1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:01,400 Christiana, alcoholic. 2 00:00:01,400 --> 00:00:07,280 Thank you for your share and for showing up and all of you for showing up and 3 00:00:07,280 --> 00:00:09,760 giving me a place to share my recovery. 4 00:00:09,760 --> 00:00:13,640 Thank you for asking me, um, start as a qualifier. 5 00:00:13,640 --> 00:00:17,200 My sobriety date is May 22nd, 2012. 6 00:00:17,200 --> 00:00:19,720 So this year, that's not what I want. 7 00:00:19,720 --> 00:00:20,400 What, okay. 8 00:00:20,400 --> 00:00:21,560 Oh, there we go. 9 00:00:21,560 --> 00:00:22,840 I'll have 10 years. 10 00:00:22,840 --> 00:00:28,200 Um, which for me is just, I can't, that's kind of scary in a little bit of a way. 11 00:00:28,280 --> 00:00:32,520 Um, and also just mind blowing cause I, I remember not even being 12 00:00:32,520 --> 00:00:34,120 able to get to the 30 day mark. 13 00:00:34,120 --> 00:00:38,240 Um, I want to say welcome to those who are entering the rooms for the first time. 14 00:00:38,240 --> 00:00:43,080 There is hope in these rooms and if you stay long enough, you'll see it within 15 00:00:43,080 --> 00:00:45,240 other people and for yourself also. 16 00:00:45,240 --> 00:00:49,640 And that, I think that's one of the biggest blessings of AA is that we find 17 00:00:49,640 --> 00:00:54,880 hope again in these rooms, which is hard to see nowadays, um, especially everything 18 00:00:54,880 --> 00:01:00,440 going on in the world and just all the fear that exists, but one thing that I do 19 00:01:00,440 --> 00:01:05,960 know is that if we keep coming to these meetings, there, there is hope to stay 20 00:01:05,960 --> 00:01:07,760 another day sober in this moment. 21 00:01:07,760 --> 00:01:11,520 We're not drinking, we're not using, and you know, we keep putting one foot in 22 00:01:11,520 --> 00:01:17,280 front of the other and we are very, um, we're very resilient bunch of people. 23 00:01:17,280 --> 00:01:22,440 Um, I just think about everything that's gone on in the past two years. 24 00:01:22,440 --> 00:01:23,840 Sorry, we're not supposed to curse. 25 00:01:24,160 --> 00:01:26,200 Um, these past two years. 26 00:01:26,200 --> 00:01:30,800 And I initially was like, I don't like Zoom, Zoom doesn't work for me. 27 00:01:30,800 --> 00:01:35,960 And like, I started to see myself get a little crunchy and I was, you know, 28 00:01:35,960 --> 00:01:41,040 getting a little more angry at people in traffic and a little more irritable. 29 00:01:41,040 --> 00:01:45,160 And, um, you know, it was like, fine, I'll go to a Zoom meeting. 30 00:01:45,160 --> 00:01:50,000 And I was able to see a little bit of peace come back and I wasn't as snappy. 31 00:01:50,000 --> 00:01:52,520 And I was like, okay, I'll go to another Zoom meeting. 32 00:01:52,520 --> 00:01:56,360 And I started to see people that I cared about kind of fall to 33 00:01:56,360 --> 00:01:58,320 the outside of that inner circle. 34 00:01:58,320 --> 00:02:00,160 And some of them aren't sober anymore. 35 00:02:00,160 --> 00:02:04,200 And you know, like I see the rest of the world falling into a state 36 00:02:04,200 --> 00:02:06,400 of chaos, like even just in LA. 37 00:02:06,400 --> 00:02:09,880 And meanwhile, we can, we can handle a lot in these rooms. 38 00:02:09,880 --> 00:02:14,360 We continue to show up and we stay sober and you know, it's, it's really beautiful 39 00:02:14,360 --> 00:02:18,880 to see the way that we have connected with each other and learn to adapt our format 40 00:02:18,880 --> 00:02:22,560 so that we can continue to share the message of experience, 41 00:02:22,560 --> 00:02:23,960 strength, and hope with others. 42 00:02:23,960 --> 00:02:27,920 Um, I try to think, I don't remember my first drink. 43 00:02:27,920 --> 00:02:33,560 I do remember my first, um, when I threw up because of alcohol. 44 00:02:33,560 --> 00:02:38,000 Um, I, a lot, I have a history of trauma and quite a bit of it. 45 00:02:38,000 --> 00:02:41,160 And before 12 years old, there's not a lot of memories. 46 00:02:41,160 --> 00:02:42,520 I've just learned to block it out. 47 00:02:42,520 --> 00:02:45,840 And when I started doing therapy focused on the trauma, the images 48 00:02:45,840 --> 00:02:47,400 that were coming back were not pretty. 49 00:02:47,400 --> 00:02:51,360 So, um, I was like, I don't really want to do that anymore. 50 00:02:51,360 --> 00:02:52,080 Thank you. 51 00:02:52,080 --> 00:02:57,120 Um, but I do remember like 13, 14 years old, I found some Jose 52 00:02:57,120 --> 00:03:01,840 Cuervo and I drank way more than any 13, 14 year old should have. 53 00:03:01,840 --> 00:03:06,680 And I, I woke up and I turned to my, um, friends and I was like, I had 54 00:03:06,680 --> 00:03:08,600 a dream that I threw up last night. 