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 look around you come on there's nothing to get here folks you know the only thing you're gonna

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 get here if you're new is be prepared to be divinely in convenience for the rest of your

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 damn life you know because this is the longest thing i've ever done against my will my entire

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 life right which is why it works so well nothing to do with convenience everything to do with uh

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 doing the uncomfortable to get comfortable really you know and i've never been comfortable i've

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 never had peace of mind now i know how to feel good because all that takes is a little something

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 out there and put it in here but i've never had that peace of mind that peace of mind that you

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 get if you're new that no matter what's going on around you within you next to you down the street

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 you're okay right here you're all right all right here and you know why that is because the most

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 important thing in your life is Alcoholics Anonymous you make that the most important

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 thing in your life your primary purpose and everything else will fall into place but the

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 moment you start pecking around your personal life and trying to move that around to make you feel

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 good before you know it AA is down five or six down on the ladder and you just become too busy

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 to give thanks to the thing that saved your life you know so if you're new i i hope you find a

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 sponsor i know i know if you're new you've got something about you that makes you feel different

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 i know there's something going on with you that you have used to separate yourself from everybody

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 that you're around and if you're new in Alcoholics Anonymous that's perfectly normal to have something

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 to make you feel different which is dangerous is when you don't tell anybody about it and then it

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 starts growing like a chia pet if you're like me you know what i mean find somebody in this room

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 come back here again find a couple folks you can talk to and let them in on the secret because i

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 guarantee you one thing you don't have anything in that head that's going to shock us there is

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 nothing that you've done that's going to shock the people in this room believe me if it hasn't

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 been done by the folks in the first four rows it just haven't been thought of yet you know what i

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 mean you are not going to shock the people in AA you know we're here to help you and our magic word

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 here is identification identification that's what makes this room completely different than any room

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 i've ever sat in and if you're like me and a couple the other folks in here we spent a lifetime

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 sitting in rooms you know and all of them trying to talk us into something all of us they all these

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 rooms from the time i was 13 to the time i was 30 i sat in rooms from the state and the county and

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 the government and churches and hospitals and everybody had diplomas and stuff like that and

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 everybody had just volumes of data about what's wrong with me they had pictures of my fat feet

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 and my chunky liver and you know and every one of these rooms were trying to talk me into being an

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 alcoholic and they all meant well and thank god they couldn't do that you can't talk people into

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 being an alcoholic and suffering from alcoholism you can't and you know what i am so glad because

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 they would have robbed you and me of our most divining moment of our lives as we concede to our

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 innermost self that we were alcoholics that is the most divining moment that an alcoholic can have

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 because for the first time in his life he does the hardest thing that he's ever had to do admit

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 defeat it's okay to tell people yeah yeah yeah stuff but when you have to admit to your innermost

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 self man i just can't do it no more and yet i'm gonna when you're physically beating your body

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 saying no more larry and your head's saying get in the car how do you make that go away

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 how do you make it go away when every time you get sober you know of the harmful things you just did

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 you know of the things that have just been done to you every time you're sober you've got the

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 nightmares and the memories of all the things that have happened to you you've got the experience and

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 your body is falling apart every time you're sober your fat liver and your chunky bread that's

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 hallucinating and pounding at your head and stuff your fat feet and stuff like that and blood coming

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 everywhere you have all the stuff happening to you when you're not drinking you have people in

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 your mind and in your life that are begging you not to stop this you know don't continue don't

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 drink larry people are begging you yet me and you are the only people when we stop drinking

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 that the only thing that not drinking ever squeezes out of our head is that thought that

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 this time it's going to be different or in my case the three most deadliest words in my vocabulary

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 to this day what's the use what's the use man i've not drank and it's just no use what who am i

51
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 kidding i can't do this and it seems like sobriety drives me to drink and that was the thing that was

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 confusing to me and some of the folks in this room growing up is all our lives we've been surrounded

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 by well-meaning people well-educated people trying to convince us of the lie and what's that lie the

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 lie is simply this if you stop drinking everything will be all right and me and you stop drinking and

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 we're not all right and the longer we stay sober the worse we get and running down to the old

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 alano club and ain't where are we at incino lake bow there's not a goddamn lake around here there's

57
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 there's a runoff from the shell station you know what i mean that's the only lake they got around

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 here you know what i mean lake balboa like it's some exotic place you know shit just say you're

