1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,960 I would like to introduce our main speaker, Annie A. 2 00:00:02,960 --> 00:00:03,960 Thank you. 3 00:00:03,960 --> 00:00:05,790 Annie, alcoholic. 4 00:00:05,790 --> 00:00:08,530 I don't ever need a microphone. 5 00:00:08,530 --> 00:00:14,210 I'd like to thank Alex for asking me to speak and Mariana for suggesting him that he asked 6 00:00:14,210 --> 00:00:15,930 me to speak. 7 00:00:15,930 --> 00:00:18,530 You guys are a really nice bunch. 8 00:00:18,530 --> 00:00:21,090 Jerry and Bridget, did I get your names right? 9 00:00:21,090 --> 00:00:22,090 You guys were awesome. 10 00:00:22,090 --> 00:00:25,830 I'm like, oh yeah, y'all are going to be disappointed and I'm the main act. 11 00:00:25,830 --> 00:00:29,910 Anyways, it's an honor and a privilege to speak at an AA meeting and to participate 12 00:00:29,910 --> 00:00:31,930 in my own sobriety. 13 00:00:31,930 --> 00:00:34,970 I hope that what I have to say helps somebody. 14 00:00:34,970 --> 00:00:35,970 It's my story. 15 00:00:35,970 --> 00:00:40,090 It hasn't changed and the whole time I've been sober, so here it goes. 16 00:00:40,090 --> 00:00:43,510 My sobriety date is February 19th, 1991. 17 00:00:43,510 --> 00:00:50,030 I have a sponsor, Jane W. I'm coming up on 29 years. 18 00:00:50,030 --> 00:00:51,430 Alcohol stopped working for me. 19 00:00:51,430 --> 00:00:54,470 If it still worked for me, there'd be another speaker up here tonight. 20 00:00:54,470 --> 00:00:57,290 I was born and raised in Santa Monica, California. 21 00:00:57,290 --> 00:00:59,650 When I grew up in Santa Monica, it wasn't this shishy place. 22 00:00:59,650 --> 00:01:00,650 It is now. 23 00:01:00,650 --> 00:01:04,150 It was just this quiet, little, small town because people hear, oh, you're from Santa 24 00:01:04,150 --> 00:01:05,150 Monica. 25 00:01:05,150 --> 00:01:06,150 It's like, yeah, no, no. 26 00:01:06,150 --> 00:01:07,150 It wasn't me. 27 00:01:07,150 --> 00:01:09,750 I had, I guess, a pretty normal childhood. 28 00:01:09,750 --> 00:01:11,710 I had two parents. 29 00:01:11,710 --> 00:01:13,450 I was loved. 30 00:01:13,450 --> 00:01:18,330 When I was three, my mother had a massive stroke and she was in the hospital for, I 31 00:01:18,330 --> 00:01:19,330 don't know, a couple of years. 32 00:01:19,330 --> 00:01:20,330 I was three. 33 00:01:20,330 --> 00:01:21,330 I don't really remember a lot. 34 00:01:21,330 --> 00:01:26,290 I have like little blips of what my mother was, like little memories of my mother before 35 00:01:26,290 --> 00:01:27,710 she came out of the hospital. 36 00:01:27,710 --> 00:01:28,730 But when she did, she walked out of the hospital. 37 00:01:28,730 --> 00:01:29,450 She was in the hospital. 38 00:01:29,450 --> 00:01:29,490 She was in the hospital. 39 00:01:29,490 --> 00:01:29,530 She was in the hospital. 40 00:01:29,530 --> 00:01:30,530 She walked with a cane. 41 00:01:30,530 --> 00:01:33,270 She had no peripheral vision, so she couldn't drive. 42 00:01:33,270 --> 00:01:35,770 And she was different, so I felt different. 43 00:01:35,770 --> 00:01:37,350 You know, I didn't have a normal mother. 44 00:01:37,350 --> 00:01:39,490 That was my problem. 45 00:01:39,490 --> 00:01:45,530 I felt like everyone that shared at the podium, you guys all knew how to act and I didn't. 46 00:01:45,530 --> 00:01:46,850 You guys all had the instruction. 47 00:01:46,850 --> 00:01:48,350 You were comfortable in your own skin. 48 00:01:48,350 --> 00:01:49,530 I was not. 49 00:01:49,530 --> 00:01:53,690 Honestly, if my mother didn't have a stroke, I'd probably still be an alcoholic and I probably 50 00:01:53,690 --> 00:01:54,930 would have still felt different. 51 00:01:54,930 --> 00:01:58,030 It just would have been something different, but that's how I felt different. 52 00:01:58,030 --> 00:01:59,370 And she was a constant embarrassment. 53 00:01:59,370 --> 00:02:05,090 And I just felt all through school, everyone else had a normal life and I didn't. 54 00:02:05,090 --> 00:02:08,770 And I was very shy at school. 55 00:02:08,770 --> 00:02:13,370 Nobody who knows me nowadays believes I've ever was shy, but at home I was okay. 56 00:02:13,370 --> 00:02:15,690 I was comfortable around cousins or people I knew. 57 00:02:15,690 --> 00:02:19,470 But if I didn't know you and if I was at school, I was terrified to talk. 58 00:02:19,470 --> 00:02:20,550 I was terrified to read. 59 00:02:20,550 --> 00:02:24,630 I was terrified to answer questions, even if I knew the answers. 60 00:02:24,630 --> 00:02:29,170 If I was picked on or bullied, I'd never tell an adult or my parents. 61 00:02:29,170 --> 00:02:34,210 I don't know why, I just felt that there was something wrong with me and that I deserved 62 00:02:34,210 --> 00:02:35,210 it. 63 00:02:35,210 --> 00:02:39,750 I would have been great for a child molester, thank God I never was, but never, ever talked 64 00:02:39,750 --> 00:02:41,210 about feelings. 65 00:02:41,210 --> 00:02:46,930 I was raised, I was born in 1960, so I was raised when everything had to look good from 66 00:02:46,930 --> 00:02:47,930 the outside. 67 00:02:47,930 --> 00:02:51,870 As long as it looked good on the outside, y'all went to mass on Sunday, didn't matter 68 00:02:51,870 --> 00:02:54,570 how you acted during the week, but everything had to look good. 69 00:02:54,570 --> 00:02:56,330 So that's how I was raised. 70 00:02:56,330 --> 00:02:58,410 And I'm a nice Irish Catholic girl. 71 00:02:58,410 --> 00:02:58,930 I'm a Catholic. 72 00:02:59,170 --> 00:03:01,850 So drinking was normal in our family. 73 00:03:01,850 --> 00:03:06,330 Getting drunk was not normal in our family, but drinking was normal in our family. 74 00:03:06,330 --> 00:03:10,930 Every holiday when we had First Holy Communions and stuff, the big question was where to put 75 00:03:10,930 --> 00:03:14,270 the bar because that was going to be the most crowded room. 76 00:03:14,270 --> 00:03:17,750 My dad had two drinks every night before dinner. 77 00:03:17,750 --> 00:03:22,050 He used a jigger because he didn't want it to be too strong. 78 00:03:22,050 --> 00:03:24,730 When I got older, that didn't make any sense to me. 79 00:03:24,730 --> 00:03:27,290 My mother drank a lot. 80 00:03:27,290 --> 00:03:28,210 She was an embarrassment. 81 00:03:28,210 --> 00:03:34,890 She would get drunk and she would get sloppy, and I always was going to drink alcohol when 82 00:03:34,890 --> 00:03:37,930 I got older because it was hip, slick, and cool. 83 00:03:37,930 --> 00:03:43,090 When I grew up, there were the Thin Man movies and Auntie Mame and a lot of the movies from 84 00:03:43,090 --> 00:03:44,090 the 30s. 85 00:03:44,090 --> 00:03:46,690 People who are old like me are shaking their head, excuse me for calling you old. 86 00:03:46,690 --> 00:03:49,210 I've been told by my students I'm old. 87 00:03:49,210 --> 00:03:51,890 I'm turning 60 this year. 88 00:03:51,890 --> 00:03:55,530 I always watched movies, and there was a TV show called M.A.S.H. where they would play 89 00:03:55,530 --> 00:03:56,890 checkers with shots. 90 00:03:56,890 --> 00:03:58,010 I don't know. 91 00:03:58,010 --> 00:03:59,550 Drinking just looked really cool. 92 00:03:59,550 --> 00:04:01,830 Hangovers even looked cool. 93 00:04:01,830 --> 00:04:03,510 I couldn't wait to do it. 94 00:04:03,510 --> 00:04:07,370 My family would go out, and the adults would order their cocktails. 95 00:04:07,370 --> 00:04:09,190 We'd have Shirley Tentles. 96 00:04:09,190 --> 00:04:11,590 Moving right along, everyone talks about their first drink. 