1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:01,200 - Thank you very much. 2 00:00:01,200 --> 00:00:03,640 Hi, I'm Sharon, I'm an alcoholic. 3 00:00:03,640 --> 00:00:04,480 - Hi. 4 00:00:04,480 --> 00:00:08,080 - I wanna thank Scott for inviting me to be here tonight. 5 00:00:08,080 --> 00:00:11,720 And I think it's great that you're a hybrid. 6 00:00:11,720 --> 00:00:15,120 Oh, I'm hearing myself coming back at me, 7 00:00:15,120 --> 00:00:16,080 but I think it's done. 8 00:00:16,080 --> 00:00:19,280 All right, I think it's great that you're a hybrid meeting. 9 00:00:19,280 --> 00:00:22,280 I love that we have these hybrid meetings now. 10 00:00:22,280 --> 00:00:28,160 My sobriety date is September 15th, 1979. 11 00:00:28,560 --> 00:00:33,560 So last September, I celebrated 42 years of sobriety. 12 00:00:33,560 --> 00:00:35,040 Oh, thank you. 13 00:00:35,040 --> 00:00:36,840 I have a home group. 14 00:00:36,840 --> 00:00:41,440 We meet five days a week at 7 a.m. in person. 15 00:00:41,440 --> 00:00:43,520 It's a relatively new meeting. 16 00:00:43,520 --> 00:00:46,040 So it's my home group. 17 00:00:46,040 --> 00:00:50,340 And I have a sponsor, I sponsor women. 18 00:00:50,340 --> 00:00:54,680 I love AA and I love God. 19 00:00:54,680 --> 00:00:57,040 And I like to say those, 20 00:00:57,040 --> 00:00:59,640 especially the last two right up front 21 00:00:59,640 --> 00:01:03,960 because that's not how my story starts. 22 00:01:03,960 --> 00:01:09,900 I was raised in an alcoholic family. 23 00:01:09,900 --> 00:01:14,080 So my life has been about alcoholism from the get go. 24 00:01:14,080 --> 00:01:18,800 And I learned the ism very early on. 25 00:01:18,800 --> 00:01:20,720 I learned about lying. 26 00:01:20,720 --> 00:01:22,720 I learned about covering up. 27 00:01:22,720 --> 00:01:27,720 I learned about fear and shame and hiding and pretending. 28 00:01:27,720 --> 00:01:32,760 Just became all a normal part of life. 29 00:01:32,760 --> 00:01:37,760 And the kind of personality that I had, 30 00:01:37,760 --> 00:01:43,240 I was the kind of kid who at age five, five or six, 31 00:01:43,240 --> 00:01:46,240 when people would come to the house, 32 00:01:46,240 --> 00:01:48,820 I had one uncle who would give me a dollar 33 00:01:48,820 --> 00:01:52,960 and I would go immediately up the street on the corner 34 00:01:52,960 --> 00:01:54,920 was a candy store. 35 00:01:54,920 --> 00:01:58,000 And back in those days we had penny candy. 36 00:01:58,000 --> 00:02:00,920 And some of the candy was two for a penny. 37 00:02:00,920 --> 00:02:03,240 You could get two red hot dollars 38 00:02:03,240 --> 00:02:06,440 or two cowboy hats for a penny. 39 00:02:06,440 --> 00:02:08,980 So I would leave the store with a bag 40 00:02:08,980 --> 00:02:12,860 with about 130 pieces of candy in it. 41 00:02:12,860 --> 00:02:15,600 And I would go and sit behind the garage 42 00:02:15,600 --> 00:02:17,380 and eat it all myself. 43 00:02:18,400 --> 00:02:21,600 That's how I roll. 44 00:02:21,600 --> 00:02:24,480 I want it all. 45 00:02:24,480 --> 00:02:25,720 I want more. 46 00:02:25,720 --> 00:02:30,720 And so that's the way alcohol was with me. 47 00:02:30,720 --> 00:02:34,060 I knew about alcoholism. 48 00:02:34,060 --> 00:02:37,640 I knew my father was an alcoholic. 49 00:02:37,640 --> 00:02:39,640 I would watch him in the morning, 50 00:02:39,640 --> 00:02:44,000 have a shot and a beer for breakfast and he would go. 51 00:02:44,000 --> 00:02:46,740 And I knew that I wanted that. 52 00:02:46,740 --> 00:02:49,120 That became important to me. 53 00:02:49,120 --> 00:02:52,360 And I didn't fit in. 54 00:02:52,360 --> 00:02:55,800 I was never a comfortable person. 55 00:02:55,800 --> 00:02:59,300 I didn't feel like I fit into my family. 56 00:02:59,300 --> 00:03:02,660 I didn't fit in with the kids in the neighborhood. 57 00:03:02,660 --> 00:03:06,720 When I got to school, school was a nightmare for me. 58 00:03:06,720 --> 00:03:08,560 I didn't fit in there. 59 00:03:08,560 --> 00:03:11,440 It just didn't seem there. 60 00:03:11,440 --> 00:03:14,240 Bob Dylan has a song, "Joey" and he says, 61 00:03:14,240 --> 00:03:17,840 "I was on the outside of every side that was." 62 00:03:17,840 --> 00:03:19,780 And that's how I felt. 63 00:03:19,780 --> 00:03:20,840 That's how I felt. 64 00:03:20,840 --> 00:03:24,060 Always the outsider never fitting in. 65 00:03:24,060 --> 00:03:29,060 And I stole my first six pack when I was about 11. 66 00:03:29,060 --> 00:03:36,580 And I look at 11 year olds today 67 00:03:36,580 --> 00:03:39,200 and I think they're so young, 68 00:03:39,200 --> 00:03:42,080 but I knew what I was about. 69 00:03:42,080 --> 00:03:44,360 I knew what I was up to. 70 00:03:44,360 --> 00:03:49,360 And I proceeded then to start stealing liquor. 71 00:03:49,360 --> 00:03:54,120 I would babysit and I would have a jar in my bag 72 00:03:54,120 --> 00:03:56,320 and I would steal a little bit of this, 73 00:03:56,320 --> 00:03:59,480 a little bit of that and pour from their liquor cabinets 74 00:03:59,480 --> 00:04:01,520 or wherever their liquor was. 75 00:04:01,520 --> 00:04:03,680 And then I would carry that with me 76 00:04:03,680 --> 00:04:06,420 and just drink throughout the week. 77 00:04:06,420 --> 00:04:10,960 And by the time I got into high school, 78 00:04:11,960 --> 00:04:14,680 my best friend was dating a drug dealer. 79 00:04:14,680 --> 00:04:18,240 So drugs became part of my story early on. 80 00:04:18,240 --> 00:04:22,520 But the truth for me is I'm an alcoholic to the core, 81 00:04:22,520 --> 00:04:23,720 to the core. 82 00:04:23,720 --> 00:04:28,280 And I, for, again, going back to the young years, 83 00:04:28,280 --> 00:04:33,280 I believed I was a bad person, very young. 84 00:04:33,280 --> 00:04:38,600 I went to Catholic school and we go to communion 85 00:04:38,600 --> 00:04:43,600 around age seven and Sister Mary Psychopath told me 86 00:04:43,600 --> 00:04:47,280 that when I, not me, 87 00:04:47,280 --> 00:04:52,160 but when if any bad person went up to receive communion, 88 00:04:52,160 --> 00:04:55,040 the host would float away from them. 89 00:04:55,040 --> 00:04:58,820 And I lived in terror that I would be up there 90 00:04:58,820 --> 00:05:01,440 and the host would float away from me. 91 00:05:01,440 --> 00:05:03,080 And this is at age seven. 