1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:03,440 - Can you guys hear me okay? 2 00:00:03,440 --> 00:00:05,760 My name is Morgan and I'm an alcoholic. 3 00:00:05,760 --> 00:00:07,200 - Hi Morgan. 4 00:00:07,200 --> 00:00:09,880 - Thank you Scott for asking me to come tonight 5 00:00:09,880 --> 00:00:13,200 and yeah, participate in my own recovery. 6 00:00:13,200 --> 00:00:17,760 No, I honestly, public speaking and sharing 7 00:00:17,760 --> 00:00:20,640 and every time I do this, like I'm terrified. 8 00:00:20,640 --> 00:00:22,440 Like I've never done a hybrid meeting 9 00:00:22,440 --> 00:00:24,560 and like my stomach's upside down. 10 00:00:24,560 --> 00:00:26,920 Last thing I really wanna do. 11 00:00:26,920 --> 00:00:28,920 But you know, I learned a long time ago 12 00:00:28,920 --> 00:00:30,920 that when I asked you to be of service 13 00:00:30,920 --> 00:00:32,080 that I need to show up. 14 00:00:32,080 --> 00:00:35,680 And I also learned that I can only keep what I have 15 00:00:35,680 --> 00:00:36,640 by giving it away. 16 00:00:36,640 --> 00:00:39,400 And so no matter what, I always say yes 17 00:00:39,400 --> 00:00:40,480 even when my brain is saying, 18 00:00:40,480 --> 00:00:41,920 "No, no, no, you don't wanna speak." 19 00:00:41,920 --> 00:00:43,900 So thank you. 20 00:00:43,900 --> 00:00:46,080 I wanna welcome all the newcomers. 21 00:00:46,080 --> 00:00:48,080 Yeah, I remember being a newcomer 22 00:00:48,080 --> 00:00:49,360 and you know, if you're sitting there 23 00:00:49,360 --> 00:00:50,820 and you don't know what this is about, 24 00:00:50,820 --> 00:00:52,200 like just keep coming back. 25 00:00:52,200 --> 00:00:53,200 You know, if you're sitting there 26 00:00:53,200 --> 00:00:54,840 and you don't even know if you want this, 27 00:00:54,840 --> 00:00:57,180 like that's okay, keep coming back. 28 00:00:57,180 --> 00:00:59,000 Yeah, that's what I heard when I first got here. 29 00:00:59,000 --> 00:01:02,360 So also I know this is an AA meeting. 30 00:01:02,360 --> 00:01:04,160 I got sober in AA. 31 00:01:04,160 --> 00:01:05,680 Drugs are a big part of my story. 32 00:01:05,680 --> 00:01:08,960 So I'm gonna stay true to who I am and my journey. 33 00:01:08,960 --> 00:01:11,080 So I hope that doesn't offend anyone. 34 00:01:11,080 --> 00:01:13,600 What it was like, what happened and what it's like now. 35 00:01:13,600 --> 00:01:16,080 So, you know, I was born in Santa Barbara. 36 00:01:16,080 --> 00:01:18,560 I grew up in a small town in Carpentaria 37 00:01:18,560 --> 00:01:20,480 up the, you know, a little bit up the coast 38 00:01:20,480 --> 00:01:23,340 and you know, really small town, beach town. 39 00:01:23,340 --> 00:01:26,060 Everybody knew everybody's, you know, business, 40 00:01:26,060 --> 00:01:28,920 very friendly community, open community. 41 00:01:28,920 --> 00:01:32,660 And yeah, and my parents were dysfunctional. 42 00:01:32,660 --> 00:01:33,960 My mom was an alcoholic. 43 00:01:33,960 --> 00:01:36,080 She's been an alcoholic my whole life. 44 00:01:36,080 --> 00:01:39,480 My dad was a workaholic and he also smoked a lot of weed 45 00:01:39,480 --> 00:01:41,400 and that was kind of like his way of coping. 46 00:01:41,400 --> 00:01:45,120 Obviously growing up in like an alcoholic home, 47 00:01:45,120 --> 00:01:46,880 things were really dysfunctional. 48 00:01:46,880 --> 00:01:48,600 I always knew that I was loved. 49 00:01:48,600 --> 00:01:50,840 So I never really questioned that. 50 00:01:50,840 --> 00:01:53,640 It's just things were always, you know, yelling and fighting 51 00:01:53,640 --> 00:01:55,400 and we didn't have a lot of money. 52 00:01:55,400 --> 00:01:57,920 So we had that layer of like financial strain 53 00:01:57,920 --> 00:01:59,320 on top of all the drama. 54 00:01:59,320 --> 00:02:03,180 And yeah, it was just, it was a little bit chaotic 55 00:02:03,180 --> 00:02:05,120 and fast forward a little bit. 56 00:02:05,120 --> 00:02:09,560 You know, when I was in first grade till third grade, 57 00:02:09,560 --> 00:02:12,720 like I was being sexually abused by my best friend's dad 58 00:02:12,720 --> 00:02:14,820 who happened to live across the street from us. 59 00:02:14,820 --> 00:02:18,080 And in a small town, when everybody knows 60 00:02:18,080 --> 00:02:20,520 like your dirty laundry and I was just a little girl, 61 00:02:20,520 --> 00:02:22,320 it was just like really uncomfortable. 62 00:02:22,320 --> 00:02:24,520 And I tell you that not because I think 63 00:02:24,520 --> 00:02:27,320 that that's what's made me an alcoholic or an addict. 64 00:02:27,320 --> 00:02:29,840 I say, I tell you guys this to kind of, 65 00:02:29,840 --> 00:02:32,440 my perspective is that from a very young age, 66 00:02:32,440 --> 00:02:35,800 like I was that restless, irritable, discontent little girl. 67 00:02:35,800 --> 00:02:37,520 Like I didn't want to be in my own skin. 68 00:02:37,520 --> 00:02:39,040 Like I was full of shame. 69 00:02:39,040 --> 00:02:41,640 I was, didn't feel right. 70 00:02:41,640 --> 00:02:43,900 And so, you know, later on in life, you know, 71 00:02:43,900 --> 00:02:46,120 alcohol and drugs, you know, they worked for me. 72 00:02:46,120 --> 00:02:50,000 So, you know, we went through the whole court process. 73 00:02:50,000 --> 00:02:53,080 You know, I remember hearing a lot of like bad stuff 74 00:02:53,080 --> 00:02:54,600 being talked about my family 75 00:02:54,600 --> 00:02:56,160 and a lot of blaming the victim, 76 00:02:56,160 --> 00:02:58,840 but it was just like overnight once the court stuff is over, 77 00:02:58,840 --> 00:03:00,220 we moved to Ventura County 78 00:03:00,220 --> 00:03:02,400 and it was kind of like a fresh start. 79 00:03:02,400 --> 00:03:04,960 Great in one aspect because I didn't have to worry 80 00:03:04,960 --> 00:03:07,480 about anyone knowing like this really shameful event. 