1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:06,820 Dan, I'm an alcoholic. Thank Oscar for asking me to participate. I spoke a couple weeks ago at 2 00:00:06,820 --> 00:00:10,980 Sunday morning Van Nuys meeting. Nolan heard me. He's disappointed that he has to hear me again, 3 00:00:10,980 --> 00:00:16,100 so I'm going to change up my talk a little bit so that way Nolan gets a brand new talk. 4 00:00:16,100 --> 00:00:23,540 So I'm not really sure what we're going to talk about. I enjoyed the first two 10-minute speakers. 5 00:00:23,540 --> 00:00:31,220 I'm very much like them, actually. I really identify with John wholeheartedly. I am like him. 6 00:00:32,020 --> 00:00:38,100 I grew up in St. Louis, Missouri, and I was a smart kid. I was a straight-A student. 7 00:00:39,860 --> 00:00:46,420 But I was, I guess you would call it shy, but really like through inventory. I was selfish. 8 00:00:46,420 --> 00:00:52,260 I was self-seeking, and I was frightened is what I was. And dishonest, 9 00:00:52,260 --> 00:01:00,660 if it could get me somewhere. But certainly, and my thing, my self-seeking part was I came up with 10 00:01:00,660 --> 00:01:08,580 answers to try to get people to like me. I thought by overachieving, you would like me more if I was 11 00:01:08,580 --> 00:01:14,660 superior to you, which in retrospect, if you think about it, it really doesn't work that way. 12 00:01:14,660 --> 00:01:22,260 It just makes you not like me more. But I was super ambitious like that. 13 00:01:22,820 --> 00:01:30,260 And so continuing to separate myself from my fellows. I was kind of related to you as well, 14 00:01:30,260 --> 00:01:36,660 too. I'm someone who was so afraid of people and just like what you thought of me. When I was in 15 00:01:36,660 --> 00:01:42,660 school, like sixth grade, maybe seventh grade, seventh grade, I wouldn't go to lunch because 16 00:01:42,660 --> 00:01:48,340 I was afraid to interact with the people. So I would go and I would hang out in the bathroom. 17 00:01:48,340 --> 00:01:51,540 And I know, you got a weirdo here today. 18 00:01:52,260 --> 00:01:58,500 And I would eat my lunch in the stall because I was afraid to interact with people. Because you 19 00:01:58,500 --> 00:02:03,380 go in the lunchroom, there's all those people, and I didn't have a tribe. And I was afraid to 20 00:02:03,380 --> 00:02:07,380 ask people if I could sit with them, or if I'm sitting alone, you would point at me and say, 21 00:02:07,380 --> 00:02:11,140 you're sitting alone. So it was easier to be in the bathroom. But the problem in the bathroom is 22 00:02:11,140 --> 00:02:16,340 sometimes people would come into the bathroom, the other weirdos, and want to hang out in another 23 00:02:16,340 --> 00:02:21,620 stall. And then I'm like, oh my God, I've got it. I'm going to walk out of here, and everyone's going 24 00:02:21,620 --> 00:02:26,260 to be out front of the bathroom, and when the bell rings, they're going to be laughing on me. 25 00:02:26,260 --> 00:02:31,140 So I'd have to leave that bathroom. And I had alternative bathrooms, and then I could go. 26 00:02:31,140 --> 00:02:38,340 So slightly self-centered when I was a child, as you could see. And I grew up in a home where there 27 00:02:38,340 --> 00:02:44,500 was drinking. That's one difference. There was drinking in my home. And it was apparent that 28 00:02:44,500 --> 00:02:48,900 drinking was a problem in my home. My dad was the drinker. And my dad was like a Dr. Jekyll, 29 00:02:48,900 --> 00:02:49,540 Mr. Hyde drinker. My dad was a colleague. He was a drinker. He was a drinker. He was a drinker. He 30 00:02:49,540 --> 00:02:49,700 was a drinker. He was a drinker. He was a drinker. He was a drinker. He was a drinker. He was a drinker. 31 00:02:49,700 --> 00:02:58,020 My dad was a college basketball star, a really good athlete, good-looking, charismatic, funny. 32 00:02:58,020 --> 00:03:04,820 Everybody liked my dad. And my dad was a great dad when he was sober. He coached our basketball 33 00:03:04,820 --> 00:03:09,300 teams. He coached our baseball teams. He went on the Boy Scout campouts with us, 34 00:03:10,100 --> 00:03:15,940 go on float trips with us. Super cool dad. But when my dad was drinking, he had the 35 00:03:15,940 --> 00:03:19,620 allergy to alcohol, so he wouldn't come home. And when he would come, 36 00:03:19,700 --> 00:03:26,660 home, my mom would lock the door and not let him in. And he would beat the door down. 37 00:03:27,460 --> 00:03:31,620 And then there would be a knock-down, drag-out fight in the living room. And the cops would get 38 00:03:31,620 --> 00:03:36,820 called. And I was the kid, the middle kid, who would referee the fight. And I can just remember 39 00:03:36,820 --> 00:03:42,900 as a kid being terrified of that situation, terrified when he's not coming home knowing 40 00:03:42,900 --> 00:03:48,340 what's going to happen. And there was no delusion in my mind what the variable in that equation was. 41 00:03:48,340 --> 00:03:48,980 I knew exactly what it was. Dan R, Quality of Life, Alcoholics Anonymous, AA, sobriety, sponsor, 42 00:03:48,980 --> 00:03:56,340 It was alcohol. And when my dad was drinking, that's what went on. When my dad wasn't drinking, 43 00:03:56,340 --> 00:04:01,780 that didn't go on. So I made a decision as a little kid, I'm never going to drink alcohol, 44 00:04:01,780 --> 00:04:06,420 and I'm going to get the hell out of this house. So those are my two goals, to get out. 45 00:04:06,420 --> 00:04:06,580 Dan R, Quality of Life, Alcoholics Anonymous, AA, sobriety, sponsor, home group 46 00:04:06,580 --> 00:04:15,620 And I also, I knew I was smart. And my goal was to parlay that into a life for myself, to use my 47 00:04:15,620 --> 00:04:18,740 mind to create a successful life for myself. Dan R, Quality of Life, Alcoholics Anonymous, AA, sobriety, 48 00:04:18,740 --> 00:04:21,140 sponsor, home group terrified when he's not coming home knowing what's going on. So I kept those 49 00:04:21,140 --> 00:04:29,540 promises up until... And I was such a super achiever. I was an altar boy, but a super altar 50 00:04:29,540 --> 00:04:37,140 boy, not just a... So a super altar boy, he goes to mass Monday through Friday at 6 AM mass, 51 00:04:37,140 --> 00:04:42,500 do you know what I mean? And would altar boy every day. I never once felt the presence of God. 52 00:04:42,500 --> 00:04:48,580 Never once did I feel like this is home for me. It was just one more achievement, 53 00:04:48,740 --> 00:04:53,060 for Dan. You know what I mean? Trying to lock up the things that would, I don't know, 54 00:04:53,060 --> 00:04:56,260 get me brownie points or something. I don't know what the hell I was doing, 55 00:04:56,260 --> 00:05:01,140 but it certainly wasn't filling my spirit. And I, in eighth grade, my dad took me out of school 56 00:05:01,140 --> 00:05:05,940 one day, which he had done many times. And we'd sneak off, I'm from St. Louis, so we'd sneak off 57 00:05:05,940 --> 00:05:11,940 to the Cardinal baseball game. He'd make up some excuse to sneak me out of school. And we went to 58 00:05:11,940 --> 00:05:17,940 the Cardinal baseball game and he bought me a beer. And I drank that beer and I felt great. 