1
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 - Hi, my name is Lawrence and I am an alcoholic.

2
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 Hey everybody.

3
00:00:04,280 --> 00:00:05,120
 Okay.

4
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 I'd like to thank Scott for asking me to share

5
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 and let me just suggest something here really quick.

6
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 You know, okay, so let's just get the stats out of the way.

7
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 I've been sober 32 years.

8
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 You know, I do it one day at a time

9
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 and I'm, you know, I have a sponsor.

10
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 I have a home group and I, you know,

11
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 just try to say yes when asked, you know?

12
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 And so it's really good to be at an AA meeting tonight.

13
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 And, you know, I go to meetings at least twice a week

14
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 and then I'm also in another, I'm in an Al-Anon as well.

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 But, you know, I'm just gonna tell you a little bit

16
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 about what happened, what it was like,

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 and what it was like, what happened and what it's like now.

18
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 So, you know, when I was young,

19
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 I kind of suffered from the mental obsession

20
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 just kind of, you know, as far back as I can remember.

21
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 You know, it says in the big book

22
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 that alcoholism is a disease that manifests itself

23
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 primarily in the mind of the alcoholic.

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 And boy, when I heard that, I related to that.

25
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 You know, I just have done so much thinking,

26
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 thinking, thinking my whole life.

27
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 So when I discovered alcohol,

28
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 it was really nice to put something on that, you know?

29
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 To be able to just kind of loosen up,

30
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 I was wound really tight.

31
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 And so, you know, I made pretty good,

32
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 I made really good grades.

33
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 I got awards and things like that when I was young.

34
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 But when I started drinking at about, you know,

35
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 16, 17, something like that in high school,

36
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 all that kind of started taking a back seat.

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 And, but I liked the feeling that alcohol produced in me.

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 And it wasn't like I started going, you know,

39
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 I started, it wasn't like I said to myself,

40
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 I like this feeling that alcohol is producing in me.

41
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 It wasn't, it was just like, God, this is great, you know?

42
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 And I started drinking and my grades started dropping.

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 And I started hanging out at the parties and I started,

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 you know, really, you know, I have to be honest,

45
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 I was having a good time.

46
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 It wasn't all bad.

47
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 It was, you know, that was actually,

48
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 I had a couple of,

49
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 a few years there where things were pretty good

50
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 and things were, you know, I was having a lot of fun.

51
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 Things were easier, you know,

52
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 talking to women was a lot easier.

53
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 You know, I remember one time that we had this dance

54
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 and I would always be back up against the wall,

55
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 but in high school, but when I had that alcohol in me,

56
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 I was out there on that dance floor, you know?

57
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 And that's kind of what it did for me.

58
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 You know, it just,

59
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 my personality switched 180 degrees pretty much.

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 I, you know, somebody, one of my friends once told me,

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 he goes, man, when you drink, you know, your personality,

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 you just, it just flips and, and that could be good.

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 You know, it could be the life of the party

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 or it could be bad.

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 And I wouldn't know,

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 I wouldn't know what it was going to be that night.

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 And the lot, the more I drank, the longer I drank,

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 the more those episodes started to happen.

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 I remember one night just going after a friend of mine

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 and you know, it just, it just, you know,

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 if you took away the alcohol, that really wasn't me.

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 It was, but with the alcohol in me,

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 there was no telling what I would do.

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 And so, you know, I made it out of high school

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 and somehow got into college.

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 And when I was in college, my drinking really took off

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 and my drug use started too.

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 And so I, my grades were really suffering.

79
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 I was just lost, you know?

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 I've always, at that time in my life,

81
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 and for a long time, actually, I felt really lost.

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 I really had no direction.

83
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 I didn't know where I was going.

84
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 I had no idea what I wanted to do.

85
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 And at the same time, I wanted to do everything, you know?

86
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 But I, so I did nothing.

87
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 And the thing is, is I started getting drunk, you know,

88
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 and hanging out and partying all the time.

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 I mean, it took precedence over school.

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 And I remember feeling like something was wrong.

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 I remember feeling like, you know,

92
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 my friends are all kind of passing me up.

93
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 They're starting to graduate from college there

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 and I'm failing out.

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 And that's what happened.

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 I failed out.

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 And, but what I was doing was I remember one time I was,

98
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 I was trying to start, I was playing catch up

99
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 and I'm like, God, I got to catch up.

100
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 I got to start making my grades.

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 And I took this Spanish class at eight o'clock in the morning,

102
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 five days a week.

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 And I showed up one time to that class and I was so drunk

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 that I could barely keep my eyes open

105
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 and I could barely stay in the chair.

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 And that was from the party the night before.

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 And I'm thinking back about that and I thought,

108
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 God, I must have reeked of gin, you know?

109
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 I just, you know, I wasn't a big gin drinker,

110
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 but that night we were drinking gin.

111
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 I, so that was in Texas.

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 I grew up in Texas and I've been here about 32 years.

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 I met my wife here.

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 She's sober in the program.

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 She told me that she, that I can say that.

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 She's sober longer than I am.

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 And I have a home group, my group,

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 my home group is a Pacific group.

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 And so, you know, there was a friend of mine and he goes,

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 he said, I live out in Hollywood.

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 Would you like to come out?

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 We have a couch.

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 And I said, yeah, and that was about it.

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 And I came out and I slept on his couch

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 and I never went back.

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 And I think it was my God, my higher power, you know,

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 going, getting me out here, you know, is I live in Burbank.

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 And as I was getting ready today,

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 this thought occurred to me.

