1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:16,000 Now, I would like to introduce our main speaker Deborah T. I'm Barbra, an alcoholic, and thank you, Mariana and Alex, for asking me to speak tonight. I appreciate it. I guess I'm supposed to give my statistics. 2 00:00:16,000 --> 00:00:45,980 My sobriety date is September 17th, 1980, and I was raised really old school. When I first came to AA, there was no being terribly nice to the newcomer. We were told to be here, but we were told to take the cotton out of our ears, stuff it in our mouth, and don't speak in a meeting for a year, which suited me just fine because I was terribly, terribly shy, and I didn't 3 00:00:45,980 --> 00:01:15,960 want to talk to you anyway. But I had a weird road here, and my story, I can sum up is it promises us in the big book that we're going to be restored to sanity. I think I'm proof positive that if you didn't really have sanity, you can be restored there anyway, because I came in pretty screwed up. My parents were both alcoholics. I had an older brother. He was 10 years older than me. I was 4 00:01:15,960 --> 00:01:22,300 10 years older than myself. And by the time I was born, I was kind of this menopause surprise 5 00:01:22,300 --> 00:01:29,000 born on April Fool's Day. And they weren't expecting to have another child. And they were 6 00:01:29,000 --> 00:01:39,120 both heavily into their alcoholism by then. And I was kind of a well-dressed foundling who, 7 00:01:39,660 --> 00:01:45,700 and I learned to take care of myself and I didn't trust anyone. And I didn't tell you anything 8 00:01:45,700 --> 00:01:53,820 about myself because the world was a really scary place for me. But I didn't want you to know that 9 00:01:53,820 --> 00:02:00,360 that's the way I felt. So I conducted myself in a way that everything's okay. I was a just pretend 10 00:02:00,360 --> 00:02:07,500 person from the get-go. And my brother, when he was still living at home, would help care for me 11 00:02:07,500 --> 00:02:13,540 a little bit and teach me things. But when he left and he went to college, I panicked. I didn't have 12 00:02:13,540 --> 00:02:15,540 anyone. And my father... 13 00:02:15,700 --> 00:02:23,220 My mother was, once I got older, would sneak into my bedroom and sexually molest me and rape me. 14 00:02:23,220 --> 00:02:33,220 And I felt unloved and worthless. So by the time my brother left, I decided I can't do this anymore. 15 00:02:33,460 --> 00:02:40,020 And my mother also had a lot of pills. I stole her Miltown. This dates me. Nobody even knows 16 00:02:40,020 --> 00:02:45,140 what Miltown is anymore. But I stole her Miltown. And I... 17 00:02:45,700 --> 00:02:50,840 Cut my wrists and I took the Miltown. I thought, I'm just going to go to bed and I don't want to 18 00:02:50,840 --> 00:02:57,000 wake up again. I didn't do my research because when you slow down your metabolism with Miltown, 19 00:02:57,000 --> 00:03:04,400 you don't bleed out. So I screwed that up too. And I woke up in a neuropsychiatric center at 20 00:03:04,400 --> 00:03:10,860 the University of Washington. I lived in Seattle at the time. And my... And it went to... In the 21 00:03:10,860 --> 00:03:15,100 state of Washington, it's a felony to try and kill yourself. I think that's terribly unfair. 22 00:03:15,700 --> 00:03:23,360 But I was taken away from my parents. And my brother, who had moved to California, 23 00:03:23,760 --> 00:03:32,280 was willing to take custody of me. Now, this was in the 60s. And I came to California, 24 00:03:32,740 --> 00:03:41,380 and I think I was 14 or 15. And he decided that he was into existentialism and that he would just 25 00:03:41,380 --> 00:03:45,540 protect me while I kind of finished raising myself. So I got in... 26 00:03:45,700 --> 00:03:52,640 involved with people at my high school. I went to Pali High, not because he was so terribly 27 00:03:52,640 --> 00:03:59,980 successful that he had a mansion in the Palisades. He rented a guest house behind one of those 28 00:03:59,980 --> 00:04:07,420 mansions. So I would, again, live this dual life of going down these stairs to this little guest 29 00:04:07,420 --> 00:04:13,540 house. And that was my home. And then climbing up the stairs and seeing these beautiful mansions on 30 00:04:13,540 --> 00:04:19,480 the street and going to Palisades High School with all these privileged people. And I just 31 00:04:19,480 --> 00:04:27,560 tried to maintain, tried to maintain. And by the time I was there, I started to work. 32 00:04:28,480 --> 00:04:36,020 I worked at Baskin Robbins in Brentwood, and I scooped ice cream. I had a really strong right 33 00:04:36,020 --> 00:04:42,900 arm. And I bought a little Karmangia that could barely run for 50 bucks. 