Now I'd like to introduce our main speaker, Joyce E.
- Hi, I'm Joyce, and I'm an alcoholic.
And thank you, Alex, for asking me to share.
And I thought the cakes were going first.
I'm like, what, wait, wait, wait.
Anyways, whatever.
So my sobriety date is December 1st, 2004,
and my home group is Bekoima,
and I'm starting to fiddle around with rafters
and places in Santa Clarita, 'cause we move there.
And I'm finding some really good women's meetings, so.
And it's so good to see Carolyn.
She's known me since I was new,
and she was one of my solids.
And I started at Dumetz, right?
Dumetz, yeah, Dumetz and Woodland Hills,
all the women's meetings.
And I started, my first meeting was the Pacific group,
'cause my sister's the one who actually took me
to my first meeting.
And, you know, well, what it was like was,
you know, I drank a lot.
And my parents were alcoholics, and so it was real easy.
It wasn't a big deal that I drank.
I started drinking at 17, and they were cool with it.
As long as you don't drink and drive,
which I did all the time, and so did they,
so it was just kind of a thing to say the right thing.
And, you know, so, and all the parties
were at my parents' house, and I had the cool parents,
and everybody who got kicked out came to our house,
and, or who just didn't wanna be at their house.
And we had horses, and, you know, my experience,
I always think about, like, people who talk
about their alcoholic parents, and oddly,
my parents only drank on the weekends for the most part,
and they worked, and they kept their jobs,
they retired from their jobs.
I guess they could control their drinking
to a certain extent, and that was the plan for me.
I was like, that's awesome!
I had two sisters who got carried away with their drug use,
and that was not allowed in the house,
because it was very bad, and so I always swore
I was never gonna snort anything up my nose,
which I did not, and me, because I always thought,
oh, that's terrible, and I just, I always say,
I hope I never go out, because I didn't know
that cocaine made you drink more.
I would've totally went out for probably years longer
if I knew that, and no one shared that until I got here.
And it was too late!
And so I, you know, I look back, and I loved my childhood.
It was probably a little scary, but I didn't know any better,
so it was cool, you know, like, my parents drank.
Every weekend, for the most part, we went horseback riding.
I got my own horse at, like, young, like, nine.
We took the trailer, we'd go, and I had little friends
from their friends, and it was just a big, huge,
you know, party on the weekends, or if it wasn't riding,
my family was huge, and we had the parties at our house,
and so there was party, party, party.
Drinking was fun, yay, yay, yay.
And so I, the first time I really started drinking,
like, with my parents, is I went on a cruise
with my sister and my mom, and they let me drink,
'cause, you know, on a cruise, you can drink when you're 18,
but I was 17, but who, you know, who was asking?
And so off we went, and me and my sister had a blast,
from whatever I remember.
And it was actually sort of scary,
we almost didn't make it back on the boat one time,
and she was gonna kill me, and I, like, told her boyfriend,
well, the boyfriend for the weekend, like,
here it is, la la la, and so he left us,
and he was the captain of the ship.
Yeah, it was all bad, it was horrible,
like, that's the kind of drunk I am, is like,
you don't tell me, and you don't treat my sister like that,
and then people leave.
And so we were walking, I'm like, the boat's right there.
Although, I was like, it's right there, it's right there,
she's like, that is not the right ship,
and I was like, yes it is, and we got there, it was not.
And so his girlfriend that he was hitting on
that I got mad about came and picked us up,
because she was, like, a photographer or something,
so apparently they can't leave us.
Anyways, that was a crazy story.
And, but just stupid stuff like that, just having fun.
And that was fun for me,
is just creating, like, complete havoc,
and just doing stupid stuff.
I never really got caught, you know, I didn't get caught,
I got in the bar fights, but I didn't get arrested.
I, you know, drove drinking and driving constantly
for 17 years, and I don't even know
how I didn't get caught in pulled over.
It was all bad, and I just didn't get caught.
And by the time I came in, I was with this guy,
and he was cool that I partied,
and we had a nice place that we were staying in,
I had a pool, it was big, it was blah, blah, blah,
a dog, whatever, and I, it should have been,
you know, from the outside, it looked really good.
