1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:03,000
 I couldn't get in the wrong place.

2
00:00:03,000 --> 00:00:07,000
 Thank you, Ashley. I'm an alcoholic.

3
00:00:07,000 --> 00:00:11,000
 Thank you so much for your share, Nate. It was incredible.

4
00:00:11,000 --> 00:00:16,000
 I pretty much identified with everything you said, so I was really happy to get a meeting before the meeting.

5
00:00:16,000 --> 00:00:21,000
 I just want to thank Scott for asking me to come. It's really such an honor.

6
00:00:21,000 --> 00:00:25,000
 It's so good to see you smiling in your warm eyes.

7
00:00:25,000 --> 00:00:29,000
 It's just really so good to be in a physical meeting, I have to say.

8
00:00:29,000 --> 00:00:35,000
 I feel really emotional because it's been a while since I've been in a small meeting like this with the steps on the wall.

9
00:00:35,000 --> 00:00:37,000
 I just feel really grateful.

10
00:00:37,000 --> 00:00:41,000
 I just want to share very quickly. It's a funny story and I'll just take one minute.

11
00:00:41,000 --> 00:00:46,000
 Before I came tonight, my two-year-old son got locked into the bathroom.

12
00:00:46,000 --> 00:00:51,000
 He went in and he locked the door and we could not get it open.

13
00:00:51,000 --> 00:00:58,000
 My husband went and found a shovel and I was like, "Oh, no. Oh, no."

14
00:00:58,000 --> 00:01:04,000
 I called the fire department and I was texting Scott, "I don't know if I'm going to take it, but we'll see."

15
00:01:04,000 --> 00:01:08,000
 They got him out and then he got to sit in the fire truck.

16
00:01:08,000 --> 00:01:15,000
 My stomach is in knots, but I knew if I just came to the meeting and I showed up that I would feel better.

17
00:01:15,000 --> 00:01:19,000
 I always know that if doing service, it grounds.

18
00:01:19,000 --> 00:01:21,000
 I feel like I just did.

19
00:01:21,000 --> 00:01:26,000
 Instantly, I walked in. I've never met anybody here, but I just connected to the share.

20
00:01:26,000 --> 00:01:29,000
 That's just what I've learned to do in AA.

21
00:01:29,000 --> 00:01:33,000
 My sobriety date is February 8, 2009.

22
00:01:33,000 --> 00:01:37,000
 Scott asked me on my sobriety date not knowing if I would speak.

23
00:01:37,000 --> 00:01:42,000
 It just turned 13, so it's really a gift to be able to be here too.

24
00:01:42,000 --> 00:01:45,000
 I'll share a little bit about what it was like.

25
00:01:45,000 --> 00:01:49,000
 I'd say that my story is pretty garden variety.

26
00:01:49,000 --> 00:01:53,000
 I identify with the escape from reality that was shared.

27
00:01:53,000 --> 00:01:57,000
 I very much feel like I was addicted to fantasy first off.

28
00:01:57,000 --> 00:02:03,000
 From the youngest age I can remember, it just escaped imagination play.

29
00:02:03,000 --> 00:02:06,000
 I was an only child for quite some time until I was 13.

30
00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:09,000
 It was just me and myself in my own world.

31
00:02:09,000 --> 00:02:12,000
 I had this homesickness. I didn't understand it.

32
00:02:12,000 --> 00:02:16,000
 No matter where I was, it just felt like I wasn't home.

33
00:02:16,000 --> 00:02:20,000
 Even from age six, I was like, "Oh, I'm missing something.

34
00:02:20,000 --> 00:02:23,000
 Where is it?"

35
00:02:23,000 --> 00:02:26,000
 Like a longing.

36
00:02:26,000 --> 00:02:30,000
 I feel that I was also really locked into myself.

37
00:02:30,000 --> 00:02:34,000
 It was almost like whenever I was around friends, I wanted to participate.

38
00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:37,000
 I wanted to connect so badly, but I just couldn't.

39
00:02:37,000 --> 00:02:40,000
 I don't even know if I was shy. I just couldn't share myself.

40
00:02:40,000 --> 00:02:47,000
 I don't know. It was a very strange feeling that I even would wish upon a star.

41
00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:53,000
 I didn't pray then. I just remember asking, "Please remove this. It's awful."

42
00:02:53,000 --> 00:02:56,000
 When I found alcohol, I was pretty young.

43
00:02:56,000 --> 00:03:00,000
 I went looking for it. I found it under the counter of the bar.

44
00:03:00,000 --> 00:03:04,000
 I mixed it all into one water bottle like this and took it to my friend's house.

45
00:03:04,000 --> 00:03:07,000
 It was beautiful.

46
00:03:07,000 --> 00:03:10,000
 It was the blackout the first night. It was incredible.

47
00:03:10,000 --> 00:03:14,000
 I remember it was a spiritual experience for me.

48
00:03:14,000 --> 00:03:17,000
 That was what I was looking for with alcohol.

49
00:03:17,000 --> 00:03:21,000
 I thought after that feeling again and again and again,

50
00:03:21,000 --> 00:03:24,000
 a feeling of just safe for myself, for my thoughts.

51
00:03:24,000 --> 00:03:27,000
 Just like you said, I could connect finally.

52
00:03:27,000 --> 00:03:29,000
 I could finally show you who I really am.

53
00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:32,000
 That was my belief until I came into the rooms.

54
00:03:32,000 --> 00:03:37,000
 Nobody can really know who I am unless I am under the influence of something.

55
00:03:37,000 --> 00:03:39,000
 I can't actually show myself to you.