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 in the hood just say it man you know this is the only club around here where you got to come

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 through the alley to get to it man you know they don't tell you that yeah come on down to the old

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 lake balboa club you know you know lake balboa you know plenty of golfing you know yeah shit

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 you know plenty of nice restaurants right eight taco trucks on the street up here

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 underly underly you know oh yeah if you just stop drinking everything will be all right and we stop

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 drinking and we're not all right and we come to these little clubs and we hear these guys with

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 these ties on saying stuff like 30 days ago i was on the streets of los angeles now i'm the president

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 of the bank of america thank you and i'm going oh my god i came in with that guy right and i just

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 don't fit i just don't fit because one more time i'm surrounded by people who are doing what i just

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 can't seem to do and that is get their life together god if i could just get my life together

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 right well you can but that ain't going to keep you sober most people you'll meet in here are

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 having a material experience that ain't going to keep you sober money and property prestige won't

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 keep a man's and you'll get them here there's nothing wrong with that but man when you rest

72
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 all your bacon into that now the material life won't keep a guy like me sober something has to

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 happen to us as a result of these steps something has to happen to us that can't be done in any

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 other way but through these steps or we'd be sitting in that room tonight something has to

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 happen to us because we lack the power for it not to and i didn't know what that meant i had no idea

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 i couldn't blame my mother and father i had great folks you know i was born in detroit we have real

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 lakes come on now you can't even see across the other end of them man you know what i mean and

78
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 you know had great mother and father i just lost my mom not too long ago too and

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 god she was a sweet lady man sweet lady little scandinavian lady right and uh and speaking of

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 scandinavian here's how smart i am new people i spent the first seven minutes of this meeting

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 trying to figure out what no sniveling means i thought it was some kind of german sign or

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 something like that i said oh shit it says no sniveling yeah i i'm a lost case man you know

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 and my little mom was uh she's a little scandinavian lady and she loved diet pills

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 right she loved that speed and so she loved to eat that speed and run around sorting nuts and

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 bolts in the garage all night or right raking the neighbor's yard or the park across the street you

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 know just a busy lady and always eating that speed and making afghans right you know we had a house

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 about the size of this room and she had a little room over there where she could you know do her

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 knitting and you could just hear all night just like that like the garment district man eating

89
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 those decks and making shit right just making stuff all kinds of stuff man you know making

90
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 houses out of ice cream sticks and just you know just always a little project you know or out in

91
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 the back light with a flashlight at night doing you know picking weeds and stuff like that i

92
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 didn't know i met my first tweaker you know my reference point to when i got older man and as

93
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 some of you new guys know and some of the old guys that when you eat enough speed you have a lot of

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 hobbies am i right right you ain't got a real tooth in your head young man do you and uh and

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 when you have a lot of hobbies hey me neither you know what but when you make the amends your teeth

96
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 grow back they do every one of them man there's a miracle here right and so my mom loved to eat

97
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 that speed and one of her favorite hobbies uh was uh to make these huge jigsaw puzzles right

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 not the 10 000 pieces or the 30 000 pieces right the 1 million pieces right of the mojave desert

99
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 right no shit this is an exciting oh it's going to be a beige night tonight honey you know and

100
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 she'd go get her prescription filled and get her little stinky proxide she'd put on her hair and

101
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 come home and smoke these raleigh cigarettes you know and uh she'd squeeze in behind that

102
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 little breakfast nook you know and start putting this puzzle together all night and she got a piece

103
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 that didn't fit well she had a big pair of toenail clippers and she snipped that son of a bitch down

104
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 wedge it right in there you know i love my mom dearly to the day she died but i had no idea

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 how much damage i did to that lady till i sat with you and another man in this room i had no idea how

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 selfish i was oh a little stingy maybe but i had no idea what selfishness meant i had no idea i

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 hope i never forget taking that fourth step with you guys now my real date mister is 1882 no

108
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 is may 2nd 1982 that's my sobriety date i'm going to be 38 years old and i'm 68 years old right now

109
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 you bet you baby and uh and man i i remember writing out that four step magic man writing down

110
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 that thing and i would start seeing things about larry that he grabbed as a five-year-old kid

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 and still dragging into his adult life and one of those things is what i would do that people who

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 who would give me love and attention and affection right and it started with my mom and it worked its

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 way out and what i would do with that sweet little lady is i would play her like a fiddle that there