55 00:03:08,600 --> 00:03:11,560 And she like lifted a towel and was like, you did. 56 00:03:11,560 --> 00:03:13,480 And I was like, well, that's weird. 57 00:03:13,480 --> 00:03:15,000 Like I drank that. 58 00:03:15,000 --> 00:03:19,680 I did that and all morning I was throwing up and her dad came in. 59 00:03:19,680 --> 00:03:21,960 Like, he was like, what's going on with you? 60 00:03:21,960 --> 00:03:24,400 It was like, I got sick off of garbanzo beans. 61 00:03:24,400 --> 00:03:26,160 I think I had food poisoning. 62 00:03:26,160 --> 00:03:29,840 And now I know you actually can't really get food poisoning 63 00:03:29,840 --> 00:03:32,200 from garbanzo beans or hummus. 64 00:03:32,200 --> 00:03:33,680 Um, so that's cool. 65 00:03:33,680 --> 00:03:37,800 But like, I just remember there was this part of me that was 66 00:03:37,800 --> 00:03:39,760 like, I felt, felt kind of cool. 67 00:03:39,760 --> 00:03:44,160 It's, it's a little embarrassing to say sometimes, but like, I really 68 00:03:44,200 --> 00:03:47,760 felt like I found the thing and I found an escape and I was like, this 69 00:03:47,760 --> 00:03:49,720 is what, this is what's going to save me. 70 00:03:49,720 --> 00:03:50,720 And at times it did. 71 00:03:50,720 --> 00:03:53,080 It really did save me from myself. 72 00:03:53,080 --> 00:03:56,360 Um, bottles of Veuve Cliquot were going missing. 73 00:03:56,360 --> 00:04:00,400 I don't know how my mom didn't put two and two together because 74 00:04:00,400 --> 00:04:01,800 it was just us in the house. 75 00:04:01,800 --> 00:04:03,440 She would be like, I don't know where they went. 76 00:04:03,440 --> 00:04:04,600 I need to get another one. 77 00:04:04,600 --> 00:04:05,840 And I was just like drinking them. 78 00:04:05,840 --> 00:04:07,000 They tasted great. 79 00:04:07,000 --> 00:04:11,040 So by 15, 16 things were really unmanageable with alcohol. 80 00:04:11,080 --> 00:04:16,080 Um, you know, I, my parents separated when I was nine months old. 81 00:04:16,080 --> 00:04:19,880 Um, my dad was a severe alcoholic drug addict. 82 00:04:19,880 --> 00:04:24,640 Um, he, he was active in his addiction and my mom was like, I can't, I 83 00:04:24,640 --> 00:04:26,360 need to do something to protect her. 84 00:04:26,360 --> 00:04:29,960 And that was something that, that kept me from feeling like I was 85 00:04:29,960 --> 00:04:33,480 connected to other people was growing up on the West side, there weren't 86 00:04:33,480 --> 00:04:38,560 a lot of people that I knew that also had single mothers and were an only child. 87 00:04:38,640 --> 00:04:42,640 And I always felt like I was on the outside and maybe, maybe if I had this 88 00:04:42,640 --> 00:04:46,600 thing, I would feel better and it was always something and you know, my mom 89 00:04:46,600 --> 00:04:51,760 did a wonderful job of she worked her ass off to care for me and as a kid, 90 00:04:51,760 --> 00:04:55,680 I couldn't understand that all I understood was that I didn't have what 91 00:04:55,680 --> 00:05:00,080 everyone else had and you know, there, there wasn't someone at home taking care 92 00:05:00,080 --> 00:05:03,800 of me, um, I had a housekeeper who was like a second mother to me. 93 00:05:03,800 --> 00:05:07,080 Um, and there were times where people would forget to pick me up. 94 00:05:07,080 --> 00:05:08,960 They thought someone else was picking me up. 95 00:05:08,960 --> 00:05:12,680 And, um, I was just like sitting outside school waiting for someone 96 00:05:12,680 --> 00:05:15,600 and a teacher, it would be dark and a teacher would come up to me 97 00:05:15,600 --> 00:05:17,400 and be like, no, we're, are you okay? 98 00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:19,640 And I'd be like, oh, you know, I'm just waiting. 99 00:05:19,640 --> 00:05:23,960 Um, and it's my heart breaks for that, that little Christiana. 100 00:05:23,960 --> 00:05:28,800 Um, and it, it was these experiences that validated my drinking 101 00:05:28,800 --> 00:05:30,160 and using the way that I did. 102 00:05:30,160 --> 00:05:35,000 If you felt that pain, that suffering, you too would drink, you too 103 00:05:35,000 --> 00:05:37,000 would smoke, you would act out. 104 00:05:37,000 --> 00:05:38,280 And try and get attention. 105 00:05:38,280 --> 00:05:43,400 And you know, I come from a long, long line of alcoholics, um, and a long line 106 00:05:43,400 --> 00:05:48,200 of sobriety too, is what I've come to realize, um, my dad eventually got sober. 107 00:05:48,200 --> 00:05:51,520 I think he passed away with 20 something years. 108 00:05:51,520 --> 00:05:54,680 He didn't, he didn't stay in the rooms, but he stayed dry. 109 00:05:54,680 --> 00:05:59,320 Uh, and that's one thing that I know that I don't ever want to be again. 