1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:03,680 Now I would like to introduce our main speaker, Sarah. 2 00:00:03,680 --> 00:00:09,200 Hi, I'm Sarah. I'm an alcoholic. Can you see me out of the book? It's fine. I'll leave it. 3 00:00:10,640 --> 00:00:15,520 I want to thank you guys for inviting me here. Alex was who contacted me, but thank you, Oscar. 4 00:00:15,520 --> 00:00:20,320 And thank you everyone for the warm, very warm welcome. And I want to thank Terri Marie and 5 00:00:20,320 --> 00:00:24,560 Cheryl for coming with me tonight. We went and had dinner and had a good laugh and 6 00:00:24,560 --> 00:00:32,880 got to catch up a little bit and it's always really nice. So, oh, and I want to thank our 7 00:00:32,880 --> 00:00:37,600 two 10-minute speakers as well. That was really great. It's always good for me to just, you know, 8 00:00:37,600 --> 00:00:42,800 when I know I'm speaking and I tend to just get in my head and, you know, to just try to 9 00:00:42,800 --> 00:00:46,560 pay attention to what's going on with, you know, listen to somebody else instead of 10 00:00:46,560 --> 00:00:54,160 listening to what's going on up here. So, yeah, it's been a while since I've spoke at a meeting. 11 00:00:55,200 --> 00:01:00,160 So I was really, you know, I feel really grateful to have been asked to speak here. 12 00:01:00,960 --> 00:01:05,920 And I love this, you know, this is a real AA meeting, you know, people hang outside and smoke 13 00:01:05,920 --> 00:01:12,560 cigarettes and, you know, it's a real, it's a real AA meeting. And I like that. You know, I find, 14 00:01:12,560 --> 00:01:19,600 I got sober July 12th, 2009. So I just celebrated 10 years this year. Cheryl C is my sponsor. She 15 00:01:19,600 --> 00:01:24,320 got sober in Pacific group and she just celebrated 44 years. 16 00:01:24,560 --> 00:01:33,200 In January. So I guess almost 45. And yeah. And I originally got sober in the Bellflower Big Book 17 00:01:33,200 --> 00:01:37,280 group. So I'm kind of, you know, in the, in the ties of the, you know, the very tradition, the 18 00:01:37,280 --> 00:01:42,640 very, you know, heavily in the big book, heavily in the sponsorship and service. So, you know, 19 00:01:42,640 --> 00:01:47,360 and I'm very grateful I have that foundation for my sobriety. Because, you know, luckily me, 20 00:01:47,360 --> 00:01:51,280 sobriety has taken me all over the place and, you know, I haven't always been able to go to 21 00:01:51,280 --> 00:01:53,280 Pacific group or Bellflower, those meetings, but I always carry that, you know, my sobriety. So, you 22 00:01:53,280 --> 00:02:00,880 know, I have that foundation. So I guess I'll just start from the beginning. I grew up in Northern 23 00:02:00,880 --> 00:02:06,240 California. I grew up in Lake Tahoe, just a small little town on the, on the North shore of the lake. 24 00:02:06,240 --> 00:02:14,640 And you know, I grew up with my mom's admittedly herself an alcoholic. She's, she was sober in AA 25 00:02:14,640 --> 00:02:22,320 for a while. Not so much anymore, but you know, we were both, I got sober about the same time. And 26 00:02:23,280 --> 00:02:27,280 my dad is, you know, what we would call a normie. He could take alcohol or leave it, 27 00:02:27,280 --> 00:02:34,000 but he was like a daily pot smoker. That was his thing of choice. And, you know, it was just 28 00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:38,800 in one of those normal alcoholic homes, the fighting and the throwing furniture and the, 29 00:02:38,800 --> 00:02:43,760 you know, the drama and the, you know, we weren't supervised. Both my parents worked full time. We 30 00:02:43,760 --> 00:02:47,840 were latchkey kids. You know, it was just, that was just how it was. We had to wake up on time 31 00:02:47,840 --> 00:02:52,800 and be responsible for ourselves and catch the bus to get to school, or we just didn't go to school. 32 00:02:53,600 --> 00:02:56,320 ... ditch the bus and water, you know. And I started working at a very young age. I was 33 00:02:56,320 --> 00:03:01,600 probably about 14 when I started, you know, having to make money and, you know, 34 00:03:01,600 --> 00:03:06,800 because I wanted to do things, and I had to have my own money, you know. So I guess that you could 35 00:03:06,800 --> 00:03:12,480 say I just kind of grew up kind of quick or felt like I had to. But mostly I started drinking. 36 00:03:13,680 --> 00:03:19,360 I was probably 14, I think the first time I started dabbling in it. And then I, you know, 37 00:03:19,360 --> 00:03:23,040 I was kind of a troubled child. I was kind of starting to reach out for other people. I always 38 00:03:23,040 --> 00:03:27,340 for other things before I started drinking, you know, because I was very uncomfortable 39 00:03:27,340 --> 00:03:32,200 in my skin and I was one of those people who believed that, I remember having the thought 40 00:03:32,200 --> 00:03:36,480 like, if I could just be me in your life, then like I would be okay. 41 00:03:36,760 --> 00:03:39,620 And I'm like, what kid has that thought, you know? 42 00:03:39,740 --> 00:03:41,720 I was so uncomfortable in my own skin. 43 00:03:41,840 --> 00:03:46,280 I thought maybe if just my circumstances were different, then I would be a different person 44 00:03:46,280 --> 00:03:47,680 or I would be okay, you know? 45 00:03:47,680 --> 00:03:51,420 Um, but it turns out, you know, now I know that it was my perception. 46 00:03:51,960 --> 00:03:56,160 Um, my circumstances were not all that bad and I closed on my back, two parents in a 47 00:03:56,160 --> 00:04:00,340 home and I lived in this beautiful place, you know, that I grew up and all I could think 48 00:04:00,340 --> 00:04:02,560 about was how, you know, horrible my life was. 49 00:04:03,160 --> 00:04:05,660 Um, you know, perception. 