1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:03,440 Now, I would like to introduce our main speaker, Robert M. 2 00:00:03,440 --> 00:00:04,440 Thank you. 3 00:00:04,440 --> 00:00:09,120 Hi, my name is Robert McQuinn, I'm an alcoholic, grateful to God and Alcoholics Anonymous for 4 00:00:09,120 --> 00:00:14,540 my life, and I can't believe I'm sober today, you know, it's just, God, I want to thank 5 00:00:14,540 --> 00:00:20,060 or welcome the two newcomers here that raised their hands, and those who don't, but, and 6 00:00:20,060 --> 00:00:21,700 thank you, Joyce, for your share. 7 00:00:21,700 --> 00:00:25,580 That was just such a great share, I identify with a lot of that stuff, and Tom, thank you 8 00:00:25,580 --> 00:00:29,600 for your share, and Alex, thank you for asking me to speak. 9 00:00:29,600 --> 00:00:34,520 You know, it's an honor to speak in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, and where's Nancy? 10 00:00:34,520 --> 00:00:39,220 Nancy, thank you for showing me around and being such a good greeter. 11 00:00:39,220 --> 00:00:46,140 You know, one of my home groups is Pacific Group, and that's what we do, you know, we 12 00:00:46,140 --> 00:00:52,720 welcome the newcomers, and we have those speaker people that we actually show the speakers 13 00:00:52,720 --> 00:00:58,440 and make them comfortable in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, and anyway, goodness, 14 00:00:58,440 --> 00:00:59,440 where do I start? 15 00:00:59,440 --> 00:01:00,280 From the beginning, right? 16 00:01:00,400 --> 00:01:05,060 You know, when I came in, I loved to drink, first of all, you know, Chuck C., and so does 17 00:01:05,060 --> 00:01:10,380 the book, say, you know, let's talk about the problem, and I didn't see it as a problem, 18 00:01:10,520 --> 00:01:17,440 I loved to drink, I loved the bars, I loved the women, I loved the music, I loved Long 19 00:01:17,440 --> 00:01:22,000 Island iced teas, God, I just love alcohol, man, I just do. 20 00:01:22,220 --> 00:01:28,380 God, back in the days, man, when, I'm a native Californian, one of those rare breeds, you 21 00:01:28,380 --> 00:01:29,320 know, born and raised. 22 00:01:29,440 --> 00:01:36,500 I had a really fun time drinking, you know, back when we had big daddies down there in 23 00:01:36,500 --> 00:01:43,420 Marina Del Rey and all these wonderful places, and, you know, it just, until it cut me to 24 00:01:43,420 --> 00:01:45,760 ribbons, just like the big book talked about, you know. 25 00:01:46,200 --> 00:01:51,820 I'm the type of drinker they talk about on page 21, and I'm the Jekyll and Hyde type, 26 00:01:52,160 --> 00:01:57,260 you know, and, you know, I do horrible, tragic things when I'm drinking, and things that 27 00:01:57,260 --> 00:01:58,820 I would, you know, they're unforgivable. 28 00:01:59,440 --> 00:02:05,840 And when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous, I came in here on a court card, and let me 29 00:02:05,840 --> 00:02:10,180 tell you something, is that I couldn't identify with you guys. 30 00:02:10,500 --> 00:02:16,920 You guys went to school, had homes, and wives, and husbands, and all these things, you know. 31 00:02:17,360 --> 00:02:24,780 I'm an old two-strike felon, and been to prison, jail countless times. 32 00:02:24,780 --> 00:02:26,960 My first DUI was in 1974. 33 00:02:27,540 --> 00:02:29,060 My last one was right over here. 34 00:02:29,440 --> 00:02:31,740 It was off over here at the Copper Bucket. 35 00:02:32,000 --> 00:02:33,300 I just loved that place. 36 00:02:33,360 --> 00:02:35,900 It was just that place where you felt comfortable, you know. 37 00:02:36,480 --> 00:02:39,880 And that was in 2004, October 26, 2004. 38 00:02:39,880 --> 00:02:45,900 I was caught going down the freeway, 148 miles an hour in a Corvette. 39 00:02:46,860 --> 00:02:50,670 You know, I found a hostage. 40 00:02:52,310 --> 00:02:55,950 You know, don't ever get involved with me while I'm drinking, you know. 41 00:02:56,150 --> 00:02:59,550 I found this lady, and I went home. 42 00:02:59,570 --> 00:03:03,810 We're there that night, and she had an open bar at her house, and she said, 43 00:03:03,890 --> 00:03:07,390 I'm tired of all the boys having all the nice toys, and she opened the garage door, 44 00:03:07,490 --> 00:03:10,070 and she had a white Corvette that she just bought. 45 00:03:10,490 --> 00:03:12,790 And she says, let's go for a ride down the coast. 46 00:03:13,370 --> 00:03:16,310 And this is October 26, 2004. 47 00:03:16,850 --> 00:03:18,710 And so, you know, I always need a sponsor. 48 00:03:19,290 --> 00:03:23,530 You know, I need someone to sponsor me when I'm drinking, because usually I don't have 49 00:03:23,530 --> 00:03:25,550 any money or resources, you know what I mean? 50 00:03:25,550 --> 00:03:28,230 So I'll saddle up to you, you know. 51 00:03:29,570 --> 00:03:36,450 So, you know, off we went in this damn Corvette, and we're going down the 134, and I didn't 52 00:03:36,450 --> 00:03:37,730 realize how fast I was going. 53 00:03:37,850 --> 00:03:39,190 It had this little computer screen. 54 00:03:39,290 --> 00:03:41,150 I'm not used to driving anything that nice. 55 00:03:42,810 --> 00:03:47,290 And the next thing you know, I watched the speedometer, and I was driving with one eye 56 00:03:47,290 --> 00:03:48,130 open, one eye closed. 57 00:03:48,250 --> 00:03:50,030 I don't know if any of you guys do that stuff. 58 00:03:50,070 --> 00:03:53,390 Otherwise, if I have both eyes open, I'm like cross-eyed. 59 00:03:54,250 --> 00:03:55,630 And I mean, I'm drunk. 60 00:03:55,810 --> 00:03:56,430 I'm drunk. 61 00:03:56,490 --> 00:03:57,310 And I'm on parole. 62 00:03:58,370 --> 00:03:59,410 And they pulled me out. 63 00:03:59,410 --> 00:03:59,450 They pulled me out. 64 00:03:59,450 --> 00:03:59,490 They pulled me out. 65 00:03:59,490 --> 00:04:00,190 They pulled me over. 66 00:04:01,370 --> 00:04:03,410 And CHP comes up. 67 00:04:03,530 --> 00:04:05,030 They're, how much have you had a drink? 68 00:04:05,070 --> 00:04:06,930 And I said, oh, maybe one, you know, or two. 69 00:04:07,270 --> 00:04:07,730 I said, why? 70 00:04:08,170 --> 00:04:10,530 And they said, you know how fast you were going? 71 00:04:10,610 --> 00:04:13,550 And I says, you know, geez. 72 00:04:14,230 --> 00:04:17,330 Anyway, it was just crazy, crazy stuff, man. 73 00:04:17,450 --> 00:04:22,050 And I'll never forget the look on that lady's face when he came back to the car, and he 74 00:04:22,050 --> 00:04:22,450 ran me. 75 00:04:22,530 --> 00:04:24,550 And he says, you're on parole. 76 00:04:24,650 --> 00:04:27,330 And then that lady looked over at him, and he's, he is. 77 00:04:27,530 --> 00:04:29,190 Like, oh, God. 78 00:04:29,190 --> 00:04:30,010 What did I pick? 79 00:04:30,770 --> 00:04:31,130 Anyway. 80 00:04:32,690 --> 00:04:34,850 You know, I had this wonderful family, man. 81 00:04:34,970 --> 00:04:38,810 And my folks are originally from Tennessee. 82 00:04:39,490 --> 00:04:40,750 My dad was, anyway. 83 00:04:41,110 --> 00:04:42,970 My mom went to Hollywood High over here. 84 00:04:42,970 --> 00:04:45,790 She was born and raised over here in Los Feliz. 85 00:04:46,150 --> 00:04:46,730 Beautiful home. 86 00:04:47,050 --> 00:04:47,630 Beautiful people. 