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 All right. Hey there. I'm Ryan, alcoholic. What time did I go till? I forgot to ask.

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 930? Just kidding. No, no, no. First off, Sean and Nancy, right? You guys did awesome.

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 You know, talking about contrary actions, six and seven, you know, I got 18 years of

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 sobriety and those are still like, you know, huge parts of my sobriety, you know, so whether

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 you have a day, two days, 18 years, you know, it's the, it's the foundation, the fundamentals

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 of this program that, you know, is what keeps this thing going and love the talks. And,

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 you know, we don't have the exact same stories, but, you know, I identify with so much and

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 that's what's beautiful about coming here. And I want to thank Alex for inviting me out

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 here. I think he got my number from my friend, Claudia. I think she's speaking here next

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 week. So if this talk totally, you know, bombs and it's terrible, which it might, you can

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 blame her and she'll be here next week and you can tell her how terrible it was. And

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 the other thing was, Alex told me, he's like, your name is actually on the speaker list

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 and you know, you spoke here 10 years ago. And I don't know if anybody else is thinking

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 the same thing. I thought when he said that, but if I spoke there 10 years ago and nobody's

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 asked me back since, like, this probably isn't a good idea, man. But, you know, here we are.

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 If you're new, welcome. I have a good live today, good comfortable live today, and it's

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 a direct result of this program and the people that have gone before me and I'm truly grateful.

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 I want to thank a couple of people for coming out and supporting me. My buddy Dave I've

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 known for 18 years. He's been trudging this thing and buddy Harold came out. You know,

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 I had the privilege of being at his wedding, what, 15 years ago. Chris, I've sponsored

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 him for years. He's like an older brother to my kids. And are you a brother or cousin?

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 What are you like? What do they think? It doesn't matter. The point is that, you know,

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 I have a really good life, you know, in Alcoholics Anonymous. And, you know, I wasn't counting

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 on that. I'll get some stats out of the way. I got sober July 10th, 2001. My home group

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 is Pacific Group and my sponsor is Tim Kay. And I love that you guys say that because

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 those are three things that I have to remember and I don't want to change. And, you know,

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 I'm glad that you guys take that so seriously and that's been a big deal to me. If you're

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 new, you know, I had a good day today. I woke up and my buddy Dave came over. He was working

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 and my wife was making pancakes with my seven year old. And then we went to church and dropped

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 our kids off. I got four kids. We dropped them off somewhere and me and my wife took

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 our dog to the beach and walked on the beach and picked up rocks for our serenity garden

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 that we have. You know, we stack rocks and like, and how does that make you feel, Dave?

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 Is that, is that, is that a picture? But, but I got to tell you, like, you know, if

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 you would, if you had asked anybody, you know, 18 years ago, if that was the life, if that's

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 what, you know, was going to be happening on a Saturday, you, that would have been a,

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 you know, that probably wouldn't have been the answer you got. And you know, I, I, I

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 love alcohol. I love the taste of it. You know, when I'm drinking for flavor, I'm drinking

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 like Keystone ice, you know, if I'm just kind of pacing myself, but you know, I'm also drinking

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 for effect because I love the effect that alcohol, you know, I get from alcohol and

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 I want it quick and I want it, I want it fast and you know, I love vodka. I love those plastic

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 bottles of vodka. I don't even know what kind of vodka I drank, I just know it said vodka

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 on the bottle. I think it's a charcoal filter. It's been a long time. I don't know if that's

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 good or bad. But you know, you know, I like every malt liquor there is. I don't even know

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 if they make them anymore. The St. Ives Clubhouse, Cobra, Mickey's, you know, I, but then I fell

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 in love with some Steel Reserve and Cisco. So, so yeah, the guy walking on the beach

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 collecting rocks, you know, at one point, you know, was, was scrounging for a change

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 for Cisco. And I didn't know that that would, you know, ever change. And I didn't think

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 it would. And I'll just, I'll tell you a little bit about what it was like, what happened

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 and what it's like today. And I grew up, you know, I grew up in Thousand Oaks. And I had

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 a good, good little life. I have two parents that love me. I kind of grew up in the hills.

