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Now, I would like to introduce our main speaker, Steve L.

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Steve L, Alcoholic.

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It's good to be here.

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It's good to be sober if you're new.

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Welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous.

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And I think there were a couple hands that I saw that raised as new.

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And I want to thank Oscar for inviting me to share.

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It's always an honor and privilege to share.

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And thank you.

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And I enjoyed Sean and Nancy.

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I enjoyed the 10-minute talks.

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That's great.

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And one of the reasons why I like to say that I appreciate being here is because that became

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a little bit more evident to me a few years ago.

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Because what happened, my sobriety day is July 27th, 1996.

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So I've been sober 23 years.

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And shortly before my 20th birthday in May of 2016, I got shot.

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Now, I've been shot before.

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I was in the Army.

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And I got shot when I was in Beirut.

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I was in Special Forces.

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But my team sergeant at the time was totally unimpressed with it.

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He's a Scottish guy.

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And he was like, flam.

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This is a mere flesh wound.

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It was a through and through.

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It was no big deal.

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But this time in May of 2016, when I got shot, I got shot in the chest.

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And what happened was I was up in Badger, California, which is right outside of Sequoia

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National Park.

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It's a beautiful area at the Seven Circles Retreat Center.

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And I had had breakfast.

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It was a Saturday morning.

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And I was back in the cabin.

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I was sitting on my bed, minding my own business.

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And there was a gentleman upstairs from me that decided it was the right time to clear

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his Glock 9mm weapon, which is no big deal other than the fact that instead of removing

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a round from the chamber, he jacked a round into the chamber.

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And then when he fired it, he shot the floor that he was on, which was the ceiling above

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me.

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The round went through the ceiling and it entered my chest right above my heart, and

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it traveled down and buried right in my sternum.

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Go get your attention, you know.

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And in Alcoholics Anonymous, we talk about serenity and peace of mind.

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But I got to tell you, the first word out of my mouth was not very serene.

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It was a shortened version of fire truck.

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And I kind of, I yelped it, actually.

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And the guy from upstairs comes running downstairs, and he looks at me and goes, what happened?

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Like, you shot me.

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That's what happened.

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And this guy starts absolutely freaking out.

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He is totally freaking out.

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And what I found myself doing is I am trying to calm this guy down.

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Now, I've just been shot.

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I'm trying to calm him down.

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That is all because of Alcoholics Anonymous and the steps.

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Because I got to tell you, I was just coming into my 20th year of sobriety, and if it had

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been 20 years earlier, I'd have been 10 different shades of pissed off.

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I don't know what your idea of a justified resentment is, but I think getting shot should

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be, should be up there, right?

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And I'm trying to calm this guy down.

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And I tell him, look, I said, you got to take me to the hospital, right?

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So, we drive down to Visalia to the Cahuilla Medical Center.

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That's a local medical center.

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And I go into the emergency room.

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I got this bloody towel on my chest, and they're like, can we help you?

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I'm thinking it's pretty obvious, but I said, yeah, I've been shot.

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Now, when you tell them you've been shot, you go right to the head of the line.

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There's a bunch of people in the emergency room that maybe some broken bones and stuff.

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But when you tell them you've been shot, they wheel out the gurney.

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There's 12, 13 people working on me.

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They bring me in.

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They do this overhead x-ray to find the round.

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And then I'm being attended by a cardiothoracic surgeon.

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They hook me up to an EKG, and the cardiothoracic surgeon looks at me, and he goes, you know,

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I don't know how to tell you this.

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This is really bizarre.

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This round is lodged in your sternum, and it's not moving.

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It's embedded in there.

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And apparently, it went right by your heart within millimeters.

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It missed all the arteries.

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I don't know how that happened, but it looks like you're going to stabilize, and we're

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going to release you in a couple of days.

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But we noticed in the EKG, you have this thing called an atrial

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flutter, which is like AFib, atrial fibrillation.

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Your heart is just spasming, which is not that surprising.

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A bullet just went right by it, so it's probably not thrilled with that concept.

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And he said, look, this is not something that is of immediate concern, but you need to see

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a cardiologist when you go back to where you live, because this is the type of thing, if

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you don't pay attention to it, you might need medication.

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You could have a stroke and die.

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So they released me after a few days, and I come down.

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I live in Redondo Beach, California.

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I go to the Torrance Memorial Medical Center.

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I see my doctor, Dr. Carlson.

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He hooks me up to an EKG, and he says, yeah, you've got this thing called an atrial flutter.

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He says, but look, you know, it's not that big a deal.

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We've got this procedure, and what I like to do is I like to do this procedure.

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It's called a cardioversion on you, and it works most of the time.

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And what we're going to do is you've seen, you know, in the movies where they paddle

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somebody, you know, and they shock you.

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Well, that's barbaric.

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We would never do that to you.

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What we're going to do is tape these pads to your chest, and then we're going to hit

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you with a jolt of electricity that will stop your heart.

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We will wait five to seven seconds.

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Then we'll hit you with another jolt of electricity that will restart your heart, and hopefully

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it will be insane.

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So I'm like, you know, I'm not that quick on the uptake, doc, but that sounds like you're

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going to kill me.

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And Dr. Carlson says, no, no, no, no, we don't like to look at it that way.

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You know, it's a medical procedure.

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It's a cardioversion.

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I've done it hundreds of times.

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I'll be attending.

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You'll be in the hospital.

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And by the way, before the procedure, there will be an anesthesiologist, and the anesthesiologist

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will come in and we'll give you something to make you comfortable.

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So I'm an alcoholic.

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I go from you're going to kill me to I'm going to get comfortable.

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Now, it's not that I haven't been comfortable in Alcoholics Anonymous, but I haven't been

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that kind of comfortable in over 20 years, you know?

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And I know this is like a free pass.

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My sponsor will be okay with this.

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So I'm like, okay, doc, let's do it.

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Sign me up.

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Let's go, right?

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So three, four weeks later, I show up at the hospital.

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I got the little gown on.

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They tape the pads to my chest.

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I got an IV in me, and Dr. Carlson's there, and the anesthesiologist walks in, and he's

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got a syringe full of comfortable, and I'm just watching him all the way across the room,

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you know?

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And he gets up to me, and he makes a little small talk, and he injects the comfortable

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into the IV.

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And the next thing I know, Dr. Carlson's leaning over me.

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He goes, how you doing?

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I'm like, I'm good.

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I'm good, doc.

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He goes, well, how do you feel?

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I said, I feel fine.

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I'm ready.

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Let's do it.

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Let's go ahead and do the procedure.

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He goes, no, no, no, we already did the procedure.

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The procedure's over.

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And I immediately went, no, no, no, that ain't right.

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That ain't right.

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You told me I was going to get comfortable.

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So here I am arguing with a doctor about general anesthesia.

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I've only had one sponsor since I've been sober, and he's still alive, thank God.

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But I've had several grand sponsors.

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One of my grand sponsors was a guy named Scott Redman.

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He died a little over 11 years ago.

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And what Scott used to say is that only alcoholics get excited about general anesthesia.

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Because in the old days, and the older people will know this.

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Younger people won't know this.

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But in the old days, what they would do is they would give you general anesthesia, and

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they would tell you to count back from 100.

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And you'd go 100, 99.

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And we live for 99 and 98.

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So we're looking for that.

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But what they did this time is they gave me this stuff called Propothol, which is what

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they gave Michael Jackson.

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They just gave me the correct dose.

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And the problem with Propothol is you're here, and then you're here.

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There's no there.

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There's no 99.

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It's really disappointing, frankly.

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But that's not the point of the reason why I tell the story.

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The reason why I tell the story is because when I got shot, I was on an AA retreat.

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Now, just let that settle in for a little while.

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Yeah.

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Just let that settle in for a little bit, okay?

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Because you read in the 12 and 12 how we're suggested to go on an occasional retreat where

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we can kind of get maybe with a sponsor, maybe do some step work, get some quiet alone time,

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meditate, pray, get away from the worldly clamors, right?

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I'm on an AA retreat, but it's better than that.

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I'm leading the retreat.

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I'd given a talk the night before on unity, which I thought was rather compelling, but

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I don't know if that guy paid attention because he shot me.

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And the evening of the morning when I got shot, that evening, I was scheduled to give

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a talk on acceptance and forgiveness.

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Yeah.

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But the best part, the guy that shot me, I sponsor him.

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Yeah.

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I sponsored him then, I sponsor him now.

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And people are like, well, how can you do that?

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Well, because of forgiveness, which I learned in Alcoholics Anonymous.

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And one of the things that I learned is I made a lot of mistakes before I got here,

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and I've made a lot of mistakes since I've been here.

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And one of the things that happens through the amends process is we're granted and we're

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given and we provide forgiveness.

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And that is an integral part of Alcoholics Anonymous as I see it.

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When I got here, I didn't want to be here.

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I didn't have a felony DUI, but I got popped for a DUI.

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I used to drive drunk all the time.

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I'm the kind of guy that I like to drink beer and chew tequila because beer is like a basic

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food group and tequila is like an accelerant, okay?

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And the way I drink beer and chew tequila is sometimes it's by design, but sometimes

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I just like, my wife sends me out to get milk and I come back three days later.

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You know, I meet somebody like Oscar, we start drinking beer, shoot tequila.

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I used to do this thing called, I thought it was time travel.

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Now I realize it's black and out.

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Okay.

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And, and three days later and I come back, I come back and I'm like, but I stop at the

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store.

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I get the milk.

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I'm like, Hey baby, I got the milk.

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She's not impressed.

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I don't understand that there's a time requirement to the task, you know?

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And I can't, I can't predict when this is going to happen.

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You know, I cannot control and enjoy my drink.

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I cannot drink for a short period of time, but I'm not a happy camper.

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And when I drank, I can't, I can't stop.

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I just, I have no regulator on that whatsoever.

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And I used to drive drunk all the time.

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Finally got popped for a DUI.

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They, they sentenced me to go to Alcoholics Anonymous.

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I come to AA July 27th, 1996.

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That's my sobriety date.

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I didn't want to get sober, stay sober.

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But what happened is I started listening to you tell my story.

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The facts and circumstances were all a little different, but it was the same story.

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It was the same emotions.

