1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:03,680 All right, now I'd like to introduce our main speaker, Susanne B. 2 00:00:03,680 --> 00:00:07,120 Hi, I'm Susanne. I'm an alcoholic. Thank you, Alex, for having me. 3 00:00:07,120 --> 00:00:11,840 Thank you for greeting me so beautifully. Where's my greeter person? Brought me from the 4 00:00:11,840 --> 00:00:17,200 thank you so much. That person, my speaker greeter. And for all the people who came up to me 5 00:00:17,200 --> 00:00:22,000 and said something nice and told me I still look young, very nice to hear. 6 00:00:23,440 --> 00:00:29,120 So first, I want to thank Frank and Eddie. That was great. You talked about, there you are, 7 00:00:29,120 --> 00:00:34,000 you talked about some of the causes and conditions, right? In AA, we start to figure 8 00:00:34,000 --> 00:00:37,680 out what some of the causes and conditions were, and you guys both talked about those in really 9 00:00:37,680 --> 00:00:41,680 beautiful ways. It's so interesting, Frank. I know so many people who have come to this country and 10 00:00:41,680 --> 00:00:47,200 left babies behind, and I have always wondered, like, what is that like? And I just got a really 11 00:00:47,200 --> 00:00:51,200 good idea of what that's like. So that was very moving. Anyway, so I'm going to tell you in a 12 00:00:51,200 --> 00:00:54,640 general way what I used to be like, what happened to me in Alcoholics Anonymous, and what I'm like 13 00:00:54,640 --> 00:00:58,960 now. And I promise, no matter what, I will sit down on time. And you won't have to red 14 00:00:58,960 --> 00:01:05,280 light me. I'll get down. I'll behave. So a lot of what the first two speakers talked about 15 00:01:05,280 --> 00:01:10,320 is at the heart of my alcoholism too, like a fundamental belief that people don't love me 16 00:01:10,320 --> 00:01:15,200 or that I'm not enough, and then like outlandish, crazy circumstances that make it really hard for 17 00:01:15,200 --> 00:01:21,520 me to like myself at all, you know, right? And so I'm the fourth kid in a family with a mom who 18 00:01:21,520 --> 00:01:28,800 didn't want any kids. Like she wanted no kids. And my dad kept sabotaging her birth control. So she got 19 00:01:28,800 --> 00:01:35,760 pregnant nine times. And every, I mean, he was good. So every other baby was a stillbirth because 20 00:01:35,760 --> 00:01:41,600 my mom had a really strange structural abnormality, which back in the day, they didn't really 21 00:01:41,600 --> 00:01:47,360 understand. And now they know a lot better. But anyway, so I'm the last of the lot. And if she had 22 00:01:47,360 --> 00:01:52,640 any patience for the first couple, it was gone by the time Susanne arrived. And, you know, the 23 00:01:52,640 --> 00:01:58,400 phrase I remember hearing the most as a kid is, go away, Sue. Like, I remember those words vividly. 24 00:01:58,400 --> 00:02:03,100 Go away, Sue. Go away, Sue. And it's like, is that the reason I'm an alcoholic? No, because I 25 00:02:03,100 --> 00:02:07,440 am surrounded in AA by people with beautiful childhoods. So I know that it's not why I'm 26 00:02:07,440 --> 00:02:14,600 an alcoholic. But with my peculiar mental twist, that translated to, they don't love me. She doesn't, 27 00:02:14,660 --> 00:02:19,800 you know, she wishes I wasn't here. Gosh, maybe I'm faulty. I'm wrong. There's something about 28 00:02:19,800 --> 00:02:24,300 me that is a reason for that. And in Alcoholics Anonymous, I learned that I'm driven by absolute 29 00:02:24,300 --> 00:02:28,380 self-obsession, which means that I think about myself in good terms. I think about myself in 30 00:02:28,400 --> 00:02:33,380 bad terms. But God, I think about myself, you know. And those were the early days of that starting 31 00:02:33,380 --> 00:02:38,280 in me. It's like, that was about me, you know. And so when I would go to visit my father, 32 00:02:38,440 --> 00:02:42,600 my parents were divorced. And when I would go to stay at my father's house, there was ample 33 00:02:42,600 --> 00:02:48,320 access to alcohol at my dad's house. Everybody drank. Alcohol was freely available. And very 34 00:02:48,320 --> 00:02:54,040 young, I started to lean on that. I started to lean on taking a few drinks, you know. And 35 00:02:54,040 --> 00:02:58,380 there were some other substances in that house, and those were just as freely, 36 00:02:58,400 --> 00:03:02,540 freely available. And in the early years, I was a garbage can. I was the girl who would take it 37 00:03:02,540 --> 00:03:06,880 and then say, what did I just take? Just so I'm not surprised, you know, in 15 minutes when that 38 00:03:06,880 --> 00:03:13,940 hits. And, you know, so I can't bring myself to regret a moment of that. That's probably really 39 00:03:13,940 --> 00:03:18,660 wrong, right? That's sad for me to say to you. Like, I don't regret a moment of that. But if I 40 00:03:18,660 --> 00:03:25,520 hadn't had that, I would have become absolutely insane. My dad was a pilot, and so he was gone 41 00:03:25,520 --> 00:03:28,380 a great deal. And again, I'm the youngest, and I was the youngest, and I was the youngest. 42 00:03:28,400 --> 00:03:33,080 I was a girl. And so starting very young, six, seven, eight years old, I was left to fend for 43 00:03:33,080 --> 00:03:40,120 myself in San Francisco. And my dad had a lot of druggie friends, and they were kind of had an 44 00:03:40,120 --> 00:03:45,300 open-door policy. And so my early years were filled with trying to figure out which one's a 45 00:03:45,300 --> 00:03:49,240 pedophile and how do I get away? You know, seriously, that was like, that was it, man. 46 00:03:49,280 --> 00:03:54,220 In my house, it was like, I am unprotected as unprotected can be. And it was safer outside 47 00:03:54,220 --> 00:03:58,380 the doors than it was inside the doors a lot of nights. And I slept in the park. I went back to 48 00:03:58,400 --> 00:04:02,200 San Francisco with my husband a few years ago, and I showed him, right? He's heard me tell this 49 00:04:02,200 --> 00:04:06,820 story. And I showed him the tree where I used to sleep, you know? And so thank God I could get 50 00:04:06,820 --> 00:04:11,260 loaded. Thank God I got drunk. Like, what else was I, what else did I have going for me? And 51 00:04:11,260 --> 00:04:16,680 scenario, you know, like, I could check out, and thank God I could check out. And if that had stayed 52 00:04:16,680 --> 00:04:21,260 the case, like, if that was the way alcohol was for me at the end, I would never be your speaker 53 00:04:21,260 --> 00:04:25,220 tonight. I would never have stopped. Why would I ever have stopped? Like, it wasn't my problem, 54 00:04:25,220 --> 00:04:29,980 