1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:01,520 I'm John Porter, I'm an alcoholic. 2 00:00:01,520 --> 00:00:05,360 I want to thank Alex for asking me to come out and speak tonight. 3 00:00:05,360 --> 00:00:07,720 And I've known Alex for a while. 4 00:00:07,720 --> 00:00:11,560 And he has a good program, and he's a good guy. 5 00:00:11,560 --> 00:00:13,520 And it's really good to see him. 6 00:00:13,520 --> 00:00:15,880 Oh, wait, I've got a whole bunch of them. 7 00:00:15,880 --> 00:00:18,280 There's a lot of people in this room that I know. 8 00:00:18,280 --> 00:00:21,360 And it's really good to see a lot of you guys. 9 00:00:21,360 --> 00:00:25,200 When I first met with my wife, she was going to Life's In Session. 10 00:00:25,200 --> 00:00:25,860 Yeah. 11 00:00:25,860 --> 00:00:28,960 If it wasn't for Life's In Session, you guys wouldn't be here, though. 12 00:00:28,960 --> 00:00:30,280 [GROANING] 13 00:00:30,280 --> 00:00:33,200 So it's all in how you think about it, right? 14 00:00:33,200 --> 00:00:40,200 But I'm grateful to be here, to be anywhere safe and sane and sober. 15 00:00:40,200 --> 00:00:41,320 I have a sobriety date. 16 00:00:41,320 --> 00:00:42,880 It's 9/5/88. 17 00:00:42,880 --> 00:00:43,640 I have a sponsor. 18 00:00:43,640 --> 00:00:45,320 His name is David R. I have a home group. 19 00:00:45,320 --> 00:00:48,000 It's the USR group of Northridge. 20 00:00:48,000 --> 00:00:50,520 I have a higher power that I found through the 12 21 00:00:50,520 --> 00:00:56,160 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and through the love and guidance 22 00:00:56,160 --> 00:00:59,280 of the men of this program along with the women. 23 00:00:59,280 --> 00:01:02,840 And because of that, I have a pretty darn good life today. 24 00:01:02,840 --> 00:01:06,480 And the life I have today resembles very little 25 00:01:06,480 --> 00:01:08,160 the life I had when I got here. 26 00:01:08,160 --> 00:01:12,240 I want to thank Esteban and Milton for their shares. 27 00:01:12,240 --> 00:01:14,400 I identified a lot. 28 00:01:14,400 --> 00:01:16,800 I think that whenever I hear anybody sharing, 29 00:01:16,800 --> 00:01:19,480 if I'm looking for the similarities, I find them. 30 00:01:19,480 --> 00:01:22,120 If I'm looking for the differences, I find those as well. 31 00:01:22,120 --> 00:01:25,040 So I've been taught to look for the similarities, 32 00:01:25,040 --> 00:01:27,040 because that's what keeps me here. 33 00:01:27,040 --> 00:01:28,640 When I'm looking for the differences, 34 00:01:28,640 --> 00:01:31,400 that's what starts to separate me from you. 35 00:01:31,400 --> 00:01:35,040 And my sponsor tells me that when 36 00:01:35,040 --> 00:01:38,040 as soon as I start to separate myself from you, 37 00:01:38,040 --> 00:01:39,800 I start to separate myself from God, 38 00:01:39,800 --> 00:01:42,000 and I start to separate myself from God, 39 00:01:42,000 --> 00:01:45,880 I become one-on-one with my alcoholism. 40 00:01:45,880 --> 00:01:47,600 And when I'm solo with my alcoholism, 41 00:01:47,600 --> 00:01:50,240 alcoholism will win every single time. 42 00:01:50,240 --> 00:01:54,640 Because I drank when I didn't want to drink, 43 00:01:54,640 --> 00:01:58,840 like your 10-minute speakers were talking about. 44 00:01:58,840 --> 00:02:01,000 I started drinking when I was 12 years old. 45 00:02:01,000 --> 00:02:02,600 I was in Pacoima. 46 00:02:02,600 --> 00:02:04,720 I was a white guy in a Mexican neighborhood. 47 00:02:04,720 --> 00:02:07,040 I desperately wanted to fit in, so I 48 00:02:07,040 --> 00:02:09,720 did whatever they were doing. 49 00:02:09,720 --> 00:02:13,480 And we went into the next door neighbor's backyard. 50 00:02:13,480 --> 00:02:16,720 And we had some kind of wine, some anti-green springs 51 00:02:16,720 --> 00:02:17,640 or something like that. 52 00:02:17,640 --> 00:02:20,480 Whatever was the wine of choice back in those days. 53 00:02:20,480 --> 00:02:22,160 If you can actually call that wine, 54 00:02:22,160 --> 00:02:26,120 I don't think any of that stuff had any grapes in it. 55 00:02:26,120 --> 00:02:30,040 But that's what we had, some marijuana. 56 00:02:30,040 --> 00:02:33,080 And we smoked that, and we drank the wine. 57 00:02:33,080 --> 00:02:35,560 And I got super sick, and was throwing up 58 00:02:35,560 --> 00:02:36,800 all over my bathroom at home. 59 00:02:36,800 --> 00:02:39,040 And woke up the next day and thought that was fun. 60 00:02:39,040 --> 00:02:40,360 I want to do that again. 61 00:02:40,360 --> 00:02:42,280 And probably not a normal thought. 62 00:02:42,280 --> 00:02:44,040 Most people that get sick from something 63 00:02:44,040 --> 00:02:46,720 just think, I better stay away from that. 64 00:02:46,720 --> 00:02:49,560 But I had so much fun. 65 00:02:49,560 --> 00:02:53,360 And I felt comfortable for one of the first times 66 00:02:53,360 --> 00:02:54,720 in a really, really long time. 67 00:02:54,720 --> 00:03:00,240 When I drank, I got that feeling, everything's OK. 68 00:03:00,240 --> 00:03:02,520 Everything's OK right now in this moment. 69 00:03:02,520 --> 00:03:04,640 And that's what alcohol did for me. 70 00:03:04,640 --> 00:03:06,520 I drank because I liked the effect. 71 00:03:06,520 --> 00:03:08,440 Not because I like the taste. 72 00:03:08,440 --> 00:03:11,560 Not because I liked anything else, really. 73 00:03:11,560 --> 00:03:13,680 I drank for the effect. 74 00:03:13,680 --> 00:03:16,520 And I believe very strongly in the traditions 75 00:03:16,520 --> 00:03:18,200 of Alcoholics Anonymous. 76 00:03:18,200 --> 00:03:21,480 I think the traditions are what hold us together. 77 00:03:21,480 --> 00:03:23,720 And I follow them to the best of my ability 78 00:03:23,720 --> 00:03:27,040 in Alcoholics Anonymous, and in my life 79 00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:28,560 outside of Alcoholics Anonymous. 80 00:03:28,560 --> 00:03:31,840 I think they apply everywhere, actually. 81 00:03:31,840 --> 00:03:34,360 But my story includes a lot of drugs. 82 00:03:34,360 --> 00:03:36,280 So I can only tell my story. 83 00:03:36,280 --> 00:03:37,560 I'll tell you what happened. 84 00:03:37,560 --> 00:03:40,760 But I want you to know I'm an alcoholic. 85 00:03:40,760 --> 00:03:44,120 I didn't think I was an alcoholic when I got here. 86 00:03:44,120 --> 00:03:46,560 I'll tell you a little bit about that. 87 00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:49,520 I drank all through junior high and high school. 88 00:03:49,520 --> 00:03:51,200 Again, it was a lot of fun. 89 00:03:51,200 --> 00:03:52,560 It was like backyard parties. 90 00:03:52,560 --> 00:03:53,840 And we were partying every weekend. 91 00:03:53,840 --> 00:03:55,200 And it was hard to get alcohol. 92 00:03:55,200 --> 00:03:57,760 But we could always get some of the other stuff. 93 00:03:57,760 --> 00:03:59,920 So there's a lot of times when there was other stuff, 94 00:03:59,920 --> 00:04:01,520 and maybe a little bit of beer, maybe 95 00:04:01,520 --> 00:04:03,520 a little bit of some alcohol. 96 00:04:03,520 --> 00:04:06,720 But as we got older, it started to become easier to get it. 97 00:04:06,720 --> 00:04:08,880 And we were always drinking. 98 00:04:08,880 --> 00:04:12,880 It seemed like we were drinking every weekend. 99 00:04:12,880 --> 00:04:18,280 And we did that for a long time, backyard parties with bands. 