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 Hey, we're M. Alcoholic, what it was like, what happened, what it's like now, the graphics, my birthday is June 22, 2019. I have a sponsor Alex, who I sponsor as a sponsor. The quality of life is my home-group, and I'm like, I feel like I could do all the work, you know, I'm born and raised here in the valley, was born in the hospital, met here.

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 Went to the Guineas Elementary School, Guineas Middle School, Guineas High School, and finished at Birmingham High School. So I feel like I'm just like all around from the valley. Growing up, you know, we're kind of, kind of establishing ourselves here. So I remember just having like multiple places to go. Grandma's house is here in the valley. Dad's mom is here, or was here until she passed away. Dad had a house here eventually. Like the valley was just where I had no room.

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 You know, up until, okay, so, you know, just a little bit about my upbringing. My mom was 16 when she was pregnant with me, and it was five days after she turned 17, my dad was 24, and he was here to, you know, build a new life and everything.

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 And I remember growing up right down on Victory Boulevard in Alfordchester and having a house down in the corner, and my ideas of like alcohol and smoking were very skewed because I remember one time I came up to that kid, and this is like a memory, like a foggy memory, of like my dad holding a beer and having a cigarette, and I was just like, "Oh, it's falling." And he was like, you know, I was like, "I didn't know that my parents, you know, did this," you know, especially them being so young.

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 And I always had that like memory where I was like, "I'm going to have this like strong over-version against alcohol."

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 I remember growing up dating, you know, in high school, and everybody else was like having the parties and going out drinking.

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 I remember one time I had a girlfriend that was taking communion, and they would take actual communion wine, and I would smell the wine, and it was like, you know, it was like, it was deeply offended that she would go up there and take communion, and it was like, you know, it was like, "Don't you know what alcohol does?"

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 And the dollar just like stems from this like memory of my dad holding a beer, and you know, growing up, I always wanted to like fit in, and even as early as like elementary school, I remember going into my mom's, you know, grandma's closet, and she had this big old fine gallon jar, the water thing, full of coin, and I would take those coins, and I would like empty them out, and I would make like little bundles of the dollar, and me in elementary school would go out on the playground,

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 and be like, "Hey, you're cool. Have a dollar." "Hey, it's like, you want to be my friend?" "Here, have a dollar."

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 I like this way, and I just always had like people like flocking towards me, and I was like always through my own day, you know, and I always like just loved this attention, and so, and then as I was, you know, getting a little bit older, instead of like giving away money, I became the candy man, so we would go to Costco, buy the thing with candy, and then freeze them overnight, and then I'd be there with my little, my little laptop bag.

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 I had like rows of just candy, and I would sell candy for a dollar, and I did that for like a year, year and a half, where I was not, you know, paying people to be my friend, you were paying me, and I had something that you wanted, and I always had like that kind of relationship with people, I was always transactional, I got something that you wanted, or you're going to give me, you know, affection and attention, and always growing up, I was always like that, so when I got into middle school,

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 instead of being, instead of being like, you know, getting class, and getting a grade, and stuff, because I'm, you know, just flunking out, and I take summer school, but I was always the one that like commanded all the computers in the library, because I'm small, and I know how to use technology, and so I became like the webmaster in sixth grade of our school library, and people would have to come to me to get access to the computers, and it was crazy, I just had like such an ego, that at the end, when I was graduating from middle school,

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 they had just gotten this brand new computer, it was a MacBook Pro, and at the time, this was like the biggest thing, it's like, oh, you know, you can command an airplane with this computer, and I was like, well, for all my work that I've done in the last few years here, I deserve this computer, because you guys don't know how to use it, I know how to use it, so I ended up stealing it, I ended up like breaking into the library, and I picked the lock, and I ended up just taking the computer, and then go home with it, and because I wasn't good in class, I had summer school, so of course,

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 when everybody else was graduating on stage, and everything, I'm there, I couldn't summer school, and there's this big investigation for the computer that I know that it's missing, and they actually, like, they brought in my sister, and they told my sister, they're like, oh, we know your brother has it, so just, you know, you're just gonna tell us where it is, and of course, she had no idea, so she was like, oh yeah, I seen him with this computer at home, and in my mind, she turned on me, right, like, she gave everything up on me, and I think that would be like one of those first resentments of having missed my sister, you know, you know, because she turned me in,