59 00:05:17,940 --> 00:05:18,180 Dan R, Quality of Life, Alcoholics Anonymous, AA, sobriety, sponsor, home group 60 00:05:18,180 --> 00:05:23,620 and he went up to the bathroom. Come on. He went off to the bathroom and I drank his beer 61 00:05:24,180 --> 00:05:30,980 and I felt wonderful. I was laughing. I was just, I, for me, what it did relieve, 62 00:05:30,980 --> 00:05:35,620 it relieved me of the bondage of self. It's that simple. It took my fear away. 63 00:05:35,620 --> 00:05:42,340 It took away the big like spotlight on myself. And I swapped fences from that day, even with 64 00:05:42,340 --> 00:05:47,940 all the negative effects that alcohol had had on my life up to that point, not even my drinking. 65 00:05:47,940 --> 00:05:48,100 Dan R, Quality of Life, Alcoholics Anonymous, AA, sobriety, sponsor, home group, 66 00:05:48,100 --> 00:05:53,460 somebody else is drinking, but I knew what the effect was. I swapped fences that day from I'm 67 00:05:53,460 --> 00:05:58,180 never going to drink alcohol to I'm going to drink alcohol at every available opportunity. 68 00:05:58,180 --> 00:06:03,140 And I didn't tell anybody that I didn't write it down. I didn't say it, but that's exactly what I 69 00:06:03,140 --> 00:06:09,940 did. And so my life took a different trajectory. I was, I was no longer, well, like I said, I got 70 00:06:09,940 --> 00:06:15,620 straight A's all the way up through eighth grade. So, and I had a, come on, get closer. So I came, 71 00:06:15,620 --> 00:06:16,100 Dan R, Quality of Life, Alcoholics Anonymous, AA, sobriety, sponsor, home group, 72 00:06:16,100 --> 00:06:17,140 I, I, uh, Dan R, Quality of Life, Alcoholics Anonymous, AA, sobriety, sponsor, home group, 73 00:06:17,140 --> 00:06:31,280 I, uh, what did I do? I was going to school. I was a straight A student. I, um, took a drink 74 00:06:32,320 --> 00:06:38,400 and then I, uh, uh, bad things started to happen. I, I, by the time I was in 10th grade, 75 00:06:38,400 --> 00:06:43,600 I had dropped out of school with D's and F's. I had an older brother who's one year older than me. 76 00:06:43,600 --> 00:06:48,080 And he's a different, he's alcoholic as well, too. Different type of alcoholic than me. He's not like 77 00:06:48,080 --> 00:06:53,440 a good seed that took a drink and went bad. He was a bad seed. It's that simple. And he just put 78 00:06:53,440 --> 00:06:59,760 alcohol on the bad seed. That's what happened with him. So he was like D's and F's from the gate. You 79 00:06:59,760 --> 00:07:04,480 know what I mean? And then he became a DNF, drug addict, alcoholic. So a little different than me. 80 00:07:04,480 --> 00:07:08,800 I was so different. And he was like the, he's somebody, a different type of alcoholic that 81 00:07:08,800 --> 00:07:13,840 when he drinks, he wants to fight. I'm not a fighter at all. I'm not looking to fight. 82 00:07:13,840 --> 00:07:16,140 I'm not looking to join a gang, but I'm no longer afraid of you. I just, you know, I'm not afraid of 83 00:07:16,140 --> 00:07:16,160 you. I'm not looking to join a gang, but I'm no longer afraid of you. I just, you know, I'm not 84 00:07:16,160 --> 00:07:21,100 I'm no longer afraid of you. I just, you know, I, before I take a drink, I'm afraid to walk down 85 00:07:21,100 --> 00:07:25,900 this aisle and go to the bathroom. But after I take a drink, I'm okay. I don't give a shit what 86 00:07:25,900 --> 00:07:30,460 you think about me. You know what I mean? I'm not looking to fight you. Not looking, I'm just, 87 00:07:30,460 --> 00:07:38,020 I'm not afraid anymore. I'm okay in my skin is what alcohol does for me. So I drank. And, and 88 00:07:38,020 --> 00:07:45,740 like I said, I dropped out of school with D's and F's and got a job working at Coco's in St. Louis. 89 00:07:46,160 --> 00:07:50,940 Uh, where my brother worked. Do you know what I mean? We, we ended up at the same place. He was a 90 00:07:50,940 --> 00:07:58,760 cook. I was a cook. We were, uh, um, he was 18. I was 17 and he got in some trouble one night. He, 91 00:07:58,920 --> 00:08:04,180 uh, my brother also, my brother was really good looking and he like girls would date me to get to 92 00:08:04,180 --> 00:08:09,880 my brother. Do you know what I'm saying? That kind of bullshit. So, so, so he, uh, uh, but my 93 00:08:09,880 --> 00:08:15,560 brother, my brother would have trouble, uh, with women. He would, what my brother would do is drink 94 00:08:16,160 --> 00:08:20,880 and he'd want to go visit ex-girlfriends. Do you know what I'm saying? And they would have moved 95 00:08:20,880 --> 00:08:26,060 on with a new boyfriend, which is against the rules. Do you know what I mean? So fights would 96 00:08:26,060 --> 00:08:31,160 ensue, blah, blah, blah. So that's what happened one night. My brother got, uh, got, uh, a lot of 97 00:08:31,160 --> 00:08:37,960 trouble and my brother, uh, ended up in jail. Um, so, uh, back then we're talking about way back. 98 00:08:38,140 --> 00:08:42,400 Um, they would give you a choice. If you got in trouble, you could either go in the military 99 00:08:42,400 --> 00:08:48,580 or you could go, uh, to jail. And, uh, I don't know if they have that option anymore, but they, 100 00:08:48,660 --> 00:08:52,560 they, they did then. And my brother said, you know, I've been thinking about joining the military as a 101 00:08:52,560 --> 00:08:58,220 matter of fact. So off my brother went into the army and my brother went to bootcamp and AIT and 102 00:08:58,220 --> 00:09:03,360 he came back nine days later and he was changed. He was different. Like he, you know, obviously 103 00:09:03,360 --> 00:09:08,420 they had shaved his head and cause he was a long haired hippie, like ripped guy. You know what I 104 00:09:08,420 --> 00:09:12,380 mean? But he looked like totally normal. And, uh, but that's not what caught me off guard. 