81 00:03:07,480 --> 00:03:10,560 And then really painful because like I left 82 00:03:10,560 --> 00:03:13,120 all my childhood friends and I didn't even get to say goodbye 83 00:03:13,120 --> 00:03:15,360 it almost felt like it just happened overnight. 84 00:03:15,360 --> 00:03:19,200 So, you know, I get to Ventura and I start fifth grade 85 00:03:19,200 --> 00:03:22,040 and you know, get to junior high and I'm making new friends. 86 00:03:22,040 --> 00:03:26,320 And these friends are just, you know, making poor decisions. 87 00:03:26,320 --> 00:03:28,700 And my parents were kind of old school. 88 00:03:28,700 --> 00:03:30,360 They were really hands off. 89 00:03:30,360 --> 00:03:32,160 The opposite of the parent that I am today, 90 00:03:32,160 --> 00:03:33,240 but I could tell them like, 91 00:03:33,240 --> 00:03:34,860 oh, I'm going over to so-and-so's house 92 00:03:34,860 --> 00:03:36,480 and my mom's over there drinking. 93 00:03:36,480 --> 00:03:38,860 So it's like, they never checked up on me and never, 94 00:03:38,860 --> 00:03:40,640 they never went to go like meet the parents. 95 00:03:40,640 --> 00:03:43,880 So I could be staying wherever and it wouldn't matter. 96 00:03:43,880 --> 00:03:47,120 And so, you know, I started experimenting with things 97 00:03:47,120 --> 00:03:49,440 as you know, young knuckleheads do 98 00:03:49,440 --> 00:03:53,640 and started, you know, drinking and, you know, smoking weed. 99 00:03:53,640 --> 00:03:57,400 And I realized very early on, like, 100 00:03:57,400 --> 00:04:00,920 I loved anything that changed my myself from the neck up. 101 00:04:00,920 --> 00:04:02,720 So anything that changed me from the neck up, 102 00:04:02,720 --> 00:04:04,740 like I was good with, I was, I'll take it. 103 00:04:04,740 --> 00:04:07,840 And you know, this thing is progressive and like, 104 00:04:07,840 --> 00:04:10,720 like most stories, you know, everything progresses, right? 105 00:04:10,720 --> 00:04:12,880 So I started out with some of the easier stuff 106 00:04:12,880 --> 00:04:15,440 and getting drunk and staying over at my friend's house. 107 00:04:15,440 --> 00:04:19,620 And, you know, back then we had like that dial up AOL internet 108 00:04:19,620 --> 00:04:22,000 so like we'd be like on chat and like, you know, 109 00:04:22,000 --> 00:04:25,240 doing crazy stuff and drinking and it was fun. 110 00:04:25,240 --> 00:04:27,480 And at this time, like I was like in junior high, 111 00:04:27,480 --> 00:04:31,160 so I was still, you know, I was still like going to school 112 00:04:31,160 --> 00:04:32,280 and getting good grades. 113 00:04:32,280 --> 00:04:36,160 I've always been like academically, like I do very well. 114 00:04:36,160 --> 00:04:39,860 So like, I never showed my parents at that point in time, 115 00:04:39,860 --> 00:04:41,640 like I was having any issues 116 00:04:41,640 --> 00:04:43,200 or that I was doing anything wrong 117 00:04:43,200 --> 00:04:45,160 because I was still getting like straight A's. 118 00:04:45,160 --> 00:04:48,480 I never got in trouble with like the law till later. 119 00:04:48,480 --> 00:04:50,980 So I kind of got to like drink and, you know, 120 00:04:50,980 --> 00:04:53,320 do what I was doing, like with no one on my back. 121 00:04:53,320 --> 00:04:55,440 And plus my dad was always working and my mom was, 122 00:04:55,440 --> 00:04:57,840 you know, in her own, you know, alcoholism. 123 00:04:57,840 --> 00:04:59,460 So it worked out for me. 124 00:04:59,460 --> 00:05:02,600 And so fast forward a little bit and, you know, 125 00:05:02,600 --> 00:05:03,840 I'm going into high school. 126 00:05:03,840 --> 00:05:05,200 I'm still hanging out with people 127 00:05:05,200 --> 00:05:07,520 that are kind of just doing the wrong things. 128 00:05:07,520 --> 00:05:11,840 And I think I was like 16, beginning of, 129 00:05:11,840 --> 00:05:13,920 maybe I was about 16. 130 00:05:13,920 --> 00:05:16,040 I moved out of my house 'cause my mom was the problem. 131 00:05:16,040 --> 00:05:19,520 She was the one that had issues and she was the alcoholic. 132 00:05:19,520 --> 00:05:20,760 I didn't want to be around her. 133 00:05:20,760 --> 00:05:22,600 So I moved out to like my boyfriend's house 134 00:05:22,600 --> 00:05:24,000 and I was like, whatever. 135 00:05:24,000 --> 00:05:26,720 I was going to high school and, you know, 136 00:05:26,720 --> 00:05:29,120 not shortly after I like, I get knocked up 137 00:05:29,120 --> 00:05:29,940 and I get pregnant. 138 00:05:29,940 --> 00:05:33,160 And so here I am, I'm 16 and I'm pregnant and like, you know, 139 00:05:33,160 --> 00:05:36,600 and partying and like experimenting like harder drugs, 140 00:05:36,600 --> 00:05:39,400 like Coke and, you know, pills and everything else. 141 00:05:39,400 --> 00:05:41,480 And I don't realize I'm pregnant, 142 00:05:41,480 --> 00:05:43,480 but I knew something was different with my body. 143 00:05:43,480 --> 00:05:45,840 And I go back home, I moved back home. 144 00:05:45,840 --> 00:05:48,160 I ended up telling my parents like, oh yeah, I'm pregnant. 145 00:05:48,160 --> 00:05:49,520 And by the way, I'm keeping it. 146 00:05:49,520 --> 00:05:50,960 And they thought I was crazy 147 00:05:50,960 --> 00:05:53,480 and they were very pissed off at me. 148 00:05:53,480 --> 00:05:55,800 But like, when I think of like my childhood 149 00:05:55,800 --> 00:05:58,600 or like any good moments in my, 150 00:05:58,600 --> 00:06:00,800 like it was when I was pregnant and I was 16, 151 00:06:00,800 --> 00:06:03,720 I was a baby having a baby, but like I was happy. 152 00:06:03,720 --> 00:06:05,200 Like, and I wasn't using drugs 153 00:06:05,200 --> 00:06:07,540 when I found out I was pregnant, I ended up getting a job. 154 00:06:07,540 --> 00:06:09,520 I worked in the mall till I was like eight 155 00:06:09,520 --> 00:06:10,680 and a half months pregnant. 