97 00:04:11,590 --> 00:04:15,530 I didn't have a first drink because we had sips of our parents' drink. 98 00:04:15,530 --> 00:04:19,450 I remember one Christmas Eve, we were allowed to have champagne. 99 00:04:19,450 --> 00:04:23,790 Every time we had parties, we'd have our own cocktails, and we'd pretend to smoke, and 100 00:04:23,790 --> 00:04:25,210 we were all very adult. 101 00:04:25,210 --> 00:04:27,890 I just couldn't wait to grow up so I could drink. 102 00:04:27,890 --> 00:04:32,630 When I was in high school, I remember the first drunk. 103 00:04:32,630 --> 00:04:34,530 I never felt popular. 104 00:04:34,530 --> 00:04:35,530 I never felt with it. 105 00:04:35,530 --> 00:04:36,530 I never felt like I belonged. 106 00:04:36,530 --> 00:04:38,470 I had friends in high school. 107 00:04:38,470 --> 00:04:39,710 I was with the cool crowd. 108 00:04:39,710 --> 00:04:42,730 I just never felt like I belonged, and I was just waiting. 109 00:04:42,730 --> 00:04:44,510 I was just never comfortable. 110 00:04:44,510 --> 00:04:46,070 I don't know what it was. 111 00:04:46,070 --> 00:04:53,860 Anyone that identifies with it, when I had my first drunk, I didn't care if I belonged. 112 00:04:53,860 --> 00:04:55,980 I just felt that relief. 113 00:04:55,980 --> 00:04:56,980 That relief. 114 00:04:56,980 --> 00:04:57,980 Yeah. 115 00:04:57,980 --> 00:04:58,980 That sigh of relief. 116 00:04:58,980 --> 00:05:04,780 I've heard it described as my shoulders finally relaxed. 117 00:05:04,780 --> 00:05:05,780 I felt cool. 118 00:05:05,780 --> 00:05:06,780 I had fun. 119 00:05:06,780 --> 00:05:07,780 I had something. 120 00:05:07,780 --> 00:05:08,780 I don't know. 121 00:05:08,780 --> 00:05:09,780 It was ale or something. 122 00:05:09,780 --> 00:05:13,980 It was like a really strong beer, but I had it at a party in high school. 123 00:05:13,980 --> 00:05:17,900 I don't remember a lot about that party, but I remember the next day, everyone was talking 124 00:05:17,900 --> 00:05:22,620 about me, and I got a lot of attention, and boy, from then on, I wanted to have a drink 125 00:05:22,620 --> 00:05:23,620 at a party. 126 00:05:23,620 --> 00:05:26,820 If I went to a party in high school and there was no alcohol, it wasn't going to be any 127 00:05:26,820 --> 00:05:27,820 fun. 128 00:05:27,820 --> 00:05:29,660 I was supposed to get out of high school. 129 00:05:29,660 --> 00:05:31,460 You talked about being great at school. 130 00:05:31,460 --> 00:05:32,460 I don't know. 131 00:05:32,460 --> 00:05:33,460 I got Bs and Cs. 132 00:05:33,460 --> 00:05:37,540 It was the 60s, and I was supposed to get married and have children, and school was 133 00:05:37,540 --> 00:05:39,540 not a career for me. 134 00:05:39,540 --> 00:05:40,900 In high school, I went to classes. 135 00:05:40,900 --> 00:05:42,140 I was on the swim team. 136 00:05:42,140 --> 00:05:46,380 I was boys volleyball team manager, and every Friday night, we were drinking beer, and there 137 00:05:46,380 --> 00:05:49,620 was a kegger, and I was having parties, and it was fun. 138 00:05:49,620 --> 00:05:52,320 I didn't really care about college or going anywhere. 139 00:05:52,320 --> 00:05:55,620 I think I went to SMC for a year. 140 00:05:55,620 --> 00:05:57,620 Actually, let me correct myself. 141 00:05:57,620 --> 00:05:59,920 I signed up for classes. 142 00:05:59,920 --> 00:06:01,820 I showed up the first week or two. 143 00:06:01,820 --> 00:06:04,860 They had something called a syllabus, and they wanted us to do stuff, and they would 144 00:06:04,860 --> 00:06:08,380 explain what it was, and oh my God, it sounded really hard. 145 00:06:08,380 --> 00:06:09,380 I was not smart. 146 00:06:09,380 --> 00:06:12,700 I was just waiting for him to come along because he was going to support me because I was born 147 00:06:12,700 --> 00:06:14,400 in 1960, and that's how it was. 148 00:06:14,400 --> 00:06:16,000 Women got married, and their husbands took care of them. 149 00:06:16,000 --> 00:06:17,380 That's how I was raised. 150 00:06:17,380 --> 00:06:20,380 Real tricky, though, because it was the 70s, and things started to change. 151 00:06:20,380 --> 00:06:23,980 Anyways, I got a job at Henshey's Department Store in Santa Monica, and I made $2.50 an 152 00:06:23,980 --> 00:06:24,980 hour. 153 00:06:24,980 --> 00:06:25,980 I was making minimum wage. 154 00:06:25,980 --> 00:06:26,980 I hung out with some older people. 155 00:06:26,980 --> 00:06:32,400 We'd go to the bowling alley, and we'd get drunk and shift ahead because I don't have 156 00:06:32,400 --> 00:06:34,600 that long to talk. 157 00:06:34,600 --> 00:06:35,600 You guys talked. 158 00:06:35,600 --> 00:06:36,860 Bridget got pregnant. 159 00:06:36,860 --> 00:06:37,980 She had a child. 160 00:06:37,980 --> 00:06:39,060 You had a career. 161 00:06:39,060 --> 00:06:40,620 I don't know how long you've been teaching. 162 00:06:40,620 --> 00:06:42,120 I didn't teach until after sobriety. 163 00:06:42,120 --> 00:06:43,120 I've heard speakers. 164 00:06:43,120 --> 00:06:44,120 They went to college. 165 00:06:44,120 --> 00:06:45,120 They got married. 166 00:06:45,120 --> 00:06:46,120 They had jobs. 167 00:06:46,120 --> 00:06:47,120 They had this. 168 00:06:47,120 --> 00:06:48,120 They had that. 169 00:06:48,120 --> 00:06:49,120 That's not my story. 170 00:06:49,120 --> 00:06:50,120 I got drunk and stayed drunk. 171 00:06:50,120 --> 00:06:52,660 I don't know how you people functioned. 172 00:06:52,660 --> 00:06:54,980 I did work in a couple restaurants. 173 00:06:54,980 --> 00:06:56,060 But luckily, I got a job. 174 00:06:56,060 --> 00:06:56,980 I got a job. 175 00:06:56,980 --> 00:07:00,920 But the alcoholism really took hold of me. 176 00:07:00,920 --> 00:07:06,700 I graduated from high school in 1978, and the 80s came around, and one of the outside 177 00:07:06,700 --> 00:07:09,800 issues in the 80s was that white stuff. 178 00:07:09,800 --> 00:07:15,380 And yeah, that accelerated my drinking because a great big line of that and shots of tequila, 179 00:07:15,380 --> 00:07:16,920 and I was off and running. 180 00:07:16,920 --> 00:07:22,820 And what happened was, again, I was a cocktail witch, which was a great job for an alcoholic. 181 00:07:22,820 --> 00:07:24,980 The busboys all dealt drugs to us, and we could drink all we wanted. 182 00:07:24,980 --> 00:07:25,980 We had a lot of fun. 183 00:07:25,980 --> 00:07:26,980 We had a lot of fun. 184 00:07:26,980 --> 00:07:27,980 And I would lose jobs. 185 00:07:27,980 --> 00:07:28,980 I argued that I didn't want that job. 186 00:07:28,980 --> 00:07:29,980 There was another restaurant that was hiring me, so I let it go. 187 00:07:29,980 --> 00:07:30,980 I got too drunk to show up for work. 188 00:07:30,980 --> 00:07:31,980 We would close down the restaurant, open up the service bar, and party all night until 189 00:07:31,980 --> 00:07:32,980 the morning crew was coming. 190 00:07:32,980 --> 00:07:33,980 And then that was my life. 191 00:07:33,980 --> 00:07:34,980 And that was when I was functioning. 192 00:07:34,980 --> 00:07:35,980 And then it got to where I really was having some problems. 193 00:07:35,980 --> 00:07:36,980 I was losing jobs, and I didn't have another one lined up. 194 00:07:36,980 --> 00:07:37,980 I was starting to feel the heat. 195 00:07:37,980 --> 00:07:38,980 Alcoholism. 196 00:07:38,980 --> 00:07:39,980 Alcoholism. 197 00:07:39,980 --> 00:07:40,980 Alcoholism. 198 00:07:40,980 --> 00:07:41,980 Alcoholism. 199 00:07:41,980 --> 00:07:42,980 Alcoholism. 200 00:07:42,980 --> 00:07:43,980 Alcoholism. 