1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:01,380
 - Thank you.

2
00:00:01,380 --> 00:00:03,160
 Hi, I'm Carrie, I'm an alcoholic.

3
00:00:03,160 --> 00:00:06,780
 Thank you, Alex, for picking my name off the list.

4
00:00:06,780 --> 00:00:11,800
 I wanna thank all of you for being so welcoming to me.

5
00:00:11,800 --> 00:00:13,840
 So many of you, and I guess that's a tradition

6
00:00:13,840 --> 00:00:16,400
 in this group, put your hand out,

7
00:00:16,400 --> 00:00:20,120
 say hello with a smile in your face and your eyes too.

8
00:00:20,120 --> 00:00:23,900
 And you reminded me, I have one of my regular meetings

9
00:00:23,900 --> 00:00:26,560
 as a newcomer's meeting on Friday night in Studio City,

10
00:00:26,560 --> 00:00:29,080
 and I'm not doing that.

11
00:00:29,080 --> 00:00:32,740
 And as someone who has time, I should be doing that.

12
00:00:32,740 --> 00:00:35,680
 And maybe if I do that, I'll be an example to the others.

13
00:00:35,680 --> 00:00:37,560
 We're supposed to do that with the newcomers, right?

14
00:00:37,560 --> 00:00:40,000
 That's the whole point of the newcomer meeting.

15
00:00:40,000 --> 00:00:44,300
 So my sobriety date is January 20th, 2003.

16
00:00:44,300 --> 00:00:49,980
 I just turned 17, and the view is fine from here.

17
00:00:49,980 --> 00:00:51,000
 It's very nice.

18
00:00:51,000 --> 00:00:54,800
 That doesn't mean that I have any sort of,

19
00:00:54,800 --> 00:00:55,960
 I don't get a medal.

20
00:00:55,960 --> 00:00:57,640
 Well, you could get medallions.

21
00:00:57,640 --> 00:01:00,400
 But my sobriety isn't necessarily any better

22
00:01:00,400 --> 00:01:02,640
 to someone who has six months or five years.

23
00:01:02,640 --> 00:01:05,420
 I mean, that doesn't, it's not an indication

24
00:01:05,420 --> 00:01:09,500
 of spiritual, emotional sobriety.

25
00:01:09,500 --> 00:01:14,500
 But I have pretty good sobriety, and I'm happy.

26
00:01:14,500 --> 00:01:17,280
 I can't believe I'm happy to be sober.

27
00:01:17,280 --> 00:01:18,680
 And that I'm still here, right?

28
00:01:18,680 --> 00:01:23,160
 Like when I came in, and I had tried a few times

29
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 here and there, but I just wasn't ready yet.

30
00:01:26,940 --> 00:01:29,000
 And I was thinking this, well, I guess,

31
00:01:29,000 --> 00:01:29,920
 should I go all the way back to my,

32
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 you guys talked about your parents.

33
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 I just like that when you talk about when you're,

34
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 the house that you grew up in,

35
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 someone is gonna relate and other people aren't.

36
00:01:37,800 --> 00:01:39,280
 But what I like is that it shows

37
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 that's not necessarily what got you here.

38
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 There's all kinds of paths,

39
00:01:43,640 --> 00:01:47,120
 paths to alcoholism and then to AA.

40
00:01:47,120 --> 00:01:49,380
 My dad did drink.

41
00:01:49,380 --> 00:01:51,540
 He's a daily drinker, but he was never drunk.

42
00:01:51,540 --> 00:01:54,720
 He drank probably two drinks a night,

43
00:01:54,720 --> 00:01:57,000
 but he was sort of a rageaholic.

44
00:01:57,000 --> 00:02:01,640
 So I totally qualify for adult children of alcoholics.

45
00:02:01,640 --> 00:02:03,700
 I gotta check out one of those meetings.

46
00:02:03,700 --> 00:02:06,160
 Because the way that I am,

47
00:02:06,160 --> 00:02:07,720
 I don't know if it's necessarily

48
00:02:07,720 --> 00:02:09,220
 because of the house I grew up in,

49
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 but I was yelled at a lot, and I was told I was stupid,

50
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 you know, and no good and lazy.

51
00:02:14,520 --> 00:02:17,040
 And that is the voice in my head.

52
00:02:17,040 --> 00:02:21,600
 I don't resent my father because of this program.

53
00:02:21,600 --> 00:02:23,920
 And in fact, I had been sober a few years,

54
00:02:23,920 --> 00:02:26,680
 and I went home, and he flipped out on me.

55
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 I'm an adult, you know, and I go back home,

56
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 and I'm sober, and he flipped out on me,

57
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 and I pulled whatever book I brought.

58
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 I think it was "As Bill Sees It" or something.

59
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 I don't know, it was a book, and it just washed over me

60
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 that I don't need to feel sorry for myself

61
00:02:41,240 --> 00:02:42,700
 that I have a father like that.

62
00:02:42,700 --> 00:02:46,160
 I need to feel sorry for him that he's like that,

63
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 and grateful that I have a program,

64
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 and I have tools to escape the burden of my emotions

65
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 and my mental illness, you know, which is part of my disease.

66
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 So like at that moment, it just sort of,

67
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 and I had done work too and stuff,

68
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 but you know, I think it comes, it just comes in pieces.

69
00:03:04,800 --> 00:03:07,660
 And when that came over me, like I was really able

70
00:03:07,660 --> 00:03:10,240
 to forgive him and just see him as what they say,

71
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 another sick human being, and not in a, you know,

72
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 oh, he's sick, not in that kind of way, like in a real way.

73
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 Like this person isn't well, and I'm often not well,

74
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 and I really wasn't well before I got sober.

75
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 So to have some compassion for somebody else.

76
00:03:26,040 --> 00:03:28,320
 But I couldn't wait to drink.

77
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 My first drug was TV and candy and daydreaming and playing.

78
00:03:34,840 --> 00:03:38,960
 And when I was a kid, that was one of the notes

79
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 from my teacher to my mom.

80
00:03:41,080 --> 00:03:43,400
 Carrie talks a lot and daydreams a lot.

81
00:03:43,400 --> 00:03:46,280
 And I don't know, but that's where I'm at.

82
00:03:46,280 --> 00:03:51,260
 And I always felt like I was on the outside looking in.

83
00:03:51,260 --> 00:03:53,320
 And I don't know if that means,

84
00:03:53,320 --> 00:03:55,040
 I don't know if I felt all these ways,

85
00:03:55,040 --> 00:03:56,600
 and I don't know if it's because I'm an alcoholic.

86
00:03:56,600 --> 00:03:59,640
 I feel like it is because even though I've gotten sober

87
00:03:59,640 --> 00:04:03,500
 and I've gotten tools and I've gone through things sober,

88
00:04:03,500 --> 00:04:05,560
 that is my, that's my base.

89
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 My base is I'm not enough, nothing is okay.

90
00:04:09,760 --> 00:04:11,460
 Nothing's ever gonna be okay.

91
00:04:11,460 --> 00:04:14,160
 Like that, and that's the way I grew up feeling.

92
00:04:14,160 --> 00:04:17,640
 And so of course you guys know alcohol helped that

93
00:04:17,640 --> 00:04:18,520
 quite a bit.

94
00:04:19,480 --> 00:04:21,640
 I could be around people 'cause I always wanted

95
00:04:21,640 --> 00:04:22,960
 to be around people.

96
00:04:22,960 --> 00:04:24,920
 I wanted friends and I wanted to be social,

97
00:04:24,920 --> 00:04:27,580
 but my fears got in the way of that.

98
00:04:27,580 --> 00:04:29,880
 So of course alcohol,

99
00:04:29,880 --> 00:04:33,000
 I started drinking when I was 12, I think.