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 and eventually, you know, they came, they completely like flipped the house upside down, and of course, I had the computer up in like my closet, took out my clothes, and I was like my first arrest. Going to high school, you know, I still wanted to be the big shot, I wanted to do things that other people weren't doing, so I joined JROTC, I was in like military cadet, I was a army cadet, and we were doing competition, and rifle shooting, and all this other stuff, and I thought, well, it's like, we're cool,

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 I got like a group of friends that we would actually like break into the ROTC room, and like play with like the uniforms, grab uniforms, and then we would like run around in the streets at night, break into other schools, and I had my little gang, you know, and I was the ring leader, and I was the center of attention, and eventually, like, so we would do like scams, or we would like trade in items, and at that time, they used to have like paper receipts of the credit UNF, and then we would take,

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 like pencil, and write in more of the amount than the credit, and then go back, and we would buy stuff like BB guns, like video games, and stuff like that, this little trading shop, you know, we turned in ten dollars of stuff, and then we'd grab a hundred dollars, because we just had zero at the end of the receipt, and a little paper, and I was always just like, how could I get more, like I'm smarter than everybody else, and I don't know how to do stuff that other people don't know how to do,

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 in high school, that led to me getting arrested again, I did the same thing over again, I was working in the media department, we had filmed a class tv show in the mornings, and they had computer equipment, and camera equipment, and I would borrow cameras, because I had like personal projects that I wanted to do, and in the end, when I was graduating, there it is again, another computer that I wanted, that they didn't deserve, because I know how to use it, and they don't know how to use it, and I'm there, you know, and I take it,

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 and the whole investigation happens again, this time, now the teachers are in trouble, every person that was in the room at that time is being investigated, they're threatening all of us with, you know, you're not going to graduate on stage, and at the end of it, I just, you know what, to let everybody else go, I turned myself in, they said they weren't going to press charges, but I'm not going to graduate on stage, and you know, I didn't graduate on stage in middle school, I didn't graduate on stage in high school, you know, and now this disappointment to my mom, at this point,

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 my mom and dad have divorced, and my dad already moved to Texas, and you know, I'm kind of just navigating my own way, you know, through life, and all I want to do is fit in, and when I say fit in, all I want is everybody else to pay attention to me, and me not having to do anything, and you know, I graduated high school, they, you know, they let me go, and I get my first job at Office Depot, I'm selling, you know, I'm still starting technology, so now I'm selling technology, and I'm selling computers, and I know how to use it,

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 copy and printer, so I'm in the copy and print department, and again, people come to me, because I'm the smart guy, I know what I'm doing, so it just gives me that, like, justification, whatever that I need in my head, that I know something that you don't, I'm better than you, and you guys come to me, because that's what, you know, because I have what you need, and it's transaction, and so, you know, working there, you know, it's fine, I want to get, you know, do something more, I'm not going to college, because I tried community college, school wasn't for me, I'm getting like three

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 F's, a D and a B, or something, and I get a job at Six Flags, and I want something that has authority, so I want to go and be a security guard, I get to the interview, and they're like, oh, you're smart, aren't you, it's like, you know, like us, and then take me backstage, and I'm running reports, you know, so I'm doing like reports for operations of the park, so there's like a small thing that we do backstage, where we manage up and down times for the rides, and we manage all the security reports, so again, I'm separate

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 from the group that I want to be a part of, right, I want to be one of the guides, I want to be one of the friends, somebody on the ground, and it's not like, oh, because you know how to take, and because you can write up reports, we're going to have you backstage, and you're going to be in your own bubble, and so working then for like the summer, at the end of the summer, I finally get invited to one of the parties of the security guards, and so me coming in finally, you know, I'm like, oh yeah, of course, you're getting grace with my presence, you're finally acknowledging who I am,