it was my solution. And it worked really well, right up until it freaking didn't. And it's like, 55 00:04:30,140 --> 00:04:34,700 I would never have quit drinking. Who would, you know? And so anyway, so I'm going along, 56 00:04:34,760 --> 00:04:38,960 and I'm a teenager, and the teenage years are hard under the best of circumstances. And, you know, 57 00:04:39,060 --> 00:04:43,780 I'm, at this point, I'm living in Marin County, which is just north of San Francisco. It's like, 58 00:04:43,860 --> 00:04:49,100 at that time, in the 80s, it was like the richest county in America. It was, you know, and I was not 59 00:04:49,100 --> 00:04:53,240 rich. And I had homemade clothes, because I'd been living in the Ozark Mountains with my mom, 60 00:04:53,240 --> 00:04:58,840 and I'd had questionable personal hygiene. And I had absolutely no idea how to put on makeup. And 61 00:04:58,840 --> 00:05:03,080 I went into a school where all the girls, literally, a lot of the girls had already 62 00:05:03,080 --> 00:05:08,260 had plastic surgery. Like, they looked fabulous. And they had money to dress. And as we got older, 63 00:05:08,340 --> 00:05:13,740 they had fancy cars. And I just stood out, you know? And I had one thing going for me, 64 00:05:13,780 --> 00:05:19,360 which is that I'd been a gymnast, and I was pretty good at gymnastics. And so in Marin County, 65 00:05:19,360 --> 00:05:23,200 to make the cheerleading squad, all you have to have is having had a nose job. And, 66 00:05:23,280 --> 00:05:25,920 you know, be dating a football player. Like, you're on. You're good. You're a cheerleader. 67 00:05:26,360 --> 00:05:31,000 And so I show up to tryouts, and I'm the only one who can do absolutely any gymnastics. Nobody can 68 00:05:31,000 --> 00:05:35,060 do any kind of, like, backflip, forward flip. Nobody can do back handsprings. Nobody can do 69 00:05:35,060 --> 00:05:38,220 anything, right? So they put me on the squad, right? Why wouldn't they? I'm new to the school. 70 00:05:38,680 --> 00:05:43,560 I can do gymnastics. I'm on the squad. But remember, I'm backwards, abused, dirty girl, 71 00:05:43,660 --> 00:05:49,380 right? I'm not, like, a regular teenage girl. And so very quickly, they realize I have no clue how 72 00:05:49,380 --> 00:05:53,000 to do this cheerleader thing. And so it's the big homecoming game, right? 73 00:05:53,240 --> 00:05:57,420 This is my opportunity. I'm going to shine. They put me on the top of the pyramid. I'm going to 74 00:05:57,420 --> 00:06:02,800 double vault off, right? It's going to be great. And so I did that. I double vault off, and I 75 00:06:02,800 --> 00:06:06,180 landed it. And then I posed with my arms up, and they took a picture, which made it into the 76 00:06:06,180 --> 00:06:10,200 district newsletter. So all the schools in the district got the picture, you know, in their 77 00:06:10,200 --> 00:06:16,920 newspapers. And I hadn't shaved under my arms. And so I am a cheerleader standing in front of a 78 00:06:16,920 --> 00:06:23,360 whole group of cheerleaders with little rats under my armpits. And it's, 79 00:06:23,360 --> 00:06:28,520 it's over. There is no coming back socially in Marin County from hairy armpit girl. Done. 80 00:06:28,960 --> 00:06:34,580 Like, you're finished. And so I crawled into a bottle, and I drank the way I wanted to drink. 81 00:06:34,620 --> 00:06:38,260 And that's how I finished my illustrious high school career, was as the drunken, 82 00:06:38,400 --> 00:06:42,920 drunken blonde girl, you know, the drunken backward blonde girl. And I went to the school 83 00:06:42,920 --> 00:06:47,860 counselor, and I said, you know, there's a problem with my drinking. I mean, I could even see. Like, 84 00:06:47,880 --> 00:06:51,400 I'd be at parties and things. You know, I'd ancillarily get invited because I dated, 85 00:06:51,400 --> 00:06:53,200 I had a boyfriend who was a track 86 00:06:53,200 --> 00:06:56,780 guy. And I don't know why he was my boyfriend, now that I think about that. I really have to 87 00:06:56,780 --> 00:07:01,180 think about that. Anyway, he liked me for some strange reason. And so we, so he would bring me 88 00:07:01,180 --> 00:07:05,260 to things. And I'm, and I would watch the other 17-year-olds drinking, and my drinking was 89 00:07:05,260 --> 00:07:08,780 different. Like, even then, I could really see it. So I went to the school counselor, and I said, 90 00:07:08,820 --> 00:07:12,400 I think I have a drinking problem, problem with some outside issues, and I need some help. And 91 00:07:12,400 --> 00:07:15,880 she said, we have a group here at the school. We meet once a week, and we talk about our drinking, 92 00:07:16,060 --> 00:07:19,640 and, you know, we support each other. And I was like, okay. So I went to the group. And 93 00:07:19,640 --> 00:07:23,740 after 30 days of going to the group, I wasn't drinking anymore. I had stopped drinking. And 94 00:07:23,740 --> 00:07:27,680 what I know now in Alcoholics Anonymous is I took the first step, right? I admitted I was powerless 95 00:07:27,680 --> 00:07:32,220 over alcohol, and that my life was unmanageable. I had nobody said the steps, nobody, they weren't 96 00:07:32,220 --> 00:07:37,340 on the wall. It was not an AA meeting. But that's what it was, is I admitted I was powerless. And 97 00:07:37,340 --> 00:07:43,180 if that was enough, I would be great. But it turns out that when you are reliant upon alcohol 98 00:07:43,180 --> 00:07:48,480 spiritually and physically, and you take it away, you just have this gaping hole. And I just had 99 00:07:48,480 --> 00:07:49,620 this gaping hole. And I just had this gaping hole. And I just had this gaping hole. And I just had this 100 00:07:49,620 --> 00:07:53,380 gaping hole now to contend with, which meant that everything people said to me, like, cut me 101 00:07:53,380 --> 00:07:58,140 like a knife. Like, people would say things offhand, and it would hurt so badly. I was so sensitive. And 102 00:07:58,140 --> 00:08:01,880 I couldn't figure out how to do the basics. Like, how do you do homework without drinking? And 103 00:08:01,880 --> 00:08:05,820 how do you go out with your boyfriend? How do you have sex without drinking? How do you do this? And 104 00:08:05,820 --> 00:08:11,380 I had no skill set. And so after a month, I just flipped out. And if I do something, I do it full 105 00:08:11,380 --> 00:08:17,400 bore. I flipped out epic. I flipped out, come and take me away to the mental hospital, psychotic 106 00:08:17,400 --> 00:08:21,720 break, flip out. I'm pretty proud of that. I do it pretty well. You know, I guess you're good at 107 00:08:21,720 --> 00:08:28,500 kissing, Frank. I'm good at psychotic