1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,100 - Hi, my name is Kim and I am an alcoholic. 2 00:00:02,100 --> 00:00:04,080 I love that I can hide behind this thing. 3 00:00:04,080 --> 00:00:07,280 Like it really, it's like I can talk like this. 4 00:00:07,280 --> 00:00:08,900 I don't feel so exposed for some reason. 5 00:00:08,900 --> 00:00:10,160 Sometimes you stand in front of the room 6 00:00:10,160 --> 00:00:11,880 and there's like a podium and you're like, 7 00:00:11,880 --> 00:00:12,800 you feel very exposed. 8 00:00:12,800 --> 00:00:14,360 This one I feel like I can really hide behind. 9 00:00:14,360 --> 00:00:15,360 So thank you for that. 10 00:00:15,360 --> 00:00:18,840 Deep breath. 11 00:00:18,840 --> 00:00:20,700 I knew I was gonna take this off as soon as I got up here 12 00:00:20,700 --> 00:00:23,840 because I got a flash from the nerves. 13 00:00:23,840 --> 00:00:24,680 Thank you. 14 00:00:24,680 --> 00:00:29,000 Yeah, thank you for asking me to come out 15 00:00:29,000 --> 00:00:31,120 and share my experience, strength, and hope. 16 00:00:31,120 --> 00:00:37,480 And letting me participate in my sobriety and welcome. 17 00:00:37,480 --> 00:00:41,160 I, this is still really weird. 18 00:00:41,160 --> 00:00:42,040 Okay, there I go. 19 00:00:42,040 --> 00:00:44,460 I have a sobriety date. 20 00:00:44,460 --> 00:00:49,160 February 24th, 2008. 21 00:00:49,160 --> 00:00:53,160 I have a sponsor and she knows she's my sponsor. 22 00:00:53,160 --> 00:00:55,320 And I say that because I've heard that somewhere 23 00:00:55,320 --> 00:00:57,240 and I was like, oh, that's a really, you know, 24 00:00:57,240 --> 00:00:58,560 it's a good thing that your sponsor knows 25 00:00:58,560 --> 00:01:00,400 that she's sponsoring you. 26 00:01:00,400 --> 00:01:01,720 And my sponsor has a sponsor, 27 00:01:01,720 --> 00:01:03,880 which I think is really important too. 28 00:01:03,880 --> 00:01:05,720 I grew up in Pennsylvania. 29 00:01:05,720 --> 00:01:07,080 I'm an East Coast girl 30 00:01:07,080 --> 00:01:12,080 and I definitely was raised in an alcoholic home. 31 00:01:12,080 --> 00:01:15,520 Both of my parents loved to drink and party, 32 00:01:15,520 --> 00:01:17,000 but I didn't, like growing up, 33 00:01:17,000 --> 00:01:18,520 I didn't know it was an alcoholic home. 34 00:01:18,520 --> 00:01:20,640 Like I just thought this was how people live. 35 00:01:20,640 --> 00:01:24,320 You know, my dad drank every single day, 36 00:01:24,320 --> 00:01:25,720 every night when he got home. 37 00:01:25,720 --> 00:01:29,000 Still to this day, he has a rotor. 38 00:01:29,000 --> 00:01:31,000 Get in the car from work and he has a rotor. 39 00:01:31,000 --> 00:01:32,100 Whenever he gets in his car, 40 00:01:32,100 --> 00:01:33,560 he has a beer between his legs. 41 00:01:33,560 --> 00:01:34,400 It's a rotor. 42 00:01:34,400 --> 00:01:36,040 I mean, it's just something that he does. 43 00:01:36,040 --> 00:01:38,600 Rotor, oh, is that an East Coast thing? 44 00:01:38,600 --> 00:01:39,440 I don't know. 45 00:01:39,440 --> 00:01:40,260 Yeah, it was a rotor. 46 00:01:40,260 --> 00:01:42,600 Like he went, he didn't go anywhere without a rotor. 47 00:01:42,600 --> 00:01:45,040 Still doesn't, it's so weird to me. 48 00:01:45,040 --> 00:01:48,760 Anyway, I did not know that my dad was an alcoholic 49 00:01:48,760 --> 00:01:51,200 and I did not know that I was living in dysfunction. 50 00:01:51,200 --> 00:01:53,400 But you know, now with, 51 00:01:53,400 --> 00:01:56,400 after reading the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous, 52 00:01:56,400 --> 00:01:58,640 when I read the doctor's opinion, 53 00:01:58,640 --> 00:02:01,040 I was like, oh wow, yeah, that's alcoholism. 54 00:02:01,040 --> 00:02:04,000 And I did not believe I was an alcoholic 55 00:02:04,000 --> 00:02:05,480 because I didn't drink like my dad 56 00:02:05,480 --> 00:02:09,840 or drink like really anybody that I was related to, you know. 57 00:02:09,840 --> 00:02:12,800 My dad drank every night and he drank and got really wasted 58 00:02:12,800 --> 00:02:15,160 and my mom and dad would fight viciously. 59 00:02:15,160 --> 00:02:19,080 And growing up, I didn't meet my dad till I was seven. 60 00:02:19,080 --> 00:02:20,680 My parents did not get together. 61 00:02:20,680 --> 00:02:22,160 They weren't allowed to be together. 62 00:02:22,160 --> 00:02:25,280 So my dad's family kind of shipped him off 63 00:02:25,280 --> 00:02:29,920 and my mom had me and she had another baby by him 64 00:02:29,920 --> 00:02:32,140 and he was put up for adoption. 65 00:02:32,140 --> 00:02:34,620 So I met my dad when I was seven 66 00:02:34,620 --> 00:02:39,620 and I'm finding out now that I had a sister 67 00:02:39,620 --> 00:02:42,880 that was put up for adoption that I didn't know at the time 68 00:02:42,880 --> 00:02:44,120 until about two years ago. 69 00:02:44,120 --> 00:02:46,920 So I share this with you because all of these things 70 00:02:46,920 --> 00:02:49,920 I'm finding out in sobriety and it's so crazy to me 71 00:02:49,920 --> 00:02:52,240 because I thought I had a really close relationship 72 00:02:52,240 --> 00:02:53,920 with my mom and I probably did. 73 00:02:53,920 --> 00:02:56,220 I mean, I'm not saying that this information 74 00:02:56,220 --> 00:02:58,580 makes me not have a good relationship with my mom, 75 00:02:58,580 --> 00:03:00,220 but I felt like she was my best friend. 76 00:03:00,220 --> 00:03:02,280 She was my drinking buddy. 77 00:03:02,280 --> 00:03:03,880 I told her everything. 78 00:03:03,880 --> 00:03:05,740 I thought she told me everything. 79 00:03:05,740 --> 00:03:09,560 And she did, as I come to understand now, 80 00:03:09,560 --> 00:03:13,360 the more sober that I am, she did the best she could do 81 00:03:13,360 --> 00:03:15,840 with the tools she had, right? 82 00:03:15,840 --> 00:03:18,640 Like, and I respect her so much for that, 83 00:03:18,640 --> 00:03:22,840 for keeping me and I wanna thank the both of you 84 00:03:22,840 --> 00:03:25,760 for your stories, for your shares. 85 00:03:25,760 --> 00:03:27,920 I related a lot to them. 86 00:03:27,920 --> 00:03:29,720 I think I drank pretty normally. 87 00:03:29,720 --> 00:03:32,700 Like I went to keg parties on the weekends. 88 00:03:32,700 --> 00:03:34,700 I was a gymnast and a cheerleader. 