1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:03,560 Now I'd like to introduce our main speaker, Joyce E. 2 00:00:03,560 --> 00:00:06,300 - Hi, I'm Joyce, and I'm an alcoholic. 3 00:00:06,300 --> 00:00:11,280 And thank you, Alex, for asking me to share. 4 00:00:11,280 --> 00:00:13,440 And I thought the cakes were going first. 5 00:00:13,440 --> 00:00:15,120 I'm like, what, wait, wait, wait. 6 00:00:15,120 --> 00:00:16,240 Anyways, whatever. 7 00:00:16,240 --> 00:00:21,560 So my sobriety date is December 1st, 2004, 8 00:00:21,560 --> 00:00:26,880 and my home group is Bekoima, 9 00:00:26,880 --> 00:00:30,560 and I'm starting to fiddle around with rafters 10 00:00:30,560 --> 00:00:34,880 and places in Santa Clarita, 'cause we move there. 11 00:00:34,880 --> 00:00:38,300 And I'm finding some really good women's meetings, so. 12 00:00:38,300 --> 00:00:40,300 And it's so good to see Carolyn. 13 00:00:40,300 --> 00:00:42,760 She's known me since I was new, 14 00:00:42,760 --> 00:00:44,720 and she was one of my solids. 15 00:00:44,720 --> 00:00:49,720 And I started at Dumetz, right? 16 00:00:49,720 --> 00:00:53,760 Dumetz, yeah, Dumetz and Woodland Hills, 17 00:00:53,760 --> 00:00:54,760 all the women's meetings. 18 00:00:54,760 --> 00:00:58,080 And I started, my first meeting was the Pacific group, 19 00:00:58,080 --> 00:01:00,480 'cause my sister's the one who actually took me 20 00:01:00,480 --> 00:01:02,640 to my first meeting. 21 00:01:02,640 --> 00:01:04,840 And, you know, well, what it was like was, 22 00:01:04,840 --> 00:01:06,560 you know, I drank a lot. 23 00:01:06,560 --> 00:01:10,480 And my parents were alcoholics, and so it was real easy. 24 00:01:10,480 --> 00:01:11,800 It wasn't a big deal that I drank. 25 00:01:11,800 --> 00:01:14,300 I started drinking at 17, and they were cool with it. 26 00:01:14,300 --> 00:01:15,640 As long as you don't drink and drive, 27 00:01:15,640 --> 00:01:17,360 which I did all the time, and so did they, 28 00:01:17,360 --> 00:01:19,880 so it was just kind of a thing to say the right thing. 29 00:01:19,880 --> 00:01:21,840 And, you know, so, and all the parties 30 00:01:21,840 --> 00:01:24,720 were at my parents' house, and I had the cool parents, 31 00:01:24,720 --> 00:01:26,680 and everybody who got kicked out came to our house, 32 00:01:26,680 --> 00:01:29,040 and, or who just didn't wanna be at their house. 33 00:01:29,040 --> 00:01:34,040 And we had horses, and, you know, my experience, 34 00:01:34,040 --> 00:01:35,720 I always think about, like, people who talk 35 00:01:35,720 --> 00:01:37,920 about their alcoholic parents, and oddly, 36 00:01:37,920 --> 00:01:41,600 my parents only drank on the weekends for the most part, 37 00:01:41,600 --> 00:01:43,880 and they worked, and they kept their jobs, 38 00:01:43,880 --> 00:01:45,680 they retired from their jobs. 39 00:01:45,680 --> 00:01:47,640 I guess they could control their drinking 40 00:01:47,640 --> 00:01:52,000 to a certain extent, and that was the plan for me. 41 00:01:52,000 --> 00:01:54,320 I was like, that's awesome! 42 00:01:54,320 --> 00:01:58,680 I had two sisters who got carried away with their drug use, 43 00:01:58,680 --> 00:02:01,400 and that was not allowed in the house, 44 00:02:01,400 --> 00:02:04,440 because it was very bad, and so I always swore 45 00:02:04,440 --> 00:02:05,920 I was never gonna snort anything up my nose, 46 00:02:05,920 --> 00:02:10,200 which I did not, and me, because I always thought, 47 00:02:10,200 --> 00:02:13,660 oh, that's terrible, and I just, I always say, 48 00:02:13,660 --> 00:02:15,360 I hope I never go out, because I didn't know 49 00:02:15,360 --> 00:02:16,760 that cocaine made you drink more. 50 00:02:16,760 --> 00:02:19,000 I would've totally went out for probably years longer 51 00:02:19,000 --> 00:02:22,200 if I knew that, and no one shared that until I got here. 52 00:02:22,200 --> 00:02:24,520 And it was too late! 53 00:02:24,520 --> 00:02:29,520 And so I, you know, I look back, and I loved my childhood. 54 00:02:29,520 --> 00:02:33,200 It was probably a little scary, but I didn't know any better, 55 00:02:33,200 --> 00:02:35,760 so it was cool, you know, like, my parents drank. 56 00:02:35,760 --> 00:02:39,400 Every weekend, for the most part, we went horseback riding. 57 00:02:39,400 --> 00:02:43,400 I got my own horse at, like, young, like, nine. 58 00:02:43,400 --> 00:02:47,060 We took the trailer, we'd go, and I had little friends 59 00:02:47,060 --> 00:02:50,680 from their friends, and it was just a big, huge, 60 00:02:50,680 --> 00:02:54,440 you know, party on the weekends, or if it wasn't riding, 61 00:02:54,440 --> 00:02:57,060 my family was huge, and we had the parties at our house, 62 00:02:57,060 --> 00:02:58,720 and so there was party, party, party. 63 00:02:58,720 --> 00:03:00,760 Drinking was fun, yay, yay, yay. 64 00:03:00,760 --> 00:03:04,960 And so I, the first time I really started drinking, 65 00:03:04,960 --> 00:03:06,540 like, with my parents, is I went on a cruise 66 00:03:06,540 --> 00:03:09,560 with my sister and my mom, and they let me drink, 67 00:03:09,560 --> 00:03:12,400 'cause, you know, on a cruise, you can drink when you're 18, 68 00:03:12,400 --> 00:03:15,080 but I was 17, but who, you know, who was asking? 69 00:03:15,080 --> 00:03:18,420 And so off we went, and me and my sister had a blast, 70 00:03:18,420 --> 00:03:19,960 from whatever I remember. 71 00:03:19,960 --> 00:03:22,240 And it was actually sort of scary, 72 00:03:22,240 --> 00:03:24,640 we almost didn't make it back on the boat one time, 73 00:03:24,640 --> 00:03:28,320 and she was gonna kill me, and I, like, told her boyfriend, 74 00:03:28,320 --> 00:03:30,080 well, the boyfriend for the weekend, like, 75 00:03:30,080 --> 00:03:33,200 here it is, la la la, and so he left us, 76 00:03:33,200 --> 00:03:35,100 and he was the captain of the ship. 77 00:03:35,100 --> 00:03:38,200 Yeah, it was all bad, it was horrible, 78 00:03:38,200 --> 00:03:39,920 like, that's the kind of drunk I am, is like, 79 00:03:39,920 --> 00:03:43,400 you don't tell me, and you don't treat my sister like that, 80 00:03:43,400 --> 00:03:44,640 and then people leave. 81 00:03:44,640 --> 00:03:47,420 And so we were walking, I'm like, the boat's right there. 