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 I remember as a kid watching the Johnny Carson show

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 and they would open the show, you know,

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 saying Johnny Carson coming to you

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 from beautiful downtown Burbank.

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 And I remember, I remember always for some reason

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 being intrigued by that statement.

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 I'm like, where is that Burbank?

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 You know, why, what's up with that Burbank?

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 And that's where I live now.

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 And it was almost like my higher power

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 was planting a seed in me.

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 And you know, knew that that was,

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 this is the area that I needed to be in

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 in order to stay sober.

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 I went to, so what happened,

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 I went to AA meetings in Corpus Christi, where I'm from,

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 and I don't know if I could have stayed sober there.

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 So I think that my higher power brought me out here,

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 you know, to be in Southern California AA.

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 And this is where I could get sober.

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 But one night, one morning to kind of go back a little bit,

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 one morning I was hanging out at my mom and dad's home.

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 My brother was there and it was Christmas Eve.

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 And I'm sorry, it was Christmas day.

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 And I could feel that something was up when I got up.

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 There was something not right.

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 And everybody was acting a little funny

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 and I went in the living room

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 and there was a lady sitting on the couch

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 that I had never seen before in my life.

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 And she explained to me the program at Charter Hospital.

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 I was being intervened.

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 My girlfriend at the time had come to my parents

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 and it wasn't like her, but she was scared.

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 She came to my parents and she said,

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 you know, actually we were broken up,

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 but she still came to them.

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 And she said, you know,

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 if you don't do something about Lawrence,

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 this is what's going on with Lawrence.

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 If you don't do something, you know,

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 my friends and I think he's probably gonna die.

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 And so that was enough to get them to do, you know,

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 they were like, oh my God.

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 And so they got an interview, they did an intervention.

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 And I remember sitting on that couch

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 and the lady explained to me about the program.

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 And she said, you know,

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 honey, it's gonna be at least 10.

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 You know, you're gonna be in there for 10 days.

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 And I was just so tired.

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 I was so, I was so just tired.

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 And I just said, yes.

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 And normally where I would have said no.

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 And I said, yes, I was underweight.

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 I was sleeping during the day, I was eating at night.

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 I mean, I was sleeping during the day and up at night.

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 I was losing my days.

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 Every time I'd wake up, the sun would be going down.

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 Alcohol and drug use had completely turned

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 my life upside down.

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 And so I just said, yes.

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 I remember going into that recovery center

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 and they had a refrigerator full of sandwiches.

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 And they said, you can go there anytime and eat.

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 And I thought, I said, I can't?

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 And they said, yeah.

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 And I remember going over there and eating all the time.

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 I was so just like underweight and just emaciated, you know.

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 But anyway, what happened was they,

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 I had never heard of Alcoholics Anonymous,

201
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 even though my mom's side of the family, not my mother,

202
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 but my mom's side of the family is ravaged with alcoholism.

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 My uncle died of it not too long ago.

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 My grandmother, my mom would find her mother

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 in the bathroom on the ground, you know, drunk, passed out.

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 And you know, it just, it runs in my family.

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 And so they, but I had never heard of AA.

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 So I, they took us, they put us in the van

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 with our little white bracelets

210
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 and they took us to AA meeting.

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 And when I, you know, I would go into those meetings

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 and I would sit there and I would start relating

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 to what they were saying to me.

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 I mean, what they were talking about.

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 And I was like, God, man, these people feel just like I do.

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 And I, or like, God, I recognize that.

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 And they were so nice.

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 They said, just keep coming back.

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 You know, we understand what's going on,

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 but I was fighting it.

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 I would not listen.

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 I was, you know, it talks about in the big book

223
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 about alcoholics being defiant.

224
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 And I really was.

225
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 And I, so I just, you know,

226
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 I got out of that recovery center

227
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 and two weeks later I was drinking again

228
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 and I moved to Hollywood and a party kept going.

229
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 And one morning I remember waking up all the booze

230
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 and the pot and everything was on the table in front of me.

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 And I just thought, I cannot do it.

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 My, my whole life was just gray.

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 And I was so tired again.

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 And I, I remember AA popping in a little bite bulb

235
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 in my head just said AA, and I think that it was God,

236
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 you know, and I found, believe it or not,

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 I found a phone book and I started flipping through the phone

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 book and there was a square that said AA central office.

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 And I thought that's maybe, maybe I should call that number.

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 I had no idea what central office was and I caught,

241
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 but it said AA and I, and so I called that office number

242
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 and the lady goes, you know, I, she answered and I said,

243
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 you know, I have a friend who needs a meeting.

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 And, and she knew it was me, but she didn't say that.

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 She just, I'll never forget how kind she was.

246
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 She just said, you know what?

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 I know where your friend can go.

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 Here's a meeting, you know, down the road from you.

249
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 Maybe, you know, he'll want to go there.

250
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 And so that's what I did.

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 I went to that meeting,

252
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 but I kept going out because I wouldn't get a sponsor.

253
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 I wouldn't listen to anybody.

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 And then finally one more, one night or one day,

255
00:09:10,200 --> 00:09:12,560
 I was just so, I was beaten down again.

256
00:09:12,560 --> 00:09:13,960
 I mean, alcohol has way with me.

257
00:09:13,960 --> 00:09:16,120
 And I, I found,

258
00:09:16,120 --> 00:09:18,200
 I remember I had gotten a meeting directory at one of the

259
00:09:18,200 --> 00:09:22,240
 meetings and I went to the Thursday night meeting in Venice.

