1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:29,500 Hi, I'm Sharon, alcoholic. It's good to be here. Thank you, Oscar. Finally made it. I'm glad. And John, thanks for the welcome. Where's John? There you are. He's got it all down. And for letting me in the bathroom. Crazy key. Oh, and thank you, Sophie and Eddie for your talks. I really appreciated warming me up because I come sit here with this meeting and any meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, it makes sense to me to sit with you. So I know I'm an alcoholic. It still makes sense to me. And I forget sometimes that 2 00:00:30,000 --> 00:00:37,480 there's hope. I don't know about you guys, but thank you. And Irene and Sharon and Nancy for being 3 00:00:37,480 --> 00:00:45,460 here. What? Move the cup. Oh, who needs a cup? I got a bottle. That's funny. I didn't know you're 4 00:00:45,460 --> 00:00:54,820 awake. Sorry. We've been going since like six o'clock this morning. So on a Saturday, that's 5 00:00:54,820 --> 00:00:59,340 sincere for me. I could not do that if I wasn't sober. I'll tell you that. I wouldn't have made 6 00:00:59,340 --> 00:01:05,880 it, I don't think, out of a nice cold morning bar where I could, you know, meet my doctor friend 7 00:01:05,880 --> 00:01:11,240 and my lawyer friend and my astronaut friend. You know, everybody's something in a bar. And that's 8 00:01:11,240 --> 00:01:15,420 why I love the bars. You could be anything you wanted to be. And that's why I loved alcohol 9 00:01:15,420 --> 00:01:21,360 because it allowed me to not care and not care. When I drank alcohol for the first time, it was 10 00:01:21,360 --> 00:01:29,020 like, I don't know, the word is omnipotence. It's like it was powerful. It allowed that loud head I 11 00:01:29,020 --> 00:01:35,920 had as a little girl that was always telling me something like, you know, the ghosts are out 12 00:01:35,920 --> 00:01:40,460 there or it's under the bed or listen to that noise or it's really dark and there's things in 13 00:01:40,460 --> 00:01:46,740 the dark or, you know, jump off that cliff or, you know, whatever it was, you know, just allowed 14 00:01:46,740 --> 00:01:52,460 that voice that was loud. They all got drunk. All those voices got drunk. I didn't have to sort 15 00:01:52,460 --> 00:01:56,400 them out. Who's on my side? Who's not on my side? And then they change clothes in the middle of the 16 00:01:56,400 --> 00:01:59,000 night and then you don't know who's who in your head. And this is what I did. I didn't have to 17 00:01:59,020 --> 00:02:02,680 do anything. This was me as a little girl. My mother said we had to keep you busy. So I was in 18 00:02:02,680 --> 00:02:08,560 a lot of activities. And I am the only alcoholic that I know. Maybe one more is working on it in 19 00:02:08,560 --> 00:02:14,640 my family. So it's not like, and that's just recent. So I was the one that stood out. I was 20 00:02:14,640 --> 00:02:20,380 the one that had more energy than most. I was the one that asked too many questions. I was the 21 00:02:20,380 --> 00:02:25,040 oversensitive one. I was the one that ran down the street and made them stop the car so I could 22 00:02:25,040 --> 00:02:29,000 give grandpa, my favorite grandpa, a hug again because he's going to die before I get him. 23 00:02:29,020 --> 00:02:37,060 It was always, in my head, drama. But on the outside, I could put it on and smile and get my 24 00:02:37,060 --> 00:02:43,040 way and whatever. But I had that loud head. So when I drank alcohol, all those voices got drunk. 25 00:02:43,220 --> 00:02:50,780 They just all got drunk and said, let's party. And so I could take a breath and my trainer bra 26 00:02:50,780 --> 00:02:58,260 woke up that night. I got very sexy when I was like 12, 13 years old and skinny as a rail. But 27 00:02:59,020 --> 00:03:07,060 I said, move on over 38D. I'm in town. And it was a good time. And before that, I had been on a 28 00:03:07,060 --> 00:03:13,620 spiritual search, which I always was on a spiritual search. I don't know. I meet a lot of seekers in 29 00:03:13,620 --> 00:03:19,580 AA. And the beautiful part about being sober is that if your feet are firmly planted, as the book 30 00:03:19,580 --> 00:03:25,280 says, we can continue to seek. Bill gave us that. I think it's awesome because we're never going to 31 00:03:25,280 --> 00:03:28,120 get there. We're never going to get to perfection. 32 00:03:29,020 --> 00:03:34,340 Or whatever it is. Anyway, I don't think I will here on this earth, but I can keep trying. And I 33 00:03:34,340 --> 00:03:41,960 love the quest of trying to get closer to my God all the time. It's a freedom that I have now that 34 00:03:41,960 --> 00:03:46,280 I found in Alcoholics Anonymous. But when I was little, I sat in the cornfields in Iowa looking 35 00:03:46,280 --> 00:03:51,720 for the mothership because I knew they left me in Iowa. So I knew that they were going to come back 36 00:03:51,720 --> 00:03:58,580 and get me and take me. And I just was always seeking. And I wanted to be like Gandhi. 37 00:03:59,020 --> 00:04:03,360 And I wanted to be, yeah, he got assassinated. And I looked, I didn't know that. I was, you know, 38 00:04:03,420 --> 00:04:08,720 I was, he got assassinated before I was into Gandhi. And then I was looking at a Life magazine. 39 00:04:08,720 --> 00:04:14,800 It was like, what? You know, so that, you know, why go to India? Why fast? Just drink some Canadian 40 00:04:14,800 --> 00:04:21,480 club and you, you know, feels like you've had an awakening, you know? And so the spirits I was 41 00:04:21,480 --> 00:04:26,320 seeking were in the spirits of the bottle. They worked for me. And it didn't do that for my good 42 00:04:26,320 --> 00:04:29,000 friend. It didn't do that for some people I ran with. 43 00:04:29,020 --> 00:04:33,800 I mean, later on, it sorted us all out. Later on, it was like, nah, I'm going to drink with you. 44 00:04:34,400 --> 00:04:40,560 Later on, it was like, just stand back and, you know, leave me alone. I'm not hurting anybody. 45 00:04:41,080 --> 00:04:46,260 I mean, I'm not hurting anyone but me. Leave me alone. And so my defiance came out. I'm extremely 46 00:04:46,260 --> 00:04:52,620 defiant. I'm extremely independent. And I'm a survivor, as we all are, because we get to sit 47 00:04:52,620 --> 00:04:57,660 here. We all get to sit here. We have survived whatever war it was out there. And we get to come 48 00:04:57,660 --> 00:04:59,000 in here and share experiences. 