92 00:05:03,080 --> 00:05:05,800 I don't know what I could have done at age seven 93 00:05:05,800 --> 00:05:07,960 to think I was so bad, 94 00:05:07,960 --> 00:05:12,120 but I knew God didn't want any part of me. 95 00:05:12,120 --> 00:05:17,120 And even though I went to Catholic school for 13 years, 96 00:05:17,120 --> 00:05:20,520 I never believed that God loved me. 97 00:05:20,520 --> 00:05:24,860 I was driving around, this was a couple of weeks ago, 98 00:05:24,860 --> 00:05:27,040 and the thought crossed my mind. 99 00:05:27,040 --> 00:05:30,900 I am living in God's amazing grace. 100 00:05:30,900 --> 00:05:33,600 I'm just living in God's amazing grace. 101 00:05:33,600 --> 00:05:34,760 And then I thought, well, 102 00:05:34,760 --> 00:05:37,200 I wasn't living in God's amazing grace 103 00:05:37,200 --> 00:05:39,600 when I was drinking, but yes, I was. 104 00:05:39,600 --> 00:05:41,600 I just didn't see it. 105 00:05:41,600 --> 00:05:42,720 I didn't feel it. 106 00:05:42,720 --> 00:05:44,240 I couldn't own it. 107 00:05:44,240 --> 00:05:45,620 It's always there. 108 00:05:45,620 --> 00:05:48,160 It's always been there in my life. 109 00:05:48,160 --> 00:05:50,520 I just couldn't get to it. 110 00:05:50,520 --> 00:05:55,320 And by the time I got to A, I was a daily drinker. 111 00:05:55,320 --> 00:05:57,360 I was a blackout drinker. 112 00:05:57,360 --> 00:06:02,360 I did all the crazy crap that blackout drinkers do. 113 00:06:02,360 --> 00:06:05,080 Just as a couple of examples, 114 00:06:05,080 --> 00:06:07,920 I was living up in Plattsburgh, New York. 115 00:06:07,920 --> 00:06:10,460 Bill mentions Plattsburgh in his story. 116 00:06:10,460 --> 00:06:14,840 And I was passed out middle of the winter. 117 00:06:14,840 --> 00:06:18,720 It goes to five below in Plattsburgh in the winter. 118 00:06:18,720 --> 00:06:23,720 I am passed out on a snowdrift wearing just a black slip. 119 00:06:23,720 --> 00:06:28,400 And if a friend of mine hadn't come along and found me 120 00:06:28,400 --> 00:06:31,480 and carried me home and got me inside, 121 00:06:31,480 --> 00:06:34,640 I would have died on that snowdrift that night. 122 00:06:34,640 --> 00:06:35,680 Would have died. 123 00:06:35,680 --> 00:06:37,480 And the thing that still puzzles me 124 00:06:37,480 --> 00:06:40,760 is I have no idea where I got the black slip. 125 00:06:40,760 --> 00:06:43,120 I mean, those kinds of things. 126 00:06:43,120 --> 00:06:46,240 I was out, I was visiting friends 127 00:06:46,240 --> 00:06:48,800 and I went out to dinner with them and they went home 128 00:06:48,800 --> 00:06:50,960 and I said, I'll find my way back, I'm good. 129 00:06:50,960 --> 00:06:54,480 And the next morning I couldn't find my wallet. 130 00:06:54,480 --> 00:06:57,060 I'm at their house and I can't find my wallet. 131 00:06:57,060 --> 00:07:00,600 And so they said, well, let's call the bar 132 00:07:00,600 --> 00:07:03,360 and find out if you left it there. 133 00:07:03,360 --> 00:07:05,160 And it turns out that I did. 134 00:07:05,160 --> 00:07:06,840 And they were laughing at the bar 135 00:07:06,840 --> 00:07:09,620 because the wallet was at the bar 136 00:07:09,620 --> 00:07:11,600 and it was in my pants pocket. 137 00:07:11,600 --> 00:07:15,920 So they were, I was a busy little alcoholic. 138 00:07:15,920 --> 00:07:18,120 I was doing all kinds of stuff. 139 00:07:18,120 --> 00:07:20,840 I came out of blackouts in places 140 00:07:20,840 --> 00:07:23,560 with different people, with everything. 141 00:07:23,560 --> 00:07:27,040 But I would say if I talk about, 142 00:07:27,040 --> 00:07:30,360 if I think about what's the craziest thing I've ever done, 143 00:07:30,360 --> 00:07:33,040 the craziest thing I've ever done, 144 00:07:33,040 --> 00:07:35,520 I think of Jim's story. 145 00:07:35,520 --> 00:07:38,280 Jim is the guy who was the car salesman 146 00:07:38,280 --> 00:07:41,600 and he's out working for the dealership he used to own 147 00:07:41,600 --> 00:07:44,480 and he's out and he orders a sandwich and milk. 148 00:07:44,480 --> 00:07:46,720 And then he decides, he thinks, 149 00:07:46,720 --> 00:07:49,400 I could put some whiskey in my milk. 150 00:07:49,400 --> 00:07:53,520 That's the craziest thing like Jim. 151 00:07:53,520 --> 00:07:56,880 That's the craziest thing I've ever done. 152 00:07:56,880 --> 00:08:01,880 When I'm sober and I know that once I take one drink, 153 00:08:02,040 --> 00:08:04,300 I'm gonna take another drink. 154 00:08:04,300 --> 00:08:07,540 And then I have no idea what's gonna happen. 155 00:08:07,540 --> 00:08:10,400 I have no idea where I'm gonna end up, 156 00:08:10,400 --> 00:08:12,080 who I'm gonna end up with. 157 00:08:12,080 --> 00:08:14,120 The alcohol takes over. 158 00:08:14,120 --> 00:08:19,040 I turn my will and my life completely over to alcohol. 159 00:08:19,040 --> 00:08:22,560 And that's the craziest thing I've ever done. 160 00:08:22,560 --> 00:08:26,600 I've done a lot of stupid stuff, a lot of dangerous stuff. 161 00:08:26,600 --> 00:08:28,840 But the craziest thing I've ever done 162 00:08:28,840 --> 00:08:31,000 is taking that first drink 163 00:08:31,000 --> 00:08:33,680 when I know where it's gonna take me. 164 00:08:33,680 --> 00:08:36,920 But I'm an alcoholic and I'm bodily 165 00:08:36,920 --> 00:08:39,640 and mentally different from my fellows. 166 00:08:39,640 --> 00:08:44,640 And I am gonna take that drink and I was drinking to die. 167 00:08:44,640 --> 00:08:46,760 I didn't care what happened to me. 168 00:08:46,760 --> 00:08:49,460 I didn't care what happened to you. 169 00:08:49,460 --> 00:08:53,620 I just wanted out, just wanted out. 170 00:08:53,620 --> 00:08:56,980 And I thought that's how I would live out my life. 171 00:08:56,980 --> 00:09:01,400 I would be an alcoholic loser completely checked out 172 00:09:01,400 --> 00:09:03,720 till it was time to check out. 173 00:09:03,720 --> 00:09:06,800 And I'm not one of those people who thinks, 174 00:09:06,800 --> 00:09:11,120 well, if I drink now, I'll die. 175 00:09:11,120 --> 00:09:12,440 That's not my fears. 