1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:03,360 Now I would like to introduce our main speaker, Leonard. 2 00:00:03,360 --> 00:00:04,560 Leonard P, Alcoholics Anonymous, AA, sobriety, sponsor, home group. 3 00:00:04,560 --> 00:00:06,800 Leonard P, Alcoholics Anonymous, AA, sobriety, sponsor, home group. 4 00:00:06,800 --> 00:00:12,720 Hi everybody, I'm going to thank you for getting me to come and share my sobriety. 5 00:00:14,080 --> 00:00:20,720 Pretty hectic day today. I was out in Saugus doing some stuff and had a rush down here. I didn't even 6 00:00:20,720 --> 00:00:25,520 have a chance to take a shower, just get this monkey suit on and come home. So anyway, if 7 00:00:25,520 --> 00:00:29,440 anybody's new, I want to welcome you to Alcoholics Anonymous and I'm going to rip off a friend of 8 00:00:29,440 --> 00:00:35,520 mine's saying that I hope you find here what I found, which is simply a better life than I had 9 00:00:35,520 --> 00:00:42,080 out there. And I'm not here because I can't find something to do. I'm here because I need to work 10 00:00:42,080 --> 00:00:47,520 on my sobriety because left to my own devices, I'm a liar, cheat and a thief and self-destructive and 11 00:00:48,080 --> 00:00:53,520 all kinds of good qualities. So anyway, I'll tell you what it was like and what happened 12 00:00:53,520 --> 00:00:58,320 and what it is like now. I was born in New York. I'm a transplant out here. 13 00:00:58,320 --> 00:01:06,400 I came here in 72, primarily because my brother had polio and they had the Shriners Hospital out 14 00:01:06,400 --> 00:01:13,120 here next to Vermont. And they had one in Chicago. My mom was sick and tired of the snow. So we came 15 00:01:13,120 --> 00:01:19,200 out here to California and I remember coming in the plane in a 707 and I'm looking at the city 16 00:01:19,200 --> 00:01:24,320 and say, where is the city? I mean, I saw one little building, to me it was, I mean, I was on 17 00:01:24,320 --> 00:01:27,760 a plane. I'm like, Kate, I'm looking down like, what? You know, you go to New York, man, it's like 18 00:01:27,760 --> 00:01:33,440 landing in Paris, you know? It's like, gosh, it's a real city. So anyway, we landed here and 19 00:01:33,440 --> 00:01:38,160 off to the living in Hollywood we went. And anyway, my father was working at Lockheed 20 00:01:38,800 --> 00:01:45,040 and they would play cards, not every Friday, but they would play cards every Friday, 21 00:01:45,040 --> 00:01:50,000 but not every Friday at our house. So, but when they did play cards at our house, my mom would 22 00:01:50,000 --> 00:01:56,320 set up some sandwiches and set up the ice and all that stuff. Then my mom would go to bed. And 23 00:01:57,760 --> 00:02:02,480 you got to understand that the only difference from the way I lived in the Bronx to here 24 00:02:03,280 --> 00:02:07,440 is that there was a palm tree outside of my apartment. That was the only difference. I 25 00:02:07,440 --> 00:02:12,480 still had two aunts living with us at the time. So me, my brother and two aunts slept in the living 26 00:02:12,480 --> 00:02:17,440 room. Back East, we call it the parlor. My mom and dad had the back bedroom. They had the back 27 00:02:17,440 --> 00:02:23,200 bedroom here. And, you know, that's what it was. It was like 700 square foot, this apartment. And 28 00:02:23,200 --> 00:02:23,800 we had six people living in there, one bathroom and the whole, the whole thing. So, you know, 29 00:02:23,800 --> 00:02:26,320 it was like 700 square foot, this apartment. And we had six people living in there, one bathroom, 30 00:02:26,320 --> 00:02:31,600 and the whole, the whole thing. So anyway, so they would have these cards, you know, they would 31 00:02:31,600 --> 00:02:37,520 play poker and 21 or whatever. And after my mom would go to bed, I turned into the bartender, 32 00:02:37,520 --> 00:02:41,120 you know, and what would happen is these guys would gamble, you know, they'd give me a dollar 33 00:02:41,120 --> 00:02:44,720 tip. Hey, man, a dollar tip was some money back then, you know, I mean, by the end of the night, 34 00:02:44,720 --> 00:02:48,880 after these guys have a few drinks, you know, I could walk around with 10 bucks in my pocket. And 35 00:02:48,880 --> 00:02:54,320 that was a lot of money. That was a lot of money. Now it's chump change. But then it was a lot for, 36 00:02:54,320 --> 00:02:59,840 you know, I had, you know, no bills or nothing, you know. So, and as usual, as I would pour the 37 00:02:59,840 --> 00:03:05,040 drinks, you know, I picked up on things quickly. I also made a drink for myself, you know, or I'd 38 00:03:05,040 --> 00:03:08,480 sip off your drink and bring it. And by the end of the night, I was smashed. And I remember the 39 00:03:08,480 --> 00:03:13,760 first time that I became, that I did that, I threw up and everything else. And I woke up in the 40 00:03:13,760 --> 00:03:18,160 morning, I couldn't wait to do it again. You know, I think that's one of the things that make me 41 00:03:18,160 --> 00:03:22,720 alcoholic. You know, here I am, I'm cutting my finger and I'm in the gym, if I could get a bigger 42 00:03:22,720 --> 00:03:23,600 knife, you know. Leonard P, Quality of Life, Alcoholics Anonymous, AA, sobriety, sponsor, home group 43 00:03:23,600 --> 00:03:32,880 And so, I went to Catholic schools all my life and my brother and I did. So, I knew the way I was 44 00:03:32,880 --> 00:03:37,840 living was wrong, you know. And once again, I didn't, I drank alcoholically from the get-go. 45 00:03:37,840 --> 00:03:44,240 I never had to work up to being an alcoholic, you know. I drank to get loaded. I don't drink 46 00:03:44,240 --> 00:03:48,960 to catch a buzz. I don't understand that. To this day, I don't understand that. I drink to 47 00:03:48,960 --> 00:03:53,360 get drunk, you know. I want to have that same feeling I did from that first drink. And, 48 00:03:53,600 --> 00:03:57,520 I don't believe in half pregnancy. I don't believe in any of that. I believe in just getting loaded. 49 00:03:58,560 --> 00:04:02,640 And that's what I did every time. I'm not saying I got drunk every time I got alcohol, 50 00:04:02,640 --> 00:04:08,080 but that was my intention, you know. And so, as, you know, as most people, you know, 51 00:04:08,080 --> 00:04:11,840 it was fun and fun with problems and all problems. And that's basically what happened to me. 52 00:04:13,040 --> 00:04:17,200 I definitely have to qualify. I think the reason it wasn't the amount of alcohol I drank, 53 00:04:17,200 --> 00:04:22,880 which was stupidly enormous, as it was what alcohol did to me. You know, I take that first 54 00:04:22,880 --> 00:04:27,120 drink, it starts something in me called craving. The normal drinker doesn't go through that. 55 00:04:27,120 --> 00:04:34,560 With me, I need to have that next drink. You know. Alcohol fills a hole in me, that now the program 56 00:04:34,560 --> 00:04:40,240 of Alcoholics Anonymous fills. But back then, I didn't fit in. I didn't fit in if you told me I 57 00:04:40,240 --> 00:04:45,360 fit in, which was really weird. You know, I did well