49 00:04:59,020 --> 00:05:04,020 We get to experience strength and hope to help others. So what our experience has done in 50 00:05:04,020 --> 00:05:08,740 Alcoholics Anonymous, we get to turn that experience into helping another so that their 51 00:05:08,740 --> 00:05:12,480 mother can sleep at night. Because my mother slept at night for years and years and years 52 00:05:12,480 --> 00:05:16,460 because of you, because of you. Because she didn't know many times where her daughter was 53 00:05:16,460 --> 00:05:22,560 out of three girls and she had a son. So there were four of us. And I was the one that gave her 54 00:05:22,560 --> 00:05:28,380 sleepless, sleepless nights. And little do we know when you come in here that, 55 00:05:28,380 --> 00:05:35,640 all those, you know, that inventory and all that whole big list and, you know, the amends that we're 56 00:05:35,640 --> 00:05:39,940 going to have to make. And of course, it started with old boyfriends. I wanted to kind of see how 57 00:05:39,940 --> 00:05:45,900 I look now, see how I am now. You know, you lose, right? You know, she just scratched those right 58 00:05:45,900 --> 00:05:51,320 off the list. But there were a lot of tough ones on that list. And a lot of them didn't get to come 59 00:05:51,320 --> 00:05:57,720 true until I stayed sober a while. And then it would manifest itself, you know. So I'm still in 60 00:05:57,720 --> 00:06:05,520 the learning phase here. You know, I'm, I'm, I'm 43 years and three weeks and seven days sober 61 00:06:05,520 --> 00:06:15,240 to three, am I 40? When am I? 40, 11 and three weeks and seven days, eight days. All right, 62 00:06:15,300 --> 00:06:19,920 whatever. It's, it's August 20th is going to be my birthday if I hang in there. I don't know. I 63 00:06:19,920 --> 00:06:24,820 can't figure it out tonight. I've been up too long. I'm saturated in the brain. I've been doing 64 00:06:24,820 --> 00:06:27,960 mental things all day long. You know, scripts. 65 00:06:28,100 --> 00:06:33,560 And things like that. And it's just, it's taxing. It's taxing. I'm going, where's my coffee? Where's 66 00:06:33,560 --> 00:06:40,860 my Diet Coke? I need something. But I'm, I'm definitely, I forgot, you know, it's interesting. 67 00:06:41,280 --> 00:06:48,630 July 27th, 1975 was the day that I had my surrender. And so that's 44 years ago today. 68 00:06:48,630 --> 00:06:54,130 I didn't realize that Nancy, who was driving told me, oh, she waited to drop the mic on me 69 00:06:54,130 --> 00:06:58,370 right before coming here. It's July 27th. Remember? I was like, oh, it's July 27th. 70 00:06:58,390 --> 00:07:03,550 It's the day they left me off the side of the road. It's the day they left me with my jaw broken 71 00:07:03,550 --> 00:07:09,670 in three places and scraped up and bruised up and concussioned and no, you know, just if I wouldn't 72 00:07:09,670 --> 00:07:14,010 have had such good bones, there would have been a lot more things broken. And it was, it's the day 73 00:07:14,010 --> 00:07:19,130 I laid in a ditch and, and I heard a voice that said, get up. I want to live. And I think that I, 74 00:07:19,130 --> 00:07:26,890 I think that I grabbed the grace because we all get it. Grace is everywhere all the time. And I 75 00:07:26,890 --> 00:07:28,250 grabbed the grace that morning. 76 00:07:28,390 --> 00:07:33,590 Not knowing. All it was, was a will to live. That's all. And I hadn't had that will in a long 77 00:07:33,590 --> 00:07:42,430 time. And I was 25 years old, going on 26 in two weeks. And I ended up on a gurney in Palm Springs 78 00:07:42,430 --> 00:07:47,430 with the police there. I have no ID. I have nothing. I have no clothes. I have nothing. 79 00:07:47,810 --> 00:07:54,110 And I had to write my name as they were prepping me to put my jaw back on my face for surgery. 80 00:07:54,110 --> 00:07:57,510 And I saw the word victim. And I was like, yes. 81 00:07:58,390 --> 00:08:03,390 It's like, I was shooting for something like that. I mean, it was like, call home and say, 82 00:08:03,530 --> 00:08:10,250 look at, I really am a victim. And that was my defiance, but that broken face couldn't have 83 00:08:10,250 --> 00:08:14,810 smiled. I couldn't talk. So I just, I was in the hospital for two weeks and my mother didn't know 84 00:08:14,810 --> 00:08:19,350 for two days what shape I was in because they didn't tell her what hospital I was in. So she 85 00:08:19,350 --> 00:08:24,130 had to call and my sister back East had to call and they had to find me and find out I was going 86 00:08:24,130 --> 00:08:28,090 to be okay. And then my mother lost sleep those two nights, but I'm not hurting anyone but me. 87 00:08:28,390 --> 00:08:34,470 And that's where my alcoholism took me. I didn't, you know, it didn't just roll right into there. 88 00:08:34,530 --> 00:08:38,310 I tried a lot of things. I have a chapter three, you know, I went to work in an ad agency in New 89 00:08:38,310 --> 00:08:45,410 York city. I went to college for a little while. I had a fake ID and a lot of fun. And, and I used 90 00:08:45,410 --> 00:08:49,970 to like to go to protests and get tear gassed. And, you know, cause, cause I was just pissed 91 00:08:49,970 --> 00:08:55,650 off. I had my boyfriend who was, we got lava leered and then I got, you know, which was a 92 00:08:55,650 --> 00:08:58,370 big thing. And the sorority, which I said, I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. 93 00:08:58,370 --> 00:09:02,670 And I said goodbye to them too, because they, they didn't like my friends. And then we got, 94 00:09:02,750 --> 00:09:07,430 we got, we had got an engagement and we had a date to get married and he cheated on me. And 95 00:09:07,430 --> 00:09:12,250 I thought, well, if that's what that's all about, I'm not going to get that close to anybody 96 00:09:12,250 --> 00:09:20,890 anymore. So I, I really didn't. I had, you know, boyfriends, but I guess if you could call 97 00:09:21,090 --> 00:09:28,050 that a boyfriend, but maybe for, you know, the night or I had one boyfriend, 98 00:09:28,370 --> 00:09:33,110 we met with a carnival. Now, I mean, that was, that was the day that my mother started to cry 99 00:09:33,110 --> 00:09:39,050 on the phone. You did what? You're where? You joined what? I said, come on, mom, I'm writing 100 00:09:39,050 --> 00:09:45,110 a book, you know? And, and it was just like, God, I can't even call home. And that boyfriend, 101 00:09:45,290 --> 00:09:50,370 we were together for two years, but we hated each other. We hated each other, but you leave first. 102 00:09:50,370 --> 00:09:57,750 No, you leave first. You leave first. And it was just insanity. I mean, insanity. Everything I had 103 00:09:57,750 --> 00:10:04,610 as a beautiful little innocent child of God coming into this world, I drank away. And I remember 104 00:10:04,610 --> 00:10:10,830 the time when I was, maybe I was, I had run away from my dad and I had a fight. I went to New York. 105 00:10:10,930 --> 00:10:18,150 I worked at an ad agency. I, I drank. I, it was the summer of orange sunshine. It was 1969. It 106 00:10:18,150 --> 00:10:23,530 was a lot of fun. And, and, um, I never slept, I don't think. And the bars were open till four 107 00:10:23,530 --> 00:10:27,730 and they drank two hour martini lunches every day. It was fabulous. And, but some, 108 00:10:27,750 --> 00:10:32,170 somewhere along the line, um, King Alcohol was going to say, slide across the bar, your art 109 00:10:32,170 --> 00:10:37,270 talent now, which that's what I did. I went to go to art school. I was in art school and then I 110 00:10:37,270 --> 00:10:42,030 couldn't paint anymore, but King Alcohol wanted it. I gave it, um, because I went back to school. 