105 00:09:12,380 --> 00:09:18,220 What caught my eye is my brother had a purpose in his life. Like he was excited about his life. 106 00:09:18,300 --> 00:09:22,920 He was going to become a, a Jeep mechanic. He was going to school and then he was going to Korea. 107 00:09:23,380 --> 00:09:31,160 And here I was, uh, I'm the smart kid and I'm at Coco's and I'm flipping hamburgers so I can get 108 00:09:31,160 --> 00:09:40,780 money to buy Boone's farm, apple wine, bad dog, 2020, maybe get a 15, you know, gig a pot. And 109 00:09:40,780 --> 00:09:42,360 so I would stop every once. 110 00:09:42,380 --> 00:09:49,080 And look at my life and say, what is going on? Do you know what I mean? How I just in that vicious 111 00:09:49,080 --> 00:09:56,580 cycle and, uh, without any knowing that I should be doing something, but incapable of getting out 112 00:09:56,580 --> 00:10:02,040 of that situation. So my brother was essentially a pro program of attraction for me. You know what 113 00:10:02,040 --> 00:10:07,460 I mean? He, I saw something in my brother. He had made a decision or the, the judge made a decision 114 00:10:07,460 --> 00:10:12,260 for him and, uh, and it positively affected his life. So obviously, 115 00:10:12,380 --> 00:10:17,000 if you want something that somebody has, the obvious conclusion is you, if you do what they 116 00:10:17,000 --> 00:10:23,460 did, you'll get what they got. Right. So that's, I, so I made a decision to join the army. So I went 117 00:10:23,460 --> 00:10:29,880 down, I took the ASFAB test, which is very simple. Uh, it's, uh, you have to get 8% on the army ASFAB 118 00:10:29,880 --> 00:10:35,860 test and it's a multiple choice test. So think about that 8%, right? So basically you have to 119 00:10:35,860 --> 00:10:41,100 guess, right? Not even once out of every 10 times and the army will take you and you have to pass 120 00:10:41,100 --> 00:10:42,360 the physical. There's nothing physical. You have to pass the physical. You have to pass the physical. 121 00:10:42,380 --> 00:10:47,060 There's nothing physical wrong with me. Um, but if you're 17, you have to get your dad to sign or 122 00:10:47,060 --> 00:10:53,460 your mom, which my dad was more than happy to sign. And, uh, but the army also has a special 123 00:10:53,460 --> 00:10:58,520 emotional maturity test, a 50 question emotional maturity test. And what are those like? I don't 124 00:10:58,520 --> 00:11:02,660 know if you've ever taken them. They're kind of big nowadays too. And with a job interviews where 125 00:11:02,660 --> 00:11:08,580 basically it's a personality test where they ask you ambiguous, ambiguous questions like, 126 00:11:08,580 --> 00:11:12,220 do you like to hang out with a group or hang out by yourself in a bathroom? 127 00:11:12,380 --> 00:11:17,540 During lunchtime. Yeah. That's not the, that wasn't the exact verbiage, but that was the, 128 00:11:17,600 --> 00:11:23,020 that was the thought process in the test. You know what I mean? And so I didn't think anything of it. 129 00:11:23,020 --> 00:11:28,360 I just took the test, you know, and my recruiter had assured me no one has ever passed or no one 130 00:11:28,360 --> 00:11:34,280 has ever failed this test. Don't worry about it. Right? So I took this 50 question test. They 131 00:11:34,280 --> 00:11:39,960 graded it. My recruiter came out to inform me that we now have somebody who has failed the emotional 132 00:11:39,960 --> 00:11:42,320 maturity test. And I started, 133 00:11:42,380 --> 00:11:48,680 I started crying and, and, and, and he figured out why I failed his emotional maturity test. Right? 134 00:11:48,860 --> 00:11:53,340 So I was crying all the way home. And he's like, he's like, no, don't worry about it. Cause in six 135 00:11:53,340 --> 00:11:58,360 months you're going to be 18. And then the test has no relevance at all, but you know how we are, 136 00:11:58,440 --> 00:12:04,120 you know, I'm an alcoholic. And so I, uh, I immediately went into, yeah, forget it. You 137 00:12:04,120 --> 00:12:08,820 know what I mean? You had your chance at this. You know what I mean? Forget it. Right? Well, 138 00:12:08,820 --> 00:12:12,260 I'm in front of him cause I'm trying to save a little bit of face. Right. But, 139 00:12:12,380 --> 00:12:16,580 but the truth is I got home and I was just like, oh my God, you know what I mean? Where am I going 140 00:12:16,580 --> 00:12:22,180 to go? What am I going to do? Uh, so, but it turns out the recruiters are in cahoots and, uh, and if, 141 00:12:22,280 --> 00:12:27,440 if you're not, not smart enough to get into the Navy, the Navy will give your name to the army. 142 00:12:27,440 --> 00:12:31,940 And it turns out if you're not emotionally mature enough to get in the army, they give your name to 143 00:12:31,940 --> 00:12:36,420 the Navy. So the Navy called me the next day and they said, Hey, guess what? We don't have an 144 00:12:36,420 --> 00:12:42,340 emotional maturity test. We'll take you just the way you are. So off I went in the United States. 145 00:12:42,380 --> 00:12:47,460 Navy just turned out to be a blessing because I'm not army material. I am definitely Navy material. 146 00:12:47,800 --> 00:12:53,520 So I took me to the Navy unbeknownst that I was an alcoholic unbeknownst that I was in the grips 147 00:12:53,520 --> 00:12:58,940 of a disease, which would get progressive over time. Unbeknownst the changing places, 148 00:12:59,740 --> 00:13:08,180 uh, changing States, changing jobs, changing friends, changing, uh, anything is not going to 149 00:13:08,180 --> 00:13:12,220 change the progression of my disease. I had no idea. How would I know? 150 00:13:12,380 --> 00:13:18,300 No clue. All's I knew is that, uh, I'm going, I'm joining the Navy. So I took me to the Navy 151 00:13:18,300 --> 00:13:23,820 and, uh, there was a window when it was good. I joined when I was 17. I went overseas for six 152 00:13:23,820 --> 00:13:28,540 months, nine months, actually it was a world cruise and, uh, and it was good, you know, for, 153 00:13:28,760 --> 00:13:34,080 uh, like 18, 19 year old, however old I was. I came back. I ended up on shore duty on the East 154 00:13:34,080 --> 00:13:39,800 coast. I was a F14 instructor. I had become an F14 electrician. I was at a 14 instructor and, 155 00:13:39,800 --> 00:13:41,900 uh, by day, uh, uh, by night, uh, I was a F14 instructor. I was a F14 instructor. I was a F14 156 