1 00:00:00,400 --> 00:00:30,400 Thank you for having the steps through here. Hi everybody, I'm little Lupe from Pacoima, AA, and I am an alcoholic and my sobriety date is February 2nd, 1994, and thank you for asking me to come out here to speak, ask her. I overlooked the dates, you know, I did have it, I had QL, that I'm coming to QL, and I said, okay, someone's going to call me, but I didn't have enough, today, this weekend was a busy weekend, I have, Pacoima has their 40th 2 00:00:30,400 --> 00:01:00,400 9th annual, 46th annual Al Capone, and I'm of service, you know, I've been there, you know, all day yesterday, and today, I got there early in the morning, and I was, I was in jeans, you know, with holes in them, and stuff, and then, I didn't ask nobody to come, because we're all being of service, I didn't want to pull them away from their, from their commitments, you know, so I said, I'm going to do it solo this time, and my brother Pete, you know, he's been around for over 30 years also, you know, we've been doing this together, you know, we're not a couple, he's my brother, 3 00:01:00,400 --> 00:01:30,400 and sobriety, life in session, okay, they were like, taking inventory over there, we've been around a long time, okay, so I just had to make clear that you guys, but today, you know, I come from a family of 10 kids, six brothers, and three sisters, and my brother wouldn't have no New Yorker there, you know, with that hat, you know, they always tease him when he comes to the house, too, or his Dallas Cowboy, they're Raider fans, you know, and I'm doing my son's, whatever, and my son's, you know, 4 00:01:30,400 --> 00:02:00,400 seven, and my son is a Panther, you know, my daughter, both my daughters are Raider fans, my son's a Panther, and my baby, you know, I have a grandson that's a 49er fan, so I have t-shirts with all kinds of stuff, and yeah, that's right, girl, we're here, those ooh don't matter to me, but you know, today, you know, life's in session to me, you know, and I just like, I love that they told me that today, somebody, I guess one of my friends, Yolanda came and spoke here, and she was telling me, 5 00:02:00,400 --> 00:02:30,340 I said, they better not interrupt me when I'm right now, when you guys are interrupting, I gotta go back and tell her they'll be there, but you know, today, you know, I have, there you go, that's the one she told me, I said, what's wrong with these people, oh yeah, it must be Lake Balboa's thing, you know, I'm from Pacoima, you know, they have, they have Arlita, Arlita, that's Pacoima, you know, they have Lake Buteros, that's Pacoima, I said, god, I go, they have somewhere, that's San Francisco, 6 00:02:30,460 --> 00:02:36,540 Why do they do this to us? They confuse me. I must have been really drunk when all these changes 7 00:02:36,540 --> 00:02:46,000 were coming up. But I remember when I graduated in the 70s, I am 66 years old. I have, thank you. 8 00:02:46,580 --> 00:02:52,240 I didn't, but I'm going to tell you, if you ask my daughter, when I came in, you know, 25 years 9 00:02:52,240 --> 00:02:57,220 ago, she goes, I was tore up from the floor up. I had no hair. I had blotches of hair, let me tell 10 00:02:57,220 --> 00:03:03,580 you. So, so I could look good. I would just flip them all over and cover them up or I painted them 11 00:03:03,580 --> 00:03:08,800 with brown mark. I mean, I was like tore up from the floor up, you know, and she was, my kids were 12 00:03:08,800 --> 00:03:14,240 very, and bueno, she was very, not my kids. I had three children in this. I had a husband who was 13 00:03:14,240 --> 00:03:21,020 my partner in crime. You know, I was a good girl. You know, I always wanted to be a chola, a gangster, 14 00:03:21,280 --> 00:03:26,460 you know, but my dad wouldn't have it. So I always have wardrobes in the trash can. So when I left, 15 00:03:26,460 --> 00:03:27,200 I would put them on. 16 00:03:27,220 --> 00:03:32,840 I just, guys, you know, Superman, but my dad was very strict with me, you know, and I was the 17 00:03:32,840 --> 00:03:38,540 oldest. So I had to help him with the kids. I had to help my mom. She had to go to work, you know, 18 00:03:38,600 --> 00:03:42,980 that we bought a house. He took us out of the projects in Pacoima. I went to McClay Junior 19 00:03:42,980 --> 00:03:48,700 High School. That was an all black school at that time, you know, in the sixties. And I went to San 20 00:03:48,700 --> 00:03:52,440 Fernando Junior High because my brother got in a fight. And of course I have to jump in to help 21 00:03:52,440 --> 00:03:56,720 him because he was getting his butt whipped. And I just had to pull people off of him. And so they 22 00:03:56,720 --> 00:03:57,200 chased us. 23 00:03:57,220 --> 00:04:01,700 I was out to the San Fernando Junior High and we both made it, you know, went to San Fernando High 24 00:04:01,700 --> 00:04:05,540 School. We were involved in all the riots there. You know, we love violence, you know, we love 25 00:04:05,540 --> 00:04:10,340 her. She was my partner in crime, my little brother, and pray for him because he came into 26 00:04:10,340 --> 00:04:15,960 these rooms, you know, and I was so happy because I was like, you know, 10, 15 years sober and he 27 00:04:15,960 --> 00:04:19,540 got it, you know, and I'm just like, good, now me and my brother, you know, homie, we're going to 28 00:04:19,540 --> 00:04:24,560 do this together. But it didn't work, you know, it didn't work out. But, you know, I can't do 29 00:04:24,560 --> 00:04:30,000 anything for him. You know, I, sometimes my heart just hurts, you know, because I love this man. He's 30 00:04:30,000 --> 00:04:35,880 65 and now he looked like he was 90 when I seen him on his birthday. And I pull him back home 31 00:04:35,880 --> 00:04:40,220 because that's what I've been taught, you know, just to, you know, to tell him, you know, everything's 32 00:04:40,220 --> 00:04:43,920 going to be all right. You'll do what we do and da, da, da, da. But, you know, he finally got 33 00:04:43,920 --> 00:04:49,520 busted. Thank God, you know, and, oh, thank God. I just like, oh, thank you, God, you know, keep 34 00:04:49,520 --> 00:04:54,400 him, keep him in there. But, you know, that, this, this alcoholism, 35 00:04:54,560 --> 00:04:59,200 my, my dad was the leader of our pack. My dad was the alcoholic in the family and stuff. And, 36 00:04:59,380 --> 00:05:05,200 oh, my dad drank like I wanted to be like my dad, you know. He went to work drunk. He'd come home 37 00:05:05,200 --> 00:05:11,280 drunk. He'd eat dinner and he was sloppy drunk, you know. Who did this? And this is not how you 38 00:05:11,280 --> 00:05:16,020 do it. He'd take me back in the kitchen to recook food. And I'd be like looking at him like, 39 00:05:16,060 --> 00:05:20,060 and he goes, what's wrong with your eyes? And I said, nothing, nothing, you know. But 40 00:05:20,060 --> 00:05:24,480 my dad taught me and I always wanted to be like him. And, you know, as I graduated from 41 00:05:24,560 --> 00:05:29,040 high school, you know, I, I hooked up with my boyfriend. The connection, I didn't know what 42 00:05:29,040 --> 00:05:34,000 that was then, but he sold reds, you know. So, I never bought them, you know. He gave them to me 43 00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:39,800 as a gift, you know. So, so I love those party favors, you know. Anywhere I go, I look for party 44 00:05:39,800 --> 00:05:45,200 favors everywhere. Like, oh, what's, what's today? What's the, what's the topic today? Now, 45 00:05:45,260 --> 00:05:49,680 look at him. And he goes, try this yellow, try this one, da, da, da, da. And I'm just liking, 46 00:05:49,760 --> 00:05:54,540 but my main thing was alcoholism, you know. That's where I came from. That's where I'm centered. You're 47 00:05:54,560 --> 00:05:59,420 right, my whole heart's centered with that alcohol. And, and I remember, you know, drinking 48 00:05:59,420 --> 00:06:04,200 all the time, you know, going up there, you know. Like I said, you know, I am an alcoholic, but 49 00:06:04,200 --> 00:06:10,700 to respect AA, you know, part of my, my story was I came in a crackhead. And, you know, I love 50 00:06:10,700 --> 00:06:16,140 Jose Cuervo. I cheated on him with Jack Daniel. And at the end of everything, I became the Cisco 51 00:06:16,140 --> 00:06:21,620 kid. I ended up drinking those nasty old Ciscos, you know. But I'm an alcoholic, you know. I had 52 00:06:21,620 --> 00:06:24,540 to do what I had to do. And that's all there is to it. But I'm an alcoholic. I'm an alcoholic. I'm an 53 00:06:24,560 --> 00:06:24,620 alcoholic. I'm an alcoholic. I'm an alcoholic. I'm an alcoholic. I'm an alcoholic. I'm an alcoholic. 