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 It was kind of a rural area, not out of the way a little bit. I love, I love playing sports.

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 I played a lot of baseball growing up. Some people have said, you know, I'm just kind

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 of a beer and baseball kind of guy. And that's, that was it. That's all, that's all I did.

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 I played, I played a lot of baseball and, and my parents, my dad was a firefighter.

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 My mom was a nurse. And they individually, they're pretty decent people together. They

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 hated each other. I've never met two people that hated each other. I don't know how they

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 even like, to this day, they can't speak to each other. They can't be in a room together.

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 They can't be in the same like city together. Like it's, it's not good. And probably I guess

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 I was like 12 or 11. I don't even, I don't even remember, but they, they split up and

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 you know, I was devastated obviously. And you know, I'm getting shuttled back and forth.

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 They moved, you know, they lived like five miles from each other. And, and what I learned

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 pretty quick though, was that, you know, I'd go back and forth in my houses. And so my

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 mom didn't talk to my dad and my dad didn't talk to my mom. So I learned that, you know,

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 I could kind of tell them whatever I wanted, you know, and you know, if mom was giving

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 me some trouble, like tell me to do my homework or something, then I just called dad and just

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 say, Hey man, she's, she's really, really saying bad things about you. I just want to

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 come, you know, say, you know, can I come stay with you? And like I go over to his house

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 and you know, vice versa and I'm going back and forth and I'm just, I'm learning really

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 quick to manipulate this situation. And they never, you know, were the wiser because they,

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 they hate each other more than they, you know, it was more important to hate each other than

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 to raise their kids. And so I kind of bounced around doing that and, and it was cool. And

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 so I, you know, responsibility and things like that are kind of, you know, fleeting.

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 But like I said, I played baseball all the time. I'm very, very serious about it. Some

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 might even say I was good, you know, I have a couple of guys here that question that,

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 but it's okay. And it's what I like doing. And so I stayed pretty, pretty straight and

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 narrow. I still, you know, focused on that. And you know, I nipped some beers here and

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 there. Like I said, my dad was a firefighter and he worked he worked in South central LA

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 and he worked there for, I don't know, 35 years or something. And one of the busiest

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 fire stations and you know, I really looked up to this guy. He was, he was definitely,

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 you know, my hero you know, and he had all these firefighter friends and they were big

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 and they were strong and most of them were like Vietnam vets that came back and they

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 all worked at this fire station that was one of the busiest in LA and like they were untouchable.

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 They were like, you know, my gold standard, like, and we just do a lot of things together.

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 And one of the things we do was, was we go out to Lake Havasu a lot. And we went out

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 there and you know, and I remember one trip and it was like, I don't know, I was like

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 13 or 14 and we're sitting around the campfire. It's me and my dad and his, you know, his

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 buddies, his firefighter buddies and, and you know, it's lay and they're drinking, they

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 they work hard and party hard. And one of them says to me, you know, is he says, Hey,

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 like, if we give you a beer, you're going to tell your mom. And like instantly I'm like,

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 you know, as soon as you bring mom's name up, I'm like, no, like, absolutely not. Like,

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 you know, and so they throw me a Coors Light and I have a Coors Light and then have a couple

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 more Coors Lights. And so what happened was you know, I have, I don't remember three,

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 four beers or whatever it was. And I started looking around this fire, right? And I started

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 looking at these guys and something like crossed my mind and that was like, why don't these

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 guys like respect me a little more? Like, don't these guys know who I am? And you know,

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 I started getting a little more confident and I started feeling, you know, feeling a

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 little bit better about myself. And all of a sudden, like, I feel just like one of these

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 guys like now I've never, you know, saved anybody from a burning building or pulled

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 anybody out of a car or even gotten a cat out of a tree. But like, like in my mind,

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 I'm a hero and like I'm the same as these guys and I'm looking around and like I'm running

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 my mouth and, and uh, you know, probably embarrassing myself, but whatever. But that feeling like

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 I was completely whole, like alcohol gave me a sense of, uh, it just made me delusional.

