1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:19,680 Thank you, Oscar, for asking me to participate in my recovery. I say doing a 12-step call on me, 2 00:00:19,680 --> 00:00:25,200 so I can stay sober today. Instead, I'm just at home plotting my demise to destroy the world. 3 00:00:25,200 --> 00:00:29,120 That's what I do. My alcoholism is like pinky in the brain. I don't know if you've ever seen that, 4 00:00:29,120 --> 00:00:32,800 but I like that little cartoon. What are we doing tonight, boss? Taking over the world, 5 00:00:32,800 --> 00:00:38,720 like we do every night. That's what my head be telling me. Okay. My sobriety date, 6 00:00:38,720 --> 00:00:46,000 let's start with that. My sobriety date is March 29th, 1990. But for the grace of God, 7 00:00:46,000 --> 00:00:52,640 I've been with you all for the last 29 years. Crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy. Thank you to our 8 00:00:52,640 --> 00:00:56,800 10-minute speakers. I was like, they did that in 10 minutes. I shouldn't get this much time. 9 00:00:56,800 --> 00:01:00,400 They checked in a lot. I was like, I should be able to do that. So I'm going to do 10 minutes, 10 00:01:00,400 --> 00:01:03,680 then we're done. That was a lot in 10 minutes. I was like, that's cool. 11 00:01:04,560 --> 00:01:09,520 I always have a share before I share. It just helps me out a little bit. And that is that I, 12 00:01:09,520 --> 00:01:14,400 no matter how often I do this, I continue to find it awkward and uncomfortable, 13 00:01:14,400 --> 00:01:21,120 extremely intimidating. And I love when we do that because some of y'all don't dare come up here to 14 00:01:21,120 --> 00:01:25,680 read. That's number one. So y'all say in awe, but let them ask you to read. And y'all be like, oh, 15 00:01:25,680 --> 00:01:30,640 you're sweating, you're peeing on yourself, and you just read it. And I love when I tell people 16 00:01:30,640 --> 00:01:34,560 I'm nervous and they're like, oh, it's just a bunch of drunks. And I'm like the most critical, 17 00:01:34,560 --> 00:01:38,800 judgmental. I'd rather share in front of a PTA. You know what I'm saying? Anyway, 18 00:01:39,440 --> 00:01:44,880 what are you talking about? Okay. So I do that to get me out of the way. No, 19 00:01:44,880 --> 00:01:48,720 because that's all self, right? When I'm thinking about it, just so I, it just takes 20 00:01:48,720 --> 00:01:55,440 the power out of that. So I always believe that the day I have a sense of arrogance and confidence 21 00:01:55,440 --> 00:01:59,600 about coming out up here is the day I probably need to sit down. That's really what I feel about 22 00:01:59,600 --> 00:02:04,640 that. So I'm always, that's my little spot check on that. I want to welcome our new friends. Welcome 23 00:02:04,640 --> 00:02:08,720 home. We've been praying for you and we ask you to keep coming back. Don't leave five minutes before 24 00:02:08,720 --> 00:02:12,160 the miracle happens and let us love you too. You can learn to love yourself and it's going to be 25 00:02:12,160 --> 00:02:15,520 all right. You know, I heard you don't have to take a drink again if you want to, and more 26 00:02:15,520 --> 00:02:20,000 importantly, even if you don't want to. And this program does work if you work it. I always wish 27 00:02:20,000 --> 00:02:24,320 the newcomer the gift of desperation. So that's what it took for me. And I'm telling you, it's 28 00:02:24,320 --> 00:02:29,120 going to be all right. Just hold on. Any old timers in the house, thank you for my life and 29 00:02:29,120 --> 00:02:33,740 my sobriety. I still want what you have. I thank you for suiting up and showing up and letting me 30 00:02:33,740 --> 00:02:38,040 know that I too can recover one day at a time. It's always significant for me to acknowledge 31 00:02:38,040 --> 00:02:42,560 the old timers. The newcomer is so important, but so is the old timers. I don't know where I would 32 00:02:42,560 --> 00:02:46,820 be if it wasn't for them being here. I'm grateful not so much that they haven't taken a drink 33 00:02:46,820 --> 00:02:50,420 because the program works, but what impresses me is that they haven't killed themselves or 34 00:02:50,420 --> 00:02:53,920 somebody else. After a while, that becomes an option. You know what I mean? And there's 35 00:02:54,320 --> 00:02:57,620 something else that I'm attracted to. I'm not sure if this happens in your home group, 36 00:02:57,620 --> 00:03:01,940 but it happens in mine. And I don't know why I like this, but I do. And that is that I've 37 00:03:01,940 --> 00:03:07,700 watched most of those old timers. They've been together for the last 40, 50 years. And some of 38 00:03:07,700 --> 00:03:12,260 them still don't like one another. And there's something about that I dig, man. I just do. I 39 00:03:12,260 --> 00:03:17,000 just dig it. I don't know. They still, you know, one of them or two get up and people still roll 40 00:03:17,000 --> 00:03:22,220 in their eyes. You think at 40 years, they're like, still here. You know, I don't know. I just 41 00:03:22,220 --> 00:03:24,300 like that. You know? And they're like, that's right. I'm still here. I'm still here. I'm still here. 42 00:03:24,320 --> 00:03:30,020 Anyway, I think it's the coolest thing. So thank you for showing up despite, you know, 43 00:03:30,160 --> 00:03:33,360 I get an opportunity to share with you in a general way, what we used to be like, 44 00:03:33,380 --> 00:03:36,620 what happened and what we're like now. And if you knew there's a reason for that. 45 00:03:36,740 --> 00:03:40,560 And our literature, it talks about a message of depth and weight. It is the language of the heart. 46 00:03:40,680 --> 00:03:45,020 It is the music I have found in these rooms. Nobody else has been able to capture my attention 47 00:03:45,020 --> 00:03:49,340 the way you all have captured mine. And I always tell the newcomer, I hope you hear the music. 48 00:03:49,340 --> 00:03:54,020 It goes past our disease that's centered in our thinking. It goes straight into your heart. 49 00:03:54,320 --> 00:03:58,860 And once the seed's been planted, you can't drink the same again. And we heard that from our speakers, 50 00:03:59,240 --> 00:04:02,620 you know? And I invite you to listen to similarities and not the differences. 51 00:04:02,980 --> 00:04:07,740 And you get to ask yourself some questions like that happened to me. I felt that way too. And 52 00:04:07,740 --> 00:04:12,400 most importantly, perhaps this program can work for me. So I get to give you a reader's digest. 53 00:04:12,840 --> 00:04:17,120 And some people have certainly heard my story. And I tell folks, you've heard it. I keep having 54 00:04:17,120 --> 00:04:24,300 to tell it. So anyway, I do every one of the makeup stuff. And I talked to my sponsor, 55 00:04:24,320 --> 00:04:30,240 often about, can I just like not do this anymore? But I don't know. I just believe that God in its 56 00:04:30,240 --> 00:04:35,580 infinite wisdom somehow must believe if he doesn't put me in front of you, you'll lose me. I don't 57 00:04:35,580 --> 00:04:40,640 know why I feel that way. Anyway, I never knew that my experience can benefit others and that 58 00:04:40,640 --> 00:04:45,940 my worst liability would become my greatest asset. It's just trippy. There's a lot going on in my 59 00:04:45,940 --> 00:04:50,060 life here today. So let's see how this works out. Just funny. I was sitting there listening to 60 00:04:50,060 --> 00:04:54,020 everyone and everybody, oh, you look so pretty. And I'm, I don't know. I'll talk about that in a 61 00:04:54,020 --> 00:04:58,960 minute, but I can certainly pull myself together. But I was telling my sponsor, Ivana, like last 62 00:04:58,960 --> 00:05:03,700 night I was on my way to speak at another meeting. I'm damn near somewhere, part of the world, all 63 00:05:03,700 --> 00:05:08,680 over the greater Los Angeles area every day. But I was on my way yesterday and I don't know, 64 00:05:08,820 --> 00:05:13,300 something happened to me. I was laughing, Tony, that I didn't see you there, but I thought they 65 00:05:13,300 --> 00:05:17,260 were going to end up asking you to speak. I didn't make it. I had to pull over, call the ambulance. 