Like, I was like, why am I so miserable?
And, you know, that whole thing of, like,
the guy's gonna make me happy,
the house is gonna make me happy, the job, you know,
I didn't really like the job, but whatever.
And so I was always, I always kinda wanted a career,
but, you know, I could never stay in school,
because I, you know, drinking was more important.
And so I remember going to school, and I was like,
I'm gonna do this, and I moved out of the house,
because I thought, you know, my parents drink a lot,
and da, da, da, maybe that's why I'm not staying sober,
and I wasn't gonna get a TV, and so I didn't,
and I got three jobs, and I still drank like crazy.
So, you know, it just wasn't, nothing would stop me.
And it was just that continuous madness.
So I meet up with this guy, blah, blah, blah,
where I'm miserable, because I hate myself,
and I can't stop drinking,
and I can't remember what I do at parties,
and we're having parties,
and then I'm not being invited to parties,
because I'm so obnoxious,
and then somebody slips and tells me there was a party,
and my feelings are hurt, and all that kind of stuff.
And again, just like weighing and tearing out my heart
of like, why can't I stop drinking?
And so I finally asked my sister to take me to a meeting,
and that's where I ended up at the Monday night meeting.
And it was a huge, huge meeting,
and I was just like, oh my God.
And my sister told me, you know what?
You don't have to say that you're an alcoholic,
just say you're here to support me.
And so I was like, okay.
And so I went, and I'm like, oh,
and some guy came up to me, and he said,
oh, so you're here just to support your sister,
or are you an alcoholic?
And I was like, ugh, and I was like, I'm an alcoholic,
and I just started crying, you know?
And like, ugh, the truth was out.
And everyone was shocked.
And, yeah, the room stood still.
No, I'm just kidding.
But it was the first time that I could kind of be relieved,
and like, ugh, you know, finally just let it go.
And so I start at that meeting, and you know how they are.
It's like, well, I don't know if you know how they are,
but they're like you guys, like,
you're gonna do this, you're gonna do that,
you're gonna blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
And thank God, you know,
because I'm a people pleaser at heart,
and I was like, okay, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And this lady, I remember she said like,
"Oh, go talk to her."
She was probably trying,
my sister was trying to make me
get sponsored by this woman, probably.
And so I started talking to her, and she was like,
"Oh, this is the meeting directory, blah, blah, blah."
I know, she was like, "Okay, whatever."
And she gave me her phone number.
And so I went to a meeting, and it was the demands meeting.
And so I was like, oh, and I remember calling her,
and being like, "I went to a meeting."
I was very proud of myself.
And she was like, "Oh, okay, well,
what meeting are you gonna go to tomorrow?"
And I was just like, "Oh, like, okay.
Like, I guess I'll go to the same one.
It's at 10 o'clock, whatever."
And then I called her the next day,
"Oh, what meeting are you gonna go to tomorrow?"
I'm just like, "What is with this chick?"
You know, like, damn it.
And I was like, "I am not going to a meeting tomorrow.
I'm getting a dialogue."
And she was like, "I don't think that's a good idea.
Your sobriety comes first."
And I was like, "Yeah, whatever.
Okay, great, bye, click."
And never called her again.
And so it ended up that, you know, like, I had a resentment
towards that woman, you know.
It's funny 'cause I see her every once in a while,
and she doesn't even know it.
And I always go like, "I'm gonna go up to her."
But I always at the end never remember.
But I always think, "Gosh, she led me to my home group,
the home group that saved my life,
the home group by Carolyn."
And, you know, 15 leaders, here we are.
And who made me love Alcoholics Anonymous,
and the women who said like,
"Joy," 'cause, you know, everybody's dead.
And that's what I love about AA,
'cause it's always about like, somebody says,
"Oh, I came in, they told me to sit down and shut up,
and blah, blah, blah, and that's what I needed."
And these people told me like,
"Joyce, are you ever gonna talk?
Like, say something, you know?"
And now you can't shut me up, I say.
And I was terrified because of that.