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 But it made it like, and I loved it. Um, and so the next morning I woke up and I felt pretty

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 terrible and I remember feeling sick and this and that. And one of the guys was making manudo

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 and he's like, here, have this. It'll make you feel better. And so like I start, you

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 know, and I'm like, what is this? He's like, it's cow stomach. I'm like, I'm good. Like

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 I'm just miserable. And then somebody else gives me some orange juice and says, try this.

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 And so I drink it and it's really bitter and I just keep drinking it and drinking some

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 more. And uh, what it was was orange juice and vodka. So I learned a couple really, really,

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 really important lessons that night and that day that carried over. And this pretty much

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 sums up my, my, uh, my drinking is that if you feel good drink, if you feel crappy drink,

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 if like, you know, you're having fun drink, like scared drink, like it makes it better.

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 Everything is better. Alcohol solves everything. And um, you know, I didn't go, I didn't go

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 out and just start drinking, you know, right away. I didn't, you know, every single day

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 or anything like that. But what I can tell you is that my alcoholism kicked in and the

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 decisions I made from that point on were definitely impacted by the alcoholism that was in me

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 that now was kickstarted by, you know, the alcohol that I've been drinking. And most

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 of my decisions from that point on were, you know, were selfish, self seeking, dishonest,

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 you know, based in fear. And it was completely driven by my alcoholism. And I, I did pretty

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 well for, you know, a little while I, uh, kept, uh, you know, kept, uh, playing baseball

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 and, and doing that and, you know, just drinking just like normal people do or what I thought

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 was normal. And, um, I, uh, let me make sure I get, um, I, uh, I had something else significant

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 happen and, and, um, you know, it was, it was this weird thing. Like somebody stole

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 my car stereo and, you know, I should just like, you know, gone out and bought a new

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 stereo. Like, I don't know, but like, I felt like wrong. I felt like, you know, the world

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 like owed me like this and that. So like I got this idea I'm going to go steal somebody

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 else's stereo. And so I did and like, I'm not like, I'm like, you know, I play baseball,

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 like I drink, you know, some cheap beer, like, you know, I shouldn't be stealing in stereo.

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 It's like, not that anybody should, I don't know who should, but, um, so I do and I get

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 it and it feels great. So then I'm like, no, I got the stereo. It's all good. And like,

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 you know, my selfishness and you know, all that, like it was, it was, it was fulfilled.

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 It felt great. Um, so then I do it again. I don't know why, but like, you know, I just,

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 one was good, you know, another one and you know, and this and that. And long story short,

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 like we ended up like, you know, breaking into a house and you know, she wants some

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 stuff there, but then we saw there's a car there. So we load all their stuff into their

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 car and I'm not a criminal at this point. So now I've got this like brand new Lexus.

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 I don't know what to do with, I'm 16. So I call some of the shadiest people I know, um,

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 who had just gotten busted for some stuff. I didn't know that. So next thing I know is

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 I sell a brand new Lexus to an undercover guy that looks like Cheech from Cheech and

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 Chong like, and I got SWAT team pop out when I'm 16. So now I've got, you know, I got some

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 issues now. I'm not like, you know, the kid that plays baseball. Like now I'm like the

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 kid that like for whatever reason and like I'm not drinking a ton at this time. Like

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 I'm drinking, I'm partying, but like it's my alcoholism. It's, you know, it's, it's

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 the, the, just the selfishness. Like I don't, I even know what, like the whole world doesn't

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 exist. Like it's just me. And um, you know, it just, that changed my life significantly.

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 Like, you know, I was kicked off all the baseball teams. I was, they said I was toxic or, or

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 something like, you know, bad news. Um, and I just kinda, you know, committed to, uh,

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 to drinking. And uh, like I said, my dad was a firefighter, so he was gone a lot. So his,

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 nobody was at his house and uh, a lot of the time. So now I just, you know, hang out and

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 drink. And you know, if you've got a place to drink, like you're going to make friends

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 real quick and like, you know, people bring stuff over and, and uh, it's good life. And,

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 but then I get my first DUI. Um, and um, you know, it's uh, it's uh, you know, I'm drinking

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 all the time now. I, I, uh, I wake up, I drink, um, I usually take that back. I'll usually

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 wake up and then like, I try to find some water somewhere cause like, you know, I'm

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 just so thirsty. Like I can still remember like that, that thirst and just like going

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 to sinks and like, cause like when I drink, I don't eat, I don't drink water. I, uh, I

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 had surgery on my shoulders when I was sober and uh, they're going to put an IV in me and

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 the nurse is like, I'm gonna put an IV and there's going to be a drip, a bag of drips.