201 00:07:43,980 --> 00:07:44,980 Alcoholism. 202 00:07:44,980 --> 00:07:45,980 Alcoholism. 203 00:07:45,980 --> 00:07:46,980 Alcoholism. 204 00:07:46,980 --> 00:07:47,980 Alcoholism. 205 00:07:47,980 --> 00:07:48,980 Alcoholism. 206 00:07:48,980 --> 00:07:49,980 Alcoholism. 207 00:07:56,980 --> 00:07:57,980 Alcoholism. 208 00:07:57,980 --> 00:07:58,980 Alcoholism. 209 00:07:58,980 --> 00:07:59,980 Alcoholism. 210 00:07:59,980 --> 00:08:00,980 Alcoholism. 211 00:08:00,980 --> 00:08:01,980 Alcoholism. 212 00:08:01,980 --> 00:08:02,980 Alcoholism. 213 00:08:02,980 --> 00:08:03,980 Alcoholism. 214 00:08:03,980 --> 00:08:04,980 Alcoholism. 215 00:08:04,980 --> 00:08:05,980 Alcoholism. 216 00:08:05,980 --> 00:08:06,980 Alcoholism. 217 00:08:06,980 --> 00:08:07,980 Alcoholism. 218 00:08:07,980 --> 00:08:08,980 Alcoholism. 219 00:08:08,980 --> 00:08:09,980 Alcoholism. 220 00:08:09,980 --> 00:08:10,980 Alcoholism. 221 00:08:10,980 --> 00:08:11,980 Alcoholism. 222 00:08:11,980 --> 00:08:12,980 Alcoholism. 223 00:08:12,980 --> 00:08:13,980 Alcoholism. 224 00:08:13,980 --> 00:08:14,980 Alcoholism. 225 00:08:14,980 --> 00:08:15,980 Alcoholism. 226 00:08:15,980 --> 00:08:16,980 Alcoholism. 227 00:08:16,980 --> 00:08:17,980 Alcoholism. 228 00:08:17,980 --> 00:08:18,980 Alcoholism. 229 00:08:18,980 --> 00:08:19,980 Alcoholism. 230 00:08:19,980 --> 00:08:20,980 Alcoholism. 231 00:08:20,980 --> 00:08:21,980 Alcoholism. 232 00:08:21,980 --> 00:08:22,980 Alcoholism. 233 00:08:22,980 --> 00:08:23,980 Alcoholism. 234 00:08:23,980 --> 00:08:24,980 Alcoholism. 235 00:08:24,980 --> 00:08:25,980 Alcoholism. 236 00:08:25,980 --> 00:08:37,140 I swear I don't remember when it happened, but the list of stuff that I needed to be comfortable for to be okay got to be so big that I couldn't get out of bed without a drink. 237 00:08:37,740 --> 00:08:47,100 I was having trouble getting to work because I would be drinking and doing drugs all night, and it would be 2 in the afternoon, and I didn't want to stop drinking. 238 00:08:47,100 --> 00:09:00,160 And yeah, I had a job to get to, and I actually needed a job because they paid me for showing up, but that powerlessness, that step one, powerless over alcohol, I so identify with it because once I took a drink, it took me. 239 00:09:00,340 --> 00:09:02,320 And as I said, I started losing jobs. 240 00:09:02,540 --> 00:09:03,740 I drank at home alone. 241 00:09:03,820 --> 00:09:05,120 I didn't drink in bars anymore. 242 00:09:05,480 --> 00:09:15,640 I worked at Acapulco's, and it was maybe five, six minutes from my house, but the time that I had to leave the bar at Acapulco's to the time I got home without a drink, 243 00:09:16,240 --> 00:09:17,080 that five. 244 00:09:17,220 --> 00:09:20,040 To seven minutes was way too long, so I drank at home alone. 245 00:09:20,880 --> 00:09:24,500 This will shock you, but my romantic life was not going too well. 246 00:09:24,840 --> 00:09:26,200 I was still looking for him. 247 00:09:27,040 --> 00:09:38,720 Drinking at home alone and passing out is not really an attraction for you, and I put a lot of emphasis on guys because I needed a guy to fix me because he was coming along. 248 00:09:39,320 --> 00:09:43,080 Like I said, I was born in 1960, and in the mid-70s, something changed. 249 00:09:43,080 --> 00:09:46,880 It was women's lib, and women went to work, and I was still waiting for him. 250 00:09:47,100 --> 00:09:48,380 He did not come along. 251 00:09:49,180 --> 00:09:52,700 What did come along was my disease. 252 00:09:52,840 --> 00:09:53,840 It was in full swing. 253 00:09:54,220 --> 00:09:56,740 People who think it's cool to drink, and oh, yeah, I had fun. 254 00:09:56,800 --> 00:09:57,200 I partied. 255 00:09:58,060 --> 00:10:12,260 My disease took me to I needed to have a drink to get out of bed in the morning, and oftentimes, I would just chug out of the bottle of vodka that I had next to my bed, and sometimes, I'd throw some of it up, and I'd keep drinking, and eventually, enough would stay down, and I'd be off and running. 256 00:10:12,260 --> 00:10:13,700 This is why I didn't have a career. 257 00:10:13,860 --> 00:10:14,960 This is why I was not married. 258 00:10:15,080 --> 00:10:16,400 This is why I did not have children. 259 00:10:17,100 --> 00:10:19,580 My disease took me really quickly. 260 00:10:19,740 --> 00:10:26,420 It's fortunate because I got sober at 31, but I had about a two-year spin where I was just drunk around the clock. 261 00:10:26,640 --> 00:10:28,600 I had very few sober moments. 262 00:10:28,780 --> 00:10:30,340 I was driving around drunk. 263 00:10:30,820 --> 00:10:34,680 When I talk about it, it just floors me how bad my disease was. 264 00:10:35,300 --> 00:10:36,940 I would lose jobs. 265 00:10:37,180 --> 00:10:39,360 My father, God, he was the best enabler. 266 00:10:39,720 --> 00:10:40,420 I love my dad. 267 00:10:40,660 --> 00:10:45,820 He would help me pay my rent and things, and life wasn't good, and there was something wrong. 268 00:10:46,220 --> 00:10:46,980 It had to be. 269 00:10:47,100 --> 00:10:50,520 That white-powdered stuff because I'm a nice Irish Catholic girl. 270 00:10:50,600 --> 00:10:51,620 My whole family drank. 271 00:10:52,400 --> 00:10:55,160 That was a normal thing, so it wasn't the alcohol. 272 00:10:55,320 --> 00:10:57,560 It was the white-powdered stuff, and I was going to quit that. 273 00:10:58,400 --> 00:11:03,340 My definition of quitting it was if I had to buy it or if it was a school night. 274 00:11:03,480 --> 00:11:07,100 I didn't go to school, and I didn't work at a school, but I referred to it as school night. 275 00:11:07,140 --> 00:11:09,460 If I had to work the next day, I would not do it. 276 00:11:09,460 --> 00:11:12,200 If it was offered to me for free, yeah, I was there. 277 00:11:13,940 --> 00:11:17,040 I really did stop doing a lot of the white-powdered stuff. 278 00:11:17,100 --> 00:11:23,240 And I kind of was a little perplexed because I got just as high off of booze as I ever did off of the other stuff. 279 00:11:23,700 --> 00:11:27,760 And I'm like, oh, shoot, I could have saved myself a lot of money. 280 00:11:28,840 --> 00:11:37,440 And, yeah, my disease of alcoholism was kind of staring me in the face because I knew that drinking wasn't good for me. 281 00:11:37,580 --> 00:11:41,540 And I would just, it was Thursday night, I was going to have a couple glasses of wine. 282 00:11:41,720 --> 00:11:42,360 Wine is okay. 283 00:11:42,520 --> 00:11:43,300 Ladies drink wine. 284 00:11:43,380 --> 00:11:44,980 It's okay to have a couple glasses of wine. 285 00:11:45,640 --> 00:11:46,820 I don't know what happened. 286 00:11:47,100 --> 00:11:48,160 But this is my disease. 287 00:11:48,480 --> 00:11:52,220 I would come to on Sunday with two empty wine bottles and two empty vodka bottles. 288 00:11:52,460 --> 00:11:56,100 And I remember Sunday, I would be in a cold sweat, and I'd be shaking. 289 00:11:56,320 --> 00:11:59,020 And I wouldn't want that drink, but I would need that drink. 290 00:11:59,100 --> 00:12:02,620 And I'd just gulp the vodka, and I'd hold it in my mouth, and it tasted awful. 291 00:12:02,840 --> 00:12:03,880 And I'd swallow it. 292 00:12:03,960 --> 00:12:06,740 I didn't want to drink anymore, but I didn't know how to live. 293 00:12:07,440 --> 00:12:08,840 And that would be Sunday. 294 00:12:08,960 --> 00:12:10,340 Monday, I would be in a cold sweat. 295 00:12:10,480 --> 00:12:11,880 Tuesday, I'd be a little better. 296 00:12:12,020 --> 00:12:13,180 By Wednesday, I'd be okay. 297 00:12:13,340 --> 00:12:14,580 I'd be feeling somewhat okay. 298 00:12:14,680 --> 00:12:16,220 And by Thursday, I was just going to have a drink. 