50 00:04:05,840 --> 00:04:10,400 I had a, I have a perception problem and I like, you know, the 10 minute speaker, I believe 51 00:04:10,400 --> 00:04:11,480 I was born that way. 52 00:04:11,800 --> 00:04:13,420 I was that way from the gate. 53 00:04:13,680 --> 00:04:16,660 Um, I was always looking for something on the outside to fix me. 54 00:04:16,660 --> 00:04:17,660 Um, and so. 55 00:04:17,680 --> 00:04:21,360 So when I started drinking, you know, I kind of started dabbling a little bit and it was 56 00:04:21,360 --> 00:04:22,660 just like a beer, a couple of beers. 57 00:04:22,900 --> 00:04:27,040 And then the first time we set out to like get drunk, I blacked out. 58 00:04:27,520 --> 00:04:29,880 Um, and I was 14 at the time. 59 00:04:29,940 --> 00:04:34,160 And then from then on, I pretty much drank, you know, for the next year, just every chance 60 00:04:34,160 --> 00:04:34,560 I got. 61 00:04:35,000 --> 00:04:37,940 Weekends, parties, holidays, things like that. 62 00:04:37,980 --> 00:04:39,240 Whenever I could get my hands on it. 63 00:04:39,360 --> 00:04:42,360 And, you know, I had a lot of friends whose parents were like mine. 64 00:04:42,460 --> 00:04:43,220 They were alcoholics. 65 00:04:43,280 --> 00:04:45,400 It was always there, always there. 66 00:04:45,560 --> 00:04:47,560 Um, and then usually, you know, young. 67 00:04:47,680 --> 00:04:52,060 Girls didn't have a hard time going to the store and handing somebody 20 bucks and getting 68 00:04:52,060 --> 00:04:54,340 a bottle or, you know, a case of beer. 69 00:04:54,540 --> 00:04:56,220 So, um, I started smoking. 70 00:04:56,460 --> 00:05:00,980 I started hanging out with, you know, older boys who could, you know, get us alcohol as 71 00:05:00,980 --> 00:05:01,340 well. 72 00:05:01,440 --> 00:05:04,820 So I was just, you know, I was just in that crowd. 73 00:05:05,420 --> 00:05:07,960 Um, and, you know, at first it was fun. 74 00:05:08,020 --> 00:05:08,660 It was partying. 75 00:05:08,740 --> 00:05:11,200 It was, you know, it was high schools, whatever. 76 00:05:11,560 --> 00:05:15,720 Um, but quickly I found out that I did not drink like other people. 77 00:05:15,720 --> 00:05:17,520 Um, because the thing is. 78 00:05:17,520 --> 00:05:22,940 For me is that when that hits my lips, I don't know when it's going to stop and I have no 79 00:05:22,940 --> 00:05:24,600 control over how much I consume. 80 00:05:24,600 --> 00:05:27,660 And so from the gate, I was a blackout drinker every time I drank. 81 00:05:27,860 --> 00:05:29,800 So I was that girl who came to school on Monday. 82 00:05:30,120 --> 00:05:32,980 Like, oh man, you know, like what did I do? 83 00:05:33,100 --> 00:05:36,000 And what am I going to find out about myself today at school? 84 00:05:36,220 --> 00:05:37,720 You know, um, I was that girl. 85 00:05:37,920 --> 00:05:40,500 Um, you know, I tried to play sports and do well in school. 86 00:05:40,640 --> 00:05:44,460 I was, I was bright and I had, you know, my future ahead of me. 87 00:05:44,520 --> 00:05:47,500 I could have done anything I wanted to do, but I, I chose to drink. 88 00:05:47,680 --> 00:05:53,660 Um, you know, I played basketball my freshman year and I was a 4.0 student and, um, it was 89 00:05:53,660 --> 00:05:55,880 a 4.0 student, I think maybe into my sophomore year. 90 00:05:55,920 --> 00:05:58,180 And then after that it was like tanking. 91 00:05:58,560 --> 00:06:05,520 Um, and that was because I chose to, you know, start partying or maybe not chose, but I started 92 00:06:05,520 --> 00:06:07,180 to drink more and more frequently. 93 00:06:07,180 --> 00:06:09,960 I couldn't contain it to just going out and drinking on the weekends. 94 00:06:09,960 --> 00:06:13,220 I was starting to ditch school, drink every night. 95 00:06:13,220 --> 00:06:17,320 Um, and you know, I was hanging out with friends who liked to do the same thing. 96 00:06:17,320 --> 00:06:22,220 So, um, and I was a young girl hanging out with, you know, men, basically not, you know, 97 00:06:22,220 --> 00:06:25,720 boys even, but men who were 21 and older who could buy me alcohol. 98 00:06:25,720 --> 00:06:30,020 Um, and then I started to get, you know, mixed up in some other substances and things like 99 00:06:30,020 --> 00:06:34,420 that, um, which obviously I'm sure, you know, didn't, didn't help my situation. 100 00:06:34,480 --> 00:06:37,960 Um, but you know, let's just say I progressed very quickly. 101 00:06:38,420 --> 00:06:47,080 Um, by the time I was 19, I, um, I had tried to move out and, you know, go to community college. 102 00:06:47,080 --> 00:06:50,060 My local community college, because that's where alcoholics like me go. 103 00:06:51,080 --> 00:06:52,580 Um, I was about an hour from home. 104 00:06:52,680 --> 00:06:56,140 I went to Reno, I went to Reno and I went to Truckee Meadows Community College. 105 00:06:56,820 --> 00:07:00,340 Um, and I live with a good, a girlfriend of mine that I've been friends with since we 106 00:07:00,340 --> 00:07:02,680 were eight years old and she was at the university. 107 00:07:03,140 --> 00:07:05,420 Um, and I drank us right out of that apartment. 108 00:07:05,720 --> 00:07:08,220 We had a choice to either pay to break our lease or be evicted. 109 00:07:08,360 --> 00:07:12,220 So, you know, we all had to shovel up the dough and her parents did at the time and 110 00:07:12,220 --> 00:07:16,540 break us out of that lease because I was drinking and driving in the complex parking lot and 111 00:07:16,540 --> 00:07:16,880 I almost hit the door. 112 00:07:16,880 --> 00:07:16,980 And I was like, I'm going to go to the parking lot. 113 00:07:16,980 --> 00:07:23,120 I hit the property manager while driving, um, and it came out of a blackout and almost 114 00:07:23,120 --> 00:07:23,940 hit someone. 115 00:07:24,240 --> 00:07:30,820 And, um, then I crashed that car on the side of the 395 freeway and then I had to quit 116 00:07:30,820 --> 00:07:32,400 my job and move back home with mom and dad. 117 00:07:32,680 --> 00:07:36,040 So, 19 years old, I was a blackout drinker. 118 00:07:36,640 --> 00:07:39,400 I didn't have a job, didn't really have very many friends anymore. 