56
00:03:39,000 --> 00:03:41,000
 We can't have that experience,

57
00:03:41,000 --> 00:03:46,000
 which is why I think when I tried it on my own before I knew about AA,

58
00:03:46,000 --> 00:03:48,000
 I kept drinking.

59
00:03:48,000 --> 00:03:49,000
 I would try not to drink.

60
00:03:49,000 --> 00:03:52,000
 I kept drinking because I needed to have that experience,

61
00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:54,000
 that human connection.

62
00:03:54,000 --> 00:04:00,000
 I had a lot of scary episodes from the time I started drinking until the end.

63
00:04:00,000 --> 00:04:05,000
 I ended up in the hospital, almost died a few times under the gutter.

64
00:04:05,000 --> 00:04:09,000
 Just things that maybe your average 16-year-old doesn't go through.

65
00:04:09,000 --> 00:04:12,000
 I got arrested multiple times. I was on probation.

66
00:04:12,000 --> 00:04:18,000
 I was sent to alcohol classes at 17.

67
00:04:18,000 --> 00:04:27,000
 I was really, really good at just putting the show on.

68
00:04:27,000 --> 00:04:31,000
 I did whatever I needed to do so that I could get where I wanted to go.

69
00:04:31,000 --> 00:04:34,000
 I thought I just need to learn how to control my alcohol better.

70
00:04:34,000 --> 00:04:36,000
 I need to get smarter.

71
00:04:36,000 --> 00:04:38,000
 I just always get caught.

72
00:04:38,000 --> 00:04:40,000
 My other friends don't.

73
00:04:40,000 --> 00:04:43,000
 I got through that phase.

74
00:04:43,000 --> 00:04:47,000
 I got into the school of my dreams in San Francisco.

75
00:04:47,000 --> 00:04:49,000
 I got through that period of time.

76
00:04:49,000 --> 00:04:52,000
 I just share that because they might have been AAMAs actually.

77
00:04:52,000 --> 00:04:55,000
 I don't even remember because I was just not ready yet.

78
00:04:55,000 --> 00:04:58,000
 I feel like I meet people like that sometimes.

79
00:04:58,000 --> 00:04:59,000
 That's okay.

80
00:04:59,000 --> 00:05:02,000
 I couldn't hear the message at all.

81
00:05:02,000 --> 00:05:09,000
 Going through San Francisco at 18 as an alcoholic woman was very scary.

82
00:05:09,000 --> 00:05:18,000
 I feel like I'm really lucky I survived walking through the Tenderloin late at night by myself and blacking out, making up in straight places.

83
00:05:18,000 --> 00:05:26,000
 By the time I was 19, I knew there was something wrong because I got into a lot of trouble when I was really young.

84
00:05:26,000 --> 00:05:28,000
 Then suddenly people stopped looking.

85
00:05:28,000 --> 00:05:35,000
 I was really fueled by anger like, "I'm just going to show you guys. I'm going to show you. I'm going to prove myself. I'm going to be somebody."

86
00:05:35,000 --> 00:05:39,000
 People left me alone by the time I was 19.

87
00:05:39,000 --> 00:05:47,000
 I was like, "Oh, nobody's watching anymore. Oh, something's not right. What am I fighting, I guess?"

88
00:05:47,000 --> 00:05:51,000
 Because I was really fueled by this anger and this rage inside of me.

89
00:05:51,000 --> 00:05:54,000
 I did finish school.

90
00:05:54,000 --> 00:06:02,000
 I did get into the career of my dreams, but I knew very quickly that's when I started to control my alcohol.

91
00:06:02,000 --> 00:06:06,000
 Because I got into this job that meant a lot to me.

92
00:06:06,000 --> 00:06:11,000
 I was a blackout drinker, so I could go a week maybe without drinking.

93
00:06:11,000 --> 00:06:16,000
 Then it was just binge, binge, binge. Sorry, not blackout, binge drinker.

94
00:06:16,000 --> 00:06:18,000
 I binged for two, three days.

95
00:06:18,000 --> 00:06:21,000
 I definitely couldn't function or show up.

96
00:06:21,000 --> 00:06:27,000
 That's when I started trying to control my alcohol and just doing things like, "I won't drink around my coworkers."

97
00:06:27,000 --> 00:06:32,000
 I worked at an animation studio. I was an artist. It was like a dream job for me.

98
00:06:32,000 --> 00:06:38,000
 I was really controlling my drinking 24 years, 23 something.

99
00:06:38,000 --> 00:06:45,000
 I would hang out and then I would go home and I would start drinking later and stay up all night.

100
00:06:45,000 --> 00:06:47,000
 Just really strange behavior.

101
00:06:47,000 --> 00:06:50,000
 I knew that I couldn't just have one.

102
00:06:50,000 --> 00:06:56,000
 I started just doing crazy things like, "If I get engaged, I'll stop drinking."

103
00:06:56,000 --> 00:07:02,000
 Then I got engaged. I was like, "Okay, now I have to do a geographic to get away from this relationship."

104
00:07:02,000 --> 00:07:06,000
 My first job was in Texas of all places for animation.

105
00:07:06,000 --> 00:07:11,000
 I did a geographic to Los Angeles back home, back near California.

106
00:07:11,000 --> 00:07:15,000
 I was just in this mess. I was alone again.

107
00:07:15,000 --> 00:07:21,000
 My fiancé, our relationship wasn't very healthy, was back there.

108
00:07:21,000 --> 00:07:27,000
 I was living alone in an apartment. I felt like I might die because I couldn't not drink.

109
00:07:27,000 --> 00:07:33,000
 I was just totally sitting on my hands, just so uncomfortable in this new job that I found.