87 00:04:47,930 --> 00:04:53,450 My dad, on the other hand, came from a family out there where they, my grandma used to talk 88 00:04:53,450 --> 00:04:55,630 to me, you know, when I was just a little boy. 89 00:04:55,810 --> 00:04:58,110 And she'd be out there on the back porch snapping peas. 90 00:04:58,430 --> 00:04:59,070 And she'd tell me. 91 00:04:59,070 --> 00:05:02,690 And she'd tell me about Tennessee back in those days, and that they had these, that 92 00:05:02,690 --> 00:05:03,730 they had dirt floors. 93 00:05:03,990 --> 00:05:05,670 I said, Grandma, how'd they keep those clean? 94 00:05:05,730 --> 00:05:07,410 And she says, oh, they were hard-packed, honey. 95 00:05:08,070 --> 00:05:08,210 You know. 96 00:05:08,890 --> 00:05:13,670 And, you know, and her husband died from alcohol, you know. 97 00:05:13,890 --> 00:05:15,850 And I watched her walk through that. 98 00:05:15,950 --> 00:05:16,950 She was a woman of faith. 99 00:05:17,130 --> 00:05:19,770 And I watched, she also lost a couple children. 100 00:05:19,910 --> 00:05:20,750 She had 11 children. 101 00:05:20,910 --> 00:05:24,010 And she lost a couple of them to this disease, including my father. 102 00:05:24,150 --> 00:05:27,250 But she always would have a song in her heart, you know. 103 00:05:27,250 --> 00:05:28,650 One of those kind of women that. 104 00:05:29,070 --> 00:05:30,790 But just had this great faith, you know. 105 00:05:30,870 --> 00:05:32,590 And she'd always be singing hymns. 106 00:05:32,710 --> 00:05:35,290 Anyway, one day I was maybe seven or six years old. 107 00:05:35,370 --> 00:05:39,150 And I went out to her and I says, Grandma, I said, do you think I'll go to heaven? 108 00:05:39,430 --> 00:05:40,910 And she says, oh, honey. 109 00:05:41,310 --> 00:05:43,750 She says, Jesus loves you, you know. 110 00:05:43,970 --> 00:05:45,230 She says, of course you will. 111 00:05:45,230 --> 00:05:46,690 And I'll never want to forget that. 112 00:05:46,770 --> 00:05:50,590 Because she always had a joy in her heart, no matter what happened in life, you know. 113 00:05:50,870 --> 00:05:52,830 I couldn't understand it until I got sober. 114 00:05:53,350 --> 00:05:56,150 You know, she had a power greater than herself that she believed in. 115 00:05:56,610 --> 00:05:59,050 And that she was, she was at peace. 116 00:05:59,110 --> 00:06:00,030 She was at peace with a lot of things. 117 00:06:00,270 --> 00:06:00,990 And she was happy. 118 00:06:01,290 --> 00:06:10,230 In any event, she used to do these little kind things like send me and my three sisters to Bible school, Bible camp, and all that kind of stuff. 119 00:06:10,310 --> 00:06:14,050 I was the only kid in the whole thing that we were sent up there to Idlewild. 120 00:06:14,450 --> 00:06:16,110 And it would be for a whole week. 121 00:06:16,210 --> 00:06:18,990 There'd be horseback riding and swimming and all this kind of stuff. 122 00:06:19,050 --> 00:06:19,650 And where's Bobby? 123 00:06:19,710 --> 00:06:23,510 He's out there smoking, you know, somewhere and missing all the events. 124 00:06:25,150 --> 00:06:28,890 You know, I know today I was bodily indifferent from my fellows, you know. 125 00:06:29,070 --> 00:06:31,710 I was just strangely odd, you know. 126 00:06:32,030 --> 00:06:36,350 Even when I got sober, people would come up to me and say, how are you doing? 127 00:06:36,410 --> 00:06:38,310 And I'd say, that's none of your business. 128 00:06:38,470 --> 00:06:40,290 That's a personal question, you know. 129 00:06:40,870 --> 00:06:42,310 And they'd say, have a nice day. 130 00:06:42,330 --> 00:06:45,510 And I'd tell them, hey, listen, I'll have any kind of day I want. 131 00:06:45,650 --> 00:06:47,310 I was like cactus when I came in here. 132 00:06:48,210 --> 00:06:51,350 You know, I had a good upbringing. 133 00:06:51,350 --> 00:06:53,530 I was out there in Glendora. 134 00:06:54,010 --> 00:06:57,710 And at one point in time, my dad came home drunk from Tennessee. 135 00:06:58,470 --> 00:06:58,970 And I was out there. 136 00:06:58,970 --> 00:06:58,990 And I was out there. 137 00:06:58,990 --> 00:06:59,030 And I was out there. 138 00:06:59,030 --> 00:06:59,050 And I was out there. 139 00:06:59,050 --> 00:06:59,070 And I was out there. 140 00:06:59,070 --> 00:07:01,510 And I found out later on that he was abusive to my mom. 141 00:07:02,350 --> 00:07:10,090 And so he, my mom had, one of his sisters actually put up the money to move me and my 142 00:07:10,090 --> 00:07:14,970 three sisters away from my father before he came home. 143 00:07:15,250 --> 00:07:17,450 And he was on a drunk out there in Tennessee. 144 00:07:17,450 --> 00:07:18,650 And he was coming back home. 145 00:07:18,670 --> 00:07:20,130 And he came home to an empty house. 146 00:07:20,250 --> 00:07:21,510 And I know that he was a drunk. 147 00:07:21,650 --> 00:07:25,910 He probably just drank himself into, you know, into oblivion over that kind of stuff. 148 00:07:25,970 --> 00:07:26,850 He loved his kids. 149 00:07:27,110 --> 00:07:28,290 And I know that for a fact. 150 00:07:28,290 --> 00:07:29,030 And I miss my dad. 151 00:07:29,030 --> 00:07:29,430 And I miss my dad. 152 00:07:29,850 --> 00:07:36,370 And, you know, I was awarded a Bible in 1965 for knowing the Ten Commandments by heart. 153 00:07:36,850 --> 00:07:40,870 And later on, I went and broke all those commandments. 154 00:07:41,650 --> 00:07:44,030 And I know that today. 155 00:07:44,190 --> 00:07:49,150 You know, a couple years ago, you know, I was going up and visiting somebody in county jail 156 00:07:49,150 --> 00:07:52,170 and with another member of Alcoholics Anonymous. 157 00:07:52,490 --> 00:07:55,790 And I thought I left my car door unlocked. 158 00:07:55,790 --> 00:07:58,950 And this person in Alcoholics Anonymous says, oh, well, 159 00:07:58,950 --> 00:08:00,510 you don't have anything to worry about. 160 00:08:00,590 --> 00:08:01,870 You've made all your amends, haven't you? 161 00:08:01,890 --> 00:08:04,030 And I says, oh, wait a minute. 162 00:08:04,210 --> 00:08:06,870 See, I stole the PA system out of that church. 163 00:08:08,810 --> 00:08:10,550 We were going to start a little band, you know. 164 00:08:10,570 --> 00:08:11,910 And I says, oh, God, you know what? 165 00:08:12,170 --> 00:08:13,950 I said, I've approached them several times. 166 00:08:14,010 --> 00:08:15,390 They wouldn't take my money, you know. 167 00:08:15,470 --> 00:08:19,790 And I, you know, I've been trying to make amends to this church, man, for a long time. 168 00:08:20,350 --> 00:08:24,830 And finally, you know, it just bugged me enough, man, where I had several hundred dollars put in a drawer 169 00:08:24,830 --> 00:08:26,290 just to, you know, have it there. 170 00:08:26,290 --> 00:08:27,330 And I said, you know what? 171 00:08:27,350 --> 00:08:28,530 I'm just going to go over there and give them. 172 00:08:28,530 --> 00:08:31,530 Give them some money and make them take it, you know. 173 00:08:31,550 --> 00:08:35,810 And so I went over there a few years ago and I approached them one more time. 174 00:08:35,870 --> 00:08:37,510 This is the third time I went to that church. 175 00:08:38,590 --> 00:08:39,990 And you know what? 176 00:08:40,070 --> 00:08:43,170 The lady that was the pastor of the church says, you know what? 177 00:08:43,510 --> 00:08:45,950 She says, our PA system was just stolen. 