breakdowns. Everybody's good at something. So I went away to 108 00:08:28,500 --> 00:08:32,780 the mental hospital, and I live most of the next four years institutionalized. I get out for a 109 00:08:32,780 --> 00:08:37,240 while, and I end up back in. And that's me on the natch. That's what happens to me when I stop 110 00:08:37,240 --> 00:08:44,020 drinking, is I flip out. And so why would I do that? And so I did that for years, stayed clean 111 00:08:44,020 --> 00:08:47,380 and dry. And I mean, I really did avail myself of that. And I did that for years. And I did that for 112 00:08:47,400 --> 00:08:53,280 the mental hospital. Like, my minister says that mental breakdowns are highly underrated spiritual 113 00:08:53,280 --> 00:08:58,980 experiences. And he's right. Like, that's a spiritual, that's a radical repositioning of 114 00:08:58,980 --> 00:09:03,740 your makeup. Like, when you have a major breakdown, like, you're getting built again in a really new 115 00:09:03,740 --> 00:09:08,780 way. And so I did avail myself of the help there. I got a lot of therapy for all the child abuse. I 116 00:09:08,780 --> 00:09:14,860 got a lot of help for, you know, myself loathing and some of my patterns of coping. And like, 117 00:09:14,860 --> 00:09:17,240 I made really cool vases. We had, like, 118 00:09:17,400 --> 00:09:22,640 lottery class. And I made really great vases. And I dated a little bit. That was great. The dating in 119 00:09:22,640 --> 00:09:28,400 the mental hospital is awesome. It's like, you can break up with me, but neither of us are going 120 00:09:28,400 --> 00:09:33,200 anywhere. So we should just settle in. You know, like, I'll be, you can date her, but I'm there, 121 00:09:33,320 --> 00:09:39,100 too. I'm still here, you know. And so it's intense, you know, it's great intensity. And 122 00:09:39,100 --> 00:09:45,620 so I had a good time in the mental hospital. But after several years of that, like, is this all 123 00:09:45,620 --> 00:09:47,380 there is? Like, this is me without alcohol. And I'm like, I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to 124 00:09:47,400 --> 00:09:52,160 and I was clear that I had major problems. I was clear that I was depressed. I had some obsessive 125 00:09:52,160 --> 00:09:56,500 compulsive disorder, although that ended up being, like, actually helpful, because later we found out 126 00:09:56,500 --> 00:10:01,980 I have a super bad immune system. And so all that handwashing actually turned out to be an advantage. 127 00:10:02,380 --> 00:10:06,940 But so I had, like, all these issues. I had all these diagnoses. I had all these problems. And so 128 00:10:06,940 --> 00:10:11,140 I was clear that I had problems. I mean, you could not argue. If you go psychotic and have, 129 00:10:11,440 --> 00:10:16,160 I went catatonic and had to be taken off in an ambulance. You cannot deny that you have problems 130 00:10:16,160 --> 00:10:20,940 when that happens to you. But I did not think alcohol was my problem. I really didn't. And so 131 00:10:20,940 --> 00:10:24,520 after a certain number of years of that crap, I left the hospital and I started drinking. And I 132 00:10:24,520 --> 00:10:29,700 met a guy who was a musician in L.A. And there was a program, a college program down here that I kind 133 00:10:29,700 --> 00:10:33,880 of liked. And so that's how I ended up in L.A. It was just that random of a decision. Guys here, 134 00:10:34,060 --> 00:10:38,200 schools here that'll work, I'll go to L.A. So I moved down here and I lasted just over a year 135 00:10:38,200 --> 00:10:42,740 drinking the way I wanted to. I could drink as much as I wanted. My boyfriend was a musician and 136 00:10:42,740 --> 00:10:46,140 he had access to anything I could want. The money was never going to go away. And so I was like, 137 00:10:46,140 --> 00:10:51,240 a problem. And getting my hands on something that I want. I still wasn't 21. Getting my hands on what 138 00:10:51,240 --> 00:10:55,220 I want. I was just about to turn 21. I turned 21 with it. Getting my hands on whatever I wanted, 139 00:10:55,280 --> 00:10:59,540 not a problem. Could have anything that I wanted. And so I did. And it just, I lasted 18 months. 140 00:10:59,660 --> 00:11:03,700 And one of the people, one of the artists in the band he was in was sober. And so when we were on 141 00:11:03,700 --> 00:11:07,980 the road, she would go off to meetings. She'd go off to a meeting, off to a meeting. And so I was 142 00:11:07,980 --> 00:11:11,280 like, what are you doing? And she's like, I'm going to an AA meeting. And she had stayed sober 143 00:11:11,280 --> 00:11:15,980 seven years, which was unfathomable to me. And so the day that I hit my, 144 00:11:16,140 --> 00:11:20,960 the day that I realized like, I can't go on like this one more minute. And it wasn't even the worst 145 00:11:20,960 --> 00:11:27,260 thing that had ever happened. It just was pathetic. I was pathetic. I had a girlfriend. She was deaf. 146 00:11:27,420 --> 00:11:30,580 I'm fluent in American sign language. And I was over at her apartment, her boyfriend, 147 00:11:30,780 --> 00:11:35,000 she had just broken up and she was heartbroken. My girlfriend who I'm very good friends with is 148 00:11:35,000 --> 00:11:39,940 heartbroken. I'm sitting in her apartment and I cannot stay because I got to drink now. I can't 149 00:11:39,940 --> 00:11:44,140 stay and listen. She's crying. And in the middle of her crying, this girl who's been there for me 150 00:11:44,140 --> 00:11:48,780 through so much, I stand up and excuse myself and go home and start drinking because I can't not 151 00:11:48,780 --> 00:11:52,740 drink another minute. And that was it. That's what drove me to AA. It was pathetic. And I went to a 152 00:11:52,740 --> 00:11:56,840 meeting a couple of days later and it was the Friday night Beverly Glen speaker meeting. People 153 00:11:56,840 --> 00:12:01,740 call it Dickens. And I walked into that meeting. It was April of 1991. And I was young and as 154 00:12:01,740 --> 00:12:06,500 alcoholic as could be. And I walked into the meeting and I started this deal. And I wish I 155 00:12:06,500 --> 00:12:11,300 could tell you I did a good job with it. I wish I could say to you that I threw myself full force 156 00:12:11,300 --> 00:12:14,080 into the program and worked it the way it's suggested, but that is not me. 157 00:12:14,140 --> 00:12:18,000 I'm sure there's other speakers who can tell you that. And it's true for them, but it was not true 158 00:12:18,000 --> 00:12:23,000 for me. I half measured this thing as much as I could. I'm so fortunate I did not get drunk. And 159 00:12:23,000 --> 00:12:27,440 so I would go to meetings when I felt like it. I