1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,780 - Thank you so much. 2 00:00:04,780 --> 00:00:06,660 What time should I end at? 3 00:00:06,660 --> 00:00:10,540 Okay, I'm writing it down to recall. 4 00:00:10,540 --> 00:00:12,420 Hi there, I'm Carolyn, I'm an alcoholic. 5 00:00:12,420 --> 00:00:13,900 - Hi Carolyn. 6 00:00:13,900 --> 00:00:15,100 - I'm gonna change the view 7 00:00:15,100 --> 00:00:17,380 so I can see all your lovely faces. 8 00:00:17,380 --> 00:00:20,900 Well, so let's see, I'm really glad to be here. 9 00:00:20,900 --> 00:00:24,180 Thank you for inviting me and hopefully I'll do well. 10 00:00:24,180 --> 00:00:25,620 It sounds like a tall order. 11 00:00:25,620 --> 00:00:28,800 I don't wanna get stuck drunk too long. 12 00:00:28,800 --> 00:00:30,480 I wanna qualify a little bit. 13 00:00:30,480 --> 00:00:32,420 I wanna talk a lot about like this year. 14 00:00:32,420 --> 00:00:35,760 There's been some changes for me in my AA program. 15 00:00:35,760 --> 00:00:38,100 All of us, of course, with Zoom and everything. 16 00:00:38,100 --> 00:00:41,100 Some switches up with my home group and everything. 17 00:00:41,100 --> 00:00:42,580 I'm glad to see Melissa's here. 18 00:00:42,580 --> 00:00:44,140 She knows all about that stuff. 19 00:00:44,140 --> 00:00:47,280 I originally was on the East Coast. 20 00:00:47,280 --> 00:00:49,980 You know, sometimes people start with their family, 21 00:00:49,980 --> 00:00:51,620 like what they grew up like. 22 00:00:51,620 --> 00:00:54,020 And I was one of those people that swore up and down. 23 00:00:54,020 --> 00:00:55,860 Everything was normal, everything was normal. 24 00:00:55,860 --> 00:00:58,060 And I realized later it wasn't so normal, 25 00:00:58,060 --> 00:00:59,860 but it was the only normal I knew. 26 00:00:59,860 --> 00:01:02,920 And, but it doesn't really kind of factor in. 27 00:01:02,920 --> 00:01:04,420 There's some outside issues, 28 00:01:04,420 --> 00:01:06,900 maybe some relationship issues that can come from that. 29 00:01:06,900 --> 00:01:08,680 But the alcoholism, 30 00:01:08,680 --> 00:01:11,220 I can't say that it sprung up from anything like that, right? 31 00:01:11,220 --> 00:01:13,420 Dealing with all of that directly 32 00:01:13,420 --> 00:01:16,260 wasn't something that had to happen for me to get sober. 33 00:01:16,260 --> 00:01:19,580 But I was led down a path as pegged as a mental health case. 34 00:01:19,580 --> 00:01:22,260 And it was like, oh, we gotta find the issue, right? 35 00:01:22,260 --> 00:01:24,860 Like if we could find that one crumb in the past 36 00:01:24,860 --> 00:01:26,980 that started all of this, I would stop drinking. 37 00:01:26,980 --> 00:01:29,740 'Cause they said I was self-medicating 38 00:01:29,740 --> 00:01:31,380 for underlying emotional issues. 39 00:01:31,380 --> 00:01:33,520 And now they like to say induced by trauma, right? 40 00:01:33,520 --> 00:01:34,700 And they're like, where is it? 41 00:01:34,700 --> 00:01:38,020 You know, and they, therapists and rehabs and things 42 00:01:38,020 --> 00:01:40,780 would like try to dig in and find it. 43 00:01:40,780 --> 00:01:42,940 I sort of started that round when I was pretty young. 44 00:01:42,940 --> 00:01:45,500 I had, I speak sometimes about it 45 00:01:45,500 --> 00:01:47,180 like it's colorful alcoholism. 46 00:01:47,180 --> 00:01:49,500 Like there was self-injury and bad behavior. 47 00:01:49,500 --> 00:01:51,180 And I was so goth, you know, 48 00:01:51,180 --> 00:01:55,580 I farted clouds and black rainbows followed me, you know. 49 00:01:55,580 --> 00:01:58,820 And like, I think I was awfully lonely too. 50 00:01:58,820 --> 00:02:01,380 And in high school, it was Insta friends, you know, 51 00:02:01,380 --> 00:02:04,100 like there we are, we can all come together 52 00:02:04,100 --> 00:02:05,380 over these substances 53 00:02:05,380 --> 00:02:07,100 and kind of have these fair weather friends. 54 00:02:07,100 --> 00:02:09,500 And I treated people quite poorly. 55 00:02:09,500 --> 00:02:10,780 I had no idea, you know, 56 00:02:10,780 --> 00:02:13,420 it was very self-centered going all along 57 00:02:13,420 --> 00:02:14,900 and making amends to friends. 58 00:02:14,900 --> 00:02:17,220 You know, I'm having revelations like, 59 00:02:17,220 --> 00:02:19,840 oh, I was this awful friend that was there 60 00:02:19,840 --> 00:02:22,180 when I needed something and not when I didn't 61 00:02:22,180 --> 00:02:24,180 and would expose people to things 62 00:02:24,180 --> 00:02:26,540 that brought their life in a negative direction. 63 00:02:26,540 --> 00:02:29,000 And, you know, so desperate and pathetic. 64 00:02:29,000 --> 00:02:32,260 I mean, especially if I got up to 21 and could buy alcohol, 65 00:02:32,260 --> 00:02:34,320 I would supply alcohol to minors. 66 00:02:34,320 --> 00:02:36,260 And I'm like, oh yeah, I'm cool. 67 00:02:36,260 --> 00:02:37,780 You know, they need me and stuff. 68 00:02:37,780 --> 00:02:39,780 And it, and it was terribly sad 69 00:02:39,780 --> 00:02:41,940 and had a lot of wrongdoings looking back at it. 70 00:02:41,940 --> 00:02:43,420 But people were like, oh, 71 00:02:43,420 --> 00:02:44,860 that's what it meant to be friends with you. 72 00:02:44,860 --> 00:02:45,700 We knew that. 73 00:02:45,700 --> 00:02:47,680 And I'm like, oh, geez Louise. 74 00:02:47,680 --> 00:02:50,140 That they, you know, they knew my inventory. 75 00:02:50,140 --> 00:02:51,780 I was the one that needed to catch up. 76 00:02:51,780 --> 00:02:56,300 And I've had the opportunity to make living amends 77 00:02:56,300 --> 00:03:00,300 to some of those people as well as time went on, as we do. 78 00:03:00,300 --> 00:03:03,580 I would, you know, go to an outpatient program 79 00:03:03,580 --> 00:03:04,940 and they'd have the little papers. 80 00:03:04,940 --> 00:03:07,500 They're like, you need to go to meetings outside of this. 81 00:03:07,500 --> 00:03:08,320 And I'd say, why? 82 00:03:08,320 --> 00:03:09,740 You guys are gonna get me sober, you know? 83 00:03:09,740 --> 00:03:12,100 And they, I'd look at these lists and I'd be like, 84 00:03:12,100 --> 00:03:12,940 why is there two? 85 00:03:12,940 --> 00:03:14,540 And they're like, oh, well, one's AA 86 00:03:14,540 --> 00:03:16,320 and in AA they talk about God. 87 00:03:16,320 --> 00:03:18,100 So if you don't like that, go to the other one. 88 00:03:18,100 --> 00:03:19,540 I'm like, oh yeah, give me the other one. 89 00:03:19,540 --> 00:03:21,100 And I would, I'd go a little bit. 90 00:03:21,100 --> 00:03:23,420 And it was the saddest bunch of folks ever. 91 00:03:23,420 --> 00:03:25,780 And I would, but I would go once a week 92 00:03:25,780 --> 00:03:27,540 at the, off the workbook and everything. 