178 00:08:46,550 --> 00:08:48,030 So I like it. 179 00:08:48,050 --> 00:08:50,650 I watch how God's timing is with that stuff, you know. 180 00:08:51,250 --> 00:08:54,770 Anyway, you know, once my dad was out of the picture 181 00:08:54,770 --> 00:08:58,730 and my mom was working two jobs on welfare. 182 00:08:58,730 --> 00:09:00,390 We were living in South San Gabriel. 183 00:09:00,670 --> 00:09:07,170 And I go from this little white town in Glendora and get moved in the middle of San Gabriel. 184 00:09:07,510 --> 00:09:10,930 And when I went and they threw me into, I was in junior high in there, 185 00:09:11,070 --> 00:09:12,610 but they threw me back in elementary. 186 00:09:12,950 --> 00:09:16,750 Now, I walked onto the school campus and they had just had a talk. 187 00:09:16,950 --> 00:09:17,990 This is mid-year. 188 00:09:18,470 --> 00:09:21,030 And my dad always made me have crew cuts, you know. 189 00:09:21,170 --> 00:09:22,250 I hated crew cuts. 190 00:09:22,690 --> 00:09:24,630 Anyway, he always had. 191 00:09:24,630 --> 00:09:25,550 I had one too, you know. 192 00:09:25,810 --> 00:09:31,110 Anyway, so I walk in the middle of the year and they just had a talk about 193 00:09:31,110 --> 00:09:34,230 they were going to have student police walking the campus. 194 00:09:34,610 --> 00:09:35,850 And so I fit that bill. 195 00:09:36,190 --> 00:09:39,310 As soon as I arrived there, all my crap went up on the school roof. 196 00:09:39,350 --> 00:09:41,930 And I said, man, I'm never going to that damn school again. 197 00:09:42,390 --> 00:09:43,330 And I didn't. 198 00:09:43,510 --> 00:09:44,050 I didn't. 199 00:09:44,270 --> 00:09:46,590 I ditched school and found some lower companions, 200 00:09:46,810 --> 00:09:50,350 people that were doing home invasions and stuff like that, you know. 201 00:09:51,450 --> 00:09:54,470 Joyce was talking about reds, second all, two and all. 202 00:09:54,630 --> 00:09:56,350 You know, all that good stuff. 203 00:09:56,930 --> 00:10:00,030 Black beauties, mini crosses, all that kind of stuff. 204 00:10:00,110 --> 00:10:02,010 Boy, we were doing all that stuff when we were kids. 205 00:10:02,210 --> 00:10:09,170 And I remember we would, this way before they had cameras and Motorola was the only thing 206 00:10:09,170 --> 00:10:12,710 that you needed to outrun, which was the radio between the cops, you know what I mean? 207 00:10:12,770 --> 00:10:13,490 That kind of stuff. 208 00:10:13,630 --> 00:10:18,690 And we were so young that we would just walk into a liquor store, a whole little gang of us, 209 00:10:18,750 --> 00:10:22,250 man, and we'd just take as much liquor as we can carry and walk out the door. 210 00:10:22,250 --> 00:10:24,450 This was at the Circle K over there in San Gabriel. 211 00:10:24,710 --> 00:10:26,750 We'd throw it over the wall and we'd drink all night. 212 00:10:27,090 --> 00:10:30,150 And, you know, because we were too young to buy it, right? 213 00:10:30,270 --> 00:10:33,990 So anyway, after a while, I'm ditching school all the time. 214 00:10:34,070 --> 00:10:39,870 And I started a little hangout in my garage and carpeted the garage. 215 00:10:39,990 --> 00:10:42,150 Mom's working two jobs and we're on welfare. 216 00:10:42,410 --> 00:10:47,690 Christmas presents are coming from the fire department, the police department, that type of stuff, you know. 217 00:10:47,690 --> 00:10:52,650 And it's always missing that one missing part that was important for the whole toy to work. 218 00:10:53,170 --> 00:10:53,470 Anyway. 219 00:10:54,630 --> 00:10:59,490 No, I'm grateful for that stuff, you know, mac and cheese and hamburger helper and all those kind of things. 220 00:10:59,610 --> 00:11:00,990 Mom worked real hard, you know. 221 00:11:01,110 --> 00:11:03,090 She sacrificed a lot for us kids. 222 00:11:03,930 --> 00:11:08,850 I had three perfect sisters, all of them always telling on me, Bobby's doing this, Bobby's doing that. 223 00:11:09,750 --> 00:11:14,390 And we were hanging out in the garage and all your kids were there, you know. 224 00:11:15,310 --> 00:11:20,130 And whenever we get a phone call at the house and they say, is little Johnny there? 225 00:11:20,210 --> 00:11:20,970 Yes, he's here. 226 00:11:20,970 --> 00:11:23,910 You know, send him home, you know, that kind of stuff. 227 00:11:23,910 --> 00:11:24,610 And we're partying. 228 00:11:24,610 --> 00:11:28,690 We're partying in this little garage and we're playing loud music all night and day. 229 00:11:28,990 --> 00:11:33,710 And anyway, in that kind of element, you know, usually there's girls and boys. 230 00:11:34,350 --> 00:11:41,550 And so, you know, what usually happens in that equation and you're getting drunk and loaded is that somebody comes up pregnant. 231 00:11:42,890 --> 00:11:48,020 And so, yeah, Cheryl came up pregnant and she was 15. 232 00:11:48,120 --> 00:11:49,040 I was 16. 233 00:11:49,620 --> 00:11:54,020 The parents sit us down and say, you know, how are you going to take care of that child? 234 00:11:54,020 --> 00:11:59,480 And I think you should, you know, put it up for adoption and all that kind of stuff. 235 00:11:59,540 --> 00:12:04,940 Well, I'm 16 years old, you know, and I puff up my little chest and I says, I'm going to take care of that kid. 236 00:12:05,120 --> 00:12:05,360 Huh? 237 00:12:05,840 --> 00:12:06,880 You know, how? 238 00:12:07,040 --> 00:12:08,060 How are you going to do that? 239 00:12:08,180 --> 00:12:08,980 I'm going to quit school. 240 00:12:09,080 --> 00:12:10,380 Well, I wasn't going to school anyway. 241 00:12:10,540 --> 00:12:12,140 So anyway, it just doesn't matter. 242 00:12:12,420 --> 00:12:18,560 So, you know, after a while, we set up house and I did the best I could, you know, at that time. 243 00:12:18,560 --> 00:12:22,280 But eventually, you know, alcohol just started to call me, you know. 244 00:12:22,500 --> 00:12:23,560 And, you know, I'll. 245 00:12:24,020 --> 00:12:25,800 You know, your friends back then. 246 00:12:25,880 --> 00:12:31,520 I'm only 16 years old and I'm working full time and trying to take care of these kids, this kid. 247 00:12:31,740 --> 00:12:36,420 And one day, my daughter and she's holding my daughter in her arms up there at Burbank. 248 00:12:36,520 --> 00:12:38,060 We rent this little place out there. 249 00:12:38,240 --> 00:12:43,160 And she waves to me at the top of the stairs and Cheryl's holding her and she's three years old. 250 00:12:43,200 --> 00:12:44,360 And she says, bye, daddy. 251 00:12:44,360 --> 00:12:45,460 I'll see you when you get home. 252 00:12:45,580 --> 00:12:47,300 I don't come home for 28 years. 253 00:12:47,300 --> 00:12:53,880 And this is the kind of stuff that eats a hole in the fabric of your soul that no amount of alcohol could actually actually fill that hole. 254 00:12:54,020 --> 00:12:58,180 And I never want to forget that, you know, even my own flesh and blood. 255 00:12:58,360 --> 00:13:04,740 And, you know, they talk about alcohol being the king, you know, it's more important than anything in my life. 256 00:13:04,900 --> 00:13:11,120 And yet looking back after when you have that guilt, shame and remorse, you say, God, how could I left them like that? 257 00:13:11,240 --> 00:13:16,160 Later on, I got married down there in Culver City and to a wonderful lady that she was a nurse. 258 00:13:16,300 --> 00:13:19,640 And they came to the door and they said, how could you leave us like that? 259 00:13:19,740 --> 00:13:21,800 I said, look, I don't even know if that kid's mine. 260 00:13:22,020 --> 00:13:23,940 You know, talk about selfish and self-centered. 