176 00:09:12,440 --> 00:09:13,720 If I drink now, I die. 177 00:09:13,720 --> 00:09:16,840 My fear is that if I drank now, I wouldn't die. 178 00:09:16,840 --> 00:09:21,480 And I'd go back into that horrible, lonely, angry, 179 00:09:21,480 --> 00:09:24,880 godless place that I don't wanna be in. 180 00:09:24,880 --> 00:09:27,660 I love my life in sobriety. 181 00:09:27,660 --> 00:09:30,340 And when I got to this program, 182 00:09:30,340 --> 00:09:35,200 I was so filled with shame, so filled with anger, 183 00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:39,480 so filled with rage, so embarrassed, 184 00:09:39,480 --> 00:09:44,480 so self-hating that I couldn't stand it. 185 00:09:44,480 --> 00:09:47,640 I couldn't stand it. 186 00:09:47,640 --> 00:09:52,640 I had no idea how to live without alcohol, no idea. 187 00:09:53,060 --> 00:09:56,620 And to me, I was all, thought it was all about like, 188 00:09:56,620 --> 00:09:57,500 how do I not drink? 189 00:09:57,500 --> 00:09:58,480 How do I not drink? 190 00:09:58,480 --> 00:09:59,400 How do I not drink? 191 00:09:59,400 --> 00:10:02,160 The question should have been, how do I live sober? 192 00:10:02,160 --> 00:10:03,520 How do I live sober? 193 00:10:03,520 --> 00:10:04,920 But I didn't get it. 194 00:10:04,920 --> 00:10:06,560 I didn't know what I didn't know 195 00:10:06,560 --> 00:10:08,640 when I got into the program. 196 00:10:08,640 --> 00:10:12,620 And I'm not, clearly from what I just said, 197 00:10:12,620 --> 00:10:15,120 I'm not one of those people who was like, 198 00:10:15,120 --> 00:10:19,460 I got to AA and I was so desperate. 199 00:10:19,460 --> 00:10:23,240 I surrendered and I did what they told me to do. 200 00:10:23,240 --> 00:10:28,240 And I felt at home, I hated being in AA. 201 00:10:28,240 --> 00:10:30,800 I hated you people. 202 00:10:30,800 --> 00:10:34,920 I hated the crazy crap with all your slogans, 203 00:10:34,920 --> 00:10:39,200 let go and let God, live and let live, easy does it. 204 00:10:39,200 --> 00:10:41,240 And they had that, they were all talking 205 00:10:41,240 --> 00:10:44,880 about the footprints in the sand thing back then. 206 00:10:44,880 --> 00:10:48,040 And I'd be like, these people stay up at night 207 00:10:48,040 --> 00:10:51,760 thinking of crazy crap to say in these meetings. 208 00:10:51,760 --> 00:10:56,760 And it just was horrible for me being here. 209 00:10:56,760 --> 00:11:01,960 And I didn't, so all of these things are happening. 210 00:11:01,960 --> 00:11:03,720 People would say to me, Sharon, 211 00:11:03,720 --> 00:11:05,720 why do you even keep coming back? 212 00:11:05,720 --> 00:11:07,080 Why do you come back? 213 00:11:07,080 --> 00:11:12,080 And I think my spirit knew I needed to be here, 214 00:11:12,080 --> 00:11:15,320 but my mind just fought it. 215 00:11:15,320 --> 00:11:19,920 And I stayed with the, just say no, just say no, 216 00:11:19,920 --> 00:11:21,560 Sharon, get a sponsor. 217 00:11:21,560 --> 00:11:24,080 No, Sharon, work the steps. 218 00:11:24,080 --> 00:11:27,120 No, those steps are vague and stupid. 219 00:11:27,120 --> 00:11:28,840 I don't need those steps. 220 00:11:28,840 --> 00:11:30,320 I have real problems. 221 00:11:30,320 --> 00:11:33,240 Those steps are not gonna solve my problems. 222 00:11:33,240 --> 00:11:38,240 Imagine that, those steps are so elegant and so beautiful 223 00:11:38,240 --> 00:11:43,280 and are such a design for living for an alcoholic like me, 224 00:11:43,280 --> 00:11:44,960 but I couldn't see it. 225 00:11:44,960 --> 00:11:46,480 I couldn't get to it. 226 00:11:46,480 --> 00:11:48,960 If they had a contest, 227 00:11:48,960 --> 00:11:51,840 I would have won as Little Miss Contempt 228 00:11:51,840 --> 00:11:54,160 prior to investigation. 229 00:11:54,160 --> 00:11:56,440 That's what my sash would say, 230 00:11:56,440 --> 00:12:00,080 Little Miss Contempt prior to investigation. 231 00:12:00,080 --> 00:12:03,280 And I said no to everything. 232 00:12:03,280 --> 00:12:05,400 I would do nothing. 233 00:12:05,400 --> 00:12:09,800 I'd show up, I'd sit in the back and I just had contempt. 234 00:12:09,800 --> 00:12:14,480 And I'd be like, oh, oh, and I got sober in Hollywood. 235 00:12:14,480 --> 00:12:15,760 I don't know where you guys are, 236 00:12:15,760 --> 00:12:17,640 but I got sober in Hollywood. 237 00:12:17,640 --> 00:12:22,000 And people would be like, God gave me my own TV show. 238 00:12:22,000 --> 00:12:24,840 Oh, God gave me a new boyfriend 239 00:12:24,840 --> 00:12:28,360 and we're going bicycling in the South of France. 240 00:12:28,360 --> 00:12:31,920 Oh, my new boyfriend says I don't have to work. 241 00:12:31,920 --> 00:12:35,440 I can just devote all my time to writing my book. 242 00:12:35,440 --> 00:12:39,880 And I'm like, God is giving me nothing. 243 00:12:39,880 --> 00:12:41,320 Nothing. 244 00:12:41,320 --> 00:12:43,760 I have no God in my life. 245 00:12:43,760 --> 00:12:45,000 This sucks. 246 00:12:45,000 --> 00:12:46,800 You people suck. 247 00:12:46,800 --> 00:12:48,400 Where's mine? 248 00:12:48,400 --> 00:12:52,240 I wanted, I thought just 'cause I stopped drinking, 249 00:12:52,240 --> 00:12:55,080 all of this stuff should just start happening, 250 00:12:55,080 --> 00:12:57,280 that I should get it all. 251 00:12:57,280 --> 00:12:59,760 I had no idea about the work we do. 252 00:12:59,760 --> 00:13:02,760 I had no idea that constant thought of others 253 00:13:02,760 --> 00:13:05,120 and out of self into service. 254 00:13:05,120 --> 00:13:08,960 I was completely locked in the bondage of self. 255 00:13:08,960 --> 00:13:12,120 The image I have of myself in early recovery 256 00:13:12,120 --> 00:13:16,680 is like a cornet, a cornet, a hornet in a coffee can. 257 00:13:16,680 --> 00:13:19,960 And I'm slamming around inside this coffee can, 258 00:13:19,960 --> 00:13:22,720 just slamming, I'm furious. 