- Hi, my name is Lawrence and I am an alcoholic.
Hey everybody.
Okay.
I'd like to thank Scott for asking me to share
and let me just suggest something here really quick.
You know, okay, so let's just get the stats out of the way.
I've been sober 32 years.
You know, I do it one day at a time
and I'm, you know, I have a sponsor.
I have a home group and I, you know,
just try to say yes when asked, you know?
And so it's really good to be at an AA meeting tonight.
And, you know, I go to meetings at least twice a week
and then I'm also in another, I'm in an Al-Anon as well.
But, you know, I'm just gonna tell you a little bit
about what happened, what it was like,
and what it was like, what happened and what it's like now.
So, you know, when I was young,
I kind of suffered from the mental obsession
just kind of, you know, as far back as I can remember.
You know, it says in the big book
that alcoholism is a disease that manifests itself
primarily in the mind of the alcoholic.
And boy, when I heard that, I related to that.
You know, I just have done so much thinking,
thinking, thinking my whole life.
So when I discovered alcohol,
it was really nice to put something on that, you know?
To be able to just kind of loosen up,
I was wound really tight.
And so, you know, I made pretty good,
I made really good grades.
I got awards and things like that when I was young.
But when I started drinking at about, you know,
16, 17, something like that in high school,
all that kind of started taking a back seat.
And, but I liked the feeling that alcohol produced in me.
And it wasn't like I started going, you know,
I started, it wasn't like I said to myself,
I like this feeling that alcohol is producing in me.
It wasn't, it was just like, God, this is great, you know?
And I started drinking and my grades started dropping.
And I started hanging out at the parties and I started,
you know, really, you know, I have to be honest,
I was having a good time.
It wasn't all bad.
It was, you know, that was actually,
I had a couple of,
a few years there where things were pretty good
and things were, you know, I was having a lot of fun.
Things were easier, you know,
talking to women was a lot easier.
You know, I remember one time that we had this dance
and I would always be back up against the wall,
but in high school, but when I had that alcohol in me,
I was out there on that dance floor, you know?
And that's kind of what it did for me.
You know, it just,
my personality switched 180 degrees pretty much.
I, you know, somebody, one of my friends once told me,
he goes, man, when you drink, you know, your personality,
you just, it just flips and, and that could be good.
You know, it could be the life of the party
or it could be bad.
And I wouldn't know,
I wouldn't know what it was going to be that night.
And the lot, the more I drank, the longer I drank,
the more those episodes started to happen.
I remember one night just going after a friend of mine
and you know, it just, it just, you know,
if you took away the alcohol, that really wasn't me.
It was, but with the alcohol in me,
there was no telling what I would do.
And so, you know, I made it out of high school
and somehow got into college.
And when I was in college, my drinking really took off
and my drug use started too.
And so I, my grades were really suffering.
I was just lost, you know?
I've always, at that time in my life,
and for a long time, actually, I felt really lost.
I really had no direction.
I didn't know where I was going.
I had no idea what I wanted to do.
And at the same time, I wanted to do everything, you know?
But I, so I did nothing.
And the thing is, is I started getting drunk, you know,
and hanging out and partying all the time.
I mean, it took precedence over school.
And I remember feeling like something was wrong.
I remember feeling like, you know,
my friends are all kind of passing me up.
They're starting to graduate from college there
and I'm failing out.
And that's what happened.
I failed out.
And, but what I was doing was I remember one time I was,
I was trying to start, I was playing catch up
and I'm like, God, I got to catch up.
I got to start making my grades.
And I took this Spanish class at eight o'clock in the morning,
five days a week.
And I showed up one time to that class and I was so drunk
that I could barely keep my eyes open
and I could barely stay in the chair.
And that was from the party the night before.
And I'm thinking back about that and I thought,
God, I must have reeked of gin, you know?
I just, you know, I wasn't a big gin drinker,
but that night we were drinking gin.
I, so that was in Texas.
I grew up in Texas and I've been here about 32 years.
I met my wife here.
She's sober in the program.
She told me that she, that I can say that.
She's sober longer than I am.
And I have a home group, my group,
my home group is a Pacific group.
And so, you know, there was a friend of mine and he goes,
he said, I live out in Hollywood.