110 00:05:59,320 --> 00:06:03,920 I've had periods where I've been really dry and it is probably worse than being. 111 00:06:04,120 --> 00:06:08,520 Active, like my mind has just been so mean, it's so hard to navigate. 112 00:06:08,520 --> 00:06:13,240 And despite not being in his, the active drinking phase, he caused a 113 00:06:13,240 --> 00:06:14,760 lot of wreckage and a lot of harm. 114 00:06:14,760 --> 00:06:16,480 He wasn't able to keep commitments. 115 00:06:16,480 --> 00:06:18,960 There were times where I would set up waiting for him and he just 116 00:06:18,960 --> 00:06:20,680 wouldn't show up and things like that. 117 00:06:20,680 --> 00:06:22,360 He had his own mental health issues. 118 00:06:22,360 --> 00:06:26,560 And, um, you know, I saw, I saw the impact on my brother and sister and it was sad. 119 00:06:26,560 --> 00:06:29,480 Um, my aunt was my first sponsor. 120 00:06:29,480 --> 00:06:32,520 Um, she, my father passed away. 121 00:06:32,520 --> 00:06:33,880 I think I had six. 122 00:06:33,920 --> 00:06:34,840 I didn't have six. 123 00:06:34,840 --> 00:06:39,280 I think I had three months sober and I got a call from my step-mom saying that 124 00:06:39,280 --> 00:06:43,600 my dad was in the hospital and he had stage four cancer, I needed to come right away. 125 00:06:43,600 --> 00:06:47,280 At three months sober, that was like, I don't know what to do. 126 00:06:47,280 --> 00:06:51,800 Um, luckily I had a couple of relapses, so I had made some connections in the rooms. 127 00:06:51,800 --> 00:06:54,400 And this was, this was back in 2012. 128 00:06:54,400 --> 00:06:59,120 And, um, I had a sponsor at the time and I, I kind of knew what to do. 129 00:06:59,120 --> 00:07:03,200 And luckily my, my phone was went straight to the phone and called my sponsor. 130 00:07:03,240 --> 00:07:04,400 She didn't answer. 131 00:07:04,400 --> 00:07:06,040 I just started calling. 132 00:07:06,040 --> 00:07:07,840 I called my mom crying hysterically. 133 00:07:07,840 --> 00:07:11,560 My, my sponsor immediately called me back before I could even 134 00:07:11,560 --> 00:07:13,840 like get through any other numbers. 135 00:07:13,840 --> 00:07:17,200 And she stayed on the phone with me until my mom got home. 136 00:07:17,200 --> 00:07:21,400 We booked a trip and I flew out there and, you know, I got to, I got to 137 00:07:21,400 --> 00:07:23,240 hold my dad's hand as he was dying. 138 00:07:23,240 --> 00:07:27,120 And I got to say that I forgave him and I think I really did. 139 00:07:27,120 --> 00:07:30,920 Um, and my aunt kind of held me hostage. 140 00:07:30,920 --> 00:07:35,000 She took me to this diner and I didn't realize it at the time, but she took 141 00:07:35,000 --> 00:07:37,080 me through the steps back to basics way. 142 00:07:37,080 --> 00:07:39,520 And we went through all 12 steps. 143 00:07:39,520 --> 00:07:42,000 I did not understand why we're doing it then. 144 00:07:42,000 --> 00:07:45,200 And they're like, my dad is in the hospital down the street. 145 00:07:45,200 --> 00:07:46,640 Why are we here doing this? 146 00:07:46,640 --> 00:07:50,720 Um, and now, I mean, I see it, she, she was like, you can't afford 147 00:07:50,720 --> 00:07:52,320 to not do this work right now. 148 00:07:52,320 --> 00:07:55,080 And while I probably would have handled it a little differently. 149 00:07:55,080 --> 00:07:59,480 Um, I'm really grateful because it did help me stay sober during that time. 150 00:07:59,520 --> 00:08:03,880 Um, I moved out there for a little while and, you know, my recovery, you 151 00:08:03,880 --> 00:08:07,960 know, it wasn't too solid to begin with three months sober is, you know, you're 152 00:08:07,960 --> 00:08:10,320 not winning at the recovery game so much. 153 00:08:10,320 --> 00:08:15,080 Um, I went out there to take care of my brother and sister and I didn't connect 154 00:08:15,080 --> 00:08:16,840 with people in the rooms that were there. 155 00:08:16,840 --> 00:08:21,720 Um, no offense to Arizona recovery, but old Cowboys, um, were 156 00:08:21,720 --> 00:08:24,600 not my idea of a vision for you. 157 00:08:24,600 --> 00:08:27,000 Um, I really struggled to connect. 158 00:08:27,000 --> 00:08:31,720 I was like in these like saloons in the middle of nowhere, Scottsdale, 159 00:08:31,720 --> 00:08:33,960 um, not even like downtown Scottsdale. 160 00:08:33,960 --> 00:08:38,280 We were like in cactus land where it was 20 minutes to get to a grocery store 161 00:08:38,280 --> 00:08:42,200 and guys are smoking cigarettes and have cowboy hats that they literally 162 00:08:42,200 --> 00:08:44,280 had spurs on their shoes. 