100 00:04:18,280 --> 00:04:21,040 And you still have a lot of fun. 101 00:04:21,040 --> 00:04:22,800 It was a lot of fun back in those days. 102 00:04:22,800 --> 00:04:26,440 And I just remember drinking on the way to the party, 103 00:04:26,440 --> 00:04:30,480 drinking at the party, drinking on the way home from the party, 104 00:04:30,480 --> 00:04:32,800 going home, passing out, waking up. 105 00:04:32,800 --> 00:04:34,520 And I'm still in school at this time. 106 00:04:34,520 --> 00:04:38,920 And I got in a lot of trouble in school, kicked out, 107 00:04:38,920 --> 00:04:42,120 came back into continuation, kicked out, 108 00:04:42,120 --> 00:04:44,920 and got back into alternative school 109 00:04:44,920 --> 00:04:46,360 at San Fernando High School. 110 00:04:46,360 --> 00:04:48,120 And somehow I managed to graduate. 111 00:04:48,120 --> 00:04:53,720 And we lived in Pacoima. 112 00:04:53,720 --> 00:04:57,000 My parents didn't have a lot of money. 113 00:04:57,000 --> 00:04:59,200 They had a program called CETA. 114 00:04:59,200 --> 00:05:02,920 It was the program that allowed you to work 115 00:05:02,920 --> 00:05:05,560 if you were underprivileged. 116 00:05:05,560 --> 00:05:11,440 And the city gave me a job as a gardener caretaker, which 117 00:05:11,440 --> 00:05:15,520 is basically you walk around the park. 118 00:05:15,520 --> 00:05:17,000 If you were a CETA worker and you 119 00:05:17,000 --> 00:05:17,880 were a gardener caretaker, you walked 120 00:05:17,880 --> 00:05:20,720 around the park with a big stick with a nail on the end of it. 121 00:05:20,720 --> 00:05:22,840 And you picked up paper. 122 00:05:22,840 --> 00:05:24,440 And basically you kept the park clean. 123 00:05:24,440 --> 00:05:26,720 And you put out the rainbirds and water the grass 124 00:05:26,720 --> 00:05:28,000 where the dry spots were. 125 00:05:28,000 --> 00:05:29,400 And I kept showing up. 126 00:05:29,400 --> 00:05:33,480 And I learned how to take care of the grass 127 00:05:33,480 --> 00:05:35,000 and take care of the trees. 128 00:05:35,000 --> 00:05:38,600 And I started learning a lot about just 129 00:05:38,600 --> 00:05:43,760 what it was to take care of those parks overall. 130 00:05:43,760 --> 00:05:45,840 I was going to San Fernando High School. 131 00:05:45,840 --> 00:05:49,480 My first park was at Brand Park. 132 00:05:49,480 --> 00:05:53,640 And so all my friends just would come pick me up in the car. 133 00:05:53,640 --> 00:05:55,160 I'd go out, walk around the park. 134 00:05:55,160 --> 00:05:56,520 They'd come and pick me up. 135 00:05:56,520 --> 00:06:00,840 We'd go drive around, drink, get high, come back. 136 00:06:00,840 --> 00:06:02,200 They'd drop me off. 137 00:06:02,200 --> 00:06:04,640 And I'd just go through the rest of my day. 138 00:06:04,640 --> 00:06:06,900 And I'd get off and go back home. 139 00:06:06,900 --> 00:06:08,200 And we'd continue. 140 00:06:08,200 --> 00:06:09,640 We'd party through the night. 141 00:06:09,640 --> 00:06:13,360 And I remember after about a couple of years of this, 142 00:06:13,360 --> 00:06:14,760 we started doing some other things. 143 00:06:14,760 --> 00:06:18,880 And I had sold drugs all the way through high school 144 00:06:18,880 --> 00:06:21,600 to support the habit that I had because I 145 00:06:21,600 --> 00:06:23,120 didn't have a job at that time. 146 00:06:23,120 --> 00:06:24,760 And even when I got a job, I still 147 00:06:24,760 --> 00:06:28,840 continued selling because I wanted more. 148 00:06:28,840 --> 00:06:32,500 My middle name as an alcoholic is more. 149 00:06:32,500 --> 00:06:35,300 If it's good, I want more. 150 00:06:35,300 --> 00:06:39,560 And so I started selling angel dust 151 00:06:39,560 --> 00:06:43,440 and started smoking angel dust all the time. 152 00:06:43,440 --> 00:06:47,360 And it was destroying my life kind of quickly. 153 00:06:47,360 --> 00:06:49,560 And I remember sitting in my living room one time. 154 00:06:49,560 --> 00:06:50,520 It was a commercial. 155 00:06:50,520 --> 00:06:52,680 And it said, if you want to change your life 156 00:06:52,680 --> 00:06:55,800 and you want to learn how to do something good, 157 00:06:55,800 --> 00:06:57,640 join the military. 158 00:06:57,640 --> 00:07:02,200 It was an advertisement for the United States Marine Corps. 159 00:07:02,200 --> 00:07:06,240 And so thus came my first geographic. 160 00:07:06,240 --> 00:07:08,920 I knew that I had to somehow change my life. 161 00:07:08,920 --> 00:07:11,000 I didn't want to go to college. 162 00:07:11,000 --> 00:07:13,600 I didn't feel like I had it in me. 163 00:07:13,600 --> 00:07:15,560 I actually hated school when I was in it, 164 00:07:15,560 --> 00:07:19,520 even though it was kind of easy for me when I did apply myself. 165 00:07:19,520 --> 00:07:21,960 I went down, and I was going to go talk to the recruiter. 166 00:07:21,960 --> 00:07:25,520 And I had some friends who were in the military and said, 167 00:07:25,520 --> 00:07:27,640 listen, don't go down there and just sign up 168 00:07:27,640 --> 00:07:30,680 because you're going to wind up being a grunt. 169 00:07:30,680 --> 00:07:33,980 And these guys, they're out there 170 00:07:33,980 --> 00:07:35,360 with the rifles on the front line. 171 00:07:35,360 --> 00:07:38,480 And that's not you, dude. 172 00:07:38,480 --> 00:07:40,120 They said, tell them that you want 173 00:07:40,120 --> 00:07:41,900 to figure out what it is you want to do 174 00:07:41,900 --> 00:07:43,580 and make them sign a contract with you. 175 00:07:43,580 --> 00:07:44,200 So that's what I did. 176 00:07:44,200 --> 00:07:47,440 I went and signed a contract to learn electronics 177 00:07:47,440 --> 00:07:49,520 and to be a radio repairman. 178 00:07:49,520 --> 00:07:53,480 And so I went through, and I went through basic training. 179 00:07:53,480 --> 00:07:56,880 And I got the training at 29 Palms. 180 00:07:56,880 --> 00:07:58,420 That was like a nine-month training. 181 00:07:58,420 --> 00:08:02,760 And then I went to Hawaii for three years. 182 00:08:02,760 --> 00:08:09,400 And in Hawaii, they had a great duty station for alcoholics 183 00:08:09,400 --> 00:08:13,240 because it was kind of like a top secret, nobody knows 184 00:08:13,240 --> 00:08:16,800 about it, battalion, radio battalion. 185 00:08:16,800 --> 00:08:20,080 And I showed up there for the first day, 186 00:08:20,080 --> 00:08:22,800 and I knew I was with my people because what is it about us 187 00:08:22,800 --> 00:08:25,120 that we just are like magnets to each other? 188 00:08:25,120 --> 00:08:26,840 We just find each other because everything 189 00:08:26,840 --> 00:08:29,560 that I did in my life was always about drinking and using. 190 00:08:29,560 --> 00:08:31,720 It's like if you weren't drinking or using 191 00:08:31,720 --> 00:08:35,600 or couldn't help me get to the next drink or the next drug, 192 00:08:35,600 --> 00:08:39,400 I probably wasn't talking to you. 193 00:08:39,400 --> 00:08:43,740 And so I show up, and I report for duty, 194 00:08:43,740 --> 00:08:46,760 and I meet a couple of guys, and they go, hey, come with us. 195 00:08:46,760 --> 00:08:52,040 And took me up to the top of the barracks area, 196 00:08:52,040 --> 00:08:54,960 and we're overlooking everything. 197 00:08:54,960 --> 00:08:59,000 And they pull out this sticky bud, and we start smoking it. 198 00:08:59,000 --> 00:09:05,860 And I'm getting high, and I'm thinking, life is good. 199 00:09:05,860 --> 00:09:09,960 I'm in Hawaii, I'm getting high. 200 00:09:09,960 --> 00:09:11,720 I mean, the island was beautiful. 201 00:09:11,720 --> 00:09:13,520 We get up every day, we go swimming. 