did not go to regular meetings at regular meeting 160 00:12:27,440 --> 00:12:31,680 times. I had a sponsor, but I'd call her after I did whatever I was going to do. And she kept 161 00:12:31,680 --> 00:12:37,040 calling that a history lesson. And I worked the steps, but I was on the slow track. We could get 162 00:12:37,040 --> 00:12:42,680 to a step maybe once every six months. And by nine months, I'm stark raving mad again. I'm at the 163 00:12:42,680 --> 00:12:44,120 house. I'm at the house parking lot getting to a 164 00:12:44,140 --> 00:12:48,200 fight with a guy who's driving a truck because he honked and called me a bitch. And now I'm on 165 00:12:48,200 --> 00:12:51,580 the hood of his truck, ripping his windshield wiper blades off and trying to stab him through 166 00:12:51,580 --> 00:12:57,680 his window. And he's putting the truck in reverse to get away from the 95-pound blonde crazy girl. 167 00:12:58,000 --> 00:13:02,400 And I'm seeing that look in his face. I've seen that look before. Actually, sadly, I've seen it 168 00:13:02,400 --> 00:13:07,720 since, but not for a long time. But that look, which is like, I'm in real danger. She's insane. 169 00:13:08,260 --> 00:13:12,920 And so seeing that look was like, ugh. So I went home and I called my sponsor and I got banned 170 00:13:12,920 --> 00:13:14,120 from Ralph's for fighting again. 171 00:13:14,140 --> 00:13:18,760 And so I called my sponsor and I'm like, I can't go to Ralph's. I'm banned for fighting. And I'm 172 00:13:18,760 --> 00:13:23,560 having all sorts of problems in my relationships. And I'm not getting to meetings enough. And nobody 173 00:13:23,560 --> 00:13:27,800 in AA likes me anyway. And they're clicky. And everybody likes Mary. She's adorable. And nobody 174 00:13:27,800 --> 00:13:33,340 likes me. And I just, all that craziness. And if my sponsor had said to me, you know, honey, 175 00:13:33,440 --> 00:13:37,520 there are 3,000 meetings a week in AA. That meeting sounds clicky. You should go to a different one. 176 00:13:37,760 --> 00:13:42,080 Or if she'd said, maybe you should just take a nice bubble bath. I would not be here today, 177 00:13:42,200 --> 00:13:43,820 right? If that had been, if I, 178 00:13:44,140 --> 00:13:49,040 God help me, if I had chosen a sponsor who didn't have a sponsor, who wasn't working the steps and 179 00:13:49,040 --> 00:13:54,240 didn't know this program, I would not be standing here today. But I didn't. I had chosen a woman who 180 00:13:54,240 --> 00:13:59,180 had a sponsor, was actively in the steps and was active in Alcoholics Anonymous. And she said to me, 181 00:13:59,660 --> 00:14:03,280 like, you're making this all about you. And you know what? You don't work the program. You do some 182 00:14:03,280 --> 00:14:07,940 random Suzanne thing. And all these people who are doing well, guess what? We're doing it 183 00:14:07,940 --> 00:14:11,460 differently. We're doing it the way AA laid out. We're in regular meetings. We have commitments. 184 00:14:11,460 --> 00:14:13,960 We're working the steps, right? We're praying every day. 185 00:14:14,140 --> 00:14:17,080 You know, we're trying to see what we can bring rather than what we can get. You know, 186 00:14:17,140 --> 00:14:21,180 this is what we're doing in Alcoholics Anonymous. And why don't you freaking join us? Come and try 187 00:14:21,180 --> 00:14:26,320 it, you know? And for whatever reason, that was God's moment with me. You know, and I've seen in 188 00:14:26,320 --> 00:14:31,700 all the years I've been here, I've seen people get these moments. And I've seen people grab those 189 00:14:31,700 --> 00:14:36,180 moments and stay here. And then I've seen people get those moments and say to themselves, I'll get 190 00:14:36,180 --> 00:14:41,480 another moment. Wrong. When it's that moment, that moment of clarity of really getting it, 191 00:14:41,480 --> 00:14:46,180 I see that come around once for each of us. That real moment, I see that once for everybody. 192 00:14:46,620 --> 00:14:50,660 And if you toss it aside, you may get sober, you may not. But I can tell you it's going to be 193 00:14:50,660 --> 00:14:55,300 hard. You know, and I had that moment, and I heard her, and I changed what I was doing. And I did it 194 00:14:55,300 --> 00:14:59,440 on a dime. And I didn't want to do what she said, and I did it anyway. And the first thing she said 195 00:14:59,440 --> 00:15:05,520 is I had to go get a commitment. And I went to the Wednesday night third tradition group, and Harvey 196 00:15:05,520 --> 00:15:10,400 G. was the secretary. And I walked up to him. And if any of you ever knew Harvey G., he's a little 197 00:15:10,400 --> 00:15:14,420 intimidating. And I walked up to him, and I said, my sponsor says I need a commitment. And he said, 198 00:15:14,460 --> 00:15:18,960 we need a greeter. So you're the new greeter. Now, this is not a big deal to all of you. But it was 199 00:15:18,960 --> 00:15:23,340 a 200-person meeting, and I have obsessive compulsive disorder. I can't touch people. 200 00:15:23,780 --> 00:15:28,000 And I'm the greeter. Like, no, literally. I'm not saying to you like, oh, I'm a little scared. 201 00:15:28,260 --> 00:15:32,900 People are freaking filthy, and I'm going to die. If I touch you, I'm going to die. And so he put me 202 00:15:32,900 --> 00:15:39,120 at the door, and I had to shake 200 people's hands every Wednesday night. And it was the worst thing 203 00:15:39,120 --> 00:15:43,700 ever. And I was desperate. I was desperate to have what my sponsor said I could get here if I did what 204 00:15:43,700 --> 00:15:48,280 she said. And so I did it. I stood at that door. And I mean, I'm not crazy. I wore a glove. I'm not 205 00:15:48,280 --> 00:15:52,460 going to touch people. So I had a glove on my hand. But still, things can get through a glove. 206 00:15:52,800 --> 00:15:57,460 So I shook people's hands. And what I thought would happen is I'll be the greeter, and you'll 207 00:15:57,460 --> 00:16:01,540 like me. You'll start to get to know me, and you'll like me. And that's totally what I thought 208 00:16:01,540 --> 00:16:04,420 was going to happen. I thought, that's the secret. That's why my sponsor has me greedy. 