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 Hi. Thank you very much, Scott, for asking me. My name is Susan. I'm an alcoholic.

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 I'll work everything out of sequence here anyway. But I do want to thank everybody in

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 the group and especially my old friends there that are used to seeing me. I've heard my

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 story. Saw me when I came in dazed and confused. And I want to say hi to my best friend is

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 here. You need one of those. What a surprise. And Stephanie and my daughter, Lori, and those

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 two ladies are my go tos when when for some reason I can't reach my sponsor. And I'm glad

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 to have them in my life. They've been in my life. Well, Lori, all her life. I'm a little

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 nervous because I haven't done this in a while. And, you know, if you guys fall asleep, it's

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 okay. I don't mind really. I was born in California, actually, in the valley. They're right around

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 the St. Mark's Church where I wasn't born there. I was born in Glendale, but I lived

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 there as a child and in the 50s. So you can figure that from there. And my my experience,

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 I was just always like, not the most popular, but I had a lot of friends. I wasn't the girlfriend.

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 I was the sister, you know, I was always there, but I never really knew how things worked.

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 I know it started out though, I had a relationship with God when I was young, because as it started,

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 my parents used to sing at that little St. Mark's Church. And I went to church there

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 as a young, very young kid. And I remember sitting in the tree in back in the backyard,

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 and I remember asking God what he had in store for me, what, what, what was I going to do?

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 What did he want me to do? And funny thing, looking at this end of it, I'm still trying

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 to tell him what I need to do. But anyway, so I wasn't the most popular. But like I said,

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 I had a lot of friends did a lot of things. Um, you know, we goofed off. They I had a

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 I had a cutting school party at my house, and they drank a lot of my dad's booze. And

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 we had this one girl in the shower that was barfing so hard, but I didn't drink anything

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 because I was too worried about my parents coming home and busting us, you know, and

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 so I was more concerned about that. Um, high school, not so much. One time a girl gave

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 me a pink lady. Well, that was exciting. Um, and then I met a man nine years older than

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 me on a blind date. He had the best car in the valley. And he would come at lunch and

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 pick me and my girlfriend up so we could smoke and then he would bring a little thing of

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 brandy and we pour some in our coke and think we were really hot when we went back to school,

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 but I wasn't a big drinker at all. In fact, I kind of didn't like to be around people

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 that drank, you know, my dad and all his family drank a lot. My grandfather was alcoholic.

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 And so it was not just not something that really interested me. The is really it was,

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 um, I don't know when I by the time I was 15, I was still asking, what's What am I supposed

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 to do? What am I going to be? What am I going to be when I grow up, you know, and I just

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 didn't know that I had no direction. I just really didn't know where I was going and what

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 I was going to do high school then and then I got married and married the man on from

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 the blind date and had two kids and I joined the women's club and those girls can drink.

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 So I started drinking with them. And you know, we had they we had a special bar that we went

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 to back in the old days, the Bel Air Bowl was there and they had a lounge and we would

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 go in there and sure enough, we drink and have a good time, you know, and but not to

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 excess. Um, about the same time, I decided to get a job. So I went to work as a bikini

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 dancer at the candy cat out on Devonshire and I didn't drink that wasn't interested

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 in it. But I would go to the bar every night on my way home because there was nothing to

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 go home for. I mean, my husband worked early and I worked late. So part of that little

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 fiasco there really showed me that you know, I did have a normal life but I kind of got

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 rid of it because one night at the bar, one of the girls said that guy over there is a

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 drug dealer and I said really and so I went over and sat down at his table and started

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 talking to him and left my husband for him and we got married and that's what we did.

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 You know, we did a lot of drugs and did a lot of things and still not a lot on drinking.

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 I just I was kind of a drug snob. You know, I just I worked at beer bars and stuff and

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 I said I just don't want to deal with these people off work, you know, and I didn't want

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 to drink like that. But anyway, so years went by and the kids grew. We did a we moved to

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 Louisiana for nine years. That was interesting. Learned a lot learned to drink. That's one

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 of the things I learned down there and came back to California and it was same thing,

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 you know, drinking got went got back into the drug scene, things like that again. And

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 you know, finally the after 20 some years I had just had it and told my husband, you know,

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 I'm done. I'm leaving. My girls had all gone off in different directions and I had

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 enough. And so I got a divorce and in 86 and I celebrated for the next nine years and

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 pretty much ran myself into the ground. At first it was just the fun things, you know,

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 oh, I'm going to, you know, go out drink, meet some people, things like that. And then

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 it was, well, I'm not really going to go out with anybody. You know, I'm just going