163 00:08:44,280 --> 00:08:45,520 I'm from West LA. 164 00:08:45,520 --> 00:08:48,200 This was not what recovery was to me. 165 00:08:48,200 --> 00:08:50,160 Like I did not understand it. 166 00:08:50,160 --> 00:08:52,120 And so I stopped going shocking. 167 00:08:52,120 --> 00:08:54,640 Um, and the thoughts started coming back. 168 00:08:54,680 --> 00:08:59,520 Um, I was searching around at one point with my brother trying to find pot and 169 00:08:59,520 --> 00:09:03,720 he was, he was 15 years old and he had just lost his dad and he and I are going 170 00:09:03,720 --> 00:09:09,120 around our dad, um, looking around for marijuana and I sounded really old saying 171 00:09:09,120 --> 00:09:14,120 marijuana while looking for, looking for weed, um, we'll say that that sounds a 172 00:09:14,120 --> 00:09:14,600 little better. 173 00:09:14,600 --> 00:09:20,080 Um, and I realized that I needed to get, I needed to leave and it broke my heart 174 00:09:20,080 --> 00:09:21,360 to leave my brother and sister. 175 00:09:21,360 --> 00:09:22,600 Cause I was taking care of them. 176 00:09:22,600 --> 00:09:24,880 My step-mom was not able to show up for them. 177 00:09:24,880 --> 00:09:27,120 I was being a parent in that situation. 178 00:09:27,120 --> 00:09:31,120 And I also am really glad that I did it because at least one thing that they did 179 00:09:31,120 --> 00:09:34,760 see was me taking care of myself and a family that didn't really take care of 180 00:09:34,760 --> 00:09:35,360 ourselves. 181 00:09:35,360 --> 00:09:40,920 And, um, I stayed sober and I got back to the meetings that I, I really felt like 182 00:09:40,920 --> 00:09:44,960 there was some connection to, and it was hard. 183 00:09:44,960 --> 00:09:46,680 It was, it was really hard. 184 00:09:46,680 --> 00:09:51,160 Um, mental health is definitely a part of my story. 185 00:09:51,160 --> 00:09:52,840 So I, I do include it. 186 00:09:52,840 --> 00:09:57,520 Um, when I, when I said that alcohol saved me from myself, um, it really did. 187 00:09:57,520 --> 00:10:01,680 I was struggling with, um, suicidal ideation at the age of 13. 188 00:10:01,680 --> 00:10:03,880 I had my first, um, 51 50. 189 00:10:03,880 --> 00:10:10,680 Then, um, I went to BHCL Hambra and as a 13 year old and BHCL Hambra, um, I 190 00:10:10,680 --> 00:10:13,720 learned, I learned that I wasn't cutting the right way, that I wasn't trying to 191 00:10:13,720 --> 00:10:15,080 kill myself the right way. 192 00:10:15,080 --> 00:10:20,720 And I was so impressionable and I, I just wanted anything to be outside of this, 193 00:10:20,760 --> 00:10:22,440 this body and this mind. 194 00:10:22,440 --> 00:10:25,360 And, um, my cutting got worse and worse. 195 00:10:25,360 --> 00:10:28,480 Um, my attempts increased in frequency. 196 00:10:28,480 --> 00:10:33,480 And, um, one of the things that I did find was some sort of sense 197 00:10:33,480 --> 00:10:35,680 of safety in these institutions. 198 00:10:35,680 --> 00:10:37,880 So I would, I would go there a lot. 199 00:10:37,880 --> 00:10:43,920 I think I went, I was seven, seven times between the age of 13 and I must've been 200 00:10:43,920 --> 00:10:47,680 like 16, 17, which is shit ton of times to be hospitalized. 201 00:10:47,720 --> 00:10:51,080 Um, but you know, it, it really was, I was surrounded with love. 202 00:10:51,080 --> 00:10:53,120 I was, my needs were cared for. 203 00:10:53,120 --> 00:10:55,600 Like I didn't have to do anything like nurses were there. 204 00:10:55,600 --> 00:10:59,400 They play cards with me and it, it no longer became about trying to 205 00:10:59,400 --> 00:11:03,200 necessarily harm myself like that was there, but it was how do I go and find 206 00:11:03,200 --> 00:11:05,320 safety because it wasn't safe at my home. 207 00:11:05,320 --> 00:11:09,360 Um, and at that time I started exposing myself to more and more 208 00:11:09,360 --> 00:11:10,760 alcohol, more and more pot. 209 00:11:10,760 --> 00:11:13,680 I discovered ecstasy and man, I fucking loved ecstasy. 210 00:11:13,680 --> 00:11:17,080 Like if you struggle with depression and you get ahold of some ecstasy, it's 211 00:11:17,080 --> 00:11:19,080 like, holy shit, life feels good. 212 00:11:19,080 --> 00:11:23,040 And like, I loved being able to feel my body in a certain way, 213 00:11:23,040 --> 00:11:24,480 like tingling sensations. 214 00:11:24,480 --> 00:11:26,680 All I felt was like numb and dead inside. 215 00:11:26,680 --> 00:11:31,320 Um, and I ended up switching, like from trying to kill myself to trying to kill 216 00:11:31,320 --> 00:11:33,320 myself through drugs and alcohol, essentially. 