Would you like to come out?
We have a couch.
And I said, yeah, and that was about it.
And I came out and I slept on his couch
and I never went back.
And I think it was my God, my higher power, you know,
going, getting me out here, you know, is I live in Burbank.
And as I was getting ready today,
this thought occurred to me.
I remember as a kid watching the Johnny Carson show
and they would open the show, you know,
saying Johnny Carson coming to you
from beautiful downtown Burbank.
And I remember, I remember always for some reason
being intrigued by that statement.
I'm like, where is that Burbank?
You know, why, what's up with that Burbank?
And that's where I live now.
And it was almost like my higher power
was planting a seed in me.
And you know, knew that that was,
this is the area that I needed to be in
in order to stay sober.
I went to, so what happened,
I went to AA meetings in Corpus Christi, where I'm from,
and I don't know if I could have stayed sober there.
So I think that my higher power brought me out here,
you know, to be in Southern California AA.
And this is where I could get sober.
But one night, one morning to kind of go back a little bit,
one morning I was hanging out at my mom and dad's home.
My brother was there and it was Christmas Eve.
And I'm sorry, it was Christmas day.
And I could feel that something was up when I got up.
There was something not right.
And everybody was acting a little funny
and I went in the living room
and there was a lady sitting on the couch
that I had never seen before in my life.
And she explained to me the program at Charter Hospital.
I was being intervened.
My girlfriend at the time had come to my parents
and it wasn't like her, but she was scared.
She came to my parents and she said,
you know, actually we were broken up,
but she still came to them.
And she said, you know,
if you don't do something about Lawrence,
this is what's going on with Lawrence.
If you don't do something, you know,
my friends and I think he's probably gonna die.
And so that was enough to get them to do, you know,
they were like, oh my God.
And so they got an interview, they did an intervention.
And I remember sitting on that couch
and the lady explained to me about the program.
And she said, you know,
honey, it's gonna be at least 10.
You know, you're gonna be in there for 10 days.
And I was just so tired.
I was so, I was so just tired.
And I just said, yes.
And normally where I would have said no.
And I said, yes, I was underweight.
I was sleeping during the day, I was eating at night.
I mean, I was sleeping during the day and up at night.
I was losing my days.
Every time I'd wake up, the sun would be going down.
Alcohol and drug use had completely turned
my life upside down.
And so I just said, yes.
I remember going into that recovery center
and they had a refrigerator full of sandwiches.
And they said, you can go there anytime and eat.
And I thought, I said, I can't?
And they said, yeah.
And I remember going over there and eating all the time.
I was so just like underweight and just emaciated, you know.
But anyway, what happened was they,
I had never heard of Alcoholics Anonymous,
even though my mom's side of the family, not my mother,
but my mom's side of the family is ravaged with alcoholism.
My uncle died of it not too long ago.
My grandmother, my mom would find her mother
in the bathroom on the ground, you know, drunk, passed out.
And you know, it just, it runs in my family.
And so they, but I had never heard of AA.
So I, they took us, they put us in the van
with our little white bracelets
and they took us to AA meeting.
And when I, you know, I would go into those meetings
and I would sit there and I would start relating
to what they were saying to me.
I mean, what they were talking about.
And I was like, God, man, these people feel just like I do.
And I, or like, God, I recognize that.
And they were so nice.
They said, just keep coming back.
You know, we understand what's going on,
but I was fighting it.
I would not listen.
I was, you know, it talks about in the big book
about alcoholics being defiant.
And I really was.
And I, so I just, you know,
I got out of that recovery center
and two weeks later I was drinking again
and I moved to Hollywood and a party kept going.
And one morning I remember waking up all the booze
and the pot and everything was on the table in front of me.
And I just thought, I cannot do it.
My, my whole life was just gray.
And I was so tired again.
And I, I remember AA popping in a little bite bulb
in my head just said AA, and I think that it was God,
you know, and I found, believe it or not,
I found a phone book and I started flipping through the phone
book and there was a square that said AA central office.
And I thought that's maybe, maybe I should call that number.
I had no idea what central office was and I caught,
but it said AA and I, and so I called that office number
and the lady goes, you know, I, she answered and I said,
you know, I have a friend who needs a meeting.
