1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:07,040
 Hi, I'm Charlie. I'm an alcoholic. Hi, I'd like to thank Scott for inviting me to participate

2
00:00:07,040 --> 00:00:12,220
 at your meeting. It's always an honor to be asked and, as we like to say, a terrible

3
00:00:12,220 --> 00:00:18,140
 inconvenience to have to speak at AA meetings. But, you know, we do it and we find that our

4
00:00:18,140 --> 00:00:23,700
 spiritual health is directly related to our degree of willingness to be inconvenienced.

5
00:00:23,700 --> 00:00:29,980
 So that's where we are. And I want to thank Elizabeth for a wonderful talk. I related

6
00:00:29,980 --> 00:00:35,280
 it to you all the way. And it was excellent. I really appreciate it. And that's why I like

7
00:00:35,280 --> 00:00:40,460
 to come to AA meetings because I like to hear people that I don't know. And yet, by the

8
00:00:40,460 --> 00:00:44,920
 time they're done talking, I feel like I know at least a part of them. I've been having

9
00:00:44,920 --> 00:00:49,880
 kind of a, I got, let me just start again. I got sober on the 11th of June of 1981. That's

10
00:00:49,880 --> 00:00:54,660
 my only sobriety date. I've had two sponsors in that space of time. And my current sponsor's

11
00:00:54,660 --> 00:00:59,800
 name is Bob R. And he lives up here. I live in Camarillo and he lives in Oxnard. And Bob

12
00:00:59,800 --> 00:01:06,380
 just turned 55 years sober. And I take direction from him without any question. If I have to

13
00:01:06,380 --> 00:01:11,740
 ask him for direction for something, even at 40 years sober, whatever Bob says, I have

14
00:01:11,740 --> 00:01:17,300
 to do it. I don't do it immediately because I like to just grind on it a little bit, but

15
00:01:17,300 --> 00:01:22,180
 I do it. And because if I don't do it, what's the point of asking a sponsor for anything

16
00:01:22,180 --> 00:01:27,340
 if you're not going to do what they say? So anyway, so I was at a meeting last night and

17
00:01:27,340 --> 00:01:32,000
 it's, we, it says in our literature, we hear it all the time in AA. And if you're new,

18
00:01:32,000 --> 00:01:38,620
 this is important too, that, that we're only, none of us is, is guaranteed sobriety after

19
00:01:38,620 --> 00:01:44,460
 we've been around a while. My first sponsor drank at 33 years of sobriety. And so we're

20
00:01:44,460 --> 00:01:51,540
 not, none of us has, has a guarantee of being sober, but we do have a lot of ways to learn

21
00:01:51,540 --> 00:01:56,280
 how to live sober. And Elizabeth was talking about that. It's, it's less about learning

22
00:01:56,280 --> 00:02:00,100
 how to quit drinking. And it's more about learning how to live without alcohol and be

23
00:02:00,100 --> 00:02:05,420
 productive enough at a service to other people enough that alcohol becomes something we don't

24
00:02:05,420 --> 00:02:10,540
 even think about. It's, it's not even a part of our lives anymore, which is a remarkable

25
00:02:10,540 --> 00:02:14,720
 thing. I might even call it a miracle if I was into really, but it's just a remarkable

26
00:02:14,720 --> 00:02:20,160
 thing for now. And and so last night I was at a meeting where I'm telling you, my sponsor

27
00:02:20,160 --> 00:02:24,660
 was sitting two seats over from me. A couple of other guys that he sponsors were sitting

28
00:02:24,660 --> 00:02:28,960
 with us and there were things going, it was one of those meetings I'd never been to this

29
00:02:28,960 --> 00:02:33,880
 meeting before, and they just weren't doing it my way. And I don't know, I can usually

30
00:02:33,880 --> 00:02:38,980
 kind of let that slide, but for some reason last night, they really, they were an embarrassment

31
00:02:38,980 --> 00:02:44,740
 to Alcoholics Anonymous, from my point of view. These people were just shamefully inept.

32
00:02:44,740 --> 00:02:50,380
 I was, I was embarrassed for AA and as being a member of AA. And I left there and I was

33
00:02:50,380 --> 00:02:56,360
 just in turmoil over my judgment of the people in there and the meeting. But that, but that's

34
00:02:56,360 --> 00:03:00,600
 never enough. Turmoil is never enough. I've got to really amp it up a little bit. I like

35
00:03:00,600 --> 00:03:05,460
 to take the turmoil and put a couple of jumper cables against it to really get it going.

36
00:03:05,460 --> 00:03:12,180
 So I called my sponsor and I told him about it and he was trying, he was very calming

37
00:03:12,180 --> 00:03:18,260
 because he always is. He's very, a calm guy. And he said, you know, if they knew better,

38
00:03:18,260 --> 00:03:23,420
 they'd do better. His sponsor was Chuck C for a while. So I have to listen to him. And

39
00:03:23,420 --> 00:03:28,760
 it's still just, you know, I realized today while I was just at home doing ordinary stuff

40
00:03:28,760 --> 00:03:34,640
 that we do at home, it occurred to me that I could easily have taken a drink last night,

41
00:03:34,640 --> 00:03:39,560
 not even with a second thought. And it tells us in our literature that there is a time

42
00:03:39,560 --> 00:03:45,660
 where we have no defense against the first drink, none, that it shows up and we just

43
00:03:45,660 --> 00:03:54,080
 take it unless, unless our, we have spit spit, fit spiritual lives. And I don't know what

44
00:03:54,080 --> 00:03:59,060
 I was thinking about that today. I must be, I must be terrible if I was 40 years sober