66 00:05:17,780 --> 00:05:22,540 It was funny. I called the secretary and I'm like, I don't know what's wrong. My hands are numb. I'm 67 00:05:22,540 --> 00:05:24,000 dizzy. I'm blacking out. I don't know what's wrong. I don't know what's wrong. I don't know what's wrong. 68 00:05:24,020 --> 00:05:27,820 So I just want you to know I'm going to be a little late. Just running a little late. As soon 69 00:05:27,820 --> 00:05:31,440 as I get it together, I'll be right there. She was like, I think you need to call 911. 70 00:05:32,260 --> 00:05:38,390 I was like, you think so? She was like, uh, yeah. Anyway, that was funny. I'm passing out, 71 00:05:38,450 --> 00:05:42,410 but I'll be there in a minute. Nothing changes, right? That's back in the day when I was drinking. 72 00:05:42,490 --> 00:05:48,530 I'll be there in a minute. Anyway, whatever. So anyway, paramedics came and the fire department, 73 00:05:48,670 --> 00:05:51,850 of course, the first thing that comes out of my mouth when they come, are you okay? I'm like, 74 00:05:51,850 --> 00:05:54,090 my mother's in the car. She has Alzheimer's. 75 00:05:54,370 --> 00:06:01,170 I was worried. You know, mommy. Anyway, check out my mom, y'all. So it turns out I was okay, 76 00:06:01,350 --> 00:06:06,750 but believe it or not, they said I had anxiety. And I was like, really? I didn't realize I had 77 00:06:06,750 --> 00:06:10,950 anxiety. You know, I wasn't like consciously aware of that. But he said, you're having an 78 00:06:10,950 --> 00:06:15,290 anxiety attack. And I don't know, the man was spiritual, but he was like, you have a lot going 79 00:06:15,290 --> 00:06:20,090 on. And I think that's what's happening to you. And I just started crying, you know, because I 80 00:06:20,090 --> 00:06:24,350 just know how to suit it up and show up. But I'm like, so it just came out. And I was like, 81 00:06:24,370 --> 00:06:30,990 I was talking to my sponsor today and telling him that sometimes I just get tired about I want 82 00:06:30,990 --> 00:06:36,270 to have secrets too. And I have a disease called alcoholism. And it wants to just act as if and 83 00:06:36,270 --> 00:06:41,330 pretend nothing's wrong. And there's stuff that's wrong. And I'm just a little tired. So I came out 84 00:06:41,330 --> 00:06:45,010 yesterday, but I made it here today. And let's see how that works out. And I was like, I'm 85 00:06:45,010 --> 00:06:48,910 surprised at it. I felt like I was gonna die. And I was telling her I was like, this funny thing was 86 00:06:48,910 --> 00:06:54,150 I was like, could I please die? You know, I was looking forward to it. Anyway. I was like, finally, 87 00:06:54,370 --> 00:07:00,130 this thing called life is over. That's crazy. Anyway, I'm talking to my sponsor. Oh, boy, life, 88 00:07:00,330 --> 00:07:06,350 you know, you shared about it. Sobriety has not been the easiest for me. And, and I've had an 89 00:07:06,350 --> 00:07:13,190 interesting journey. I'm 54 years old. And I tell you, we talk about living two lifestyles in one 90 00:07:13,190 --> 00:07:18,990 lifetime. Oh, no, we talked about karma outside. I don't know what my soul contract is. But my life 91 00:07:18,990 --> 00:07:24,310 has been very interesting. Before I came to you. And since I've been here, the first half of my 92 00:07:24,310 --> 00:07:32,210 life, you know, I got sober at 24 going on 25. And for the first 24 years of my life, it was just 93 00:07:32,210 --> 00:07:38,950 inundated with alcohol and abuse. I'm born addicted. My mother's an alcoholic and admitted 94 00:07:38,950 --> 00:07:44,110 alcoholic and Alcoholics Anonymous. I remember one time mommy and I shared with one another I 95 00:07:44,110 --> 00:07:48,450 was she was the main speaker. I was a 10 minute speaker. And I got up and I said, I'm not gonna 96 00:07:48,450 --> 00:07:52,850 say nothing. I'm just gonna let you listen to her and you'll know why I'm here. And I said, I was 97 00:07:52,850 --> 00:07:54,230 like, take it away. 98 00:07:54,310 --> 00:08:06,010 Hey, mom. And everyone in my family are alcoholics and addicts. And this is a way of life for our 99 00:08:06,010 --> 00:08:12,770 family. I'm born addicted. Alcohol is given to me as an infant. I wasn't wanted. Mommy says I'm a 100 00:08:12,770 --> 00:08:18,830 product of rape and just not wanted and left in the hospital. And it's just alcohol is just it 101 00:08:18,830 --> 00:08:24,690 was the only thing I ever knew. It was part of my bloodstream. It was my diet. The amazing thing 102 00:08:24,690 --> 00:08:27,490 was that I survived. And I remember a woman asking me, how do you give up alcohol? And I said, 103 00:08:27,510 --> 00:08:32,330 give an infant alcohol. And mommy said a precedent in the house that alcohol needed to be in my bottle 104 00:08:32,330 --> 00:08:39,030 24 seven. And a woman said, how do you survive? And because I'm an alcoholic, an alcoholic, what 105 00:08:39,030 --> 00:08:44,110 separates me and makes me different from the hard drinker and the problem drinker is that I have an 106 00:08:44,110 --> 00:08:50,590 allergic reaction to alcohol. When you put alcohol in my body doesn't say no, no more. It says feed me 107 00:08:50,590 --> 00:08:55,370 see more and it demands for more and I didn't discover the effect until later. Perhaps it 108 00:08:55,370 --> 00:08:57,490 affected me as an infant. But it was something that I was able to get rid of. And it was something 109 00:08:57,510 --> 00:09:01,690 that I had in my system. And that was the only thing that I ever knew. And I didn't do New Year's 110 00:09:01,690 --> 00:09:07,230 resolution. I didn't switch from scotch to brandy. I didn't say tomorrow's gonna be different. I was 111 00:09:07,230 --> 00:09:12,290 loaded in my first year birthday, second year birthday, I was loaded every single day. And it's 112 00:09:12,290 --> 00:09:17,430 interesting when I go back to high school reunions, grammar school reunions, and I went to 113 00:09:17,430 --> 00:09:24,070 Catholic school for 11 and a half years. Everyone that I grew up with will tell you that I was kind, 114 00:09:24,070 --> 00:09:27,490 I was considerate, I was worldly, I had a sense of confidence. And I was able to do what I wanted to 115 00:09:27,510 --> 00:09:31,630 do. I had confidence. And that was all alcohol. I was all alcohol. And at the same time, I was 116 00:09:31,630 --> 00:09:37,830 experiencing physical abuse, sexual abuse, verbal abuse. And that was a daily occurrence. It wasn't 117 00:09:37,830 --> 00:09:44,030 now and then. It wasn't once in a while. It was like the norm. So I mean, I really thought that 118 00:09:44,030 --> 00:09:48,550 was normal. I thought that's how it happens. I thought everybody speak to you wherever they 119 00:09:48,550 --> 00:09:53,170 want to talk to you. They call you names and curse you out. And I always say I didn't learn 120 00:09:53,170 --> 00:09:57,370 my name was Teresa until I got to Alcoholics Anonymous. I really thought I was stupid. 121 00:09:57,510 --> 00:10:02,430 And bitch and you idiot and, and that stuff still dances in my mind today. Do you know what I mean? 122 00:10:02,430 --> 00:10:07,650 It still comes up. I get frustrated. You know, those voices like leave me alone already. Hitting 123 00:10:07,650 --> 00:10:13,190 was the normal occurrence. I got smacked, I got kicked, I got punched, I got spit on, I 124 00:10:13,190 --> 00:10:18,670 stabbed, pistol whipped, shot. My brother shot me in the ass. I mean, it was like, he was like, 125 00:10:18,690 --> 00:10:21,990 oh, I was aiming for the chair. You know, my bad. You were sitting there. I mean, it was just 126 00:10:21,990 --> 00:10:27,370 for real. You know, I would have broken bones. And I was talking about that with someone else. 127 00:10:27,510 --> 00:10:31,430 And I would go to the doctor and be like, oh, yeah, look, my arm was broken. And it was like a 128 00:10:31,430 --> 00:10:36,030 pipe. I wasn't crying. I was like, are you gonna fix it? You know, they pull it out and be like, 129 00:10:36,210 --> 00:10:39,370 like that moving death becomes her. You know what I'm saying? Your bones sticking out of your neck. 130 00:10:39,470 --> 00:10:43,190 Like, yeah, my bones out of my neck. Am I? You know what I'm saying? What's happening? 