And, and she knew it was me, but she didn't say that.
She just, I'll never forget how kind she was.
She just said, you know what?
I know where your friend can go.
Here's a meeting, you know, down the road from you.
Maybe, you know, he'll want to go there.
And so that's what I did.
I went to that meeting,
but I kept going out because I wouldn't get a sponsor.
I wouldn't listen to anybody.
And then finally one more, one night or one day,
I was just so, I was beaten down again.
I mean, alcohol has way with me.
And I, I found,
I remember I had gotten a meeting directory at one of the
meetings and I went to the Thursday night meeting in Venice.
I was living in Marina del Rey at the time at the Oakwood
apartments with 10 other people in our apartment.
And I remember going to this meeting.
I couldn't find a meeting in Marina del Rey for some,
I mean, there were meetings probably everywhere, but again,
I think it was God just leading me to where I needed to go.
And it was this Thursday night meeting.
It was called the way of life over near Overland in Venice.
And that was the Pacific group meeting,
my first Pacific group meeting.
And I walked into that meeting and I sat down and I thought,
God, there's just something, you know,
I felt inside that there was something there that I did in
there and then I should stay. I didn't have many,
I don't think anything that I was wearing. I don't have any,
I didn't have any of my own clothes on. I mean,
I just said I was bankrupt in every department of my life,
spiritually, mentally, morally, emotionally, everything.
And I, and I financially, I, and I walked in there and,
and, and I found this guy and he goes at the break and,
and I knew I needed to get a sponsor and what I had been
through and he goes, I walked up to him.
I'd never seen him before in my life.
And I walked up to him and I said, Hey, my name is Lawrence.
And he goes, my name is Scott. And I said, I said,
how long you sober? And he said, five years. And he,
and I go, will you sponsor me? And he said, yeah.
And that's how I started my journey in alcoholics.
And I see how he goes, just get a commitment tonight.
Sweet. You know, I got a mopping commitment.
He goes, go to meetings every day,
call me every day and try not to drink in between meetings.
And that's what I did. And you know,
I really related to our first 10 minute speaker.
I think Bill, thank you for your share.
I related to a lot of your story cause it kind of matched
mine. I, you know, I just, I came in, I did what they said to do
and I got a sponsor. And you know, the first,
the first year my sobriety was like a pink cloud.
Cause I was so happy that I had, that I had physical sobriety.
I remember waking up in the morning.
The first time I woke up in the morning thinking my God,
I had eight hours of sleep last night. I couldn't believe it.
And I hadn't eaten pizza for breakfast. You know, I was eating,
I ate a normal breakfast and there, and so, and I enjoyed it.
I, you know, we played sober softball and,
and went to meetings every night and it was great.
And I just, you know, but at about a year and a day,
everything hit the fan. I, you know, I owed money.
I owed a ton of money. I owed, and I,
and my head was just on fire. I just,
it was hard to control my thinking. I, I, I,
I would get lost in obsessions and things. And I just,
you know, I, I, my sponsor really,
that's when we started really, I mean,
I had worked all the way through the fista,
but we started, you know, we finished,
I think we were going through, we, I, he,
I really had to focus on the program, work the steps and,
and keep going to meetings and just be honest with my
sponsor. Like that was the biggest thing.
I had to be honest with my sponsor and tell him exactly what
was going on. Even the things I didn't want to talk about.
And, you know, a lot of that came out in my four step too.
I, I didn't, there were things in there that I swear,
I wasn't going to tell a soul. And I, and you know,
I ended up, you know, I'm like,
I can't talk to you about this, you know? And he said,
yes, you can. He goes, tell me what it is right now.
And that was in our meeting hall in the meeting in the
hallway. I'm like, no, John, I can't. It was John by then.
I'm like, I can't do that right here. He goes, just tell me.
I told him, he goes, oh, don't worry about it.
I've done that too. And it was like, it wasn't a big deal.
And I was like, holy shit. I was like, what? You know?
So it wasn't a big deal. And, and that's the beauty of AA.
You know, it's like, people were like, they accept you.
They, they, they don't care. It, it, the farther down the,
the farther down you've gone, the more we love you,
you know? And, and I love that about our program where,
I don't know where else that is the case, you know?