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It was the same crap.

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And I, and I could hear it and I didn't like it.

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I didn't like it.

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And there were some older ladies at the meeting that I was going to that would tell me, you

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know, just don't leave before the miracle.

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I'm like, okay, I'm ready.

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Give me the miracle.

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I'm not taking any action.

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I have a lot of activity, but not action.

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Didn't understand the difference.

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People were talking about 90 meetings in 90 days.

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You know, meeting makers make it all of which is good practical advice about activity, but

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it's not about the program of action in the big book.

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There were people that were talking about the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous.

240
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They were talking about the program, which is a 12 steps.

241
00:09:29,410 --> 00:09:31,810
They were talking about the big book, which is where you find that.

242
00:09:31,810 --> 00:09:34,050
They were talking about finding a God or a higher power.

243
00:09:34,050 --> 00:09:37,650
If you prefer the term of your understanding, which is the point of the exercise.

244
00:09:37,650 --> 00:09:39,810
And they were talking about a sponsor, which is just a guide.

245
00:09:39,810 --> 00:09:42,530
That takes you through the process, but I'm not an extra credit guy.

246
00:09:42,530 --> 00:09:43,570
I'm not drinking.

247
00:09:43,570 --> 00:09:44,050
Okay.

248
00:09:44,050 --> 00:09:46,450
I'm I'm like, I, I don't want to get over sober.

249
00:09:46,450 --> 00:09:49,650
I'm I'm waiting for the miracle, but I'm not taking any action.

250
00:09:49,650 --> 00:09:53,810
And what happens to me is I go about a hundred days, start craving sober.

251
00:09:53,810 --> 00:09:55,170
And I'm just, I'm out of my mind.

252
00:09:55,170 --> 00:09:56,050
I'm going to the meetings.

253
00:09:56,050 --> 00:09:57,170
I'm a jackass at home.

254
00:09:57,170 --> 00:10:00,290
I'm a jackass at, at the, at work at meetings.

255
00:10:00,290 --> 00:10:03,490
I come into meetings and the old timers are looking at me and they're going lamb, just

256
00:10:03,490 --> 00:10:04,130
sit in the corner.

257
00:10:04,130 --> 00:10:07,330
And for God's sakes, don't talk to any newcomers because they still have hope.

258
00:10:07,330 --> 00:10:09,970
You know, it was, it was, it was bad.

259
00:10:09,970 --> 00:10:12,050
And, uh, I'm a trial lawyer by trade.

260
00:10:12,050 --> 00:10:13,330
So I got about a hundred days.

261
00:10:13,330 --> 00:10:15,170
I go back and I'm in Pittsburgh.

262
00:10:15,170 --> 00:10:17,170
I'm doing some depositions, getting ready for a trial.

263
00:10:17,170 --> 00:10:18,770
I was supposed to be there all week, but I get done.

264
00:10:18,770 --> 00:10:20,770
I'm done like Wednesday, Thursday, midday.

265
00:10:20,770 --> 00:10:21,890
I come back to the hotel room.

266
00:10:21,890 --> 00:10:23,970
I've got an honor bar, an honor bar.

267
00:10:23,970 --> 00:10:24,850
I'm an alcoholic.

268
00:10:24,850 --> 00:10:25,410
I'm a newcomer.

269
00:10:25,410 --> 00:10:27,250
I have no honor, but they've given me this mini fridge.

270
00:10:27,250 --> 00:10:28,370
I've got the key to it.

271
00:10:28,370 --> 00:10:32,050
And it doesn't have everything I want and need in it, but it's a really good start.

272
00:10:32,050 --> 00:10:37,330
You know, two by two by two there's bourbon, scotch, uh, vodka, no tequila, which was annoying,

273
00:10:37,330 --> 00:10:38,610
but there's some good stuff in there.

274
00:10:38,610 --> 00:10:42,930
And if, if you've ever seen the movie flight with Denzel Washington, those honor bars talk

275
00:10:42,930 --> 00:10:43,250
to you.

276
00:10:43,250 --> 00:10:44,290
I mean, it's talking to me.

277
00:10:44,290 --> 00:10:45,170
I'm talking to it.

278
00:10:45,170 --> 00:10:45,890
I want to drink.

279
00:10:45,890 --> 00:10:47,090
I, I can taste it.

280
00:10:47,090 --> 00:10:50,450
I want to drink and, and I'm, I I'm opening and shutting the honor bar.

281
00:10:50,450 --> 00:10:51,570
I'm inventorying the honor bar.

282
00:10:51,570 --> 00:10:53,250
I'm arranging the domestics, the imports.

283
00:10:53,250 --> 00:10:55,570
I get nervous because I'm thinking I'm going to drink.

284
00:10:55,570 --> 00:10:56,690
So I flip on the television.

285
00:10:56,690 --> 00:11:01,410
I'm flipping back and forth between religious television and porno, religious television

286
00:11:01,410 --> 00:11:01,970
and porno.

287
00:11:01,970 --> 00:11:04,370
And, uh, you too, uh, Oscar.

288
00:11:04,370 --> 00:11:04,530
Yeah.

289
00:11:04,530 --> 00:11:08,850
And, and, and, and I'm getting confused as to who's doing what on what station, right?

290
00:11:08,850 --> 00:11:10,210
Which is, but that's a personal problem.

291
00:11:10,210 --> 00:11:14,370
And then, and, uh, one of the things that I love the big book, I love the 12 and 12,

292
00:11:14,370 --> 00:11:18,130
but when I was new, my sponsor had me listen to a series of talks by a guy named Chuck

293
00:11:18,130 --> 00:11:18,610
Chamberlain.

294
00:11:18,610 --> 00:11:19,890
The old timers will know about this guy.

295
00:11:19,890 --> 00:11:22,770
In 1975, he gave a series of talks down in Palo Mesa.

296
00:11:22,770 --> 00:11:24,290
And, uh, it was at a retreat.

297
00:11:24,290 --> 00:11:28,850
And when he passed away in the mid eighties, one of his sponsees had it transcribed and

298
00:11:28,850 --> 00:11:29,650
they put it in a book.

299
00:11:29,650 --> 00:11:31,650
It's called a new pair of glasses.

300
00:11:31,650 --> 00:11:33,810
And in this book, it's that conference approved literature.

301
00:11:33,810 --> 00:11:36,530
It's just one alcoholics, you know, process.

302
00:11:37,090 --> 00:11:40,290
And he has one drawing, one simple drawing.

303
00:11:40,290 --> 00:11:43,810
What, what Chuck does is he draws a circle and he puts all the people, plants, and animals

304
00:11:43,810 --> 00:11:45,650
in the universe inside the circle of life.

305
00:11:45,650 --> 00:11:50,290
And then he puts life, good God, whatever your concept of a higher power is all inside

306
00:11:50,290 --> 00:11:51,170
the circle of life.

307
00:11:51,170 --> 00:11:55,570
And then Chuck draws a stick man outside the circle of life, separate and apart.

308
00:11:55,570 --> 00:11:59,010
And what keeps that person outside the circle of life is a thin line that he identifies

309
00:11:59,010 --> 00:12:01,250
his ego or conscious separation from God.

310
00:12:01,250 --> 00:12:03,490
The 11th step, we're trying to get conscious contact.

311
00:12:03,490 --> 00:12:04,210
I'm a newcomer.

312
00:12:04,210 --> 00:12:05,410
I've got conscious separation.

313
00:12:05,410 --> 00:12:07,570
The 12 and 12 calls it anxious apartness.

314
00:12:07,570 --> 00:12:11,090
It's a feeling of separation that every alcoholic I've ever talked to has.

315
00:12:11,090 --> 00:12:12,770
It is the grand illusion.

316
00:12:12,770 --> 00:12:13,810
It is the big delusion.

317
00:12:13,810 --> 00:12:15,410
It's not true.

318
00:12:15,410 --> 00:12:19,490
It's actually physically and spiritually impossible to be outside the circle of life.

319
00:12:19,490 --> 00:12:22,290
And the better reality is there's not an edge to the circle.

320
00:12:22,290 --> 00:12:24,370
But until I do the steps, I can't see that.

321
00:12:24,370 --> 00:12:25,570
I'm just out of my mind.

322
00:12:25,570 --> 00:12:27,570
But for whatever reason, I don't drink.

323
00:12:27,570 --> 00:12:29,410
You can call it the dumb luck of the alcoholic.

324
00:12:29,410 --> 00:12:31,010
Norm Alpe used to call it seconds and inches.

325
00:12:31,010 --> 00:12:34,450
I believe it's the grace of God, but I would not have used that term back then.

326
00:12:34,450 --> 00:12:35,410
I go downstairs.

327
00:12:35,410 --> 00:12:36,530
I drive out to the airport.

328
00:12:36,530 --> 00:12:37,410
I fly home.

329
00:12:37,410 --> 00:12:41,090
I get up the next morning, and I've got a newcomer plan because I've had time to think

330
00:12:41,090 --> 00:12:41,650
on the plane.

331
00:12:41,650 --> 00:12:43,570
And my newcomer, I'm thinking it's a good plan.

332
00:12:43,570 --> 00:12:45,650
Like I said, I was in the army for 13 and a half years.

333
00:12:45,650 --> 00:12:47,810
I went through airborne school, ranger school.

334
00:12:47,810 --> 00:12:49,490
I went over to Korea for a year.

335
00:12:49,490 --> 00:12:52,450
They then sent me through special forces selection and assessment.

336
00:12:52,450 --> 00:12:54,370
I served as a Green Beret for several years.

337
00:12:54,370 --> 00:12:55,730
They picked me up to go to law school.

338
00:12:55,730 --> 00:12:57,650
I went to law school at University of Southern California.

339
00:12:57,650 --> 00:13:00,290
Went back to special operations command at Fort Bragg.

340
00:13:00,290 --> 00:13:03,010
Wound up at the 82nd Airborne Division for a while.

341
00:13:03,010 --> 00:13:06,770
My last job was as a JAG in the Pentagon.

342
00:13:06,770 --> 00:13:10,690
My job was I was the intelligence oversight advisor for the United States Army, which

343
00:13:10,690 --> 00:13:11,330
should concern you.