45
00:03:59,060 --> 00:04:03,620
 and thinking about drinking today. And I've got a lot to live for. I've got a lot to,

46
00:04:03,620 --> 00:04:08,100
 a lot of great things happening in my life and people in my life. And I've built a life

47
00:04:08,100 --> 00:04:15,280
 that I've, I've come to cherish. And yet in my mind, I would throw all that away to drink

48
00:04:15,280 --> 00:04:22,200
 at the people that I objected to. And that's the old me coming up. That's me from 41 years

49
00:04:22,200 --> 00:04:28,140
 ago, just bitter and angry because no one will live up to my expectations of how they

50
00:04:28,140 --> 00:04:33,280
 should behave. None of them. And it's, and it they're closing in on. And that's how I,

51
00:04:33,280 --> 00:04:36,400
 that's why I drink now. Now I should start from the beginning because I kind of got ahead

52
00:04:36,400 --> 00:04:40,320
 of myself, but I had to sort of tell them myself first because I had to get that out

53
00:04:40,320 --> 00:04:44,900
 before I forgot about it. But I never wanted to be an alcoholic. I'm an only child. My

54
00:04:44,900 --> 00:04:50,340
 mother had four boys and three of them died at birth and I was the only one who survived,

55
00:04:50,340 --> 00:04:57,140
 which would make most people I think feel blessed or happy, but I always felt like,

56
00:04:57,140 --> 00:05:01,180
 why me? Why couldn't it, why couldn't one of the other guys have lived because I don't

57
00:05:01,180 --> 00:05:05,860
 want to be here. I don't like this place. I'm not crazy about people. I don't want to

58
00:05:05,860 --> 00:05:10,860
 be around them even though I demand their approval constantly, which is a problem for

59
00:05:10,860 --> 00:05:18,020
 folks. I had enormous potential to do things. I wasn't stupid. My, my father got out. He

60
00:05:18,020 --> 00:05:23,060
 had to quit school in the fifth grade or sixth grade. My mom quit school in the seventh grade.

61
00:05:23,060 --> 00:05:27,420
 And so they were not terribly happy when I didn't show a lot of enthusiasm for being

62
00:05:27,420 --> 00:05:31,440
 a student because they, they tried to make my life good. You know, my father worked hard

63
00:05:31,440 --> 00:05:37,060
 every day of his life and my mom did too. And it wasn't enough. It just wasn't enough.

64
00:05:37,060 --> 00:05:40,700
 It was pathetic. I look at the other kids and look at what they've got, you know, look

65
00:05:40,700 --> 00:05:46,940
 at what their parents do. My dad leaves for work in the morning and in squishy sold shoes

66
00:05:46,940 --> 00:05:54,340
 with a gray zip-up jacket and, and gray pants and a lunch pail. And my neighbors, my other

67
00:05:54,340 --> 00:05:59,660
 kids at school, their parents left the house in suits and ties with briefcases. And I felt

68
00:05:59,660 --> 00:06:04,340
 like my father couldn't cut it, you know? And, and then to be told I have potential

69
00:06:04,340 --> 00:06:09,540
 to do better and not do it was another thing. So I always felt like I was just, my father

70
00:06:09,540 --> 00:06:14,300
 was disappointed in me. I was a sickly kid. I had asthma from the time I was two years

71
00:06:14,300 --> 00:06:19,700
 old and I always use, I use that to make people feel sorry for me and to manipulate my way

72
00:06:19,700 --> 00:06:24,620
 out of having to do things I didn't want to do. Nothing will get you out of chores more,

73
00:06:24,620 --> 00:06:31,020
 more quickly than just wheezing. I had wheezing down to a fine art and I did that. And then

74
00:06:31,020 --> 00:06:37,260
 I graduated from high school eventually and with no, with nothing, no notoriety except

75
00:06:37,260 --> 00:06:42,860
 my, my potential. And I wound up going to a party right after I turned 18. Now I haven't

76
00:06:42,860 --> 00:06:46,980
 had a drink up to this point and I didn't intend to because I thought alcoholics were

77
00:06:46,980 --> 00:06:53,260
 losers and people with a lot, with bad willpower. I found out that's partly true, but that's

78
00:06:53,260 --> 00:06:57,540
 getting ahead of it. But I went to a party and I didn't want to be there, but my friends

79
00:06:57,540 --> 00:07:01,800
 said, let's go. And we went, excuse me. And it was exactly what I thought it would be.

80
00:07:01,800 --> 00:07:06,580
 It was full of people. Again, I don't want to be there. They were all hippies. I hated

81
00:07:06,580 --> 00:07:11,220
 hippies. I was 18 at the time, but I hated hippies and I didn't like my parents' generation

82
00:07:11,220 --> 00:07:14,660
 either. So it puts you in a really delicate position. When you don't like your parents'

83
00:07:14,660 --> 00:07:19,340
 generation, you can't stand your own generation. I realized that there were only two kinds

84
00:07:19,340 --> 00:07:25,260
 of people in the world. That's me and everybody else. And that's how I felt. And I go to this

85
00:07:25,260 --> 00:07:33,680
 party and I'm looking around at these miserable philosophy, 101 spewing, long haired, phony

86
00:07:33,680 --> 00:07:38,780
 ferret face, little bastards. And I wanted to leave, but I'd only been there five minutes.