And, and I thought, God,
did some of these speakers are so funny and some of these
speakers are just incredible. I, you know, I, and you know,
I started sponsoring people and that's a,
that's a real great thing because it keeps me out of myself.
You know, when I'm not, I mean, when I'm talking to them,
I'm not, I'm not worried about myself.
And it just seems that things work out better.
And so got through my steps, you know, I met,
I met my wife in the program. She is a sober 34 years,
but we met, I knew her, I knew her before we started dating,
but I don't know, we just started kind of looking at each
other across the AA rooms, across the meeting rooms.
And I asked her out and we ended up later on getting
married. And we've been married now 27 years.
We have two kids. We go to AA consistently.
She goes to the meetings, her meetings consistently.
One of those is mine as well.
And we've always worked our program.
We have a sober household and, and it's, it's great.
You know, now that being said, we,
we really went through the ringer too in our relationship.
I mean, being married is not easy at times and it's wonderful
at times, but it's not easy at times. And I, I was, and so,
you know, we really went through some hard times and,
but we, we made it, we made it through those.
And so the story I'm about to tell,
I tell it because just trying to let you know that you can
get through anything in sobriety.
What happened was my oldest daughter was born.
She's 18 now. She was perfect health. Great.
Never really hasn't really had any problems.
And she's off to college now and just doing great.
You know, but my youngest when she was born,
she's 13 and she has a disability, but, and, you know,
she's a love of my life. We didn't expect that, but you know,
we said the serenity prayer. How do I, how do I summarize that?
We said the serenity prayer 100,000 times,
and then it turned into joy. You know, she, like I said,
she's really the light of my life. And, but when she was born,
she had another condition that was unrelated to her disability where the fluid
and her lymphatic system would pour over the outside of her lungs and crush her
lungs. And she couldn't breathe. And so one day she passed, she, she, she,
she just stopped breathing in my wife's arms. I was at work and, uh,
my wife had to give her CPR while her mom, thank God she was there called 911.
And we got her to the hospital. I mean, they got her to the hospital and, uh,
in that little girl, she was, she was less than one year old. She, she was, uh,
in the hospital for the next, in the intensive care unit for the next six months.
And, and she, her little lymphatic system would not stop leaking.
Like they had to put tubes in her side and they,
in those tubes drain into a bag into bags constantly, day in, day out, night,
everything. And they just wouldn't stop. And the doctor came at about four months.
The doc, they did everything they could at UCLA. The doctor came in and he goes,
he had to talk with us and he goes, we had to perform this little surgery.
We had to perform a major surgery on your little daughter. And you know what?
She may not, we had no choice, but to do that. And you know,
this whole time people in AA,
people in my family were praying for us and bringing us meals and help, you know,
calling support. They had the surgery one night. I mean, they had the surgery.
I mean, my daughter had the surgery,
they performed the surgery on her and we were sitting in the waiting room at
midnight and two friends of ours from AA had come at like 8 PM and just stay with
us. Like they stayed like, I didn't even know they knew.
And they just sat with us the entire time. And I've never forgotten that.
The doctor came out and he looked at us and he goes, you know,
this operation went okay. It was about 75% successful. Hopefully the it'll take,
it'll take, it'll take, you know, we'll see what happens and guarantee you
anything. And so she was out and this whole time she was unconscious.
They kept her unconscious, you know, and so I couldn't even,
she couldn't even respond to me or look at me for my wife.
And then one day at about a month, about a month later, the leaking just stopped.
She's doing great. She's doing great. She had other issues too, her eyes,
everything. And so she had to have like two surgeries on her eyes, et cetera,
things like that, but she's doing great. And like I said,
the reason I say that is because I didn't even think about drinking. I didn't,
there was nothing AA had had such a profound effect on me that,
and I had been working my program and keeping in touch with my sponsor the whole
time that I didn't want to drink. I didn't want to do that. I,
I knew that if I did that, that I could not be there for my family.
I could not be there for my daughter and I had to be there for my daughter,
you know? And so, and I wanted to be there for my daughter. And so we you know,
we, we got through that. My daughter's 13 now. And and like I said,
I continue to work the program, you know, we, we,
we have a lot of fun in sobriety too. I noticed this meeting,
there was a lot of laughter at the beginning and that's a,
that's a great sign of a great meeting, you know? And and so, you know,
I remember in it and that's the enthusiasm in the, in the, in the love and AA.