202 00:09:13,520 --> 00:09:14,520 I learned to play golf. 203 00:09:14,520 --> 00:09:17,200 They had a golf course right on the base. 204 00:09:17,200 --> 00:09:17,920 I'm playing golf. 205 00:09:17,920 --> 00:09:19,000 I mean, life is good. 206 00:09:19,000 --> 00:09:20,760 At night, we're going out on the weekends. 207 00:09:20,760 --> 00:09:22,840 We're going out and partying in town. 208 00:09:22,840 --> 00:09:25,440 And you're going out to the hoochie bars and everything 209 00:09:25,440 --> 00:09:27,400 and hanging out. 210 00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:30,840 And I mean, life was good. 211 00:09:30,840 --> 00:09:32,920 And I was happy. 212 00:09:32,920 --> 00:09:38,560 And three years passed, and at that time in the military, 213 00:09:38,560 --> 00:09:41,040 they had started doing the urine testing. 214 00:09:41,040 --> 00:09:43,840 And I'm doing all kinds of stuff other than just drinking, 215 00:09:43,840 --> 00:09:45,600 and I don't want them to catch me. 216 00:09:45,600 --> 00:09:47,920 And I'm getting nervous, but I'm just about to get out. 217 00:09:47,920 --> 00:09:50,240 So I'm thinking, OK, I got to go. 218 00:09:50,240 --> 00:09:51,600 And the recruiter comes to me. 219 00:09:51,600 --> 00:09:53,720 He says, look, we're having a hard time keeping people 220 00:09:53,720 --> 00:09:54,280 with your MOS. 221 00:09:54,280 --> 00:09:57,280 That's my job specialty. 222 00:09:57,280 --> 00:09:59,640 We're having a hard time keeping you guys. 223 00:09:59,640 --> 00:10:01,960 So we're going to offer you something special. 224 00:10:01,960 --> 00:10:03,600 We'll give you your next stripe, and we'll 225 00:10:03,600 --> 00:10:06,480 give you the next level of schooling, 226 00:10:06,480 --> 00:10:08,800 and we'll give you $16,000 bonus. 227 00:10:08,800 --> 00:10:14,520 And at that time, that was 1983, that was a lot of money. 228 00:10:14,520 --> 00:10:17,000 And the only thought I had was, I got to get out of here. 229 00:10:17,000 --> 00:10:18,300 You guys are going to catch me. 230 00:10:18,300 --> 00:10:20,440 Because I had no intention of stopping. 231 00:10:20,440 --> 00:10:22,600 And every decision I made, like I said, 232 00:10:22,600 --> 00:10:25,100 was about where's the next one. 233 00:10:25,100 --> 00:10:27,240 So I got out. 234 00:10:27,240 --> 00:10:28,760 I came home. 235 00:10:28,760 --> 00:10:32,560 I was hanging out with some friends, just partying. 236 00:10:32,560 --> 00:10:36,240 And I've come to find out that my bank account, 237 00:10:36,240 --> 00:10:40,640 I had been saving up a whole bunch of money for-- 238 00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:43,640 my plan was, I had all this money. 239 00:10:43,640 --> 00:10:45,680 It was supposed to be for going back to school. 240 00:10:45,680 --> 00:10:46,720 But I had all this money. 241 00:10:46,720 --> 00:10:47,780 I was like, I'm going to use that money. 242 00:10:47,780 --> 00:10:49,640 I'm going to go to the East Coast with all the guys 243 00:10:49,640 --> 00:10:50,840 that I was hanging out with. 244 00:10:50,840 --> 00:10:53,040 That's where they were living. 245 00:10:53,040 --> 00:10:54,360 And they had gotten out already. 246 00:10:54,360 --> 00:10:56,320 And I was going to go with them and continue the party. 247 00:10:56,320 --> 00:10:57,440 That was my plan. 248 00:10:57,440 --> 00:11:00,040 And God somehow saved me, because my dad 249 00:11:00,040 --> 00:11:02,240 decided that he needed the money to pay the rent 250 00:11:02,240 --> 00:11:04,640 and got into my bank account and took all the money. 251 00:11:04,640 --> 00:11:08,960 And I was pissed. 252 00:11:08,960 --> 00:11:13,560 All I could think about every day is, I want to kill this guy. 253 00:11:13,560 --> 00:11:15,480 My brain is just processing all the different ways 254 00:11:15,480 --> 00:11:18,120 that I know how to kill him. 255 00:11:18,120 --> 00:11:21,800 But I love my mom. 256 00:11:21,800 --> 00:11:25,760 And I knew that doing anything to him was going to-- 257 00:11:25,760 --> 00:11:26,880 it would just destroy her. 258 00:11:26,880 --> 00:11:31,840 And so I just bit my bottom lip, and I just did nothing, 259 00:11:31,840 --> 00:11:33,120 except just stay angry. 260 00:11:33,120 --> 00:11:35,200 And so I just started partying even harder. 261 00:11:35,200 --> 00:11:39,840 And I partied, and they moved out of the house in Pacoima 262 00:11:39,840 --> 00:11:42,440 and moved to Panorama City. 263 00:11:42,440 --> 00:11:46,360 And I had to go find my own place to live. 264 00:11:46,360 --> 00:11:47,760 I started working again. 265 00:11:47,760 --> 00:11:51,160 I got my job back with the city of Los Angeles. 266 00:11:51,160 --> 00:11:54,000 I tried working in the electronics field, 267 00:11:54,000 --> 00:11:55,760 but they didn't know who I was. 268 00:11:55,760 --> 00:11:57,600 They weren't paying me the way that I thought 269 00:11:57,600 --> 00:11:59,520 that they should pay me. 270 00:11:59,520 --> 00:12:00,760 And so I showed them. 271 00:12:00,760 --> 00:12:03,560 I quit. 272 00:12:03,560 --> 00:12:07,320 And I wound up getting my job back with the city. 273 00:12:07,320 --> 00:12:11,360 And I would just go every day to work and party 274 00:12:11,360 --> 00:12:12,400 like I was before. 275 00:12:12,400 --> 00:12:14,120 But now they're giving me a truck every day 276 00:12:14,120 --> 00:12:15,840 to go around to these small parks. 277 00:12:15,840 --> 00:12:17,000 And so I'm driving to these small parks. 278 00:12:17,000 --> 00:12:18,200 And I'm coming in sometimes. 279 00:12:18,200 --> 00:12:20,040 I'm just hungover from the night before. 280 00:12:20,040 --> 00:12:21,520 And I'm just parking the truck. 281 00:12:21,520 --> 00:12:25,040 I go get the truck, go park at the park, and just sleep it off. 282 00:12:25,040 --> 00:12:28,120 People are-- moms are walking with their kids. 283 00:12:28,120 --> 00:12:29,840 And they're looking at me in the truck 284 00:12:29,840 --> 00:12:31,880 and just shaking their head. 285 00:12:31,880 --> 00:12:36,160 And I'm just an embarrassment to myself. 286 00:12:36,160 --> 00:12:39,800 And it's not who I wanted to be. 287 00:12:39,800 --> 00:12:44,640 I was becoming more and more-- 288 00:12:44,640 --> 00:12:47,800 losing that self-respect that Milti was talking about 289 00:12:47,800 --> 00:12:51,360 and that Estefan was talking about, I hated me. 290 00:12:51,360 --> 00:12:53,840 I hated what I had become. 291 00:12:53,840 --> 00:12:55,920 But I knew that my-- 292 00:12:55,920 --> 00:12:57,960 alcohol was my solution. 293 00:12:57,960 --> 00:13:00,400 If I didn't drink, I couldn't even get up and do anything. 294 00:13:00,400 --> 00:13:03,680 I couldn't-- I didn't want to participate in life at all. 295 00:13:03,680 --> 00:13:08,400 So during this time, started snorting cocaine. 296 00:13:08,400 --> 00:13:11,840 And then we learned how to wet rock cocaine. 297 00:13:11,840 --> 00:13:14,200 And then real cocaine is too expensive. 298 00:13:14,200 --> 00:13:16,280 So we started buying crack. 299 00:13:16,280 --> 00:13:20,680 And within a couple of years, it has me on my knees. 300 00:13:20,680 --> 00:13:21,840 And I don't know what to do. 301 00:13:21,840 --> 00:13:24,800 And I remember sitting in this lady's house. 302 00:13:24,800 --> 00:13:30,880 So I had been asked by a lady who was a friend of the family. 303 00:13:30,880 --> 00:13:34,720 She was dying from Lou Gehrig's disease, ALS. 304 00:13:34,720 --> 00:13:37,440 And she asked if I would want to come and live 305 00:13:37,440 --> 00:13:39,760 with her and her two sons and help take care of her 306 00:13:39,760 --> 00:13:41,760 as she started to get worse. 