261 00:13:24,100 --> 00:13:28,800 You know, and I look at that daughter of mine today and I do have a relationship with her. 262 00:13:30,240 --> 00:13:32,260 And she looks just like me, unfortunately. 263 00:13:34,120 --> 00:13:35,180 No, she's beautiful. 264 00:13:35,700 --> 00:13:39,200 And she has two grandchildren that's never seen me drunk, you know. 265 00:13:39,460 --> 00:13:40,960 And that took a lot of restoration. 266 00:13:40,960 --> 00:13:48,560 You know, when I was here in Alcoholics Anonymous, you know, I longed to make those things right. 267 00:13:48,840 --> 00:13:53,920 And I started writing her when I was in Alcoholics Anonymous, telling her about just what I was doing here. 268 00:13:53,920 --> 00:13:54,900 And Alcoholics Anonymous. 269 00:13:55,620 --> 00:13:57,760 And the mother would say, don't have anything to do with him. 270 00:13:58,020 --> 00:13:58,840 He'll only hurt you. 271 00:13:58,960 --> 00:14:03,620 But I kept sending these letters and a little bit of money because I was a deadbeat for so many years. 272 00:14:04,620 --> 00:14:07,620 Finally, I got a letter back from her for after a period of time. 273 00:14:08,320 --> 00:14:10,820 And it says, dear Bob, it didn't say dear dad. 274 00:14:10,920 --> 00:14:12,000 She says, I have a father. 275 00:14:12,140 --> 00:14:12,840 His name's Daryl. 276 00:14:13,640 --> 00:14:16,400 And he put me through school and he took me to school. 277 00:14:16,620 --> 00:14:18,740 He held me and took care of me when I was sick. 278 00:14:18,840 --> 00:14:20,520 You know, I love my father. 279 00:14:20,840 --> 00:14:21,600 Thanks for the money. 280 00:14:22,160 --> 00:14:23,080 And that was it. 281 00:14:23,080 --> 00:14:23,900 And I kept. 282 00:14:24,000 --> 00:14:24,780 I kept writing her anyway. 283 00:14:26,080 --> 00:14:30,640 And after a while, she eventually had some questions for me. 284 00:14:31,200 --> 00:14:32,520 So she said, here's my number. 285 00:14:32,640 --> 00:14:34,420 And then she invited me over to her home. 286 00:14:34,960 --> 00:14:37,020 And I got to meet a husband that she married. 287 00:14:37,160 --> 00:14:39,060 This was before they had the kids. 288 00:14:39,280 --> 00:14:42,360 So miracles happen here in Alcoholics Anonymous, despite me. 289 00:14:42,540 --> 00:14:51,440 And I also always questioned, you know, if my motives weren't just to save my own ass rather than really be concerned about her. 290 00:14:51,440 --> 00:14:53,820 Because I was thinking, you know, to injure them or others. 291 00:14:53,980 --> 00:14:57,460 You know, she has a father that she loves and takes care of her. 292 00:14:57,520 --> 00:14:59,360 But anyway, God's in charge of that stuff. 293 00:14:59,680 --> 00:15:00,760 You know, it wouldn't have happened. 294 00:15:01,040 --> 00:15:05,520 You know, Dr. Paul writes, there are no mistakes in God's world in whatever happens. 295 00:15:05,800 --> 00:15:09,880 So anyway, I was married, like I said, to Roberta. 296 00:15:10,260 --> 00:15:14,480 And when they came up to that house and I got bored once again. 297 00:15:15,100 --> 00:15:17,860 And I started riding motorcycles. 298 00:15:18,680 --> 00:15:20,780 And so I'd hang out to this bar. 299 00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:23,740 It's called the Tennessee Bar and Grill in the meat market. 300 00:15:23,740 --> 00:15:26,280 Down there in Culver City on Venice Boulevard. 301 00:15:26,800 --> 00:15:29,820 And I started hanging out with some real men. 302 00:15:30,200 --> 00:15:37,120 Now, these guys were some violent gangs and bike clubs, all those kind of things. 303 00:15:38,280 --> 00:15:41,760 And before long, I met another her. 304 00:15:42,040 --> 00:15:44,000 And she was a made woman through another. 305 00:15:44,220 --> 00:15:45,080 She's like Gemma. 306 00:15:45,200 --> 00:15:46,720 You guys ever see Sons of Anarchy? 307 00:15:46,960 --> 00:15:48,820 She was an untouchable woman. 308 00:15:49,120 --> 00:15:50,960 And all the clubs respected her. 309 00:15:51,340 --> 00:15:53,000 Anyway, I got in a relationship with her. 310 00:15:53,000 --> 00:15:54,080 It was fabulous. 311 00:15:54,400 --> 00:15:56,700 And we set up house down there in Venice. 312 00:15:57,020 --> 00:15:59,960 And they were making money, a lot of money. 313 00:16:00,840 --> 00:16:03,440 And they showed me a way to make that money. 314 00:16:03,700 --> 00:16:06,860 And so I became a doctor of sorts. 315 00:16:08,380 --> 00:16:12,810 And I learned to write Latin and fill out prescriptions. 316 00:16:13,430 --> 00:16:17,770 And before long, I was pumping 5,000 pills down there on Crenshaw and Adams. 317 00:16:18,570 --> 00:16:21,870 And 109th and Main and 59th and Halldale. 318 00:16:21,870 --> 00:16:23,170 I was this guy riding. 319 00:16:23,290 --> 00:16:24,650 It's red and white Harley-Davidson. 320 00:16:24,750 --> 00:16:27,890 And when I'd go down the street, I'd be playing that song by Peter Gabriel. 321 00:16:28,190 --> 00:16:28,890 Big time. 322 00:16:29,270 --> 00:16:31,490 So much larger than life. 323 00:16:32,430 --> 00:16:35,110 And I had it made, you know. 324 00:16:35,110 --> 00:16:38,070 In seven years, I generated $3.5 million. 325 00:16:38,650 --> 00:16:42,470 We had this beautiful home in Culver City, the pool and everything else in the backyard. 326 00:16:42,970 --> 00:16:49,750 She also had a—Denise had a daughter that was through this guy that was in this really violent motorcycle club. 327 00:16:50,370 --> 00:16:52,930 And they were both protected, both of them. 328 00:16:52,930 --> 00:16:54,230 Very, very protected. 329 00:16:54,630 --> 00:16:55,970 So we were the cool parents. 330 00:16:56,510 --> 00:17:01,030 And so if you're going to, you know, get drunk or get wasted, you know what I mean? 331 00:17:01,730 --> 00:17:03,930 We'd rather have her doing it in front of us. 332 00:17:04,310 --> 00:17:08,290 And so, you know, we had this house and she had her little friends. 333 00:17:08,430 --> 00:17:12,970 And they were all doing meth, in which I was not a big fan of that stuff. 334 00:17:13,210 --> 00:17:15,810 But she also drank Cisco to come down. 335 00:17:17,790 --> 00:17:22,750 And one day, one day, her little body couldn't process that Cisco. 336 00:17:23,510 --> 00:17:26,570 And she was beautiful, strawberry blonde little girl, Phyllis. 337 00:17:27,470 --> 00:17:32,490 And then she started to get a distended stomach and she started swelling up. 338 00:17:32,570 --> 00:17:33,610 And, I mean, she was gorgeous. 339 00:17:33,850 --> 00:17:36,290 Greatest little heart you ever did know with anybody. 340 00:17:36,910 --> 00:17:38,390 And I love Phyllis, man. 341 00:17:38,410 --> 00:17:39,270 I really, really do. 342 00:17:40,110 --> 00:17:44,070 And when she wound up down there in Long Beach General and her eyes were solid yellow 343 00:17:44,070 --> 00:17:50,510 and her body could no longer process any of those things, all of her organs were starting to shut down. 344 00:17:50,510 --> 00:17:52,910 And I knew that she was sick and addicted to some of this. 345 00:17:52,930 --> 00:17:55,870 And I knew that she was sick and addicted to some of this stuff that I was singing and slinging out there on the streets. 