110
00:07:33,000 --> 00:07:37,000
 I didn't want people to see me drunk.

111
00:07:37,000 --> 00:07:42,000
 Like was mentioned, I was very desperate. I was really, really desperate.

112
00:07:42,000 --> 00:07:46,000
 If you don't mind giving me 10-minute warning, I don't want to state.

113
00:07:46,000 --> 00:07:51,000
 I started really having some isms.

114
00:07:51,000 --> 00:07:56,000
 I joined a speech class at work where I worked with the animation studio.

115
00:07:56,000 --> 00:08:00,000
 They were like, "Tell us your story if you can come to work and tell us a little bit about you."

116
00:08:00,000 --> 00:08:04,000
 I decided I was so desperate for connection, you guys, that I went to work.

117
00:08:04,000 --> 00:08:10,000
 My lunch break to this speech group was five people sitting around a round table.

118
00:08:10,000 --> 00:08:14,000
 I started telling them all about my bulimia, all about that I survived.

119
00:08:14,000 --> 00:08:18,000
 I went through therapy. I was desperate for connection.

120
00:08:18,000 --> 00:08:25,000
 I was looking for an AA meeting, I realized, without knowing that that was available to me or that it existed.

121
00:08:25,000 --> 00:08:30,000
 I'm just pouring my heart out and telling them everything I've been through and this longing inside of me.

122
00:08:30,000 --> 00:08:35,000
 I think that I'm better now because I'm reading the power of now.

123
00:08:35,000 --> 00:08:37,000
 I'm meditating. I'm doing all this stuff.

124
00:08:37,000 --> 00:08:42,000
 I started getting some notes from people, emails like, "Are you okay?"

125
00:08:42,000 --> 00:08:45,000
 "Someone left a flower on my desk."

126
00:08:45,000 --> 00:08:48,000
 I went to a friend that had six months sober.

127
00:08:48,000 --> 00:08:51,000
 I was just like, "I think that there's something wrong with you."

128
00:08:51,000 --> 00:08:56,000
 I think maybe I want to check out one of these meetings, too.

129
00:08:56,000 --> 00:09:01,000
 I knew that he had been drinking, but he wasn't telling me what he was doing.

130
00:09:01,000 --> 00:09:06,000
 I knew he was meeting people and he was playing music with some people he met at a meeting.

131
00:09:06,000 --> 00:09:08,000
 I was like, "Maybe I can go make friends there."

132
00:09:08,000 --> 00:09:11,000
 He was like, "Okay, well, I'm not going to meet. I'm not going to take you."

133
00:09:11,000 --> 00:09:15,000
 He was very smart. He said, "Go on your own. You're going to sit with the women."

134
00:09:15,000 --> 00:09:18,000
 I was just like, "Wow, you're really rude."

135
00:09:18,000 --> 00:09:22,000
 He was really, I think, empowering me to do it for myself.

136
00:09:22,000 --> 00:09:26,000
 I went to, I think it was Third and Gardner on Melrose.

137
00:09:26,000 --> 00:09:30,000
 It's called Third and Gardner on Melrose and Fairfax in Los Angeles.

138
00:09:30,000 --> 00:09:34,000
 It was Saturday morning. It was 400 people.

139
00:09:34,000 --> 00:09:39,000
 I just remember a man got up to celebrate his one-year anniversary.

140
00:09:39,000 --> 00:09:42,000
 He had a one-year-old with him.

141
00:09:42,000 --> 00:09:44,000
 I never got to meet my father.

142
00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:46,000
 He was an alcoholic and an addict.

143
00:09:46,000 --> 00:09:48,000
 It flashed before my eyes.

144
00:09:48,000 --> 00:09:54,000
 Just this feeling of like, "Okay, maybe if my father hadn't been an addict or an alcoholic,

145
00:09:54,000 --> 00:09:57,000
 we would have a relationship. What does that mean for me?"

146
00:09:57,000 --> 00:10:02,000
 I just started putting all these pieces together as these people were sharing.

147
00:10:02,000 --> 00:10:05,000
 Really vulnerable, as you know, in an AA meeting.

148
00:10:05,000 --> 00:10:08,000
 I thought, "Maybe I'm in the right place, actually.

149
00:10:08,000 --> 00:10:10,000
 Maybe this is something that can work for me."

150
00:10:10,000 --> 00:10:16,000
 Still with all this resistance, of course, because I didn't know what this program was about.

151
00:10:16,000 --> 00:10:20,000
 I remember going to fellowship and someone saying to me,

152
00:10:20,000 --> 00:10:25,000
 "I remember being that desperate. You have the gift of desperation."

153
00:10:25,000 --> 00:10:27,000
 I was really offended by that.

154
00:10:27,000 --> 00:10:32,000
 I went to fellowship, went to phone numbers, and I just remember that feeling of all angles.

155
00:10:32,000 --> 00:10:36,000
 Someone brought me a book. Someone gave me a meeting directory.

156
00:10:36,000 --> 00:10:40,000
 It was just like, "Wow, these are just other alcoholics just like me."

157
00:10:40,000 --> 00:10:44,000
 I thought everyone was so much more advanced than me and they knew everything.

158
00:10:44,000 --> 00:10:49,000
 Just because someone had six months, I thought that they were way healthier than me.

159
00:10:49,000 --> 00:10:54,000
 I didn't know. They were just drunks just like me, one day at a time,

160
00:10:54,000 --> 00:10:58,000
 doing what they had to do for their recovery as well.

161
00:10:58,000 --> 00:11:03,000
 That experience kept me coming back and I do remember in that first week thinking,

162
00:11:03,000 --> 00:11:07,000
 "If I don't hear something tonight, I don't think I'm going to come back."