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 I show up to this party, and they're like, oh, desk is here, desk, you know, because I'm in the back, writing up all the reports, and the first drink they gave me, I was like, oh, I can just drink, and I was like, me having no experience drinking part of this before this, you know, I'm all puritan, thinking alcohol's not even, and here I am with this group of people that I just didn't want to be a part of, so I say, of course, okay, you know, and they give me an Irish car bomb, you know, and drop it in, I take the glass, and throw it back, and just like, I finish the glass, and

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 one drink, put it down, the guy's still drinking, and I'm like, yeah, I can do this, you know, I put another one, and so they set up another one, I drink that one, then I just take it all the way down, and at that night, I finally was like part of a group that just wanted to be with, like, I was a member of, I wasn't above you, I wasn't below you, I was being able to just cruise, and no matter what was left on the table that night, I ended up drinking it in, drinking it in, by the end of the night, I just find a spot in the hallway, and I just grab a flashlight out of my car, and I'm like,

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 hugging this flashlight, and I fall asleep on the floor, and then there's people passing out on the

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 sofas, and everything, it was just normal, I was just like, fell asleep, like, and then the next morning,

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 we wake up, and then you gotta go to work, and I'm still wearing the same uniform from the night before,

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 people have been like, you know, it's like, hey, we gotta be up at seven, I get up, I like, I just jump up, I start waking people up, throwing people in my car, and we get to work, and, and like, I had arrived, there was like that moment where I was like,

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 this is finally the group of people that I want to be with, you know, and I didn't get invited back, but you know,

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 the summer ended, and I had, you know, like, you know, when the major theme park, when summer comes in,

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 they shut down in minimal hours, I go back to working at Office Depot, I'm not feeling satisfied

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 with anything, so I'm thinking, you know, what am I going to do, you know, my mom, at this point, she's

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 pregnant with my little brother, she has a new relationship starting, my sister is getting ready

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 to graduate high school, I have already been out of high school for a year, it's like, what, you know,

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 what am I gonna do, I can't stay here forever, so I end up joining the military, and when I join the military,

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 I want to go in, in again, a position of authority, so I go, I want to be a military police officer,

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 and they get me into MEPS, and they're like, oh yeah, your ASVAB score is super high, you can do any

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 job in the military, it's like, yeah, we'll get you in, and they go in, and they look at my record, and they see

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 that I have two arrests, and they're like, no, you can't do that, we can't get you in as a cop, and I was like, oh,

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 well, what other jobs do you have available, you know, at this time, my mom's a nurse, my grandma's a nurse,

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 my dad's a nurse, you know, all my dad's side of the family is in nursing, so I was like, well, do you have

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 anything in healthcare, you know, because the first thing I wanted to be was anything like a mom, but

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 in this case, I was like, what do you have in healthcare, and they're like, oh, we have a great job,

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 you'll be a healthcare specialist, and it's like, with your ASVAB score, you're going to be a medic

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 to the general, or something, and I was like, okay, that sounds, that doesn't sound bad, right, like me, again, seeking

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 out a case of authority, I'm going to be helping a general, send them back, send them right into my ego, and so I

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 signed up, within six days, I was on an airplane, I ended up at Fort Steau, Oklahoma, and I'm in basic training, and

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 they look at me, and they're like, what's your MOS, I was like, I'm a healthcare specialist, and they're

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 like, oh, shoot, we got a combat medic, I was like, what, I was like, yeah, combat medic, you're the second

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 largest MOS, you're the second largest job in the military, for every infantry, there's a medic,

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 so you go out with every, like, infantry group that there is, and I was like, wait, you know, they said, I'm

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 smart, they said, I'm going to go be a medic to a general, like, you know, like, oh, okay, sure, and so,

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 you know, I go through basic training, like, it was game, like, I understood it, and, you know, I got

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 to my first duty station, and when I got my orders, it said First Armored Division, and we googled First

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 Armored Division, and they're in Germany, so I'm thinking, oh, yeah, this is gonna be nice, for my first duty

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 station, I'm gonna go to Germany, and they get my orders, and I'm in Fort Bliss, Texas, in El Paso, in the

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 middle of the desert, and, and I show up there, and it's literally, like, one, like, building, maybe this

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 size, they got, like, one or two computers, you know, I'm, like, the fifth person there, so apparently the

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 unit was moving from Germany to El Paso, Texas, so I'm part of the group that stands up the unit in El