209 00:16:04,800 --> 00:16:08,680 She has me doing commitments so that people will start to like me, right? Because I'm so sad and 210 00:16:09,120 --> 00:16:13,480 you know, what I do when I'm lonely is I isolate, right? I treat loneliness with isolation. It's a 211 00:16:13,480 --> 00:16:17,740 great plan. And so that's what I thought the greeting was going to do. But it turned out what 212 00:16:17,740 --> 00:16:22,380 the greeting did is I started to care about you. Like I started to care about the people coming 213 00:16:22,380 --> 00:16:26,580 through the line. I started to care about the people at the meeting. I started to like deal 214 00:16:26,580 --> 00:16:31,040 myself into this thing. And it was little by little. So much easier. If there's anybody in 215 00:16:31,040 --> 00:16:35,120 their first year in this room, so much easier if you just dive right in. But I didn't do that. I 216 00:16:35,120 --> 00:16:38,920 like took my time and like eased into the water. So now I have a commitment. 217 00:16:39,120 --> 00:16:43,260 Now I'm doing steps. And now I'm at regular meetings on regular meeting nights. And now 218 00:16:43,260 --> 00:16:46,760 she says, you got to go to the women's meeting. We want you to go to the women's meeting and become 219 00:16:46,760 --> 00:16:50,960 part of the women. And I was like, what an order. I cannot go through with it. Like I do not do women. 220 00:16:51,120 --> 00:16:55,620 Like I cannot handle women at all. And so I went to the women's meeting. And I don't know if you've 221 00:16:55,620 --> 00:16:59,760 ever noticed, but women stand in like little groups. It's just in general. Like they don't 222 00:16:59,760 --> 00:17:04,720 go to the bathroom without reinforcements. Like you have to go as a set. And they stand in groups 223 00:17:04,720 --> 00:17:08,640 together. Like I hardly ever see a woman by herself. So I went and I'd always been by myself. 224 00:17:09,120 --> 00:17:14,080 Women's meeting, there's groups all around the room talking to each other. And I saw one that 225 00:17:14,080 --> 00:17:17,960 had somebody I kind of knew. And so I walked up to the group, right, thinking I would join the 226 00:17:17,960 --> 00:17:23,160 conversation. And nobody moved. Nobody like opened the circles to let me step in. Everybody just kept 227 00:17:23,160 --> 00:17:27,700 standing there. And I stood pathetically behind this group of women for like three minutes until 228 00:17:27,700 --> 00:17:31,920 the bell rang. And I shuffled over to my seat and sat down. I called my sponsor. I'm like, 229 00:17:31,980 --> 00:17:35,220 they're clicky. They don't like me. Nobody let me stand in their circle. I don't know who to talk 230 00:17:35,220 --> 00:17:39,100 to. And she said, why don't you get the phone list and see whose birthday it is. And next, 231 00:17:39,120 --> 00:17:43,500 Saturday when you go, give out a birthday card to whoever has a birthday. I'm like, I don't even 232 00:17:43,500 --> 00:17:47,240 know these women. She's like, I don't care. Just happy birthday, Susanne. Hand it to them. So the 233 00:17:47,240 --> 00:17:51,800 next Saturday, I go through the list. I write my little happy birthday. I walk over, happy birthday, 234 00:17:52,080 --> 00:17:55,900 you know, and I hand out my little cards, you know. And I walk up to a group of women and nobody 235 00:17:55,900 --> 00:17:59,180 moves. And I stand pathetically there for two minutes. And nobody really talks to me. And I go 236 00:17:59,180 --> 00:18:02,780 back and I sit down. I call her and I'm like, it's the exact same thing. Nobody's talking to me. She's 237 00:18:02,780 --> 00:18:07,420 like, it's going to take a minute. Why don't you try calling women between meetings? So now I take 238 00:18:09,120 --> 00:18:13,520 this really annoying thing of telling me what's going on in their life. And I can't really pay 239 00:18:13,520 --> 00:18:19,440 attention. Right? Like, you're talking to me. And I know that what you're saying is important to you, 240 00:18:19,500 --> 00:18:24,360 but it's irrelevant to me. And I don't really care. And so then I realized, shoot, I'm gonna 241 00:18:24,360 --> 00:18:28,020 have to write this down. So I got like a day planner that had days of the week. And I would 242 00:18:28,020 --> 00:18:32,740 call them and I'd write in the day planner, Bonnie, husband, Paul having surgery. And if they told me 243 00:18:32,740 --> 00:18:35,920 like something that happened in the future, because I was organized. I was a college student. I was 244 00:18:35,920 --> 00:18:39,100 very organized. So I wrote like Wednesday, surgery, Paul, right? So then I would go to the 245 00:18:39,100 --> 00:18:44,580 Wednesday, I will call Bonnie. And I'd be like, Bonnie, how did Paul's surgery go? And she had no 246 00:18:44,580 --> 00:18:50,630 idea. She was like, thank you. You remember, that's so nice. You called me. And it was like 247 00:18:50,630 --> 00:18:55,510 it worked. It was the best con in the world. She had no idea that I didn't care at all about Paul's 248 00:18:55,510 --> 00:19:01,930 surgery. Right? I looked like I cared. And, um, and at the end of like, a month of that calling 249 00:19:01,930 --> 00:19:05,610 women between meetings, giving them birthday cards, I walked up the little group of women 250 00:19:05,610 --> 00:19:09,210 and somebody stepped to the side and I stepped into the group. Now I still couldn't talk. Nobody 251 00:19:09,230 --> 00:19:13,810 wanted to hear anything I had to say. But they let me stand there. And that was progress, you know, 252 00:19:13,830 --> 00:19:19,570 and when I took my cake, I got like 49 birthday cards. And I still have them at home tied with 253 00:19:19,570 --> 00:19:24,550 a rubber band in a box. Because that was like the mark that I had started to make it here in 254 00:19:24,550 --> 00:19:29,810 Alcoholics Anonymous. And, you know, I am not I'm still not the most well liked woman like, 255 00:19:30,210 --> 00:19:35,190 I just get myself into these messes. I don't even know how I do it. The best tool I have on my 256 00:19:35,190 --> 00:19:38,750 toolkit is my husband says, Oh, that's the thing you're going to do that's going to make them be 257 00:19:38,750 --> 00:19:45,270 mad at you. He tells me right before I do it. So I stop now. Like my son is an athlete to our two 258 00:19:45,270 --> 00:19:51,390 youngster athletes, and he's very fast. And he had just joined this baseball team. And I noticed that 259 00:19:51,390 --> 00:19:56,470 when he was running from home to first base, he wasn't running very fast because nobody was chasing 260 00:19:56,470 --> 00:20:01,210 him right in football really fast. Baseball, not that fast, because nobody's chasing him, right? He 261 00:20:01,210 --> 00:20:04,730 kept getting thrown out of first thrown out of first. There's another kid on the team who won 262 00:20:04,730 --> 00:20:08,730 like the whole county, like speed thing. 