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 would never be a time too inconvenient or an age too old for me not to put the tap on that young

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 lady and i never want to forget that i never want to forget and hell the older i got the more i did

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 it i didn't do it for one you know lost weekend or something like that you know i never want to

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 forget that i never want to forget what it was like to be 17 years old and be put away for a

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 small period of time and and when you come out you're supposed to go to the courthouse and stuff

119
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 and the bus lets you out and you're supposed to go in there and i run off into the neighborhood

120
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 and i don't come out till i'm thursday it dropped off on monday and i come back out of thursday and

121
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 i don't show up at home or anything like that no i show up at my mom's place of business she's

122
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 working at a dry cleaners during the week and she's cleaning people's houses on the weekend

123
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 and i make fun of her and i'm ashamed of her but i'm not too ashamed to show up unannounced at

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 eight o'clock in the morning with my filth and my mud and my disgust and as wino joe used to call

125
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 the have limits of despair and i'm standing in this parking lot and i'm about i don't know 30

126
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 yards away man and it's coming down rain and the rain's coming down and i'm hiding behind a parked

127
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 car waiting for the last customer to come out of her place and that last customer comes out and i

128
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 start walking through that water and i can see my bare feet and the blood on them and stuff like that

129
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 and i'm walking through that little water and i open up that door of the dry cleaners and that

130
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 brass bell hits that glass door and my mom turns around and makes that oh so familiar sound oh my

131
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 god larry what's happened to you and she goes over to her desk and she grabs her wallet and pulls out

132
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 one or two or three dollars and i grab that money and i run off to wilmington where i'm going to die

133
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 now the thing that brings it home to me tonight out here in lake balboa pocino lake cochino right

134
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 is you take the same man you take the same man new and alcoholics anonymous with my so-called

135
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 desperation and willing to go to any length and i need to ask you new guys something how come when

136
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 my life depends on it if you were to put the secretary of that meeting that same distance is

137
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 me and my mom in that parking lot how come when my life depends on it i can't walk that same distance

138
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 and that's the secretary for a job in a meeting that's going to save my life but i can walk that

139
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 distance and use folks like my mom time and time and time again and i'm here to share with you that

140
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 it's been my experience and that's all i have that if my alcoholism doesn't kill me my selfishness and

141
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 my self-centeredness will make no mistake about that which is why it's necessary for a man with

142
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 close to 38 years to have a home group a routine of meetings and a job in every one of them and

143
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 it's not so i can run off to lake cochino and tell you about it but it's for one reason and one

144
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 reason only i will never get so sober that i can't get drunk again but i can get so drunk that i

145
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 can't make it back and i never want to forget what i used to be like i never want to forget what

146
00:13:26,320 --> 00:13:31,760
 happened to me and what i'm like today i never want to forget what it's like to know that the

147
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 answer's in here and i'm out there i never want to forget what it was like from 75 to 82 to be going

148
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 to all these meetings in the los angeles area peering through these little doors like that

149
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 looking at these meetings wishing that i could be in the middle of this thing because i knew you had

150
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 something here i knew you had something here and i knew i was too different to be in here because

151
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 you guys were talking about just putting the plug in the jug and everything is wonderful and i put

152
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 the plug in the jug and then the gun in my throat is today today i'm gonna jump in front of the bus

153
00:14:02,720 --> 00:14:08,720
 be sitting there on that bus stop on pacific coast highway in west rock and waiting for the 176 to

154
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 come by stone cold sober is today the day see that's what it's like when i'm not drinking and

155
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 the longer i drink the worse it gets and the trouble with my life and most of the people in

156
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 here is that i kept coming to i kept having to wake up and do that stuff again and again and again

157
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 knowing that it's always going to be the same yet i don't have the power not to oh i have i have sworn

158
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 off forever many a day i can't do it today i can't do it today it's my grandfather's funeral i can't

159
00:14:37,360 --> 00:14:43,840
 do it today i got a court day i can't do it today and you pound on that little floor that motel or

160
00:14:43,840 --> 00:14:48,720
 in that alley and by 11 o'clock in the afternoon you're at eddie's liquor store looking for that

161
00:14:48,720 --> 00:14:54,240
 half pint of 10 high how do you make that go away i lack the power now my daddy was a happy drunk my