156 00:06:10,680 --> 00:06:13,720 And it was a really good time, you know, 157 00:06:13,720 --> 00:06:16,280 but you know, getting pregnant and all that didn't, 158 00:06:16,280 --> 00:06:20,280 didn't change what was going on in between my years. 159 00:06:20,280 --> 00:06:23,120 So a week before my 17th birthday, I have my son. 160 00:06:23,120 --> 00:06:26,040 His birthday is March 1st and mine's March 12th. 161 00:06:26,040 --> 00:06:28,560 And so I go home and I do the mom thing 162 00:06:28,560 --> 00:06:30,400 and the new mom thing. 163 00:06:30,400 --> 00:06:33,140 My parents are on board now, so I have their support. 164 00:06:33,140 --> 00:06:36,200 I'm not using, not drinking, I'm not doing anything. 165 00:06:36,200 --> 00:06:38,760 And I do this for about like seven months. 166 00:06:38,760 --> 00:06:41,360 And then that thing like in my head 167 00:06:41,360 --> 00:06:42,840 was just kind of like going off. 168 00:06:42,840 --> 00:06:45,280 Like, you know, I am bored, I wanna be with friends. 169 00:06:45,280 --> 00:06:48,080 I don't like how I feel, like this, I don't want this. 170 00:06:48,080 --> 00:06:51,340 Like this is, I just, I gotta get out of the house. 171 00:06:51,340 --> 00:06:53,600 And so if the pattern began, 172 00:06:53,600 --> 00:06:55,040 like my parents would come home from work, 173 00:06:55,040 --> 00:06:56,520 eight to five, they'd walk through the door 174 00:06:56,520 --> 00:06:58,920 and I'd hand them like my son, like, here you go. 175 00:06:58,920 --> 00:07:00,980 I'm gonna go out and hang out with my friends now. 176 00:07:00,980 --> 00:07:02,520 And you know, that was just really 177 00:07:02,520 --> 00:07:04,640 the beginning of my demise. 178 00:07:04,640 --> 00:07:08,360 Yeah, not, I would go out, at first I would go out, 179 00:07:08,360 --> 00:07:10,120 I'd go drinking, I'd hang out with friends 180 00:07:10,120 --> 00:07:12,320 and I'd come home like maybe like nine, nine 30. 181 00:07:12,320 --> 00:07:14,400 Then it was like, I'd go out, I'd go drinking 182 00:07:14,400 --> 00:07:15,560 and do some other stuff. 183 00:07:15,560 --> 00:07:17,700 And I come back now it's like two o'clock in the morning. 184 00:07:17,700 --> 00:07:19,440 And then it was like, I was staying out all night. 185 00:07:19,440 --> 00:07:21,280 And then I was, then it was like, 186 00:07:21,280 --> 00:07:23,240 I was making my parents leave for work 187 00:07:23,240 --> 00:07:26,240 because I was coming home after they needed to leave for work 188 00:07:26,240 --> 00:07:27,920 and so things were just getting worse 189 00:07:27,920 --> 00:07:29,600 and like my mind was now focused, 190 00:07:29,600 --> 00:07:31,720 like right back on drinking and like using. 191 00:07:31,720 --> 00:07:34,120 Like that was my focus, it was not my baby. 192 00:07:34,120 --> 00:07:36,960 And shortly after my 18th birthday, 193 00:07:36,960 --> 00:07:39,000 I get busted with my first 11, 550. 194 00:07:39,000 --> 00:07:43,680 And now my parents know like, okay, you're using drugs 195 00:07:43,680 --> 00:07:45,820 and that's why you're not coming home at night. 196 00:07:45,820 --> 00:07:48,280 And now here you are in jail for the first time 197 00:07:48,280 --> 00:07:50,400 and you got a problem. 198 00:07:50,400 --> 00:07:51,720 And so I think, you know, 199 00:07:51,720 --> 00:07:54,080 I think I might've went to some treatment center, 200 00:07:54,080 --> 00:07:56,240 some county funded treatment center at that time, 201 00:07:56,240 --> 00:07:57,760 but I never stayed. 202 00:07:57,760 --> 00:07:59,480 And that's like just really when my life 203 00:07:59,480 --> 00:08:01,760 like really started to go to shit. 204 00:08:01,760 --> 00:08:03,320 Sorry, I'm not gonna try to cuss. 205 00:08:03,320 --> 00:08:04,480 But that's like when the cycle. 206 00:08:04,480 --> 00:08:08,380 So like my disease progressed from like starting drinking 207 00:08:08,380 --> 00:08:11,120 and, you know, doing like littler stuff to like now, 208 00:08:11,120 --> 00:08:13,480 it's like now, you know, using meth. 209 00:08:13,480 --> 00:08:15,640 And, you know, I think the speaker before me is like, 210 00:08:15,640 --> 00:08:17,580 I was starting to push the boundaries. 211 00:08:17,580 --> 00:08:18,960 Like, oh, I would never do that. 212 00:08:18,960 --> 00:08:20,080 Oh, I would never do that. 213 00:08:20,080 --> 00:08:21,120 Oh, I would never go there. 214 00:08:21,120 --> 00:08:22,360 I would never be that way. 215 00:08:22,360 --> 00:08:25,060 And like, that was like the story until I stopped. 216 00:08:25,060 --> 00:08:28,560 So I tried to get sober a few times. 217 00:08:28,560 --> 00:08:31,600 My parents took guardianship of my son. 218 00:08:31,600 --> 00:08:33,240 I dropped out of high school. 219 00:08:33,240 --> 00:08:34,800 I had that one job at the mall. 220 00:08:34,800 --> 00:08:36,800 I had nothing like really to stand on. 221 00:08:36,800 --> 00:08:39,760 And now I'm starting to build this criminal record. 222 00:08:39,760 --> 00:08:42,180 And the cycle began where it was just, 223 00:08:42,180 --> 00:08:43,880 I get busted that very first time. 224 00:08:43,880 --> 00:08:45,980 And I only did all my dirt in Ventura County. 225 00:08:45,980 --> 00:08:47,880 So it wasn't like I was all over the place. 226 00:08:47,880 --> 00:08:48,880 This is where I stayed. 227 00:08:48,880 --> 00:08:52,680 And every cop like knew me like, oh, there's Morgan. 228 00:08:52,680 --> 00:08:54,600 And I was getting pulled over left or right. 