100
00:04:33,000 --> 00:04:36,560
 And it quickly became, it was a weekly thing for me.

101
00:04:36,560 --> 00:04:39,060
 I was sneaking drinks and smoking cigarettes

102
00:04:39,060 --> 00:04:41,700
 and cutting school at about 13 years old.

103
00:04:41,700 --> 00:04:46,120
 And throughout high school and in my early 20s,

104
00:04:46,120 --> 00:04:48,120
 alcohol was always something

105
00:04:48,120 --> 00:04:50,600
 that I definitely had to have as a companion.

106
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 It was, I loved going to parties and doing the things,

107
00:04:53,240 --> 00:04:55,720
 but really none of that was gonna happen

108
00:04:55,720 --> 00:04:57,880
 unless I had my alcohol with me,

109
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 that I knew where I was gonna get it.

110
00:04:58,920 --> 00:05:00,560
 Like, why would you wanna do anything

111
00:05:00,560 --> 00:05:03,000
 if there wasn't gonna be booze there?

112
00:05:03,000 --> 00:05:06,960
 But there, I just, there was a dark point

113
00:05:06,960 --> 00:05:10,040
 in my budding alcoholism.

114
00:05:10,040 --> 00:05:13,800
 I was definitely dependent upon it and didn't know.

115
00:05:13,800 --> 00:05:16,520
 When you're a teenager in your early 20s,

116
00:05:16,520 --> 00:05:18,840
 you think alcoholic means you like alcohol.

117
00:05:18,840 --> 00:05:20,840
 Well, yeah, I'm an alcoholic.

118
00:05:20,840 --> 00:05:25,120
 You know, but there came a point where it was getting dark

119
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 and it was like, I would just keep,

120
00:05:26,400 --> 00:05:28,800
 I had friends who didn't keep up with me

121
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 and would get really wasted and pass out.

122
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 And I thought, you know, they shouldn't drink so much.

123
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 You know, like they had a problem, but I was cool.

124
00:05:36,300 --> 00:05:37,920
 Once I learned how to not puke,

125
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 I was beer bong and I was up all night, it was fun.

126
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 But then it became just where I was getting sloppy.

127
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 And it became where I started feeling way more isolated

128
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 and angry at the world.

129
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 And I moved here when I was like 24, I think,

130
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 and I had no friends

131
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 and I was absolutely dependent on alcohol

132
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 and I could not go a day without it.

133
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 And I think at first I thought,

134
00:06:04,400 --> 00:06:06,800
 well, you're just trying to have a little party at home

135
00:06:06,800 --> 00:06:10,180
 'cause there's no one else to have a party with or whatever.

136
00:06:10,180 --> 00:06:12,120
 But that was every night, you know?

137
00:06:12,120 --> 00:06:14,760
 And when you wake up on a Wednesday hungover

138
00:06:14,760 --> 00:06:18,680
 because you were drinking too much by yourself again,

139
00:06:18,680 --> 00:06:22,880
 at some point you gotta, I did, I confronted him.

140
00:06:22,880 --> 00:06:24,680
 I was like, wow, you've got a problem.

141
00:06:24,680 --> 00:06:27,840
 And I was like, okay, well, I'm just gonna get it together.

142
00:06:27,840 --> 00:06:30,320
 You know, like I've gained weight, I've lost weight.

143
00:06:30,320 --> 00:06:33,160
 You know, I figured out I'll lose this dependence,

144
00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:34,440
 you know, this habit.

145
00:06:34,440 --> 00:06:37,620
 And I was like, I'll go to the gym.

146
00:06:37,620 --> 00:06:39,360
 I know, I'll go to the gym.

147
00:06:39,360 --> 00:06:42,800
 And I couldn't, I could not not drink.

148
00:06:42,800 --> 00:06:44,420
 You know, once you get to that point where you're like,

149
00:06:44,420 --> 00:06:45,780
 oh, okay, I'm gonna get it together

150
00:06:45,780 --> 00:06:48,920
 and then you absolutely cannot.

151
00:06:48,920 --> 00:06:50,960
 It's really scary.

152
00:06:50,960 --> 00:06:52,560
 It was really scary for me.

153
00:06:52,560 --> 00:06:55,160
 And I was getting really dark and I was just sort of,

154
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 'cause I could not imagine a life without alcohol.

155
00:06:57,780 --> 00:07:00,200
 So I really felt like I was at that jumping off point.

156
00:07:00,200 --> 00:07:02,360
 It was like, I'm either gonna get sober

157
00:07:02,360 --> 00:07:04,920
 'cause now I know I can't even just control it on my own

158
00:07:04,920 --> 00:07:07,120
 or I'm gonna keep going the way I'm going.

159
00:07:07,120 --> 00:07:10,800
 And my favorite movie at that time was "Barfly."

160
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 Do you guys know that movie?

161
00:07:12,280 --> 00:07:13,440
 The young kids don't.

162
00:07:13,440 --> 00:07:16,200
 It's Mickey Rourke and he's playing Bukowski,

163
00:07:16,200 --> 00:07:19,800
 who's this drunk poet and he's just really drunk.

164
00:07:19,800 --> 00:07:22,420
 And I'm like, well, and there's Faye Dunaway.

165
00:07:22,420 --> 00:07:25,220
 She was a beautiful woman, big actress.

166
00:07:25,220 --> 00:07:26,280
 She was a drunk too.

167
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 And she got a boyfriend.

168
00:07:27,720 --> 00:07:30,840
 She lived downtown in an abandoned apartment building

169
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 and she had a boyfriend who bought her booze.

170
00:07:32,400 --> 00:07:34,920
 And I'm like, all right, maybe that's the way I go.

171
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 So for a while I was gonna be Faye Dunaway

172
00:07:37,060 --> 00:07:39,720
 and I was gonna live downtown 'cause I knew

173
00:07:39,720 --> 00:07:41,320
 if I was gonna keep going this way,

174
00:07:41,320 --> 00:07:42,600
 it was just gonna get worse.

175
00:07:42,600 --> 00:07:44,560
 And so for a while I decided

176
00:07:44,560 --> 00:07:47,020
 that that was what I was gonna do.

177
00:07:47,020 --> 00:07:49,440
 But then it gets worse and then, listen,

178
00:07:49,440 --> 00:07:51,960
 I don't have the story where I got the DUI,

179
00:07:51,960 --> 00:07:53,400
 but I should have, right?

180
00:07:53,400 --> 00:07:56,120
 I don't have the story where I lost the job,

181
00:07:56,120 --> 00:07:57,200
 but I should have.

182
00:07:57,200 --> 00:08:00,040
 And in fact, I can't work in that industry anymore.

183
00:08:00,040 --> 00:08:04,120
 All those things that could have happened to me, didn't.

184
00:08:04,120 --> 00:08:07,560
 But coming into this room, I know they could.

185
00:08:07,560 --> 00:08:09,720
 They just, it hasn't happened yet.

186
00:08:09,720 --> 00:08:12,440
 I haven't gotten the DUI yet.

187
00:08:12,440 --> 00:08:14,560
 I haven't lost the job yet.

188
00:08:14,560 --> 00:08:17,120
 I haven't gotten diseases yet.

189
00:08:17,120 --> 00:08:18,920
 I haven't gotten addicted to heroin yet.

190
00:08:18,920 --> 00:08:22,080
 I see the people that come to these rooms,

191
00:08:22,080 --> 00:08:23,380
 have great sobriety, whatever,

192
00:08:23,380 --> 00:08:25,480
 and for whatever reason they need to go out

193
00:08:25,480 --> 00:08:29,000
 and they try something new 'cause they've, I guess,

194
00:08:29,000 --> 00:08:31,400
 I don't know why, and they die.