93 00:03:27,540 --> 00:03:29,580 And you know, I just would sort of lose interest 94 00:03:29,580 --> 00:03:31,660 and everything would kind of revert back 95 00:03:31,660 --> 00:03:33,120 to the same way it had always been. 96 00:03:33,120 --> 00:03:35,060 'Cause I drink like I breathe, you know? 97 00:03:35,060 --> 00:03:37,500 And I couldn't, I'd go to therapists 98 00:03:37,500 --> 00:03:40,180 and I would describe the craving, right? 99 00:03:40,180 --> 00:03:42,900 Where I would be laying in bed, having the spins, 100 00:03:42,900 --> 00:03:45,020 like just pass out, you don't need to drink more. 101 00:03:45,020 --> 00:03:46,980 And I'd reach under the bed and pour a shot 102 00:03:46,980 --> 00:03:48,980 and take the water back with it. 103 00:03:48,980 --> 00:03:51,940 And I'd lay down and be like, just pass out. 104 00:03:51,940 --> 00:03:53,600 Like I don't need to drink anymore. 105 00:03:53,600 --> 00:03:55,900 And knowing, like watching myself, 106 00:03:55,900 --> 00:03:59,100 knowing I was gonna take another drink and another drink. 107 00:03:59,100 --> 00:04:01,620 And I would sit there and spin this stuff 108 00:04:01,620 --> 00:04:03,560 and they're like, do you want to stop? 109 00:04:03,560 --> 00:04:05,500 And I thought about it and I was like, well, I guess not. 110 00:04:05,500 --> 00:04:07,260 'Cause if I wanted to stop, I would, right? 111 00:04:07,260 --> 00:04:08,540 I must not want to stop. 112 00:04:08,540 --> 00:04:11,580 And situations that arise out of craving 113 00:04:11,580 --> 00:04:14,220 that cause some men to make the ultimate sacrifice 114 00:04:14,220 --> 00:04:15,680 rather than continue to fight, right? 115 00:04:15,680 --> 00:04:17,860 This funny little sentence in the doctor's opinion. 116 00:04:17,860 --> 00:04:21,060 And I couldn't see that that was exactly 117 00:04:21,060 --> 00:04:22,160 what ended up coming up. 118 00:04:22,160 --> 00:04:25,300 I had drank all of my alcohol looking back at it. 119 00:04:25,300 --> 00:04:28,140 And I was thinking, where is it? 120 00:04:28,140 --> 00:04:29,480 Like, where did I leave this? 121 00:04:29,480 --> 00:04:30,540 Is it at a friend's house? 122 00:04:30,540 --> 00:04:32,800 And I got in the car and drove over to the friend 123 00:04:32,800 --> 00:04:36,820 and it was snowing out there and woke them up 124 00:04:36,820 --> 00:04:38,140 'cause it had been quite a while. 125 00:04:38,140 --> 00:04:39,020 They didn't have it. 126 00:04:39,020 --> 00:04:41,460 I didn't have a phone to be calling around. 127 00:04:41,460 --> 00:04:42,940 I lost it 'cause I was drunk. 128 00:04:42,940 --> 00:04:43,780 And on the way back, 129 00:04:43,780 --> 00:04:45,700 I remember hitting a trashcan or something, right? 130 00:04:45,700 --> 00:04:49,900 And I was found trying to drive the car full of smoke, 131 00:04:49,900 --> 00:04:53,960 very rural area, no trouble with DUIs or anything. 132 00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:56,140 I was a quarter mile from the family house 133 00:04:56,140 --> 00:04:58,900 and trying to drive this car in a blackout 134 00:04:58,900 --> 00:05:00,900 that no longer had a radiator or anything. 135 00:05:00,900 --> 00:05:02,540 And to this day, I actually don't know 136 00:05:02,540 --> 00:05:04,340 where I'd gone off the road. 137 00:05:04,340 --> 00:05:07,980 And my dad was coming up the road and knocks on the window. 138 00:05:07,980 --> 00:05:11,020 And I come to, and I start marching off all angry 139 00:05:11,020 --> 00:05:13,820 and a neighbor ends up coming by with a tow truck. 140 00:05:13,820 --> 00:05:15,940 Oh, you want me to haul that up to the yard? 141 00:05:15,940 --> 00:05:19,660 And I get back to the house and it's just, here we go again. 142 00:05:19,660 --> 00:05:23,140 The jig is up as it does over and over in a cycle. 143 00:05:23,140 --> 00:05:25,060 And they're like, where were you? 144 00:05:25,060 --> 00:05:26,220 Why are you drunk? 145 00:05:26,220 --> 00:05:27,720 Like what happened to your car? 146 00:05:27,720 --> 00:05:29,580 And I'm starting to make up stories. 147 00:05:29,580 --> 00:05:33,060 And it's that situation where I, yet again, 148 00:05:33,060 --> 00:05:36,860 I cannot blot out this intolerable situation 149 00:05:36,860 --> 00:05:39,700 no matter how I'm going in and out of this brownout. 150 00:05:39,700 --> 00:05:42,060 And I just want everything to go away. 151 00:05:42,060 --> 00:05:44,780 And I like shrunk down to the ground 152 00:05:44,780 --> 00:05:46,480 and started hitting my head, 153 00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:48,300 trying to knock myself out on a stud, 154 00:05:48,300 --> 00:05:49,260 but it was just drywall. 155 00:05:49,260 --> 00:05:52,740 I put holes in the wall and my mom was like, no, 156 00:05:52,740 --> 00:05:54,280 and grabs my head. 157 00:05:54,280 --> 00:05:56,300 And I don't recall the rest of the night, 158 00:05:56,300 --> 00:05:57,300 but the next morning, 159 00:05:57,300 --> 00:06:00,020 not thinking that people had stayed home from work, 160 00:06:00,020 --> 00:06:02,080 I'm like, I can't keep doing this. 161 00:06:02,080 --> 00:06:04,220 You know, like I'm just tired of it. 162 00:06:04,220 --> 00:06:05,940 I didn't want to find another drink. 163 00:06:05,940 --> 00:06:08,060 I pulled out this vet equipment 164 00:06:08,060 --> 00:06:09,340 I'd ordered off the internet 165 00:06:09,340 --> 00:06:12,500 and started put large gauge needles in my arms 166 00:06:12,500 --> 00:06:14,660 and started bleeding out into a trash can. 167 00:06:14,660 --> 00:06:17,420 And, but you know, like my heart slows down 168 00:06:17,420 --> 00:06:21,300 and my veins collapse and everything starts down to a trickle 169 00:06:21,300 --> 00:06:23,260 and I'm still, I'm like, shoot, you know, 170 00:06:23,260 --> 00:06:25,820 and I get in a bathtub and, you know, 171 00:06:25,820 --> 00:06:27,860 I didn't know this and it was, I didn't, 172 00:06:27,860 --> 00:06:30,620 I had three years sober before my mom ever told me, 173 00:06:30,620 --> 00:06:33,400 but she could hear me drowning and I would sputter 174 00:06:33,400 --> 00:06:34,900 and I would cough up the water 175 00:06:34,900 --> 00:06:36,940 and she would hear the sound again. 176 00:06:36,940 --> 00:06:39,780 She'd tap on the door, are you okay? What's going on in there? 177 00:06:39,780 --> 00:06:42,100 And I was unconscious at that point. 178 00:06:42,100 --> 00:06:45,320 And so she eventually ends up breaking down the door 179 00:06:45,320 --> 00:06:47,340 and it's this girl in a bloody bathtub. 180 00:06:47,340 --> 00:06:48,580 And I, for the first three years, 181 00:06:48,580 --> 00:06:51,460 I would tell this story from only my perspective, right? 