131 00:10:43,550 --> 00:10:49,650 Sexual abuse was the norm. Men and women, neighbors, babysitters, aunts, uncles, I don't 132 00:10:49,650 --> 00:10:54,530 know, whoever wanted to, they did. No matter where I went, no matter where I visited, even I would go 133 00:10:57,510 --> 00:11:03,270 fresh air fun, where they would take inner city kids and you go up state New York and stuff was 134 00:11:03,270 --> 00:11:08,510 jumping off up there too. I really thought all that was normal. And I always say like, I don't 135 00:11:08,510 --> 00:11:13,250 think I would have survived the first 24 years of my life if it wasn't for alcohol. The drama, 136 00:11:13,490 --> 00:11:20,230 the insanity, our family, we have the family is, you call it dysfunctional, but that's my family 137 00:11:20,230 --> 00:11:25,950 to this day. Pimps, dealers, hustlers, gangsters, politicians, police officers, like they're all the 138 00:11:25,950 --> 00:11:27,290 same. You know what I'm saying? They're not different. They're not the same. They're not 139 00:11:27,290 --> 00:11:27,490 the same. They're not the same. They're not the same. They're not the same. They're not the 140 00:11:27,490 --> 00:11:27,510 same. They're not the same. They're not the same. They're not the same. They're not the 141 00:11:27,510 --> 00:11:28,630 same. They're not the same. They're not the same. They're not the same. We're all the same 142 00:11:28,630 --> 00:11:34,570 people. And they take pride in that and nobody's embarrassed. And you do time in federal pen or 143 00:11:34,570 --> 00:11:39,890 state and county. And that's a badge of honor, man. That's respect. You don't come in. I don't 144 00:11:39,890 --> 00:11:44,730 know. The black sheep in our family is my grandmother, my father, my cousin, Petra, my 145 00:11:44,730 --> 00:11:48,750 brother. And that's because they don't drink. They don't use. They're like goody two shoes. 146 00:11:48,810 --> 00:11:52,290 They're the black sheep. You know what I'm saying? Like, what's wrong with y'all? Nobody 147 00:11:52,290 --> 00:11:56,210 wants to be like them. We don't like when they show up. You know, those kind of people. 148 00:11:56,790 --> 00:12:03,030 Like, ay, yo. No pa' tanto. You know. No pa' tanto, Titi. Calm down. Just not too long 149 00:12:03,030 --> 00:12:07,330 ago. It's just the insanity of the family. You know, you guys call it dysfunctional, 150 00:12:07,350 --> 00:12:12,130 but this is normal for us, no? The same thing I saw in the projects in New York was the 151 00:12:12,130 --> 00:12:15,590 same thing that was going on in the mountains in Puerto Rico. I didn't see nothing different. 152 00:12:15,590 --> 00:12:20,330 I spent half the year in Puerto Rico and half the year in New York. And that was it. And 153 00:12:20,330 --> 00:12:22,150 it's not too long ago. I've been sharing. 154 00:12:22,290 --> 00:12:26,970 It's just interesting. My nephew's been living with me, you know, and doing homeschool. 155 00:12:27,210 --> 00:12:31,750 And he finally gets to be around the family. My brother kind of kept the boys, you know, 156 00:12:31,830 --> 00:12:36,130 away from the family other than me. And now, you know, they're around. And he's hanging 157 00:12:36,130 --> 00:12:41,330 out talking to mommy, abuela, right? And you think, you know, the grandson wants to know 158 00:12:41,330 --> 00:12:47,170 about the life of his grandmother. And he's like, Grandma, can you tell me what it was 159 00:12:47,170 --> 00:12:52,110 like with you growing up? And I'm in the kitchen, right? And I'm cooking. I'm in the 160 00:12:52,290 --> 00:12:56,370 kitchen. I'm like, oh, that's cute. She was like, we used to kill people, kill lots of 161 00:12:56,370 --> 00:13:03,490 people. I was like, okay, story time is over. And he's like, what? What's happening? She 162 00:13:03,490 --> 00:13:07,510 was like, oh, yeah, we did all the time, all the time. And then he's like, but I saw pictures 163 00:13:07,510 --> 00:13:11,150 of you guys like in a playground. Were you in a playground? We never played in the playground. 164 00:13:12,110 --> 00:13:17,990 Anyway, no more storytelling, mom. Traumatizing the kid, you know? And so now I have to like 165 00:13:17,990 --> 00:13:22,690 explain to him, your family's crazy. And we've done everything possible. Thanks to 166 00:13:23,190 --> 00:13:27,710 like synonymous that these boys have like no clue about that lifestyle. They say things 167 00:13:27,710 --> 00:13:33,010 like, thank you. I'm uncomfortable. I love you. I miss you today. May I help you with 168 00:13:33,010 --> 00:13:38,150 that? Anyway, not too long ago, my oldest nephew, I had told him, yo, what's up, man? 169 00:13:38,150 --> 00:13:41,270 You got a girlfriend or something? I ain't seen you with no girl. It's okay if you gay 170 00:13:41,270 --> 00:13:43,970 or not, you know, something like that. You know what I'm saying? But he was like, no, 171 00:13:44,030 --> 00:13:46,790 I'm not gay, Titi. I'm like, I'm just checking. You ain't got no girlfriend. Like, what's 172 00:13:46,790 --> 00:13:52,030 happening? He's 21. He was like, no, the issue is I still have issues with my mother. And 173 00:13:53,190 --> 00:13:56,430 she's with my mother. I think it'd be unfair to get into a relationship like that. I was 174 00:13:56,430 --> 00:14:05,100 like, oh, where'd you get that from? Thank you. I gotta do inventory. Yo. Anyway, they've 175 00:14:05,100 --> 00:14:09,220 been hearing this program since they were little, ever since they were small, because 176 00:14:09,220 --> 00:14:13,500 of the family grew up with and because of the things that I heard in the rooms of Alcoholics 177 00:14:13,500 --> 00:14:18,300 Anonymous through their years, I've asked them since they were very little, I've always 178 00:14:18,300 --> 00:14:23,960 asked them, what's your perception? Because this is a disease of perception. And I can 179 00:14:25,240 --> 00:14:28,300 tell you, they have a life and they have people who are in their life to support them 180 00:14:28,300 --> 00:14:31,680 and care about them. And they could be walking around feeling like I'm completely alone. 181 00:14:31,680 --> 00:14:35,160 I don't fit in and nobody loves me. I learned that from you. And so since they were little, 182 00:14:35,160 --> 00:14:38,480 they've heard it from me. I'd be like, what's your perception? And they think about it. 183 00:14:38,480 --> 00:14:42,720 No. So anyway, and the oldest is now sober. Interesting enough, and I didn't believe he 184 00:14:42,720 --> 00:14:47,400 was an alcoholic until he explained he had the allergy of the body. And he goes to celebrate 185 00:14:47,400 --> 00:14:53,580 recovery. And when he came to me, he was around 16. And he said he had started drinking, smoking 186 00:14:53,580 --> 00:14:54,580 weed. 187 00:14:54,580 --> 00:14:58,000 And of course, my first question is always, what do you want me to do with this information? 188 00:14:58,000 --> 00:15:01,960 And it was like, I'm sure you'll give me the questions I need to ask myself to assess, 189 00:15:01,960 --> 00:15:05,940 you know, what's going on with me and my concern. And again, this is what I've learned from 190 00:15:05,940 --> 00:15:10,160 you. But I told him my concern is not that you're smoking weed and drinking. I think 191 00:15:10,160 --> 00:15:14,460 that does happen. And people do experiment. My biggest concern is that right now in your 192 00:15:14,460 --> 00:15:19,640 life, your father has died, your grandfather has died. You now live with your estranged 193 00:15:19,640 --> 00:15:24,580 mother. He used to be in varsity. Now you're in junior varsity. You live in a seminary. 