263 00:20:08,750 --> 00:20:12,770 In baseball for that age group, like one the entire county, like we're talking about thousands 264 00:20:12,770 --> 00:20:16,770 of kids competed in this kid one, he was on my kids team. So I went over to that kid. I'm like, 265 00:20:17,110 --> 00:20:21,810 will you race my son, just race him to show him how fast he has to be to get to first just race 266 00:20:21,810 --> 00:20:25,390 him to first. And, you know, you'll be so far ahead of him, he'll have to run harder to catch 267 00:20:25,390 --> 00:20:29,190 up. And then it'll be like, okay, now I know what to do. Well, can you guess what happened? 268 00:20:29,270 --> 00:20:34,670 My son smoked him. My son beat him to first, it was not even close, right? And I had never even 269 00:20:34,670 --> 00:20:38,450 considered that that could happen. Didn't even occur to me. So now, of course, the parents of 270 00:20:38,750 --> 00:20:43,690 think I tried to humiliate their kid by having my kid beat him in a foot race, right? So the whole 271 00:20:43,690 --> 00:20:48,130 team hates me now. That's how I get myself into trouble. That was years ago. But that's a perfect 272 00:20:48,130 --> 00:20:53,190 example. So that AA meeting, those women letting me stand there, that was progress. That was 273 00:20:53,190 --> 00:20:57,790 progress, you know, and over time, I started to care about those people I was calling. And later 274 00:20:57,790 --> 00:21:03,010 when I got pregnant, they threw me a baby shower, and they all came. And one of the women who I 275 00:21:03,010 --> 00:21:08,030 never thought liked me at all made me a handmade baby blanket. And like, Alcoholics Anonymous was 276 00:21:08,030 --> 00:21:12,990 good to me. AA was good to me. And I kept showing up and I kept doing the deal. And I got really 277 00:21:12,990 --> 00:21:18,930 sick. I had that the I have a disease that made me like really sick and disabled for like six years 278 00:21:18,930 --> 00:21:22,990 and didn't know if I was going to survive. And I dragged mass to meetings. And when I sponsor girls, 279 00:21:22,990 --> 00:21:26,330 and they tell me that they can't go to the meeting because they don't feel well. And when I hit them, 280 00:21:26,750 --> 00:21:30,870 let me tell you what don't feel well looks like. It's being sick like that for six years and going 281 00:21:30,870 --> 00:21:35,090 to three meetings a week anyway, which I did. And I sometimes had to lay down in the back of the 282 00:21:35,090 --> 00:21:38,710 room because I was too sick to sit in my chair, but I was in the meeting and I stayed sober through 283 00:21:38,710 --> 00:21:43,750 a really hard time. And then I went through a divorce. And that was brutal. I had been wanting 284 00:21:43,750 --> 00:21:48,490 to have a baby forever. And the doctors told me that I would not survive a pregnancy. And so 285 00:21:48,490 --> 00:21:54,450 we started the adoption process. And so I did all the paperwork and went to all the classes and had 286 00:21:54,450 --> 00:21:58,550 the inspection and did the whole thing and got signed off on you're on the list, LA County 287 00:21:58,550 --> 00:22:03,430 adoption. And I said, Great, when do I get a baby? And they said, Well, there's 12 babies a year 288 00:22:03,930 --> 00:22:04,890 surrendered free and clear. 289 00:22:05,090 --> 00:22:09,250 Los Angeles County, and the rest are like foster adopts and stuff. And I thought and I can't do 290 00:22:09,250 --> 00:22:13,070 that. I'd run to Canada, I take the baby to Canada, if mom and dad wanted him back, I better 291 00:22:13,070 --> 00:22:17,950 not do that. So I was like, I better just take the ones that are free and clear. And then I said, 292 00:22:18,010 --> 00:22:22,070 you know, where are we on the list? And they're like, you're number 212. I did the math 12 babies 293 00:22:22,070 --> 00:22:27,090 a year turned to 12. I'm not getting a baby, right. And I just despaired. And it was horrible. And 294 00:22:27,090 --> 00:22:31,310 I trudged and trudged. And I was of service. And I trudged and trudged. And a year and a half later, 295 00:22:31,310 --> 00:22:34,710 I went into remission from this disease. Totally unexpected. 296 00:22:35,090 --> 00:22:38,170 And I went to the doctor. And I was like, Can I get pregnant? She's like, Yeah, but do it right 297 00:22:38,170 --> 00:22:42,230 now. And so we went home, my husband was good for me, took care of it, I got pregnant right away. 298 00:22:42,630 --> 00:22:47,630 And my home, my home group, one of the members of my home group nicknamed him, I probably shouldn't 299 00:22:47,630 --> 00:22:52,470 say that you're recording. Anyway, they nicknamed him sure shot, which he was very proud of, 300 00:22:53,030 --> 00:22:56,670 as if he had something to do with it. Right. But anyway, so I got pregnant right away. And then 301 00:22:56,670 --> 00:22:59,870 that baby died at four, I was four months pregnant, the baby died. And I had to wait, 302 00:22:59,910 --> 00:23:03,590 it was like a precancerous pregnancy. It's called a molar pregnancy. And he had to wait like another 303 00:23:03,590 --> 00:23:07,450 year to make sure you don't develop cancer before you can get pregnant again. And the whole time, 304 00:23:07,530 --> 00:23:12,190 if I'd gone out of remission, it was off. And so like, my whole life hung in the balance. And all 305 00:23:12,190 --> 00:23:17,150 I could do is go to meetings, and be of service, and do what was in front of me and leave it in 306 00:23:17,150 --> 00:23:22,510 God's hands. Right. And I didn't, I assumed this was gone, this dream was gone. And a year and a 307 00:23:22,510 --> 00:23:27,610 half after I had that miscarriage, I got pregnant, and I had a son, and he's 18. His name is Ian. 308 00:23:27,790 --> 00:23:33,270 He's wonderful. And three years after that, I gave birth to his brother. And he's my 15 year old, 309 00:23:33,270 --> 00:23:37,190 he's the only one we have left at home. I inherited three later through marriage. So I 310 00:23:37,190 --> 00:23:41,630 ended up with a total of five, but I only got to give birth to two. And you know, it's like when I 311 00:23:41,630 --> 00:23:47,490 had that baby, it became so clear to me. And what I've learned in AA is I cannot see God's will in 312 00:23:47,490 --> 00:23:51,630 the moment. And I certainly can't see how it's going to be good for me. Right. And the moment 313 00:23:51,630 --> 00:23:56,250 is just like, I want this job, I don't get this job. Dang it. Right. Like that, if I guess it's 314 00:23:56,250 --> 00:24:00,130 God's will, I don't get the job. Wow, God's will sucks. Like there's that feeling in the moment. 