111 00:10:42,130 --> 00:10:46,310 I said to my father, I promise I'll try. He said, okay, we'll give you another chance. 112 00:10:46,670 --> 00:10:52,510 And I went to art school and I couldn't paint at all. It was like gone. So I went to Colorado 113 00:10:52,810 --> 00:10:57,070 and somewhere in Colorado, I had a slide across the bar, my dignity. 114 00:10:57,750 --> 00:11:01,690 If it would have been so clear that night at the Mountain Man Bar in Aspen, Colorado, 115 00:11:01,950 --> 00:11:06,630 it's time to slide across the bar, your dignity. If you want to go down the road with King Alcohol, 116 00:11:07,110 --> 00:11:13,470 what's my choice? King Alcohol wins every time. And, you know, and then I came to California for 117 00:11:13,470 --> 00:11:18,990 the first time with Bob Dylan. And, um, I think it was Bob Dylan. Not really sure. Um, it was a 118 00:11:18,990 --> 00:11:24,010 very spiritual time. I don't remember very much of it, but, um, then I got kicked out of a commune 119 00:11:24,010 --> 00:11:29,090 for drinking their bong wine. Um, I, you know, cause people didn't drink like me. I got kicked 120 00:11:29,090 --> 00:11:33,450 out of a commune commune because they don't drink like me. I got kicked out, literally the kicked 121 00:11:33,450 --> 00:11:37,810 out of the carnival because they called, you know, the, we were in Bogalusa, Louisiana with the show 122 00:11:37,810 --> 00:11:43,070 and I had been, um, well starting fights on the midway cause I don't want to give up my teddy 123 00:11:43,070 --> 00:11:47,010 bear that night. And I'm just pissed off drinking my tequila. And these little kids think they're, 124 00:11:47,010 --> 00:11:50,430 you know, they're shooting three targets down because I had a shooting gallery and they get 125 00:11:50,430 --> 00:11:53,830 a teddy bear. If you shoot three targets and I'm drinking it, I don't care. No, you didn't. No, 126 00:11:54,010 --> 00:11:59,570 so then they would come back with their dads cause they were like 12, you know, and, 127 00:11:59,570 --> 00:12:05,000 and the dads would come and then I'd start a fight and then the Mesa come out and then everybody 128 00:12:05,000 --> 00:12:08,740 would jump over their, their flat stores. And then it was a whole big thing. And then we get 129 00:12:08,740 --> 00:12:13,660 asked to leave. And that happened a couple of times. And I had left, um, they had, I had left, 130 00:12:13,760 --> 00:12:19,000 this is like, so they asked me, they, they ended up calling the parish finest on me. And I ended 131 00:12:19,000 --> 00:12:23,440 up going to jail in Bogalusa, Louisiana and the carnival left town cause they didn't want me. 132 00:12:23,440 --> 00:12:28,260 And I had left to join the carnival and organic farm in Northern Wisconsin, 133 00:12:28,260 --> 00:12:33,080 where all I did was smoke pot and drool on themselves and play hootenanny music. And it 134 00:12:33,080 --> 00:12:37,720 was like, oh, you guys. And they would tell me to behave, go play the spoons, go sit in the corner, 135 00:12:37,820 --> 00:12:42,260 which is, you know, we had this guitar player here. He's like, and I just, oh, you guys are 136 00:12:42,260 --> 00:12:47,180 so boring. And they would sip this little organic wine and smoke all of their pot. But I was like 137 00:12:47,180 --> 00:12:52,460 drinking my tequila and cheap wine and they go, shh, behave, you know, and they left me, 138 00:12:52,460 --> 00:12:53,320 but they left me. 139 00:12:53,440 --> 00:12:58,920 With a lot of crop we planted. So, um, Maui Waui seed. So, you know, but they didn't want, 140 00:12:58,960 --> 00:13:03,760 it's like, when I look back, I go, God, you know, all these places that were living on the edge, 141 00:13:03,860 --> 00:13:08,480 people living on the edge, people looking for another lifestyle, which I was too, would say, 142 00:13:08,840 --> 00:13:14,260 uh-uh, she's got, oh, that's kind of a testimony to King Alcohol. That's all I got to say. And, 143 00:13:14,480 --> 00:13:19,100 uh, I just, oh man, somewhere along the line, I had to slide across the bar, 144 00:13:19,100 --> 00:13:22,740 the love of my mom and dad and my parents and my, you know, my legacy. 145 00:13:23,440 --> 00:13:27,780 And, you know, my history and all of that, I had to just slide it across because it was too painful 146 00:13:27,780 --> 00:13:33,480 to go home. It was too painful to call home. It was too painful to be the one that, you know, 147 00:13:33,540 --> 00:13:39,060 sat with, they, my, they sat me with the children again at grandma's house for Thanksgiving. I 148 00:13:39,060 --> 00:13:45,780 didn't, I had made the big table and now I'm back on the porch with the children. So I saw, well, 149 00:13:45,780 --> 00:13:50,880 I see what they think of me, you know, cause I'm always defiance and defiance kept me rolling. 150 00:13:50,880 --> 00:13:55,940 Defiance kept me alive. Defiance kept me pushing it, pushing the envelope and pushing the 151 00:13:55,940 --> 00:14:01,360 envelope. And, and it caused a lot of trouble. And, you know, after I got, uh, out of, out of 152 00:14:01,360 --> 00:14:08,100 jail, I was with that boyfriend. Uh, we met up again and, um, he had a pet skunk named Crank and 153 00:14:08,100 --> 00:14:12,860 we had, um, he ended up getting a snake cause he wanted to torture me with putting the mice in 154 00:14:12,860 --> 00:14:19,380 there. And I had a dog and we lived above a biker bar down in, um, lower part of St. Peter's street 155 00:14:19,380 --> 00:14:20,840 in the quarter. And one day, 156 00:14:20,880 --> 00:14:25,420 my mom and dad showed up at the door cause they hadn't heard from me in a while or seen me. And, 157 00:14:25,520 --> 00:14:32,800 um, this is a great man, my dad and a beautiful, one of the kindest, even my son says, you know, 158 00:14:32,880 --> 00:14:40,700 grandma was the kindest woman I ever met, the kindest person I ever knew. Um, and I'm glad 159 00:14:40,700 --> 00:14:47,140 some people in AA got to meet her and know her and love her like I did too. Um, and, and they 160 00:14:47,140 --> 00:14:50,540 came and saw their daughter with a black eye, uh, 161 00:14:50,880 --> 00:14:58,120 platinum blonde wig, you know, crazy outfit from, you know, dancing for Chris Owens the night before 162 00:14:58,120 --> 00:15:04,580 platinum shoes, you know, platform shoes. And yeah, it's just like fishnet stockings and just 163 00:15:04,580 --> 00:15:10,560 makeup and craziness. And I had just gotten home. It was morning and crazy, crazy man was there. 