1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:01,680 - I'm Larry, I'm an alcoholic. 2 00:00:01,680 --> 00:00:02,760 - Hi Larry. 3 00:00:02,760 --> 00:00:06,080 - You guys are very welcoming and it's much appreciated 4 00:00:06,080 --> 00:00:08,040 and I love your share and there's so, 5 00:00:08,040 --> 00:00:09,960 I feel I'm over here laughing 6 00:00:09,960 --> 00:00:13,080 because I did a lot of the things that you did. 7 00:00:13,080 --> 00:00:16,140 I can't prove it, but I'm pretty sure 8 00:00:16,140 --> 00:00:19,240 that I'm genetically predisposed 9 00:00:19,240 --> 00:00:21,240 to the disease of alcoholism. 10 00:00:21,240 --> 00:00:25,040 Mom died of alcoholism, her sister died of alcoholism, 11 00:00:25,040 --> 00:00:27,600 mom's parents died of alcoholism 12 00:00:27,600 --> 00:00:30,160 and great grandpa Terry blew his head off 13 00:00:30,160 --> 00:00:33,800 supposedly 'cause he could no longer read his Bible. 14 00:00:33,800 --> 00:00:36,800 I'm a little suspect of that one. 15 00:00:36,800 --> 00:00:41,800 I think he had too many martinis and no way out. 16 00:00:41,800 --> 00:00:45,640 I had my first drink at five years old. 17 00:00:45,640 --> 00:00:48,840 My dad was not an alcoholic 18 00:00:48,840 --> 00:00:51,360 and he just liked a beer occasionally. 19 00:00:51,360 --> 00:00:53,920 So he would ask me to bring it to him. 20 00:00:53,920 --> 00:00:55,980 And by the time I bought the beer, 21 00:00:55,980 --> 00:00:58,340 there was about this much left. 22 00:00:58,340 --> 00:01:01,560 I was having anxiety attacks at five years old 23 00:01:01,560 --> 00:01:04,400 and the alcohol helped a lot. 24 00:01:04,400 --> 00:01:07,680 The first time I ran into real problem with alcohol, 25 00:01:07,680 --> 00:01:09,000 I was 10 years old. 26 00:01:09,000 --> 00:01:13,400 I used to go over to my friend's house every Monday. 27 00:01:13,400 --> 00:01:17,240 His mom would take his little sister to dance lessons 28 00:01:17,240 --> 00:01:19,400 and we would drink everything in the house. 29 00:01:19,400 --> 00:01:23,120 And one Monday we decided, you know what would be cool? 30 00:01:23,120 --> 00:01:26,480 Let's take our BB guns down to the grade school. 31 00:01:26,480 --> 00:01:27,600 The kids were gone. 32 00:01:27,600 --> 00:01:32,520 We didn't shoot the kids, but we blew out in 1953. 33 00:01:32,520 --> 00:01:35,360 We blew up $2,000 worth of windows. 34 00:01:35,360 --> 00:01:37,800 That was a lot of money then. 35 00:01:37,800 --> 00:01:41,080 It may not be today, but it was then. 36 00:01:41,080 --> 00:01:45,560 My alcoholism wasn't a straight line progression. 37 00:01:45,560 --> 00:01:49,400 I was thrown out of three high schools. 38 00:01:49,400 --> 00:01:51,400 I'll tell you about one of them. 39 00:01:51,400 --> 00:01:53,360 I'll tell you about two of them. 40 00:01:53,360 --> 00:01:56,240 One of them was a, well, they didn't want me 41 00:01:56,240 --> 00:01:58,240 at the third one anymore either. 42 00:01:58,240 --> 00:01:59,920 That was Canoga High. 43 00:01:59,920 --> 00:02:04,760 And one day I was teaching class and the instructor came in 44 00:02:04,760 --> 00:02:07,920 and I told her to sit down and be quiet. 45 00:02:07,920 --> 00:02:12,180 Now she didn't respond too well to any of this. 46 00:02:12,180 --> 00:02:16,840 And I had some choice words for her at 15 years old. 47 00:02:16,840 --> 00:02:19,560 It was off to the principal's office. 48 00:02:19,560 --> 00:02:22,120 Today they call it special education, 49 00:02:22,120 --> 00:02:25,140 but what they put me in was social adjustment. 50 00:02:25,140 --> 00:02:28,800 That was the precursor to special education. 51 00:02:28,800 --> 00:02:32,400 I went to a college preparatory school. 52 00:02:32,400 --> 00:02:35,920 It was, I'll think of the name, but I can't write it down. 53 00:02:35,920 --> 00:02:39,300 And I'd only been there for six weeks. 54 00:02:39,300 --> 00:02:43,260 And I told the school director 55 00:02:43,260 --> 00:02:45,880 that I thought he was late and homosexual. 56 00:02:45,880 --> 00:02:50,880 And he threw me out of his office and go figure. 57 00:02:50,880 --> 00:02:54,480 I guess I was practicing to be a shrink even then, 58 00:02:54,480 --> 00:02:58,960 for God's sake, at Taft, which was my last school. 59 00:02:58,960 --> 00:03:01,200 'Cause I tried to go back to Canoga 60 00:03:01,200 --> 00:03:04,960 and I can tell you that they did not look happy about that. 61 00:03:04,960 --> 00:03:08,000 They said, no, no, you're in Taft district. 62 00:03:08,000 --> 00:03:08,840 Why don't you? 63 00:03:08,840 --> 00:03:13,840 So I went there and actually I had another semester to go. 64 00:03:14,040 --> 00:03:17,760 We were coming up on June and I was kissing my girlfriend 65 00:03:17,760 --> 00:03:21,600 in the hallway and I got one of these on the shoulder 66 00:03:21,600 --> 00:03:23,800 and it was a female teacher. 