182 00:06:51,460 --> 00:06:54,100 That self-centered perspective where I can't really see 183 00:06:54,100 --> 00:06:56,940 what it's like for other people. 184 00:06:56,940 --> 00:07:00,240 And you know, that I'm like, oh, they made, you know, 185 00:07:00,240 --> 00:07:02,220 the EMTs and deputies, how embarrassing. 186 00:07:02,220 --> 00:07:03,880 Some of them were from my high school 187 00:07:03,880 --> 00:07:06,520 and there was the sheriff that had been at the high school 188 00:07:06,520 --> 00:07:08,160 and people I'd been to high school with 189 00:07:08,160 --> 00:07:10,160 were these EMTs and deputies. 190 00:07:10,160 --> 00:07:14,000 And they made me get up and my mom puts a stack of clothes 191 00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:15,580 on the gurney and they whisk me off. 192 00:07:15,580 --> 00:07:18,580 And when I get to the hospital, like a good alcoholic, 193 00:07:18,580 --> 00:07:20,340 like I start realizing where I'm at 194 00:07:20,340 --> 00:07:23,300 and I start screaming out of van, out of van. 195 00:07:23,300 --> 00:07:26,580 And the lady comes in with a little syringe for the line. 196 00:07:26,580 --> 00:07:27,940 And the last thought I had was like, 197 00:07:27,940 --> 00:07:29,740 it's probably generic, right? 198 00:07:29,740 --> 00:07:31,660 And then I passed out again. 199 00:07:31,660 --> 00:07:34,020 What I didn't know was that, you know, 200 00:07:34,020 --> 00:07:37,540 from the family's perspective, it's this, sorry, the cat, 201 00:07:37,540 --> 00:07:41,660 it's this crisis where like, it's always about me, right? 202 00:07:41,660 --> 00:07:43,820 There's no one there to support the family, right? 203 00:07:43,820 --> 00:07:47,300 She'd never been touched by the ghost of Al-Anon 204 00:07:47,300 --> 00:07:50,200 and they never kicked me out 'cause it, you know, 205 00:07:50,200 --> 00:07:51,740 it was a mental health, right? 206 00:07:51,740 --> 00:07:54,940 And so she is just in hysterics 207 00:07:54,940 --> 00:07:57,780 whenever this sort of thing would happen, living in terror. 208 00:07:57,780 --> 00:08:00,540 And this one guy pulls her aside 209 00:08:00,540 --> 00:08:02,540 the first time anyone had done this for her and said, 210 00:08:02,540 --> 00:08:03,940 this is where we're taking her. 211 00:08:03,940 --> 00:08:05,460 This is when you can see her. 212 00:08:05,460 --> 00:08:07,000 And, you know, I just wanted you to know, 213 00:08:07,000 --> 00:08:08,340 I went to high school with Carolyn 214 00:08:08,340 --> 00:08:10,900 and she always seemed like a nice girl, you know? 215 00:08:10,900 --> 00:08:13,220 And at the end of that call with my mom, 216 00:08:13,220 --> 00:08:14,820 'cause I'd been calling her consistently 217 00:08:14,820 --> 00:08:16,540 as part of my living amends every week. 218 00:08:16,540 --> 00:08:18,860 And she just started rolling into that story. 219 00:08:18,860 --> 00:08:20,100 And at the end, she's like, 220 00:08:20,100 --> 00:08:22,100 hey, Carolyn, thanks for being real. 221 00:08:22,100 --> 00:08:23,700 Like, oh geez, you know? 222 00:08:23,700 --> 00:08:26,580 And the next thing I did was call my sponsor, right? 223 00:08:26,580 --> 00:08:29,420 After something like that, really starting to see. 224 00:08:29,420 --> 00:08:32,340 And I talk about like, I think we wake up slowly, right? 225 00:08:32,340 --> 00:08:34,420 If I could really have seen everything 226 00:08:34,420 --> 00:08:36,980 about all my experience all at once, 227 00:08:36,980 --> 00:08:38,740 oh gosh, it would have been too much. 228 00:08:38,740 --> 00:08:39,580 I couldn't have taken it. 229 00:08:39,580 --> 00:08:40,720 You know, I would have ran. 230 00:08:40,720 --> 00:08:44,020 Like I started seeing like, you know, all right. 231 00:08:44,020 --> 00:08:46,840 Like, you know, I put people in danger 232 00:08:46,840 --> 00:08:50,780 and this drunk driving is dangerous to other people. 233 00:08:50,780 --> 00:08:53,500 And it's the things I did in the house that were illegal 234 00:08:53,500 --> 00:08:55,660 and the people I brought around the family. 235 00:08:55,660 --> 00:08:58,540 The way that I use fragility as a defense mechanism, 236 00:08:58,540 --> 00:09:01,020 like where you can't talk to me about, you know, 237 00:09:01,020 --> 00:09:02,340 what I'm doing with my life. 238 00:09:02,340 --> 00:09:05,080 'Cause I'm gonna try to get the cat out of here. 239 00:09:05,080 --> 00:09:07,160 You know, 'cause I'm just unpredictable 240 00:09:07,160 --> 00:09:08,460 and I don't threaten you, right? 241 00:09:08,460 --> 00:09:09,300 I don't know. 242 00:09:09,300 --> 00:09:11,420 It's just these eggshells that people have to walk on. 243 00:09:11,420 --> 00:09:14,380 So I was in there after that suicide attempt. 244 00:09:14,380 --> 00:09:16,660 I couldn't stand, I still have a leaky valve, I think, 245 00:09:16,660 --> 00:09:17,820 from that ever since then 246 00:09:17,820 --> 00:09:20,060 with like some arrhythmia and palpitations. 247 00:09:20,060 --> 00:09:21,660 And I was like, you know what? 248 00:09:21,660 --> 00:09:24,480 If I'm not gonna die, I have to find a better way to live. 249 00:09:24,480 --> 00:09:28,340 You know, I was in there with a lady who became agoraphobic 250 00:09:28,340 --> 00:09:30,900 after her husband had committed suicide 251 00:09:30,900 --> 00:09:32,480 'cause he had stage four cancer. 252 00:09:32,480 --> 00:09:35,660 And I, it's just what that, I was like, all right, 253 00:09:35,660 --> 00:09:37,940 so that's kind of off the table, but I'll tell you what, 254 00:09:37,940 --> 00:09:39,160 you want me to get sober there? 255 00:09:39,160 --> 00:09:43,120 And I didn't, you know, it was this grueling journey 256 00:09:43,120 --> 00:09:46,900 of trying to stay sober and having these relapses 257 00:09:46,900 --> 00:09:48,300 and being like, I'm not gonna drink. 258 00:09:48,300 --> 00:09:49,860 I'm gonna take these boxes, of course, 259 00:09:49,860 --> 00:09:51,780 even cough and cold and, you know, 260 00:09:51,780 --> 00:09:54,460 and having the remorse coming out of that 261 00:09:54,460 --> 00:09:57,300 and the, you know, the horror that everyone goes through 262 00:09:57,300 --> 00:10:00,860 and marching off to these dual diagnosis, 263 00:10:00,860 --> 00:10:03,740 polysubstance abuse, you know, sort of psych places 264 00:10:03,740 --> 00:10:06,060 and all the bells and whistles and therapies. 265 00:10:06,060 --> 00:10:08,000 And I drank the day I left there. 266 00:10:08,000 --> 00:10:09,640 And I, they had some AA, I mean, 267 00:10:09,640 --> 00:10:11,900 they had me in all the anonymous meetings. 268 00:10:11,900 --> 00:10:13,820 I mean, they had me in the AA, the NA, 269 00:10:13,820 --> 00:10:16,980 the sex and love addicts anonymous, self-harm anonymous. 