00:13:41,900 --> 00:13:47,540 instructor. I was a TGI Fridays bartender, which is just a wonderful job for an alcoholic. I was 157 00:13:47,540 --> 00:13:54,420 young. I had hair. I was cute. I, uh, I had control of the liquor and I'm, I, and I'm the 158 00:13:54,420 --> 00:13:59,060 kind of guy that bartending is great for me if I'm drinking with you, because when I'm drinking, 159 00:13:59,060 --> 00:14:06,320 I'm funny, I'm charismatic. I can crack jokes. I can, uh, uh, just, I have game. You know what 160 00:14:06,320 --> 00:14:11,600 I mean? When I'm drinking, alcohol is magic for me. When I'm sober, um, 161 00:14:11,900 --> 00:14:19,880 uh, self-obsessed, I'm catatonic, I'm weird. Um, uh, not a guy you want behind the TGI Fridays bar, 162 00:14:19,940 --> 00:14:25,300 I assure you. So I drank, you know what I mean? And there were times when I over drank behind the 163 00:14:25,300 --> 00:14:29,760 bar. Like I remember counting till sometime and the manager would be like, you're drunk, 164 00:14:30,060 --> 00:14:33,860 you know? And I'm like, well, you know how you just like, shuff it off, shuff it off, right? 165 00:14:33,920 --> 00:14:38,680 I should have been fired a number of times. Like I'm counting my money with one eye closed. That's 166 00:14:38,680 --> 00:14:45,020 where we were, you know, terrible, terrible. I got into some trouble along the line. Um, but I was 167 00:14:45,020 --> 00:14:50,140 able to fluff it off back then being in the military carried clout. Like I would get pulled 168 00:14:50,140 --> 00:14:55,320 over then. And this one time I got pulled over and, uh, God, I was in East St. Louis. I would 169 00:14:55,320 --> 00:15:00,560 went home on leave my little game, a little stick, you know, cause I was like, uh, trying to run the 170 00:15:00,560 --> 00:15:06,700 stick. So my game, when I would go to St. Louis on leave would be, I'd wear my uniform. Uh, and so, 171 00:15:06,700 --> 00:15:08,640 and then I'd go during the early part. 172 00:15:08,680 --> 00:15:15,640 And then I'd hang out in the, like, you know, the VOA bars or the, you know, the, uh, veterans of 173 00:15:15,640 --> 00:15:20,800 foreign wars or stuff like that, because they would just, I did not have to pay for one drink. 174 00:15:20,800 --> 00:15:24,480 You know what I mean? That would just, they would just load me up or even go to regular bars and 175 00:15:24,480 --> 00:15:29,520 there'd be veterans in there just buying me drink after drink, have to drink. Then the game plan 176 00:15:29,520 --> 00:15:36,380 would be to go to some extra late night activity. And then, and then the plan was, is that these 177 00:15:36,380 --> 00:15:38,660 women would be like, Oh my God, you're defending me. You're defending me. You're defending me. 178 00:15:38,660 --> 00:15:42,520 You're defending the country. Let me take you home. You know what I mean? That part of the plan 179 00:15:42,520 --> 00:15:47,840 never worked out, but the first part did right. The third part is I would inevitably get pulled 180 00:15:47,840 --> 00:15:52,800 over, which I did on a few occasions by the police and the police would take pity on me. 181 00:15:52,860 --> 00:15:58,680 I was coming. I was, I crossed over into East St. Louis one night, which is a, uh, which if you're 182 00:15:58,680 --> 00:16:04,000 anybody here from St. Louis, okay. Then you don't understand. So, but I went to East St. Louis, 183 00:16:04,000 --> 00:16:08,520 uh, cause that's where like the strip clubs are. Right. So, and I was, 184 00:16:08,660 --> 00:16:12,000 and the problem with going to the strip clubs is when you come back from the strip clubs, 185 00:16:12,000 --> 00:16:17,460 you have to go like, there's like one row. It's just, it's, it's like fishing in a trout hatchery. 186 00:16:17,600 --> 00:16:22,260 Do you know what I mean? You just throw out your reel and you pull it. So the cops just sit on the 187 00:16:22,260 --> 00:16:28,420 side of the road and just watch the guy coming by at 4am and they know you're hammered. You know 188 00:16:28,420 --> 00:16:32,020 what I mean? You're completely drunk and they just throw your wheel out and bring you in. So, 189 00:16:32,440 --> 00:16:37,940 you know, and I'm weaving, they pull me over and they're like, uh, you're drunk. Um, but you're in 190 00:16:37,940 --> 00:16:38,460 the military. 191 00:16:38,660 --> 00:16:42,500 Obviously. And, uh, we're going to cut you a break. We're going to leave your car here. We're 192 00:16:42,500 --> 00:16:45,480 going to let you, we're going to take you into jail. We're not going to charge you. We're going 193 00:16:45,480 --> 00:16:48,980 to let you sleep it off. And I'm going to drive you back to your car in the morning. And you think 194 00:16:48,980 --> 00:16:54,540 I would be like, Oh my God, thank you. Do you know what I mean? Thank you. But I'm the idiot 195 00:16:54,540 --> 00:17:01,580 in the jail all night long, banging on the wall. I have rights. You have to let me out of here, 196 00:17:01,800 --> 00:17:07,940 charge me or let me out of here. So that's, that's who I am grateful for being helped. Right. 197 00:17:08,660 --> 00:17:14,000 So anyway, I, uh, so this is when it's going good for me. This is when alcohol is actually working 198 00:17:14,000 --> 00:17:22,160 and unbeknownst to me, alcoholism has taken a ride down the, uh, down this slide to, uh, 199 00:17:22,160 --> 00:17:28,400 I'm bottoming out. Uh, and I am, I'm not aware of it. And I got into some, I got into some serious 200 00:17:28,400 --> 00:17:33,960 trouble in the Navy. I got busted for cocaine on a urinalysis test and I got popped and, um, 201 00:17:33,960 --> 00:17:38,600 they busted me. They gave me, um, uh, reduced me in rank, uh, took half a month's pay. 202 00:17:38,660 --> 00:17:43,520 Um, and it's terrible when that happens to you in the military. No one talks to you. No one looks 203 00:17:43,520 --> 00:17:47,280 at you. They turn around, they walk away. You know what I mean? You're completely shunned. 