1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,540
 - Hi, my name is Sandy, I'm an addict and an alcoholic.

2
00:00:02,540 --> 00:00:03,380
 - Hi Sandy.

3
00:00:03,380 --> 00:00:05,400
 - And I wanna thank Scott for inviting me

4
00:00:05,400 --> 00:00:08,300
 to come participate in my own recovery here.

5
00:00:08,300 --> 00:00:10,500
 It's always an honor and a pleasure to be asked

6
00:00:10,500 --> 00:00:12,420
 to speak at a meeting.

7
00:00:12,420 --> 00:00:16,500
 And let me just see, okay, there's a clip right here.

8
00:00:16,500 --> 00:00:18,760
 Trying to keep track of my time here.

9
00:00:18,760 --> 00:00:22,460
 So I'm gonna tell you a little bit about what it was like,

10
00:00:22,460 --> 00:00:24,220
 what happened and what it's like now.

11
00:00:24,220 --> 00:00:26,740
 I like to kind of follow the format.

12
00:00:26,740 --> 00:00:30,700
 I'll tell you that I too, like Abraham was a late bloomer.

13
00:00:30,700 --> 00:00:34,020
 I didn't actually start drinking till I was like eight.

14
00:00:34,020 --> 00:00:37,860
 I didn't start drinking until I was like 13.

15
00:00:37,860 --> 00:00:42,860
 And what I found was that I was, I'm half Japanese

16
00:00:42,860 --> 00:00:48,180
 and I have literally this allergy to alcohol.

17
00:00:48,180 --> 00:00:50,620
 Like my whole face turns bright red.

18
00:00:50,620 --> 00:00:53,700
 My head feels like it's a 50 pounds heavy.

19
00:00:53,700 --> 00:00:57,140
 And whenever I drink, like I emanate this kind

20
00:00:57,140 --> 00:00:59,520
 of 105 temperature, right?

21
00:00:59,520 --> 00:01:03,420
 And I feel like, oh, just plop me up against the wall, right?

22
00:01:03,420 --> 00:01:05,820
 And then, so that brings in other party favors

23
00:01:05,820 --> 00:01:08,060
 'cause I need to stay up because all my friends

24
00:01:08,060 --> 00:01:10,540
 are out drinking me, they're out partying me.

25
00:01:10,540 --> 00:01:14,300
 And I'm gonna fall asleep unless I'm gonna pass out,

26
00:01:14,300 --> 00:01:16,400
 unless I like kind of keep up with the crowd.

27
00:01:16,400 --> 00:01:20,100
 So then I remember, as a young woman, 13 years old,

28
00:01:20,100 --> 00:01:25,100
 being jealous of my friends, like (indistinct)

29
00:01:25,100 --> 00:01:27,580
 just this lightweight, you know?

30
00:01:27,580 --> 00:01:31,820
 And I remember like experimenting with different things

31
00:01:31,820 --> 00:01:34,060
 and you know, and for me, I didn't like beer.

32
00:01:34,060 --> 00:01:36,180
 So I hated the taste of beer.

33
00:01:36,180 --> 00:01:39,900
 So I remember like, oh, I'll just take the tequila, right?

34
00:01:39,900 --> 00:01:42,900
 And then after a pint of tequila, I'm dry heaving

35
00:01:42,900 --> 00:01:47,460
 and I'm like, oh, never, ever, ever, ever, ever again, right?

36
00:01:47,460 --> 00:01:50,300
 Same thing happened with Jack Daniels, same thing happened

37
00:01:50,300 --> 00:01:52,840
 with Jim Beam, I mean, I kind of went through 'em

38
00:01:52,840 --> 00:01:55,980
 to go like, okay, you know, that is not for me.

39
00:01:55,980 --> 00:01:57,740
 That's just not for me.

40
00:01:57,740 --> 00:02:01,860
 As a young girl, I was in a sport

41
00:02:01,860 --> 00:02:05,060
 'cause my dad was a basketball coach.

42
00:02:05,060 --> 00:02:08,540
 So I started playing basketball when I was like six years old,

43
00:02:08,540 --> 00:02:11,300
 no, eight years old and running trips when I was six.

44
00:02:11,300 --> 00:02:15,640
 But as a girl, I was like into sports and school.

45
00:02:15,640 --> 00:02:18,180
 And then as a teenager, all of a sudden,

46
00:02:18,180 --> 00:02:22,180
 it just kind of like flipped into now I'm interested

47
00:02:22,180 --> 00:02:25,700
 into the opposite sex and drugs, right?

48
00:02:25,700 --> 00:02:28,300
 And I remember at that point in time, you know,

49
00:02:28,300 --> 00:02:31,000
 Nancy Reagan, the Reagans were in office

50
00:02:31,000 --> 00:02:34,840
 and she had this huge just say no campaign

51
00:02:34,840 --> 00:02:39,540
 and you know, just say no, sounds so simple, right?

52
00:02:39,540 --> 00:02:44,540
 And I remember like a poster and the poster had like a photo

53
00:02:45,700 --> 00:02:49,140
 of like an alcohol bottle with the skull and crossbones

54
00:02:49,140 --> 00:02:52,000
 and then a picture of what pills look like

55
00:02:52,000 --> 00:02:55,700
 and a picture of what like heroin looks like with a needle

56
00:02:55,700 --> 00:02:57,140
 and a picture of like these.

57
00:02:57,140 --> 00:02:58,600
 And then somewhere across the bottom,

58
00:02:58,600 --> 00:03:00,780
 it said something to the effect of, you know,

59
00:03:00,780 --> 00:03:03,900
 just say no, 2 million people are addicted to drugs

60
00:03:03,900 --> 00:03:06,060
 and whatever in the world or in the United States,

61
00:03:06,060 --> 00:03:06,900
 whatever it was.

62
00:03:06,900 --> 00:03:09,100
 And I thought to myself, 2 million people, huh?

63
00:03:09,100 --> 00:03:11,060
 Must be something good about that.

64
00:03:11,060 --> 00:03:14,060
 So I kind of got this opposite message

65
00:03:14,060 --> 00:03:15,900
 that like I was reading between the lines,

66
00:03:15,900 --> 00:03:17,160
 but I don't think that was a message

67
00:03:17,160 --> 00:03:19,240
 that they really intended to give.

68
00:03:19,240 --> 00:03:20,500
 And of course you never think

69
00:03:20,500 --> 00:03:22,940
 that you're gonna be the one with the problem.

70
00:03:22,940 --> 00:03:25,740
 You never think you're gonna be the one, you know,

71
00:03:25,740 --> 00:03:27,420
 that really needs to ask for help.

72
00:03:27,420 --> 00:03:30,280
 You know, I didn't think I was gonna be the one

73
00:03:30,280 --> 00:03:31,700
 that felt like dying.

74
00:03:31,700 --> 00:03:33,020
 I didn't think so.

75
00:03:33,020 --> 00:03:34,540
 That was the furthest thing from my mind.

76
00:03:34,540 --> 00:03:36,680
 I just thought, oh, I just wanna party.

77
00:03:36,680 --> 00:03:37,800
 I just wanna have a good time.