in sports. I was a very good student. I just, 58 00:04:45,360 --> 00:04:51,840 I didn't learn anything. I just tested well. And, you know, I played in a band. I had a little bit 59 00:04:51,840 --> 00:05:19,340 A little bit of success in this band. We went overseas. We were the house band at the Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel for a couple of years. And man, did my liver pay for that. But, you know, hey, I'm buying homes. I'm buying cars. I'm doing all this stuff. So I had a little bit of success, you know, which brings me up to the point like, you know, my mom would be blown away by, she goes, you know, you're talented in so many things. You could do so many things. Why do you drink like that? 60 00:05:19,340 --> 00:05:40,980 I mean, that's an honest question. And I really don't know how to answer that. You know, my mom doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, is Catholic, that prays the rosary and all of that. So it was like oil and vinegar. But the question is valid. And I don't know how to answer that. And I didn't know then. I didn't know anything about craving. I didn't know anything about not taking that first drink. You know, the alcoholic to me was the guy in the rain suit and all of that. 61 00:05:42,360 --> 00:05:48,720 So I fought this program for a very, very long time. And I honestly believe you need to come in here when you're defeated. 62 00:05:49,340 --> 00:06:12,460 And it took a lot to defeat me. And my liver paid for it and other parts of my body. And but I did come here defeated, you know. Anyway, graduated. Well, let me just go back here a second. I delivered the Herald Examiner, for those of you that I'm dating myself, but and because, you know, I needed money and I worked and that's what I did. I delivered the paper. 63 00:06:12,460 --> 00:06:19,260 And I met this woman. She was the secretary for the guy at Metro Media Television for the vice president. 64 00:06:19,340 --> 00:06:46,960 And I remember when the kid was taking me around showing me the route. His name was Joey. And I was meeting all his clients. And when we went to this, you know, it was an office building. And he goes, listen, when we go in there, you just talk to the lady. You don't talk to the guy that orders the paper. And I said, why not? You know, and he goes, the guy, you know, he's flaking and he's got, you know, said I want to meet everybody. 65 00:06:46,960 --> 00:07:16,880 So I went over there and I told, he told Judy that, look, this is the new paper boy and all this. And I told her I'd like to meet, I'd like to meet the guy who's ordering the paper. And so Joey took a step back and she goes, well, let me see, you know, she goes, you know, can you, can you see that? He goes, yeah, send him in. And I walked into this guy's office, man, and his desk was measured in yards, you know, I mean, he was literally with a cigar, a little guy with a cigar and his desk went forever, you know, I was going, wow, what a trip, you know, so I walked in and I said, 66 00:07:16,960 --> 00:07:46,940 my name is Leonard. I'm the new paper boy. Joey's out. He's moving, you know, and he goes, oh, nice to meet you, Leonard. And every time I went there, I would take the paper to him. So anyway, Judy, which was the secretary lived at the Barber's Terrace Apartments, which I lived on the corner. I don't know if you guys are familiar with Hollywood of Bronson and Carlton Way. There was an old four unit apartment there and we were on the lower unit and she lived in the apartment, the big apartment next to us. And she was my last delivery because she took the paper too. Anyway, this guy gave me the paper. 67 00:07:46,960 --> 00:08:16,760 He gave me tickets to go see the Stones. I mean, he couldn't be in backstage passes to Creedence Clearwater, you know, just because I went there and I wasn't afraid of him flaking off as long as he could flake all he wants and I didn't care. So, well, the paper was like $2 or something. The guy would give me a $5, $10 tip, you know, let alone these backstage passes and, you know, which really made me big man on campus, you know, not everybody could go to a backstage pass to a Stones concert, not at my age anyway, you know, and 68 00:08:16,960 --> 00:08:46,840 so anyway, so Judy was my last stop and she was a big Beatle fan. I remember that she had, you know, from the white album, the pictures of them on the wall and stuff. And so on my last stop and she used to drink, she used to drink Fresca. I don't even know if they make this stuff anymore. She would dump half the Fresca and put vodka in it and eat crosstops and she would type at a million miles an hour, you know, and she had one of those typewriters with the ball on it at the IBM, which was, you know, she was really, really, really, really good. 69 00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:52,820 really really styling you know and um but anyway she was the last stop so uh I kept you know I kept 70 00:08:52,820 --> 00:08:58,820 stopping by Judy's house and she was she drank a lot and I drank so you know one thing led to 71 00:08:58,820 --> 00:09:02,840 another and then the only reason why I bring that up is because that was the first time I tried an 72 00:09:02,840 --> 00:09:10,540 opiate you know um I tried mescaline with Judy I tried a lot of stuff and uh a lot of stuff and uh 73 00:09:10,540 --> 00:09:14,320 that was the first time I had heroin or any of that stuff you know and here I am in school and 74 00:09:14,320 --> 00:09:20,440 I remember going to school and we had catechism and they had uh they had this little boy right 75 00:09:20,440 --> 00:09:26,040 he's sitting down in his chair at school and and there's a little bit of sin in his heart and it's 76 00:09:26,040 --> 00:09:30,420 like a little black couple of black dots then then there's the satan sort of like behind him 77 00:09:30,420 --> 00:09:34,840 you know just behind him then the next one he's got a few more dots on and satan is like 78 00:09:34,840 --> 00:09:40,740 I'm standing now he's standing up and then the last kid was his heart was black and satan was 79 00:09:40,740 --> 00:09:44,300 up there and he's got the horns and the and I said oh damn there I am you know 80 00:09:44,320 --> 00:09:49,440 and I said I don't know what I'm gonna do about this it took me 30 years later to figure out what 81 00:09:49,440 --> 00:09:57,040 to do about that but uh man I still believe that that book was right with me anyway so um anyway I 82 00:09:57,040 --> 00:10:01,280 my parents found out about what was going on between Judy and I and that was a real bummer but 83 00:10:01,280 --> 00:10:06,940 uh which stopped a lot of the drugs and stopped about a lot of other things that were going on 84 00:10:06,940 --> 00:10:11,580 but God blessed us you know we moved to the valley you know right then and there we moved to the 85 00:10:14,320 --> 00:10:19,200 valley I had 28 year old to have any interest in a 14 year old but to each his own so we moved to 86 00:10:19,200 --> 00:10:23,160 the valley and that was like I left Hollywood there and then I'm here