87
00:07:38,780 --> 00:07:42,100
 So it's hard to leave after five minutes, especially when your friend doesn't want to

88
00:07:42,100 --> 00:07:46,580
 leave. And I stood there just grinding on the fact that I had to stay and someone walked

89
00:07:46,580 --> 00:07:50,460
 by and handed me a can of malt liquor. And I cracked that open and I started to drink

90
00:07:50,460 --> 00:07:55,020
 it. And halfway through that can of malt liquor, it occurred to me that I'd been way too hard

91
00:07:55,020 --> 00:08:00,760
 on you people. Now I, I began to feel like I began to feel better about things. I began

92
00:08:00,760 --> 00:08:06,940
 to feel like, I don't know, like a, like a, a mixture of Errol Flynn and David Niven and

93
00:08:06,940 --> 00:08:12,820
 John Lennon, all in one irresistible cocktail. You know, I was attractive to the women at

94
00:08:12,820 --> 00:08:18,700
 the party. It's like, you know, really attractive, like get them going. Ladies, my eyes are up

95
00:08:18,700 --> 00:08:22,820
 here. And that's, that's how I felt inside after, after half a can of malt liquor. And

96
00:08:22,820 --> 00:08:29,940
 I felt alive for the first time that I could recall in my life. And I had no idea what

97
00:08:29,940 --> 00:08:34,020
 the problem was, what happened. All I knew was I want to do this again. I want to do

98
00:08:34,020 --> 00:08:39,020
 it again. And I wound up later going into a blackout. My friend wanted to leave. Apparently

99
00:08:39,020 --> 00:08:43,580
 he decided he was just going to start driving away if I wouldn't go. I wound up running

100
00:08:43,580 --> 00:08:48,060
 alongside of his car, holding onto the door handle and trotting alongside of his car and

101
00:08:48,060 --> 00:08:54,940
 throwing up all over myself and just laughing my ass off because I was free. I had finally

102
00:08:54,940 --> 00:09:01,780
 broken the bonds of whatever it was that was holding me in that tight little box that I

103
00:09:01,780 --> 00:09:06,860
 felt all the time and never understood how to get out of there. And when I drank, it

104
00:09:06,860 --> 00:09:11,540
 just unlocked that box. And I felt like a human being for the first time. And you would

105
00:09:11,540 --> 00:09:17,860
 think, and that's, that's AA's great tripwire phrase, by the way, is you would think, you

106
00:09:17,860 --> 00:09:23,860
 would think that knowledge, having that knowledge that, that when I take a drink of alcohol

107
00:09:23,860 --> 00:09:30,100
 that that makes me feel alive, useful, attractive, my potential is being fulfilled while I'm

108
00:09:30,100 --> 00:09:35,960
 drinking, I feel good about you. And I'm fascinated in you for the first time ever. And you would

109
00:09:35,960 --> 00:09:41,420
 think that would be a good thing. The trouble is it's, it's an illusion. The effect alcohol

110
00:09:41,420 --> 00:09:47,160
 had on me was not real. And I didn't, I couldn't get that through my head even into sobriety,

111
00:09:47,160 --> 00:09:51,640
 but the effect alcohol had on me was just an illusion. And it's an illusion that only

112
00:09:51,640 --> 00:09:58,300
 10% of the population has. Alcoholism is, as Clancy used to call it, a disease of perception.

113
00:09:58,300 --> 00:10:04,100
 What I see about the reality of the world is usually, and I have to tell myself this

114
00:10:04,100 --> 00:10:08,540
 all the time. I have been doing this for years. And that is when I start to have a reaction,

115
00:10:08,540 --> 00:10:12,060
 with the exception of last night, when I start to have a reaction against something or about

116
00:10:12,060 --> 00:10:16,780
 something, I have to tell myself I'm probably wrong. And it always turns out that yes, indeed,

117
00:10:16,780 --> 00:10:22,620
 I am wrong. Not a bad, not in a terrible way or a defeatist way, but I'm just mistaken.

118
00:10:22,620 --> 00:10:27,740
 And I get corrected and I go, okay, I'll remind myself next time not to judge like that or

119
00:10:27,740 --> 00:10:32,220
 not to do this thing because I'm probably wrong. And that's, that's what I live with.

120
00:10:32,220 --> 00:10:37,180
 But I'll tell you something. Alcohol always made my, it always calibrated my view of the

121
00:10:37,180 --> 00:10:42,140
 world. When I drank, it made my view of the world come into place instead of, instead

122
00:10:42,140 --> 00:10:47,500
 of the way sobriety made it feel, which was all wonky. When I drank, I was right down

123
00:10:47,500 --> 00:10:54,900
 the center lane, you know, and I felt good and, and focused and alive, just full of joy

124
00:10:54,900 --> 00:11:00,220
 at first. And over a period of about 12 years of drinking, my life just started to go, you

125
00:11:00,220 --> 00:11:05,300
 know how it goes. Some of us get to go, but mine just, just goes, you know, creak, creak

126
00:11:05,300 --> 00:11:12,220
 crash, creak, creak, crash until pretty soon by the 11th of June of 1981, I was peeing

127
00:11:12,220 --> 00:11:17,900
 blood. I was tired. I was finished. I didn't want anything but to be out of this world,

128
00:11:17,900 --> 00:11:22,620
 you know? And I've got a pretty boring drunk a log. I've never come out of a blackout

129
00:11:22,620 --> 00:11:27,700
 going cover, cover me. I'm going in, you know, you hear those stories in AA all the time.

130
00:11:27,700 --> 00:11:32,260
 Somebody, I came out of a blackout yelling call for backup. I never had that happen.