270 00:10:16,980 --> 00:10:18,620 They even have emotions anonymous. 271 00:10:18,620 --> 00:10:20,580 They had that for my flat affect. 272 00:10:20,580 --> 00:10:24,580 And, but I, you know, I was just sitting there in that mall 273 00:10:24,580 --> 00:10:28,580 of like step one of identifying, right, of like, you know, 274 00:10:28,580 --> 00:10:30,020 who's hurting today sort of thing 275 00:10:30,020 --> 00:10:32,180 and never getting into step solution. 276 00:10:32,180 --> 00:10:34,440 Like not even understanding that alcoholism 277 00:10:34,440 --> 00:10:37,320 had this feature of craving where I needed more and more 278 00:10:37,320 --> 00:10:39,860 in this insanity where I'd always start again. 279 00:10:39,860 --> 00:10:41,960 And they would always, I'd leave a place 280 00:10:41,960 --> 00:10:43,580 and say, you need a higher level of care, 281 00:10:43,580 --> 00:10:44,980 but that doesn't exist forever. 282 00:10:44,980 --> 00:10:47,040 It's not infinite levels of higher care. 283 00:10:47,040 --> 00:10:48,720 It's really a trickle down effect. 284 00:10:48,720 --> 00:10:51,880 And I love in one of our forwards where it talks about, 285 00:10:51,880 --> 00:10:55,140 for those who've not yet found any other solution, 286 00:10:55,140 --> 00:10:56,860 they should all be offered the opportunity 287 00:10:56,860 --> 00:10:59,100 we have here in Alcoholics Anonymous. 288 00:10:59,100 --> 00:11:02,660 And I came across women who came into the treatments 289 00:11:02,660 --> 00:11:05,820 and I was hearing that as we've got to go find those people, 290 00:11:05,820 --> 00:11:08,020 meet them, tell them about Alcoholics Anonymous, 291 00:11:08,020 --> 00:11:09,260 invite them to our meetings. 292 00:11:09,260 --> 00:11:10,540 And that's what women did for me. 293 00:11:10,540 --> 00:11:12,300 I mean, I would have just sat in there 294 00:11:12,300 --> 00:11:13,780 and drank the day I left again, 295 00:11:13,780 --> 00:11:17,740 but I was at a spot where people were very active alumni 296 00:11:17,740 --> 00:11:21,600 and panels and women who would bring in meetings. 297 00:11:21,600 --> 00:11:23,900 And I really started to see there was something there. 298 00:11:23,900 --> 00:11:25,600 I didn't want to get locked up again. 299 00:11:25,600 --> 00:11:27,300 I didn't want the naked body checks 300 00:11:27,300 --> 00:11:29,240 and the 15 minute bed checks 301 00:11:29,240 --> 00:11:32,000 and the prescriptions that were foisted on me. 302 00:11:32,000 --> 00:11:35,260 And I was like, I've got to kind of figure out 303 00:11:35,260 --> 00:11:37,740 what's going on here at Alcoholics Anonymous. 304 00:11:37,740 --> 00:11:39,860 And, you know, getting got into the book, 305 00:11:39,860 --> 00:11:41,780 they were like, read till your eyes bleed 306 00:11:41,780 --> 00:11:42,740 and they won't bleed. 307 00:11:42,740 --> 00:11:46,180 So just keep reading and, you know, getting busy. 308 00:11:46,180 --> 00:11:49,860 There's this lady, there was an old timer to us at the time, 309 00:11:49,860 --> 00:11:53,440 but she would take me on panels and she would say about it, 310 00:11:53,440 --> 00:11:56,020 like, she said, well, Carolyn, you weren't gonna stay sober. 311 00:11:56,020 --> 00:11:58,140 I didn't know what to do with you, you know? 312 00:11:58,140 --> 00:11:59,980 And there were a lot of people 313 00:11:59,980 --> 00:12:02,460 that were involved and around. 314 00:12:02,460 --> 00:12:05,020 And, you know, my sponsor would say stuff casually like, 315 00:12:05,020 --> 00:12:08,100 hey, you and Brandy should go to H&I. 316 00:12:08,100 --> 00:12:09,940 And this chick Brandy, I was like, 317 00:12:09,940 --> 00:12:11,580 you have a car and I don't, let's go. 318 00:12:11,580 --> 00:12:13,140 And she didn't want to go. 319 00:12:13,140 --> 00:12:16,140 And I'm real involved in H&I now. 320 00:12:16,140 --> 00:12:18,620 I've been a member of that for many years, 321 00:12:18,620 --> 00:12:20,420 done the jail and prison panels 322 00:12:20,420 --> 00:12:24,400 and had a meeting routine that was very consistent. 323 00:12:24,400 --> 00:12:25,460 Like they would tell us, 324 00:12:25,460 --> 00:12:28,180 like the sponsor would tell me which meetings to be at. 325 00:12:28,180 --> 00:12:29,380 And I didn't quite get it right. 326 00:12:29,380 --> 00:12:31,820 I'd be like, well, someone's having a watch 327 00:12:31,820 --> 00:12:33,180 and they're gonna take a chip. 328 00:12:33,180 --> 00:12:34,980 So we're all gonna go to norms all night. 329 00:12:34,980 --> 00:12:36,260 And so can I do that tonight? 330 00:12:36,260 --> 00:12:38,220 And she's like, ah, you know, 331 00:12:38,220 --> 00:12:40,260 you've got a routine meeting that night. 332 00:12:40,260 --> 00:12:42,620 And if it's not a, like a routine's not a routine 333 00:12:42,620 --> 00:12:45,820 unless it's routine, like why, how about next year 334 00:12:45,820 --> 00:12:48,580 after you've built a foundation, if they do another watch, 335 00:12:48,580 --> 00:12:49,820 you can go to that one, you know? 336 00:12:49,820 --> 00:12:51,740 And I think a watch is more of a one-year thing, 337 00:12:51,740 --> 00:12:53,300 but that's okay. 338 00:12:53,300 --> 00:12:55,780 And you know, starting to catch the idea 339 00:12:55,780 --> 00:12:57,260 or maybe one time I'd be like, 340 00:12:57,260 --> 00:12:59,860 hey, Balboa Abroad's on Tuesday is an hour and a half. 341 00:12:59,860 --> 00:13:01,660 I want to check out some other meeting. 342 00:13:01,660 --> 00:13:02,480 And she was like, hey, 343 00:13:02,480 --> 00:13:05,540 why don't you go to this Linhouse alumni meeting? 344 00:13:05,540 --> 00:13:07,380 'Cause I have a sponsor over there 345 00:13:07,380 --> 00:13:09,900 and there's no one else running with her in the pack. 346 00:13:09,900 --> 00:13:12,180 You know, that was another thing is stick with a pack, right? 347 00:13:12,180 --> 00:13:14,260 Get some people, yoke them up, 348 00:13:14,260 --> 00:13:16,500 you're at the meetings together, you're rolling deep. 349 00:13:16,500 --> 00:13:18,300 And then I went to that one. 350 00:13:18,300 --> 00:13:19,740 I'm like, you know what, I don't like this one either. 351 00:13:19,740 --> 00:13:20,580 I'm going to go back. 352 00:13:20,580 --> 00:13:22,780 She's like, no, you're not, no more switchy-switchy. 353 00:13:22,780 --> 00:13:25,020 You just, you stick with your meeting. 354 00:13:25,020 --> 00:13:28,340 And I've had the same sponsor all this time, you know, 355 00:13:28,340 --> 00:13:30,700 and she, and Tisha, I'll just say her name. 356 00:13:30,700 --> 00:13:34,020 So it's, you know, Tisha's been really critical. 