299 00:12:16,240 --> 00:12:17,080 I was just going to have a glass. 300 00:12:17,120 --> 00:12:18,960 Wine is what ladies drink. 301 00:12:19,120 --> 00:12:19,800 It was okay. 302 00:12:20,140 --> 00:12:21,320 It wasn't a lot of alcohol. 303 00:12:21,440 --> 00:12:22,700 I was going to have a glass of wine. 304 00:12:23,040 --> 00:12:23,740 You guessed it. 305 00:12:23,760 --> 00:12:26,480 I'd come to Sunday with the vodka bottles and the wine. 306 00:12:26,620 --> 00:12:27,600 I didn't know what to do. 307 00:12:27,840 --> 00:12:32,180 I knew that if I had a drink, I figured out I had the good sense. 308 00:12:32,240 --> 00:12:33,780 If I had a drink, it took me. 309 00:12:34,460 --> 00:12:37,300 I do need to let you know that I would come out of blackouts, 310 00:12:37,340 --> 00:12:39,360 and there would be people in my home who I didn't know. 311 00:12:39,500 --> 00:12:41,680 There would be days that I wouldn't remember. 312 00:12:41,960 --> 00:12:43,920 It didn't dawn upon me this was not normal behavior. 313 00:12:45,180 --> 00:12:46,940 Luckily, I got... 314 00:12:46,940 --> 00:12:48,640 I got my one and only DUI. 315 00:12:48,720 --> 00:12:50,560 How I only got one DUI, I don't know. 316 00:12:50,640 --> 00:12:52,520 But if you guys don't believe in a higher power, 317 00:12:52,600 --> 00:12:57,180 I'm here to tell you I do because I drove drunk at least six months, 318 00:12:57,260 --> 00:12:59,600 and I only got one DUI, and nobody got killed, 319 00:12:59,680 --> 00:13:01,520 and I didn't get killed, and that's a miracle, 320 00:13:01,600 --> 00:13:02,980 and that's someone looking out for me, 321 00:13:03,060 --> 00:13:05,360 and I thank God every day that I didn't have to go through that 322 00:13:05,440 --> 00:13:08,920 because I know people that did come in after killing someone. 323 00:13:09,000 --> 00:13:10,880 I don't know if I could have dealt with that. 324 00:13:10,960 --> 00:13:12,920 But I got my one and only DUI. 325 00:13:13,000 --> 00:13:14,720 It was a Halloween party at Toppers. 326 00:13:14,800 --> 00:13:16,840 It was a restaurant bar in San Francisco. 327 00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:17,960 Santa Monica. 328 00:13:18,040 --> 00:13:19,340 I showed up drunk. 329 00:13:19,420 --> 00:13:20,720 I left drunk. 330 00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:22,560 I came out of a driveway. 331 00:13:22,640 --> 00:13:24,220 I don't remember a lot. 332 00:13:24,300 --> 00:13:28,600 The 80s is like really a fog because I just don't remember a lot. 333 00:13:28,680 --> 00:13:30,520 I used to have to fill out job applications. 334 00:13:30,600 --> 00:13:33,760 I'm like, I know I worked at places, but I don't know where. 335 00:13:33,840 --> 00:13:36,380 Thank God I don't have to do that anymore. 336 00:13:36,460 --> 00:13:40,180 Anyways, I came out, and I guess I made a wide left turn, 337 00:13:40,260 --> 00:13:41,920 and I hit some construction pylons. 338 00:13:42,000 --> 00:13:44,240 I don't know, and this one lady was making a great big deal, 339 00:13:44,320 --> 00:13:46,620 and they called the police, and I'm like, what the heck? 340 00:13:46,620 --> 00:13:49,920 I spent the night in the Santa Monica drunk tank. 341 00:13:50,000 --> 00:13:51,700 Actually, not that big a deal. 342 00:13:51,780 --> 00:13:53,000 For me, I was mortified. 343 00:13:53,080 --> 00:13:55,380 Oh, my God, I was going to jail, and I'd never been to jail, 344 00:13:55,460 --> 00:13:58,000 and they actually handcuff you, and they don't put your handcuffs on 345 00:13:58,080 --> 00:13:59,380 so they're in front so you're comfortable. 346 00:13:59,460 --> 00:14:01,160 They have them behind your back, and then they put you in a car, 347 00:14:01,240 --> 00:14:02,820 and that's really not conducive to comfort. 348 00:14:02,900 --> 00:14:05,380 I don't know about these police officers, but they were in front. 349 00:14:05,460 --> 00:14:07,540 I remember trying to get them in front, and he goes, what are you doing? 350 00:14:07,620 --> 00:14:10,040 I said, I'm not comfortable, and he's like looking at me like, 351 00:14:10,120 --> 00:14:11,380 lady, just stay still. 352 00:14:11,460 --> 00:14:15,380 So anyways, I spent the night in the Santa Monica drunk tank, 353 00:14:15,380 --> 00:14:18,280 and I got released on what they called my own recognizance. 354 00:14:18,380 --> 00:14:19,260 I didn't know what that meant. 355 00:14:19,340 --> 00:14:20,960 My father picked me up that next morning, 356 00:14:21,120 --> 00:14:24,980 and I was just totally mortified that I'd spent the night in jail. 357 00:14:25,500 --> 00:14:27,800 It's like I said, I heard people go to Twin Towers now. 358 00:14:27,960 --> 00:14:28,660 I got off easy. 359 00:14:28,980 --> 00:14:32,620 I actually was lucky because I got my DUI in October. 360 00:14:33,760 --> 00:14:38,640 My sobriety date's February, by the way, and that was the end of October, 361 00:14:38,820 --> 00:14:43,320 and that mandatory that you had to go to jail if you got a DUI happened in 91, 362 00:14:43,320 --> 00:14:45,320 and my DUI was in. 363 00:14:45,500 --> 00:14:47,740 It was in 1990, so yeah, I was really lucky. 364 00:14:48,260 --> 00:14:50,840 Anyways, my father took me home. 365 00:14:50,960 --> 00:14:53,240 He decided that it was a good idea that I never drank again, 366 00:14:53,860 --> 00:14:58,240 and I went home, and I was upset because I spent the night in jail, 367 00:14:58,240 --> 00:15:01,780 and it was not a fun party, and I needed a drink, 368 00:15:01,780 --> 00:15:04,120 and I had a bottle of vodka, and I had to look for it. 369 00:15:04,180 --> 00:15:06,640 I had a one-bedroom apartment, and I used to hide my bottles, 370 00:15:06,740 --> 00:15:08,320 and I was looking all over for my bottles. 371 00:15:09,100 --> 00:15:11,140 I've heard lots of people that hide their bottles. 372 00:15:11,660 --> 00:15:14,480 The thing is I lived alone, so I still to this day don't know 373 00:15:14,480 --> 00:15:15,360 why I was hiding my bottles. 374 00:15:15,360 --> 00:15:19,220 But I had to find it, and I did, and I drank it, 375 00:15:19,520 --> 00:15:22,360 and I was never going to drink and drive again. 376 00:15:22,440 --> 00:15:24,140 My father says, I don't think you should drink again. 377 00:15:24,200 --> 00:15:25,640 I said, well, I'm not going to drink and drive again, 378 00:15:25,720 --> 00:15:28,640 and he looked at me like, I don't know, and he didn't know what to do. 379 00:15:28,700 --> 00:15:31,360 He suggested AA because I had cousins in the program. 380 00:15:31,800 --> 00:15:33,380 Now I think they'd charge you for that. 381 00:15:33,760 --> 00:15:38,720 Anyways, so I got my DUI at the end of October, and I did drive drunk. 382 00:15:38,840 --> 00:15:39,960 I remember another time. 383 00:15:40,400 --> 00:15:43,880 I swore I wasn't, and I don't even remember the circumstances, but I was. 384 00:15:43,880 --> 00:15:45,340 And you know when you have enough alcohol, 385 00:15:45,340 --> 00:15:46,600 and you feel real brave. 386 00:15:47,020 --> 00:15:49,200 Luckily, I didn't get pulled over by the cops. 387 00:15:49,520 --> 00:15:51,900 Luckily, I did not have any trouble. 388 00:15:52,760 --> 00:15:57,980 But when I went to court, they sentenced me to so many AA meetings, 389 00:15:58,080 --> 00:16:00,300 and I had to go to this like alcohol counseling classes. 