119 00:07:39,900 --> 00:07:44,480 And, um, I was at what the book talks about, that jumping off place, you know, where I 120 00:07:44,480 --> 00:07:46,140 couldn't imagine my life without alcohol. 121 00:07:46,140 --> 00:07:46,780 But I couldn't imagine my life without alcohol. 122 00:07:46,780 --> 00:07:49,660 I couldn't imagine going on, you know, living the way that I was living it anymore. 123 00:07:50,120 --> 00:07:52,460 Um, and I had tried, I had tried some therapy. 124 00:07:52,620 --> 00:07:53,940 I tried some antidepressants. 125 00:07:54,080 --> 00:07:57,700 I had been talking to my doctor about all the things that were going on with me and 126 00:07:57,700 --> 00:07:59,320 the way I was feeling about everything. 127 00:07:59,520 --> 00:08:03,520 And of course she just now kept up in the antidepressants and saying, you can't drink 128 00:08:03,520 --> 00:08:03,880 on this. 129 00:08:03,960 --> 00:08:04,760 You can't drink on this. 130 00:08:04,840 --> 00:08:05,800 You can't drink on this. 131 00:08:05,980 --> 00:08:07,060 And guess what I did? 132 00:08:07,120 --> 00:08:09,580 I drank, um, because that's what I always do. 133 00:08:09,960 --> 00:08:16,220 Um, I don't know any other way to live, you know, um, alcohol was never my problem. 134 00:08:16,220 --> 00:08:18,260 Um, alcohol is very much my solution. 135 00:08:19,040 --> 00:08:23,100 Um, it was the only thing that allowed me to, you know, just breathe. 136 00:08:23,280 --> 00:08:28,060 Um, it was a relief even knowing that I was going to be able to, um, you know, we're on 137 00:08:28,060 --> 00:08:28,860 our way to the party. 138 00:08:29,200 --> 00:08:30,380 There's enough there. 139 00:08:30,480 --> 00:08:32,620 You know, if there's not enough there, I won't even start. 140 00:08:32,860 --> 00:08:37,280 Like we got to secure the proper amount before I can even begin. 141 00:08:37,700 --> 00:08:40,160 Um, that was the kind of alcoholic I was. 142 00:08:40,640 --> 00:08:46,020 I was a very quickly from, you know, two bottles of wine to box of wine. 143 00:08:46,020 --> 00:08:46,060 Um, I was a very quickly from, you know, two bottles of wine to box of wine. 144 00:08:46,060 --> 00:08:46,200 I was a very quickly from, you know, two bottles of wine to box of wine. 145 00:08:46,220 --> 00:08:50,280 I came up with the idea of taking the bag out of the box and just drinking straight from 146 00:08:50,280 --> 00:08:50,760 the bag. 147 00:08:51,840 --> 00:08:55,620 Um, yeah, I mean, I couldn't drink beer cause I got too fat. 148 00:08:55,740 --> 00:09:00,820 So I switched to vodka and vodka tonic with lime was like the drink I ended on, you know, 149 00:09:00,820 --> 00:09:06,600 and, um, usually mixed with some other stuff, you know, and, um, that was just at a very 150 00:09:06,600 --> 00:09:07,040 young age. 151 00:09:07,060 --> 00:09:08,720 I just, you know, took off. 152 00:09:08,780 --> 00:09:13,080 So I was at that point where I just couldn't imagine my life without alcohol. 153 00:09:13,180 --> 00:09:14,380 I didn't know what else to do. 154 00:09:14,380 --> 00:09:16,040 I had been taken to a couple of AA. 155 00:09:16,040 --> 00:09:20,260 I went to AA meetings when I was about 16 because I got arrested and it was court ordered. 156 00:09:20,360 --> 00:09:21,000 I had to go. 157 00:09:21,240 --> 00:09:27,120 And so I went to, I think one meeting and they talked about shooting up heroin and smoking 158 00:09:27,120 --> 00:09:29,240 crack and I had not done those things. 159 00:09:29,660 --> 00:09:34,100 So I could not relate, um, which is why I always try to share about alcoholism when 160 00:09:34,100 --> 00:09:37,260 I share in a meeting of AA because that's our primary purpose here. 161 00:09:37,460 --> 00:09:42,380 Um, you know, although I do relate to some other things, I, you know, my primary, my 162 00:09:42,380 --> 00:09:43,900 primary thing has always been alcohol. 163 00:09:43,900 --> 00:09:48,860 Um, and so I, at 19 years old, I attempted suicide. 164 00:09:49,080 --> 00:09:54,480 I drank a bunch of alcohol and took every pill in the house and ended up in the ICU. 165 00:09:54,620 --> 00:10:00,540 I came to and, you know, restraints, leather restraints and, um, tubes coming out of everywhere. 166 00:10:00,700 --> 00:10:05,620 And it was not the first time I've had to have my stomach pumped and, um, not the first 167 00:10:05,620 --> 00:10:09,540 time I've been in the hospital, but it was the first time that I had reached that point 168 00:10:09,540 --> 00:10:11,740 where I was, I wanted to die. 169 00:10:11,740 --> 00:10:13,680 Um, and yeah, and it was a legit. 170 00:10:13,900 --> 00:10:15,060 You know, I wanted to die. 171 00:10:15,460 --> 00:10:17,160 I wrote a note, fell asleep. 172 00:10:17,400 --> 00:10:22,760 Thank God my parents found me, you know, um, and, uh, I, at that point, of course, you 173 00:10:22,760 --> 00:10:27,840 know, they put you on the 72 hour hold and, um, I got shipped off to, to treatment inpatient 174 00:10:27,840 --> 00:10:34,180 first and, um, turns out that therapy and acupuncture and massage were not the answer 175 00:10:34,180 --> 00:10:35,100 to my problem. 176 00:10:35,100 --> 00:10:37,660 Um, all those things are great. 177 00:10:38,120 --> 00:10:41,800 Um, but they don't solve or cure alcoholism. 178 00:10:42,440 --> 00:10:43,660 Um, unfortunately, right. 179 00:10:43,660 --> 00:10:44,660 Cause wouldn't that be nice. 180 00:10:46,080 --> 00:10:47,740 Um, but no, not for me. 181 00:10:47,820 --> 00:10:48,720 Um, so yeah. 182 00:10:48,720 --> 00:10:52,860 And I got, you know, I got ahold of some stuff in that treatment center, some pills or whatever 183 00:10:52,860 --> 00:10:58,020 and, you know, um, lost whatever few days I had had in there and then had to restart 184 00:10:58,020 --> 00:10:59,380 my time again when I got out. 185 00:10:59,440 --> 00:11:05,500 And, um, I stayed sober for just shy of two years and, um, I had turned 21 in sobriety 186 00:11:05,500 --> 00:11:08,300 and I started to doubt that I was an alcoholic. 