259 00:13:22,720 --> 00:13:24,280 And there's no lid on it. 260 00:13:24,280 --> 00:13:26,400 There's no lid on the coffee can. 261 00:13:26,400 --> 00:13:30,320 I am just consumed by the bondage of self. 262 00:13:30,320 --> 00:13:33,200 And later I realized the truth of it. 263 00:13:33,200 --> 00:13:36,760 All my anger, all the contempt that I felt 264 00:13:36,760 --> 00:13:38,880 was to cover up my fear. 265 00:13:38,880 --> 00:13:42,000 I had too, by many fears, 266 00:13:42,000 --> 00:13:46,160 my first fear was that AA was gonna work for all of you 267 00:13:46,160 --> 00:13:47,880 and it wasn't gonna work for me. 268 00:13:47,880 --> 00:13:50,960 My second fear was that God was gonna be there for you 269 00:13:50,960 --> 00:13:53,680 and God wasn't gonna be there for me. 270 00:13:53,680 --> 00:13:57,800 And my third fear was as soon as you found out who I was, 271 00:13:57,800 --> 00:13:59,520 you were gonna throw me away. 272 00:13:59,520 --> 00:14:04,520 So I spent two years showing up at meetings, 273 00:14:04,520 --> 00:14:08,280 getting crazier and crazier 274 00:14:08,280 --> 00:14:10,960 because I'm not working the steps. 275 00:14:10,960 --> 00:14:13,560 I'm not getting the help that I need. 276 00:14:13,560 --> 00:14:16,360 So I'm just folding in on myself. 277 00:14:16,360 --> 00:14:20,000 The bondage of self is really tearing me apart. 278 00:14:20,000 --> 00:14:22,920 And so I decide, 279 00:14:22,920 --> 00:14:25,520 I mean, little things were starting to happen, 280 00:14:25,520 --> 00:14:27,200 but the biggest change, the biggest, 281 00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:29,800 well, first change that started to happen, 282 00:14:29,800 --> 00:14:31,840 an understanding that I got, 283 00:14:31,840 --> 00:14:33,720 I'm sitting in my Sunday meeting, 284 00:14:33,720 --> 00:14:35,280 I'm sitting next to this guy. 285 00:14:35,280 --> 00:14:38,520 I'm like, not talking, not doing anything. 286 00:14:38,520 --> 00:14:41,240 And a drunk comes in the back of the room, 287 00:14:41,240 --> 00:14:44,360 guy who's drunk and he's yelling and he's carrying on 288 00:14:44,360 --> 00:14:46,280 and he's calling people names. 289 00:14:46,280 --> 00:14:49,200 And the guys got him and got him some coffee 290 00:14:49,200 --> 00:14:50,560 and sat down with him. 291 00:14:50,560 --> 00:14:52,160 And the guy sitting next to me goes, 292 00:14:52,160 --> 00:14:54,240 "Oh, I hate that, I hate that." 293 00:14:54,240 --> 00:14:56,880 When they come in, "I hate that, don't you hate that?" 294 00:14:56,880 --> 00:15:01,480 And I suddenly realized, no, I don't hate that. 295 00:15:01,480 --> 00:15:03,200 I am that. 296 00:15:03,200 --> 00:15:06,600 I would be way more comfortable showing up, 297 00:15:06,600 --> 00:15:11,120 making a fool of myself, yelling, calling people names, 298 00:15:11,120 --> 00:15:16,120 than trying to show up and be a responsible caring person 299 00:15:16,120 --> 00:15:18,520 because I didn't know how to do that. 300 00:15:18,520 --> 00:15:20,080 And I didn't want to admit 301 00:15:20,080 --> 00:15:22,200 that I didn't know how to do that. 302 00:15:22,200 --> 00:15:25,040 That was a big realization for me. 303 00:15:25,040 --> 00:15:28,120 So I'm keeping this up for two years 304 00:15:28,120 --> 00:15:31,360 and at two years I decide I can't take it anymore. 305 00:15:31,360 --> 00:15:35,360 You people need to know exactly what I think about you. 306 00:15:35,360 --> 00:15:38,960 Like you really need to know exactly what I think about you. 307 00:15:38,960 --> 00:15:42,440 So I go to this meeting on Hollywood Boulevard 308 00:15:42,440 --> 00:15:44,160 at the old USO Club. 309 00:15:44,160 --> 00:15:46,880 And when they say, "Okay, it's open for sharing," 310 00:15:46,880 --> 00:15:50,400 my hand shoots up and I go off like Linda Blair 311 00:15:50,400 --> 00:15:51,840 in "The Exorcist." 312 00:15:51,840 --> 00:15:55,640 I'm calling you people blankety blank hypocrites, 313 00:15:55,640 --> 00:15:58,960 blankety blank liars, blankety blank this, 314 00:15:58,960 --> 00:16:00,200 blankety blank that. 315 00:16:00,200 --> 00:16:03,080 And those people just laugh, they just laugh. 316 00:16:03,080 --> 00:16:05,400 So I thought, well, they're gonna come up at break 317 00:16:05,400 --> 00:16:07,000 and tell me that I have to leave 318 00:16:07,000 --> 00:16:09,640 because I'm not talking the AA talk. 319 00:16:09,640 --> 00:16:12,120 And they came up to me at break and said, 320 00:16:12,120 --> 00:16:13,680 "We hope you come back. 321 00:16:13,680 --> 00:16:16,680 It's great you can get in touch with your anger like that 322 00:16:16,680 --> 00:16:18,200 and we hope you come back." 323 00:16:18,200 --> 00:16:23,200 Now I was convinced that as soon as you saw who I was 324 00:16:23,200 --> 00:16:26,160 and how I was feeling, you would throw me away. 325 00:16:26,160 --> 00:16:28,240 But what I realized that night is 326 00:16:28,240 --> 00:16:31,120 I was the one throwing myself away. 327 00:16:31,120 --> 00:16:34,200 AA never throws anybody away. 328 00:16:34,200 --> 00:16:36,960 Every time I didn't put my hand out 329 00:16:36,960 --> 00:16:39,960 to a newer person in the room, 330 00:16:39,960 --> 00:16:42,360 every time I didn't put my hand up 331 00:16:42,360 --> 00:16:44,640 to identify as an alcoholic, 332 00:16:44,640 --> 00:16:47,440 every time people would give me their phone numbers 333 00:16:47,440 --> 00:16:48,920 and I'd throw them away, 334 00:16:48,920 --> 00:16:51,320 every time I didn't call someone, 335 00:16:51,320 --> 00:16:53,640 I was throwing myself away. 336 00:16:53,640 --> 00:16:56,600 And I had to learn. 337 00:16:56,600 --> 00:17:00,200 I didn't, I thought I should just get this program. 338 00:17:00,200 --> 00:17:03,000 I thought I should just know how to be sober. 339 00:17:03,000 --> 00:17:06,760 And that's not the way it was for me as an alcoholic. 340 00:17:06,760 --> 00:17:08,840 I had to become teachable. 341 00:17:08,840 --> 00:17:10,840 I had to become teachable. 