357 00:13:34,020 --> 00:13:37,460 Like there weren't a lot of people chasing after me, right? 358 00:13:37,460 --> 00:13:39,620 There was a little, people would talk some smack 359 00:13:39,620 --> 00:13:41,540 about our home group 'cause it was too strict 360 00:13:41,540 --> 00:13:43,340 or too busy or whatever. 361 00:13:43,340 --> 00:13:46,340 And, but there, there wasn't really any other game for me. 362 00:13:46,340 --> 00:13:47,980 It was a very annoying alcoholic. 363 00:13:47,980 --> 00:13:49,580 I couldn't time conversations. 364 00:13:49,580 --> 00:13:51,500 I would kind of steamroll everyone, 365 00:13:51,500 --> 00:13:54,100 would talk about really inappropriate stuff. 366 00:13:54,100 --> 00:13:56,540 I would walk into a room and kind of take it over. 367 00:13:56,540 --> 00:13:58,660 And really I would just, 368 00:13:58,660 --> 00:14:01,340 I would have whoever would take me in Alcoholics Anonymous. 369 00:14:01,340 --> 00:14:04,860 And you know, I, to talk about this year, 370 00:14:04,860 --> 00:14:08,300 it's been, it's been an interesting year for me personally. 371 00:14:08,300 --> 00:14:11,300 It's, I think about coming around Christmas, right? 372 00:14:11,300 --> 00:14:14,900 Like I have relationships with my brother, for example, 373 00:14:14,900 --> 00:14:17,860 where this guy, when I did my amends, 374 00:14:17,860 --> 00:14:19,260 he was, his response was, 375 00:14:19,260 --> 00:14:20,940 "Well, we all got to grow up sometime." 376 00:14:20,940 --> 00:14:22,380 You know, all right, fair enough. 377 00:14:22,380 --> 00:14:24,380 That's not, that's not the whole story 378 00:14:24,380 --> 00:14:26,060 of what's happening right now, but all right. 379 00:14:26,060 --> 00:14:29,660 And I would call him on holidays, very distant. 380 00:14:29,660 --> 00:14:32,980 And it wasn't until I started having some, 381 00:14:32,980 --> 00:14:34,100 some issues come up, 382 00:14:34,100 --> 00:14:35,820 like I was saying about the family stuff. 383 00:14:35,820 --> 00:14:38,340 And I was like, something's wrong with me. 384 00:14:38,340 --> 00:14:39,940 You know, there's, there's something funny. 385 00:14:39,940 --> 00:14:42,500 And this sort of seems like some of that PTSD 386 00:14:42,500 --> 00:14:44,500 I've heard about and I looked into it 387 00:14:44,500 --> 00:14:46,340 and that's definitely what it was. 388 00:14:46,340 --> 00:14:49,660 And I started talking to him and he was like, 389 00:14:49,660 --> 00:14:50,540 "Oh yeah." 390 00:14:50,540 --> 00:14:52,580 He's like, "I didn't know when 391 00:14:52,580 --> 00:14:54,100 or if I should ever bring it up, 392 00:14:54,100 --> 00:14:57,820 but I have this letter from your abuser. 393 00:14:57,820 --> 00:15:00,980 What you're asking me is absolutely what happened." 394 00:15:00,980 --> 00:15:04,300 And we started talking more about our family dynamics. 395 00:15:04,300 --> 00:15:07,900 And he was like, "I thought you all were crazy, 396 00:15:07,900 --> 00:15:10,380 that you just thought everything was fine." 397 00:15:10,380 --> 00:15:12,980 And he's like, "I felt so alone." 398 00:15:12,980 --> 00:15:14,780 Like when I left the family, 399 00:15:14,780 --> 00:15:15,980 'cause he was much older than me 400 00:15:15,980 --> 00:15:16,980 and he left early. 401 00:15:16,980 --> 00:15:19,980 He was like, "You were like my first child to me 402 00:15:19,980 --> 00:15:21,300 'cause you were so much younger. 403 00:15:21,300 --> 00:15:23,740 And when I had to leave that sick family, 404 00:15:23,740 --> 00:15:25,660 I felt like I was abandoning you." 405 00:15:25,660 --> 00:15:27,580 I did not know that perspective, right? 406 00:15:27,580 --> 00:15:30,260 Like, and so for him, for the first time in his life, 407 00:15:30,260 --> 00:15:34,020 he had a family member because I kind of emerged out of that 408 00:15:34,020 --> 00:15:35,940 and I didn't have to write them all off. 409 00:15:35,940 --> 00:15:38,540 And I don't need the things from them 410 00:15:38,540 --> 00:15:40,740 that I thought I needed when I was younger, right? 411 00:15:40,740 --> 00:15:43,700 There was this empty bucket that I kept going to 412 00:15:43,700 --> 00:15:46,580 when I was sick thinking there would be more in it 413 00:15:46,580 --> 00:15:48,940 at some point and there just won't be. 414 00:15:48,940 --> 00:15:52,100 And like being able to build new relationships 415 00:15:52,100 --> 00:15:54,260 and being able to demonstrate these things, 416 00:15:54,260 --> 00:15:59,260 like my father would for years, for years and years, 417 00:15:59,260 --> 00:16:02,180 I mean, it had to be at least seven, eight years. 418 00:16:02,180 --> 00:16:04,940 He had this negative way of beating himself up, 419 00:16:04,940 --> 00:16:06,780 blaming himself for alcoholism, 420 00:16:06,780 --> 00:16:08,620 wishing he had stayed with my mom. 421 00:16:08,620 --> 00:16:11,140 I'm like, "I was 20 when you divorced, like it's fine. 422 00:16:11,140 --> 00:16:13,100 Like you guys are so much better." 423 00:16:13,100 --> 00:16:15,540 He's already married Kathy, I love my step-mom. 424 00:16:15,540 --> 00:16:17,980 Like I went to their wedding when I had like two years sober 425 00:16:17,980 --> 00:16:20,620 and he's doing great and I could, it was almost, 426 00:16:20,620 --> 00:16:23,300 it started to get to a point where it almost annoyed me 427 00:16:23,300 --> 00:16:25,900 and I was praying and trying to do some soul searching 428 00:16:25,900 --> 00:16:28,220 on what to, what do I do? 429 00:16:28,220 --> 00:16:30,940 Like, you know, how do we get this guy to quit? 430 00:16:30,940 --> 00:16:33,780 And I, and you know, he also had this thing of, 431 00:16:33,780 --> 00:16:35,660 well, you know, you blame the parents 432 00:16:35,660 --> 00:16:37,100 and they can blame their parents 433 00:16:37,100 --> 00:16:38,980 and they can blame their, all the way back to Adam and Eve. 434 00:16:38,980 --> 00:16:41,060 It was the snake, the snake did it, you know? 435 00:16:41,060 --> 00:16:43,420 And I'm like, "I'm not blaming anyone. 436 00:16:43,420 --> 00:16:45,140 What's this trip he's on?" 437 00:16:45,140 --> 00:16:48,740 And I told him, like, I sent him a text message actually, 438 00:16:48,740 --> 00:16:50,820 I still have it, and where I was like, 439 00:16:50,820 --> 00:16:53,340 "I love and accept you for who you are 440 00:16:53,340 --> 00:16:57,580 with all of your shortcomings, both real and imagined." 441 00:16:57,580 --> 00:17:00,700 Or I forgot how, I didn't say imagined, but, or perceived, 442 00:17:00,700 --> 00:17:02,740 that's the word, it was better. 443 00:17:02,740 --> 00:17:05,580 And you know, I love you, right? 