260
00:09:22,240 --> 00:09:24,360
 I was living in Marina del Rey at the time at the Oakwood

261
00:09:24,360 --> 00:09:26,920
 apartments with 10 other people in our apartment.

262
00:09:26,920 --> 00:09:29,680
 And I remember going to this meeting.

263
00:09:29,680 --> 00:09:32,200
 I couldn't find a meeting in Marina del Rey for some,

264
00:09:32,200 --> 00:09:34,360
 I mean, there were meetings probably everywhere, but again,

265
00:09:34,360 --> 00:09:37,000
 I think it was God just leading me to where I needed to go.

266
00:09:37,000 --> 00:09:38,760
 And it was this Thursday night meeting.

267
00:09:38,760 --> 00:09:42,160
 It was called the way of life over near Overland in Venice.

268
00:09:42,160 --> 00:09:44,520
 And that was the Pacific group meeting,

269
00:09:44,520 --> 00:09:45,800
 my first Pacific group meeting.

270
00:09:45,800 --> 00:09:48,440
 And I walked into that meeting and I sat down and I thought,

271
00:09:48,440 --> 00:09:50,600
 God, there's just something, you know,

272
00:09:50,600 --> 00:09:53,160
 I felt inside that there was something there that I did in

273
00:09:53,160 --> 00:09:55,600
 there and then I should stay. I didn't have many,

274
00:09:55,600 --> 00:09:58,160
 I don't think anything that I was wearing. I don't have any,

275
00:09:58,160 --> 00:09:59,800
 I didn't have any of my own clothes on. I mean,

276
00:09:59,800 --> 00:10:03,160
 I just said I was bankrupt in every department of my life,

277
00:10:03,160 --> 00:10:07,960
 spiritually, mentally, morally, emotionally, everything.

278
00:10:07,960 --> 00:10:11,840
 And I, and I financially, I, and I walked in there and,

279
00:10:11,840 --> 00:10:14,960
 and, and I found this guy and he goes at the break and,

280
00:10:14,960 --> 00:10:17,760
 and I knew I needed to get a sponsor and what I had been

281
00:10:17,760 --> 00:10:19,320
 through and he goes, I walked up to him.

282
00:10:19,320 --> 00:10:20,560
 I'd never seen him before in my life.

283
00:10:20,560 --> 00:10:23,280
 And I walked up to him and I said, Hey, my name is Lawrence.

284
00:10:23,280 --> 00:10:25,760
 And he goes, my name is Scott. And I said, I said,

285
00:10:25,760 --> 00:10:27,920
 how long you sober? And he said, five years. And he,

286
00:10:27,920 --> 00:10:30,160
 and I go, will you sponsor me? And he said, yeah.

287
00:10:30,160 --> 00:10:32,640
 And that's how I started my journey in alcoholics.

288
00:10:32,640 --> 00:10:35,120
 And I see how he goes, just get a commitment tonight.

289
00:10:35,120 --> 00:10:36,800
 Sweet. You know, I got a mopping commitment.

290
00:10:36,800 --> 00:10:38,360
 He goes, go to meetings every day,

291
00:10:38,360 --> 00:10:40,800
 call me every day and try not to drink in between meetings.

292
00:10:40,800 --> 00:10:42,840
 And that's what I did. And you know,

293
00:10:42,840 --> 00:10:45,040
 I really related to our first 10 minute speaker.

294
00:10:45,040 --> 00:10:47,400
 I think Bill, thank you for your share.

295
00:10:47,400 --> 00:10:49,640
 I related to a lot of your story cause it kind of matched

296
00:10:49,640 --> 00:10:53,480
 mine. I, you know, I just, I came in, I did what they said to do

297
00:10:53,480 --> 00:10:56,800
 and I got a sponsor. And you know, the first,

298
00:10:56,800 --> 00:10:59,560
 the first year my sobriety was like a pink cloud.

299
00:10:59,560 --> 00:11:03,080
 Cause I was so happy that I had, that I had physical sobriety.

300
00:11:03,080 --> 00:11:05,400
 I remember waking up in the morning.

301
00:11:05,400 --> 00:11:08,080
 The first time I woke up in the morning thinking my God,

302
00:11:08,080 --> 00:11:10,480
 I had eight hours of sleep last night. I couldn't believe it.

303
00:11:10,480 --> 00:11:13,520
 And I hadn't eaten pizza for breakfast. You know, I was eating,

304
00:11:13,520 --> 00:11:18,400
 I ate a normal breakfast and there, and so, and I enjoyed it.

305
00:11:18,400 --> 00:11:20,720
 I, you know, we played sober softball and,

306
00:11:20,720 --> 00:11:23,200
 and went to meetings every night and it was great.

307
00:11:23,200 --> 00:11:26,440
 And I just, you know, but at about a year and a day,

308
00:11:26,440 --> 00:11:28,960
 everything hit the fan. I, you know, I owed money.

309
00:11:28,960 --> 00:11:30,880
 I owed a ton of money. I owed, and I,

310
00:11:30,880 --> 00:11:33,080
 and my head was just on fire. I just,

311
00:11:33,080 --> 00:11:36,200
 it was hard to control my thinking. I, I, I,

312
00:11:36,200 --> 00:11:39,360
 I would get lost in obsessions and things. And I just,

313
00:11:39,360 --> 00:11:41,320
 you know, I, I, my sponsor really,

314
00:11:41,320 --> 00:11:42,600
 that's when we started really, I mean,

315
00:11:42,600 --> 00:11:44,600
 I had worked all the way through the fista,

316
00:11:44,600 --> 00:11:46,120
 but we started, you know, we finished,

317
00:11:46,120 --> 00:11:48,400
 I think we were going through, we, I, he,

318
00:11:48,400 --> 00:11:51,080
 I really had to focus on the program, work the steps and,

319
00:11:51,080 --> 00:11:53,400
 and keep going to meetings and just be honest with my

320
00:11:53,400 --> 00:11:55,080
 sponsor. Like that was the biggest thing.