187 00:11:08,300 --> 00:11:13,600 I thought maybe I was just young and maybe now that I have a job and my own apartment, 188 00:11:13,660 --> 00:11:15,580 like maybe I would be okay. 189 00:11:15,580 --> 00:11:18,900 And so slowly but surely I started to back my way out of Alcoholics Anonymous. 190 00:11:19,360 --> 00:11:21,260 I was the member of a very active group. 191 00:11:21,540 --> 00:11:22,660 Um, I had a sponsor. 192 00:11:22,760 --> 00:11:23,580 I had a sponsee. 193 00:11:23,580 --> 00:11:27,520 I had a boyfriend who was also sober and I broke up with that boyfriend. 194 00:11:27,980 --> 00:11:32,420 I stopped calling that sponsor or maybe I called her, but I leave her a message and 195 00:11:32,420 --> 00:11:37,040 I never actually pursue being, you know, current with her or anyone else. 196 00:11:37,360 --> 00:11:42,880 And, um, you know, and then I started to kind of just run away from that life that I had 197 00:11:42,880 --> 00:11:43,580 built in. 198 00:11:43,580 --> 00:11:49,660 AA, you know, and, um, I went home for the summer to, to stay with my parents and, um, 199 00:11:49,660 --> 00:11:53,220 started hanging out with some friends from high school and they said, Hey, let's go see 200 00:11:53,220 --> 00:11:53,800 this band. 201 00:11:53,920 --> 00:11:55,240 They go play at this bar. 202 00:11:55,360 --> 00:11:56,360 I'm like, yeah, sure. 203 00:11:56,480 --> 00:11:57,120 You know, I'll go. 204 00:11:57,120 --> 00:12:00,720 I'm 21 now and, um, I'll just drink, you know, water. 205 00:12:00,940 --> 00:12:01,380 It'd be fine. 206 00:12:01,560 --> 00:12:02,540 I just went to a meeting. 207 00:12:02,700 --> 00:12:08,640 I'm good, you know, and I, there I was sitting at the bar ordering a double vodka tonic and 208 00:12:08,640 --> 00:12:13,560 off I go again, you know, um, and just like old times crash my car. 209 00:12:13,720 --> 00:12:17,700 Blackout wake up or come to, you know, where am I? 210 00:12:17,800 --> 00:12:18,500 Where's my keys? 211 00:12:18,620 --> 00:12:19,260 Where's my purse? 212 00:12:19,340 --> 00:12:20,120 Where's my phone? 213 00:12:20,300 --> 00:12:21,560 How do I get out of here? 214 00:12:21,840 --> 00:12:23,900 And, um, you know, that's how I drink. 215 00:12:24,040 --> 00:12:28,920 And, uh, the next day I drink a little bit, you know, I kind of drink beers throughout 216 00:12:28,920 --> 00:12:31,860 the day just to kind of like get through and get over the hangover. 217 00:12:31,900 --> 00:12:35,460 And that night we went to the store to buy another case of beer. 218 00:12:35,600 --> 00:12:40,520 I hand my friend my, my, my $20, you know, and we're ever going to buy some alcohol and 219 00:12:40,520 --> 00:12:42,620 go figure out where we can drink, go party. 220 00:12:42,940 --> 00:12:43,540 And, um, you know, I'm like, I'm going to go to the bar. 221 00:12:43,560 --> 00:12:49,880 Um, and I, uh, walked by my best friend's mom and she said, turned at me and she said, 222 00:12:50,160 --> 00:12:52,040 Sarah, are you okay? 223 00:12:52,220 --> 00:12:52,780 Yeah, I'm good. 224 00:12:52,880 --> 00:12:53,420 You know, I'm good. 225 00:12:53,640 --> 00:12:58,400 Walk right by her and I get in line and it was like, I had that moment of clarity. 226 00:12:58,700 --> 00:13:04,140 If I do this, if I continue and I go out and I drink and I get drunk again, where does 227 00:13:04,140 --> 00:13:05,100 this end for me? 228 00:13:05,220 --> 00:13:10,800 And the picture I saw was not pretty, um, because I'm not the, like, I'm, I'm not scared 229 00:13:10,800 --> 00:13:12,260 of dying drunk. 230 00:13:12,380 --> 00:13:13,520 I'm scared of living. 231 00:13:13,560 --> 00:13:16,160 I'm scared of living every day that way for the rest of my life. 232 00:13:16,300 --> 00:13:22,660 Um, in that bleak gray existence where everything is only the way I know it to be, which is, 233 00:13:22,800 --> 00:13:25,580 is not a, is not a good way to live. 234 00:13:25,840 --> 00:13:28,860 Um, and I, and I said, can I have my $20 back? 235 00:13:29,160 --> 00:13:34,540 And I left and I went to a meeting the next morning and I can tell you that nothing has 236 00:13:34,540 --> 00:13:35,980 ever stopped me from taking a drink. 237 00:13:36,100 --> 00:13:36,380 Nothing. 238 00:13:36,380 --> 00:13:43,380 Um, not being sick, not being poor, not being inconvenienced, not being, you know, nothing. 239 00:13:43,560 --> 00:13:46,940 If, whether I was happy or I was sad, didn't matter. 240 00:13:47,380 --> 00:13:50,600 Um, I always found a way to drink always. 241 00:13:51,340 --> 00:13:56,400 Um, so I can tell you that that was not me that stopped me from taking a drink that night. 242 00:13:56,580 --> 00:14:02,280 Um, and I know now that that was, that was God for me because, um, I got sober. 243 00:14:02,500 --> 00:14:03,780 I went to a meeting the next day. 244 00:14:03,860 --> 00:14:08,440 I, you know, called all the women that I knew and that's my sobriety date, July 12th, 2009. 245 00:14:08,840 --> 00:14:13,340 Um, and, um, thank God, you know, I don't even want to imagine. 246 00:14:13,340 --> 00:14:15,200 My life without AA today. 247 00:14:15,520 --> 00:14:21,760 Um, for me, I have found another solution that it only works when I, when I, when I 248 00:14:21,760 --> 00:14:25,300 do it, you know, um, I've done a lot in sobriety. 249 00:14:25,300 --> 00:14:30,280 I've had a lot of ups and downs, um, a lot of challenges, a lot of great things. 250 00:14:30,520 --> 00:14:33,340 Um, I went back to nursing school on sobriety. 251 00:14:33,340 --> 00:14:34,780 I got married in sobriety. 252 00:14:34,840 --> 00:14:38,500 I got divorced in sobriety, um, recently actually. 253 00:14:38,500 --> 00:14:42,700 Um, but you know, I've, I love what I do. 254 00:14:42,860 --> 00:14:43,300 I have a. 255 00:14:43,340 --> 00:14:47,300 I have a three-year-old son who I get, you know, I get to be a mom to him and I don't 256 00:14:47,300 --> 00:14:51,160 have to be, you know, I don't have to be that mom that I was scared of being and I don't 257 00:14:51,160 --> 00:14:55,020 have to let that fear run my life, you know, because I've done an inventory. 