444 00:17:05,580 --> 00:17:09,960 And it's kind of that thing where he used to always say, 445 00:17:09,960 --> 00:17:13,520 like, you can't love someone until you love yourself, 446 00:17:13,520 --> 00:17:16,340 but I don't see that that happens so much 447 00:17:16,340 --> 00:17:19,540 as someone has to demonstrate to us 448 00:17:19,540 --> 00:17:21,420 that we are worthy of love, right? 449 00:17:21,420 --> 00:17:24,060 Like, that was something that I could offer to him, 450 00:17:24,060 --> 00:17:27,660 and it did, he never talked about his life, 451 00:17:27,660 --> 00:17:30,380 his choices, his effect on me. 452 00:17:30,380 --> 00:17:32,980 It never came up again without really talking about it. 453 00:17:32,980 --> 00:17:34,940 But his only reaction was like, 454 00:17:34,940 --> 00:17:37,480 "Well, you've come a lot farther than I have, 455 00:17:37,480 --> 00:17:40,260 or may ever will, but it's fine, right?" 456 00:17:40,260 --> 00:17:43,220 It's, you know, my mom at one point said, 457 00:17:43,220 --> 00:17:45,860 "Carolyn, I do not know what empathy is, 458 00:17:45,860 --> 00:17:47,880 but I will try one time." 459 00:17:47,880 --> 00:17:49,440 And I don't know that she tried or not, 460 00:17:49,440 --> 00:17:51,940 but I've been able to demonstrate that to her, 461 00:17:51,940 --> 00:17:55,880 and that's something we get from the women around us, 462 00:17:55,880 --> 00:17:58,800 we're taught, we learn when we're guided 463 00:17:58,800 --> 00:18:01,280 by our higher power that we're connecting to, 464 00:18:01,280 --> 00:18:04,660 and like the inspiration for these things comes along, 465 00:18:04,660 --> 00:18:08,180 and this wonderful transformation can kind of come about, 466 00:18:08,180 --> 00:18:09,260 and all these relationships, 467 00:18:09,260 --> 00:18:11,180 maybe that's my Christmas story, right? 468 00:18:11,180 --> 00:18:13,980 And so it's just interesting, yeah. 469 00:18:13,980 --> 00:18:16,380 The family's been a really interesting thing, 470 00:18:16,380 --> 00:18:18,020 and I really appreciate, 471 00:18:18,020 --> 00:18:19,900 the funny thing is I wouldn't have appreciated that. 472 00:18:19,900 --> 00:18:22,140 When I was new hearing about those things, 473 00:18:22,140 --> 00:18:23,460 I wouldn't have been real excited, 474 00:18:23,460 --> 00:18:25,740 I wouldn't have recognized that's something I wanted. 475 00:18:25,740 --> 00:18:28,020 There's something about coming to life here 476 00:18:28,020 --> 00:18:31,540 that has made me even be able to appreciate these things, 477 00:18:31,540 --> 00:18:34,860 and to see life in living color, 478 00:18:34,860 --> 00:18:37,000 and to see value and meaning in people 479 00:18:37,000 --> 00:18:39,300 and our relationships with each other, 480 00:18:39,300 --> 00:18:42,220 and finding like our higher power demonstrating 481 00:18:42,220 --> 00:18:45,080 and the things we can do and the things people bring to us. 482 00:18:45,080 --> 00:18:47,020 So this year with my home group, 483 00:18:47,020 --> 00:18:50,700 after we got out of the pandemic, we're back in person, 484 00:18:50,700 --> 00:18:53,220 most of our meetings are in person at this point. 485 00:18:53,220 --> 00:18:55,940 I've heard of some Zoom and some hybrid, 486 00:18:55,940 --> 00:18:58,240 but especially with the ladies I was running with, 487 00:18:58,240 --> 00:19:00,420 they were very anxious to get back in person. 488 00:19:00,420 --> 00:19:01,740 And there had been these little things 489 00:19:01,740 --> 00:19:03,100 kind of going on through the way. 490 00:19:03,100 --> 00:19:05,600 During Zoom, my grand sponsor had a falling out 491 00:19:05,600 --> 00:19:08,860 with her sponsor over Zoom and over mass 492 00:19:08,860 --> 00:19:11,220 and outside issues. 493 00:19:11,220 --> 00:19:14,880 And then she had a falling out with my sponsor 494 00:19:14,880 --> 00:19:16,940 because my sponsor was in a hospital 495 00:19:16,940 --> 00:19:20,140 with her sister dying of alcoholic hepatitis. 496 00:19:20,140 --> 00:19:23,020 And her sponsor was like, "Where are you? 497 00:19:23,020 --> 00:19:24,700 "You should be in these meetings. 498 00:19:24,700 --> 00:19:26,780 "We have a strict routine." 499 00:19:26,780 --> 00:19:31,640 And was like, "Your sponsors know where to be. 500 00:19:31,640 --> 00:19:33,060 "Why aren't you here?" 501 00:19:33,060 --> 00:19:36,100 And so they had a bit of a falling out, right? 502 00:19:36,100 --> 00:19:39,560 And my sponsor has gotten a new sponsor down at Legacy. 503 00:19:39,560 --> 00:19:42,940 And she's still spending a lot of time in Utah. 504 00:19:42,940 --> 00:19:45,700 I'm waiting to see if she's coming back here. 505 00:19:45,700 --> 00:19:47,860 It's tough to find a meeting hall 506 00:19:47,860 --> 00:19:49,580 from what I was hearing from y'all. 507 00:19:49,580 --> 00:19:53,220 It's tough to find a place to live, 508 00:19:53,220 --> 00:19:55,780 a rent and get a lease somewhere. 509 00:19:55,780 --> 00:19:57,680 And so she's working on it. 510 00:19:57,680 --> 00:20:01,140 And I asked my grand sponsor, I was like, 511 00:20:01,140 --> 00:20:03,660 "Are you gonna be getting another sponsor?" 512 00:20:03,660 --> 00:20:06,140 And I've learned enough being around here. 513 00:20:06,140 --> 00:20:07,620 I think that's pretty important 514 00:20:07,620 --> 00:20:11,260 to have active sponsorship at every stage of the game. 515 00:20:11,260 --> 00:20:15,940 And they decided when they didn't want a sponsor 516 00:20:15,940 --> 00:20:19,860 to take a tack about, well, back in the '40s, 517 00:20:19,860 --> 00:20:21,860 the sponsor just takes you through the steps. 518 00:20:21,860 --> 00:20:24,220 I mean, you don't really need that guy, do you? 519 00:20:24,220 --> 00:20:25,660 You're not raising him or whatever. 520 00:20:25,660 --> 00:20:28,620 So it was very difficult for me 521 00:20:28,620 --> 00:20:31,020 to be in this really tight-knit group 522 00:20:31,020 --> 00:20:34,700 that was so insulated and to be like, 523 00:20:34,700 --> 00:20:38,080 I do have some understanding of this program 524 00:20:38,080 --> 00:20:41,380 and some expectations about what we should be doing 525 00:20:41,380 --> 00:20:44,260 around here and made the split off. 526 00:20:44,260 --> 00:20:45,420 It's just a Monday meeting. 527 00:20:45,420 --> 00:20:47,220 I still see them all on Wednesday and Thursday. 528 00:20:47,220 --> 00:20:48,260 We're all still pals. 529 00:20:48,260 --> 00:20:51,720 We still go to the same detoxes to be helpful, 530 00:20:51,720 --> 00:20:52,640 but that's a big deal. 531 00:20:52,640 --> 00:20:55,040 Nancy knows it's a big deal around here. 532 00:20:55,040 --> 00:20:59,580 And it has been very difficult getting, 533 00:20:59,580 --> 00:21:01,300 'cause I've been connected in H&I, 534 00:21:01,300 --> 00:21:05,320 and I've got old timers that were my service sponsors 535 00:21:05,320 --> 00:21:07,020 going into the jails and everything. 