You know, I was at a point I think that we all get to
where it was like, even getting,
I just planned to come here and get sober
and be a goody-two-shoes like my sister
and have a nice, boring life,
'cause I assumed she was bored.
And she seemed fine with it,
and she was very successful in things, and still is.
But it was just like, I thought,
I'm not gonna be like that.
I'm gonna be bored, I'm gonna be horrible, whatever,
but it's gotta be better than where I'm at today, you know?
And so, I came in and I found my first sponsor,
and I was so lucky.
She was just so easy.
Like, she was like, I remember,
I was actually trying to go with this one sponsor.
They kept passing me around, probably,
'cause they were like, "Oh, I'm not sponsoring that crazy.
All she does is cry.
You dig her!"
And so, this one lady, Julie, she was like so crazy.
I loved her.
And she was like, "Oh, girl, I don't sponsor people."
And I was like, "Okay, whatever."
And then, so I went to Sandy, and Sandy said like,
"Oh, I got a perfect person for you, Rhonda."
And me and Rhonda look at each other like, "What the hell?
Like, we don't even know each other."
So, we had gone to the same meeting for like 30 days,
but I was like, "I don't know who she is."
Anyway, so we finally, I start to talk to her,
probably, you know, a week or two into it,
like, "Oh, I don't really know what to do."
And she's like, "I don't know what to do either.
Like, you're my first sponsor.
I don't know what I'm doing."
And she goes, "If you want somebody else, I don't blame you.
You just kinda got caught up in that."
Like, I love her.
So, that started our thing.
And she took me through my steps, and it took three years
to get through my steps, 'cause I'm a lagger,
and scared, and blah, blah, blah.
But I was always going to meetings,
and she never like pressured me.
She was always like, "Well, as long as you're in a step,
that's all that matters.
You know what step you're on,
so when you're ready to move on, you will."
And I loved that.
And I, you know, I used to say, "Oh, I don't recommend that."
But like, I really love my sobriety,
and I don't regret anything that I did with it.
I made mistakes, and I remember I did go through the steps,
and then I left the secret out.
And so, every meeting.
And so, to me, it's always the meeting.
I always say the meeting makers make it,
because at the meetings is always what guides me.
Like, that's God's direction for me,
and along with everything else.
But I remember like, "Oh, secrets make you sick.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah."
And I was just like, "Ugh, come on already.
Like, I don't wanna like solve this."
So, I got a different sponsor,
because I didn't wanna tell her that I lied to her.
And I ended up telling her anyways.
But it was just kind of a way that,
at the time, I probably had like five years.
And I started not really going to,
I think I moved back with my parents, because I,
yeah, I did.
Because I left, I left that great guy.
And I remember thinking like,
he was a part of the reason I got sober.
I was like, "Oh my God, he's gonna find out,
and like not wanna, you know, be with some drunk girl."
And I got sober and then realized like,
"Oh, he smoked pot every day and he, you know,
drank on the weekends."
And then I was like, "Oh, you know,
maybe he does have a problem."
And he'd always ask me, "Do you think I have a problem?"
And I'd be like, "That's not for me to say.
That's what they told me here."
And then one day I was like,
"Yeah, I think you have a problem.
Can you stop?"
And he was like, "Anyone got a beer?"
And so it was like one of those things.
So, eventually I had to leave.
And it was like those, that turning point,
one of those turning points of like,
do I stay with this guy and drink?
Because that's what's gonna happen.
Or do I stay sober?
And I loved, by that time,
I was probably about a year and a half sober.
And I loved sobriety and I was going to a lot of meetings
and I loved the women that I met.
And we were going to coffee
and I had gotten really good friends.
And I was like, and he was probably bothered by that too.
And I just said, "Screw it, I'm leaving.
I've got to get out of here."
And so I went to my parents' house.
Yay, what, 33, 34, again.
And I always say, "My poor parents."
But I always was so grateful for my parents
because they always accepted me back.
And they always loved me through thick and thin.
And I always, that was my thing when I came in
is if my mom does, that's gonna be the end of me.
I'm gonna drink.
And I always used to cry with them.
And then my dad died in sobriety
about two and a half years into my sobriety.
And Rhonda and I had people come in
and supporting me at his funeral.