342 00:17:10,840 --> 00:17:14,200 And shortly after that, I was at another meeting 343 00:17:14,200 --> 00:17:17,120 and they were sharing, 344 00:17:17,120 --> 00:17:19,040 the leader was sharing about his daughter 345 00:17:19,040 --> 00:17:21,080 who was dying of cancer. 346 00:17:21,080 --> 00:17:23,960 And he was talking about how grateful he was 347 00:17:23,960 --> 00:17:26,720 to be a sober alcoholic and a sober dad 348 00:17:26,720 --> 00:17:28,160 to be there for his daughter. 349 00:17:28,160 --> 00:17:31,640 And I got called on to share that night 350 00:17:31,640 --> 00:17:33,240 and I started crying 351 00:17:33,240 --> 00:17:36,520 because my father was dying of cancer at the time. 352 00:17:36,520 --> 00:17:38,200 And as soon as the meeting was over, 353 00:17:38,200 --> 00:17:42,200 I ran for the door because I didn't need your sympathy. 354 00:17:42,200 --> 00:17:43,560 I didn't need your pity. 355 00:17:43,560 --> 00:17:47,000 I had to get out of there because I had cried. 356 00:17:47,000 --> 00:17:50,240 And I swore you people were never gonna see me cry. 357 00:17:50,240 --> 00:17:52,800 And a guy stops me, he says, Sharon, wait. 358 00:17:52,800 --> 00:17:55,800 And he says, my father just died of cancer. 359 00:17:55,800 --> 00:17:57,480 I know what you're going through 360 00:17:57,480 --> 00:17:59,520 and I want you to know I love you. 361 00:17:59,520 --> 00:18:02,200 And I said, thanks, bye, and hit the door, 362 00:18:02,200 --> 00:18:04,640 being the giver that I was at the time. 363 00:18:04,640 --> 00:18:08,720 And I decided I'm never going back to that meeting again. 364 00:18:08,720 --> 00:18:11,080 I never wanna see any of those people again. 365 00:18:11,080 --> 00:18:14,480 And I had to stop because that's what my drinking was about. 366 00:18:14,480 --> 00:18:15,880 Can't go back there. 367 00:18:15,880 --> 00:18:18,280 Can't look that person in the eye again. 368 00:18:18,280 --> 00:18:20,600 Gotta get out of here, can't go. 369 00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:23,680 And I thought my sobriety cannot look like that. 370 00:18:23,680 --> 00:18:26,000 I have to be able to go anywhere. 371 00:18:26,000 --> 00:18:28,040 And I went back and that guy said, 372 00:18:28,040 --> 00:18:30,200 I was afraid you weren't gonna come back. 373 00:18:30,200 --> 00:18:31,360 And I'm glad you did 374 00:18:31,360 --> 00:18:34,120 because I feel like I have a friend here now. 375 00:18:34,120 --> 00:18:37,760 And I, the image I have that day 376 00:18:37,760 --> 00:18:41,280 is that I had this big stone wall around me 377 00:18:41,280 --> 00:18:42,920 and I was on the side of it 378 00:18:42,920 --> 00:18:46,960 that was dark and damp all the time 379 00:18:46,960 --> 00:18:51,960 that I was alone in this darkness all the time. 380 00:18:51,960 --> 00:18:55,840 And when he said that, it was like some of that wall 381 00:18:55,840 --> 00:18:59,240 just crumbled away, just a little piece of it. 382 00:18:59,240 --> 00:19:03,360 And the sunlight of the spirit came through and touched me. 383 00:19:03,360 --> 00:19:07,320 And I'd like to say it was a wonderful moment 384 00:19:07,320 --> 00:19:09,920 because really all I wanted all my life 385 00:19:09,920 --> 00:19:12,280 was for someone to care about me. 386 00:19:12,280 --> 00:19:15,440 And here was this person caring about me 387 00:19:15,440 --> 00:19:17,520 and it actually hurt. 388 00:19:17,520 --> 00:19:19,400 I didn't know how to take it in. 389 00:19:19,400 --> 00:19:21,560 I didn't know what to do with it. 390 00:19:21,560 --> 00:19:23,800 I felt so uncomfortable. 391 00:19:23,800 --> 00:19:27,480 But once I was touched by the sunlight of the spirit, 392 00:19:27,480 --> 00:19:30,760 my heart started opening to this program 393 00:19:30,760 --> 00:19:32,840 and I became teachable. 394 00:19:32,840 --> 00:19:36,160 And I finally got a sponsor 395 00:19:36,160 --> 00:19:39,600 and my sponsor was this woman 396 00:19:39,600 --> 00:19:41,720 who I had seen at meetings. 397 00:19:41,720 --> 00:19:46,000 And I had said, well, she only sponsors popular people. 398 00:19:46,000 --> 00:19:47,480 Oh, she only does blah, blah, blah. 399 00:19:47,480 --> 00:19:48,760 Oh, she's this, oh, she's that. 400 00:19:48,760 --> 00:19:51,040 I'm not gonna ask her to sponsor me. 401 00:19:51,040 --> 00:19:54,680 And when I finally asked her to sponsor me two years in, 402 00:19:54,680 --> 00:19:57,920 she said, of course, sweetheart, I'd love to. 403 00:19:57,920 --> 00:19:59,960 And she told me that I had to be 404 00:19:59,960 --> 00:20:02,280 a loving and forgiving person. 405 00:20:02,280 --> 00:20:07,000 And I thought, oh, geez, I've made a huge mistake. 406 00:20:07,000 --> 00:20:11,280 This woman is crazy 'cause I'm all about payback 407 00:20:11,280 --> 00:20:13,800 for wrongs real or imagined. 408 00:20:13,800 --> 00:20:16,880 And now she's telling me I have to be loving and forgiving. 409 00:20:16,880 --> 00:20:18,280 I was like horrified. 410 00:20:18,280 --> 00:20:20,600 And I had real problems. 411 00:20:20,600 --> 00:20:23,560 I mean, I needed a job. 412 00:20:23,560 --> 00:20:24,920 I needed a boyfriend. 413 00:20:24,920 --> 00:20:26,280 I needed a car. 414 00:20:26,280 --> 00:20:27,680 I needed all of this stuff. 415 00:20:27,680 --> 00:20:28,840 I had problems. 416 00:20:28,840 --> 00:20:31,120 And the book seemed inadequate. 417 00:20:31,120 --> 00:20:33,080 The steps seemed inadequate. 418 00:20:33,080 --> 00:20:35,400 God, I didn't trust. 419 00:20:35,400 --> 00:20:38,840 And I had to learn how to use these tools 420 00:20:38,840 --> 00:20:41,560 that were put in my hands. 421 00:20:41,560 --> 00:20:46,560 The book is a textbook on how alcoholics can live life. 422 00:20:46,560 --> 00:20:49,160 It tells me what to do when I wake up in the morning. 423 00:20:49,160 --> 00:20:51,280 It tells me what to do before I go to bed at night. 424 00:20:51,280 --> 00:20:53,720 It tells me what to do if I'm angry. 425 00:20:53,720 --> 00:20:57,000 I mean, it lays everything out for me. 426 00:20:57,000 --> 00:20:58,080 I couldn't see that. 427 00:20:58,080 --> 00:21:01,000 I'm on every page of that book. 428 00:21:01,000 --> 00:21:02,200 I couldn't see that. 429 00:21:02,200 --> 00:21:04,160 I had to get over myself. 