54 00:06:24,620 --> 00:06:31,740 I remember just like my, we moved, I moved out of the house. I got, I got a job in 1970 with Kaiser 55 00:06:31,740 --> 00:06:39,120 Permanente. In 71, they gave, gave me my, my own desk. They gave me a position to have, train other 56 00:06:39,120 --> 00:06:44,140 girls to do this. The little Mexican girl from Pacoima, you know, no schooling, no nothing, but 57 00:06:44,140 --> 00:06:50,040 they gave me a lot of responsibilities. And I did it. I did it for a lot of years, you know. I was 58 00:06:50,040 --> 00:06:54,340 there for 15 years, you know. And I drank and I used the whole time. 59 00:06:54,560 --> 00:07:00,640 Respectfully, like a lady, my hand went off to me, you know. But I'm just like, God, you know. 60 00:07:00,840 --> 00:07:05,840 But I did it, you know. And as time went on, you know, and, you know, of course it catches up to 61 00:07:05,840 --> 00:07:11,820 you, you know. But I kept running fast, like you ain't gonna get me. My husband, I ended up marrying 62 00:07:11,820 --> 00:07:18,200 this man because we moved in together. And I was a blackout drug addict, you know. Almost a blackout 63 00:07:18,200 --> 00:07:23,280 white, pill white popper. They're supposed to keep you out and I blackout. And every drug I did, 64 00:07:23,280 --> 00:07:29,680 I blacked out. Just like alcohol, I blacked out. I'm like, God, nothing cheats me up. But when I 65 00:07:29,680 --> 00:07:35,400 found crack, you know, I just like, oh my God. But that thing dropped me to my knees, like in 66 00:07:35,400 --> 00:07:41,400 six months I was gone, you know. I was gone. I can't tell you that I seen it. I seen the light. 67 00:07:41,480 --> 00:07:46,760 I didn't see nothing. I put a cardboard box and, you know, we got married for a while, you know. 68 00:07:46,840 --> 00:07:52,080 My dad found out that I was living with, shacking up with him. I was 25 years old. And he goes, 69 00:07:52,080 --> 00:07:52,580 what the? 70 00:07:53,280 --> 00:07:57,000 So, you know, he made us get married. He got a gun to my boyfriend's head and told me, you gotta 71 00:07:57,000 --> 00:08:01,980 marry her. You just respected the family. And, you know, Al Pacino over there, I looked at my 72 00:08:01,980 --> 00:08:05,720 dad and said, oh my God. And I go, you're embarrassing me. And you don't got nothing 73 00:08:05,720 --> 00:08:10,760 to say about this. So, we got married. And we were standing at the altar at a big old wedding 74 00:08:10,760 --> 00:08:14,360 because I go, well, I want a big wedding. I deserve this. He goes, I get whatever wedding 75 00:08:14,360 --> 00:08:19,180 you want. And he did. And we were up there in the altar saying, I do. And the next thing I know, 76 00:08:19,180 --> 00:08:23,160 I'm picking up my husband from the floor because he passed out. And he fainted. And 77 00:08:23,280 --> 00:08:29,440 I just go, did Elise say I do? Did you guys hear him say I do? And my dad, you know, my dad was 78 00:08:29,440 --> 00:08:34,340 like telling him in Spanish, he's a da-da-da-da-da. And I'm just like, oh my God, how embarrassing. 79 00:08:34,860 --> 00:08:40,020 And I kicked him. I was like, get up. I'm the dominant one, of course, you know. And then 80 00:08:40,020 --> 00:08:45,820 he got up and he goes, oh, I don't know what happened. You know, not to, I'm going to go a 81 00:08:45,820 --> 00:08:51,520 little bit ahead. Not until we came into recovery, I found out he didn't faint. That guy almost OD'd 82 00:08:51,520 --> 00:08:53,240 right before he came in to do this. 83 00:08:53,280 --> 00:08:58,300 And he was loaded and he passed. He nodded out and passed out. I remember him said that from the 84 00:08:58,300 --> 00:09:03,080 podium. I looked at him and I was like 10 years sober. He was just, you know, eight years and he 85 00:09:03,080 --> 00:09:07,620 was barely coming into the room. And I looked at him like, you really did that to me? And he made 86 00:09:07,620 --> 00:09:13,680 his amends at the podium, whatever. But, you know, I remember that happened, you know. But, you know, 87 00:09:13,700 --> 00:09:18,040 I never had no part in this, you know. And, you know, so after that, you know, we just got married 88 00:09:18,040 --> 00:09:23,200 and we went on our way. And six years later, I got pregnant with my first child. And, 89 00:09:23,280 --> 00:09:28,240 that was, that was stirring itself, you know. And I had to quit like pulled turkey, you know, 90 00:09:28,300 --> 00:09:32,340 whatever that was, you know. And so, I said, I couldn't do no more of this. And I couldn't do 91 00:09:32,340 --> 00:09:36,520 no more of that. I couldn't powder my nose. I couldn't do this. I couldn't drink. I had to 92 00:09:36,520 --> 00:09:41,100 stop smoking. And, you know, I worked at Kaiser Hospital. I knew what I had to do. So, I did it, 93 00:09:41,120 --> 00:09:46,080 you know. And the next thing I know, you know, I'm coming home eight months pregnant from the 94 00:09:46,080 --> 00:09:50,040 hospital. And I lived down the street. I had my own place. We had a nice place. We had a Harley 95 00:09:50,040 --> 00:09:55,900 in the garage. I drove a Chevy Love Truck. I had a 1971 Firebird. And, you know, I had a lot of 96 00:09:55,900 --> 00:09:59,640 money, you know. I was a youngster and saved all my money, you know. And the apartments were, what, 97 00:09:59,680 --> 00:10:05,840 $500 a month. We had a two-bedroom in Panorama City, which is only one. I thought, so, you know, 98 00:10:05,940 --> 00:10:13,700 Kaiser's in Panorama. My apartment was in North Hollywood, two blocks away. It started then, 99 00:10:13,700 --> 00:10:18,120 you know. All this changing, you know. So, we ended up, I was walking up the steps and 100 00:10:18,120 --> 00:10:19,900 I'm Ms. Clavis. I'm nosy. 101 00:10:20,040 --> 00:10:25,140 I'm like, oh, my God, what's going on? Oh, my God, look at SWATs out here. The cops are here. And 102 00:10:25,140 --> 00:10:29,900 I'm going into my gate, you know, my security gate, opening the gate. And the cops stopped me. 103 00:10:29,940 --> 00:10:33,880 He goes, where are you going? And I go, I'm going to my apartment. He goes, where do you live? I'm 104 00:10:33,880 --> 00:10:37,560 like, right upstairs. And he goes, well, we'll follow you. And I looked at him and I said, 105 00:10:37,620 --> 00:10:42,120 I don't need a police escort. I'm okay. And he goes, do you live in this one? I said, yes. He 106 00:10:42,120 --> 00:10:49,980 goes, are you Maria, a.k.a. Lupe? And I said, yes. And he goes, yeah, the 107 00:10:50,040 --> 00:10:53,100 right to remain silent. Put your hands behind your back. And I'm like, all right, go ahead, 108 00:10:53,140 --> 00:10:56,840 because that's the first time and the last time that ever happened to me. And I looked and I said, 109 00:10:56,880 --> 00:11:03,300 what are you doing? And he goes, just be quiet, ma'am. Just be quiet. You know, your house has 110 00:11:03,300 --> 00:11:08,400 been, been ruining a shooting gallery out of that. And I said, what? I don't own guns. I don't know 111 00:11:08,400 --> 00:11:12,340 what you're talking about. He goes, well, there's