344
00:13:11,330 --> 00:13:15,650
And when I got out in 1993, I'd had some stuff that I'd acquired.

345
00:13:15,650 --> 00:13:16,850
I had a kit bag.

346
00:13:16,850 --> 00:13:17,810
I had a go bag.

347
00:13:17,810 --> 00:13:20,210
I had some weapons and some demo and 13 passports.

348
00:13:20,210 --> 00:13:24,130
And these passports had my photograph, different names, different countries on them.

349
00:13:24,130 --> 00:13:25,090
And I'd kept this stuff.

350
00:13:25,090 --> 00:13:28,850
And in 1993, when I got out of the army, I didn't even turn it in.

351
00:13:28,850 --> 00:13:30,130
I didn't even think about it as stealing.

352
00:13:30,130 --> 00:13:33,010
I just thought this might come in handy one day, right?

353
00:13:33,010 --> 00:13:33,970
And today's the day.

354
00:13:33,970 --> 00:13:35,330
So I'm laying this stuff out.

355
00:13:35,330 --> 00:13:36,370
My newcomer plan is this.

356
00:13:36,370 --> 00:13:40,930
I'm going to take my blue tourist passport, my legitimate passport, the one that everybody

357
00:13:40,930 --> 00:13:43,490
should have, that's got my name and my photograph on it.

358
00:13:43,490 --> 00:13:44,850
And I'm going to fly to British Columbia.

359
00:13:44,850 --> 00:13:46,530
It's important to leave the country on your name.

360
00:13:46,530 --> 00:13:48,850
When I get to British Columbia, I'm going to start heading east.

361
00:13:48,850 --> 00:13:50,610
I'm going to go to Europe for a week or two.

362
00:13:50,610 --> 00:13:54,050
I'm going to start flipping passports, flipping identities, come back to British Columbia.

363
00:13:54,050 --> 00:13:55,250
Steve Lamb will cease to exist.

364
00:13:55,250 --> 00:13:55,970
Now, I got a wife.

365
00:13:55,970 --> 00:13:56,850
I got a daughter.

366
00:13:56,850 --> 00:13:57,810
But it's a career move.

367
00:13:57,810 --> 00:13:59,090
So I don't really consult with them.

368
00:13:59,090 --> 00:13:59,890
You know what I'm saying?

369
00:13:59,890 --> 00:14:03,410
And then my plan is I'm going to head down to Costa Rica because I've got some former

370
00:14:03,410 --> 00:14:07,410
army associates of mine that are doing some marketing and distribution down in Costa Rica.

371
00:14:07,410 --> 00:14:09,090
That's my newcomer plan, right?

372
00:14:09,090 --> 00:14:10,850
So I lay all this stuff out.

373
00:14:10,850 --> 00:14:15,090
And the 13 passports I should have turned in in 1993, they're current.

374
00:14:15,090 --> 00:14:15,970
They have not expired.

375
00:14:15,970 --> 00:14:18,130
But my blue tourist passport has expired.

376
00:14:18,130 --> 00:14:19,970
So I'm just beside myself.

377
00:14:19,970 --> 00:14:20,930
I'm out of my mind.

378
00:14:20,930 --> 00:14:22,770
Now, the bizarre thing is this.

379
00:14:22,770 --> 00:14:24,290
I'm relatively well educated.

380
00:14:24,290 --> 00:14:25,730
The army sent me to law school.

381
00:14:25,730 --> 00:14:27,730
They sent me to get an LLM, a master of law.

382
00:14:27,730 --> 00:14:28,930
It's right next to the University of Virginia.

383
00:14:28,930 --> 00:14:32,050
I'm licensed to practice before the Supreme Court of the United States of America.

384
00:14:32,050 --> 00:14:36,770
But that particular morning in the fall of 1996, I did not have the synaptic capacity.

385
00:14:36,770 --> 00:14:39,570
I didn't have the brainpower to realize this is pre-911.

386
00:14:39,570 --> 00:14:42,130
I could have flown to British Columbia on my driver's license.

387
00:14:42,130 --> 00:14:43,410
I didn't need a passport.

388
00:14:43,410 --> 00:14:46,850
But for some reason, I'm thinking I can't execute my seemingly brilliant plan.

389
00:14:46,850 --> 00:14:47,970
So I didn't know what to do.

390
00:14:47,970 --> 00:14:48,930
I went to a meeting.

391
00:14:48,930 --> 00:14:49,810
I met a guy.

392
00:14:49,810 --> 00:14:50,610
I met another guy.

393
00:14:50,610 --> 00:14:52,370
I wound up getting assigned a sponsor.

394
00:14:52,370 --> 00:14:57,010
And my sponsor, Michael, told me to get the big book and the 12 in 12, to read the first

395
00:14:57,010 --> 00:14:57,650
chapter of the 12.

396
00:14:57,650 --> 00:14:59,090
12 in 12 on the first step.

397
00:14:59,090 --> 00:15:02,050
And to read the big book from the very beginning through the doctor's opinion.

398
00:15:02,050 --> 00:15:03,090
To highlight it.

399
00:15:03,090 --> 00:15:06,930
To make notes if I had questions or disagreed or agreed with certain things.

400
00:15:06,930 --> 00:15:10,530
And that I was supposed to show up Monday night, 6 30, and we would go over it.

401
00:15:10,530 --> 00:15:10,930
Fine.

402
00:15:10,930 --> 00:15:12,370
So I do the homework, right?

403
00:15:12,370 --> 00:15:13,970
And I show up at his house.

404
00:15:13,970 --> 00:15:17,410
And he tells me a little bit about himself, asks me some questions about myself.

405
00:15:17,410 --> 00:15:19,570
I tell him about my stupid plan, my newcomer plan.

406
00:15:19,570 --> 00:15:21,810
And then he says, okay, get your big book out.

407
00:15:21,810 --> 00:15:22,450
Open your big book.

408
00:15:22,450 --> 00:15:22,850
I open it.

409
00:15:22,850 --> 00:15:23,810
He says, okay, let's start reading.

410
00:15:23,810 --> 00:15:24,450
I'm like, no, no, no.

411
00:15:24,450 --> 00:15:24,850
I read it.

412
00:15:24,850 --> 00:15:25,890
He goes, no, no, start reading.

413
00:15:25,890 --> 00:15:26,930
I go, no, no, I read it.

414
00:15:26,930 --> 00:15:28,130
He goes, no, start reading.

415
00:15:28,130 --> 00:15:29,810
What we're going to do is I'm going to read a paragraph or two.

416
00:15:29,810 --> 00:15:30,850
You're going to read a paragraph or two.

417
00:15:30,850 --> 00:15:31,570
We're going to talk about it.

418
00:15:31,570 --> 00:15:33,010
We're going to go through this, how we do this.

419
00:15:33,010 --> 00:15:35,250
And I'm thinking, this is pathetic, you know?

420
00:15:35,250 --> 00:15:37,010
But I don't want to embarrass him, right?

421
00:15:37,010 --> 00:15:38,610
So I start this process.

422
00:15:39,250 --> 00:15:42,450
And what happened was when we got to a prayer, we said the prayer.

423
00:15:42,450 --> 00:15:44,130
And when we got to a step, we worked the step.

424
00:15:44,130 --> 00:15:45,090
And it saved my life.

425
00:15:45,090 --> 00:15:47,090
And I was absolutely convinced it would not work.

426
00:15:47,090 --> 00:15:50,290
And if you're new and you're thinking it's not going to work, we don't really care what

427
00:15:50,290 --> 00:15:51,330
you think, okay?

428
00:15:51,330 --> 00:15:52,690
And I'm not trying to be mean or cruel.

429
00:15:52,690 --> 00:15:55,330
I'm just saying, we're just assuming you have a bad thought pattern.

430
00:15:55,330 --> 00:15:56,610
Because we all did.

431
00:15:56,610 --> 00:16:00,210
I've never met anybody that's come up and looked at the 12 steps up on the wall and

432
00:16:00,210 --> 00:16:01,490
gone, thank God.

433
00:16:01,490 --> 00:16:02,770
I've been waiting my whole life for this.

434
00:16:02,770 --> 00:16:05,010
Alex, will you take me through the steps?

435
00:16:05,010 --> 00:16:05,730
No, we don't do that.

436
00:16:05,730 --> 00:16:06,210
We look at that.

437
00:16:06,210 --> 00:16:07,570
We're like, are you kidding me?

438
00:16:07,570 --> 00:16:08,210
Really?

439
00:16:08,210 --> 00:16:10,770
What does it have to do with my complex set of social issues?

440
00:16:10,770 --> 00:16:12,290
I see that fourth and fifth step.

441
00:16:12,290 --> 00:16:13,810
There's apparently some confession involved.

442
00:16:13,810 --> 00:16:15,250
And then that's not bad enough.

443
00:16:15,250 --> 00:16:15,890
There's eight and nine.

444
00:16:15,890 --> 00:16:16,850
We're going to have to...

445
00:16:16,850 --> 00:16:17,810
I understand there's rest...

446
00:16:17,810 --> 00:16:18,850
I'm not stupid.

447
00:16:18,850 --> 00:16:20,130
I know it's their money.

448
00:16:20,130 --> 00:16:22,850
But I've been hanging on to it for a long time, okay?

449
00:16:22,850 --> 00:16:25,170
And some of them don't even know I've got their money.

450
00:16:25,170 --> 00:16:28,290
So I don't know how that's going to have anything to do with me getting sober.

451
00:16:28,290 --> 00:16:29,730
And there's a lot of stuff about God in there.

452
00:16:29,730 --> 00:16:31,250
That seems like over the top.

453
00:16:31,250 --> 00:16:32,690
I mean, do we really need to do that?

454
00:16:32,690 --> 00:16:34,370
None of this makes sense looking forward.

455
00:16:34,370 --> 00:16:37,010
It only makes sense looking backwards after you've done it.

456
00:16:37,010 --> 00:16:38,930
Because Alcoholics Anonymous is experiential.

457
00:16:38,930 --> 00:16:40,130
You're going to have your experience.

458
00:16:40,130 --> 00:16:42,530
It's not mine, not your sponsors, but your experience.

459
00:16:42,530 --> 00:16:44,130
And I got that through working the steps.