217 00:11:33,320 --> 00:11:35,800 Um, I always wanted more, I needed more. 218 00:11:35,800 --> 00:11:39,960 I couldn't, I didn't have the access to use the way that I wanted to use. 219 00:11:39,960 --> 00:11:41,720 So I was still kind of managing. 220 00:11:41,760 --> 00:11:47,480 And in college, when I went away, I was 17 years old when I went to school and 221 00:11:47,480 --> 00:11:52,800 I had the decision to either go on a softball scholarship or a soccer scholarship. 222 00:11:52,800 --> 00:11:57,320 Um, and I went with softball because I would have had more playing time and my 223 00:11:57,320 --> 00:12:01,520 ego could not handle sitting on the bench for a year, lo and behold, I got injured 224 00:12:01,520 --> 00:12:07,200 and I was benched the entire season and the softball team partied with the 225 00:12:07,200 --> 00:12:12,040 football team and if you think the football team can drink, well, let me 226 00:12:12,040 --> 00:12:14,040 tell you about the softball team. 227 00:12:14,040 --> 00:12:19,120 We were very competitive and we out drank almost every single 228 00:12:19,120 --> 00:12:20,960 like linebacker that we had. 229 00:12:20,960 --> 00:12:22,000 It wasn't a huge school. 230 00:12:22,000 --> 00:12:23,120 It was D3 football. 231 00:12:23,120 --> 00:12:26,680 So that's not saying a whole lot, but the linebackers are big regardless. 232 00:12:26,680 --> 00:12:30,080 And I was out drinking easily all the dudes in the room. 233 00:12:30,080 --> 00:12:34,840 Um, and that, that fuel was ignited because it was easier and easier to get. 234 00:12:34,920 --> 00:12:39,120 Like I had more and more access and blackouts were happening regularly. 235 00:12:39,120 --> 00:12:41,480 The security guard was concerned about me. 236 00:12:41,480 --> 00:12:45,200 Like, cause he would tell me that I was sitting outside by a tree and hugging it. 237 00:12:45,200 --> 00:12:46,440 Like what the fuck? 238 00:12:46,440 --> 00:12:48,600 Like weird things, sorry, I cursed again. 239 00:12:48,600 --> 00:12:49,960 Um, it's going to slip. 240 00:12:49,960 --> 00:12:53,120 Um, we're more and more weird things were happening. 241 00:12:53,120 --> 00:12:56,120 Um, and it was, I thought it was kind of funny and then it 242 00:12:56,120 --> 00:12:57,800 started becoming dark and scary. 243 00:12:57,800 --> 00:13:00,200 Um, I lost my scholarship. 244 00:13:00,200 --> 00:13:04,680 The only things that year that I ended up passing were, I think it was computers. 245 00:13:04,720 --> 00:13:05,600 And softball. 246 00:13:05,600 --> 00:13:09,840 And the only reason I pass softball is because who doesn't fail softball. 247 00:13:09,840 --> 00:13:13,520 Um, I told my mom that it was because I failed math and I wasn't allowed 248 00:13:13,520 --> 00:13:15,880 back at the school that was not a surprise. 249 00:13:15,880 --> 00:13:19,520 Um, she believed it cause math has never been my strong suit. 250 00:13:19,520 --> 00:13:23,440 I, I was being sent to first grade math class when I was in third grade. 251 00:13:23,440 --> 00:13:27,200 Cause I was just, I just didn't understand these concepts, these 252 00:13:27,200 --> 00:13:30,040 letters, these numbers, like what are we doing here? 253 00:13:30,080 --> 00:13:35,520 Um, so I returned home and I started doing the JC switch. 254 00:13:35,520 --> 00:13:39,080 Um, I went to Santa Monica, got it together a bit, ended 255 00:13:39,080 --> 00:13:40,960 up going to Cuesta college. 256 00:13:40,960 --> 00:13:43,520 I ended up just failing out of these schools. 257 00:13:43,520 --> 00:13:47,040 Um, and if you don't know, you can fail out of a junior college. 258 00:13:47,040 --> 00:13:49,320 I didn't know that it's happened three times. 259 00:13:49,320 --> 00:13:52,240 Um, I did not know how to show up for classes. 260 00:13:52,240 --> 00:13:54,480 I was high when I showed up for classes. 261 00:13:54,480 --> 00:13:56,360 I actually had a professor at one point. 262 00:13:56,520 --> 00:14:00,960 I was in this remedial English class and we have the exam that I didn't know about. 263 00:14:00,960 --> 00:14:03,880 And I did a gravity bong hit right before class. 264 00:14:03,880 --> 00:14:07,600 And he took one look at me, took the exam from me and gave me some 265 00:14:07,600 --> 00:14:09,920 like markers and a piece of paper. 266 00:14:09,920 --> 00:14:13,360 Cause like, he was like, girl, you are too fucked up to even do this. 267 00:14:13,360 --> 00:14:16,120 And I was just like sitting there coloring and I guess he didn't want 268 00:14:16,120 --> 00:14:19,360 me to be embarrassed that like, he just knew that I wasn't going to do it. 269 00:14:19,360 --> 00:14:23,960 Um, I just kept not understanding why I couldn't pass these classes. 