89 00:03:34,700 --> 00:03:38,160 So I kind of lived that double life of partied 90 00:03:38,160 --> 00:03:42,400 at keg parties and then I still went to gymnastics 91 00:03:42,400 --> 00:03:44,320 and I competed in gymnastics. 92 00:03:44,320 --> 00:03:47,040 And it wasn't until my senior year that my coach said 93 00:03:47,040 --> 00:03:50,280 to me, could you please not drink this coming weekend 94 00:03:50,280 --> 00:03:51,960 because you reek of alcohol? 95 00:03:51,960 --> 00:03:53,920 And I was like, oh yeah, sure, I won't. 96 00:03:53,920 --> 00:03:55,040 No worries, no worries. 97 00:03:55,040 --> 00:03:57,480 But you know, looking back on that, 98 00:03:57,480 --> 00:04:01,480 I don't think that's something that a high school coach 99 00:04:01,480 --> 00:04:06,480 should probably be saying to her 16 or 17 year old gymnast. 100 00:04:06,480 --> 00:04:08,240 Looking back on that now. 101 00:04:08,240 --> 00:04:12,980 Anyway, I'm gonna pause for a minute 102 00:04:12,980 --> 00:04:14,880 and just take a deep breath because. 103 00:04:15,960 --> 00:04:18,700 So I thought I was drinking pretty normally. 104 00:04:18,700 --> 00:04:21,560 However, I did have an older boyfriend 105 00:04:21,560 --> 00:04:24,640 that I think the first time I ever drank, 106 00:04:24,640 --> 00:04:26,560 the first time I ever got drunk was actually the first time 107 00:04:26,560 --> 00:04:28,340 I ever drank and I blacked out. 108 00:04:28,340 --> 00:04:30,660 So that might be a clue that I would be an alcoholic. 109 00:04:30,660 --> 00:04:35,660 Not to me then, but now like duh, who drinks and blacks out 110 00:04:35,660 --> 00:04:38,500 and then continues to live like that the rest of their life? 111 00:04:38,500 --> 00:04:42,280 I mean, it's kind of baffling to me now thinking about it. 112 00:04:42,280 --> 00:04:44,200 But I didn't drink like that my whole life. 113 00:04:44,200 --> 00:04:46,640 Like there were periods of time that I controlled 114 00:04:46,640 --> 00:04:47,760 and enjoyed my drinking. 115 00:04:47,760 --> 00:04:51,000 It wasn't something that like I drank from high school 116 00:04:51,000 --> 00:04:53,100 until, you know, I decided to get sober. 117 00:04:53,100 --> 00:04:57,660 I mean, I went, I had a job, I got married. 118 00:04:57,660 --> 00:05:00,160 I have had a child. 119 00:05:00,160 --> 00:05:02,140 We moved out here from Pennsylvania. 120 00:05:02,140 --> 00:05:04,280 I moved out here from, I'm sorry, from Florida. 121 00:05:04,280 --> 00:05:06,300 I met my husband in Florida. 122 00:05:06,300 --> 00:05:09,000 We lived in Florida for 15 years before moving out here. 123 00:05:09,000 --> 00:05:10,280 But I met my husband in Florida. 124 00:05:10,280 --> 00:05:12,560 I was a hairdresser, I did his hair. 125 00:05:12,560 --> 00:05:15,000 And, you know, I just thought it was normal. 126 00:05:15,000 --> 00:05:16,200 We would go out every weekend. 127 00:05:16,200 --> 00:05:17,780 I was probably one of the only girls 128 00:05:17,780 --> 00:05:19,340 that went out with all of his guy friends 129 00:05:19,340 --> 00:05:21,400 and we would party every weekend. 130 00:05:21,400 --> 00:05:23,860 I mean, I didn't think that was a big deal, right? 131 00:05:23,860 --> 00:05:25,200 I was the only girl, which I don't, 132 00:05:25,200 --> 00:05:27,160 I mean, looking back on it now, I don't know. 133 00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:29,700 I just felt like that was okay too. 134 00:05:29,700 --> 00:05:33,620 And I guess I didn't black out every time I drank, 135 00:05:33,620 --> 00:05:35,080 but most of the time I did. 136 00:05:35,080 --> 00:05:36,920 And it was never an issue. 137 00:05:36,920 --> 00:05:39,720 Like I didn't think it was at the time. 138 00:05:39,720 --> 00:05:43,440 Looking back on it, the day we got married, 139 00:05:43,440 --> 00:05:45,880 I was so nervous and I just did not want 140 00:05:45,880 --> 00:05:49,040 to walk down the aisle and be a blubbering idiot 141 00:05:49,040 --> 00:05:51,440 standing up there saying my vows to my husband. 142 00:05:51,440 --> 00:05:53,960 So my friend was like, "You should take a Valium." 143 00:05:53,960 --> 00:05:55,160 And I'm like, "Well, I don't wanna take one 144 00:05:55,160 --> 00:05:56,440 the day of my wedding. 145 00:05:56,440 --> 00:05:57,840 Let me try one the day before, 146 00:05:57,840 --> 00:06:00,200 because I wanna know what I'm gonna feel like. 147 00:06:00,200 --> 00:06:02,400 Like, I don't wanna just pop something 148 00:06:02,400 --> 00:06:03,560 and not know what I'm gonna feel like." 149 00:06:03,560 --> 00:06:05,840 So I took that Valium the day before. 150 00:06:05,840 --> 00:06:08,100 I know this is a medium alcoholics anonymous. 151 00:06:08,100 --> 00:06:09,680 Drugs are a part of my story. 152 00:06:09,680 --> 00:06:13,560 However, I absolutely, my drug of choice is alcohol. 153 00:06:13,560 --> 00:06:16,520 It's the easier, softer way for me. 154 00:06:16,520 --> 00:06:20,720 But this Valium was like, I really liked how quickly 155 00:06:20,720 --> 00:06:23,640 and without having the breath, 156 00:06:23,640 --> 00:06:25,560 like the smell of alcohol on my breath, 157 00:06:25,560 --> 00:06:27,480 I loved how it made me feel. 158 00:06:27,480 --> 00:06:30,040 Like it just literally, it was like that glass of wine 159 00:06:30,040 --> 00:06:31,360 without the glass of wine. 160 00:06:31,360 --> 00:06:34,360 And my shoulder just went from like being like this to, 161 00:06:34,360 --> 00:06:35,960 and I like walked down the aisle. 162 00:06:35,960 --> 00:06:36,920 It was on the sand. 163 00:06:36,920 --> 00:06:39,340 And I just remember thinking, "Oh yeah, I like this." 164 00:06:39,340 --> 00:06:42,040 And then of course I drank and drank and drank and drank 165 00:06:42,040 --> 00:06:43,320 after that, because I mean, 166 00:06:43,320 --> 00:06:45,080 I didn't take the Valium to like get messed up. 167 00:06:45,080 --> 00:06:46,560 I just wanted to chill out, right? 168 00:06:46,560 --> 00:06:49,380 Drank so much on my wedding night. 169 00:06:49,380 --> 00:06:51,880 All of my friends stayed up all night long. 170 00:06:51,880 --> 00:06:53,920 My family too. 171 00:06:53,920 --> 00:06:57,800 We slept out on a beach chair on the ocean. 172 00:06:57,800 --> 00:07:00,120 My husband and I woke up in the middle of the night 173 00:07:00,120 --> 00:07:02,400 and it was like, you know, all dewy, misty. 174 00:07:02,400 --> 00:07:03,320 This is in Florida. 175 00:07:03,320 --> 00:07:04,680 And I just thought, "Oh, this is normal." 