430 00:21:04,160 --> 00:21:07,560 My recovery has been me getting over me, 431 00:21:07,560 --> 00:21:10,800 Sharon getting over the bondage of self 432 00:21:10,800 --> 00:21:13,040 again and again and again. 433 00:21:13,040 --> 00:21:17,040 And the steps, I just, I want to jump ahead. 434 00:21:17,040 --> 00:21:18,880 You know, when I'm early in my sobriety, 435 00:21:18,880 --> 00:21:21,040 I was talking to this woman and I said, 436 00:21:21,040 --> 00:21:23,840 I felt like I'm walking, I'm going through a maze 437 00:21:23,840 --> 00:21:26,480 and I'm slamming into the wall and I get up and I run 438 00:21:26,480 --> 00:21:29,000 and I slam into the wall and I get up and I run. 439 00:21:29,000 --> 00:21:30,520 And she says, Sharon, stop. 440 00:21:30,520 --> 00:21:33,000 Just why don't you sit down in the maze 441 00:21:33,000 --> 00:21:34,400 and let God guide you? 442 00:21:34,400 --> 00:21:36,320 And I was like, that's unacceptable. 443 00:21:36,320 --> 00:21:37,840 Tell me to dye my hair. 444 00:21:37,840 --> 00:21:39,120 Give me something to do. 445 00:21:39,120 --> 00:21:42,120 Don't tell me to sit down in the maze and let God guide me. 446 00:21:42,120 --> 00:21:44,160 That's really stupid. 447 00:21:44,160 --> 00:21:46,120 That's what works for me today. 448 00:21:46,120 --> 00:21:50,160 You know, once I got, I came in here with a God, 449 00:21:50,160 --> 00:21:52,400 again, Sister Mary psychopath. 450 00:21:52,400 --> 00:21:54,160 I'm really afraid of God. 451 00:21:54,160 --> 00:21:55,520 God's going to punish me. 452 00:21:55,520 --> 00:21:57,760 God's going to shoot me to hell. 453 00:21:57,760 --> 00:22:02,760 AA gave me this loving God, this amazing, amazing loving God. 454 00:22:02,760 --> 00:22:08,120 And I got my God sort of set up in my head 455 00:22:08,120 --> 00:22:10,680 when I heard that joke about the guy on the roof 456 00:22:10,680 --> 00:22:13,440 in the flood and he won't get in the boat. 457 00:22:13,440 --> 00:22:16,160 He won't get in the helicopter and God says, 458 00:22:16,160 --> 00:22:18,960 I, you know, I wanted God to do it my way 459 00:22:18,960 --> 00:22:21,080 when God didn't do it my way. 460 00:22:21,080 --> 00:22:23,680 I just said, well, God doesn't care about me. 461 00:22:23,680 --> 00:22:24,520 That's it. 462 00:22:24,520 --> 00:22:26,880 'Cause I wanted what I wanted when I wanted it 463 00:22:26,880 --> 00:22:30,280 and if God didn't do it, then God doesn't care about me. 464 00:22:30,280 --> 00:22:32,920 I had to learn about life on life's terms. 465 00:22:32,920 --> 00:22:35,360 I don't get a boat in life on life's terms. 466 00:22:35,360 --> 00:22:38,680 I just get to show up and be a good participant. 467 00:22:38,680 --> 00:22:41,400 And if I read the book and if I work this program, 468 00:22:41,400 --> 00:22:44,240 I show up and I get to be of service. 469 00:22:44,240 --> 00:22:48,560 So fast forward about nine years ago, 470 00:22:48,560 --> 00:22:53,560 my sister who had Down syndrome got Alzheimer's 471 00:22:53,560 --> 00:22:57,840 and she had been living in a program, 472 00:22:57,840 --> 00:22:59,880 an adaptive living program. 473 00:22:59,880 --> 00:23:02,080 And when she couldn't walk anymore, 474 00:23:02,080 --> 00:23:04,560 she moved into my house with me 475 00:23:04,560 --> 00:23:09,560 and I had to work the steps. 476 00:23:10,400 --> 00:23:14,960 I had to use the tools that were presented. 477 00:23:14,960 --> 00:23:16,960 When she was first diagnosed, 478 00:23:16,960 --> 00:23:19,680 I can remember sitting on the couch, 479 00:23:19,680 --> 00:23:22,200 not wanting to get off the couch, 480 00:23:22,200 --> 00:23:25,120 being all like, oh, what am I gonna do? 481 00:23:25,120 --> 00:23:27,280 How am I gonna handle this? 482 00:23:27,280 --> 00:23:32,280 Oh, oh me, me, me, me, me, making it all about me. 483 00:23:32,280 --> 00:23:35,400 One of my big character defects. 484 00:23:35,400 --> 00:23:39,240 And what I had to do is I had to pull step one in. 485 00:23:39,240 --> 00:23:42,800 Sharon, you're powerless over your sister's Alzheimer's. 486 00:23:42,800 --> 00:23:45,720 Yes, your life is gonna be unmanageable. 487 00:23:45,720 --> 00:23:47,920 Accept that, don't fight it. 488 00:23:47,920 --> 00:23:50,600 Acceptance is the key to all my dilemmas. 489 00:23:50,600 --> 00:23:52,640 The book is clear about that. 490 00:23:52,640 --> 00:23:55,520 Acceptance is the key to all my dilemmas. 491 00:23:55,520 --> 00:23:58,280 Then I had to get down into step two 492 00:23:58,280 --> 00:24:00,280 and look at my insanity. 493 00:24:00,280 --> 00:24:03,160 For me today, my character defects, 494 00:24:03,160 --> 00:24:06,920 if a situation occurs, it's just a situation 495 00:24:06,920 --> 00:24:09,800 until I throw my character defects at it. 496 00:24:09,800 --> 00:24:12,920 So when I'm sitting on the couch being depressed, 497 00:24:12,920 --> 00:24:16,040 being angry, filled with self-pity, 498 00:24:16,040 --> 00:24:19,360 filled with self, self, self, self, self, anything, 499 00:24:19,360 --> 00:24:23,200 I'm not gonna be of maximum service in God's world. 500 00:24:23,200 --> 00:24:26,840 I have to get over myself one more time. 501 00:24:26,840 --> 00:24:30,560 So I have to look at what my character defects are, 502 00:24:30,560 --> 00:24:33,720 my fear, my self-pity, all of that. 503 00:24:33,720 --> 00:24:36,440 And then I have to get it down into step three. 504 00:24:36,440 --> 00:24:38,840 I have to get all of that to God 505 00:24:38,840 --> 00:24:41,920 so that I can be restored to sanity. 506 00:24:41,920 --> 00:24:45,640 And what I learned, I learned so many things. 507 00:24:45,640 --> 00:24:49,600 These steps are incredible. 508 00:24:49,600 --> 00:24:54,120 And one night my sister was having trouble breathing. 509 00:24:54,120 --> 00:24:57,160 I don't know if any of you have experience with Alzheimer's, 510 00:24:57,160 --> 00:24:59,400 but it's a terrible disease. 