you know I went to 87 00:10:23,160 --> 00:10:27,680 Notre Dame high school but nothing really changed you know I I still did the same thing there was 88 00:10:27,680 --> 00:10:31,900 just in a different city the the book talks about that as geographics you know it's just 89 00:10:31,900 --> 00:10:37,700 you put me in Moscow I'll still find all the drug lowlifes you know and the drunks and stuff you 90 00:10:37,700 --> 00:10:44,300 know this is what I do you know so um anyway I graduated high school I had good grades I had 91 00:10:44,320 --> 00:10:50,900 grades and um I told my dad the Vietnam War I think ended in 72 and I told my dad that uh I said 92 00:10:50,900 --> 00:10:56,780 dad I'd like to be a pilot and I had really good grades and and my dad says well go to you know you 93 00:10:56,780 --> 00:11:01,920 got grades go to the Air Force Academy I said dad I want to engage so I want to this is long before 94 00:11:01,920 --> 00:11:05,700 Top Gun I said I want to go shoot somebody down I don't want to stay around and land you know 95 00:11:05,700 --> 00:11:10,840 he goes go fly Navy then so I went to the Navy recruiter and I got my transcripts and the guy 96 00:11:10,840 --> 00:11:14,200 was so happy he goes oh yeah you're exactly what we need and all of this 97 00:11:14,320 --> 00:11:18,880 and he goes you come in here you know and within six years I'll get you on a carrier 98 00:11:18,880 --> 00:11:24,680 I said six years I wanted a six-month program you know and so that was the end of my military 99 00:11:24,680 --> 00:11:30,760 career it started really quick and ended quick and uh so I went to UCLA for a year or so you know 100 00:11:30,760 --> 00:11:35,180 I was going to go for architecture and uh that didn't work out either because my disease now 101 00:11:35,180 --> 00:11:42,400 started to take off a little bit now I don't have really school I'm over 18 um I have uh control of 102 00:11:44,320 --> 00:11:51,020 and this disease took off on me man it took off on me and uh and I wrote it it was fun I had a great 103 00:11:51,020 --> 00:11:56,180 time you know I had a great time for a little while you know like all all of us did or else 104 00:11:56,180 --> 00:12:00,920 we wouldn't drink if we didn't have a great time you know it's like why do people sin because it's 105 00:12:00,920 --> 00:12:06,940 fun if it wasn't we wouldn't do it you know so anyway like I said I played in a in a band and 106 00:12:06,940 --> 00:12:11,720 I'm just going to go just qualify here I know this is a program but just a couple of things 107 00:12:11,720 --> 00:12:14,300 here quick so you understand that the insanity of how you're going to be able to do this is going to 108 00:12:14,320 --> 00:12:17,900 be a little bit different than how I lived you know uh my brother had a contract with the western 109 00:12:17,900 --> 00:12:22,400 hotels and we went to Europe and South America we played at every western hotel not everyone but a 110 00:12:22,400 --> 00:12:29,120 lot of them and uh we went once to Bangkok and uh I always heard about Bangkok you know the girls 111 00:12:29,120 --> 00:12:34,880 and all of that the temples and the bars and all this stuff so I mean you're talking about gasoline 112 00:12:34,880 --> 00:12:40,880 and fire so we landed in Bangkok and um we only stayed there for two days two or three days and 113 00:12:40,880 --> 00:12:43,500 when I was there we were going to play the next night 114 00:12:44,320 --> 00:12:48,140 and we had to play the next night so that night I wanted to go and hit the bars and everything else 115 00:12:48,140 --> 00:12:52,620 I wanted to find out what Bangkok's all about you know and so I'm in my room there and there was a 116 00:12:52,620 --> 00:12:57,280 knock on the door and this like 15 year old girl was there with another girl and I said you got I 117 00:12:57,280 --> 00:13:01,980 opened the door I said you got the wrong room and I closed it you know and I called up Joe which was 118 00:13:01,980 --> 00:13:06,760 the keyboard player I said Joe man let's just get going here because I want to I want to enjoy this 119 00:13:06,760 --> 00:13:10,700 so I could wake up at three o'clock you know and in the next afternoon and not care and just have 120 00:13:10,700 --> 00:13:14,300 to worry about the gig so these girls knocked again you know and they said you know we had a 121 00:13:14,320 --> 00:13:14,780 lot of fun and we had a lot of fun and we had a lot of fun and we had a lot of fun and we had a lot of fun 122 00:13:14,780 --> 00:13:19,180 anyway in essence it was the people that are putting it together sent these two girls I guess 123 00:13:19,180 --> 00:13:24,660 for sexual favors for me I'm one of those guys that I'd rather get loaded and laid and that's 124 00:13:24,660 --> 00:13:31,520 you know that's just the way I was so the the two girls came in and they told me the story which was 125 00:13:31,520 --> 00:13:36,200 a little it perplexed me because in America we don't do that and I said okay well then I asked 126 00:13:36,200 --> 00:13:41,000 my mind for you understand how the alcoholic mind works I just asked one of the girls I said listen 127 00:13:41,000 --> 00:13:44,300 honey do you know where you could get me get some heroin and the girl said I don't know I don't know 128 00:13:44,320 --> 00:13:48,780 the girl said yeah I do and my eyes became like those Japanese characters you know looking at her 129 00:13:48,780 --> 00:13:54,060 you know so I gave her a $50 bill and they were walking out of the hotel and I said no no you stay 130 00:13:54,060 --> 00:13:59,580 here and you know the girl went back and got like me three balloons of heroin and gave me change 131 00:13:59,580 --> 00:14:07,780 you know and I was like gosh you know I should have married her but you know anyway so me and 132 00:14:07,780 --> 00:14:14,040 the keyboard player you know had an opiate type night and then we left and we were flying into I 133 00:14:14,320 --> 00:14:19,800 was Heathrow and we were flying first class and I had that I had this heroin in my camera case 134 00:14:19,800 --> 00:14:24,420 and first class then I don't know about now because I don't fly first class anymore we get out first 135 00:14:24,420 --> 00:14:29,640 right so we got out first and I'm walking in Europe security was a lot tighter like it is now 136 00:14:29,640 --> 00:14:35,460 post 9-11 back then they always had the really tight security on their airport and I walked out 137 00:14:35,460 --> 00:14:40,460 a mess out of that plane you know I was loaded and drunk and blah blah blah so the body you know 138 00:14:40,460 --> 00:14:44,300 their security pulled me aside you know they saw me and the guy's looking at me and I'm like I'm 139 00:14:44,320 --> 00:14:49,140 you know my pupils are like that you know and reeking of alcohol and they were ready to take 140 00:14:49,140 --> 00:14:53,100 me into the next they had sort of a table like that and I was already there then there's like 141 00:14:53,100 --> 00:14:57,060 a room that they take you in you know to strip you down or do whatever they're going to do 142 00:14:57,060 --> 00:15:02,620 and the stewardess came out and said no no no no he's he's not loaded he's just drunk I've never 143 00:15:02,620 --> 00:15:08,660 seen anybody drink like him and I was reeking of alcohol too and uh the the cop looked at me and 144 00:15:08,660 --> 00:15:13,860 he goes okay carry on you know not just be in prison in England over this dope you know but 145 00:15:14,320 --> 00:15:18,860 the things that I did without really thinking you know all I thought if you told me are you 146 00:15:18,860 --> 00:15:24,680 self-centered I'd tell you no uh do you wake up and do you want to go and create havoc in other 147 00:15:24,680 --> 00:15:28,780 people's life I said no because I didn't I didn't wake up and say gee I'm going to create havoc in 148 00:15:28,780 --> 00:15:34,500 Oscar's life that's not what I did you know that's what I did but that's not what I was thinking 149 00:15:34,500 --> 00:15:40,560 anyway and um so anyway yeah we went through Europe and stuff like that and uh I'll tell you 150 00:15:40,560 --> 00:15:44,300 what man that was some vicious good dope because I that went through all of Europe with 151 00:15:44,320 --> 00:15:48,960 me when I got to New York it still had enough for me and my cousins and then I flew back to LA 152 00:15:48,960 --> 00:15:55,480 but uh just a little bit of recreational heroin I'm not but my drinking was really taking off 153 00:15:55,480 --> 00:16:01,760 you know um it got to the point that you know I had bar taps and I also had liquor stores dropping 154 00:16:01,760 --> 00:16:07,440 off liquor at my house and people thought how many guys live there you know how many people 155 00:16:07,440 --> 00:16:13,780 live with you and there wasn't it was just me you know and um that's just how much I was drinking so 156 00:16:14,320 --> 00:16:19,040 I got into a lot of bad things you know I'm not proud of I sold a lot of large quantities of 157 00:16:19,040 --> 00:16:24,440 narcotics uh I've dealt in gun running gun trafficking once again I'm not proud of it 158 00:16:24,440 --> 00:16:31,100 I'm just an honest pro I'm telling you what I did I was a total low-life businessman and um 159 00:16:31,100 --> 00:16:36,120 so I got into a little bit of trouble you know uh meanwhile I'm getting 502s and going to jail 160 00:16:36,120 --> 00:16:40,680 you know for a couple of days then 502s for a week then this and that then the gun charges and 161 00:16:40,680 --> 00:16:43,400 you know let me get sober here for you guys 162 00:16:44,320 --> 00:16:50,460 life was falling off my sleeves I um I had a Porsche 911 you're like this would be my last 163 00:16:50,460 --> 00:16:56,660 junk-a-log story because my mom still has the newspaper clipping for this one and uh oh no I 164 00:16:56,660 --> 00:17:03,880 used to crash cars on a daily basis it was really bad it was really bad um I was up at the Mulholland 165 00:17:03,880 --> 00:17:11,740 we were racing and uh I had a 911 I was part owner of a Porsche Audi repair shop on Van Nuys Boulevard 166 00:17:14,320 --> 00:17:18,880 anyway I had this car and I was going and I had a five-point restraint and I was loaded so one day I 167 00:17:18,880 --> 00:17:25,140 didn't use the restraint and uh anyway I passed this guy and I was like laughing the last the 168 00:17:25,140 --> 00:17:30,440 next thing I remember I'm slamming into this curb and my car is just tipping down Mulholland going 169 00:17:30,440 --> 00:17:35,460 down towards Beverly Hills but I I got knocked out not out of the car right so I get up and 170 00:17:35,460 --> 00:17:40,100 my mom lives right off down on Beverly Glen so I go down on Beverly Glen I'm walking I see the 171 00:17:40,100 --> 00:17:44,200 you know the ambulance fire there's everybody coming up the road while I'm walking down 172 00:17:44,320 --> 00:17:48,760 and uh we get there my brother my mom's there and I said hey let's go up there and see what's 173 00:17:48,760 --> 00:17:53,300 going on and by that time it looked like a Hollywood movie set you know everybody's there 174 00:17:53,300 --> 00:17:58,200 the lights they even had they had one truck that just had lights came up with lights you know that 175 00:17:58,200 --> 00:18:02,580 it's job and and there was a cop there and they found a car and they were dragging the car up 176 00:18:02,580 --> 00:18:07,480 and the car didn't have one square centimeter that wasn't dented I mean you couldn't save 177 00:18:07,480 --> 00:18:13,320 anything from this car and uh I saw I asked the cop I said uh I see you got the car he goes yeah 178 00:18:14,320 --> 00:18:18,020 the car we're just looking for the body now and I'm just standing right next to this cop you know 179 00:18:18,020 --> 00:18:23,100 just like oh no you know so we got back in our car I mean this type of thing it's the guardian 180 00:18:23,100 --> 00:18:28,580 angel syndrome you know that I was just protected I should have I should I should have died if not 181 00:18:28,580 --> 00:18:35,440 died served some long time for that you know uh got away with it just got away with it but I got 182 00:18:35,440 --> 00:18:42,900 caught a lot too so anyway the finally what happened to me was uh I was looking at doing 183 00:18:44,320 --> 00:18:51,320 five to maybe ten and um it took me 13 months and over two hundred thousand dollars to get out of 184 00:18:51,320 --> 00:18:58,420 that and I did you know I was in county jail for 13 months and uh probably now it's probably worse 185 00:18:58,420 --> 00:19:03,560 it's probably even more overcrowded than it was then 30 years ago but uh when I finally got out 186 00:19:03,560 --> 00:19:11,320 I was defeated man I was I was really feeling low I lost my home uh I lost every penny I had 187 00:19:11,320 --> 00:19:14,300 artwork everything you know the funny thing about the car was that I was really feeling low I was 188 00:19:14,320 --> 00:19:14,960 feeling really low you know so I was like oh no that's how the fuck I feel about the state is they 189 00:19:14,960 --> 00:19:18,960 find out how much you have and they take everything as you're fine you know that's the state of 190 00:19:18,960 --> 00:19:25,260 California deal with me so but anyway I was out you know I was out and uh at that time my best 191 00:19:25,260 --> 00:19:30,300 friend was going to the pacific group I got sober at life's in session because he's used to go there 192 00:19:30,300 --> 00:19:35,000 and then he went out and I stayed on it then he started going to pacific so I started going to 193 00:19:35,000 --> 00:19:39,200 pacific group sort of being together he's my best friend and try to stay sober together 194 00:19:39,200 --> 00:19:43,700 and I started doing what you guys told me to do you know um 195 00:19:44,320 --> 00:19:50,860 being defeated helped. Like I said, I'm one of those guys, man, that's at the bar at two o'clock 196 00:19:50,860 --> 00:19:57,280 in the morning, drunk, and I'll order that next drink, which, I mean, my body won't even feel it 197 00:19:57,280 --> 00:20:00,860 anyway, because I'm just already, you're drunk, but you're going to be super drunk. You know what 198 00:20:00,860 --> 00:20:09,380 I mean? So anyway, that was in 1989. My sobriety date is 94. And I'll tell you why. My wife, 199 00:20:09,380 --> 00:20:15,660 I was having a dinner party at my house, and my wife got some Sharps beer. And I drank that 200 00:20:15,660 --> 00:20:20,240 Sharps beer. And about two or three months later, I told my sponsor, I said, I drank Sharps beer. 201 00:20:20,320 --> 00:20:23,280 He goes, well, you got to start your sobriety over again. I said, no, there's no alcohol in it. I 202 00:20:23,280 --> 00:20:29,820 didn't get loaded. And I found out there is, it's like 0.0 whatever, you know, O'Doul's doesn't 203 00:20:29,820 --> 00:20:34,640 have it. So he goes, you got to start your sobriety over again. Here, I'm five years sober, 204 00:20:34,760 --> 00:20:38,520 and he's asking me to start my sobriety over again, which I really thought was cowardice. 