176 00:07:04,680 --> 00:07:07,800 And he left the next day to come out to California. 177 00:07:07,800 --> 00:07:12,200 And he gave me two days of his life for our wedding 178 00:07:12,200 --> 00:07:15,680 because he was working and he was working on a show 179 00:07:15,680 --> 00:07:17,800 in Florida and then he was coming out here 180 00:07:17,800 --> 00:07:19,340 to start a new show. 181 00:07:19,340 --> 00:07:22,120 And I, again, thought nothing of it, no big deal. 182 00:07:22,120 --> 00:07:27,120 But it's interesting how we pick our partners that, 183 00:07:27,120 --> 00:07:30,760 like he's not always there and he's still not always there. 184 00:07:30,760 --> 00:07:34,380 And it works for our, it works for us. 185 00:07:34,380 --> 00:07:38,080 But it's interesting how even back then, 186 00:07:38,080 --> 00:07:39,820 like it wasn't apparent to me that, 187 00:07:39,820 --> 00:07:41,600 "Oh, he's not gonna be around. 188 00:07:41,600 --> 00:07:42,980 And that's gonna be a great marriage 189 00:07:42,980 --> 00:07:44,220 because he's not gonna be there. 190 00:07:44,220 --> 00:07:46,080 And I'm gonna be able to drink and do what I want, 191 00:07:46,080 --> 00:07:47,920 when I want, how much I want. 192 00:07:47,920 --> 00:07:49,240 And he's not gonna even know." 193 00:07:49,240 --> 00:07:51,280 So we continued to live like that. 194 00:07:51,280 --> 00:07:55,720 We moved out here when I was pregnant, 195 00:07:55,720 --> 00:07:57,840 six months with our son. 196 00:07:57,840 --> 00:08:02,440 And I think that's really when my drinking career kicked in 197 00:08:02,440 --> 00:08:04,520 because my family lived in Florida. 198 00:08:04,520 --> 00:08:06,080 I was really close to my mom and dad. 199 00:08:06,080 --> 00:08:08,800 And I lived like within minutes of walking to them. 200 00:08:08,800 --> 00:08:13,600 And we moved out here and my husband went straight to work, 201 00:08:13,600 --> 00:08:16,560 you know, 14 hour days and I was lonely. 202 00:08:16,560 --> 00:08:21,560 And I felt isolated and I couldn't wait 203 00:08:21,560 --> 00:08:25,560 for him to leave for work so that I could drink. 204 00:08:25,560 --> 00:08:28,040 Alcohol was my best friend. 205 00:08:28,040 --> 00:08:30,360 It was like, it just did for me 206 00:08:30,360 --> 00:08:31,700 what I could not do for myself. 207 00:08:31,700 --> 00:08:33,760 Like it just, it was, I took a sip 208 00:08:33,760 --> 00:08:35,600 and I drank and drank and drank 209 00:08:35,600 --> 00:08:38,240 and he would come home and be kind of disgusted with me 210 00:08:38,240 --> 00:08:39,880 because I guess I'd be really wasted 211 00:08:39,880 --> 00:08:43,160 or passed out or incoherent or whatever. 212 00:08:43,160 --> 00:08:44,880 And you know, for a few years, 213 00:08:44,880 --> 00:08:46,200 he never said anything to me about it. 214 00:08:46,200 --> 00:08:47,360 At least my recollection, 215 00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:48,520 he never said anything to me about it. 216 00:08:48,520 --> 00:08:53,520 And that's when my, like I drank every single day, 217 00:08:53,520 --> 00:08:58,640 every weekend, I would put my son to sleep and just drink. 218 00:08:59,600 --> 00:09:02,920 That was my life, drinking, sleeping, eating, drinking. 219 00:09:02,920 --> 00:09:05,060 I mean, it was just kind of pathetic. 220 00:09:05,060 --> 00:09:11,080 Then my next little, my next little level of alcoholism 221 00:09:11,080 --> 00:09:14,720 really kicked in when my mom died. 222 00:09:14,720 --> 00:09:19,720 And I really related to what was shared earlier. 223 00:09:19,720 --> 00:09:24,220 I was in so much pain physically, mentally, 224 00:09:24,220 --> 00:09:29,220 obviously spiritually that all that I could do was drink 225 00:09:29,440 --> 00:09:33,080 and take pills to numb my feelings. 226 00:09:33,080 --> 00:09:34,560 I didn't want to feel anything. 227 00:09:34,560 --> 00:09:36,800 I did not want to feel good, bad. 228 00:09:36,800 --> 00:09:38,600 I didn't want to feel my toe hurt. 229 00:09:38,600 --> 00:09:39,860 I, you know, I didn't want to, 230 00:09:39,860 --> 00:09:41,880 if I had a headache, no matter what. 231 00:09:41,880 --> 00:09:46,480 So for me, I just drank to oblivion every single day. 232 00:09:46,480 --> 00:09:51,480 And I was in a car accident 233 00:09:51,480 --> 00:09:54,380 and I really don't remember it 234 00:09:54,380 --> 00:09:57,680 other than I was sitting there and when I came to, 235 00:09:57,680 --> 00:10:00,840 I saw the flashing lights behind me in my car 236 00:10:00,840 --> 00:10:01,760 and I was just sitting there 237 00:10:01,760 --> 00:10:03,880 and I remember I had a coffee cup 238 00:10:03,880 --> 00:10:06,240 'cause it was like 11 o'clock in the morning. 239 00:10:06,240 --> 00:10:08,360 I had just dropped off our son at school 240 00:10:08,360 --> 00:10:10,300 and my coffee went all over the dash. 241 00:10:10,300 --> 00:10:14,280 And I was like, oh wow, I guess those fire trucks 242 00:10:14,280 --> 00:10:15,920 and police are here for me. 243 00:10:15,920 --> 00:10:18,400 And I'm like, oh wow, yeah, I'm in a, 244 00:10:18,400 --> 00:10:20,840 I was in a car accident on Ventura Boulevard, 245 00:10:20,840 --> 00:10:23,420 right in front of this yellow balloon kid's 246 00:10:23,420 --> 00:10:28,420 hair cutting place and I do not remember calling AAA. 247 00:10:28,420 --> 00:10:31,600 I don't remember, I don't remember anything. 248 00:10:31,600 --> 00:10:34,760 The next thing that I remember is being at home 249 00:10:34,760 --> 00:10:36,560 and locking myself in my room. 250 00:10:36,560 --> 00:10:40,440 And I don't know how I managed to get ahold of someone 251 00:10:40,440 --> 00:10:44,080 to pick up our son from school, bring him home. 252 00:10:44,080 --> 00:10:45,440 I locked myself in the bedroom. 253 00:10:45,440 --> 00:10:46,760 I wouldn't let my husband in. 254 00:10:46,760 --> 00:10:50,200 I was just, I was just so embarrassed 255 00:10:50,200 --> 00:10:53,160 that I had just wrecked, totaled our car. 256 00:10:53,160 --> 00:10:56,280 And it was minutes after I had dropped off my son at school 257 00:10:56,280 --> 00:10:58,920 and I was like, waking up out of that, 258 00:10:58,920 --> 00:11:00,940 I was so disgusted with myself, 259 00:11:00,940 --> 00:11:03,840 but not disgusted of course enough to stop drinking then. 260 00:11:03,840 --> 00:11:07,840 So, you know, that's just how I drank. 