34 00:04:43,540 --> 00:04:50,760 And I fiddled around town, but I always took care of myself. But I did get involved with 35 00:04:50,760 --> 00:04:56,580 Students for a Democratic Society. I was clever. I did have that going for me. 36 00:04:56,940 --> 00:05:01,700 I got involved with Students for a Democratic Society, and I'm probably on some subversive 37 00:05:01,700 --> 00:05:07,480 list somewhere. I don't know. But I got involved with them, and we were really heavily into the 38 00:05:07,480 --> 00:05:13,240 dope smoking. And I never wanted to be like my mother. I saw her drunk all the time. Sometimes 39 00:05:13,540 --> 00:05:18,560 she would come home from school, and she'd be passed out in the yard. And I thought, I'll just 40 00:05:18,560 --> 00:05:24,580 smoke dope. That's the answer. And that was my escape. And I was so good. I was very good with 41 00:05:24,580 --> 00:05:32,780 my manual dexterity. I was the official SDS chapter joint roller for my group. And they were 42 00:05:32,780 --> 00:05:41,440 nice, even burning joints. It worked out quite well. But I was so into it. It was so much pressure 43 00:05:42,840 --> 00:05:43,320 trying to be... 44 00:05:43,540 --> 00:05:51,520 Pretend I was normal. I started to add a little Kribari wine with my dope smoking and that sort 45 00:05:51,520 --> 00:06:01,040 of thing. But I did work, and I did take care of myself. And I was stolen away from my job by 46 00:06:01,040 --> 00:06:10,500 somebody that had a store in the Brentwood Country Market. And he was my boss. And he used to ask me 47 00:06:10,500 --> 00:06:13,580 out and that sort of thing. And I went out with him a few times. And he was my boss. And he was 48 00:06:13,600 --> 00:06:19,580 my brother. And my brother, when I graduated from high school, had told me, I think I've 49 00:06:19,580 --> 00:06:27,160 fulfilled my responsibility. And I've been offered a job in Belgium. And so I was on my own 50 00:06:27,160 --> 00:06:37,080 one more time. And my boss said he wanted to marry me. And I took him up on it. I married him. And it 51 00:06:37,080 --> 00:06:42,600 was a really good choice, because he was an enabler. And he was... 52 00:06:43,600 --> 00:06:48,620 He was so busy doing his own thing. I could get away with pretty much whatever I wanted. But then 53 00:06:48,620 --> 00:06:55,340 the disease of alcoholism took over, took over, and took over. I never drank like a normal person. 54 00:06:55,480 --> 00:07:01,440 I know nothing about normal drinking, because I started drinking alcoholically from the first 55 00:07:01,440 --> 00:07:09,540 moment I took a drink. I know nothing about normal drinking whatsoever. And then I looked... 56 00:07:09,540 --> 00:07:13,580 I didn't want to be that way. And when I married this husband, he had a family. And he was a 57 00:07:13,600 --> 00:07:19,500 family. And I really always wanted a family. And I thought, okay, if I marry this guy, and I'm part 58 00:07:19,500 --> 00:07:24,980 of a family, then I'm going to feel okay, and I can stop drinking and using. Well, these outside 59 00:07:24,980 --> 00:07:30,120 plans don't normally work. And then I thought, okay, buy me a house in the valley, and we'll 60 00:07:30,120 --> 00:07:35,200 have children. And then I'll be normal. And I went through this whole routine. And finally, 61 00:07:35,560 --> 00:07:42,100 I went to... You probably don't even remember what a care unit is. But I went to a care unit, 62 00:07:43,600 --> 00:07:51,080 I learned about my disease of alcoholism. And I started on this road of recovery. And I was very 63 00:07:51,080 --> 00:07:58,940 lucky that my husband stuck with me over that period of time, because it was extremely difficult. 64 00:07:58,940 --> 00:08:07,400 I'll always be grateful for that. Whenever I have a problem, I always try and study it to death, 65 00:08:07,460 --> 00:08:13,580 and try and figure out how to fix it. So in addition to going to AA meetings for a year, 66 00:08:13,600 --> 00:08:21,100 and keeping my mouth shut, and having really a dictatorial, tough sponsor who absolutely saved 67 00:08:21,100 --> 00:08:28,840 my life, Old Grace, I wouldn't be alive if I hadn't had this tough, old fashioned sponsor. 