164 00:15:10,660 --> 00:15:16,700 The snake wrapped around his arm. I can't even imagine. I can't even imagine. And when they 165 00:15:16,700 --> 00:15:20,860 went home that day, I went and sat down in the mousetrap bar and I ordered my Jose Cuervo, 166 00:15:20,880 --> 00:15:26,560 nice and neat and a big rock glass to the top. No salt, no lime. I don't know how many I downed 167 00:15:26,560 --> 00:15:33,120 before I realized it didn't put the fire out. It didn't tell me I didn't care. It didn't give me 168 00:15:33,120 --> 00:15:39,600 that. Just go back to Iowa. Leave me alone. It didn't give me the fire I needed to go on. And 169 00:15:39,600 --> 00:15:44,800 if I could have run down the street and stopped their car and crawled in the back and laid down, 170 00:15:44,800 --> 00:15:50,800 cause I was tired. I was probably about 22 then. I was tired. Um, I knew it wasn't going to 171 00:15:50,800 --> 00:15:50,860 change. I knew it wasn't going to change. I knew it wasn't going to change. I knew it wasn't going 172 00:15:50,860 --> 00:15:56,060 to change. I didn't know alcoholism. I really didn't know alcoholism. And we had a town drunk 173 00:15:56,060 --> 00:15:59,400 in our little town, Mount Vernon, Iowa. We had a town drunk and he would come 174 00:15:59,400 --> 00:16:04,520 and borrow a bottle from my dad because my dad had a business. And back in the day, 175 00:16:04,520 --> 00:16:10,300 they had state run liquor stores. So you had to literally go to a state run liquor store to get 176 00:16:10,300 --> 00:16:15,520 your, you know, your, they had like a number and it was on the seal and the whole bit. And so my 177 00:16:15,520 --> 00:16:20,780 dad had a business. So he had, um, he had a bar and it was like, he had the two ham signs. It 178 00:16:20,780 --> 00:16:26,200 was Redwood. It was half round. It was, I love that bar in the basement. It was awesome. But, 179 00:16:26,280 --> 00:16:30,940 you know, John would come and he was the town drunk and he would get a bottle and I would tell 180 00:16:30,940 --> 00:16:35,120 my dad he was there. Cause if he wasn't there, then I would get two bottles. I would tell my 181 00:16:35,120 --> 00:16:40,200 dad, John borrowed two bottles, you know? So I always got a bottle. I dug it when John came by 182 00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:45,340 and my dad wasn't home. And, um, I hope I remember to tie up that story about John too, because, 183 00:16:45,340 --> 00:16:50,700 um, man, you just never know how the ripples are going to connect. You just, 184 00:16:50,700 --> 00:16:55,800 don't know how the tapestry is going to be woven back here so that it looks good on the other 185 00:16:55,800 --> 00:17:04,980 side. Oh my. But yeah. Um, after, um, just being in blackouts and I was on my way to Hawaii and I 186 00:17:04,980 --> 00:17:13,100 was, had become unemployable in the French quarter with the local bars and we all knew each other 187 00:17:13,100 --> 00:17:18,380 and nobody had a bad attitude. So I got fired from the last one. And so I was on my way to 188 00:17:18,380 --> 00:17:20,300 Hawaii. I ended up, um, with, uh, 189 00:17:20,700 --> 00:17:26,280 a cocktail waitress job on La Cienega Boulevard. Cause I got stuck here because my traveling 190 00:17:26,280 --> 00:17:31,860 companion, I think came out of a blackout and went, oh no, uh, I'll go, I'm going to the bathroom. 191 00:17:31,860 --> 00:17:36,960 Never came back. Um, and, and they asked me to leave after, like, I couldn't remember where the 192 00:17:36,960 --> 00:17:42,600 drinks went. I was standing in the middle of the dance floor going, I didn't know. And the owner, 193 00:17:42,600 --> 00:17:46,080 whoever he was, had to come up to me and take the drinks and say, you know, we're going to pay her 194 00:17:46,080 --> 00:17:50,580 for the night. Please don't come back. And I had, um, my gallbladder removed. I had a 195 00:17:50,580 --> 00:17:50,680 pancreas removed. Um, and I had, um, I had my gallbladder removed. I had pancreas removed. I had 196 00:17:50,680 --> 00:17:54,180 pancreatitis. I had spots on my face. I don't know if they were liver spots or not, but I had 197 00:17:54,180 --> 00:17:59,660 spots on my face. Um, I had, there were, I mean, I'm a blackout drinker. I'm, you know, I'm sure 198 00:17:59,660 --> 00:18:03,860 I had a lot of fun in a lot of my blackouts, but I would come to in places I didn't know people and 199 00:18:03,860 --> 00:18:09,680 who I was with and why they were mad at me. And that was, uh, my drinking. And I had become, 200 00:18:10,000 --> 00:18:14,700 I had no place to live. And sometimes somebody would give me a bed or a floor to sleep on. 201 00:18:14,700 --> 00:18:20,560 Um, I drank at Barney's Beanery, the rain check room, after hours places. Um, I had to get to the 202 00:18:20,560 --> 00:18:24,480 liquor store before it was white when Cal Worthington came on that little black and white 203 00:18:24,480 --> 00:18:29,480 TV of the floor I was sleeping on. This girl let me sleep on her floor for about a week. And it was 204 00:18:29,480 --> 00:18:38,160 that the liquor store was forever away. And I was like paranoid. I was afraid to go outside. I was, 205 00:18:38,280 --> 00:18:42,280 it's, you know, I got to go to the liquor store. It's dark. I have to go to the liquor store. And 206 00:18:42,280 --> 00:18:46,580 I would like hide in the bushes and all the way. It just seemed like it was such a trek, but it was, 207 00:18:46,580 --> 00:18:50,440 I drove by it. It was two doors down. I drove by it and survived. It was two doors down 208 00:18:50,440 --> 00:18:55,900 and it was the biggest trek in the world to get from that floor to get my booze, to get back so I 209 00:18:55,900 --> 00:19:00,260 could keep passing out. And every time I'd come to, it seemed like she was moving out. Then pieces 210 00:19:00,260 --> 00:19:05,980 were gone. Like, you know, things were gone. And, uh, she had, um, been an in and out member of 211 00:19:05,980 --> 00:19:10,680 Alcoholics Anonymous. And when I was sitting in Barney's Beanery one night, um, they took away 212 00:19:10,680 --> 00:19:14,620 her keys and she was getting, I guess her court card signed because people were passing it down 213 00:19:14,620 --> 00:19:19,500 the bar, signing it. And, you know, and he said, you're not going to drive drunk to your AA meeting. 214 00:19:20,440 --> 00:19:25,420 So I called a taxi, took away her keys and, and we all gave her a toast as she went out the door, 215 00:19:25,420 --> 00:19:31,120 go for your crush, go to AMA, you know, and I, she had the big book. I'm 180 pounds of bloated, 216 00:19:31,120 --> 00:19:38,260 toxic, blech, just, I didn't take care of myself. Um, I had a red dashiki, a Panama hat and a book, 217 00:19:38,260 --> 00:19:44,740 Be Here Now by Baba Ram Dass in my backpack. And that's about it. And that's, uh, when I ended up 218 00:19:44,740 --> 00:19:50,420 getting on a motorcycle with some people going out to the desert. And we stopped a couple, a couple of 219 00:19:50,440 --> 00:19:55,840 places and I guess I ended up in a nightclub in a blackout. And I guess I ended up with these guys 220 00:19:55,840 --> 00:20:02,620 that, uh, you know, did me some big harm. And I don't remember much about that night. I remember 221 00:20:02,620 --> 00:20:08,160 coming to, and I remember I stopped screaming. I stopped fighting for my life and I hadn't done 222 00:20:08,160 --> 00:20:12,320 that before. And, uh, you know, back in the day we hitchhiked north, south, east, west, 223 00:20:12,320 --> 00:20:20,420 all over the place. I drove drunk all over the place. Um, I, I think it was up, 224 00:20:20,440 --> 00:20:26,320 up in West Hollywood. I did rear end a couple of cars and my bumper got stuck, so I couldn't leave. 