321
00:11:55,080 --> 00:11:57,840
 I had to be honest with my sponsor and tell him exactly what

322
00:11:57,840 --> 00:12:00,320
 was going on. Even the things I didn't want to talk about.

323
00:12:00,320 --> 00:12:02,840
 And, you know, a lot of that came out in my four step too.

324
00:12:02,840 --> 00:12:05,600
 I, I didn't, there were things in there that I swear,

325
00:12:05,600 --> 00:12:08,040
 I wasn't going to tell a soul. And I, and you know,

326
00:12:08,040 --> 00:12:10,040
 I ended up, you know, I'm like,

327
00:12:10,040 --> 00:12:12,560
 I can't talk to you about this, you know? And he said,

328
00:12:12,560 --> 00:12:14,960
 yes, you can. He goes, tell me what it is right now.

329
00:12:14,960 --> 00:12:17,120
 And that was in our meeting hall in the meeting in the

330
00:12:17,120 --> 00:12:20,160
 hallway. I'm like, no, John, I can't. It was John by then.

331
00:12:20,160 --> 00:12:22,240
 I'm like, I can't do that right here. He goes, just tell me.

332
00:12:22,240 --> 00:12:23,960
 I told him, he goes, oh, don't worry about it.

333
00:12:23,960 --> 00:12:26,280
 I've done that too. And it was like, it wasn't a big deal.

334
00:12:26,280 --> 00:12:28,440
 And I was like, holy shit. I was like, what? You know?

335
00:12:28,440 --> 00:12:31,480
 So it wasn't a big deal. And, and that's the beauty of AA.

336
00:12:31,480 --> 00:12:33,680
 You know, it's like, people were like, they accept you.

337
00:12:33,680 --> 00:12:37,200
 They, they, they don't care. It, it, the farther down the,

338
00:12:37,200 --> 00:12:39,440
 the farther down you've gone, the more we love you,

339
00:12:39,440 --> 00:12:42,160
 you know? And, and I love that about our program where,

340
00:12:42,160 --> 00:12:44,520
 I don't know where else that is the case, you know?

341
00:12:44,520 --> 00:12:46,040
 And, and I thought, God,

342
00:12:46,040 --> 00:12:48,160
 did some of these speakers are so funny and some of these

343
00:12:48,160 --> 00:12:50,960
 speakers are just incredible. I, you know, I, and you know,

344
00:12:50,960 --> 00:12:53,440
 I started sponsoring people and that's a,

345
00:12:53,440 --> 00:12:56,560
 that's a real great thing because it keeps me out of myself.

346
00:12:56,560 --> 00:12:58,920
 You know, when I'm not, I mean, when I'm talking to them,

347
00:12:58,920 --> 00:13:00,600
 I'm not, I'm not worried about myself.

348
00:13:00,600 --> 00:13:03,240
 And it just seems that things work out better.

349
00:13:03,240 --> 00:13:05,440
 And so got through my steps, you know, I met,

350
00:13:05,440 --> 00:13:09,920
 I met my wife in the program. She is a sober 34 years,

351
00:13:09,920 --> 00:13:12,960
 but we met, I knew her, I knew her before we started dating,

352
00:13:12,960 --> 00:13:15,200
 but I don't know, we just started kind of looking at each

353
00:13:15,200 --> 00:13:18,240
 other across the AA rooms, across the meeting rooms.

354
00:13:18,240 --> 00:13:22,120
 And I asked her out and we ended up later on getting

355
00:13:22,120 --> 00:13:24,760
 married. And we've been married now 27 years.

356
00:13:24,760 --> 00:13:29,160
 We have two kids. We go to AA consistently.

357
00:13:29,160 --> 00:13:31,440
 She goes to the meetings, her meetings consistently.

358
00:13:31,440 --> 00:13:32,800
 One of those is mine as well.

359
00:13:32,800 --> 00:13:34,520
 And we've always worked our program.

360
00:13:34,520 --> 00:13:38,680
 We have a sober household and, and it's, it's great.

361
00:13:38,680 --> 00:13:41,160
 You know, now that being said, we,

362
00:13:41,160 --> 00:13:44,320
 we really went through the ringer too in our relationship.

363
00:13:44,320 --> 00:13:47,280
 I mean, being married is not easy at times and it's wonderful

364
00:13:47,280 --> 00:13:51,280
 at times, but it's not easy at times. And I, I was, and so,

365
00:13:51,280 --> 00:13:53,800
 you know, we really went through some hard times and,

366
00:13:53,800 --> 00:13:56,680
 but we, we made it, we made it through those.

367
00:13:56,680 --> 00:13:59,360
 And so the story I'm about to tell,

368
00:13:59,360 --> 00:14:02,320
 I tell it because just trying to let you know that you can

369
00:14:02,320 --> 00:14:03,720
 get through anything in sobriety.

370
00:14:03,720 --> 00:14:07,440
 What happened was my oldest daughter was born.

371
00:14:07,440 --> 00:14:10,800
 She's 18 now. She was perfect health. Great.

372
00:14:10,800 --> 00:14:13,240
 Never really hasn't really had any problems.

373
00:14:13,240 --> 00:14:16,000
 And she's off to college now and just doing great.