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 I was like, yeah, yeah, I've had this a lot of times. She's like, you've had IVs a lot

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 of times. She's like, do you, are you an athlete? Do you do marathons? I was like, no, I used

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 to drink a lot and that's what people would do. I get so sick and they're like, people

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 do, I don't know what to do with you dude. And they take me to the hospital and then

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 they just put me on IVs and you know, I get hydrated cause I was so dehydrated from drinking

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 so much alcohol and not eating. Um, so anyway, um, I don't even know where that came from.

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 Uh, but now they like sell that. They got people that come in with like banana water

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 and like, you know, like for hangovers, like I should've been on the forefront of that.

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 I should've like could've known. Um, but I saw, yeah, I'm sick. I'm whatever. And I just

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 start bouncing around. I started moving around. I moved up to mammoth cause you know, it seemed

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 like a great idea. I went interviewed there and they're like, we know all you guys are,

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 you know, mess ups like, you know, we're going to drug test you if somebody gets hurt, but

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 until somebody gets hurt, you can drink or whatever. And I was like, sign me up. But

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 then I'm, you know, I get my next DUI and then, you know, two weeks later I get another

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 DUI. Um, I'm collecting DUI's and I'm fighting them in court at the same time. And I'm not

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 telling this court that I have a DUI here and I'm not telling this one, I have a court

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 case here and I'm fighting it and I've got no business fighting. They're both in the

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 parking lot. I didn't even make it out of the parking lot. I was so drunk. Like, like,

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 you know, and I'm fighting these, like I take it to the, I take one to like the, you know,

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 a full like, you know, court case and it's kind of funny. Like my lawyer's like, are

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 you going to lie this much? I was like, it's the best my reelection recollection man. Like,

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 and I did, I lied so much that the jury, there's two counts that there's driving under the

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 influence and driving while intoxicated. And they found me guilty of driving, uh, with

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 more than 0.08 whatever it is, but they found me innocent of driving under the influence.

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 So it's like, it's impossible. Like my attorney's like, what is that? Like, I've never seen

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 that. I was like, I was such a liar. Like I believe myself. Um, the jury believed me,

185
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 it was whatever. So anyways, I look, so I got, uh, you know, so obviously, you know,

186
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 I've been in AA, I've been in court cards from 16 to 25. I got sober at 24 right before

187
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 I turned 25. And um, so I was very familiar with AA. Um, and um, you know, I do what any

188
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 good, it was a lot of the drunken stuff, like whatever dude, let's get, so there's a lot

189
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 of, you know, drunken terribleness and um, and uh, I did what any good alcoholic does

190
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 and call mom and I'm like, Hey mom, I need help. And you know, and um, and uh, my mom's

191
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 a whole nother story. I'm not even getting into that, but she, you know, so she was ready

192
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 for this call. So she's like, I'm going to send you to this rehab up in Washington and,

193
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 and get you out of here. So I go for 21 days to this rehab and, and uh, you know, I just

194
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 basically dried out and I drank sugar water cause I was shaking the whole time. Um, and

195
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 uh, I thought Washington was beautiful with trees and stuff. Apparently Eastern Washington

196
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 is desert. It was 120 in July. Uh, miserable. Um, let's say the 21 days and um, you know,

197
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 but it was cool cause there was this guy up there and you know, he played baseball and

198
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 like we just played catch man. And like some reason, like it just rekindled, like it felt

199
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 good. And um, you know, I came back and um, I go to this local clubhouse cause you know,

200
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 I, that's where I had gone for all my court cards in Thousand Oaks and um, so I knew where

201
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 to go and I'm kind of just floating in at noon and like, you know, I'm not really like

202
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 talking to anybody. I'm not really getting any, any names or numbers, but like I left

203
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 that rehab and they told me like, you're a loser and you are not going to stay sober.