307 00:13:41,760 --> 00:13:44,720 And I said, sure, I'll do that. 308 00:13:44,720 --> 00:13:46,040 And I would never be there. 309 00:13:46,040 --> 00:13:47,880 And when I was there, I didn't have any money. 310 00:13:47,880 --> 00:13:50,200 I couldn't pay my rent. 311 00:13:50,200 --> 00:13:52,160 So things just really started getting bad. 312 00:13:52,160 --> 00:13:54,360 And she finally said, I'm going to have 313 00:13:54,360 --> 00:13:59,160 to kick you out because you just can't be here anymore. 314 00:13:59,160 --> 00:14:04,680 And I remember sitting in the living room thinking, 315 00:14:04,680 --> 00:14:05,400 I hate me. 316 00:14:05,400 --> 00:14:08,240 I don't know what to do. 317 00:14:08,240 --> 00:14:10,880 And so I called the only person that I had left. 318 00:14:10,880 --> 00:14:13,480 And I called mommy. 319 00:14:13,480 --> 00:14:18,240 And my mom was-- 320 00:14:18,240 --> 00:14:21,160 she probably needed it all in on. 321 00:14:21,160 --> 00:14:24,320 But my mom was one of those where that's-- 322 00:14:24,320 --> 00:14:27,080 if you're her child, she never gives up on you. 323 00:14:27,080 --> 00:14:28,880 And thank God for that. 324 00:14:28,880 --> 00:14:32,280 She said, OK, come and live with me. 325 00:14:32,280 --> 00:14:33,760 So I went to live with my parents. 326 00:14:33,760 --> 00:14:36,460 And now I'm back with my dad. 327 00:14:36,460 --> 00:14:38,640 And I'm just-- I'm angry. 328 00:14:38,640 --> 00:14:39,520 I hate me. 329 00:14:39,520 --> 00:14:40,840 I hate him. 330 00:14:40,840 --> 00:14:43,480 I just hate life. 331 00:14:43,480 --> 00:14:46,240 And I don't know what to do. 332 00:14:46,240 --> 00:14:49,440 And I started trying to get sober. 333 00:14:49,440 --> 00:14:52,280 And I'm still working at the city 334 00:14:52,280 --> 00:14:56,200 because it's impossible to get far from the city almost. 335 00:14:56,200 --> 00:15:00,040 I say almost because they did finally let me go. 336 00:15:00,040 --> 00:15:03,440 They let me go when I was in a recovery house. 337 00:15:03,440 --> 00:15:06,680 And they said, if you sign right here, 338 00:15:06,680 --> 00:15:07,840 we'll just forget about it. 339 00:15:07,840 --> 00:15:11,280 You can actually apply to get your job back later on if you 340 00:15:11,280 --> 00:15:13,240 get your stuff back together. 341 00:15:13,240 --> 00:15:16,360 If you don't, we're going to fire you. 342 00:15:16,360 --> 00:15:18,040 And you'll never get your job back. 343 00:15:18,040 --> 00:15:20,120 And so I sign the papers. 344 00:15:20,120 --> 00:15:23,640 Now, mind you, it's my mom sitting 345 00:15:23,640 --> 00:15:27,360 on the other side of the table with this paperwork telling me 346 00:15:27,360 --> 00:15:29,360 that I need to sign on the bottom line 347 00:15:29,360 --> 00:15:32,160 if I ever want to have a chance to get my job back. 348 00:15:32,160 --> 00:15:34,880 And I feel like this big. 349 00:15:34,880 --> 00:15:36,440 This is what my life has become. 350 00:15:36,440 --> 00:15:38,400 And so I sign the paperwork. 351 00:15:38,400 --> 00:15:40,880 And I get out of that recovery program. 352 00:15:40,880 --> 00:15:45,000 And I don't stay sober because I think the problem is crack. 353 00:15:45,000 --> 00:15:47,440 If I just stop doing the crack, I can just drink. 354 00:15:47,440 --> 00:15:48,800 And so I drink. 355 00:15:48,800 --> 00:15:52,200 And then I smoke crack because once I start drinking, 356 00:15:52,200 --> 00:15:54,040 there's no such thing as a bad idea. 357 00:15:54,040 --> 00:15:55,080 Everything's on the table. 358 00:15:55,080 --> 00:15:55,920 I have no control. 359 00:15:55,920 --> 00:15:58,920 And so I went through that for a little while. 360 00:15:58,920 --> 00:16:02,000 And I realized, God, if I ever want 361 00:16:02,000 --> 00:16:05,720 to stay off of this stuff, I got to not drink for a little while. 362 00:16:05,720 --> 00:16:07,200 Was smart enough to figure that out. 363 00:16:07,200 --> 00:16:10,400 And so I went to another recovery program. 364 00:16:10,400 --> 00:16:13,840 And they wound up sending me to go to meetings. 365 00:16:13,840 --> 00:16:15,520 And one of the meetings I went to-- 366 00:16:15,520 --> 00:16:17,840 because they sent a panel in there. 367 00:16:17,840 --> 00:16:20,720 One of the guys that was on the panel, his name was Steve Ogle. 368 00:16:20,720 --> 00:16:23,240 And some of you in here probably remember Steve. 369 00:16:23,240 --> 00:16:26,360 He was a great guy and really on fire about AA. 370 00:16:26,360 --> 00:16:28,520 And he came on that panel. 371 00:16:28,520 --> 00:16:31,080 And he said, hey, when you get out of here, 372 00:16:31,080 --> 00:16:32,320 come over to our meeting. 373 00:16:32,320 --> 00:16:33,400 And it was life succession. 374 00:16:33,400 --> 00:16:35,760 And so I went over to that meeting. 375 00:16:35,760 --> 00:16:38,320 It was real close to the place where I was-- 376 00:16:38,320 --> 00:16:41,320 the treatment center that I was in at the time. 377 00:16:41,320 --> 00:16:44,120 And so I did that. 378 00:16:44,120 --> 00:16:46,720 And I heard the guys talking. 379 00:16:46,720 --> 00:16:47,360 I was in there. 380 00:16:47,360 --> 00:16:48,020 It was laughing. 381 00:16:48,020 --> 00:16:49,920 I was laughing along with them. 382 00:16:49,920 --> 00:16:53,400 I kind of understood what was going on, but I kind of didn't. 383 00:16:53,400 --> 00:16:56,160 But I had this thing inside of me that said, 384 00:16:56,160 --> 00:16:57,320 you guys are all alcoholics. 385 00:16:57,320 --> 00:16:58,320 I'm not. 386 00:16:58,320 --> 00:17:00,360 I just never thought I'm an alcoholic. 387 00:17:00,360 --> 00:17:01,760 Because my problem's not alcohol. 388 00:17:01,760 --> 00:17:06,280 Because I couldn't relate how alcohol was destroying my life. 389 00:17:06,280 --> 00:17:08,280 I knew how the drugs were destroying my life. 390 00:17:08,280 --> 00:17:09,320 It was easy to see that. 391 00:17:09,320 --> 00:17:12,280 And so I kept going to meetings because I knew 392 00:17:12,280 --> 00:17:13,880 I needed to somehow stay sober. 393 00:17:13,880 --> 00:17:22,080 And I moved into a house into the West Valley 394 00:17:22,080 --> 00:17:25,920 with the lady that I had met at a job that I had finally got. 395 00:17:25,920 --> 00:17:28,600 Because I'm not working the same program 396 00:17:28,600 --> 00:17:30,720 that you guys are working in this room. 397 00:17:30,720 --> 00:17:33,240 I was working the John program. 398 00:17:33,240 --> 00:17:34,760 I had no sponsor. 399 00:17:34,760 --> 00:17:36,960 I was going to like one meeting a week. 400 00:17:36,960 --> 00:17:38,640 Wasn't working any steps. 401 00:17:38,640 --> 00:17:40,800 Really didn't have any kind of God. 402 00:17:40,800 --> 00:17:43,320 But just going to that one meeting a week 403 00:17:43,320 --> 00:17:45,400 and listening and trying to practice 404 00:17:45,400 --> 00:17:49,120 what I was hearing on my own actually helped me stay sober, 405 00:17:49,120 --> 00:17:52,340 even though it was a white knuckle sobriety. 406 00:17:52,340 --> 00:17:56,320 And I was able to get a job. 407 00:17:56,320 --> 00:17:57,360 So I got a job. 408 00:17:57,360 --> 00:17:58,840 I met a girl. 409 00:17:58,840 --> 00:18:00,540 I took her hostage. 410 00:18:00,540 --> 00:18:03,240 We moved in together. 