67 00:03:23,800 --> 00:03:27,560 I said, sweetheart, don't be impatient. 68 00:03:27,560 --> 00:03:28,920 You are next. 69 00:03:28,920 --> 00:03:32,040 And at the end of the semester, they said, 70 00:03:32,040 --> 00:03:35,920 you know, we don't really want you back in September. 71 00:03:35,920 --> 00:03:38,680 They said, why don't you go to Pierce College? 72 00:03:38,680 --> 00:03:41,300 We'll give you, take six units. 73 00:03:41,300 --> 00:03:43,420 We'll give you double credits. 74 00:03:43,420 --> 00:03:45,520 We don't want you in September. 75 00:03:45,520 --> 00:03:47,240 So it did a couple of things. 76 00:03:47,240 --> 00:03:50,560 You know, it gave me something to do 77 00:03:50,560 --> 00:03:53,680 and I got into a fraternity. 78 00:03:53,680 --> 00:03:57,160 Now I had rushed a bunch of fraternities, 79 00:03:57,160 --> 00:04:01,360 but I wasn't a socialite, so I didn't like those people. 80 00:04:01,360 --> 00:04:05,400 And Pierce is an Aggie school and I didn't wanna ride bulls 81 00:04:05,400 --> 00:04:07,100 or do anything like that. 82 00:04:07,100 --> 00:04:10,480 I went to a party with these guys, the Delta Taws, 83 00:04:10,480 --> 00:04:13,560 and they're dragging the girls upstairs 84 00:04:13,560 --> 00:04:16,040 and passing out in the ivy. 85 00:04:16,040 --> 00:04:18,660 And I said, you know, these are my people. 86 00:04:18,660 --> 00:04:22,240 This is kind of how I wanna live the rest of my life. 87 00:04:22,240 --> 00:04:25,120 Somehow I got through junior college. 88 00:04:25,120 --> 00:04:28,640 I left right in the middle of a semester 89 00:04:28,640 --> 00:04:31,980 and I went up to Big Sur. 90 00:04:31,980 --> 00:04:34,000 No, I guess it was after the semester, 91 00:04:34,000 --> 00:04:35,640 it was summer in Big Sur. 92 00:04:35,640 --> 00:04:39,760 And we lived in the middle of a clump of redwood trees 93 00:04:39,760 --> 00:04:41,640 and it was lovely up there. 94 00:04:41,640 --> 00:04:45,760 But you know, I was smoking plenty of marijuana 95 00:04:45,760 --> 00:04:48,860 and drinking as much as I could. 96 00:04:48,860 --> 00:04:52,380 And after the summer I was hitchhiking down 97 00:04:52,380 --> 00:04:54,120 and what happened? 98 00:04:54,120 --> 00:04:56,740 I got a ride with some gal. 99 00:04:56,740 --> 00:05:00,760 I was gonna go down to Los Angeles Harbor 100 00:05:00,760 --> 00:05:02,960 and try to get a ship to Europe 101 00:05:02,960 --> 00:05:05,640 'cause I thought that was a good idea. 102 00:05:05,640 --> 00:05:09,800 Anyway, she said, she's vacationing here from Hawaii. 103 00:05:09,800 --> 00:05:12,240 And I said, that sounds pretty good. 104 00:05:12,240 --> 00:05:16,360 And so next thing I know I'm on the way to Hawaii 105 00:05:16,360 --> 00:05:18,960 and I stayed with her for a little while. 106 00:05:18,960 --> 00:05:21,960 And I met a guy who lived up in Manoa Valley 107 00:05:21,960 --> 00:05:24,500 and they were doing LSD. 108 00:05:24,500 --> 00:05:29,120 And so that year, about 30 or 40 trips, 109 00:05:29,120 --> 00:05:33,080 I can tell you for sure that one more trip 110 00:05:33,080 --> 00:05:35,920 and I would have been in a psychiatric facility 111 00:05:35,920 --> 00:05:37,840 for the rest of my life. 112 00:05:37,840 --> 00:05:41,580 I remember on the plane home thinking, 113 00:05:41,580 --> 00:05:45,160 I wonder if Hawaii was real or imagined 114 00:05:45,160 --> 00:05:46,960 because I was on the other side 115 00:05:46,960 --> 00:05:49,080 of the looking glass with Alan. 116 00:05:49,080 --> 00:05:52,840 And so that, you know, it wasn't working as well 117 00:05:52,840 --> 00:05:55,040 as I thought I had planned. 118 00:05:55,040 --> 00:05:59,200 I got back here and I stayed with my parents 119 00:05:59,200 --> 00:06:03,560 for two weeks until I couldn't stand it anymore. 120 00:06:03,560 --> 00:06:06,680 When I was in Hawaii, I wrote mom a letter 121 00:06:06,680 --> 00:06:11,680 and I was drunk on hash and LSD. 122 00:06:11,680 --> 00:06:15,160 And I don't remember what the whole letter said, 123 00:06:15,160 --> 00:06:20,000 but I wanted $15 a week so that I could continue 124 00:06:20,000 --> 00:06:21,440 to live in paradise. 125 00:06:21,440 --> 00:06:25,840 Well, my mom called my uncle who was senior vice president 126 00:06:25,840 --> 00:06:29,280 of North American aviation and she was screaming at him. 127 00:06:29,280 --> 00:06:32,360 And he said, Helen, just settle in. 128 00:06:32,360 --> 00:06:35,560 I'll have the FBI go over and check on him. 129 00:06:35,560 --> 00:06:39,640 Now I was selling dope to kids and LSD 130 00:06:39,640 --> 00:06:41,660 to anybody who wanted it. 131 00:06:41,660 --> 00:06:44,800 So I wasn't doing all that well over there. 