225 00:20:26,320 --> 00:20:30,840 Right. You know, my bumper's stuck on their bumper. So I'm jumping up and down trying to 226 00:20:30,840 --> 00:20:35,800 get my bumper undone. There's people looking out the window. So I, I take a piece of paper and I 227 00:20:35,800 --> 00:20:39,640 pretend like I'm writing a note and I put it on the window. It's nothing. It's a blank piece of 228 00:20:39,640 --> 00:20:45,180 paper. And this older couple, um, asked me if I was okay. I was really drunk, but they let me come 229 00:20:45,180 --> 00:20:50,040 up and I called the red and white cab comp, comping out. And if anybody remembers them, but, um, 230 00:20:50,040 --> 00:20:54,900 you could get anything from the red and white cab company. They were like the number to call for 231 00:20:54,900 --> 00:21:01,120 anything you wanted to take or anything. So they came and unhooked my car and got me away because 232 00:21:01,120 --> 00:21:07,280 it was still drivable. And, and I remember my early sobriety when I had a car, one of my first 233 00:21:07,280 --> 00:21:11,500 cars that was sitting on the street. And I woke up one morning, I looked and it was all meshed. 234 00:21:11,920 --> 00:21:18,680 I thought, okay, now I know how they felt. You know, I just, I couldn't get mad. You know, 235 00:21:18,680 --> 00:21:19,920 it's just, uh, it wasn't. 236 00:21:20,040 --> 00:21:26,700 Payback. It was just, okay, now I know how they felt. Right. So, um, yeah, I, I ended up in the 237 00:21:26,700 --> 00:21:31,460 hospital and I ended up at a guy's place that said I could stay with him. Then I had to go to court. 238 00:21:31,560 --> 00:21:38,720 They caught these two guys and I just, I wasn't, I was wired up for sound and I had a tooth kicked 239 00:21:38,720 --> 00:21:43,560 out. So I would drink this cheap wine that he'd buy me before I go to work through the wires of 240 00:21:43,560 --> 00:21:48,140 my mouth where the tooth had been. And I would sit there and drink wine for, I think it was about a 241 00:21:48,140 --> 00:21:50,020 week. I'm trying to think of how long it was. 242 00:21:50,040 --> 00:21:56,980 It was about a week. And, um, I was exhausted and I was very rummy cause I had been concussioned. 243 00:21:57,140 --> 00:22:00,400 And, and one day he came and he said, you know, you got to leave. You're depressing me. 244 00:22:00,800 --> 00:22:08,560 I was like, I had nowhere to go, nowhere to go. So, um, I called my mom collect and my mom had 245 00:22:08,560 --> 00:22:13,560 found out I was okay. And then she didn't go to try to save me, you know, the two, 246 00:22:13,560 --> 00:22:20,260 after two days of calling hospitals. And I called my mom on August 20th, 1975. And there used to be 247 00:22:20,560 --> 00:22:24,800 a speaker around called Norm Alpe. I don't know if you remember Norm Alpe, any of you, but he used 248 00:22:24,800 --> 00:22:29,520 to talk about seconds and inches. And when he said that, I was like, oh, I get it. It's by seconds 249 00:22:29,520 --> 00:22:33,800 and inches that we're here. It's just by just that left turn instead of a right turn, just meeting 250 00:22:33,800 --> 00:22:39,300 that person, just being that tired that day, just grasping at actually calling somebody, showing 251 00:22:39,300 --> 00:22:44,520 whatever it is. It's just by seconds and inches that we are the lucky ones to be here. I think 252 00:22:44,520 --> 00:22:50,540 about the ones that don't get to be here and what a gift it is to actually be a part of it. And I 253 00:22:50,560 --> 00:22:55,000 want to be able to come here and sit with you and to have this program be a place that makes sense 254 00:22:55,000 --> 00:23:00,240 for me, a place that I don't get the world out there. You know, I mean, if I had a billion 255 00:23:00,240 --> 00:23:06,120 dollars, I'd be doing all kinds of work out there doing as much as I could to, I wouldn't, I wouldn't 256 00:23:06,120 --> 00:23:11,440 care at all if I'm driving an old car, if I had that money to go help the world in any way possible, 257 00:23:11,440 --> 00:23:15,440 but I would come sit in my Alcoholics Anonymous meeting because you're my people. 258 00:23:15,660 --> 00:23:20,120 This is where it makes sense. This is where I get to hear chapter five and remember, 259 00:23:20,560 --> 00:23:26,300 that I'm an alcoholic no matter what, that, you know, the cucumber has become the pickle. There's 260 00:23:26,300 --> 00:23:32,300 no turning back ever. I take one drink and I don't, I start in a ditch. I start in a ditch. 261 00:23:32,540 --> 00:23:36,980 There's no pretty glasses. And I mean, we all, I mean, we all have it. We share that like the 262 00:23:36,980 --> 00:23:41,740 drunk dreams. I remember when I had drunk dreams, my sponsor said, well, drinking people don't have 263 00:23:41,740 --> 00:23:46,120 drunk dreams. Oh, okay. I guess I'm sober. I'm having a drunk dream, you know? So that made 264 00:23:46,120 --> 00:23:50,300 sense to me. And I was walking by a bar, maybe it was about eight years ago. And somebody said, 265 00:23:50,300 --> 00:23:56,280 here's your apple martini. I went, you know, I'd never, you know, so it's, it's, it's like that 266 00:23:56,280 --> 00:24:02,280 reptilian brain, man. It remembers back down there what it's like, you know, it still remembers that 267 00:24:02,280 --> 00:24:06,860 little, that little part of our reptilian brain, I believe is saturated, you know, and it's just, 268 00:24:07,080 --> 00:24:13,540 oh, but we come in here and we, we, you know, we, we get what we need to go out again in the world 269 00:24:13,540 --> 00:24:19,460 that I don't understand. And I get to connect with you and just one phone call my friend, Sandy B, 270 00:24:19,460 --> 00:24:20,180 Sandy B. 271 00:24:20,300 --> 00:24:25,540 She's not with us anymore. He used to talk about, man, back in the day, they had one meeting a week. 272 00:24:25,720 --> 00:24:30,220 Those people had to connect with each other. They had to find God. It was like they had 273 00:24:30,220 --> 00:24:35,720 one meeting a week. So they were like finding each other and going to weeding gardens together, 274 00:24:35,720 --> 00:24:40,300 but they hung together. And I just think it's like, there's, you know, some, you talked about 275 00:24:40,300 --> 00:24:43,580 being in the valley meetings. There's one down the street. There's one over there. There's one 276 00:24:43,580 --> 00:24:49,040 upstairs. There's so many meetings here. It's, we're so lucky. My husband used to say you can 277 00:24:49,040 --> 00:24:53,260 parachute in anywhere in the world, find an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. You'll find the 278 00:24:53,260 --> 00:24:59,080 best place to eat. You'll find, you know, the best place to go get a deal. You know what I mean? And 279 00:24:59,080 --> 00:25:03,560 when the meetings are and, and you've got a new friend to go have coffee with. What a fellowship 280 00:25:03,560 --> 00:25:09,620 we have, you know, but I have to, you know, I have to know too that, that I have to have my 281 00:25:09,620 --> 00:25:14,100 spiritual awakening in good shape. I have to have had that spiritual awakening and keep it in good 282 00:25:14,100 --> 00:25:18,180 shape because life will throw it at you. It just is. It's the way it is. 283 00:25:19,040 --> 00:25:24,380 Never heard anyone say to anybody in Alcoholics Anonymous, oh, we don't stay sober through that. 284 00:25:24,480 --> 00:25:29,280 So you got to leave. Never heard that said here. There's always somebody we can find 285 00:25:29,280 --> 00:25:35,140 that will help you walk through some tough stuff. Yeah. Because it's the language of the heart. 