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 Hello there, I'm Kevin and I am an alcoholic.

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 Thanks, Scott, Robin gave me a really good welcome here tonight.

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 I find that while a lot of things in my life, I still have a lot of fear in my life and

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 anxiety over different things, but anytime I walk into a room with alcoholics and all

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 this, it's not part of my experience from here and that's really cool.

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 I thank the people, I thank everyone who opened the door tonight, the coffee, who was still

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 in the AV.

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 I was told that the highest paying position in alcoholics and then I was a servant and

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 that really goes against my best thinking, which by the way is what got me here.

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 But it's true.

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 It seems to me like you have to surrender to win, where the hell is that at, when you

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 come here?

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 Surrender to win, if you hold on to it, you lose it, all these things that just run against

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 my best thinking.

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 Selfie blood to slogans, we used to call them the cheesy slogans, I said this, it can't

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 be that easy.

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 I'm a very complicated, deep person, it just can't be that easy.

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 One day at a time, that's genius and today, after going through the steps and living this

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 life for a while, you can actually live just by the slogans, if you really did it and paid

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 attention to it, you could have a pretty damn good life.

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 But anyway, like I said, I am an alcoholic, I'm 61 years old, I'm 18 years sober.

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 I came into AA 22 years ago, got sober for a few years and had the life threatening hiccup,

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 I called a relapse and I ended up in Costa Rica and lost about 60 pounds on some non-conference

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 approved potions.

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 It's a very quick way to lose weight, but let's just say it's not the best diet around.

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 By the grace of God, and you guys in that book, in these rooms, I was able to come back

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 and it wasn't easy to come back.

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 April 28th is my anniversary date, 2004, so it's been an amazing ride since I got back.

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 Anyway, I didn't realize it was going to be a long talk tonight, I thought I had a 10

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 minute spot.

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 I was telling Scott before me, I said, man, this guy wants me to come all the way here

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 and wear a jacket for a 10 minute talk, but it's really funny.

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 And that's still my ego, man, and I know it's not right today actually when I'm thinking

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 it, which is pretty good.

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 It doesn't mean it stops me, but when I got to Alcoholics Anonymous in 1999, I had no

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 car, no driver's license.

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 I was looking at five years of prison time in New York state.

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 I had just got my 11th drunk driving and things weren't going my way.

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 I was the counselor that wanted me and I always thought everything happened to me, and before

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 me, I figured it wasn't my drinking, it wasn't my character, it was just this life that just

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 sucked.

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 My friends would say, Ken, every day is a new day.

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 I'll remember what he said, I can't remember what he said, but anyway, I had my first drink

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 at 11 years old, my first drink, and it was with three of the lunatics that I ran around

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 with.

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 We played sports when we were kids.

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 We all stole books from the house, and you've heard the story, it's kind of common with

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 alcoholics.

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 I found out a lot of people that drink or get drunk before they're 15 have a much greater

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 chance of turning alcoholic, so I wanted to be part of that curve, I guess.

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 But I can tell you, I can tell you with hindsight, and I didn't realize it then, that I believe

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 I immediately became, you know, how do you get an alcoholic just to get an alcoholic?

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 That was pretty much my story.

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 I don't know what was wrong with me.

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 I always hear my Sophie talking and I'm still part of, it was like this whole thing, it

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 was the university and there was a dot over here and that was me, and it was still outside

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 of everything.

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 And it seemed like everyone else had the instructions and everyone else had the connections and

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 everyone else knew what they were doing, and I didn't, and it was a really strong understanding

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 of myself.

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 It was false, but it was, it was, it was the only thing I knew.

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 And I know that night that the four of us got together behind the junior high school

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 and drank, you know, I mean, it was like whiskey and a ketchup bottle and, you know, we had

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 like five different kinds of beer, you know, and, and I got drunk and I heard, I see one

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 time it was like an exhale for the first time in my life and I can identify with that.

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 I didn't realize I was holding my breath, I didn't even realize the uncomfortability

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 I had with myself and my own skin until I medicated and alcohol was the perfect fit.

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 It was the perfect fit.

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 I got sick, I puked, I peed my bed, I got in a lot of trouble.