411 00:18:03,240 --> 00:18:08,920 And after, I don't know, like 18 months or something like that, 412 00:18:08,920 --> 00:18:12,160 she said, what's wrong with you? 413 00:18:12,160 --> 00:18:13,720 I said, I don't know, I feel crazy. 414 00:18:13,720 --> 00:18:15,280 I think I'm going to drink again. 415 00:18:15,280 --> 00:18:19,760 And I just feel like I'm crawling out of my own skin. 416 00:18:19,760 --> 00:18:21,760 And she says, and I don't know what to do. 417 00:18:21,760 --> 00:18:24,000 She goes, well, maybe you need to get some therapy. 418 00:18:24,000 --> 00:18:25,320 And she had been in therapy her whole life. 419 00:18:25,320 --> 00:18:26,560 So that was her solution. 420 00:18:26,560 --> 00:18:27,480 That's what she knew. 421 00:18:27,480 --> 00:18:30,080 And so I didn't think to myself, hey, 422 00:18:30,080 --> 00:18:32,040 I should go to those meetings I've been going to 423 00:18:32,040 --> 00:18:35,320 and maybe get a sponsor or maybe start doing it your way. 424 00:18:35,320 --> 00:18:37,480 I didn't think those thoughts at all in my head. 425 00:18:37,480 --> 00:18:39,840 At least I didn't have them consciously. 426 00:18:39,840 --> 00:18:42,120 And so I started going to see this therapist. 427 00:18:42,120 --> 00:18:44,200 And she was working on a slide rule 428 00:18:44,200 --> 00:18:46,840 because we didn't have a lot of money. 429 00:18:46,840 --> 00:18:48,200 And so she was new. 430 00:18:48,200 --> 00:18:51,200 She was working under someone else's license. 431 00:18:51,200 --> 00:18:53,440 But God was working through her. 432 00:18:53,440 --> 00:18:55,760 And I know it today because I can look back on and see it. 433 00:18:55,760 --> 00:18:57,880 Because I remember we would talk and we would talk. 434 00:18:57,880 --> 00:18:59,880 And all of a sudden, one day she says to me, 435 00:18:59,880 --> 00:19:00,920 well, what do you think you need to do? 436 00:19:00,920 --> 00:19:03,120 And I said, I guess I need to give AA a chance. 437 00:19:03,120 --> 00:19:05,120 And I remember thinking to myself, where the heck 438 00:19:05,120 --> 00:19:06,560 did that come from? 439 00:19:06,560 --> 00:19:08,200 And so I did. 440 00:19:08,200 --> 00:19:09,460 I went the following week. 441 00:19:09,460 --> 00:19:11,460 And there was a guy that used to come every week. 442 00:19:11,460 --> 00:19:16,680 And he would put his hand out and shake his hand. 443 00:19:16,680 --> 00:19:18,040 Every week, same thing. 444 00:19:18,040 --> 00:19:19,520 Introduce himself. 445 00:19:19,520 --> 00:19:21,240 Hey, John, how are you doing this week? 446 00:19:21,240 --> 00:19:23,400 So he was really the only one that I remembered. 447 00:19:23,400 --> 00:19:25,600 And I remember from the podium these speakers-- 448 00:19:25,600 --> 00:19:27,640 because it was a speaker meeting I was going to, 449 00:19:27,640 --> 00:19:29,940 I remember they would say stuff like, ask somebody to sponsor 450 00:19:29,940 --> 00:19:31,340 you who has what you want. 451 00:19:31,340 --> 00:19:33,080 I had no clue what that meant at the time. 452 00:19:33,080 --> 00:19:34,760 All I knew about life at the time 453 00:19:34,760 --> 00:19:36,240 was all the outside stuff. 454 00:19:36,240 --> 00:19:38,720 And he was always dressed nice, sued and everything. 455 00:19:38,720 --> 00:19:41,080 And they would always call his name. 456 00:19:41,080 --> 00:19:43,160 People would clap for him. 457 00:19:43,160 --> 00:19:45,720 All the ladies were coming up to give him a kiss. 458 00:19:45,720 --> 00:19:46,640 He seemed popular. 459 00:19:46,640 --> 00:19:49,480 And I was like, OK, yeah, he's a good guy for me. 460 00:19:49,480 --> 00:19:51,720 I want what he has. 461 00:19:51,720 --> 00:19:53,800 And so I asked him to be my sponsor. 462 00:19:53,800 --> 00:19:55,960 And I said, OK, Jose, will you be my sponsor? 463 00:19:55,960 --> 00:19:57,920 He said, sure, I'll be your sponsor. 464 00:19:57,920 --> 00:19:59,640 I said, OK, what do I need to do? 465 00:19:59,640 --> 00:20:00,640 He says, I don't know. 466 00:20:00,640 --> 00:20:02,960 I said, OK, I asked the wrong guy. 467 00:20:02,960 --> 00:20:05,800 And he says, I don't know what you need to do to stay sober. 468 00:20:05,800 --> 00:20:09,000 I'll tell you what I need to do to stay sober by showing you. 469 00:20:09,000 --> 00:20:10,800 He goes, and I go to a meeting every week. 470 00:20:10,800 --> 00:20:12,220 And I have a commitment at every one of those meetings 471 00:20:12,220 --> 00:20:12,920 that I go to. 472 00:20:12,920 --> 00:20:14,640 He goes, so if you want to stay sober 473 00:20:14,640 --> 00:20:17,120 and you want me to be your sponsor, then you come to me 474 00:20:17,120 --> 00:20:17,640 with those meetings. 475 00:20:17,640 --> 00:20:19,640 And he started picking me up and taking me to all the meetings 476 00:20:19,640 --> 00:20:20,240 he was going to. 477 00:20:20,240 --> 00:20:21,960 And I had to get a commitment at all those meetings. 478 00:20:21,960 --> 00:20:24,180 And he started trying to take me through the book. 479 00:20:24,180 --> 00:20:26,460 And I started going to a book study. 480 00:20:26,460 --> 00:20:30,840 And I mean, I'm immersed in Alcoholics Anonymous. 481 00:20:30,840 --> 00:20:32,960 And I still don't think I'm an alcoholic. 482 00:20:32,960 --> 00:20:34,560 And one of the places that he took me to 483 00:20:34,560 --> 00:20:35,760 was my current home group. 484 00:20:35,760 --> 00:20:37,020 That's the USR group. 485 00:20:37,020 --> 00:20:40,920 And those men in there actually taught me how to live. 486 00:20:40,920 --> 00:20:43,020 They taught me what it is to be a man. 487 00:20:43,020 --> 00:20:44,440 I used to think it was the guy that 488 00:20:44,440 --> 00:20:46,800 had all the stuff on the outside, all the toys, all 489 00:20:46,800 --> 00:20:48,280 the good stuff. 490 00:20:48,280 --> 00:20:51,080 And I've learned that that's not what it really 491 00:20:51,080 --> 00:20:53,080 is to be a good man. 492 00:20:53,080 --> 00:20:55,680 It's someone who keeps his commitments, who's 493 00:20:55,680 --> 00:20:57,760 honest, who shows up for his family. 494 00:20:57,760 --> 00:21:00,680 And we've heard it here before tonight already. 495 00:21:00,680 --> 00:21:03,320 And they showed me through their own examples 496 00:21:03,320 --> 00:21:05,080 how they were with their own families 497 00:21:05,080 --> 00:21:07,640 and how they lived their life what it was like to be 498 00:21:07,640 --> 00:21:11,240 a man in this world, a sober man in Alcoholics Anonymous. 499 00:21:11,240 --> 00:21:13,280 But I'm going to this meeting. 500 00:21:13,280 --> 00:21:15,080 I'm showing up every week. 501 00:21:15,080 --> 00:21:17,460 And I'm thinking to myself, but I'm really not an alcoholic. 502 00:21:17,460 --> 00:21:18,240 And there was a guy there. 503 00:21:18,240 --> 00:21:19,400 His name was Randy Lawrence. 504 00:21:19,400 --> 00:21:21,160 He used to come to the meeting every week. 505 00:21:21,160 --> 00:21:23,600 And he was fantastic with newcomers, this guy. 506 00:21:23,600 --> 00:21:25,620 He died with 27 years of sobriety. 507 00:21:25,620 --> 00:21:29,200 And he'd come up to me, John, if you're not an alcoholic, 508 00:21:29,200 --> 00:21:30,520 what is your problem? 509 00:21:30,520 --> 00:21:32,480 And I'm like, I don't know. 510 00:21:32,480 --> 00:21:34,400 And he said, John, if you're not an alcoholic, 511 00:21:34,400 --> 00:21:36,800 why is it so necessary for you to be able to drink? 