82 00:03:47,420 --> 00:03:49,440 Although, I was like, it's right there, it's right there, 83 00:03:49,440 --> 00:03:51,600 she's like, that is not the right ship, 84 00:03:51,600 --> 00:03:54,680 and I was like, yes it is, and we got there, it was not. 85 00:03:54,680 --> 00:03:57,180 And so his girlfriend that he was hitting on 86 00:03:57,180 --> 00:03:58,940 that I got mad about came and picked us up, 87 00:03:58,940 --> 00:04:00,600 because she was, like, a photographer or something, 88 00:04:00,600 --> 00:04:02,020 so apparently they can't leave us. 89 00:04:02,020 --> 00:04:04,200 Anyways, that was a crazy story. 90 00:04:04,200 --> 00:04:07,760 And, but just stupid stuff like that, just having fun. 91 00:04:07,760 --> 00:04:09,700 And that was fun for me, 92 00:04:09,700 --> 00:04:12,020 is just creating, like, complete havoc, 93 00:04:12,020 --> 00:04:14,560 and just doing stupid stuff. 94 00:04:14,560 --> 00:04:18,360 I never really got caught, you know, I didn't get caught, 95 00:04:18,360 --> 00:04:22,040 I got in the bar fights, but I didn't get arrested. 96 00:04:22,040 --> 00:04:26,160 I, you know, drove drinking and driving constantly 97 00:04:26,160 --> 00:04:28,880 for 17 years, and I don't even know 98 00:04:28,880 --> 00:04:31,060 how I didn't get caught in pulled over. 99 00:04:31,060 --> 00:04:36,440 It was all bad, and I just didn't get caught. 100 00:04:36,440 --> 00:04:41,080 And by the time I came in, I was with this guy, 101 00:04:41,080 --> 00:04:42,720 and he was cool that I partied, 102 00:04:42,720 --> 00:04:45,460 and we had a nice place that we were staying in, 103 00:04:45,460 --> 00:04:48,480 I had a pool, it was big, it was blah, blah, blah, 104 00:04:48,480 --> 00:04:52,840 a dog, whatever, and I, it should have been, 105 00:04:52,840 --> 00:04:54,660 you know, from the outside, it looked really good. 106 00:04:54,660 --> 00:04:57,160 Like, I was like, why am I so miserable? 107 00:04:57,160 --> 00:04:59,980 And, you know, that whole thing of, like, 108 00:04:59,980 --> 00:05:01,360 the guy's gonna make me happy, 109 00:05:01,360 --> 00:05:04,360 the house is gonna make me happy, the job, you know, 110 00:05:04,360 --> 00:05:06,360 I didn't really like the job, but whatever. 111 00:05:06,360 --> 00:05:10,000 And so I was always, I always kinda wanted a career, 112 00:05:10,000 --> 00:05:11,680 but, you know, I could never stay in school, 113 00:05:11,680 --> 00:05:14,260 because I, you know, drinking was more important. 114 00:05:14,260 --> 00:05:16,160 And so I remember going to school, and I was like, 115 00:05:16,160 --> 00:05:19,720 I'm gonna do this, and I moved out of the house, 116 00:05:19,720 --> 00:05:21,360 because I thought, you know, my parents drink a lot, 117 00:05:21,360 --> 00:05:23,440 and da, da, da, maybe that's why I'm not staying sober, 118 00:05:23,440 --> 00:05:25,880 and I wasn't gonna get a TV, and so I didn't, 119 00:05:25,880 --> 00:05:29,520 and I got three jobs, and I still drank like crazy. 120 00:05:29,520 --> 00:05:32,520 So, you know, it just wasn't, nothing would stop me. 121 00:05:32,520 --> 00:05:35,180 And it was just that continuous madness. 122 00:05:35,180 --> 00:05:39,080 So I meet up with this guy, blah, blah, blah, 123 00:05:39,080 --> 00:05:42,760 where I'm miserable, because I hate myself, 124 00:05:42,760 --> 00:05:45,120 and I can't stop drinking, 125 00:05:45,120 --> 00:05:48,360 and I can't remember what I do at parties, 126 00:05:48,360 --> 00:05:50,080 and we're having parties, 127 00:05:50,080 --> 00:05:51,980 and then I'm not being invited to parties, 128 00:05:51,980 --> 00:05:53,280 because I'm so obnoxious, 129 00:05:53,280 --> 00:05:55,720 and then somebody slips and tells me there was a party, 130 00:05:55,720 --> 00:05:59,120 and my feelings are hurt, and all that kind of stuff. 131 00:05:59,120 --> 00:06:03,300 And again, just like weighing and tearing out my heart 132 00:06:03,300 --> 00:06:05,060 of like, why can't I stop drinking? 133 00:06:05,060 --> 00:06:08,200 And so I finally asked my sister to take me to a meeting, 134 00:06:08,200 --> 00:06:11,600 and that's where I ended up at the Monday night meeting. 135 00:06:11,600 --> 00:06:15,480 And it was a huge, huge meeting, 136 00:06:15,480 --> 00:06:17,800 and I was just like, oh my God. 137 00:06:17,800 --> 00:06:19,500 And my sister told me, you know what? 138 00:06:19,500 --> 00:06:22,160 You don't have to say that you're an alcoholic, 139 00:06:22,160 --> 00:06:23,640 just say you're here to support me. 140 00:06:23,640 --> 00:06:24,880 And so I was like, okay. 141 00:06:24,880 --> 00:06:26,720 And so I went, and I'm like, oh, 142 00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:29,480 and some guy came up to me, and he said, 143 00:06:29,480 --> 00:06:31,760 oh, so you're here just to support your sister, 144 00:06:31,760 --> 00:06:33,160 or are you an alcoholic? 145 00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:36,080 And I was like, ugh, and I was like, I'm an alcoholic, 146 00:06:36,080 --> 00:06:37,560 and I just started crying, you know? 147 00:06:37,560 --> 00:06:40,520 And like, ugh, the truth was out. 148 00:06:40,520 --> 00:06:43,120 And everyone was shocked. 149 00:06:43,120 --> 00:06:45,600 And, yeah, the room stood still. 150 00:06:45,600 --> 00:06:46,580 No, I'm just kidding. 151 00:06:46,580 --> 00:06:50,500 But it was the first time that I could kind of be relieved, 152 00:06:50,500 --> 00:06:54,120 and like, ugh, you know, finally just let it go. 153 00:06:54,120 --> 00:06:57,520 And so I start at that meeting, and you know how they are. 154 00:06:57,520 --> 00:06:59,160 It's like, well, I don't know if you know how they are, 155 00:06:59,160 --> 00:07:00,480 but they're like you guys, like, 156 00:07:00,480 --> 00:07:01,840 you're gonna do this, you're gonna do that, 157 00:07:01,840 --> 00:07:02,920 you're gonna blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. 158 00:07:02,920 --> 00:07:03,960 And thank God, you know, 159 00:07:03,960 --> 00:07:05,860 because I'm a people pleaser at heart, 160 00:07:05,860 --> 00:07:08,880 and I was like, okay, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. 161 00:07:08,880 --> 00:07:11,760 And this lady, I remember she said like, 162 00:07:11,760 --> 00:07:13,800 "Oh, go talk to her." 163 00:07:13,800 --> 00:07:14,680 She was probably trying, 164 00:07:14,680 --> 00:07:16,280 my sister was trying to make me 165 00:07:16,280 --> 00:07:17,880 get sponsored by this woman, probably. 166 00:07:17,880 --> 00:07:19,840 And so I started talking to her, and she was like, 167 00:07:19,840 --> 00:07:24,000 "Oh, this is the meeting directory, blah, blah, blah." 168 00:07:24,000 --> 00:07:25,400 I know, she was like, "Okay, whatever." 169 00:07:25,400 --> 00:07:26,480 And she gave me her phone number. 