205 00:20:38,520 --> 00:20:39,360 I said, Frank, you know, 206 00:20:39,380 --> 00:20:44,300 how I drink. I go to Vegas, I drink right. If I'm going to go out on my sobriety, I'm going to do 207 00:20:44,300 --> 00:20:49,100 it right. You know, I don't, I'm not going to half-ass it. And I don't, look, I don't even 208 00:20:49,100 --> 00:20:54,360 know. I never shot near dope. I drank near beer. I don't get it. How do I have known I wouldn't 209 00:20:54,360 --> 00:20:58,020 have done it? You know, and that's what I told Frank. I said, Frank, man, it wasn't the intent 210 00:20:58,020 --> 00:21:01,940 because I wouldn't go to beer. I'd go to whiskey. I was a big whiskey drinker. I love whiskey. 211 00:21:02,380 --> 00:21:08,020 So, you know, I wouldn't have touched it. And he goes, well, it does have alcohol in it. 212 00:21:08,020 --> 00:21:13,680 And you need to start your sobriety over again. I was already secretary of the Tuesday night 213 00:21:13,680 --> 00:21:19,180 meeting and everything else. And so, I raised my hand again. And Frank wasn't too deep. You know, 214 00:21:19,300 --> 00:21:23,840 Frank had 187 felonies. So, I fell in love with him the first day I saw Frank. And I said, 215 00:21:23,900 --> 00:21:30,340 he's my guy. And Frank did a lot of good work with me early in my sobriety. He told me some 216 00:21:30,340 --> 00:21:36,200 stuff that was quite profound for a guy that, you know, Frank had a third grade education. 217 00:21:36,700 --> 00:21:38,000 But some of the most profound things that he told me were, you know, Frank had a third grade education. 218 00:21:38,020 --> 00:21:43,460 I've heard my life came from his lips, you know, which is really weird. He said, you got to raise 219 00:21:43,460 --> 00:21:48,500 your hand again. And I did, you know. And I remember he was starting having medical problems 220 00:21:48,500 --> 00:21:53,800 and I was driving him around. Somehow, I drive everybody around in AA. That's what I do. And I 221 00:21:53,800 --> 00:21:57,940 was talking to him on the way back. And I said, look, Frank, you know, I felt like killing my 222 00:21:57,940 --> 00:22:05,020 wife for this. I mean it. I mean killing her, not divorcing her, killing her. And I'm not suicidal. 223 00:22:05,020 --> 00:22:07,460 I am homicidal, you know. 224 00:22:08,020 --> 00:22:12,440 But he told me something. He goes, if you're willing to do this sacrifice, 225 00:22:12,800 --> 00:22:16,340 chances are you'll stand a better chance of staying sober than most people in that room. 226 00:22:16,500 --> 00:22:20,820 You know, here's, this is Frank Siebel, you know. For Frank, you had to erase a tattoo to put one 227 00:22:20,820 --> 00:22:25,760 on him, you know. And I said, okay, Frank, you know, I did it. You know, I raised my hand. And 228 00:22:25,760 --> 00:22:30,120 meanwhile, you're going to say, I'm five years sober that I had to throw out. I was thinking, 229 00:22:30,200 --> 00:22:34,220 man, if that was the case, you know, I still think that way. I should have been out drinking 230 00:22:34,220 --> 00:22:38,000 and drugging and doing what I do best. But, you know, I was like, I'm going to do it. I'm going to 231 00:22:38,000 --> 00:22:42,660 do it. But I didn't. You know, I, it took a lot of humility on my part. I almost left this 232 00:22:42,660 --> 00:22:47,580 program. I thought it was unfair. And to this day, I've talked to people and people say, yeah, 233 00:22:47,580 --> 00:22:55,520 that's, that's pretty unfair. But my sobriety date is June 19th, 1994, not 89. So, so I started 234 00:22:55,520 --> 00:22:59,880 doing what they told me to do. You know, one thing I liked about alcoholics, I love the little, 235 00:23:00,160 --> 00:23:07,640 the little sayings, but I, it was obvious that the way I think wasn't working. I was honest enough to 236 00:23:08,000 --> 00:23:13,880 that. And I was tired of thinking and lying and paying lawyers and everything else. So I finally 237 00:23:13,880 --> 00:23:18,620 came to a program that people were telling me what to do. And there were simple things. And so 238 00:23:18,620 --> 00:23:24,740 to me, that was like you lifting a barbell off of me. You know, I don't have to lie and cheat and 239 00:23:24,740 --> 00:23:29,900 steal anymore. So my first year, I got a lot of stuff done. You know, a lot of my problems got 240 00:23:29,900 --> 00:23:33,940 pigeonholed. You know, I'm not in front of judges anymore, looking at doing time. I'm not paying 241 00:23:33,940 --> 00:23:37,980 lawyers anymore because I'm not breaking the law. You know, my life got really, really, really, really, 242 00:23:38,000 --> 00:23:43,600 really well. It set a good foundation for me on my first year. And like I said, I was with the 243 00:23:43,600 --> 00:23:47,740 Pacific group and I got in with the coffee crew and, you know, they're all thugs and everything 244 00:23:47,740 --> 00:23:51,980 else, but I love those guys. And they put me underneath their wing and, you know, and I went 245 00:23:51,980 --> 00:23:56,700 to the moves and the watches and stuff like, excuse me, the stuff like that. And I started 246 00:23:56,700 --> 00:24:03,120 realizing that my life is changing, you know. There's some, you know, spots in my sobriety that 247 00:24:03,120 --> 00:24:07,880 meant a lot to me. That first year was important. You know, I was a guy, I couldn't stay hours 248 00:24:08,000 --> 00:24:13,140 sober, man. I got up in the morning and I drank. I mean, I had to. I had the shakes. I didn't have 249 00:24:13,140 --> 00:24:19,380 a choice. I passed that point of having a choice, you know. It's like, if I didn't, you know, I'd 250 00:24:19,380 --> 00:24:23,180 have like spearmint soap, you know, I'd brush my teeth and brush my whole face. I shook so bad, 251 00:24:23,220 --> 00:24:28,400 you know. I needed to get that half pint in me. And then I'd go drive and I act like a normal 252 00:24:28,400 --> 00:24:33,000 human being, believe it or not, with a half a pint of vodka in me or whiskey, whatever I had, 253 00:24:33,000 --> 00:24:37,980 you know. So anyway, where was I here? Oh, yeah. With that, 254 00:24:38,000 --> 00:24:43,100 first year. So near the end of that first year, we had a watch for me and