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 to drink at home as I would get too wasted and I didn't want to do that because it was

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 embarrassing. And so, and I really didn't want people to know how much I was drinking

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 and the ones that did know how much I was drinking, stop being friends because they

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 didn't have any use for me. You know, all I do would be drink, get drunk, throw up,

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 go home, you know, which is no fun either. But I kind of went along like this for

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 quite a while and it was becoming a big problem. I was getting to the point where I

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 couldn't, I couldn't go to work without leaving to either drink or to leave

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 completely. I was physically a wreck then at that point. I remember there were times

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 when I would get in the shower and I couldn't stand the water hitting my body. It just

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 stung it. I didn't know what I was going to do. So I kept trying to sober up myself.

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 This was my Valium sobering. So what, what I would do is I would drink all week, all

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 weekend. And then I would, on Sunday night I would take a Valium and Monday I would

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 take a Valium and I would go to work and I'd be okay until Thursday. Then I had to

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 drink again because I couldn't make it. I couldn't make it a whole week. So it got so

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 bad. I, I was leaving work early. I was hiding. I didn't know what to do. I didn't

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 want anybody to know I was drinking like they couldn't figure that out. And it all

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 pretty much came to a head when I went to visit my daughter who had moved and taken

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 my grandson who is six and disabled at the time. And they've moved to Vegas. And

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 so I would go to Vegas and see them. And I drove down there. And by the time I got

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 there, this one time it was my birthday. I got there and I sat down in the chair and

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 promptly passed out and hit the floor. And I woke up to my little grandson saying,

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 grandma, grandma, are you okay? Are you okay? And I spent the rest of the weekend

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 drinking and my, my daughter, it was time for me to go home. And my daughter said,

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 mom, please, please don't drink. Please just go home. Don't drink anymore. And I

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 said, I won't, I won't, you know, which I went immediately to the store, uh,

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 bought my bottle, which was, um, uh, Sousa commemorative. And I remember

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 popping off the lid at the bottom of the driveway. And then I came to on the 118

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 just before the Topanga exit, which is what I needed to take to go home. And the

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 first thought in my head was I better go to the liquor store because I got, I'm

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 going to, I have to have something to take home. I can't go home without

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 anything else to drink. So I had drunk at fifth on the way in that drive. Don't

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 remember any of it. Um, that was, that was the worst part right there was I

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 went home and then I spent the next four days at home. I told him I fell down the

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 stairs, which I think I did. And I was bruised up pretty bad. So I must have, um,

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 I called work and everything and put that off. And I knew, I knew I was going to

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 lose my job. I knew I was going to, everybody was going to know what was

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 going on with me. And I just, I would pass out. I'd wake up, you can't call it

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 sleep. I would just pass out, wake up the liquor store delivered and took my

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 checks and that worked just fine. And that's all I did for those four days. And

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 then I don't know when one time when I came to, I don't know, I just, I thought

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 I can't go on like this. And, and I actually thought at that moment about

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 taking the car and driving over the Malibu Ganyan and just right over the

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 edge. And the next thought in my head was what would my children tell my

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 grandchildren that I had done? And that still gives me chills because I'll never

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 forget that it wasn't from inside me. It was from outside of me. And I just had a

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 realization at that moment. So I called my oldest daughter, daughter, and she came

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 and got me and she drove back up to Ventura and took me to a detox there. And

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 I remember as we were approaching the detox, I was thinking, I'm totally out of

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 it thinking, I'm never going to have fun again. I can't imagine what I thought

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 was fun about the torture about the prison that I had created for myself

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 within myself. I couldn't break loose of it. I couldn't change it. I couldn't do

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 anything about it. I couldn't drink and I couldn't not drink. I was just in that. I

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 didn't know what else to do. And so when by the time I got into the detox, I was

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 terrified. I didn't know what they were going to do. I didn't know what I should

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 do. I didn't know anything. I was just, I was terrified. And I remember standing

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 there at the window and just asking God to please help me. And that, that moment

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 changed everything for me. My perspective changed. My, what I learned in, in there,

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 I was so interested in what they had to say. I was so glad to not drink. I was so

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 thankful that I had a place to be. I wasn't very nice the first few days they

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 told me, but I did what they asked. I went through the papers. I read the things

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 they said to read. And I began to think that there might be a way for me to get

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 out of this prison that I'm in. I don't want to go back. I knew I was probably

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 within months of physically dying was what I could, what I felt like. And so I, I

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 did everything they said to do while I was there. They took us to meetings, which

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 was really very interesting because I'd gone to one or two before with somebody