132 00:06:44,800 --> 00:06:48,000 So I can't imagine what the FBI report said 133 00:06:48,000 --> 00:06:50,600 but I think he left out the bad parts. 134 00:06:50,600 --> 00:06:54,000 He said, yeah, he's alive, he's on Oahu. 135 00:06:54,000 --> 00:06:56,600 There were lots of adventures. 136 00:06:56,600 --> 00:06:59,480 I have alcoholism, what does that mean? 137 00:06:59,480 --> 00:07:03,480 It means I have a brain that seeks drugs and alcohol 138 00:07:03,480 --> 00:07:05,960 without bothering to consult me. 139 00:07:05,960 --> 00:07:08,360 Do you think this is a good idea, Larry? 140 00:07:08,360 --> 00:07:11,100 No, it just wants a drink. 141 00:07:11,100 --> 00:07:16,100 We are biochemically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, 142 00:07:16,100 --> 00:07:18,720 and neurologically different 143 00:07:18,720 --> 00:07:21,500 than people who are not alcoholics. 144 00:07:21,500 --> 00:07:24,340 I somehow got through college. 145 00:07:24,340 --> 00:07:27,600 I finished a bachelor's degree at CSUN, 146 00:07:27,600 --> 00:07:31,740 headed over to USC and finished a master's degree 147 00:07:31,740 --> 00:07:32,720 in counseling. 148 00:07:32,720 --> 00:07:34,940 I did all this drinking, right? 149 00:07:34,940 --> 00:07:37,280 And I worked at Technicolor at the time. 150 00:07:37,280 --> 00:07:39,400 I worked all night at Technicolor 151 00:07:39,400 --> 00:07:41,600 and I went to school all day. 152 00:07:41,600 --> 00:07:45,000 That took 10 years to do. 153 00:07:45,000 --> 00:07:47,600 And shortly after I got the master's degree, 154 00:07:47,600 --> 00:07:51,900 I got a job working with kids to be an intern 155 00:07:51,900 --> 00:07:55,800 for, you have to do 2000 hours then, 156 00:07:55,800 --> 00:07:58,400 to be a marriage and family therapist. 157 00:07:58,400 --> 00:08:01,280 And I was a marriage and family therapist 158 00:08:01,280 --> 00:08:05,320 for nine years before I got sober. 159 00:08:05,320 --> 00:08:09,520 If you were a patient of mine before 1984, 160 00:08:09,520 --> 00:08:11,620 you know, I apologize. 161 00:08:11,620 --> 00:08:13,840 (laughing) 162 00:08:13,840 --> 00:08:17,480 It wasn't that I meant to do you any harm at all. 163 00:08:17,480 --> 00:08:22,000 I was really interested in the practice, but I was dying. 164 00:08:22,000 --> 00:08:25,680 My sobriety date is November 1, 1984. 165 00:08:25,680 --> 00:08:29,360 I've been sober for 37 years and this thing works. 166 00:08:29,360 --> 00:08:33,280 Even for a person who's as crazy as this one was 167 00:08:33,280 --> 00:08:34,280 when he came in. 168 00:08:34,280 --> 00:08:37,760 In 1965 is when I went to Hawaii. 169 00:08:37,760 --> 00:08:41,200 In 1967, I got into therapy 170 00:08:41,200 --> 00:08:44,600 and I stayed in therapy for 15 years. 171 00:08:44,600 --> 00:08:47,720 Now, Owen didn't help my alcoholism. 172 00:08:47,720 --> 00:08:50,960 I actually think Dr. Young was, 173 00:08:50,960 --> 00:08:53,620 no, it isn't Carl Young, it's Owen Young. 174 00:08:53,620 --> 00:08:57,600 I think actually Owen was one of ours. 175 00:08:57,600 --> 00:09:01,320 But he kept me alive long enough 176 00:09:01,320 --> 00:09:03,640 to find Alcoholics Anonymous. 177 00:09:03,640 --> 00:09:07,360 And he was one of the first amends that I made. 178 00:09:07,360 --> 00:09:10,300 And that was scary because, and you say, 179 00:09:10,300 --> 00:09:13,320 "What, you have to make amends to your psychologist?" 180 00:09:13,320 --> 00:09:14,720 Yeah, I was an idiot. 181 00:09:14,720 --> 00:09:19,640 He had seen me through college and got me through school 182 00:09:19,640 --> 00:09:21,220 and kept me alive. 183 00:09:21,220 --> 00:09:24,220 And so I really did owe him an amends 184 00:09:24,220 --> 00:09:29,220 and went to do that relatively soon in my sobriety. 185 00:09:29,220 --> 00:09:32,800 I went to a guy, he was a spiritual counselor 186 00:09:32,800 --> 00:09:35,920 and had a PhD in mathematics. 187 00:09:35,920 --> 00:09:38,160 And that was at a time in California 188 00:09:38,160 --> 00:09:43,000 where you either had to be a shrink or sell real estate. 189 00:09:43,740 --> 00:09:45,380 Or be a counselor. 190 00:09:45,380 --> 00:09:48,120 And it was better if you were a combination 191 00:09:48,120 --> 00:09:50,200 of those ingredients. 192 00:09:50,200 --> 00:09:53,600 He listened to my story for about two and a half hours. 