229 00:08:54,600 --> 00:08:56,520 And no matter what, like I was high. 230 00:08:56,520 --> 00:08:57,940 I was drinking, I was high. 231 00:08:57,940 --> 00:08:59,620 They knew they were gonna pull me over. 232 00:08:59,620 --> 00:09:00,680 Like I was going to jail. 233 00:09:00,680 --> 00:09:03,580 And back then when he would get busted for like a misdemeanor 234 00:09:03,580 --> 00:09:04,940 he would go do 90 days. 235 00:09:04,940 --> 00:09:08,000 So every time I'd go in, I'd go, I'd get 90 days. 236 00:09:08,000 --> 00:09:09,160 I'd get out in 60. 237 00:09:09,160 --> 00:09:11,560 I'd get out and say, I'm gonna do good. 238 00:09:11,560 --> 00:09:13,000 I'm gonna stay sober. 239 00:09:13,000 --> 00:09:14,200 I'm not gonna do anything. 240 00:09:14,200 --> 00:09:17,660 And then I'd see somebody and like started all over again. 241 00:09:17,660 --> 00:09:18,540 I'd miss my PO. 242 00:09:18,540 --> 00:09:19,380 I'd go on the run. 243 00:09:19,380 --> 00:09:20,200 I'd catch a warrant. 244 00:09:20,200 --> 00:09:21,720 I'd go hide in a treatment center. 245 00:09:21,720 --> 00:09:22,600 I'd get caught. 246 00:09:22,600 --> 00:09:24,260 And it just like went like this. 247 00:09:24,260 --> 00:09:27,780 And as the cycle continued, like things just progressed. 248 00:09:27,780 --> 00:09:28,620 Right? 249 00:09:28,620 --> 00:09:29,440 My crimes got worse. 250 00:09:29,440 --> 00:09:32,000 Like identity theft and, you know, stealing cars. 251 00:09:32,000 --> 00:09:36,080 And you know, like seven, 11, five fifties. 252 00:09:36,080 --> 00:09:38,400 Like just over and over and over again. 253 00:09:38,400 --> 00:09:40,320 And it just was like, 254 00:09:40,320 --> 00:09:41,880 when you don't think it could get worse, 255 00:09:41,880 --> 00:09:42,840 it always gets worse. 256 00:09:42,840 --> 00:09:45,280 And so at this point in my life, 257 00:09:45,280 --> 00:09:48,120 I think I was probably like 20, 21 or 22. 258 00:09:48,120 --> 00:09:51,640 And now I'm just like creating so much wreckage in my past. 259 00:09:51,640 --> 00:09:53,760 Like I couldn't even like look at myself in the mirror. 260 00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:55,240 I wasn't seeing my son. 261 00:09:55,240 --> 00:09:56,380 I was a piece of shit. 262 00:09:56,380 --> 00:09:57,920 Sorry, piece of crap mom. 263 00:09:57,920 --> 00:09:59,200 Had this long criminal record. 264 00:09:59,200 --> 00:10:00,840 I had no hope, none, zero. 265 00:10:00,840 --> 00:10:03,280 And you know, now I'm shooting dope. 266 00:10:03,280 --> 00:10:06,240 And then I meet this, and then I go get a tattoo one day 267 00:10:06,240 --> 00:10:08,140 and I meet this person who's tattooing 268 00:10:08,140 --> 00:10:09,780 and that I get introduced to heroin 269 00:10:09,780 --> 00:10:11,280 and like my life just blew up. 270 00:10:11,280 --> 00:10:14,600 And like misery, I mean, it's so hard 271 00:10:14,600 --> 00:10:16,560 to even put into words like how bad 272 00:10:16,560 --> 00:10:18,920 and how much pain I was in at this point in my life. 273 00:10:18,920 --> 00:10:21,180 You know, I started using heroin. 274 00:10:21,180 --> 00:10:22,320 I didn't like it at first. 275 00:10:22,320 --> 00:10:25,820 And then it was just like drinking or being sick. 276 00:10:25,820 --> 00:10:27,260 Like it went hand in hand. 277 00:10:27,260 --> 00:10:29,200 Cause like I wasn't rich, I didn't have any money. 278 00:10:29,200 --> 00:10:31,020 So it was like, I was always sick, 279 00:10:31,020 --> 00:10:32,360 always searching for something. 280 00:10:32,360 --> 00:10:34,120 And then I could, I can afford like, you know, 281 00:10:34,120 --> 00:10:35,820 whatever is hard, hard alcohol. 282 00:10:35,820 --> 00:10:37,460 So I try to like take the edge off 283 00:10:37,460 --> 00:10:39,800 and get well with that until I could score. 284 00:10:39,800 --> 00:10:40,840 I'm like, that was my life. 285 00:10:40,840 --> 00:10:43,960 You know, I'd moved to like be staying in like dirty hotels. 286 00:10:43,960 --> 00:10:46,280 Like he was hitting me and abusing me 287 00:10:46,280 --> 00:10:47,980 and I was staying with it because I didn't care 288 00:10:47,980 --> 00:10:49,260 because that was a dope man. 289 00:10:49,260 --> 00:10:52,280 And you know, just continuing like that cycle, 290 00:10:52,280 --> 00:10:54,440 getting busted, trying to run, not warrants, 291 00:10:54,440 --> 00:10:55,420 like you name it. 292 00:10:55,420 --> 00:10:58,800 And like the shit I would do, like I think about now 293 00:10:58,800 --> 00:11:01,960 and it's just so incomprehensible to me. 294 00:11:01,960 --> 00:11:03,600 Like thinking like I'd take, 295 00:11:03,600 --> 00:11:05,880 be living in like some dirt bag hotel 296 00:11:05,880 --> 00:11:07,940 and like one of these things that I think about is like, 297 00:11:07,940 --> 00:11:11,100 I would wheel like the coin operated laundry, 298 00:11:11,100 --> 00:11:13,320 like washer and dryer to my room, 299 00:11:13,320 --> 00:11:16,320 open the thing up with a crowbar, dump the quarters out 300 00:11:16,320 --> 00:11:19,460 and then like put it back or like steal cars across, 301 00:11:19,460 --> 00:11:22,440 like put it up like on blocks with obviously hand, 302 00:11:22,440 --> 00:11:23,280 put it on blocks, 303 00:11:23,280 --> 00:11:26,480 steal these rims that weren't even like rims, like pawn shops 304 00:11:26,480 --> 00:11:28,960 like it's just in the insanity. 305 00:11:28,960 --> 00:11:30,400 So I didn't have to feel sick. 306 00:11:30,400 --> 00:11:32,420 So I didn't have to think about like what was going on 307 00:11:32,420 --> 00:11:33,360 in between my head. 308 00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:35,080 Like I couldn't sit with myself. 309 00:11:35,080 --> 00:11:36,040 I hated myself. 