170 00:07:26,480 --> 00:07:28,640 And so I went to a meeting, and it was the demands meeting. 171 00:07:28,640 --> 00:07:31,920 And so I was like, oh, and I remember calling her, 172 00:07:31,920 --> 00:07:34,640 and being like, "I went to a meeting." 173 00:07:34,640 --> 00:07:36,120 I was very proud of myself. 174 00:07:36,120 --> 00:07:38,240 And she was like, "Oh, okay, well, 175 00:07:38,240 --> 00:07:39,880 what meeting are you gonna go to tomorrow?" 176 00:07:39,880 --> 00:07:41,840 And I was just like, "Oh, like, okay. 177 00:07:41,840 --> 00:07:43,200 Like, I guess I'll go to the same one. 178 00:07:43,200 --> 00:07:44,720 It's at 10 o'clock, whatever." 179 00:07:44,720 --> 00:07:47,180 And then I called her the next day, 180 00:07:47,180 --> 00:07:48,760 "Oh, what meeting are you gonna go to tomorrow?" 181 00:07:48,760 --> 00:07:50,400 I'm just like, "What is with this chick?" 182 00:07:50,400 --> 00:07:51,240 You know, like, damn it. 183 00:07:51,240 --> 00:07:53,120 And I was like, "I am not going to a meeting tomorrow. 184 00:07:53,120 --> 00:07:54,200 I'm getting a dialogue." 185 00:07:54,200 --> 00:07:57,580 And she was like, "I don't think that's a good idea. 186 00:07:57,580 --> 00:07:58,960 Your sobriety comes first." 187 00:07:58,960 --> 00:08:00,200 And I was like, "Yeah, whatever. 188 00:08:00,200 --> 00:08:02,240 Okay, great, bye, click." 189 00:08:02,240 --> 00:08:03,480 And never called her again. 190 00:08:03,480 --> 00:08:08,320 And so it ended up that, you know, like, I had a resentment 191 00:08:08,320 --> 00:08:09,560 towards that woman, you know. 192 00:08:09,560 --> 00:08:11,080 It's funny 'cause I see her every once in a while, 193 00:08:11,080 --> 00:08:11,980 and she doesn't even know it. 194 00:08:11,980 --> 00:08:13,500 And I always go like, "I'm gonna go up to her." 195 00:08:13,500 --> 00:08:15,680 But I always at the end never remember. 196 00:08:15,680 --> 00:08:20,680 But I always think, "Gosh, she led me to my home group, 197 00:08:20,680 --> 00:08:22,760 the home group that saved my life, 198 00:08:22,760 --> 00:08:24,360 the home group by Carolyn." 199 00:08:24,360 --> 00:08:26,680 And, you know, 15 leaders, here we are. 200 00:08:26,680 --> 00:08:30,880 And who made me love Alcoholics Anonymous, 201 00:08:30,880 --> 00:08:32,840 and the women who said like, 202 00:08:32,840 --> 00:08:35,360 "Joy," 'cause, you know, everybody's dead. 203 00:08:35,360 --> 00:08:36,800 And that's what I love about AA, 204 00:08:36,800 --> 00:08:38,680 'cause it's always about like, somebody says, 205 00:08:38,680 --> 00:08:40,840 "Oh, I came in, they told me to sit down and shut up, 206 00:08:40,840 --> 00:08:42,320 and blah, blah, blah, and that's what I needed." 207 00:08:42,320 --> 00:08:44,040 And these people told me like, 208 00:08:44,040 --> 00:08:45,260 "Joyce, are you ever gonna talk? 209 00:08:45,260 --> 00:08:46,920 Like, say something, you know?" 210 00:08:46,920 --> 00:08:49,480 And now you can't shut me up, I say. 211 00:08:49,480 --> 00:08:53,800 And I was terrified because of that. 212 00:08:53,800 --> 00:08:56,600 You know, I was at a point I think that we all get to 213 00:08:56,600 --> 00:08:58,720 where it was like, even getting, 214 00:08:58,720 --> 00:09:00,680 I just planned to come here and get sober 215 00:09:00,680 --> 00:09:02,460 and be a goody-two-shoes like my sister 216 00:09:02,460 --> 00:09:04,240 and have a nice, boring life, 217 00:09:04,240 --> 00:09:05,860 'cause I assumed she was bored. 218 00:09:05,860 --> 00:09:08,600 And she seemed fine with it, 219 00:09:08,600 --> 00:09:12,280 and she was very successful in things, and still is. 220 00:09:12,280 --> 00:09:13,960 But it was just like, I thought, 221 00:09:13,960 --> 00:09:15,080 I'm not gonna be like that. 222 00:09:15,080 --> 00:09:18,520 I'm gonna be bored, I'm gonna be horrible, whatever, 223 00:09:18,520 --> 00:09:21,100 but it's gotta be better than where I'm at today, you know? 224 00:09:21,100 --> 00:09:25,840 And so, I came in and I found my first sponsor, 225 00:09:25,840 --> 00:09:28,760 and I was so lucky. 226 00:09:28,760 --> 00:09:31,000 She was just so easy. 227 00:09:31,000 --> 00:09:33,200 Like, she was like, I remember, 228 00:09:33,200 --> 00:09:35,640 I was actually trying to go with this one sponsor. 229 00:09:35,640 --> 00:09:37,120 They kept passing me around, probably, 230 00:09:37,120 --> 00:09:39,360 'cause they were like, "Oh, I'm not sponsoring that crazy. 231 00:09:39,360 --> 00:09:41,020 All she does is cry. 232 00:09:41,020 --> 00:09:41,860 You dig her!" 233 00:09:41,860 --> 00:09:45,900 And so, this one lady, Julie, she was like so crazy. 234 00:09:45,900 --> 00:09:46,740 I loved her. 235 00:09:46,740 --> 00:09:49,360 And she was like, "Oh, girl, I don't sponsor people." 236 00:09:49,360 --> 00:09:51,180 And I was like, "Okay, whatever." 237 00:09:51,180 --> 00:09:55,120 And then, so I went to Sandy, and Sandy said like, 238 00:09:55,120 --> 00:09:58,240 "Oh, I got a perfect person for you, Rhonda." 239 00:09:58,240 --> 00:10:00,040 And me and Rhonda look at each other like, "What the hell? 240 00:10:00,040 --> 00:10:01,520 Like, we don't even know each other." 241 00:10:01,520 --> 00:10:04,720 So, we had gone to the same meeting for like 30 days, 242 00:10:04,720 --> 00:10:06,700 but I was like, "I don't know who she is." 243 00:10:06,700 --> 00:10:10,440 Anyway, so we finally, I start to talk to her, 244 00:10:10,440 --> 00:10:12,680 probably, you know, a week or two into it, 245 00:10:12,680 --> 00:10:13,960 like, "Oh, I don't really know what to do." 246 00:10:13,960 --> 00:10:15,400 And she's like, "I don't know what to do either. 247 00:10:15,400 --> 00:10:17,020 Like, you're my first sponsor. 248 00:10:17,020 --> 00:10:18,200 I don't know what I'm doing." 249 00:10:18,200 --> 00:10:20,240 And she goes, "If you want somebody else, I don't blame you. 250 00:10:20,240 --> 00:10:22,560 You just kinda got caught up in that." 251 00:10:22,560 --> 00:10:23,680 Like, I love her. 252 00:10:23,680 --> 00:10:26,880 So, that started our thing. 253 00:10:26,880 --> 00:10:31,200 And she took me through my steps, and it took three years 254 00:10:31,200 --> 00:10:33,880 to get through my steps, 'cause I'm a lagger, 255 00:10:33,880 --> 00:10:36,220 and scared, and blah, blah, blah. 256 00:10:36,220 --> 00:10:37,800 But I was always going to meetings, 257 00:10:37,800 --> 00:10:39,100 and she never like pressured me. 258 00:10:39,100 --> 00:10:41,400 She was always like, "Well, as long as you're in a step, 259 00:10:41,400 --> 00:10:42,240 that's all that matters. 