131
00:11:32,260 --> 00:11:36,140
 I've never had anything heroic happen when I'm drinking. I've never had anybody say,

132
00:11:36,140 --> 00:11:40,140
 or I've never said anything coming out of a blackout that was heroic. I've had people

133
00:11:40,140 --> 00:11:44,860
 say things to me like, boy, I bet that hurt, but because I'm a, I'm a self-injuring alcoholic

134
00:11:44,860 --> 00:11:51,660
 by, by just accident usually, but my life was a mess. I couldn't, I had started college

135
00:11:51,660 --> 00:12:00,020
 at 18. I finally graduated at 31. I had a few detours along the way. I had gotten married

136
00:12:00,020 --> 00:12:04,780
 in that period and had been a complete disappointment as a husband to this woman who was a lovely

137
00:12:04,780 --> 00:12:10,420
 human being except she didn't know what she was in for. Really. I remember when I and

138
00:12:10,420 --> 00:12:15,480
 this is how sneaky alcoholism is. I think her brother, she told me her brother had drinking

139
00:12:15,480 --> 00:12:20,420
 problems. You know, Bob is Bob's a bad drinker. And when he drinks, he goes, he has to be

140
00:12:20,420 --> 00:12:25,740
 put in a hospital after he drinks and his marriage is breaking up. And, and he he does

141
00:12:25,740 --> 00:12:30,300
 things and says things that are just horrible. And he's been in rehab. He's, they didn't

142
00:12:30,300 --> 00:12:34,820
 have any rehabs back in the, in the seventies and eighties before Betty Ford, really. They

143
00:12:34,820 --> 00:12:39,460
 had a few like Shick and some of those places, Raleigh Hills, where they, they would try

144
00:12:39,460 --> 00:12:44,420
 to get you straightened out. But Bob kept going to, you know, as the book says, we go

145
00:12:44,420 --> 00:12:49,780
 to sanitariums and health farms and those places, and he still was not going to drink.

146
00:12:49,780 --> 00:12:53,300
 And so he was going to, I had met him for one time before he was coming to our house

147
00:12:53,300 --> 00:12:59,660
 for the evening for dinner. And she she said, just be cool. Don't remember Bob's got a problem.

148
00:12:59,660 --> 00:13:03,620
 No problem. He came over to our house. First thing I did was pull out a quart of bourbon

149
00:13:03,620 --> 00:13:09,300
 and we started drinking and we had the best time. And I realized my wife was way overthinking

150
00:13:09,300 --> 00:13:14,260
 this, you know, she, she had really overstepped her bounds and trying to, I mean, Bob and

151
00:13:14,260 --> 00:13:18,420
 I were having, we were out listening to music and laughing. It was like, we knew each other

152
00:13:18,420 --> 00:13:22,420
 forever. We were having a great time going through this bourbon. And I glanced over at

153
00:13:22,420 --> 00:13:26,940
 one point and there, there she was standing at the door, giving me what I like to think

154
00:13:26,940 --> 00:13:30,540
 of it. This is the international sign that you're not going to get a compliment if a

155
00:13:30,540 --> 00:13:35,220
 woman does this to you. And it's like, it's like calling your dog by slapping the newspaper

156
00:13:35,220 --> 00:13:40,620
 on your leg. And so I had to excuse myself from my company and go over and she stepped

157
00:13:40,620 --> 00:13:44,900
 aside so I could go into the bedroom and she shut the bedroom door and she had tears in

158
00:13:44,900 --> 00:13:51,940
 her eyes and she was shaking. And she said, Bob, stop giving Bob alcohol. Bob is an alcoholic.

159
00:13:51,940 --> 00:13:56,980
 And he was, I looked at her and I said, Bob is no more of an alcoholic than I am. The

160
00:13:56,980 --> 00:14:01,340
 problem we have here is that you're a nag and you need to back off sister. I turned

161
00:14:01,340 --> 00:14:06,620
 around and walked out the bedroom door, triumphant, you know, went back in. She was stayed, she

162
00:14:06,620 --> 00:14:11,420
 stayed inside. She was sobbing in the bedroom. So we turned the stereo up, you know, we didn't

163
00:14:11,420 --> 00:14:16,380
 want to be bothered. She wrote, didn't want to harsh my buzz. And and two weeks later

164
00:14:16,380 --> 00:14:21,660
 Bob died. He drowned. He went out, he'd been drinking and taking pills and he went out

165
00:14:21,660 --> 00:14:25,660
 on Lake Castaic and he never came out of the water. And he was a strong swimmer and he

166
00:14:25,660 --> 00:14:31,980
 was 25 years old, the same age I was. And he was a handsome young guy who had a wife

167
00:14:31,980 --> 00:14:35,620
 and a five-year-old daughter that he left behind. And no one talked about alcoholism

168
00:14:35,620 --> 00:14:39,700
 at his, at his funeral. No one talked about drinking. No one talked about any of that.

169
00:14:39,700 --> 00:14:45,420
 And that family just, just quivered with grief and bewilderment because that's what we do.

170
00:14:45,420 --> 00:14:50,940
 We just bewilder people with the way we behave and the things we do. And the sad thing is,

171
00:14:50,940 --> 00:14:56,820
 and that's what Elizabeth was talking about, I can't stop myself. I can't just not uncork

172
00:14:56,820 --> 00:15:02,140
 the bottle, you know, or unscrew it as most of us do. Once I have it, once it's set in

173
00:15:02,140 --> 00:15:08,620
 motion, I am destined to do that. It's not like I got a bad habit that went out of control.