78
00:03:37,800 --> 00:03:40,900
 I had this like, you know, this like secret life

79
00:03:40,900 --> 00:03:43,620
 and not only secret life to all my friends

80
00:03:43,620 --> 00:03:45,760
 that also partied with me,

81
00:03:45,760 --> 00:03:47,980
 but also a secret life to those friends

82
00:03:47,980 --> 00:03:49,300
 that I partied with, right?

83
00:03:49,300 --> 00:03:53,140
 So I have this one persona that I portray to, you know,

84
00:03:53,140 --> 00:03:56,060
 my parents and their friends and my school.

85
00:03:56,060 --> 00:03:57,740
 And then I have this other persona

86
00:03:57,740 --> 00:04:01,380
 that I portray to my associates and my friends.

87
00:04:01,380 --> 00:04:05,020
 But then even when I'm not partying with you, right?

88
00:04:05,020 --> 00:04:08,300
 Later, I'm back over here and thinking to myself,

89
00:04:08,300 --> 00:04:10,980
 I remember like, you know,

90
00:04:10,980 --> 00:04:14,780
 I remember going and getting a, you know,

91
00:04:14,780 --> 00:04:19,780
 they called it a sham, but it's PCP, okay?

92
00:04:19,780 --> 00:04:22,500
 And yeah, angel dust, right?

93
00:04:22,500 --> 00:04:25,820
 And I remember at 14, 15 thinking,

94
00:04:25,820 --> 00:04:27,100
 Scott will think bad of me

95
00:04:27,100 --> 00:04:30,120
 if he knows I'm smoking angel dust, right?

96
00:04:30,120 --> 00:04:33,280
 So I won't tell him that I'm smoking angel dust

97
00:04:33,280 --> 00:04:35,940
 because he'll think bad of me, you know?

98
00:04:35,940 --> 00:04:39,580
 So I'd be like, oh yeah, I haven't done that in so long.

99
00:04:39,580 --> 00:04:42,620
 And it's been like maybe three weeks, right?

100
00:04:42,620 --> 00:04:45,860
 So I'm already like learning these survival skills

101
00:04:45,860 --> 00:04:50,420
 to lie and cheat and to be someone else, right?

102
00:04:50,420 --> 00:04:52,980
 Anyways, you know, we learn when we get here,

103
00:04:52,980 --> 00:04:55,320
 it's actually in the doctor's opinion, you know,

104
00:04:55,320 --> 00:04:58,500
 it talks about alcoholism being a progressive disease.

105
00:04:58,500 --> 00:05:00,260
 And then there's a whole premise.

106
00:05:00,260 --> 00:05:03,340
 This is a hypothesis really that says, you know,

107
00:05:03,340 --> 00:05:05,480
 the alcoholic is different from other people

108
00:05:05,480 --> 00:05:09,020
 because we are like physically different

109
00:05:09,020 --> 00:05:11,060
 and mentally different, right?

110
00:05:11,060 --> 00:05:13,880
 And then spiritually different also than other people.

111
00:05:13,880 --> 00:05:16,880
 That's why my friend can drink, drink, drink, drink, drink.

112
00:05:16,880 --> 00:05:19,060
 And then at the end of the night, she said,

113
00:05:19,060 --> 00:05:21,060
 oh, I gotta be at work, I gotta go.

114
00:05:21,060 --> 00:05:23,180
 And I'm thinking to myself, what are you talking about?

115
00:05:23,180 --> 00:05:25,340
 They're staying here, I didn't freaking leave it.

116
00:05:25,340 --> 00:05:27,020
 I'll leave at three or four.

117
00:05:27,020 --> 00:05:28,540
 I'll make it to work at eight.

118
00:05:28,540 --> 00:05:30,640
 Then of course around 5 a.m. you're thinking,

119
00:05:30,640 --> 00:05:32,900
 I'm not making it, I'm not making it, okay?

120
00:05:32,900 --> 00:05:36,440
 And there's nothing like a well-looked ass

121
00:05:36,440 --> 00:05:38,780
 that'll make you willing, that'll make you willing.

122
00:05:38,780 --> 00:05:41,900
 People say like, oh, I don't know about this God's concept.

123
00:05:41,900 --> 00:05:43,620
 That's all right, you know, well-looked ass

124
00:05:43,620 --> 00:05:45,540
 will bring you right back in here.

125
00:05:45,540 --> 00:05:47,620
 Try a little bit more experimentation.

126
00:05:47,620 --> 00:05:51,700
 And when I got here, I didn't even know I was done.

127
00:05:51,700 --> 00:05:55,460
 Oh, by the way, my sobriety date is January 23rd, 1990.

128
00:05:55,460 --> 00:05:57,780
 I was 20 years old when I got here.

129
00:05:57,780 --> 00:06:00,700
 Like I said, you know, I was kind of running and gunning

130
00:06:00,700 --> 00:06:02,340
 since I was maybe 13 years old,

131
00:06:02,340 --> 00:06:04,620
 but I wouldn't even think of it like running and gunning.

132
00:06:04,620 --> 00:06:07,860
 I would think of it like I was a party animal

133
00:06:07,860 --> 00:06:10,380
 that just liked to party on the weekends, you know?

134
00:06:10,380 --> 00:06:13,700
 I had thought of myself as someone who liked to work hard

135
00:06:13,700 --> 00:06:15,060
 and play hard, you know?

136
00:06:15,060 --> 00:06:17,900
 And this is what I'm telling myself in my mind, right?

137
00:06:17,900 --> 00:06:22,620
 And next thing I know, my job really as a daughter,

138
00:06:22,620 --> 00:06:27,300
 as a student really is to go to school, do well in school.

139
00:06:27,300 --> 00:06:29,140
 And I went from doing well in school

140
00:06:29,140 --> 00:06:31,700
 to progressively doing worse and worse

141
00:06:31,700 --> 00:06:34,780
 as I was progressively drinking more and more.

142
00:06:34,780 --> 00:06:37,660
 As I was, and I remember going to the parties

143
00:06:37,660 --> 00:06:40,860
 with the Boon's Farm and the Mad Dog 2020

144
00:06:40,860 --> 00:06:42,180
 and all this kind of stuff.

145
00:06:42,180 --> 00:06:44,060
 And like I said, I kind of went through it

146
00:06:44,060 --> 00:06:45,700
 and thinking to myself like,

147
00:06:45,700 --> 00:06:48,740
 and what's so weird about that is because I'm half Japanese

148
00:06:48,740 --> 00:06:50,100
 and I have that allergy

149
00:06:50,100 --> 00:06:52,420
 and the doctor's opinion talks about it,

150
00:06:52,420 --> 00:06:54,300
 we have this physical allergy,

151
00:06:54,300 --> 00:06:56,340
 but this mental obsession, right?

152
00:06:56,340 --> 00:07:00,100
 And it never even dawned on me.

153
00:07:00,100 --> 00:07:02,220
 Just don't drink, just don't use.

154
00:07:02,220 --> 00:07:04,020
 As a matter of fact, when I got here,

155
00:07:04,020 --> 00:07:08,700
 my life in shambles, feeling like I wanted to die,

156
00:07:08,700 --> 00:07:10,100
 thinking of suicide.

157
00:07:10,100 --> 00:07:12,700
 Yeah, now I get homicidal, not suicide.

158
00:07:12,700 --> 00:07:14,180
 I consider that progress.