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 You know, by the way, like years later when I was sober, I remember my friend's kid was

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 11 and he came to hear his father speak at a meeting and my friend said, do you realize

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 you were his age when you drank?

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 And I looked at this kid, he's a baby, he's 11 years old, a child, like, what the hell

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 is going on?

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 And I started crying.

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 I felt, you know, for myself, you know, one of the ways I've stopped hating myself as

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 much as I did, you know, I do care about my life today very much.

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 It was kind of heartbreaking to see that I don't dwell on the past, like I don't say

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 I wish or could've, should've, would've, but I've stopped doing that.

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 It's a waste of time and it actually will stop me from living in my day, which is kind

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 of my purpose today.

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 Anyway, so I had this experience and it came from ramifications, the consequences, it never

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 did.

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 I got in trouble at school, I got in trouble, of course, the board, all the governors in

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 my life had been forewarned about, oh my God, this kid got drunk and next weekend I did

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 it again.

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 It's kind of hard, you know, like when we're teenagers and you go up to a package store

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 at 7-Eleven to get something to buy you blues, it's kind of hard to do that at 11, you know.

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 I think that we didn't try.

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 So we, but we found ways to get it, we found ways to get it.

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 And then within a year or two, I was in Queens, New York, drinking, I'll never smell a pot.

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 We walked into my friend's apartment, told him, "Hey, there's a half a house, a pot sitting

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 on the staircase."

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 So we knew it wasn't.

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 We ran down, it was a thing they used to call pit shops, bought a pipe and there was three

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 of us and my friend's parents were at work and we ran into his apartment and sat in the

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 tub and opened the bathroom window, started smoking this stuff.

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 We did not clean the pot, so it was like popcorn, it was blowing up all over.

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 And then the other key missing component was the third guy who took a hit off of it, breathed

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 it in, inhaled it, and the whole fiery ball went down into his throat.

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 We didn't put a screen in it, we didn't know he could even scream, so we brought it back

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 to the guy and we said, "This thing's positive," and he said, "You guys are idiots."

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 Anyways, so, okay, so we're not going to smoke pot, and now we're smoking pot.

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 And now we'll never do pills, never need pills.

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 A year later, we're doing this, we flipped whalers, they were called soapers, we did

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 those and they were dropping acid and, you know, like I said, law conference, land conference

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 approved potions.

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 Big part of my story, I have a huge reverence for alcoholics anonymous and I am an alcoholic

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 and I have no problems talking for the next 30 minutes about my alcohol.

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 I think it's important that we never talk about drugs and stuff, or I don't, that way.

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 Like I said, this is about identification, this is about, you know, if you know the history

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 of Bill and Bob, you know, this is the first guy who understood me, this is the first guy

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 I knew when he was talking to me about it, and that was a guy who was in a religious

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 thing and he was well educated and he was doing the drugs, so I respect that, I respect

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 that because it's simply about me being one of those totally losing end of everything

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 and I always think I know that, I don't know if that bothers you guys, you know, that hasn't

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 changed a lot since I started drinking, you know, every day is an adventure to learn more

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 about myself and how I interact with you guys, myself and my other pals.

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 I look at it as a game now, you know, people used to talk about perfection and, you know,

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 this guy said "affection is for psychoteer" and he showed me an addiction and that was

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 my second big expensive movie and it was one of the stitches that said perfection was a

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 continual state of betterment, how cool is that, right, if you had a life that it could

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 get better all the time, there's nothing wrong with that, I mean, to me, perfection

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 would be boring, I don't know about you guys, but if the sun is out every day for a week,

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 I don't really care about the vision, or if I'm getting what I want continuously, I want

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 more, or I want something different, you know, that's just by human nature, I don't know,

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 so starting off my life, you know, pre-transition from child to adult, medicated a lot without

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 all the drugs and I had an older brother who's excelling in school, he graduated early in

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 like Harvard and became a heart surgeon and he's just, well, he's got a 1600 on his college

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 boards and I was two years behind him here and "why aren't you more like your brother?"