511 00:24:59,400 --> 00:25:02,320 And she couldn't feed herself, she couldn't walk, 512 00:25:02,320 --> 00:25:05,280 she couldn't talk, she couldn't lift her arms. 513 00:25:05,280 --> 00:25:09,840 She lost the ability to do pretty much anything. 514 00:25:09,840 --> 00:25:13,200 And she had trouble breathing at times. 515 00:25:13,200 --> 00:25:16,000 And one night there was an incident with her breathing 516 00:25:16,000 --> 00:25:19,720 and I started to panic and I took care of the situation. 517 00:25:19,720 --> 00:25:21,480 I did what I needed to do. 518 00:25:21,480 --> 00:25:23,360 And when she was all settled down, 519 00:25:23,360 --> 00:25:26,760 I was in the living room pacing, pacing. 520 00:25:26,760 --> 00:25:29,760 And all of a sudden the words came to me, 521 00:25:29,760 --> 00:25:34,040 "Sharon, why don't you sit down and let God guide you?" 522 00:25:34,040 --> 00:25:35,680 And I sat down. 523 00:25:35,680 --> 00:25:39,200 Now what I have learned about the 11 step, 524 00:25:39,200 --> 00:25:42,600 when I turned 50 many years ago, 525 00:25:42,600 --> 00:25:46,760 I gave myself a silent meditation retreat as a gift 526 00:25:46,760 --> 00:25:48,560 because I was having trouble. 527 00:25:48,560 --> 00:25:50,720 I'm not good at it, I'm not a good meditator. 528 00:25:50,720 --> 00:25:54,760 Like sit down 20 minutes every day, blah, blah, blah. 529 00:25:54,760 --> 00:25:55,880 Still not good at that. 530 00:25:55,880 --> 00:25:58,400 So I'm at this silent meditation retreat 531 00:25:58,400 --> 00:25:59,400 when the first thing they say is, 532 00:25:59,400 --> 00:26:01,200 "Okay, we're gonna sit for an hour." 533 00:26:01,200 --> 00:26:03,880 Oh good, okay, let's sit for an hour. 534 00:26:03,880 --> 00:26:05,720 By the end of that hour, 535 00:26:05,720 --> 00:26:07,840 I wanted to get up and kick everyone 536 00:26:07,840 --> 00:26:09,600 in that room in the head. 537 00:26:09,600 --> 00:26:12,080 I wanted to scratch their faces. 538 00:26:12,080 --> 00:26:13,880 I wanted to scream. 539 00:26:13,880 --> 00:26:14,800 Yeah, I did. 540 00:26:14,800 --> 00:26:15,640 Yeah, I did. 541 00:26:15,640 --> 00:26:19,920 And what I realized at that silent meditation retreat 542 00:26:19,920 --> 00:26:22,560 was I had a little bit of work to do, 543 00:26:22,560 --> 00:26:26,720 but meditation is not only listening to God. 544 00:26:26,720 --> 00:26:28,840 You know, they say prayer is talking to God, 545 00:26:28,840 --> 00:26:30,640 meditation is listening. 546 00:26:30,640 --> 00:26:34,280 It's a way to emotionally detox. 547 00:26:34,280 --> 00:26:37,080 I physically detoxed a number of times. 548 00:26:37,080 --> 00:26:38,600 I know all about that. 549 00:26:38,600 --> 00:26:41,920 I didn't realize about emotional detoxing 550 00:26:41,920 --> 00:26:45,000 that when I get filled with some kind of emotion, 551 00:26:45,000 --> 00:26:48,840 if I can sit down and connect to my breath 552 00:26:48,840 --> 00:26:51,560 and connect to God, I'm okay. 553 00:26:51,560 --> 00:26:53,600 I'm okay right in that moment. 554 00:26:53,600 --> 00:26:55,880 When my sister was with me, 555 00:26:55,880 --> 00:26:57,120 every day I would say, 556 00:26:57,120 --> 00:26:58,920 "Sharon, be where your feet are, 557 00:26:58,920 --> 00:27:01,320 "not where your mind wants to go." 558 00:27:01,320 --> 00:27:04,000 'Cause if I go into the past, I get angry. 559 00:27:04,000 --> 00:27:06,880 If I go into the future, I get scared. 560 00:27:06,880 --> 00:27:09,880 But if I stay in the present, I'm okay. 561 00:27:09,880 --> 00:27:11,040 I'm okay. 562 00:27:11,040 --> 00:27:16,040 And God gave me the resources and the love to get through. 563 00:27:16,040 --> 00:27:18,320 I believe we can get through anything 564 00:27:18,320 --> 00:27:20,240 we have to get through sober 565 00:27:20,240 --> 00:27:23,000 because we get the love and support that we need 566 00:27:23,000 --> 00:27:25,080 from this program to do that. 567 00:27:25,080 --> 00:27:30,000 And I had heard the difference 568 00:27:30,000 --> 00:27:33,600 between having faith in God and trusting God. 569 00:27:33,600 --> 00:27:36,440 And having faith in God is believing 570 00:27:36,440 --> 00:27:40,240 that God can push a wheelbarrow across a tightrope. 571 00:27:40,240 --> 00:27:41,600 I think God could do that. 572 00:27:41,600 --> 00:27:43,360 My God could certainly do that. 573 00:27:43,360 --> 00:27:45,200 But trusting God is being willing 574 00:27:45,200 --> 00:27:46,920 to get in that wheelbarrow. 575 00:27:46,920 --> 00:27:48,360 And when I first heard that, I was like, 576 00:27:48,360 --> 00:27:50,000 "Oh, I don't think so. 577 00:27:50,000 --> 00:27:52,600 "I don't think I'd get in that wheelbarrow." 578 00:27:52,600 --> 00:27:55,960 But what happened to me when things got really bad 579 00:27:55,960 --> 00:27:58,840 with my sister was like God picked me up 580 00:27:58,840 --> 00:28:02,120 by the back of the neck and sat me in that wheelbarrow. 581 00:28:02,120 --> 00:28:05,920 And when I was calm, everything was fine. 582 00:28:05,920 --> 00:28:07,800 If I started flapping around 583 00:28:07,800 --> 00:28:10,480 and getting all upset in the wheelbarrow, 584 00:28:10,480 --> 00:28:13,200 then it became scary. 585 00:28:13,200 --> 00:28:17,320 So being able to sit and quiet myself 586 00:28:17,320 --> 00:28:21,040 was not only good for me, but it was good for my sister 587 00:28:21,040 --> 00:28:23,360 because I could be present. 588 00:28:23,360 --> 00:28:25,160 Thank you, okay. 589 00:28:25,160 --> 00:28:30,160 So I go to 825, we said, right? 590 00:28:30,160 --> 00:28:32,840 Yeah, I think so. 591 00:28:32,840 --> 00:28:33,680 Okay, good. 592 00:28:33,680 --> 00:28:36,480 So, okay, now I've lost, 593 00:28:36,480 --> 00:28:38,640 I go into these mental blank spots. 594 00:28:38,640 --> 00:28:40,240 I'm gonna go into a different, 595 00:28:40,240 --> 00:28:44,160 the other thing I learned in that time, 596 00:28:44,160 --> 00:28:47,120 that seven years my sister was with me, 597 00:28:47,120 --> 00:28:49,280 my prayers used to be, "God, make this stop. 598 00:28:49,280 --> 00:28:50,640 "Make this go away." 599 00:28:50,640 --> 00:28:54,080 Well, it's not gonna stop and it's not gonna go away. 600 00:28:54,080 --> 00:28:56,760 And what I held on to was the second part 601 00:28:56,760 --> 00:28:58,600 of the serenity prayer. 