204 00:17:47,460 --> 00:17:51,600 And, but they didn't kick me out. And again, you think I'd be grateful for that, that I would have 205 00:17:51,600 --> 00:17:56,660 learned my lesson and said, you know what, I'm going to turn my life and, uh, and I'm going to 206 00:17:56,660 --> 00:18:01,020 take this, but I'm not going to do that. I can't do that. I have a disease and it won't let me do 207 00:18:01,020 --> 00:18:07,820 that. And so I, uh, uh, my plan was I was coming up for orders and my plan was to, uh, you know, 208 00:18:07,820 --> 00:18:08,200 uh, 209 00:18:08,660 --> 00:18:14,500 go to California. I needed to get out of Virginia beach. Right. And I pictured California as like a, 210 00:18:14,500 --> 00:18:19,020 like a grateful dead concert. I'd never been to California, but I just figured it was, uh, 211 00:18:19,080 --> 00:18:24,220 just sex, drugs, rock and roll, and the cops don't care. Right. And it turns out the cops care 212 00:18:24,220 --> 00:18:31,840 a lot as I found out. And I went to San Diego and I, uh, I got three DUIs just clip, clip, clip. 213 00:18:32,020 --> 00:18:38,640 And, uh, I got two DUIs and then I went overseas for six months and I was overseas. I was in Perth, 214 00:18:38,660 --> 00:18:44,460 Australia. And, um, you know, you pull into port, you know, every month or whatever, three weeks, 215 00:18:44,520 --> 00:18:49,020 every month, we were in Perth, Australia and me and some buddies drinking buddies, we went golfing. 216 00:18:49,020 --> 00:18:53,880 And then after golfing, we were in the 19th hole getting drunk and, uh, I couldn't shut my head 217 00:18:53,880 --> 00:18:58,980 off. Uh, you know, where your head's just running, uh, a hundred miles an hour and all the things 218 00:18:58,980 --> 00:19:03,980 you've done are just cranking right in your head. And normally I can drink that away and I was 219 00:19:03,980 --> 00:19:08,220 drinking it away or I was trying to drink it away. I was drunk cause you could get, and it wouldn't 220 00:19:08,220 --> 00:19:08,640 go away. And I was like, I'm going to drink it away. And I was like, I'm going to drink it away. 221 00:19:08,660 --> 00:19:13,140 And for four days I tried to drink it away and I couldn't drink it away. And then I got scared 222 00:19:13,140 --> 00:19:18,080 because I knew that I was, had to go back on the ship and there wasn't going to be alcohol for the 223 00:19:18,080 --> 00:19:23,280 next 30 days. And I was going crazy. I was going nuts. I didn't know that I was dying of alcoholism. 224 00:19:23,340 --> 00:19:29,300 I had no idea. Uh, I thought I was going crazy. And so I got back to the ship and, um, the first 225 00:19:29,300 --> 00:19:33,900 thing you do when the ship pulls out, I was running the F-14 shop is, and so all the directors have 226 00:19:33,900 --> 00:19:38,340 to come in and report on what you're going to, uh, uh, work on, what the jet's conditions, 227 00:19:38,340 --> 00:19:42,700 the jets are in, blah, blah, blah to the master chief. So all the directors are there and I'm 228 00:19:42,700 --> 00:19:50,780 dying. I'm, um, and normally I'm the, the funny guy spotlight on Dan, uh, you know, making sure 229 00:19:50,780 --> 00:19:55,540 that everybody knows how smart I am kind of guy. You know what I mean? Just same kid as he was when 230 00:19:55,540 --> 00:20:01,080 he was six years old. Uh, but not tonight, not that night. I had black circles around my eyes. 231 00:20:01,140 --> 00:20:06,440 I had sweat running down my face. Um, I had a head that wouldn't shut up. It felt like every 232 00:20:06,440 --> 00:20:08,320 secret I had, you could read right on my face. I had a head that wouldn't shut up. I had a head 233 00:20:08,320 --> 00:20:13,820 in my forehead. Uh, and I was terrified and it got around to me. I couldn't even talk. And the 234 00:20:13,820 --> 00:20:17,900 master chief looked out at me and he said, you know, when we get back to San Diego, somebody's 235 00:20:17,900 --> 00:20:22,960 going to get a psychiatric evaluation. And I thought, oh my God, he can see it. He can see it. 236 00:20:23,020 --> 00:20:27,540 And, uh, cause I was hoping it was just me and my, you know, me being paranoid. It wasn't me 237 00:20:27,540 --> 00:20:32,440 being paranoid. And so I went to my rack that night and I thought, you know, what am I going 238 00:20:32,440 --> 00:20:36,640 to do? Uh, what can I do? And I thought, you know, I need, I'm going to kill myself. That's what I'm 239 00:20:38,320 --> 00:20:42,000 about. Just jumping out in the middle of the ocean. Cause I was like, there's, there was nowhere 240 00:20:42,000 --> 00:20:47,740 to turn for me. I knew that night. I knew, uh, intuitively I was beyond human aid, that there 241 00:20:47,740 --> 00:20:53,600 was nothing, there was nobody could help me. And that, uh, that it was just me and that I was in 242 00:20:53,600 --> 00:20:58,360 deep trouble. I didn't know what the trouble was, but I knew where the trouble was. I knew it was 243 00:20:58,360 --> 00:21:05,560 inside of me. And I knew that, uh, you couldn't help me. And, uh, so my second thought was to go 244 00:21:05,560 --> 00:21:08,300 down and turn myself into the medical officer and just, you know, I was in deep trouble. And I 245 00:21:08,320 --> 00:21:12,420 was like, you know what? I'm thinking about killing myself. And, uh, that had happened to a 246 00:21:12,420 --> 00:21:17,920 few guys before, uh, that worked for me over the years. And when you do that, they keep you safe. 247 00:21:18,140 --> 00:21:23,980 Um, they fly you off the next day. They put you on a P3 or not a P3, a C3 and fly you off and they 248 00:21:23,980 --> 00:21:30,620 get you to a naval or military hospital. Uh, but your military career is over. And, uh, and that's 249 00:21:30,620 --> 00:21:36,600 all I had. And I love the military and I, uh, but I was that close to doing that to just throwing my 250 00:21:38,320 --> 00:21:42,720 because I was going to kill myself. And I didn't know how not to do that. I was terrified of 251 00:21:42,720 --> 00:21:49,160 myself. And, um, my third choice was to ask God for help. Uh, uh, my experience, like I said, 252 00:21:49,160 --> 00:21:54,520 was growing up, uh, as a Catholic. Uh, my family was Catholic. They were religious, but it was, 253 00:21:55,040 --> 00:22:04,400 it was a, it was a, not a feeling of spiritual help available to me, uh, that I could do it. 254 00:22:04,720 --> 00:22:08,300 Actually, the way I had it, like summed up in my head is the only way, 255 00:22:08,320 --> 00:22:14,520 the only way that I could reach God or call God was to talk to a priest. And then the priest at 256 00:22:14,520 --> 00:22:18,840 that, are you coming back? Are we good? Yeah. This is a first. 