a shooting gallery going in your house and it's 112 00:11:12,340 --> 00:11:16,240 been busted. And I'm like, and I see, and I turn around, my husband's already in the cop car, 113 00:11:16,240 --> 00:11:19,960 my nephew's already in the cop car, my cousin's already in the cop car. I said, what? He goes, 114 00:11:20,040 --> 00:11:23,880 is this a family affair? And I said, that's, you know, it's like sticking the wicket. I don't sing 115 00:11:23,880 --> 00:11:27,680 that song. No, it's not a family affair. And he looked and he goes, well, you're under arrest 116 00:11:27,680 --> 00:11:31,460 because it's your house. He goes, they will be released. And I just looked at my husband. I 117 00:11:31,460 --> 00:11:36,200 looked at my nephew and I said, I said a lot of things. And I just, take your imagination. I was 118 00:11:36,200 --> 00:11:40,720 just, I started kicking that car. And I said, I'm going to, and I'm eight months pregnant. So they 119 00:11:40,720 --> 00:11:46,340 take me to the police station and I go, take me to San Fernando. No, they take me to Van Nuys. And 120 00:11:46,340 --> 00:11:50,220 I said, oh, well, North, you know, Panorama City's right here, Van Nuys right here. So they took me 121 00:11:50,220 --> 00:11:54,520 to Van Nuys. And, and the cop took me into the investigating room and, you know, they told me 122 00:11:54,520 --> 00:11:58,900 to strip. And I said, I am not doing this. And I go, I don't believe this. So, you know, I could 123 00:11:58,900 --> 00:12:03,160 hear my ex-husband in the next room, don't leave her alone, you know? And I said, is that him? I 124 00:12:03,160 --> 00:12:07,760 go, well, you know what? I go, I don't know what that means. I go, da, da, da. So he had a cop up 125 00:12:07,760 --> 00:12:11,400 to it. They came and they go, okay, you're, you're released. He couldn't, he's going to go to jail 126 00:12:11,400 --> 00:12:15,120 and da, da, da, da. So when he came out of jail, I just looked at him. I go, I can't believe you 127 00:12:15,120 --> 00:12:20,120 did that. I, I thought you worked for, for R&B Furniture Store. That's what he told me. You 128 00:12:20,120 --> 00:12:25,020 know, he was making good money. He was making darn good money. And I'm just like, wow. And I go, 129 00:12:25,060 --> 00:12:28,280 they couldn't take the cars. The cars weren't in my name, but I wasn't, had nothing to do with 130 00:12:28,280 --> 00:12:32,540 it, you know? So nothing was under his name. Everything was under mine. So they all got 131 00:12:32,540 --> 00:12:38,160 busted, you know? And then about that night, two nights later, I went into labor and delivered 132 00:12:38,160 --> 00:12:41,380 this little baby, you know, premature. And I didn't know what to do. I didn't, 133 00:12:41,400 --> 00:12:44,360 I didn't know what to do with this little baby because I went to look at her, you know, 134 00:12:44,440 --> 00:12:48,820 we were, I was in labor for two days. And when the baby came out, you know, she didn't look 135 00:12:48,820 --> 00:12:54,720 chocolate, you know, she was black. And I looked and I said, oh my God, adios mio, what did I do 136 00:12:54,720 --> 00:12:58,600 here? And my husband's coming beside me and I'm going like this through the window, like, 137 00:12:58,840 --> 00:13:03,700 oh, I'll never forget that. And, and he looked, he had already seen her. He goes, is that her? 138 00:13:04,000 --> 00:13:07,220 And I said, I don't know. You tell me, what were you doing? What happened? And I go, 139 00:13:07,240 --> 00:13:10,920 it's all those drugs you did. And that's what you made, made happen to your baby, Lupe. 140 00:13:10,920 --> 00:13:14,980 So the doctor took us in the room and told me, you know, she had severe burns from me 141 00:13:14,980 --> 00:13:20,300 trying to deliver for 24 hours and I burned her all up. And, and she was really in agony. She was 142 00:13:20,300 --> 00:13:24,080 in pain. She had little, like the horses have those patches. And I kept saying, oh my God, 143 00:13:24,080 --> 00:13:28,200 my poor baby. But she's turned out to be once, you know, that everything was, all the peeling 144 00:13:28,200 --> 00:13:32,260 started falling off her. I stood in the hospital with her for a month. And, you know, that was my 145 00:13:32,260 --> 00:13:38,520 first experience saying, I will never do this again. I will never do this again. And him too, 146 00:13:38,520 --> 00:13:40,880 you know, we ended up moving to Stockton, California. 147 00:13:40,920 --> 00:13:46,200 I quit my job and I went to Stockton, California and he went for, you know, he didn't have a job. 148 00:13:46,260 --> 00:13:51,020 So he had to start at the canneries or picking cherries. And so I joined him. I told him, 149 00:13:51,020 --> 00:13:54,320 I'm going to help you. I'm going to help you so you don't feel degraded. You know, 150 00:13:55,260 --> 00:13:59,480 that he's like, the ice wasn't out there yet because I would have reported it. But I just like, 151 00:13:59,680 --> 00:14:04,340 so I went and we picked cherries. We did walnuts. It was fun. You know, it was like in the country. 152 00:14:04,620 --> 00:14:08,700 And then they have offered me a job. This girl goes, you know, they're hiring at the state. And 153 00:14:08,700 --> 00:14:10,740 so I took the test and I passed. And, 154 00:14:11,120 --> 00:14:16,580 I ended up being a state trooper. I got to work in the office as a police dispatcher. 155 00:14:16,780 --> 00:14:22,900 Why don't I come in here at 2.49? And I'm like, and then after two years, you know, I got a baby. 156 00:14:23,140 --> 00:14:27,620 I had a little boy. And then after another two years, you know, I worked there for five years. 157 00:14:27,720 --> 00:14:33,740 And I had my, my last child was, her name was, her name was Angel. And we went to this thing and 158 00:14:33,740 --> 00:14:38,340 the, the captain of the police station one day I was sitting there and I was nodding, you know, 159 00:14:38,340 --> 00:14:40,620 I was tired, but that was normal tired. 160 00:14:40,920 --> 00:14:46,340 Just for the kids and, you know, going to work. So he says, you know, do you ever powder your nose? 161 00:14:46,340 --> 00:14:51,100 And I looked at him. I knew exactly what that meant. And I said, hmm, that was a trick question. 162 00:14:51,420 --> 00:14:56,540 He's a cop, right? And I said, no. And he goes, well, I do. I'll be right back. So I just looked 163 00:14:56,540 --> 00:15:03,360 at him and he came back and, and I said, well, I did once. That was it, guys. I was off and running. 164 00:15:03,600 --> 00:15:10,440 That was it. That's all she wrote. And I'm just like, oh my God. I said, what did I do? And I knew 165 00:15:10,440 --> 00:15:14,880 what, you know, I knew what was up. I knew. So I came home and, you know, I was like, nothing 166 00:15:14,880 --> 00:15:21,160 happened, but I go back to work and there he was, the cop, you know, so it was my excuse. It was 167 00:15:21,160 --> 00:15:26,480 okay. He's the chief of police, you know, and we worked for Stockton State Hospital. We had all 168 00:15:26,480 --> 00:15:31,020 these crazy people coming up to me. And one day there's one guy came up to me and goes, you know, 169 00:15:31,040 --> 00:15:35,680 I want to tell you something that no one knows, you know, but they're going to kill me back there. 