390 00:16:00,440 --> 00:16:00,800 I don't know. 391 00:16:01,420 --> 00:16:02,500 My dad paid for it. 392 00:16:02,740 --> 00:16:03,860 My dad was a really good guy. 393 00:16:03,920 --> 00:16:04,560 He was an enabler. 394 00:16:05,140 --> 00:16:09,180 And I showed up, and basically it was kind of like AA. 395 00:16:09,400 --> 00:16:10,200 We would share. 396 00:16:10,800 --> 00:16:13,840 This guy Norm would come and share, and Norm had done everything. 397 00:16:14,120 --> 00:16:15,280 After Norm shared. 398 00:16:15,360 --> 00:16:16,020 He was the leader. 399 00:16:16,820 --> 00:16:20,080 You're really comfortable sharing just about anything, because he had done it all. 400 00:16:20,620 --> 00:16:24,940 And I met some guys there, and I'd always gotten along with guys better than girls. 401 00:16:25,580 --> 00:16:29,040 And so, by the way, I have to back step. 402 00:16:29,440 --> 00:16:33,900 I didn't call this place, the alcohol counseling place, until the day of the deadline. 403 00:16:34,840 --> 00:16:36,340 I was a procrastinator. 404 00:16:36,460 --> 00:16:37,620 That was one of my biggest defects. 405 00:16:37,820 --> 00:16:40,380 And I waited until that day, and I guess it was around February. 406 00:16:40,580 --> 00:16:43,140 No, actually it was end of January, beginning of February. 407 00:16:43,140 --> 00:16:44,420 Anyways, I called. 408 00:16:44,420 --> 00:16:47,080 And the woman asked if I had a problem with alcohol. 409 00:16:47,340 --> 00:16:49,880 And I don't know why, but I said yes. 410 00:16:50,000 --> 00:16:51,860 And I had the phone to me, and I said yes. 411 00:16:51,900 --> 00:16:54,540 And then I pulled it away, because I was waiting for her to scream and tell me what a weak, 412 00:16:54,660 --> 00:16:55,440 awful person I was. 413 00:16:55,620 --> 00:16:57,180 And most people can handle their alcohol. 414 00:16:57,420 --> 00:16:58,700 And there was something wrong with me. 415 00:16:59,080 --> 00:17:03,600 Because that's how I was made to feel, because alcoholics were the people in the gutters 416 00:17:03,600 --> 00:17:05,880 with the raincoats and all that stuff. 417 00:17:06,320 --> 00:17:08,800 And I was just waiting for her to yell at me. 418 00:17:08,880 --> 00:17:11,800 But I pulled the phone away, because I knew I was going to get yelled at. 419 00:17:12,040 --> 00:17:14,000 But what happened was, she said, 420 00:17:14,420 --> 00:17:16,120 I said, that's okay, I do too. 421 00:17:16,160 --> 00:17:17,300 And I pulled that phone so close. 422 00:17:17,420 --> 00:17:18,500 I was like, wait, wait, what did you say? 423 00:17:18,560 --> 00:17:19,340 Can you repeat that, please? 424 00:17:20,320 --> 00:17:23,320 And basically, I ended up going to my first AA meeting. 425 00:17:24,000 --> 00:17:25,680 And everyone was really nice. 426 00:17:25,860 --> 00:17:27,240 And they gave me their cards. 427 00:17:27,300 --> 00:17:29,220 And I thought, why is it you people want to know me? 428 00:17:29,280 --> 00:17:30,980 And they were nice, clean, lovely people. 429 00:17:32,080 --> 00:17:35,440 And I have 15 minutes, so I have to go ahead. 430 00:17:35,840 --> 00:17:36,700 I got a sponsor. 431 00:17:37,020 --> 00:17:38,620 I worked the steps, but I didn't really. 432 00:17:39,600 --> 00:17:43,260 When I did my fourth step, I'm like, I didn't sleep with Mr. Jones' wife. 433 00:17:43,260 --> 00:17:44,360 And I didn't. 434 00:17:44,420 --> 00:17:46,100 I didn't really understand the columns and stuff. 435 00:17:47,020 --> 00:17:49,040 And I'm like, I didn't covet. 436 00:17:49,200 --> 00:17:49,720 Yeah, no. 437 00:17:49,980 --> 00:17:54,340 So anyways, my sponsor said, who did you do damage to? 438 00:17:54,800 --> 00:17:56,620 And I told her the truth. 439 00:17:56,660 --> 00:17:58,240 I did a lot of damage to myself. 440 00:17:58,340 --> 00:17:58,680 I did. 441 00:17:59,120 --> 00:18:04,620 I didn't think clearly enough that, you know, now I tell my sponsors, who pissed you off. 442 00:18:04,880 --> 00:18:06,880 Okay, that's a really good way for me to do a fourth step. 443 00:18:07,000 --> 00:18:09,400 But she told me just to forgive myself. 444 00:18:10,480 --> 00:18:12,060 And met my husband in AA. 445 00:18:12,140 --> 00:18:13,440 He came in when I had six months. 446 00:18:13,500 --> 00:18:14,380 And we were really good friends. 447 00:18:14,460 --> 00:18:15,920 We were really good friends for five years. 448 00:18:15,920 --> 00:18:19,340 I remember I did do what was suggested. 449 00:18:19,500 --> 00:18:20,280 I stuck with the winners. 450 00:18:20,540 --> 00:18:21,980 I sat in the front of the room. 451 00:18:22,800 --> 00:18:24,040 Went to a lot of meetings. 452 00:18:24,380 --> 00:18:26,380 I used to go to six meetings a week. 453 00:18:27,100 --> 00:18:28,460 Waited that year to date. 454 00:18:28,900 --> 00:18:30,200 Dated Mr. Oh-So-Wrong. 455 00:18:30,380 --> 00:18:36,220 I dated a very angry, very abusive, verbally abusive alcoholic. 456 00:18:36,740 --> 00:18:39,100 And I was with Mr. Oh-So-Wrong for four years. 457 00:18:39,340 --> 00:18:41,460 And I don't bring this up to put him down. 458 00:18:41,460 --> 00:18:44,060 I bring this up to show you just how bad my self-esteem was. 459 00:18:44,420 --> 00:18:48,920 And around four years of sobriety, four and a half years of sobriety, 460 00:18:49,800 --> 00:18:50,940 my life did get better. 461 00:18:51,040 --> 00:18:52,180 I got better jobs. 462 00:18:52,880 --> 00:18:55,780 I was with Mr. Oh-So-Wrong because I was still waiting for him 463 00:18:55,780 --> 00:18:58,480 because I was never going to do anything with my life 464 00:18:58,480 --> 00:19:00,720 because I was not smart and I was not talented 465 00:19:00,720 --> 00:19:02,880 and I still was looking for him to take care of me. 466 00:19:03,960 --> 00:19:07,660 And I always heard not to make a list of everything you want 467 00:19:07,660 --> 00:19:08,880 because you'll do yourself short. 468 00:19:08,880 --> 00:19:12,000 My higher power gave me nothing that I wanted 469 00:19:12,000 --> 00:19:13,360 when I first came in this program. 470 00:19:13,360 --> 00:19:15,100 And I thank God every day that he didn't 471 00:19:15,100 --> 00:19:17,460 because the life I got is so much different than what I wanted. 472 00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:20,900 What happened was when I was about four and a half years sober, 473 00:19:22,240 --> 00:19:25,940 I got a call at work and my father had fallen down the stairs 474 00:19:25,940 --> 00:19:26,880 and he was in the hospital. 475 00:19:27,120 --> 00:19:29,680 And I swear I just raced out of there. 476 00:19:29,800 --> 00:19:31,280 I was driving on the wrong side of the street. 477 00:19:31,600 --> 00:19:32,980 I got there as quick as I could. 478 00:19:33,500 --> 00:19:37,840 And I found out the next day that he had severed his spinal cord 479 00:19:37,840 --> 00:19:40,000 and he was paralyzed from the neck down and he was going to die. 480 00:19:40,760 --> 00:19:43,040 And I love my father more than anything in the world. 481 00:19:43,040 --> 00:19:43,240 He was a great man. 482 00:19:43,240 --> 00:19:43,340 He was a great man. 483 00:19:43,340 --> 00:19:43,360 He was a great man. 484 00:19:43,360 --> 00:19:44,220 He was like my life. 485 00:19:45,120 --> 00:19:46,900 And boy, that was a hard time. 486 00:19:47,400 --> 00:19:48,880 And I remember I was waiting for the... 487 00:19:48,880 --> 00:19:51,320 And he's been dead over 20 years and it still gets to me. 488 00:19:51,660 --> 00:19:53,980 But I remember I was waiting for the family to show up 489 00:19:53,980 --> 00:19:55,320 because I live close by him. 490 00:19:55,360 --> 00:19:57,800 My siblings live down in Orange County and I was waiting. 