I was just going, 255 00:24:43,200 --> 00:24:47,680 I couldn't believe that I didn't drink for 12 months or didn't do any drugs or anything else. 256 00:24:47,880 --> 00:24:54,520 I was still living a little bit like a thug and I was slowly getting away from that sort of life, 257 00:24:54,640 --> 00:25:00,020 you know, the gun running and the rest of that stuff I was doing. I knew it was wrong and I was 258 00:25:00,020 --> 00:25:05,140 slowly getting out of all of that. But what I do remember is that first year is that, man, 259 00:25:05,140 --> 00:25:07,740 I didn't drink or use for a year. And it was like, 260 00:25:07,760 --> 00:25:07,980 are you kidding me? I didn't drink or use for a year. I didn't drink or use for a year. I didn't 261 00:25:08,000 --> 00:25:12,880 you kidding me? I haven't done that since I was 12, 13 years old. You know, that meant something to 262 00:25:12,880 --> 00:25:20,600 me. You know, the next major step that I had is when I did that fourth step, you know, and most 263 00:25:20,600 --> 00:25:26,160 people are afraid of their fourth step. I wasn't because Frank was a criminal and I wrote a lot of 264 00:25:26,160 --> 00:25:32,020 stuff on that fourth step that could put me away for a long, long time and rightfully so. So I had 265 00:25:32,020 --> 00:25:37,640 to trust another man on seeing that. That was just on the stuff that is breaking the law. 266 00:25:37,640 --> 00:25:42,000 Then I had to write down on things about my character and my behavior, which is even more 267 00:25:42,000 --> 00:25:46,200 embarrassing. I served a lot of time, so I didn't care about serving time, but I did care about those 268 00:25:46,200 --> 00:25:51,780 other things, you know. And I remember I struggled with that and it was several pages long, man. 269 00:25:52,100 --> 00:25:56,320 You know, remember, I was the catechism angel. I was the last kid on the row, you know, with the 270 00:25:56,320 --> 00:26:04,120 devil with full regalia behind me. And it was like five pages long. And I remember I went over to his 271 00:26:04,120 --> 00:26:07,620 house and he read it and everything else. And, you know, he was reading, he goes, look, let me tell you, 272 00:26:07,640 --> 00:26:11,460 something I did, blah, blah, blah, blah. Anyway, he went through all of that. Then he got it and 273 00:26:11,460 --> 00:26:16,020 just lit it on fire and threw it away. Once again, this is after my first year. I don't know exactly 274 00:26:16,020 --> 00:26:20,760 the ins and outs of Alcoholics Anonymous. But I know one thing that when I left his house, 275 00:26:20,800 --> 00:26:26,740 I felt better. I felt better that I told the truth about all these ugly things in me, you know. 276 00:26:28,020 --> 00:26:34,300 I felt clean is what I did. Then he goes, now you got to do your amends. And I had a lot of amends 277 00:26:34,300 --> 00:26:37,620 to do. You know, a lot of them, some of them were financial. Some of them was just, you know, 278 00:26:37,620 --> 00:26:42,520 just a fact. I went out with high school with this girl named Carol Standell. And her father was a 279 00:26:42,520 --> 00:26:47,560 contractor. I used to sell drawings. I used to draw remodeling drawings. And I'd sell it for him 280 00:26:47,560 --> 00:26:54,220 for 500 bucks. My dad made 750 at Lockheed. So I would put together a remodel sketch in a day, 281 00:26:54,300 --> 00:26:59,460 day and a half with elevations and foundation details. And her dad would buy it for 500 bucks. 282 00:26:59,460 --> 00:27:06,520 So that gives me four days of doing nothing, you know. But anyway, Carol was a sweet girl, man. And 283 00:27:06,520 --> 00:27:07,600 I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't 284 00:27:07,620 --> 00:27:07,640 know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't 285 00:27:07,640 --> 00:27:07,700 know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't 286 00:27:07,700 --> 00:27:13,200 I almost feel like blowing my brains out for the things I put her through. But anyway, he was, 287 00:27:13,500 --> 00:27:18,340 he turned out, he joined a little company called Bechtel. And then from Bechtel, he went to another 288 00:27:18,340 --> 00:27:23,440 little company called Tudor Saliba, who happens to be building your subway. And at that time, 289 00:27:23,460 --> 00:27:27,660 he goes, look, Leonard, stay with me. Stay with me. I'll take you up with me. You know, 290 00:27:27,660 --> 00:27:33,000 how do I have done that? I would have retired 25 years ago. But, but I didn't, you know, man, 291 00:27:33,020 --> 00:27:39,640 I crashed the guy's car, abused his daughters, you know, drank all his booze. I had amends to make. 292 00:27:39,680 --> 00:27:45,500 And I remember when I went to make an amends to him, man, and he was a big guy, too. And I knocked 293 00:27:45,500 --> 00:27:51,260 on her door on where Carol lived anyway. And he passed away. The mother opened the door. Oh, 294 00:27:51,300 --> 00:27:55,720 Leonard, come on in. And they were still nice to me, man, you know, which made me feel even worse, 295 00:27:55,780 --> 00:27:56,460 you know. 296 00:27:57,660 --> 00:28:00,880 I told her, I went over there. Look, I came here to apologize. You know, I was still 297 00:28:00,880 --> 00:28:06,720 new in the amending thing. I said, look, I was a rap bastard. And I just want to go and apologize 298 00:28:06,720 --> 00:28:11,500 to you for that and all of that. And she goes, oh, you know, we loved you and we still love you 299 00:28:11,500 --> 00:28:16,380 and everything else. She goes, Carol, you know, left and she married a dentist. She lives in San 300 00:28:16,380 --> 00:28:20,600 Diego. I could give you her number. I said, no, no, that's OK. Just if you see her, tell her I'm 301 00:28:20,600 --> 00:28:25,760 sorry. Carol would have been the love of my life, man. I definitely don't want to see her again. 302 00:28:25,760 --> 00:28:27,640 I don't. I don't. Because the good life. 303 00:28:27,660 --> 00:28:32,300 I have will probably go down the drain. But so I started doing that. And when I did my amends was 304 00:28:32,300 --> 00:28:38,040 another plateau in Alcoholics Anonymous for me. You know, by then now I'm using these 12 steps 305 00:28:38,040 --> 00:28:43,320 in my daily life. You got to understand you're talking about a two legged animal. So it took a 306 00:28:43,320 --> 00:28:47,380 while for me to start incorporating these things in my life. And I realized that when I do incorporate 307 00:28:47,380 --> 00:28:51,920 those things in my life, I have a better life. And so do you. And the people around me have a 308 00:28:51,920 --> 00:28:57,640 better life. So I tried to. Well, obviously, now I've got a few years left. I've got a few years 309 00:28:57,660 --> 00:29:02,500 here. But I started working, working the program. It obviously doesn't come natural to me because if 310 00:29:02,500 --> 00:29:07,920 it did, I wouldn't be here. So I started working, doing work. I started reading the book. I started 311 00:29:07,920 --> 00:29:14,300 getting more into a spiritual contact, spiritual awareness here. We call it a higher power. I call 312 00:29:14,300 --> 00:29:19,000 it God. And it was the God thing wasn't bad for me because I came from Catholic school. So I was 313 00:29:19,000 --> 00:29:24,040 the concept of God was very ingrained in my head. And the God that I had there is still the God I 314 00:29:24,040 --> 00:29:27,640 believe today. And my God is a forgiving God. And I believe in God. And I believe in God. And I believe 315 00:29:27,660 --> 00:29:34,680 in God. He's also a God of wrath. He's also a God that has drowned the whole earth. So, you know, 316 00:29:34,760 --> 00:29:38,660 he's a God that you shouldn't play with. He's a God that you could come for forgiveness. He's 317 00:29:38,660 --> 00:29:46,480 there for that. My God, anyway. And and he will forgive you. And but don't don't push him. Anyway, 318 00:29:46,680 --> 00:29:53,700 so that was I after my fourth step and after my amends, I haven't felt better in Alcoholics 319 00:29:53,700 --> 00:29:57,440 Anonymous since that. It blew away the first year of not drinking and using. 