195
00:08:31,400 --> 00:08:33,780
 'Cause it is, there are things out there now

196
00:08:33,780 --> 00:08:35,840
 that kill people a lot faster than they used to.

197
00:08:35,840 --> 00:08:36,840
 And you don't know.

198
00:08:36,840 --> 00:08:38,440
 I heard they're putting it in cocaine.

199
00:08:38,440 --> 00:08:41,440
 And I was like, geez, I would have been in big trouble.

200
00:08:41,440 --> 00:08:42,400
 Can you imagine?

201
00:08:42,400 --> 00:08:43,840
 'Cause there's certain people who are like,

202
00:08:43,840 --> 00:08:45,480
 I don't wanna do downers, I wanna do uppers.

203
00:08:45,480 --> 00:08:46,960
 The booze is my downer.

204
00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:50,760
 And then to die from opioid from doing a line.

205
00:08:50,760 --> 00:08:53,080
 I mean, even normal people do a line once in a while.

206
00:08:53,080 --> 00:08:57,520
 So that's serious.

207
00:08:57,520 --> 00:09:02,040
 So what got me finally to the rooms,

208
00:09:02,040 --> 00:09:05,760
 my journey into AA, this point.

209
00:09:05,760 --> 00:09:08,040
 And I forgot to tell you, I have been,

210
00:09:08,040 --> 00:09:11,600
 I've always been drawn to suicidal thoughts

211
00:09:11,600 --> 00:09:13,520
 since I was 10 years old.

212
00:09:13,520 --> 00:09:16,420
 And so that's always been, that's always my go-to.

213
00:09:16,420 --> 00:09:19,760
 It's still my base where when things aren't going right,

214
00:09:19,760 --> 00:09:21,340
 I don't think about a drink.

215
00:09:21,340 --> 00:09:23,340
 I mean, that's a fate worse than death,

216
00:09:23,340 --> 00:09:28,340
 but just checking out forever is where I always go mentally.

217
00:09:28,880 --> 00:09:33,520
 So, but I came, I was at a friend's house

218
00:09:33,520 --> 00:09:36,840
 and I came to talking to her husband.

219
00:09:36,840 --> 00:09:41,200
 It's like that story in the book where the woman comes to

220
00:09:41,200 --> 00:09:43,040
 and the other woman's talking to her about sobriety and stuff

221
00:09:43,040 --> 00:09:43,880
 and she's drinking coffee.

222
00:09:43,880 --> 00:09:45,700
 She's like, where the hell am I?

223
00:09:45,700 --> 00:09:49,080
 That happened to me and it scared me to death.

224
00:09:49,080 --> 00:09:51,520
 'Cause last thing, I remembered what I was went to bed

225
00:09:51,520 --> 00:09:54,880
 and I wasn't a blackout drinker, but I drank alone a lot.

226
00:09:54,880 --> 00:09:58,420
 So I don't really know if I was a blackout drinker.

227
00:09:58,420 --> 00:10:01,960
 And I think I probably was, but you know,

228
00:10:01,960 --> 00:10:03,040
 'cause that happened to me.

229
00:10:03,040 --> 00:10:07,040
 So I actually went to, my sister-in-law picked me up

230
00:10:07,040 --> 00:10:08,420
 from the airport 'cause I was out of town

231
00:10:08,420 --> 00:10:10,400
 and I turned to her 'cause she drank like me.

232
00:10:10,400 --> 00:10:12,840
 And I said, Marla, I'm going to AA.

233
00:10:12,840 --> 00:10:14,480
 Like that's how serious it is, I'm going to AA.

234
00:10:14,480 --> 00:10:17,080
 And she turned to me and she had a black eye

235
00:10:17,080 --> 00:10:18,960
 and she said, well, I'll beat you there.

236
00:10:18,960 --> 00:10:21,960
 And that she got that, she was holding her baby

237
00:10:21,960 --> 00:10:24,720
 and she fell down, she took care of the baby,

238
00:10:24,720 --> 00:10:27,240
 but her face hit the cement, right?

239
00:10:27,240 --> 00:10:32,240
 So we both went to AA and it lasted about a month or so.

240
00:10:32,240 --> 00:10:35,360
 You know, I was like, God, ah.

241
00:10:35,360 --> 00:10:37,800
 I was raised in the Lutheran religion,

242
00:10:37,800 --> 00:10:40,520
 which I hear is like Catholic light or something.

243
00:10:40,520 --> 00:10:43,000
 Like I was not about that.

244
00:10:43,000 --> 00:10:46,680
 I'm no, I'm too smart and liberal for a God.

245
00:10:46,680 --> 00:10:49,960
 I don't want that, he doesn't want me, I don't want him.

246
00:10:49,960 --> 00:10:52,360
 So I didn't like that and not drinking forever.

247
00:10:52,360 --> 00:10:54,760
 I was like white knuckling it and this is ridiculous.

248
00:10:54,760 --> 00:10:55,680
 So I took that book.

249
00:10:55,680 --> 00:10:57,240
 So I think I was sober like maybe a month.

250
00:10:57,240 --> 00:10:59,320
 I took the book that someone gave me, I still have it.

251
00:10:59,320 --> 00:11:01,000
 And I put it in my underwear drawer

252
00:11:01,000 --> 00:11:02,560
 'cause I knew I was going to need it,

253
00:11:02,560 --> 00:11:04,500
 but I was going to try just a little bit harder.

254
00:11:04,500 --> 00:11:07,080
 And I did and things just got worse.

255
00:11:07,080 --> 00:11:09,280
 And now at this point, like I definitely,

256
00:11:09,280 --> 00:11:12,420
 I know I'm an alcoholic and that's waiting for me.

257
00:11:12,420 --> 00:11:14,840
 And it's just, I don't know how much,

258
00:11:14,840 --> 00:11:17,320
 I don't know how long it took me to finally come back

259
00:11:17,320 --> 00:11:18,640
 and really try this thing.

260
00:11:18,640 --> 00:11:21,400
 But I do remember driving around with Marla,

261
00:11:21,400 --> 00:11:23,520
 this is in Sherman Oaks and we drove

262
00:11:23,520 --> 00:11:26,040
 and I was talking to her in the car about,

263
00:11:26,040 --> 00:11:27,880
 oh, I got hung over again, whatever.

264
00:11:27,880 --> 00:11:31,000
 And she's, we drive right by Noble, Dickens and Noble.

265
00:11:31,000 --> 00:11:32,360
 There was a meeting spot

266
00:11:32,360 --> 00:11:34,120
 and there's all these people outside with a can.

267
00:11:34,120 --> 00:11:36,200
 And she's like, well, you want to end up like them?

268
00:11:36,200 --> 00:11:41,200
 And I'm like, no, no, I'll try harder again, yet again.

269
00:11:41,200 --> 00:11:45,640
 I couldn't, here's the breaking point, okay.

270
00:11:45,640 --> 00:11:49,960
 I drank every day, I was pretty resigned to that.

271
00:11:49,960 --> 00:11:52,440
 The problem really was it didn't work anymore.

272
00:11:52,440 --> 00:11:54,320
 And that's how I got here.

273
00:11:54,320 --> 00:11:56,600
 'Cause I would drink and drink and drink

274
00:11:56,600 --> 00:11:59,520
 and still be really dead inside and full of pain.

275
00:11:59,520 --> 00:12:01,700
 It did not do anything for me.

276
00:12:01,700 --> 00:12:05,240
 And to have a hangover for something

277
00:12:05,240 --> 00:12:07,720
 that doesn't work anymore, it's not worth it.