346 00:17:56,090 --> 00:17:58,350 And I came down there to visit her. 347 00:17:58,430 --> 00:17:59,410 Nobody was visiting her. 348 00:17:59,690 --> 00:18:03,210 She used to have a whole wealth of friends, you know, so-called friends. 349 00:18:03,450 --> 00:18:05,210 Anyway, she's laying in the hospital bed. 350 00:18:05,410 --> 00:18:11,450 And I come up alongside of the hospital bed and she says, she said, Bob, I knew of all the people that would come, it would be you. 351 00:18:11,490 --> 00:18:12,330 And she's in tears. 352 00:18:12,610 --> 00:18:14,110 She says, I knew you would come. 353 00:18:14,210 --> 00:18:16,030 And she says to me, tell me about God. 354 00:18:16,150 --> 00:18:17,710 And she's laying in the hospital bed. 355 00:18:17,710 --> 00:18:19,570 And I felt like Satan himself. 356 00:18:19,750 --> 00:18:22,710 I'm sitting here in all this leather and cuts and all this stuff and dirt. 357 00:18:22,930 --> 00:18:23,750 I'm a dirty, filthy biker. 358 00:18:23,890 --> 00:18:27,530 And I'm walking there and I reach in my pocket and I pull out a syringe. 359 00:18:27,990 --> 00:18:30,010 I said, here, honey, I brought you something to get well. 360 00:18:30,900 --> 00:18:37,020 She went in that bathroom and she came back out and I sat with her for some time and left. 361 00:18:37,340 --> 00:18:39,420 She was happy that I visited, went home. 362 00:18:40,120 --> 00:18:47,680 And then the following day, we get the phone call that her little body couldn't, all those organs did eventually shut down. 363 00:18:47,780 --> 00:18:50,760 And that stuff ripped a hole in the fabric of my soul. 364 00:18:50,760 --> 00:18:52,620 You know, I knew the 23rd Psalm. 365 00:18:52,620 --> 00:18:53,060 I did. 366 00:18:53,180 --> 00:18:54,640 I could have told her those kind of things. 367 00:18:54,740 --> 00:18:55,920 I was raised with that stuff. 368 00:18:56,060 --> 00:18:57,480 You know, I could have told her about God. 369 00:18:57,600 --> 00:18:59,680 Could have done just like my grandma did, you know. 370 00:18:59,900 --> 00:19:00,960 Yes, God loves you. 371 00:19:01,120 --> 00:19:02,840 No matter what you do, he'll forgive you. 372 00:19:02,900 --> 00:19:03,740 But I didn't do that. 373 00:19:03,860 --> 00:19:06,700 So every single day, I'm watching Denise. 374 00:19:07,000 --> 00:19:10,280 This is her daughter, you know, my stepdaughter at the time. 375 00:19:10,740 --> 00:19:12,540 We're together 19 years by this time. 376 00:19:12,940 --> 00:19:15,160 We had each other's back for the whole time. 377 00:19:15,300 --> 00:19:16,840 And we had a good run out there. 378 00:19:16,840 --> 00:19:20,880 And eventually, all those drugs that we were putting out there, you know, started to deplete. 379 00:19:22,000 --> 00:19:22,240 And. 380 00:19:22,620 --> 00:19:27,720 One by one, every one of the assets, all that dirty money, that blood money, man, started to go. 381 00:19:28,200 --> 00:19:29,680 We started to sell off everything. 382 00:19:30,260 --> 00:19:37,240 The flat bottom boat, motorhome, and 53 MG, and the 59 Volvo, and the 57 Chevy. 383 00:19:38,000 --> 00:19:40,340 Last thing to go out that driveway was that motorcycle. 384 00:19:40,620 --> 00:19:41,800 But we still had each other. 385 00:19:41,900 --> 00:19:42,820 We still had each other. 386 00:19:42,820 --> 00:19:46,780 By this time, we checked into this little clinic up on Pico in Sepulveda. 387 00:19:47,160 --> 00:19:52,220 And prior to that, I had managed to do a little dirty deal on the backside. 388 00:19:52,220 --> 00:19:52,720 You know? 389 00:19:53,080 --> 00:19:54,080 And I didn't want her to know. 390 00:19:54,820 --> 00:19:56,480 And I had a little extra money in my pocket. 391 00:19:57,400 --> 00:19:58,840 And we come out of there. 392 00:19:59,020 --> 00:20:00,660 It's in the corner of Pico in Sepulveda. 393 00:20:00,900 --> 00:20:02,520 And it's a bright, sunny day. 394 00:20:02,880 --> 00:20:06,100 And I know that when I want to get away from you, I'm going to get in an argument. 395 00:20:06,240 --> 00:20:07,100 You know, one of those kind. 396 00:20:07,360 --> 00:20:09,380 And I get in this argument with her on that corner. 397 00:20:09,640 --> 00:20:12,220 That same corner we've been crossing for seven years together. 398 00:20:12,400 --> 00:20:13,700 And I get in an argument with her. 399 00:20:13,980 --> 00:20:16,540 And I said, listen, just go wait for me across the street. 400 00:20:16,800 --> 00:20:19,380 I'm going to go across the street and get a cup of coffee. 401 00:20:19,560 --> 00:20:20,880 So I go get a cup of coffee. 402 00:20:20,880 --> 00:20:21,360 And. 403 00:20:21,360 --> 00:20:23,860 And a little boy comes running in and says, Mr., Mr. 404 00:20:23,860 --> 00:20:24,440 And he's pointing. 405 00:20:24,540 --> 00:20:25,820 And I look down the end of his finger. 406 00:20:25,900 --> 00:20:28,980 And there's Denise laying about three-quarters of the block in the middle of the street. 407 00:20:29,120 --> 00:20:32,440 And in a blind rage of anger that I put her in, she crossed that street. 408 00:20:32,680 --> 00:20:34,600 That same street that we always cross together. 409 00:20:35,160 --> 00:20:36,800 And she got hit by a cement truck. 410 00:20:36,880 --> 00:20:37,980 I run over to her side. 411 00:20:38,040 --> 00:20:39,120 It was like slow motion. 412 00:20:39,400 --> 00:20:41,340 I remember the ambulance came. 413 00:20:41,760 --> 00:20:43,180 And we both get in the ambulance. 414 00:20:43,420 --> 00:20:45,000 And now I'm thinking, gosh. 415 00:20:45,800 --> 00:20:46,060 You know. 416 00:20:46,140 --> 00:20:47,420 So we go up there to UCLA. 417 00:20:48,000 --> 00:20:48,840 And they save her. 418 00:20:49,580 --> 00:20:50,140 They save her. 419 00:20:50,140 --> 00:20:51,340 They get her completely. 420 00:20:51,380 --> 00:20:51,980 Out of the woods. 421 00:20:52,180 --> 00:20:52,540 Completely. 422 00:20:52,860 --> 00:20:54,260 They remove a ruptured spleen. 423 00:20:54,480 --> 00:20:58,820 And the only thing that remained that she needed to get fixed was a broken hip. 424 00:20:58,920 --> 00:20:59,140 Okay. 425 00:20:59,260 --> 00:21:01,820 They were going to set a pin in that hip the following day. 426 00:21:01,960 --> 00:21:03,580 So happy that she was going to be all right. 427 00:21:03,580 --> 00:21:05,840 I actually went in that recovery room. 428 00:21:06,420 --> 00:21:08,500 And I saw her, you know, that day. 429 00:21:08,680 --> 00:21:12,740 And she, when she sees me in that bed, first thing she says is, I love you. 430 00:21:12,800 --> 00:21:15,640 So I went home to go spend that money that I was hiding. 431 00:21:15,840 --> 00:21:19,580 And thinking about a potential lawsuit that she was a pedestrian and got hit in the crosswalk. 432 00:21:20,280 --> 00:21:21,260 I was going like, hot dog. 433 00:21:21,260 --> 00:21:22,280 We're going to have money again. 434 00:21:22,460 --> 00:21:25,900 Well, later on that, the next day, I get a phone call. 435 00:21:26,240 --> 00:21:27,160 And it's from UCLA. 436 00:21:27,480 --> 00:21:31,200 And UCLA proceeds to tell me that, Mr. McElwain, we need you down here. 437 00:21:31,320 --> 00:21:31,960 And I'm smart. 438 00:21:32,080 --> 00:21:32,800 I'm street smart. 439 00:21:33,220 --> 00:21:35,080 I know that if you're calling me, there's something wrong. 