374
00:14:16,000 --> 00:14:20,080
 You know, but my youngest when she was born,

375
00:14:20,080 --> 00:14:24,560
 she's 13 and she has a disability, but, and, you know,

376
00:14:24,560 --> 00:14:27,760
 she's a love of my life. We didn't expect that, but you know,

377
00:14:27,760 --> 00:14:30,440
 we said the serenity prayer. How do I, how do I summarize that?

378
00:14:30,440 --> 00:14:32,760
 We said the serenity prayer 100,000 times,

379
00:14:32,760 --> 00:14:35,080
 and then it turned into joy. You know, she, like I said,

380
00:14:35,080 --> 00:14:38,520
 she's really the light of my life. And, but when she was born,

381
00:14:38,520 --> 00:14:42,880
 she had another condition that was unrelated to her disability where the fluid

382
00:14:42,880 --> 00:14:46,720
 and her lymphatic system would pour over the outside of her lungs and crush her

383
00:14:46,720 --> 00:14:50,480
 lungs. And she couldn't breathe. And so one day she passed, she, she, she,

384
00:14:50,480 --> 00:14:53,840
 she just stopped breathing in my wife's arms. I was at work and, uh,

385
00:14:53,840 --> 00:14:58,200
 my wife had to give her CPR while her mom, thank God she was there called 911.

386
00:14:58,200 --> 00:15:01,960
 And we got her to the hospital. I mean, they got her to the hospital and, uh,

387
00:15:01,960 --> 00:15:06,800
 in that little girl, she was, she was less than one year old. She, she was, uh,

388
00:15:06,840 --> 00:15:11,000
 in the hospital for the next, in the intensive care unit for the next six months.

389
00:15:11,000 --> 00:15:15,120
 And, and she, her little lymphatic system would not stop leaking.

390
00:15:15,120 --> 00:15:17,520
 Like they had to put tubes in her side and they,

391
00:15:17,520 --> 00:15:22,440
 in those tubes drain into a bag into bags constantly, day in, day out, night,

392
00:15:22,440 --> 00:15:26,640
 everything. And they just wouldn't stop. And the doctor came at about four months.

393
00:15:26,640 --> 00:15:30,240
 The doc, they did everything they could at UCLA. The doctor came in and he goes,

394
00:15:30,240 --> 00:15:32,760
 he had to talk with us and he goes, we had to perform this little surgery.

395
00:15:32,760 --> 00:15:35,840
 We had to perform a major surgery on your little daughter. And you know what?

396
00:15:35,880 --> 00:15:39,120
 She may not, we had no choice, but to do that. And you know,

397
00:15:39,120 --> 00:15:40,880
 this whole time people in AA,

398
00:15:40,880 --> 00:15:45,120
 people in my family were praying for us and bringing us meals and help, you know,

399
00:15:45,120 --> 00:15:49,440
 calling support. They had the surgery one night. I mean, they had the surgery.

400
00:15:49,440 --> 00:15:50,680
 I mean, my daughter had the surgery,

401
00:15:50,680 --> 00:15:53,800
 they performed the surgery on her and we were sitting in the waiting room at

402
00:15:53,800 --> 00:15:58,680
 midnight and two friends of ours from AA had come at like 8 PM and just stay with

403
00:15:58,680 --> 00:16:00,920
 us. Like they stayed like, I didn't even know they knew.

404
00:16:00,920 --> 00:16:03,960
 And they just sat with us the entire time. And I've never forgotten that.

405
00:16:04,000 --> 00:16:06,600
 The doctor came out and he looked at us and he goes, you know,

406
00:16:06,600 --> 00:16:11,360
 this operation went okay. It was about 75% successful. Hopefully the it'll take,

407
00:16:11,360 --> 00:16:14,320
 it'll take, it'll take, you know, we'll see what happens and guarantee you

408
00:16:14,320 --> 00:16:17,800
 anything. And so she was out and this whole time she was unconscious.

409
00:16:17,800 --> 00:16:19,880
 They kept her unconscious, you know, and so I couldn't even,

410
00:16:19,880 --> 00:16:22,240
 she couldn't even respond to me or look at me for my wife.

411
00:16:22,240 --> 00:16:26,520
 And then one day at about a month, about a month later, the leaking just stopped.

412
00:16:26,520 --> 00:16:30,000
 She's doing great. She's doing great. She had other issues too, her eyes,

413
00:16:30,000 --> 00:16:33,320
 everything. And so she had to have like two surgeries on her eyes, et cetera,

414
00:16:33,320 --> 00:16:36,080
 things like that, but she's doing great. And like I said,

415
00:16:36,080 --> 00:16:39,760
 the reason I say that is because I didn't even think about drinking. I didn't,

416
00:16:39,760 --> 00:16:44,040
 there was nothing AA had had such a profound effect on me that,

417
00:16:44,040 --> 00:16:47,320
 and I had been working my program and keeping in touch with my sponsor the whole

418
00:16:47,320 --> 00:16:50,600
 time that I didn't want to drink. I didn't want to do that. I,

419
00:16:50,600 --> 00:16:55,160
 I knew that if I did that, that I could not be there for my family.