159
00:07:14,180 --> 00:07:20,700
 But when I got here, yeah, wanting to die,

160
00:07:20,700 --> 00:07:22,900
 now I can't remember my train of thought,

161
00:07:22,900 --> 00:07:25,820
 but being like, oh, let me get sober.

162
00:07:25,820 --> 00:07:28,700
 I was thinking, let me feel better, let me feel better.

163
00:07:28,700 --> 00:07:32,340
 As a matter of fact, you told me just stop everything.

164
00:07:32,340 --> 00:07:34,460
 And even then my life in shambles,

165
00:07:34,460 --> 00:07:35,900
 I think that's what I was gonna say.

166
00:07:35,900 --> 00:07:39,140
 I thought like, this is the craziest idea ever.

167
00:07:39,140 --> 00:07:41,060
 Like what, stop everything.

168
00:07:41,060 --> 00:07:42,940
 It had never even dawned on me.

169
00:07:42,940 --> 00:07:45,420
 I thought at that time when I got here in 1990

170
00:07:45,420 --> 00:07:47,740
 that I probably had a cocaine problem,

171
00:07:47,740 --> 00:07:49,300
 a severe cocaine problem,

172
00:07:49,300 --> 00:07:51,980
 but I probably didn't have a marijuana problem

173
00:07:51,980 --> 00:07:54,740
 or a drinking problem.

174
00:07:54,740 --> 00:07:57,740
 And what they told me was, you know what, Sandy?

175
00:07:57,740 --> 00:07:59,140
 You start drinking,

176
00:07:59,140 --> 00:08:02,140
 then you're gonna go back to hard drugs, okay?

177
00:08:02,140 --> 00:08:06,340
 Or worse, you're just gonna continue on for years, right?

178
00:08:06,340 --> 00:08:09,020
 And then that's gonna get bad, right?

179
00:08:09,020 --> 00:08:15,220
 Or, and I just wasn't thinking like, oh, give up everything.

180
00:08:15,220 --> 00:08:19,140
 It just never even dawned on me that this was the problem.

181
00:08:19,140 --> 00:08:21,540
 I thought it was the situation that was the problem.

182
00:08:21,540 --> 00:08:24,300
 Oh, I was in this unfortunate situation, okay?

183
00:08:24,300 --> 00:08:27,740
 So here I am, a teenager, I'm trying to go to school,

184
00:08:27,740 --> 00:08:29,020
 I'm trying to go to college.

185
00:08:29,020 --> 00:08:33,060
 And now my partying is getting

186
00:08:33,060 --> 00:08:35,900
 more from my hobby to my vocation.

187
00:08:35,900 --> 00:08:41,900
 I am, it's kind of teetering on my mood.

188
00:08:41,900 --> 00:08:44,820
 It's like, how was your weekend?

189
00:08:44,820 --> 00:08:45,660
 Well, it depends.

190
00:08:45,660 --> 00:08:46,740
 Do I remember it?

191
00:08:46,740 --> 00:08:48,260
 What kind of drugs did I have?

192
00:08:48,260 --> 00:08:50,180
 What kind of alcohol did I have?

193
00:08:50,180 --> 00:08:53,940
 What kind of parties did I go to, right?

194
00:08:53,940 --> 00:08:57,660
 More based on that than, just like a little lost,

195
00:08:57,660 --> 00:08:58,740
 just a little lost.

196
00:08:58,740 --> 00:09:00,980
 But still thinking to myself in my head,

197
00:09:00,980 --> 00:09:02,660
 I'm just a party animal.

198
00:09:02,660 --> 00:09:05,260
 I just like to play hard and work hard and play hard.

199
00:09:05,260 --> 00:09:07,620
 But I wasn't working so hard anymore, right?

200
00:09:07,620 --> 00:09:09,860
 Now I'm not working so hard anymore, okay?

201
00:09:09,860 --> 00:09:13,340
 So anyways, I'm kind of cute and I know this

202
00:09:13,340 --> 00:09:18,220
 and I try cocaine, okay?

203
00:09:18,220 --> 00:09:19,820
 And at the first time I tried it,

204
00:09:19,820 --> 00:09:22,380
 I think I was 13 or 14 years old.

205
00:09:22,380 --> 00:09:23,980
 13 when I tried cocaine,

206
00:09:23,980 --> 00:09:27,540
 14 when I tried smoking cocaine, okay?

207
00:09:27,540 --> 00:09:29,580
 And at the time I had a boyfriend

208
00:09:29,580 --> 00:09:33,500
 that had a little bit of a speedball problem, okay?

209
00:09:33,500 --> 00:09:35,420
 So he was 17, I was 13.

210
00:09:35,420 --> 00:09:37,620
 I'd go over to his house, help him tie off.

211
00:09:37,620 --> 00:09:39,540
 In the meantime, mind you,

212
00:09:39,540 --> 00:09:42,500
 I have no idea that this is never anything

213
00:09:42,500 --> 00:09:45,420
 you'd want your 13 year old daughter doing, right?

214
00:09:45,420 --> 00:09:50,420
 People are bringing jewelry and VCRs over to his house.

215
00:09:50,420 --> 00:09:52,620
 Or Betamax, it was Betamax back then.

216
00:09:52,620 --> 00:09:55,260
 I was thinking to myself, why am I doing this?

217
00:09:55,260 --> 00:09:56,940
 I don't understand this.

218
00:09:56,940 --> 00:10:00,340
 And he goes, you'll see, you'll see, you know?

219
00:10:00,340 --> 00:10:03,020
 And I was like, I didn't really get it so much.

220
00:10:03,020 --> 00:10:06,500
 Then later when I tried smoking cocaine,

221
00:10:06,500 --> 00:10:08,900
 all of a sudden I had this rush.

222
00:10:08,900 --> 00:10:11,980
 And I thought to myself, it scared me so much.

223
00:10:11,980 --> 00:10:14,900
 I thought to myself, oh my God, I'm halfway cute.

224
00:10:14,900 --> 00:10:17,540
 Like if I keep on doing this,

225
00:10:17,540 --> 00:10:20,020
 I'll be walking down to Florida by the time I'm 15.

226
00:10:20,020 --> 00:10:22,260
 And I knew that, like I like this.

227
00:10:22,260 --> 00:10:24,540
 So then I started to think to myself, you know what?

228
00:10:24,540 --> 00:10:27,580
 I'm not gonna do this because only scumbags do this.

229
00:10:27,580 --> 00:10:30,140
 I'm not gonna do it 'cause scumbags do it, that's what.

230
00:10:30,140 --> 00:10:31,940
 So now I'm just back to, you know,

231
00:10:31,940 --> 00:10:35,020
 drinking and smoking pot and I'm trying to moderate them.

232
00:10:35,020 --> 00:10:36,660
 Keep it staying away from the cocaine

233
00:10:36,660 --> 00:10:38,420
 or at least smoking the cocaine, you know?

234
00:10:38,420 --> 00:10:42,260
 Fast forward, now I'm 18 and I meet this stockbroker.

235
00:10:42,260 --> 00:10:44,820
 And this stockbroker's got this Porsche outside.

236
00:10:44,820 --> 00:10:48,340
 But he's got a little bit of a freebase in the issue, okay?

237
00:10:48,340 --> 00:10:49,820
 Now I think to myself,

238
00:10:49,820 --> 00:10:51,660
 well, if you can't beat him, join him.