440 00:21:35,080 --> 00:21:36,300 So I go up there to UCLA. 441 00:21:36,460 --> 00:21:39,740 And they proceed to tell me that when they were setting the pin in that hip, 442 00:21:39,860 --> 00:21:45,360 the anesthesiologist had the oxygen going down into her stomach cavity instead of into her esophagus. 443 00:21:45,540 --> 00:21:47,840 And she was without oxygen for seven minutes. 444 00:21:48,120 --> 00:21:49,620 She flatlined several times. 445 00:21:49,680 --> 00:21:50,780 They brought her back to life. 446 00:21:50,780 --> 00:21:52,460 She was responding to pain. 447 00:21:52,740 --> 00:21:56,000 The way you know that is they take a needle and they prick your toe. 448 00:21:56,160 --> 00:22:00,200 And if your toe reacts, you have some type of brain activity. 449 00:22:00,440 --> 00:22:03,160 And now, this is where it gets to this point. 450 00:22:03,360 --> 00:22:08,280 This is where the big book talks about you can't imagine life with or without alcohol. 451 00:22:08,800 --> 00:22:11,220 Every single day, I'm going to that woman's bedside. 452 00:22:11,420 --> 00:22:13,180 Every single day, she's in that coma. 453 00:22:13,380 --> 00:22:14,480 She slipped into that coma. 454 00:22:14,840 --> 00:22:16,600 For five years, she's in that coma. 455 00:22:16,600 --> 00:22:20,760 Every single day, I can't get drunk enough to stop that. 456 00:22:20,960 --> 00:22:23,420 Those last words that she said to me, I love you. 457 00:22:23,460 --> 00:22:24,280 Every single day. 458 00:22:24,400 --> 00:22:26,100 Every day, I can't be sober. 459 00:22:26,280 --> 00:22:27,300 And I can't get drunk. 460 00:22:27,700 --> 00:22:33,200 It's just, that stuff is just, every day I'm thinking about, you lost the love of your life. 461 00:22:33,200 --> 00:22:36,540 Somebody you've been with for 19 years over your selfishness. 462 00:22:36,680 --> 00:22:39,400 And so, I go on a mission to try and take my own life. 463 00:22:40,320 --> 00:22:41,500 And I try several times. 464 00:22:42,360 --> 00:22:43,740 They pump me full of charcoal. 465 00:22:43,860 --> 00:22:44,940 They bring me back to life. 466 00:22:45,000 --> 00:22:45,860 And I'd curse at God. 467 00:22:45,900 --> 00:22:47,120 And I'd say, why am I still here? 468 00:22:47,160 --> 00:22:48,200 You took that little girl. 469 00:22:48,340 --> 00:22:49,440 You took Denise. 470 00:22:49,680 --> 00:22:50,800 I said, you know I don't want her. 471 00:22:50,800 --> 00:22:51,320 I don't want to be here. 472 00:22:51,440 --> 00:22:56,260 And one of the biggest jokes that God ever had was having me have a primary purpose. 473 00:22:56,480 --> 00:22:58,120 You know, I went to prison one last time. 474 00:22:58,740 --> 00:23:01,880 I robbed a couple people on the streets, not caring. 475 00:23:02,200 --> 00:23:05,100 I was wandering the streets, crying in the rain. 476 00:23:05,700 --> 00:23:06,600 It was cold. 477 00:23:07,920 --> 00:23:11,180 And a couple women stepped off a bus. 478 00:23:11,300 --> 00:23:14,600 And they said, I went up to them and said, give me your money or else. 479 00:23:14,680 --> 00:23:18,720 And one woman ran off and got her husband and followed me home. 480 00:23:18,720 --> 00:23:20,020 The other woman trembled. 481 00:23:20,320 --> 00:23:20,780 And she said, I don't want to be here. 482 00:23:20,780 --> 00:23:24,540 And I took $10 out of her wallet and handed it back to him. 483 00:23:24,620 --> 00:23:27,860 So the Superior Court gets me in front of them one more time. 484 00:23:28,240 --> 00:23:32,640 And the district attorney says, listen, he should get six years and six years, two counts, 485 00:23:33,780 --> 00:23:35,540 211, back-to-back 211. 486 00:23:36,680 --> 00:23:45,560 And the judge, I love judges, they said, listen, I see something else going on with him. 487 00:23:46,570 --> 00:23:48,890 He says, I'm not going to give him that amount of time. 488 00:23:48,890 --> 00:23:51,030 And they put me into. 489 00:23:51,510 --> 00:23:54,270 On a court card here in Alcoholics Anonymous. 490 00:23:54,690 --> 00:23:58,790 So I get out and I come to you guys on a court card. 491 00:23:59,030 --> 00:24:00,150 I can't relate with you. 492 00:24:00,390 --> 00:24:04,330 I heard a guy, Johnny Harris, speaking about those things that he did. 493 00:24:05,010 --> 00:24:07,770 And he'd talk about, I did those things. 494 00:24:08,700 --> 00:24:10,240 It wasn't the alcohol that did those things. 495 00:24:10,280 --> 00:24:11,020 I did those things. 496 00:24:11,080 --> 00:24:12,680 I had to take responsibility for it. 497 00:24:13,140 --> 00:24:15,320 So there my journey started in Alcoholics Anonymous. 498 00:24:16,220 --> 00:24:21,520 Now, when I came in here, I also had no employment. 499 00:24:21,660 --> 00:24:22,620 Remember where I came from. 500 00:24:23,160 --> 00:24:24,460 You guys gave me a commitment. 501 00:24:24,600 --> 00:24:25,640 It was a greeter at the door. 502 00:24:25,840 --> 00:24:29,300 And by that time, I went into a center divider and all my teeth were missing. 503 00:24:30,100 --> 00:24:31,620 And if you're new, don't worry. 504 00:24:31,680 --> 00:24:32,720 They grow back eventually. 505 00:24:34,900 --> 00:24:39,620 I went into a center divider on a motorcycle and all this stuff was knocked out. 506 00:24:39,720 --> 00:24:40,920 This eye was on his cheek. 507 00:24:41,180 --> 00:24:44,280 And this is one of those real tragic accidents, man, on La Cienega. 508 00:24:44,660 --> 00:24:46,440 I passed out at the wheel on a motorcycle. 509 00:24:46,820 --> 00:24:48,720 And I said, greeter? 510 00:24:49,100 --> 00:24:50,520 He said, what am I going to greet with? 511 00:24:50,740 --> 00:24:51,460 I can't even smile. 512 00:24:52,280 --> 00:24:53,560 I hung my head down. 513 00:24:53,740 --> 00:24:55,840 And I was just absolutely desperate. 514 00:24:56,500 --> 00:25:02,200 When I was sitting in prison that time, a guy comes skipping in and he was happy. 515 00:25:02,320 --> 00:25:04,180 He's happy to be in prison. 516 00:25:04,320 --> 00:25:05,600 And he says, I had it good out there. 517 00:25:05,820 --> 00:25:08,300 He says, I found Alcoholics Anonymous. 518 00:25:08,460 --> 00:25:09,360 I was three years sober. 519 00:25:10,180 --> 00:25:12,060 And I said, did you bring anything to read? 520 00:25:12,080 --> 00:25:13,400 And he says, I got this big book. 521 00:25:13,420 --> 00:25:15,320 And I said, I don't want to read that self-help crap. 522 00:25:15,740 --> 00:25:18,020 And he said, there's some stories in the back, Robert. 523 00:25:18,160 --> 00:25:19,000 And he went to sleep. 524 00:25:19,100 --> 00:25:20,540 And he says, read some of the stories. 525 00:25:20,540 --> 00:25:21,960 And so I read one of the stories. 526 00:25:22,280 --> 00:25:23,000 And I read another one. 527 00:25:23,080 --> 00:25:24,840 And then I identified with a line in there. 528 00:25:24,920 --> 00:25:28,620 Because I remember staring out that little bulletproof glass in prison one more time. 529 00:25:28,680 --> 00:25:31,660 And it says, we, the collective we, here in Alcoholics Anonymous. 530 00:25:32,380 --> 00:25:34,160 We know loneliness like no other. 531 00:25:34,200 --> 00:25:34,420 Remember? 532 00:25:34,720 --> 00:25:35,640 Toward the end of your drinking? 533 00:25:36,220 --> 00:25:37,320 Being completely alone. 534 00:25:37,400 --> 00:25:39,760 And I come in here to you guys, Alcoholics Anonymous. 535 00:25:40,040 --> 00:25:41,960 And eventually, I get a commitment. 