491 00:19:57,940 --> 00:20:00,940 And every time the elevator bell would ring, I would look out. 492 00:20:01,120 --> 00:20:03,840 And one time the elevator bell rang and I looked out 493 00:20:03,840 --> 00:20:06,680 and Jack N., who has since passed away, 494 00:20:06,740 --> 00:20:08,500 he's one of the old-timers from my Monday night meeting, 495 00:20:08,600 --> 00:20:09,360 he was there and I said, 496 00:20:09,400 --> 00:20:09,980 Jack, is that you? 497 00:20:10,580 --> 00:20:11,260 And he said, yes. 498 00:20:11,300 --> 00:20:12,200 He goes, oh, honey, what's wrong? 499 00:20:12,200 --> 00:20:12,920 I guess he could tell. 500 00:20:13,000 --> 00:20:13,340 I was a little... 501 00:20:13,340 --> 00:20:14,300 I was a little upset and I told him 502 00:20:14,300 --> 00:20:16,180 and he sat there with me 503 00:20:16,180 --> 00:20:18,820 and he waited until the rest of the family showed up 504 00:20:18,820 --> 00:20:21,760 and he let everybody at the meeting know what was going on 505 00:20:21,760 --> 00:20:24,400 and you people carried me through that. 506 00:20:24,560 --> 00:20:25,760 It was really, really hard. 507 00:20:25,880 --> 00:20:28,240 In fact, we had to ask the hospital 508 00:20:28,240 --> 00:20:29,820 to have my father unplugged 509 00:20:29,820 --> 00:20:31,020 because they didn't want to do it. 510 00:20:31,060 --> 00:20:32,100 He wanted to be unplugged 511 00:20:32,100 --> 00:20:33,700 but they weren't going to do it 512 00:20:33,700 --> 00:20:36,640 and it was just ironic or a God shot 513 00:20:36,640 --> 00:20:37,920 or my higher power working, 514 00:20:38,040 --> 00:20:38,980 whatever you want to call it. 515 00:20:39,340 --> 00:20:41,820 But the night that my father was being unplugged, 516 00:20:41,820 --> 00:20:43,060 Jack Nisan and his... 517 00:20:43,060 --> 00:20:46,620 or Jack N and his wife showed up 518 00:20:46,620 --> 00:20:49,160 and this is one of the kindest, most loving men 519 00:20:49,160 --> 00:20:50,280 that I knew in the program 520 00:20:50,280 --> 00:20:51,720 and you know what? 521 00:20:51,780 --> 00:20:53,740 Having him there just meant so much to me 522 00:20:53,740 --> 00:20:59,740 and after that, I was still with Mr. Oh So Wrong 523 00:20:59,740 --> 00:21:00,880 and I remember he said, 524 00:21:00,960 --> 00:21:02,320 your father's been dead a week. 525 00:21:02,420 --> 00:21:03,940 Can you quit being so self-absorbed? 526 00:21:03,980 --> 00:21:04,900 You need to be over it. 527 00:21:05,440 --> 00:21:07,120 And I said, well, I'm over you 528 00:21:07,120 --> 00:21:09,860 and I was done. 529 00:21:09,860 --> 00:21:11,900 I didn't care if I ever got married. 530 00:21:12,180 --> 00:21:12,860 I was like... 531 00:21:13,060 --> 00:21:14,280 I was like 35 years old 532 00:21:14,280 --> 00:21:16,220 and had never been married and was single 533 00:21:16,220 --> 00:21:17,860 and that was it. 534 00:21:17,960 --> 00:21:19,460 I was going to raise my nephew 535 00:21:19,460 --> 00:21:21,660 because my brother was on his second or third wife. 536 00:21:21,740 --> 00:21:22,360 I don't remember 537 00:21:22,360 --> 00:21:25,380 and I was just going to get on with my life 538 00:21:25,380 --> 00:21:26,920 and what happened was 539 00:21:26,920 --> 00:21:29,140 this guy came into our Monday night meeting 540 00:21:29,140 --> 00:21:30,300 when I had six months 541 00:21:30,300 --> 00:21:33,060 and his ex-wife was my girlfriend 542 00:21:33,060 --> 00:21:34,020 that I went to school with. 543 00:21:34,080 --> 00:21:35,000 My dad was her teacher. 544 00:21:35,140 --> 00:21:36,100 Very small world, AA. 545 00:21:36,440 --> 00:21:38,140 Anyway, she and I became friends 546 00:21:38,140 --> 00:21:40,980 and I remember Mark was just really nervous 547 00:21:40,980 --> 00:21:41,940 when he first came in 548 00:21:41,940 --> 00:21:43,000 and I said, hey, you know, 549 00:21:43,060 --> 00:21:44,100 we're all in our first year. 550 00:21:44,260 --> 00:21:45,020 We're all nervous. 551 00:21:45,160 --> 00:21:45,520 Don't worry. 552 00:21:45,600 --> 00:21:46,080 Hang with us. 553 00:21:46,120 --> 00:21:46,880 We'll show you what to do. 554 00:21:47,240 --> 00:21:49,140 And he and I were really good friends 555 00:21:49,140 --> 00:21:51,200 and after my dad died, 556 00:21:51,380 --> 00:21:53,340 I remember I tried calling him several times 557 00:21:53,340 --> 00:21:54,460 because he was a really good friend. 558 00:21:54,640 --> 00:21:55,600 Long story short, 559 00:21:55,800 --> 00:21:58,240 we've been married, I think, 21 years. 560 00:21:58,340 --> 00:21:59,200 20 or 21 years. 561 00:21:59,520 --> 00:22:02,000 I know we got married the day of the SC Stanford game. 562 00:22:02,620 --> 00:22:03,600 I know it was in November 563 00:22:03,600 --> 00:22:05,700 but I think it's 20 or 21 years. 564 00:22:05,820 --> 00:22:06,080 Anyways, 565 00:22:06,620 --> 00:22:09,760 and I got busy. 566 00:22:09,760 --> 00:22:11,320 I got busy in the program. 567 00:22:11,920 --> 00:22:12,920 I was married. 568 00:22:13,060 --> 00:22:15,260 I decided to go back to school 569 00:22:15,260 --> 00:22:17,840 and I didn't think I could 570 00:22:17,840 --> 00:22:18,580 but I worked with a girl 571 00:22:18,580 --> 00:22:19,520 and she goes, I'll help you. 572 00:22:20,020 --> 00:22:20,740 And I went back 573 00:22:20,740 --> 00:22:22,360 and I was just going to get an associate's degree 574 00:22:22,360 --> 00:22:23,320 so I'd be more hireable 575 00:22:23,320 --> 00:22:25,520 because the companies I was working for 576 00:22:25,520 --> 00:22:26,460 would downsize 577 00:22:26,460 --> 00:22:29,040 or they were taken over by another corporation 578 00:22:29,040 --> 00:22:30,040 and you know what? 579 00:22:30,060 --> 00:22:31,400 There was not a lot of job security 580 00:22:31,400 --> 00:22:32,800 and when I was in college, 581 00:22:32,920 --> 00:22:34,900 I heard them talk about the future teacher's track 582 00:22:34,900 --> 00:22:36,120 and I went, oh, I could be a teacher. 583 00:22:36,220 --> 00:22:38,080 They get Christmas, Easter, and summer vacation. 584 00:22:38,580 --> 00:22:39,540 I can do that. 585 00:22:40,400 --> 00:22:41,740 And I went back to school 586 00:22:41,740 --> 00:22:43,000 and you know, at first, 587 00:22:43,000 --> 00:22:43,780 I thought, no, 588 00:22:43,920 --> 00:22:45,360 at least some more people can go to school. 589 00:22:45,700 --> 00:22:46,340 That's not true 590 00:22:46,340 --> 00:22:47,240 because I went to school 591 00:22:47,240 --> 00:22:47,880 and I graduated 592 00:22:47,880 --> 00:22:48,780 and I did pretty well. 593 00:22:48,920 --> 00:22:50,120 I did what you people taught me. 594 00:22:50,200 --> 00:22:51,160 I sat in the front of the room. 595 00:22:51,300 --> 00:22:52,380 I stuck with the winners. 596 00:22:53,900 --> 00:22:55,180 I got a teaching credential. 597 00:22:55,380 --> 00:22:56,120 I've been teaching, 598 00:22:56,340 --> 00:22:57,820 I think, 17 or 18 years, 599 00:22:57,920 --> 00:22:58,540 somewhere around there. 600 00:22:58,620 --> 00:22:59,540 I was meant to teach. 601 00:22:59,700 --> 00:23:00,360 I love teaching. 602 00:23:00,660 --> 00:23:01,280 Not every day. 603 00:23:01,740 --> 00:23:03,360 Jerry and I were comparing war stories 604 00:23:03,360 --> 00:23:04,460 but I love my job 605 00:23:04,460 --> 00:23:05,520 and I get paid to do it. 606 00:23:05,860 --> 00:23:07,200 Problem is, I got busy. 607 00:23:08,000 --> 00:23:09,660 I was going to school full time. 608 00:23:10,480 --> 00:23:11,600 That invalid mother 609 00:23:11,600 --> 00:23:12,980 that was such an issue, 610 00:23:13,000 --> 00:23:13,460 embarrassment. 