163
00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:13,000
 It was inconvenient to get to one meeting, but I kept hearing something.

164
00:11:13,000 --> 00:11:18,000
 I'll tell you what really stood out to me was the spiritual solution.

165
00:11:18,000 --> 00:11:20,000
 I didn't have a connection with God.

166
00:11:20,000 --> 00:11:24,000
 I just kept thinking, "What are they talking about?

167
00:11:24,000 --> 00:11:28,000
 I think I want that and I think I deserve that."

168
00:11:28,000 --> 00:11:37,000
 This concept that I could find this spiritual experience that I knew I was looking for when I was drinking alcohol.

169
00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:43,000
 I knew that's what I was looking for when I was out trying to connect with people in the bar,

170
00:11:43,000 --> 00:11:45,000
 stumbling around and falling down.

171
00:11:45,000 --> 00:11:51,000
 I kept coming back and eventually got a sponsor.

172
00:11:51,000 --> 00:11:58,000
 I remember when I was so crazy in my first several weeks, but I was so nervous.

173
00:11:58,000 --> 00:12:03,000
 I was going to meet a sponsor and I got into a small car accident.

174
00:12:03,000 --> 00:12:09,000
 I was just so freaked out by everything and everything was so overwhelming and intense.

175
00:12:09,000 --> 00:12:12,000
 It was like my feelings were just going to kill me.

176
00:12:12,000 --> 00:12:19,000
 I started with a really cool sponsor who drove a motorcycle and had long red hair.

177
00:12:19,000 --> 00:12:22,000
 It was just very intimidating.

178
00:12:22,000 --> 00:12:27,000
 Then I heard somebody speak at a meeting that talked about meditation.

179
00:12:27,000 --> 00:12:31,000
 I started calling her and I started going to these groups at her house.

180
00:12:31,000 --> 00:12:34,000
 Then I asked her to sponsor me.

181
00:12:34,000 --> 00:12:39,000
 What we would do is we'd sit at their house and meditate in a circle and someone would guide it.

182
00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:43,000
 I left that first meeting and had a panic attack on the way home.

183
00:12:43,000 --> 00:12:49,000
 I never sat with myself fully without any substances and stillness.

184
00:12:49,000 --> 00:12:52,000
 It was just like building into an explosion.

185
00:12:52,000 --> 00:12:55,000
 I didn't have to pull over and call a friend.

186
00:12:55,000 --> 00:13:00,000
 I called that friend that brought me into the first meeting, that friend of mine.

187
00:13:00,000 --> 00:13:03,000
 I went over to his house and he just held my hand as I cried.

188
00:13:03,000 --> 00:13:09,000
 I didn't drink and I performed that night and called some more people. I woke up the next day.

189
00:13:09,000 --> 00:13:13,000
 I went back again the next week and went to another meeting.

190
00:13:13,000 --> 00:13:16,000
 That's what I kept doing.

191
00:13:16,000 --> 00:13:21,000
 I called another friend that I met in the rooms and did gratitude lists at night.

192
00:13:21,000 --> 00:13:26,000
 I remember that friend and the two people that I met in my first month ended up going out and dying,

193
00:13:26,000 --> 00:13:28,000
 which is really, really sad.

194
00:13:28,000 --> 00:13:35,000
 I always remember them because I just remember how they were just average people just drunk like me trying to do this thing.

195
00:13:35,000 --> 00:13:38,000
 It's so precious what we get here.

196
00:13:38,000 --> 00:13:44,000
 The fact that they could carry the message to me and help to keep me sober just blows me away.

197
00:13:44,000 --> 00:13:47,000
 I started doing the step work.

198
00:13:47,000 --> 00:13:51,000
 Like I said, the concept that I could choose my own higher power,

199
00:13:51,000 --> 00:13:58,000
 I thought it was the most brilliant thing I'd ever heard because I was really angry about the idea of God when I came in.

200
00:13:58,000 --> 00:14:03,000
 I was reading all these spiritual books and I thought that I was so much better when I would go to fellowship.

201
00:14:03,000 --> 00:14:07,000
 I actually was that person who would be like, "You guys should just be in the moment."

202
00:14:07,000 --> 00:14:09,000
 They were like, "Keep coming back."

203
00:14:09,000 --> 00:14:14,000
 I was crazy just because I'd read Ephraim Tolle and all this stuff.

204
00:14:14,000 --> 00:14:20,000
 I didn't actually feel any of it. It was just all up here.

205
00:14:20,000 --> 00:14:26,000
 I had to do a lot of work around that third step, 11th step.

206
00:14:26,000 --> 00:14:32,000
 Something that worked for me was just sit and feel love for a few minutes every day.

207
00:14:32,000 --> 00:14:36,000
 Just let yourself sit or look at some beautiful photos or quotes.

208
00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:44,000
 I love the set-aside prayer and just let myself cultivate that feeling of love, even if it's for two minutes.

209
00:14:44,000 --> 00:14:51,000
 As I started to get into step four, I did everything I thought was the easier, softer way.

210
00:14:51,000 --> 00:14:53,000
 I tried to take all the tricks.

211
00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:56,000
 Instead of doing a sex inventory, I saw a sex therapist.

212
00:14:56,000 --> 00:15:01,000
 Instead of doing my step work, I did the hardest way first because it was just so cool.

213
00:15:01,000 --> 00:15:06,000
 Eventually, I finished that inventory.

214
00:15:06,000 --> 00:15:08,000
 I was like, "Wow, why didn't I do this sooner?"

215
00:15:08,000 --> 00:15:10,000
 Then I finished my steps.