260 00:10:42,240 --> 00:10:43,180 You know what step you're on, 261 00:10:43,180 --> 00:10:45,280 so when you're ready to move on, you will." 262 00:10:45,280 --> 00:10:46,860 And I loved that. 263 00:10:46,860 --> 00:10:50,680 And I, you know, I used to say, "Oh, I don't recommend that." 264 00:10:50,680 --> 00:10:53,000 But like, I really love my sobriety, 265 00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:56,140 and I don't regret anything that I did with it. 266 00:10:56,140 --> 00:10:59,240 I made mistakes, and I remember I did go through the steps, 267 00:10:59,240 --> 00:11:00,760 and then I left the secret out. 268 00:11:00,760 --> 00:11:01,800 And so, every meeting. 269 00:11:01,800 --> 00:11:03,620 And so, to me, it's always the meeting. 270 00:11:03,620 --> 00:11:05,320 I always say the meeting makers make it, 271 00:11:05,320 --> 00:11:08,340 because at the meetings is always what guides me. 272 00:11:08,340 --> 00:11:10,540 Like, that's God's direction for me, 273 00:11:10,540 --> 00:11:12,600 and along with everything else. 274 00:11:12,600 --> 00:11:16,040 But I remember like, "Oh, secrets make you sick. 275 00:11:16,040 --> 00:11:16,880 Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah." 276 00:11:16,880 --> 00:11:18,760 And I was just like, "Ugh, come on already. 277 00:11:18,760 --> 00:11:20,860 Like, I don't wanna like solve this." 278 00:11:20,860 --> 00:11:22,800 So, I got a different sponsor, 279 00:11:22,800 --> 00:11:24,840 because I didn't wanna tell her that I lied to her. 280 00:11:24,840 --> 00:11:27,040 And I ended up telling her anyways. 281 00:11:27,040 --> 00:11:29,080 But it was just kind of a way that, 282 00:11:29,080 --> 00:11:31,680 at the time, I probably had like five years. 283 00:11:31,680 --> 00:11:35,180 And I started not really going to, 284 00:11:35,180 --> 00:11:37,720 I think I moved back with my parents, because I, 285 00:11:37,720 --> 00:11:38,640 yeah, I did. 286 00:11:38,640 --> 00:11:42,040 Because I left, I left that great guy. 287 00:11:42,040 --> 00:11:44,680 And I remember thinking like, 288 00:11:44,680 --> 00:11:46,220 he was a part of the reason I got sober. 289 00:11:46,220 --> 00:11:47,760 I was like, "Oh my God, he's gonna find out, 290 00:11:47,760 --> 00:11:50,480 and like not wanna, you know, be with some drunk girl." 291 00:11:50,480 --> 00:11:53,600 And I got sober and then realized like, 292 00:11:53,600 --> 00:11:55,760 "Oh, he smoked pot every day and he, you know, 293 00:11:55,760 --> 00:11:56,920 drank on the weekends." 294 00:11:56,920 --> 00:11:58,400 And then I was like, "Oh, you know, 295 00:11:58,400 --> 00:11:59,240 maybe he does have a problem." 296 00:11:59,240 --> 00:12:00,760 And he'd always ask me, "Do you think I have a problem?" 297 00:12:00,760 --> 00:12:02,720 And I'd be like, "That's not for me to say. 298 00:12:02,720 --> 00:12:04,040 That's what they told me here." 299 00:12:04,040 --> 00:12:05,100 And then one day I was like, 300 00:12:05,100 --> 00:12:06,160 "Yeah, I think you have a problem. 301 00:12:06,160 --> 00:12:06,980 Can you stop?" 302 00:12:06,980 --> 00:12:08,520 And he was like, "Anyone got a beer?" 303 00:12:08,520 --> 00:12:09,740 And so it was like one of those things. 304 00:12:09,740 --> 00:12:10,940 So, eventually I had to leave. 305 00:12:10,940 --> 00:12:14,560 And it was like those, that turning point, 306 00:12:14,560 --> 00:12:16,240 one of those turning points of like, 307 00:12:16,240 --> 00:12:17,880 do I stay with this guy and drink? 308 00:12:17,880 --> 00:12:19,120 Because that's what's gonna happen. 309 00:12:19,120 --> 00:12:20,040 Or do I stay sober? 310 00:12:20,040 --> 00:12:21,640 And I loved, by that time, 311 00:12:21,640 --> 00:12:23,520 I was probably about a year and a half sober. 312 00:12:23,520 --> 00:12:26,460 And I loved sobriety and I was going to a lot of meetings 313 00:12:26,460 --> 00:12:27,920 and I loved the women that I met. 314 00:12:27,920 --> 00:12:29,020 And we were going to coffee 315 00:12:29,020 --> 00:12:31,160 and I had gotten really good friends. 316 00:12:31,160 --> 00:12:34,760 And I was like, and he was probably bothered by that too. 317 00:12:34,760 --> 00:12:39,500 And I just said, "Screw it, I'm leaving. 318 00:12:39,500 --> 00:12:40,520 I've got to get out of here." 319 00:12:40,520 --> 00:12:42,220 And so I went to my parents' house. 320 00:12:42,220 --> 00:12:46,200 Yay, what, 33, 34, again. 321 00:12:46,200 --> 00:12:49,720 And I always say, "My poor parents." 322 00:12:49,720 --> 00:12:53,960 But I always was so grateful for my parents 323 00:12:53,960 --> 00:12:55,960 because they always accepted me back. 324 00:12:55,960 --> 00:13:00,600 And they always loved me through thick and thin. 325 00:13:00,600 --> 00:13:03,600 And I always, that was my thing when I came in 326 00:13:03,600 --> 00:13:05,700 is if my mom does, that's gonna be the end of me. 327 00:13:05,700 --> 00:13:07,000 I'm gonna drink. 328 00:13:07,000 --> 00:13:09,760 And I always used to cry with them. 329 00:13:09,760 --> 00:13:11,240 And then my dad died in sobriety 330 00:13:11,240 --> 00:13:13,960 about two and a half years into my sobriety. 331 00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:17,600 And Rhonda and I had people come in 332 00:13:17,600 --> 00:13:19,840 and supporting me at his funeral. 333 00:13:19,840 --> 00:13:23,040 And I got to speak at his service. 334 00:13:23,040 --> 00:13:25,200 It wasn't only a funeral. 335 00:13:25,200 --> 00:13:27,020 But I got to say, I love my dad. 336 00:13:27,020 --> 00:13:28,320 He was a great dad. 337 00:13:28,320 --> 00:13:31,080 And we didn't have the best relationship like me and my mom. 338 00:13:31,080 --> 00:13:34,880 But I always say, I listened to him after he passed. 339 00:13:34,880 --> 00:13:37,860 I was always too stubborn to listen out when he was alive. 340 00:13:37,860 --> 00:13:42,000 And those things that I couldn't forgive him for, 341 00:13:42,000 --> 00:13:43,720 I forgave him for finally. 342 00:13:43,720 --> 00:13:46,880 And that was a huge release for me. 343 00:13:46,880 --> 00:13:50,800 And so I ended up still with my mom for many years. 344 00:13:50,800 --> 00:13:54,360 And she had gotten into her sickness and Vicodin 345 00:13:54,360 --> 00:13:57,240 and whatever she could get her hands on. 346 00:13:57,240 --> 00:14:00,620 And that was a really painful, hard experience as well. 347 00:14:00,620 --> 00:14:03,080 And I was still going to meetings. 