315 00:24:00,130 --> 00:24:02,910 Right. But when I got that, had that baby, I realized, 316 00:24:02,910 --> 00:24:08,210 that baby I was fighting so hard to get through the county, that adopted baby was somebody else's 317 00:24:08,210 --> 00:24:13,390 baby. Like God had given claim to that baby to somebody else. Right. God knew I was going to 318 00:24:13,390 --> 00:24:18,190 have my own baby. I didn't need to take that baby. Somebody else needed that baby. But in the moment, 319 00:24:18,290 --> 00:24:22,870 it just felt like God was saying no to me. Like you can't have it. And what I realized is later, 320 00:24:22,930 --> 00:24:28,470 when I look back, everything in my life, every piece of it fit what God wanted for me and what 321 00:24:28,470 --> 00:24:32,830 would be good for me. It doesn't feel like it. When I was being abused as a kid, when I was 322 00:24:32,830 --> 00:24:37,730 being chased around the house by sexual predators, this is not a good thing. This is a terrible thing. 323 00:24:37,730 --> 00:24:43,590 Right. But when I look back, the one thing in my whole life I'm exceptional at is I'm an exceptional 324 00:24:43,590 --> 00:24:50,290 parent. Like I do it really well. Like people lean on me for help. I'm really good at this thing. 325 00:24:50,490 --> 00:24:53,390 And one of the reasons I'm really good at this thing is because I went through that. 326 00:24:53,570 --> 00:24:57,990 Like I learned fortitude and resourcefulness. I learned patience and I learned how to tolerate 327 00:24:57,990 --> 00:25:02,350 agony. That gave me this toolkit that's been incredible for the one thing in my life, 328 00:25:02,350 --> 00:25:07,090 the only thing I've done right in my whole life. I've got 28 years of sobriety. I'm still going to 329 00:25:07,090 --> 00:25:10,370 say the only thing I've done right in this whole life is parenting. You know, I've screwed up at 330 00:25:10,370 --> 00:25:13,410 work sometimes. I've definitely screwed up relationships. I'm on my second marriage. 331 00:25:13,550 --> 00:25:16,690 It's going pretty well. I feel like it's going well. I think I'm going to be okay. But you know 332 00:25:16,690 --> 00:25:20,730 what I mean? Like the only thing I did right is those kids and everything prepared me. And so, 333 00:25:20,950 --> 00:25:25,430 you know, when I had that baby, it was like, okay, this is what I was supposed to do. It's 334 00:25:25,430 --> 00:25:29,510 why I didn't get one of those kids. And so now, when right now in my life, things are going 335 00:25:29,510 --> 00:25:32,330 sideways, I'm able to hold on now to go. 336 00:25:32,350 --> 00:25:36,130 Okay, I'm not going to see it now. But in three years, under five years, I'm going to look back 337 00:25:36,130 --> 00:25:40,350 and I'm going to see why this needed to happen. Why this is a good thing that doesn't feel like 338 00:25:40,350 --> 00:25:46,370 a good thing. So I got my biggest lesson of that recently. And this kind of defines what my 339 00:25:46,370 --> 00:25:51,450 recovery for the last like the 20s of my sobriety have been about. So for me, so much like Frank, 340 00:25:51,690 --> 00:25:58,030 I was filled with self-loathing. And I did inventory after inventory after inventory. And 341 00:25:58,030 --> 00:26:01,990 I never felt like I was supposed to be like, 342 00:26:02,350 --> 00:26:07,590 I'm just a mistake. That's really what I felt like. And so all that inventory and all that 343 00:26:07,590 --> 00:26:12,810 drinking was behind, I'm a piece of crap, and I don't deserve to be here. And I, I started working 344 00:26:12,810 --> 00:26:17,950 on it spiritually, I started putting it in my morning 11 step, you know, it says, upon awakening, 345 00:26:17,950 --> 00:26:22,110 we consider our plans for the day. And before we begin, we guess, ask God to direct our thinking. 346 00:26:22,290 --> 00:26:26,470 So I'd open my eyes, and I'd say, God, please direct my thinking. It says, have it be divorced 347 00:26:26,470 --> 00:26:30,890 from self-pity, dishonest, and self-seeking motives, right? Well, one of my biggest self-seeking 348 00:26:30,890 --> 00:26:32,330 motives was to prove all of this. And I said, God, please direct my thinking. And I said, God, 349 00:26:32,330 --> 00:26:37,790 what a big piece of crap I was. Let me prove it. Let me make my relationship partners, friends, 350 00:26:38,270 --> 00:26:43,210 co-workers, my husband, reflect for me that I'm a piece of crap. And guess what? The universe 351 00:26:43,210 --> 00:26:47,730 responded just fine. That was my self-seeking motive. And all day long, I would be faced with 352 00:26:47,730 --> 00:26:52,910 ways that I was a piece of crap. And so I started asking in that moment, like, help me to see me as 353 00:26:52,910 --> 00:26:59,030 you see me. And I started to like myself like a little bit. And I mean, as I was, not being a 354 00:26:59,030 --> 00:27:02,310 cookie cutter version of myself. That worked in AA for 20 years. I was a cookie cutter version of myself. 355 00:27:02,330 --> 00:27:07,350 I did monkey see, monkey do. You told me to do it. I did it. And that's a good thing. I still do that. 356 00:27:07,710 --> 00:27:12,170 But I wasn't really me. I was just trying to like, keep up, right? Keep up. Maybe they'll like me if 357 00:27:12,170 --> 00:27:16,530 I just do what everybody else does. And I'm not really myself. And in the last eight years, I 358 00:27:16,530 --> 00:27:21,990 started to figure out how to be me, right? By watching you and realizing that each one of you 359 00:27:21,990 --> 00:27:26,670 is an unrepeatable miracle. Everybody in my home group I look at, they're all different. They're 360 00:27:26,670 --> 00:27:30,150 all crazy in their own way. They're all great in their own way. Even the ones that drive me nuts, 361 00:27:30,150 --> 00:27:32,270 right? Everybody's great. So if that's true, 362 00:27:32,270 --> 00:27:37,030 about them, that has to be true about me. And I started to actually not hate myself little by 363 00:27:37,030 --> 00:27:43,630 little. And then my son, my son who's 18, started having this huge crucifixion experience. So my 364 00:27:43,630 --> 00:27:50,230 poor 18 year old son, at 14 years old, he started just getting persecuted. I mean, if you could draw 365 00:27:50,230 --> 00:27:54,550 a plan for what it would look like to have a kid get the crap kicked out of him every day, 366 00:27:54,590 --> 00:27:59,790 it would be my son. The whole universe conspired. It was so awful to watch. So he's a pitcher and 367 00:27:59,790 --> 00:28:03,670 he throws really hard in freshman year, right? He's throwing like 89 miles an hour as a freshman. 