know anybody sober in LA. And then my head said, why don't you go and tell the home girls how 586 00:31:14,920 --> 00:31:20,340 you straightened out? And then it came to me. In that recovery home, they said, if you go to the 587 00:31:20,340 --> 00:31:26,180 barbershop, you're going to get a haircut. So I got scared. So I went to 9604 and that started my 588 00:31:26,180 --> 00:31:30,920 journey of getting another sponsor, working the steps, doing all the things that are 589 00:31:30,920 --> 00:31:39,180 suggested here. You know, I've gotten to live two lifestyles in one lifetime. I had to clear up my 590 00:31:39,180 --> 00:31:45,320 TRW. Back in the day, I don't know what they have now for credit, but TRW, you have to clean up all 591 00:31:45,320 --> 00:31:51,380 that stuff, you know, like you didn't pay your gas bill and, you know, it's $56 when it was a 592 00:31:51,380 --> 00:31:56,560 dollar a month. You never paid it. You know, and the cable bill, you never paid it at all. So you 593 00:31:56,560 --> 00:32:00,900 got that and all this stuff on my, that I owed. And my sponsor had me write him, 594 00:32:00,920 --> 00:32:06,420 a letter, send him payments and do all that thing. Then I remembered I owed a chick money. 595 00:32:06,420 --> 00:32:13,560 So I'm asking God to please help me be strong to go there. So I go over there and I knock on her 596 00:32:13,560 --> 00:32:18,740 door and she says, Norma, get out of here. If you don't get out of here, we're calling the cops. 597 00:32:19,140 --> 00:32:24,660 The book says when we don't know what to do, we pause. So I pause. And then I thought, oh yeah, 598 00:32:25,180 --> 00:32:29,520 you know, when you live on the streets, you know, there's a lot of cops. You live on the streets, 599 00:32:29,520 --> 00:32:30,900 one stop, you give you a ticket. 600 00:32:30,920 --> 00:32:35,080 For open container, you've got a court date. Another one stop you, paraphernalia, court date. 601 00:32:35,320 --> 00:32:40,860 It's a getting the riot court date. I never went to court. I was too busy. So I'm no knucklehead. 602 00:32:40,960 --> 00:32:45,160 The next time the next cop comes around, I'm not giving him my name. So I give her her name. 603 00:32:45,280 --> 00:32:50,160 So I picked up a couple of beefs under her name. She was a little resentful. I remember this. 604 00:32:50,540 --> 00:32:55,320 And then I think, well, I could tell my sponsor I've gone to any length. The book says that people 605 00:32:55,320 --> 00:33:00,120 are not, la la la. And then my hand's knocking as I'm thinking. And I say, I'm not here to win 606 00:33:00,120 --> 00:33:00,640 your friendship. 607 00:33:00,920 --> 00:33:05,280 I'm only here to right the wrong I have done. And they open the door. And I go in there and 608 00:33:05,280 --> 00:33:10,460 start talking as fast as I can. Big old sumo Mexican, look at big old vatotes and all. I'm 609 00:33:10,460 --> 00:33:15,960 just me and my little guard, you know. I'll do whatever you suggest to right the wrong I had 610 00:33:15,960 --> 00:33:22,500 done. And they said, good, good, good. Keep up the good work. And this was in 1991 when five, 611 00:33:22,740 --> 00:33:28,700 it was five or $700 check and they didn't take it. So when I left, I was all happy. I was proud 612 00:33:28,700 --> 00:33:30,200 of myself. It was great. 613 00:33:30,920 --> 00:33:35,180 Two weeks later, she called me. She wants the money. I get a little resentful. She should have 614 00:33:35,180 --> 00:33:40,240 took the money when I was offering it to her, right? So I called my sponsor and she said, oh, 615 00:33:40,340 --> 00:33:44,600 Norma, just give it to him. You're only holding it for them. Click. And that's kind of how my 616 00:33:44,600 --> 00:33:49,920 sobriety has been. Now, let me tell you, let me up to date you really quick because he gave me 617 00:33:49,920 --> 00:33:56,160 the five minute warning. Yeah, yeah. Okay. In 2011, they let lesbians get married. So I got 618 00:33:56,160 --> 00:34:01,480 engaged. Okay. Okay. Okay. And then I remembered, I think I'm married. I think I married somebody. 619 00:34:01,700 --> 00:34:06,900 I think I married somebody. So somebody told me how to go on the internet and look. And I saw my 620 00:34:06,900 --> 00:34:11,540 marriage, my first marriage. And then I go, you didn't scroll down. So I go back in there and I 621 00:34:11,540 --> 00:34:19,100 scroll down and I married to some guy in 1984. And I don't know him. My head said, don't tell 622 00:34:19,100 --> 00:34:25,040 anybody. You don't have to get married. Lesbians could never get, don't tell, no. When my head 623 00:34:25,040 --> 00:34:25,940 starts talking, this is what I'm talking about. This is what I'm talking about. This is what I'm 624 00:34:25,940 --> 00:34:26,140 talking about. This is what I'm talking about. This is what I'm talking about. This is what I'm 625 00:34:26,140 --> 00:34:26,480 talking about. This is what I'm talking