310 00:11:36,040 --> 00:11:39,080 And I remember like my prayers to God at that point 311 00:11:39,080 --> 00:11:41,040 in my life were like, let this be the last one. 312 00:11:41,040 --> 00:11:43,680 I can't kill myself, but like, can I just do this 313 00:11:43,680 --> 00:11:46,160 and like not wake up because I can't do this anymore. 314 00:11:46,160 --> 00:11:48,720 And I knew even through these prayers 315 00:11:48,720 --> 00:11:51,640 that I meant like sincerely, like if I could just die, 316 00:11:51,640 --> 00:11:54,200 like I'd be good, like simple. 317 00:11:54,200 --> 00:11:55,720 'Cause I knew I couldn't stop. 318 00:11:55,720 --> 00:11:56,840 I couldn't stop. 319 00:11:56,840 --> 00:11:59,760 And so in 2008, 2008 got busted for the last time. 320 00:11:59,760 --> 00:12:03,120 And I ended up catching 'cause I have to, you know, 321 00:12:03,120 --> 00:12:05,060 continue to get high and drink and whatever. 322 00:12:05,060 --> 00:12:06,780 So I needed to make sure I support my habits. 323 00:12:06,780 --> 00:12:08,840 So I started slinging dope to do that. 324 00:12:08,840 --> 00:12:11,640 And I catch two sales cases and I'm like, okay, 325 00:12:11,640 --> 00:12:12,560 this isn't good. 326 00:12:12,560 --> 00:12:15,320 I'm on misdemeanor probation and I'm thinking to myself 327 00:12:15,320 --> 00:12:17,060 like, okay, well, I know how the game goes. 328 00:12:17,060 --> 00:12:18,480 I'm gonna plead out to one sales. 329 00:12:18,480 --> 00:12:19,600 They're gonna drop the other one. 330 00:12:19,600 --> 00:12:20,960 Like everything's gonna be fine. 331 00:12:20,960 --> 00:12:22,860 I'm gonna get out felony probation, 332 00:12:22,860 --> 00:12:24,480 call a good cycle continues. 333 00:12:24,480 --> 00:12:26,040 It didn't work out like that. 334 00:12:26,040 --> 00:12:28,520 I ended up, they weren't letting this two of them go. 335 00:12:28,520 --> 00:12:30,720 So I sat there for like nine months. 336 00:12:30,720 --> 00:12:32,360 I ended up getting arrested again 337 00:12:32,360 --> 00:12:33,760 while sitting in the county 338 00:12:33,760 --> 00:12:35,480 for attempting to threaten a witness. 339 00:12:35,480 --> 00:12:39,240 So I'm thinking like, this case doesn't feel very good. 340 00:12:39,240 --> 00:12:41,380 Like I think I'm not getting out. 341 00:12:41,380 --> 00:12:44,640 And after sitting there fighting these cases, 342 00:12:44,640 --> 00:12:47,360 I ended up taking two years and going to prison. 343 00:12:47,360 --> 00:12:50,280 And you would think like that would be enough 344 00:12:50,280 --> 00:12:52,020 of like a consequence for me. 345 00:12:52,020 --> 00:12:53,760 Like here I am terrified, 346 00:12:53,760 --> 00:12:55,920 little white girl going up to Chowtillo. 347 00:12:55,920 --> 00:12:58,040 Like I don't even know what I'm getting myself into. 348 00:12:58,040 --> 00:13:00,600 I could do the county jail thing, but like I was terrified. 349 00:13:00,600 --> 00:13:03,440 And I get up there and it's like, wherever you are, 350 00:13:03,440 --> 00:13:04,280 there you are. 351 00:13:04,280 --> 00:13:05,400 I'm in there drinking. 352 00:13:05,400 --> 00:13:06,960 I'm in there doing the same shit. 353 00:13:06,960 --> 00:13:08,920 Like nothing's changing. 354 00:13:08,920 --> 00:13:11,220 And so I do my term and now it's like, 355 00:13:11,220 --> 00:13:12,360 that was just like nothing. 356 00:13:12,360 --> 00:13:13,960 Now it was just like, okay, I get out. 357 00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:15,920 And then as soon as I'm on the bus, I'm drinking, 358 00:13:15,920 --> 00:13:17,200 I'm drinking, drinking, drinking 359 00:13:17,200 --> 00:13:18,840 till I get to the Greyhound station. 360 00:13:18,840 --> 00:13:22,160 And I just realized like, this is just, this is insanity. 361 00:13:22,160 --> 00:13:25,080 Like my life, this is, I just get out 362 00:13:25,080 --> 00:13:26,160 and this is what I'm doing. 363 00:13:26,160 --> 00:13:28,440 And so I got out in 2010. 364 00:13:28,440 --> 00:13:31,480 And so here it comes around to November 365 00:13:31,480 --> 00:13:34,360 and I'm getting a tattoo and of course, 366 00:13:34,360 --> 00:13:36,440 getting a tattoo and I meet, you know, 367 00:13:36,440 --> 00:13:39,720 my guy who was then, who I ended up dating. 368 00:13:39,720 --> 00:13:42,600 And you know, I'm a liar, cheat and thief. 369 00:13:42,600 --> 00:13:44,680 Like if I'm in my addiction, like that's what I am. 370 00:13:44,680 --> 00:13:45,840 That's what I'm gonna do. 371 00:13:45,840 --> 00:13:48,080 So I was dating him, dating this guy. 372 00:13:48,080 --> 00:13:50,600 And it's hysterical 'cause at the time, 373 00:13:50,600 --> 00:13:52,920 like they were both sober in the program 374 00:13:52,920 --> 00:13:55,640 and here I am high and out of my mind, 375 00:13:55,640 --> 00:13:58,060 like only gonna meet them at two o'clock in the morning, 376 00:13:58,060 --> 00:14:01,140 like crazy, you know, selling drugs, just you name it. 377 00:14:01,140 --> 00:14:03,280 And they're looking at me like, 378 00:14:03,280 --> 00:14:06,020 I remember telling him like, just lying to him saying like, 379 00:14:06,020 --> 00:14:08,480 oh yeah, I go to AA, yeah, I go to AA. 380 00:14:08,480 --> 00:14:10,960 I'm like, I'm doing good and all this stuff. 381 00:14:10,960 --> 00:14:13,880 And what happened was towards the end, you know, 382 00:14:13,880 --> 00:14:16,400 in February, I ended up letting go of one 383 00:14:16,400 --> 00:14:17,380 and staying with the other. 384 00:14:17,380 --> 00:14:19,680 And he was such a pain in my ass about, 385 00:14:19,680 --> 00:14:20,560 and he was starting to like, 386 00:14:20,560 --> 00:14:22,600 really catch on like my double life. 387 00:14:22,600 --> 00:14:24,560 And I just couldn't keep up with my lies anymore. 