286 00:25:35,560 --> 00:25:39,360 And when I sat in my first meeting, it was August 20th. My mother said, 287 00:25:39,480 --> 00:25:44,140 Sharon, I can't help you anymore. Go to the Salvation Army. And if mother would have sent 288 00:25:44,140 --> 00:25:48,020 $20, you'd have another speaker, seconds and inches. And I called that girl, Chris, 289 00:25:49,040 --> 00:25:53,140 she was nice to me. She let me sleep on the floor. She was the one in the bar. I'm not relating any 290 00:25:53,140 --> 00:25:57,160 of this. I just called her because she was nice to me and I needed a place to stay. She was dating 291 00:25:57,160 --> 00:26:01,800 the guy that let me sleep on his couch because I had nowhere to go. And she said, I, I know what 292 00:26:01,800 --> 00:26:06,460 happened to you. I know where you belong, but I can't help you today. Something like that because 293 00:26:06,460 --> 00:26:11,380 she was drinking that day and she didn't make it. She was 31 when she died here, but she was there 294 00:26:11,380 --> 00:26:15,800 for me that day. And I, she said, you got to call this lady named Suzanne. I called a total stranger. 295 00:26:15,920 --> 00:26:19,020 I don't call strangers and ask for help, but I don't call strangers. And she said, I don't call strangers. 296 00:26:19,040 --> 00:26:26,740 I didn't talk. First three months in AA, that's what you had. You didn't ask me, how are you? You 297 00:26:26,740 --> 00:26:30,760 just said, oh, you look tired. I mean, how could you tell? I was beaten up and bruised up and 298 00:26:30,760 --> 00:26:37,600 couldn't talk. And I looked at, I didn't look up and I hadn't probably bathed or I detoxed in the 299 00:26:37,600 --> 00:26:42,120 room. Took me to one, somebody took me to one 12 step house and the lady took one look at me and 300 00:26:42,120 --> 00:26:46,860 went, no. I was like, I didn't even feel rejected. It was like, I don't care. You know, it's just 301 00:26:46,860 --> 00:26:49,020 like I had like, I was kind of bored. I was like, I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't 302 00:26:49,040 --> 00:26:57,320 of any sort of caring. And so I sat with you and you, you let me, I met the son of a woman who was 303 00:26:57,320 --> 00:27:01,940 very good to me when I was new, who died of alcoholism. And I did get to go see her in 304 00:27:01,940 --> 00:27:07,420 Atlanta and thank her. She, she couldn't sleep and I'm like, and you know, I can't eat, you know, 305 00:27:07,420 --> 00:27:12,580 so we go to the coffee shop and she'd have coffee and I'd sit there and then we would drive around 306 00:27:12,580 --> 00:27:18,000 the car until she would practically run out of gas until we would stop at these on ramps where 307 00:27:18,000 --> 00:27:18,780 there would be nobody. 308 00:27:19,040 --> 00:27:23,020 Back in 75, there were nobody on some of the freeways at night and we would just look at 309 00:27:23,020 --> 00:27:27,380 everything and she'd pontificate and then we'd get back in the car and she was really good to me. 310 00:27:27,560 --> 00:27:32,500 And we went to her son's house so I could have a place to stay. And he got either kicked out or 311 00:27:32,500 --> 00:27:37,240 had to pay three times the rent. And he said, I didn't know this. We were having, we were having 312 00:27:37,240 --> 00:27:42,100 dinner and he said, you were sitting in my, my, my room. I was talking to my mother and you were 313 00:27:42,100 --> 00:27:47,460 playing my guitar and you broke the string and you started to sob. So sobbing. And he said, 314 00:27:47,460 --> 00:27:49,020 I said something like, I can't do it. 315 00:27:49,040 --> 00:27:54,960 You know, I mean, oh man, he wasn't somebody that was going to be able to be a vibrant member 316 00:27:54,960 --> 00:28:01,380 of society. If you took a look at me that day, I'll tell you. But slowly, slowly, slowly with 317 00:28:01,380 --> 00:28:08,780 a lot of love, not even knowing I was getting it. A sponsor, I moved up to her couch when I 318 00:28:08,780 --> 00:28:14,980 got a sponsor. Get a sponsor, your life gets better. She made me say a little prayer at night 319 00:28:14,980 --> 00:28:17,980 because I was staying, she said, you're staying at my house. I want you to say a prayer at night. 320 00:28:17,980 --> 00:28:19,020 So I had this bar. 321 00:28:19,040 --> 00:28:23,000 I had this borrowed sleeping bag. I would slide out of the borrowed sleeping bag under the floor 322 00:28:23,000 --> 00:28:27,380 at maybe about one, two in the morning when the whole house was quiet because I didn't want 323 00:28:27,380 --> 00:28:34,920 anybody to know I was praying, especially God, especially God. I had left him in the church in 324 00:28:34,920 --> 00:28:40,480 Cedar Rapids, Iowa with my one fingered peace sign because the priest and I were having a huge 325 00:28:40,480 --> 00:28:45,720 discussion about some sort of politics. I like to get people mad and go, see, look at you, 326 00:28:45,720 --> 00:28:49,000 look at you. You're a hypocrite. I was really good at that. And that's, 327 00:28:49,040 --> 00:28:54,020 that's what I did to my dad. My dad would say, what is wrong with you? You want to know? I'll tell 328 00:28:54,020 --> 00:28:58,160 you. And I'll tell you everything that dad shouldn't know about their girls that he, I had 329 00:28:58,160 --> 00:29:03,320 to go through. You want to know all this? And he would just set his jaw at, cause I wouldn't let him 330 00:29:03,320 --> 00:29:10,880 help me. And, um, wow. So that first inventory was tough. That first inventory was tough. Um, 331 00:29:10,880 --> 00:29:16,010 and, uh, but there was a girl that was, there was a girl that came to the program eight days after 332 00:29:16,010 --> 00:29:18,230 me. Her name is Pat Wai. She used to be married to Vivi. He was, she was married to Vivi. She was, 333 00:29:18,230 --> 00:29:23,570 she was married to Vince Wai who passed away a few years ago. But Pat came in eight days after me, 334 00:29:23,570 --> 00:29:30,110 stole my thunder. Like I had some, right. I'm the, you know, I was the one passed along, 335 00:29:30,110 --> 00:29:34,970 but I was passed along to the second string. It felt like, uh, people watching me, you know, 336 00:29:34,970 --> 00:29:40,970 and Pat had all the first string, all the lipstick and the pretty clothes around her. And it seemed 337 00:29:40,970 --> 00:29:46,850 like to me, um, that she cried all the time. She just cried all the time. And so she took away a 338 00:29:46,850 --> 00:29:48,210 lot of