420
00:16:55,160 --> 00:16:58,160
 I could not be there for my daughter and I had to be there for my daughter,

421
00:16:58,160 --> 00:17:02,120
 you know? And so, and I wanted to be there for my daughter. And so we you know,

422
00:17:02,120 --> 00:17:05,480
 we, we got through that. My daughter's 13 now. And and like I said,

423
00:17:05,480 --> 00:17:08,440
 I continue to work the program, you know, we, we,

424
00:17:08,440 --> 00:17:12,120
 we have a lot of fun in sobriety too. I noticed this meeting,

425
00:17:12,120 --> 00:17:14,600
 there was a lot of laughter at the beginning and that's a,

426
00:17:14,600 --> 00:17:19,080
 that's a great sign of a great meeting, you know? And and so, you know,

427
00:17:19,080 --> 00:17:23,640
 I remember in it and that's the enthusiasm in the, in the, in the love and AA.

428
00:17:23,640 --> 00:17:27,880
 And I, I remember, you know, doing it, we, we, we, we do fun things. I mean,

429
00:17:27,880 --> 00:17:31,560
 I have been skiing with my, my sober friends and all that. And,

430
00:17:31,560 --> 00:17:35,160
 but I think one of the things that you know, or whatever it may be, we,

431
00:17:35,160 --> 00:17:38,520
 we just, you know, play cards sometimes or whatever and have a good time.

432
00:17:38,520 --> 00:17:43,000
 But I have to say that one of the things that I loved about AA was

433
00:17:43,000 --> 00:17:46,520
 the international conventions. I, every five years,

434
00:17:46,520 --> 00:17:50,840
 there's an international convention and I've been to two or three of them,

435
00:17:50,840 --> 00:17:55,720
 one in Toronto and one in San Diego. And there's nothing like being in the stadium

436
00:17:55,720 --> 00:17:59,640
 where the Minnesota Vikings play, you know, that was the one in many, oh yeah,

437
00:17:59,640 --> 00:18:02,760
 I went to one in Minneapolis also. So, you know,

438
00:18:02,760 --> 00:18:06,440
 or the Toronto or the Toronto Blue Jays play those huge stadiums.

439
00:18:06,440 --> 00:18:10,760
 There's nothing like going to an AA meeting in those stadiums and having,

440
00:18:10,760 --> 00:18:11,320
 you know,

441
00:18:11,320 --> 00:18:16,080
 be a speaker meeting and at the end every 50,000 people holding the hand,

442
00:18:16,080 --> 00:18:20,840
 saying the Lord's prayer. I mean, it's unbelievable. And so, okay, thank, okay,

443
00:18:20,840 --> 00:18:24,320
 great, great. Thank you very much. Thank you. I appreciate it. So I,

444
00:18:24,320 --> 00:18:28,040
 how do I say this? That experience has, it was, it was a,

445
00:18:28,080 --> 00:18:30,240
 it was a spiritual experience for me. You know,

446
00:18:30,240 --> 00:18:34,120
 there was something much greater than me at that moment, at those moments.

447
00:18:34,120 --> 00:18:37,120
 And it was a beautiful thing, you know, but it doesn't, you know,

448
00:18:37,120 --> 00:18:41,400
 it doesn't have to be a 50,000 seat meeting. It can be a meeting just like this.

449
00:18:41,400 --> 00:18:43,960
 This is where I found AA and meetings just like this.

450
00:18:43,960 --> 00:18:46,360
 And this is where I go to this day. I mean,

451
00:18:46,360 --> 00:18:50,120
 my Friday night meeting is just like this, you know? And so I appreciate being

452
00:18:50,120 --> 00:18:53,560
 here. When I, when I came into the program,

453
00:18:53,960 --> 00:18:58,520
 when I came into the program, I was so selfish. I was so, all I thought about,

454
00:18:58,520 --> 00:19:02,680
 was myself and you know, it talks have been the big book about alcoholics being,

455
00:19:02,680 --> 00:19:06,320
 uh, selfish, like more selfish than most, you know?

456
00:19:06,320 --> 00:19:11,440
 And I'm so happy to see that because I thought, God, that is me too. You know,

457
00:19:11,440 --> 00:19:15,360
 at least there's hope. And so, but I was all I ever thought about, but you know,

458
00:19:15,360 --> 00:19:17,840
 by, so one of my friends that I got sober with,

459
00:19:17,840 --> 00:19:20,680
 we had the same sponsors name is Jeff. One day he just, you know,

460
00:19:20,680 --> 00:19:22,120
 we were having a baby meeting and he goes,

461
00:19:22,120 --> 00:19:25,960
 I'm moving back to Texas and he moved back there and he ended up becoming a,

462
00:19:25,960 --> 00:19:28,160
 uh, an Episcopalian minister and he,

463
00:19:28,160 --> 00:19:31,520
 and he's still doing that and he's still sober and he still goes to meetings.

464
00:19:31,520 --> 00:19:34,800
 And it's just a beautiful thing. And, um, I, uh, you know, I,

465
00:19:34,800 --> 00:19:38,040
 but what he did before he left was he said, Hey, um,

466
00:19:38,040 --> 00:19:42,040
 I have this panel at this boy's fire camp in, uh, in, uh, oh man,

467
00:19:42,040 --> 00:19:45,240
 or was in La Verne. And I said, Oh man, I don't want to do that.

468
00:19:45,240 --> 00:19:48,440
 He was giving me the, he was giving me the panel and I said, ah,

469
00:19:48,440 --> 00:19:50,960
 and so I talked to our sponsor about it and he goes,

470
00:19:51,120 --> 00:19:53,120
 I think it's a good idea. And so I said, okay.

471
00:19:53,120 --> 00:19:56,000
 And I ended up taking that panel for four years out there.

472
00:19:56,000 --> 00:19:59,400
 And the great thing was is that we got to talk along the way.

473
00:19:59,400 --> 00:20:02,640
 It was like an hour drive both ways. And it was great cause we got to know,

474
00:20:02,640 --> 00:20:06,000
 I got to know other AAs and uh, that I had wanted to get to know.