204
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 So like, so now I've got resentment against them. Like, so I'm not going to drink just

205
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 to make them mad. Um, so I'm going to these meetings and I'm not drinking and like I'm

206
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 just kind of floating around and um, this guy, he uh, he was on this evangelical, like,

207
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 you know, crusade, like he was part of a bellflower big, big group and like his sponsors said,

208
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 you gotta go get sponsored. So this guy and comes and like swoops me up and he's like,

209
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 I'm going to be your sponsor and this and that. And I'm like, all right dude. And um,

210
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 he uh, tells me to do this and that. And then he tells me that he had just started sponsoring

211
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 this other guy and this guy, he like points to him and this guy is like this big, like,

212
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 like huge, like I won't say ogre looking cause it might get back to him. Um, but like it

213
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 was like, I mean this guy was not like the kind of guy I should be hanging out with.

214
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 Like cause I'm above that and he's got like chipped tooth and like he had a plastic bag

215
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 with like, you know, all this stuff in it. Like, and this new sponsors like, all right,

216
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 so you're going to take this guy to all the meetings, you're going to pick him up and

217
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 take him. Cause I still had this little beat up truck and he had nothing. And I was like,

218
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 all right dude, whatever. Like, you know, and so I started taking him in these meetings

219
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 and, and uh, so we're talking and turns out, you know, we have a few things in common and

220
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 you know, whatever. He's like 10 years older than me, but like, you know, I just let it

221
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 slide. And um, and uh, we're, we're going to meetings and like, and everybody at these

222
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 meetings like thinks I'm smoking weed. Like they think like they don't, they think I'm

223
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 taking dirty chips and like six months into it, like my buddy turns to me in the car one

224
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 day and he's like, he's like, Hey bro, like they all think you smoke weed, but I'm the

225
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 one smoking weed. And I'm like, what? Like, so he came clean and, and um, and uh, you

226
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 know, I was just cover like who knew? Like long story short, he got sober. I got sober.

227
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 We had that, that sponsor, um, that sponsor went out after a year. And then, um, we, uh,

228
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 somebody told us to go to, um, the yard, uh, Pacific group yard. And so I go out there,

229
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 I heard a bunch of stories and uh, I see these guys playing softball and you know, I mentioned

230
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 I love baseball. I was good at it. Um, and uh, and uh, I just, uh, I immediately like

231
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 felt comfortable. Like I, it was the first time in AA, like some people like, you know,

232
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 they love the meetings and going around shaking hands. I'm not good at it. Like I'm just,

233
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 I suck. Uh, some people like these dances and conventions. I don't like it. Um, but

234
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 the softball, like I loved. And so they told me like, all right, well you can play, you

235
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 just got to come to Wednesday night, you got to shave, you got to wear collared shirt,

236
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 you got to do this and that. And that's where the contrary actions like start coming in.

237
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 My head was like, no, like, you know, but my head has gotten me pretty much nowhere,

238
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 like at all. And um, so I started doing, I started shaving, I started putting on the

239
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 collared shirt, I started going to all the meetings, I started getting commitments at

240
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 those meetings. I started putting my hand out and shaking hands and like asking people

241
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 their name and like actually trying to remember their name. Um, because I, before I didn't

242
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 care, like, but now I'm like trying to remember their names and um, we started doing that

243
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 and I started doing the softball thing and, and um, my life changed significantly. Like,

244
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 uh, it, it, uh, I finally felt a part of, I finally felt like, you know, uh, the AA

245
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 was going to work for me before I was just kind of hanging on before I was doing this.

246
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 Like I just didn't want to drink again because I was tired of being sick. I was tired of

247
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 the way the people looked at me. I was tired of having those conversations, you know, like

248
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 before I got sober, you know, I live with this girl and I promised her like when she

249
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 moved in, I'm not going to drink. And two months later the cops are escorting her out

250
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 and you know, I've thrown all her stuff out and I'm watching Jerry Springer drinking Keystone

251
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 ice and he's like, really dude? Like, you know, and I'm yelling at the cops like, and

252
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 then my brother moved in, you know, two months after that I'm like, I am not going to drink.