my, um, my, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, 339 00:29:48,210 --> 00:29:55,230 attention. And like I, like I had a lot. And so they would say, oh, look at Pat. She's done 340 00:29:55,230 --> 00:30:03,170 her inventory already. And I was like, oh, Pat's doing her amends. And I would just like, oh, 341 00:30:03,670 --> 00:30:08,430 and it seemed like in, you know, when they would read chapter five, she'd look at me like, 342 00:30:08,550 --> 00:30:13,230 I know you haven't done yours. I've done mine. I'm amends. You know, she'd look had that, 343 00:30:13,450 --> 00:30:17,110 I'm better than you, like thin little blue lip kind of look like, 344 00:30:17,250 --> 00:30:17,470 hmm. 345 00:30:17,770 --> 00:30:18,830 Seemed like that's what she would say. 346 00:30:18,830 --> 00:30:26,350 was thinking. And, um, so I almost got drunk and I was back in Palm Springs at the, they used to 347 00:30:26,350 --> 00:30:31,410 have the roundup or what it was called that Chuck C and Johnny Harris put on. And it was in Palm 348 00:30:31,410 --> 00:30:37,450 Springs at the Riviera. And I was there and it was, uh, I was like having like, not flashbacks, 349 00:30:37,550 --> 00:30:41,890 but I was having like, I ran into my detective. I ran into the place, they drove by the place 350 00:30:41,890 --> 00:30:47,110 where it happened. It was just like, ah, so, you know, 10 months sober, I'm like, not very well 351 00:30:47,110 --> 00:30:53,090 wrapped yet. And I haven't done my inventory, right? So I'm having this moment Saturday night 352 00:30:53,090 --> 00:30:58,010 and I run up to this girl in our group and hug her and she says, oh, my sunburn, you know, 353 00:30:58,050 --> 00:31:02,850 and it's just like, that's it. I go buy some vodka. That's it. And I'm on my way. I can see 354 00:31:02,850 --> 00:31:07,790 the liquor store out that door across the street and I'm on my way to get some vodka. And there 355 00:31:07,790 --> 00:31:12,470 was a guy in our group named Duke. I don't know if anybody remembers Duke G, but he was, he was 356 00:31:12,470 --> 00:31:16,970 the kind of guy that kind of just, he just watched people and he'd stand, a very kind man. 357 00:31:17,110 --> 00:31:22,250 He was watching what was going on, I guess. Thank goodness. And I'm, I'm headed out the door and he 358 00:31:22,250 --> 00:31:26,430 just kind of took me and brought me back in. He said, what's going on? And then of course I broke 359 00:31:26,430 --> 00:31:31,330 and I cried and told him and he said, go get the vodka. Then you'll have less time than Pat. 360 00:31:34,990 --> 00:31:41,770 That woman kept me sober that night, kept me sober that night. And every August we still get 361 00:31:41,770 --> 00:31:46,350 to share birthdays, but I have those eight days that are still, you know. So I finally did it, 362 00:31:46,350 --> 00:31:47,030 went home. 363 00:31:47,110 --> 00:31:51,710 Made the amends. I was home for like 10 days. It was really good with my mom, with my dad. I hadn't 364 00:31:51,710 --> 00:31:56,750 done it, hadn't done it, hadn't done it. I mean, my dad and I hadn't sat down in the same breakfast 365 00:31:56,750 --> 00:32:01,630 table for years. My dad and I hadn't ridden in the same car. There was never anything physical 366 00:32:01,630 --> 00:32:06,870 between us, but you could cut the emotional pain if you sat in a room with us and we didn't look 367 00:32:06,870 --> 00:32:11,650 at each other and we didn't converse with each other. When, when I would have a little sojourn 368 00:32:11,650 --> 00:32:15,490 coming home, my mother would say, all right, but stay out of your dad's way because you break his 369 00:32:15,490 --> 00:32:16,890 heart. Yeah, thanks. You know. 370 00:32:16,890 --> 00:32:22,070 Which I did. And we ended up finally putting the bags in the car, going back to the airport, 371 00:32:22,190 --> 00:32:28,050 coming back to LA. I know that sponsor intimidated me and she would send me back on a plane if I 372 00:32:28,050 --> 00:32:33,590 hadn't done it. Thank goodness for intimidating sponsors. She was kind of wacky. She left like 373 00:32:33,590 --> 00:32:37,750 a duck. I could always tell when she was in the room and I felt safe when I could hear her quack, 374 00:32:37,830 --> 00:32:43,090 quack, quack. Oh, she's here. You know, it used to be embarrassing. Like I wasn't an embarrassing 375 00:32:43,090 --> 00:32:46,510 looking baby for first three months, you know, like, ugh. 376 00:32:46,890 --> 00:32:51,350 But, you know, she was, I always felt safe when she was, I could hear her in the room and I hadn't 377 00:32:51,350 --> 00:32:57,710 realized I hadn't felt safe in a long time. Just little things like that, that we hand over to 378 00:32:57,710 --> 00:33:01,770 King Alcohol, you know, just so it keeps working just because it's my running buddy, just because 379 00:33:01,770 --> 00:33:08,750 it's with me. And it's the only thing that, that I think understood me. And so, yeah, I just made 380 00:33:08,750 --> 00:33:15,330 those amends and I'm glad I did because my dad and I had a really good relationship. It took a while. 381 00:33:15,330 --> 00:33:15,770 Um, 382 00:33:16,890 --> 00:33:19,110 to see it. I know it's there. Thank you. There. 383 00:33:21,910 --> 00:33:29,190 I know it's there. Um, so yeah, my, um, my, it makes me nervous. My, um, my dad, 384 00:33:29,290 --> 00:33:35,750 you're not gonna turn it off, are you? The torture, torturing me here. Um, um, 385 00:33:36,110 --> 00:33:38,990 you remember when they opened the door and it was nighttime? I don't know if you know, 386 00:33:39,110 --> 00:33:43,290 like the French quarters 24 seven, we painted the windows black and somebody opened the door 387 00:33:43,290 --> 00:33:46,670 and the lights, the sun had come up, the lights were on, the sun was up. Ah, 388 00:33:46,890 --> 00:33:54,290 it's just like that. So, um, anyway, my dad was killed in 99 and we had gone full circle and I had 389 00:33:54,290 --> 00:33:59,650 made my financial amends to my dad, uh, with my sponsor was another woman that said, you know, 390 00:33:59,790 --> 00:34:03,810 are you willing to grow through this with your dad? What's growth of this? My dad, we've already, 391 00:34:03,890 --> 00:34:07,950 I've already called him. He read the big book and he walked me down the aisle. He read the big book 392 00:34:07,950 --> 00:34:12,090 at, you know, he knew that I was going to have to make financial amends and he had already run 393 00:34:12,090 --> 00:34:16,870 the calculator tape. So I, I, she said, are you willing to grow through this? She wanted, 394 00:34:16,870 --> 00:34:21,150 she wanted me to send the check on time every month because Bill and Bob are watching. She said, 395 00:34:21,250 --> 00:34:26,270 and she made me put a note with that check about my life. I have a Mensa older sister retired at 396 00:34:26,270 --> 00:34:30,710 50, a millionaire. I have a brother who's got a doctorate. I've got nurse Sally who got a four 397 00:34:30,710 --> 00:34:35,090 year nursing degree, moved to Alaska and has a beautiful life, had the horse, the ponytail, 398 00:34:35,290 --> 00:34:39,470 you know, and then there was me. So what am I going to tell dad about the jail panel I went on? 399 00:34:39,470 --> 00:34:46,070 You know what? But anyway, I did that check and that note, she said, insisted, 400 00:34:46,070 --> 00:34:50,270 said, yes, yes, I sent it. Yes, I sent it. Check of the note for almost five years. 