257 00:22:22,140 --> 00:22:28,620 It's been me before. So I, uh, where was I at? Holy moly. You're going to have to adjust this 258 00:22:28,620 --> 00:22:34,780 talk a little bit. Where was I at? Suicide. Yes. Not now. This is like 30 years ago. 259 00:22:34,780 --> 00:22:36,780 Just be clear on that. 260 00:22:38,320 --> 00:22:47,240 Tonight. No, what? So I, but I was 30 years ago and I, uh, holy moly. So 30 years ago. Yes. So I 261 00:22:47,240 --> 00:22:52,360 was suicidal. And my third choice was to ask God for help. And my experience or my thought process, 262 00:22:52,520 --> 00:22:57,060 I didn't know that I could just go to God myself. I didn't know that God lived inside of me. 263 00:22:57,440 --> 00:23:02,220 I thought God was out there somewhere. And to contact God, you contact a priest. 264 00:23:02,720 --> 00:23:08,180 And then the priest in turn calls God. And then God talks to the priest. And then, 265 00:23:08,180 --> 00:23:13,780 he relays the information. That's how nobody ever told me that. No one ever like showed me that 266 00:23:13,780 --> 00:23:19,460 on like a PowerPoint presentation. That's just how I had it worked out in my head. So there was no 267 00:23:19,460 --> 00:23:24,300 priest in my rack that night. So I, the natural assumption is I'm going to have to become a 268 00:23:24,300 --> 00:23:31,060 priest, right? So what I know about priests is priests don't drink and they don't fool around 269 00:23:31,060 --> 00:23:38,160 in the, uh, in the, in the foreign lands. And, uh, and I like to drink, uh, and I like to 270 00:23:38,180 --> 00:23:43,220 fool around in the foreign lands. And, uh, so it was my two biggest chips that I had to put on the 271 00:23:43,220 --> 00:23:47,960 altar that night. So I thought, well, uh, before making that decision. And finally, I just made 272 00:23:47,960 --> 00:23:54,220 that decision of God, uh, simply from my heart. If you remove this fear, I'll never drink again. 273 00:23:54,360 --> 00:23:59,380 And I'll never fool around in the foreign parts again. And, uh, and you know what happened? The 274 00:23:59,380 --> 00:24:07,260 fear went away just like that. So the fear went away and I, uh, uh, is everything okay? All right. 275 00:24:08,210 --> 00:24:13,690 So the fear went away and, uh, I was able to, uh, I was able to function the next morning. I went to, 276 00:24:13,770 --> 00:24:19,030 I went to the, um, I went to the morning meeting the next morning. Everything was good. I, uh, 277 00:24:19,190 --> 00:24:25,170 my master chief looked at me to see if I was okay. I'm like, I'm good. Right. And so, um, 278 00:24:25,550 --> 00:24:30,750 30 days later, uh, we pulled into Hawaii like you always did on the way back through before you get 279 00:24:30,750 --> 00:24:36,010 to San Diego. And, um, what I usually did in Hawaii was drink for 19 hours cause you're only 280 00:24:36,010 --> 00:24:40,370 there for a short stay. And, uh, but I had made that promise. I was never going to drink again. 281 00:24:40,370 --> 00:24:46,830 Right. And I was drunk the whole time I was there. And I, I remember coming back in a, in a cab, 282 00:24:46,990 --> 00:24:53,770 driving, uh, coming back in a cab, going to, um, uh, going to the ship and just crying in the back 283 00:24:53,770 --> 00:24:58,290 and my friend in the front, just, um, you know, looking at me what's going on. And I remembered 284 00:24:58,290 --> 00:25:02,650 that prayer I had asked. I remember the fear went away and I wasn't able to keep my part of the 285 00:25:02,650 --> 00:25:05,990 deal. I didn't know that I was incapable of doing that. I didn't know that I was incapable of doing 286 00:25:05,990 --> 00:25:10,250 that. I didn't know that I was powerless over alcohol. And so, uh, I didn't know what to do. 287 00:25:10,350 --> 00:25:15,330 So we got back to, we got back to San Diego and what I did for about the next nine months was 288 00:25:15,330 --> 00:25:23,970 try to not get in trouble. That was the plan. Try not to get in trouble. So, so what I did was 289 00:25:23,970 --> 00:25:30,170 volunteered to work the night shift where I would work like 3 PM to 1 AM. Therefore I, I wouldn't, 290 00:25:30,350 --> 00:25:35,250 uh, I wouldn't have time to go to the bars and drink at night. I'd have to drink at home when 291 00:25:35,250 --> 00:25:35,970 I got home. I'd have to drink at home when I got home. I'd have to drink at home when I got home. 292 00:25:35,990 --> 00:25:42,350 Uh, so I wouldn't get a DUI and the plan worked except the weekends would come around. So I ended 293 00:25:42,350 --> 00:25:48,650 up picking up a third DUI and, uh, uh, God, just feeling terrible. I remember I, I, I got it coming 294 00:25:48,650 --> 00:25:53,890 back across the Tijuana border and, uh, they put me in Chula Vista and in the military, they pick 295 00:25:53,890 --> 00:25:58,950 you up in the morning and the van deliver all the people from the three jails in San Diego back to 296 00:25:58,950 --> 00:26:04,170 your command. And I just got back. And then I went down to Chula Vista and I got my car and I came 297 00:26:04,170 --> 00:26:05,970 back up to Poway where I was living. 298 00:26:05,990 --> 00:26:10,350 And it was like Sunday morning. And I was, I pulled out, there's a church right there and 299 00:26:10,350 --> 00:26:14,190 all the people are going into church. And I remember looking at all them, all the kids, 300 00:26:14,210 --> 00:26:18,690 and I was just, uh, all the people going to church. And I was just, you know, out in front, 301 00:26:18,750 --> 00:26:23,750 just crying my eyes out, you know, just, uh, you know, maybe I'll go in there, but I knew 302 00:26:23,750 --> 00:26:27,050 that there wasn't help in there for me. I'm like, they're not like me. They're, 303 00:26:27,110 --> 00:26:32,050 they're different kinds. They're, I just knew it wasn't my people. And, uh, so I went home 304 00:26:32,050 --> 00:26:35,890 and, uh, two weeks later, the Navy put me in a two week treatment center. And, 305 00:26:35,990 --> 00:26:40,330 uh, part of that two week treatment center was to go to four Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. 