258 00:14:55,460 --> 00:15:00,960 I know what my, you know, what my character traits are, my character defects, and I know 259 00:15:00,960 --> 00:15:06,220 what my kind of my patterns are, you know, um, and I get to, you know, have relationships 260 00:15:06,220 --> 00:15:09,680 today with people that, you know, I've known Terry Marie for 10 years. 261 00:15:09,760 --> 00:15:11,700 I've known Cheryl for almost just as long. 262 00:15:11,920 --> 00:15:12,980 My sponsor has been. 263 00:15:12,980 --> 00:15:14,300 My sponsor, my whole sobriety. 264 00:15:14,580 --> 00:15:16,820 And I, you know, I wouldn't have it any other way. 265 00:15:17,060 --> 00:15:21,020 Um, you know, and, um, I went through, you know, a lot with my family. 266 00:15:21,100 --> 00:15:24,320 I was not on good terms with my parents. 267 00:15:24,760 --> 00:15:31,380 Um, they had borrowed money from my dad's family and I was so like in a haze when it 268 00:15:31,380 --> 00:15:36,320 all happened, but they told me about it later, obviously, because they now had borrowed a 269 00:15:36,320 --> 00:15:40,120 significant amount of money from, you know, my dad's dad to pay for my treatment. 270 00:15:40,300 --> 00:15:42,720 Um, cause my parents, you know, they didn't have it. 271 00:15:42,720 --> 00:15:47,680 And they were just desperately trying to save their daughter, you know, and they took money 272 00:15:47,680 --> 00:15:50,160 out of here and took money out of there and all of this stuff. 273 00:15:50,340 --> 00:15:55,340 So a big part of my amends to my mom, especially my dad was like, no, forget about it. 274 00:15:55,360 --> 00:15:56,080 I don't want the money. 275 00:15:56,220 --> 00:15:57,960 And he's just that kind of guy. 276 00:15:58,020 --> 00:15:59,700 But my mom was like, no, you better. 277 00:16:00,040 --> 00:16:01,820 We got to square up, you know? 278 00:16:02,560 --> 00:16:07,080 Um, so, uh, I had to sit down with her and it, it wasn't until later in sobriety that 279 00:16:07,080 --> 00:16:11,920 I actually did make that financial amends because it started to become a problem for 280 00:16:11,920 --> 00:16:12,220 us. 281 00:16:12,340 --> 00:16:12,700 I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and 282 00:16:12,720 --> 00:16:17,380 I had to look back again and do a little 10 step about what had happened because her 283 00:16:17,380 --> 00:16:20,840 and I were starting to get at odds about financial things again. 284 00:16:21,180 --> 00:16:24,720 And it was kind of coming up that I felt that she was resentful at me about money. 285 00:16:25,120 --> 00:16:29,800 So, um, you know, so I sat down with her and I talked about to her about what she wanted 286 00:16:29,800 --> 00:16:30,340 me to do. 287 00:16:30,620 --> 00:16:35,600 I didn't come to her with my terms and I didn't, you know, come to it with any expectations. 288 00:16:35,600 --> 00:16:37,400 I said, what do I do to make this right? 289 00:16:37,420 --> 00:16:41,340 Because I feel like this is still affecting our relationship and I just wanted to clean 290 00:16:41,340 --> 00:16:41,980 it, you know? 291 00:16:41,980 --> 00:16:46,460 Um, and so I did, she told me what I could do and I did it and that's it, you know, we're 292 00:16:46,460 --> 00:16:47,600 clean with that, you know? 293 00:16:47,620 --> 00:16:52,620 And now I have the privilege of being able to like treat my parents, you know, I don't 294 00:16:52,620 --> 00:16:57,720 expect them to ever lend me money or help me with, you know, pay for my dinner, none 295 00:16:57,720 --> 00:16:58,120 of it. 296 00:16:58,300 --> 00:17:00,080 I don't ever want their money. 297 00:17:00,200 --> 00:17:02,520 And that is just that continuing amends that I try to make. 298 00:17:02,660 --> 00:17:08,060 Um, like last month, my son turned three and I got us a little cabin up at El Capitan Canyon 299 00:17:08,060 --> 00:17:11,720 in Santa Barbara for two nights and my treat, come with us, my treat. 300 00:17:11,720 --> 00:17:14,860 Um, and those are the kinds of things that I get to do for them today. 301 00:17:14,860 --> 00:17:19,520 And it's, it's really is, you know, a blessing and, um, of sobriety. 302 00:17:19,700 --> 00:17:22,620 Um, cause you know, I was not holding down a job. 303 00:17:22,760 --> 00:17:25,720 I was not even close to employable. 304 00:17:25,980 --> 00:17:32,420 Um, my own dad wouldn't even employ me when I was, you know, when I was drinking and, 305 00:17:32,520 --> 00:17:33,640 uh, doing my thing. 306 00:17:33,640 --> 00:17:37,260 So, you know, it's, and I, I'm a nurse and I love what I do. 307 00:17:37,400 --> 00:17:39,380 I legitimately love what I do. 308 00:17:39,380 --> 00:17:41,580 I go to work and, you know, I just. 309 00:17:41,720 --> 00:17:46,820 I mean, I'm actually, I like going to work, um, and it's a great feeling to know that, 310 00:17:46,820 --> 00:17:52,040 you know, sobriety led me to that where I get to every day, you know, do what I love. 311 00:17:52,320 --> 00:17:57,000 Um, you know, and obviously I've had some challenges in that career and nobody's perfect. 312 00:17:57,000 --> 00:17:58,780 You know, the other day I made a mistake. 313 00:17:58,820 --> 00:18:00,140 I mean, I've been a nurse for five years. 314 00:18:00,180 --> 00:18:04,860 I made a mistake and I can tell you that normally I would have tried to cover it up. 315 00:18:05,440 --> 00:18:10,820 And, um, cause that's, that's the, my first thought, how do I get out of like my manager 316 00:18:10,820 --> 00:18:11,700 finding out about this? 317 00:18:11,760 --> 00:18:13,480 You know, but you know what? 318 00:18:13,500 --> 00:18:14,440 I just faced up to it. 319 00:18:14,480 --> 00:18:16,280 I said, Hey, I just made this mistake. 320 00:18:16,780 --> 00:18:19,120 I don't know what, you know, and I kind of looked back. 321 00:18:19,200 --> 00:18:21,660 I had to try to explain to her what had happened. 