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 you know, I heard that a lot and I met my dad came in, not for the applause they were

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 giving me for their grades, because they didn't know where I was, again, and the council said

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 to my father, "why isn't he more like his brother?" and my dad said, "well, that's why

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 we gave him a different name" but my father was, he got a TA in 1962, he flew off aircraft

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 areas drunk and he flew the first 77s for American Airlines drunk and he didn't really

136
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 get sober till 1977, he didn't do the steps because he was smarter and better than everybody,

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 he felt better for you guys but had to take the steps, he was really good for you guys.

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 Back then they used to give lighters, Zippo lighters for your anniversary and he got so

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 many Zippo lighters for his one year anniversary because he kept drinking, they said they wanted

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 to get a digital, they put your date on it and we just gave him one and changed the date

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 on the lighter and he was, my dad was a character, he asked for it a few years ago, later in the

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 story, I said, "he's T. Thompson, here's somehow surrounded by police" and that's when he was

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 working at that jail time and he got into a treatment center first.

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 So I'm starting off life, you know, with one hand tied behind my back, blindfolded, I have

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 an anchor on my ankle and I'm trying to swim and it's just not working, it's just not working.

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 I became a survivor early on in my life, I knew that I had to work, I didn't have, when

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 I was 14, my mom, my single parent mom, she had divorced my dad when I was like two and

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 because of his drinking and it was my brother, my mom and myself and my grandparents, my

149
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 mom's parents.

150
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 My mom passed away, she went out to a restaurant, she was going to borrow some guy and we knew

151
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 him for years and she died, she never came home.

152
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 I can tell you that that drove my drinking but that would be the lie, what drinking did

153
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 was it got me through it, it really did, it was a mechanism for me to find from the reality

154
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 of losing my mom and what dad also did was cement alcohol on me together, I never did

155
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 anything without drinking again ever, I never took time off from drinking.

156
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 I didn't drink on a daily basis, I get drunk every day, when I was working I found it difficult

157
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 to do even when I was young but you know, once I, if I waited till Friday to drink,

158
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 I drank one weekend you know and then when you're doing the drugs, I was in the cooperative

159
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 union in New York City and I would be usually like 5am Sunday morning, I'd be in some red

160
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 pole bar giving the last of my money to some guy, you know and I'd get back to work and

161
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 I'd work a 60 hour week and then I'd get back Monday and I'd be borrowing money for lunch

162
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 and for gas and whatever else because I was broke every week, every week and in fact in

163
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 Bob's story he talks about this terrible cycle he was in with taking sedatives and amphetamines

164
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 and drinking and that maintenance of that lifestyle and that one of the wildest sentences

165
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 in the whole book is, and then I did that for 17 years and it's like holy shit, how

166
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 can you identify with that, there's no learning curve for him always, you know, who uses the

167
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 word stupid a few times in your book, I think you could use it a lot more than a few times,

168
00:11:39,100 --> 00:11:44,720
 so I got into the situation where I was working to live this lifestyle and there was no money

169
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 coming in from anybody else, my family kind of, everything was kind of backing away and

170
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 they tried to help, my dad was always there in the court room, I got arrested a lot, hospital

171
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 situations he was always there for me but he never like gave me money, he never, you

172
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 know, it was never like that wasn't the relationship and how did he handle it looking back, I mean

173
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 as an animal, not practicing an animal but as an animal, he was there when I guess when

174
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 he just couldn't stand what was going to happen to me, if I was going to have a prison, I'll

175
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 tell you there's one more major lowlife at the beginning of my career on the planet and

176
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 alcohol, when I was like 22, I was in a blackout at a bar and I went to the city with these

177
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 guys that were older than me and they were not guys that, I didn't even smoke, I was

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 still playing sports and stuff and I was playing hockey and I went with these guys and none

179
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 of my friends were there and they were older, they were like in their mid-20s and they were

180
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 getting hurt, I mean it wasn't like a surprise for me, when I was in, when I used to call

181
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 a greyout and it was a full blackout, a little specks and bits and pieces but you know there

182
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 was an idea that I pierced my body with a syringe and did hurt and that, where I came

183
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 from, the way it was brought up, people hung around with it, it was not something in like

184
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 1979 that people did and I did it, I went on to, I overdosed that weekend and they showed