239
00:10:51,660 --> 00:10:55,580
 Well, you know what, he's not a scumbag.

240
00:10:55,580 --> 00:10:57,620
 Look at the Porsche, right?

241
00:10:57,620 --> 00:11:02,460
 Justifying and rationalizing all this stuff in my mind, okay?

242
00:11:02,460 --> 00:11:04,780
 So now all of a sudden, you know,

243
00:11:04,780 --> 00:11:07,580
 we're like on runs together, okay?

244
00:11:07,580 --> 00:11:10,300
 And just to kind of make a long story short,

245
00:11:10,300 --> 00:11:14,500
 in January of 1990, January 15th, 1990,

246
00:11:14,500 --> 00:11:17,100
 we woke up, we started freebasing like we were doing,

247
00:11:17,100 --> 00:11:19,620
 you know, and by 10 30 in the morning,

248
00:11:19,620 --> 00:11:23,100
 he had taken his 357 Magnum and he had blown his brains out.

249
00:11:23,100 --> 00:11:27,380
 And I called the paramedics, they came.

250
00:11:27,380 --> 00:11:28,540
 They thought I killed him.

251
00:11:28,540 --> 00:11:30,140
 They saw all the drugs in the house.

252
00:11:30,140 --> 00:11:32,820
 They thought I killed him because most people,

253
00:11:32,820 --> 00:11:36,100
 nine out of 10 people will kill the girlfriend first

254
00:11:36,100 --> 00:11:37,460
 and then kill themselves.

255
00:11:37,460 --> 00:11:39,500
 But let me tell you, I didn't feel lucky.

256
00:11:39,500 --> 00:11:40,780
 Like, oh, I survived.

257
00:11:40,780 --> 00:11:43,020
 No, I didn't feel lucky.

258
00:11:43,020 --> 00:11:46,540
 All of a sudden I was like in this huge world of hurt,

259
00:11:46,540 --> 00:11:50,820
 you know, I could always point at someone else to say,

260
00:11:50,820 --> 00:11:53,140
 you know, like a lower companion to say,

261
00:11:53,140 --> 00:11:55,820
 actually they really have the problem, not me.

262
00:11:55,820 --> 00:11:57,700
 They really have the problem, okay?

263
00:11:57,700 --> 00:12:00,460
 Now all of a sudden I'm 20 years old, by the way,

264
00:12:00,460 --> 00:12:03,420
 my boyfriend at the time was 28, okay?

265
00:12:03,420 --> 00:12:06,260
 And at the time we were living at,

266
00:12:06,260 --> 00:12:08,900
 we were living in a apartment off of there,

267
00:12:08,900 --> 00:12:10,860
 off of like Parthenia and Reseda.

268
00:12:10,860 --> 00:12:14,100
 And the night that he killed himself, so the cops come,

269
00:12:14,100 --> 00:12:16,820
 they see all the drugs in the house, they arrest me, right?

270
00:12:16,820 --> 00:12:18,140
 They take me to jail.

271
00:12:18,140 --> 00:12:21,300
 They see, they take some GSR prints off my hands,

272
00:12:21,300 --> 00:12:22,780
 gunshot for gunshot residue.

273
00:12:22,780 --> 00:12:26,260
 They asked me if I'll take a lie detective test, right?

274
00:12:26,260 --> 00:12:29,620
 And someone broke into our house,

275
00:12:29,620 --> 00:12:31,580
 stole the keys to his Porsche

276
00:12:31,580 --> 00:12:33,380
 and stole his car that night.

277
00:12:33,380 --> 00:12:35,780
 So then his father is asking.

278
00:12:35,780 --> 00:12:39,220
 Now his father and parents live in Northern California.

279
00:12:39,220 --> 00:12:40,420
 They have to be called.

280
00:12:40,420 --> 00:12:42,460
 They have to be told what's happening.

281
00:12:42,460 --> 00:12:45,900
 My mother's like, she knew that I liked to smoke pot,

282
00:12:45,900 --> 00:12:48,420
 but she had no idea that I was putting on

283
00:12:48,420 --> 00:12:50,660
 two pairs of shorts and two pairs of jeans

284
00:12:50,660 --> 00:12:52,780
 just to go over to her house at Christmas.

285
00:12:52,780 --> 00:12:54,020
 So people wouldn't go, what?

286
00:12:54,020 --> 00:12:58,140
 Then they threw me in a, I don't know if they call it 5150.

287
00:12:58,140 --> 00:12:59,820
 They put me on a three day hold.

288
00:12:59,820 --> 00:13:03,460
 I begged to get out so I could go to my boyfriend's funeral.

289
00:13:03,460 --> 00:13:05,500
 I did that, my mother took me to it.

290
00:13:05,500 --> 00:13:07,620
 And I came back here and they checked me

291
00:13:07,620 --> 00:13:10,180
 into Kaiser Permanente CDRP,

292
00:13:10,180 --> 00:13:12,740
 chemical dependency recovery program,

293
00:13:12,740 --> 00:13:15,500
 which at the time was on Balboa off Devonshire.

294
00:13:15,500 --> 00:13:17,340
 This was the building that fell down

295
00:13:17,340 --> 00:13:19,900
 in the Northridge earthquake, okay?

296
00:13:19,900 --> 00:13:22,940
 But so I go there and I think it was like

297
00:13:22,940 --> 00:13:24,380
 a three or four week program.

298
00:13:24,380 --> 00:13:28,380
 You go eight to five and then you go to a meeting

299
00:13:28,380 --> 00:13:29,940
 and don't even bother coming back

300
00:13:29,940 --> 00:13:32,700
 if you're not gonna go and get this course card signed.

301
00:13:32,700 --> 00:13:34,300
 Don't even bother, okay?

302
00:13:34,300 --> 00:13:35,740
 So now I'm doing that.

303
00:13:35,740 --> 00:13:38,060
 And I'm over there arguing with people saying,

304
00:13:38,060 --> 00:13:39,980
 well, of course I have a cocaine problem,

305
00:13:39,980 --> 00:13:41,700
 but I don't have an alcohol problem

306
00:13:41,700 --> 00:13:44,020
 and I don't have a marijuana problem.

307
00:13:44,020 --> 00:13:46,340
 Shit, marijuana is like cigarettes.

308
00:13:46,340 --> 00:13:47,620
 Why can't I, you know?

309
00:13:47,620 --> 00:13:51,340
 And here I am actually, the doctor at the time said,

310
00:13:51,340 --> 00:13:53,500
 I think, you know, you need to,

311
00:13:53,500 --> 00:13:56,820
 we're gonna need to send you downtown to Kaiser downtown.

312
00:13:56,820 --> 00:14:00,220
 And I said, oh no, I don't think I need that, sir.

313
00:14:00,220 --> 00:14:01,220
 I don't think I need that.

314
00:14:01,220 --> 00:14:02,740
 And he looked at me, he was like,

315
00:14:02,740 --> 00:14:05,540
 you just saw your boyfriend blow his brains out.

316
00:14:05,540 --> 00:14:06,380
 What are you talking about?

317
00:14:06,380 --> 00:14:08,180
 I don't think you know what you need.