174
00:15:08,620 --> 00:15:16,700
 It is that I, once I, some sequence of things happens to me and my reactions go off, I must

175
00:15:16,700 --> 00:15:22,300
 drink. I must drink. And on the 11th of June of 1981, I was in a meditation retreat and

176
00:15:22,300 --> 00:15:26,440
 I don't know why I wanted to go to that. My therapist was throwing it and I thought maybe

177
00:15:26,440 --> 00:15:31,660
 I'd have some, I have some revelation, you know, and I did, I did. I went there. I didn't

178
00:15:31,660 --> 00:15:35,340
 take a drink that day because she had told me she didn't want me to ever show up at one

179
00:15:35,340 --> 00:15:40,180
 of her appointments drunk. So I just drank afterward. And I went to this meditation retreat

180
00:15:40,180 --> 00:15:46,380
 in Montecito, which is only like a half hour from here. And she, on Saturday morning, she

181
00:15:46,380 --> 00:15:53,060
 led us to a guided meditation at just about the time I started just sober up from two

182
00:15:53,060 --> 00:15:58,660
 nights earlier. And I started to detox at this meditation retreat, which is, you know,

183
00:15:58,660 --> 00:16:02,740
 that's not what meditation retreats are for. And it's really, if you, if you decide to

184
00:16:02,740 --> 00:16:07,980
 go to a meditation retreat to detox, keep your receipt because it's not going to be,

185
00:16:07,980 --> 00:16:12,980
 it's not going to turn out well. And she led us to this guided meditation of walking through,

186
00:16:12,980 --> 00:16:17,340
 we're walking through a field and we can feel the grass between and feel the grass between

187
00:16:17,340 --> 00:16:22,440
 your toes. And you see a waterfall and you go to the waterfall and you step right up

188
00:16:22,440 --> 00:16:27,900
 to the waterfall and you can feel the mist blowing in your face from this waterfall.

189
00:16:27,900 --> 00:16:32,740
 And then the waterfall turns blue and you step into it. And the water, the blue water

190
00:16:32,740 --> 00:16:38,420
 washes over you and it washes away all of your sorrow. And then the water turns green

191
00:16:38,420 --> 00:16:43,820
 and it washes away all your jealousy and it turns red and it washes away all your anger.

192
00:16:43,820 --> 00:16:50,620
 And we went through the entire Sherwin Williams catalog. The water turns antique white and

193
00:16:50,620 --> 00:16:55,140
 washes some damn thing away. And by the time she was done, she said, now I want you to

194
00:16:55,140 --> 00:16:59,060
 step back and I want you to, and now all the other people were apparently really into this

195
00:16:59,060 --> 00:17:03,300
 because they were sighing. We were all laying on the floor with our heads together like

196
00:17:03,300 --> 00:17:08,760
 spokes on a wheel sticking out and everybody else was just into it. And all I could do

197
00:17:08,760 --> 00:17:14,300
 was think, I'm not meditating. I'm not in a field. My back, I'm tired. I don't want to

198
00:17:14,300 --> 00:17:18,340
 lay on the floor. I can feel the shag carpet going through the back of my shirt. And I

199
00:17:18,340 --> 00:17:25,540
 was just detoxing and feeling worse and worse. And finally, she brought us out of it, turned

200
00:17:25,540 --> 00:17:30,300
 off the pan flute music. And she said, now I want you to go out on the grounds of the

201
00:17:30,300 --> 00:17:37,700
 meditation retreat, this beautiful place, Casa Maria up in near Santa Barbara. And she

202
00:17:37,700 --> 00:17:42,860
 said, I want you to walk around the grounds out there for the next five hours. But before

203
00:17:42,860 --> 00:17:47,420
 that she had told us, I want you to look through the waterfall and you will see on the other

204
00:17:47,420 --> 00:17:52,340
 side of that waterfall where you're going to be five years from now. And I looked into

205
00:17:52,340 --> 00:17:58,360
 that waterfall and saw myself hanging from the back of the bathroom door at my mother's

206
00:17:58,360 --> 00:18:03,620
 house with a belt from my robe. I had it around my neck. I was hanging dead and that's what

207
00:18:03,620 --> 00:18:08,620
 I saw. And I couldn't believe what I was seeing. And then when she brought us out of the meditation,

208
00:18:08,620 --> 00:18:12,340
 she said, go out on the grounds in the next five hours and think about your life and think

209
00:18:12,340 --> 00:18:16,260
 about how you can get to where you're supposed to be in five years. Well, you know, when

210
00:18:16,260 --> 00:18:21,100
 you've seen yourself hanging and that's your best shot at what the future looks like, I

211
00:18:21,100 --> 00:18:25,620
 went out on the grounds and I sat out there and I thought, this is it. I just feel despair.

212
00:18:25,620 --> 00:18:31,100
 I want to kill myself. And I wanted to die. And I want I took my belt off and I couldn't

213
00:18:31,100 --> 00:18:35,420
 figure out how to use it to hang myself. And that's the only reason I'm here right now

214
00:18:35,420 --> 00:18:42,900
 is I tanked out of Cub Scouts when I was about nine and I didn't pass the rope, the rope

215
00:18:42,900 --> 00:18:47,820
 section at the time. And there I was at this retreat and I couldn't figure out how to use

216
00:18:47,820 --> 00:18:53,260
 my belt to hang myself. And I sat down and started to cry and a voice inside of me that

217
00:18:53,260 --> 00:18:57,660
 wasn't really a voice, but it seemed like a voice said, you are everything that you're

218
00:18:57,660 --> 00:19:03,340
 afraid of. And I still love you. And I felt loved through my entire spirit to my entire

219
00:19:03,340 --> 00:19:09,060
 body. I felt loved for about 30 seconds. And then it faded away. And what I think happened,

220
00:19:09,060 --> 00:19:14,860
 you know, based on my experience as a sober alcoholic, I, I started teaching English when