193 00:09:53,600 --> 00:09:57,000 I told him about the drinking, the drugs, the sex, 194 00:09:57,000 --> 00:09:59,720 everything that was going on, the whole deal. 195 00:09:59,720 --> 00:10:02,720 And he listened, he didn't say anything, 196 00:10:02,720 --> 00:10:05,020 except at the end he said, 197 00:10:05,020 --> 00:10:10,020 "I don't think that you will ever successfully use drugs 198 00:10:10,380 --> 00:10:13,860 "or alcohol ever again for the rest of your life." 199 00:10:13,860 --> 00:10:16,420 And I thought, "You know, I'll see him a few times, 200 00:10:16,420 --> 00:10:20,240 "maybe 10 days and a few followups ought to do it." 201 00:10:20,240 --> 00:10:22,300 And then he said something really stupid. 202 00:10:22,300 --> 00:10:25,000 He said, "You're gonna need Alcoholics Anonymous." 203 00:10:25,000 --> 00:10:25,960 I said, "Oh no." 204 00:10:25,960 --> 00:10:29,640 I said, "I'm a lot smarter than those people." 205 00:10:29,640 --> 00:10:34,640 So for the next 12 days, I wore a hole in the carpet 206 00:10:34,640 --> 00:10:39,440 'cause I was pacing around, no drink, no drugs, 207 00:10:39,440 --> 00:10:42,240 no meetings, no nothing, right? 208 00:10:42,240 --> 00:10:44,800 So I went to see him about three more times 209 00:10:44,800 --> 00:10:47,120 and every time I saw him, he said, 210 00:10:47,120 --> 00:10:49,380 "You need to go to Alcoholics Anonymous." 211 00:10:49,380 --> 00:10:53,760 So on my 12th day of sobriety, I called the central office. 212 00:10:53,760 --> 00:10:55,460 I think it was Helen Bloom, 213 00:10:55,460 --> 00:10:57,360 some of you may have remembered her, 214 00:10:57,360 --> 00:10:59,500 who was answering the phone and I said, 215 00:10:59,500 --> 00:11:01,960 "You have a specialty meeting 216 00:11:01,960 --> 00:11:04,240 "for marriage and family therapists." 217 00:11:04,240 --> 00:11:06,020 And you could just hear her groan 218 00:11:06,020 --> 00:11:07,280 on the other end of the line. 219 00:11:07,280 --> 00:11:08,840 She said, "No, no." 220 00:11:08,840 --> 00:11:12,720 She said, "The Valley Club is right down the road from there." 221 00:11:12,720 --> 00:11:15,100 That's when it was on Partheni and Linlight. 222 00:11:15,100 --> 00:11:20,040 And so I showed up at 805 for an eight o'clock meeting. 223 00:11:20,040 --> 00:11:23,640 I was smoking and sat in the no smoking section. 224 00:11:23,640 --> 00:11:27,440 I said to myself, "They'll never even know I'm here." 225 00:11:27,440 --> 00:11:30,760 And they just sort of converged on me after the meeting. 226 00:11:30,760 --> 00:11:32,920 Old Henry was leading the meeting. 227 00:11:32,920 --> 00:11:35,520 He was coming up on 10 years of sobriety. 228 00:11:35,520 --> 00:11:37,920 And so after the meeting, I said, 229 00:11:37,920 --> 00:11:41,960 "So how do you tell if you're an alcoholic around here?" 230 00:11:41,960 --> 00:11:44,600 He said, "Why don't you take the 20 questions?" 231 00:11:44,600 --> 00:11:46,440 And I thought I did pretty good. 232 00:11:46,440 --> 00:11:49,980 I only answered yes to 14 of them. 233 00:11:49,980 --> 00:11:53,240 And old Henry said, "Well, what does it say on the back?" 234 00:11:53,240 --> 00:11:57,320 I said, "Well, it says if you answered yes to one, 235 00:11:57,320 --> 00:11:58,960 "you might be an alcoholic. 236 00:11:58,960 --> 00:12:02,600 "If you answered yes to two, you're probably an alcoholic. 237 00:12:02,600 --> 00:12:05,420 "And if you answered yes to three, you're screwed." 238 00:12:06,760 --> 00:12:10,460 Took me a while to figure out what was wrong with me. 239 00:12:10,460 --> 00:12:14,240 First place I knew that I was smarter than any of you. 240 00:12:14,240 --> 00:12:18,520 And they didn't buy that into Alcoholics Anonymous at all. 241 00:12:18,520 --> 00:12:22,640 I remember it about 14, 18 days of sobriety. 242 00:12:22,640 --> 00:12:25,700 I was sitting in the Valley Club, excuse me, 243 00:12:25,700 --> 00:12:27,640 waiting for the next meeting. 244 00:12:27,640 --> 00:12:31,200 And I was talking about never having fun again 245 00:12:31,200 --> 00:12:32,700 for the rest of my life. 246 00:12:32,700 --> 00:12:37,700 And an old timer, it could have been Al Marine. 247 00:12:37,700 --> 00:12:40,960 He was sober 30 years at the time. 248 00:12:40,960 --> 00:12:43,780 He put his foot up on the seat next to me 249 00:12:43,780 --> 00:12:45,220 and he looked down at me and he said, 250 00:12:45,220 --> 00:12:49,280 "Boy, just how much more fun do you think you can have?" 251 00:12:49,280 --> 00:12:52,120 And I'll tell you, I did not look good, right? 