611 00:23:14,120 --> 00:23:15,560 Yeah, most parents leave money. 612 00:23:15,680 --> 00:23:16,360 Dad left his mom 613 00:23:16,360 --> 00:23:17,420 and I got to take care of her 614 00:23:17,420 --> 00:23:19,040 and I took care of her for 13 years 615 00:23:19,040 --> 00:23:20,560 and I made a living amends to my father 616 00:23:20,560 --> 00:23:21,520 by taking care of her. 617 00:23:21,900 --> 00:23:23,360 My husband and I would throw her in the car. 618 00:23:23,440 --> 00:23:24,280 We'd take her to the beach. 619 00:23:24,580 --> 00:23:25,600 We'd take her to the movies. 620 00:23:25,820 --> 00:23:26,900 We'd take her to the Amundsen. 621 00:23:27,200 --> 00:23:28,040 We took her everywhere. 622 00:23:28,160 --> 00:23:29,580 We took her to the concerts in the park. 623 00:23:29,940 --> 00:23:32,240 My mom and I got to be really, really close. 624 00:23:33,120 --> 00:23:35,380 Thing is, I was going to school 625 00:23:35,380 --> 00:23:37,160 and I was married and I was busy. 626 00:23:37,820 --> 00:23:40,060 And I told you I hadn't completely worked 627 00:23:40,060 --> 00:23:40,880 the 12 steps 628 00:23:40,880 --> 00:23:42,980 and I definitely wasn't working the 12 steps. 629 00:23:43,480 --> 00:23:45,100 I didn't go out and drink 630 00:23:45,100 --> 00:23:47,180 but you know that restless, 631 00:23:47,640 --> 00:23:48,760 irritable and discontent? 632 00:23:48,940 --> 00:23:50,220 Yeah, I had that hat. 633 00:23:51,420 --> 00:23:53,580 I was going to a meeting once a week 634 00:23:53,580 --> 00:23:55,480 but I don't think I was really going to the meeting. 635 00:23:55,580 --> 00:23:57,220 I'm sure I was thinking of a grocery list 636 00:23:57,220 --> 00:23:57,840 or this or that. 637 00:23:57,900 --> 00:23:58,880 My head wasn't in AA 638 00:23:58,880 --> 00:24:01,180 and I got restless, irritable and discontent. 639 00:24:01,380 --> 00:24:03,420 And I was at my school 640 00:24:03,420 --> 00:24:05,280 and we were merging with the primary center 641 00:24:05,280 --> 00:24:06,320 and there was a woman. 642 00:24:06,440 --> 00:24:08,400 They had all the meeting of the special ed teachers 643 00:24:08,400 --> 00:24:09,340 and there was a woman 644 00:24:09,340 --> 00:24:11,340 and I knew her when my husband and I 645 00:24:11,340 --> 00:24:12,740 used to go to a meeting Friday night 646 00:24:12,740 --> 00:24:13,140 in the valley. 647 00:24:13,240 --> 00:24:14,260 When I moved out here, 648 00:24:14,520 --> 00:24:16,340 the only meetings my husband went to 649 00:24:16,340 --> 00:24:17,060 were on the west side 650 00:24:17,060 --> 00:24:17,800 because he worked there. 651 00:24:18,360 --> 00:24:20,140 And we never went to any meetings out here. 652 00:24:20,220 --> 00:24:21,600 There are meetings out here, by the way. 653 00:24:21,760 --> 00:24:23,000 We've found them since then. 654 00:24:23,480 --> 00:24:25,400 But I said to her, 655 00:24:25,460 --> 00:24:26,580 I said, who's your sponsor? 656 00:24:27,280 --> 00:24:29,220 And she said, why do you want to drink? 657 00:24:29,300 --> 00:24:31,080 And I said, no, I just get pissed off a lot. 658 00:24:31,620 --> 00:24:34,300 And so she introduced me 659 00:24:34,300 --> 00:24:35,300 to a group of her girlfriends 660 00:24:35,300 --> 00:24:36,780 and I started working with a sponsor. 661 00:24:36,900 --> 00:24:37,760 My friend Bruce told me 662 00:24:37,760 --> 00:24:38,800 about a Saturday night meeting. 663 00:24:38,960 --> 00:24:40,520 Bruce lives in Santa Clarita 664 00:24:40,520 --> 00:24:42,520 but he goes to my Monday night palettes. 665 00:24:42,740 --> 00:24:43,380 Palisades meeting, 666 00:24:43,520 --> 00:24:44,940 which I still go to. 667 00:24:45,080 --> 00:24:46,780 My husband and I still go there every Monday night. 668 00:24:46,860 --> 00:24:48,200 The rest of our meetings are in the valley. 669 00:24:49,060 --> 00:24:51,380 And what happened was 670 00:24:51,380 --> 00:24:52,820 I got back in the program 671 00:24:52,820 --> 00:24:54,440 and I started going to more meetings 672 00:24:54,440 --> 00:24:55,240 and my husband's like, 673 00:24:55,300 --> 00:24:56,460 you can go to a meeting every Saturday. 674 00:24:57,180 --> 00:24:58,960 And I said, yes, you don't have to, 675 00:24:59,020 --> 00:24:59,640 but I'm going to. 676 00:24:59,680 --> 00:25:01,000 He's like, fine, I'll go. 677 00:25:01,300 --> 00:25:02,300 He actually loves the meeting. 678 00:25:02,360 --> 00:25:04,160 He actually goes to more meetings than I do now. 679 00:25:04,480 --> 00:25:05,520 What happened was 680 00:25:05,520 --> 00:25:07,340 when I first got sober, 681 00:25:07,660 --> 00:25:10,340 I call it, I dipped my toe in the AA pool. 682 00:25:11,040 --> 00:25:12,580 I am now completely submerged 683 00:25:12,580 --> 00:25:12,600 in the AA pool. 684 00:25:12,600 --> 00:25:12,720 I am now completely submerged in the AA pool. 685 00:25:12,720 --> 00:25:13,440 I am now completely submerged in the deep end. 686 00:25:14,000 --> 00:25:15,960 If I don't say anything tonight, 687 00:25:16,240 --> 00:25:17,980 these 12 steps that are on the wall, 688 00:25:18,680 --> 00:25:19,920 I have them in my pocket. 689 00:25:20,120 --> 00:25:21,360 I actively work them. 690 00:25:21,900 --> 00:25:23,300 Physical sobriety is okay, 691 00:25:23,480 --> 00:25:25,400 but emotional sobriety is so much better. 692 00:25:25,820 --> 00:25:28,100 Working these 12 steps on a daily basis 693 00:25:28,100 --> 00:25:29,260 is what I do. 694 00:25:29,580 --> 00:25:31,500 And when I do that, my life's pretty good. 695 00:25:31,860 --> 00:25:34,600 I was telling Jerry that when I remember to pause 696 00:25:34,600 --> 00:25:36,320 and that God's in charge in the classroom, 697 00:25:36,480 --> 00:25:37,840 the days go a lot better. 698 00:25:38,720 --> 00:25:40,220 I haven't had a drink 699 00:25:40,220 --> 00:25:41,900 in over 28 years. 700 00:25:42,240 --> 00:25:42,580 I haven't had a drink in over 28 years. 701 00:25:42,580 --> 00:25:43,720 I have been an alcoholic 702 00:25:43,720 --> 00:25:44,780 on numerous occasions 703 00:25:44,780 --> 00:25:46,200 during those 28 years 704 00:25:46,200 --> 00:25:47,520 and my alcoholism 705 00:25:47,520 --> 00:25:48,640 can look something like this. 706 00:25:48,700 --> 00:25:49,580 I have one kid 707 00:25:49,580 --> 00:25:50,840 that was like throwing things 708 00:25:50,840 --> 00:25:51,860 and running around the classroom 709 00:25:51,860 --> 00:25:53,560 and just behaving terribly. 710 00:25:54,220 --> 00:25:55,100 And a half hour later, 711 00:25:55,140 --> 00:25:57,360 her behavior is letting her color. 712 00:25:58,060 --> 00:25:59,760 Now, when I work my program, 713 00:26:00,180 --> 00:26:01,900 I stop and pause and go, 714 00:26:02,180 --> 00:26:03,620 okay, she's quiet, I can teach. 715 00:26:04,080 --> 00:26:05,800 When I forget to work my program, 716 00:26:05,900 --> 00:26:07,160 it's like, what are you doing coloring? 717 00:26:07,340 --> 00:26:08,260 You did not behave. 718 00:26:08,400 --> 00:26:09,300 You interrupted the lesson. 719 00:26:09,500 --> 00:26:10,140 You're not going to color. 720 00:26:10,480 --> 00:26:12,220 Now, Jerry already knows what happened. 721 00:26:12,220 --> 00:26:13,300 She's just going to melt down 722 00:26:13,300 --> 00:26:14,180 and start throwing things 723 00:26:14,180 --> 00:26:15,300 and run around the room again. 724 00:26:15,720 --> 00:26:17,940 And me, the sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous, 725 00:26:18,080 --> 00:26:18,860 says, you're not going to color. 