278
00:12:07,720 --> 00:12:10,560
 And I was just, and not only it's not worth it,

279
00:12:10,560 --> 00:12:11,400
 what am I gonna do?

280
00:12:11,400 --> 00:12:13,120
 That's my everything.

281
00:12:13,120 --> 00:12:18,120
 That's my lover, my best friend, my God is booze,

282
00:12:18,120 --> 00:12:20,800
 wine, whatever.

283
00:12:20,800 --> 00:12:23,440
 And I wanted to, I definitely, I was very suicidal

284
00:12:23,440 --> 00:12:24,280
 at that point.

285
00:12:24,280 --> 00:12:25,140
 I just couldn't do it.

286
00:12:25,140 --> 00:12:26,560
 And I'll tell you, this is the thing.

287
00:12:26,560 --> 00:12:29,020
 I was gonna cut myself,

288
00:12:29,020 --> 00:12:30,520
 'cause I used to cut myself as a kid.

289
00:12:30,520 --> 00:12:31,760
 I wasn't gonna commit suicide.

290
00:12:31,760 --> 00:12:35,380
 I just, I had so much anger and rage and pain

291
00:12:35,380 --> 00:12:38,400
 and something threw it out of my hand.

292
00:12:38,400 --> 00:12:42,240
 I just, it threw across the room and I just collapsed

293
00:12:42,240 --> 00:12:44,280
 and I was crying and I passed out.

294
00:12:44,280 --> 00:12:47,320
 And I came to the next morning, it was a Sunday morning

295
00:12:47,320 --> 00:12:49,360
 and there was a preacher on TV and he said,

296
00:12:49,360 --> 00:12:50,920
 "Raise your hands in Jesus."

297
00:12:50,920 --> 00:12:52,280
 And I said, "Fuck it."

298
00:12:52,280 --> 00:12:54,480
 Oh, I'm sorry, I'm not supposed to swear.

299
00:12:54,480 --> 00:12:55,600
 But I did say that.

300
00:12:55,600 --> 00:12:58,720
 Epid, I'm, I can't do this anymore.

301
00:12:58,720 --> 00:13:03,440
 I'm ready to talk to God, do whatever.

302
00:13:03,440 --> 00:13:04,800
 And my hands started tingling.

303
00:13:04,800 --> 00:13:05,940
 I was like, whoa.

304
00:13:05,940 --> 00:13:06,800
 But there's definitely now,

305
00:13:06,800 --> 00:13:09,720
 something's just the blood just running out of my hands.

306
00:13:09,720 --> 00:13:12,320
 But I did, so I went to Radford Hall.

307
00:13:12,320 --> 00:13:15,580
 That's where I got sober, it was on Ventura.

308
00:13:15,580 --> 00:13:16,420
 Back in the day, they'd say,

309
00:13:16,420 --> 00:13:18,080
 "Well, I went to Radford and it was Radford Hall."

310
00:13:18,080 --> 00:13:19,760
 Now it's, I went to Radford and it was on Ventura,

311
00:13:19,760 --> 00:13:21,080
 next to Casa Vega.

312
00:13:21,080 --> 00:13:23,000
 And met Phil Marshall there.

313
00:13:23,000 --> 00:13:24,320
 I'm still friends with him.

314
00:13:24,320 --> 00:13:26,840
 He has like, I don't know, 40, 50 years of sobriety.

315
00:13:26,840 --> 00:13:28,380
 I think he has like 50 years of sobriety now.

316
00:13:28,380 --> 00:13:29,880
 He's the first person I ever talked to

317
00:13:29,880 --> 00:13:31,720
 and he goes to my Friday night meeting with me.

318
00:13:31,720 --> 00:13:34,880
 And it is amazing to still see the people

319
00:13:34,880 --> 00:13:37,480
 that were there when you came in.

320
00:13:37,480 --> 00:13:41,000
 And I know that going to meetings as someone with time,

321
00:13:41,000 --> 00:13:44,040
 it's not just about keeping your sobriety going,

322
00:13:44,040 --> 00:13:44,880
 which it totally is,

323
00:13:44,880 --> 00:13:47,560
 but it's definitely there to be for the newcomer

324
00:13:47,560 --> 00:13:51,360
 and to show consistency that people definitely stay sober

325
00:13:51,360 --> 00:13:53,380
 and they continue to go to the same meetings

326
00:13:53,380 --> 00:13:56,440
 and they're of service to be an example.

327
00:13:56,440 --> 00:13:57,320
 And I don't know.

328
00:13:57,320 --> 00:14:00,160
 So it's really important that they're for me

329
00:14:00,160 --> 00:14:01,480
 and that I can be there for others.

330
00:14:01,480 --> 00:14:04,820
 And I mean, I'm jumping now into what it's like now,

331
00:14:04,820 --> 00:14:06,480
 but I'll go back and forth.

332
00:14:06,480 --> 00:14:09,880
 It is so amazing to me to see people recover.

333
00:14:09,880 --> 00:14:12,880
 I mean, that's what they say, the gifts of this program.

334
00:14:12,880 --> 00:14:15,720
 To see people, well, I see people recover,

335
00:14:15,720 --> 00:14:18,680
 have them make friends or whatever loneliness vanish.

336
00:14:18,680 --> 00:14:21,700
 This is something you must not miss.

337
00:14:21,700 --> 00:14:26,000
 And it's like, what a absolute joy.

338
00:14:26,000 --> 00:14:27,200
 It is such a gift.

339
00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:29,620
 My sobriety is definitely a gift to me and to others

340
00:14:29,620 --> 00:14:32,440
 because I'm not making problems like I used to,

341
00:14:32,440 --> 00:14:34,680
 but just to see it in other people,

342
00:14:34,680 --> 00:14:38,600
 like that is what fills that hole.

343
00:14:38,600 --> 00:14:42,360
 Not only even being helpful and having panels

344
00:14:42,360 --> 00:14:45,600
 and doing whatever I can do, like coming here tonight.

345
00:14:45,600 --> 00:14:47,120
 I figured I would tell you guys something

346
00:14:47,120 --> 00:14:48,920
 and it would help somebody 'cause that's what I pray for.

347
00:14:48,920 --> 00:14:49,940
 Let me be honest and helpful.

348
00:14:49,940 --> 00:14:51,780
 But I knew it was gonna help me.

349
00:14:51,780 --> 00:14:56,780
 And my sobriety right now, my program, it's a little weird.

350
00:14:56,780 --> 00:14:59,800
 I'm not regularly praying like I used to,

351
00:14:59,800 --> 00:15:01,520
 like just did things, got off.

352
00:15:01,520 --> 00:15:04,040
 And what I love the program has taught me is like,

353
00:15:04,040 --> 00:15:05,320
 okay, start again.

354
00:15:05,320 --> 00:15:06,440
 You don't have to go out.

355
00:15:06,440 --> 00:15:07,840
 You don't have to drive it into the ground.

356
00:15:07,840 --> 00:15:09,120
 You don't have to beat yourself up

357
00:15:09,120 --> 00:15:10,440
 'cause that's not humility.

358
00:15:10,440 --> 00:15:12,200
 It's just try again.

359
00:15:12,200 --> 00:15:15,640
 'Cause I know for me, my sobriety is always,

360
00:15:15,640 --> 00:15:17,480
 I'm always changing.

361
00:15:17,480 --> 00:15:19,580
 My program is always changing.

362
00:15:19,580 --> 00:15:24,580
 And the beautiful thing is my sobriety is always growing.

363
00:15:24,580 --> 00:15:28,880
 Well, now I got lost 'cause I got so happy about sobriety.