162
00:14:54,240 --> 00:14:58,960
 dad was a happy singing the blues nat king cole bobbie darren drunk my old man used to get drunk

163
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 and snooped and sneak into his own house he was a window climbing alky which i believe is a lost

164
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 art in alcoholics anonymous that old fart standing on that gas meter pounding on that window all

165
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 night getting ready to make the magic dive you know over the toilet or the sink you know hoping

166
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 that it's his own home right but he was a refinery worker and he was always coming home at different

167
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 hours and he was a happy drunk man i knew he found something when he was drinking because he was a

168
00:15:25,760 --> 00:15:30,720
 son of a gun when he was sober every he was tossing everybody around you know what i mean

169
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 the only time he would talk to me was when he's kicking the shit out of me you know you son of a

170
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 you know he just and uh i just couldn't trust the people i was man my old man got drunk and

171
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 he snuck into my bedroom window one night and that big old boot comes down on my chest i grabbed that

172
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 boot and i said dad i said you know why don't you have mom make you a set of keys i mean shit she's

173
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 up anyway you know i mean i can't i can hear the hoover going now man just ask her you know she'll

174
00:15:58,160 --> 00:16:03,520
 do it she'll make it with her teeth who knows man you know get out of my window man you know

175
00:16:04,160 --> 00:16:10,000
 coming in through there scaring me half to death and i'm you know i'm i can't sleep anyway you

176
00:16:10,000 --> 00:16:15,680
 know ever since i was five years old i can't sleep my dad come into my bedroom one night through the

177
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 door this time you know he said guess what son you're gonna have a baby brother yeah yeah he

178
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 says your mom's gonna have a baby here in nine months you're gonna have a baby brother man i go

179
00:16:24,480 --> 00:16:29,680
 this is great i start saving up my baseball cards oiling up my gloves thinking about me and that kid

180
00:16:29,680 --> 00:16:34,960
 brother going to the drag races and the beaches and you know beating up my sisters and shit you

181
00:16:34,960 --> 00:16:40,080
 know and it was gonna be great i start planning right nine months later my dad comes into that

182
00:16:40,080 --> 00:16:45,280
 same bedroom he says your baby brother died your mom had it at the hospital she's okay but your

183
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 baby brother died and i did what i always did when i couldn't understand anything i got mad at it

184
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 i ran after the old man with all 80 pounds yelling and screaming and swinging you promised me and

185
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 blame my father for something he was totally powerless over now let me tell you about the

186
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 magic of these amends i hated that man for something he had nothing to do with and i

187
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 introduced my mom and dad to a level of living they never knew existed and here they would work

188
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 in two jobs to provide a life so that their sons and daughters wouldn't have to live like he had to

189
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 live in the depression in world war ii in the streets of detroit and here i sit in that house

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 with my sense of entitlement that because i'm somebody's son i deserve all the riches and i

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 don't need to lift a finger this would be a defective character that follows me into the

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 rooms of alcoholics anonymous that just because i'm sitting in a meeting i don't have to do these

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 things that you're getting the peace of mind for i can pretend for an hour and a half there's work

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 to be done here for people like me thank god for that and i would be making these amends when i'm

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 about 35 years old to my father and i sat him down and i told him about that situation and some other

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 ones and my dad was a world war ii vet his ship went down in world war ii was sunken midway his

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 father hung himself when or choked on his tongue when he was 13 his mother hung herself in a detroit

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 jail and his only dream was to marry my mom and bring her out to california he loved my mom

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 sweetly and i started telling him about this and he says i understand son he says but give me a

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 couple minutes he says i want to tell you about my life he says i've seen a lot of things and i've

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 seen a lot of blood and i've been in a lot of tragedies and he says i want to tell you about

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 the hardest day of my life larry the hardest day of my life bar none was the day we lost your baby

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 brother he said because for nine months i watched you live a dream i watched you save your little

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 baseball cards and i thought you line up all your motel trucks and stuff like that and he says the

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 hardest thing for me to do was to know that i was going to have to walk down that hallway and tell

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 you that your dream was a nightmare he says i would have hated me too but i cried too and he

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 says on that day i believe my god cried too son he says i want you to know about a power greater

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 than yourself he says where i come from god don't take people he receives them he's a receiver

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 how about that the old man told me that you know but i'm 11 years old i'm running away from home

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 i don't fit in i'm supposed to be loving these folks and i don't trust them and more important