460
00:16:44,130 --> 00:16:47,330
And I got to tell you, I want to talk about some of the steps in particular.

461
00:16:47,330 --> 00:16:49,410
Because I find we've got some new people.

462
00:16:49,410 --> 00:16:51,330
And a lot of times there's some confusion.

463
00:16:51,330 --> 00:16:53,410
People will think, for example, in the fourth step,

464
00:16:53,410 --> 00:16:55,090
oh my God, that's just going to take forever.

465
00:16:55,090 --> 00:16:55,730
A couple of things.

466
00:16:55,730 --> 00:16:57,410
I'm not an authority in Alcoholics Anonymous.

467
00:16:57,410 --> 00:16:58,050
I wasn't appointed.

468
00:16:58,050 --> 00:16:58,770
I wasn't anointed.

469
00:16:58,770 --> 00:17:01,650
This is just this alcoholic talking about his experience.

470
00:17:01,650 --> 00:17:03,810
Whatever you're doing, whatever your sponsors have and you do,

471
00:17:03,810 --> 00:17:04,690
that's what you need to do.

472
00:17:04,690 --> 00:17:06,690
But I got to tell you, it's really simple.

473
00:17:06,690 --> 00:17:07,810
I'm kind of a wordsmith.

474
00:17:07,810 --> 00:17:08,530
I'm an arguer.

475
00:17:08,530 --> 00:17:09,410
I'm a pain in the butt.

476
00:17:09,410 --> 00:17:12,130
So my sponsor took me to page 65 in the big book.

477
00:17:12,130 --> 00:17:13,250
That's where the columns are.

478
00:17:13,250 --> 00:17:16,850
And he said, look, you'll notice that they're not even complete sentences.

479
00:17:18,290 --> 00:17:19,810
It's almost like bullet points.

480
00:17:19,810 --> 00:17:21,810
You only need a few words for each of these columns.

481
00:17:22,450 --> 00:17:23,810
We need the resentment.

482
00:17:24,930 --> 00:17:26,370
Who you're resentful at.

483
00:17:26,370 --> 00:17:27,570
Two or three words.

484
00:17:27,570 --> 00:17:28,450
What is the cause?

485
00:17:28,450 --> 00:17:29,170
Two or three words.

486
00:17:29,170 --> 00:17:29,970
That's the second column.

487
00:17:29,970 --> 00:17:32,530
The third column is how it affects you or what the condition is.

488
00:17:32,530 --> 00:17:36,610
Is it self-esteem, pocketbook, ambition, security, personal relations, sex relations?

489
00:17:36,610 --> 00:17:37,490
Just get it down on paper.

490
00:17:37,490 --> 00:17:39,170
And then he said, I want a fourth column.

491
00:17:39,170 --> 00:17:40,370
There's not a fourth column in the book.

492
00:17:40,370 --> 00:17:43,890
But if you look on page 67, it says, referring back to our list,

493
00:17:43,890 --> 00:17:45,570
we're going to identify mistake, fault, and blame.

494
00:17:45,570 --> 00:17:47,650
He said, it doesn't say my part.

495
00:17:47,650 --> 00:17:51,730
You hear a lot of people in Alcoholics Anonymous say, fourth column, my part, my part, my part.

496
00:17:51,730 --> 00:17:54,130
Perfectly good shorthand, but that's not what it says.

497
00:17:54,130 --> 00:17:58,370
I don't want you to think of it that way because sometimes people think they have to have a part

498
00:17:58,370 --> 00:18:01,090
or a mistake, fault, and blame in both the second column and the third column.

499
00:18:01,090 --> 00:18:03,650
We always have it in the third column, not necessarily in the second column.

500
00:18:03,650 --> 00:18:04,850
I have no idea what he's talking about.

501
00:18:04,850 --> 00:18:06,130
I'm just trying to follow directions.

502
00:18:06,130 --> 00:18:09,730
He gives me the instructions on the fear inventory, sexual misconduct inventory, turns

503
00:18:09,730 --> 00:18:10,610
me loose.

504
00:18:10,610 --> 00:18:11,970
So it should take me a couple weeks.

505
00:18:11,970 --> 00:18:16,530
It took me five weeks, two or three weeks to think about it, and two or three weeks

506
00:18:16,530 --> 00:18:17,330
to do it.

507
00:18:17,330 --> 00:18:20,210
Because like the big book says, it's simple but not easy.

508
00:18:20,210 --> 00:18:22,290
The simple is the black part, the instructions.

509
00:18:22,290 --> 00:18:26,610
The not easy part is me and my ego, which tries to separate me from you and from God

510
00:18:26,610 --> 00:18:27,890
and keep me from doing the work.

511
00:18:27,890 --> 00:18:29,010
So I finally get the work done.

512
00:18:29,010 --> 00:18:29,810
I show up at his house.

513
00:18:29,810 --> 00:18:30,690
I'm going to do a fifth step.

514
00:18:30,690 --> 00:18:33,490
And for the new people, I'm going to tell you the first person on my inventory, just

515
00:18:33,490 --> 00:18:35,570
so you understand how simple this can be.

516
00:18:35,570 --> 00:18:36,130
First column.

517
00:18:36,130 --> 00:18:38,130
I'm resentful at two words, my father.

518
00:18:38,130 --> 00:18:38,930
Second column.

519
00:18:38,930 --> 00:18:41,170
The cause, two words, deserted me.

520
00:18:41,170 --> 00:18:43,650
Now, like the book says, Michael's prepared for a long talk.

521
00:18:43,650 --> 00:18:44,690
He asked me some questions.

522
00:18:44,690 --> 00:18:46,450
I explained to him I'm four or five years old.

523
00:18:46,450 --> 00:18:47,890
I'm living in Las Vegas, Nevada.

524
00:18:47,890 --> 00:18:49,330
It's the early 60s.

525
00:18:49,330 --> 00:18:50,690
My father's in the Air Force.

526
00:18:50,690 --> 00:18:51,810
He goes to Vietnam.

527
00:18:51,810 --> 00:18:52,930
He doesn't die there.

528
00:18:52,930 --> 00:18:55,570
He just stays there for, I don't know, eight, 10, 12 years.

529
00:18:55,570 --> 00:18:57,730
He does a couple tours in the Air Force.

530
00:18:57,730 --> 00:18:59,970
He winds up joining an outfit called Air America.

531
00:18:59,970 --> 00:19:05,090
He meets a Thai woman, Lien Thong, my stepmother, marries her, apparently before he divorces

532
00:19:05,090 --> 00:19:05,490
my mom.

533
00:19:06,130 --> 00:19:09,170
I've never met Lien Thong, and I've got a half-sister, Peck.

534
00:19:09,170 --> 00:19:10,370
I've never met her either.

535
00:19:10,370 --> 00:19:13,170
And I've hardly heard from my father for three decades.

536
00:19:13,170 --> 00:19:13,730
Deserted me.

537
00:19:13,730 --> 00:19:14,290
Third column.

538
00:19:14,290 --> 00:19:15,170
What does it affect?

539
00:19:15,170 --> 00:19:15,650
Everything.

540
00:19:15,650 --> 00:19:19,650
Self-esteem, pocketbook, security, ambition, personal relations, sex relations.

541
00:19:19,650 --> 00:19:22,050
I mean, other than that, things are going pretty good, you know?

542
00:19:22,050 --> 00:19:24,050
And what's my mistake, fault, or blame?

543
00:19:24,050 --> 00:19:25,890
I don't have any in relation to the cause.

544
00:19:25,890 --> 00:19:26,530
I'm four or five.

545
00:19:26,530 --> 00:19:27,810
I didn't cause him to go to Vietnam.

546
00:19:27,810 --> 00:19:28,850
I didn't have anything to do with that.

547
00:19:28,850 --> 00:19:29,890
What about the condition?

548
00:19:29,890 --> 00:19:33,570
What defect of character do I have if God were to remove it, I would no longer have this

549
00:19:33,570 --> 00:19:33,970
resentment?

550
00:19:33,970 --> 00:19:35,650
Because like the book says, it's the number one offender.

551
00:19:35,650 --> 00:19:40,850
And if you think that that's hyperbolic and just grandiose and people are just talking,

552
00:19:40,850 --> 00:19:42,370
that's what I thought when I was new.

553
00:19:42,370 --> 00:19:46,050
But these rooms are littered with empty chairs from people that had resentments that went

554
00:19:46,050 --> 00:19:48,370
out and or died because they didn't resolve.

555
00:19:48,370 --> 00:19:50,290
It's unbelievably fatal.

556
00:19:50,290 --> 00:19:52,450
Because what we do is we take these resentments home.

557
00:19:52,450 --> 00:19:53,010
We water them.

558
00:19:53,010 --> 00:19:53,570
We nurture them.

559
00:19:53,570 --> 00:19:58,130
I have a guy that I sponsored for a number of years that we just had a memorial service

560
00:19:58,130 --> 00:20:00,370
because he could not get over a resentment.

561
00:20:00,370 --> 00:20:03,170
And he had a lot of physical problems to include high blood pressure.

562
00:20:03,170 --> 00:20:03,650
And it went.

563
00:20:03,650 --> 00:20:04,130
It got him.

564
00:20:04,130 --> 00:20:04,450
He got him.

565
00:20:04,450 --> 00:20:05,010
He had a stroke.

566
00:20:05,010 --> 00:20:05,490
He died.

567
00:20:05,490 --> 00:20:08,690
You know, he was just grinding, grinding, grinding, grinding.

568
00:20:08,690 --> 00:20:09,650
He wouldn't let it go.

569
00:20:09,650 --> 00:20:10,850
Wouldn't make amends.

570
00:20:10,850 --> 00:20:11,490
Wouldn't do it.

571
00:20:11,490 --> 00:20:12,130
Couldn't do it.

572
00:20:12,130 --> 00:20:12,450
I don't know.

573
00:20:12,450 --> 00:20:14,130
So what defect of character do I have?

574
00:20:14,130 --> 00:20:16,770
Am I selfish, self-centered, self-seeking, dishonest?

575
00:20:16,770 --> 00:20:17,970
I don't think that really applies.

576
00:20:17,970 --> 00:20:21,410
How about in the 12 in 12, it talks about the seven deadly sins.