And I, I remember, you know, doing it, we, we, we, we do fun things. I mean,
I have been skiing with my, my sober friends and all that. And,
but I think one of the things that you know, or whatever it may be, we,
we just, you know, play cards sometimes or whatever and have a good time.
But I have to say that one of the things that I loved about AA was
the international conventions. I, every five years,
there's an international convention and I've been to two or three of them,
one in Toronto and one in San Diego. And there's nothing like being in the stadium
where the Minnesota Vikings play, you know, that was the one in many, oh yeah,
I went to one in Minneapolis also. So, you know,
or the Toronto or the Toronto Blue Jays play those huge stadiums.
There's nothing like going to an AA meeting in those stadiums and having,
you know,
be a speaker meeting and at the end every 50,000 people holding the hand,
saying the Lord's prayer. I mean, it's unbelievable. And so, okay, thank, okay,
great, great. Thank you very much. Thank you. I appreciate it. So I,
how do I say this? That experience has, it was, it was a,
it was a spiritual experience for me. You know,
there was something much greater than me at that moment, at those moments.
And it was a beautiful thing, you know, but it doesn't, you know,
it doesn't have to be a 50,000 seat meeting. It can be a meeting just like this.
This is where I found AA and meetings just like this.
And this is where I go to this day. I mean,
my Friday night meeting is just like this, you know? And so I appreciate being
here. When I, when I came into the program,
when I came into the program, I was so selfish. I was so, all I thought about,
was myself and you know, it talks have been the big book about alcoholics being,
uh, selfish, like more selfish than most, you know?
And I'm so happy to see that because I thought, God, that is me too. You know,
at least there's hope. And so, but I was all I ever thought about, but you know,
by, so one of my friends that I got sober with,
we had the same sponsors name is Jeff. One day he just, you know,
we were having a baby meeting and he goes,
I'm moving back to Texas and he moved back there and he ended up becoming a,
uh, an Episcopalian minister and he,
and he's still doing that and he's still sober and he still goes to meetings.
And it's just a beautiful thing. And, um, I, uh, you know, I,
but what he did before he left was he said, Hey, um,
I have this panel at this boy's fire camp in, uh, in, uh, oh man,
or was in La Verne. And I said, Oh man, I don't want to do that.
He was giving me the, he was giving me the panel and I said, ah,
and so I talked to our sponsor about it and he goes,
I think it's a good idea. And so I said, okay.
And I ended up taking that panel for four years out there.
And the great thing was is that we got to talk along the way.
It was like an hour drive both ways. And it was great cause we got to know,
I got to know other AAs and uh, that I had wanted to get to know.
And so I'd ask him to go share with me and we get in that car and we go out
there and we'd share. And, uh, I think HNI, you know, hospitals and institutions,
which that was a part of, has been one of the best things in the world for me.
I, I, uh, I was active in that for quite some time and just being able to go
into those prisons and talk to, uh,
talk to two men and women who are suffering from the disease of alcoholism,
but they're never going to get out of jail. I remember going to a wayside,
I think it was. And we were talking to a bunch of people who are in there for
life. And I, you know, after we left, um, I just thought, my God, there,
but there I go for the grace of God. I mean,
there were times where I would check my bumper, you know,
to see if there was blood on my bumper, you know,
and there were many times where I drove drunk.
So I just, uh,
but I tell you carrying the message is one of the best ways for me to stay
sober and to get out of my own head. And I tell you after doing stuff like that,
you feel so good inside. I, I, um, um, you know,
I came into the program with my fist in the air at God. Uh, I, I,
I had been raised in, in, in, in a religion, um, that I,
I had a lot of problems with as a kid. I couldn't, couldn't figure it out,
you know? And so, um, and I blamed, you know, when I got,
when I came into the program and I tended,
I didn't consciously think I'm blaming you God, but that's what I was doing.
I was just blaming God. You know, I was like, why did I end up, why am I,
how come I'm not an attorney like my friends or how come I'm not this or that?