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 than that is what that little death did to my head about this thing called god what type of

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 god would create a baby and kill it i don't want nothing to do with religion spiritualities jesus

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 johova i don't care what their nicknames are i want nothing to do with it it's up to me to figure

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 this stuff out i can't take my problems to my mom and dad they're busy doing their craziness

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 i can't trust them but i love them but i'm ashamed of them i can't trust this god i know it's up to

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 me to figure this stuff out and i started running my own life and making decisions based on self

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 as a little kid 11 years old there's four of us and i know i'm a nobody i'm a loser you hear it

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 enough you begin to believe it and 11 years old there was four of us across the street and we

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 started passing around a bottle of four rows whiskey and for the first time in my life this

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 little nobody became a somebody it turned howdy doody into james dean and three drinks it was

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 magic man i tell you i would much rather be a part-time somebody than an all-time loser nobody

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 and man i never you know after i threw up and stuff like that never laughed so hard my entire

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 life took a shot of that four rows whiskey and we drank the rest of it i never threw up so much

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 as i did that day and i remember that evening i kissed my first latin woman there she is right

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 there and it was my aunt my auntie della she was 46 years old man i said how'd you like an 11 year

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 old hunk you know what i mean oh god boy that made my uncle a little edgy right and i didn't

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 head out to skid row the next day and lose my paper out and run to the elano club you know

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 but i did like a lot of us did i marked that spot i knew i found something special and i didn't have

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 to lift a finger i didn't have to study i didn't have to have a plan of what i'm going to do when

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 i go to college it was the answer to this loser all i had to do is take a shot of four rows whiskey

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 man and i'm living a dream and i have lived in a dream my entire life the book calls it delusion

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 one kid out here when i got here he says how you doing he says i'm living a dream i said well

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 that's your problem come over here and live in reality kid it ain't that bad you know what i

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 mean and uh and that you know like i said i didn't head off the skid row the next day or anything

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 like that but the older i got the more i leaned on it and the old man had it all over the garage

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 and everything like that and i become preoccupied with that stuff and at an early age and by the

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 time i get into high school my freshman in high school and some of the kids are grabbing their

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 locker rooms and they're going to their locker rooms and getting their books and pencils and

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 going to their science classes and stuff and i'm going to my locker to get some thunderbird wine

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 and maybe some barbiturates right i started dating this little mexican girl and she had some brothers

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 and they like cars and i love cars to this day and you know we didn't have these dodge trucks

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 like you guys have out here with these tires this big to drive over each other's houses with and

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 shit you know but i did have a 64 chevy dropped right down to the ground i had my hair slicked

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 back my white t-shirts and my black khaki pants that came up to here my frisco pants right and

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 we'd drive around and drink that thunderbird wine and eat those reds and listen to the four tops and

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 the temptations and the ojs and the impressions and junior walker and god i loved it man i was

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 in my plumbing truck not too long ago when the four tops came on shit i just started sinking in

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 my damn truck man i had a little mexican girlfriend named loopy and her sisters would curl her hair

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 with soup cans and the noodles were stuck in there you know and and we'd drive around and you know

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 drinking that thunderbird wine and with our frowns on bouncing around all night you know and

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 her sisters would tell her that you know men who are well endowed had big feet so i went out and

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 got me a pair of 15-inch shoes right had my big hair my big feet man driving around like that you

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 know shit i loved it man and uh and ricky tripped over my foot tonight and i felt proud you know to

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 watch out man that's a 1918 foot yeah yeah and i loved it and i became somebody

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 i would no longer was that little loser down the street or betty and bob's little goofy kid in my

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 own head i became lawrence of torrance you know and nobody else knew that but i knew that and

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 that's all that counts that i became somebody man and i had a little group of somebodies and

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 we did those little things that we do and rob houses and just i had a ball and i knew me and

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 pooch and loopy were gonna bounce off into the sunset man and uh you know as time goes on you

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 know people are going different places during the war and 69 and stuff like that and i grabbed my

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 buddy and i said well i'm gonna head out to detroit and find my roots right so we drove from gardena

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 to detroit and i wound up in phoenix i never made it to detroit man over there phoenix at north

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 central and roosevelt at the apache hotel right five floors high everybody's got a bathroom it's

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 down the hall everybody has a tv it's in the lobby 35 bucks a week i'm running out of dough to make