252 00:12:52,120 --> 00:12:54,080 I mean, I did not look good. 253 00:12:54,080 --> 00:12:56,400 And usually I got pissed off at people 254 00:12:56,400 --> 00:12:58,280 who talked to me like that, 255 00:12:58,280 --> 00:13:01,960 but I just listened to what he had to say. 256 00:13:01,960 --> 00:13:05,200 Al's the one that in my second meeting 257 00:13:05,200 --> 00:13:08,540 of Alcoholics Anonymous, he said, 258 00:13:08,540 --> 00:13:12,440 "I want you to go back and wash the cups." 259 00:13:12,440 --> 00:13:16,240 We didn't have styrofoam, we had cups that we bought 260 00:13:16,240 --> 00:13:18,400 with your name on them at the Valley Club. 261 00:13:18,400 --> 00:13:20,220 And I said, "Al," I said, 262 00:13:20,220 --> 00:13:23,760 "I'm a licensed mental health professional 263 00:13:23,760 --> 00:13:25,360 "and I don't do dishes." 264 00:13:25,360 --> 00:13:27,480 And he said, "That's fine, Larry." 265 00:13:27,480 --> 00:13:30,320 He said, "After you're done with the dishes, 266 00:13:30,320 --> 00:13:34,340 "I want you to take this sponge and clean off the tables. 267 00:13:34,340 --> 00:13:35,660 "And when you're done with that, 268 00:13:35,660 --> 00:13:37,840 "I want you to empty the ashtrays, 269 00:13:37,840 --> 00:13:40,620 "'cause we could smoke in meetings at that time, 270 00:13:40,620 --> 00:13:42,360 "and wash those." 271 00:13:42,360 --> 00:13:45,600 And instead of, I never swear during these things, 272 00:13:45,600 --> 00:13:47,200 so you have to forgive me. 273 00:13:47,200 --> 00:13:50,800 The alcoholic only has three thoughts. 274 00:13:50,800 --> 00:13:55,880 Why me, where's mine, and fuck you, okay? 275 00:13:55,880 --> 00:13:58,360 I remember the first time I ever heard that 276 00:13:58,360 --> 00:14:03,040 in Alcoholics Anonymous, I fact, almost fell off my seat. 277 00:14:03,040 --> 00:14:06,260 So instead of any of those three thoughts, 278 00:14:06,260 --> 00:14:08,240 I said, "Yes, I'll do that." 279 00:14:08,240 --> 00:14:11,380 And for the next few months, 280 00:14:11,380 --> 00:14:16,380 every single time I came to a meeting, I did the dishes, 281 00:14:16,380 --> 00:14:21,120 I washed down the tables and emptied the ashtrays, okay? 282 00:14:21,120 --> 00:14:23,480 Now, I didn't know why I was doing that, 283 00:14:23,480 --> 00:14:27,220 but I was starting to feel a little better. 284 00:14:27,220 --> 00:14:30,960 Old Henry used to meet me at the door to the Valley Club, 285 00:14:30,960 --> 00:14:33,160 and he said, "You know, your eyes 286 00:14:33,160 --> 00:14:34,940 "are looking a little better today, 287 00:14:34,940 --> 00:14:37,620 "your skin's a little clearer, 288 00:14:37,620 --> 00:14:40,160 "and things are apparently getting better." 289 00:14:40,160 --> 00:14:42,840 Now, at 30 days of sobriety, 290 00:14:42,840 --> 00:14:45,120 he could tell that I was thinking again. 291 00:14:45,120 --> 00:14:48,000 And when he met me at the door to the Valley Club, 292 00:14:48,000 --> 00:14:50,140 he said, "If you're not an alcoholic," 293 00:14:50,140 --> 00:14:53,200 he said, "What the hell is wrong with you?" 294 00:14:53,200 --> 00:14:56,720 And it gave me great cause for concern. 295 00:14:56,720 --> 00:14:58,600 Again, this thing works. 296 00:14:58,600 --> 00:15:02,760 If it'll work for a guy like me, it'll work for anyone. 297 00:15:02,760 --> 00:15:05,600 Couple of years after my master's degree, 298 00:15:05,600 --> 00:15:09,720 I was working at a school called the Harmony Center, 299 00:15:09,720 --> 00:15:12,320 and not neurologically handicapped kids, 300 00:15:12,320 --> 00:15:14,140 so I was a therapist there. 301 00:15:14,140 --> 00:15:18,280 And they told me in one of my classes at USC, 302 00:15:18,280 --> 00:15:19,760 they said, "We don't know 303 00:15:19,760 --> 00:15:22,880 "how we had a graduate program without you, 304 00:15:22,880 --> 00:15:25,680 "but we're gonna find out at the end of this semester 305 00:15:25,680 --> 00:15:26,600 "you're done." 306 00:15:26,600 --> 00:15:29,240 So I never did complete the PhD. 307 00:15:29,240 --> 00:15:33,320 Something about my drinking and attitude 308 00:15:33,320 --> 00:15:34,840 wasn't working for them. 309 00:15:34,840 --> 00:15:37,480 If you're ever in a doctoral program, 310 00:15:37,480 --> 00:15:40,800 do not approach your committee 311 00:15:40,800 --> 00:15:43,420 and tell them in so many words 312 00:15:43,420 --> 00:15:45,880 that you're smarter than they are. 313 00:15:45,880 --> 00:15:48,520 It's a really bad idea. 314 00:15:48,520 --> 00:15:53,240 It was devastating not to finish up. 315 00:15:53,240 --> 00:15:57,040 It was disturbing to me for a long, long time. 316 00:15:57,040 --> 00:15:59,880 I had decided along the way 317 00:15:59,880 --> 00:16:02,660 that if they ever do give me a doctorate, 318 00:16:02,660 --> 00:16:05,720 that I will never, ever listen to anyone 319 00:16:05,720 --> 00:16:10,000 tell me anything again for the rest of my natural life. 320 00:16:10,000 --> 00:16:12,800 Now, that would precluded people saying, 321 00:16:12,800 --> 00:16:16,840 "You know, Larry, if you don't drink, you won't get drunk." 