216
00:15:10,000 --> 00:15:16,000
 I could see what I was doing. It was just a resistance.

217
00:15:16,000 --> 00:15:20,000
 I get why it takes people so long to finish their inventory.

218
00:15:20,000 --> 00:15:26,000
 When I did that, when I did finish my inventory and got around to the immense process,

219
00:15:26,000 --> 00:15:30,000
 what really struck me was that I was so eager to do things right away.

220
00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:37,000
 I did actually make some mistakes because I jumped into things way before I was ready and ruined relationships.

221
00:15:37,000 --> 00:15:40,000
 Sober.

222
00:15:40,000 --> 00:15:43,000
 I remember one particular relationship.

223
00:15:43,000 --> 00:15:47,000
 My sponsor was saying, "More will be revealed around this."

224
00:15:47,000 --> 00:15:50,000
 Around the one where I fleed from the fiancé.

225
00:15:50,000 --> 00:15:55,000
 I wanted to make amends so badly because I really harmed that person.

226
00:15:55,000 --> 00:15:59,000
 They were like, "You don't have to do anything today. More will be revealed."

227
00:15:59,000 --> 00:16:06,000
 Eventually, several months later, it was done effortlessly where I got to go back to Texas.

228
00:16:06,000 --> 00:16:12,000
 There were people I got to stay with that were in recovery that someone gave my number.

229
00:16:12,000 --> 00:16:17,000
 I remember showing up to one of these people's houses and they had prayers all over their house.

230
00:16:17,000 --> 00:16:24,000
 I'm not from the Christian background, but it was so comforting just to be around a sober home with prayers.

231
00:16:24,000 --> 00:16:30,000
 Then to go off and do this immense process and then come back to this safe and sober place.

232
00:16:30,000 --> 00:16:33,000
 I was just like, "What is happening?"

233
00:16:33,000 --> 00:16:38,000
 Eventually, I have a stepdad and I didn't grow up knowing my father.

234
00:16:38,000 --> 00:16:43,000
 He did die of this disease, but I was driving home to see my family.

235
00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:47,000
 I just realized I was listening to NPR and they were talking about adoption.

236
00:16:47,000 --> 00:16:51,000
 I got home and I asked my stepdad, "Would you like to adopt?"

237
00:16:51,000 --> 00:16:56,000
 He stopped and he looked at me and he almost started crying.

238
00:16:56,000 --> 00:16:59,000
 He was like, "Really? You really would want me to adopt you?"

239
00:16:59,000 --> 00:17:02,000
 I was like, "Yes, I love you and I want to build our relationship."

240
00:17:02,000 --> 00:17:05,000
 I didn't realize in that moment after I took my sponsor, she was like,

241
00:17:05,000 --> 00:17:10,000
 "What a beautiful amends," but it was this natural thing that just came out of me.

242
00:17:10,000 --> 00:17:15,000
 I was like, "I want a relationship with you. I want to let you into my life."

243
00:17:15,000 --> 00:17:18,000
 I've had such a hard time letting this love in.

244
00:17:18,000 --> 00:17:24,000
 I realized I did this inventory and I've been blaming you for all this stuff that wasn't you.

245
00:17:24,000 --> 00:17:29,000
 It was just so beautiful because it wasn't forced and it wasn't scripted.

246
00:17:29,000 --> 00:17:33,000
 It was just very natural. It just came from the heart.

247
00:17:33,000 --> 00:17:39,000
 When we did go through that adoption process, it was like the lawyer that we used in the probation.

248
00:17:39,000 --> 00:17:43,000
 My whole family was there. My two half-sisters, they were crying.

249
00:17:43,000 --> 00:17:48,000
 I had no idea that I was going to create those ripples through my whole family.

250
00:17:48,000 --> 00:17:53,000
 My dad and I call him dad. He's my stepdad, but he did adopt me.

251
00:17:53,000 --> 00:18:02,000
 We have a beautiful relationship today because I realized what was my part in never knowing my father.

252
00:18:02,000 --> 00:18:08,000
 My part was that I wasn't letting the love in and I was being an asshole to every man in my life.

253
00:18:08,000 --> 00:18:13,000
 I wasn't letting him have a relationship with me.

254
00:18:13,000 --> 00:18:21,000
 I still continue to do that work, to open my heart up and see where the love is coming in.

255
00:18:21,000 --> 00:18:31,000
 I thought another thing that was interesting, synchronicity started popping out everywhere for me when I got sober.

256
00:18:31,000 --> 00:18:38,000
 I really thought that I was unlovable when I got sober. I was so young when I got sober.

257
00:18:38,000 --> 00:18:44,000
 I was like, "How am I going to find love? No one's going to want someone who's sober. It's just going to be so hard."

258
00:18:44,000 --> 00:18:50,000
 I moved to New York City when I was two years sober and got to get involved and to AA there.

259
00:18:50,000 --> 00:18:57,000
 I'll just quickly tell you, I was riding the train back and forth to work.

260
00:18:57,000 --> 00:19:04,000
 My husband, who was my coworker at the time, was on the train while we were headed to work.

261
00:19:04,000 --> 00:19:06,000
 He worked in Greenwich, coming to New York to Greenwich.

262
00:19:06,000 --> 00:19:11,000
 We were friends for six months until we realized we were both sober in AA.

263
00:19:11,000 --> 00:19:21,000
 We got to be friends for a whole year before we did this sober way where his sponsor was like, "You've got to tell her how you feel."

264
00:19:21,000 --> 00:19:25,000
 We were at pizza one night and he was like, "I have feelings for you."

265
00:19:25,000 --> 00:19:29,000
 I was like, "Really?" and gave him a hard time. I was just like, "I feel the same way."