364
00:15:28,880 --> 00:15:31,020
 Well, anyway, so I came into the rooms

365
00:15:31,020 --> 00:15:33,160
 and let me tell you something, this is super important.

366
00:15:33,160 --> 00:15:37,420
 So I relapsed like three times in early sobriety.

367
00:15:37,420 --> 00:15:40,560
 Now I'm honest, I'm naturally an honest person.

368
00:15:40,560 --> 00:15:42,860
 I see how important it is with this program.

369
00:15:42,860 --> 00:15:44,800
 So I would do what you guys do is raise your hand

370
00:15:44,800 --> 00:15:47,000
 the first 30 days, every day as a newcomer,

371
00:15:47,000 --> 00:15:49,640
 you stand up as a newcomer, take all the chips.

372
00:15:49,640 --> 00:15:50,520
 So I kept doing that.

373
00:15:50,520 --> 00:15:52,280
 So people knew I was relapsing.

374
00:15:52,280 --> 00:15:56,080
 And like one of the last times I relapsed,

375
00:15:56,080 --> 00:15:58,040
 I took the chip and this woman said,

376
00:15:58,040 --> 00:16:00,000
 "Hey honey, why do you keep relapsing?"

377
00:16:00,000 --> 00:16:01,640
 And I said, "I don't know."

378
00:16:01,640 --> 00:16:02,600
 And she said, "Well, you know what?

379
00:16:02,600 --> 00:16:03,860
 "It's not a revolving door.

380
00:16:03,860 --> 00:16:05,280
 "You might not get back in."

381
00:16:05,280 --> 00:16:08,960
 And I, you know, okay, I heard that whatever I'm trying.

382
00:16:08,960 --> 00:16:11,280
 And, but I drank again.

383
00:16:11,280 --> 00:16:15,480
 I went, I got booze and I was sitting in my living room

384
00:16:15,480 --> 00:16:17,920
 and I could tell you now too, this is,

385
00:16:17,920 --> 00:16:21,400
 I've been trying this for a few, for almost a year.

386
00:16:21,400 --> 00:16:24,520
 And I had had some kind of God because when I drank,

387
00:16:24,520 --> 00:16:27,360
 I felt like a lead sheet coming down between me

388
00:16:27,360 --> 00:16:30,640
 and my higher power, even as budding as that relationship

389
00:16:30,640 --> 00:16:33,400
 was, I could feel a disconnect.

390
00:16:33,400 --> 00:16:36,920
 And I got, I felt really scared and also it didn't work.

391
00:16:36,920 --> 00:16:38,960
 You know, it didn't taste as good as I remembered,

392
00:16:38,960 --> 00:16:41,220
 you know, all that, what the mind was telling me,

393
00:16:41,220 --> 00:16:42,460
 it was like, this isn't true.

394
00:16:42,460 --> 00:16:45,360
 And for the first time I heard her say that,

395
00:16:45,360 --> 00:16:48,800
 I heard those words in my head, you might not get back in.

396
00:16:48,800 --> 00:16:51,700
 And then I got scared to death to the core

397
00:16:51,700 --> 00:16:52,760
 that I would stay drunk.

398
00:16:52,760 --> 00:16:54,080
 I would stay like that.

399
00:16:54,080 --> 00:16:57,260
 That I wouldn't have an opportunity to get sober again.

400
00:16:57,260 --> 00:16:59,620
 You know, it took a lot for me to get into the rooms.

401
00:16:59,620 --> 00:17:01,320
 You know, who did I think I was?

402
00:17:01,320 --> 00:17:02,720
 I just come in and out.

403
00:17:02,720 --> 00:17:04,040
 Like she was right.

404
00:17:04,040 --> 00:17:06,280
 That got me sober and I don't remember who it was,

405
00:17:06,280 --> 00:17:08,760
 but I always try to make sure to tell that story

406
00:17:08,760 --> 00:17:11,540
 'cause it's so important for the newcomer

407
00:17:11,540 --> 00:17:13,600
 and the old timers, everyone to hear.

408
00:17:13,600 --> 00:17:16,420
 You know, what you have today, you know,

409
00:17:16,420 --> 00:17:18,080
 you have to keep working on it.

410
00:17:18,080 --> 00:17:20,080
 'Cause if you give it up,

411
00:17:20,080 --> 00:17:21,580
 you don't know that you're gonna come back.

412
00:17:21,580 --> 00:17:23,260
 You don't know that you can come back.

413
00:17:23,260 --> 00:17:24,360
 And we've all seen it.

414
00:17:24,360 --> 00:17:25,760
 If you're around long enough, you see it

415
00:17:25,760 --> 00:17:27,660
 and you hear about the people who have,

416
00:17:27,660 --> 00:17:29,600
 they try and they try and they try

417
00:17:29,600 --> 00:17:31,440
 and they can't get back in.

418
00:17:31,440 --> 00:17:33,920
 But I also wanna tell you, if you have relapsed

419
00:17:33,920 --> 00:17:38,160
 or you are relapsing, if you do relapse, just come back.

420
00:17:38,160 --> 00:17:41,800
 You know, if you can come back, like no one's keeping score.

421
00:17:41,800 --> 00:17:44,960
 I personally just always so happy that

422
00:17:44,960 --> 00:17:46,880
 to see someone come back, that they're here,

423
00:17:46,880 --> 00:17:48,680
 that they're alive, that they have another chance

424
00:17:48,680 --> 00:17:51,240
 and then they'll have a new story to tell and help others.

425
00:17:51,240 --> 00:17:54,920
 Like, you know, nothing is wasted in our sobriety, nothing.

426
00:17:54,920 --> 00:17:57,680
 All those terrible things that happened to us.

427
00:17:57,680 --> 00:17:59,240
 I mean, hopefully through this program,

428
00:17:59,240 --> 00:18:02,720
 we learned to get rid of the shame and make it useful,

429
00:18:02,720 --> 00:18:03,980
 but nothing is wasted.

430
00:18:03,980 --> 00:18:05,880
 And you also, if you're like me,

431
00:18:05,880 --> 00:18:08,160
 you don't have to have a crazy ass story to be helpful,

432
00:18:08,160 --> 00:18:09,760
 you know, so you don't have to feel too,

433
00:18:09,760 --> 00:18:13,120
 like you're not drunk enough, you know.

434
00:18:13,120 --> 00:18:15,640
 Anyway, so then I gave it a real go.

435
00:18:15,640 --> 00:18:19,080
 And once I, and my innermost self,

436
00:18:19,080 --> 00:18:20,320
 it wasn't just, oh, I better get sober.

437
00:18:20,320 --> 00:18:22,760
 It's like, I am an alcoholic.

438
00:18:22,760 --> 00:18:25,080
 This is never gonna work for me again.

439
00:18:25,080 --> 00:18:26,720
 You know, I've tried this now.

440
00:18:26,720 --> 00:18:27,560
 I tried the relapse.

441
00:18:27,560 --> 00:18:30,260
 I did like three or four relapses that year.

442
00:18:30,260 --> 00:18:32,680
 And I told myself, so those didn't go to waste.

443
00:18:32,680 --> 00:18:36,760
 They really told me to my core, you are an alcoholic.

444
00:18:36,760 --> 00:18:38,120
 This is never gonna get better.

445
00:18:38,120 --> 00:18:40,560
 And that made it a lot easier for me to move forward.

446
00:18:40,560 --> 00:18:42,700
 And to, you know, that's the first step, right?

447
00:18:42,700 --> 00:18:44,360
 I could really do it this time.

448
00:18:44,360 --> 00:18:46,720
 And so I did, and I did the things.

449
00:18:46,720 --> 00:18:50,080
 I went to meetings, even though I didn't want to.