388 00:14:24,560 --> 00:14:28,800 And I came clean to him and he threw my phone in the toilet 389 00:14:28,800 --> 00:14:30,900 and he kind of like locked me down in the bedroom and said, 390 00:14:30,900 --> 00:14:32,880 no, you're gonna get sober and you're gonna go to AA. 391 00:14:32,880 --> 00:14:35,000 And I was like, okay, I'm gonna go to AA. 392 00:14:35,000 --> 00:14:36,000 I really wanna do that. 393 00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:38,200 I wanna get sober and I'm gonna change my life. 394 00:14:38,200 --> 00:14:39,680 And like, I had no intention, 395 00:14:39,680 --> 00:14:43,140 absolutely no intention of staying and getting sober. 396 00:14:43,140 --> 00:14:45,400 And I certainly didn't wanna be in AA. 397 00:14:45,400 --> 00:14:47,920 I didn't wanna have anything to do with this program. 398 00:14:47,920 --> 00:14:49,720 And he would, honestly, 399 00:14:49,720 --> 00:14:52,080 he would force me like to go to these meetings. 400 00:14:52,080 --> 00:14:54,440 And I was very angry. 401 00:14:54,440 --> 00:14:57,160 I got sober and sat in the back of the room 402 00:14:57,160 --> 00:14:58,140 and didn't talk to anyone. 403 00:14:58,140 --> 00:15:00,840 I never identified as a newcomer because I hated you, 404 00:15:00,840 --> 00:15:01,840 because I hated me. 405 00:15:01,840 --> 00:15:03,420 Like, I didn't wanna hold your hand at the end. 406 00:15:03,420 --> 00:15:04,920 Don't talk to me after the meeting. 407 00:15:04,920 --> 00:15:07,800 I'm just going there with like a sliver of willingness 408 00:15:07,800 --> 00:15:09,840 because I don't wanna have to deal with his shit. 409 00:15:09,840 --> 00:15:12,560 I'm just gonna sit here and just leave me alone. 410 00:15:12,560 --> 00:15:15,580 And like, that's what I did for the first three months. 411 00:15:15,580 --> 00:15:18,840 And then three months, white and ugly, fighting with him. 412 00:15:18,840 --> 00:15:22,880 And then I guess my sponsor, who's now still my sponsor, 413 00:15:22,880 --> 00:15:24,600 she was like introduced to me. 414 00:15:24,600 --> 00:15:27,440 This was, you know, I'll have 11 years next month. 415 00:15:27,440 --> 00:15:29,120 So she was introduced to me and I didn't, 416 00:15:29,120 --> 00:15:30,360 'cause I was not the one where it's like, 417 00:15:30,360 --> 00:15:31,880 oh yeah, here I am, Pink Cloud. 418 00:15:31,880 --> 00:15:34,440 I love AA, I love everybody, kumbaya. 419 00:15:34,440 --> 00:15:36,920 And I want you to be my speaker or my sponsor. 420 00:15:36,920 --> 00:15:37,840 It's like, yeah, no. 421 00:15:37,840 --> 00:15:39,200 Somebody introduced me to her and it's like, 422 00:15:39,200 --> 00:15:40,960 this is who's gonna be your sponsor. 423 00:15:40,960 --> 00:15:43,760 And I'm like, okay, like that's the willingness I had. 424 00:15:43,760 --> 00:15:46,080 I had the willingness to get my ass in the car 425 00:15:46,080 --> 00:15:48,080 and sit in a meeting and say, okay, 426 00:15:48,080 --> 00:15:49,880 when they told me to do something, that's it. 427 00:15:49,880 --> 00:15:52,500 I didn't share, I didn't identify, I didn't do anything. 428 00:15:52,500 --> 00:15:55,180 And that went on until I started to work with her. 429 00:15:55,180 --> 00:15:58,920 And thank God for me and how broken I was at that time. 430 00:15:58,920 --> 00:16:02,440 She was so loving and kind, like a mama bear. 431 00:16:02,440 --> 00:16:03,280 And that's what I needed. 432 00:16:03,280 --> 00:16:05,540 I've had sponsors in the past that are like, 433 00:16:05,540 --> 00:16:06,840 you're gonna do this and this and this, 434 00:16:06,840 --> 00:16:07,680 and it's gonna be like that. 435 00:16:07,680 --> 00:16:08,600 And I don't wanna hear no shit. 436 00:16:08,600 --> 00:16:10,480 But like, that's not what I got with her. 437 00:16:10,480 --> 00:16:13,080 God gave me the perfect sponsor to like love me 438 00:16:13,080 --> 00:16:14,240 and to like love myself 439 00:16:14,240 --> 00:16:16,920 because I had destroyed my life when I got here. 440 00:16:16,920 --> 00:16:18,440 And I had no intention of staying. 441 00:16:18,440 --> 00:16:20,920 I just wanted to kind of pacify him. 442 00:16:20,920 --> 00:16:23,200 And so I started meeting with her every week 443 00:16:23,200 --> 00:16:25,440 and going through the book with her 444 00:16:25,440 --> 00:16:27,280 and doing what she asked me to do. 445 00:16:27,280 --> 00:16:29,100 And just like hindsight's 20/20. 446 00:16:29,100 --> 00:16:31,080 And I don't remember when it actually was 447 00:16:31,080 --> 00:16:34,240 that I didn't think about drinking or using. 448 00:16:34,240 --> 00:16:38,360 But at some point, maybe like around month five or six, 449 00:16:38,360 --> 00:16:41,240 I realized like I'm not even thinking about it. 450 00:16:41,240 --> 00:16:43,600 Like my life is just a little bit okay 451 00:16:43,600 --> 00:16:46,800 to where I feel like I have a little bit of hope to continue. 452 00:16:46,800 --> 00:16:49,680 And like that's been my story since day one. 453 00:16:49,680 --> 00:16:50,880 I never had a pink cloud, 454 00:16:50,880 --> 00:16:52,800 but I just had a tiny bit of willingness 455 00:16:52,800 --> 00:16:54,960 to do what somebody suggested in front of me. 456 00:16:54,960 --> 00:16:56,920 And let's see, where am I at? 457 00:16:56,920 --> 00:16:57,820 And so that's what I did. 458 00:16:57,820 --> 00:16:59,600 So I started working with my sponsor. 459 00:16:59,600 --> 00:17:01,200 Eventually she'd be like, 460 00:17:01,200 --> 00:17:03,480 oh, you know, you need to call 10, 10 women. 461 00:17:03,480 --> 00:17:04,480 She knew I wasn't gonna do that. 462 00:17:04,480 --> 00:17:05,500 I called two, you know. 463 00:17:05,500 --> 00:17:09,920 And like, I've always kept my circle really, really small, 464 00:17:09,920 --> 00:17:11,720 even throughout all these years. 465 00:17:11,720 --> 00:17:13,040 But then, you know, she told me, 466 00:17:13,040 --> 00:17:14,520 okay, you need to get a commitment. 