266
00:19:29,000 --> 00:19:34,000
 It was the coolest opposite of anything you can imagine.

267
00:19:34,000 --> 00:19:42,000
 I was so crazy and so was he. I was five years sober. It's all over now.

268
00:19:42,000 --> 00:19:46,000
 The beautiful thing is that we got to walk through that with our sponsors.

269
00:19:46,000 --> 00:19:55,000
 I called my sponsor every step of the way because it was really tough being in a relationship and being in a space where someone actually made me feel safe.

270
00:19:55,000 --> 00:19:58,000
 I don't know. How much time do I have left?

271
00:19:58,000 --> 00:20:07,000
 It's really interesting. Emotional sobriety. When I got into a relationship that made me feel really safe, a lot of my rage came out.

272
00:20:07,000 --> 00:20:15,000
 I share about this because people think I'm so calm and I'm so grounded, but that was a very scary time for me.

273
00:20:15,000 --> 00:20:24,000
 He stuck through it with me. We got into a lot of arguments. It wasn't all me, of course, but we worked through it together.

274
00:20:24,000 --> 00:20:31,000
 We needed outside help, couples therapy, but I would throw things and I would flip out.

275
00:20:31,000 --> 00:20:38,000
 I never knew I had that kind of anger inside me, but when I used to drink, people used to tell me, "You are a very angry person."

276
00:20:38,000 --> 00:20:44,000
 I'm like, "Really?" I did because I was such a people pleaser. I just thought I was so sweet.

277
00:20:44,000 --> 00:20:48,000
 I remember my first sponsor was like, "You're not sweet."

278
00:20:48,000 --> 00:20:59,000
 I just thought I was so sweet and so nice, but I was just really very people teasing and manipulative and passive aggressive and all those things.

279
00:20:59,000 --> 00:21:05,000
 I really got to tap into the fact that I have an edge to me and I have anger.

280
00:21:05,000 --> 00:21:16,000
 I think today it's a beautiful thing because I can tap into it and I can navigate it and maybe even use it in a positive way.

281
00:21:16,000 --> 00:21:22,000
 That's what I'm trying to say in the right way because anger is something that's trying to teach us something.

282
00:21:22,000 --> 00:21:28,000
 It's a feeling, right? It's like just noticing feelings and leaning into them without shame and fear.

283
00:21:28,000 --> 00:21:35,000
 Another thing I discovered in sobriety is a lot about purpose.

284
00:21:35,000 --> 00:21:41,000
 I thought that I had this big purpose to be this famous artist and I worked on all these feature films.

285
00:21:41,000 --> 00:21:48,000
 Then I started to feel really miserable in my job, like sitting behind a desk all day, doing really superficial work.

286
00:21:48,000 --> 00:21:53,000
 Not to say it was, I don't know, it felt like there was a void for me.

287
00:21:53,000 --> 00:22:02,000
 I did my job, I remember, for a year in New York City and called my sponsor every day, "I hate this job. I don't want this job anymore."

288
00:22:02,000 --> 00:22:07,000
 I just kept coming back until, again, something else was revealed.

289
00:22:07,000 --> 00:22:13,000
 I took a yoga teacher training when I was working and I did all these outside things, these passions.

290
00:22:13,000 --> 00:22:20,000
 I started leading classes, but I didn't just stop. Just because I didn't feel good, I didn't just quit.

291
00:22:20,000 --> 00:22:24,000
 I just kept letting things show up for my program, for my life.

292
00:22:24,000 --> 00:22:34,000
 Eventually, I got fired, which was a gift because I did start saying no to working late, working 15, 16-hour days,

293
00:22:34,000 --> 00:22:38,000
 which all my coworkers were doing, and that wasn't the life I wanted to live.

294
00:22:38,000 --> 00:22:42,000
 I just started saying, "No, sorry, I'm going to go home."

295
00:22:42,000 --> 00:22:46,000
 I wanted other things. I wanted to become a mother. I wanted to have a family.

296
00:22:46,000 --> 00:22:51,000
 I just didn't really see myself in that career, that lifestyle, having the family that I wanted to have.

297
00:22:51,000 --> 00:22:56,000
 Eventually, I transitioned into a different... I started leading yoga.

298
00:22:56,000 --> 00:23:01,000
 My husband, fortunately, he supported me through that.

299
00:23:01,000 --> 00:23:04,000
 I'll share quickly. I started creating my own business,

300
00:23:04,000 --> 00:23:11,000
 and then I decided I wanted to go back to school and become a therapist, so I started studying.

301
00:23:11,000 --> 00:23:15,000
 We were trying to get pregnant, and it's a lot of information,

302
00:23:15,000 --> 00:23:22,000
 but I just want to share one of the synchronicity moments where I really feel like God is speaking to me in my recovery,

303
00:23:22,000 --> 00:23:27,000
 where we had three miscarriages and it was really hard.

304
00:23:27,000 --> 00:23:33,000
 I'd never walked through something that I didn't know I wanted so badly and just couldn't have it.

305
00:23:33,000 --> 00:23:39,000
 It was a humility I never really knew I'd experience because I thought it would come so easily.

306
00:23:39,000 --> 00:23:42,000
 My mom had me at 19, and she always said, "Don't get pregnant."

307
00:23:42,000 --> 00:23:46,000
 I was like, "Okay, I won't," and I did it for a while.

308
00:23:46,000 --> 00:23:51,000
 I thought when I was ready, it would just come first, and it didn't.

309
00:23:51,000 --> 00:23:57,000
 It took two years, and I remember my husband and I went for a walk up in Woodstock, New York,

310
00:23:57,000 --> 00:24:02,000
 a very beautiful monastery up there, and I said, "Can we just do a meditation together?"