450
00:18:50,080 --> 00:18:51,440
 And I went to a women's meeting

451
00:18:51,440 --> 00:18:53,400
 after I had a year of sobriety,

452
00:18:53,400 --> 00:18:55,720
 'cause I need to lose a year to get ready for that.

453
00:18:55,720 --> 00:18:59,540
 And then I started going to that one.

454
00:18:59,540 --> 00:19:01,960
 I would just look at the women's shoes,

455
00:19:01,960 --> 00:19:04,040
 'cause I'm so intimidated by other women.

456
00:19:04,040 --> 00:19:05,480
 Not now, but I was then.

457
00:19:05,480 --> 00:19:07,680
 I am a totally different person than I was then.

458
00:19:07,680 --> 00:19:11,200
 Let me tell you, like, I couldn't look anybody in the eye.

459
00:19:11,200 --> 00:19:13,080
 In fact, I'd be talking to people

460
00:19:13,080 --> 00:19:14,640
 and they'd be like, what are you looking at?

461
00:19:14,640 --> 00:19:16,160
 'Cause I'd be looking over here,

462
00:19:16,160 --> 00:19:17,520
 'cause I couldn't look people in the face,

463
00:19:17,520 --> 00:19:20,600
 because, well, I just thought I was a monster in some way.

464
00:19:20,600 --> 00:19:25,600
 I thought I was just so not good enough and so messed up.

465
00:19:25,600 --> 00:19:29,680
 I really felt like there's probably tentacles coming out.

466
00:19:29,680 --> 00:19:33,440
 Like, that's how I felt, really not okay.

467
00:19:33,440 --> 00:19:35,320
 And it took a long time in here,

468
00:19:35,320 --> 00:19:40,080
 but AA has taught me how to talk to others

469
00:19:40,080 --> 00:19:43,360
 and how to be vulnerable and open up, you know?

470
00:19:43,360 --> 00:19:46,400
 I'll probably cry during the share, and it's okay,

471
00:19:46,400 --> 00:19:48,640
 'cause I mean, I just have these emotions and it's all right.

472
00:19:48,640 --> 00:19:50,840
 And people love a good cry anyways in AA.

473
00:19:50,840 --> 00:19:52,480
 And what I say is, if you can't cry in AA,

474
00:19:52,480 --> 00:19:53,840
 where the hell can you cry?

475
00:19:53,840 --> 00:19:57,160
 But yeah, I got to learn how to make friendships

476
00:19:57,160 --> 00:20:02,160
 and learn how to start my spiritual journey.

477
00:20:02,160 --> 00:20:07,000
 You know, when you're a person who's never known freedom

478
00:20:07,000 --> 00:20:09,160
 or happiness, real happiness,

479
00:20:09,160 --> 00:20:13,200
 where you've always been very pessimistic and unhappy,

480
00:20:13,200 --> 00:20:15,160
 it's still, even to this day,

481
00:20:15,160 --> 00:20:19,520
 hard to imagine that life can actually be free,

482
00:20:19,520 --> 00:20:20,800
 even though you see in others.

483
00:20:20,800 --> 00:20:22,800
 I mean, I always thought, well, that's you,

484
00:20:22,800 --> 00:20:24,920
 'cause you're normal, you're a nice person,

485
00:20:24,920 --> 00:20:27,080
 or you're super smart, you know?

486
00:20:27,080 --> 00:20:28,680
 That's not gonna happen for me.

487
00:20:28,680 --> 00:20:33,680
 So I have had a very slow variety in letting go of things

488
00:20:33,680 --> 00:20:35,760
 and trusting and have faith and really doing,

489
00:20:35,760 --> 00:20:38,560
 like, I still don't have a nightly,

490
00:20:38,560 --> 00:20:39,920
 I'm like, don't tell them this in my head,

491
00:20:39,920 --> 00:20:41,960
 but I'm telling you, 'cause I'm being honest.

492
00:20:41,960 --> 00:20:43,800
 And I don't have a nightly thing.

493
00:20:43,800 --> 00:20:46,000
 I don't do the 86 and 87.

494
00:20:46,000 --> 00:20:47,320
 I don't do that.

495
00:20:47,320 --> 00:20:51,160
 And it's just gonna give me more freedom.

496
00:20:51,160 --> 00:20:53,400
 You know, I am a pretty honest person.

497
00:20:53,400 --> 00:20:55,760
 I do talk to my sponsor about stuff.

498
00:20:55,760 --> 00:20:58,080
 When I get really angry or upset or have emotions,

499
00:20:58,080 --> 00:21:00,520
 I know that something in me that's disturbed,

500
00:21:00,520 --> 00:21:03,200
 but that's part of the program.

501
00:21:03,200 --> 00:21:05,160
 It's just there to make me feel better

502
00:21:05,160 --> 00:21:07,200
 and make me a better person and make me free.

503
00:21:07,200 --> 00:21:09,880
 It's not there to punish me, but I'm an alcoholic,

504
00:21:09,880 --> 00:21:12,320
 and I just think rules are there to make me angry.

505
00:21:12,320 --> 00:21:15,520
 So when I go home tonight, 'cause I've been running around,

506
00:21:15,520 --> 00:21:18,960
 I'm gonna put an alarm in the morning and the night

507
00:21:18,960 --> 00:21:22,080
 and help me get to that app, 'cause there's an app for it,

508
00:21:22,080 --> 00:21:26,120
 and do that, 'cause it's just, I need that freedom.

509
00:21:26,120 --> 00:21:29,640
 So I'm not a perfect AA-er, and nobody is.

510
00:21:29,640 --> 00:21:31,560
 And you don't have to be.

511
00:21:31,560 --> 00:21:34,480
 You just always have to try, oh, this is what I love.

512
00:21:34,480 --> 00:21:37,320
 I always say this too, the how of the program,

513
00:21:37,320 --> 00:21:39,440
 honesty, openness, and willingness.

514
00:21:39,440 --> 00:21:42,480
 Like, I was just honest with you now about, you know,

515
00:21:42,480 --> 00:21:44,440
 some shitty parts of my program, sorry,

516
00:21:44,440 --> 00:21:46,520
 some things that you wouldn't wanna go around

517
00:21:46,520 --> 00:21:48,200
 telling everybody, but I just did, right?

518
00:21:48,200 --> 00:21:50,080
 Because then that'll make me accountable, right?

519
00:21:50,080 --> 00:21:53,720
 And I'm open to trying it, and I'm willing.

520
00:21:53,720 --> 00:21:55,680
 And that is how I got sober.

521
00:21:55,680 --> 00:21:58,880
 And that's how I'm staying sober, you know?

522
00:21:58,880 --> 00:22:03,880
 My 17 years of sobriety is not guaranteed for tomorrow

523
00:22:03,880 --> 00:22:07,000
 or next year, whatever, you know?

524
00:22:07,000 --> 00:22:09,120
 It's important to me, and I cherish it,

525
00:22:09,120 --> 00:22:12,040
 and I didn't think I ever would, but I do.

526
00:22:12,040 --> 00:22:14,320
 And so, I don't know, I mean, I think you guys too,

527
00:22:14,320 --> 00:22:16,040
 that's why you're here, right?

528
00:22:16,040 --> 00:22:19,040
 On a Friday night, on a Saturday night, on a Saturday night.

529
00:22:19,960 --> 00:22:21,560
 How much do I go for, till quarter till?

530
00:22:21,560 --> 00:22:22,840
 Till five till, okay.

531
00:22:22,840 --> 00:22:26,440
 I know I forgot some things in my story.

532
00:22:26,440 --> 00:22:28,560
 Shoot, I don't know.

533
00:22:28,560 --> 00:22:30,200
 I wish we'd take questions or something, but we don't.