68 00:08:30,520 --> 00:08:38,180 I went to UCLA to... I was fascinated still with drugs and alcohol. And I decided the only safe 69 00:08:38,180 --> 00:08:43,300 way to pursue this interest was to learn about it. So I went to... 70 00:08:43,600 --> 00:08:53,280 UCLA Alcohol and Drug Studies. And I learned about it. And I was always very much a part of my AA 71 00:08:53,280 --> 00:09:00,380 group. And I developed a relationship with my children. And I had another... I had a daughter 72 00:09:00,380 --> 00:09:10,460 who has never seen me drunk. And I'm most appreciative of that. And I got my certification 73 00:09:10,460 --> 00:09:12,980 through UCLA. And I... 74 00:09:13,600 --> 00:09:21,360 started working for Jewish Family Service. And I did forget one thing. I went through the National 75 00:09:21,360 --> 00:09:27,640 Council on Alcoholism in Van Nuys. And they're the ones that sent me to the care unit. And they're 76 00:09:27,640 --> 00:09:33,160 the ones that helped me figure out how to stay sober. And it's a wonderful organization, because 77 00:09:33,160 --> 00:09:38,640 it has all kinds of information about alcoholism, and recovery, and where to go. And they don't have 78 00:09:38,640 --> 00:09:43,520 a bone to pick about anything that's going to come back to them. It's really a real organization. 79 00:09:43,520 --> 00:09:51,060 And if you're looking for a bed to go to for recovery, they always are on top of it and can refer you to where you need to go. 80 00:09:51,260 --> 00:09:58,000 So I decided I was very grateful to the NCADD and that I would help them, because they had helped me get started with my journey. 81 00:09:58,220 --> 00:10:05,500 But this funny thing that AA does, if somebody gives us a gift, we're supposed to respond in kind, 82 00:10:05,500 --> 00:10:12,440 and we're supposed to help. And so I offered to be of assistance to the NCADD. 83 00:10:12,440 --> 00:10:18,900 and the more I helped them, the more I got from them. This is the trick that AA uses in all these 84 00:10:18,900 --> 00:10:24,920 organizations. The more I helped them, the more I got from them, so I had to help them some more 85 00:10:24,920 --> 00:10:32,680 and that was a really big part of my life and I also, my superhero of AA is Marty Mann, who's the 86 00:10:32,680 --> 00:10:40,920 first woman to ever get sober in AA and I was obsessed with reading her biographies and things 87 00:10:40,920 --> 00:10:47,380 and she came into Alcoholics Anonymous when I guess women were not, were supposed to be 88 00:10:47,380 --> 00:10:54,220 too pristine and wonderful to drink and it wasn't really true and so when she came in, 89 00:10:54,260 --> 00:10:58,420 they didn't know what to do with her, the first woman, because the men would go have a meeting 90 00:10:58,420 --> 00:11:03,960 and then the women were Al-Anons and they tried putting her with the women and she didn't fit 91 00:11:03,960 --> 00:11:10,820 and she was the first woman to break through into AA and I'm so grateful. 92 00:11:10,920 --> 00:11:16,520 I'm so grateful to her for those efforts and she's the person that started the National Council 93 00:11:16,520 --> 00:11:24,360 on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence and that's what a wonderful gift to society. Not only was she the 94 00:11:24,360 --> 00:11:30,540 first woman, but she was a superstar. So after getting involved with them, I started working 95 00:11:30,540 --> 00:11:37,080 for Jewish Family Service and I was very, very grateful. I'm not only a female, but I'm Jewish 96 00:11:37,080 --> 00:11:40,900 and I, this spiritual stuff, I wasn't sure if I was supposed to do it, but I was supposed to do it. 97 00:11:40,920 --> 00:11:51,420 But because I, religion and is it the right religion and da-da-da-da-da. And I, I was asked 98 00:11:51,420 --> 00:11:58,640 by Jewish Family Service to help start an alcohol drug action program and the first part of my job 99 00:11:58,640 --> 00:12:04,900 was to run around LA and talk to rabbis about the spirituality of Judaism and the spirituality 100 00:12:04,900 --> 00:12:10,900 of the 12 steps. I didn't even feel like I was working. Talk about being able to, 101 00:12:10,920 --> 00:12:17,200 to land in a pad of butter. It was an absolutely wonderful experience. And I, I helped set up some 102 00:12:17,200 --> 00:12:22,560 programs for, there's another stigma. If you're, if you're Jewish, you're not supposed to be 103 00:12:22,560 --> 00:12:31,140 a drunk and that's also baloney. So I would go up and I, I talk in all these temples and say 104 00:12:31,140 --> 00:12:40,160 to these nice people, hi, I'm an alcoholic. And I had, I had a really interesting experience with 105 00:12:40,160 --> 00:12:40,560 that. And when I, when I, when I, when I, when I, when I, when I, when I, when I, when I, when I, 106 00:12:40,560 --> 00:12:40,900 when I, when I, when I, when I, when I, when I, when I, when I, when I, when I, when I, when I, when I, 107 00:12:40,900 --> 00:12:46,540 one of the things that I definitely want to cover when I'm talking to you today is there are a couple 108 00:12:46,540 --> 00:12:54,260 of things that I find keep me coming back. First of all, I really want to keep my program interesting, 109 00:12:54,260 --> 00:13:00,500 not only show up at meetings and things and do my checklist, but I want to keep my program so 110 00:13:00,500 --> 00:13:06,840 interesting that I'd have too much to lose by relapsing. I want to keep it that interesting. 