322 00:16:16,840 --> 00:16:20,440 When you make a line between these two points 323 00:16:20,440 --> 00:16:22,040 and these two points, 324 00:16:22,040 --> 00:16:25,260 you come to a place in the brain called the limbic system, 325 00:16:25,260 --> 00:16:28,280 and it's called the pleasure center in the brain. 326 00:16:28,280 --> 00:16:31,120 And once you've become an alcoholic or an addict, 327 00:16:31,120 --> 00:16:35,800 for that matter, it changes from telling you 328 00:16:35,800 --> 00:16:39,200 when you're having fun to telling you, 329 00:16:39,200 --> 00:16:42,580 especially if you're an alcoholic and you're sober, 330 00:16:42,580 --> 00:16:45,480 to telling you how you're restless, 331 00:16:45,480 --> 00:16:47,640 irritable, and discontent. 332 00:16:47,640 --> 00:16:51,600 See, that's part of the brain that seeks alcohol 333 00:16:51,600 --> 00:16:54,440 and drugs without bothering to consult me. 334 00:16:54,440 --> 00:16:56,920 That doesn't happen in non-alcoholics. 335 00:16:56,920 --> 00:17:00,760 In people like me, we process alcohol in the liver. 336 00:17:00,760 --> 00:17:04,800 It goes from alcohol to acid aldehyde, 337 00:17:04,800 --> 00:17:07,360 which is a paint thinner-like substance, 338 00:17:07,360 --> 00:17:11,040 down to scenic acid, CO2, and water, 339 00:17:11,040 --> 00:17:14,280 and is eliminated in the usual way. 340 00:17:14,280 --> 00:17:17,640 Some of that acid aldehyde in people like me 341 00:17:17,640 --> 00:17:20,480 leaves the liver, goes through the bloodstream, 342 00:17:20,480 --> 00:17:24,080 and combines with a neurotransmitter called dopamine. 343 00:17:24,080 --> 00:17:25,760 It has nothing to do with dope. 344 00:17:25,760 --> 00:17:29,040 It's a neurotransmitter, and everybody has it. 345 00:17:29,040 --> 00:17:33,040 And it produces a chemical with a name about that long. 346 00:17:33,040 --> 00:17:35,480 It's called tetrahydroisoquinellin, 347 00:17:35,480 --> 00:17:37,840 and no, I can't spell it. 348 00:17:37,840 --> 00:17:42,840 It's a heroin-like substance that I produce in my brain 349 00:17:42,840 --> 00:17:46,640 as a result of being an alcoholic. 350 00:17:46,640 --> 00:17:50,120 That simply doesn't happen to people who aren't us. 351 00:17:50,120 --> 00:17:53,840 We are biochemically, neurologically, mentally, 352 00:17:53,840 --> 00:17:56,360 and emotionally different from people. 353 00:17:56,360 --> 00:17:58,360 You know, I was sort of hoping 354 00:17:58,360 --> 00:18:01,520 that the therapy would solve the problem. 355 00:18:01,520 --> 00:18:02,360 It didn't. 356 00:18:02,360 --> 00:18:07,200 Then I was hoping that being a therapist might fix it. 357 00:18:07,200 --> 00:18:08,800 It didn't. 358 00:18:08,800 --> 00:18:13,080 There's no doctor help yourself in this program. 359 00:18:13,080 --> 00:18:15,960 I came in and did what I was told. 360 00:18:15,960 --> 00:18:18,480 Now, did I want to do what I was told? 361 00:18:18,480 --> 00:18:20,160 Not so much. 362 00:18:20,160 --> 00:18:21,200 I did it anyway. 363 00:18:21,200 --> 00:18:24,800 I have the one sobriety date, 11/1/84. 364 00:18:24,800 --> 00:18:27,800 I told my sponsor one time early in sobriety, 365 00:18:27,800 --> 00:18:29,360 I said, "Damn it, John." 366 00:18:29,360 --> 00:18:33,160 I said, "This is like land in a damn space shuttle. 367 00:18:33,160 --> 00:18:35,680 They only have the one shot at it. 368 00:18:35,680 --> 00:18:39,880 There's no fuel left to circle around and do it again." 369 00:18:39,880 --> 00:18:44,200 He said, "You only need one shot at it, idiot." 370 00:18:44,200 --> 00:18:46,720 John talked like that a lot. 371 00:18:46,720 --> 00:18:48,600 I think he had to talk like that 372 00:18:48,600 --> 00:18:51,280 because there was such arrogance. 373 00:18:51,280 --> 00:18:53,680 I remember when I was doing my fourth step 374 00:18:53,680 --> 00:18:58,680 and he actually wanted me to write on the seven deadly sins. 375 00:18:58,680 --> 00:19:00,760 And I told him I'd do it. 376 00:19:00,760 --> 00:19:02,440 I said, "But John," I said, 377 00:19:02,440 --> 00:19:06,240 "You know, I don't have a problem with pride, 378 00:19:06,240 --> 00:19:08,720 so I can't possibly write on that." 379 00:19:08,720 --> 00:19:12,560 And I was used to spending three hours a day with John. 380 00:19:12,560 --> 00:19:15,560 He said, "Never speak to me again 381 00:19:15,560 --> 00:19:18,360 unless you're willing to write about pride." 382 00:19:18,360 --> 00:19:20,760 I said, "You don't have to be nasty, John. 383 00:19:20,760 --> 00:19:23,600 Come and stay." 384 00:19:23,600 --> 00:19:26,600 He said, "We're going to work the steps 385 00:19:26,600 --> 00:19:29,320 exactly as they're written in the book." 386 00:19:29,320 --> 00:19:31,720 And we went over the book together 387 00:19:31,720 --> 00:19:34,160 and we did it just like the book. 388 00:19:34,160 --> 00:19:35,960 I came in as an atheist. 