534
00:22:30,200 --> 00:22:32,960
 Okay, oh, I know what I can tell you.

535
00:22:32,960 --> 00:22:35,360
 What's happened to me in sobriety, right?

536
00:22:35,360 --> 00:22:39,800
 So, I have gone back to school.

537
00:22:39,800 --> 00:22:42,520
 Before I got sober, I went to community college, right?

538
00:22:42,520 --> 00:22:46,360
 And I was doing my first two years, but it took me seven,

539
00:22:46,360 --> 00:22:47,920
 and I didn't complete it.

540
00:22:47,920 --> 00:22:52,920
 So, in sobriety, as an adult, I said, okay,

541
00:22:52,920 --> 00:22:56,480
 my job is ending, and I didn't have a degree,

542
00:22:56,480 --> 00:22:57,560
 I didn't have a bachelor's degree,

543
00:22:57,560 --> 00:22:59,040
 and the economy was at someone,

544
00:22:59,040 --> 00:23:01,680
 everything was in the toilet.

545
00:23:01,680 --> 00:23:03,400
 So I said, I better go back to school.

546
00:23:03,400 --> 00:23:05,640
 And that was so scary for me to go.

547
00:23:05,640 --> 00:23:09,800
 I mean, I was in my late 30s, mid to late 30s,

548
00:23:09,800 --> 00:23:13,080
 and I went to school during the day with all the kids.

549
00:23:13,080 --> 00:23:15,880
 And I didn't think I was gonna do any good at all.

550
00:23:15,880 --> 00:23:19,280
 You know, I really took a lot of notes,

551
00:23:19,280 --> 00:23:21,400
 and I ended up getting straight A's.

552
00:23:21,400 --> 00:23:25,400
 And I only had to do the two years, right?

553
00:23:25,400 --> 00:23:28,120
 And then I did a couple classes at Pierce,

554
00:23:28,120 --> 00:23:31,120
 just to get to the junior and senior year.

555
00:23:31,120 --> 00:23:35,160
 And I got straight A's, and the professors were like,

556
00:23:35,160 --> 00:23:37,040
 you gotta get at your master's.

557
00:23:37,040 --> 00:23:37,880
 Me?

558
00:23:37,880 --> 00:23:41,400
 And I loved it, and I wanted to do it, because I loved it.

559
00:23:41,400 --> 00:23:45,440
 But listen, my master's degree is in communication studies.

560
00:23:45,440 --> 00:23:47,640
 So there's no job for that.

561
00:23:47,640 --> 00:23:49,840
 I mean, you can teach communication studies.

562
00:23:49,840 --> 00:23:52,120
 But I did it, and I really struggled,

563
00:23:52,120 --> 00:23:54,200
 'cause I knew I was gonna go into debt for it.

564
00:23:54,200 --> 00:23:56,120
 You know, maybe it won't look good

565
00:23:56,120 --> 00:23:58,600
 if I'm going for not-so-great jobs and I have a master's.

566
00:23:58,600 --> 00:24:00,640
 There were a lot of reasons not to do it.

567
00:24:00,640 --> 00:24:03,240
 But I did it because I wanted to learn.

568
00:24:03,240 --> 00:24:06,280
 And so I knew, for me, I knew it was gonna give me

569
00:24:06,280 --> 00:24:09,720
 a sense of self, like we do esteemable acts

570
00:24:09,720 --> 00:24:12,560
 to get the self-esteem, and that's one of them.

571
00:24:12,560 --> 00:24:14,760
 That, you know, I was good at that, and I wanted to do it.

572
00:24:14,760 --> 00:24:17,800
 And so even though I really should've got

573
00:24:17,800 --> 00:24:19,240
 a different master's degree,

574
00:24:19,240 --> 00:24:20,920
 but even though I should've got it, I didn't.

575
00:24:20,920 --> 00:24:24,360
 I went through it, and even though it scared me,

576
00:24:24,360 --> 00:24:26,220
 'cause my sponsor was there with me.

577
00:24:26,220 --> 00:24:29,240
 She said, "You open the door, and you let God go in first."

578
00:24:29,240 --> 00:24:32,600
 And I shared about it, and in this program,

579
00:24:32,600 --> 00:24:34,440
 I have learned there's the tears.

580
00:24:34,440 --> 00:24:36,260
 I mean, it's so life-changing.

581
00:24:36,260 --> 00:24:38,360
 One step in front of the other.

582
00:24:38,360 --> 00:24:41,460
 And the great thing was, is communication studies,

583
00:24:41,460 --> 00:24:42,640
 you give all kinds of speeches.

584
00:24:42,640 --> 00:24:45,240
 I was already ready for that, 'cause we do this here.

585
00:24:45,240 --> 00:24:49,600
 But that also get, that get maybe better at this, too.

586
00:24:49,600 --> 00:24:52,860
 But I got straight A's in my master's program.

587
00:24:52,860 --> 00:24:55,000
 So I graduated with distinction,

588
00:24:55,000 --> 00:24:58,520
 and I got an award for being the best old student.

589
00:24:58,520 --> 00:25:01,400
 That's $250, I mean, I paid.

590
00:25:01,400 --> 00:25:05,480
 But yeah, like the Mary Daybell Award, you know?

591
00:25:05,480 --> 00:25:08,340
 But I, you know, how amazing is that?

592
00:25:08,340 --> 00:25:10,080
 And I also quit smoking.

593
00:25:10,080 --> 00:25:11,800
 I mean, when I got sober, I'm like,

594
00:25:11,800 --> 00:25:13,520
 "You're not taking this away from me."

595
00:25:13,520 --> 00:25:15,080
 You know, I had smoked since I was 13.

596
00:25:15,080 --> 00:25:17,280
 Smoking and drinking went right together.

597
00:25:17,280 --> 00:25:19,200
 11, I started smoking when I was 11.

598
00:25:19,200 --> 00:25:21,980
 And I soon, oh, thank you.

599
00:25:21,980 --> 00:25:23,560
 I was soon a pack-a-day smoker.

600
00:25:23,560 --> 00:25:27,640
 So I smoked 23 years, I think.

601
00:25:27,640 --> 00:25:31,240
 And I quit that, and the only way I was able

602
00:25:31,240 --> 00:25:36,160
 to finally do it was I knew, I took the tools from here.

603
00:25:36,160 --> 00:25:38,400
 And I'm like, "Just not this hour.

604
00:25:38,400 --> 00:25:41,860
 "Don't smoke this hour, you know, and pray for help,

605
00:25:41,860 --> 00:25:45,620
 "you know, and you got through that alcohol,

606
00:25:45,620 --> 00:25:46,840
 "you can get through this."

607
00:25:46,840 --> 00:25:49,280
 And it was, it was so hard.

608
00:25:49,280 --> 00:25:52,440
 And there was a much bigger, well, there's a long,

609
00:25:52,440 --> 00:25:55,040
 there's a strong smoking culture still.

610
00:25:55,040 --> 00:25:57,960
 It's vaping or whatever, smells better.

611
00:25:57,960 --> 00:25:59,880
 But it's also a social thing too, you know,

612
00:25:59,880 --> 00:26:01,320
 to be able to stand around, you know,

613
00:26:01,320 --> 00:26:03,100
 like when we had the break, like if I was smoking,

614
00:26:03,100 --> 00:26:04,680
 I'd go out there and make more friends.

615
00:26:04,680 --> 00:26:06,380
 But I just wanted to sit 'cause I knew

616
00:26:06,380 --> 00:26:07,720
 I was gonna stand for a while.

617
00:26:07,720 --> 00:26:10,560
 But I did that, I can't believe it that I did that.