about. This is what I'm talking about. This is the 626 00:34:26,480 --> 00:34:32,180 barrio. This is the cribs. This is the gangsters. This is not the good people. This is not my 627 00:34:32,180 --> 00:34:37,640 friend. So I start writing. I start writing an inventory. I call my, my sponsor at that time 628 00:34:37,640 --> 00:34:43,080 was Patty O who has passed away this January. And I call her up and she said, you know, Norma, 629 00:34:43,100 --> 00:34:48,600 I don't have any experience with divorce lawyers. Call your sister. She gave me my sobriety sister's 630 00:34:48,600 --> 00:34:52,920 name and I call her up. She gives me a name. Okay. So then I go see these crazy attorneys 631 00:34:52,920 --> 00:34:55,720 and they say crazy ass things like, what's his birthday? 632 00:34:55,720 --> 00:35:02,800 I don't know. What's his social security number? I don't know. There's 104 guys with that name 633 00:35:02,800 --> 00:35:09,180 in the United States. How old is he? I don't know. She gets sick. I have to get another attorney. I 634 00:35:09,180 --> 00:35:13,680 have to go through the whole thing again. We went to social media. We went through the paper, 635 00:35:13,840 --> 00:35:20,220 private investigator, the judge, every time they reject it, the judge says, go through social media. 636 00:35:20,620 --> 00:35:24,840 So then I write the judge a letter and tell him that I married this guy in a blackout. 637 00:35:24,840 --> 00:35:25,700 And I don't know. 638 00:35:25,720 --> 00:35:30,840 That sounded like a scam in itself. You know what I mean? Been married to somebody 32 years and you 639 00:35:30,840 --> 00:35:36,000 don't know him. You know, it's kind of like most people, most people find out in a blackout 640 00:35:36,000 --> 00:35:42,140 sooner than that. Right. So I got divorced and I got married. And, but what I'm, the reason I 641 00:35:42,140 --> 00:35:47,820 share this story is that's what it used to be like. And without a sponsor, I won't know what 642 00:35:47,820 --> 00:35:54,920 to do. I'll listen to my bad head that gives me bad information. Uh, last month, uh, no, in May, 643 00:35:54,920 --> 00:35:55,700 I had public, 644 00:35:55,720 --> 00:36:01,040 but I felt this surge in my, my, my chest. I thought it was an anxiety attack. And then my 645 00:36:01,040 --> 00:36:06,300 neck started going like this. So I went outside, started praying and meditating. It's going like 646 00:36:06,300 --> 00:36:11,840 this. I think, I say, I think I need to dye my hair. So I started dyeing my hair. My neck does 647 00:36:11,840 --> 00:36:17,260 not stop. I say, I better wash this stuff off my hair. I don't want my wife to find me with a mess 648 00:36:17,260 --> 00:36:22,160 on the floor. So now it's going like this and it doesn't. So I better take a shower so I can be 649 00:36:22,160 --> 00:36:25,700 clean and pretty. And my neck's going like this. And then, and then, and then, and then, and then, 650 00:36:25,720 --> 00:36:31,720 I better call somebody to cover my commitment on Wednesday because I think I need to go to urgent 651 00:36:31,720 --> 00:36:37,960 care because my neck doesn't stop doing this. So then I call an RN and AA and I tell her that I 652 00:36:37,960 --> 00:36:41,500 think I'm going to urgent care because my neck hasn't stopped doing this. It's only been two 653 00:36:41,500 --> 00:36:47,540 and a half hours and it won't stop. And she said, Norma, hang up the phone, call 911 and don't get 654 00:36:47,540 --> 00:36:55,320 in the car. I hang up the phone. I say, man, we alcoholics, we're so dramatic, man. I don't listen. 655 00:36:55,720 --> 00:37:01,840 I get in the car, drive up and down on the, I'm good. I start driving. Okay. My neck hasn't stopped. 656 00:37:01,900 --> 00:37:06,400 And then all of a sudden I noticed that every vein in my hand is jumping on the steering wheel. 657 00:37:06,400 --> 00:37:12,600 I go, this is a scary movie because they're all popping like that. I go, wow. So then I start 658 00:37:12,600 --> 00:37:19,840 telling my heart, okay, baby, we're almost there. Do, do, do, do, do. Baby talking my heart. I get 659 00:37:19,840 --> 00:37:25,160 into urgent care and then my hands don't stop moving. Oh, sign language. And then they tell me 660 00:37:25,720 --> 00:37:29,740 help you here. You got to go to emergency. And I go do these hands. Look like I could go to 661 00:37:29,740 --> 00:37:35,260 emergency. The point is they said too much coffee and too much Nicorette gum because I'm healthy, 662 00:37:35,260 --> 00:37:42,480 you know? And, and the reason I tell you this is because this is not a good place. This is not a 663 00:37:42,480 --> 00:37:48,880 good, I will always be unfinished business. I'm never going to arrive. I have gotten to live two 664 00:37:48,880 --> 00:37:55,460 lifestyles in one lifetime and I never did a good deed to deserve it. It's been for free and for fun. 665 00:37:55,720 --> 00:37:57,600 With some conditions. Thank you.