185
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 me the cough, it was slumped over in the front seat of the cough for 36 hours, I had a needle

186
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 in my arm and they showed me and told me, they gave me Narcan and brought me to the hospital,

187
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 means the hospital, I can't remember the name of it, the nurses were on strike, there was

188
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 no air conditioning and I just, I remember they brought me in and they had to battle

189
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 me because my heart was racing, it was beating like 300 times a minute or something, I heard

190
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 it, they did it, they did it, they did it and I said what's that and he says that's

191
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 your heart, that's all, what if there's an emergency or something like that, I kind of

192
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 got that feeling and I ended up having to spend seven months in the hospital, I went

193
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 into renal failure in the kidney shed, off to my right side, I compressed a radial nerve,

194
00:13:47,440 --> 00:13:52,200
 my sciatic nerve from laying in this car seat, so I was paralyzed on my right side, twice

195
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 I think they wheeled me down in a wheelchair to give me analysis and this nurse used to

196
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 cry at the dialysis nurse when they'd wheel me in, she used to upset me, I didn't want

197
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 to upset her, whatever, however I looked, it wasn't good, I weighed like 150 pounds

198
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 more than I do now because of edema and slough.

199
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 So you know, I was stealing drugs off the drug cart in the hospital because they wouldn't

200
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 give me the good drugs because I was a junkie, considered a junkie, I said you know, it was

201
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 just a mistake and we did it once, you know, I'm actually mitten, that's death to me,

202
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 justifying minimalized rationales, right, anything, anything, so I ended up getting

203
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 out of the hospital, I didn't do drugs for a while, for years after that, but the drinking

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 came back in vengeance and then I started doing Russian roulette with Geographics, you

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 know, because I realized when I got sober that I actually wasn't going anywhere, I was

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 always leaving some place, because I had to, because either I couldn't work, I lost my

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 family's license, had all the warrants for my arrest and I would just take off, you know,

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 down to Houston, Texas by myself, went to California, went to Florida, went to the Northwest

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 and the strange thing is, each place I went, and I didn't realize this until I did one

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 of those timelines in one of the seven treatment sets, where you go back and write out your

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 life and every place I went, within the first 14 months, I got a drunk drug and within a

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 year after that, I got a second one and the second one is usually a felony, it also means

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 you're going to lose your privilege to drive in that state, which means I couldn't work,

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 which means I couldn't stay, so then I, then I said, what the hell are we doing in L.A.,

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 I hated L.A., what, I'm going back to New York, and I go back to New York, I think it's

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 in the back of the book, in one of the stories, and I think it's a woman who wrote this story,

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 she says, she had a lot of Geographics and she said that she wished, you know those giant

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 big signs, the big green signs, the interstate signs, like welcome to Vermont or whatever,

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 she says that she wished on the bottom corner for alcoholics, and it would say, this state

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 doesn't work either, because it would probably save a lot of expenses in travel, you know,

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 lawyers in different states, which I got acquainted with, so that kind of summed up, I mean, there

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 was relationships in there, there was, there was, there was everything that I said I wouldn't

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 do, I did, I became a thief, I was a lawyer, you know, and during this whole time, the

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 other thing that got cemented was, I really hated, I would never admit that, I would never

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 say that, but when it came down to it, I really didn't care for it, it was on the planet,

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 my job was to get loaded, it really was, so I was a bar drinker for most of those years

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 in my life, my work, your relationships, everything was, the bond was the universe, and then that

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 kind of started slipping away later in the years too, I couldn't, I couldn't function

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 it, because you know, like, what I was doing, I never, I was very tired, in fact, I never

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 got 86, I was always asked to leave, but it was a lot of back, I thought that was a real

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 accomplishment, you know, it's just, you know, being asked to have standards, but I got asked

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 to leave a lot of bars at the end, I mean, I was just an idiot, I like, you know, I'd

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 lose my driver's license, I was riding bicycles, and you know, I got into the whole field,

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 how do you get around, one story, I was standing out on Long Island, and I was in a town called

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 Sand Harbor, this woman is really a well-meaning human, I'll backtrack one second, I was married,

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 I left out wife because of alcohol, I kind of abandoned her in Florida, I think I was

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 doing her a favor, but it wasn't the right thing to do, I went back to New York, went

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 back with the guys that I used to drink with, and one night, I was drunk, I was crossing

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 the street at Queens, New York, and I got run over by a car, and the car was doing about

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 60 miles an hour, and I was drunk, the drug was drunk, it was a stolen car, and I just

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 remember sitting there on the road, and I think it was pretty bad, and I remember sitting

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 there going, excuse the language, I said, man, you really fucked up this time, I knew

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 this wasn't like things that had happened to me before, this was really gonna be bad.