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 Paso, and so I do what I naturally do, and as I start trying to find out what position that I can,

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 like, fit myself in, that's a position where I can be comfortable, and everybody can come to me, and

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 I show that I can use a computer, and I know how to use Excel, I can draft up these reports, so

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 they're, like, oh, so you're smart, you can use Excel, I can use Excel, I can use Word, whatever, and

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 they get me into headquarters, and so in headquarters, I secure that position where, oh, you need something

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 from me, okay, what are you gonna give me, and I go through this whole transactional thing again, but,

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 you know, I want to be part of, so when the medics come, and we start having, like, um, the real, like, the

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 real, like, you know, unit bonding, or getting ready to go to war, and, you know, we don't know if we're

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 going to come back, so then at that point, every Friday, Saturday, or, you know, every Friday, Saturday,

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 come around Sunday, come to work on Monday, it started happening, and, um, I'm 19 years old, and, or 20 years old,

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 and I'm learning how to drink, so, you know, it starts with, um, the parties in the house, parties

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 in the barracks, where, you know, I'm, like, learning what I like. At this point, I don't like beer. Beer was,

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 like, I don't know, it just didn't taste right, so I just did liquor and, like, soda. On my 21st birthday, I

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 had a t-shirt that had, like, all the hard alcohols, and I said, "Everybody bring your favorite drink,

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 because I don't know how to drink. I'm gonna taste everything, and I'm gonna figure out what I like," and

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 so I think I still have, like, these pictures of just, like, this shelf of just straight alcohol bottles,

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 and that's when I learned that I don't like gin. Just disgusting. Here I am with a caramel back, like a water bladder

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 on my back, so that I can continuously drink water, and I was like, "Okay, we're gonna finish this bottle,

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 and now we're gonna finish this bottle," and I'm here, like, checking off the bottles, and then, um,

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 and then by the end of the night, like, I'm passed out completely, and it's the day before my birthday, so

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 it's not even my birthday yet, and then I'm waking up, and they have, like, a picture of mimosa, like, the

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 champagne in my shoes, and I'm, like, drinking that and playing cards, and still trying to fadrate, and, like,

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 like, doing this, and I'm in and out of consciousness, but I'm thinking, like, this is how it's supposed to be

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 done. This is how we drink, and so when I started drinking every weekend, it became I drank to pass

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 out, or I drank to get drunk, like, it, like, I, that's how I learned how to drink. That's how everybody

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 else around me drank, so then that's how I thought you're supposed to drink. I never thought you were

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 supposed to enjoy it, or drink it for the taste, or whatever. No, I drank to get drunk, and, and I would

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 always, like, drink to the point where, no, I would, like, have this drinking career all up to the point

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 where I would almost start getting in trouble, and then I would move, or something would change, so I

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 would be, I would start drinking almost to the point of getting in trouble, and then we got deployed, right,

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 and so then at that period, I have, like, a period of sobriety, and then we get back, and I start drinking

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 again. I start, you know, drinking these handles, like, a weekend, and to the point where, okay, now it's

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 time to move, so I went to San Antonio, and then in San Antonio, I'm drinking again, getting to know a

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 new group of people, and, like, this is how I know how to socialize with people, and this is how I know

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 how to make friends, and so I would buy alcohol. We'd go out, and we'd drink, and so I'd be in San

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 Antonio, and we'd make new friends. I'd be getting to the point where I'm almost showing, like, my ass,

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 and then we would move, and then they got me orders to go to Germany. All the while, while I

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 was in AIT, actually, I ended up getting married, and how impulsive I am. I ended up meeting my ex-wife

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 in March, the March-April time period, and by May, we were married, so, you know, and I'm thinking, this is,

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 again, this is what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm an adult now, you know, I have to get married, I have to

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 stay the family. I'm gonna get deployed. I don't know if I'm gonna come back, like, like, all these

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 ideas are going through my head, so I, you know, get married to my first wife, and now she's, you know,

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 in El Paso with me, and I'm going through this, you know, drinking on a daily basis, kind of dragging

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 her along with me. She's, you know, just that same age as me, and we don't know any better, and, you know,

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 there was points, there was points where, like, I had the Jeep, I've had my Jeep forever, so there was

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 even points where I would, like, drink off base. I would remove one of the doors from the Jeep on the

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 driver's side, put it in the back seat, and then, like, drive back onto post so that the air would

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 just, like, add all the smell of alcohol, so once I, like, shut up on base, I wouldn't be able to hand in

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 my ID, get on base, and then go home and just kind of pass out. I was like, you don't think suspicious

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 that there's just, like, car driving with one door missing completely just thrown into the back seat?