536 00:25:42,180 --> 00:25:44,000 And I eventually stayed on that court card. 537 00:25:45,580 --> 00:25:52,240 And when I went and I fought the CDC, which is the California Department of Corrections, 538 00:25:52,300 --> 00:25:53,580 I said, look, I've done my time. 539 00:25:53,640 --> 00:25:55,460 I don't have to do meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous. 540 00:25:55,620 --> 00:25:57,200 They proceeded to tell me, you're right. 541 00:25:57,280 --> 00:25:59,540 You don't ever have to drive with a valid license again. 542 00:25:59,940 --> 00:26:02,200 And I said, look, you can take away my license. 543 00:26:02,240 --> 00:26:04,720 But you'll never be able to take away my ability to drive. 544 00:26:04,800 --> 00:26:06,340 I was just so cocky and arrogant. 545 00:26:07,530 --> 00:26:08,170 Isn't that true? 546 00:26:08,390 --> 00:26:11,970 And despite me, you know, after a while and sitting with you guys, 547 00:26:11,970 --> 00:26:14,210 I found out that life runs a certain way. 548 00:26:14,350 --> 00:26:16,870 Life on life's terms, you know, and all that kind of stuff. 549 00:26:17,030 --> 00:26:19,390 And I've got to figure this thing out, you know. 550 00:26:19,750 --> 00:26:22,070 You get in line and stay your wheel being, you know, 551 00:26:22,070 --> 00:26:24,230 you know, out of line, you know, you get it straight 552 00:26:24,230 --> 00:26:26,130 and it will pretty much roll straight. 553 00:26:26,310 --> 00:26:29,030 And so anyway, the alcoholic life was the only one I knew. 554 00:26:29,150 --> 00:26:32,950 And so eventually, you guys told me I needed to get a job, you know. 555 00:26:33,510 --> 00:26:37,530 And I said, well, they asked me, what's your resume look like? 556 00:26:37,550 --> 00:26:39,110 And I said, I don't have a resume. 557 00:26:39,390 --> 00:26:40,790 And they said, well, what did you used to do? 558 00:26:40,810 --> 00:26:42,030 And I said, I sold drugs. 559 00:26:42,430 --> 00:26:44,470 And they said, great, you're a salesman, go apply. 560 00:26:44,650 --> 00:26:48,050 And I was going to go and show you that's not, you know, going to happen. 561 00:26:48,050 --> 00:26:51,430 You know, I'm a two-strike felon by this time and no history. 562 00:26:51,430 --> 00:26:52,730 Do you have any kind of employment? 563 00:26:52,990 --> 00:26:54,690 Well, my first job was life alert. 564 00:26:55,250 --> 00:26:58,730 You know, they said, if you can read off this paper, we'll give you a job. 565 00:26:58,770 --> 00:27:01,830 And it was like, you know, that thing, I've fallen and I can't get up. 566 00:27:02,430 --> 00:27:05,610 Well, anyway, I'm working for life alert. 567 00:27:05,810 --> 00:27:11,250 And then that little job, you know, turned into another job and another job. 568 00:27:11,250 --> 00:27:17,470 And I had open enrollment for dental and all those kind of things. 569 00:27:17,670 --> 00:27:21,010 And they told me that it was going to cost $60,000. 570 00:27:21,430 --> 00:27:24,170 They were all this dental and implants and all that kind of stuff. 571 00:27:24,230 --> 00:27:25,270 And they grew back. 572 00:27:25,730 --> 00:27:29,050 And eventually that job led into another job. 573 00:27:29,110 --> 00:27:33,770 And here's God, man, I'll tell you, I handle a lot of sensitive information. 574 00:27:34,290 --> 00:27:37,850 My job today is I'm a federal task force specialist through the GSA department. 575 00:27:37,990 --> 00:27:39,130 How the hell does that happen? 576 00:27:39,470 --> 00:27:43,870 I got to go visit the Department of Finance and Securities with military clearance 577 00:27:43,870 --> 00:27:49,310 and walk on a military base where there's all this sensitive information. 578 00:27:49,510 --> 00:27:51,270 And I go like, how the heck does that happen? 579 00:27:51,270 --> 00:27:52,870 If it wasn't for Alcoholics Anonymous. 580 00:27:53,290 --> 00:27:58,550 Now, I had a lot of stuff that I had a lot of guilt, shame, and remorse when my dad died. 581 00:27:59,010 --> 00:28:01,630 And he was calling for his only son on his deathbed. 582 00:28:01,650 --> 00:28:03,150 And I couldn't let him see what I'd become. 583 00:28:03,410 --> 00:28:07,510 And when he passed away, you know, I always had a little bit of guilt, a lot, a lot. 584 00:28:08,090 --> 00:28:08,950 I missed my dad. 585 00:28:08,950 --> 00:28:12,090 I missed him ever since he was taken away from me by my mother. 586 00:28:13,090 --> 00:28:16,670 Well, all that stuff wasn't true, you know. 587 00:28:17,370 --> 00:28:19,330 I found out the real truth, you know. 588 00:28:19,770 --> 00:28:21,110 Listen, when my mom got remarried, 589 00:28:21,430 --> 00:28:25,950 I got married to this man, and he says, I'll take those three girls, but I'm not taking him. 590 00:28:26,190 --> 00:28:27,830 I had a lot of resentment towards my mom. 591 00:28:28,290 --> 00:28:28,750 And you know what? 592 00:28:28,790 --> 00:28:32,830 The truth was, through a little inventory work, is that I wouldn't have taken anyone like me either. 593 00:28:33,710 --> 00:28:34,450 I wouldn't. 594 00:28:34,870 --> 00:28:39,550 But anyway, the fact remained that I still had this awful ache, man, about my dad. 595 00:28:39,790 --> 00:28:44,250 So a wonderful member of Alcoholics Anonymous, Clint Hodges, he's not with us anymore. 596 00:28:44,450 --> 00:28:49,310 He told me one night, he says, you know, you can make amends to people that passed away in your life. 597 00:28:49,330 --> 00:28:50,370 And I said, that's impossible. 598 00:28:50,370 --> 00:28:51,370 And he said, no, you can't. 599 00:28:51,430 --> 00:28:55,770 And he caught me at just that right moment of where I had this awful hole inside of me. 600 00:28:56,490 --> 00:29:02,190 And he says, Robert, he says, tonight, when you go home, I want you to vision your father across from you 601 00:29:02,190 --> 00:29:05,570 and write down everything that you wish you could have told him. 602 00:29:05,630 --> 00:29:07,710 And I took his advice, and I wrote my father. 603 00:29:07,870 --> 00:29:12,870 And when I was done, he says, I want you to take that letter and go read it at your father's gravesite. 604 00:29:13,070 --> 00:29:14,390 Take someone with you. 605 00:29:14,450 --> 00:29:15,110 And I did those. 606 00:29:15,190 --> 00:29:16,130 I took those actions. 607 00:29:16,330 --> 00:29:20,930 And I'm telling you, I couldn't get three lines out of that damn letter that I wrote without just sobbing. 608 00:29:20,930 --> 00:29:31,590 And here's what I found out, that God knows a sincere heart, that when you're really sincere and really definitely need that, you know, that healing, that he'll come. 609 00:29:31,770 --> 00:29:37,370 And they said, after that, I want you to burn that letter and watch the smoke rise up to your father in heaven, you know. 610 00:29:38,110 --> 00:29:40,010 And I was able to walk a little bit more free. 611 00:29:40,190 --> 00:29:44,090 And after a while, you know, most of us want to get in a relationship again. 612 00:29:44,390 --> 00:29:46,930 So I was having some failed relationships. 613 00:29:46,930 --> 00:29:49,690 And one day, you know, I probably had about five years sober. 614 00:29:50,930 --> 00:29:52,990 And they kept just falling apart. 615 00:29:53,210 --> 00:29:54,930 You know, I'd date somebody, and then the next thing you know. 616 00:29:55,370 --> 00:29:58,510 So anyway, there's two types of people that come into Alcoholics Anonymous. 