261 00:11:07,840 --> 00:11:11,600 I drank to blot out my feelings, I guess. 262 00:11:11,600 --> 00:11:15,040 I mean, yeah, I just drank to cover up things. 263 00:11:15,040 --> 00:11:18,080 I'm just trying to kind of qualify as an alcoholic 264 00:11:18,080 --> 00:11:23,000 that like I drank like maybe some of you did, I don't know. 265 00:11:23,000 --> 00:11:27,040 Another memory that I have of my drinking 266 00:11:27,040 --> 00:11:31,740 was waking up in my car, I don't even remember where I was, 267 00:11:31,740 --> 00:11:33,480 but I woke up and I was in my passenger seat 268 00:11:33,480 --> 00:11:35,820 and I was like, what the, where am I? 269 00:11:35,820 --> 00:11:38,160 And calling my husband and being like, 270 00:11:38,160 --> 00:11:40,040 I just woke up and I'm at my friend's. 271 00:11:40,040 --> 00:11:42,980 And he's like, I've been looking for you forever. 272 00:11:42,980 --> 00:11:43,880 I'm so worried about you. 273 00:11:43,880 --> 00:11:46,440 I'm like, I'm fine, I'm at so-and-so's house 274 00:11:46,440 --> 00:11:48,860 and I'll be home as soon as like we have plans, 275 00:11:48,860 --> 00:11:52,160 we're going sleigh riding up in the mountains. 276 00:11:52,160 --> 00:11:55,080 And I'm like, oh God, with the kids and families. 277 00:11:55,080 --> 00:11:56,780 And I'm like, I can't handle this. 278 00:11:56,780 --> 00:12:01,040 But I went home and I snuck a little thing of vodka. 279 00:12:01,040 --> 00:12:01,880 I'll never forget. 280 00:12:01,880 --> 00:12:02,880 And I like went in the bathroom 281 00:12:02,880 --> 00:12:04,660 and like chugged this little thing of vodka 282 00:12:04,660 --> 00:12:06,900 just so that I could deal with driving up to the mountains. 283 00:12:06,900 --> 00:12:09,380 And then we had to go get like a sticker in your car 284 00:12:09,380 --> 00:12:12,640 to go in to the Frasier mountains. 285 00:12:12,640 --> 00:12:15,240 I don't remember exactly, but when we went into this, 286 00:12:15,240 --> 00:12:16,880 I don't know, into this store, 287 00:12:16,880 --> 00:12:19,320 they had little bottles of alcohol 288 00:12:19,320 --> 00:12:23,320 and I grabbed a tomato juice and I was like, 289 00:12:23,320 --> 00:12:24,980 oh yeah, I'm going to get a tomato juice 290 00:12:24,980 --> 00:12:26,320 and I'm going to get two of those vodkas. 291 00:12:26,320 --> 00:12:27,520 I'm going to take some of the tomato juice. 292 00:12:27,520 --> 00:12:29,040 And like, I had it planned out. 293 00:12:29,040 --> 00:12:34,040 I could not physically or mentally deal with 294 00:12:34,040 --> 00:12:38,200 being around my husband, his friends, their kids, my kids. 295 00:12:38,200 --> 00:12:40,480 I was just like, I can't do this. 296 00:12:40,480 --> 00:12:42,720 I had to have alcohol in my system. 297 00:12:42,720 --> 00:12:45,760 I was like, I chugged one of the little bottles of vodka 298 00:12:45,760 --> 00:12:48,960 and then I drank the other one afterward or in my, in that. 299 00:12:48,960 --> 00:12:50,460 And I was like, again, 300 00:12:50,460 --> 00:12:54,560 then I could deal with life on life's terms, I guess. 301 00:12:54,560 --> 00:12:58,820 I mean, thank God today, that's not my life. 302 00:12:58,820 --> 00:13:01,440 I didn't get, I went to my first AA meeting 303 00:13:01,440 --> 00:13:03,560 two or three days after that car accident. 304 00:13:03,560 --> 00:13:07,560 And I had met a girl, I went to yoga teacher training 305 00:13:07,560 --> 00:13:10,480 and I had met a girl in this yoga teacher training 306 00:13:10,480 --> 00:13:12,440 that was a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. 307 00:13:12,440 --> 00:13:14,920 And I did not know she was a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. 308 00:13:14,920 --> 00:13:19,080 She was simply a girl that listened to me 309 00:13:19,080 --> 00:13:20,880 in my drunken stupors. 310 00:13:20,880 --> 00:13:22,780 I would call her and tell her what was going on. 311 00:13:22,780 --> 00:13:25,520 And she never shared with me that she was sober. 312 00:13:25,520 --> 00:13:29,560 And what I find so compelling about this woman is that, 313 00:13:29,560 --> 00:13:33,040 I mean, probably for two years, she just listened to me. 314 00:13:33,040 --> 00:13:34,760 And I remember her saying things to me like, 315 00:13:34,760 --> 00:13:36,320 I wish I could drink like that. 316 00:13:36,320 --> 00:13:38,000 And why can't you? 317 00:13:38,000 --> 00:13:40,700 I mean, just thinking, I didn't bother to ask her 318 00:13:40,700 --> 00:13:43,720 why she couldn't, I was probably so self-absorbed, right? 319 00:13:43,720 --> 00:13:45,880 That I didn't care why she couldn't drink like that. 320 00:13:45,880 --> 00:13:48,880 But I also noticed that every weekend she was like, 321 00:13:48,880 --> 00:13:50,920 went to picnics and had all these friends 322 00:13:50,920 --> 00:13:52,300 and she was always answering the phone. 323 00:13:52,300 --> 00:13:54,620 Oh yeah, we're going to celebrate so-and-so's birthday 324 00:13:54,620 --> 00:13:59,320 and never talk about attraction rather than promotion. 325 00:13:59,320 --> 00:14:02,600 I mean, she was such an example of this program 326 00:14:02,600 --> 00:14:05,760 and she turned out to be my Eskimo as they call it. 327 00:14:05,760 --> 00:14:08,720 And then she also ended up being my first sponsor. 328 00:14:08,720 --> 00:14:11,200 So she brought me to my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous 329 00:14:11,200 --> 00:14:13,820 and it was a woman's meeting on like, 330 00:14:13,820 --> 00:14:16,540 I think it was in Burbank Boulevard. 331 00:14:16,540 --> 00:14:18,240 The meeting is not in the same location, 332 00:14:18,240 --> 00:14:19,080 but it's still there. 333 00:14:19,080 --> 00:14:20,520 It was a Tuesday night women's meeting. 334 00:14:20,520 --> 00:14:23,520 And I remember walking into that room 335 00:14:23,520 --> 00:14:25,380 well, before I left to go to the meeting, 336 00:14:25,380 --> 00:14:27,520 my husband was like, I said, oh, I'm just too tired. 337 00:14:27,520 --> 00:14:28,520 I don't think I'm going to go tonight. 338 00:14:28,520 --> 00:14:31,900 And he's like, you had better go somewhere 339 00:14:31,900 --> 00:14:33,480 because you're not staying here. 340 00:14:33,480 --> 00:14:34,960 And I was like, whoa. 341 00:14:34,960 --> 00:14:36,720 I was thinking to myself, he's serious. 342 00:14:36,720 --> 00:14:38,100 Wow, I better go. 343 00:14:38,100 --> 00:14:38,940 Go to this meeting. 