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 else. And I swear they were all wearing trench coats and I was having none of

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 that. And so I wasn't up for that at all, but they sent us, sent us out that, and I

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 stayed at my daughter's one night. And then I drove back to back down into, I was

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 up in West West Hills. And I spent that whole, I came home Sunday night, excuse

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 me. I spent Monday morning with going to the central office. I got a meeting

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 directory and then I sat there and I picked out the meeting I was going to

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 that night. And I went there and I drove around and made sure that it was safe,

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 that I could be there at night by myself. This is how weird I was. But anyway, and I

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 went to that meeting that night, Monday night meeting. I walked up to it. Three

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 people came up to greet me, Kevin Colette and Milton. And they said welcome and

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 come in. And everybody was dressed nice. And the secretary for that meeting was

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 Bruce, all dressed in a suit. And the other women that came in, they had on

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 business dresses and heels. And I thought, these people can't possibly drink like I

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 was drinking this. I don't get this. You know, this must be lightweight stuff here,

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 but it wasn't. And I was, I sat and started taking notes because people were

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 sharing. And the sharing, I heard my story and I heard me and I heard about other

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 people's prison and how hard it was to overcome that and what they went through

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 to have that moment of clarity and that first day of absolute sobriety and what

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 that first day meant to me. And so that was life's in session. And I stuck with

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 them from that day on. I did everything they asked. I was so grateful to be

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 somewhere where somebody knew something that I didn't know and could coach me,

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 bring me, teach me how to live my life. Because I could never figure out exactly

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 how to live it. I'm one of these, oh, this came up, we do that, or that comes up, we

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 do this. But all this time I had purpose. And it started out really easy. I mean, it

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 was make your bed every day, make your bed every day. I still do it. And I still

151
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 think the same thing. Make your bed every day, you know, go to go to 90 meetings in

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 90 days. Oh, you bet I will read the big book cover to cover. Well, that was a

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 little hard because it kept falling on me when I fell asleep. But I did it. And I

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 loved it. And every meeting got better and better and better. As six months, I

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 went into H&I, I worked the conventions, I participated in my sobriety, like I

156
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 never understood how to do something like that. Show up for the birthdays, you know,

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 be there when when new people came in, walk up and introduce yourself, get out of

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 yourself. And that's hard to do, especially me. I'm an isolator. I'm a, you know, I

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 curl in on myself. I'm self self self. And that's, that's where I am. But I learned

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 not to be like that. I learned to be able to walk in and introduce yourself and get

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 to know people and listen to their part of their life and not to worry about

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 yours. Because if you're listening to theirs, you don't need to worry about

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 yours. You're fine. Excuse me, I'm sorry today. Well, I think like like everybody,

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 it's been a little hard to do the meeting things. It was here anyway. And I

165
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 kind of didn't have my connection back. So when I found out that this was zoom

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 meetings, I said, Oh, primarily, I'm going back there. And I have found a couple

167
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 meetings here that I like that I'm comfortable in. It's like I said, I'm now

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 sometimes, you know, but it's not that I don't want to be there. And it's not that

169
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 I don't want to listen. And I do and I have, it's just there's other things. I

170
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 don't want to say there's other things in my life is that's not right. It's I miss

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 the things I had before with the diligence with the understanding with the

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 the actual camaraderie. And that's been a little difficult for me to find that

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 here. Not that it's not here. It's been difficult for me to find that here. And I

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 don't know if it's if it's because I'm older. I don't know what it is. I don't

175
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 care what it is. But I have done a lot of a lot more dedicated things with God in

176
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 my life. And that has become extremely important to me. Although I still have to

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 remember to surrender control to God every day, I have to remind myself that

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 you know, God does just fine without me. He doesn't need my advice. I'm willing to

179
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 give it but he doesn't need it. And one of the things that I've really struggled

180
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 with is that worrying about things. You know, my mom used to say worry, never

181
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 climbed a hill where worry never paid a bill. Well, like I said, since I isolate

182
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 so much, and I don't have best friends, I have my children and my grandchildren

183
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 and my great grandchildren. And that is pretty much my life now. You know, it's

184
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 so important to me to have that relationship with my grandchildren and my

185
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 great grandchildren. You know, they're, they're amazing. There's, there's seven

186
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 of them. And they're all amazing. And every one of them is just cute as they

187
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 can be. I had one of the boys over one day, and I was cleaning out my God box,

188
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 and he opened it and pulled out all my chips. And he goes, Giga, what are these,

189
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 you know, and I explained, and then he pulled out a piece of paper, and he