253
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 And two months, three months after that my dad's like separating us cause I'm drunk and

254
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 like he's moving out. Like I always wanted to stop drinking. I met every time I said

255
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 I was going to stop drinking. I meant it, I meant it like wholeheartedly. I just couldn't

256
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 like I could not, I was powerless. Like once I, you know, if I'm drinking, I it's all bets

257
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 are off. And um, so you know, so that's why, you know, when I got into Pacific group and

258
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 just kind of jumped in and started doing the commitments and the steps and all of that

259
00:21:32,180 --> 00:21:36,340
 stuff, um, my life started changing because I didn't want to do it. I did not want to

260
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 do it at all. Not one bit of it, but I just kept doing it and things got better. Um, I,

261
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 um, uh, like a year and a half in, so I started doing that. So I played the softball and this

262
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 young lady kind of walked into a meeting and uh, we started hanging out. Um, that was 17

263
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 years ago and it said whatever it is now. Um, you know, we're still together. Um, so

264
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 I have this amazing wife. Tell her I said that. Uh, and uh, we have, uh, we just actually

265
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 celebrated 10 years or 10 years, a marriage last weekend. Um, and um, you know, that's

266
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 not stuff that like happens to a guy like me. Like I, I couldn't do anything for like

267
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 two days in a row. Like, you know, when I'm drinking, like no matter how hard I try, like

268
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 I, no matter how much like my intentions, like I could not string anything consistent

269
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 together. Um, and so I got sober and not only sober, but actually sober like mentally, spiritually,

270
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 not just physically. Um, I'll talk about that. Um, so I, uh, I, um, we, uh, yeah, so I got

271
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 sober and you know, we've, uh, I, uh, that first sponsor, he, he kind of, he went out

272
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 and he left and then I got this guy in Pacific group who was very action oriented like he was

273
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 all about contrary actions his goal in life was to give me contrary actions every second like

274
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 anything I wanted to do like he made me do something else like and for five years this

275
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 guy john g was very loud and very adamant that like you know I do moves I help people I just

276
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 be of service service service service service service service so much service and and it saved

277
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 my life like because I'm a self remember I said I'm selfish self-seeking dishonest and I'm just

278
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 full of fear like I will live there if you give me a chance and I I have a really good life you know

279
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 and I've stayed sober in the Pacific group and I guess I'll talk a little bit about what it's like

280
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 today for me so I haven't really talked about much so about three years ago my wife was we have

281
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 three kids at the time and she's pregnant and she's having complications earlier and she's on

282
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 bed rest and I got a call from my nanny and they found her unresponsive and I it was her birthday

283
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 and I went home and you know found her and we did some first aid you know I did some stuff to

284
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 whatever paramedics came and and you know they rushed her to the hospital and you know by the

285
00:24:17,060 --> 00:24:20,660
 time we get to the hospital I you know I've got like paramedics coming and that to me and saying

286
00:24:20,660 --> 00:24:26,180
 like we did everything we could man we're so sorry and like I mean it was pretty pretty intense and

287
00:24:26,180 --> 00:24:33,220
 you know long story short she was in the hospital for 10 days and somehow she walked out and the

288
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 doctors in the hospital is basically just their scientific like diagnosis is a miracle so that was

289
00:24:38,820 --> 00:24:44,500
 it was really intense it was really really crazy the reason I say that is because you know after

290
00:24:44,500 --> 00:24:49,860
 that you know three years ago you know we have three kids I've got a business I've been sober

291
00:24:49,860 --> 00:24:54,660
 we've got this great life and you know now we've been like given this blessing like we've been

292
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 given this like amazing opportunity you know my wife wasn't supposed to be here but she was

293
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 and so we have all this gratitude all this and this you know all this happiness but also what

294
00:25:06,100 --> 00:25:11,620
 was going on was you know I didn't realize like all night long I was getting up and like going

295
00:25:11,620 --> 00:25:17,220
 and checking on my kids all night long like five six times like you know and this went on for a

296
00:25:17,220 --> 00:25:23,380
 year and you know I thought I just had PTSD or whatever like you know and that original sponsor