170 00:15:35,680 --> 00:15:40,020 You know, they're giving me all these crazy pills. You know, I murdered da, da, da, da. And, 171 00:15:40,440 --> 00:15:44,160 and this da, da, da, da. He goes, there's a reward out for me. I said, where? Where's the reward 172 00:15:44,160 --> 00:15:49,180 out for me? He goes, here, I swear. I want you to report me. I need to get out of here. So I 173 00:15:49,180 --> 00:15:55,540 reported him and I got $5,000. And now, and all I did was put it in, cut him in my nose. You know, 174 00:15:55,580 --> 00:15:59,320 it's all I did with that money, you know, and it's just like, wow. And, you know, that's what 175 00:15:59,320 --> 00:16:04,740 happened. You know, the one time when my, everything was coming back out, my husband started and I could 176 00:16:04,740 --> 00:16:09,840 see what he was slipping back into. And we were, he went fishing with the kids one day and left me 177 00:16:09,840 --> 00:16:14,580 with this little girl at the house. And we, me and my sister-in-law were playing backgammon and 178 00:16:14,580 --> 00:16:20,100 we were good at that, you know, or a tile rummy. And we did all these, you know, we do things like 179 00:16:20,100 --> 00:16:24,740 that. And, you know, when I started to cook some food and they were going to come back from fishing 180 00:16:24,740 --> 00:16:28,660 with the fish, so we could cook the fish and they walked in, this was at eight o'clock in the 181 00:16:28,660 --> 00:16:31,980 morning. It was like five o'clock in the evening when they walked in and he goes, you got this, 182 00:16:32,020 --> 00:16:36,360 it's the food almost ready. And I just looked at them because we were glazing our weed, you know, 183 00:16:36,360 --> 00:16:40,800 powdering there, you know, for a little while, you know, putting powder in the weed and playing 184 00:16:40,800 --> 00:16:46,660 these things. And I said, dang, I said, somebody stepped on crap. You guys smell, your feet smell, 185 00:16:46,980 --> 00:16:52,240 all that smell from over there. And he, all I heard him say, doggone it, little Lupe. And I said, 186 00:16:52,320 --> 00:16:57,340 what? He goes, the beans are burnt, you're a grassman. I said, what? And he looked and the 187 00:16:57,340 --> 00:17:02,460 pots come in, all this, there's no beans. And there was just completely black. And we, we, 188 00:17:02,460 --> 00:17:06,240 well, we, we sniffed it the whole time with the, 189 00:17:06,360 --> 00:17:10,100 the baby right next to me. She was a year old. And, you know, that was when he said, 190 00:17:10,160 --> 00:17:16,340 are you using again? I said, just a little bit. And that was it. You know, we, my life then just 191 00:17:16,340 --> 00:17:22,100 had turned upside down and, you know, he started, you know, doing his thing and I did more because 192 00:17:22,100 --> 00:17:27,140 he was doing this. And I'm just like, oh my God, you know, this, you know, it's cunning and 193 00:17:27,140 --> 00:17:31,580 baffling. I didn't know where I was going. I didn't know what was going to happen. But deep 194 00:17:31,580 --> 00:17:36,120 down somewhere way back here, I said, you know, when I had been introduced, 195 00:17:36,360 --> 00:17:41,980 one time to, to take people to, from Kaiser, you know, to AA meetings, NA meetings, you 196 00:17:41,980 --> 00:17:46,520 know, and it was across the street and I volunteered for it. So I was kind of familiar because 197 00:17:46,520 --> 00:17:50,620 before I went, I was, of course, I got loaded to go take these clients, you know, and I 198 00:17:50,620 --> 00:17:53,900 wasn't one of them, you know, they were the ones that had the problem, you know. And I 199 00:17:53,900 --> 00:17:59,320 just like, oh my God, I said, I just don't understand what's going on with me. But so 200 00:17:59,320 --> 00:18:03,580 we went and we did this and, you know, I said, no, I don't have a problem, you know. So we 201 00:18:03,580 --> 00:18:05,820 ended up moving back to, to Pacoima. 202 00:18:06,360 --> 00:18:11,500 My mom's house, we got a garage. We didn't have no more car. We didn't have the house, 203 00:18:11,500 --> 00:18:18,360 you know, the kids didn't have shoes. I remember, I mean, it just took us down so, so fast that, 204 00:18:18,360 --> 00:18:22,360 you know, I didn't know what was going on. And we moved into the garage and I remember 205 00:18:22,360 --> 00:18:27,040 telling him, you know, we gotta stop this. And he just looked at me, he came back and 206 00:18:27,040 --> 00:18:31,600 he showed me this little crystal white thing. And I'm just like, what is that? I'm always 207 00:18:31,600 --> 00:18:36,360 curious, curious Lupe, you know, always has to be in somebody else's business too. And 208 00:18:36,360 --> 00:18:42,160 he told me, this is how you do it. And that was it. You know, I thought the snorting was 209 00:18:42,160 --> 00:18:46,620 terrible, but I remember having this bottle of tequila in the refrigerator. Cause I was 210 00:18:46,620 --> 00:18:51,460 just sitting there, you know, and it has to be frozen. It had to be cold, you know, and 211 00:18:51,460 --> 00:18:55,860 my babies were already getting, my baby was, um, she was like three years old, I think 212 00:18:55,860 --> 00:19:00,840 when we moved back. And my daughter, she was an eighth student in the fourth grade and 213 00:19:00,840 --> 00:19:05,400 you know, they were, they were doing good, you know, but no, their mom, this, this selfish 214 00:19:05,400 --> 00:19:10,540 and self-centered lady just had to do her way and didn't care about her kids no more. 215 00:19:10,540 --> 00:19:15,780 She didn't care about her mother, her dad in the front house, you know, her, I had six 216 00:19:15,780 --> 00:19:20,500 brothers and sisters. They were so ashamed of me. I could see the shame that I, all that, 217 00:19:20,500 --> 00:19:24,900 that incomprehensible demoralization that I was putting this family through, you know, 218 00:19:24,900 --> 00:19:31,900 and it's just like, oh my God, I kept saying, oh, I feel so awful. And it's just like, oh, 219 00:19:31,900 --> 00:19:35,200 and I'd be drunk. I'd send my daughter out to the tree to get lemons. Cause we had a 220 00:19:35,200 --> 00:19:35,380 bottle of tequila. And I was like, oh my God, I'm so drunk. And I was like, oh my God, I'm 221 00:19:35,380 --> 00:19:39,620 a big old lemon tree. And I just kept taking shots, just, you know, shots after shot, they 222 00:19:39,620 --> 00:19:44,800 would pass out. And finally I got the great idea to put a cardboard box in the middle and put them 223 00:19:44,800 --> 00:19:49,720 on this side. And we were doing our, I ended up getting a styrofoam ice chest and putting ice in 224 00:19:49,720 --> 00:19:56,300 that and putting a half a gallon of milk and a box of Cheerios. And that's what, don't come out of 225 00:19:56,300 --> 00:20:00,160 there. Don't be coming over here and looking what we're doing. I mean, we didn't have no roof. I 226 00:20:00,160 --> 00:20:05,180 mean, everything, all the smoke was still going over there. And I did that to these kids, you 227 00:20:05,180 --> 00:20:09,420 know, the three year old, the earthquake came, the rooms, you know, were falling on top of them, 228 00:20:09,420 --> 00:20:14,280 the dressers. And I could hear them yelling. Do you think I got out to go save my kids? 229 00:20:15,020 --> 00:20:20,220 You know, I didn't move. I had to do the last hit. I had to take the last drink. I had to do what I 230 00:20:20,220 --> 00:20:24,200 have to do for me. And then I'm trying to get it up, you know, by that time, you know, like if 231 00:20:24,200 --> 00:20:28,800 you're, you know, been in the possession of doing, you know, when you're on drugs, sometimes you 232 00:20:28,800 --> 00:20:33,180 can't talk. My mouth would be so cotton dry and they couldn't talk, you know, and I'm just like, 233 00:20:33,180 --> 00:20:33,780 you know, 234 00:20:35,180 --> 00:20:40,400 they were like, mommy, help me, mommy, mommy. And I'm just like, finally, something, something 235 00:20:40,400 --> 00:20:44,860 hit me and I kicked the door and he was passed out, of course, knotted out again, you know, 236 00:20:45,300 --> 00:20:49,580 and I just go, come on, the kids. And my dad had already came running out there and he goes, 237 00:20:49,580 --> 00:20:53,540 why the kids? And I said, they're back there. And the door was jammed. The dressers were on 238 00:20:53,540 --> 00:20:59,080 top of them. And, you know, I felt terrible. So I had to go get loaded again. You