401 00:34:51,010 --> 00:34:55,870 And we grew in that time without even knowing we grew. I had a trip home at least once a year. 402 00:34:56,190 --> 00:35:01,470 We had a root beer together and we sat at a picnic table on a summer night and my legs were swinging 403 00:35:01,470 --> 00:35:06,110 like a little girl, just having a talk with dad. I didn't know, I didn't know that the innocence 404 00:35:06,110 --> 00:35:10,530 was going to come back. And when, um, you know, when my dad was, he called me the day after 405 00:35:10,530 --> 00:35:14,330 Christmas, he said, Merry Christmas. I don't want your money anymore, but don't stop sending me your 406 00:35:14,330 --> 00:35:16,050 notes. And it was, you know, I didn't know that the innocence was going to come back. And when, 407 00:35:16,050 --> 00:35:16,890 um, I sent it. I sent it. I sent it. I sent it. I sent it. I sent it. I sent it. I sent it. I sent it. 408 00:35:16,890 --> 00:35:21,910 And it was, um, a beautiful moment for both of us. So, uh, yeah, he got killed on an accident on his 409 00:35:21,910 --> 00:35:30,310 land and, um, we were good. We were good. 99 that happened. And my mother, uh, my mother, uh, was 410 00:35:30,310 --> 00:35:38,170 brave and AA was there and my mother moved up to Madison, Wisconsin. And, um, I'm going back 411 00:35:38,170 --> 00:35:44,210 Wednesday to see my brother and his family and lay on the lake and have some time. And, but my mom, 412 00:35:44,210 --> 00:35:45,870 my mom was fabulous. 413 00:35:46,270 --> 00:35:50,830 So strong and so beautiful and loved all of you so much. Um, she would always say, 414 00:35:50,950 --> 00:35:54,950 how were you received? I'd say, I gotta go talk somewhere, mom. Okay. And then she'd say, 415 00:35:54,990 --> 00:35:58,970 how were you received? Were you well received? You know, and she always said, now remember your 416 00:35:58,970 --> 00:36:04,410 propers and thank the people. Um, and she came and sat with you and she came to my 40th birthday. 417 00:36:04,710 --> 00:36:12,790 And, um, no, it was my, it wasn't my 30th. My gosh. Yeah. Time flies. Wow. You know, um, I'm, 418 00:36:12,790 --> 00:36:16,210 I don't know how I can be 40 years sober. I'm just 50 years old. I swear to God. 419 00:36:17,230 --> 00:36:24,230 I'm claiming 55 cause I feel it. Uh, but a lot's happened. A lot's happened. I married the man and 420 00:36:24,230 --> 00:36:29,130 I got divorced with my husband who had the newcomer. It's a long story. Um, my mother told 421 00:36:29,130 --> 00:36:35,190 me after my dad had the big book and, you know, had done the calculator tape and I had made those 422 00:36:35,190 --> 00:36:42,190 amends that he, he called, um, he, no, the, the John, the town drunk came to my dad and complained 423 00:36:42,190 --> 00:36:46,250 about his wife. And my dad said to John, it's not Mary's fault. You're in trouble. He's in trouble. 424 00:36:46,270 --> 00:36:50,670 You're an alcoholic. Go to AA. It's helped my daughter. Maybe it'll help you. And gave him the 425 00:36:50,670 --> 00:36:58,490 book. So my dad, um, 12 step John because of you. And when I was talking in thousand Oaks years ago 426 00:36:58,490 --> 00:37:02,710 now, a girl came up to me that looked very familiar. And I talked about John that night 427 00:37:02,710 --> 00:37:06,590 cause I think my mother just told me, I mean, I didn't know this when my dad was alive. My mom 428 00:37:06,590 --> 00:37:11,670 told me after and she came up and she looked familiar. And I said, hi. And she said, do you 429 00:37:11,670 --> 00:37:16,190 remember me? I'm Lizzie. I'm so-and-so you used to bait babysit me. And from Liz, 430 00:37:16,190 --> 00:37:21,070 he's been Iowa. And I went, oh yeah, sorry about the pot. Why, you know, I smoked pot when I 431 00:37:21,070 --> 00:37:25,910 babysat. And then I drank when the parents came home, we had drink or two together. But, um, she 432 00:37:25,910 --> 00:37:31,770 said, you know, you talked about my uncle John, he's still sober. And I was like, wow, that's 433 00:37:31,770 --> 00:37:36,150 great. She said, and I went home for a family reunion two years ago and my uncle John 12 step 434 00:37:36,150 --> 00:37:43,110 me and I have two years. So you just never know what your actions mean, what your amends mean, 435 00:37:43,110 --> 00:37:45,690 what just living life right there, 436 00:37:46,190 --> 00:37:52,070 being a child of God. Chuck's used to talk about that, that, you know, we love because we want to 437 00:37:52,070 --> 00:37:58,130 love for fun and for free. Uh, it's not 50, 50, 70, 30, it's a thousand to nothing. You've given 438 00:37:58,130 --> 00:38:04,190 me my life. You gave me my husband. I had him for 24 years, my man, Casey and, um, good man, 439 00:38:04,190 --> 00:38:09,710 really good man, good member of AA, lovely. And I held him on his last moments eight years ago 440 00:38:09,710 --> 00:38:16,130 when he had megaloma melanoma and my mother four years ago, I held my mommy and, um, 441 00:38:16,190 --> 00:38:21,170 a couple of cats, a dog, you know, I mean, you know, it's just, uh, I've taken my husband all 442 00:38:21,170 --> 00:38:25,610 over the world. There's a lot of ashes to a human being. I got the bungee jump with him in New 443 00:38:25,610 --> 00:38:30,890 Zealand. I went out of a plane. He was at the top of the Eiffel tower, other, uh, Australian, 444 00:38:30,890 --> 00:38:36,530 New Zealand, you know, and just under a koala bear. And I mean, at the golf course, he was a 445 00:38:36,530 --> 00:38:41,930 big golfer where he got his Eagle and winged foot, uh, just so much. He got handed over in a bar in 446 00:38:41,930 --> 00:38:45,950 London from one AA to another during the Olympics. So he could go to this, this, 447 00:38:46,190 --> 00:38:51,410 this golf place that his, it was in the, where his mother grew up and do his ashes. I got pictures 448 00:38:51,410 --> 00:38:56,510 of that happening. And, um, freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose. I had nothing left 449 00:38:56,510 --> 00:39:02,870 to lose when I came here. I used to live by that. I have so much love in my heart for what you have 450 00:39:02,870 --> 00:39:07,370 done for my family, for my friends, for the people I've hurt. I got to make amends to the carnival. 451 00:39:07,370 --> 00:39:11,630 I don't want to forget that. My son went, my son went to a Catholic school where they have 452 00:39:11,630 --> 00:39:16,130 a school carnival every spring. And I volunteered for eight years. 453 00:39:16,190 --> 00:39:22,850 And I paid back those kids and I bought ride tickets and the universe will find your way. 454 00:39:22,850 --> 00:39:28,010 And you'll get to walk a free man and a free woman. And this program is about love. Thank you.