270 00:14:23,960 --> 00:14:27,320 As well, if you're constantly drinking in class and getting high in class, 271 00:14:27,320 --> 00:14:29,160 you're not going to pass, you're just not. 272 00:14:29,160 --> 00:14:32,320 Um, and it was a source of a lot of shame. 273 00:14:32,320 --> 00:14:36,920 So I kept trying to do it, like being on growing up on the West side, like 274 00:14:36,920 --> 00:14:40,920 everyone's going to like Stanford and places like this, that was never an 275 00:14:40,920 --> 00:14:45,640 option for me, but there was this idea to fit into this image of, you know, 276 00:14:45,640 --> 00:14:49,560 you go to a four year school, you get a good job, you start a family, you do the thing. 277 00:14:49,600 --> 00:14:54,040 Um, and meanwhile, I'm making up these lies, these excuses, like, I don't 278 00:14:54,040 --> 00:14:55,440 know, there was this thing at school. 279 00:14:55,440 --> 00:14:56,720 That's why I'm not done yet. 280 00:14:56,720 --> 00:14:57,840 That's why I'm not done yet. 281 00:14:57,840 --> 00:14:59,640 And it really was drugs and alcohol. 282 00:14:59,640 --> 00:15:00,600 Main reason. 283 00:15:00,600 --> 00:15:05,280 Um, I ended up working some, there was a lot of trauma associated with 284 00:15:05,280 --> 00:15:10,360 San Luis Obispo, a lot of blackouts, a lot of drinking, there was a sexual assault. 285 00:15:10,360 --> 00:15:14,960 There was, it was just, it got so bad and it wasn't, I don't blame the 286 00:15:14,960 --> 00:15:18,680 drugs and alcohol for the sexual assault, but I don't think I would 287 00:15:18,680 --> 00:15:22,520 have been in that situation to begin with, had I not been using drugs and alcohol. 288 00:15:22,520 --> 00:15:25,760 Um, and that was a difficult part to look at on the fourth step. 289 00:15:25,760 --> 00:15:30,360 Um, not that I needed to forgive someone for that, but looking at, you 290 00:15:30,360 --> 00:15:32,120 know, drugs and alcohol were present. 291 00:15:32,120 --> 00:15:35,680 Um, and that was, that was about kind of where I left it with that. 292 00:15:35,680 --> 00:15:37,600 I didn't have to look at it any further. 293 00:15:37,600 --> 00:15:41,680 I got that permission from my sponsor to just kind of let that one go, but 294 00:15:41,680 --> 00:15:43,680 it was a resentment that I held on to. 295 00:15:43,720 --> 00:15:48,920 And I got back, I had always managed to somewhat keep functioning jobs. 296 00:15:48,920 --> 00:15:51,760 Um, and I started working at Pitfire Pizza. 297 00:15:51,760 --> 00:15:54,440 I don't know if y'all know it, but there's quite a few that 298 00:15:54,440 --> 00:15:56,560 somehow end up next to AA meetings. 299 00:15:56,560 --> 00:16:01,480 I don't know how that happens, but I was an assistant general manager 300 00:16:01,480 --> 00:16:06,080 at Pitfire in Westwood and there's the Selby street meeting that is right near 301 00:16:06,080 --> 00:16:10,080 it and it's actually a meeting that I ended up going to, but I was, I ended 302 00:16:10,080 --> 00:16:11,840 up starting making the sangria. 303 00:16:11,880 --> 00:16:16,640 Um, it got to the point where I would bust out a like black cherry soda, pour 304 00:16:16,640 --> 00:16:21,200 it in a glass next to the sangria, hoping people would think that I wasn't drinking. 305 00:16:21,200 --> 00:16:25,240 They think it was the black cherry soda, but really I was like drinking sangria 306 00:16:25,240 --> 00:16:28,440 10 o'clock in the morning and it just kept getting worse and worse. 307 00:16:28,440 --> 00:16:33,720 And, um, at that time I think I was even biking to work because my drinking was 308 00:16:33,720 --> 00:16:38,840 so bad and I ended up like looking back, there was people in the meetings that 309 00:16:38,840 --> 00:16:42,240 would come into Pitfire and I kept offering them drinks, like let me get 310 00:16:42,240 --> 00:16:43,600 you a drink and all this stuff. 311 00:16:43,600 --> 00:16:47,280 And I just, I don't even know why I shared that, but essentially I was, I 312 00:16:47,280 --> 00:16:50,520 was testing a bunch of alcoholics and now looking back, like that 313 00:16:50,520 --> 00:16:51,640 was the place to hang out. 314 00:16:51,640 --> 00:16:52,880 Um, I feel bad for them. 315 00:16:52,880 --> 00:16:55,520 I constantly was like, Hey, do you want to relapse? 316 00:16:55,520 --> 00:16:56,520 Do you want to relapse? 317 00:16:56,520 --> 00:16:58,760 And they're like, no, man, like you're okay. 318 00:16:58,760 --> 00:17:02,000 But I've always like found myself in these weird AA circles, 319 00:17:02,000 --> 00:17:03,800 like somehow on the outside. 320 00:17:03,800 --> 00:17:05,920 I've always been drawn towards AA. 321 00:17:05,920 --> 00:17:07,960 Um, I ended up quitting that job. 322 00:17:08,000 --> 00:17:08,920 I got a DUI. 323 00:17:08,920 --> 00:17:10,600 It was very embarrassing incident. 