190
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 opened it. And he goes, why is my name on this paper? And I said, that's because I

191
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 pray for you. And I put that in my God box there, you know, and so he also has

192
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 that spiritual, you know, leaning, it's so it's kind of a miracle to watch this,

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 it's a miracle that I that I made it to the detox, it's a miracle that I made it

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 to life's in session that I made my first meeting, it's a miracle that I was

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 able to understand and finally find a place where I could understand what was

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 going on where it did make perfect sense to me where where everything that we did

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 had a purpose. And that purpose was obvious. And I missed that I missed that

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 discipline. I missed that, you know, accountability, if you will, that is it's

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 hard when you're an isolator. I wish that there was, you know, more that I

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 could say about that. But I don't know how much I don't know how much more I

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 could say except that I found a place I've made a place to some degree, but I

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 miss I miss the big group, but I don't miss my God because he's there. And my

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 relationship with him has changed everything. And that has been one of the

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 primary things of my staying sober is that relationship is knowing that he

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 loves me, he is in control. And I have seen and had miracles happen where I

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 know it's not me, I didn't do it, he did that. And so I don't have a problem in

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 that area with with understanding that my only problem is me forgetting to turn

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 over my issues to him and letting him take care of that, you know, just one of

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 those things of hanging on too tight and learning to surrender even at 26 years

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 learning to surrender learning that to give give away your control, turn that

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 over, give that up, it's hard for me to do. I'm not. I'm a control freak. And I'm

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 not proud of it. That's not one of the better sides of me, I'd prefer not to be

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 like, I really like to like the moments when I'm close closer to him. But I found

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 it that also that during the times that I'm feel distant, or I'm struggling with

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 distance, or I don't feel like I belong because I don't work anymore. And that

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 that takes a lot of the social out of your life. And so not having those things,

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 sometimes that's the time when God appears to me more when I feel closer to

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 him, because when things are singing along and real good, you kind of don't

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 think about I know, when I was little, I used to think of God like Santa Claus,

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 God, if you ask him for something, he's going to give it to you, or ask him and

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 maybe he'll give it to you, you know, and that's, that's not who my God is today.

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 Today, my God is there with me, he knows that I need to be sober, he keeps me

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 sober through love. And honestly, through the miracles through the family that I

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 have through my children through my best friend, because they all speak God to me.

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 And I like that. I didn't think I was going to turn this into a God thing. I

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 thought it was going to stay with not drinking and drugging and things like

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 that. But I can tell you that today I am so grateful that I don't drink I have

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 one of my granddaughters who's 24 has never seen me drink or drunk. None of my

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 great grandchildren and have seen me drink at all. I mean, they don't they

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 don't even think about that. That's not what they call me giga. That's not what

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 giga does, you know, that just isn't part of it. So I don't have any pearls of

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 wisdom, I think I wish I did. Because I would gladly share those. All I know is

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 that I needed to be sober, I got sober, I was given a gift, I can never repay

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 ever. I try to do that at the best I can. If it's helped to form the young

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 children, that's that's important too, because this runs in my family. And it

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 has run in my husband's both of theirs families. And so that makes it tough for

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 my kids and my grandkids and my great grandkids because they've got it too. And

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 some of their parents, you know, the fathers or the whoever, you know, the

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 mother or whatever. And so this is something it's a family deal. And I

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 strive to show them the right way to live your life. And we talk about

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 alcohol, we talk about people that drink that, you know, it's how that is for

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 them. And they know that they've seen that not with me, but they've seen it.

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 So um, I don't know if I'm cutting this short or what I am kind of actually

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 don't know what else to say. Thank you. I want to, you know, thank Scott for

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 asking me to share. It's been a long time since I've done this. You can tell

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 I'm pretty scattered. I don't mean to be. I'm going to blame it on my age, I

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 think. But I want to thank license session quality of life at the people.

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 Okay, I just want to thank Bruce also for being there being such a good

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 example. When I walked in, I want to thank my best friend Stephanie and my

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 daughter Lori for their guidance, their love, their, you know, their support.

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 This is a wonderful meeting. I love coming. I love seeing you all again, and

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 listening to you. And just, you know, it's it's wonderful experience for me.

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 Now, if it can happen for me, it can happen for anyone that wants it bad

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 enough. I'm sorry, I think I'm done.

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 I'm not going to go into a big speech at all. But thank you, everyone. I

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 really appreciate it. It's wonderful. I've never thought I'd make it. Don't

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 drink, don't die. That's all.

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 Well, it's my story and it's all I can do. It was great, right? Good job,

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 honey. Love you guys. Thank you.