306 00:26:40,450 --> 00:26:46,070 And the first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting I went to was at the Mirame Solano Club. And it was, 307 00:26:46,070 --> 00:26:51,770 um, it was a speaker meeting. There was a girl speaking that night and I identified with her 308 00:26:51,770 --> 00:26:56,690 down in my gut, not, not in my head, not intellectually, but in my spirit, 309 00:26:56,690 --> 00:27:01,690 the same place that alcohol affected me. The first time I drank is the same place that when 310 00:27:01,690 --> 00:27:05,830 one alcoholic shared with me, it affected me that night. I've been a member of Alcoholics 311 00:27:05,830 --> 00:27:12,030 Anonymous ever since, uh, coming back for the same reason. I prefer to sit out there and just 312 00:27:12,030 --> 00:27:17,190 identify with the alcoholics that are, that are sharing up here because I identify with them and 313 00:27:17,190 --> 00:27:22,650 I get free for the day, one day free without alcohol. But I like, uh, you know, I was thinking 314 00:27:22,650 --> 00:27:29,330 about, you know, the shares tonight. I, I was sober for, um, I was sober for, uh, so I ended 315 00:27:29,330 --> 00:27:33,910 up getting sober. I was sober for 30 days. I had to go overseas for six months and I had worked the 316 00:27:33,910 --> 00:27:35,810 first three steps. And, um, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, 317 00:27:35,830 --> 00:27:41,390 and I had a powerful spiritual experience. I, uh, much like Bill, I had one of those white light 318 00:27:41,390 --> 00:27:46,970 experiences at the third step. And it was so white that I figured I don't need to do step four 319 00:27:46,970 --> 00:27:51,330 through nine. You know what I mean? I was able to like, because I understand like, if you didn't 320 00:27:51,330 --> 00:27:55,690 have that type of experience, you'd have to do all that other work. You know what I mean? So, 321 00:27:56,530 --> 00:28:01,450 so, and I can remember explaining this to, uh, to the old timers on my aircraft carrier and they're 322 00:28:01,450 --> 00:28:05,810 like, okay, that, yeah. So, so, uh, the second port we pulled in was, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the 323 00:28:05,830 --> 00:28:11,510 Philippines. And I was in a bar not to drink just to hang out, you know, and, uh, somebody pushed a 324 00:28:11,510 --> 00:28:16,930 drink my way and I didn't have the power to say, no, I have powerless over alcohol. And I took a 325 00:28:16,930 --> 00:28:21,070 drink and I went running back to the ship and I went running back to one of the old timers. And 326 00:28:21,070 --> 00:28:26,610 I'm like, I need to, uh, I just took a drink and I need to, I need to work a four step. So I worked 327 00:28:26,610 --> 00:28:32,290 the four step for no other reason than I don't want to drink alcohol as it. And I proved to 328 00:28:32,290 --> 00:28:35,810 myself from my own experience that if I don't do a four step, I don't want to drink alcohol. 329 00:28:35,830 --> 00:28:40,850 I'm going to drink because that's exactly what happened. So then it came time to do the fifth 330 00:28:40,850 --> 00:28:47,410 step. And there was a lot of stuff on my fifth step that I did not want to share with anyone. 331 00:28:47,650 --> 00:28:53,410 Uh, obviously, especially people on an aircraft carrier who were in the military as well, 332 00:28:53,410 --> 00:28:59,630 right? But it was made very clear to me that if I don't, I'm going to drink. And if I drink, 333 00:28:59,630 --> 00:29:05,730 I'm going to die. So therefore I had to, I had to go all in on that and share my fifth step. Uh, 334 00:29:05,830 --> 00:29:10,350 and it went well, do you know what I mean? It was like in the middle of the, we did it on the side of 335 00:29:10,350 --> 00:29:16,250 the, uh, aircraft carrier and the hangar bay in the middle of the night with people walking by. 336 00:29:16,450 --> 00:29:21,630 So I'd be, I'd be like sharing my soul. And I had not cried for 10 years. Do you know what I mean? 337 00:29:21,730 --> 00:29:26,730 Like, like I just turned me to cold and about halfway through that inventory, I just opened 338 00:29:26,730 --> 00:29:31,350 the, the, my heart cracked and I just started crying, which is kind of embarrassing when you're 339 00:29:31,350 --> 00:29:35,530 on an aircraft carrier, people walking by, but that's what it did for me. When I was done reading 340 00:29:35,830 --> 00:29:40,110 it, he allowed me to throw that fifth step out in the middle of the ocean, which was a good place 341 00:29:40,110 --> 00:29:45,310 to throw that thing. You know what I mean? At least somebody find it. So, so that was my thing. 342 00:29:45,350 --> 00:29:50,190 I did drink another time. The next cruise I was out there, I was, uh, I stopped going to meetings 343 00:29:50,190 --> 00:29:55,250 for a couple of weeks. I was sober maybe a year and a half and I had been sick and I had a couple 344 00:29:55,250 --> 00:30:00,630 bottles of Robitussin cough syrup in my locker, um, for when I was sick, which is legal. Uh, 345 00:30:00,890 --> 00:30:05,810 but this particular night I wasn't sick and I, and, but I, but I had stopped going to meetings. 346 00:30:05,810 --> 00:30:10,450 And you know, when you get that pit in your gut and you just need something to fix that pit. 347 00:30:10,750 --> 00:30:17,730 And I drank both of those bottles of Robitussin cough syrup. Ah, I know that's, there you have it. 348 00:30:17,870 --> 00:30:23,830 Fine dining and, uh, got a little buzz and, um, didn't tell anyone, you know what I mean? 349 00:30:23,890 --> 00:30:28,510 But every time somebody would say, I haven't had anything in my system since such and such a day, 350 00:30:28,630 --> 00:30:34,550 uh, I would squirm in my chair cause I knew I was lying, you know? And I, and I felt so bad and I 351 00:30:34,550 --> 00:30:38,490 kept that secret for about a year and a half. And then finally I just said, you know, I told my 352 00:30:38,490 --> 00:30:42,730 sponsor, I'm like, Hey, I did this. And he's like, did you cheat? I'm like, yes. He's like, 353 00:30:42,750 --> 00:30:46,870 and then you got to change your date. I'm like, but everybody will think I'm a liar. And he's like, 354 00:30:46,910 --> 00:30:52,850 no one gives a shit. You know what I mean? No one cares. No one cares, you know? Uh, but I cared, 355 00:30:53,090 --> 00:30:58,350 you know what I mean? So, so I did, I changed my date and, uh, uh, isn't it weird the stuff that 356 00:30:58,350 --> 00:31:04,070 we'll do to save our own ego? You know what I mean? So stupid, like who cares, right? But back 357 00:31:04,070 --> 00:31:04,270 then. 358 00:31:04,550 --> 00:31:10,610 And, uh, so I changed my date and, uh, and I've been sober 29 years. That's how long I've been 359 00:31:10,610 --> 00:31:16,710 sober. So I, uh, so I've worked the steps a number of times, um, which have been powerful experiences 360 00:31:16,710 --> 00:31:24,010 for me. Um, uh, and it's not something, um, it's not something I'm certainly not someone and some 