324 00:17:10,600 --> 00:17:14,800 Um, I had gotten home from the bar, biked home from the bar, wanted Taco Bell, 325 00:17:14,800 --> 00:17:20,240 decided to get in my car to drive to Taco Bell, got pulled over, told the officer 326 00:17:20,240 --> 00:17:24,640 that I was drunk, um, and that's why I wasn't answering the questions correctly. 327 00:17:24,640 --> 00:17:28,280 Um, not very smart, but I think it was this part of me that just so 328 00:17:28,280 --> 00:17:31,440 desperately needed help and didn't know how to ask for it anymore. 329 00:17:31,440 --> 00:17:34,120 Um, and was forced into the rooms of AA. 330 00:17:34,200 --> 00:17:39,120 Um, I ended up telling the general manager at Pitfire that I couldn't work there 331 00:17:39,120 --> 00:17:40,840 because I couldn't stay sober working there. 332 00:17:40,840 --> 00:17:44,040 I kept doing a couple of days sober, relapsing a couple of days sober, 333 00:17:44,040 --> 00:17:46,040 relapsing, and I quit that job. 334 00:17:46,040 --> 00:17:48,240 And, um, I focused on my sobriety. 335 00:17:48,240 --> 00:17:50,480 I don't, I don't know what I did for employment after that. 336 00:17:50,480 --> 00:17:54,680 I think AA and school were kind of my employment, but I started, I started 337 00:17:54,680 --> 00:17:58,440 to slowly connect with the rooms because of this court order DUI. 338 00:17:58,440 --> 00:18:03,040 Um, I didn't know that faking attendance was an option and I'm really glad, 339 00:18:03,080 --> 00:18:04,920 but I was faking my signatures. 340 00:18:04,920 --> 00:18:08,040 Cause I was too scared to tell people in the rooms that I was 341 00:18:08,040 --> 00:18:09,720 actually court appointed alcoholic. 342 00:18:09,720 --> 00:18:10,760 I thought I wouldn't belong. 343 00:18:10,760 --> 00:18:14,880 Um, so sitting in the rooms and I would go and fake sign my court 344 00:18:14,880 --> 00:18:17,760 card and turn it in, um, which is kind of reversed. 345 00:18:17,760 --> 00:18:21,240 Uh, so yeah, get your court card signed if you're here for that. 346 00:18:21,240 --> 00:18:26,600 Um, I told my DUI counselor, like we were in like these group DUI classes and 347 00:18:26,600 --> 00:18:28,320 people were on like their third or fourth. 348 00:18:28,320 --> 00:18:31,840 And I started sharing about my connection to the AA meetings. 349 00:18:31,840 --> 00:18:35,480 And I think I was probably the first one who shared about actually wanting 350 00:18:35,480 --> 00:18:37,840 to go to AA and wanting to like be sober. 351 00:18:37,840 --> 00:18:41,080 So he like latched on to me and was like, here's how we do recovery. 352 00:18:41,080 --> 00:18:43,480 And I'm so glad he was like, you're going to get the sponsor. 353 00:18:43,480 --> 00:18:44,680 You're going to do this thing. 354 00:18:44,680 --> 00:18:50,320 And if I slowly started to see that I belonged in these rooms and that I mean, 355 00:18:50,320 --> 00:18:53,960 I really belong, not just like, Hey, you're here on a DUI charge. 356 00:18:53,960 --> 00:18:58,080 Um, I ended up having an experience where I had an opportunity with 357 00:18:58,080 --> 00:19:02,320 school at that time to go on a major trip for Marine biology. 358 00:19:02,320 --> 00:19:05,920 And I wanted to test myself one last time with drinking. 359 00:19:05,920 --> 00:19:08,520 And I ended up missing the whole opportunity. 360 00:19:08,520 --> 00:19:10,120 I camped at a different campground. 361 00:19:10,120 --> 00:19:11,040 I got so drunk. 362 00:19:11,040 --> 00:19:12,800 I fell 20 feet off of a cliff. 363 00:19:12,800 --> 00:19:17,600 Um, I don't, I don't know how I didn't get injured, but I climbed back up and 364 00:19:17,600 --> 00:19:20,120 like covered in thorns and busted up. 365 00:19:20,120 --> 00:19:22,240 And the first thing I grabbed was fireball. 366 00:19:22,240 --> 00:19:27,000 Um, any sane person would be like, I need to stop drinking for the rest of the day. 367 00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:31,040 I just fell off a cliff and my idea is woo survived. 368 00:19:31,040 --> 00:19:32,400 Let's let's do fireball. 369 00:19:32,400 --> 00:19:33,360 Let's do champagne. 370 00:19:33,360 --> 00:19:34,600 Let's keep this thing going. 371 00:19:34,600 --> 00:19:37,280 Um, I missed out entirely on that opportunity. 372 00:19:37,280 --> 00:19:39,920 I don't even think I saw the professor wants to trip. 373 00:19:39,920 --> 00:19:45,200 And when I got home, my mom, I walked in the door and she was like, yo, yo, you okay? 374 00:19:45,200 --> 00:19:48,600 Like, and the first thing I said was I need to go to an AA meeting. 