111 00:13:07,480 --> 00:13:10,620 So in 1991, I guess I was, 112 00:13:10,900 --> 00:13:18,000 11 years sober then, they published the big book in Russian and they asked some of us to go over 113 00:13:18,000 --> 00:13:26,140 and help start meetings. So I signed up to do that. They sent us to the Soviet Union. It's, 114 00:13:26,220 --> 00:13:31,140 I know it's Russian now, but it was the Soviet Union. Then they sent us to the Soviet Union 115 00:13:31,140 --> 00:13:38,460 in November. It was quite cold. And we were allowed one suitcase and we had all these big books 116 00:13:38,460 --> 00:13:40,620 in Russian. And, 117 00:13:40,900 --> 00:13:46,640 I'm a clothes horse. I really had a hard time packing the suitcase, big books, clothing, 118 00:13:47,100 --> 00:13:52,120 that I did it. And I would do the right thing and took mostly big books. And it was one of the 119 00:13:52,120 --> 00:14:01,360 highlights of my sobriety because I knew in my own niche here, what alcoholism was. And I knew 120 00:14:01,360 --> 00:14:08,020 that I belonged and I knew that I was like you. But when I went over there, we had to have 121 00:14:08,020 --> 00:14:10,880 translators and the culture was so different. And I knew that I was like you. And I knew that I was 122 00:14:10,880 --> 00:14:10,920 like you. And I knew that I was like you. And I knew that I was like you. And I knew that I was 123 00:14:10,920 --> 00:14:17,180 culture and the circumstances over there were more dramatically different than I had even 124 00:14:17,180 --> 00:14:22,800 anticipated. And we would go to these meetings and we would bring big books in Russian. And a 125 00:14:22,800 --> 00:14:29,620 lot of these people had gone to such trouble to stay sober that they had by hand translated the 126 00:14:29,620 --> 00:14:34,860 big book from English to Russian and they were sharing it in meetings. So these big books that 127 00:14:34,860 --> 00:14:40,860 we brought were really truly treasures. And it felt so exciting to do that. But it was also very, 128 00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:48,460 very exciting because they were just like us, not in any cultural way, not even language wise. 129 00:14:48,840 --> 00:14:56,480 But that thing that we have about how we feel and difficulty sometimes in coping with it, 130 00:14:56,620 --> 00:15:03,880 we're all the same. It was so amazing. So we had these escorts from the government that were 131 00:15:03,880 --> 00:15:10,500 escorting us around. And once we were in it, I was so excited about being able to share with people 132 00:15:10,880 --> 00:15:19,940 that we were in Pushkin. And we had been taken by bus to Pushkin. And there were some people that 133 00:15:19,940 --> 00:15:26,480 wanted us to stay and talk to us. And our escort said, no, no, no, you must leave now. And I don't 134 00:15:26,480 --> 00:15:31,940 know if we were foolish or we're just alcoholics. We said, no, we want to stay and we want to talk 135 00:15:31,940 --> 00:15:36,160 to these people. And they said, well, we can't be responsible for you if you stay here. And 136 00:15:36,160 --> 00:15:40,320 the people at the meeting that could barely talk to us, 137 00:15:40,880 --> 00:15:47,300 said, we'll take care of you. We'll take care of you. And I had been in a long enough that I knew 138 00:15:47,300 --> 00:15:56,700 that was true. So either I was inspired or a fool. I don't know. But it worked out that they did take 139 00:15:56,700 --> 00:16:06,960 care of us. And they took us on the Moscow subway and back to our hotel and escorted us the whole 140 00:16:06,960 --> 00:16:10,820 way. And that also taught me not only, 141 00:16:10,880 --> 00:16:17,880 do I go to my own groups with people I know that really care about me, but wherever I go, 142 00:16:18,100 --> 00:16:22,720 if I need something or I'm just hurting and I need somebody to understand me, 143 00:16:23,000 --> 00:16:28,000 