389 00:19:35,960 --> 00:19:39,560 I had to move from atheist to agnostic 390 00:19:39,560 --> 00:19:44,080 just to have a shot at having a power greater than myself. 391 00:19:44,080 --> 00:19:45,120 That took a while. 392 00:19:45,120 --> 00:19:46,480 I have that today. 393 00:19:46,480 --> 00:19:48,480 I talk to God all the time. 394 00:19:48,480 --> 00:19:51,320 I talk to him like he's a friend. 395 00:19:51,320 --> 00:19:53,440 I even swear at him occasionally. 396 00:19:53,440 --> 00:19:57,720 I figured a God who isn't big enough to handle my temper 397 00:19:57,720 --> 00:20:00,400 isn't big enough to keep me sober. 398 00:20:00,400 --> 00:20:04,680 Every one of these steps require that fourth thing. 399 00:20:04,680 --> 00:20:07,000 The first three are honesty, 400 00:20:07,000 --> 00:20:09,360 open-mindedness, and willingness. 401 00:20:09,360 --> 00:20:12,680 A very close fourth is humility. 402 00:20:12,680 --> 00:20:15,360 It's involved in every single step. 403 00:20:15,360 --> 00:20:19,640 Everything I have in my life I owe to alcoholics. 404 00:20:19,640 --> 00:20:20,600 I mean everything. 405 00:20:20,600 --> 00:20:24,320 My wife and I have been married for 46 years. 406 00:20:24,320 --> 00:20:26,800 We live together in sin for six. 407 00:20:26,800 --> 00:20:30,640 So it's 52 years under the same roof together. 408 00:20:30,640 --> 00:20:34,880 And I acknowledge her because without her, 409 00:20:34,880 --> 00:20:36,760 I'm sure I'd be dead. 410 00:20:36,760 --> 00:20:39,240 Again, I'm only sober 37 years. 411 00:20:39,240 --> 00:20:42,360 We've been living together for 52. 412 00:20:42,360 --> 00:20:47,360 She lived through all the really bad parts of my drinking. 413 00:20:47,360 --> 00:20:51,320 I thought we were having a good time. 414 00:20:51,320 --> 00:20:53,920 I don't imagine she would. 415 00:20:53,920 --> 00:20:56,520 I remember five years of sobriety. 416 00:20:56,520 --> 00:20:59,680 I said, "Sweetheart," I said, "Do you go to Al-Anon?" 417 00:20:59,680 --> 00:21:02,000 She said, "None of your fucking business." 418 00:21:02,000 --> 00:21:02,960 (laughing) 419 00:21:02,960 --> 00:21:07,880 By which response, I assumed that she had actually gone 420 00:21:07,880 --> 00:21:09,960 to a few of those Al-Anon meetings. 421 00:21:10,960 --> 00:21:15,520 I work the steps to the best of my ability in my life. 422 00:21:15,520 --> 00:21:18,120 I've been through them a bunch of other times. 423 00:21:18,120 --> 00:21:20,400 I've had two sponsors who died 424 00:21:20,400 --> 00:21:23,840 and one sponsor who said, you know, 425 00:21:23,840 --> 00:21:27,200 they probably died trying to help you. 426 00:21:27,200 --> 00:21:29,680 So that might be a little harsh. 427 00:21:29,680 --> 00:21:31,440 A therapist for 40 years. 428 00:21:31,440 --> 00:21:35,200 The first nine of which, of course, I was still drinking. 429 00:21:35,200 --> 00:21:36,120 It was good work. 430 00:21:36,120 --> 00:21:38,840 I remember being in junior college 431 00:21:38,840 --> 00:21:41,960 and taking an accounting class. 432 00:21:41,960 --> 00:21:44,760 And I went into my therapy, Owen, and I said, 433 00:21:44,760 --> 00:21:47,680 "If I ever have to take another accounting class, 434 00:21:47,680 --> 00:21:49,440 "I'm gonna pull my hair out." 435 00:21:49,440 --> 00:21:50,920 He said, "No problem." 436 00:21:50,920 --> 00:21:52,800 He said, "How about psychology?" 437 00:21:52,800 --> 00:21:55,840 And of course the rest is sort of history. 438 00:21:55,840 --> 00:22:00,400 You don't have to agree with Larry or his way of doing this, 439 00:22:00,400 --> 00:22:04,400 but find someone that you like what they have 440 00:22:04,400 --> 00:22:08,400 and ask them, humble yourself enough to ask them 441 00:22:08,400 --> 00:22:12,160 to be your sponsor and then do what they tell you to do. 442 00:22:12,160 --> 00:22:15,040 Three months ago, my wife said, 443 00:22:15,040 --> 00:22:17,560 which is the quote, "I hate you." 444 00:22:17,560 --> 00:22:21,080 And I just figured I've got some work here to do. 445 00:22:21,080 --> 00:22:23,680 So I started doing more housework. 446 00:22:23,680 --> 00:22:25,640 It was on increments, okay? 447 00:22:25,640 --> 00:22:27,640 I started doing more housework. 