726 00:26:19,120 --> 00:26:20,000 You don't get to color. 727 00:26:20,360 --> 00:26:21,780 That is my disease today. 728 00:26:22,680 --> 00:26:24,460 You know, it's just, it never goes. 729 00:26:25,580 --> 00:26:27,480 I try and work this program 730 00:26:27,480 --> 00:26:28,880 to the best of my ability. 731 00:26:29,840 --> 00:26:31,280 I sponsor some women. 732 00:26:31,600 --> 00:26:32,180 I listen. 733 00:26:33,380 --> 00:26:34,500 Honestly, when I sponsor, 734 00:26:34,640 --> 00:26:35,920 I think about God and the steps. 735 00:26:36,140 --> 00:26:37,300 All I have is the steps. 736 00:26:37,440 --> 00:26:38,720 That's what the program is to me, 737 00:26:38,740 --> 00:26:39,460 working the steps. 738 00:26:39,940 --> 00:26:41,040 Mariana has heard this. 739 00:26:41,040 --> 00:26:41,660 I tell everyone, 740 00:26:41,660 --> 00:26:42,880 when I have a circle around me, 741 00:26:43,100 --> 00:26:44,780 step one, two, and three is that circle. 742 00:26:44,900 --> 00:26:46,080 Everything in that circle, 743 00:26:46,220 --> 00:26:47,400 I have complete control over. 744 00:26:47,580 --> 00:26:49,640 I have no control over the children in my room. 745 00:26:49,900 --> 00:26:51,100 I should know that by now. 746 00:26:51,200 --> 00:26:53,080 As I said, I've been teaching 17, 18 years. 747 00:26:53,160 --> 00:26:54,540 They don't listen to a darn thing I say, 748 00:26:54,580 --> 00:26:55,780 and they don't do what I tell them to. 749 00:26:55,980 --> 00:26:57,220 I have five minutes left. 750 00:26:57,320 --> 00:26:57,540 Okay. 751 00:26:58,660 --> 00:27:01,200 I have no control over how people feel about me, 752 00:27:01,260 --> 00:27:02,520 whether or not people like me, 753 00:27:02,620 --> 00:27:04,160 whether or not there's traffic on the freeway. 754 00:27:04,180 --> 00:27:05,620 I have no control over any of that. 755 00:27:06,460 --> 00:27:09,160 I do have control over who I associate with, 756 00:27:09,160 --> 00:27:11,580 whether or not I leave early enough to get somewhere, 757 00:27:11,820 --> 00:27:13,240 all that other stuff. 758 00:27:14,280 --> 00:27:17,080 When things don't work well, I turn it over. 759 00:27:17,180 --> 00:27:18,560 I like turning it over to God. 760 00:27:19,800 --> 00:27:21,620 Like I said, when I first came here, 761 00:27:21,660 --> 00:27:22,580 I was looking for him, 762 00:27:22,620 --> 00:27:24,500 and him was going to marry me and take care of me, 763 00:27:24,520 --> 00:27:26,020 and I was going to be a housewife 764 00:27:26,020 --> 00:27:28,060 that just went to the gym all day. 765 00:27:28,180 --> 00:27:30,900 I've actually ended up kind of supporting my husband 766 00:27:30,900 --> 00:27:32,460 because he lost his business for a while. 767 00:27:32,580 --> 00:27:33,520 We're both working now, 768 00:27:33,620 --> 00:27:36,140 but it wasn't what I wanted when I came in. 769 00:27:36,440 --> 00:27:37,680 I love my life today. 770 00:27:37,680 --> 00:27:41,600 I have a life that is absolutely, 771 00:27:41,820 --> 00:27:42,440 truly amazing. 772 00:27:42,840 --> 00:27:44,220 I have the best life. 773 00:27:45,260 --> 00:27:46,240 I'm not rich. 774 00:27:46,780 --> 00:27:47,560 I'm not famous. 775 00:27:47,780 --> 00:27:48,580 I don't want to be famous. 776 00:27:50,020 --> 00:27:51,300 I work for a living. 777 00:27:51,620 --> 00:27:52,520 I have to do dishes. 778 00:27:53,000 --> 00:27:53,700 I break nails. 779 00:27:53,980 --> 00:27:55,640 I've already told you I work with little people 780 00:27:55,640 --> 00:27:56,540 who don't listen to me. 781 00:27:57,680 --> 00:27:59,220 I'm married to an alcoholic, 782 00:27:59,700 --> 00:28:03,900 and when I wake up with the sober eyes, 783 00:28:03,940 --> 00:28:06,080 I have a wonderful, loving, great husband. 784 00:28:06,860 --> 00:28:08,580 When I wake up on other days, 785 00:28:08,680 --> 00:28:10,120 it's like, well, he didn't clean up this, 786 00:28:10,200 --> 00:28:11,200 and he didn't do that, 787 00:28:11,320 --> 00:28:11,640 and oh my God, 788 00:28:11,660 --> 00:28:13,420 he's screaming at the people in the car, 789 00:28:13,500 --> 00:28:14,340 and where is his program? 790 00:28:14,740 --> 00:28:16,260 I have a good sponsor. 791 00:28:16,780 --> 00:28:18,700 She tells me to take my eyes off of him 792 00:28:18,700 --> 00:28:19,280 and look at me. 793 00:28:19,380 --> 00:28:20,260 There goes that circle. 794 00:28:20,360 --> 00:28:21,960 See, my husband's not in that circle. 795 00:28:22,080 --> 00:28:22,780 I'm in that circle. 796 00:28:22,900 --> 00:28:24,460 Everything in that circle is my business. 797 00:28:24,620 --> 00:28:25,400 I can control that. 798 00:28:25,700 --> 00:28:26,420 Everything else, 799 00:28:26,760 --> 00:28:28,280 I don't get to have any control over. 800 00:28:28,520 --> 00:28:30,020 If something bothers me, 801 00:28:30,120 --> 00:28:31,800 it's not why is that bothering me. 802 00:28:31,880 --> 00:28:33,100 It's what the heck's the matter with me 803 00:28:33,100 --> 00:28:33,700 that it's bothering, 804 00:28:33,880 --> 00:28:36,440 and I have to go to my fourth step, 805 00:28:36,480 --> 00:28:37,940 and I have to look at what's wrong with me. 806 00:28:38,700 --> 00:28:40,280 And I do that a lot, 807 00:28:40,280 --> 00:28:41,520 and life's, 808 00:28:41,660 --> 00:28:42,220 pretty darn good. 809 00:28:43,000 --> 00:28:43,660 Like I said, 810 00:28:43,720 --> 00:28:44,780 I still gotta go to work. 811 00:28:44,940 --> 00:28:46,160 I get up at 5 a.m. 812 00:28:46,280 --> 00:28:47,420 I'd like work a lot better 813 00:28:47,420 --> 00:28:49,180 if I didn't have to get up at 5 a.m., 814 00:28:49,180 --> 00:28:50,780 but I get paid for something I love. 815 00:28:51,280 --> 00:28:52,920 I have a lot of friends. 816 00:28:54,020 --> 00:28:55,320 I love being sober. 817 00:28:56,300 --> 00:28:57,880 There is someone here that's new. 818 00:28:58,860 --> 00:29:00,060 When I first came here, 819 00:29:00,100 --> 00:29:01,000 I remember someone said, 820 00:29:01,060 --> 00:29:01,740 do you have a sponsor? 821 00:29:01,900 --> 00:29:02,320 And I said, 822 00:29:02,380 --> 00:29:03,500 well, I'm not really jonesing 823 00:29:03,500 --> 00:29:04,580 for a drink in the middle of the night, 824 00:29:04,600 --> 00:29:05,380 so I don't need one. 825 00:29:05,420 --> 00:29:05,820 And they said, 826 00:29:05,860 --> 00:29:07,180 no, they help you work the steps. 827 00:29:07,260 --> 00:29:08,840 And I remember looking at a flight of steps, 828 00:29:08,840 --> 00:29:09,540 and I'm like, huh? 829 00:29:09,540 --> 00:29:11,160 I had no idea. 830 00:29:11,600 --> 00:29:13,440 I had cousins that were sober, 831 00:29:13,600 --> 00:29:14,420 and I came here, 832 00:29:14,500 --> 00:29:15,820 and I thought maybe you'd let me drink 833 00:29:15,820 --> 00:29:16,720 and teach me how to drink. 834 00:29:16,960 --> 00:29:17,720 How I thought that, 835 00:29:17,780 --> 00:29:18,120 I don't know, 836 00:29:18,180 --> 00:29:19,640 because I had two cousins that were sober. 837 00:29:20,240 --> 00:29:23,340 But this program works if you work it. 838 00:29:23,980 --> 00:29:26,100 It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. 839 00:29:26,580 --> 00:29:28,400 I'm gonna stop early 840 00:29:28,400 --> 00:29:30,660 because no one wants somebody rambling. 841 00:29:31,240 --> 00:29:32,780 And thank you very much for having me 842 00:29:32,780 --> 00:29:33,960 and listening to me. 843 00:29:34,060 --> 00:29:35,920 You guys have been an absolutely wonderful crowd. 844 00:29:36,020 --> 00:29:36,860 Thank you very much.