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 Like, I thought that was normal, right? Like, to cover up my drinking or to cover my behavior, I

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 thought all that was normal, and then, you know, when stuff started to really fall apart for me was

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 when I got into Germany, you know, at that point, before going to Germany, I get, like, my daughter

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 had been born, my daughter was born when I was in, you know, I come home from Iraq, my daughter was

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 maybe five to six months old, my ex-wife is settling down, right, she's assuming her role as a mother,

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 she's trying to take care of the house, and me coming back for more, and now I'm a survivor,

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 right? I've made it through this, and I'm drinking every weekend, and, you know, I'm dancing around,

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 and I'm just doing what I want to feed myself, and when I got those orders to go to Germany,

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 I gave her ultimatum. I told her, you can come with me to Germany or you can go back to your parents,

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 you know, because I'm going to continue doing what I do, and she was like, well, for our daughter,

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 I'm going to stay with you, and we moved together to Germany, and, you know, that was kind of like

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 the beginning where stuff started to kind of fall apart for me, because I still wanted to be that

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 young guy, to go out every weekend, drinking every weekend, doing what I wanted to do, but at the

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 same time, I had this responsibility at home that I just didn't want to fulfill, and a year or so

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 into my time in Germany, my ex-wife's grandfather got sick, and even he got sick. She was like, okay,

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 I'm going to go home and take our dog with us, and for me, that was like a ticket, like a ticket of

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 freedom, right? So now I have a house to myself, and she's back in the States, so she has no idea

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 what's going on, and I shifted the ground with me to the point where now I was, like, my behavior is

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 getting so bad, people are starting to understand. I was paying attention to myself, and after,

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 after, because I was in Germany for three and a half years, I was there for the first three years,

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 but to her, because, you know, I don't want to continue this relationship, and when I asked her

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 for divorce, and I sent her home, it was December 15th, you know, and it's like the middle of winter

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 in Germany, and there's, like, snow and ice on the ground, and I'm driving, like, an hour or two out

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 of the way to go to an airport so that she can catch a free flight back home, because I didn't

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 have the money to be able to put up with an actual, like, commercial flight from the home,

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 and I'm sending my daughter and my ex-wife home on a free flight, you know, two miles out of the way,

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 and the snow and ice, all because I wanted to continue the lifestyle that I wanted to continue

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 in the military or just drinking, and, uh, and, like, that was, like, one of those things that,

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 like, you know, weighs on me now is that, like, you know, I gave up the relationship with my

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 daughter in order to continue the lifestyle, like, you know, and when I asked her for divorce,

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 and I sent her home, like, me, I just kept going harder and harder. I was passing out,

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 like, I would pass out in the middle of the, in the middle of, like, the town square, like,

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 where I would pass out on the church streets. The ambulance would come, wake me up. I, they,

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 they would let me go to my friends. I would pass out again and then not even know that,

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 like, the first event had ever happened. Like, I was, I was in advance. I was passing out in

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 the parking garages, like, and, and for me, that was all fun, and it was all, and, and I just kept

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 trying to keep going until the point where, uh, I ended up driving downtown parking the car because

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 I had my little usual spot. I'm thinking I'm okay, and I'm driving back to base, and I'm on this,

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 like, little farm road, and the farm road kind of veers off to the right, and I just keep going

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 straight on this farm road, and I go into a ditch, and Duke's the hands of the car over a little

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 gravel path, and I go into a bush, and I center the car, and the car is stuck there, and, and,

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 like, I come to behind the wheel. The car is smoking. I get out of the car. I look at it.