221
00:19:14,860 --> 00:19:18,660
 I was when I was sober for about five years, I got a job teaching English, a career teaching

222
00:19:18,660 --> 00:19:23,860
 English. And I used to teach essay writing. And there's the process essay where you teach

223
00:19:23,860 --> 00:19:28,460
 how to do something. And I had an example of a process essay that I was using with my

224
00:19:28,460 --> 00:19:33,820
 students that described how to open an oyster. And it was written by a guy who knew how to

225
00:19:33,820 --> 00:19:37,980
 open oysters, obviously. And he said that you, you can't force them open because they

226
00:19:37,980 --> 00:19:42,620
 will not open their muscles, they just suck themselves shut. And you couldn't pull them

227
00:19:42,620 --> 00:19:49,060
 apart with two Dodge Rams, try to pull them apart. But if you're a an experienced fisherman,

228
00:19:49,060 --> 00:19:53,260
 you just run your tip of your knife along the seam where they're closed, you run your

229
00:19:53,260 --> 00:19:57,500
 tip of the knife around there, and they have to breathe, they they'll open up just a little

230
00:19:57,500 --> 00:20:01,420
 bit to let some air in. And that's called the purchase point. And when you hit when

231
00:20:01,420 --> 00:20:05,340
 you feel the purchase point with the knife tip, you slide it right through and they're

232
00:20:05,340 --> 00:20:09,780
 powerless to stay shut, and then you can eat them. And what I believe happened was that

233
00:20:09,780 --> 00:20:15,620
 I, my higher power found my purchase point and split me wide open that day, and I couldn't

234
00:20:15,620 --> 00:20:19,780
 pull myself shut fast enough. And it only lasted for a little while. So I managed to

235
00:20:19,780 --> 00:20:25,900
 pull it together. But it altered me. And a week later, I was I was asked if I would pick

236
00:20:25,900 --> 00:20:30,620
 up Debbie, who was my my brother in law's widow and take her to an AA meeting because

237
00:20:30,620 --> 00:20:36,620
 she had had to go to to a place called what was it called care unit that was in this place

238
00:20:36,620 --> 00:20:41,220
 in Orange, California. And they told her get to an AA meeting when you get out. So she

239
00:20:41,220 --> 00:20:44,740
 got out that day and she needed a ride. And she asked me if I would give her a ride. And

240
00:20:44,740 --> 00:20:48,500
 I said, What a coincidence. I quit drinking this week because I went home from that meditation

241
00:20:48,500 --> 00:20:52,820
 retreat. And I haven't had a drink since I've had a drink since that moment when I felt

242
00:20:52,820 --> 00:20:56,740
 love. I don't know why. It's not like I didn't want to drink. It's not like like even last

243
00:20:56,740 --> 00:21:01,260
 night that I didn't want to drink. But something has changed in me. And something has changed

244
00:21:01,260 --> 00:21:07,720
 in me because of what happened, picking Debbie up at that detox, because in the 20 minutes

245
00:21:07,720 --> 00:21:12,140
 it took to drive from the place, the care unit to the meeting in Tustin, California,

246
00:21:12,140 --> 00:21:18,340
 it was a Sunday night Tustin City Hall meeting. And in that 20 minutes, Debbie 12 step me

247
00:21:18,340 --> 00:21:22,420
 and she had 22 days of sobriety. And if you think you don't have enough time to work with

248
00:21:22,420 --> 00:21:28,160
 somebody new, that woman saved my life with her 22 days because she shared the message

249
00:21:28,160 --> 00:21:34,200
 with me that she had found in this care unit. And she's, we pulled up in front and I'm having

250
00:21:34,200 --> 00:21:37,860
 the imaginary gnats that are whipping around my peripheral vision. I don't know if anybody

251
00:21:37,860 --> 00:21:41,900
 else got those, but they would just hang there, you know, because it was hot. It was summertime.

252
00:21:41,900 --> 00:21:45,900
 It was hot and they would just dangle there. And then you go to look at them and they're

253
00:21:45,900 --> 00:21:50,680
 they're gone, you know, and I go back to talking to whoever I'm talking to, back they come.

254
00:21:50,680 --> 00:21:55,300
 And so I'm sitting in the car with the gnats appearing. And Debbie said, I said, What time

255
00:21:55,300 --> 00:21:58,100
 do you want me to come pick you up? And she said, Why don't you come in the meeting with

256
00:21:58,100 --> 00:22:02,460
 me? And I said, you know, because I'm not alcoholic, I'm not going to come in the meeting.

257
00:22:02,460 --> 00:22:06,100
 And she said, she said, Well, you don't have to be alcoholic to come to this meeting. It's

258
00:22:06,100 --> 00:22:11,940
 an open meeting. And it's a speaker meeting. And, and visitors are welcome. So if you want

259
00:22:11,940 --> 00:22:15,900
 to come, he said you quit drinking this week, maybe you'll hear something inside that'll

260
00:22:15,900 --> 00:22:21,020
 help you. How do they come up with this stuff? I have no idea. She was she was way too new

261
00:22:21,020 --> 00:22:27,120
 to actually have that answer. But she gave me that answer. And I went to the meeting,

262
00:22:27,120 --> 00:22:30,940
 went into the meeting, didn't like it didn't like any other people. It was just this idiot.

263
00:22:30,940 --> 00:22:34,900
 They got me they had to get me a big book. Come on, Charlie, you have got a big book.

264
00:22:34,900 --> 00:22:39,120
 I thought, Listen, I work on the receiving doc of a bookstore. We got lots of big books.