194 00:15:24,580 --> 00:15:30,160 In Minnesota. And now you're in Burbank, California. Aside from the fact that you're 16 years old, 195 00:15:30,160 --> 00:15:35,520 and the only thing you normally think about is masturbating and sports dominates your 196 00:15:35,520 --> 00:15:41,340 brain at this point. Okay, with that to boot, that's what concerns me know that there's 197 00:15:41,340 --> 00:15:46,620 something going on on the inside. And marijuana and alcohol is going to give you the oxygen 198 00:15:46,620 --> 00:15:50,320 you so desperately need right now. That's what I'm worried about. And I learned that 199 00:15:50,320 --> 00:15:54,400 from you. So I told him I would invite you to consider doing some work. 200 00:15:54,580 --> 00:16:00,860 On the inside, and when you're okay on the inside, then you could try a drink. And you 201 00:16:00,860 --> 00:16:06,140 know, a puff of marijuana and see what happens. I'm so grateful that he took that into consideration. 202 00:16:06,140 --> 00:16:10,340 He thought about it. And now he's you know, he's going to seminary like he's doing really 203 00:16:10,340 --> 00:16:14,680 good. I'm so grateful to all of you that I didn't do the whole thing about say no to 204 00:16:14,680 --> 00:16:18,220 drugs. This is your brain on drugs, whatever that stupid stuff. That's stupid. Then you 205 00:16:18,220 --> 00:16:24,280 hear the commercials. I was like that stuff works. Because that's what it did for me my 206 00:16:24,280 --> 00:16:30,680 entire life. Like as horrible as that life sounds. I was detached and disconnected, 207 00:16:30,680 --> 00:16:36,460 man. I wasn't present for any of those experiences. I wasn't present for the horrible stuff. And 208 00:16:36,460 --> 00:16:41,020 I wasn't present for the good stuff. I run into people again from school and and they're 209 00:16:41,020 --> 00:16:44,820 happy to see me and I don't remember any of them. And some of them tell me I you taught 210 00:16:44,820 --> 00:16:49,800 me Spanish for a year. I don't remember them. I remember nothing. And I was an A student. 211 00:16:49,800 --> 00:16:53,760 Don't remember it. My nephew found my you know, my report cards and my phone. I don't 212 00:16:53,760 --> 00:17:01,140 remember any of it. Any of it. And I wasn't planning on changing that life. I saw nothing 213 00:17:01,140 --> 00:17:06,580 wrong with that life. I lived on the edge I took chances I grew up getting into money 214 00:17:06,580 --> 00:17:12,540 property prestige. I smuggled drugs. I was that's a lifestyle man. I always say I live 215 00:17:12,540 --> 00:17:16,480 like Michelle Pfeiffer on Scarface. You know what I'm saying? Like, I still love that movie. 216 00:17:16,480 --> 00:17:20,520 I'd be like, I don't know. I love that movie. And now I'm watching Queen of the South. You 217 00:17:20,520 --> 00:17:21,520 know, I get off on all that boy. I'd be like, well, yeah, you know, I'm watching Queen of 218 00:17:21,520 --> 00:17:22,520 the South. You know, I get off on all that boy. I'd be like, well, yeah, you know, I'm 219 00:17:22,520 --> 00:17:24,280 watching Queen of the South. You know, I get off on all that boy. I don't know. There 220 00:17:24,280 --> 00:17:30,400 was potential, you know, potential is to have that kind of respect, you know and, and I 221 00:17:30,400 --> 00:17:34,540 wasn't planning on changing any of that. And so I said what happened to me, how did I end 222 00:17:34,540 --> 00:17:39,100 up here, I guess, the only way I can describe it is, this is a place that I believe we all 223 00:17:39,100 --> 00:17:43,660 find one another, because alcohol is no respecter really person place or thing or situation, 224 00:17:43,660 --> 00:17:48,920 I hear people have two loving parents in their home. And they tour alcohol, right? have a 225 00:17:48,920 --> 00:17:49,960 silver spoon or completely pour alcoholism, it doesn't discriminate against how we look. 226 00:17:49,960 --> 00:17:50,960 Kitchen這樣的 Yeah, probably. You got to doubt that. And I can guarantee to my ex. 227 00:17:50,960 --> 00:17:52,960 Alcoholism doesn't discriminate, no? 228 00:17:53,100 --> 00:17:57,440 And even in those differences, what makes us similar is the effect that alcohol produces. 229 00:17:58,060 --> 00:18:02,260 I like the effect produced by alcohol and I am restless, irritable, and discontent 230 00:18:02,260 --> 00:18:06,500 unless I find that ease and comfort that comes immediately with the first few drinks. 231 00:18:06,640 --> 00:18:10,800 Drinks that I see other people taking with impunity and consequences don't get my attention, 232 00:18:11,020 --> 00:18:16,520 that despite consequences and circumstances, I'm willing to pursue that effect into the gates of insanity or death. 233 00:18:16,520 --> 00:18:19,720 Until the day comes that happened to me around the age of 24, 234 00:18:19,720 --> 00:18:22,880 that I took a drink and I was now present for my experience. 235 00:18:23,260 --> 00:18:24,840 And I think that's when things change. 236 00:18:25,060 --> 00:18:30,560 What does a drunk like me do that I'm looking for the effect and I'm restless, irritable, and discontent 237 00:18:30,560 --> 00:18:36,300 and I take a drink and now I am still restless, irritable, and discontent? 238 00:18:36,500 --> 00:18:38,120 I got a problem with that, you see. 239 00:18:38,260 --> 00:18:44,440 I don't mind doing incomprehensible, demoralizing things if I'm not present for my experience. 240 00:18:44,440 --> 00:18:47,240 But when I now become present, that's a problem. 241 00:18:47,520 --> 00:18:49,700 There's a couple of accounts that always stand. 242 00:18:49,720 --> 00:18:51,860 There's a couple of accounts that always stand out for me and that was walking into a bar 243 00:18:51,860 --> 00:18:54,800 and hearing them say, look what the trash brought in. 244 00:18:54,960 --> 00:18:57,100 I can't tell you how long they said it. 245 00:18:57,140 --> 00:18:59,360 But to this day, I remember when I heard it. 246 00:18:59,500 --> 00:19:01,400 And I try to laugh it off, you know what I'm saying? 247 00:19:01,620 --> 00:19:03,200 But I remember I couldn't shake it off. 248 00:19:03,300 --> 00:19:04,200 There's something in here. 249 00:19:04,380 --> 00:19:05,120 I didn't like that. 250 00:19:05,220 --> 00:19:07,400 I was like, ha, ha, ha, but in here wasn't right. 251 00:19:07,820 --> 00:19:08,520 I heard you. 252 00:19:08,680 --> 00:19:09,140 You know what I mean? 253 00:19:09,200 --> 00:19:09,680 In here. 254 00:19:09,800 --> 00:19:12,640 I saw the look of disgust on my grandmother's face. 255 00:19:13,060 --> 00:19:14,280 And I couldn't shake it off. 256 00:19:14,280 --> 00:19:15,720 I kept seeing her face. 257 00:19:15,920 --> 00:19:17,960 And I noticed that daddy stopped talking to me. 258 00:19:18,120 --> 00:19:19,600 When did daddy stop talking to me? 259 00:19:19,720 --> 00:19:21,400 And more importantly, why do I care? 260 00:19:21,520 --> 00:19:22,340 I was tripping out. 261 00:19:22,720 --> 00:19:27,000 It was though I had been living flatlined, detached, disconnected. 262 00:19:27,160 --> 00:19:28,000 I had no heartbeat. 263 00:19:28,280 --> 00:19:30,460 And then somebody resuscitated me or something. 264 00:19:30,560 --> 00:19:33,360 And all of a sudden, I became present in this thing you call life. 265 00:19:33,600 --> 00:19:34,720 And I had never been here. 266 00:19:34,980 --> 00:19:36,500 I've been loaded since fetus. 267 00:19:36,620 --> 00:19:37,800 I had never been here. 268 00:19:37,920 --> 00:19:39,600 I woke up to a haunted house. 269 00:19:39,840 --> 00:19:41,860 I always say alcohol betrayed me. 270 00:19:42,360 --> 00:19:43,600 It abandoned me. 271 00:19:43,600 --> 00:19:48,720 And it left me emotionally retarded with no coping skills. 272 00:19:48,900 --> 00:19:49,560 I don't know about you. 273 00:19:49,560 --> 00:19:52,260 But I was so angry at alcohol when I came here. 274 00:19:52,420 --> 00:19:53,540 It was my friend. 275 00:19:53,860 --> 00:19:54,880 It was my lover. 276 00:19:55,240 --> 00:19:56,440 It was my companion. 277 00:19:56,900 --> 00:19:58,260 I don't know if alcohol talked to you. 278 00:19:58,300 --> 00:19:59,280 But it used to talk to me. 279 00:19:59,440 --> 00:20:01,680 And it told me if nobody loves you, I love you. 280 00:20:01,800 --> 00:20:02,560 I got you. 281 00:20:02,720 --> 00:20:04,500 It's just you and me against the world. 282 00:20:04,680 --> 00:20:05,960 You ain't got to worry about nothing. 283 00:20:06,240 --> 00:20:07,080 It soothed me. 284 00:20:07,220 --> 00:20:08,140 It nurtured me. 285 00:20:08,320 --> 00:20:09,700 It band-aided me up. 286 00:20:09,800 --> 00:20:10,640 That was my friend. 