475
00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:09,240
 And so I'd ask him to go share with me and we get in that car and we go out

476
00:20:09,240 --> 00:20:13,440
 there and we'd share. And, uh, I think HNI, you know, hospitals and institutions,

477
00:20:13,440 --> 00:20:16,920
 which that was a part of, has been one of the best things in the world for me.

478
00:20:16,920 --> 00:20:21,360
 I, I, uh, I was active in that for quite some time and just being able to go

479
00:20:21,360 --> 00:20:23,480
 into those prisons and talk to, uh,

480
00:20:23,480 --> 00:20:27,840
 talk to two men and women who are suffering from the disease of alcoholism,

481
00:20:27,840 --> 00:20:31,200
 but they're never going to get out of jail. I remember going to a wayside,

482
00:20:31,200 --> 00:20:34,120
 I think it was. And we were talking to a bunch of people who are in there for

483
00:20:34,120 --> 00:20:37,920
 life. And I, you know, after we left, um, I just thought, my God, there,

484
00:20:37,920 --> 00:20:39,760
 but there I go for the grace of God. I mean,

485
00:20:39,760 --> 00:20:42,080
 there were times where I would check my bumper, you know,

486
00:20:42,080 --> 00:20:43,920
 to see if there was blood on my bumper, you know,

487
00:20:43,920 --> 00:20:46,080
 and there were many times where I drove drunk.

488
00:20:46,080 --> 00:20:47,320
 So I just, uh,

489
00:20:47,320 --> 00:20:52,160
 but I tell you carrying the message is one of the best ways for me to stay

490
00:20:52,160 --> 00:20:57,040
 sober and to get out of my own head. And I tell you after doing stuff like that,

491
00:20:57,040 --> 00:21:00,640
 you feel so good inside. I, I, um, um, you know,

492
00:21:00,640 --> 00:21:05,360
 I came into the program with my fist in the air at God. Uh, I, I,

493
00:21:05,360 --> 00:21:09,440
 I had been raised in, in, in, in a religion, um, that I,

494
00:21:09,440 --> 00:21:12,880
 I had a lot of problems with as a kid. I couldn't, couldn't figure it out,

495
00:21:12,880 --> 00:21:15,640
 you know? And so, um, and I blamed, you know, when I got,

496
00:21:15,680 --> 00:21:17,720
 when I came into the program and I tended,

497
00:21:17,720 --> 00:21:20,960
 I didn't consciously think I'm blaming you God, but that's what I was doing.

498
00:21:20,960 --> 00:21:25,040
 I was just blaming God. You know, I was like, why did I end up, why am I,

499
00:21:25,040 --> 00:21:29,000
 how come I'm not an attorney like my friends or how come I'm not this or that?

500
00:21:29,000 --> 00:21:32,080
 And it's like, yeah, how come I'm stuck in the AA meeting? You know? And, uh,

501
00:21:32,080 --> 00:21:35,040
 and I told my sponsor about this and he, he was like, he goes,

502
00:21:35,040 --> 00:21:39,120
 you don't believe in God. And I said, I said, John, that is not the case.

503
00:21:39,120 --> 00:21:42,240
 I said, look how I was raised. I said, I believe in God. He goes, no, you don't.

504
00:21:42,280 --> 00:21:46,200
 And I said, what do you mean? And he said, you believe in a punishing God,

505
00:21:46,200 --> 00:21:51,120
 that is going to just take you down. And I said, okay, I can't say no to that.

506
00:21:51,120 --> 00:21:54,920
 And, um, and he said, why don't you do what suggested in the book? Why don't you,

507
00:21:54,920 --> 00:21:58,400
 why don't you get a God of your own understanding? And I said, okay.

508
00:21:58,400 --> 00:22:01,640
 And so I just started out, you know, I've heard people saying, say,

509
00:22:01,640 --> 00:22:05,560
 they started out, you know, a moving van was a, was their, was their guy.

510
00:22:05,560 --> 00:22:08,120
 I mean, they started anyway, a door, I heard a door, you know,

511
00:22:08,120 --> 00:22:11,120
 anything that can get you started, you know, and, and for me,

512
00:22:11,160 --> 00:22:15,600
 all I could come up with was some was a vision was like a mental image of, um,

513
00:22:15,600 --> 00:22:18,560
 need a Dodger game from behind, you know, in, in my,

514
00:22:18,560 --> 00:22:22,160
 in this guy sitting next to me was kind of long hair and a baseball cap.

515
00:22:22,160 --> 00:22:26,160
 That was my God. And, uh, I can't tell you who it was or what it was, but I, I,

516
00:22:26,160 --> 00:22:27,440
 that was my God. And I,

517
00:22:27,440 --> 00:22:31,440
 that's where I started and by going through the four step and the fifth step,

518
00:22:31,440 --> 00:22:34,920
 six, seventh, eighth, ninth, making my amends, you know, um,

519
00:22:34,920 --> 00:22:38,800
 I had some really good jobs and I got fired from those jobs, make it, you know,

520
00:22:38,920 --> 00:22:42,000
 in one of, one of them was variety. And so I just, uh, you know,

521
00:22:42,000 --> 00:22:45,960
 I made those amends and started making financial amends and all that work came

522
00:22:45,960 --> 00:22:50,840
 to, it drove, it drew me closer to my gut, to, to, to God and my God, you know,

523
00:22:50,840 --> 00:22:52,360
 my, my, my image of God,

524
00:22:52,360 --> 00:22:56,520
 my idea of guys started changing and I started growing closer to him. And I,

525
00:22:56,520 --> 00:23:00,440
 I can tell you now that my relationship with him is ongoing.