311
00:24:02,000 --> 00:24:07,000
 I just said, "Let's just set this vision for this beautiful baby."

312
00:24:07,000 --> 00:24:12,000
 I don't know if we've even visualized it in our lives yet or created space for it.

313
00:24:12,000 --> 00:24:16,000
 It's like we're two sober people walking through the woods holding hands.

314
00:24:16,000 --> 00:24:24,000
 They're praying to have a family, and we found out we were pregnant a month later.

315
00:24:24,000 --> 00:24:28,000
 I can't believe that happened.

316
00:24:28,000 --> 00:24:31,000
 It was such a blessing.

317
00:24:31,000 --> 00:24:44,000
 I have to say, moving around a lot in sobriety has been a real blessing for me because I've gotten to be the new person in a lot of different places.

318
00:24:44,000 --> 00:24:46,000
 It's really scary.

319
00:24:46,000 --> 00:24:55,000
 I got to experience big, big meetings in New York City and then little hometown meetings in Greenwich, Connecticut, where we lived for two years.

320
00:24:55,000 --> 00:25:03,000
 I just love AA so much, and it's held me through so many scary moments.

321
00:25:03,000 --> 00:25:10,000
 Something that was coming to me as I was driving over, I was just praying, and I realized I hadn't prayed probably all week.

322
00:25:10,000 --> 00:25:14,000
 That's not true. Just really, really asked to be.

323
00:25:14,000 --> 00:25:17,000
 My favorite prayer is, "Lead me where you need me to be."

324
00:25:17,000 --> 00:25:23,000
 I just really aim to be teachable, to have that beginner mind every day.

325
00:25:23,000 --> 00:25:25,000
 I want to be surprised.

326
00:25:25,000 --> 00:25:27,000
 I don't want to feel like I'm right.

327
00:25:27,000 --> 00:25:39,000
 I want to have that sense of wonderment and awe in my life and be present in the moment and really look around and feel like I'm learning something new from you, from life.

328
00:25:39,000 --> 00:25:44,000
 I feel like when I get into my will, it doesn't feel that way.

329
00:25:44,000 --> 00:25:48,000
 I'm digging my nails in, and I'm holding on.

330
00:25:48,000 --> 00:25:54,000
 There's been a lot of interesting lessons along the way in the pandemic.

331
00:25:54,000 --> 00:25:59,000
 I have two kids now. One's going to be four, and one just turned two.

332
00:25:59,000 --> 00:26:01,000
 We bought a house recently.

333
00:26:01,000 --> 00:26:04,000
 I just want to share this because it's really kind of funny.

334
00:26:04,000 --> 00:26:12,000
 We bought a house in Westlake Village back in August, and my husband hated this big oak tree in the front yard.

335
00:26:12,000 --> 00:26:15,000
 I remember it was the biggest thing he hated about this house.

336
00:26:15,000 --> 00:26:17,000
 It was his biggest fear.

337
00:26:17,000 --> 00:26:23,000
 We'd only lived there for three weeks, and the oak tree fell on the house in the middle of the night.

338
00:26:23,000 --> 00:26:26,000
 We're very, very grateful because it didn't hurt anyone.

339
00:26:26,000 --> 00:26:29,000
 It could have been really bad. It was 500 years old.

340
00:26:29,000 --> 00:26:31,000
 It was really scary.

341
00:26:31,000 --> 00:26:36,000
 Long story short, I realized we had home insurance.

342
00:26:36,000 --> 00:26:38,000
 I didn't know who. I called my sponsor first.

343
00:26:38,000 --> 00:26:40,000
 I was like, "The oak tree fell on the house."

344
00:26:40,000 --> 00:26:43,000
 She's like, "You should probably call your insurance company, not me."

345
00:26:43,000 --> 00:26:47,000
 I just called my sponsor first when anything happened.

346
00:26:47,000 --> 00:26:49,000
 It turned out we had to move out.

347
00:26:49,000 --> 00:26:56,000
 We're still living out of our home, but we got to remodel the home, like $400,000 from insurance to remodel this home.

348
00:26:56,000 --> 00:27:01,000
 I said to my husband, "This was your biggest fear, and look what came out of it."

349
00:27:01,000 --> 00:27:10,000
 It's interesting to me how we could be so right about something, so sure, but then you just don't know what the bigger picture is.

350
00:27:10,000 --> 00:27:17,000
 It hasn't been easy having two small children and going through everything we've been going through.

351
00:27:17,000 --> 00:27:20,000
 I just try to make this program my priority.

352
00:27:20,000 --> 00:27:25,000
 I try to call my sponsor as much as possible, reach out, do surveys.

353
00:27:25,000 --> 00:27:28,000
 I did start working.

354
00:27:28,000 --> 00:27:34,000
 I started going back to work in a recovery-oriented role.

355
00:27:34,000 --> 00:27:38,000
 I don't even know what I'm trying to say. Sorry, I'm so tired, you guys.

356
00:27:38,000 --> 00:27:42,000
 I get to work with people and do meditation and yoga every day.

357
00:27:42,000 --> 00:27:45,000
 It's such a gift.

358
00:27:45,000 --> 00:27:51,000
 It's such a teacher for me because I realized getting to the room is the hardest part.

359
00:27:51,000 --> 00:27:56,000
 A lot of times, I meet people where I work and also outside of where I work.

360
00:27:56,000 --> 00:27:58,000
 I've had some friends struggling recently.

361
00:27:58,000 --> 00:28:03,000
 My sponsor told me the other day, "That's why we really do service in the room."