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 my rent i'm afraid to leave my little motel room during the day i'm afraid to be by myself at night

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 i find a friendly place across the street called the wagon wheel bar it has no windows just a dirty

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 curtain blown through the and you know i started hanging out at the wagon wheel and the wagon wheel

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 had a guy in there named ernie and every bar has an ernie ernie is the answer man man you know and

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 he had an answer to my problem and he had a couple answers you know and one of them was that you know

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 he said uh there's a horse track not too far from here we're gonna get you down to 95 pounds you're

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 gonna be a jockey i thought great now i can start working out and you know getting healthy again

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 right you said well i don't know about that he says but i need you to take this stuff and in

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 two months we're gonna go weigh you in and he says i have a feeling we can get you down to 95 pounds

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 he says i need you to take this stuff and i don't know what this stuff is you know i guess it was

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 some kind of speed or something and i don't do speed i just drink cheap wine and do heroin and

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 mind my own business you know certainly not going to be no afghan maker that's for damn sure you

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 know he says well i don't know about that son but all i need you to do is take the stuff and i'll

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 come back in two months and weigh you in and he took off and he lived left me in that little room

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 with that stuff you know and he took off well he comes back two weeks later right opens up the door

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 and i'm opens up the door and i'm standing right there and he says what's wrong with you well you

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 know i've been taking that stuff and all i can do is i've been chasing around a fly in my room for

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 two weeks and looking out the windows every 10 seconds going what's that what's that what's that

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 what's that what's that you know or i'm hiding underneath the bed because i'm i'm scared to death

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 of these black and white flashes that keep happening and it was the sun going up and down

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 you know oh my god it's got a face on it you know and just he says well my god you know and he opens

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 up he says you couldn't have possibly taken all well i did ernie you can put a saddle on me and

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 ride me around here you know went back to the wagon wheel and i start working for another

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 plumber right i started working for this plumber for about two hours and i find out that the guy

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 is younger than me well i got my pride i'm not working for no kid so i did what any honorable

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 man would do i faked a knee injury and they took me to the county hospital and the doctor writes

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 me a prescription for percodan and then he leaves there and uh he he left a uh a cardboard box full

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 of blank prescription pads he wanted me to have but shit i grabbed that box man i'm running down

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 north central you know ducking to the old wagon wheel ernie sees these things i'm like this is

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 great this is great he makes a phone call to some guy in yuma arizona and hell we start writing

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 prescriptions and selling them we start writing prescriptions for second all and two and all and

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 nembutal and obitrol you name it all we wrote it all man you know and and damn near took it all too

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 you know and after about nine months they caught up with me and there's none of this shit like on

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 channel five there he goes down the 405 look at him you know none of that was happening i was

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 going nine miles an hour and the cop was on foot he was just hey hey open up that window and i'm

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 looking at this guy and go my god could this man run you know he threw me out of there they threw

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 me in jail for about a year and i come got out of there and they sent me back to california and in 1973

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 i register at the city hall and my probation officer puts me on an abuse and for the first

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 time in my life since i'm 13 i don't have a thing in my system just this an abuse after about two

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 months uh i went crazy they find me in a little league dugout waiting for a job interview crying

305
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 like a baby and laughing like a clown crying like a baby laughing like a clown and this is going on

306
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 for hours and then that paranoia and hallucinations that used to float by is now stuck and okay and

307
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 they said that it becomes somewhat catatonic and somebody sees me milling around there and they

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 send the old ambulance after me and they take me to the harbor general hospital and in uh 1974 they

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 got me down on a on a gurney with an arm and a legs trapped down and the doctor came over to me

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 one more time said son by the way you've been living for the past three or four years we need

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 to put you in a state hospital for about 30 days 60 days and observe you and they took me in a bus

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 and drove me over the hill to this little place out by oxnard where they were going to observe

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 me for 30 or 60 days and a year later they let me out and they gave me medications to take but

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 there's something you can't medicate away in the mind of an alcoholic and that is this thought this

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 time it's going to be different you got this larry you got this i ran out of thorazine after two

316
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 months they find me in alvaro street i'm over there across the street at the chevron gas station

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 on a pile of tires and i'm not over there vaping you know what i mean you know doing my lotto rub

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 off you know what i mean no homies homies tucked into the old tire man you know trying to get some

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 rest because that's what we do there is no line we don't cross for a drink there's nothing we