577
00:20:21,410 --> 00:20:24,050
Pride, greed, lust, anger, gluttony, envy, sloth.

578
00:20:24,050 --> 00:20:25,170
I was angry as a little kid.

579
00:20:25,170 --> 00:20:26,050
I'm still pretty pissed off.

580
00:20:26,050 --> 00:20:26,930
So I write down anger.

581
00:20:26,930 --> 00:20:27,170
Fear.

582
00:20:27,170 --> 00:20:27,810
I have a lot of fear.

583
00:20:27,810 --> 00:20:29,090
What does the fear look like?

584
00:20:29,090 --> 00:20:30,050
I loved my father.

585
00:20:30,050 --> 00:20:32,450
And in my mind, that gave him a certain amount of power.

586
00:20:32,450 --> 00:20:33,490
And he abused that.

587
00:20:33,490 --> 00:20:35,170
And I can never let that happen again.

588
00:20:35,170 --> 00:20:39,890
There has to be a wall of insulation between me and you and you and me because it's not safe.

589
00:20:39,890 --> 00:20:42,130
So what I've done is I've constructed these barriers.

590
00:20:42,130 --> 00:20:45,090
The part of the big book that talks about the actor, I love that because I was under

591
00:20:45,090 --> 00:20:47,810
the misimpression that if you didn't really know who I was, you couldn't hurt me.

592
00:20:47,810 --> 00:20:49,010
That's not true.

593
00:20:49,010 --> 00:20:50,530
But that's how I'm operating.

594
00:20:50,530 --> 00:20:54,770
You know, this false sense of security and self.

595
00:20:54,770 --> 00:20:57,490
And what's happening is it's not good for marital relations,

596
00:20:57,490 --> 00:20:59,570
relationship with friends, with anybody, but it's all I get.

597
00:20:59,570 --> 00:21:00,450
It's fear-based.

598
00:21:00,450 --> 00:21:01,570
It's totally fear-based.

599
00:21:01,570 --> 00:21:05,490
And then finally, like it says on the bottom of 66 and on to 67,

600
00:21:05,490 --> 00:21:09,250
I am unwilling to say the prayer to the sick man about my father.

601
00:21:09,250 --> 00:21:13,490
I'm unwilling to view him as a child of God who could be spiritually sick like me.

602
00:21:13,490 --> 00:21:14,770
I'm unwilling to forgive him.

603
00:21:14,770 --> 00:21:17,810
So I read this to Michael and I'm getting ready to go on to the next person,

604
00:21:17,810 --> 00:21:19,170
who coincidentally is mom.

605
00:21:19,170 --> 00:21:20,290
And Michael stops me.

606
00:21:20,290 --> 00:21:21,650
He says, look, I got some questions.

607
00:21:21,650 --> 00:21:22,770
I want to make sure I understand this.

608
00:21:22,770 --> 00:21:23,570
I'm like, all right.

609
00:21:23,570 --> 00:21:25,410
He goes, you resentful at your father, right?

610
00:21:25,410 --> 00:21:27,090
I said, yeah, because if I understand this correctly,

611
00:21:27,090 --> 00:21:27,890
he deserted you.

612
00:21:27,890 --> 00:21:31,650
You've got some residual anger, a lot of fear, and you do not want to forgive your father.

613
00:21:31,650 --> 00:21:32,770
I'm like, yeah, that's right, Michael.

614
00:21:32,770 --> 00:21:33,330
And I've read ahead.

615
00:21:33,330 --> 00:21:34,290
I know there's a night step.

616
00:21:34,290 --> 00:21:34,930
Never going to happen.

617
00:21:34,930 --> 00:21:35,410
Not going to happen.

618
00:21:35,410 --> 00:21:36,050
He laughed at me.

619
00:21:36,050 --> 00:21:39,650
He goes, well, we're just doing five right now, but I got to tell you, we're going to get to that.

620
00:21:39,650 --> 00:21:40,930
I do have one more question.

621
00:21:40,930 --> 00:21:41,730
I'm like, well, what is that?

622
00:21:41,730 --> 00:21:44,930
He said, well, if I understand you correctly, when you came to me, you had this newcomer plan.

623
00:21:44,930 --> 00:21:48,610
You were going to go to Costa Rica, you had these passports, and you've got a wife,

624
00:21:48,610 --> 00:21:49,810
you've got a daughter.

625
00:21:49,810 --> 00:21:53,170
You didn't say you were going to desert him, but is there really a difference between what

626
00:21:53,170 --> 00:21:55,570
you were planning on doing and what your father actually did?

627
00:21:55,570 --> 00:21:59,250
My first thought was, this is not going the way I thought it was going to go at all.

628
00:21:59,250 --> 00:22:03,090
And I put my head down and I muttered something like, well, I mean, if you look at it that way.

629
00:22:03,650 --> 00:22:06,930
And if you're new, that's why in the fifth step, we admit to God,

630
00:22:06,930 --> 00:22:08,930
to ourselves, and to another human being.

631
00:22:08,930 --> 00:22:10,690
Because I can't see me for who I am.

632
00:22:10,690 --> 00:22:13,570
I can't see that I've become my father, the one thing that I didn't want to become.

633
00:22:14,130 --> 00:22:18,930
I need this person, this sponsor, to act as a mirror and reflect me back to me.

634
00:22:18,930 --> 00:22:19,650
And it's not a habit.

635
00:22:19,650 --> 00:22:20,610
It's a happy occasion.

636
00:22:20,610 --> 00:22:22,130
You know, I'm not really thrilled about this.

637
00:22:22,130 --> 00:22:24,530
I go through, I read the rest of the inventory, I do the fear inventory,

638
00:22:24,530 --> 00:22:26,130
the sexual misconduct inventory.

639
00:22:26,130 --> 00:22:28,530
I go home, I get quiet, I review what I've done.

640
00:22:28,530 --> 00:22:29,410
I flip the page.

641
00:22:29,410 --> 00:22:31,010
I got to do six and seven.

642
00:22:31,010 --> 00:22:32,850
Six is a lot about a willingness.

643
00:22:32,850 --> 00:22:34,530
Seven is a lot about humility.

644
00:22:34,530 --> 00:22:36,370
Now I got to write this eight step list.

645
00:22:36,370 --> 00:22:40,210
And what Michael wants me to do is, because he doesn't trust me, to list the proposed

646
00:22:40,210 --> 00:22:40,770
amends.

647
00:22:40,770 --> 00:22:41,650
So I get this done.

648
00:22:41,650 --> 00:22:42,850
It takes me a few weeks.

649
00:22:42,850 --> 00:22:45,810
I show up at his house and he says, okay, let me see the list.

650
00:22:45,810 --> 00:22:46,930
He's like, he's looking at the list.

651
00:22:46,930 --> 00:22:48,850
He goes, uh, your father's not on the list.

652
00:22:48,850 --> 00:22:49,730
I'm like, yeah, that's right.

653
00:22:49,730 --> 00:22:51,330
I mean, I just told you a couple of weeks ago.

654
00:22:51,330 --> 00:22:52,050
It's not going to happen.

655
00:22:52,050 --> 00:22:54,210
He goes, well, do you think you're any better than your father?

656
00:22:54,210 --> 00:22:55,090
I said, no, Michael.

657
00:22:55,090 --> 00:22:56,450
And thanks for pointing that out to me.

658
00:22:56,450 --> 00:22:57,490
I really appreciate that.

659
00:22:57,490 --> 00:23:00,050
And he goes, you know, a lot of times at the end of the meeting, we say this thing called

660
00:23:00,050 --> 00:23:00,770
the Lord's Prayer.

661
00:23:00,770 --> 00:23:04,530
There's a, there's a phrase in the Lord's Prayer goes like this, forgive us our trespasses

662
00:23:04,530 --> 00:23:06,610
as we forgive those who trespass against us.

663
00:23:06,610 --> 00:23:07,650
What do you think that means?

664
00:23:07,650 --> 00:23:08,930
I think it's a damn trick question.

665
00:23:08,930 --> 00:23:11,090
That's, you know, cause it's a spiritual truth.

666
00:23:11,090 --> 00:23:14,210
It's a maximum only forgiven to the extent that I forgive.

667
00:23:14,210 --> 00:23:18,930
And the 11th step prayer on page 99 and the 12 and 12, it talks about it is through forgiving

668
00:23:18,930 --> 00:23:19,570
that we're forgiven.

669
00:23:19,570 --> 00:23:21,250
I, you know, I can agree with all that.

670
00:23:21,250 --> 00:23:22,290
He's like, well, can you do it?

671
00:23:22,290 --> 00:23:23,970
I'm like, hell no, I'm not doing no way.

672
00:23:23,970 --> 00:23:26,210
He goes, well, the eighth step is a lot about willingness too.

673
00:23:26,210 --> 00:23:28,210
Are you willing to pray for the willingness?

674
00:23:28,210 --> 00:23:29,090
He says, yeah.

675
00:23:29,090 --> 00:23:29,650
Okay.

676
00:23:29,650 --> 00:23:30,050
Whatever.

677
00:23:30,050 --> 00:23:31,650
He goes, okay, you pray, I'll pray.

678
00:23:31,650 --> 00:23:33,170
But meantime, start making amends.

679
00:23:33,170 --> 00:23:34,610
So I start paying back some of the money.

680
00:23:34,610 --> 00:23:35,570
I'm acting better at work.

681
00:23:35,570 --> 00:23:38,050
I'm trying to make, uh, you know, uh, prompt demands.

682
00:23:38,050 --> 00:23:41,890
And by the way, when I was new prompt was like two or three weeks, that timeframe compresses

683
00:23:41,890 --> 00:23:42,770
as you get more time.

684
00:23:42,770 --> 00:23:43,810
I make amends to my wife.

685
00:23:43,810 --> 00:23:44,850
I'm back in the big bed.

686
00:23:44,850 --> 00:23:47,970
I don't quite have the crossover privileges that I think I deserve, but you know, things

687
00:23:47,970 --> 00:23:49,570
are, things are going better, right?

688
00:23:49,570 --> 00:23:51,410
I'm doing an active 10 step.

689
00:23:51,410 --> 00:23:53,570
Uh, I'm, I'm working on the 11th step.