344 00:14:38,940 --> 00:14:40,320 And I walked in and I was like, you know, 345 00:14:40,320 --> 00:14:42,620 I have my hat on and I just remember walking in 346 00:14:42,620 --> 00:14:44,360 and everyone was in a circle and I was like, 347 00:14:44,360 --> 00:14:45,540 go to the back of the room, you know, 348 00:14:45,540 --> 00:14:47,520 the back of the circle with my hat on and my glasses. 349 00:14:47,520 --> 00:14:48,920 And I was like, oh, 350 00:14:48,920 --> 00:14:50,480 their life is all that I could think of. 351 00:14:50,480 --> 00:14:52,220 I was like, oh no. 352 00:14:52,220 --> 00:14:55,720 And I had really never heard of Alcoholics Anonymous. 353 00:14:55,720 --> 00:14:58,480 I mean, I had, you know, I grew up in a really small town 354 00:14:58,480 --> 00:15:02,080 and my dad, I think had several DUIs. 355 00:15:02,080 --> 00:15:04,260 He wrecked many vehicles. 356 00:15:04,260 --> 00:15:06,860 I remember my mom picking him up several times 357 00:15:06,860 --> 00:15:09,340 where his Jeep would be like literally driven 358 00:15:09,340 --> 00:15:14,340 into a tree and he would come home like his face bleeding. 359 00:15:14,340 --> 00:15:16,060 And like, I could, I never, I was like, wow, 360 00:15:16,060 --> 00:15:17,340 this is kind of crazy. 361 00:15:17,340 --> 00:15:19,180 He's a crazy drinker. 362 00:15:19,180 --> 00:15:21,440 But never, it was never talked about. 363 00:15:21,440 --> 00:15:23,080 sobriety was just never talked about. 364 00:15:23,080 --> 00:15:26,600 It was not in the vocabulary where I grew up in Pennsylvania. 365 00:15:26,600 --> 00:15:28,840 I mean, it just wasn't. 366 00:15:28,840 --> 00:15:29,960 People just drank. 367 00:15:29,960 --> 00:15:32,120 They were serious alcoholics, I guess. 368 00:15:32,120 --> 00:15:35,080 And I lost my train of thought, sorry. 369 00:15:35,080 --> 00:15:39,560 So I'm in this meeting and I started listening 370 00:15:39,560 --> 00:15:41,680 to Women's Share and I really related 371 00:15:41,680 --> 00:15:45,320 to what these women were, their feelings. 372 00:15:45,320 --> 00:15:48,320 And I was like, wow, I kind of feel like that too. 373 00:15:48,320 --> 00:15:50,240 And I don't want to say that I sat in that meeting 374 00:15:50,240 --> 00:15:51,420 and felt like I was at home. 375 00:15:51,420 --> 00:15:53,760 That was not my experience, my first AA meeting. 376 00:15:53,760 --> 00:15:55,040 And I don't know if it was my first, 377 00:15:55,040 --> 00:15:57,140 it wasn't my experience for a little while, 378 00:15:57,140 --> 00:15:59,760 because again, I did not believe I was alcoholic. 379 00:15:59,760 --> 00:16:03,200 It wasn't until Joy read the book with me. 380 00:16:03,200 --> 00:16:05,800 She went through that big book of Alcoholics Anonymous 381 00:16:05,800 --> 00:16:07,620 from the very beginning of the book, 382 00:16:07,620 --> 00:16:08,960 through each page she read with me. 383 00:16:08,960 --> 00:16:10,480 I met with her once a week 384 00:16:10,480 --> 00:16:13,440 and we read for several hours actually. 385 00:16:13,440 --> 00:16:15,160 And when I read that doctor's opinion, 386 00:16:15,160 --> 00:16:17,080 I knew the gig was up. 387 00:16:17,080 --> 00:16:19,420 I was like that I'm an alcoholic. 388 00:16:19,420 --> 00:16:22,580 That was the first time in my life. 389 00:16:22,580 --> 00:16:25,160 And I was 39 years old. 390 00:16:25,160 --> 00:16:28,560 And it was the first time I ever tried to get sober. 391 00:16:28,560 --> 00:16:33,160 And I was not convinced that I needed to quit drinking. 392 00:16:33,160 --> 00:16:36,560 I was convinced that I needed to get my husband off my back. 393 00:16:36,560 --> 00:16:38,340 I needed to get the heat off of me. 394 00:16:38,340 --> 00:16:42,300 And I was gonna learn how to drink like a lady. 395 00:16:42,300 --> 00:16:43,140 Because I mean, 396 00:16:43,140 --> 00:16:45,080 that's why I thought I was coming to Alcoholics Anonymous. 397 00:16:45,080 --> 00:16:47,880 I was like, there is no way these people don't ever drink. 398 00:16:47,880 --> 00:16:48,920 They're too happy. 399 00:16:48,920 --> 00:16:50,880 They're having way too much fun. 400 00:16:50,880 --> 00:16:53,180 I was like, they're all liars. 401 00:16:53,180 --> 00:16:55,880 Uh-uh, there's no way that this is alcohol, 402 00:16:55,880 --> 00:16:57,040 these people are sober. 403 00:16:57,040 --> 00:17:02,700 So I forget where, at what point my sponsor said to me, 404 00:17:03,600 --> 00:17:05,040 maybe she didn't even say something to me about it. 405 00:17:05,040 --> 00:17:07,160 I just remember making the decision 406 00:17:07,160 --> 00:17:09,360 to do this for one year. 407 00:17:09,360 --> 00:17:10,760 I was gonna do this for one year. 408 00:17:10,760 --> 00:17:14,320 And like, I read the steps and the traditions 409 00:17:14,320 --> 00:17:16,000 and I thought, okay, well, I'll do that one and that one, 410 00:17:16,000 --> 00:17:17,400 but I'm not doing that one. 411 00:17:17,400 --> 00:17:20,040 And never in a million years did I think 412 00:17:20,040 --> 00:17:22,000 that I would go through one through 12 steps. 413 00:17:22,000 --> 00:17:25,000 I was like, there is no way I'm gonna go through all that. 414 00:17:25,000 --> 00:17:29,400 And thank God, thank God I did. 415 00:17:29,400 --> 00:17:32,240 Because it has been my experience, 416 00:17:33,120 --> 00:17:35,280 that that has given me a new life. 417 00:17:35,280 --> 00:17:39,040 It has given me, I have learned more about myself, 418 00:17:39,040 --> 00:17:43,640 good and bad, through walking through those steps 419 00:17:43,640 --> 00:17:48,120 with my sponsor than I would have cared to know. 420 00:17:48,120 --> 00:17:51,880 But I am so grateful that I've had that experience. 421 00:17:51,880 --> 00:17:56,520 And it says, the 12 steps of alcoholics, 422 00:17:56,520 --> 00:18:01,520 and it says that's, I mean, that's our program. 423 00:18:01,520 --> 00:18:03,600 It's not not drinking. 424 00:18:03,600 --> 00:18:07,320 I also remember, I'm gonna backtrack here for a second. 425 00:18:07,320 --> 00:18:10,560 Before my friend Joy would sponsor me, she said, 426 00:18:10,560 --> 00:18:11,720 are you willing to go to any lengths? 427 00:18:11,720 --> 00:18:13,920 And I was like, okay, yeah, sure. 428 00:18:13,920 --> 00:18:15,880 I didn't know what that meant. 429 00:18:15,880 --> 00:18:19,480 And then she said, I want you to get this book. 430 00:18:19,480 --> 00:18:23,760 It's called "Dr. Bob and the Good Old Timers." 