322 00:18:21,840 --> 00:18:25,200 She called me about it and it turned out that this patient was someone that we were trying 323 00:18:25,200 --> 00:18:27,820 to like give excellent above, you know, care to. 324 00:18:27,920 --> 00:18:33,200 And it was like, but I just was honest, you know, this is what happened and this is how 325 00:18:33,200 --> 00:18:38,000 I will keep, you know, prevent it from happening again was the big part, um, which I find a 326 00:18:38,000 --> 00:18:39,900 lot of the times is the huge part of amends. 327 00:18:39,900 --> 00:18:41,160 I know what I've done. 328 00:18:41,160 --> 00:18:48,240 But to understand how I keep from repeating it is the huge part of, of amends, um, for 329 00:18:48,240 --> 00:18:52,160 me, um, because I'm one of those people that just, I'll just keep doing it over and over 330 00:18:52,160 --> 00:18:52,460 again. 331 00:18:52,660 --> 00:18:54,320 You know, my whole life, that's what I've done. 332 00:18:54,420 --> 00:18:57,280 It's all I know how to do is just keep doing things the way I've been doing them. 333 00:18:57,600 --> 00:19:02,180 But until I sit down and I do a thorough, you know, now I do a 10 step because I've 334 00:19:02,180 --> 00:19:05,840 done my steps, um, I've done that fourth and fifth with my sponsor. 335 00:19:06,260 --> 00:19:10,640 And, um, you know, now when I have something crop up, I do a 10 step with her, you know, 336 00:19:10,640 --> 00:19:15,000 whether it's just a quickie over the phone, you know, I got this going on and what do 337 00:19:15,000 --> 00:19:15,720 I do about it? 338 00:19:15,740 --> 00:19:17,940 I'm not seeing what, you know, where I'm at with it. 339 00:19:18,160 --> 00:19:23,440 Um, you know, and then I can kind of get some clarity, you know, on my part and where I'm 340 00:19:23,440 --> 00:19:24,040 going wrong. 341 00:19:24,100 --> 00:19:30,320 Cause you know, the book says if we have a, if we have a problem or an issue in any kind 342 00:19:30,320 --> 00:19:32,060 of circumstance, it's us. 343 00:19:32,060 --> 00:19:36,920 And that's a pretty hard, you know, hard pill to swallow is that in every circumstance, 344 00:19:36,920 --> 00:19:40,240 there's a way to find, find my part. 345 00:19:40,640 --> 00:19:46,780 Um, and a lot of the times it's me driven by, by fear, you know, um, and a lot of the 346 00:19:46,780 --> 00:19:51,840 problems in my life have been self-created because I'm selfish and I'm self-centered 347 00:19:51,840 --> 00:19:53,600 and I want to do what feels good now. 348 00:19:53,600 --> 00:19:54,800 And I want what I want. 349 00:19:54,800 --> 00:20:00,020 And I, um, you know, I try to use material things to, to fill that, that hole when I'm 350 00:20:00,020 --> 00:20:01,840 not actively pursuing God. 351 00:20:02,040 --> 00:20:06,640 Um, and I've gone through, you know, those ups and downs in sobriety where, you know, 352 00:20:06,680 --> 00:20:10,620 in nursing school, I was pulling like 80 hour weeks and not. 353 00:20:10,620 --> 00:20:14,580 I was not sleeping and I barely, you know, I made it to like two meetings a week and 354 00:20:14,580 --> 00:20:16,660 it was just, you know, insanity. 355 00:20:17,260 --> 00:20:22,260 And, um, you know, it was a, it was like one of those rough patches and it's weird how 356 00:20:22,260 --> 00:20:23,260 it just kind of ripples out. 357 00:20:23,340 --> 00:20:27,800 It's like every part of your life starts to be affected by me just running on my self 358 00:20:27,800 --> 00:20:30,340 will and, you know, only thinking of me. 359 00:20:30,620 --> 00:20:34,680 Um, and you know, I, like I said, I got married in sobriety. 360 00:20:34,820 --> 00:20:36,180 I got married very young. 361 00:20:36,740 --> 00:20:39,740 Um, I was, I was 22, 22. 362 00:20:39,740 --> 00:20:40,600 I was like 22. 363 00:20:40,620 --> 00:20:41,220 You're sober. 364 00:20:41,420 --> 00:20:45,600 I had, you know, gotten back together with this boyfriend I was with before I went out 365 00:20:45,600 --> 00:20:49,520 and drank and, and then we started dating right when I got sober again. 366 00:20:50,060 --> 00:20:55,900 Um, and, um, yeah, I mean, we, we had one of those relationships that was like great, 367 00:20:56,020 --> 00:21:01,260 but then it was like extremely the other, you know, it was very up and down. 368 00:21:01,720 --> 00:21:06,260 Um, and a lot, you know, a lot, it happened and eventually towards the end, it was like 369 00:21:06,260 --> 00:21:07,800 we had all this stuff. 370 00:21:07,800 --> 00:21:10,360 We had the house and the car and beautiful. 371 00:21:10,360 --> 00:21:11,020 Beautiful baby boy. 372 00:21:11,040 --> 00:21:15,960 And we're both working, you know, working our butts off, trying to maintain this whole, 373 00:21:16,320 --> 00:21:16,960 this whole life. 374 00:21:16,960 --> 00:21:19,520 But on the inside, our, you know, our marriage is falling apart. 375 00:21:19,920 --> 00:21:25,580 Um, you know, we were not both, I mean, we were in AA going to meetings, I mean, but, 376 00:21:25,580 --> 00:21:29,820 you know, whether or not we were practicing those principles inside our home, um, and 377 00:21:29,820 --> 00:21:32,740 in our lives, um, was the issue. 378 00:21:33,360 --> 00:21:37,360 And so, you know, we went through a divorce over this last year. 379 00:21:37,440 --> 00:21:38,760 We, you know, we were fine. 380 00:21:38,880 --> 00:21:40,000 We finalized everything. 381 00:21:40,000 --> 00:21:40,680 This year. 382 00:21:41,040 --> 00:21:43,440 And, um, it's been a, you know, it's been a tough road. 383 00:21:43,760 --> 00:21:47,340 Um, divorce is never something that I thought would happen to me. 384 00:21:47,740 --> 00:21:49,920 Obviously, I don't think anyone plans on that happening. 385 00:21:50,020 --> 00:21:54,300 And I, you know, I went through a period where I felt like it was against the traditions 386 00:21:54,300 --> 00:22:00,040 that we learned in AA and I had a really hard time accepting that, you know, that, you know, 387 00:22:00,040 --> 00:22:02,820 we're supposed to be forgiving and we're supposed to be loving and tolerant. 