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 I'm like, oh, the car looks fine. I look up on the road. There's a guy riding a bicycle,

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 and he's like, you're fine. You're fine. You just fell asleep. You're fine, and I was like,

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 yeah, I'm fine, and I get back in the car. I put in reverse drive, reverse, get it off this bush,

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 park it at a farm, and then start walking onto the base, and the expression of the guard at the base,

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 like, he was just white, because he had witnessed this whole thing, and I gave him my ID card,

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 and he's like, look at me. I was like, what? And he's like, nothing here, and he has my ID card,

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 and he lets me on base, and I get up to my room, and, like, it's like all the realization,

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 everything comes to me, and I'm just like, I'm in trouble, so I walk downstairs, and as soon as I'm

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 walking downstairs, the MPs are walking in, and I was like, it's me. You're, you know, it's like,

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 you're looking for me. I know, and they take me out, and they do the whole rigmarole, and,

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 and I got arrested that night for the DUI, and, and then when they released me the next morning,

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 I, I headed downstairs, and I have a couple friends that are in the back of their truck,

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 and they have a cooler, and go like, here, have a beer, and I was like, yeah, I'm gonna drink,

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 because I'm gonna, it's like, I'm in trouble anyways, that I'm just gonna keep drinking,

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 and I did, and I kept, and like, even after all that, I got introduced into AA there while I was,

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 like, doing their mandatory recovery program, and I kept, I kept drinking. The military finally said,

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 hey, you know, we don't want you to come back, and, and they sent me home, and, but one of the

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 things that I got from that group that was with an AA was, hey, once you hit the ground, and there

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 you go, make sure you search out Hungary, make sure you start looking for AA group, and I did

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 just that. I, I came home, I wanted to prove to everybody that I wasn't a bad guy, that I, that,

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 you know, this doesn't define who I am, and I started, like, you know,

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 meeting, shopping in the valley, and, you know, went to Radford, and I went to different groups,

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 and then I ended up with one of the groups here, Quality of Life, it was a Saturday night speaker

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 meeting, and I'm sitting in the back, and at the end of the meeting, you know, people come up to

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 me, and they're, like, talking to me, and, you know, ask me, oh, do you have a sponsor? Do you

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 have this? I was like, no, no, I'm just, like, meeting, shopping, you know, this is just, like,

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 I'm one of the stars, and you all didn't let me go. Oh, I have somebody that I want you to talk to,

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 and he introduced me to Alex, and, and not knowing anything else, I asked Alex to be my sponsor that

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 night, and, of course, he said yeah, and we started this kind of, for me, it was, like, this road map

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 of kind of proving to everybody that I was a good guy, so I was like, what can I get out of Quarff,

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 you know, can I get letters of recommendation in this, can I get my discharge upgraded, can I get,

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 like, some kind of paperwork, you know, after so much time, this, you know, shows that, hey, look,

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 look at what I've done, because, and I came into it with that mentality of what can I get from you,

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 and then what can I give you guys, and it was very transactional in the beginning. I didn't,

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 I formed, like, superficial relationships with people that I was like, oh, they're,

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 they would be a good contact, they would be somebody that can help me later, and stuff like

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 that, and after 11 months, I decided to take a trip, I went to Korea, and I was having a dinner

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 one night, and I felt like I had this, and I had a beer with dinner, and from that one beer with

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 dinner, it turned into drinking, and then I came back to the state, and I forgot all about this,

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 um, you know, I live here in the valley, and I would cross Boboa to go to school, and I would

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 look back, and I was like, oh, I wonder if they're still there, you know, I was like, oh, I wonder if

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 that little group is, you know, is still stood up without me even after I left, you know, and I would

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 always have those thoughts, because they went, I went out for another four years before I, you know,

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 I hit that rock bottom again, where I'm driving on Mulholland Drive, like veering on the road,

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 like riding the, the curve, and coming down, and getting on Woodley, and getting home, and then

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 waking up shaking, right, I can't even fold a shirt, like my wife, like now, my current wife,

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 she's there with me, and she's like, I'm trying to fold a shirt, and the fans are shaking, and I

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 can't even do that, and I tell her, you know, it's like, I need to get back to a meeting, she's like,

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 yeah, you think, and, and then I came back, and again, it was another, it was either a Friday or