431 00:18:23,760 --> 00:18:27,600 And she said, I want you to order this book and read it. 432 00:18:27,600 --> 00:18:29,760 And when you're finished, call me. 433 00:18:29,760 --> 00:18:32,040 And then we can talk and I'm like, 434 00:18:32,040 --> 00:18:34,320 oh, this is like homework, I don't know. 435 00:18:34,320 --> 00:18:36,280 I got the book and I think it took me a good month 436 00:18:36,280 --> 00:18:37,160 to read that book. 437 00:18:37,160 --> 00:18:41,080 It was pretty dry, but I highly recommend it. 438 00:18:41,080 --> 00:18:42,840 And what she said to me was, I'm like, 439 00:18:42,840 --> 00:18:44,000 why do I have to read this? 440 00:18:44,000 --> 00:18:46,520 And she's like, listen, if you're gonna join something, 441 00:18:46,520 --> 00:18:48,080 don't you wanna know what you're joining? 442 00:18:48,080 --> 00:18:50,080 And I'm like, okay, sure. 443 00:18:50,080 --> 00:18:52,120 I didn't really wanna join anything. 444 00:18:52,120 --> 00:18:54,960 I just wanted people to get off my back about drinking. 445 00:18:54,960 --> 00:18:57,080 So I highly recommended that book, 446 00:18:57,080 --> 00:18:59,380 "Dr. Bob and the Good Old Timers." 447 00:18:59,380 --> 00:19:03,000 And I lost my train of thought again, I'm sorry. 448 00:19:03,000 --> 00:19:05,760 So I read that book and we went through the steps 449 00:19:05,760 --> 00:19:09,020 and I am grateful for strong sponsorship. 450 00:19:09,020 --> 00:19:11,800 I am grateful to be sober today. 451 00:19:11,800 --> 00:19:13,960 I wasn't so grateful in the beginning. 452 00:19:13,960 --> 00:19:17,480 And I think I went, I forgot to mention anything 453 00:19:17,480 --> 00:19:20,080 about my childhood that I did go to Catholic school. 454 00:19:20,080 --> 00:19:21,660 I was a good Catholic girl. 455 00:19:21,660 --> 00:19:26,120 And I was brought up with the fear of God 456 00:19:26,120 --> 00:19:29,920 and that punishing God that is no longer my God. 457 00:19:29,920 --> 00:19:31,920 I have found a God of my understanding. 458 00:19:31,920 --> 00:19:36,920 And for me, my God changes on a daily basis. 459 00:19:36,920 --> 00:19:40,800 But I also loved when I went through that step 460 00:19:40,800 --> 00:19:44,200 with my sponsor and how she had me put on one side 461 00:19:44,200 --> 00:19:46,520 of the piece of paper, what my God was today. 462 00:19:46,520 --> 00:19:48,000 And on the other side of the piece of paper, 463 00:19:48,000 --> 00:19:49,640 what I would want my God to be. 464 00:19:49,640 --> 00:19:52,120 And it was one of the, Alcoholics Anonymous 465 00:19:52,120 --> 00:19:55,160 isn't somewhere that we, isn't something that we do. 466 00:19:55,160 --> 00:19:57,520 It's not somewhere that we go. 467 00:19:57,520 --> 00:19:59,680 Like Alcoholics Anonymous is a way of life. 468 00:19:59,680 --> 00:20:03,700 Like this is, I can't imagine being anywhere else 469 00:20:03,700 --> 00:20:04,540 on a Saturday night. 470 00:20:04,540 --> 00:20:08,400 Like I'm so grateful for my friends that drove me here, 471 00:20:08,400 --> 00:20:11,480 that came out to this meeting with me. 472 00:20:11,480 --> 00:20:13,040 I don't get to see them very often, 473 00:20:13,040 --> 00:20:16,640 but what an honor to have two women 474 00:20:16,640 --> 00:20:19,380 that want to spend a Saturday night with me 475 00:20:19,380 --> 00:20:20,840 and pick me up and take me somewhere. 476 00:20:20,840 --> 00:20:23,640 I mean, and they don't want anything for it. 477 00:20:23,640 --> 00:20:27,680 Like it's just so, it's this program of Alcoholics Anonymous 478 00:20:27,680 --> 00:20:31,120 has been, it's given me a life. 479 00:20:31,120 --> 00:20:34,160 And I don't want to say beyond my wildest dreams 480 00:20:34,160 --> 00:20:37,360 because really I don't, I didn't have a dream. 481 00:20:37,360 --> 00:20:39,040 Like I don't, I didn't know what I was doing. 482 00:20:39,040 --> 00:20:41,680 I was just, you know, going through life drinking 483 00:20:41,680 --> 00:20:44,580 and doing drugs and I was a party girl 484 00:20:44,580 --> 00:20:45,960 and having a good time. 485 00:20:45,960 --> 00:20:48,160 Now, you know, and I did, I enjoyed drinking. 486 00:20:48,160 --> 00:20:49,320 Like I had a lot of fun. 487 00:20:49,320 --> 00:20:51,320 There were times in between all of those bad times 488 00:20:51,320 --> 00:20:55,040 that I enjoyed it and had a lot of fun. 489 00:20:55,040 --> 00:20:58,240 And I too, I don't think I ever left my house 490 00:20:58,240 --> 00:20:59,180 without drinking. 491 00:20:59,180 --> 00:21:03,260 I like to call it, it was a social lubricant for me. 492 00:21:03,260 --> 00:21:07,040 I didn't, I don't know if I was shy. 493 00:21:07,040 --> 00:21:11,120 I just was very scared of people. 494 00:21:11,120 --> 00:21:14,600 I, you know, I was so in my ego and wanted to make sure 495 00:21:14,600 --> 00:21:17,680 that whatever came out of my mouth that you would like me. 496 00:21:17,680 --> 00:21:19,840 I was, you know, such a people pleaser 497 00:21:19,840 --> 00:21:22,560 and would do anything because it's what I, 498 00:21:22,560 --> 00:21:23,720 what you would want me to do 499 00:21:23,720 --> 00:21:25,840 or what I thought I should do or what, you know, 500 00:21:25,840 --> 00:21:28,200 in school, what they told me I should be doing. 501 00:21:28,200 --> 00:21:33,480 And not for, I would not give, I would not, 502 00:21:33,480 --> 00:21:34,400 I don't even know how to say it. 503 00:21:34,400 --> 00:21:38,800 So I'm not, I can't say it, but like my worst day sober, 504 00:21:38,800 --> 00:21:43,800 I would take it any day over my best drunk, any, any day. 505 00:21:43,800 --> 00:21:49,240 I had, my son was five when I got sober and, you know, 506 00:21:49,680 --> 00:21:50,800 thank God, I don't, 507 00:21:50,800 --> 00:21:53,160 he says that he doesn't remember me drinking. 508 00:21:53,160 --> 00:21:54,720 Like I didn't, you know, I usually, 509 00:21:54,720 --> 00:21:57,040 I was good about not drinking and, you know, 510 00:21:57,040 --> 00:22:00,220 being intoxicated until after he went to sleep at night. 511 00:22:00,220 --> 00:22:02,920 But I do know that I have a daughter that's, 512 00:22:02,920 --> 00:22:04,160 she just turned seven. 