And it's like, yeah, how come I'm stuck in the AA meeting? You know? And, uh,
and I told my sponsor about this and he, he was like, he goes,
you don't believe in God. And I said, I said, John, that is not the case.
I said, look how I was raised. I said, I believe in God. He goes, no, you don't.
And I said, what do you mean? And he said, you believe in a punishing God,
that is going to just take you down. And I said, okay, I can't say no to that.
And, um, and he said, why don't you do what suggested in the book? Why don't you,
why don't you get a God of your own understanding? And I said, okay.
And so I just started out, you know, I've heard people saying, say,
they started out, you know, a moving van was a, was their, was their guy.
I mean, they started anyway, a door, I heard a door, you know,
anything that can get you started, you know, and, and for me,
all I could come up with was some was a vision was like a mental image of, um,
need a Dodger game from behind, you know, in, in my,
in this guy sitting next to me was kind of long hair and a baseball cap.
That was my God. And, uh, I can't tell you who it was or what it was, but I, I,
that was my God. And I,
that's where I started and by going through the four step and the fifth step,
six, seventh, eighth, ninth, making my amends, you know, um,
I had some really good jobs and I got fired from those jobs, make it, you know,
in one of, one of them was variety. And so I just, uh, you know,
I made those amends and started making financial amends and all that work came
to, it drove, it drew me closer to my gut, to, to, to God and my God, you know,
my, my, my image of God,
my idea of guys started changing and I started growing closer to him. And I,
I can tell you now that my relationship with him is ongoing.
I'm still getting to know that is, um, I do, I do have,
I do pray to God of my own understanding and, uh, I, I make sure to stay in
contact with them every day. And I try not to forget to do that.
Cause on the days that I don't do that, my days do not go as well. Um,
but on the days that I do, which is pretty much every day, you know,
gotta make, even if it's for five minutes,
even if I have to go into the bathroom or, you know, I,
and if I forget it to do it in the morning when I get up, you know,
as long as I make conscious contact with God and say my third step prayer,
I'm good, you know, and I just try to do what I feel like he wants me to do. Um,
I, but by the grace of God, I stay sober. That's how I stay sober.
And the meetings of alcoholics on on the steps and helping others,
trying to say yes, you know, just trying to do the best I can. You know, um,
I went back to that, my route to that religion of,
that I grew up with and I did what it says in the big book, you know,
go back with a little greater fervor than before or go back with a better,
I don't know, try to make it better, you know, have a better at,
I can't remember what it says, but in the big book. Um,
and so that's what I've done. I've gone and I've, uh,
I've made my peace there and it's a very important part of my life now. Um,
and, but that is a direct result of alcoholics anonymous, you know, I, I,
I wouldn't be here if it weren't for alcoholics anonymous. I, I,
I would be what it says in the book. I would be,
I would be insane or I would be in jail or I would, I would be dead. And, um,
I remember, you know,
we were in Austin and I was trying to break into an apartment on the top of a
14 story building with my friends. And there was a ladder in the middle of this,
on this, on the roof of that building.
And I was climbing the ladder with a beer in my hand and I in climbing with my
other hand and I missed the rung and I fell through the air and I woke up in the
hospital covered in blood and I had hit my head on the corner of a steel girder
and fallen like 15 feet through the air, just drunk. And, uh, you know, in,
in, I, and I woke up there and my friends had left me in the hospital.
I didn't know what was going on. My head was killing me.
And I walked to the front office. I walked to the, uh, thank you. I see that.
Thank you. I walked to the, to the nurses station and, and I say,
what happened to me? And she said, honey, um, you fell off of, you were drunk,
you fell off of a steel girder and he busted your head wide open and we stitched
you up. And she had that look on her face, you know,
and that was where I started feeling the incomprehensible demoralization. And,
you know, I don't have to do that anymore. I don't have to fall off ladders.
I don't have to wake up in ditches, you know, and, um,
find my way to pay phone to call a taxi to, to bring me home. And, um,
I don't have to do that. My life is that, that is like another life to me that,
that, that, and thank God, you know, thank God, you know, by the grace of God,
I found Alcoholics Anonymous and I'm with you people and I'm here and I try to
practice my program and I am so grateful to be here and be in our program and be
with you tonight. Thank you very much.