318
00:14:08,180 --> 00:14:10,580
 And you know what, either you go willingly

319
00:14:10,580 --> 00:14:13,900
 or I'll have two orderlies come and drag you over there.

320
00:14:13,900 --> 00:14:16,500
 Okay, I'll go, okay, I'll go, you know?

321
00:14:16,500 --> 00:14:18,660
 And so here I am 20 years old.

322
00:14:18,660 --> 00:14:21,580
 I have, you know, I don't know my head for my ass.

323
00:14:21,580 --> 00:14:23,500
 You know, I'm so spun around.

324
00:14:23,500 --> 00:14:26,380
 I'm just like, you know, I'm upside down.

325
00:14:26,380 --> 00:14:29,500
 And here is where people welcomed me in.

326
00:14:29,500 --> 00:14:31,220
 Here is where I grew up.

327
00:14:31,220 --> 00:14:32,860
 Here is where people said to me,

328
00:14:32,860 --> 00:14:36,100
 don't worry, we recover here, Sandy, we recover.

329
00:14:36,100 --> 00:14:38,340
 What do we recover from, a seemingly hopeless state

330
00:14:38,340 --> 00:14:39,540
 of mind and body, right?

331
00:14:39,540 --> 00:14:42,260
 And I was seemingly hopeless, hopelessly state

332
00:14:42,260 --> 00:14:44,700
 of mind and body because I would think to myself,

333
00:14:44,700 --> 00:14:46,780
 maybe I'll just drive my car off the cliff.

334
00:14:46,780 --> 00:14:49,060
 Maybe I'll just drive my car into a pole

335
00:14:49,060 --> 00:14:50,940
 because, you know, drugs have,

336
00:14:50,940 --> 00:14:53,620
 drugs and alcohol have a way of squeezing out

337
00:14:53,620 --> 00:14:55,860
 all the dopamine, all the epinephrine,

338
00:14:55,860 --> 00:14:59,860
 all the chemicals from your brain where you feel no joy.

339
00:14:59,860 --> 00:15:01,140
 You could look at a baby,

340
00:15:01,140 --> 00:15:03,700
 you could have a warm towel after a bath.

341
00:15:03,700 --> 00:15:06,580
 You could have like, you know, a massage that means nothing

342
00:15:06,580 --> 00:15:09,620
 to you whatsoever because you're so focused

343
00:15:09,620 --> 00:15:11,700
 on when am I going to get mine?

344
00:15:11,700 --> 00:15:13,420
 What, you know, what's in it for me

345
00:15:13,420 --> 00:15:15,180
 and when am I going to get mine, you know?

346
00:15:15,180 --> 00:15:18,460
 And it's here where I learned that paradigm shift

347
00:15:18,460 --> 00:15:21,740
 to start to be of service, not what do you have for me,

348
00:15:21,740 --> 00:15:23,740
 but what can I add to the party, right?

349
00:15:23,740 --> 00:15:28,580
 Not, you know, it's just like a whole different mindset.

350
00:15:28,580 --> 00:15:30,420
 How can I be of service to you?

351
00:15:30,420 --> 00:15:32,380
 What can I bring to the party?

352
00:15:32,380 --> 00:15:36,940
 What is my agenda coming here, you know?

353
00:15:36,940 --> 00:15:41,060
 God, please help me to share a message of open recovery,

354
00:15:41,060 --> 00:15:43,140
 you know, if not to one of you, you know,

355
00:15:43,140 --> 00:15:45,860
 that I preach what I need to learn the most.

356
00:15:45,860 --> 00:15:47,060
 And I got to tell you, you know,

357
00:15:47,060 --> 00:15:49,380
 I'm kind of been going through a hard time lately.

358
00:15:49,380 --> 00:15:50,980
 I'm having marital problems

359
00:15:50,980 --> 00:15:53,580
 and I've been married for 13 years.

360
00:15:53,580 --> 00:15:55,220
 I have a 10 year old daughter

361
00:15:55,220 --> 00:15:58,100
 and it's like the happiest I ever was.

362
00:15:58,100 --> 00:16:00,740
 And now all of a sudden I'm having marital problems,

363
00:16:00,740 --> 00:16:04,460
 you know, and I caught my husband with drugs.

364
00:16:04,460 --> 00:16:08,020
 And this is a big thing to me because to me it's like,

365
00:16:08,020 --> 00:16:12,340
 you know, it's a real, it's real dirt in my face, you know?

366
00:16:12,340 --> 00:16:14,860
 So, you know, the first time that it happened,

367
00:16:14,860 --> 00:16:17,940
 he said, "Oh, well, I didn't know you felt this way.

368
00:16:17,940 --> 00:16:20,140
 This, I can take it or leave it," you know?

369
00:16:20,140 --> 00:16:22,780
 And then the second time he said, you know,

370
00:16:22,780 --> 00:16:25,940
 "I'm not moving out, we're in love," you know?

371
00:16:25,940 --> 00:16:28,220
 And then the third time it was just like,

372
00:16:28,220 --> 00:16:31,420
 buddy, you know, this either you don't want to be married

373
00:16:31,420 --> 00:16:33,940
 to me or you got a problem, which one is it, you know?

374
00:16:33,940 --> 00:16:35,460
 And he's still sticking with,

375
00:16:35,460 --> 00:16:36,900
 "Oh, well, I don't have a problem."

376
00:16:36,900 --> 00:16:37,900
 Okay, bye bye then.

377
00:16:37,900 --> 00:16:39,660
 Because I can't have this around me

378
00:16:39,660 --> 00:16:41,860
 and I can't have it around my 10 year old daughter.

379
00:16:41,860 --> 00:16:45,700
 I want to say a few things about recovery and relapse.

380
00:16:45,700 --> 00:16:47,380
 At any given point in time,

381
00:16:47,380 --> 00:16:49,780
 I kind of feel like I'm on this road

382
00:16:49,780 --> 00:16:53,380
 to either recovery or relapse.

383
00:16:53,380 --> 00:16:55,460
 So I could be stone cold sober,

384
00:16:55,460 --> 00:16:57,700
 but be on the path to relapse.

385
00:16:57,700 --> 00:16:59,500
 I could be stone cold sober,

386
00:16:59,500 --> 00:17:02,020
 but my thinking starts to be,

387
00:17:02,020 --> 00:17:05,020
 'cause my thinking's a little bit skewed, right?

388
00:17:05,020 --> 00:17:07,940
 So my thinking, instead of thinking to myself,

389
00:17:07,940 --> 00:17:11,140
 "Oh, you know, I want to do a good job for Scott.

390
00:17:11,140 --> 00:17:13,180
 Help me God to like, you know,

391
00:17:13,180 --> 00:17:15,140
 transmit a message of recovery."

392
00:17:15,140 --> 00:17:18,180
 Let me tell you, we do recover here because, you know,

393
00:17:18,180 --> 00:17:21,100
 I've not only grown up in this program,

394
00:17:21,100 --> 00:17:23,820
 but I'm very proud of the woman that I am today.

395
00:17:23,820 --> 00:17:26,500
 Like I have no doubt that I'm a good friend,

396
00:17:26,500 --> 00:17:29,020
 that I'm a good daughter, that I'm an amazing mother,

397
00:17:29,020 --> 00:17:30,740
 you know, that I'm a good wife.

398
00:17:30,740 --> 00:17:32,460
 I have no doubt about any of that.