513 00:22:04,160 --> 00:22:07,160 And so I have been sober her whole life. 514 00:22:07,160 --> 00:22:12,160 And I definitely noticed the difference between parenting, 515 00:22:12,160 --> 00:22:16,160 my five-year-old, well, zero to five. 516 00:22:16,160 --> 00:22:18,760 And then my daughter, like I'm so much more present. 517 00:22:18,760 --> 00:22:22,400 And when I got sober and went to things for my son, 518 00:22:22,400 --> 00:22:24,660 I would, I just could not stop crying. 519 00:22:24,660 --> 00:22:27,960 Like I would sit at stupid things with him 520 00:22:27,960 --> 00:22:31,620 and just look and be like in awe of the fact 521 00:22:31,620 --> 00:22:34,620 that this is someone that my husband and I have, 522 00:22:34,620 --> 00:22:36,580 like this person comes from me. 523 00:22:36,580 --> 00:22:37,780 Like, how did I do that? 524 00:22:37,780 --> 00:22:41,180 And how are they like, like it's, it's fascinating. 525 00:22:41,180 --> 00:22:45,480 It's, it's a miracle that like, it's just a miracle. 526 00:22:45,480 --> 00:22:47,760 And then to have a daughter, 527 00:22:47,760 --> 00:22:51,760 to have someone mirror you when you were that age 528 00:22:51,760 --> 00:22:53,480 is also really enlightening. 529 00:22:53,480 --> 00:22:58,400 And she is my, like, I just learned so much from her. 530 00:22:58,400 --> 00:23:01,720 I'm so grateful that I'm sober to parent. 531 00:23:01,720 --> 00:23:05,000 I do say at least once a week, 532 00:23:05,000 --> 00:23:06,780 no wonder my grandmother drank vodka 533 00:23:06,780 --> 00:23:08,140 first thing in the morning. 534 00:23:08,140 --> 00:23:10,160 Like that was my grandmother. 535 00:23:10,160 --> 00:23:12,900 I didn't know it until way later on, 536 00:23:12,900 --> 00:23:15,920 but she would have a glass of what I thought was water, 537 00:23:15,920 --> 00:23:18,560 ice water next to the refrigerator and a straw. 538 00:23:18,560 --> 00:23:19,920 And she would like stand there and, you know, 539 00:23:19,920 --> 00:23:21,420 sip on her water and drink, 540 00:23:21,420 --> 00:23:22,720 smoke her cigarette in the kitchen. 541 00:23:22,720 --> 00:23:25,200 And I thought nothing of it to find out 542 00:23:25,200 --> 00:23:26,800 that my grandmother got up in the morning 543 00:23:26,800 --> 00:23:28,200 and drank straight vodka. 544 00:23:28,200 --> 00:23:29,800 And I'm like, she had four kids. 545 00:23:29,800 --> 00:23:32,520 She had my mom, my mom's older brother. 546 00:23:32,520 --> 00:23:34,600 And then she had another family when her dad died. 547 00:23:34,600 --> 00:23:37,040 She had two more boys. 548 00:23:37,040 --> 00:23:41,160 And one of them, my uncle is sober 18 years. 549 00:23:41,160 --> 00:23:44,680 And I just laugh all the time because I'm like, 550 00:23:44,680 --> 00:23:46,680 I know why people drink. 551 00:23:46,680 --> 00:23:50,200 I know if I could drink without, 552 00:23:50,200 --> 00:23:52,900 drink like a normal person, I don't know. 553 00:23:52,900 --> 00:23:54,040 I don't know that I would. 554 00:23:54,040 --> 00:23:55,840 I have, there's no reason for me to drink. 555 00:23:55,840 --> 00:23:58,260 I never enjoyed a glass of wine. 556 00:23:58,260 --> 00:24:00,960 I was never in to having a glass of wine 557 00:24:00,960 --> 00:24:02,920 to sip a glass of wine. 558 00:24:02,920 --> 00:24:04,120 I mean, I don't know about any of you, 559 00:24:04,120 --> 00:24:06,840 but there was nothing, that's disgusting. 560 00:24:06,840 --> 00:24:08,360 That wine is disgusting. 561 00:24:08,360 --> 00:24:11,480 Like I drank because I like the effects 562 00:24:11,480 --> 00:24:13,800 produced by that alcohol. 563 00:24:13,800 --> 00:24:15,080 There was nothing. 564 00:24:15,080 --> 00:24:17,800 I mean, and I probably did drink glamorously sometimes. 565 00:24:17,800 --> 00:24:18,620 I don't know. 566 00:24:18,620 --> 00:24:21,560 My mom drank beer her whole life out of a wine glass. 567 00:24:21,560 --> 00:24:23,960 She would drink her beer out of a wine glass. 568 00:24:23,960 --> 00:24:26,500 I mean, talk about glamorizing alcohol. 569 00:24:26,500 --> 00:24:30,020 I mean, yeah, anyway, but I do drink bubbling water, 570 00:24:30,020 --> 00:24:31,360 bubbly water. 571 00:24:31,360 --> 00:24:33,200 So now I kind of like the very thin lip. 572 00:24:33,200 --> 00:24:35,520 It's nothing to do with the glass, whatever, 573 00:24:35,520 --> 00:24:36,400 that it's a wine glass. 574 00:24:36,400 --> 00:24:39,420 I just like the thin lip of the glass. 575 00:24:39,420 --> 00:24:40,920 I can't see what time it is from here, 576 00:24:40,920 --> 00:24:42,200 but I think I have more time. 577 00:24:42,200 --> 00:24:45,040 And I, I'm just now relaxing. 578 00:24:45,040 --> 00:24:49,160 So thank you for, thank you so much for having me here. 579 00:24:49,160 --> 00:24:52,480 And I'm grateful for my, I'm grateful for my sobriety. 580 00:24:52,480 --> 00:24:54,680 I'm grateful to Alcoholics Anonymous. 581 00:24:54,680 --> 00:24:56,960 I'm grateful for my sponsor. 582 00:24:56,960 --> 00:25:00,620 I'm grateful for Dr. Bob and the good old timers. 583 00:25:00,620 --> 00:25:04,440 And I never thought I would say this. 584 00:25:04,440 --> 00:25:06,200 I will be 12 in February. 585 00:25:06,200 --> 00:25:08,880 I never thought I would say I love AA. 586 00:25:08,880 --> 00:25:11,520 I love what AA has done for me, 587 00:25:11,520 --> 00:25:15,840 but I also share with you that AA has done for me, 588 00:25:15,840 --> 00:25:18,760 but also you have to, we have to walk this walk too, right? 589 00:25:18,760 --> 00:25:23,080 Like I was listening to someone speak on Wednesday morning 590 00:25:23,080 --> 00:25:24,440 at a meeting that I've been going to. 591 00:25:24,440 --> 00:25:25,960 And she was talking about, I mean, 592 00:25:25,960 --> 00:25:27,720 she has like 40 something years talking 593 00:25:27,720 --> 00:25:29,800 about long-term sobriety and how, you know, 594 00:25:29,800 --> 00:25:31,840 each time she goes through her steps, 595 00:25:31,840 --> 00:25:33,000 like the layers of, you know, 596 00:25:33,000 --> 00:25:36,200 she was talking about how she just goes deeper and deeper. 597 00:25:36,200 --> 00:25:38,800 And I'm like, I'm also glad that like, 598 00:25:38,800 --> 00:25:41,400 we get to come here and I feel like I learned something 599 00:25:41,400 --> 00:25:45,600 every single day, whether it's in my daily reflections, 600 00:25:45,600 --> 00:25:47,180 whether it's in my, I mean, 601 00:25:47,180 --> 00:25:49,520 I read a bunch of different things in the morning. 