361 00:31:24,010 --> 00:31:29,230 people are of that variety, but it hasn't been my experience where they work the steps and then 362 00:31:29,230 --> 00:31:33,930 they're able to ride that for the rest of their sobriety. That's not been my experience at all. 363 00:31:33,930 --> 00:31:41,610 And, and I've tried it. I've tried it, um, uh, for a longer period of times. My, my normal thing is 364 00:31:41,610 --> 00:31:48,210 maybe three to five years and I end up in a workshop. And what happens is, is I start dying 365 00:31:48,210 --> 00:31:54,070 on the inside. You know what I mean? Like, or I go to sleep, uh, even though I'm here and I'm doing 366 00:31:54,070 --> 00:31:59,450 the stuff, uh, I start getting, I'm just like disconnected. I can't wait for the meeting to get 367 00:31:59,450 --> 00:32:03,810 over. I'm not connected with my higher power stuff, starting, 368 00:32:03,930 --> 00:32:09,750 to like build up, uh, resentments are starting to build up and, um, and I'm starting to get fearful 369 00:32:09,750 --> 00:32:13,930 again and my life isn't going anywhere. Do you know what I mean? I'm just kind of stuck in the 370 00:32:13,930 --> 00:32:20,490 same routine. And so, uh, what happened to me, uh, about a year ago, actually two years ago, 371 00:32:20,490 --> 00:32:24,850 I started this workshop. I did this workshop, uh, with Herb K. I don't know if anybody ever 372 00:32:24,850 --> 00:32:29,870 has done that one. I've done it before. And, uh, I just had a great experience with that. And, 373 00:32:29,990 --> 00:32:33,590 and, and I made a decision this time. I'm not gonna, I don't wanna, 374 00:32:33,930 --> 00:32:39,270 I don't wanna stop. I don't wanna like, okay, I've had this great experience. Now write it out for a 375 00:32:39,270 --> 00:32:45,510 while until you like, uh, are drowning again. And then hopefully you'll get another life preserver 376 00:32:45,510 --> 00:32:50,370 thrown at you before you drink. You know what I mean? And, uh, so I decided just to like jump 377 00:32:50,370 --> 00:32:56,130 into another workshop and just to stay in that flow, you know? And I'm so glad I did that. Uh, 378 00:32:56,130 --> 00:33:00,270 we're in, I'm in, well, we as a group, we're all doing it as a group. There's like 50 of us. We're 379 00:33:00,270 --> 00:33:03,870 all just like going through the steps. We're in a men's right now. And like, 380 00:33:03,930 --> 00:33:08,490 I, I've made some amends. I actually made amends yesterday that somebody that's shown up on my list 381 00:33:08,490 --> 00:33:15,210 like three times, but I've never had the, the power or just whatever to go to this person and 382 00:33:15,210 --> 00:33:21,070 make amends. Cause I had it like, like it was, um, like it was going to go bad. You know what I mean? 383 00:33:21,070 --> 00:33:25,610 Like it was like, it was going to be terrible. I just felt terrible at what I did to this guy 384 00:33:25,610 --> 00:33:29,050 in my mind. You know what I mean? It turns out the amends was nothing. He's like, 385 00:33:29,050 --> 00:33:33,830 what are you talking about? You know what I mean? And so, but I'll tell you how I got to, 386 00:33:33,930 --> 00:33:38,370 I had amends. I was up the street from that amends and getting ready to call him and, 387 00:33:38,470 --> 00:33:44,950 and back to the, back to the same denominator. It's either call him and make the amends or drink. 388 00:33:45,050 --> 00:33:48,750 What is your choice to be? What's it going to be, Dan? What are you going to do? That's what you're 389 00:33:48,750 --> 00:33:53,290 trying to do. You're trying not to drink again. This is what they say you ought to do. So I made 390 00:33:53,290 --> 00:33:58,330 the amends and it was great, you know? So, and I have some more to go. You know, I was watching 391 00:33:58,330 --> 00:34:03,110 this movie and went and saw this movie last night, uh, just by chance. I don't know if anybody ever 392 00:34:03,930 --> 00:34:09,530 pick out a movie and go. So I went and saw this movie Jenga. Um, do you know what Jenga is? I didn't 393 00:34:09,530 --> 00:34:16,330 know what Jenga is either. Jenga is, uh, in the, um, Arabian world, Afghanistan, the tribal leaders, 394 00:34:16,690 --> 00:34:21,810 um, have a Jenga and that's where all the elders get together and they make a decision on what to 395 00:34:21,810 --> 00:34:26,890 do with somebody. And the premise of this movie is that this guy, this Australian guy from the 396 00:34:26,890 --> 00:34:33,010 military, uh, who was dropped down in Afghanistan kills this guy and he, and he didn't mean to kill 397 00:34:33,930 --> 00:34:42,670 him, uh, but he did. Um, he killed an innocent and he was, um, uh, had a wife and kids and he felt 398 00:34:42,670 --> 00:34:48,010 terrible. Uh, and he was at the point of his life where he was going to commit suicide and he knew 399 00:34:48,010 --> 00:34:54,470 the only thing he could do was try to make amends to, uh, to clean that situation up. And so he went 400 00:34:54,470 --> 00:35:01,770 to Afghanistan, uh, back to that village where he killed the guy and, uh, to, uh, to make amends to 401 00:35:01,770 --> 00:35:03,690 that family, to make amends to the... 402 00:35:03,690 --> 00:35:11,630 wife, and to the kids. Powerful movie, powerful movie. And he went not for forgiveness and not for 403 00:35:11,630 --> 00:35:17,970 anything other than he had to go. He had no choice because he knew he was going to die if he didn't. 404 00:35:18,150 --> 00:35:22,890 And so I totally identified with this guy that we have the same thing. We have this disease 405 00:35:22,890 --> 00:35:29,250 where it's clear in the book, you know, where we have to do these things or we're going to drink 406 00:35:29,250 --> 00:35:34,710 again. And our experience shows that if we drink, we're going to die. So in a sense, it's like a 407 00:35:34,710 --> 00:35:40,690 good, it's a good thing that it forces me to do that. Because if I didn't, I'll stay in the middle 408 00:35:40,690 --> 00:35:47,470 zone, which I'm not happy with. You know what I mean? It doesn't fill my soul to be half in, 409 00:35:47,690 --> 00:35:52,890 you know? When I'm all the way in, I'm connected with my higher power. Right now in this moment, 410 00:35:52,890 --> 00:35:59,170 I'm connected with God and I am full of light and I am full of love and I'm at peace with myself. 411 00:35:59,250 --> 00:36:03,730 I'm at peace alone. So I hope if you're new that you find what I have. Thank you.