I can walk into a room of Alcoholics Anonymous and there it is. And there it is. 144 00:16:28,000 --> 00:16:35,720 So in other travels that I've done, I've counted on that. I'm geographically challenged. And 145 00:16:35,720 --> 00:16:40,340 sometimes I'll find a meeting and I have no idea to get back to where I came from. But I'm, 146 00:16:40,880 --> 00:16:48,640 I'm always okay when I'm with, with AA. It's kind of the family that I didn't have growing up. 147 00:16:48,800 --> 00:16:55,480 And you've, I learned in AA how to grow up and how to be a responsible person. And I raised my 148 00:16:55,480 --> 00:17:01,060 children using the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. And still today, I, today I'm a 149 00:17:01,060 --> 00:17:10,740 grandmother. And I watch my son who has children, raise his kids and use the 10th step with them. 150 00:17:10,880 --> 00:17:15,100 I'm so sorry, blah, blah, blah. And he doesn't even know that that's it. He doesn't know he was 151 00:17:15,100 --> 00:17:21,560 raised with the 12 steps and it's being passed on yet to another generation. This works for 152 00:17:21,560 --> 00:17:30,940 everything. When I came back, I was offered, when I came back from the Soviet Union, I was offered 153 00:17:30,940 --> 00:17:37,100 a job at being the executive director of the Pasadena Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence. 154 00:17:37,100 --> 00:17:40,240 And it was, it was a challenging, challenging, 155 00:17:40,880 --> 00:17:46,180 challenging job. But when I got there, all these little God shot things happen. And I was going 156 00:17:46,180 --> 00:17:52,960 through some of the records that were so sorely neglected. I found a letter from Marty Mann 157 00:17:52,960 --> 00:18:01,720 congratulating the city of Pasadena, opening the, this chapter of the NCADD. And I was just 158 00:18:01,720 --> 00:18:09,400 blown away. I, here I was, I was able to be in, be helpful to something that she, there was, 159 00:18:09,400 --> 00:18:16,420 there was her signature. She knew all about it. It was very meaningful to me. And so that, that was, 160 00:18:16,540 --> 00:18:23,680 that was a highlight of my life. And I did that for a long time. And then my friendships in AA, 161 00:18:24,120 --> 00:18:29,260 the people in AA, when I first was asked to come here, I thought, okay, I'll look at the map and 162 00:18:29,260 --> 00:18:38,460 I'll show up and that sort of thing. And somebody brings me and I still go back into that place of 163 00:18:38,460 --> 00:18:39,380 nobody loves me. And I still go back into that place of nobody loves me. And I still go back into 164 00:18:39,400 --> 00:18:46,680 nobody cares. I think I'll eat a pile of worms if I'm really in a bad place. But I, it's always 165 00:18:46,680 --> 00:18:55,420 the people in AA that dispel that. And it's really wonderful for me. I've been able to share all 166 00:18:55,420 --> 00:19:02,420 kinds of things I'm so terribly ashamed of in AA. I have been to women's meetings and I, because of 167 00:19:02,420 --> 00:19:09,380 my experiences with my father, I felt dirty and ruined and like damaged goods. And I remember 168 00:19:09,400 --> 00:19:16,380 when I was testing myself, trying to, trying to convey my experiences to a group of people and 169 00:19:16,380 --> 00:19:22,100 see how they'd react. I was in a fairly large women's meeting and I brought it up. I said, 170 00:19:22,160 --> 00:19:29,300 this is what happened to me. And I said that, and this quiet room of women, maybe a third of the 171 00:19:29,300 --> 00:19:34,060 women in the room, I couldn't believe the number of women in the room, about a third of them raised 172 00:19:34,060 --> 00:19:38,540 their hands. And it was as if, 173 00:19:39,400 --> 00:19:50,740 I had been washed with warmth. It was very, very touching to me. I knew that I was okay. I wasn't 174 00:19:50,740 --> 00:20:00,660 spoiled goods, ruined goods. And now my family, I have this, I have a normal family. Who knew? 175 00:20:00,660 --> 00:20:09,040 I, my sons were three and four when I got sober. And my oldest son still remembers, 176 00:20:09,500 --> 00:20:16,980 uh, some of my drinking. And when he went to, uh, college for the first time, he was taking a, 177 00:20:17,060 --> 00:20:22,240 uh, music appreciation course. And apparently the, uh, professor that was teaching the course 178 00:20:22,240 --> 00:20:29,300 had been raised by an alcoholic parent. So he was saying, this reminds me of, and, and he was 179 00:20:29,300 --> 00:20:34,400 talking about all these horrible experiences he had with his alcoholic mother. And my son came 180 00:20:34,400 --> 00:20:39,480 home and he, uh, he said, you know, I remember that robe you used to wear. And I said, well, 181 00:20:39,480 --> 00:20:44,420 I remember that robe you used to wear and the smell and this and that. And, uh, I had enough 182 00:20:44,420 --> 00:20:52,630 sobriety under my belt at that time, thank God, to let him, my, it was my amends to him to allow 183 00:20:52,630 --> 00:21:00,650 him, uh, to have me sit calmly and listen to the recollections that he had as a, uh, young child. 