368 00:28:04,190 --> 00:28:07,670 This should be great, right? He should get a college offer. You know, it should be great. The 369 00:28:07,670 --> 00:28:10,950 high school he's in doesn't pitch him. They don't like his stuff. So they don't pitch him. So he 370 00:28:10,950 --> 00:28:15,790 sits on the bench for a year and gets like a handful of innings. So then between freshman and 371 00:28:15,790 --> 00:28:18,590 sophomore year, we meet with the coach and we're like, what do you think? He's like, this is his 372 00:28:18,590 --> 00:28:22,690 year. We're going to throw him. Great guy, by the way. Great coach. But we're going to throw him 373 00:28:22,690 --> 00:28:25,890 whatever sophomore year comes, he gets like 12 innings. He doesn't get to throw all of you, 374 00:28:25,890 --> 00:28:29,410 right? So now other people are getting signed. Other people have college deals and my son has 375 00:28:29,410 --> 00:28:34,570 nothing. And then the persecution socially, the persecution by girls. Academically, he gets rung 376 00:28:34,570 --> 00:28:40,050 up for cheating when he used the internet to give him an answer to a thing that wasn't graded because 377 00:28:40,050 --> 00:28:43,890 she didn't provide them with the information either before or after. It was a non-graded 378 00:28:43,890 --> 00:28:47,310 assignment and they rung him up for cheating for looking up the answer, right? So he's just 379 00:28:47,310 --> 00:28:51,750 getting hosed right and left. And so junior year, I pull him out. I'm like, forget this. Let's just, 380 00:28:51,750 --> 00:28:55,710 and he works on his pitching privately, right? And finally, the summer before senior, 381 00:28:55,890 --> 00:28:59,750 he's going to tournaments, he's pitching and no scouts are there, right? They keep saying, 382 00:28:59,830 --> 00:29:03,010 we're going to pitch you in the championship game and then the team loses and doesn't go to the 383 00:29:03,010 --> 00:29:07,610 championship. So nobody gets to see him, right? So he's almost a senior. He has had not a single 384 00:29:07,610 --> 00:29:12,370 college see him. And at this point, he's throwing 94 miles an hour, right? This is major league 385 00:29:12,370 --> 00:29:16,790 caliber. He throws harder than people I watch on TV and nobody is seeing him pitch. And he's got 386 00:29:16,790 --> 00:29:25,410 great off speeds too. So anyway, so in October, he goes to a tournament. Somebody sees, then a 387 00:29:25,410 --> 00:29:30,890 major league draft, my kid, right? This kid who had been told, you're horrible, you're horrible, 388 00:29:31,010 --> 00:29:35,810 you're horrible, you're horrible forever, ended up in the draft. Now he didn't draft because he got 389 00:29:35,810 --> 00:29:39,350 college offers that were way too good to pass up and he went away to college. So he's not playing 390 00:29:39,350 --> 00:29:43,410 baseball. He's playing baseball at college, but who knows if he'll ever go on the draft. But one 391 00:29:43,410 --> 00:29:48,330 more time I saw, like he stayed true to himself. How do you keep throwing a baseball when everybody 392 00:29:48,330 --> 00:29:52,070 tells you you're no good at it? How do you keep throwing a baseball? You know how much he trained? 393 00:29:52,070 --> 00:29:55,350 He trained hours a day and never got to throw in games. He never, that's, 394 00:29:55,350 --> 00:30:00,450 the fun part. The training is the bad part, but he did what was in front of him. And as a result 395 00:30:00,450 --> 00:30:05,870 of it, it worked out. And that's what AA is for me. AA is doing these things that I don't think 396 00:30:05,870 --> 00:30:10,270 have anything to do with my problem. And it just works out. I remember calling my sponsor and 397 00:30:10,270 --> 00:30:14,410 telling her I was so lonely. I didn't have any girlfriends. I was sober several years. I was 398 00:30:14,410 --> 00:30:19,310 doing the deal, but I didn't have like a close girlfriend and I was lonely. And she told me to 399 00:30:19,310 --> 00:30:25,050 go get a commitment washing cups. Back then we used to wash cups. And I was like, I looked at 400 00:30:25,350 --> 00:30:29,790 like, you're not even listening to me. Why would I wash cups? I'm lonely, you know? And of course 401 00:30:29,790 --> 00:30:35,930 it was what she, you know, she saw. I went and I washed cups and cup washing seemed to be an entirely 402 00:30:35,930 --> 00:30:40,290 female thing. So I would be standing there with other women and we'd all be washing cups. And I 403 00:30:40,290 --> 00:30:44,310 got to know women and I got to start to be like close to a couple and I got friends. That's how 404 00:30:44,310 --> 00:30:49,230 I got friends. And so AA has done that for me, told me to do these things that I think have 405 00:30:49,230 --> 00:30:55,250 absolutely no chance of solving my problem. And then it does. It just works its way out. And so, 406 00:30:55,350 --> 00:31:00,490 um, I graduated from Cal State Northridge by the skin of my teeth. I barely made it through. I mean, 407 00:31:00,510 --> 00:31:04,490 I was a, I was a straight A student, but I was so sick. I could barely make it through classes. It 408 00:31:04,490 --> 00:31:09,730 took me seven years to get a four year degree. And you know, I wasn't so on track, you know, 409 00:31:09,790 --> 00:31:14,150 intellectually that it was going well. And, and so, um, anyway, so I graduated with a degree 410 00:31:14,150 --> 00:31:19,910 years and years ago and I started raising my kids to expect that they would do better than I did. 411 00:31:19,910 --> 00:31:25,150 And I started supporting them and doing better than I, I did, you know, and, and God helped me. 412 00:31:25,150 --> 00:31:28,910 God put people in our life that could help them in ways that I couldn't. And, um, and somehow, 413 00:31:29,290 --> 00:31:36,090 uh, through all of that, my son was just admitted to Harvard. And so my son, uh, is going to Harvard 414 00:31:36,090 --> 00:31:41,870 right now. The pitcher kid is going to Harvard and I sit and I look at that and I think that is 415 00:31:41,870 --> 00:31:45,990 Alcoholics Anonymous. Like that's not possible without Alcoholics Anonymous. You know, you guys 416 00:31:45,990 --> 00:31:51,590 made me good. I would never have been well without this. I would never have been well without you. 417 00:31:51,590 --> 00:31:55,110 So I actually, um, had a series of small, 418 00:31:55,110 --> 00:31:59,270 small strokes last year from that health condition. And most of the time I'm okay. 419 00:31:59,450 --> 00:32:04,290 This is only my third talk back. I didn't speak for 18 months because I couldn't count on my brain. 420 00:32:04,670 --> 00:32:10,110 Most of the time I'm okay, but today it's really hard. Sometimes it's just inflamed and I don't 421 00:32:10,110 --> 00:32:14,150 think as well. And this is one of those days. So I want to thank you very much for having me. 422 00:32:14,150 --> 00:32:17,070 I'm going to sit down a little bit early. Thank you so much.