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 I spent two years in the hospital, well, two years later, I was in the hospital for months

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 at a time, the fixer was on my way, I had a 28 surgery, and the OxyContin came out,

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 that was great, it really helped, you know, my dad says, you know, I was getting really

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 drunk, so the doctor says, don't worry, this won't work, this is not addictive, and I guess

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 my dad was sober in the times, like when the rebellion came around, and they said that

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 wasn't addictive either, I don't think anyone's ever convulsed that, but it is, so I went

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 to this whole ordeal, they wanted to cut my leg off, and blah blah blah, I was like 37,

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 36, 37, I said no, and I went through the whole process of all these surgeries, so I

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 ended up at my dad's house, he let me stay there while I was recovering, I was in bed

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 for a while, and then I started getting up around, and then I ended up, I took his car

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 on a Monday night, went around the block to a Monday night football game, and he was loaded

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 on the pills, I couldn't drink in his house, because he was sober, so was his wife, and

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 I used to get resentment about that, I couldn't drink there, he was letting me stay there

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 for like months, and I went to this bar, and I walked out, I got my 11th drug drive, and

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 I didn't, they took, they encountered my dad's car, and I ended up going to jail, they took

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 my crutches away, it was just, you know, like crawling around on the floor, you know, it

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 was just, and I remember, I remember when I was at an AA meeting one time, my sponsor

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 was talking, and he was telling a story, and he went like this, he went, pitiful and incomprehensible

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 demoralization, and he was talking about his story, and I was like, that's it, I mean,

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 it wasn't like an incident, that was my life, my life had become a succession of pitiful

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 and incomprehensible, I couldn't believe this shit was happening, and I don't know about

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 you guys, but I could never focus on what was core of the problem, I could never focus

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 on, this is because I'm drinking, it was always because the bartender over served me, the

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 cop was an asshole, you know, it was always something else, and I was just trying to figure

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 out, looking back, because I was trying to figure out a way to drink without the consequences,

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 how do you do that, the other guys were at the bar, they were drinking, they didn't get

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 drunk driving, how did that happen, why did that happen to me, you know, life sucks, everything

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 sucks, and that sets you on a path, that my biggest problem at the end of my drinking

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 career was not alcohol, my biggest problem was being conscious, when I woke up in the

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 morning with the terror, being available, for this, for life, I was unprepared, and

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 the alcohol was diminishing my capacity to beep, and little by slowly, I mean, anybody

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 who's been on that cycle, the time between drinks becomes shorter and shorter, there

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 is no time between drinks, so you get up in the middle of the line to drink, and that's

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 the last five years of my drinking, I was, after my accident, there was a succession,

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 I had never dated, or like, sought out to date wealthy women, that wasn't like part

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 of my story, you know, me and a lot of them in the bars, I didn't have that, and I had

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 no idea what co-dependence was, but so now I'm like, I'm this guy with this really tough

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 story in this accident, and he went in together, these women are coming here for my life, now

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 living in the Hamptons, you know, I'm going to see a Park Avenue psychiatrist, who had

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 a bottle of Xanax on his desk, and every time he left the room, I would fill my pockets

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 with, you know, and they all tried to help me, and I didn't realize it at the time, I

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 was like, wow, I'm back, you know, and during the downward spiral, these women in succession

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 had more and more money, and tried to help me more and more, so towards the end, towards

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 the end, there was a woman, she's dead now, she's the daughter of a very famous painter,

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 and she sent me to like two or three treatment centers, she started out as a direct result,

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 she helped a lot of people, and I went to seven treatment centers, I think treatment