399
00:17:32,460 --> 00:17:35,060
 Not like thinking to telling you,

400
00:17:35,060 --> 00:17:36,420
 "Oh, I'm really a good wife."

401
00:17:36,420 --> 00:17:37,980
 When in the back of my head, I'm going like,

402
00:17:37,980 --> 00:17:40,420
 "But shh, don't tell him about that, you know,

403
00:17:40,420 --> 00:17:42,100
 don't tell him about three weeks ago."

404
00:17:42,100 --> 00:17:44,220
 You know, no, my life's an open book.

405
00:17:44,220 --> 00:17:45,940
 It's much easier if I don't lie,

406
00:17:45,940 --> 00:17:47,820
 I don't have to keep stuff straight, right?

407
00:17:47,820 --> 00:17:51,540
 And another thing is, is that I've learned here

408
00:17:51,540 --> 00:17:53,820
 to save my butt and not my face.

409
00:17:53,820 --> 00:17:54,660
 Why?

410
00:17:54,660 --> 00:17:56,220
 You guys aren't paying my car note.

411
00:17:56,220 --> 00:17:58,140
 You guys aren't paying my mortgage.

412
00:17:58,140 --> 00:17:59,340
 I'm the one doing that.

413
00:17:59,340 --> 00:18:02,100
 So if I come here and throw up all over you

414
00:18:02,100 --> 00:18:04,500
 and tell you like, you know, that I'm having a hard time,

415
00:18:04,500 --> 00:18:06,300
 that I feel like drinking and using,

416
00:18:06,300 --> 00:18:11,060
 that I have 30, 31, almost 32 years of sobriety,

417
00:18:11,060 --> 00:18:14,500
 but my head still says, "You know, Sandy,

418
00:18:14,500 --> 00:18:16,980
 maybe you should just start partying with your husband

419
00:18:16,980 --> 00:18:17,820
 and you'll have..."

420
00:18:17,820 --> 00:18:19,140
 I tell you, my head did say that, okay?

421
00:18:19,140 --> 00:18:20,540
 Maybe you'll have a better marriage.

422
00:18:20,540 --> 00:18:21,580
 And then I thought to myself,

423
00:18:21,580 --> 00:18:23,620
 "Whoa, where the hell did that come from?

424
00:18:23,620 --> 00:18:25,660
 That, what, for 15 minutes,

425
00:18:25,660 --> 00:18:27,380
 I'm going to have a better marriage, right?"

426
00:18:27,380 --> 00:18:29,940
 Now my daughter will have not one absent parent,

427
00:18:29,940 --> 00:18:31,100
 but two absent parents.

428
00:18:31,100 --> 00:18:32,820
 That sounds like the thought

429
00:18:32,820 --> 00:18:35,540
 that precedes the first drink, doesn't it?

430
00:18:35,540 --> 00:18:36,900
 That's what I learned here.

431
00:18:36,900 --> 00:18:39,620
 I learned here to save my butt and not my face,

432
00:18:39,620 --> 00:18:42,540
 to come and be revealing to you.

433
00:18:42,540 --> 00:18:44,380
 Even though I'm a look good artist,

434
00:18:44,380 --> 00:18:46,180
 I really want you to think the best of me.

435
00:18:46,180 --> 00:18:49,020
 I really want you to think that I have my stuff together.

436
00:18:49,020 --> 00:18:50,740
 You know, I want to appear on the outside

437
00:18:50,740 --> 00:18:52,340
 and really have my stuff together.

438
00:18:52,340 --> 00:18:54,780
 Even though on the inside, I might be like, you know,

439
00:18:54,780 --> 00:18:58,100
 I might've been crying my eyes out in the fetal position,

440
00:18:58,100 --> 00:18:59,260
 you know, two hours ago.

441
00:18:59,260 --> 00:19:01,140
 But I want you to think I have it together.

442
00:19:01,140 --> 00:19:05,020
 And so lately I'm talking myself up a hell of a lot.

443
00:19:05,020 --> 00:19:06,860
 Why? Because I learned that here.

444
00:19:06,860 --> 00:19:09,300
 Instead of, you know, self-flagellation,

445
00:19:09,300 --> 00:19:11,660
 instead of beating myself up,

446
00:19:11,660 --> 00:19:14,180
 I'm going to talk myself up and tell myself,

447
00:19:14,180 --> 00:19:15,820
 and I just like to tell my sponsees,

448
00:19:15,820 --> 00:19:17,180
 "If you're going through hell,

449
00:19:17,180 --> 00:19:20,460
 well, shit, don't pitch a tent, right?"

450
00:19:20,460 --> 00:19:21,740
 Don't pitch a tent, you know?

451
00:19:21,740 --> 00:19:23,420
 Jessica, you're having a hard time?

452
00:19:23,420 --> 00:19:26,300
 Lean into God and move your feet.

453
00:19:26,300 --> 00:19:28,660
 Lean into God and move your feet.

454
00:19:28,660 --> 00:19:30,380
 Thank you, God, for my recovery today.

455
00:19:30,380 --> 00:19:32,060
 Please help me stay sober tomorrow.

456
00:19:32,060 --> 00:19:33,700
 Kind of back to basics.

457
00:19:33,700 --> 00:19:34,980
 How can I be of service to you?

458
00:19:34,980 --> 00:19:36,620
 What would you like me to bring to the party?

459
00:19:36,620 --> 00:19:39,820
 It's the weirdest thing because here's where I learned,

460
00:19:39,820 --> 00:19:44,500
 like, my favorite subject is like me, myself, and I, right?

461
00:19:44,500 --> 00:19:48,060
 But the more I think about you and how can I help

462
00:19:48,060 --> 00:19:50,940
 and what can I bring and what can I do for you,

463
00:19:50,940 --> 00:19:53,220
 then all of a sudden, the happier I am.

464
00:19:53,220 --> 00:19:56,500
 The more I think to myself, it's about me, myself, and I.

465
00:19:56,500 --> 00:19:57,620
 When am I going to get mine?

466
00:19:57,620 --> 00:19:59,100
 When am I going to be a millionaire?

467
00:19:59,100 --> 00:20:00,580
 When am I going to get that raise?

468
00:20:00,580 --> 00:20:02,140
 When am I going to get that recognition?

469
00:20:02,140 --> 00:20:02,980
 You know what?

470
00:20:02,980 --> 00:20:04,500
 Then the less happy I am.

471
00:20:04,500 --> 00:20:06,380
 Actually, the more frustrated that I am,

472
00:20:06,380 --> 00:20:09,580
 the more upset I am, the more controlling I become.

473
00:20:09,580 --> 00:20:11,660
 So, you know, it's so weird.

474
00:20:11,660 --> 00:20:15,860
 It's like to have that kind of mind, that shift of,

475
00:20:15,860 --> 00:20:17,900
 that's just a totally different person,

476
00:20:17,900 --> 00:20:20,700
 totally different person, because when I came here,

477
00:20:20,700 --> 00:20:24,020
 I was this young woman who thought to herself,

478
00:20:24,020 --> 00:20:25,580
 I didn't ask to be born.

479
00:20:25,580 --> 00:20:26,580
 You got all the money.

480
00:20:26,580 --> 00:20:27,940
 Why don't you buy me a car?