388 00:22:03,220 --> 00:22:03,580 Right. 389 00:22:03,960 --> 00:22:09,180 Um, but it turned out that regardless of those principles that I had to take care of myself 390 00:22:09,180 --> 00:22:09,960 and take care of myself. 391 00:22:09,960 --> 00:22:13,440 I had to take care of my son and, and do what my sponsor was directing me to do. 392 00:22:13,620 --> 00:22:18,220 Um, and because towards the end, it was not a healthy situation for me to be in or my 393 00:22:18,220 --> 00:22:19,040 son to be in. 394 00:22:19,220 --> 00:22:24,120 So, um, you know, it was very hard to make that decision and it's still hard. 395 00:22:24,440 --> 00:22:25,080 It's still hard. 396 00:22:25,140 --> 00:22:26,300 It's still very, very hard. 397 00:22:26,840 --> 00:22:32,220 Um, and I, it's definitely, I have to, you know, I am closer to God today than I have 398 00:22:32,220 --> 00:22:37,220 ever, ever been because I have to be, because there's no way I could have stayed sober through 399 00:22:37,220 --> 00:22:37,480 that. 400 00:22:37,640 --> 00:22:38,400 There's no way. 401 00:22:38,400 --> 00:22:39,000 Um, you know, when I wake up in the morning, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm 402 00:22:39,000 --> 00:22:40,420 like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm 403 00:22:40,420 --> 00:22:42,620 I read my prayer meditation. 404 00:22:42,840 --> 00:22:44,640 I read my third step in seven step prayer. 405 00:22:44,780 --> 00:22:50,240 And I read the St. Francis of Assisi prayer, which helps me a lot when, you know, um, 406 00:22:50,240 --> 00:22:55,220 because every day things we're raising a child together, I still am very much, you know, 407 00:22:55,260 --> 00:22:57,720 involved with this person that I couldn't stay married to. 408 00:22:58,020 --> 00:23:02,620 Um, and so, you know, I have to practice these principles in that relationship every single 409 00:23:02,620 --> 00:23:04,020 day, every single day. 410 00:23:04,100 --> 00:23:08,380 Um, you know, and I really had to take a hard, hard look at myself. 411 00:23:08,380 --> 00:23:18,600 which is not always fun. But I feel like this pain and this suffering that has happened over 412 00:23:18,600 --> 00:23:25,880 the last year has really forced me out of where I was, which is where I was just resting on my 413 00:23:25,880 --> 00:23:31,740 laurels. And I had all this stuff on the outside to make it look like I was doing okay. And over 414 00:23:31,740 --> 00:23:36,720 the last year, I've gotten closer with people that I've allowed myself to be vulnerable and 415 00:23:36,720 --> 00:23:42,980 open and honest, which I realized that I probably wasn't doing my first eight years of sobriety. I 416 00:23:42,980 --> 00:23:50,400 was never really honest about who I was. I was never vulnerable to the point that I let people 417 00:23:50,400 --> 00:23:57,640 know what was going on with me. And that's a really painful, lonely place to be. And I realized 418 00:23:57,640 --> 00:24:05,520 that I could not stay sober like that anymore, that I didn't want to. And now I work full time, 419 00:24:05,520 --> 00:24:06,480 I work night shift. 420 00:24:06,720 --> 00:24:14,620 And I'm like nurse by day, mommy by night. Or no, mommy by day, nurse by night. And I sleep for a few 421 00:24:14,620 --> 00:24:21,280 hours here and there. But I make it to meetings. I make it to meetings no matter what. And I call 422 00:24:21,280 --> 00:24:28,640 my sponsor no matter what. And I do my prayer and meditation no matter what. And even if sometimes 423 00:24:28,640 --> 00:24:34,020 because I work nights and then I wake up at like 1230, I go get my son and every day is like so 424 00:24:34,360 --> 00:24:36,600 crazy. Even if it's five o'clock at night, 425 00:24:36,720 --> 00:24:40,980 I'm sitting down to have dinner with him. And I haven't done my prayer and meditation yet. I do it. 426 00:24:41,040 --> 00:24:46,880 I do it then. Because for me, it's like it's never too late to just calm myself down, 427 00:24:47,440 --> 00:24:52,180 stop the madness, and just connect with God for at least five minutes, you know. 428 00:24:53,220 --> 00:24:58,440 Because I've, you know, I want to be that mom that my son deserves. I don't want to be that 429 00:24:58,440 --> 00:25:04,640 crazy, neurotic, emotional wreck, you know. I want to have that emotional sobriety and maturity. I 430 00:25:04,640 --> 00:25:06,240 want to show that to him. 431 00:25:06,720 --> 00:25:11,740 You know, I didn't have that growing up, you know. And that's something that was such a big 432 00:25:11,740 --> 00:25:16,580 deal for me when he was born. I wanted to show him what that was like to have a loving, connected 433 00:25:16,580 --> 00:25:21,440 relationship with your mother, you know. And I wanted to show him what it was really like to, 434 00:25:21,540 --> 00:25:28,460 you know, to be a kid. Let him be a kid, you know. And so we do a lot of fun stuff. Every chance I 435 00:25:28,460 --> 00:25:33,800 get with him, it's just, you know, he does swim lessons twice a week. We go to the YMCA and we 436 00:25:33,800 --> 00:25:38,720 play and we do all this. We travel. We go see my parents. We go see my brother in Portland. 437 00:25:39,080 --> 00:25:44,180 We just went up to Monterey a couple months ago. I mean, as much as I can do to just make 438 00:25:44,180 --> 00:25:49,600 his life, you know, just a beautiful thing. It's like, that's my biggest gift of sobriety right 439 00:25:49,600 --> 00:25:54,700 there. You know, it's such a privilege to be able to come and speak at these meetings because it 440 00:25:54,700 --> 00:25:59,800 reminds me, you know. I feel like I live out in Thousand Oaks and a lot of the meetings that I go 441 00:25:59,800 --> 00:26:03,740 to are what people, we're talking about people complaining, you know. Complaining, 442 00:26:03,800 --> 00:26:10,440 about their lives. And it's like, come on, you know. Look at where we came from. We forget, 443 00:26:10,780 --> 00:26:15,740 you know. Especially when you've been sober a while. It's really easy to like look at someone 444 00:26:15,740 --> 00:26:19,820 who's drunk in a meeting and be like, oh my God, you know, like what does this person do? But it 445 00:26:19,820 --> 00:26:25,820 happens. Like people roll their eyes at alcoholics drunk in a meeting of AA, right? It's ridiculous, 446 00:26:26,140 --> 00:26:32,060 but it happens. And, you know, it's my job to turn around to that newcomer and say, hey, 447 00:26:32,060 --> 00:26:33,600 you know, I'm Sarah. How are you doing? 