know, I just like, 239 00:20:59,360 --> 00:21:04,100 I couldn't stop. I couldn't stay stopped. You know, I would quit for a couple of days and 240 00:21:04,100 --> 00:21:09,180 I couldn't stay stopped. And I went to Kaiser, you know, and I said, I'm going to quit. I'm not 241 00:21:09,180 --> 00:21:13,800 going to do this no more. They, you know, they don't drug test you, but I got my job back, 242 00:21:13,880 --> 00:21:18,660 you know, and I said, okay, I'm going to do this good. It was good for two years. So I was all 243 00:21:18,660 --> 00:21:23,860 right. I was still dabbling. I was still drinking. I was drinking a lot now. And they ended up 244 00:21:23,860 --> 00:21:29,740 telling me that I needed to go to a drug diversion program. And I said, I'm not, you know, an 245 00:21:29,740 --> 00:21:34,080 alcoholism division. I'm not an alcoholic, you know. Well, you have to go to this, you know, 246 00:21:34,080 --> 00:21:38,380 this diversion program. And I said, but I'm not an alcoholic. You know, I don't want to stop 247 00:21:38,380 --> 00:21:42,620 drinking. You know, I want to stop the other stuff. I want to stop the party, you know, 248 00:21:42,680 --> 00:21:47,860 but I'm not an alcoholic. You know, my dad's an alcoholic, you know. They kept telling me, 249 00:21:47,880 --> 00:21:51,320 my doctors kept telling me, you know, you know, you're an alcoholic, you know, you're, 250 00:21:51,440 --> 00:21:56,820 you're really one of us. And I looked at him like, hmm. So, you know, I ended up doing the, 251 00:21:57,100 --> 00:22:01,420 going into the rooms and, you know, the things they were saying that was, that wasn't me, 252 00:22:01,420 --> 00:22:06,240 you know, that wasn't even me. I just like, nah, this is not for me. So, I left, you know. And 253 00:22:06,240 --> 00:22:10,920 again, it came back, you know, and it just like, I ended up coming on vacation. And when I went 254 00:22:10,920 --> 00:22:16,600 back to work, I was like, really, really super tired. And I went to my desk and I fell asleep. 255 00:22:16,720 --> 00:22:21,480 And this lady came banging on my door and telling me, you know, what is wrong with you? And she 256 00:22:21,480 --> 00:22:26,320 scared the heck out of me, you know. I'm a little homegirl from Pacoima. You don't come behind me 257 00:22:26,320 --> 00:22:31,400 and scare the heck out of me, you know. So, I hit her, you know. I hit the, 258 00:22:31,420 --> 00:22:36,500 this patient. And she had a lot of power. I knew who she was. And she says, I'm going to have your 259 00:22:36,500 --> 00:22:42,560 job. And I looked at her and I said, don't point that finger at me. And she kept saying, I'm having 260 00:22:42,560 --> 00:22:46,820 your job. So, I ran. I took off. I wasn't going to, I'd never been busted. The only time they put 261 00:22:46,820 --> 00:22:51,260 those handcuffs on me, they scared me straight. And I said, I ain't going to jail. I'm not going 262 00:22:51,260 --> 00:22:57,000 to do this. So, I ran and I went back home. I went to the Irishman's across the street on Roscoe and 263 00:22:57,000 --> 00:23:01,400 Woodman. And I stood there and drank till one o'clock in the morning. And I said, I'm going to 264 00:23:01,400 --> 00:23:06,440 the morning hiding. Didn't go home. Didn't tell my husband. Didn't call my kids. I ended up taking 265 00:23:06,440 --> 00:23:11,940 off with a friend. Slept at her house. And we ended up coming back the next morning. And I went 266 00:23:11,940 --> 00:23:17,080 home to shower. And I said, what did I do, you know. So, I went back home, you know. And my 267 00:23:17,080 --> 00:23:21,960 husband goes, what's going on? And I said, oh, I quit that job, you know. But I'm not going back 268 00:23:21,960 --> 00:23:26,220 there. They're just, they're telling me all these stuff. And he goes, all right. So, he just, you 269 00:23:26,220 --> 00:23:30,600 know, we started partying again like it was nothing, you know. And I remember at that time, 270 00:23:30,600 --> 00:23:36,500 you know, we just partied and partied. And this was in 1992, the end of 92. And the whole beginning 271 00:23:36,500 --> 00:23:41,340 of 93, you know. And in November of 93, you know, my daughter came up to me and says, you know, 272 00:23:41,360 --> 00:23:44,640 we're done with you. We don't want nothing to do with you. We don't want you here no more, mom. 273 00:23:44,740 --> 00:23:48,520 You know, you're, we don't even know what happened to our mother. You don't look like a mother. 274 00:23:49,660 --> 00:23:54,360 And she goes, you make me sick to my stomach. And she put her hands in my mouth. And I just 275 00:23:54,360 --> 00:23:58,880 thought, what the heck, you know. Why are you talking to me like that? She goes, mom, look at 276 00:23:58,880 --> 00:24:03,300 you. We don't even know where our mom's at anymore. And she goes, look at you. We could see you through 277 00:24:03,300 --> 00:24:08,300 the pole, you know. That's how skinny you are. And I looked. And I said, so I told him, look what you 278 00:24:08,300 --> 00:24:13,460 did. Look what you did to these kids. I blamed him the whole time. Never, not once did I say, so 279 00:24:13,460 --> 00:24:17,680 he left. You know, get the, get out of here. I don't want you here. I don't want nothing to do 280 00:24:17,680 --> 00:24:22,600 with you in this house. And just go. And he just looked. I mean, he left. You know, he went on his 281 00:24:22,600 --> 00:24:28,740 merry way, of course, you know. So, I stood there. And it was like in November, December came around. 282 00:24:28,740 --> 00:24:33,440 And, you know, I was just trying, trying to survive. You know, my friends would come over 283 00:24:33,440 --> 00:24:38,080 to do things with me. But all I was doing then was just drinking tequila and drinking Cisco. 284 00:24:38,220 --> 00:24:42,600 That's all I was doing. And one night, I got a hair on my butt. And I said, I'm going to try 285 00:24:42,600 --> 00:24:47,380 this. I've never gone to the Connect. I never went to go get stuff for me. So, I tried to do it. 286 00:24:47,500 --> 00:24:52,480 Man, you know, I've never been in the streets, you know. And I knocked on the door. And the guy 287 00:24:52,480 --> 00:24:58,640 was very nice. Oh, come on in. Come on in. And I'm like, oh, my God. You know, my worst 288 00:24:58,640 --> 00:25:04,600 nightmare, you know. I have six brothers. So, I knew how to get my way out of there by this. 289 00:25:05,240 --> 00:25:09,920 I don't know how I did it. But I ended up running out of that house with just my t-shirt on and ran 290 00:25:09,920 --> 00:25:13,780 down the street calling for help, you know, because I knew these guys were going to kill me 291 00:25:13,780 --> 00:25:17,760 because I didn't do what they wanted me to do. And, you know, I ended up calling somebody that 292 00:25:17,760 --> 00:25:22,920 I knew in the room, the only guy's phone number that I had. And I told him I was in trouble. And 293 00:25:22,920 --> 00:25:27,420 I knew that I was in trouble. And he goes, well, you know, you've been around for about two years 294 00:25:27,420 --> 00:25:31,920 and in and out, in and out. Maybe you need an outpatient program. And I just looked at him and 295 00:25:31,920 --> 00:25:36,980 I said, oh, my God, I'll try anything because the kids don't want me in the house. My dad's 296 00:25:36,980 --> 00:25:40,920 locking me out. My dad doesn't want him there. So, I ended up going to this outpatient program 297 00:25:40,920 --> 00:25:47,700 called El Proyecto in Van Nuys, down the street from Panorama City. And, you know, I ended up 298 00:25:47,700 --> 00:25:53,680 surrendering. I surrendered to the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. I remember before I did 299 00:25:53,680 --> 00:25:57,400 this, when I didn't surrender, I had gotten clean. I had gotten clean. I had gotten clean. I had gotten 300 00:25:57,420 --> 00:26:04,380 clean