481
00:20:27,940 --> 00:20:28,980
 You got all the money.

482
00:20:28,980 --> 00:20:31,860
 Why don't you buy me this and that and that and this?

483
00:20:31,860 --> 00:20:34,580
 You know, I come from this wonderful family,

484
00:20:34,580 --> 00:20:36,100
 but I thought, you know what?

485
00:20:36,100 --> 00:20:38,340
 They could be more wonderful, quite frankly.

486
00:20:38,340 --> 00:20:41,700
 You know, I was just like really ungrateful, ungrateful.

487
00:20:41,700 --> 00:20:44,500
 And quite frankly, it's here that I learned

488
00:20:44,500 --> 00:20:47,300
 that gratitude is the elixir of more, right?

489
00:20:47,300 --> 00:20:50,020
 You'll want more, be grateful for what you have.

490
00:20:50,020 --> 00:20:51,820
 You think God's gonna give, you know,

491
00:20:51,820 --> 00:20:54,860
 someone was telling me about this like little parable,

492
00:20:54,860 --> 00:20:56,620
 like, you know, that you take this kid

493
00:20:56,620 --> 00:20:58,420
 to the ice cream shop and, you know,

494
00:20:58,420 --> 00:21:02,660
 they get two scoops of ice cream and they go out the door

495
00:21:02,660 --> 00:21:05,540
 and the ice cream spills on the ground.

496
00:21:05,540 --> 00:21:08,180
 Well, you go back inside, okay, and the kid says,

497
00:21:08,180 --> 00:21:09,580
 "Well, I want three scoops."

498
00:21:09,580 --> 00:21:10,940
 Do you get the kid three scoops?

499
00:21:10,940 --> 00:21:12,460
 You could barely handle two scoops.

500
00:21:12,460 --> 00:21:14,140
 No, you don't, right?

501
00:21:14,140 --> 00:21:17,820
 You wanna, gratitude is the elixir of more.

502
00:21:17,820 --> 00:21:20,500
 So even to the very simple stuff, you know,

503
00:21:20,500 --> 00:21:25,500
 I have to say, well, at least I was really happily,

504
00:21:25,500 --> 00:21:29,140
 contentedly married for the time I was.

505
00:21:29,140 --> 00:21:32,140
 At least I have this beautiful daughter, you know?

506
00:21:32,140 --> 00:21:35,420
 At least there is a path of recovery that, you know,

507
00:21:35,420 --> 00:21:39,300
 that is here for us if we want it, if we want it, right?

508
00:21:39,300 --> 00:21:41,220
 You kinda gotta want it.

509
00:21:41,220 --> 00:21:44,740
 I wanna talk a little bit about the scale of consequences.

510
00:21:44,740 --> 00:21:47,860
 So I kind of envisioned this like a scale, right?

511
00:21:47,860 --> 00:21:51,820
 And over here is this scale.

512
00:21:51,820 --> 00:21:55,780
 So I used to look at it like, ooh, I like getting loaded.

513
00:21:55,780 --> 00:21:57,220
 I like drinking.

514
00:21:57,220 --> 00:21:58,660
 I like partying.

515
00:21:58,660 --> 00:22:00,540
 And then the consequences were like,

516
00:22:00,540 --> 00:22:03,460
 I'll deal with that tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow, right?

517
00:22:03,460 --> 00:22:06,780
 But the high, the buzz, you know,

518
00:22:06,780 --> 00:22:10,060
 that feeling was heavily weighted on the scale.

519
00:22:10,060 --> 00:22:12,980
 Now it's the opposite way where I go,

520
00:22:12,980 --> 00:22:14,940
 I know what this is all about.

521
00:22:14,940 --> 00:22:17,940
 I know what it's all about, you know, scoring, using,

522
00:22:17,940 --> 00:22:22,940
 waiting, waiting, waiting, you know, all this stuff.

523
00:22:22,940 --> 00:22:26,260
 But the consequences are more heavily weighted

524
00:22:26,260 --> 00:22:27,540
 the other direction.

525
00:22:27,540 --> 00:22:28,380
 Thank you very much.

526
00:22:28,380 --> 00:22:29,220
 I don't want that.

527
00:22:29,220 --> 00:22:31,740
 When I got sober and I was using like now,

528
00:22:31,740 --> 00:22:33,340
 I appreciate how young I was.

529
00:22:33,340 --> 00:22:35,380
 I was only 20, but you know what?

530
00:22:35,380 --> 00:22:40,380
 I had this world of regret on how much time I spent wasted.

531
00:22:41,980 --> 00:22:45,180
 I felt like, oh my God, I am such a loser.

532
00:22:45,180 --> 00:22:47,500
 I've been going to college for six years

533
00:22:47,500 --> 00:22:49,300
 and I still don't have a frigging degree.

534
00:22:49,300 --> 00:22:50,140
 Why?

535
00:22:50,140 --> 00:22:51,740
 Because I was always loaded, you know?

536
00:22:51,740 --> 00:22:52,860
 Well, I got sober when I swim,

537
00:22:52,860 --> 00:22:55,100
 but for the first two years I didn't do anything, right?

538
00:22:55,100 --> 00:22:58,460
 I mean, I went and I remember going to the college counselor

539
00:22:58,460 --> 00:23:02,780
 and they said, well, you need like 127 units

540
00:23:02,780 --> 00:23:05,700
 to kind of graduate and you actually have 140,

541
00:23:05,700 --> 00:23:07,760
 but it's only, it's some in this subject,

542
00:23:07,760 --> 00:23:10,100
 some in this subject, some in this subject,

543
00:23:10,100 --> 00:23:12,700
 you're not like all concentrated in one subject.

544
00:23:12,700 --> 00:23:14,460
 Like, why didn't you come to us sooner?

545
00:23:14,460 --> 00:23:17,380
 Why didn't you come to the college counselor sooner?

546
00:23:17,380 --> 00:23:18,260
 I was like, what?

547
00:23:18,260 --> 00:23:20,380
 I was supposed to do that, right?

548
00:23:20,380 --> 00:23:21,420
 So I talked about a little bit

549
00:23:21,420 --> 00:23:23,960
 about the scale of consequences.

550
00:23:23,960 --> 00:23:26,460
 I talked about recovery,

551
00:23:26,460 --> 00:23:29,880
 being on the path to recovery versus relapse.

552
00:23:29,880 --> 00:23:33,060
 I want to just touch on suicide a little bit

553
00:23:33,060 --> 00:23:38,060
 because I have this direct experience with suicide

554
00:23:39,040 --> 00:23:41,980
 and I want to tell you that I'd be lying

555
00:23:41,980 --> 00:23:44,320
 if I ever said that I didn't feel suicidal.

556
00:23:44,320 --> 00:23:46,820
 I would be lying, so I'm not going to say that.

557
00:23:46,820 --> 00:23:51,300
 What I am going to say is that from my direct experience,

558
00:23:51,300 --> 00:23:55,900
 I feel like that suicide is a very selfish

559
00:23:55,900 --> 00:23:58,660
 and vindictive and cowardly thing to do.

560
00:23:58,660 --> 00:24:01,500
 And it hurts those people that love you the most.

561
00:24:01,500 --> 00:24:04,780
 Let me tell you about some of the things I've been through

562
00:24:04,780 --> 00:24:06,420
 in recovery, five minutes.