348 00:14:03,080 --> 00:14:04,560 And at that time I started school. 349 00:14:04,560 --> 00:14:07,680 And I wanted to go to x-ray school. 350 00:14:07,680 --> 00:14:09,200 And they accepted me in Pasadena. 351 00:14:09,200 --> 00:14:12,440 I was with Rhonda at a convention that she paid for it. 352 00:14:12,440 --> 00:14:14,200 She'd always take me to some really cool things. 353 00:14:14,200 --> 00:14:16,120 And when we went to like San Diego or something, 354 00:14:16,120 --> 00:14:18,400 it was me, her, and this girl Tracy. 355 00:14:18,400 --> 00:14:21,360 And my sister called and said, oh, I got some really good-- 356 00:14:21,360 --> 00:14:23,860 or no, she goes, oh, I have your Pasadena thing. 357 00:14:23,860 --> 00:14:25,440 I was expecting to-- 358 00:14:25,440 --> 00:14:28,720 OK, what it was is like a draw on the hat sort of thing. 359 00:14:28,720 --> 00:14:30,760 And I thought, I never win anything. 360 00:14:30,760 --> 00:14:31,760 This has never happened. 361 00:14:31,760 --> 00:14:34,520 So I'm the lazy person, the procrastinator who was like, 362 00:14:34,520 --> 00:14:35,920 y'all put in my application. 363 00:14:35,920 --> 00:14:37,180 I did the things. 364 00:14:37,180 --> 00:14:38,080 I'll never get picked. 365 00:14:38,080 --> 00:14:40,160 At least it'll be like a couple of years. 366 00:14:40,160 --> 00:14:42,040 And so she's like, oh, the thing came. 367 00:14:42,040 --> 00:14:43,400 The note came from Pasadena. 368 00:14:43,400 --> 00:14:44,520 Do you want me to open it? 369 00:14:44,520 --> 00:14:46,520 And I was like, yeah, sure, go ahead. 370 00:14:46,520 --> 00:14:48,160 And she was like, you got in. 371 00:14:48,160 --> 00:14:50,600 And I was like, ugh. 372 00:14:50,600 --> 00:14:52,640 I just was like sick to my stomach. 373 00:14:52,640 --> 00:14:55,080 And she's like, hello? 374 00:14:55,080 --> 00:14:59,120 And Tracy and Rhonda are like, what's wrong with you? 375 00:14:59,120 --> 00:15:01,160 And so Rhonda's like, come on, we need to go talk. 376 00:15:01,160 --> 00:15:04,480 And I was like, oh my god, I hate school. 377 00:15:04,480 --> 00:15:07,080 I haven't done anything for-- it was like a two-year program. 378 00:15:07,080 --> 00:15:09,000 I'm like, I haven't done anything for two years 379 00:15:09,000 --> 00:15:09,920 every day. 380 00:15:09,920 --> 00:15:11,680 I just don't think I can do it. 381 00:15:11,680 --> 00:15:13,280 And she was like, you know what, Joyce? 382 00:15:13,280 --> 00:15:15,280 Why don't you just go until they kick you out? 383 00:15:15,280 --> 00:15:17,060 And I was like, OK, what the hell? 384 00:15:17,060 --> 00:15:18,060 That sounded reasonable. 385 00:15:18,060 --> 00:15:20,840 So she's like, just go the first day and see what happens. 386 00:15:20,840 --> 00:15:24,240 And so literally for two years, that's what I did, 387 00:15:24,240 --> 00:15:26,640 is just went until they were going to kick me out 388 00:15:26,640 --> 00:15:28,960 or I messed up and they weren't going to get rid of me. 389 00:15:28,960 --> 00:15:29,600 And they didn't. 390 00:15:29,600 --> 00:15:31,080 Woo-hoo! 391 00:15:31,080 --> 00:15:33,240 And so I passed that. 392 00:15:33,240 --> 00:15:36,520 And then it was like a year to get a job. 393 00:15:36,520 --> 00:15:39,120 That was fun. 394 00:15:39,120 --> 00:15:42,760 Because I look back and I always say the biggest lesson 395 00:15:42,760 --> 00:15:45,360 I feel in AA-- 396 00:15:45,360 --> 00:15:47,600 I don't know if it's God's lesson or whatever-- 397 00:15:47,600 --> 00:15:52,280 but was I have to work for the things that I want. 398 00:15:52,280 --> 00:15:54,320 And I was always really spoiled. 399 00:15:54,320 --> 00:15:55,280 And I was the youngest. 400 00:15:55,280 --> 00:15:57,600 So it was always like, oh, if you don't want to do that, 401 00:15:57,600 --> 00:15:58,380 don't do it. 402 00:15:58,380 --> 00:16:01,520 If you don't want to-- oh, you want to quit that job, quit. 403 00:16:01,520 --> 00:16:04,160 And I always had somebody back my bullshit. 404 00:16:04,160 --> 00:16:09,800 And I just was like, what happened? 405 00:16:09,800 --> 00:16:13,520 So where was I at? 406 00:16:13,520 --> 00:16:17,600 So yeah, the lesson. 407 00:16:17,600 --> 00:16:24,040 So when I came to AA, it was all about having accountability, 408 00:16:24,040 --> 00:16:29,080 doing what you say you're going to do, all that kind of stuff. 409 00:16:29,080 --> 00:16:31,600 And I stepped up to it. 410 00:16:31,600 --> 00:16:34,520 And I actually could do it slowly, a little bit 411 00:16:34,520 --> 00:16:36,440 at a time. 412 00:16:36,440 --> 00:16:38,560 And it started with meetings, started 413 00:16:38,560 --> 00:16:41,120 with being a secretary at an AA meeting. 414 00:16:41,120 --> 00:16:43,800 And that was a big deal. 415 00:16:43,800 --> 00:16:47,760 And then it started taking the stuff into my life 416 00:16:47,760 --> 00:16:50,120 and going to school and going to meetings 417 00:16:50,120 --> 00:16:53,320 to hear that people were going back to school 418 00:16:53,320 --> 00:16:54,240 and blah, blah, blah. 419 00:16:54,240 --> 00:16:55,920 And I always really wanted to do that. 420 00:16:55,920 --> 00:16:56,920 But I really thought-- 421 00:16:56,920 --> 00:17:00,080 I had gone out of school, been out of school for so long. 422 00:17:00,080 --> 00:17:01,440 I thought, I'm too stupid. 423 00:17:01,440 --> 00:17:02,280 I can't do it. 424 00:17:02,280 --> 00:17:04,280 And then it just got to a point where I was like, 425 00:17:04,280 --> 00:17:06,320 well, if they can do it, I can do it. 426 00:17:06,320 --> 00:17:13,240 And that gradual self-worth, and by doing work and figuring out 427 00:17:13,240 --> 00:17:15,680 that I just have a lot of fear, that's not real. 428 00:17:15,680 --> 00:17:19,480 And so I got through the schooling, 429 00:17:19,480 --> 00:17:21,000 and then I couldn't find a job. 430 00:17:21,000 --> 00:17:22,040 That was great. 431 00:17:22,040 --> 00:17:25,160 And it took a year for me to finally find a job that they 432 00:17:25,160 --> 00:17:28,160 would just let me volunteer at. 433 00:17:28,160 --> 00:17:30,960 But during that year, I had really 434 00:17:30,960 --> 00:17:32,880 been connected with Pacoima. 435 00:17:32,880 --> 00:17:36,960 And they had a group that came, a house that came. 436 00:17:36,960 --> 00:17:38,440 It was Oasis. 437 00:17:38,440 --> 00:17:42,080 And there was a lady, Anjone, and Barney, who ran it. 438 00:17:42,080 --> 00:17:44,160 And they were a married couple, and they were tough. 439 00:17:44,160 --> 00:17:45,960 And they had these girls. 