602 00:25:49,520 --> 00:25:53,920 I love when I start my day off with prayer meditation, 603 00:25:53,920 --> 00:25:55,200 even if it's five minutes, 604 00:25:55,200 --> 00:25:57,520 but if I read something and then I sit quiet 605 00:25:57,520 --> 00:25:58,440 for a few minutes, 606 00:25:58,440 --> 00:26:01,600 it is amazing how much better my day goes 607 00:26:01,600 --> 00:26:04,600 when I give my day up to somebody else, 608 00:26:04,600 --> 00:26:07,360 because me running the show, it's not, it doesn't look good. 609 00:26:07,360 --> 00:26:08,200 It's not good. 610 00:26:08,200 --> 00:26:10,160 It's not a good, it's not a good day most of the time. 611 00:26:10,160 --> 00:26:13,220 And I have to go back there so many times, you know, 612 00:26:13,220 --> 00:26:16,280 I have to let it go and give it to God 613 00:26:16,280 --> 00:26:18,360 and all of those great slogans that I have written down 614 00:26:18,360 --> 00:26:19,200 in all of my books. 615 00:26:19,200 --> 00:26:21,040 And I think you have some of them up here. 616 00:26:21,040 --> 00:26:25,780 Like there's just so many, so many nuggets of truth 617 00:26:25,780 --> 00:26:30,640 and just, you get to learn so much here. 618 00:26:30,640 --> 00:26:35,620 I hope that all of you have another 24 hours of sobriety. 619 00:26:35,620 --> 00:26:37,620 You don't have to drink if you don't, 620 00:26:37,620 --> 00:26:39,260 if you don't want to ever feel like that, 621 00:26:39,260 --> 00:26:40,960 you don't ever have to drink again. 622 00:26:40,960 --> 00:26:43,740 And thank God it's a one day at a time program. 623 00:26:43,740 --> 00:26:46,400 Like it's just for today, right? 624 00:26:46,400 --> 00:26:48,940 I'm going through some stuff with my family. 625 00:26:48,940 --> 00:26:51,080 I have a brother that lives out here and you were speaking, 626 00:26:51,080 --> 00:26:54,760 someone was speaking of the Visions, or not Visions, 627 00:26:54,760 --> 00:26:56,200 Tarzana Treatment Center. 628 00:26:56,200 --> 00:27:00,000 And I have a younger brother that was out here 629 00:27:00,000 --> 00:27:02,500 and was trying to help him out. 630 00:27:02,500 --> 00:27:05,420 And he ended up back in treatment. 631 00:27:05,420 --> 00:27:10,000 And I just had to go through some pretty big things 632 00:27:10,000 --> 00:27:12,780 with my brother and in my marriage. 633 00:27:12,780 --> 00:27:14,200 Because when these things happen, 634 00:27:14,200 --> 00:27:16,280 you kind of have to share them with your husband. 635 00:27:16,280 --> 00:27:19,920 And he did not want my brother to be around. 636 00:27:19,920 --> 00:27:22,280 And I let him come to our house for Thanksgiving 637 00:27:22,280 --> 00:27:24,000 because I thought, well, he hasn't been around 638 00:27:24,000 --> 00:27:24,720 for four years. 639 00:27:24,720 --> 00:27:25,520 He's been in jail. 640 00:27:25,520 --> 00:27:27,360 And I thought, we had family in town. 641 00:27:27,360 --> 00:27:30,000 I'm like, just let him come to the house for three nights, 642 00:27:30,000 --> 00:27:31,240 right? 643 00:27:31,240 --> 00:27:32,560 He needs to have a Thanksgiving. 644 00:27:32,560 --> 00:27:35,120 He needs some hope also, right? 645 00:27:35,120 --> 00:27:40,120 And so as it turns out, he took my engagement ring 646 00:27:40,120 --> 00:27:42,800 and pawned it. 647 00:27:42,800 --> 00:27:46,680 And it's not the first time he's pawned something of mine, 648 00:27:46,680 --> 00:27:48,600 but it's the first time he's pawned something of mine 649 00:27:48,600 --> 00:27:49,680 and I've been sober. 650 00:27:49,680 --> 00:27:53,120 And I took it really personally. 651 00:27:53,120 --> 00:27:54,000 Imagine that. 652 00:27:54,000 --> 00:27:58,840 But what I love about where I am today is that 653 00:27:58,840 --> 00:28:03,120 I was able to walk through that with dignity and grace 654 00:28:03,120 --> 00:28:07,400 and share that with my husband and say, what should I do? 655 00:28:07,400 --> 00:28:09,560 I'd like to go kill him. 656 00:28:09,560 --> 00:28:11,720 I'd like to call the cops. 657 00:28:11,720 --> 00:28:13,320 I actually went to my husband and asked him 658 00:28:13,320 --> 00:28:14,600 what he would want me to do. 659 00:28:14,600 --> 00:28:17,900 And I have never, if my husband tells me to do something, 660 00:28:17,900 --> 00:28:19,400 I usually do the opposite. 661 00:28:19,400 --> 00:28:21,080 And if he tells me not to do something, 662 00:28:21,080 --> 00:28:22,480 I'm for sure doing it. 663 00:28:22,480 --> 00:28:26,580 So for me to do that, there's just been this psychic change 664 00:28:26,580 --> 00:28:29,920 that every once in a while I see it and I'm just like, 665 00:28:29,920 --> 00:28:32,360 I stand back and I'm like, who are you? 666 00:28:32,360 --> 00:28:33,520 Where does that come from? 667 00:28:33,520 --> 00:28:36,120 Comes from Alcoholics Anonymous, from God, 668 00:28:36,120 --> 00:28:39,080 from walking the walk and talking the talk. 669 00:28:39,080 --> 00:28:42,460 And yeah, so I got my ring back 670 00:28:42,460 --> 00:28:45,740 and I didn't have to cause any wreckage with my brother. 671 00:28:45,740 --> 00:28:46,580 Like I did it. 672 00:28:46,580 --> 00:28:48,360 I just said, hey, you need to meet me at the pawn shop 673 00:28:48,360 --> 00:28:49,820 and get my ring back. 674 00:28:49,820 --> 00:28:53,440 And I got my ring back and I haven't talked to him since then 675 00:28:53,440 --> 00:28:54,300 and that's fine too. 676 00:28:54,300 --> 00:28:58,660 But for me to not drink over something like that 677 00:28:58,660 --> 00:29:02,100 or not, like I was beside myself. 678 00:29:02,100 --> 00:29:04,520 I wanted to, I didn't want to feel that. 679 00:29:04,520 --> 00:29:05,440 I didn't want to go through that. 680 00:29:05,440 --> 00:29:08,560 I didn't want to feel the pain and the, you know, 681 00:29:08,560 --> 00:29:10,560 I've also learned here too not to take it personally. 682 00:29:10,560 --> 00:29:12,360 Like had nothing to do with me, 683 00:29:12,360 --> 00:29:14,200 had everything to do with him, right? 684 00:29:14,200 --> 00:29:18,700 And when I can get out of myself for just a little bit, 685 00:29:18,700 --> 00:29:22,360 it's a gift because I definitely relate 686 00:29:22,360 --> 00:29:26,380 to the committees in your head. 687 00:29:26,380 --> 00:29:31,120 But now I don't have to stay there as long as I used to. 688 00:29:31,120 --> 00:29:35,540 So thank you again for having me, and yeah, another 24 to you.