512 00:21:36,800 --> 00:21:41,720 And I didn't know how we could see in the back of my head 513 00:21:41,720 --> 00:21:44,360 that plan that I had, that if I could just stay off that stuff 514 00:21:44,360 --> 00:21:46,920 long enough and kind of get my life together well enough, 515 00:21:46,920 --> 00:21:48,440 that I could probably drink again. 516 00:21:48,440 --> 00:21:50,720 I could go back to drinking like I used to. 517 00:21:50,720 --> 00:21:52,760 And I started thinking, maybe I'm really an alcoholic. 518 00:21:52,760 --> 00:21:55,000 And so I went to my sponsor and I said, Jose, 519 00:21:55,000 --> 00:21:56,160 maybe I'm really alcoholic. 520 00:21:56,160 --> 00:21:56,880 He said, duh. 521 00:21:56,880 --> 00:21:58,760 He said, maybe now you start doing the things 522 00:21:58,760 --> 00:22:01,320 I've been asking you to do. 523 00:22:01,320 --> 00:22:04,800 I want you to go back and find yourself in the book. 524 00:22:04,800 --> 00:22:06,960 I want you to read the doctor's opinion. 525 00:22:06,960 --> 00:22:08,520 I went back to the doctor's opinion, 526 00:22:08,520 --> 00:22:10,400 and I started reading about alcoholism. 527 00:22:10,400 --> 00:22:12,760 And they describe alcoholism in there, right? 528 00:22:12,760 --> 00:22:15,480 And there's no definition for an alcoholic, 529 00:22:15,480 --> 00:22:17,240 but there's a description. 530 00:22:17,240 --> 00:22:20,120 There's different types that he describes, the doctor does. 531 00:22:20,120 --> 00:22:23,480 But he describes the actual disease. 532 00:22:23,480 --> 00:22:26,320 When I drink, the drink seems to want another drink. 533 00:22:26,320 --> 00:22:29,360 And I start to drink and I don't know when I'm going to stop. 534 00:22:29,360 --> 00:22:32,720 After three or four, all of a sudden, I'm just off and running. 535 00:22:32,720 --> 00:22:35,840 And that wouldn't be so incredibly horrible, 536 00:22:35,840 --> 00:22:39,320 except when I manage to somehow get stopped for any period of time. 537 00:22:39,320 --> 00:22:42,680 A few hours, a day, or something, my head starts talking to me. 538 00:22:42,680 --> 00:22:45,240 And even though I've told myself I'm never drinking again, 539 00:22:45,240 --> 00:22:47,200 because I've destroyed my life, my head 540 00:22:47,200 --> 00:22:51,040 tells me through some mechanism that it's OK to have another drink. 541 00:22:51,040 --> 00:22:54,880 Either screw them, or you've earned it, or-- 542 00:22:54,880 --> 00:22:57,920 I mean, there's some message that pops in between these ears that makes 543 00:22:57,920 --> 00:22:59,560 it OK to pick up another drink. 544 00:22:59,560 --> 00:23:02,680 And if I have that mental twist, that peculiar mental twist 545 00:23:02,680 --> 00:23:06,160 that the book talks about, and I have the allergy of the body, 546 00:23:06,160 --> 00:23:07,280 then I have alcoholism. 547 00:23:07,280 --> 00:23:10,000 And so all of a sudden, I realize I'm an alcoholic. 548 00:23:10,000 --> 00:23:13,040 So I start thinking, OK, I got to start doing everything 549 00:23:13,040 --> 00:23:15,760 that these guys are doing the same way that they do it. 550 00:23:15,760 --> 00:23:18,520 And so I started doing that. 551 00:23:18,520 --> 00:23:20,600 Did you need to get that? 552 00:23:20,600 --> 00:23:22,080 OK, we'll wait. 553 00:23:22,080 --> 00:23:24,520 I remember thinking to myself, but what if they 554 00:23:24,520 --> 00:23:25,960 think I'm really not an alcoholic? 555 00:23:25,960 --> 00:23:28,840 What if they want to kick me out of here or make me leave? 556 00:23:28,840 --> 00:23:32,480 I started having these bizarre thoughts and fears. 557 00:23:32,480 --> 00:23:36,280 And I started going to the meeting and sharing honestly 558 00:23:36,280 --> 00:23:40,280 about what was going on between my ears, because I never really was-- 559 00:23:40,280 --> 00:23:44,440 I always knew how to share in a way that made me look good. 560 00:23:44,440 --> 00:23:46,320 I knew how to tell you what you wanted to hear. 561 00:23:46,320 --> 00:23:46,980 I'm a chameleon. 562 00:23:46,980 --> 00:23:48,040 I know how to fit in. 563 00:23:48,040 --> 00:23:50,840 And I know how to get what I want out of life. 564 00:23:50,840 --> 00:23:56,400 I'm a magician at stealing your time, your money, your resources, 565 00:23:56,400 --> 00:24:00,520 whatever it is that I need to get from you for me to be OK to get what I want, 566 00:24:00,520 --> 00:24:02,760 because I'm a selfish, self-centered person. 567 00:24:02,760 --> 00:24:04,080 All I think about is me. 568 00:24:04,080 --> 00:24:06,680 All I want is to get what I want. 569 00:24:06,680 --> 00:24:10,920 And I started learning about alcoholism and recovery from alcoholism 570 00:24:10,920 --> 00:24:14,880 by working the steps with my sponsor and going 571 00:24:14,880 --> 00:24:17,160 through a fourth step and a fifth step. 572 00:24:17,160 --> 00:24:20,920 I didn't have a lot of trouble with believing in a higher power. 573 00:24:20,920 --> 00:24:24,920 I didn't really understand it, but I knew that I could just-- 574 00:24:24,920 --> 00:24:28,120 as long as I just turned it over and just did what you guys were doing, 575 00:24:28,120 --> 00:24:30,040 that somehow everything was going to work out. 576 00:24:30,040 --> 00:24:31,120 I just had that feeling. 577 00:24:31,120 --> 00:24:34,480 And I think that was God working in my life. 578 00:24:34,480 --> 00:24:40,040 There was a God inside of me being talked to through the God in you, 579 00:24:40,040 --> 00:24:43,080 because I believe that's how God works through people. 580 00:24:43,080 --> 00:24:45,240 The God in you talks to the God in me. 581 00:24:45,240 --> 00:24:46,760 The God in me talks to the God in you. 582 00:24:46,760 --> 00:24:49,440 And I heard a speaker one time say, you can always 583 00:24:49,440 --> 00:24:55,880 tell when God's involved, because there's at least two winners, 584 00:24:55,880 --> 00:24:59,440 somebody doing some giving and somebody doing some receiving. 585 00:24:59,440 --> 00:25:06,520 And I had to really start adopting the principles 586 00:25:06,520 --> 00:25:08,600 that I was learning in these steps. 587 00:25:08,600 --> 00:25:12,880 I had to start forgiving myself, had to start forgiving other people. 588 00:25:12,880 --> 00:25:16,320 And then I had to start making the wreckage of my life, 589 00:25:16,320 --> 00:25:18,160 trying to clean that up. 590 00:25:18,160 --> 00:25:19,640 And I was able to do that. 591 00:25:19,640 --> 00:25:21,240 I was able to forgive my dad. 592 00:25:21,240 --> 00:25:23,080 And we have a relationship today. 593 00:25:23,080 --> 00:25:25,560 It's not a great one, because my dad's not the easiest guy in the world 594 00:25:25,560 --> 00:25:26,280 to get along with. 595 00:25:26,280 --> 00:25:27,680 But we have a relationship. 596 00:25:27,680 --> 00:25:32,560 And I don't have to be the creator of any trouble in any of my relationships. 597 00:25:32,560 --> 00:25:35,520 I am quite often, because I'm selfish and self-centered. 598 00:25:35,520 --> 00:25:36,480 But I don't have to be. 599 00:25:36,480 --> 00:25:42,920 And I have tools so that I can clean that up very quickly. 600 00:25:42,920 --> 00:25:45,560 I wound up marrying that lady that I was living with. 601 00:25:45,560 --> 00:25:48,880 She had a 10-year-old-- or she had an 18-month-old. 602 00:25:48,880 --> 00:25:50,700 And I raised her till she was about 10. 603 00:25:50,700 --> 00:25:53,640 And then that lady said she didn't want to be married anymore. 604 00:25:53,640 --> 00:25:56,080 And I mean, it just-- 605 00:25:56,080 --> 00:25:56,800 it killed me. 606 00:25:56,800 --> 00:26:00,840 I didn't know what to do, but I brought my butt to Alcoholics Anonymous. 