440 00:17:45,960 --> 00:17:47,840 It was an all-girl house. 441 00:17:47,840 --> 00:17:50,960 And they opened their house to these women 442 00:17:50,960 --> 00:17:54,480 who were either straight out of jail or off the streets. 443 00:17:54,480 --> 00:17:58,440 And I started going there, started knowing them, 444 00:17:58,440 --> 00:18:00,720 and started sponsoring women there. 445 00:18:00,720 --> 00:18:03,840 And it could be because it was like every Sunday, I could go. 446 00:18:03,840 --> 00:18:06,000 And in the front seats were lines 447 00:18:06,000 --> 00:18:08,280 of women who needed sponsors. 448 00:18:08,280 --> 00:18:11,920 And so I slowly started going and sponsoring them, 449 00:18:11,920 --> 00:18:12,960 going over to the house. 450 00:18:12,960 --> 00:18:14,520 I was terrified of Anjone and Barney. 451 00:18:14,520 --> 00:18:17,240 They were scary people. 452 00:18:17,240 --> 00:18:22,080 And eventually, that became my Sunday afternoon for-- 453 00:18:22,080 --> 00:18:23,760 well, at least that's like-- 454 00:18:23,760 --> 00:18:26,840 it was probably prior to that that I started sponsoring. 455 00:18:26,840 --> 00:18:29,520 But that year was like every Sunday, 456 00:18:29,520 --> 00:18:32,280 I could be sponsoring two girls at a time or whatever. 457 00:18:32,280 --> 00:18:36,120 And I got to be there and experience 458 00:18:36,120 --> 00:18:37,760 that it's not there anymore. 459 00:18:37,760 --> 00:18:41,840 I think of how much they sponsored me, kind of. 460 00:18:41,840 --> 00:18:44,160 They got these girls there. 461 00:18:44,160 --> 00:18:45,840 And I was at a really low point. 462 00:18:45,840 --> 00:18:49,680 I have so many low points in my sobriety. 463 00:18:49,680 --> 00:18:54,440 So I thought, until I look back and go, wow, 464 00:18:54,440 --> 00:18:56,560 I wasn't ready for that job yet. 465 00:18:56,560 --> 00:19:00,080 And so I was ready to help these women and be grateful 466 00:19:00,080 --> 00:19:03,640 that I was sober and that I was there. 467 00:19:03,640 --> 00:19:06,440 And I could hear their pain and what they were going through 468 00:19:06,440 --> 00:19:09,080 and know like, well, I've gotten past that. 469 00:19:09,080 --> 00:19:10,160 I can go a little further. 470 00:19:10,160 --> 00:19:12,600 And I can't quit because if I quit, 471 00:19:12,600 --> 00:19:14,240 what am I telling these girls? 472 00:19:14,240 --> 00:19:15,600 I don't have kids and stuff. 473 00:19:15,600 --> 00:19:17,520 So I had to have somebody-- 474 00:19:17,520 --> 00:19:19,440 I remember when I was so desperate, 475 00:19:19,440 --> 00:19:20,680 I called one of the girls. 476 00:19:20,680 --> 00:19:21,840 And she was in PG. 477 00:19:21,840 --> 00:19:23,240 And she was kind of a stickler. 478 00:19:23,240 --> 00:19:25,480 And she had me do this assignment. 479 00:19:25,480 --> 00:19:27,880 And it all ended up to say, what's 480 00:19:27,880 --> 00:19:29,480 the worst that can happen? 481 00:19:29,480 --> 00:19:32,800 And the worst for me, the last three things were kind of like, 482 00:19:32,800 --> 00:19:37,800 I can't sponsor these women because I'm a failure. 483 00:19:37,800 --> 00:19:38,880 And then I'll drink. 484 00:19:38,880 --> 00:19:40,000 And then I'll die. 485 00:19:40,000 --> 00:19:42,080 And it was like, every single time, 486 00:19:42,080 --> 00:19:43,760 it would be like, what if this happened? 487 00:19:43,760 --> 00:19:44,680 What if this happened? 488 00:19:44,680 --> 00:19:45,640 What if this happened? 489 00:19:45,640 --> 00:19:48,480 And I always think about that. 490 00:19:48,480 --> 00:19:51,600 And I always think because you guys, 491 00:19:51,600 --> 00:19:53,880 when I come to the meetings and I'm 492 00:19:53,880 --> 00:19:58,920 struggling with whatever, a death, not getting a job, 493 00:19:58,920 --> 00:20:02,560 anything, good news is not always good for me. 494 00:20:02,560 --> 00:20:03,760 I did get a job. 495 00:20:03,760 --> 00:20:06,240 And then I was like, ah, then I had 496 00:20:06,240 --> 00:20:08,960 to work with this doctor who is mean. 497 00:20:08,960 --> 00:20:10,960 And he yelled at me a lot. 498 00:20:10,960 --> 00:20:13,680 And I was just like, oh, god, finally I got this shit. 499 00:20:13,680 --> 00:20:18,560 No, Norm's totally screwed because he's evil. 500 00:20:18,560 --> 00:20:20,800 But I was determined by that time. 501 00:20:20,800 --> 00:20:22,920 And you guys had taught me, it doesn't matter. 502 00:20:22,920 --> 00:20:25,880 You stood up, and you showed up, and you're on early. 503 00:20:25,880 --> 00:20:27,080 I was always early. 504 00:20:27,080 --> 00:20:32,080 And I got a really good position, actually, 505 00:20:32,080 --> 00:20:34,960 after I volunteered there. 506 00:20:34,960 --> 00:20:37,160 And they said, well, maybe in a year, we can hire you. 507 00:20:37,160 --> 00:20:39,800 And I thought, oh, all I need is my foot in the door 508 00:20:39,800 --> 00:20:40,960 because I'm a good worker. 509 00:20:40,960 --> 00:20:43,000 I'll show up, and I'll do what you tell me to do. 510 00:20:43,000 --> 00:20:44,760 I just need my foot in the door. 511 00:20:44,760 --> 00:20:47,280 So after like two months, they hired me. 512 00:20:47,280 --> 00:20:50,400 Full time, benefits, and some people were there 513 00:20:50,400 --> 00:20:52,680 and didn't have those things, and so they were happy. 514 00:20:52,680 --> 00:20:55,200 But I was x-ray tech. 515 00:20:55,200 --> 00:20:57,680 I wasn't a nurse, so they couldn't get mad at me. 516 00:20:57,680 --> 00:21:02,400 And I worked there for seven years with that same doctor. 517 00:21:02,400 --> 00:21:04,000 And he taught me so much. 518 00:21:04,000 --> 00:21:07,320 It was like those people who are so difficult in your life, 519 00:21:07,320 --> 00:21:12,520 usually your family for me, and also this doctor. 520 00:21:12,520 --> 00:21:17,320 And I was very sensitive. 521 00:21:17,320 --> 00:21:20,680 And he kind of changed that for me. 522 00:21:20,680 --> 00:21:25,200 I kind of realized that when somebody yells at you 523 00:21:25,200 --> 00:21:28,620 or they're upset, I always took that personal. 524 00:21:28,620 --> 00:21:30,200 It was always like, oh, what did I do? 525 00:21:30,200 --> 00:21:31,600 What can I do to make you happy? 526 00:21:31,600 --> 00:21:32,960 I don't want you to be mad at me. 527 00:21:32,960 --> 00:21:35,720 And it got so tiring that I was just like, well, sorry. 528 00:21:35,720 --> 00:21:37,800 I don't know what to tell you anymore, my friend. 529 00:21:37,800 --> 00:21:41,720 And so I just got like whatever, and it bounced off me finally. 