265
00:22:39,120 --> 00:22:42,860
 How big a book are we talking about? And they dragged me up to the literature lady who looked

266
00:22:42,860 --> 00:22:49,260
 like something out of a horror movie. She had she had white hair that flipped like this.

267
00:22:49,260 --> 00:22:54,380
 It was platinum blonde, actually. She wore a white Stetson cowboy hat. She was about

268
00:22:54,380 --> 00:23:01,620
 six foot three. She had white chiffon flowing top and white flowing chiffon pants that made

269
00:23:01,620 --> 00:23:05,740
 her look like she just run through a set of drapes before she came into the meeting and

270
00:23:05,740 --> 00:23:11,780
 she prayed at me. And I thought, Oh God, I am I do not belong here. I don't fit with

271
00:23:11,780 --> 00:23:17,260
 these people. I don't like them. I had I was used to wear a Sherlock Holmes hat. I'd shoulder

272
00:23:17,260 --> 00:23:22,700
 length here. I wore sunglasses at night. I was very cool. And I I didn't want anything

273
00:23:22,700 --> 00:23:28,940
 you had. She said that it costs three. She said, you know, it's $5 if you want one. And

274
00:23:28,940 --> 00:23:32,460
 I said, Well, you know what, I've only got $3. So she said, Well, that's no problem.

275
00:23:32,460 --> 00:23:38,080
 I mean, tonight, it's special. It's the second. It's the second Sunday of the month. Let me

276
00:23:38,080 --> 00:23:43,820
 just take it's $2 tonight. $2. And that third dollar just dropping in the basket when it

277
00:23:43,820 --> 00:23:49,020
 goes by because nobody stays sober around here on somebody else's dime. I said, Okay,

278
00:23:49,020 --> 00:23:52,800
 so the basket went around. I don't know where she was in the meeting, but I had that dollar

279
00:23:52,800 --> 00:23:57,920
 bill up and I let that baby drop and flutter down into the basket hoping that she would

280
00:23:57,920 --> 00:24:02,980
 see it. And I've been doing that ever since. You know, it just it's just something we do.

281
00:24:02,980 --> 00:24:07,540
 And I stayed for the speaker. I liked him apparently. And I went home. I dropped Debbie

282
00:24:07,540 --> 00:24:11,140
 off and went home and I didn't drink for the next week. And I didn't understand I didn't

283
00:24:11,140 --> 00:24:15,220
 have an AA program. I didn't even know what AA was. But I had a big book, big book. And

284
00:24:15,220 --> 00:24:20,260
 I started looking at it and thought this is the dumbest. What What is this? Gee Ma ain't

285
00:24:20,260 --> 00:24:24,660
 it grand the wind stop blowing? I've got a degree in English and journalism. I don't

286
00:24:24,660 --> 00:24:28,320
 need someone to help. You know, like they were saying get yourself a sponsor, Charlie.

287
00:24:28,320 --> 00:24:31,740
 I thought for what? And I said, Well, he'll walk you through the big book. I thought,

288
00:24:31,740 --> 00:24:37,340
 Oh, oh, I should get a guide to walk me through the jaywalker analogy here. And I need someone

289
00:24:37,340 --> 00:24:42,740
 to help me unpack that or king alcohol in the denizens of his mad realm. You know, that's

290
00:24:42,740 --> 00:24:49,100
 spooky stuff. I don't need a sponsor. I can read. I've studied the finest literature and

291
00:24:49,100 --> 00:24:54,740
 the human and all human leader, literary endeavors. And I don't need someone to help me do this.

292
00:24:54,740 --> 00:24:59,500
 Well, you know, I didn't read it. I just glanced at it. And the reason I finally got a sponsor

293
00:24:59,500 --> 00:25:03,300
 because about two weeks later, I was going to a different group and they just wouldn't

294
00:25:03,300 --> 00:25:09,440
 shut up about getting a sponsor. And I want to tell you something for you new people.

295
00:25:09,440 --> 00:25:13,540
 You don't have to be sincere to stay sober. Really, though. In fact, we enjoy it when

296
00:25:13,540 --> 00:25:18,820
 you're insincere because you're more fun to watch. But I got a sponsor just to shut people

297
00:25:18,820 --> 00:25:23,900
 up from asking me if I needed one. Thank you. And so I got a sponsor. He sat me down and

298
00:25:23,900 --> 00:25:27,940
 told me what he wanted me to do. Get to meetings early, shake people's hands, ask them their

299
00:25:27,940 --> 00:25:31,700
 name. And all I'm thinking is I don't like to shake people's hands. I don't care about

300
00:25:31,700 --> 00:25:35,280
 their name. I don't care how they are, you know, but I didn't say that out loud because

301
00:25:35,280 --> 00:25:39,820
 he was big and he was not happy. He could get surly on a dime. He could just turn. So

302
00:25:39,820 --> 00:25:44,420
 I kept nodding. Okay, okay. And I started doing what he asked me to do. And about eight

303
00:25:44,420 --> 00:25:49,060
 months sober, I was standing at my meeting doing what what we Irish were trained to do.

304
00:25:49,060 --> 00:25:53,940
 And that's mop. And I was mopping at the Ohio Street clubhouse. And I looked at the line

305
00:25:53,940 --> 00:25:59,580
 of people lined up to thank the speaker. And I realized in here that I liked all of them.