536 00:21:07,020 --> 00:21:10,140 And I ended up just going where they were at for Monday. 537 00:21:10,140 --> 00:21:13,340 Like I'm not used to having choices in meetings. 538 00:21:13,340 --> 00:21:16,460 And it's been so difficult that I just feel like 539 00:21:16,460 --> 00:21:18,780 it's even that much more important 540 00:21:18,780 --> 00:21:20,180 that I'd be able to do that 541 00:21:20,180 --> 00:21:22,000 and be connected to A as a whole. 542 00:21:22,000 --> 00:21:25,940 And some of the stuff like, oh, and it was 80% of the women. 543 00:21:25,940 --> 00:21:27,660 I was sitting in that Monday meeting 544 00:21:27,660 --> 00:21:29,980 and it's just emptying out. 545 00:21:29,980 --> 00:21:33,180 And it kind of made me tear up a little bit to see that. 546 00:21:33,180 --> 00:21:35,780 It's a remarkable change. 547 00:21:35,780 --> 00:21:39,380 On our Wednesday meeting, there was one commitment. 548 00:21:39,380 --> 00:21:41,980 She was the secretary, I guess, 549 00:21:41,980 --> 00:21:43,180 and she would pick the leader 550 00:21:43,180 --> 00:21:45,700 and keep track of what paragraph we were on. 551 00:21:45,700 --> 00:21:46,540 And that was it. 552 00:21:46,540 --> 00:21:49,020 And because she had left the group, 553 00:21:49,020 --> 00:21:51,500 she's at the meeting, but she left the home group. 554 00:21:51,500 --> 00:21:54,060 And so they gave that one commitment to someone else. 555 00:21:54,060 --> 00:21:57,420 And I was like, I don't know, I think we need traditions. 556 00:21:57,420 --> 00:21:58,860 I think traditions are pretty important. 557 00:21:58,860 --> 00:22:00,500 I think we should have been doing that. 558 00:22:00,500 --> 00:22:03,100 We were a very young home group in a, 559 00:22:03,100 --> 00:22:06,280 like coming up, we had meetings in treatment centers 560 00:22:06,280 --> 00:22:09,060 and then they got big and then they got a place to rent 561 00:22:09,060 --> 00:22:11,480 and then they got bigger and they got bigger places to rent, 562 00:22:11,480 --> 00:22:13,660 but we didn't ever incorporate traditions. 563 00:22:13,660 --> 00:22:14,900 And that's another, 564 00:22:14,900 --> 00:22:17,100 if I can tell you what didn't work out, right, 565 00:22:17,100 --> 00:22:17,980 maybe this will be, 566 00:22:17,980 --> 00:22:20,380 this tells us what we should be doing around here. 567 00:22:20,380 --> 00:22:23,100 And so I looked around at our Thursday meeting 568 00:22:23,100 --> 00:22:25,220 and we had created an oligarchy 569 00:22:25,220 --> 00:22:27,480 and I was very unpopular for this opinion, 570 00:22:27,480 --> 00:22:30,500 but I was like, there's three of us running the meeting 571 00:22:30,500 --> 00:22:32,800 and we always, we're always leading it 572 00:22:32,800 --> 00:22:34,060 'cause it was a book study. 573 00:22:34,060 --> 00:22:37,340 And the person who's leading it is counting the cash. 574 00:22:37,340 --> 00:22:38,500 I'm like, this is weird. 575 00:22:38,500 --> 00:22:39,740 What are we doing? 576 00:22:39,740 --> 00:22:43,700 And so we wrote up our script for our secretary. 577 00:22:43,700 --> 00:22:45,860 Secretary's in charge of picking. 578 00:22:45,860 --> 00:22:47,500 We like, we made motions. 579 00:22:47,500 --> 00:22:48,340 We did the voting. 580 00:22:48,340 --> 00:22:50,300 We did the, for the first time ever, 581 00:22:50,300 --> 00:22:51,940 put all of that into place. 582 00:22:51,940 --> 00:22:53,140 Thank you for the timer. 583 00:22:53,140 --> 00:22:57,380 And yeah, it's growing pains for everyone. 584 00:22:57,380 --> 00:22:59,780 And I was one of the leaders in that meeting, 585 00:22:59,780 --> 00:23:03,100 the like static forever permanent leaders. 586 00:23:03,100 --> 00:23:05,500 And the, you know, I went up to this one chick 587 00:23:05,500 --> 00:23:06,780 who's got a little more time than me. 588 00:23:06,780 --> 00:23:09,020 And I was like, I'm really looking forward 589 00:23:09,020 --> 00:23:10,600 to you leading that meeting. 590 00:23:10,600 --> 00:23:12,260 I think you've got a lot to offer 591 00:23:12,260 --> 00:23:13,900 and I can't wait to hear it. 592 00:23:13,900 --> 00:23:15,860 You know, I'm really glad you're gonna be doing it. 593 00:23:15,860 --> 00:23:18,140 And she was like, oh, that's so great. 594 00:23:18,140 --> 00:23:20,980 You know, coming from like the, you know, 595 00:23:20,980 --> 00:23:23,060 the, the guru or whatever she said. 596 00:23:23,060 --> 00:23:25,540 And I, and I thought she was messing with me 597 00:23:25,540 --> 00:23:27,460 and I was like, she really feels like that. 598 00:23:27,460 --> 00:23:31,180 I would, I want to lift up the women around me, right. 599 00:23:31,180 --> 00:23:34,460 And into commitments and into like, 600 00:23:34,460 --> 00:23:35,940 I just couldn't believe it, right. 601 00:23:35,940 --> 00:23:37,660 That, that like, there's this, 602 00:23:37,660 --> 00:23:39,460 there could be that kind of, 603 00:23:39,460 --> 00:23:42,000 it's like an inferiority complex made me sad, right. 604 00:23:42,000 --> 00:23:44,220 And I'm jazzed about it. 605 00:23:44,220 --> 00:23:46,500 I'm jazzed about some of the changes that are happening, 606 00:23:46,500 --> 00:23:49,340 but it's been, it's been uncomfortable, certainly. 607 00:23:49,340 --> 00:23:52,120 It's been, you know, the indecision 608 00:23:52,120 --> 00:23:54,740 and some of the things that were kind of hidden by that 609 00:23:54,740 --> 00:23:57,260 have had me looking at issues of like, you know, 610 00:23:57,260 --> 00:23:59,920 well, how, how do I know if I'm doing well 611 00:23:59,920 --> 00:24:00,860 around this program? 612 00:24:00,860 --> 00:24:02,900 I don't have this really like, 613 00:24:02,900 --> 00:24:04,660 well, if you're at this meeting and if you do the, 614 00:24:04,660 --> 00:24:06,820 like, I'm the kind of, I would try to go to those meetings. 615 00:24:06,820 --> 00:24:08,700 Like I'd tell my sponsor, I'm feeding blood. 616 00:24:08,700 --> 00:24:09,840 Should I go? 617 00:24:09,840 --> 00:24:12,460 No, I was like, I think I was like, I'll be there. 618 00:24:12,460 --> 00:24:13,540 I'll go to detox. 619 00:24:13,540 --> 00:24:15,580 I think I should go to like urgent care after. 620 00:24:15,580 --> 00:24:17,740 She's like, oh my God, you need to go now. 621 00:24:17,740 --> 00:24:22,420 Like I'm dedicated to out the wazoo and to just be like, 622 00:24:22,420 --> 00:24:24,580 okay, well, if I do these things they're asking 623 00:24:24,580 --> 00:24:26,940 that are really particular, then I'm doing good. 624 00:24:26,940 --> 00:24:29,340 And I'm having to turn more to my higher power. 