690
00:23:53,570 --> 00:23:56,850
I'm trying to pray and meditate and get into this contact with this thing that I don't

691
00:23:56,850 --> 00:23:57,890
really understand.

692
00:23:57,890 --> 00:24:01,890
And, uh, uh, in 12, I'm trying to practice the principles and all my affairs and I'm

693
00:24:01,890 --> 00:24:02,530
carrying the message.

694
00:24:02,530 --> 00:24:03,730
I got guys that are coming to me.

695
00:24:03,730 --> 00:24:07,250
I'm, I'm taking them through the steps or they're getting cakes or get, but I'm not

696
00:24:07,250 --> 00:24:08,210
making amends to my father.

697
00:24:08,210 --> 00:24:08,610
Not happening.

698
00:24:08,610 --> 00:24:10,290
This goes on for a few years.

699
00:24:10,290 --> 00:24:14,450
And, uh, I talked to my sponsor all the time and I, and I told him, I said, Michael, I'm,

700
00:24:14,450 --> 00:24:16,130
I'm, I'm not going to make it to the Monday night.

701
00:24:16,130 --> 00:24:16,850
My home group is there.

702
00:24:16,850 --> 00:24:17,810
Most of each men's tag.

703
00:24:17,810 --> 00:24:20,690
I won't be there this, this week because I'm going up to Anchorage, Alaska.

704
00:24:20,690 --> 00:24:21,810
I'm doing some depositions.

705
00:24:21,810 --> 00:24:23,890
I'm just letting him know what's going on, right?

706
00:24:23,890 --> 00:24:26,770
He lights up like a Christmas tree goes, oh, that's great.

707
00:24:26,770 --> 00:24:28,130
You'll make amends to your father.

708
00:24:28,130 --> 00:24:32,850
I had forgotten that I told him my father lived in Wasilla, Alaska, which is like 30

709
00:24:32,850 --> 00:24:34,210
miles outside of Anchorage.

710
00:24:34,210 --> 00:24:37,650
So now I can see that my sponsor's connecting two unrelated dots.

711
00:24:37,650 --> 00:24:39,090
So I'm, I'm like waving them off.

712
00:24:39,090 --> 00:24:39,970
I'm like, no, no, no, no, no.

713
00:24:39,970 --> 00:24:41,090
I'm just going to do deposition.

714
00:24:41,090 --> 00:24:42,130
It has nothing to do with my father.

715
00:24:42,130 --> 00:24:42,930
He goes, no, no, no, no.

716
00:24:42,930 --> 00:24:43,570
You've been praying.

717
00:24:43,570 --> 00:24:44,210
I've been praying.

718
00:24:44,210 --> 00:24:45,010
God's talking.

719
00:24:45,010 --> 00:24:45,730
Can't you hear him?

720
00:24:45,730 --> 00:24:49,330
I'm like, no, no, I'm not, I'm not, I don't, I don't get the memo at all.

721
00:24:49,330 --> 00:24:52,450
He goes, look, you get quiet every morning, praying, meditate, talk to God.

722
00:24:52,450 --> 00:24:55,010
So I go through this process every three, four, five days.

723
00:24:55,010 --> 00:24:56,850
What comes to me is I should do this.

724
00:24:56,850 --> 00:24:57,250
I should.

725
00:24:57,250 --> 00:24:57,490
Okay.

726
00:24:57,490 --> 00:24:58,290
So I go to Michael.

727
00:24:58,290 --> 00:24:59,890
I said, all right, I'll do it.

728
00:24:59,890 --> 00:25:00,610
What do I do?

729
00:25:00,610 --> 00:25:01,170
He looks at me.

730
00:25:01,170 --> 00:25:02,130
He goes, I don't know.

731
00:25:02,130 --> 00:25:02,850
I'm not going up there.

732
00:25:02,850 --> 00:25:03,410
Talk to God.

733
00:25:03,410 --> 00:25:06,450
I'm like, I know you're killing me.

734
00:25:06,450 --> 00:25:06,850
Right.

735
00:25:06,850 --> 00:25:08,210
And so I call my father.

736
00:25:08,210 --> 00:25:09,090
He says, he'll see me.

737
00:25:09,090 --> 00:25:10,130
I fly up there.

738
00:25:10,130 --> 00:25:12,050
I don't know what I'm going to do, but I have this feeling.

739
00:25:12,050 --> 00:25:12,850
It'll be okay.

740
00:25:12,850 --> 00:25:14,050
I walked through the airport.

741
00:25:14,050 --> 00:25:14,930
I go through the terminal.

742
00:25:14,930 --> 00:25:15,570
I see my father.

743
00:25:15,570 --> 00:25:16,610
He's older than I remember.

744
00:25:22,450 --> 00:25:25,010
You know, and I, and I, and I get up to him.

745
00:25:25,010 --> 00:25:28,610
And one of the things that I, I hate it when I first got here, there was a lot of handholding,

746
00:25:28,610 --> 00:25:29,410
hug, hug crap.

747
00:25:29,410 --> 00:25:34,610
And by the way, it was for where I live, where I go to meetings, it was never the supermodels.

748
00:25:34,610 --> 00:25:37,490
It was always the biker dudes with three days worth of stubble.

749
00:25:37,490 --> 00:25:38,050
Come here, man.

750
00:25:38,050 --> 00:25:38,610
I love you, man.

751
00:25:38,610 --> 00:25:39,330
I'm like, no, I'm good.

752
00:25:39,330 --> 00:25:39,730
I'm good.

753
00:25:39,730 --> 00:25:40,050
Really?

754
00:25:40,050 --> 00:25:41,010
No, I'm okay.

755
00:25:41,010 --> 00:25:41,810
You know?

756
00:25:41,810 --> 00:25:46,130
And I didn't like that physical contact for a long time because I didn't understand it.

757
00:25:46,130 --> 00:25:47,090
It made me nervous.

758
00:25:47,090 --> 00:25:51,330
But when I got up with my father, I just grabbed him and I hugged him and he buried his head

759
00:25:51,330 --> 00:25:54,610
in my shoulder and he cried and I cried and forgiveness occurred.

760
00:25:54,610 --> 00:25:56,770
And all I had to do was show up and get out of the way.

761
00:25:56,770 --> 00:25:59,250
And if it doesn't make any sense to you, it's just because you haven't gone through the

762
00:25:59,250 --> 00:25:59,970
process yet.

763
00:25:59,970 --> 00:26:01,410
None of this stuff makes sense.

764
00:26:01,410 --> 00:26:02,050
Looking forward.

765
00:26:02,050 --> 00:26:03,170
It's always looking back.

766
00:26:03,170 --> 00:26:07,250
You know, we pray for guidance and direction and, and I'm sure that there's maybe people

767
00:26:07,250 --> 00:26:08,690
in here have had God talk to him.

768
00:26:08,690 --> 00:26:11,650
I mean, I'm sure it happens, but that's not usually what happens.

769
00:26:11,650 --> 00:26:13,730
What happens is we talk about a spiritual awakening.

770
00:26:13,730 --> 00:26:14,530
We stay awake.

771
00:26:14,530 --> 00:26:15,250
We stay alert.

772
00:26:15,250 --> 00:26:16,290
We're at a meeting.

773
00:26:16,290 --> 00:26:17,730
There's somebody that's talking.

774
00:26:17,730 --> 00:26:18,690
I don't even like this guy.

775
00:26:18,690 --> 00:26:20,210
He says the same damn thing every time.

776
00:26:20,210 --> 00:26:20,610
I know that.

777
00:26:20,610 --> 00:26:24,850
But if I pay attention, maybe the answer to my problem will be in what he says.

778
00:26:24,850 --> 00:26:29,330
Or I'm at the grocery store and there's two kids arguing by the candy counter and mom

779
00:26:29,330 --> 00:26:31,970
is telling them something and I got to pay attention.

780
00:26:31,970 --> 00:26:34,770
I got to pay attention right here, right now.

781
00:26:34,770 --> 00:26:35,810
That's what it's all about.

782
00:26:35,810 --> 00:26:39,090
When we talk about a day at a time, we don't mean just a physical day.

783
00:26:39,090 --> 00:26:42,290
We talk about being right here, right now and aware.

784
00:26:42,290 --> 00:26:45,490
And one of the things that happens when you're new is after you go through this process,

785
00:26:45,490 --> 00:26:46,290
you'll have this talk.

786
00:26:46,290 --> 00:26:50,290
I'm afraid where you'll go outside and you'll realize, oh my God, the sun is shining.

787
00:26:50,290 --> 00:26:51,170
I see the clouds.

788
00:26:51,170 --> 00:26:52,530
I smell the air.

789
00:26:52,530 --> 00:26:53,570
I remember I was driving.

790
00:26:53,570 --> 00:26:54,450
I live by the ocean.

791
00:26:54,450 --> 00:26:56,370
I drove by the ocean and it dawned on me.

792
00:26:56,370 --> 00:26:58,450
People come here and go to vacation.

793
00:26:58,450 --> 00:27:02,610
Who knew I've been here for over a decade because I don't see it.

794
00:27:02,610 --> 00:27:03,570
I don't see it.

795
00:27:03,570 --> 00:27:05,490
My perception is off.

796
00:27:05,490 --> 00:27:08,370
And so we go through this process and healing occurs.

797
00:27:08,370 --> 00:27:10,850
I go back and things get better with a wife.

798
00:27:10,850 --> 00:27:11,330
Who knew?

799
00:27:11,330 --> 00:27:15,650
Who knew there's a relationship with all this stuff that we cannot see until we're looking

800
00:27:15,650 --> 00:27:17,570
back and I'm going through this process.

801
00:27:17,570 --> 00:27:22,050
And I got to tell you, just so you understand the nature of it.

802
00:27:22,050 --> 00:27:25,410
And so that there's no misconception about my level of spirituality.

803
00:27:25,410 --> 00:27:28,290
I'm going to tell you about the huge resentment I had against my wife.

804
00:27:28,290 --> 00:27:31,970
And now you're going to sit there and think this is stupid and shallow, but that's because

805
00:27:31,970 --> 00:27:33,250
it didn't happen to you.

806
00:27:33,250 --> 00:27:33,570
Okay.