526
00:23:00,440 --> 00:23:04,840
 I'm still getting to know that is, um, I do, I do have,

527
00:23:04,840 --> 00:23:09,240
 I do pray to God of my own understanding and, uh, I, I make sure to stay in

528
00:23:09,240 --> 00:23:12,840
 contact with them every day. And I try not to forget to do that.

529
00:23:12,840 --> 00:23:16,360
 Cause on the days that I don't do that, my days do not go as well. Um,

530
00:23:16,360 --> 00:23:19,080
 but on the days that I do, which is pretty much every day, you know,

531
00:23:19,080 --> 00:23:20,880
 gotta make, even if it's for five minutes,

532
00:23:20,880 --> 00:23:22,840
 even if I have to go into the bathroom or, you know, I,

533
00:23:22,840 --> 00:23:25,080
 and if I forget it to do it in the morning when I get up, you know,

534
00:23:25,080 --> 00:23:28,320
 as long as I make conscious contact with God and say my third step prayer,

535
00:23:28,320 --> 00:23:31,920
 I'm good, you know, and I just try to do what I feel like he wants me to do. Um,

536
00:23:32,000 --> 00:23:35,360
 I, but by the grace of God, I stay sober. That's how I stay sober.

537
00:23:35,360 --> 00:23:38,080
 And the meetings of alcoholics on on the steps and helping others,

538
00:23:38,080 --> 00:23:41,400
 trying to say yes, you know, just trying to do the best I can. You know, um,

539
00:23:41,400 --> 00:23:43,680
 I went back to that, my route to that religion of,

540
00:23:43,680 --> 00:23:47,200
 that I grew up with and I did what it says in the big book, you know,

541
00:23:47,200 --> 00:23:51,080
 go back with a little greater fervor than before or go back with a better,

542
00:23:51,080 --> 00:23:54,200
 I don't know, try to make it better, you know, have a better at,

543
00:23:54,200 --> 00:23:56,440
 I can't remember what it says, but in the big book. Um,

544
00:23:56,440 --> 00:23:58,440
 and so that's what I've done. I've gone and I've, uh,

545
00:23:58,480 --> 00:24:02,880
 I've made my peace there and it's a very important part of my life now. Um,

546
00:24:02,880 --> 00:24:06,920
 and, but that is a direct result of alcoholics anonymous, you know, I, I,

547
00:24:06,920 --> 00:24:10,000
 I wouldn't be here if it weren't for alcoholics anonymous. I, I,

548
00:24:10,000 --> 00:24:12,000
 I would be what it says in the book. I would be,

549
00:24:12,000 --> 00:24:16,400
 I would be insane or I would be in jail or I would, I would be dead. And, um,

550
00:24:16,400 --> 00:24:17,240
 I remember, you know,

551
00:24:17,240 --> 00:24:20,680
 we were in Austin and I was trying to break into an apartment on the top of a

552
00:24:20,680 --> 00:24:24,800
 14 story building with my friends. And there was a ladder in the middle of this,

553
00:24:24,800 --> 00:24:26,440
 on this, on the roof of that building.

554
00:24:26,480 --> 00:24:31,480
 And I was climbing the ladder with a beer in my hand and I in climbing with my

555
00:24:31,480 --> 00:24:35,200
 other hand and I missed the rung and I fell through the air and I woke up in the

556
00:24:35,200 --> 00:24:39,360
 hospital covered in blood and I had hit my head on the corner of a steel girder

557
00:24:39,360 --> 00:24:43,520
 and fallen like 15 feet through the air, just drunk. And, uh, you know, in,

558
00:24:43,520 --> 00:24:46,640
 in, I, and I woke up there and my friends had left me in the hospital.

559
00:24:46,640 --> 00:24:49,040
 I didn't know what was going on. My head was killing me.

560
00:24:49,040 --> 00:24:52,080
 And I walked to the front office. I walked to the, uh, thank you. I see that.

561
00:24:52,080 --> 00:24:55,480
 Thank you. I walked to the, to the nurses station and, and I say,

562
00:24:55,480 --> 00:24:59,080
 what happened to me? And she said, honey, um, you fell off of, you were drunk,

563
00:24:59,080 --> 00:25:02,960
 you fell off of a steel girder and he busted your head wide open and we stitched

564
00:25:02,960 --> 00:25:05,160
 you up. And she had that look on her face, you know,

565
00:25:05,160 --> 00:25:09,160
 and that was where I started feeling the incomprehensible demoralization. And,

566
00:25:09,160 --> 00:25:12,160
 you know, I don't have to do that anymore. I don't have to fall off ladders.

567
00:25:12,160 --> 00:25:14,920
 I don't have to wake up in ditches, you know, and, um,

568
00:25:14,920 --> 00:25:18,760
 find my way to pay phone to call a taxi to, to bring me home. And, um,

569
00:25:18,760 --> 00:25:22,360
 I don't have to do that. My life is that, that is like another life to me that,

570
00:25:22,360 --> 00:25:26,160
 that, that, and thank God, you know, thank God, you know, by the grace of God,

571
00:25:26,160 --> 00:25:30,240
 I found Alcoholics Anonymous and I'm with you people and I'm here and I try to

572
00:25:30,240 --> 00:25:34,640
 practice my program and I am so grateful to be here and be in our program and be

573
00:25:34,640 --> 00:25:35,920
 with you tonight. Thank you very much.