184 00:21:01,110 --> 00:21:07,770 And, uh, he said, but mom, I'm proud of you and I love you. And, uh, then I got on the phone and 185 00:21:07,770 --> 00:21:09,250 talked to my sponsor and went, 186 00:21:09,610 --> 00:21:19,370 cried, but I didn't do it with him. I didn't do it with him. And, uh, my, my brother, I've 187 00:21:19,370 --> 00:21:27,350 lost contact with, I think that being, uh, being with me when I was going through my horrendous 188 00:21:27,350 --> 00:21:33,930 time, that he was responsible for me, it was too much for him. And he, uh, he disappeared 189 00:21:33,930 --> 00:21:39,790 and I've done internet searches and things, but I'm assuming that God, 190 00:21:39,830 --> 00:21:45,270 uh, is doing for me what I couldn't do for myself and that my family of origin is just not supposed 191 00:21:45,270 --> 00:21:52,550 to be a part of my life. But I've been giving this beautiful, beautiful family that, uh, is a 192 00:21:52,550 --> 00:21:58,510 family that I've been able to create with this husband that wanted to take care of me that I 193 00:21:58,510 --> 00:22:04,070 married. And it's amazing. I mean, we love each other. It's became a good relationship, but it's 194 00:22:04,070 --> 00:22:09,350 not because I made a good decision. It's because God was looking out for me. And, uh, 195 00:22:09,830 --> 00:22:17,070 I'm most appreciative of that. And now I, uh, I have these beautiful grandchildren and one, if I, 196 00:22:17,430 --> 00:22:26,310 if I look at my life and I'm in my seventies, so I look at my life and I, I think the greatest, 197 00:22:26,310 --> 00:22:30,970 if I I'm at the pearly gates or something, which I'm not planning to do for a long time because I 198 00:22:30,970 --> 00:22:37,950 have other stuff to do. But when that indeed happens, uh, the greatest accomplishment of my 199 00:22:37,950 --> 00:22:39,810 life will be to, uh, 200 00:22:39,830 --> 00:22:46,350 broken that chain. And it's not my accomplishment. It's our accomplishment. It's the accomplishment 201 00:22:46,350 --> 00:22:54,170 of AA and my God. And I see my little grandchildren run up to me and see their family. It doesn't even 202 00:22:54,170 --> 00:23:00,070 occur to them that they're not totally loved or they're not going to be okay. And they're not 203 00:23:00,070 --> 00:23:06,350 going to be taken care of. And, uh, that just fills my heart with so much joy. I can barely 204 00:23:06,350 --> 00:23:09,430 stand it because, uh, to get from there to, you know, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, 205 00:23:09,430 --> 00:23:15,690 to hear is something that isn't humanly possible. It's only something that is possible through, uh, 206 00:23:15,830 --> 00:23:21,470 through God and Alcoholics Anonymous. And my friend Annie was telling me to tell these funny 207 00:23:21,470 --> 00:23:28,590 stories of what I did. And I guess I'm not, I'm not really in a funny mood, but I do have some 208 00:23:28,590 --> 00:23:35,130 funny stories and I do believe that we're supposed to laugh at least once a day, but I really care 209 00:23:35,130 --> 00:23:39,410 about not how I look as a speaker so much, but I really care about how I look as a speaker. And I 210 00:23:39,430 --> 00:23:45,690 want people to know that this stuff really, really works. It's powerful stuff if you just 211 00:23:45,690 --> 00:23:52,430 do it. And, uh, I, the most profound words I think in the, in the big book are God couldn't 212 00:23:52,430 --> 00:24:02,440 would if he were sought. And I'm, I'm a skeptic. Uh, I'm cautious. And I didn't know when I came 213 00:24:02,440 --> 00:24:08,980 in, you people seemed all pretty weird. Uh, I didn't know if that was going to be true, but 214 00:24:08,980 --> 00:24:09,440 God couldn't would if he were sought. And I'm, I'm a skeptic. I'm cautious. And I didn't know 215 00:24:09,460 --> 00:24:12,820 if that was going to be true, but God couldn't would if he were sought. It really, really is true. 216 00:24:12,960 --> 00:24:18,480 And if they can do it for somebody