320 00:29:57,660 --> 00:30:03,280 That just blew my mind. Then the the fourth and fifth step gave me the cleaning for me. 321 00:30:03,280 --> 00:30:10,540 That spiritually gave me a quantum leap. It was another way of living. And what that did, 322 00:30:10,600 --> 00:30:14,880 it forced me to use these steps and every day in my life, which I try to do to this day. 323 00:30:15,520 --> 00:30:20,080 Everything I'm telling you, I don't do perfect. I really don't. You know, I try to do the best I 324 00:30:20,080 --> 00:30:24,080 can with it, you know, and I've been doing this for a little while. So I do it more often than not. 325 00:30:24,920 --> 00:30:27,640 But and being of service to, you know, people are saying, 326 00:30:27,660 --> 00:30:31,380 I was being a circus had a truck. Everybody used my truck to moves and stuff like that. 327 00:30:31,800 --> 00:30:37,660 And but I've done panels, you know, because of this program, I have a ministry at my church 328 00:30:37,660 --> 00:30:42,440 that I do. And I've been doing it for 12 years over there. And without Alcoholics Anonymous, 329 00:30:42,560 --> 00:30:48,820 I would never be doing that. I think very much about myself. You know, I do well on myself as 330 00:30:48,820 --> 00:30:54,320 far as thinking. But Alcoholics Anonymous got me out of myself. And I think that's why they tell 331 00:30:54,320 --> 00:30:57,640 you to go in service, because if you don't think if you're doing something for somebody, 332 00:30:57,660 --> 00:31:01,480 you can't be thinking of yourself. And thinking of yourself is what got you inside this, 333 00:31:01,620 --> 00:31:08,400 these rooms. So like I said, the Pacific group's very active that way, you know, and I started 334 00:31:08,400 --> 00:31:14,360 doing a panels, I started doing moves, and I started doing all those things. And I another 335 00:31:14,360 --> 00:31:20,800 day, here's another plateau, I realized I wasn't craving the drinking and drugging. Because I 336 00:31:20,800 --> 00:31:25,640 remember waking up and having to do it. But I remember waking up before I got to having to do 337 00:31:25,640 --> 00:31:27,640 it to wanting to do it to crave it. 338 00:31:27,660 --> 00:31:33,220 I didn't feel like doing it anymore. God lifted that in the end of the book tells you that he goes, 339 00:31:33,280 --> 00:31:39,360 you'll lift that from you. That was a confirmation of what we call a higher power. There was no force 340 00:31:39,360 --> 00:31:43,100 on earth that would get me away from drinking and drugging. Because I've tried everything. 341 00:31:43,760 --> 00:31:50,140 Rabbis prayed for me, priests, everybody, my mom did no Venus, nothing worked, nothing. The only 342 00:31:50,140 --> 00:31:55,200 thing that could work is something bigger than me bigger than myself. And that person is God. 343 00:31:55,200 --> 00:31:56,820 With him, everything's possible. 344 00:31:57,660 --> 00:32:02,240 That started my journey. You know, from there, as far as what's happening now, I'm married, 345 00:32:02,400 --> 00:32:10,320 I live and see me. My life is not the James Bond life. It's not very exciting. But I'm happy. I have 346 00:32:10,320 --> 00:32:16,540 a wife for a long time. Just a quick one. What time do I stop here, guys? 55. Okay. My mom came 347 00:32:16,540 --> 00:32:24,380 from a family of 15. That tops Diane. She Yeah, she had 10 sisters and five brothers 15. My mom's 348 00:32:24,380 --> 00:32:27,540 the only the last one alive. Now, this woman that I drove her crazy. 349 00:32:27,660 --> 00:32:32,280 I've been taking care of my mom for over 35 years. And that's been a blessing, though. At times, 350 00:32:32,300 --> 00:32:37,820 I've felt like pushing in front of a train. But to be honest, but God gives me that, you know, 351 00:32:37,880 --> 00:32:42,040 God gave me these kids, my God gave me this wife, I mean, for me to take care of them and be able to 352 00:32:42,040 --> 00:32:47,540 do it. I have an aunt Agnes real quick here. After high school, I went over and her son's 353 00:32:47,540 --> 00:32:52,520 actually with the Hells Angels and everything. But we were, we were drinking, carrying on in 354 00:32:52,520 --> 00:32:57,460 her garage. And anyway, I was playing with matches type of stuff. And you know, making pipe 355 00:32:57,460 --> 00:32:57,640 bombs. And I was playing with matches type of stuff. And you know, making pipe bombs. And I was 356 00:32:57,640 --> 00:33:04,980 anyway, I got her garage and part of her kitchen caught on fire. And that aunt hated me forever for 357 00:33:04,980 --> 00:33:09,020 it. My mom's sister and she goes, Oh, you you know, you set my house on fire. I said I didn't 358 00:33:09,020 --> 00:33:12,480 set your house on fire was the garage in the kitchen. I'm a contractor. I know what I said 359 00:33:12,480 --> 00:33:17,780 on fire. So anyway, and I tried throughout time, I tried to make my amends with her. I sent her on 360 00:33:17,780 --> 00:33:24,960 cruises with my mom, you know, I flew her countless times out here. And she still hated me, you know. 361 00:33:26,280 --> 00:33:26,640 But 362 00:33:26,640 --> 00:33:31,080 years and years later, she finally moved out here and stayed was living with my mom. And then she 363 00:33:31,080 --> 00:33:36,240 got married and all that. And I mean, her husband died, and she was alone. And, you know, I would 364 00:33:36,240 --> 00:33:43,220 take care of her financially and help her and all that. And she contracted pancreatic cancer. And 365 00:33:43,220 --> 00:33:49,480 man, what a brutal freaking disease. So the last four, the last eight weeks of her life. 366 00:33:50,800 --> 00:33:56,420 My mom is 91. So I brought her to stay with me. You know, I got my wife and I got out and slept in 367 00:33:56,420 --> 00:34:00,740 another bedroom, gave her the master bedroom, yanked the bed, put the medical bed in and the 368 00:34:00,740 --> 00:34:06,720 oxygen generator and the rest of the stuff that goes with it. And the last eight weeks of her 369 00:34:06,720 --> 00:34:12,900 life, she stayed