from doing the party goods. And I had 60 days, 90 days. Man, I was excited. So, what did 301 00:26:04,380 --> 00:26:10,780 we do? I went to the bar to celebrate, you know, and brag to the bartender. And he goes, little 302 00:26:10,780 --> 00:26:18,020 Lupe, he goes, don't drink it. And I said, no, dude, I did no drugs, none, none no more in 60 303 00:26:18,020 --> 00:26:22,040 days. I'm good. I'm good. He goes, you take that drink, you're going to start all over. I said, 304 00:26:22,040 --> 00:26:27,160 I took the drink and the drink took me. And the next thing I knew was three months later, 305 00:26:27,160 --> 00:26:32,360 one more time, you know, one more time. And I'm just like, oh my God, I did it again. So, 306 00:26:32,440 --> 00:26:38,440 I went back to El Proyecto. I started all over. I surrender. I knew that first drink was the first 307 00:26:38,440 --> 00:26:41,940 drink that was going to get me drunk. That was going to get me loaded. That was going to bring 308 00:26:41,940 --> 00:26:47,260 me to my knees. I knew it then. So, I did surrender. And I just ended up going to that 309 00:26:47,260 --> 00:26:52,820 program. I remember telling my little girl, you know, I'm doing good now. No more drinking either. 310 00:26:52,820 --> 00:26:56,740 And she goes, yeah, yeah, whatever, mom. Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever, mom, whatever. You know, 311 00:26:57,160 --> 00:27:02,240 you're going to be 13. And I ended up, you know, I did do the program. I remember graduating a year 312 00:27:02,240 --> 00:27:07,880 and five months later because it took me a while to do the steps. You know, it took me a while to 313 00:27:07,880 --> 00:27:12,660 say I would get a sponsor. You know, it took me a while to say, you know, who's going to tell me 314 00:27:12,660 --> 00:27:17,500 what to do? Not, you know, I'm not going to let them tell me what to do. And I just had to, you 315 00:27:17,500 --> 00:27:24,000 know, I found a sponsor that I liked, a Mexican girl, Chola Luki. And man, she was crazy. I'm just 316 00:27:24,000 --> 00:27:27,140 like, I don't want to talk to you no more. Then I found an Oklahoma. 317 00:27:27,160 --> 00:27:30,520 little girl, you know, and I tried to do a lot of stuff to her. And she was like, no, 318 00:27:30,600 --> 00:27:34,480 you got to go back and do it this way. I don't want her either. Then I went and found another 319 00:27:34,480 --> 00:27:38,840 girl, you know, who had over like 15 years. And, you know, she was my sponsor. And she was my 320 00:27:38,840 --> 00:27:44,380 sponsor for the first 10, 12 years of sobriety. And, you know, she, I just gave her everything. 321 00:27:44,540 --> 00:27:48,440 You know, she just told me everything, you know, I respected her. And then, you know, 322 00:27:48,520 --> 00:27:53,900 I ended up losing her because she went back out at 25 years of sobriety. And I just said, 323 00:27:53,900 --> 00:27:57,140 you know, I'm 10 years sober. I don't need her. I don't need, 324 00:27:57,160 --> 00:28:01,320 no more sponsoring. I could do this by myself. And, you know, the rooms, I started getting, 325 00:28:01,400 --> 00:28:05,580 you know, involved in doing what I'm supposed to do one day at a time. Easy does it. And, 326 00:28:05,760 --> 00:28:11,320 and I just tell the, the girls, I'm okay. I surrender. I surrender. And I was doing what 327 00:28:11,320 --> 00:28:14,380 I was supposed to do. And, you know, the 11th step, you know, I sought through prayer and 328 00:28:14,380 --> 00:28:18,840 meditation and proved my conscious contact with God. God was the one that saved me. I know God 329 00:28:18,840 --> 00:28:24,500 had me then. And I knew that. My dad died in my first year of sobriety of alcoholism. He got 330 00:28:24,500 --> 00:28:29,700 killed in a, in a drunk driving accident. He let his friend drive because he was too drunk and the 331 00:28:29,700 --> 00:28:33,660 guy killed him. And I'll never forget that. And I was a year and two months sober already. And, 332 00:28:33,840 --> 00:28:38,160 and I don't want to ever die like that. I don't want to leave my kids. You know, he left 10 kids 333 00:28:38,160 --> 00:28:43,940 behind for this little lady, our normie mom, you know, to take care of us, you know. And I promised 334 00:28:43,940 --> 00:28:49,060 her that I would not do that to my kids and have her have to suffer with all these kids, you know. 335 00:28:49,400 --> 00:28:54,120 So that promise still stands, you know. I remember when I graduated, I told my mom, you know, 336 00:28:54,120 --> 00:28:57,580 you, mom, you have to go. And she was just, you know, they were embarrassed of me. They were 337 00:28:57,580 --> 00:29:02,160 embarrassed that I was an AA. My family was embarrassed that I was an Alcoholics Anonymous, 338 00:29:02,400 --> 00:29:08,100 especially to say Narcotics Anonymous. Oh God, you know, I'll put the cross on that girl, you know, 339 00:29:08,460 --> 00:29:12,620 you don't say that. My brother says, what's wrong with you? I said, don't you guys see that I have 340 00:29:12,620 --> 00:29:18,020 a better life? I'm, I'm doing good, you know. And after that, I just looked at him and it was hard, 341 00:29:18,100 --> 00:29:22,400 you know, to stay away from my family, but I had to do it because if I would go to the, 342 00:29:22,400 --> 00:29:27,340 to my family's house, I wanted to drink all the time. If I would go with my sisters, 343 00:29:27,340 --> 00:29:33,500 I wanted to drink all the time. And I just, slippery places weren't, weren't for me no more, 344 00:29:33,580 --> 00:29:37,800 you know. I couldn't do that, you know. I, so I had to pull away. It was a year sober. I got a job 345 00:29:37,800 --> 00:29:44,340 at UPS and I moved me and my three little kids out to the, to San Fernando across from the park. So, 346 00:29:44,460 --> 00:29:50,720 you know, I got this job at UPS working graveyard and the, they had the park, you know. I, I enrolled 347 00:29:50,720 --> 00:29:55,280 in all kinds of programs so I could sleep and then at night I went to work and I started my 348 00:29:55,280 --> 00:30:00,300 journey and I knew then, you know, I've done it for so many years, I could do it again. And we 349 00:30:00,300 --> 00:30:07,000 were good, you know. I was like, I was head whole with AA and I was taking them here and, you know, 350 00:30:07,000 --> 00:30:12,140 that program told me that if I did 90 meetings in 90 days, the first one who did it would get a 351 00:30:12,140 --> 00:30:17,640 trip to Disneyland, package of four. And I said, three kids and me, that's me, that's my, that's 352 00:30:17,640 --> 00:30:20,680 my ticket to Disneyland, right? So, I went. 353 00:30:20,720 --> 00:30:26,220 Head on to do that thing and I won them, you know. I won those tickets to Disneyland for my kids 354 00:30:26,220 --> 00:30:30,880 to prove to them that their mom was going to change, you know. And my daughter got the tickets 355 00:30:30,880 --> 00:30:35,060 and waved at me. She goes, so what does this mean? And I just said, it doesn't mean nothing. I just 356 00:30:35,060 --> 00:30:38,840 won them because I want you to know that I'm going to meetings. I'm doing the meetings. They didn't 357 00:30:38,840 --> 00:30:44,180 believe me and they finally just looked at me and they go, whatever, mom. And I said, it was like, 358 00:30:44,220 --> 00:30:49,760 I couldn't please my kids. I couldn't please my mom. I couldn't please anybody, you know. So, 359 00:30:49,760 --> 00:30:56,120 you walk into AA, hey, six months, nine months, ten. Now, it's your birthday. You get a Twinkie 360 00:30:56,120 --> 00:31:02,100 at six months. I was like, eh, you know. I mean, it's a different world, you know. Nobody would 361 00:31:02,100 --> 00:31:07,360 understand but us alcoholics, you know. Nobody would understand. And I remember I just looked 362 00:31:07,360 --> 00:31:12,240 at them and my mom went to my