448 00:26:33,800 --> 00:26:38,480 Here's my number. Call me, you know. And that's what I do when I go to a meeting. I have to get 449 00:26:38,480 --> 00:26:46,100 out of myself because I am in this business all day long and it's not fun. And, you know, and 450 00:26:46,100 --> 00:26:54,060 what a blessing because I've watched my sponsor of 10 years who is now almost 45 years sober. 451 00:26:54,520 --> 00:27:02,160 She has been struggling with ALS for the last six years, amazingly enough. She is quite a trooper. 452 00:27:02,780 --> 00:27:03,780 And, you know, I've been trying to get her to come to me. I've been trying to get her to come to me. I've been 453 00:27:03,780 --> 00:27:07,160 trying to get her to come to me. I saw her go from the person that she was to the person that she is 454 00:27:07,160 --> 00:27:17,040 now. And although her body is, you know, completely changed, she is more a God-centered and spiritual 455 00:27:17,040 --> 00:27:24,400 person today than I have ever known her to be. And she has helped me tremendously through this. 456 00:27:24,780 --> 00:27:31,280 When I would call her with my problems and all the stuff that he was doing, it was, Sarah, 457 00:27:31,280 --> 00:27:33,560 you need to have a bigger God in your life. 458 00:27:33,780 --> 00:27:39,620 Like, okay. Okay. You know, like, I guess I'll just work on that then, you know. And that was her 459 00:27:39,620 --> 00:27:46,360 answer to everything. Sarah, you need to have a bigger God in your life. And so that's what I'm 460 00:27:46,360 --> 00:27:51,780 trying to do. So when I don't want to speak at a meeting, I say yes. And when I don't want to, 461 00:27:52,120 --> 00:27:56,660 you know, get up and say hi to that newcomer and give her my number, I say yes. When I don't want 462 00:27:56,660 --> 00:28:03,480 to sponsor that woman who's the chronically relapser at my home group, I say yes. Because I, 463 00:28:03,780 --> 00:28:09,360 don't forget, you know, I don't want to forget how bad it was and what it was like for me 464 00:28:09,360 --> 00:28:16,440 out there. And I genuinely, no matter how hard life has been in sobriety, I wouldn't trade it. 465 00:28:16,500 --> 00:28:23,900 I wouldn't. And, you know, when I, and I look forward to, you know, being able to pass that 466 00:28:23,900 --> 00:28:28,820 message along, like the way my sponsor passed it on to me, you know. I did my fourth and fifth 467 00:28:28,820 --> 00:28:33,460 with her and she's the only person on this planet that knows every single thing about me. And she's 468 00:28:33,460 --> 00:28:38,240 only person I've ever known that has been able to say things the way I needed to hear them. 469 00:28:38,500 --> 00:28:42,940 And she knows when to be soft and she knows when to be, you know, get it done, Sarah, 470 00:28:43,040 --> 00:28:48,960 do what you gotta do. You know, and she hasn't really given, given me much direction or like 471 00:28:48,960 --> 00:28:55,760 told me how to do things much, but she showed me, she showed me. And it's a real, you know, 472 00:28:56,180 --> 00:29:00,060 I have many blessings in my life, but one of the biggest ones is that I've been sponsored by her 473 00:29:00,060 --> 00:29:05,060 all this time. And that during this time in her life, I get to offer to be of service to her 474 00:29:05,060 --> 00:29:09,540 because our relationship is not always about what she's giving to me and how she's helping me. It's 475 00:29:09,540 --> 00:29:15,640 about me returning that favor to her now. And I have a lot of other women I can talk to and ask 476 00:29:15,640 --> 00:29:20,640 for advice. And, you know, when it comes to my sponsor, I call her and I ask her, how are you 477 00:29:20,640 --> 00:29:25,000 doing? I don't immediately dive into all my problems and my issues. How are you doing today? 478 00:29:25,540 --> 00:29:29,820 Because she has done much more than that for me. And that's what, you know, 479 00:29:30,060 --> 00:29:34,560 for me, that's how I just show her that I'm so grateful for everything she's done for me. 480 00:29:34,960 --> 00:29:41,500 Um, so yeah, I mean, it's been, it's been an interesting year this year. Um, our Cheryl is, 481 00:29:41,640 --> 00:29:47,300 um, a very, very special person and she's been a very, um, it's been hard watching her go through 482 00:29:47,300 --> 00:29:52,200 the last year, especially we were just talking about that in the car. Um, but she's, you know, 483 00:29:52,240 --> 00:29:56,000 she'd see Friday night, we're bringing this meeting and all these women come almost too many, 484 00:29:56,260 --> 00:29:59,780 too many people come now. I'm kidding. Um, but you know, 485 00:30:00,060 --> 00:30:04,600 she, she just, she just keeps doing it. She just keeps getting up in the morning. She keeps 486 00:30:04,600 --> 00:30:10,580 praying to God. She keeps doing it no matter how much her body fails her, you know? And, um, she has 487 00:30:10,580 --> 00:30:17,520 literally given up her, her will to God. And, um, it's, it's, it's heart wrench. It's, you know, 488 00:30:17,520 --> 00:30:23,780 it's heart wrenching, but it's, it's an amazing thing to see. Um, and, um, so I'm pretty much 489 00:30:23,780 --> 00:30:29,760 like I'm done guys. Um, so I want to thank you again for having me. 490 00:30:30,060 --> 00:30:31,240 And, um, thank you all.