And I got to speak at his service.
It wasn't only a funeral.
But I got to say, I love my dad.
He was a great dad.
And we didn't have the best relationship like me and my mom.
But I always say, I listened to him after he passed.
I was always too stubborn to listen out when he was alive.
And those things that I couldn't forgive him for,
I forgave him for finally.
And that was a huge release for me.
And so I ended up still with my mom for many years.
And she had gotten into her sickness and Vicodin
and whatever she could get her hands on.
And that was a really painful, hard experience as well.
And I was still going to meetings.
And at that time I started school.
And I wanted to go to x-ray school.
And they accepted me in Pasadena.
I was with Rhonda at a convention that she paid for it.
She'd always take me to some really cool things.
And when we went to like San Diego or something,
it was me, her, and this girl Tracy.
And my sister called and said, oh, I got some really good--
or no, she goes, oh, I have your Pasadena thing.
I was expecting to--
OK, what it was is like a draw on the hat sort of thing.
And I thought, I never win anything.
This has never happened.
So I'm the lazy person, the procrastinator who was like,
y'all put in my application.
I did the things.
I'll never get picked.
At least it'll be like a couple of years.
And so she's like, oh, the thing came.
The note came from Pasadena.
Do you want me to open it?
And I was like, yeah, sure, go ahead.
And she was like, you got in.
And I was like, ugh.
I just was like sick to my stomach.
And she's like, hello?
And Tracy and Rhonda are like, what's wrong with you?
And so Rhonda's like, come on, we need to go talk.
And I was like, oh my god, I hate school.
I haven't done anything for-- it was like a two-year program.
I'm like, I haven't done anything for two years
every day.
I just don't think I can do it.
And she was like, you know what, Joyce?
Why don't you just go until they kick you out?
And I was like, OK, what the hell?
That sounded reasonable.
So she's like, just go the first day and see what happens.
And so literally for two years, that's what I did,
is just went until they were going to kick me out
or I messed up and they weren't going to get rid of me.
And they didn't.
Woo-hoo!
And so I passed that.
And then it was like a year to get a job.
That was fun.
Because I look back and I always say the biggest lesson
I feel in AA--
I don't know if it's God's lesson or whatever--
but was I have to work for the things that I want.
And I was always really spoiled.
And I was the youngest.
So it was always like, oh, if you don't want to do that,
don't do it.
If you don't want to-- oh, you want to quit that job, quit.
And I always had somebody back my bullshit.
And I just was like, what happened?
So where was I at?
So yeah, the lesson.
So when I came to AA, it was all about having accountability,
doing what you say you're going to do, all that kind of stuff.
And I stepped up to it.
And I actually could do it slowly, a little bit
at a time.
And it started with meetings, started
with being a secretary at an AA meeting.
And that was a big deal.
And then it started taking the stuff into my life
and going to school and going to meetings
to hear that people were going back to school
and blah, blah, blah.
And I always really wanted to do that.
But I really thought--
I had gone out of school, been out of school for so long.
I thought, I'm too stupid.
I can't do it.
And then it just got to a point where I was like,
well, if they can do it, I can do it.
And that gradual self-worth, and by doing work and figuring out
that I just have a lot of fear, that's not real.
And so I got through the schooling,
and then I couldn't find a job.
That was great.
And it took a year for me to finally find a job that they
would just let me volunteer at.
But during that year, I had really
been connected with Pacoima.
And they had a group that came, a house that came.
It was Oasis.
And there was a lady, Anjone, and Barney, who ran it.
And they were a married couple, and they were tough.
And they had these girls.
It was an all-girl house.
And they opened their house to these women
who were either straight out of jail or off the streets.
And I started going there, started knowing them,
and started sponsoring women there.
And it could be because it was like every Sunday, I could go.
And in the front seats were lines
of women who needed sponsors.
And so I slowly started going and sponsoring them,
going over to the house.
I was terrified of Anjone and Barney.
They were scary people.
And eventually, that became my Sunday afternoon for--
well, at least that's like--
it was probably prior to that that I started sponsoring.
But that year was like every Sunday,
I could be sponsoring two girls at a time or whatever.