467 00:17:14,520 --> 00:17:16,600 And I'd say, okay, so I get the commitment. 468 00:17:16,600 --> 00:17:18,200 Maybe it was like bringing cookies 469 00:17:18,200 --> 00:17:19,920 or making coffee or something. 470 00:17:19,920 --> 00:17:22,960 And then I remember like getting through the steps 471 00:17:22,960 --> 00:17:25,720 and kind of like realizing I hated the world 472 00:17:25,720 --> 00:17:28,560 and I thought everybody did everything to me. 473 00:17:28,560 --> 00:17:31,720 But really like understanding my part 474 00:17:31,720 --> 00:17:33,460 in everything was so freeing. 475 00:17:33,460 --> 00:17:35,860 You know, being sober and having a clear mind 476 00:17:35,860 --> 00:17:38,200 to like look at actually the wreckage that I caused 477 00:17:38,200 --> 00:17:39,920 and take responsibility for it. 478 00:17:39,920 --> 00:17:42,600 And, you know, be really, and be sorry 479 00:17:42,600 --> 00:17:45,120 and make some amends and try to keep my sight, you know, 480 00:17:45,120 --> 00:17:47,260 clean up my side of the street, you know, 481 00:17:47,260 --> 00:17:50,160 with my family and with my son and like making those, 482 00:17:50,160 --> 00:17:51,380 you know, when we got to step nine, 483 00:17:51,380 --> 00:17:54,920 like I think that's the one step that really changed 484 00:17:54,920 --> 00:17:57,600 like my whole outlook. 485 00:17:57,600 --> 00:18:00,360 I didn't really feel free after four or five or any of that. 486 00:18:00,360 --> 00:18:03,600 Like it was step nine and like, I meant what I said 487 00:18:03,600 --> 00:18:07,240 when I made my amends to my son and to my family. 488 00:18:07,240 --> 00:18:09,960 And I remember like looking at my son 489 00:18:09,960 --> 00:18:13,160 that I had really abandoned, you know, until he was eight. 490 00:18:13,160 --> 00:18:15,440 And I remember telling him like, you know, that I was sorry. 491 00:18:15,440 --> 00:18:18,120 And I did it in an age appropriate way, but you know, 492 00:18:18,120 --> 00:18:20,440 that I'm gonna be here and I'm gonna show you, you know, 493 00:18:20,440 --> 00:18:23,080 kind of like that I'm not gonna leave anymore really. 494 00:18:23,080 --> 00:18:24,720 'Cause that was my pattern. 495 00:18:24,720 --> 00:18:27,440 And I don't think he believed me at the time, 496 00:18:27,440 --> 00:18:30,120 but I meant it and I meant, you know, every word 497 00:18:30,120 --> 00:18:33,040 and I was gonna do everything in my power at that moment. 498 00:18:33,040 --> 00:18:34,880 Like I wasn't gonna go back, you know? 499 00:18:34,880 --> 00:18:38,080 And I started to really, as I progressed through the steps 500 00:18:38,080 --> 00:18:39,920 to like really mean what I say 501 00:18:39,920 --> 00:18:41,440 and I really wanted to be there. 502 00:18:41,440 --> 00:18:43,000 Like I wanted to be in the meeting. 503 00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:44,120 Like I wanted my chair. 504 00:18:44,120 --> 00:18:46,000 I wanted to be like part of this group 505 00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:48,000 that I wanted nothing to do it. 506 00:18:48,000 --> 00:18:50,200 And my sponsor just say, you need to go to a meeting 507 00:18:50,200 --> 00:18:51,200 till you want to go Morgan. 508 00:18:51,200 --> 00:18:52,880 'Cause I'd say, I don't want to go to meetings. 509 00:18:52,880 --> 00:18:54,200 I don't want to go. 510 00:18:54,200 --> 00:18:56,160 But like now when I go to meetings, like, I mean, 511 00:18:56,160 --> 00:18:57,960 I mean, I really want to be there. 512 00:18:57,960 --> 00:19:01,360 I want to participate and I want to give back, you know, 513 00:19:01,360 --> 00:19:04,480 to this program that saved my ass. 514 00:19:04,480 --> 00:19:05,840 Saved my ass. 515 00:19:05,840 --> 00:19:07,640 So I started getting involved. 516 00:19:07,640 --> 00:19:09,800 You know, I got a sponsor, I worked the steps. 517 00:19:09,800 --> 00:19:12,520 I started working with other women, you know, sharing, 518 00:19:12,520 --> 00:19:17,520 being of service and my life because of this program 519 00:19:17,520 --> 00:19:20,000 that I didn't want to be a part of, 520 00:19:20,000 --> 00:19:24,080 that I wanted nothing to do it has changed in ways that I, 521 00:19:24,080 --> 00:19:26,160 like it's hard to reconcile, you know, 522 00:19:26,160 --> 00:19:27,760 next month I'll have 11 years. 523 00:19:27,760 --> 00:19:30,680 I'm my son, it's going to be turning 20, you know, 524 00:19:30,680 --> 00:19:31,640 next month. 525 00:19:31,640 --> 00:19:36,080 And I have two stepdaughters, daughters that, 526 00:19:36,080 --> 00:19:36,920 that I'm their mom. 527 00:19:36,920 --> 00:19:39,240 You know, I've had the little one since she's two. 528 00:19:39,240 --> 00:19:40,840 Like those were the years that I left my son 529 00:19:40,840 --> 00:19:41,680 with my parents. 530 00:19:41,680 --> 00:19:43,800 Like God gave me a second chance to be a mom 531 00:19:43,800 --> 00:19:46,080 to this little girl whose mom was on drugs. 532 00:19:46,080 --> 00:19:48,280 Like, it's just crazy how like the world 533 00:19:48,280 --> 00:19:49,680 and things like work out. 534 00:19:49,680 --> 00:19:52,680 But like the gifts that have been given to me 535 00:19:52,680 --> 00:19:54,400 for having a little bit of willingness, 536 00:19:54,400 --> 00:19:58,840 like it's hard to put into words, you know, today, I, 537 00:19:58,840 --> 00:20:00,680 so I, when I got here, I didn't, 538 00:20:00,680 --> 00:20:04,840 I had a long criminal record, felonies, no job experience, 539 00:20:04,840 --> 00:20:07,120 no school, I dropped out of high school. 540 00:20:07,120 --> 00:20:10,960 And today it's like, I'm sitting here and I got a family. 