807
00:27:34,290 --> 00:27:37,170
What happened to me is I got two or three years sober, right?

808
00:27:37,170 --> 00:27:38,370
And I'm a man of God.

809
00:27:38,370 --> 00:27:43,490
I got, I'm taking guys through the steps and my wife does not appreciate all the hard work

810
00:27:43,490 --> 00:27:44,770
that I've done for us.

811
00:27:44,770 --> 00:27:45,330
She doesn't.

812
00:27:45,330 --> 00:27:48,930
And I know this because what she does is she takes the trash and recycling every night

813
00:27:48,930 --> 00:27:50,210
and she puts it on the stoop.

814
00:27:50,210 --> 00:27:55,170
So yeah, I'm big and I'm in the big bed, but I'm clearly not restored to full husband status.

815
00:27:55,170 --> 00:27:56,370
And I am pissed.

816
00:27:56,370 --> 00:27:57,650
I take the trash recycling.

817
00:27:57,650 --> 00:27:58,210
I put it in there.

818
00:27:58,210 --> 00:27:59,010
I write inventory.

819
00:27:59,010 --> 00:28:00,370
I talked to Michael about it.

820
00:28:00,370 --> 00:28:03,250
I'm reading in the inventory and he, he stops and he goes, look, wait a minute.

821
00:28:03,250 --> 00:28:04,850
Have you talked to your wife about this?

822
00:28:04,850 --> 00:28:05,890
I'm like, well, no, I haven't.

823
00:28:05,890 --> 00:28:07,810
He goes, well, don't you think maybe you should talk to her?

824
00:28:07,810 --> 00:28:09,490
You might, you might have a misperception here.

825
00:28:09,490 --> 00:28:10,130
And I looked at him.

826
00:28:10,130 --> 00:28:14,210
I said, look, I've been married now for 35 years, a little time off for bad behavior,

827
00:28:14,210 --> 00:28:15,810
but we're not going to go into that tonight.

828
00:28:15,810 --> 00:28:18,210
And, uh, at the time had been over a decade.

829
00:28:18,210 --> 00:28:21,490
And I told Michael with a straight face, I said, Michael, I've been married for over

830
00:28:21,490 --> 00:28:21,810
a decade.

831
00:28:21,810 --> 00:28:23,970
I know what my wife's thinking before she even thinks it.

832
00:28:23,970 --> 00:28:24,770
He goes, really?

833
00:28:24,770 --> 00:28:25,890
We call that mind reading.

834
00:28:25,890 --> 00:28:29,330
It's a rather significant character defect, but if you're not willing to accept that and

835
00:28:29,330 --> 00:28:31,890
look at that, then you're going to have to talk to God because you need to be getting

836
00:28:31,890 --> 00:28:32,850
rid of this resentment.

837
00:28:32,850 --> 00:28:33,890
You need to pray and meditate.

838
00:28:33,890 --> 00:28:35,410
So I'm praying and meditating.

839
00:28:35,410 --> 00:28:36,370
I'm asking for direction.

840
00:28:36,370 --> 00:28:37,090
I'm picking up trash.

841
00:28:37,090 --> 00:28:38,290
I'm just pissed.

842
00:28:38,290 --> 00:28:43,730
And what comes to me after a few months is patience, tolerance, love, and understanding.

843
00:28:43,730 --> 00:28:45,330
It's all over the big book.

844
00:28:45,330 --> 00:28:49,250
People are talking about it in the meetings, but I can't hear it for a number of months.

845
00:28:49,250 --> 00:28:52,050
This is one of the weird dynamics about Alcoholics Anonymous.

846
00:28:52,050 --> 00:28:56,290
One of the things I've realized is I can be working with a guy and telling him about amends

847
00:28:56,290 --> 00:29:00,050
or prayer or inventory or whatever it is for months.

848
00:29:00,050 --> 00:29:00,690
He won't do it.

849
00:29:00,690 --> 00:29:01,570
He won't do it.

850
00:29:01,570 --> 00:29:05,250
And then we'll go to a meeting like tonight and some chucklehead like me will get up there

851
00:29:05,250 --> 00:29:05,890
and talk about it.

852
00:29:05,890 --> 00:29:10,050
We'll go out for pie or coffee and he'll go, you know, I heard that guy talking about,

853
00:29:10,050 --> 00:29:11,170
I think I'm going to try that.

854
00:29:11,170 --> 00:29:14,050
I'm thinking, oh man, I've been talking about this for six months.

855
00:29:14,850 --> 00:29:16,050
Why does it happen that way?

856
00:29:16,050 --> 00:29:16,930
I have no idea.

857
00:29:16,930 --> 00:29:17,890
But it does.

858
00:29:17,890 --> 00:29:18,370
It does.

859
00:29:18,370 --> 00:29:19,970
We only hear it when we hear it.

860
00:29:19,970 --> 00:29:24,770
That's why we repeat chapter five almost every meeting you go to because we're a little dense.

861
00:29:24,770 --> 00:29:25,570
I'm not judging you.

862
00:29:25,570 --> 00:29:26,610
I'm talking about me.

863
00:29:26,610 --> 00:29:30,210
So, you know, I pray for patience, tolerance, love, and understanding, and I get it.

864
00:29:30,210 --> 00:29:30,610
I got it.

865
00:29:30,610 --> 00:29:31,810
I got the trash recycling.

866
00:29:31,810 --> 00:29:32,130
I'm good.

867
00:29:32,130 --> 00:29:33,330
I'm not writing inventory anymore.

868
00:29:33,330 --> 00:29:34,850
I twitch every once in a while, but I'm good.

869
00:29:34,850 --> 00:29:35,170
I'm good.

870
00:29:35,170 --> 00:29:35,570
I'm good.

871
00:29:35,570 --> 00:29:39,090
And by the way, because I'm such a spiritual giant, I'm telling all the guys that I sponsor

872
00:29:39,090 --> 00:29:44,290
what great work I've done working through this resentment because I want them to appreciate

873
00:29:44,290 --> 00:29:47,090
the value of Alcoholics Anonymous, right?

874
00:29:47,090 --> 00:29:48,530
This goes on for seven or eight years.

875
00:29:48,530 --> 00:29:50,690
We get a dog, Zoe, golden retriever.

876
00:29:50,690 --> 00:29:54,210
She just passed away a little while ago, but this dog was a great dog and I would take

877
00:29:54,210 --> 00:29:56,370
her for a walk in the morning and she'd poop.

878
00:29:56,370 --> 00:29:57,090
I'd put it in a bag.

879
00:29:57,090 --> 00:29:58,210
I would throw it in the trash.

880
00:29:58,210 --> 00:30:02,690
But on nights like tonight, she'd go in the backyard, she would poop and my wife would

881
00:30:02,690 --> 00:30:03,170
put it in a bag.

882
00:30:03,170 --> 00:30:05,570
But would she put it in the trash?

883
00:30:05,570 --> 00:30:05,890
No.

884
00:30:05,890 --> 00:30:08,130
She'd put it with the trash and recycling on the stoop.

885
00:30:08,130 --> 00:30:09,970
So I'm a man of God, but now I got dog crap.

886
00:30:09,970 --> 00:30:10,930
I got dog crap, Michael.

887
00:30:10,930 --> 00:30:11,570
I got dog crap.

888
00:30:11,570 --> 00:30:12,930
She's putting dog crap on the stoop.

889
00:30:12,930 --> 00:30:13,970
I know what this means.

890
00:30:13,970 --> 00:30:15,170
Have you talked to her about it?

891
00:30:15,170 --> 00:30:16,770
No, I have not talked to her about it.

892
00:30:16,770 --> 00:30:17,890
Well, you're going to have to talk to God.

893
00:30:17,890 --> 00:30:18,610
You're going to have to pray.

894
00:30:19,170 --> 00:30:19,970
And I pray.

895
00:30:19,970 --> 00:30:20,450
Same thing.

896
00:30:20,450 --> 00:30:22,130
Patience, tolerance, love, and I pray for it.

897
00:30:22,130 --> 00:30:22,770
I got it.

898
00:30:22,770 --> 00:30:23,010
Good.

899
00:30:23,010 --> 00:30:23,810
I'm a man of God.

900
00:30:23,810 --> 00:30:24,130
I got it.

901
00:30:24,130 --> 00:30:24,850
No problem.

902
00:30:24,850 --> 00:30:28,370
And I'm telling all the guys what great work I've done working through this resentment.

903
00:30:28,370 --> 00:30:30,210
This goes on for another seven or eight years.

904
00:30:30,210 --> 00:30:33,410
Several years ago, I go out the front door instead of the side door.

905
00:30:33,410 --> 00:30:34,930
The side door is where the stoop is.

906
00:30:34,930 --> 00:30:35,650
I go out the front door.

907
00:30:35,650 --> 00:30:37,330
I do not get the trash recycling and poop.

908
00:30:37,330 --> 00:30:37,890
I go to work.

909
00:30:37,890 --> 00:30:38,530
It's a Monday.

910
00:30:38,530 --> 00:30:41,170
My home group meets at Hermosa Beach, 830 to 10.

911
00:30:41,170 --> 00:30:41,730
I get to work.

912
00:30:41,730 --> 00:30:43,650
I realize I did not get the trash recycling.

913
00:30:43,650 --> 00:30:44,370
It's my job.

914
00:30:44,370 --> 00:30:45,170
I feel guilty.

915
00:30:45,170 --> 00:30:47,650
And I know I got to make amends before I go to the meeting.

916
00:30:47,650 --> 00:30:48,450
So I go home.

917
00:30:48,450 --> 00:30:50,450
I'm having dinner with the wife and the girls.

918
00:30:50,450 --> 00:30:50,930
I wait.

919
00:30:50,930 --> 00:30:51,410
I say, Lynn.

920
00:30:51,410 --> 00:30:52,290
My wife's name is Lynn.

921
00:30:52,290 --> 00:30:55,810
Lynn, you probably noticed I did not get the trash recycling and poop this morning.

922
00:30:55,810 --> 00:30:57,730
I went out the front door instead of the side door.

923
00:30:57,730 --> 00:30:58,770
I know it's my job.

924
00:30:58,770 --> 00:30:59,490
I apologize.