607 00:26:00,840 --> 00:26:02,880 I brought my buck to my meetings. 608 00:26:02,880 --> 00:26:05,720 And I said, I don't know what to do. 609 00:26:05,720 --> 00:26:07,520 I don't know how to live with these feelings. 610 00:26:07,520 --> 00:26:08,920 Because my heart was broken. 611 00:26:08,920 --> 00:26:10,000 It was aching. 612 00:26:10,000 --> 00:26:13,480 And I knew that my relationship with her was over a long time before. 613 00:26:13,480 --> 00:26:16,440 What my heart was really aching for was the loss of that little girl. 614 00:26:16,440 --> 00:26:17,960 I mean, I loved her with all my heart. 615 00:26:17,960 --> 00:26:21,420 And I didn't know how to deal with that. 616 00:26:21,420 --> 00:26:24,120 And my sponsor says, this is maybe something 617 00:26:24,120 --> 00:26:27,640 that's a little bit bigger than I know how to deal with. 618 00:26:27,640 --> 00:26:29,840 He says, this is something other than alcoholism. 619 00:26:29,840 --> 00:26:31,640 And maybe you need to get some outside help. 620 00:26:31,640 --> 00:26:33,520 So he sent me to see a therapist. 621 00:26:33,520 --> 00:26:34,900 But he gave me some instructions. 622 00:26:34,900 --> 00:26:36,580 He said, when you go to see a therapist, 623 00:26:36,580 --> 00:26:40,800 he says, you have to pick somebody who understands what alcoholism is. 624 00:26:40,800 --> 00:26:44,280 Because if they don't, they will try and treat your alcoholism with therapy, 625 00:26:44,280 --> 00:26:45,960 and you will wind up drinking again. 626 00:26:45,960 --> 00:26:47,800 And if you drink again, you may die. 627 00:26:47,800 --> 00:26:50,000 And so I went to it and found a therapist who 628 00:26:50,000 --> 00:26:52,480 was sober in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. 629 00:26:52,480 --> 00:26:55,180 And he was able to help me walk through a lot of those feelings 630 00:26:55,180 --> 00:27:05,600 and recover from some lifelong stuff, not feeling good enough, 631 00:27:05,600 --> 00:27:08,760 needing other people's approval to be OK in my own skin, 632 00:27:08,760 --> 00:27:11,440 all kinds of stuff like that. 633 00:27:11,440 --> 00:27:12,700 You can learn it here in AA2. 634 00:27:12,700 --> 00:27:16,320 I mean, I've heard lots of people share lots of great stuff in meetings. 635 00:27:16,320 --> 00:27:22,300 But I needed some kind of intense one-on-one to get OK in my own skin. 636 00:27:22,300 --> 00:27:24,340 And while I'm doing this, I'm telling my sponsor, 637 00:27:24,340 --> 00:27:29,640 look, I need to not go to as many meetings. 638 00:27:29,640 --> 00:27:32,440 I need to take care of myself. 639 00:27:32,440 --> 00:27:35,260 I need to maybe let go of this commitment. 640 00:27:35,260 --> 00:27:37,680 Because I was involved with the San Fernando Valley Convention, 641 00:27:37,680 --> 00:27:39,240 had been for a number of years. 642 00:27:39,240 --> 00:27:41,520 And said, I'm going to maybe give it up this year. 643 00:27:41,520 --> 00:27:43,080 He says, no, no, no, no. 644 00:27:43,080 --> 00:27:45,240 He says, you need to keep all of your commitments. 645 00:27:45,240 --> 00:27:46,700 You need to go to all your meetings. 646 00:27:46,700 --> 00:27:49,760 And you need to keep making all your phone calls. 647 00:27:49,760 --> 00:27:52,880 He says, those are the things that are going to get you through this. 648 00:27:52,880 --> 00:27:53,840 And so I did it. 649 00:27:53,840 --> 00:27:54,600 I didn't want to. 650 00:27:54,600 --> 00:27:59,000 I'm just feeling awful all the time, and whining, and complaining, 651 00:27:59,000 --> 00:28:01,560 and sniveling. 652 00:28:01,560 --> 00:28:02,860 And I love that. 653 00:28:02,860 --> 00:28:03,360 I love that. 654 00:28:03,360 --> 00:28:03,940 No sniveling. 655 00:28:03,940 --> 00:28:05,640 I love it. 656 00:28:05,640 --> 00:28:11,140 And I just kept showing up when the convention time came around. 657 00:28:11,140 --> 00:28:15,640 And I remember it had been close to a year or so. 658 00:28:15,640 --> 00:28:18,720 And we were getting ready for the convention that whole time. 659 00:28:18,720 --> 00:28:21,400 And Convention Weekend came around. 660 00:28:21,400 --> 00:28:23,320 And I remember driving to the convention. 661 00:28:23,320 --> 00:28:26,160 I'd been finished with my therapy. 662 00:28:26,160 --> 00:28:29,320 And I was working with my sponsor, and going to my meetings, and sharing. 663 00:28:29,320 --> 00:28:31,360 And I had really started to feel good. 664 00:28:31,360 --> 00:28:32,960 And I felt comfortable in my own skin. 665 00:28:32,960 --> 00:28:34,100 I said, hey, I'm OK. 666 00:28:34,100 --> 00:28:35,120 I'm OK now. 667 00:28:35,120 --> 00:28:36,040 I feel OK. 668 00:28:36,040 --> 00:28:39,080 I said, God, if you want me to be alone, then just show me 669 00:28:39,080 --> 00:28:40,040 what you want me to do. 670 00:28:40,040 --> 00:28:43,720 Just put it in front of me, because I'm stupid. 671 00:28:43,720 --> 00:28:45,920 I need to be guided. 672 00:28:45,920 --> 00:28:50,600 And he said, OK, here's what I have for you. 673 00:28:50,600 --> 00:28:53,640 And I showed up at that convention. 674 00:28:53,640 --> 00:28:58,400 And I had to be of service, because I was the chairman of the computer 675 00:28:58,400 --> 00:28:58,900 committee. 676 00:28:58,900 --> 00:29:03,320 And the chairperson of the registration was a lady. 677 00:29:03,320 --> 00:29:05,440 You can see where this is going already, can't you? 678 00:29:05,440 --> 00:29:07,040 You guys are very smart. 679 00:29:07,040 --> 00:29:08,800 We had to work together that whole weekend. 680 00:29:08,800 --> 00:29:11,800 And we started talking. 681 00:29:11,800 --> 00:29:15,200 We kind of related. 682 00:29:15,200 --> 00:29:19,280 And I remember on Saturday night, I was out there. 683 00:29:19,280 --> 00:29:21,440 Everyone was inside the dance. 684 00:29:21,440 --> 00:29:23,520 And I was outside taking care of some stuff. 685 00:29:23,520 --> 00:29:24,280 And she came out. 686 00:29:24,280 --> 00:29:26,760 And she said, you can get one of these other guys to do that. 687 00:29:26,760 --> 00:29:28,960 You've got to come inside and dance. 688 00:29:28,960 --> 00:29:30,400 And she took me inside. 689 00:29:30,400 --> 00:29:32,520 And we're inside, and we're dancing and everything. 690 00:29:32,520 --> 00:29:34,760 She goes, come on, there's someone I want you to meet. 691 00:29:34,760 --> 00:29:36,520 And she took me to meet her sponsor. 692 00:29:36,520 --> 00:29:37,880 That's like meeting her parents. 693 00:29:37,880 --> 00:29:45,120 And so somehow I must have got the thumbs up from the sponsor. 694 00:29:45,120 --> 00:29:46,480 And we hung out for the weekend. 695 00:29:46,480 --> 00:29:49,240 And on Sunday, she asked me if I wanted to get together. 696 00:29:49,240 --> 00:29:52,200 And I said, OK. 697 00:29:52,200 --> 00:29:54,360 And we wound up getting together. 698 00:29:54,360 --> 00:29:55,600 We went to In-N-Out. 699 00:29:55,600 --> 00:29:57,040 We went and saw a movie. 700 00:29:57,040 --> 00:29:58,480 And I remember thinking to myself 701 00:29:58,480 --> 00:30:01,520 when she asked me if we should get together that night, 702 00:30:01,520 --> 00:30:04,600 I remember thinking, but I don't want to get married again. 703 00:30:04,600 --> 00:30:07,520 I went to my sponsor, and I said, 704 00:30:07,520 --> 00:30:09,440 I don't think I'm ready for a relationship. 705 00:30:09,440 --> 00:30:11,200 I don't think I want to get married again. 