287 00:20:10,700 --> 00:20:11,400 That was everything. 288 00:20:11,460 --> 00:20:12,420 It was my master. 289 00:20:12,700 --> 00:20:15,000 It told me when to get up in the morning and when to go to bed at night. 290 00:20:15,060 --> 00:20:17,020 Where I was going to live, where I wasn't going to live. 291 00:20:17,020 --> 00:20:19,440 If I was in a relationship and if I was not. 292 00:20:19,560 --> 00:20:21,460 And who I was in a relationship with. 293 00:20:21,580 --> 00:20:23,800 It dictated every single area of my life. 294 00:20:23,860 --> 00:20:25,760 And now it wasn't helping me to get up in the morning. 295 00:20:25,960 --> 00:20:27,380 And it wasn't putting me to bed at night. 296 00:20:27,560 --> 00:20:29,820 It didn't help me to talk to you, connect with you. 297 00:20:29,980 --> 00:20:31,100 What am I supposed to do? 298 00:20:31,200 --> 00:20:33,380 I used to always go up and down alleys like this. 299 00:20:33,440 --> 00:20:34,560 3 or 4 o'clock in the morning. 300 00:20:34,660 --> 00:20:35,940 I dare you to come up on me. 301 00:20:36,240 --> 00:20:37,680 I tell people I worry about the little people. 302 00:20:37,740 --> 00:20:38,680 I don't worry about the big people. 303 00:20:38,900 --> 00:20:40,040 It's the little people you got to worry about. 304 00:20:40,420 --> 00:20:40,920 We scary. 305 00:20:41,020 --> 00:20:41,740 You don't see us coming. 306 00:20:41,800 --> 00:20:42,240 You know what I'm saying? 307 00:20:42,360 --> 00:20:43,680 I walk up and down an alley. 308 00:20:43,940 --> 00:20:44,700 Think I'm innocent. 309 00:20:44,860 --> 00:20:45,580 See what happens. 310 00:20:45,580 --> 00:20:49,020 And now all of a sudden I'm walking up and down alleys and I'm paranoid? 311 00:20:49,560 --> 00:20:50,400 I'm sorry people. 312 00:20:50,480 --> 00:20:52,100 I didn't take a paranoid class. 313 00:20:52,360 --> 00:20:53,120 Freak me out. 314 00:20:53,240 --> 00:20:54,600 I wanted the good old days back. 315 00:20:54,680 --> 00:20:56,720 I wanted the days back where it just didn't matter. 316 00:20:57,020 --> 00:21:00,040 And no matter what I did, I was still present for my experience. 317 00:21:00,420 --> 00:21:02,000 And that's alcoholic torture to me. 318 00:21:02,160 --> 00:21:03,000 You can't get drunk. 319 00:21:03,160 --> 00:21:04,000 You can't get sober. 320 00:21:04,040 --> 00:21:06,000 It's the worst place for a drunk like me to be. 321 00:21:06,140 --> 00:21:08,860 And the best thing I can do is invite death into my life. 322 00:21:09,080 --> 00:21:13,580 And I believe it's a cold thing when you invite death in your life and death don't even take you out. 323 00:21:13,580 --> 00:21:15,380 Those darkest days. 324 00:21:15,580 --> 00:21:15,720 Man. 325 00:21:16,060 --> 00:21:17,280 I never want to go through that again. 326 00:21:17,560 --> 00:21:18,920 See when I talk about it? 327 00:21:19,320 --> 00:21:20,220 That was bad. 328 00:21:20,440 --> 00:21:21,300 That was bad. 329 00:21:21,660 --> 00:21:23,760 That's why I wish the newcomer desperation. 330 00:21:24,560 --> 00:21:25,500 Because that was horrible. 331 00:21:25,660 --> 00:21:26,280 That was horrible. 332 00:21:26,540 --> 00:21:27,720 I ended up in a church. 333 00:21:27,900 --> 00:21:29,040 Wasn't looking for it. 334 00:21:29,240 --> 00:21:30,460 I did the aimless walk. 335 00:21:30,600 --> 00:21:31,180 No purpose. 336 00:21:31,320 --> 00:21:31,800 No agenda. 337 00:21:31,920 --> 00:21:32,520 No destination. 338 00:21:32,820 --> 00:21:33,640 It's just a walk. 339 00:21:33,760 --> 00:21:35,800 And I stepped in this church and I felt the presence. 340 00:21:36,040 --> 00:21:41,320 Our literature says only an act of providence can help a drunk like me. 341 00:21:41,320 --> 00:21:44,160 But for the grace of God, I stand before you sober today. 342 00:21:44,360 --> 00:21:45,560 I can't tell you that. 343 00:21:45,660 --> 00:21:47,900 I was surrendered or I was done. 344 00:21:47,900 --> 00:21:49,280 I don't know that language. 345 00:21:49,700 --> 00:21:52,700 I hear people share that and it doesn't remove your experience. 346 00:21:52,700 --> 00:21:53,800 It just wasn't mine. 347 00:21:54,140 --> 00:21:54,480 You know what I mean? 348 00:21:54,480 --> 00:21:58,640 I don't remember going, I'm going to get help or I can't, I don't, I don't know nothing like that. 349 00:21:58,740 --> 00:22:02,600 I just know I wanted to die and I couldn't, and I was tired. 350 00:22:02,860 --> 00:22:05,900 I was tired of doing another 24 hours like that. 351 00:22:06,020 --> 00:22:11,240 And I stood in that church and what became visible was the window of the grace of God. 352 00:22:11,480 --> 00:22:12,380 I could have missed it. 353 00:22:12,440 --> 00:22:15,340 And I said, God, please allow me to feel the peace that I feel in this church. 354 00:22:15,340 --> 00:22:17,120 Inside of me. 355 00:22:17,400 --> 00:22:23,300 I needed one moment for my head to shut up, my skin to stop crawling, and for my stomach to stop turning. 356 00:22:23,420 --> 00:22:24,680 Just for a minute, you know what I'm saying? 357 00:22:24,720 --> 00:22:25,920 I feel like I lost my hustle. 358 00:22:26,160 --> 00:22:28,520 I had no idea that prayer was going to change my life. 359 00:22:28,760 --> 00:22:31,680 I didn't even know that anything was paying attention to me. 360 00:22:31,800 --> 00:22:32,500 Still gets me. 361 00:22:32,640 --> 00:22:33,220 I left there. 362 00:22:33,300 --> 00:22:36,300 I went to daddy's house and I said, daddy, help me. 363 00:22:36,500 --> 00:22:38,060 I had never asked for help before. 364 00:22:38,200 --> 00:22:43,260 My father said with all the love that a father can have for his daughter, he had to watch me slowly die. 365 00:22:43,600 --> 00:22:44,900 He's always been powerless. 366 00:22:44,900 --> 00:22:45,960 With my alcoholism. 367 00:22:46,160 --> 00:22:47,160 He left when I was two. 368 00:22:47,340 --> 00:22:50,380 Him and my grandmother, they couldn't keep fighting mommy and alcoholism. 369 00:22:50,480 --> 00:22:50,880 You know what I mean? 370 00:22:50,900 --> 00:22:51,700 It was just too much. 371 00:22:51,840 --> 00:22:55,900 He said, I've always wished I could just tie you up in a closet and try to keep you safe, but I can't. 372 00:22:55,980 --> 00:22:57,660 You're standing in the middle of a crossroad. 373 00:22:57,820 --> 00:22:59,180 There's three directions you're headed. 374 00:22:59,320 --> 00:23:01,520 You're so close to them, you could taste them and smell them. 375 00:23:01,680 --> 00:23:04,140 And that's jails, mental institutions, and death. 376 00:23:04,260 --> 00:23:05,120 But there's another road. 377 00:23:05,200 --> 00:23:05,920 It's called recovery. 378 00:23:06,120 --> 00:23:08,120 You don't know anything about it and neither do I. 379 00:23:08,200 --> 00:23:12,120 But if you give it a try, and if it doesn't work out, the other three will be waiting for you. 380 00:23:12,200 --> 00:23:14,060 I share that so I can always remember. 381 00:23:14,060 --> 00:23:16,840 Every day, I stand in the middle of the crossroad. 382 00:23:16,940 --> 00:23:17,440 Every day. 383 00:23:17,600 --> 00:23:18,920 Those roads are not blocked. 384 00:23:19,180 --> 00:23:22,420 They may have caution tape, but they're openly available to me. 385 00:23:22,520 --> 00:23:23,860 And I came out to California. 386 00:23:24,080 --> 00:23:26,180 I got on a Greyhound bus, that's why I detoxed. 387 00:23:26,260 --> 00:23:27,960 And I came out here because you have a tradition. 388 00:23:28,180 --> 00:23:29,880 It's called attraction rather than promotion. 389 00:23:30,240 --> 00:23:33,500 My mother is sober and my cousin, my cousin is mommy's Eskimo. 390 00:23:33,700 --> 00:23:36,580 And whenever I used to come to California, they used to come to these meetings. 391 00:23:36,920 --> 00:23:38,840 And I would drink before, during, and after. 392 00:23:39,060 --> 00:23:40,520 And maybe you messed up my drinking. 393 00:23:40,940 --> 00:23:43,140 I don't even remember paying attention to you people. 394 00:23:43,140 --> 00:23:43,980 This was mommy's. 395 00:23:44,100 --> 00:23:44,900 Mommy's the drunk. 