graduation. No, she just went, I can't go, you know. And I kept 363 00:31:12,240 --> 00:31:16,160 bragging, you know. And my brother goes, you're bragging that you're going to take a year cake 364 00:31:16,160 --> 00:31:19,740 and you're graduating from a drug program and you won't get a ticket to Disneyland. And I said, 365 00:31:19,760 --> 00:31:25,260 I want us to go support your show. You're crazy, man. They brainwashed you, girl. And I looked at 366 00:31:25,260 --> 00:31:30,240 them and I said, first of all, you guys were like calling me all these names of crack kids and 367 00:31:30,240 --> 00:31:35,100 sucked up and Juicy Lucy. I don't know what they were telling me I was. And I'm just like, 368 00:31:35,240 --> 00:31:40,540 now I'm telling you I'm doing so good, you guys. And they said, you know, just don't tell them what 369 00:31:40,540 --> 00:31:46,280 your last name is, you know. Don't give us away. And I'm just like, you're all alcoholics. And 370 00:31:46,280 --> 00:31:49,600 they just looked at me and said, just don't give us away. And I'm just, he goes, what, 371 00:31:49,760 --> 00:31:53,360 goes in our house, stays in our house. And that's what's always been, you know. And I'm just like, 372 00:31:53,400 --> 00:31:57,780 oh my God. And, you know, I remember graduating. Everybody had their family there. They all had 373 00:31:57,780 --> 00:32:02,820 flowers, you know. And I remember, and I was the main speaker that day, you know. And I was just 374 00:32:02,820 --> 00:32:08,040 like, and I said, I wish my family was here. And I started crying. And I looked up and I don't know 375 00:32:08,040 --> 00:32:12,240 what it was. I could see like a little glare up there. And I looked up and it's my mom hiding 376 00:32:12,240 --> 00:32:19,040 behind a tree, you know. And I guess my sister took, I couldn't see my sister, but afterwards I 377 00:32:19,040 --> 00:32:23,380 seen her and, and they were both just like this, you know. And I said, what? And I said, that's my 378 00:32:23,380 --> 00:32:29,400 mom over there behind the tree. And, and everybody clapped for her. And, and, you know, today my mom's 379 00:32:29,400 --> 00:32:34,100 my main escrow. She goes with me to, to my business meetings. You know, she goes with me to 380 00:32:34,100 --> 00:32:39,100 the meetings. She knows Pete very well. She knows my other girls that I hang out with. You know, 381 00:32:39,160 --> 00:32:44,120 she just, my mom is not embarrassed of me anymore. You know, my mom is not embarrassed. And she says, 382 00:32:44,360 --> 00:32:48,880 oh, we're going to the meeting today. My brother goes, what meeting, mom? To AA. Today they're 383 00:32:48,880 --> 00:32:49,020 taking me to the meeting. And I'm like, what meeting? And she goes, oh, we're going to the 384 00:32:49,020 --> 00:32:53,540 meeting. And I'm like, we're taking a cake for 30 years. She knows everybody, you know. And I just 385 00:32:53,540 --> 00:32:59,740 like, I love this lady. You know, I just thank sobriety. I thank the rooms of AA that brought 386 00:32:59,740 --> 00:33:05,000 my life back to my family. You know, I just thank them so much. You know, today I like, they have 387 00:33:05,000 --> 00:33:10,340 the, the Alcaton, but Maine is my youngest granddaughter's birthday tomorrow. And they're 388 00:33:10,340 --> 00:33:15,300 having a cake for her today. I go, didn't I ask you to tell me this like a month ago? She goes, 389 00:33:15,300 --> 00:33:18,760 we just decided today. So I had to make a decision to turn. 390 00:33:18,760 --> 00:33:23,320 Am I willing in my life? Let me see. I was going to tell somebody, do you want to take my place 391 00:33:23,320 --> 00:33:28,880 today at Quality of Life? Because like, it's my, yeah, I was going to do that. But I was told, 392 00:33:29,000 --> 00:33:33,200 you know, what was freely given to me, I don't give it away. So my granddaughter just has to 393 00:33:33,200 --> 00:33:37,540 wait till Monday. And that was it, you know, and I just was going to walk out the rooms and he, 394 00:33:37,680 --> 00:33:41,220 Pete walked into the Alcaton. He goes, where are you going? I thought, I'm going to go get dressed. 395 00:33:41,280 --> 00:33:44,720 I got to go to Quality of Life. And he goes, where's the girls? I go, they're all busy doing 396 00:33:44,720 --> 00:33:48,680 this. And, and he goes, I'm going with you. You know, who would do that? You know, 397 00:33:48,880 --> 00:33:53,140 nothing, nobody, but your friends in AA, you know, we'll do something just to come with you, 398 00:33:53,160 --> 00:33:57,160 you know? And he brought me, you know, and it's just like, I've been here a while, a long time 399 00:33:57,160 --> 00:34:01,600 ago. You know, I got, remember that little alley that you had to find to get in here? And I remember 400 00:34:01,600 --> 00:34:05,020 those because those were the streets I would look for, you know, with my husband, you know, but, 401 00:34:05,380 --> 00:34:10,040 you know, today, you know, I ended up coming to these rooms. I got clean, you know, my life 402 00:34:10,040 --> 00:34:15,420 changed. You know, I would love, you know, working at UPS, even though they didn't understand that I 403 00:34:15,420 --> 00:34:18,740 needed to be a receptionist, not on unloading these trucks and, you know, I was like, I'm going to go 404 00:34:18,740 --> 00:34:23,520 out all dirty. And I come out of my sweat, you can see all the drips all over my face. I mean, 405 00:34:23,860 --> 00:34:30,020 it's a hard job. And I was 40 something years old working with these 18 year old, 19 year old kids, 406 00:34:30,120 --> 00:34:36,400 you know, and my combat boots, my hair up in a chongo. And I, I looked at God and I said, 407 00:34:36,460 --> 00:34:40,880 this is a joke. The joke's on me, you know? And I just like, but I got used to it. You know, 408 00:34:40,900 --> 00:34:44,800 I ended up being the main sorter and, and I kicked butt with those boys, you know, 409 00:34:44,800 --> 00:34:48,720 it kept me sober, you know, we ended up going to a little car auction, 410 00:34:48,740 --> 00:34:54,860 what time do I stop? I can't even see that. But I ended up going to this car auction. And 411 00:34:54,860 --> 00:35:00,400 this is one of my little stories that I love because they came around to sell this car. I 412 00:35:00,400 --> 00:35:05,140 had a thousand dollars and you had to get the little thing and say, I'll do 20. I'm going to 413 00:35:05,140 --> 00:35:10,480 do this. It started at $20 and it went up to 850. And I'm like, so I'm just going, Hey, and you know, 414 00:35:10,500 --> 00:35:14,660 we were late, you know, we couldn't even see, I just seen the nice little Volkswagen Rabbit going 415 00:35:14,660 --> 00:35:18,480 around. And, and finally the guy that was out trying to outbid me said, 416 00:35:18,740 --> 00:35:23,800 you could have it for 850. And I said, thank you. And I just walked away. And I said, Oh my God, 417 00:35:23,800 --> 00:35:26,860 my daughter just looked at me. She goes, I don't like the car. And I said, well, you're, it's not 418 00:35:26,860 --> 00:35:30,640 yours. It's for me. It's for me to take you guys to school. And so I go to pay the guy and the guy 419 00:35:30,640 --> 00:35:34,840 goes, did you look at the car? Did you go up there and check it out? And I said, I looked at it. I go, 420 00:35:34,920 --> 00:35:39,340 but you know, I did what? It's a car, you know, it's running, it's driving around, you know? So 421 00:35:39,340 --> 00:35:44,700 he goes, well, go look at the car. And so I go up there and I said, what the heck? The car has no 422 00:35:44,700 --> 00:35:52,560 seats, no dorm seats. Who sells cars for no seats? It's a car auction. I said, Oh my God. I go, I 423 00:35:52,560 --> 00:35:56,940 don't believe I argue with this guy at the thing that I wasn't going to do it. I wasn't going to 424 00:35:56,940 --> 00:36:02,980 give him the money. He goes, you