And I got to be there and experience
that it's not there anymore.
I think of how much they sponsored me, kind of.
They got these girls there.
And I was at a really low point.
I have so many low points in my sobriety.
So I thought, until I look back and go, wow,
I wasn't ready for that job yet.
And so I was ready to help these women and be grateful
that I was sober and that I was there.
And I could hear their pain and what they were going through
and know like, well, I've gotten past that.
I can go a little further.
And I can't quit because if I quit,
what am I telling these girls?
I don't have kids and stuff.
So I had to have somebody--
I remember when I was so desperate,
I called one of the girls.
And she was in PG.
And she was kind of a stickler.
And she had me do this assignment.
And it all ended up to say, what's
the worst that can happen?
And the worst for me, the last three things were kind of like,
I can't sponsor these women because I'm a failure.
And then I'll drink.
And then I'll die.
And it was like, every single time,
it would be like, what if this happened?
What if this happened?
And I always think about that.
And I always think because you guys,
when I come to the meetings and I'm
struggling with whatever, a death, not getting a job,
anything, good news is not always good for me.
I did get a job.
And then I was like, ah, then I had
to work with this doctor who is mean.
And he yelled at me a lot.
And I was just like, oh, god, finally I got this shit.
No, Norm's totally screwed because he's evil.
But I was determined by that time.
And you guys had taught me, it doesn't matter.
You stood up, and you showed up, and you're on early.
I was always early.
And I got a really good position, actually,
after I volunteered there.
And they said, well, maybe in a year, we can hire you.
And I thought, oh, all I need is my foot in the door
because I'm a good worker.
I'll show up, and I'll do what you tell me to do.
I just need my foot in the door.
So after like two months, they hired me.
Full time, benefits, and some people were there
and didn't have those things, and so they were happy.
But I was x-ray tech.
I wasn't a nurse, so they couldn't get mad at me.
And I worked there for seven years with that same doctor.
And he taught me so much.
It was like those people who are so difficult in your life,
usually your family for me, and also this doctor.
And I was very sensitive.
And he kind of changed that for me.
I kind of realized that when somebody yells at you
or they're upset, I always took that personal.
It was always like, oh, what did I do?
What can I do to make you happy?
I don't want you to be mad at me.
And it got so tiring that I was just like, well, sorry.
I don't know what to tell you anymore, my friend.
And so I just got like whatever, and it bounced off me finally.
And I always took that stuff.
And at the time I started there, it
was like a time where I was doing meditation and stuff.
And there was a meditation church thing
that one of the girls I was sponsoring showed me.
And I was like, I'm going to that place.
And things like from sponsorship and sponsoring,
it's opened me up to so many places and things
that I can go to when I'm in pain, not only meetings,
but places I can meditate, ideas, different ideas
in my own brain.
Today when you drink and you just have that stuff piling up
on you, and I was thinking about that,
it just keeps piling up and piling up.
And you're just trying to struggle just
to push out of it.
And it was like, gosh, I don't know how I got so free.
And it's because I did the work.
And I'm still doing the work because I like feeling free.
And I feel like when I came here, instead of always
when I drank and I caused all that ruckus and craziness,
that it's been the opposite of like, oh,
if I sponsored a girl and she went out or whatever,
and it's like we run into people we sponsor all the time.
And like, hey.
And they're like, ooh, you know, I saw a girl the other day.
He actually made me go into the store.
And I was like, I don't want to go into the store.
And I went in and I saw this girl.
And I used to sponsor her years ago.
And she was like, oh my god.
And we just hugged.
And it's like I can meet up with people eye to eye
and feel proud that I know them.
And they are not going, oh, there's
that woman who slept with my boyfriend
or did some crap to me or slapped me or whatever,
because I was crazy when I drank.
And instead, it's like I'm more of a use to the world, I guess.
I think AA just makes us so much more useful.
And then when you're useful, you feel whole.
And you feel like, oh, I can leave my house today.
I didn't want to leave places after drinking binges
and all that kind of stuff, because I couldn't remember
what I did and who I hurt.
And I was afraid to go to the next party,
to be quite honest with you.