617 00:29:59,090 --> 00:30:02,310 Types like that need rehabilitation, that had stuff out there. 618 00:30:02,390 --> 00:30:05,310 And then there's types like me that need to be habilitated. 619 00:30:06,090 --> 00:30:09,370 Now, I had no, you know, the alcoholic life was the only one I knew. 620 00:30:09,450 --> 00:30:10,370 Man, I'm a felon. 621 00:30:10,490 --> 00:30:14,650 I do things, you know, I get my way or the highway and all that kind of stuff. 622 00:30:14,650 --> 00:30:17,490 So anyway, one time I'm hearing you guys read the 12 traditions. 623 00:30:18,090 --> 00:30:20,410 And it says, the traditions are to the group. 624 00:30:20,410 --> 00:30:22,090 What the steps are to the individual. 625 00:30:22,430 --> 00:30:26,810 Now, with my keen alcoholic mind, I'm watching people that don't ordinarily mix 626 00:30:26,810 --> 00:30:29,010 be able to put on a meeting with Alcoholics Anonymous. 627 00:30:29,290 --> 00:30:30,470 And I'm thinking, the traditions. 628 00:30:30,850 --> 00:30:32,310 That's what I'm missing in my life. 629 00:30:32,530 --> 00:30:36,430 So with a little bit of help from you guys, they said, 630 00:30:36,490 --> 00:30:39,810 Robert, I want you to read the 12 and 12 in the 12 traditions 631 00:30:39,810 --> 00:30:44,110 and replace the word Alcoholics Anonymous with you and whoever you're with. 632 00:30:44,110 --> 00:30:47,270 Instead of, like, for instance, the fifth line in the first tradition, 633 00:30:47,370 --> 00:30:50,130 it says, without group unity, the heart of Alcoholics Anonymous, 634 00:30:50,130 --> 00:30:50,950 would cease to beat. 635 00:30:51,050 --> 00:30:53,290 Well, without group unity, I'll be heartbroken. 636 00:30:53,450 --> 00:30:54,790 That's what that meant to me. 637 00:30:54,890 --> 00:30:56,170 This is what I did in that fifth line. 638 00:30:56,390 --> 00:30:59,130 Without group unity, and I don't learn this thing, 639 00:30:59,270 --> 00:31:01,430 I'm going to be heartbroken over and over again. 640 00:31:01,490 --> 00:31:03,290 Well, he writes on that same first tradition. 641 00:31:03,510 --> 00:31:06,370 And I know that many of you have been heartbroken before, I'm sure. 642 00:31:06,510 --> 00:31:09,270 But without group unity, our hearts would cease to beat. 643 00:31:09,530 --> 00:31:12,010 On that same first tradition, it states this. 644 00:31:12,490 --> 00:31:15,230 Bill writes, each individual here in Alcoholics Anonymous 645 00:31:15,230 --> 00:31:18,070 has a right to think, act, and talk as they wish. 646 00:31:18,070 --> 00:31:20,070 Bill puts another very important, 647 00:31:20,210 --> 00:31:22,930 spiritual thing in it, without being punished or expelled. 648 00:31:23,190 --> 00:31:25,630 What do we do when somebody comes up and they don't follow the format? 649 00:31:25,830 --> 00:31:27,110 Keep coming back, right? 650 00:31:27,290 --> 00:31:30,650 So I had to learn to take these traditions into my home. 651 00:31:30,790 --> 00:31:33,830 She's got a right to think, act, and talk as she wishes, right? 652 00:31:33,910 --> 00:31:36,010 And I can't give her the punishment, you know, when you're, 653 00:31:36,130 --> 00:31:37,750 just turn on my side. 654 00:31:38,050 --> 00:31:39,490 That is punishment, by the way. 655 00:31:39,850 --> 00:31:41,810 Anyway, because she's got a right to think, act. 656 00:31:41,850 --> 00:31:44,470 I mean, I saw how it worked in Alcoholics Anonymous 657 00:31:44,470 --> 00:31:46,990 with these people that don't normally, total strangers, 658 00:31:46,990 --> 00:31:49,070 getting along in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. 659 00:31:49,450 --> 00:31:49,690 And then, 660 00:31:50,130 --> 00:31:52,950 you know, about, my sponsor turned to me one day, and he says, 661 00:31:53,910 --> 00:31:55,890 we have one ultimate authority, a loving God, 662 00:31:55,890 --> 00:31:57,570 who's going to express himself in our group. 663 00:31:57,890 --> 00:32:00,370 You know, and he says, we do not govern. 664 00:32:00,590 --> 00:32:03,250 See, I don't get a chance to govern anything but my own life. 665 00:32:03,450 --> 00:32:05,130 You know, I don't get to govern you. 666 00:32:05,690 --> 00:32:08,570 You know, the fifth tradition talks about the language of the heart. 667 00:32:08,570 --> 00:32:09,570 That's what we do up here. 668 00:32:09,630 --> 00:32:12,410 And the only requirement, the third tradition about, you know, 669 00:32:12,790 --> 00:32:14,850 the requirement that you want to be here, you know, 670 00:32:14,890 --> 00:32:16,690 and that we're attraction, not promotion. 671 00:32:16,750 --> 00:32:19,950 All these kinds of things started to come to life in Alcoholics Anonymous, 672 00:32:19,950 --> 00:32:23,850 through your traditions, because I had no guidelines with those kind of things. 673 00:32:23,850 --> 00:32:27,890 Tradition seven, about being fully self-supporting through my own contributions. 674 00:32:28,450 --> 00:32:32,450 When you would disappoint me or reject me, do I have a life big enough? 675 00:32:32,870 --> 00:32:36,410 Listen, I have to be fully self-supporting through my own contributions. 676 00:32:37,030 --> 00:32:41,670 Declining anything outside of me, am I okay without that? 677 00:32:41,890 --> 00:32:45,530 Anything that gives me happiness, pleasure, this, this. 678 00:32:45,890 --> 00:32:49,330 If that's taken away, am I fully self-supporting emotionally? 679 00:32:49,330 --> 00:32:52,370 To be able to continue and be happy and whole. 680 00:32:52,550 --> 00:32:55,410 One time, Tradition Nine, I love Tradition Nine. 681 00:32:55,790 --> 00:32:58,630 It's about rotational leadership here in Alcoholics Anonymous, right? 682 00:32:58,870 --> 00:33:02,630 Well, every good idea doesn't have to be mine and it doesn't get to be mine. 683 00:33:02,950 --> 00:33:05,330 One day, Monique comes up to me and this is my ex. 684 00:33:05,670 --> 00:33:10,690 She says, Robert, I want to go to San Francisco and watch the Nutcracker play 685 00:33:10,690 --> 00:33:14,010 and get dressed to the nines on Christmas and watch the Nutcracker. 686 00:33:14,290 --> 00:33:18,010 Now, of course, I have my own ideas and what I think, you know, 687 00:33:18,250 --> 00:33:19,290 but you guys, 688 00:33:19,410 --> 00:33:20,850 you taught me about rotational leadership. 689 00:33:21,090 --> 00:33:21,650 Okay, Robert. 690 00:33:21,890 --> 00:33:22,950 Oh, time's up. 691 00:33:23,250 --> 00:33:23,850 Gosh, dang it. 692 00:33:24,210 --> 00:33:25,570 Anyway, I better stop. 693 00:33:25,790 --> 00:33:29,150 But I cannot tell you enough about the traditions. 694 00:33:30,010 --> 00:33:33,230 I'll just end with this really quickly about Tradition 12. 695 00:33:33,410 --> 00:33:35,690 This to the end, our great gifts will never spoil us. 696 00:33:35,790 --> 00:33:37,490 To practice a genuine humility. 697 00:33:37,690 --> 00:33:42,050 Does that mean there's going to be times where I'm going to be asked to do things I don't want to do? 698 00:33:42,130 --> 00:33:44,110 Wouldn't that be practicing a genuine humility? 699 00:33:44,110 --> 00:33:47,530 This to the end, our great blessings will never spoil us. 700 00:33:48,010 --> 00:33:49,290 That will live in forever. 701 00:33:49,450 --> 00:33:52,430 And thankful contemplation of him who presides over us all. 702 00:33:52,610 --> 00:33:53,410 Thank you for my life. 703 00:33:54,210 --> 00:33:54,410 Amen. 704 00:33:54,410 --> 00:33:54,510 Amen.