448 00:22:27,640 --> 00:22:29,400 And then pretty soon she said, 449 00:22:29,400 --> 00:22:33,160 "That's only one of the things I hate about you." 450 00:22:33,160 --> 00:22:35,960 She said, "You're way too singular 451 00:22:35,960 --> 00:22:38,560 "and you spend too much time by yourself 452 00:22:38,560 --> 00:22:41,360 "and you don't pay enough attention to me." 453 00:22:41,360 --> 00:22:45,920 Believe it or not, I am now less singular 454 00:22:45,920 --> 00:22:48,040 and I'm paying more attention to her. 455 00:22:48,040 --> 00:22:48,880 Why? 456 00:22:48,880 --> 00:22:51,000 Because it's the right thing to do 457 00:22:51,000 --> 00:22:54,480 and because I don't really want her hating me. 458 00:22:54,480 --> 00:22:58,120 Now in the process somewhere, we had a talk about it 459 00:22:58,120 --> 00:23:02,960 and she said, "Are you expecting me to build a shrine 460 00:23:02,960 --> 00:23:05,680 "for you because you're being a little better?" 461 00:23:05,680 --> 00:23:07,280 And I had to be honest with her. 462 00:23:07,280 --> 00:23:08,960 I said, "Yes, I am." 463 00:23:08,960 --> 00:23:10,720 She said, "Forget it." 464 00:23:10,720 --> 00:23:13,000 He said, "I like you a little bit." 465 00:23:13,000 --> 00:23:14,640 That was the first. 466 00:23:14,640 --> 00:23:17,440 And then I started to be a little more personal 467 00:23:17,440 --> 00:23:20,240 and a little more less singular. 468 00:23:20,240 --> 00:23:23,720 And I think it was about a week ago she said, "I love you." 469 00:23:23,720 --> 00:23:28,160 So I wanna continue that process forward. 470 00:23:28,160 --> 00:23:32,800 I've been retired for about eight years from what I do. 471 00:23:32,800 --> 00:23:34,960 I'm sponsoring a few guys. 472 00:23:34,960 --> 00:23:37,760 Some of them even call me, don't they? 473 00:23:37,760 --> 00:23:38,600 (laughing) 474 00:23:38,600 --> 00:23:42,440 I mean, no pressure. 475 00:23:42,440 --> 00:23:44,680 I don't want to put him under any pressure. 476 00:23:44,680 --> 00:23:46,320 I love being retired. 477 00:23:46,320 --> 00:23:49,880 I go to three or four meetings a week. 478 00:23:49,880 --> 00:23:52,360 Now they're all in-person meetings. 479 00:23:52,360 --> 00:23:53,840 I hated the Zoom. 480 00:23:53,840 --> 00:23:56,560 It just took me forever to get used to that. 481 00:23:56,560 --> 00:24:00,440 I went because I had to, because I can't do it alone. 482 00:24:00,440 --> 00:24:04,840 But I'm back in in-person meetings and I really liked them. 483 00:24:04,840 --> 00:24:08,880 I have two men stags on Monday and Friday 484 00:24:08,880 --> 00:24:11,200 and a mixed meeting on Tuesday. 485 00:24:11,200 --> 00:24:14,000 And one of the ladies in that meeting 486 00:24:14,000 --> 00:24:17,040 has a eatin' meetin' once a month. 487 00:24:17,040 --> 00:24:18,960 And I attend that one minute. 488 00:24:18,960 --> 00:24:19,800 I'll think of it. 489 00:24:19,800 --> 00:24:21,800 In the meantime, I'll tell you what he said. 490 00:24:21,800 --> 00:24:26,800 Vern Williams, he died with 38 years of sobriety. 491 00:24:26,800 --> 00:24:31,240 And Vern said, "The price of continued sobriety 492 00:24:31,240 --> 00:24:33,560 "is constant vigilance. 493 00:24:33,560 --> 00:24:37,520 "And it really annoyed me when he used to say that 494 00:24:37,520 --> 00:24:42,200 "until I figured out the vigilance is of our attitudes." 495 00:24:42,200 --> 00:24:45,120 And I find that totally to be true. 496 00:24:45,120 --> 00:24:48,040 My mind wants to go and do this 497 00:24:48,040 --> 00:24:51,080 and the program wants me to go and do this. 498 00:24:51,080 --> 00:24:54,560 And so there are conflicts inside the brain 499 00:24:54,560 --> 00:24:55,560 every now and then. 500 00:24:55,560 --> 00:24:59,720 My message is come and do what we do and stay, 501 00:24:59,720 --> 00:25:02,800 regardless of how tough you think it is. 502 00:25:02,800 --> 00:25:05,280 Go down to Skid Row, that's tough. 503 00:25:05,280 --> 00:25:09,200 Before the pandemic, I was doin' that at least once a month. 504 00:25:09,200 --> 00:25:11,640 Soon as this is over, I'm lookin' forward 505 00:25:11,640 --> 00:25:14,720 to getting to Southern California Hospital 506 00:25:14,720 --> 00:25:18,200 and other panels 'cause it does me some good. 507 00:25:18,200 --> 00:25:20,640 I don't know if we do them any good at all, 508 00:25:20,640 --> 00:25:25,160 but I look out at the audience and I see what I don't want. 509 00:25:25,160 --> 00:25:27,240 Here, I see what I want. 510 00:25:27,240 --> 00:25:29,080 You guys have what I want. 511 00:25:29,080 --> 00:25:32,400 The people at Southern California Hospital 512 00:25:32,400 --> 00:25:35,920 and the people on Skid Row do not have what I want. 513 00:25:35,920 --> 00:25:38,360 It's a privilege to be here and be sober. 514 00:25:38,360 --> 00:25:41,920 And if I didn't thank you for asking me to present, 515 00:25:41,920 --> 00:25:43,880 I'll do that now. 516 00:25:43,880 --> 00:25:45,640 I think that's probably enough out of me. 517 00:25:45,640 --> 00:25:46,480 Thank you.