And today, it's just full of life.
It's hard.
And then that horrible thing happened.
My mom did die.
And I got to--
I was saying the other day with AA,
my sister's sponsor was sick.
And so when I was looking for that job in that year,
they asked me to be a caregiver for her for a couple of days
or whatever, because that's what I was doing at the time.
And so a couple of years later, they
called me because she said she was dying.
And if I wanted to be with them when it happened,
and I said sure.
So I went down there.
And my sister's a nurse, so she knew the kind of breathing
and stuff that happens and the kind of stuff happens.
And I got to be there to suit up and show up and be
with the AA girls, because I knew them from my Monday night
meeting a long time before that.
And so then after that, one of my best friend's moms
was passing a cancer, same thing.
And so I got to show up for her.
And I hadn't seen her in a long time.
And her mom was like a second mom to me too growing up.
And same thing, I got to be there.
The day that she passed, it was really crazy,
and to be of service and do those things.
And so when it came to be my mom,
I was so blessed that my mom made a decision of like,
I want to be in hospice.
I want to die.
I'm over it.
And so she got to make that decision.
The nurse was there.
And we actually expected her to live a lot longer than she did.
But she did.
She got sick, and same thing.
And I got to be there.
And I heard about you guys doing all that kind of stuff.
And I thought, oh, I could never do that.
And so now when I have--
that was probably the biggest hurdle.
One of the other thing is my niece's baby died.
This was before my mom's death and in between my mom and dad's
death.
And I remember feeling like, what kind of God does this?
And that's when I struggled with God.
I've always believed in God.
I'm not religious.
I don't go to church.
I'm kind of open in that way.
But I'm not really like--
I don't know, this religious thing kind of freaks me out.
But that's just me.
But I do have a higher power.
And I'm so grateful.
Charles-- I met Charles at Macquaima.
And what we've been together in April will be eight years.
And he's my fiancee for five.
And he's so cute.
And I don't work for him, too.
And I had to go through some--
anyways, that's a whole different meeting.
And I-- but at that time--
we were living together at that time.
And I remember just struggling and being like, what's with God?
And why is God doing this?
And blah, blah, blah, that sort of crap.
And he was like, it's not God.
It's life.
And I was like, oh.
And so it completely just kind of gave me
a different perspective.
And the thing is, is if you--
because I didn't-- maybe I kind of gave up on God.
But I never gave up on AA.
And so I always just kept going to meetings.
And that's always my bottom line,
is I'm always going to rely on you guys
to help me find either my God if I've lost them, my mother
if I've lost her, my father.
There's been people who come into my life that
make up for those things that might have had to leave.
And that's what I was looking for.
I was looking for this big place of love.
And it's such a miracle.
And if you're new, the new guy--
oh, my God.
If you-- I always say if your life sucks, just stay here.
It'll change.
I mean, sometimes I thought like, oh, my God.
I got something for this.
I got something for that.
I got something for this.
But I always stayed.
And on the other side was always something better.
And it sometimes wasn't even what I wanted.
It was something that was better.
I can't even explain it.
I never thought that my life could be like this.
And it was just from going to meetings, doing work,
doing the things that people say, helping others.
And it makes you feel good.
And I always say I came here just to get sober.
And I didn't think that you guys would actually
give me a full life and something
that I could look forward to and an answer to every problem.
And you guys open up and are honest.
And please keep doing that.
I need that.
Because then I always have hope that whenever
that thing that is happening to you is going to happen to me.
I know, because it has.
And now I don't really have hope.
I know.
I know that it works.
And I'm so grateful.
I always came here completely empty
and feeling like my life is never going to change.
It's never going to get better.
And it's what I wish I would have listened to.
Well, I eventually got to listen to my parents.
When you're drinking and doing whatever,
they're always after you.
Everybody's after you.
And the truth is that the world's not that grim.
And it's actually really a beautiful place.
And I'm so grateful that you all have welcomed me
and been nice to me.
And if you're having a hard time, just stay.
Just don't drink.
Just go to meetings and see what happens.
So thank you for letting me share.
Now I'd like to introduce your secretary, Alex.