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 don't do and we just keep waking up and having to do it and they come and arrest me and they arrest

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 me on a public nuisance out of state forgeries they send me up the wayside for a couple months

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 for three and a half year in a state penitentiary and after three months they send me down to the

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 south bay courthouse in torrance california i'm in a holding tank about twice this size and with

324
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 these guys that i was on the chain with and one by one they're all being called out and at four

325
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 o'clock in the afternoon i'm the only one left i'm on a concrete floor with a von's bag and no hope

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 wondering where they're going to send me now and at four o'clock in the afternoon a scottish man

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 with a patch opened up a jail door eyelad got a patch on eyelad are you laddie thomas i said yes

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 there i am he says that's great he says my name is alex we're going to aa and i thought aa i've

329
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 heard of or and po but what's aa you know and who's this scottish pirate all of a sudden you

330
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 know i've been hallucinating so much i didn't know if he was real or not you know you know however

331
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 looking well back over 40 some years i know exactly what he is because this room is sprinkled

332
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 with him some of my dearest friends is what my book calls a trusted servant and what made that

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 man a trusted servant was simply this he had no business being there he had no business being

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 there i drove a long way i'm getting three more minutes kid lake balboa i'll be done in a minute

335
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 i i've got them right on the edge of their seats hang on he had no business being there and he

336
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 wasn't a counselor and he wasn't a probation officer he was a refinery worker who just got

337
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 the worst news of his life and that news was that his wife was dying immediately of a terminal

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 illness and he knew she was in good hands but he knew he wasn't somewhere in his meetings in

339
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 lake cochino somewhere in his meetings in bellflower california somewhere in his meetings

340
00:30:50,480 --> 00:30:56,080
 in pocoima somewhere in his meetings in long beach he would sit with you folks in that book

341
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 and grasp and develop a manner of living that ingrained in him this that practical experience

342
00:31:01,280 --> 00:31:07,200
 tells us that nothing will ensure immunity from drinking but intensive work with other alcoholics

343
00:31:07,200 --> 00:31:11,360
 he didn't think of milk and whiskey it had been removed just like bill wilson in the town's

344
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 hospital it happened to him suddenly ebi came over to his bedside and bill had this profound

345
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 experience one that i was mad that i couldn't have and yet at five years sober i would sit

346
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 with you folks and discover that two paragraphs down bill said to him still still laying in that

347
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 peace-telling bed the thought came to him that maybe he could work with other alcoholics there

348
00:31:33,840 --> 00:31:38,800
 wasn't even an aa yet the thought came to him that maybe he could work with others i believe for me

349
00:31:38,800 --> 00:31:44,960
 and you our singleness of purpose was hatched that afternoon my primary purpose if you will

350
00:31:44,960 --> 00:31:51,440
 was hatched that afternoon and maybe just maybe what happened to bill suddenly he's hoping will

351
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 happen to me and you gradually but the end game is the same we're carrying this message that's our

352
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 primary purpose that's what's in that channel lord make me a channel what do you think's in that

353
00:32:03,120 --> 00:32:09,040
 channel your experience strength and hope and for people like me and you who have been haunted by

354
00:32:09,040 --> 00:32:15,280
 our past our saving grace here is our past is our greatest asset you don't have to hang yourself

355
00:32:15,280 --> 00:32:20,560
 over those nightmares there's somebody you're going to sponsor who will need to hear your

356
00:32:20,560 --> 00:32:25,600
 experience and how you stayed sober there's a miracle here that chapter working with others

357
00:32:25,600 --> 00:32:30,960
 you can rename it who's helping who you see this picture you remember bill in the mayflower you

358
00:32:30,960 --> 00:32:36,560
 remember bill and bob at the cyberling guesthouse you remember that first man you sponsor who was

359
00:32:36,560 --> 00:32:42,000
 helping who you guys are bringing me something every time i lay eyes on you i ain't talking down

360
00:32:42,000 --> 00:32:47,600
 to nobody i'm doing that thing that they want us to do work with i'm with you man i'm with you all

361
00:32:47,600 --> 00:32:52,320
 the way and like i said on this 12-step call a couple months ago when i left this young man in

362
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 the bed i came back to him i told him i am no better than you i am no better than you and i

363
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 and I hope if you're new, you stay.

364
00:32:59,360 --> 00:33:00,200
 Thank you so much.