like me, that was totally screwed up. I couldn't, there was no 217 00:24:18,480 --> 00:24:24,800 place to even restore me to. I was just a mess. If that could happen with me, it can happen with 218 00:24:24,800 --> 00:24:31,860 anybody. And I was not a happy camper when I came in these rooms, but the disease of, uh, alcoholism 219 00:24:31,860 --> 00:24:39,440 isn't contagious, but, uh, the recovery is. So if you can just hang out and stay with God, 220 00:24:39,460 --> 00:24:46,760 with it, even if, uh, it seems a little odd. I mean, it's quite something to be told that we have 221 00:24:46,760 --> 00:24:53,800 a disease. If I have a disease, give me a pill, do surgery, do something. But it's quite odd to be 222 00:24:53,800 --> 00:24:58,980 told that you have a disease. So go hang out with these other sick people. What kind of a, 223 00:24:59,200 --> 00:25:06,160 what kind of a solution is that? But it works. It really works. And it is contagious. And I can call, 224 00:25:06,160 --> 00:25:09,300 I have normie friends and I have, 225 00:25:09,460 --> 00:25:14,780 regular friends and with my normie friends, I mean, they're wonderful people, but when I call 226 00:25:14,780 --> 00:25:20,580 them, I have to say, hello, how are you? And do this little polite thing. But with my AA friends, 227 00:25:20,580 --> 00:25:25,260 I can just call and I can say, oh, this is what's happening. Blah, blah, blah. I need to talk. 228 00:25:25,700 --> 00:25:33,960 Um, I have a whole group of people that I can be myself with. And when I, I, the last time I spoke, 229 00:25:33,960 --> 00:25:38,740 it was at a Palisades meeting and I felt everyone was just so put together. I, 230 00:25:38,860 --> 00:25:39,440 I, 231 00:25:39,460 --> 00:25:45,570 I was trying to, I, I'm being more myself for this meeting. I feel very comfortable here. It's 232 00:25:45,570 --> 00:25:58,630 really nice. Cause you seem like regular people. Uh, so, uh, so that's, I was, I just told you that 233 00:25:58,630 --> 00:26:05,490 I was a terrible mess and it felt just fine. But, um, the real challenge isn't necessarily the big 234 00:26:05,490 --> 00:26:09,090 stuff. Definitely during the big stuff, the big accomplishments, 235 00:26:09,850 --> 00:26:15,750 the joy has been greater because I share it all with you. And certainly I've had, uh, tragedies 236 00:26:15,750 --> 00:26:24,550 happen in my life and challenges happen in my life. And if I'm willing, people will help me and 237 00:26:24,550 --> 00:26:31,710 get me through it. But quite honestly, the most difficult part of my sobriety has been just living 238 00:26:31,710 --> 00:26:37,530 in this weird world. This weird world feels kind of like a crapshoot. Even if I have it together 239 00:26:37,530 --> 00:26:39,830 and I'm doing the things that I need to do, I'm not going to be able to do it. I'm not going to be 240 00:26:39,850 --> 00:26:44,230 able to do what I need to do. Um, I, there are shootings, there are babies that are born that 241 00:26:44,230 --> 00:26:49,670 don't deserve to have problems. And they have, I mean, the world is not a fair place. And I was 242 00:26:49,670 --> 00:26:55,430 told when I first got sober that, uh, one of the biggest errors that I could make as an alcoholic 243 00:26:55,430 --> 00:27:01,810 is to get sober and expect the world to be fair. I don't like that. And I don't like hearing about 244 00:27:01,810 --> 00:27:06,390 all of these things. And I worry about my children. I worry about my grandchildren. I just 245 00:27:06,390 --> 00:27:09,790 don't like it. But when I was working in social services, 246 00:27:09,850 --> 00:27:19,090 I had on my desk, uh, something that helped me, um, not worry about the unfairness of the world. 247 00:27:19,090 --> 00:27:23,910 And it's a, uh, something that was written on the wall of a cellar in Cologne, Germany, 248 00:27:23,910 --> 00:27:31,050 where the Jews were hiding from the Nazis. And, uh, it says, I believe in the sun when it is not 249 00:27:31,050 --> 00:27:38,410 shining. I believe in love, even when feeling it not. And I believe in God, 250 00:27:39,030 --> 00:27:39,830 even when feeling it not. And I believe in God, even when feeling it not. And I believe in God, 251 00:27:39,830 --> 00:27:46,110 when he is silent. And on those days where I think, oh God, what is happening? And I can't 252 00:27:46,110 --> 00:27:54,190 make sense of the world. I breathe and I say that to myself and I keep on keeping on. And that's the 253 00:27:54,190 --> 00:27:59,490 other thing that I've adopted for this, uh, those lights are never going to light