396 00:23:44,980 --> 00:23:45,560 She was a mess. 397 00:23:45,620 --> 00:23:46,520 She needed to be with you. 398 00:23:46,640 --> 00:23:46,980 You know what I'm saying? 399 00:23:47,020 --> 00:23:47,260 I was. 400 00:23:47,320 --> 00:23:47,840 She was a mess. 401 00:23:47,880 --> 00:23:48,400 She was a mess. 402 00:23:48,600 --> 00:23:50,260 She was an absolute mess. 403 00:23:50,360 --> 00:23:51,300 But I remembered you. 404 00:23:51,300 --> 00:23:54,400 I remembered the smiles, the laughter that we do around here. 405 00:23:54,600 --> 00:23:57,760 I remembered the warmth and the camaraderie that you have with one another. 406 00:23:57,940 --> 00:23:59,500 I remember that you never shunned me. 407 00:23:59,620 --> 00:24:02,540 You didn't suck your teeth at me or roll your eyes at me. 408 00:24:02,680 --> 00:24:05,580 And most importantly, you didn't try to shove a pamphlet down my throat. 409 00:24:05,720 --> 00:24:07,700 I am truly grateful you didn't do those things. 410 00:24:07,880 --> 00:24:10,160 Because I really believe that had you had done that, 411 00:24:10,260 --> 00:24:13,620 I would have been willing to figure out how to die out there before I proved you right. 412 00:24:13,620 --> 00:24:18,400 And I arrived in downtown Los Angeles Union Station on March 29, 1990, 413 00:24:18,680 --> 00:24:21,500 wearing a size one pair of pants and two pants on the knee, 414 00:24:21,600 --> 00:24:23,640 a huge sweatshirt, four months pregnant. 415 00:24:23,920 --> 00:24:25,900 Didn't have a heartbeat by the time I got here. 416 00:24:26,000 --> 00:24:29,020 I have not had the honor and the privilege of having children ever since. 417 00:24:29,440 --> 00:24:31,440 I'm now going through menopause, hence the fan. 418 00:24:31,800 --> 00:24:33,740 So you guys are talking about it's hot. 419 00:24:33,780 --> 00:24:34,820 I'm like, I got my own weather. 420 00:24:34,880 --> 00:24:35,720 I don't even know what's happening. 421 00:24:36,060 --> 00:24:37,880 I don't even know what's going on in here. 422 00:24:38,140 --> 00:24:40,080 I be walking around my house singing that song. 423 00:24:40,160 --> 00:24:42,100 I be like, this girl is on fire. 424 00:24:42,100 --> 00:24:43,590 I be screaming. 425 00:24:44,190 --> 00:24:45,610 Just to give them a warning, you know, 426 00:24:45,650 --> 00:24:47,590 because I turn into the exorcist all of a sudden. 427 00:24:47,710 --> 00:24:49,490 Anyway, I'm having a new experience. 428 00:24:50,130 --> 00:24:50,790 Oh, my God. 429 00:24:51,070 --> 00:24:51,310 Okay. 430 00:24:51,590 --> 00:24:54,350 And when mommy, mommy picked me up from Union Station 431 00:24:54,350 --> 00:24:56,810 and she dropped me off in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. 432 00:24:57,210 --> 00:24:59,010 This is my first time in the program. 433 00:24:59,250 --> 00:25:00,930 I like to share that. 434 00:25:01,030 --> 00:25:04,530 I learned that I have yet to go out and yet means you're eligible to. 435 00:25:04,630 --> 00:25:06,210 I'm not exempt from the possibility. 436 00:25:06,490 --> 00:25:09,750 But there are those of us who do arrive here and we do stay sober. 437 00:25:10,030 --> 00:25:13,450 Our literature talks about 50% of us who really try stay. 438 00:25:13,450 --> 00:25:16,110 And there's another 50% that may come and go and don't. 439 00:25:16,270 --> 00:25:20,330 I think that's important that I heard people used to say relapse is part of recovery. 440 00:25:20,670 --> 00:25:23,590 No, the big book clearly tells me what I don't do. 441 00:25:23,710 --> 00:25:24,550 I can relapse. 442 00:25:24,770 --> 00:25:25,170 Right. 443 00:25:25,390 --> 00:25:27,390 And what I do do so I can stay sober. 444 00:25:27,690 --> 00:25:30,130 And this is the one place that we understand. 445 00:25:30,310 --> 00:25:35,530 I always say if a drunk comes back after relapse and we ask them why they in the wrong place. 446 00:25:35,710 --> 00:25:37,350 There's a one place we should get it. 447 00:25:37,610 --> 00:25:40,250 If we truly understand the disease of alcoholism. 448 00:25:40,450 --> 00:25:41,490 It is so insidious. 449 00:25:41,490 --> 00:25:42,330 I am. 450 00:25:42,570 --> 00:25:43,430 I've learned so much. 451 00:25:43,610 --> 00:25:44,610 From relapsers. 452 00:25:44,890 --> 00:25:47,970 My sponsor used to have me going around with a pen and a paper. 453 00:25:47,970 --> 00:25:52,390 And I used to say, excuse me, I understand you relapse recently, like a reporter. 454 00:25:52,430 --> 00:25:54,670 Can you tell me exactly what you didn't do? 455 00:25:54,750 --> 00:25:56,950 You know, and everybody would say the same thing. 456 00:25:56,950 --> 00:26:00,550 I stopped going to meetings, stop working with the sponsor, stop working on the steps. 457 00:26:00,730 --> 00:26:03,430 You know, I learned insanity returns and then we drink again. 458 00:26:03,750 --> 00:26:04,650 So thank you. 459 00:26:04,650 --> 00:26:05,470 I now home group. 460 00:26:05,470 --> 00:26:06,550 We call our relapsers. 461 00:26:06,550 --> 00:26:11,690 Our scouts want to thank you for scouting for us, letting us know what's not happening. 462 00:26:11,850 --> 00:26:12,990 I remember telling my cousin. 463 00:26:12,990 --> 00:26:13,290 I don't know. 464 00:26:13,290 --> 00:26:15,030 I don't understand why people are like relapsing. 465 00:26:15,030 --> 00:26:18,450 It says rarely have we seen a person fail as thoroughly following our path. 466 00:26:18,470 --> 00:26:20,630 They should do the program and they won't relapse. 467 00:26:21,110 --> 00:26:28,770 As you as I think about it, if nobody went out, nobody, you'll probably be one of those people going, how do you guys know nobody ever found out? 468 00:26:28,790 --> 00:26:30,350 You don't think I was a good point. 469 00:26:30,550 --> 00:26:30,930 Then it has. 470 00:26:30,930 --> 00:26:33,290 So when I arrived, mommy picked me up. 471 00:26:33,290 --> 00:26:38,690 She dropped me off in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous and left me there because you told the two mommy can't help me. 472 00:26:38,730 --> 00:26:40,350 Her and my cousin with the attraction. 473 00:26:40,350 --> 00:26:42,270 But we didn't hang out with each other in recovery. 474 00:26:42,270 --> 00:26:43,270 I know a lot of people get. 475 00:26:43,270 --> 00:26:50,710 Sober together with their families and you hang out and you got a nice little family, a fan AA that has not been my experience. 476 00:26:51,130 --> 00:26:53,650 Now I'm doing more meetings with mom because she lives with me. 477 00:26:53,650 --> 00:26:54,650 She has Alzheimer's. 478 00:26:54,650 --> 00:26:56,770 So anything I say about her, she ain't going to remember. 479 00:26:56,770 --> 00:27:00,970 Anyway, I was sharing, I was sharing about that the other night. 480 00:27:00,970 --> 00:27:04,690 I'm like, I be having fights with her and I get mad because I'm like, she don't even remember that. 481 00:27:04,690 --> 00:27:07,670 I won, you know, whatever. 482 00:27:08,630 --> 00:27:09,650 What is that all about? 483 00:27:09,650 --> 00:27:10,390 Am I crazy? 484 00:27:10,390 --> 00:27:11,170 Is she crazy? 485 00:27:11,350 --> 00:27:13,150 I've been walking around like, yeah, I told her. 486 00:27:13,150 --> 00:27:13,250 Yeah. 487 00:27:13,270 --> 00:27:14,210 Then she be like, what happened? 488 00:27:14,230 --> 00:27:14,830 And we start all over. 489 00:27:14,910 --> 00:27:17,250 I be like, oh, I be like, I made a good point. 490 00:27:17,330 --> 00:27:17,930 Now I forgot. 491 00:27:18,210 --> 00:27:18,530 Fine. 492 00:27:18,590 --> 00:27:19,030 You won. 493 00:27:19,110 --> 00:27:19,570 You won. 494 00:27:20,070 --> 00:27:22,730 I've gotten better, but I used to, mommy goes to Pacoima. 495 00:27:22,930 --> 00:27:23,650 That's a home group. 496 00:27:23,750 --> 00:27:24,710 Some of y'all know her from there. 497 00:27:24,750 --> 00:27:29,250 But usually when Pacoima sees me show up, if it's not mommy's anniversary, then something's wrong. 498 00:27:29,490 --> 00:27:33,010 I usually show up as the sick Al-Anon going, this her home group? 499 00:27:33,150 --> 00:27:33,970 Where's her sponsor? 500 00:27:34,250 --> 00:27:35,210 I be outside, right? 