625 00:24:29,340 --> 00:24:31,300 And sometimes I've seen, 626 00:24:31,300 --> 00:24:33,960 my heart goes out to like people who alone 627 00:24:33,960 --> 00:24:37,060 left that home group, just striking out on their own 628 00:24:37,060 --> 00:24:39,060 because there's such a loss of identity 629 00:24:39,060 --> 00:24:43,260 and so much indecision of like, am I doing well? 630 00:24:43,260 --> 00:24:45,540 Am I, am I still a valuable member? 631 00:24:45,540 --> 00:24:47,580 Will somebody tell me that I'm doing well? 632 00:24:47,580 --> 00:24:49,980 And it's been a very, 633 00:24:49,980 --> 00:24:52,060 these are things that I struggled with personally. 634 00:24:52,060 --> 00:24:53,200 This isn't anything on them. 635 00:24:53,200 --> 00:24:54,640 They didn't do this to me. 636 00:24:54,640 --> 00:24:57,120 But these were the things that I think I was struggling with 637 00:24:57,120 --> 00:25:01,420 coming in, being new, being like, am I worthy, right? 638 00:25:01,420 --> 00:25:06,100 I was always prone to having like morbid reflection 639 00:25:06,100 --> 00:25:07,540 and beating myself up. 640 00:25:07,540 --> 00:25:11,180 And I would, I'd be like, oh, I shouldn't think like that. 641 00:25:11,180 --> 00:25:14,100 It's too self-centered and I shouldn't, 642 00:25:14,100 --> 00:25:16,340 this is very not helpful to anyone. 643 00:25:16,340 --> 00:25:18,340 And we can't have morbid reflection. 644 00:25:18,340 --> 00:25:20,740 It's gotta go, I try to beat it up some more, right? 645 00:25:20,740 --> 00:25:22,260 If I beat myself up and then I'm like, 646 00:25:22,260 --> 00:25:23,580 oh no, no, no, don't do that. 647 00:25:23,580 --> 00:25:26,600 And having to kind of bring in some of that compassion, 648 00:25:26,600 --> 00:25:28,520 I learned through walking through 649 00:25:28,520 --> 00:25:30,980 that really nasty family stuff 650 00:25:30,980 --> 00:25:33,100 and having to take some self-compassion 651 00:25:33,100 --> 00:25:37,020 and getting through that and seeing how that fits in 652 00:25:37,020 --> 00:25:39,700 to sort of that depressive type of alcoholic 653 00:25:39,700 --> 00:25:41,560 moving through this program, 654 00:25:41,560 --> 00:25:44,980 getting more involved in A as a whole, like really go. 655 00:25:44,980 --> 00:25:46,660 And I used to be more like that. 656 00:25:46,660 --> 00:25:49,260 I think as time went on and I was just only 657 00:25:49,260 --> 00:25:51,680 in the same meetings with the same women, 658 00:25:51,680 --> 00:25:54,220 I lost sight of some of like some of the things 659 00:25:54,220 --> 00:25:56,920 that are really important, especially through the pandemic. 660 00:25:56,920 --> 00:25:58,900 Like putting my hand out to a newcomer 661 00:25:58,900 --> 00:26:02,120 is something I'm redoing now where it had, 662 00:26:02,120 --> 00:26:03,940 we haven't really seen as many people 663 00:26:03,940 --> 00:26:06,460 or as many clubs that are just mixing and mingling. 664 00:26:06,460 --> 00:26:08,740 So there's kind of a revival going on for me now. 665 00:26:08,740 --> 00:26:11,260 I know maybe it sounds scary and sad, 666 00:26:11,260 --> 00:26:13,040 but I really feel hopeful 667 00:26:13,040 --> 00:26:17,060 and I feel like it's gonna really be a good time, right? 668 00:26:17,060 --> 00:26:20,820 For that transition to start being a part of A as a whole. 669 00:26:20,820 --> 00:26:23,020 And I'm covering the coffee commitment. 670 00:26:23,020 --> 00:26:24,640 I've been having a good time on the holiday 671 00:26:24,640 --> 00:26:27,180 covering all my friends' panels, right? 672 00:26:27,180 --> 00:26:30,260 Going out to the homeless shelter last week, 673 00:26:30,260 --> 00:26:32,060 two panels in the past week. 674 00:26:32,060 --> 00:26:34,680 And I'm so glad to be here with all of you. 675 00:26:34,680 --> 00:26:37,260 And yeah, I'm not sure what to do 676 00:26:37,260 --> 00:26:39,740 with my last five, six minutes or so though. 677 00:26:39,740 --> 00:26:40,780 Trying to think. 678 00:26:40,780 --> 00:26:44,220 It's something that when I hear Sponsey 679 00:26:44,220 --> 00:26:47,220 talk about the way that they hate themselves or whatever, 680 00:26:47,220 --> 00:26:48,040 I say, you know what? 681 00:26:48,040 --> 00:26:50,140 That's gonna get a whole lot better 682 00:26:50,140 --> 00:26:52,000 when we start behaving better. 683 00:26:52,000 --> 00:26:54,860 When I start like getting into a better way of life 684 00:26:54,860 --> 00:26:57,320 and I'm on this honest basis 685 00:26:57,320 --> 00:26:59,340 and my higher power is gonna enable me 686 00:26:59,340 --> 00:27:02,160 to live up to some of these ideals I've had, 687 00:27:02,160 --> 00:27:04,020 like it's gonna get so much better. 688 00:27:04,020 --> 00:27:06,060 But what I'm getting an answer to now, I think, 689 00:27:06,060 --> 00:27:08,220 is that little nagging doubt 690 00:27:08,220 --> 00:27:11,060 and no matter how good I did, 691 00:27:11,060 --> 00:27:12,820 I always had a little bit of something 692 00:27:12,820 --> 00:27:14,660 that was still covered up, right? 693 00:27:14,660 --> 00:27:17,640 And so I was telling one, doing a fifth step reason, 694 00:27:17,640 --> 00:27:19,820 I was like, and if there's a little bit left over, 695 00:27:19,820 --> 00:27:21,740 we're gonna get to that too. 696 00:27:21,740 --> 00:27:23,740 We have a solution for that as well, right? 697 00:27:23,740 --> 00:27:25,620 Whatever dwells underneath 698 00:27:25,620 --> 00:27:28,620 after we've gotten on a better basis of life. 699 00:27:28,620 --> 00:27:31,940 Yeah, thanks for letting me share, you guys. 700 00:27:31,940 --> 00:27:33,780 - Thank you, Carolyn. 701 00:27:33,780 --> 00:27:35,220 - Thank you so much, Carolyn. 702 00:27:35,220 --> 00:27:36,060 - For having me. 703 00:27:36,060 --> 00:27:36,880 Thanks, guys. 704 00:27:36,880 --> 00:27:38,340 - Thank you. 705 00:27:38,340 --> 00:27:39,480 - Merry Christmas, guys. 706 00:27:39,480 --> 00:27:40,320 - Merry Christmas. 707 00:27:40,320 --> 00:27:41,140 - Merry Christmas. 708 00:27:41,140 --> 00:27:41,980 - Merry Christmas. 709 00:27:41,980 --> 00:27:43,220 - Thank you, Carolyn. 710 00:27:43,220 --> 00:27:44,060 - Thank you. 711 00:27:44,060 --> 00:27:44,880 - Bye. 712 00:27:44,880 --> 00:27:45,720 - Bye. 713 00:27:45,720 --> 00:27:46,540 - You know what else I'm doing? 714 00:27:46,540 --> 00:27:47,380 - Merry Christmas. 715 00:27:47,380 --> 00:27:48,220 - Bye. 716 00:27:48,220 --> 00:27:49,060 - See ya. 717 00:27:49,060 --> 00:27:50,660 - Bye, guys. 718 00:27:50,660 --> 00:27:51,500 - Bye. 719 00:27:51,500 --> 00:27:52,980 - Thank you for having me, Carolyn. 720 00:27:52,980 --> 00:27:54,820 - You too, thanks for having me.