706 00:30:11,200 --> 00:30:14,840 And he said, just go on the date. 707 00:30:14,840 --> 00:30:18,080 It's just a date. 708 00:30:18,080 --> 00:30:22,640 Because I like to live way down there. 709 00:30:22,640 --> 00:30:24,280 When God is right here in this moment, 710 00:30:24,280 --> 00:30:26,120 I need to stay in this moment. 711 00:30:26,120 --> 00:30:27,800 And I've learned that here. 712 00:30:27,800 --> 00:30:29,840 And so we went to In-N-Out. 713 00:30:29,840 --> 00:30:33,840 Like I said, we went to a movie, and we spent the next almost 714 00:30:33,840 --> 00:30:36,920 year dating. 715 00:30:36,920 --> 00:30:40,720 And my sponsor had gotten me involved in Al-Anon at the time. 716 00:30:40,720 --> 00:30:41,680 I was going to Al-Anon. 717 00:30:41,680 --> 00:30:45,480 I had all these Al-Anon ladies telling me to be careful. 718 00:30:45,480 --> 00:30:48,560 She's an alcoholic. 719 00:30:48,560 --> 00:30:50,200 I said, I know. 720 00:30:50,200 --> 00:30:54,560 And we wound up really-- 721 00:30:54,560 --> 00:30:59,920 I mean, I knew long before, probably 722 00:30:59,920 --> 00:31:02,680 within a couple months, I knew she was the one for me. 723 00:31:02,680 --> 00:31:05,400 I was head over heels. 724 00:31:05,400 --> 00:31:10,920 And just shy of a year later, I took her to In-N-Out. 725 00:31:10,920 --> 00:31:15,920 And when I went to pick up the order from the counter-- 726 00:31:15,920 --> 00:31:17,800 I mean, the place is packed on a Friday night. 727 00:31:17,800 --> 00:31:19,880 And I got the order of French fries. 728 00:31:19,880 --> 00:31:22,160 And you guys who have been to In-N-Out, 729 00:31:22,160 --> 00:31:25,720 they put a napkin over the French fries. 730 00:31:25,720 --> 00:31:28,600 And I picked up the napkin, and I put a ring 731 00:31:28,600 --> 00:31:30,960 on one of the French fries. 732 00:31:30,960 --> 00:31:32,880 And I put the napkin back over it, 733 00:31:32,880 --> 00:31:35,160 and I brought it over to the table. 734 00:31:35,160 --> 00:31:37,160 And I sat down, and I just waited. 735 00:31:37,160 --> 00:31:39,680 And the place is just crazy. 736 00:31:39,680 --> 00:31:42,120 And she's talking-- we're practically 737 00:31:42,120 --> 00:31:44,840 having to scream at each other to hear each other. 738 00:31:44,840 --> 00:31:46,440 And I'm-- that's five? 739 00:31:46,440 --> 00:31:47,960 OK. 740 00:31:47,960 --> 00:31:50,800 So I see that she is sitting there and talking, 741 00:31:50,800 --> 00:31:52,560 and she's reaching into the other side. 742 00:31:52,560 --> 00:31:54,120 She hasn't even taken the napkin off yet. 743 00:31:54,120 --> 00:31:55,880 Now, she's reaching in under the napkin, 744 00:31:55,880 --> 00:31:57,920 and she's taking out French fries and eating them. 745 00:31:57,920 --> 00:31:59,960 I'm thinking it's going to fall or something. 746 00:31:59,960 --> 00:32:02,760 And so she finally grabs the napkin, and she takes it off. 747 00:32:02,760 --> 00:32:05,560 And she looks down, and she just bursts into tears. 748 00:32:05,560 --> 00:32:08,920 And as she's bursting into tears, I'm down on one knee. 749 00:32:08,920 --> 00:32:11,520 And I'm asking her to marry me. 750 00:32:11,520 --> 00:32:13,960 And in my mind, everybody in the place 751 00:32:13,960 --> 00:32:16,600 was going to see this and start applauding. 752 00:32:16,600 --> 00:32:18,360 Nobody said anything. 753 00:32:18,360 --> 00:32:19,160 Nobody did anything. 754 00:32:19,160 --> 00:32:20,840 They just kept eating. 755 00:32:20,840 --> 00:32:22,960 Like, what's wrong with these people? 756 00:32:22,960 --> 00:32:25,320 But she said yes. 757 00:32:25,320 --> 00:32:30,760 And we wound up getting married about six months later. 758 00:32:30,760 --> 00:32:34,920 And this past June, we celebrated 759 00:32:34,920 --> 00:32:37,480 20 years of marriage. 760 00:32:37,480 --> 00:32:40,200 And on Thanksgiving Day-- 761 00:32:40,200 --> 00:32:45,920 because she had two kids that I've met and love like my own. 762 00:32:45,920 --> 00:32:51,680 And one of them, my daughter got married on Thanksgiving Day, 763 00:32:51,680 --> 00:32:53,520 and she asked me to walk her down the aisle. 764 00:32:53,520 --> 00:32:57,600 So she had two dads walking her down the aisle. 765 00:32:57,600 --> 00:33:02,960 And this program has given me a life. 766 00:33:02,960 --> 00:33:07,480 I have a job today that I didn't think I would ever have. 767 00:33:07,480 --> 00:33:10,120 I work with computers, and I'm responsible for the computer 768 00:33:10,120 --> 00:33:11,360 network that I work for. 769 00:33:11,360 --> 00:33:12,880 I have keys to the building. 770 00:33:12,880 --> 00:33:13,800 I have the alarm codes. 771 00:33:13,800 --> 00:33:14,960 I have everything. 772 00:33:14,960 --> 00:33:17,080 They don't know who I am. 773 00:33:17,080 --> 00:33:20,680 And it's all because of rooms like this and people like you 774 00:33:20,680 --> 00:33:23,320 sharing your experience, strength, and hope with me. 775 00:33:23,320 --> 00:33:26,400 And the loving God that I found by listening to you 776 00:33:26,400 --> 00:33:29,680 in these rooms, that I have any of this stuff. 777 00:33:29,680 --> 00:33:32,080 I have a relationship with my family. 778 00:33:32,080 --> 00:33:34,200 When I first got sober, my sisters 779 00:33:34,200 --> 00:33:36,120 wouldn't let me be in the room alone 780 00:33:36,120 --> 00:33:38,280 with my niece and my nephew. 781 00:33:38,280 --> 00:33:42,840 My nieces and my nephew, they were afraid of what I might do. 782 00:33:42,840 --> 00:33:45,360 And today, they love me. 783 00:33:45,360 --> 00:33:50,040 And my nieces are sending me texts all the time. 784 00:33:50,040 --> 00:33:51,360 I'm graduating. 785 00:33:51,360 --> 00:33:53,120 Will you come to my graduation? 786 00:33:53,120 --> 00:33:54,880 And I'm getting married. 787 00:33:54,880 --> 00:33:56,000 Will you come to my wedding? 788 00:33:56,000 --> 00:33:58,240 And it's like, I could have missed all of this stuff. 789 00:33:58,240 --> 00:34:00,320 I have friends today that are real friends that I 790 00:34:00,320 --> 00:34:02,840 know will be there for me no matter what. 791 00:34:02,840 --> 00:34:06,440 And I've learned to be a friend, to care about other people, 792 00:34:06,440 --> 00:34:08,840 and to be able to do things for fun and for free. 793 00:34:08,840 --> 00:34:11,200 It's one of the hardest concepts for a selfish alcoholic 794 00:34:11,200 --> 00:34:14,960 like this because I'm always looking for what's in it for me. 795 00:34:14,960 --> 00:34:18,280 But I've learned here how to actually give and not 796 00:34:18,280 --> 00:34:19,760 expect anything in return. 797 00:34:19,760 --> 00:34:21,480 And that's one of the biggest joys 798 00:34:21,480 --> 00:34:23,480 that I think a human being can have. 799 00:34:23,480 --> 00:34:25,800 And when my heart is full because I've 800 00:34:25,800 --> 00:34:28,840 been able to help you somehow, that's 801 00:34:28,840 --> 00:34:31,640 one of the best joys I think any human being can ever feel, 802 00:34:31,640 --> 00:34:32,920 at least this guy. 803 00:34:32,920 --> 00:34:35,920 So I'm grateful to be here tonight. 804 00:34:35,920 --> 00:34:37,480 Thanks again to Alex. 805 00:34:37,480 --> 00:34:39,920 You guys have a fantastic group. 806 00:34:39,920 --> 00:34:42,920 I love coming into this room. 807 00:34:42,920 --> 00:34:45,680 The energy here is fantastic. 808 00:34:45,680 --> 00:34:49,560 The friendliness that I've felt over the years from you guys, 809 00:34:49,560 --> 00:34:51,040 I appreciate it so much. 810 00:34:51,040 --> 00:34:53,280 And thanks so much.