362
00:28:03,000 --> 00:28:07,000
 It's like when you get to the room, you meet a newcomer in the room.

363
00:28:07,000 --> 00:28:09,000
 It's like, "Okay, how can I be of service to you?"

364
00:28:09,000 --> 00:28:11,000
 Because I've struggled.

365
00:28:11,000 --> 00:28:15,000
 I was trying to save a friend recently. Thank you.

366
00:28:15,000 --> 00:28:17,000
 It was really hard to watch.

367
00:28:17,000 --> 00:28:21,000
 With her two small kids and her husband, there was some violence.

368
00:28:21,000 --> 00:28:25,000
 She's calling me at 6 o'clock in the morning and 11 o'clock at night.

369
00:28:25,000 --> 00:28:30,000
 All I could do was present her with the meetings, share women's phone numbers.

370
00:28:30,000 --> 00:28:36,000
 Then I had to step back and I had to say, "I'm sorry. I can't see you at a meeting, but I can't do much more than that.

371
00:28:36,000 --> 00:28:39,000
 I can't listen to you talk for an hour.

372
00:28:39,000 --> 00:28:44,000
 I'm not going to be useful until we get to a meeting or you guys get to a marriage counselor."

373
00:28:44,000 --> 00:28:48,000
 I really feel passionate about recovery.

374
00:28:48,000 --> 00:28:54,000
 I never thought I would be this person who wanted to give back in the way that I do.

375
00:28:54,000 --> 00:28:56,000
 I don't know what else to say.

376
00:28:56,000 --> 00:29:03,000
 I might have to end a little bit early, but I feel really grateful to have received 13 years.

377
00:29:03,000 --> 00:29:09,000
 I guess maybe I'll share one more thing to close that I didn't expect to share.

378
00:29:09,000 --> 00:29:14,000
 My grandfather, he was somebody that was in the program when I got sober.

379
00:29:14,000 --> 00:29:16,000
 He really loved this program.

380
00:29:16,000 --> 00:29:18,000
 He gave me one of his coins.

381
00:29:18,000 --> 00:29:21,000
 He took me to a meeting with him in Arizona.

382
00:29:21,000 --> 00:29:28,000
 He was a big teacher for me because he unfortunately let resentments really get to him.

383
00:29:28,000 --> 00:29:31,000
 I remember he had a sponsee that went out.

384
00:29:31,000 --> 00:29:33,000
 It just tore him apart.

385
00:29:33,000 --> 00:29:35,000
 He stopped doing meetings.

386
00:29:35,000 --> 00:29:41,000
 I just remember watching him and how miserable he was because he got away from the program

387
00:29:41,000 --> 00:29:44,000
 versus I remember the light in his eyes.

388
00:29:44,000 --> 00:29:46,000
 There's nothing I could do.

389
00:29:46,000 --> 00:29:51,000
 I had to work a good, strong out in the program around that relationship with my grandfather.

390
00:29:51,000 --> 00:29:59,000
 I just remember I would call him up and I would just love him and love him and then back away and not take it on.

391
00:29:59,000 --> 00:30:02,000
 That was a big lesson for me in my recovery.

392
00:30:02,000 --> 00:30:05,000
 I did a lot of step work around that and that relationship.

393
00:30:05,000 --> 00:30:08,000
 I could have very easily blocked him out, but I didn't.

394
00:30:08,000 --> 00:30:14,000
 I remember the last time I saw him, we were having a little gathering.

395
00:30:14,000 --> 00:30:17,000
 I was so sweet to him. I gave him a big hug.

396
00:30:17,000 --> 00:30:19,000
 I took lots of photos of him with my daughter.

397
00:30:19,000 --> 00:30:21,000
 I remember bringing him a plate of fruit.

398
00:30:21,000 --> 00:30:25,000
 The following week, he took his life.

399
00:30:25,000 --> 00:30:29,000
 I know he struggled and he suffered from this disease.

400
00:30:29,000 --> 00:30:32,000
 That was just two years ago.

401
00:30:32,000 --> 00:30:37,000
 The peace that I had around when he died, it kind of shocked me.

402
00:30:37,000 --> 00:30:42,000
 Not that it wasn't horribly painful, but it was just like something was lifted.

403
00:30:42,000 --> 00:30:47,000
 No human power can relieve us of our suffering.

404
00:30:47,000 --> 00:30:52,000
 There's just been a lot of things for me that have been lifted in my life that I've found peace around.

405
00:30:52,000 --> 00:30:55,000
 I feel like I have a relationship with my grandfather still.

406
00:30:55,000 --> 00:31:03,000
 I went surfing after his death and I remember asking for a wave from him because I was really scared to surf.

407
00:31:03,000 --> 00:31:07,000
 The waves weren't coming, so then I asked his wife.

408
00:31:07,000 --> 00:31:10,000
 She also passed away from cancer the year before.

409
00:31:10,000 --> 00:31:12,000
 I was like, "He's really lazy. Why don't you send me a wave?"

410
00:31:12,000 --> 00:31:16,000
 I was just having so much fun with myself and my conversation that I got up on the wave.

411
00:31:16,000 --> 00:31:18,000
 I was like, "I'm writing this for you."

412
00:31:18,000 --> 00:31:28,000
 There's just been a lot of beautiful waves that I've related to higher power and to struggles in my life that I feel like I never would have had these tools if I wasn't sober.

413
00:31:28,000 --> 00:31:30,000
 I just know that there's more to come.

414
00:31:30,000 --> 00:31:35,000
 When I suffer and I struggle, I just say yes and I show up going.

415
00:31:35,000 --> 00:31:38,000
 You guys, it's so wonderful to be here with you.