up. 254 00:27:59,490 --> 00:28:09,810 But that's the other thing that I've adopted, um, for in my, uh, sobriety is just, 255 00:28:09,830 --> 00:28:14,330 to keep on, I have the, I don't know if any of you remember the song of keep on keeping on. 256 00:28:14,710 --> 00:28:20,410 And, uh, sometimes things don't make sense, but I'm not going to give up. I'm not going to give 257 00:28:20,410 --> 00:28:26,770 up because it would be an insult to the legacy of all the people that came to help me. It would be 258 00:28:26,770 --> 00:28:34,590 an insult to Alcoholics Anonymous and it would be an insult to my family and to my friends. So I 259 00:28:34,590 --> 00:28:38,250 do keep on keeping on. Absolutely. 260 00:28:39,830 --> 00:28:47,210 Um, the stigma of alcoholism is another thing that I've seen change over the years. Uh, when I 261 00:28:47,210 --> 00:28:53,890 first got sober, women are, were not supposed to be alcoholics. And if you look at movies and things, 262 00:28:53,890 --> 00:29:00,550 you'll see that, uh, often it's the man they'll make the man is funny if he's a drunk, but women 263 00:29:00,550 --> 00:29:08,520 are not funny if they're drunks. And, uh, I, the stigma is, is much less now. And I like to be able 264 00:29:08,520 --> 00:29:09,940 to, uh, to offer. 265 00:29:09,960 --> 00:29:17,480 That to people that to other women, it's you're okay. You're okay. And, um, I'm now retired from 266 00:29:17,480 --> 00:29:24,340 all those social, social service things. And for somebody that was terribly, terribly afraid to, 267 00:29:24,340 --> 00:29:33,180 uh, be with myself, I become this super meditator person. I love to meditate and I love to be with 268 00:29:33,180 --> 00:29:38,980 my God who I didn't even acknowledge existed in any point in time. 269 00:29:39,580 --> 00:29:39,940 And meditation, 270 00:29:39,960 --> 00:29:47,300 meditation has saved my life. Meditation has absolutely saved my life. And I'm always led 271 00:29:47,300 --> 00:29:53,920 where I need to go when I originally just used meditation for myself. And then when people would 272 00:29:53,920 --> 00:29:59,600 be having surgeries or problems and they would ask me to come and meditate with them, I would do that 273 00:29:59,600 --> 00:30:03,880 because they were my friends. And rather than saying, Oh, I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm so 274 00:30:03,880 --> 00:30:08,840 sorry for your grief. I felt like I was doing something. So I would meditate with my friends 275 00:30:09,580 --> 00:30:09,940 and, uh, 276 00:30:09,960 --> 00:30:17,880 once I retired, I took all these meditation courses to get closer to a God that I was angry 277 00:30:17,880 --> 00:30:25,140 with at one time. And it's been a fabulous experience. And I now, um, am a meditation 278 00:30:25,140 --> 00:30:35,320 teacher and I teach meditation just part-time as my, uh, old lady job. And I, I'm, I'm enjoying 279 00:30:35,320 --> 00:30:39,580 it immensely because it's the only thing that makes sense to me after my life has been gone. 280 00:30:39,580 --> 00:30:47,020 My life experience is not only learning things, but, uh, most precious experience of all is to be 281 00:30:47,020 --> 00:30:52,280 able to help somebody make a difference in somebody's life. And I think part of, part of 282 00:30:52,280 --> 00:30:57,780 the legacy of AA for me has been, I need to know if I get up in the morning that there's a purpose, 283 00:30:57,780 --> 00:31:06,220 that there's a reason that I have something to offer. And from this worthless child that nobody 284 00:31:06,220 --> 00:31:09,420 wanted to take care of, or nobody wanted, 285 00:31:09,580 --> 00:31:17,440 uh, to be around, uh, people want me around now. Um, I'll never forget when I, my grandchildren 286 00:31:17,440 --> 00:31:24,540 were born and my daughter-in-law had to go back to, uh, to work. I would go down to, uh, 287 00:31:24,640 --> 00:31:33,380 to Torrance twice a week to take care of these babies. And I remember one day leaving my grand, 288 00:31:33,380 --> 00:31:39,560 my, um, daughter-in-law was leaving and I was taking care of the grandkids and my grandson had, 289 00:31:39,580 --> 00:31:43,980 a little bit of a fever. And she said, I really feel safe knowing that you're with them because 290 00:31:43,980 --> 00:31:51,620 I know that if you're with them, they're going to be okay. Um, I'm a drunk, but, uh, I'm a sober 291 00:31:51,620 --> 00:32:00,980 drunk and, uh, they were okay with me. And, uh, it's been an incredible, incredible gift. So, um, 292 00:32:00,980 --> 00:32:03,380 I'm done. Thank you.