530 00:21:41,720 --> 00:21:43,320 And I always took that stuff. 531 00:21:43,320 --> 00:21:45,640 And at the time I started there, it 532 00:21:45,640 --> 00:21:48,120 was like a time where I was doing meditation and stuff. 533 00:21:48,120 --> 00:21:49,700 And there was a meditation church thing 534 00:21:49,700 --> 00:21:52,680 that one of the girls I was sponsoring showed me. 535 00:21:52,680 --> 00:21:54,280 And I was like, I'm going to that place. 536 00:21:54,280 --> 00:21:59,680 And things like from sponsorship and sponsoring, 537 00:21:59,680 --> 00:22:03,120 it's opened me up to so many places and things 538 00:22:03,120 --> 00:22:06,080 that I can go to when I'm in pain, not only meetings, 539 00:22:06,080 --> 00:22:10,960 but places I can meditate, ideas, different ideas 540 00:22:10,960 --> 00:22:13,160 in my own brain. 541 00:22:13,160 --> 00:22:17,520 Today when you drink and you just have that stuff piling up 542 00:22:17,520 --> 00:22:20,080 on you, and I was thinking about that, 543 00:22:20,080 --> 00:22:21,920 it just keeps piling up and piling up. 544 00:22:21,920 --> 00:22:23,800 And you're just trying to struggle just 545 00:22:23,800 --> 00:22:25,480 to push out of it. 546 00:22:25,480 --> 00:22:28,760 And it was like, gosh, I don't know how I got so free. 547 00:22:28,760 --> 00:22:32,280 And it's because I did the work. 548 00:22:32,280 --> 00:22:38,820 And I'm still doing the work because I like feeling free. 549 00:22:38,820 --> 00:22:43,000 And I feel like when I came here, instead of always 550 00:22:43,000 --> 00:22:46,360 when I drank and I caused all that ruckus and craziness, 551 00:22:46,360 --> 00:22:48,760 that it's been the opposite of like, oh, 552 00:22:48,760 --> 00:22:51,600 if I sponsored a girl and she went out or whatever, 553 00:22:51,600 --> 00:22:54,360 and it's like we run into people we sponsor all the time. 554 00:22:54,360 --> 00:22:55,520 And like, hey. 555 00:22:55,520 --> 00:22:58,120 And they're like, ooh, you know, I saw a girl the other day. 556 00:22:58,120 --> 00:23:00,000 He actually made me go into the store. 557 00:23:00,000 --> 00:23:02,120 And I was like, I don't want to go into the store. 558 00:23:02,120 --> 00:23:03,960 And I went in and I saw this girl. 559 00:23:03,960 --> 00:23:06,720 And I used to sponsor her years ago. 560 00:23:06,720 --> 00:23:08,080 And she was like, oh my god. 561 00:23:08,080 --> 00:23:09,640 And we just hugged. 562 00:23:09,640 --> 00:23:13,760 And it's like I can meet up with people eye to eye 563 00:23:13,760 --> 00:23:17,760 and feel proud that I know them. 564 00:23:17,760 --> 00:23:19,820 And they are not going, oh, there's 565 00:23:19,820 --> 00:23:22,280 that woman who slept with my boyfriend 566 00:23:22,280 --> 00:23:25,400 or did some crap to me or slapped me or whatever, 567 00:23:25,400 --> 00:23:27,040 because I was crazy when I drank. 568 00:23:27,040 --> 00:23:32,240 And instead, it's like I'm more of a use to the world, I guess. 569 00:23:32,240 --> 00:23:35,560 I think AA just makes us so much more useful. 570 00:23:35,560 --> 00:23:38,080 And then when you're useful, you feel whole. 571 00:23:38,080 --> 00:23:41,720 And you feel like, oh, I can leave my house today. 572 00:23:41,720 --> 00:23:45,580 I didn't want to leave places after drinking binges 573 00:23:45,580 --> 00:23:47,840 and all that kind of stuff, because I couldn't remember 574 00:23:47,840 --> 00:23:49,320 what I did and who I hurt. 575 00:23:49,320 --> 00:23:51,440 And I was afraid to go to the next party, 576 00:23:51,440 --> 00:23:53,160 to be quite honest with you. 577 00:23:53,160 --> 00:23:58,680 And today, it's just full of life. 578 00:23:58,680 --> 00:23:59,660 It's hard. 579 00:23:59,660 --> 00:24:02,000 And then that horrible thing happened. 580 00:24:02,000 --> 00:24:03,240 My mom did die. 581 00:24:03,240 --> 00:24:05,320 And I got to-- 582 00:24:05,320 --> 00:24:09,320 I was saying the other day with AA, 583 00:24:09,320 --> 00:24:12,800 my sister's sponsor was sick. 584 00:24:12,800 --> 00:24:16,040 And so when I was looking for that job in that year, 585 00:24:16,040 --> 00:24:19,680 they asked me to be a caregiver for her for a couple of days 586 00:24:19,680 --> 00:24:21,960 or whatever, because that's what I was doing at the time. 587 00:24:21,960 --> 00:24:25,400 And so a couple of years later, they 588 00:24:25,400 --> 00:24:27,280 called me because she said she was dying. 589 00:24:27,280 --> 00:24:31,240 And if I wanted to be with them when it happened, 590 00:24:31,240 --> 00:24:32,000 and I said sure. 591 00:24:32,000 --> 00:24:33,280 So I went down there. 592 00:24:33,280 --> 00:24:36,760 And my sister's a nurse, so she knew the kind of breathing 593 00:24:36,760 --> 00:24:39,160 and stuff that happens and the kind of stuff happens. 594 00:24:39,160 --> 00:24:42,360 And I got to be there to suit up and show up and be 595 00:24:42,360 --> 00:24:46,160 with the AA girls, because I knew them from my Monday night 596 00:24:46,160 --> 00:24:47,880 meeting a long time before that. 597 00:24:47,880 --> 00:24:52,600 And so then after that, one of my best friend's moms 598 00:24:52,600 --> 00:24:54,880 was passing a cancer, same thing. 599 00:24:54,880 --> 00:24:56,680 And so I got to show up for her. 600 00:24:56,680 --> 00:24:58,280 And I hadn't seen her in a long time. 601 00:24:58,280 --> 00:25:01,160 And her mom was like a second mom to me too growing up. 602 00:25:01,160 --> 00:25:03,440 And same thing, I got to be there. 603 00:25:03,440 --> 00:25:06,160 The day that she passed, it was really crazy, 604 00:25:06,160 --> 00:25:08,300 and to be of service and do those things. 605 00:25:08,300 --> 00:25:10,120 And so when it came to be my mom, 606 00:25:10,120 --> 00:25:14,120 I was so blessed that my mom made a decision of like, 607 00:25:14,120 --> 00:25:15,520 I want to be in hospice. 608 00:25:15,520 --> 00:25:16,400 I want to die. 609 00:25:16,400 --> 00:25:17,540 I'm over it. 610 00:25:17,540 --> 00:25:20,000 And so she got to make that decision. 611 00:25:20,000 --> 00:25:21,320 The nurse was there. 612 00:25:21,320 --> 00:25:25,280 And we actually expected her to live a lot longer than she did. 613 00:25:25,280 --> 00:25:25,820 But she did. 614 00:25:25,820 --> 00:25:27,480 She got sick, and same thing. 615 00:25:27,480 --> 00:25:30,120 And I got to be there. 616 00:25:30,120 --> 00:25:33,560 And I heard about you guys doing all that kind of stuff. 