297
00:25:23,380 --> 00:25:30,020
 that I had he had gotten sober on Thousand Oaks and he was on fire with the steps and he had about

298
00:25:30,020 --> 00:25:36,340
 six years of sobriety and Harold was out he had gone through this this way and Harold's had you

299
00:25:36,340 --> 00:25:41,540
 know you know it really worked for him and it worked for the other couple of the guys we knew

300
00:25:41,540 --> 00:25:45,780
 and they're like why don't you come out and do the steps with us in step group you know I was

301
00:25:45,780 --> 00:25:50,180
 like you know I do steps like you know I I'm sober you know I sponsor guys I go to meetings

302
00:25:50,180 --> 00:25:54,900
 I have commitments I say my prayers at night like I don't need to do the steps again like just come

303
00:25:54,900 --> 00:25:59,620
 on out so I go out this original sponsor and he's like you know we're talking I'm like yeah just

304
00:25:59,620 --> 00:26:03,860
 kind of tell him like yeah you know I got some PTSD or whatever he's like okay so he's like he's

305
00:26:03,860 --> 00:26:08,980
 like well let's just talk he's like you know step one he's like powerless over alcohol and you're

306
00:26:08,980 --> 00:26:13,140
 powerless over alcohol I'm like no you know you know I don't take a drink I don't you know so I

307
00:26:13,140 --> 00:26:16,900
 don't know you know if I don't take a drink I'm not gonna take another drink so I'm not powerless

308
00:26:16,900 --> 00:26:21,700
 right now and he's like unmanageable is your life unmanageable I'm like no dude like I just told you

309
00:26:21,700 --> 00:26:25,620
 I have this that and the other he's like dude you're getting up all night you're walking around

310
00:26:25,620 --> 00:26:30,980
 he's like it sounds like me like you're full of fear I was like oh yeah maybe I am like maybe

311
00:26:30,980 --> 00:26:36,020
 it's not just PTSD it's long story short I start going through the steps with him and with this

312
00:26:36,020 --> 00:26:46,020
 group and what I did was I took it really really seriously and I did the fourth and fifth and the

313
00:26:46,020 --> 00:26:51,460
 way they do it is you read your your fourth and fifth or you read your fifth and they give you

314
00:26:51,460 --> 00:26:56,740
 he's writing the whole time he like gives me what they call a receipt and on that receipt was all my

315
00:26:56,740 --> 00:27:01,860
 character defects as he saw them from what I was saying and I look at this list and there's like

316
00:27:01,860 --> 00:27:07,380
 a hundred like character defects and I'm like look man like are you serious like that's ridiculous

317
00:27:07,380 --> 00:27:12,580
 like like were you not listening to the same thing I was like I got 18 years of sobriety like

318
00:27:12,580 --> 00:27:19,140
 you chill out man like he's like cool yeah yeah so and he's like here's what we're gonna do now

319
00:27:19,140 --> 00:27:25,060
 you know and we jumped into six and seven so then we identified my you know six and and then seven

320
00:27:25,060 --> 00:27:31,060
 was you know asking god you know for the contrary for the contrary actions and that's when my life

321
00:27:31,060 --> 00:27:36,820
 really really changed was was the six and seven and the fear inventory I forgot about that so

322
00:27:36,820 --> 00:27:41,940
 the fear inventory that was the other thing that we did so I did the fear inventory and I gave it

323
00:27:41,940 --> 00:27:46,820
 to him and there's like 15 fears and he looks at me he's like you gotta be kidding me he's like you

324
00:27:46,820 --> 00:27:51,140
 need to go sit and write for a while he's like I want you to write every single fear you have like

325
00:27:51,140 --> 00:27:55,700
 write your fears fears like you know put them all down and I was like all right man and like I

326
00:27:55,700 --> 00:28:02,580
 ended up writing like 100 fears I wrote it I did it and I gave it to god and um um did the six and

327
00:28:02,580 --> 00:28:10,100
 seven and um I gotta tell you like within like you know a few weeks like I stopped getting up at

328
00:28:10,100 --> 00:28:16,260
 night like I stopped I stopped well I didn't stop entirely like you know maybe like once but like it