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 became, treatment is kind of like discovery, and AA's the recovery, you find out a lot

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 about yourself, and with other people, and you're not alone anymore, and you're any place

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 where it's a lot harder to get a drink, so you know, you can, you know, you don't have

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 that vast lean on your eyes, and you learn about that, you start to learn about the power

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 system, but you know, we got these steps here, these really cool steps, and I had problems

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 with that one, the doorstep, it took me from 11 to 39 to find the doorstep, because you're

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 not going to hear this shit out there, what happens in here, the magic, the alchemy that

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 happens in alcoholics, you're not going to hear it in treatment centers, you're not going

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 to hear it in bars, you're not going to hear it in group therapy, something really cool

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 happens here, that's why at the beginning of my talk, I told you how I feel when I come

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 here.

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 I have a very strong belief, not an understanding, but a strong belief in an endless supply of

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 experience that tells me that I have a love and care in God in my life tonight, my God,

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 and I learned about that, the idea of something outside of myself that connects all of us

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 here, and it was presented to me in a way through the 12 steps, where I was kind of

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 removed, my past was removed, my ideas were removed, and I was kind of left open, which

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 was really good, for a new idea, for a new understanding, for a new path in life, because

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 if drinking was my only problem, if you stopped drinking, you don't have problems, and that's

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 not my story, I'm not here, I was sleeping, my mind was racing, I had a lot of stuff going

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 on, it was an implorable context, so somehow, some way, this group of drunks, you know,

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 I got here from the gift of desperation, my sponsor said, gee, I got a problem with God,

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 he says, we don't have a problem with you, don't worry, you know, and I can understand,

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 gift of desperation, that this was not my first choice, you know, I didn't want to come

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 to it yet, once I got here, it felt different, I did, I kind of liked it, I did, I felt part

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 of something which I hadn't felt in my whole life, actually, and then I got introduced

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 to God again, and what God is saying is to get the group of drunks, we're doing it right

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 now, right now we're doing it, right now when we get together, that's why I love impersonating

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 you, that's why I love the fact that you guys are working hard to put this together after

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 we just had this COVID mess, and I thank God for, at the Zoom meetings, I don't know what

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 the hell we would have done without it, but I hope it's a bridge, and people will rise

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 up in AA as they always do, and people, you know, I always say, the barometer for me is

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 how am I doing this, if everyone was doing it, I'll do it in AA, AA exists, and sometimes

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 I'm doing luck, sometimes I'm busy in my life, I may not be sponsoring, I may not be more

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 expensive, I may not have a home, I may travel a lot, and I have to say, if I'm too busy

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 for AA, I'm too busy, if I'm too busy for AA, I'm too busy, because without this, without

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 what we have right here, right now, there's no existence for me, I never say, oh, if I

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 drink again, I'm going to die, if I drink again, I'm not going to die, or maybe I won't

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 drink and put a gun in my mouth, and that's what alcohols do, that's it, alright, we don't

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 need alcohol to kill us, don't tell God how big our crumbs are, tell my crumbs how big,

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 not that I was going to drink, but how am I going to handle this, and one thing led to

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 another, and I did a lot of praying, and had a lot of support, and I had blood in my eye

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 with me when I came to Thailand, to Florida, to burn my dad, and what happened was, his

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 wife, my stepmother, she had been with me for 40 years, she needed support, it wasn't

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 like I was a big hero, or anything like that, so I went there to support her, and guess

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 what happened, my perceptions, my attitudes, and my emotions can get better here, we're

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 out there, they don't, but I don't go to meetings, and I don't pray, and I don't meditate, and

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 I don't work for the other alcoholics, I get sick, and if you stay, do the work, reach

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 up to the beginning of every meeting, it says we beg of you, people who wrote this, and

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 we beg of you to be fearless, and tell them to be very smart, and then they say, is the

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 cup half full, half empty, my cup, I'm an alcoholic that's going to drink into that,

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 my cup's overflowing every day, and some of it's supposed to spill out to someone else's,

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 so that's it, stay sober, meet the other alcoholic, three chiefs of women, I want them all here,

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 anything of value I have in my life, has a stamp that says property of alcohol, so thanks.