602 00:28:58,600 --> 00:29:01,960 The part where it goes, living one day at a time, 603 00:29:01,960 --> 00:29:03,960 one moment at a time, 604 00:29:03,960 --> 00:29:08,720 using even adversity as a pathway to peace. 605 00:29:08,720 --> 00:29:13,720 And that's what I looked for was that pathway to peace. 606 00:29:13,720 --> 00:29:17,200 And it's all here in this program. 607 00:29:17,200 --> 00:29:18,960 It's all here. 608 00:29:18,960 --> 00:29:21,360 You know, when I was first getting sober, 609 00:29:21,360 --> 00:29:22,200 they used to say, 610 00:29:22,200 --> 00:29:24,840 "Well, sobriety has to be the number one thing in your life. 611 00:29:24,840 --> 00:29:26,800 "Everything else comes second." 612 00:29:26,800 --> 00:29:28,640 And I'd be like, "I don't think so. 613 00:29:28,640 --> 00:29:31,000 "I think a job is really important. 614 00:29:31,000 --> 00:29:33,720 "I think a relationship is really important." 615 00:29:33,720 --> 00:29:35,800 I didn't get it, I didn't get it. 616 00:29:35,800 --> 00:29:37,480 And then I heard someone say, 617 00:29:37,480 --> 00:29:39,640 "Okay, when you get sober, you get a one. 618 00:29:39,640 --> 00:29:41,600 "It's all you get, you get a one. 619 00:29:41,600 --> 00:29:43,520 "But then let's say you make a friend, 620 00:29:43,520 --> 00:29:46,160 "then you get a zero, and now you've got 10. 621 00:29:46,160 --> 00:29:49,560 "And then maybe you get a job, and then you get another zero 622 00:29:49,560 --> 00:29:50,680 "and you've got 100. 623 00:29:50,680 --> 00:29:52,720 "And maybe you get a bicycle. 624 00:29:52,720 --> 00:29:55,480 "So you got another zero, and you've got 1,000. 625 00:29:55,480 --> 00:29:57,520 "And then you get your car, and you get this, 626 00:29:57,520 --> 00:30:00,240 "and you get that, and you get more and more zeros, 627 00:30:00,240 --> 00:30:01,400 "more and more zeros. 628 00:30:01,400 --> 00:30:06,400 "So you go from 10 to 100 to 1,000 to 100,000 629 00:30:06,400 --> 00:30:08,320 "to whatever you go to. 630 00:30:08,320 --> 00:30:12,160 "But if you take the one away, all you have are zeros." 631 00:30:12,160 --> 00:30:15,160 And that hit me, that hit me. 632 00:30:15,160 --> 00:30:19,280 I can't put anything ahead of my sobriety, 633 00:30:19,280 --> 00:30:22,080 because my sobriety is what holds me up. 634 00:30:22,080 --> 00:30:23,720 God holds me up. 635 00:30:23,720 --> 00:30:28,720 So I went from this angry, resentful, shame-filled person. 636 00:30:28,720 --> 00:30:37,360 And I was at my Sunday night meeting one time. 637 00:30:37,360 --> 00:30:40,760 And like I said, the slogans, when people used to say, 638 00:30:40,760 --> 00:30:42,800 "Let us love you till you can love yourself," 639 00:30:42,800 --> 00:30:47,120 I'd be like, "Oh, God, why, why, why, why am I here?" 640 00:30:47,120 --> 00:30:49,040 So I'm at my Sunday night meeting, 641 00:30:49,040 --> 00:30:52,160 and this new girl comes in, and she's pissed off, 642 00:30:52,160 --> 00:30:56,200 and she's really kind of a little nasty person. 643 00:30:56,200 --> 00:31:00,120 And I loved her, because I saw myself in her. 644 00:31:00,120 --> 00:31:03,200 And I said, "I'm gonna talk to her after the meeting." 645 00:31:03,200 --> 00:31:05,640 And by the time I got out to the parking lot, 646 00:31:05,640 --> 00:31:07,680 there were three women talking with her. 647 00:31:07,680 --> 00:31:09,800 They were kind of surrounding her. 648 00:31:09,800 --> 00:31:13,760 And I heard her saying, "Don't give me that AA." 649 00:31:13,760 --> 00:31:16,120 And I was like, "You go, girl. 650 00:31:16,120 --> 00:31:20,040 "You make those three women earn their sobriety tonight. 651 00:31:20,040 --> 00:31:22,520 "You give them a run for their money." 652 00:31:22,520 --> 00:31:27,520 And what I saw, I get these awakenings, you know? 653 00:31:27,520 --> 00:31:30,240 This program is so elegant. 654 00:31:30,240 --> 00:31:33,800 What I saw was three women pouring love 655 00:31:33,800 --> 00:31:35,440 into an empty vessel. 656 00:31:35,440 --> 00:31:38,480 And that young woman couldn't feel it in that moment. 657 00:31:38,480 --> 00:31:41,040 But that was gonna keep happening to her. 658 00:31:41,040 --> 00:31:43,560 And that's what kept happening to me. 659 00:31:43,560 --> 00:31:46,000 I came in an empty vessel, 660 00:31:46,000 --> 00:31:48,800 and new people kept pouring love into me, 661 00:31:48,800 --> 00:31:51,760 pouring love into me, pouring love into me, 662 00:31:51,760 --> 00:31:55,720 until I could feel it, until I could live in it, 663 00:31:55,720 --> 00:31:59,280 until I could own it, until I could give it away. 664 00:31:59,280 --> 00:32:02,800 And I'm so grateful to this program. 665 00:32:02,800 --> 00:32:07,040 I'm so grateful to the alchemy of this program, 666 00:32:07,040 --> 00:32:12,040 where our horrible pasts, our unfortunate pasts, 667 00:32:12,040 --> 00:32:15,480 become our best assets, 668 00:32:15,480 --> 00:32:19,240 the things that made me so ashamed 669 00:32:19,240 --> 00:32:22,800 I can use to help other women today. 670 00:32:22,800 --> 00:32:24,360 What a gift that is. 671 00:32:24,360 --> 00:32:26,240 What a blessing that is. 672 00:32:26,240 --> 00:32:29,080 I'm so grateful to this program. 673 00:32:29,080 --> 00:32:32,560 I'm so grateful that I didn't drink myself to death 674 00:32:32,560 --> 00:32:35,280 because of all of the things I would have missed. 675 00:32:35,280 --> 00:32:38,080 I would have missed taking care of my sister. 676 00:32:38,080 --> 00:32:41,000 I would have missed having a quiet head. 677 00:32:41,000 --> 00:32:43,960 I would have missed gaining self-esteem. 678 00:32:43,960 --> 00:32:47,160 I would have missed having a loving God in my life. 679 00:32:47,160 --> 00:32:50,040 And I'm so grateful that I stayed for the miracle, 680 00:32:50,040 --> 00:32:53,240 and thank you all for listening to me tonight.