618
00:26:10,560 --> 00:26:12,820
 I quit, and it took a long time for me

619
00:26:12,820 --> 00:26:15,380
 to not think about cigarettes.

620
00:26:15,380 --> 00:26:18,060
 Yeah, you know, I just, I got better at life.

621
00:26:18,060 --> 00:26:19,700
 I'm not super great at it or anything.

622
00:26:19,700 --> 00:26:23,740
 There's so many more things for me to accomplish.

623
00:26:23,740 --> 00:26:26,720
 What I like to say is there's no cap on growth.

624
00:26:26,720 --> 00:26:29,400
 Not like, you know, there's so many things wrong with you

625
00:26:29,400 --> 00:26:30,600
 and you'll never stop growing.

626
00:26:30,600 --> 00:26:34,020
 Not like that, but just, you can continually work

627
00:26:34,020 --> 00:26:37,540
 this program and be present and just be more free.

628
00:26:37,540 --> 00:26:39,400
 I know that's a saying around like,

629
00:26:39,400 --> 00:26:41,260
 how free do you wanna be, you know?

630
00:26:41,260 --> 00:26:43,540
 And so like, I wanna be more free.

631
00:26:43,540 --> 00:26:45,800
 So now I'm ready to do a daily thing.

632
00:26:45,800 --> 00:26:47,640
 I mean, I should have been doing it a long time ago,

633
00:26:47,640 --> 00:26:48,920
 but I did it and I'm still here.

634
00:26:48,920 --> 00:26:51,240
 So it's okay if you're not perfect.

635
00:26:51,240 --> 00:26:53,920
 But I'm gonna do that 'cause I told everybody here

636
00:26:53,920 --> 00:26:54,760
 that I'm gonna do it.

637
00:26:54,760 --> 00:26:56,640
 And I'll give you my number and you can ask me

638
00:26:56,640 --> 00:27:00,160
 if I'm doing it 'cause I do wanna be more free.

639
00:27:00,160 --> 00:27:03,960
 And oh, I have to say, you know, I had to go to a doctor.

640
00:27:03,960 --> 00:27:07,440
 I had to physically check myself 'cause I, you know,

641
00:27:07,440 --> 00:27:10,600
 there's things with me that go to dark places.

642
00:27:10,600 --> 00:27:13,680
 And so I had therapy, I've had medical attention

643
00:27:13,680 --> 00:27:16,560
 because I care now.

644
00:27:16,560 --> 00:27:19,600
 I need to put some effort into this

645
00:27:19,600 --> 00:27:23,600
 because I need to be useful to others.

646
00:27:23,600 --> 00:27:26,900
 You know, that is my, that is what we have to do.

647
00:27:26,900 --> 00:27:28,900
 That is what we are charged with.

648
00:27:28,900 --> 00:27:31,900
 And so I need to, if I, 'cause I mean,

649
00:27:31,900 --> 00:27:35,720
 especially like last year, I mean, I was not well.

650
00:27:35,720 --> 00:27:37,780
 I didn't wanna leave the house, you know?

651
00:27:37,780 --> 00:27:39,760
 I just, things weren't good.

652
00:27:39,760 --> 00:27:42,280
 And even though, you know, I had a program

653
00:27:42,280 --> 00:27:45,320
 and all this stuff, I needed something else.

654
00:27:45,320 --> 00:27:46,520
 I needed outside help.

655
00:27:46,520 --> 00:27:50,320
 And I'm really proud of myself that I got that.

656
00:27:50,320 --> 00:27:52,840
 And so, and it's always a work in progress.

657
00:27:52,840 --> 00:27:55,600
 And listen, you get older if you stay sober.

658
00:27:55,600 --> 00:27:59,280
 And so you change, you physically change, right?

659
00:27:59,280 --> 00:28:01,360
 You emotionally change, like everything's changed.

660
00:28:01,360 --> 00:28:04,520
 So your program has to keep changing too, right?

661
00:28:04,520 --> 00:28:06,520
 And so what worked, you know, last year

662
00:28:06,520 --> 00:28:07,880
 just might not cut it, you know?

663
00:28:07,880 --> 00:28:10,120
 And I hear that, you know, I believe this and that.

664
00:28:10,120 --> 00:28:11,280
 I've been around long enough.

665
00:28:11,280 --> 00:28:12,400
 It's true.

666
00:28:12,400 --> 00:28:14,060
 The road gets narrower.

667
00:28:14,060 --> 00:28:17,240
 What you felt okay with in the first couple of years,

668
00:28:17,240 --> 00:28:18,280
 you can't get away with.

669
00:28:18,280 --> 00:28:19,800
 If you're honest with yourself,

670
00:28:19,800 --> 00:28:21,960
 you can't get away with when you've got more time.

671
00:28:21,960 --> 00:28:24,400
 But if anybody is young here,

672
00:28:24,400 --> 00:28:29,120
 I have a panel at Northridge Hospital for the teen psych ward.

673
00:28:29,120 --> 00:28:31,140
 And that is, so if anybody wants to get on that,

674
00:28:31,140 --> 00:28:32,800
 give me your number after.

675
00:28:32,800 --> 00:28:36,840
 That is a whole new level in my program is to talk to kids.

676
00:28:36,840 --> 00:28:38,680
 You know, who may or may not be alcoholics,

677
00:28:38,680 --> 00:28:41,420
 but we get to come and share with them our story

678
00:28:41,420 --> 00:28:42,880
 and just let them know whether or not

679
00:28:42,880 --> 00:28:44,800
 they are or not alcoholics.

680
00:28:44,800 --> 00:28:47,120
 We are, and we've found a solution.

681
00:28:47,120 --> 00:28:49,160
 And you know, maybe they'll have a friend

682
00:28:49,160 --> 00:28:51,740
 because most people have a friend or family in their life

683
00:28:51,740 --> 00:28:53,800
 who are alcoholics.

684
00:28:53,800 --> 00:28:58,260
 And I look at these kids, you know, they're like 15.

685
00:28:58,260 --> 00:29:02,240
 They can be 13 to about, I guess, 17, they're teenagers.

686
00:29:02,240 --> 00:29:05,200
 And I was such a mess at that age.

687
00:29:05,200 --> 00:29:07,640
 And I thought I was so much older than I was.

688
00:29:07,640 --> 00:29:08,960
 And you see these kids.

689
00:29:08,960 --> 00:29:09,800
 I mean, you could be older too

690
00:29:09,800 --> 00:29:11,080
 if you want to be on the panel.

691
00:29:11,080 --> 00:29:12,960
 I don't want to like, you know,

692
00:29:12,960 --> 00:29:16,960
 but I need to bring at least one kid, one younger person.

693
00:29:16,960 --> 00:29:19,560
 But people with time or people who are older,

694
00:29:19,560 --> 00:29:20,920
 that's fine too.

695
00:29:20,920 --> 00:29:23,200
 But to see them, they're so young.

696
00:29:23,200 --> 00:29:27,600
 And it's, you get to sort of forgive yourself

697
00:29:27,600 --> 00:29:31,800
 and recognize that you were just a child when you were,

698
00:29:31,800 --> 00:29:36,200
 and you were not well, I mean, emotionally, you know.

699
00:29:36,200 --> 00:29:37,600
 It's very healing.

700
00:29:37,600 --> 00:29:40,960
 And what a way to be of service is to talk to children.

701
00:29:40,960 --> 00:29:42,920
 It's pretty great.

702
00:29:42,920 --> 00:29:45,840
 I mean, we could end early, right?

703
00:29:45,840 --> 00:29:47,000
 Yeah, Saturday night.

704
00:29:47,000 --> 00:29:47,840
 So I'm done.

705
00:29:47,840 --> 00:29:48,660
 All right.