563
00:24:06,420 --> 00:24:08,280
 Okay, let me tell you about some of the things

564
00:24:08,280 --> 00:24:09,460
 I've been through in recovery.

565
00:24:09,460 --> 00:24:12,980
 So I wanted to buy a house, I bought a house.

566
00:24:12,980 --> 00:24:14,900
 I want to finish college, I finished college.

567
00:24:14,900 --> 00:24:17,020
 I want to fall in love, I fell in love, you know?

568
00:24:17,020 --> 00:24:19,480
 But also I've been fired in recovery.

569
00:24:19,480 --> 00:24:21,600
 I've begun bankrupt in recovery.

570
00:24:21,600 --> 00:24:24,420
 Now I'm going through this whole issue with my husband

571
00:24:24,420 --> 00:24:26,980
 where he went off his psych meds

572
00:24:26,980 --> 00:24:28,820
 and I feel like a little bit embarrassed.

573
00:24:28,820 --> 00:24:30,480
 Like, oh my God, I've got a husband

574
00:24:30,480 --> 00:24:32,040
 that not only has a drug problem,

575
00:24:32,040 --> 00:24:35,700
 but maybe a psych issue also, right?

576
00:24:35,700 --> 00:24:39,740
 And truth be known, alcoholism is a psych issue, right?

577
00:24:39,740 --> 00:24:41,860
 So I got that same issue, right?

578
00:24:41,860 --> 00:24:43,060
 I'm just treating it

579
00:24:43,060 --> 00:24:45,180
 with the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous.

580
00:24:45,180 --> 00:24:48,460
 I never, I didn't get married till I was 38 years old.

581
00:24:48,460 --> 00:24:51,780
 I didn't have a baby till I was 42 years old, you know?

582
00:24:51,780 --> 00:24:54,460
 So really like a lot of my dreams have come true

583
00:24:54,460 --> 00:24:56,020
 in Alcoholics Anonymous.

584
00:24:56,020 --> 00:24:58,320
 Like my life has gotten better and better and better.

585
00:24:58,320 --> 00:24:59,860
 Like I don't think to myself,

586
00:24:59,860 --> 00:25:02,860
 oh, the best years of my life are behind me.

587
00:25:02,860 --> 00:25:06,160
 No, I think that like it renews my heart and my spirit

588
00:25:06,160 --> 00:25:09,220
 and my soul to think what else is next, you know?

589
00:25:09,220 --> 00:25:11,580
 What's coming up next, you know?

590
00:25:11,580 --> 00:25:14,140
 That really it's like the world is my oyster.

591
00:25:14,140 --> 00:25:16,300
 I can have anything I'm willing to work for, you know?

592
00:25:16,300 --> 00:25:18,560
 That car, that was on my dream board

593
00:25:18,560 --> 00:25:21,400
 for like four years before I got it, you know?

594
00:25:21,400 --> 00:25:23,940
 But then I got it and then I kind of smashed it

595
00:25:23,940 --> 00:25:25,540
 into my other car by accident.

596
00:25:25,540 --> 00:25:28,780
 Yeah, that was embarrassing.

597
00:25:28,780 --> 00:25:30,740
 That I follow and I trust.

598
00:25:30,740 --> 00:25:34,260
 I'm a realtor, so like, I'm gonna say like six years ago,

599
00:25:34,260 --> 00:25:36,700
 when six years ago, about five or six years ago,

600
00:25:36,700 --> 00:25:38,100
 I was doing an open house.

601
00:25:38,100 --> 00:25:40,920
 And in the meantime, my father had been in and out

602
00:25:40,920 --> 00:25:43,100
 and in and out and in and out of the hospital.

603
00:25:43,100 --> 00:25:45,180
 And my brother and I had gone up north

604
00:25:45,180 --> 00:25:47,820
 to Northern California to visit him several times.

605
00:25:47,820 --> 00:25:49,420
 And I'm here doing the open house

606
00:25:49,420 --> 00:25:52,020
 and I'm thinking to myself after three people came in

607
00:25:52,020 --> 00:25:54,020
 in like three hours, I'm thinking to myself,

608
00:25:54,020 --> 00:25:56,100
 what the hell am I doing, you know?

609
00:25:56,100 --> 00:25:59,980
 And I got in my car and I drove up to the hospital

610
00:25:59,980 --> 00:26:04,060
 and I got there about midnight and his wife was there.

611
00:26:04,060 --> 00:26:06,620
 And I sat down and I held my father's hand

612
00:26:06,620 --> 00:26:08,260
 and you could hear the respirator

613
00:26:08,260 --> 00:26:09,700
 and the, you know, kind of thing.

614
00:26:09,700 --> 00:26:13,100
 And I read prayers to my dad and then I fell asleep

615
00:26:13,100 --> 00:26:14,960
 and I woke up at six in the morning

616
00:26:14,960 --> 00:26:16,740
 and I didn't hear that sound anymore.

617
00:26:16,740 --> 00:26:19,140
 And I was sitting there holding my dad's hand, you know?

618
00:26:19,140 --> 00:26:21,060
 And it was just like little things,

619
00:26:21,060 --> 00:26:25,100
 like when I think to myself, go now, go now, you know?

620
00:26:25,100 --> 00:26:29,140
 Don't wait, tell that person, tell that person how you feel.

621
00:26:29,140 --> 00:26:32,660
 You know, right now, since I'm having this challenging time,

622
00:26:32,660 --> 00:26:35,260
 I swear it's just a blessing when, you know,

623
00:26:35,260 --> 00:26:37,380
 a friend says, oh, come watch your daughter.

624
00:26:37,380 --> 00:26:38,580
 Come on, drop her off.

625
00:26:38,580 --> 00:26:40,800
 No big deal, no big deal, come on, drop her off.

626
00:26:40,800 --> 00:26:42,960
 I mean, it's like, that's such a big appreciation

627
00:26:42,960 --> 00:26:46,160
 because I had to hire someone just so I could work, you know?

628
00:26:46,160 --> 00:26:49,620
 Anyways, I wanna just say that I think, you know,

629
00:26:49,620 --> 00:26:52,500
 with recovery, it's like I'm fully present.

630
00:26:52,500 --> 00:26:55,700
 I'm fully present for the good feelings and the bad.

631
00:26:55,700 --> 00:26:58,220
 And you know, I think sometimes, you know, for me,

632
00:26:58,220 --> 00:27:00,060
 like the feelings are a little overrated

633
00:27:00,060 --> 00:27:01,420
 because I want the good feelings

634
00:27:01,420 --> 00:27:03,340
 and I don't want the bad feelings, right?

635
00:27:03,340 --> 00:27:05,980
 But I'm just gonna lean into God

636
00:27:05,980 --> 00:27:07,680
 and I'm gonna keep moving my feet.

637
00:27:07,680 --> 00:27:09,400
 In the meantime, I'm not gonna drink

638
00:27:09,400 --> 00:27:11,980
 and I'm not gonna use no matter what today.

639
00:27:11,980 --> 00:27:14,140
 And thank you guys for being here on this path with me.

640
00:27:14,140 --> 00:27:17,220
 (indistinct chatter)

641
00:27:28,220 --> 00:27:31,300
 (indistinct chatter)