501 00:27:35,310 --> 00:27:35,930 Let me not be like. 502 00:27:37,830 --> 00:27:38,190 Okay. 503 00:27:38,670 --> 00:27:40,650 12 steps ain't helping her today, yo. 504 00:27:41,650 --> 00:27:42,010 Okay. 505 00:27:42,010 --> 00:27:43,730 Anyway. 506 00:27:44,390 --> 00:27:44,910 Oh, God. 507 00:27:45,090 --> 00:27:47,190 I got sober in South Central Los Angeles. 508 00:27:47,350 --> 00:27:49,430 I always say I'm so proud of the breed that I come from. 509 00:27:49,710 --> 00:27:50,850 God knew where to put me. 510 00:27:51,970 --> 00:27:52,330 9604. 511 00:27:52,730 --> 00:27:53,510 Crenshaw, Alano. 512 00:27:53,710 --> 00:27:55,070 I get emotional when I talk about it. 513 00:27:55,110 --> 00:27:57,950 I hope you get just as emotional about your home group as I do mine. 514 00:27:58,130 --> 00:27:58,570 You know what I mean? 515 00:27:58,710 --> 00:28:02,550 I always feel like a baby in a baby basket left at the doorsteps of Alcoholics Anonymous. 516 00:28:03,350 --> 00:28:06,590 It was those old timers in there that loved me until I could learn to love myself. 517 00:28:06,850 --> 00:28:10,750 They picked up that basket, brought me into these rooms, and they began to spoon feed me. 518 00:28:10,750 --> 00:28:12,470 And the kind of love that they had for me. 519 00:28:12,530 --> 00:28:14,290 Was one that I didn't even know I was looking for. 520 00:28:14,410 --> 00:28:16,690 They told me things about myself that I didn't even know. 521 00:28:16,810 --> 00:28:19,810 They told me the only thing I needed to have was a mustard seed of willingness. 522 00:28:20,170 --> 00:28:22,570 They introduced me to this thing called an open mind. 523 00:28:22,670 --> 00:28:25,290 They told me to examine my relationship with alcohol. 524 00:28:25,550 --> 00:28:25,830 Mine. 525 00:28:25,910 --> 00:28:27,890 And the only way for me to do that was to listen to you. 526 00:28:28,030 --> 00:28:29,450 And I needed to connect the dots. 527 00:28:29,810 --> 00:28:34,490 I didn't go around calling myself an alcoholic because I had some issues or I ran into problems. 528 00:28:35,130 --> 00:28:37,570 You define what alcoholism is for me. 529 00:28:37,970 --> 00:28:41,690 And I need to go back in my experience and see if I could check off the boxes. 530 00:28:41,690 --> 00:28:42,450 Because the. 531 00:28:42,530 --> 00:28:48,030 Very first step in recovery was I needed to concede to my innermost self that I am truly alcoholic. 532 00:28:48,170 --> 00:28:51,590 Because when I do that, I run to the remaining steps. 533 00:28:52,130 --> 00:28:54,130 Nobody likes to admit complete defeat. 534 00:28:54,510 --> 00:28:58,590 I don't know anybody who discovers that they have an illness and they're jumping for joy. 535 00:28:58,730 --> 00:29:00,190 They didn't tell me I have to like it. 536 00:29:00,390 --> 00:29:01,930 I just need to know that I have it. 537 00:29:02,190 --> 00:29:05,030 No human power is going to relieve me of my alcoholism. 538 00:29:05,350 --> 00:29:05,750 Nobody. 539 00:29:05,750 --> 00:29:08,570 All my life I've reached outside of myself. 540 00:29:09,030 --> 00:29:09,370 Money. 541 00:29:09,730 --> 00:29:10,150 Property. 542 00:29:10,450 --> 00:29:11,090 Prestige. 543 00:29:11,510 --> 00:29:12,110 Relationships. 544 00:29:12,110 --> 00:29:13,390 I've held you hostage. 545 00:29:13,670 --> 00:29:15,190 I've let you hold me hostage. 546 00:29:15,390 --> 00:29:15,810 Alcohol. 547 00:29:16,210 --> 00:29:16,630 Drugs. 548 00:29:17,070 --> 00:29:17,550 Shopping. 549 00:29:17,910 --> 00:29:18,310 Title. 550 00:29:18,690 --> 00:29:19,090 Job. 551 00:29:19,350 --> 00:29:19,770 Career. 552 00:29:20,230 --> 00:29:20,650 Educate. 553 00:29:20,810 --> 00:29:23,290 All my life I've reached outside of myself. 554 00:29:23,470 --> 00:29:24,050 Coming up short. 555 00:29:24,190 --> 00:29:24,730 Coming up short. 556 00:29:24,870 --> 00:29:25,410 Coming up short. 557 00:29:25,570 --> 00:29:26,730 You can't fix me. 558 00:29:26,890 --> 00:29:28,230 Man, I wish you could. 559 00:29:28,370 --> 00:29:32,290 The one place you introduced me to I never thought I needed to go. 560 00:29:32,550 --> 00:29:33,950 I always remember Marcy. 561 00:29:34,310 --> 00:29:35,850 Another little Puerto Rican like me. 562 00:29:36,010 --> 00:29:37,170 She walked up to me. 563 00:29:37,350 --> 00:29:38,230 Real fatigued. 564 00:29:38,410 --> 00:29:39,730 Took my face in her hand. 565 00:29:39,730 --> 00:29:41,510 And she said, now baby. 566 00:29:42,110 --> 00:29:44,070 I don't make no junk, baby girl. 567 00:29:44,170 --> 00:29:45,390 You deserve to be here. 568 00:29:45,390 --> 00:29:46,470 You a child of God. 569 00:29:46,570 --> 00:29:49,370 And she said, you got a beautiful light inside of you, baby. 570 00:29:49,570 --> 00:29:52,930 And we just got a clean house so that light can shine. 571 00:29:53,130 --> 00:29:54,450 I remember Marcy telling me that. 572 00:29:54,550 --> 00:29:56,090 What are you saying to me right now? 573 00:29:56,190 --> 00:29:57,370 She said, it was inside of me. 574 00:29:57,470 --> 00:30:01,710 She said, deep down inside in every man, woman, and child was the fundamental idea of God. 575 00:30:01,710 --> 00:30:02,690 It lived inside of me. 576 00:30:02,790 --> 00:30:06,950 And if lack of power was my dilemma, I needed to tap into a source of power. 577 00:30:07,070 --> 00:30:10,790 I didn't get caught up in this whole God, the G-O-D thing. 578 00:30:10,990 --> 00:30:11,950 Regardless what I came from. 579 00:30:11,950 --> 00:30:14,630 Whether I came from religion or not, this was not a religious program. 580 00:30:14,630 --> 00:30:17,470 This was a spiritual program of action and more action. 581 00:30:17,470 --> 00:30:21,350 You told me that I suffered from what's called a soul sickness. 582 00:30:21,350 --> 00:30:23,390 It was a spiritual disease. 583 00:30:23,390 --> 00:30:26,990 And it's relatable to being restless, irritable, and discontent. 584 00:30:26,990 --> 00:30:31,790 If I need a drink to wake up in the morning, to talk to you, to walk, to dance, to sing, 585 00:30:31,790 --> 00:30:33,910 to live, I have a soul sickness. 586 00:30:33,910 --> 00:30:36,050 I'm uncomfortable in my own skin. 587 00:30:36,050 --> 00:30:37,810 And alcohol is a spirit. 588 00:30:37,810 --> 00:30:39,270 And alcohol is my higher power. 589 00:30:39,270 --> 00:30:41,070 See, I didn't get caught up in all that. 590 00:30:41,070 --> 00:30:41,830 People are like, I got issues. 591 00:30:41,830 --> 00:30:42,750 I got issues with the higher power. 592 00:30:42,830 --> 00:30:44,510 You got issues with the religious state. 593 00:30:44,850 --> 00:30:46,510 I've always had a higher power. 594 00:30:46,630 --> 00:30:47,310 It was alcohol. 595 00:30:47,530 --> 00:30:49,290 You told me I needed to find another one. 596 00:30:49,410 --> 00:30:51,890 I've always relied on something else other than me. 597 00:30:52,010 --> 00:30:54,470 I've been delusional to think that I've been running things. 598 00:30:54,510 --> 00:30:55,690 I haven't been running nothing. 599 00:30:55,970 --> 00:30:56,790 Absolutely nothing. 600 00:30:57,090 --> 00:30:59,030 I've got no gray area, folks. 601 00:30:59,330 --> 00:31:03,070 I love how Sandy Beach says you're either living in your character defects or you're 602 00:31:03,070 --> 00:31:03,950 living in God's will. 603 00:31:04,130 --> 00:31:05,110 Everything is an illusion. 604 00:31:05,350 --> 00:31:06,250 Everything is an illusion. 605 00:31:06,470 --> 00:31:11,470 And so I put down the drink and I picked up the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous to tap 606 00:31:11,470 --> 00:31:13,130 into this source of power. 607 00:31:13,130 --> 00:31:14,130 It is the roadmap. 608 00:31:14,130 --> 00:31:15,570 It is the breadcrumbs. 609 00:31:15,570 --> 00:31:16,670 And I follow it. 610 00:31:16,670 --> 00:31:19,070 I love the simplicity of this program. 611 00:31:19,070 --> 00:31:20,910 Follow the black on the white. 612 00:31:20,910 --> 00:31:22,410 It ain't that deep, man. 613 00:31:22,410 --> 00:31:23,410 I do. 614 00:31:23,410 --> 00:31:24,410 I get nervous with people. 615 00:31:24,410 --> 00:31:25,410 They get too deep for me. 616 00:31:25,410 --> 00:31:26,410 I'm like, you're scaring me. 617 00:31:26,410 --> 00:31:28,410 Don't talk to me about the neurons and all that. 618 00:31:28,410 --> 00:31:29,930 I don't want to talk about that. 619 00:31:29,930 --> 00:31:30,930 Follow the black on the white. 