329
00:28:16,260 --> 00:28:21,140
 wasn't like five six times it wasn't like all night like there wasn't like that fear that I

330
00:28:21,140 --> 00:28:26,500
 didn't even realize I had because the thing about alcoholism the thing the thing is about alcoholism

331
00:28:26,500 --> 00:28:31,460
 is like I'm always the last one to see my alcoholism like my wife can see it my friends

332
00:28:31,460 --> 00:28:37,860
 can see it my sponsor can see it anybody else can see it like I can't see it like that's that's why

333
00:28:37,860 --> 00:28:43,060
 this is this disease is so insidious like I think everything's cool like if you would ask me if

334
00:28:43,060 --> 00:28:48,980
 everything was fine I would have told you yes um and um you know going back through these steps has

335
00:28:48,980 --> 00:28:58,580
 been a huge huge um huge huge like bump to my sobriety because I was doing you know I was doing

336
00:28:58,580 --> 00:29:03,700
 all the basic stuff and you know I really got back into in the mornings you know I wake up first thing

337
00:29:03,700 --> 00:29:11,140
 at 5 30 and I hit my knees and I say the third step and I say the seven step prayer and you know

338
00:29:11,140 --> 00:29:17,380
 in the past I've always like asked God um oh and I I say it out loud now so God can actually hear me

339
00:29:17,380 --> 00:29:23,700
 um which is kind of weird like the first night I did it with my wife like they're like no you

340
00:29:23,700 --> 00:29:28,500
 gotta say it out loud so I draw to my knees and I always get on my knees and I'm like dear God like

341
00:29:28,500 --> 00:29:33,860
 and my wife's like her ears pure like perk up and uh you know I started like saying like please help

342
00:29:33,860 --> 00:29:40,100
 me with this and please help me with that and then like I hear my wife and please help him with like

343
00:29:40,100 --> 00:29:46,020
 I'm like okay yeah now now that you know she's mine too so anyway so that's how I start my

344
00:29:46,020 --> 00:29:51,380
 mornings you know and and what I do is I ask God for the contrary action and that's a big difference

345
00:29:51,380 --> 00:29:57,060
 for me like before it was always like hey God like you know help me not be so this and help me be like

346
00:29:57,060 --> 00:30:02,260
 that which is fine but like now I wake up and I'm like oh my God help me to be kind help me to be

347
00:30:02,260 --> 00:30:09,140
 patient help me to be loving like help me to you know keep my my hands open you know and be able

348
00:30:09,140 --> 00:30:15,220
 to accept like whatever is coming my way and like it's just a kind of it's just been a change of like

349
00:30:15,220 --> 00:30:21,380
 you know um you know change of just kind of mental whatever and small little tweak and um

350
00:30:21,380 --> 00:30:27,540
 it's made a big difference you know and like I said I've got four uh you know four kids all

351
00:30:27,540 --> 00:30:34,260
 under the age of 10 so my life uh gets a little bit uh challenging here and there um and I can't

352
00:30:34,260 --> 00:30:41,860
 get to as many meetings as I do but you know I um on a daily basis I make sure that I check in with

353
00:30:41,860 --> 00:30:47,540
 like three four I call my sponsor every day and I make sure to check in with like three four you

354
00:30:47,540 --> 00:30:53,700
 know so Remembrance of Alcoholics Anonymous every single day because you know I gotta stay connected

355
00:30:53,700 --> 00:30:58,660
 I gotta like like I said I don't see half the things like you know I don't see the obvious

356
00:30:58,660 --> 00:31:03,700
 things in me but if I you know consistently see people they're like hey like you know something's

357
00:31:03,700 --> 00:31:11,060
 not you know this isn't right or that's not right um and um I uh I think I'm just about close and

358
00:31:11,060 --> 00:31:16,500
 um there's nothing better than a speaker that ends a few minutes early so I really want to thank

359
00:31:16,500 --> 00:31:20,420
 Alex for uh having me out here this meeting was awesome I love the way you guys approach things

360
00:31:20,420 --> 00:31:24,420
 and the two the 10 minutes that was again that was awesome I really appreciate it and thanks

361
00:31:24,420 --> 00:31:24,980
 for having me out here