with me. And I was fortunate enough to do that. Near the end there, the last 370 00:34:12,900 --> 00:34:18,040 two weeks were sort of gruesome. I would sleep on the floor of the master bedroom with her. My wife 371 00:34:18,040 --> 00:34:21,560 would be in the other bedroom and she had to go to the bathroom. I'd carry her, put her in the 372 00:34:21,560 --> 00:34:25,660 bathroom, get my wife to go do the thing. Then I'd carry her back and put her in bed, you know. 373 00:34:26,420 --> 00:34:31,180 And one time I was carrying her out and she goes, oh, you know, Leonard, you've been my angel, 374 00:34:31,380 --> 00:34:39,960 that. But I haven't forgotten you burnt my house down. I felt like going, you know. So even on the 375 00:34:39,960 --> 00:34:46,580 way out, she gave me a kick. But and once again, you know, I was blessed to do that. My kids, 376 00:34:46,580 --> 00:34:51,380 it was a good lesson for the kids. You know, this was around six, seven years ago. My kids are in 377 00:34:51,380 --> 00:34:55,880 their twenties and one's out of college and one's in college. But it was good for my, I always taught 378 00:34:56,420 --> 00:35:01,720 my kids that death is part of life, you know, and you, you know, it was, you have to see this and 379 00:35:01,720 --> 00:35:06,040 then this is the way it goes, you know. But I was able to be there. If I was drinking and using, 380 00:35:06,100 --> 00:35:09,380 I couldn't take care of my mom. I couldn't take care of myself. I wouldn't be able to be there 381 00:35:09,380 --> 00:35:14,520 with my Aunt Agnes. I wouldn't be able to do anything, man. I was a mess. I was a mess, 382 00:35:14,800 --> 00:35:19,400 you know. I would be in prison or dead. I've been there. So it would be, I would be dead 383 00:35:19,400 --> 00:35:26,140 probably by now, assuming I'm out in the streets. So, so I'm very grateful to this program. I really 384 00:35:26,140 --> 00:35:31,980 am. You know, I try to, for me, the road gets a little narrower. I have to take a look at my 385 00:35:31,980 --> 00:35:39,840 intentions. And when I do things, I know that I've asked God to remove a lot of my character faults, 386 00:35:39,840 --> 00:35:45,440 but I don't know if I'm willing for him to remove all of them. It's sort of interesting how that's 387 00:35:45,440 --> 00:35:51,360 the next step. That would be the hard work is you could ask God to remove it, but you've got to be 388 00:35:51,360 --> 00:35:56,100 willing to let him take it out of you. And that may require some work. And there's a lot of things 389 00:35:56,140 --> 00:36:00,880 I'm working on that way. You know, I've been sober for over 25 years, but there's, because I was a 390 00:36:00,880 --> 00:36:08,240 real mess. So there's still some stuff I need to discard. And I try to, I pray, you know, I get up 391 00:36:08,240 --> 00:36:12,220 in the morning. I pray before I go to bed. I pray. I thank God for the life he's given me. 392 00:36:12,840 --> 00:36:16,620 And, but look, man, I have moments that I pull inside that house. I live in a nice neighborhood. 393 00:36:16,620 --> 00:36:20,300 I got a beautiful house. And I said, if I have to walk through that freaking door again, 394 00:36:20,300 --> 00:36:26,120 I'm going to blow my brains out, you know, and then I walk inside the door and there's a lot of 395 00:36:26,140 --> 00:36:31,260 commotion going on. There's kids and friends and TVs are on and everything else. And then I 396 00:36:31,260 --> 00:36:36,280 realized how fortunate I am. You know, this Thanksgiving we had, I think like 15 people 397 00:36:36,280 --> 00:36:41,380 at the house and my wife cooked, you know, here's the thing, freaking women. I still don't understand 398 00:36:41,380 --> 00:36:46,820 women. You know, I bought this stove, man, that you got to go to college to use. And, you know, 399 00:36:47,200 --> 00:36:52,920 and my wife got this roast, like it's $140 worth of roast. And you got a probe, you stick on this 400 00:36:52,920 --> 00:36:55,900 thing and it's got a display. And I said, why are you, 401 00:36:56,140 --> 00:36:59,120 she goes, well, I said, what's the matter? She goes, I'm cooking this roast. I said, okay, 402 00:36:59,280 --> 00:37:03,040 why are you stressing? She goes, I don't want to burn it. And I said, what about the probe and 403 00:37:03,040 --> 00:37:06,100 the rest of the stuff that we paid for? So you, that doesn't happen. And I said, 404 00:37:06,520 --> 00:37:10,100 it's not your first roast either. It's not like you and I cooking one, you know, 405 00:37:10,100 --> 00:37:12,900 I can understand that. It was like, you know, and she's stressing everything out, 406 00:37:12,920 --> 00:37:16,080 but made a beautiful dinner and every, you know, I'd said, you know, I shouldn't, 407 00:37:16,140 --> 00:37:21,680 might've sort of bought a Weber barbecue, but, you know, and I, and we had a, we, 408 00:37:21,680 --> 00:37:26,240 we have a long table. We got another table and my wife was sitting way the hell at the end of the 409 00:37:26,240 --> 00:37:29,900 other one. And when people are carrying on, it said grace and people are carrying on and stuff. 410 00:37:30,440 --> 00:37:34,300 And then from the corner of my eye, I caught Tina looking at me and I, I want to, because 411 00:37:34,300 --> 00:37:38,760 been together a long time. You talk just by looking at each other. And, and I looked at her 412 00:37:38,760 --> 00:37:41,960 like, what are you going to point out? Somebody's growing horns or something. That's what I'm 413 00:37:41,960 --> 00:37:47,180 expecting. And, you know, and she just had a nice smile. So all of that was done by Alcoholics 414 00:37:47,180 --> 00:37:51,660 Anonymous, not by me. I may have paid for it, but it would have never happened. And I said, 415 00:37:51,660 --> 00:37:54,960 it would have never happened. It would have never happened. You know, my cousins wouldn't 416 00:37:54,960 --> 00:37:58,280 have been there. The family up the street that came down, Carlos, he was the guitar player in 417 00:37:58,280 --> 00:38:03,200 the band. And I've known him from the days of New York. He was there with his family. And like I 418 00:38:03,200 --> 00:38:08,140 said, it looked like a hallway, the table and everybody's eating, everybody's having a good 419 00:38:08,140 --> 00:38:13,680 time. And I would have missed all of that. I would have missed every bit of the good things that has 420 00:38:13,680 --> 00:38:19,680 happened. You know, my mom, everybody's there, you know, and I have to get up and take my mom 421 00:38:19,680 --> 00:38:21,640 back to her house. You know, my mom lives alone. I have to get up and take my mom back to her house. 422 00:38:21,660 --> 00:38:27,540 But I see her three days a week. People from the church check in with her. So I've been truly 423 00:38:27,540 --> 00:38:33,880 blessed, man. All I could say for somebody here is if Alcoholics Anonymous could keep a freak 424 00:38:33,880 --> 00:38:38,660 animal like me sober, it could definitely keep you guys sober. I'm going to thank you for having 425 00:38:38,660 --> 00:38:39,340 me. God bless you.