617 00:25:33,560 --> 00:25:36,380 And I thought, oh, I could never do that. 618 00:25:36,380 --> 00:25:39,080 And so now when I have-- 619 00:25:39,080 --> 00:25:41,960 that was probably the biggest hurdle. 620 00:25:41,960 --> 00:25:44,640 One of the other thing is my niece's baby died. 621 00:25:44,640 --> 00:25:48,120 This was before my mom's death and in between my mom and dad's 622 00:25:48,120 --> 00:25:48,640 death. 623 00:25:48,640 --> 00:25:51,800 And I remember feeling like, what kind of God does this? 624 00:25:51,800 --> 00:25:53,560 And that's when I struggled with God. 625 00:25:53,560 --> 00:25:54,740 I've always believed in God. 626 00:25:54,740 --> 00:25:55,760 I'm not religious. 627 00:25:55,760 --> 00:25:58,120 I don't go to church. 628 00:25:58,120 --> 00:25:59,400 I'm kind of open in that way. 629 00:25:59,400 --> 00:26:01,160 But I'm not really like-- 630 00:26:01,160 --> 00:26:03,480 I don't know, this religious thing kind of freaks me out. 631 00:26:03,480 --> 00:26:05,520 But that's just me. 632 00:26:05,520 --> 00:26:07,920 But I do have a higher power. 633 00:26:07,920 --> 00:26:10,480 And I'm so grateful. 634 00:26:10,480 --> 00:26:13,220 Charles-- I met Charles at Macquaima. 635 00:26:13,220 --> 00:26:16,280 And what we've been together in April will be eight years. 636 00:26:16,280 --> 00:26:20,920 And he's my fiancee for five. 637 00:26:20,920 --> 00:26:23,640 And he's so cute. 638 00:26:23,640 --> 00:26:25,800 And I don't work for him, too. 639 00:26:25,800 --> 00:26:28,120 And I had to go through some-- 640 00:26:28,120 --> 00:26:30,700 anyways, that's a whole different meeting. 641 00:26:30,700 --> 00:26:35,920 And I-- but at that time-- 642 00:26:35,920 --> 00:26:38,000 we were living together at that time. 643 00:26:38,000 --> 00:26:43,120 And I remember just struggling and being like, what's with God? 644 00:26:43,120 --> 00:26:44,840 And why is God doing this? 645 00:26:44,840 --> 00:26:47,320 And blah, blah, blah, that sort of crap. 646 00:26:47,320 --> 00:26:49,320 And he was like, it's not God. 647 00:26:49,320 --> 00:26:50,280 It's life. 648 00:26:50,280 --> 00:26:51,400 And I was like, oh. 649 00:26:51,400 --> 00:26:53,200 And so it completely just kind of gave me 650 00:26:53,200 --> 00:26:55,000 a different perspective. 651 00:26:55,000 --> 00:26:56,760 And the thing is, is if you-- 652 00:26:56,760 --> 00:26:59,880 because I didn't-- maybe I kind of gave up on God. 653 00:26:59,880 --> 00:27:01,440 But I never gave up on AA. 654 00:27:01,440 --> 00:27:03,240 And so I always just kept going to meetings. 655 00:27:03,240 --> 00:27:05,340 And that's always my bottom line, 656 00:27:05,340 --> 00:27:08,600 is I'm always going to rely on you guys 657 00:27:08,600 --> 00:27:13,340 to help me find either my God if I've lost them, my mother 658 00:27:13,340 --> 00:27:15,480 if I've lost her, my father. 659 00:27:15,480 --> 00:27:18,240 There's been people who come into my life that 660 00:27:18,240 --> 00:27:22,600 make up for those things that might have had to leave. 661 00:27:22,600 --> 00:27:25,120 And that's what I was looking for. 662 00:27:25,120 --> 00:27:28,400 I was looking for this big place of love. 663 00:27:28,400 --> 00:27:31,840 And it's such a miracle. 664 00:27:31,840 --> 00:27:34,720 And if you're new, the new guy-- 665 00:27:34,720 --> 00:27:35,360 oh, my God. 666 00:27:35,360 --> 00:27:39,720 If you-- I always say if your life sucks, just stay here. 667 00:27:39,720 --> 00:27:41,080 It'll change. 668 00:27:41,080 --> 00:27:43,160 I mean, sometimes I thought like, oh, my God. 669 00:27:43,160 --> 00:27:44,120 I got something for this. 670 00:27:44,120 --> 00:27:45,160 I got something for that. 671 00:27:45,160 --> 00:27:46,200 I got something for this. 672 00:27:46,200 --> 00:27:47,500 But I always stayed. 673 00:27:47,500 --> 00:27:51,120 And on the other side was always something better. 674 00:27:51,120 --> 00:27:53,560 And it sometimes wasn't even what I wanted. 675 00:27:53,560 --> 00:27:57,480 It was something that was better. 676 00:27:57,480 --> 00:27:58,840 I can't even explain it. 677 00:27:58,840 --> 00:28:01,320 I never thought that my life could be like this. 678 00:28:01,320 --> 00:28:05,960 And it was just from going to meetings, doing work, 679 00:28:05,960 --> 00:28:08,480 doing the things that people say, helping others. 680 00:28:08,480 --> 00:28:10,600 And it makes you feel good. 681 00:28:10,600 --> 00:28:14,480 And I always say I came here just to get sober. 682 00:28:14,480 --> 00:28:17,560 And I didn't think that you guys would actually 683 00:28:17,560 --> 00:28:19,740 give me a full life and something 684 00:28:19,740 --> 00:28:23,520 that I could look forward to and an answer to every problem. 685 00:28:23,520 --> 00:28:27,360 And you guys open up and are honest. 686 00:28:27,360 --> 00:28:30,640 And please keep doing that. 687 00:28:30,640 --> 00:28:31,560 I need that. 688 00:28:31,560 --> 00:28:35,760 Because then I always have hope that whenever 689 00:28:35,760 --> 00:28:39,360 that thing that is happening to you is going to happen to me. 690 00:28:39,360 --> 00:28:41,160 I know, because it has. 691 00:28:41,160 --> 00:28:43,720 And now I don't really have hope. 692 00:28:43,720 --> 00:28:44,720 I know. 693 00:28:44,720 --> 00:28:46,600 I know that it works. 694 00:28:46,600 --> 00:28:48,880 And I'm so grateful. 695 00:28:48,880 --> 00:28:51,440 I always came here completely empty 696 00:28:51,440 --> 00:28:55,040 and feeling like my life is never going to change. 697 00:28:55,040 --> 00:28:56,400 It's never going to get better. 698 00:28:56,400 --> 00:28:59,800 And it's what I wish I would have listened to. 699 00:28:59,800 --> 00:29:02,820 Well, I eventually got to listen to my parents. 700 00:29:02,820 --> 00:29:04,480 When you're drinking and doing whatever, 701 00:29:04,480 --> 00:29:05,480 they're always after you. 702 00:29:05,480 --> 00:29:06,920 Everybody's after you. 703 00:29:06,920 --> 00:29:11,020 And the truth is that the world's not that grim. 704 00:29:11,020 --> 00:29:13,240 And it's actually really a beautiful place. 705 00:29:13,240 --> 00:29:17,680 And I'm so grateful that you all have welcomed me 706 00:29:17,680 --> 00:29:18,560 and been nice to me. 707 00:29:18,560 --> 00:29:24,480 And if you're having a hard time, just stay. 708 00:29:24,480 --> 00:29:25,640 Just don't drink. 709 00:29:25,640 --> 00:29:27,840 Just go to meetings and see what happens. 710 00:29:27,840 --> 00:29:29,280 So thank you for letting me share. 711 00:29:29,280 --> 00:29:32,440 Now I'd like to introduce your secretary, Alex.