541 00:20:10,960 --> 00:20:13,160 I married that guy that I ended up lying to. 542 00:20:13,160 --> 00:20:16,560 I ended up marrying him and we've been together ever since. 543 00:20:16,560 --> 00:20:20,760 You know, I went back to school, I had to go get my GED. 544 00:20:20,760 --> 00:20:22,920 And then I went to, you know, I got my AA 545 00:20:22,920 --> 00:20:26,200 and I went back and got my BA and now I'm getting my master's. 546 00:20:26,200 --> 00:20:29,560 I was able to, you know, clean up my criminal record. 547 00:20:29,560 --> 00:20:31,680 Like you couldn't have told me like, you know, 548 00:20:31,680 --> 00:20:33,840 almost 11 years ago that this would be my life 549 00:20:33,840 --> 00:20:36,280 and that I would be able to do what I'm doing today. 550 00:20:36,280 --> 00:20:38,400 Like, there's just no way, I would have laughed. 551 00:20:38,400 --> 00:20:41,160 Like there's the hope, it's just hard to like, 552 00:20:41,160 --> 00:20:44,560 really communicate, like I work in recovery, right? 553 00:20:44,560 --> 00:20:47,480 So I've been working at, and I'm interning as a, 554 00:20:47,480 --> 00:20:49,880 'cause I'm trying to be a licensed clinical social worker. 555 00:20:49,880 --> 00:20:52,040 So I'm interning as a therapist at my job. 556 00:20:52,040 --> 00:20:54,280 I've been there for two and a half years 557 00:20:54,280 --> 00:20:56,560 in a treatment center and I love it. 558 00:20:56,560 --> 00:20:58,840 Like, we talk about, you know, being of service 559 00:20:58,840 --> 00:21:00,800 and within the walls, right, in the program. 560 00:21:00,800 --> 00:21:03,080 But like, I believe, you know, 561 00:21:03,080 --> 00:21:06,360 you can be a service like everywhere and to anyone. 562 00:21:06,360 --> 00:21:08,800 You know, it could be to your family, it could be at work, 563 00:21:08,800 --> 00:21:11,960 could be, you know, in the rooms, just showing up, right? 564 00:21:11,960 --> 00:21:15,440 And I learned all of that from this program. 565 00:21:15,440 --> 00:21:18,480 My mom, who had been an alcoholic my entire life, 566 00:21:18,480 --> 00:21:20,360 just took nine months, you know? 567 00:21:20,360 --> 00:21:22,240 And like, that's a miracle. 568 00:21:22,240 --> 00:21:25,040 Like in my sobriety, I was taking her to treatment 569 00:21:25,040 --> 00:21:27,280 and taking her detox and just having to clean up. 570 00:21:27,280 --> 00:21:29,800 And like, I never really, I mentioned AA, 571 00:21:29,800 --> 00:21:31,920 but I pray for the women that was gonna help her. 572 00:21:31,920 --> 00:21:33,360 I pray for the woman that's gonna help 573 00:21:33,360 --> 00:21:34,920 'cause me and her are too close. 574 00:21:34,920 --> 00:21:38,240 So it wasn't gonna be me and my AA that's gonna save her. 575 00:21:38,240 --> 00:21:40,680 But like, she just got nine months and a real, 576 00:21:40,680 --> 00:21:42,480 and I tell her a real nine months 577 00:21:42,480 --> 00:21:44,960 'cause she's had nine months before. 578 00:21:44,960 --> 00:21:46,680 But it's like, what a gift. 579 00:21:46,680 --> 00:21:50,720 I get to see my mom, who I hated, 580 00:21:50,720 --> 00:21:53,160 like we have such a close relationship now. 581 00:21:53,160 --> 00:21:55,880 And she tells me about what she's doing and her commitments 582 00:21:55,880 --> 00:21:59,480 and like, it's just come around like full circle. 583 00:21:59,480 --> 00:22:01,600 I don't have a lot more to say 584 00:22:01,600 --> 00:22:03,880 other than like for the newcomers here. 585 00:22:03,880 --> 00:22:05,040 It doesn't even like, 586 00:22:05,040 --> 00:22:06,920 you could be sitting here with a court card, 587 00:22:06,920 --> 00:22:09,920 you can be sitting here not wanting to be here like me. 588 00:22:09,920 --> 00:22:11,800 You could be sitting here with someone dragged you 589 00:22:11,800 --> 00:22:14,160 and is forcing you to sit your ass in the meeting. 590 00:22:14,160 --> 00:22:17,520 Like it doesn't matter, this program works 591 00:22:17,520 --> 00:22:19,640 if you just have a tiny bit of willingness 592 00:22:19,640 --> 00:22:22,320 to just do what's suggested, right? 593 00:22:22,320 --> 00:22:24,960 Do just go to meetings, right? 594 00:22:24,960 --> 00:22:29,120 Go to meetings, get a sponsor or have one introduced to you, 595 00:22:29,120 --> 00:22:31,800 work the steps, be of service, 596 00:22:31,800 --> 00:22:34,480 work with other people 'cause I think like for me, 597 00:22:34,480 --> 00:22:35,920 like I said in the beginning, 598 00:22:35,920 --> 00:22:38,600 the only way I can keep what I have is by giving it away. 599 00:22:38,600 --> 00:22:40,520 Like sharing the message of hope, 600 00:22:40,520 --> 00:22:42,640 like, hey, like this program really works. 601 00:22:42,640 --> 00:22:45,320 It works like 100% of the time 602 00:22:45,320 --> 00:22:48,160 if you do what's suggested, what's in that book. 603 00:22:48,160 --> 00:22:52,160 And yeah, just get a commitment and keep coming back 604 00:22:52,160 --> 00:22:54,800 because if you're anything like myself, 605 00:22:54,800 --> 00:22:57,000 like a true alcoholic, like addict, 606 00:22:57,000 --> 00:23:00,280 don't wanna live that life, like this is where it's at. 607 00:23:00,280 --> 00:23:02,280 This is where you can find that peace 608 00:23:02,280 --> 00:23:03,920 and a new way of living 609 00:23:03,920 --> 00:23:06,080 and people that actually give a shit about you 610 00:23:06,080 --> 00:23:07,400 that want nothing from you. 611 00:23:07,400 --> 00:23:09,920 They just wanna be there, they just wanna show you like, 612 00:23:09,920 --> 00:23:12,200 we can do it, you could do it, I could do it. 613 00:23:12,200 --> 00:23:15,280 So I'm sorry if I ended up a little bit, 614 00:23:15,280 --> 00:23:16,780 ending a little early, 615 00:23:16,780 --> 00:23:19,760 but that's like what I have for tonight.