620 00:31:30,930 --> 00:31:32,890 If you want what we have, then you do what we do. 621 00:31:32,890 --> 00:31:36,510 This is how thousands of men and women have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state 622 00:31:36,510 --> 00:31:37,510 of mind. 623 00:31:37,510 --> 00:31:38,750 I heard my grand sponsor used to say it. 624 00:31:38,750 --> 00:31:40,470 He still says it over and over and over again. 625 00:31:40,470 --> 00:31:45,510 The only thing I bring to the table, nobody else can give me this. 626 00:31:45,510 --> 00:31:51,430 No lover, no family member, no sponsor, not even, no, God already gave it to me. 627 00:31:51,430 --> 00:31:52,770 Nobody else can give this to me. 628 00:31:52,770 --> 00:31:53,770 And that's willingness. 629 00:31:53,770 --> 00:31:56,670 That's all I need is a mustard seed of willingness. 630 00:31:56,670 --> 00:31:58,330 And I give back the power of choice. 631 00:31:58,330 --> 00:32:01,710 And I go on this journey to uncover, discover, and discard. 632 00:32:01,710 --> 00:32:06,590 To get rid of everything and anything that blocks me in the way of my usefulness. 633 00:32:06,590 --> 00:32:09,530 And then I watch something happen to Teresa. 634 00:32:09,530 --> 00:32:10,470 I don't know about setting goals. 635 00:32:10,470 --> 00:32:11,470 I don't know about building boundaries. 636 00:32:11,470 --> 00:32:14,310 I don't know about building self-worth or self-esteem. 637 00:32:14,310 --> 00:32:20,670 I know that I practice these steps and I will watch me become a woman of dignity and integrity. 638 00:32:20,670 --> 00:32:24,970 I've watched myself become a woman of self-esteem and self-worth. 639 00:32:24,970 --> 00:32:26,430 I've watched it happen. 640 00:32:26,430 --> 00:32:28,010 And I take very little credit for it. 641 00:32:28,010 --> 00:32:30,230 I got 24 hours to do it. 642 00:32:30,230 --> 00:32:34,610 I've watched myself become a daughter, a sister, a friend, a neighbor. 643 00:32:34,610 --> 00:32:37,450 Life has been in session for me and my home group. 644 00:32:37,450 --> 00:32:39,510 They say, welcome to the land of the living. 645 00:32:39,510 --> 00:32:40,430 Hmm. 646 00:32:40,470 --> 00:32:42,130 They was asking me, how are things going? 647 00:32:42,130 --> 00:32:43,470 Uh, things gotten better? 648 00:32:43,470 --> 00:32:44,970 No. 649 00:32:44,970 --> 00:32:47,790 I'm going to be minus in my bank account tomorrow. 650 00:32:47,790 --> 00:32:49,570 Stuff is always getting turned off. 651 00:32:49,570 --> 00:32:51,330 I was talking to my sponsor about that. 652 00:32:51,330 --> 00:32:53,790 And I'm like, and I got really emotional talking to her. 653 00:32:53,790 --> 00:32:56,130 Life and sobriety has been hard for me. 654 00:32:56,130 --> 00:32:59,410 I've been the caretaker of most of my perpetrators and my abusers. 655 00:32:59,410 --> 00:33:03,030 And I have been witnessing the miracle of this program. 656 00:33:03,030 --> 00:33:05,230 That I don't drink no matter what. 657 00:33:05,230 --> 00:33:08,630 I put my brother on life support and I watched that machine go flat. 658 00:33:08,630 --> 00:33:10,350 And not a thought occurred to me to drink. 659 00:33:10,350 --> 00:33:11,350 And I can't describe how difficult that was. 660 00:33:11,350 --> 00:33:12,350 Hmm. 661 00:33:12,350 --> 00:33:13,350 I watched my dad take his last breath looking at me and not a thought occurred to this drunk 662 00:33:13,350 --> 00:33:14,350 to drink. 663 00:33:14,350 --> 00:33:15,350 Mommy stretches my spiritual muscles on a daily basis. 664 00:33:15,350 --> 00:33:16,350 But I have not had a thought to drink. 665 00:33:16,350 --> 00:33:17,350 It's amazing to me. 666 00:33:17,350 --> 00:33:18,350 And then I always, I was telling her today and I want to end on this. 667 00:33:18,350 --> 00:33:19,350 This has been like a real big thing for me. 668 00:33:19,350 --> 00:33:20,350 That I am just amazed. 669 00:33:20,350 --> 00:33:21,350 Like you guys can take away, I've experienced life take away from me, friendships, relationships. 670 00:33:21,350 --> 00:33:22,350 It has been like a real big thing for me. 671 00:33:22,350 --> 00:33:23,350 That I am just amazed. 672 00:33:23,350 --> 00:33:24,350 Like you guys can take away, I've experienced life take away from me, friendships, relationships. 673 00:33:24,350 --> 00:33:25,350 It has been like a real big thing for me. 674 00:33:25,350 --> 00:33:26,350 That I am just amazed. 675 00:33:40,350 --> 00:33:41,350 That I am just amazed. 676 00:33:41,350 --> 00:33:42,350 That I am just amazed. 677 00:33:42,350 --> 00:33:43,350 I have adversities withers. 678 00:33:43,350 --> 00:33:44,350 Because I am a mother. 679 00:33:44,350 --> 00:33:45,350 I do not have a goodred mother. 680 00:33:45,350 --> 00:33:46,350 My mother Bengi because it has bankrupt me financially. 681 00:33:46,350 --> 00:33:47,350 I have fibbomyalgia, PTSD, anxiety. 682 00:33:47,350 --> 00:33:48,350 I've just went to school. 683 00:33:48,350 --> 00:33:49,350 I going to start school on Monday. 684 00:33:49,350 --> 00:33:50,350 I have seen things happen. 685 00:33:50,350 --> 00:33:54,190 I have learned joy, I have learned misery, all kinds of stuff. 686 00:33:54,190 --> 00:33:56,350 You can take all kinds of things away from me. 687 00:33:56,350 --> 00:34:00,350 Sometimes I feel like I am going to go homeless any minute or I am going to lose my mind. 688 00:34:00,350 --> 00:34:02,110 And you know, everything is falling apart. 689 00:34:02,110 --> 00:34:03,810 And I don't get a grip. 690 00:34:03,810 --> 00:34:07,170 But there is one thing that is never taken away from me. 691 00:34:07,170 --> 00:34:08,930 There is one thing that I have. 692 00:34:08,930 --> 00:34:33,210 No one can ever take from me. People have taken my joy. They've taken my wishes, my hopes, my dreams. Life itself has been really something. But nobody could ever take away my sobriety. That's the only thing I can give you. And I cherish my sobriety. And so I look at every single situation that says, does this bring me closer to a drink? Or does it bring me closer to my sobriety? 693 00:34:33,210 --> 00:35:02,330 I will not let nothing and nobody, no circumstance or situation ever rob me of the gift you've given me. Sobriety is a gift given to me by God. And what I do, it is my gift to God. And I do not know how not to give this program away. My phone rings like central office. I have a coffee pot going on in my house. I travel all over the freaking world. And I'm not a world traveler. And I don't like speaking, but I do it because my life depends on it because you gave me a purpose. 694 00:35:02,330 --> 00:35:03,190 All these other things. 695 00:35:03,210 --> 00:35:33,190 All these other things that I think I want to be and I think I want to have and I think I want to do. This is what drives my insanity and my thinking and my disease just does double time with that. God is a show off. He gave me a purpose. And that purpose is to stay sober and carry the message. That's it. And that's all. That's why I call him a show off. He takes a girl like me, unloved, unwanted, unnecessary and insignificant. He picks me up, dusts me off, builds me up so you can see what he can do. Oh, I get mad at him sometimes. And I say if he could do that for me, could you do that for me? 696 00:35:33,190 --> 00:36:02,770 Could you imagine what he can do for you? If nobody told you they love you today, I truly truly do. I want to thank you for allowing the God in you to help discover the God in me so that I return can do it the same for others. You guys have no idea, especially today. I'm having a really hard time. I'm just a little tired. Just having a moment. I just have to say that out loud. You know what I mean? Because it'll be a secret. I'm just a little tired. Just need uncle. You know, I just need time, life to just give me a break for a minute. But if it did, I wouldn't need God as much as I do. So you have no idea the 12 step call you've done on me today. 697 00:36:03,190 --> 00:36:05,410 I needed to be here. Thank you so much.