306
00:25:59,580 --> 00:26:02,860
 I knew everybody's name. And I liked them. How does that happen for someone who doesn't

307
00:26:02,860 --> 00:26:06,480
 like people? How does that even happen for people? You know, they were strangers to me

308
00:26:06,480 --> 00:26:10,820
 eight months before. And now I really like them. And I knew all their names. I called

309
00:26:10,820 --> 00:26:14,460
 my sponsor at home that night and told him what happened. He said, You had a moment of

310
00:26:14,460 --> 00:26:20,340
 grace sport. That's, that's God. That's the fact that you did enough in your first eight

311
00:26:20,340 --> 00:26:24,460
 months, like giving people rides and getting the meetings and talking to people and going

312
00:26:24,460 --> 00:26:27,940
 out for coffee and getting commitments at all your meetings to be of service to the

313
00:26:27,940 --> 00:26:33,180
 group. And again, giving rides to people and doing all the stuff, going to the big book

314
00:26:33,180 --> 00:26:36,820
 study, letting other people talk about the big book, you keep your mouth shut about the

315
00:26:36,820 --> 00:26:40,740
 big book, because nobody cares what your opinion is anyway. And I would do I did everything

316
00:26:40,740 --> 00:26:45,780
 you told me to do. And by the end, you know, by the end of that up to that moment, I've

317
00:26:45,780 --> 00:26:50,340
 been keeping my higher power locked away inside. And what happened was I got out of my own

318
00:26:50,340 --> 00:26:54,380
 way long enough to let him out. Now, whatever your higher power you pursue what you perceive

319
00:26:54,380 --> 00:26:58,580
 your higher power to be is your business and yours alone. And you can't don't let anybody

320
00:26:58,580 --> 00:27:02,540
 tell you what your higher power ought to be. But I know that mine resides inside of me,

321
00:27:02,540 --> 00:27:07,100
 and I'm able to see it in you, not in myself. I only see it in other people. Last night

322
00:27:07,100 --> 00:27:11,980
 when when I was grinding on this meeting, and the way people were acting in this meeting,

323
00:27:11,980 --> 00:27:16,680
 I couldn't see their higher power. I wasn't looking for I was looking for reasons of reasons

324
00:27:16,680 --> 00:27:21,340
 to justify my own feelings. And that's deadly for alcoholics. And I had to go back to just

325
00:27:21,340 --> 00:27:25,580
 learning how to surrender to that power in me and asking it to show itself and which

326
00:27:25,580 --> 00:27:30,880
 I'm still doing. I don't it hasn't shown itself necessarily, but it will. But that's what

327
00:27:30,880 --> 00:27:35,460
 what I have to tell you is that between the book and the meetings and the fellowship,

328
00:27:35,460 --> 00:27:39,620
 your life will start to change just as mine did. Like I said, I became a teacher. And

329
00:27:39,620 --> 00:27:43,700
 then after I've been teaching for seven years, I thought that was finally it. And I got offered

330
00:27:43,700 --> 00:27:48,620
 a job as a career as a writer, and I wound up writing for the next 30 years. So you never

331
00:27:48,620 --> 00:27:51,720
 know where it's going to go. And that's not a promise to you that you're going to find

332
00:27:51,720 --> 00:27:57,560
 some great fancy fantasy job. But I'll tell you something, Alcoholics Anonymous works,

333
00:27:57,560 --> 00:28:01,980
 it will help you to find out what you are and what you should be doing by the grace

334
00:28:01,980 --> 00:28:08,540
 of that power that resides in all of us. And it also binds us together as alcoholics trying

335
00:28:08,540 --> 00:28:13,340
 to find a solution to their living problems so that you and I don't have to drink anymore

336
00:28:13,340 --> 00:28:18,700
 because I've known David for 35 years. And and I know I could call even if I hadn't talked

337
00:28:18,700 --> 00:28:22,620
 to him for 20 years, I know I could call him and say, David, this is Charlie, I'm having

338
00:28:22,620 --> 00:28:27,100
 trouble staying sober. Would you talk to me and he will even if he hates me, anybody who

339
00:28:27,100 --> 00:28:31,380
 even people that don't like you will talk to you because that's what they know they

340
00:28:31,380 --> 00:28:37,100
 have to do. Because another suffering alcoholic has asked for help. And that's what we do.

341
00:28:37,100 --> 00:28:42,500
 And it works. And it allows you to live comfortably in a world that you may not understand under

342
00:28:42,500 --> 00:28:47,460
 the guidance of a higher power that I don't understand it, I see it, I experience it around

343
00:28:47,460 --> 00:28:51,880
 with other people. I don't feel it in myself. I know it's there. And I have to you take

344
00:28:51,880 --> 00:28:57,220
 action. So that are reflections of what that higher power is to help maybe somebody else

345
00:28:57,220 --> 00:29:02,560
 see it in me. And I do it all anonymously. I don't post this crap on Facebook. I don't

346
00:29:02,560 --> 00:29:06,980
 care if I get any likes for being sober. I don't need a pat on the head because a works

347
00:29:06,980 --> 00:29:11,560
 on its own. And it works. It works when you get your dream job. And it works when you

348
00:29:11,560 --> 00:29:16,260
 lose your dream job. And it works when you fall in love. And it works when the love goes

349
00:29:16,260 --> 00:29:19,980
 away. And it works when you're in good health. And it works when your health is failing.

350
00:29:19,980 --> 00:29:24,280
 And it works when you cut your children's umbilical cords. And it works when you're

351
00:29:24,280 --> 00:29:29,380
 trying to resuscitate them when they've had an overdose. A works and it will keep you

352
00:29:29,380 --> 00:29:34,620
 sober. And the people around you will guide you through this life and show you how to

353
00:29:34,620 --> 00:29:40,240
 find great joy and be of great service to that power. And I really appreciate you having

354
00:29:40,240 --> 00:29:57,100
 me tonight and thank you Scott again. Thank you. Have a good weekend everybody.