bought it. That's your car. And I'm still my daughter. And she, he 425 00:36:02,980 --> 00:36:07,880 looked at me, goes, ma'am, are you a friend of Bill? I don't know no damn Bill. And he goes, 426 00:36:07,960 --> 00:36:13,420 ma'am, are you a friend of Bill's? I go, I have no clue. Tell me Pepe, Jose, Joe, 427 00:36:14,700 --> 00:36:21,160 hey Bill, don't mess with Bill. I know the song, you know? I said, no. And then my daughter 428 00:36:21,160 --> 00:36:25,800 looked at me, goes, mom, it's those things hanging on your, cause she was in the DARE program. It's 429 00:36:25,800 --> 00:36:30,340 all those chains hanging on your pants. And I go, Oh, that guy. I go, I know who you're talking 430 00:36:30,340 --> 00:36:34,780 about. And I said, yeah. He goes, come on. And I said, a year and three months, something like 431 00:36:34,780 --> 00:36:38,620 that. And he goes, why don't you go to the restroom, pray about it, talk to your sponsor, 432 00:36:38,900 --> 00:36:44,400 and let me see what I could do for you. And I said, but who sells a car with no seats, man? 433 00:36:45,000 --> 00:36:50,180 And I came back and long story short, it's, you know, he went to Pep Boys across the street and 434 00:36:50,180 --> 00:36:56,000 bought seats for my car. And I said, and I said, what do I owe you? I don't got no more money. You 435 00:36:56,000 --> 00:37:01,220 took all my money. You didn't tell me how to pay for license and registration too. And he goes, 436 00:37:01,220 --> 00:37:04,840 it's all right. He goes, when you get into sobriety and I want you to keep trudging the 437 00:37:04,840 --> 00:37:09,380 life, happy life with this. And I just looked at him like, what is he talking about? Like, okay, 438 00:37:09,500 --> 00:37:14,380 okay. You know, I had to say something and I said, okay, thank you. Thank you. And then after that, 439 00:37:14,460 --> 00:37:14,540 my, 440 00:37:14,700 --> 00:37:18,980 my daughter goes, that means you have to give back. And I just let, she's been in that program 441 00:37:18,980 --> 00:37:23,500 that she knew more than what I did, you know? So I ended up, you know, going home, getting into the 442 00:37:23,500 --> 00:37:28,080 car and, and I told the guy, I go, the car is not starting, man. What's wrong with this car? Not 443 00:37:28,080 --> 00:37:32,960 what? Does it have a battery at least? And he looked at me, he goes, honey, it's stick. You 444 00:37:32,960 --> 00:37:37,940 got to press it. I said, oh my God. He goes, don't tell me. And I said, yes, I don't drive stick. 445 00:37:38,060 --> 00:37:43,420 What's the big deal? But he taught me. It took us like maybe two hours to get home. But you know, 446 00:37:43,520 --> 00:37:44,640 that car lasted. 447 00:37:44,700 --> 00:37:50,840 It took me for the, my first 15 years of sobriety. And it was a gift from God. You know, it was a gift 448 00:37:50,840 --> 00:37:56,020 from God. I ended up getting married in this program. I remember saying, oh man, I met this 449 00:37:56,020 --> 00:38:01,400 new guy and, you know, we got married. We were together for nine years and he was a gift from 450 00:38:01,400 --> 00:38:07,320 hell, you know? So I related, related to the speaker, you know, I related to you. And I just 451 00:38:07,320 --> 00:38:12,700 like, I said, oh my God. And, you know, he was terrible, you know? And I just, you know, I was 452 00:38:12,700 --> 00:38:16,980 doing things. I was a dry drug. I went away from the brooms, you know, because he promised me the 453 00:38:16,980 --> 00:38:22,520 rose garden and dah, dah, dah, dah. And oh my God, I remember saying one day, I need to get out of 454 00:38:22,520 --> 00:38:28,320 this marriage. I need to get out of here. He ended up losing some money. And, you know, you know, me 455 00:38:28,320 --> 00:38:36,180 with my X-rated X glasses, I looked, I said, did he drop something? I ran out there. Man, it was $200 456 00:38:36,180 --> 00:38:40,380 bill. I picked it up, put it in my pocket, ran back upstairs. And the morning goes, man, he goes, 457 00:38:40,380 --> 00:38:42,420 I lost money last night. I go, you better go find it. 458 00:38:42,700 --> 00:38:48,380 Bill's due. So I went to the alley with him, looking there with flashlights. And it's in my 459 00:38:48,380 --> 00:38:52,480 back pocket the whole time. Who does that in sobriety? Who does stuff like that? You're not 460 00:38:52,480 --> 00:38:57,840 supposed to do that, you guys. It's an honest program, even outside the room. So I ended up 461 00:38:57,840 --> 00:39:02,700 telling him, you know, I don't know. So I wished, you know, something to, some sign, you know? 462 00:39:02,880 --> 00:39:07,240 So one day I came home from work and I came out to the thing and I found, I came home from work 463 00:39:07,240 --> 00:39:11,500 and I found my 23-year-old daughter dead. Her name was Angel. She had a seizure in the middle 464 00:39:11,500 --> 00:39:12,680 of the night and got. 465 00:39:12,700 --> 00:39:16,540 Took her from me. And, you know, she was a beautiful girl. She had a little baby boy, 466 00:39:16,640 --> 00:39:21,220 a little one-year-old little baby boy. He just was born. And my life was over, you know, 467 00:39:21,240 --> 00:39:25,420 and I was miserable with this guy. And, you know, but one of my friends, the one that took me to 468 00:39:25,420 --> 00:39:29,500 that outpatient program, knocked on my door and says, it's time for you to go home. I said, 469 00:39:29,520 --> 00:39:33,480 but I don't have my baby no more. He goes, you didn't have him when you came to AA and you got 470 00:39:33,480 --> 00:39:37,780 him back. He goes, you need your life back. And I did. I came back to AA. You know, it's going to 471 00:39:37,780 --> 00:39:42,620 be 12 years next month that my daughter has been gone. Today, my little boy, he's 13 years 472 00:39:42,620 --> 00:39:47,660 old, you know, he had to make a decision to be with me or his dad. And he picked his dad. And 473 00:39:47,660 --> 00:39:52,520 they took him away from me. And now again, one more time. But you know what? I didn't drink no 474 00:39:52,520 --> 00:39:57,340 matter what. And I'm not want to drink no matter what. I don't want to do any of this. I want to 475 00:39:57,340 --> 00:40:00,960 keep living my life. So when that little boy knocks on my door and says, he called me mom, 476 00:40:01,080 --> 00:40:04,660 he goes, mom, I'm home. I want to be able to reach my arms out and hug him and said, 477 00:40:05,160 --> 00:40:10,120 I've never left you, son. I'm here waiting for you. That's what the rooms of AA has taught me. 478 00:40:10,120 --> 00:40:12,600 So I'm here to tell you that no matter what, 479 00:40:12,620 --> 00:40:17,600 that's what they are in these rooms. Meeting people make it. Step one, two, and three every 480 00:40:17,600 --> 00:40:24,020 day. We live them every single day, you guys. Get a sponsor. Do what we have. Put one foot in front 481 00:40:24,020 --> 00:40:27,720 of the other and listen to those old timers because they know what the heck they're talking 482 00:40:27,720 --> 00:40:33,300 about, whether we want to believe it or not. But for that, you know, I am so thankful for God. 483 00:40:33,760 --> 00:40:37,700 I thank you for my room. I thank you for my brother Pete that comes with me. We've been 484 00:40:37,700 --> 00:40:42,600 together for a long time as friends, you know, but we've been together. That's my 485 00:40:42,620 --> 00:40:47,820 boy. We go everywhere. And you know what? That's what a gentleman is. This man right 486 00:40:47,820 --> 00:40:52,820 here to me, you know, he's the man of my dreams that he treats me with respect. And we, there's 487 00:40:52,820 --> 00:40:57,340 other three other girls that are running. It's always him. You know, he has all of us. But you 488 00:40:57,340 --> 00:41:01,060 know what? I'm thankful. Thank you for letting me share. And thank you everybody for having me here.