925
00:30:59,490 --> 00:31:00,370
I'll do better next time.

926
00:31:00,370 --> 00:31:00,930
She's like, what?

927
00:31:00,930 --> 00:31:01,970
So I'm a man of God.

928
00:31:01,970 --> 00:31:05,250
But you know, this is, you know, I want to get credit for this crap, right?

929
00:31:05,250 --> 00:31:07,330
And so I like, but I've been taught to pause when agitated.

930
00:31:07,330 --> 00:31:08,370
So I slowed down a little bit.

931
00:31:08,370 --> 00:31:11,650
I said, baby, you know, the trash recycling and poop, you know, it's my job.

932
00:31:11,650 --> 00:31:15,650
I've been doing it for over a decade and I forgot.

933
00:31:15,650 --> 00:31:16,610
I didn't get it this morning.

934
00:31:16,610 --> 00:31:17,330
I apologize.

935
00:31:17,330 --> 00:31:18,050
I'll do better.

936
00:31:18,050 --> 00:31:19,170
She's like, what are you talking about?

937
00:31:19,170 --> 00:31:21,010
So now my head's like a rotisserie, right?

938
00:31:21,010 --> 00:31:23,090
I'm just like, this is unbelievable.

939
00:31:23,090 --> 00:31:25,330
So I slow down and I talk to her real slow.

940
00:31:25,330 --> 00:31:28,370
And by the way, little hint guys, they love it when you talk to them real slow.

941
00:31:28,370 --> 00:31:30,370
That just really impresses them, you know?

942
00:31:30,370 --> 00:31:33,410
So I go through the whole thing again, real slow.

943
00:31:33,410 --> 00:31:34,370
And she looks at me.

944
00:31:34,370 --> 00:31:37,010
She gives me that look like you've been drinking, you know?

945
00:31:37,010 --> 00:31:41,970
And she says, she says, Steve, you know, we, we got, uh, we got raccoons and possums out

946
00:31:41,970 --> 00:31:43,410
by the trash and recycling.

947
00:31:43,410 --> 00:31:45,730
We've even had coyotes that have come down from Palos Verdes.

948
00:31:45,730 --> 00:31:47,570
They've taken some of the small dogs and cats.

949
00:31:47,570 --> 00:31:47,730
And.

950
00:31:47,730 --> 00:31:49,010
It's kind of creepy out there at night.

951
00:31:49,010 --> 00:31:50,130
I don't go out there at night.

952
00:31:50,130 --> 00:31:51,410
Cause it makes me nervous.

953
00:31:51,410 --> 00:31:54,290
So I put the trash recycling and poop on the stoop every night.

954
00:31:54,290 --> 00:31:57,250
I figure I'll get it in the morning or the girls will get it or you'll get it, but I

955
00:31:57,250 --> 00:31:59,010
don't, I don't leave it there for you.

956
00:32:00,210 --> 00:32:04,770
So now I realize I've had this resentment that I've worked at for, I don't know, 15,

957
00:32:04,770 --> 00:32:05,810
16, 17 years.

958
00:32:05,810 --> 00:32:07,890
It has no basis in fact whatsoever.

959
00:32:08,560 --> 00:32:10,560
So I look at my wife cause I'm a spiritual giant.

960
00:32:10,560 --> 00:32:11,440
I go, love you, babe.

961
00:32:11,440 --> 00:32:11,920
I gotta go.

962
00:32:11,920 --> 00:32:13,680
Cause I can't talk to her about this, right?

963
00:32:13,680 --> 00:32:16,720
I'm going to go to the home group cause they'll, they'll have sympathy, right?

964
00:32:16,720 --> 00:32:17,680
So I go to the home group.

965
00:32:17,680 --> 00:32:19,600
I'm talking to Bill C, my sponsor, Michael.

966
00:32:19,600 --> 00:32:21,760
I tell them they think it's hilarious.

967
00:32:21,760 --> 00:32:23,040
They take me around.

968
00:32:23,040 --> 00:32:25,360
They, they want, Hey, all the, all the new guys.

969
00:32:25,360 --> 00:32:26,480
Hey lamb, tell them what you did.

970
00:32:26,480 --> 00:32:29,120
Tell them what 17 years of sobriety looks like.

971
00:32:29,120 --> 00:32:29,520
No, no, no.

972
00:32:29,520 --> 00:32:30,640
Don't leave out that detail.

973
00:32:30,640 --> 00:32:31,360
Tell them everything.

974
00:32:31,360 --> 00:32:32,240
Tell them what you did.

975
00:32:32,240 --> 00:32:33,680
And I'm thinking, oh my God.

976
00:32:33,680 --> 00:32:34,800
And Michael's laughing at me.

977
00:32:34,800 --> 00:32:36,000
He goes, lamb.

978
00:32:36,000 --> 00:32:37,440
That's why we call it a delusion.

979
00:32:37,440 --> 00:32:38,400
And he had told, I forgot.

980
00:32:38,400 --> 00:32:41,040
He told me a long time ago that a lot of times you hear people get up at

981
00:32:41,040 --> 00:32:42,640
podiums like this and talk about denial.

982
00:32:42,640 --> 00:32:45,600
And it's not that alcoholics don't suffer from denial, but you're not going to find

983
00:32:45,600 --> 00:32:49,600
that word in the big book or in the 12 and 12, uh, certainly not in the first 164 pages.

984
00:32:49,600 --> 00:32:53,440
There's, there's now a story in the fourth edition called crossing the river denial,

985
00:32:53,440 --> 00:32:56,160
but denial is really a treatment center or rehab term.

986
00:32:56,160 --> 00:33:00,000
Uh, what it means is I know the truth, but I like the lie.

987
00:33:00,000 --> 00:33:01,520
And I'm trying to convince you the lie.

988
00:33:01,520 --> 00:33:03,280
You may or may not know the lie.

989
00:33:03,280 --> 00:33:05,920
Delusion is you all know the truth.

990
00:33:05,920 --> 00:33:06,800
I didn't get the memo.

991
00:33:06,800 --> 00:33:07,520
I don't know.

992
00:33:07,520 --> 00:33:08,640
I think it's real.

993
00:33:08,640 --> 00:33:10,000
You know, I'm full of crap.

994
00:33:10,000 --> 00:33:11,280
It's much more insidious.

995
00:33:11,280 --> 00:33:12,560
It's much more dangerous.

996
00:33:12,560 --> 00:33:13,280
Then denial.

997
00:33:13,280 --> 00:33:17,040
And so he's laughing at me and he, and he goes, well, there's good news and bad news.

998
00:33:17,040 --> 00:33:18,720
I'm like, well, what's the bad news?

999
00:33:18,720 --> 00:33:20,320
He goes, well, the bad news is it never ends.

1000
00:33:20,320 --> 00:33:21,600
I'm like, okay, well, what's the good news?

1001
00:33:21,600 --> 00:33:23,760
Well, the good news is this is Alcoholics Anonymous.

1002
00:33:23,760 --> 00:33:27,280
There's not always, there's always something to do and there's somebody to do it with.

1003
00:33:27,280 --> 00:33:29,360
And if you're new, I hope you find that person tonight.

1004
00:33:29,360 --> 00:33:33,920
Cause I gotta tell you, I like to think of Alcoholics Anonymous as God's amusement park.

1005
00:33:33,920 --> 00:33:35,280
Bear with me for this.

1006
00:33:35,280 --> 00:33:35,920
Okay.

1007
00:33:35,920 --> 00:33:36,960
You're in the amusement park.

1008
00:33:36,960 --> 00:33:38,160
You've paid the price of admission.

1009
00:33:38,160 --> 00:33:39,600
It's a really steep price.

1010
00:33:39,600 --> 00:33:42,240
Nobody asked you if you wanted to pay.

1011
00:33:42,240 --> 00:33:43,680
You've got alcoholism.

1012
00:33:43,680 --> 00:33:46,640
So alcoholism reached up into your soul and you paid the price.

1013
00:33:46,640 --> 00:33:51,200
Now you can, you can leave the park anytime you want to, but there's no in and out privileges.

1014
00:33:51,200 --> 00:33:52,960
You'll have to pay another admission price.

1015
00:33:52,960 --> 00:33:54,000
And it may be too steep.

1016
00:33:54,000 --> 00:33:56,880
You may not be able to make it back in, but once you're in the park, you can do whatever

1017
00:33:56,880 --> 00:33:57,280
you want.

1018
00:33:57,280 --> 00:33:58,240
You can hang around.

1019
00:33:58,240 --> 00:33:59,200
You can walk through the park.

1020
00:33:59,200 --> 00:34:01,120
You can go to meetings like this in the park.

1021
00:34:01,120 --> 00:34:05,600
But you'll notice that there's in the park, there's, there's these 12 rides.

1022
00:34:05,600 --> 00:34:07,120
We call them the steps.

1023
00:34:07,120 --> 00:34:09,360
And there's, there's, there's men and women that are standing by.

1024
00:34:09,360 --> 00:34:11,600
These rides and they're like, come on, come on, take the ride.

1025
00:34:11,600 --> 00:34:12,880
You don't have to take the ride.

1026
00:34:12,880 --> 00:34:14,240
It's just a suggestion.

1027
00:34:14,240 --> 00:34:17,200
But if you take the ride with one of these men or women, they'll tell you when to throw

1028
00:34:17,200 --> 00:34:19,760
your hands up in the air and laugh and yell and holler.

1029
00:34:19,760 --> 00:34:23,600
And they'll also tell you when to duck and cover because you'll need to do that in both

1030
00:34:23,600 --> 00:34:25,200
instances when you take the steps.

1031
00:34:25,200 --> 00:34:28,640
And if you go through that process and you go through all those 12 rides, what you're

1032
00:34:28,640 --> 00:34:31,360
going to find is that what you're going to want to do is you're going to want to stay

1033
00:34:31,360 --> 00:34:34,720
in the park and you're going to hang out by the rides and you're going to want to encourage

1034
00:34:34,720 --> 00:34:36,240
other people to take the rides.

1035
00:34:36,240 --> 00:34:38,480
And if you're new, I really hope you take the ride.

1036
00:34:38,480 --> 00:34:39,120
Thanks for having me.