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 a Sunday night, or I came back, and I'm like on the steps, and people are like, oh, I remember you,

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 oh, I know you, I was like, you're Abraham, right, and like that, like that, people just remembering

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 my name, and remembering that they saw me, kind of made me feel home again, and even at that point

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 though, you know, I, I still hadn't finished crying, because for me, there was always a change

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 of environment, there's always that, you know, I was like, oh, I can get it this time, because I

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 was going to school, right, I did something, right, I graduated from college, I transferred

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 into the university that I wanted to, I started to dip my toe back into AA, but I'm thinking,

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 maybe I got this, maybe I can handle it this time, and in my first year at UCLA, I almost did it all

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 the way, you know, doing the same thing I had, like trying to be that big shot, oh, I can get you

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 guys off, well, we can have a party, we can do this, and finding out that, you know, I just can't

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 do that anymore, you know, I almost messed up my first semester at UCLA, just from drinking, just

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 like that was what led up to me, like driving Omaha, and I could have drove off the side of

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 the road there, and not be here today, and, you know, just continued, you know, continued support,

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 and everything from, from everybody here, you know, even the members that are not here anymore,

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 but they just always kept me coming back, that was the big thing, I, I would have like little

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 moments where I thought I was having fun in the morning, I went to a football game, I drank that

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 morning, and by the afternoon, I felt absolutely miserable, I couldn't do it anymore, and then I

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 would come into a meeting and share that as a newcomer again, and then that cycle of just being

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 like drinking, feeling miserable, coming to the meeting, sharing that I'm a newcomer, just got so

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 tiring that I was like, what was it, what was it for? What was it worth anymore? And, you know,

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 I had one more big one where I had like six or seven months, and I went to this like retreat,

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 it was a writing retreat, and at night, everybody would get together, and one of the guys was like,

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 oh, I don't trust anybody that doesn't drink with me, and I let that idea fester in my head,

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 you know, and I was calling my sponsor, and then that night when that happened, I didn't call my

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 sponsor, and I let that idea fester in my head to the point where that night I picked up a drink,

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 and then I tried to like show him, right, it was like, oh yeah, I was like, watch me drink,

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 he could have cared less, like I was showing off to nobody, and then all I did was wake up in the

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 morning feeling sick, feeling miserable, you know, hanging my head down low, and the first thing I

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 did on my ride home is I told my wife, I was like, I drank, and I feel like absolute garbage,

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 like it is not fun anymore, I'm not proving anything to anybody, and I'm just messing

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 myself up, and that was the last time, that was June 22nd, 2019, when I came back, and had to

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 admit to the last, for the last time that I was a newcomer, and that I was just sick and tired of

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 doing it over and over again, and I just, like, freaked, and I, you know, at that point, I came

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 honest with my sponsor, but everything was in the steps, all over again, he made me throw away my

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 book, because my, my 12 and 12, because I had already written in it a couple times, and he was

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 like, no, we're going to start from the beginning, life new, and so I, you know, did it all, did the

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 1990s, just started reading the book, cover to cover, going through the steps, re-writing,

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 re-writing, everything, all, like, if I was brand new, because, like, obviously what I was doing in

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 the past wasn't working, and the biggest part was honesty, I wasn't being honest, I wasn't telling

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 them everything, so yeah, that kind of leads to where we are now, where, you know, we're going on

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 almost year three, and I have to say, like, you know, once it's done fighting, it becomes

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 a lot easier, because I'm not taking the control or that power into my own hand, by giving it up to

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 my partner, and giving it up to my sponsor, who definitely knows more than I do, and I think the

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 hardest part has been this whole, like, transition where we went online, that definitely got me,

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 because, you know, that connection, and that, that camaraderie that I've always wanted,

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 has been in these rooms, and, you know, you start to feel a little bit distanced when you're online,

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 and when we started to come back in person, I was, you know, one of the first to just, like,

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 jump in and want to do everything possible to make it work, and, you know, so I'm definitely happy

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 that all y'all are here, because, you know, this is my home, and this is where I just keep coming

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 back to, and I thank all y'all for for being here, so I thank my sponsor and everybody for being here.