375 00:19:48,600 --> 00:19:52,920 And it really was that aha moment of like, I need to really do this. 376 00:19:52,920 --> 00:19:56,360 Like I've tried every single way to do it my own way. 377 00:19:56,360 --> 00:19:58,000 And maybe I should just listen. 378 00:19:58,000 --> 00:19:59,640 Um, I got a sponsor. 379 00:19:59,640 --> 00:20:01,680 I started doing, doing the steps. 380 00:20:01,680 --> 00:20:04,600 Um, that's when the whole thing with my dad happened. 381 00:20:04,600 --> 00:20:08,880 I ended up coming back to LA and I had this young sponsor and 382 00:20:08,880 --> 00:20:10,160 I thought she was so cool. 383 00:20:10,160 --> 00:20:12,960 She was pretty, she was standing at the podium talking about how she 384 00:20:12,960 --> 00:20:15,200 just broke up with her boyfriend and she didn't want to drink. 385 00:20:15,200 --> 00:20:17,000 And I was like, that's my sponsor. 386 00:20:17,000 --> 00:20:21,200 Um, that was, there was like no, no recovery there, except she didn't drink. 387 00:20:21,200 --> 00:20:24,520 And we would sit and read the big book and she started nodding off. 388 00:20:24,520 --> 00:20:28,400 And I would, I had made enough friends during that time to be like, I 389 00:20:28,400 --> 00:20:30,480 think there's something off with my sponsor. 390 00:20:30,480 --> 00:20:33,440 They kept an eye on me, but they never told me what was going on. 391 00:20:33,440 --> 00:20:36,760 And they waited for me to have my own experience with my sponsor. 392 00:20:36,760 --> 00:20:38,480 And I was like, do I need a new one? 393 00:20:38,480 --> 00:20:39,960 They were like, yes, here we go. 394 00:20:39,960 --> 00:20:40,680 Let's find you. 395 00:20:40,680 --> 00:20:46,120 And I found a sponsor who was so like, just, she was Alan on an AA. 396 00:20:46,120 --> 00:20:48,440 And it was like, you do it this way. 397 00:20:48,440 --> 00:20:49,320 This is how we do it. 398 00:20:49,320 --> 00:20:51,400 We sit at the front, you don't play with your phone. 399 00:20:51,400 --> 00:20:53,840 You think the speaker, you arrive early. 400 00:20:53,840 --> 00:20:57,760 Like she, I mean, she put me in check, um, and I needed it. 401 00:20:57,760 --> 00:21:00,840 I needed every bit of structure and direction. 402 00:21:00,840 --> 00:21:04,680 And I started really kind of giving my all to school and I 403 00:21:04,680 --> 00:21:06,840 started to see that I wasn't stupid. 404 00:21:06,840 --> 00:21:08,960 I actually have the ability to achieve. 405 00:21:08,960 --> 00:21:12,480 And there was like an immediate turnaround between the time I started 406 00:21:12,480 --> 00:21:16,160 actually showing up to meetings and working the steps, not just like doing 407 00:21:16,160 --> 00:21:18,920 the in and out of, Oh, my life improves. 408 00:21:18,920 --> 00:21:22,320 I'm starting to find connect with teenagers. 409 00:21:22,320 --> 00:21:26,320 And I was working at a church and I was starting to pass classes and I didn't 410 00:21:26,320 --> 00:21:28,240 wake up with these shameful thoughts. 411 00:21:28,240 --> 00:21:32,200 I, I started to see my friend group change and it was kind of the first 412 00:21:32,200 --> 00:21:37,880 real time where I was like, Oh, this is the real issue was the drugs and alcohol. 413 00:21:37,880 --> 00:21:42,040 And the way that I was using all these other things to fix all of the hurt. 414 00:21:42,040 --> 00:21:45,840 And if I just show up, share with others, do some very basic things 415 00:21:45,840 --> 00:21:50,320 like turning my life over, trusting others, asking for help when I need it. 416 00:21:50,360 --> 00:21:52,600 Things like that, my life would get better. 417 00:21:52,600 --> 00:21:57,440 Um, and I ended up, I ended up having a counselor or he was a counselor doing 418 00:21:57,440 --> 00:22:00,880 like this course that was like counseling, but it was really like how do you pass 419 00:22:00,880 --> 00:22:06,120 classes in college who really invested in me, um, and he had me do a, instead 420 00:22:06,120 --> 00:22:10,320 of the normal final, it was like a written first step that was like explain 421 00:22:10,320 --> 00:22:13,880 why you're unmanageable and you're powerless over alcohol, what does that 422 00:22:13,880 --> 00:22:17,080 even look like, and he allowed me to turn that in and it was actually 423 00:22:17,080 --> 00:22:18,760 my first day that I ever got. 424 00:22:18,920 --> 00:22:24,800 Um, Ooh, I just got feelings, um, uncomfortable, but like it was really 425 00:22:24,800 --> 00:22:27,960 was that assignment where I was like, maybe, maybe I'm not stupid. 426 00:22:27,960 --> 00:22:29,160 Maybe I have a chance. 427 00:22:29,160 --> 00:22:31,560 Maybe, maybe I can graduate college. 428 00:22:31,560 --> 00:22:35,560 Um, and at that point I had been kicked out of three junior colleges, 429 00:22:35,560 --> 00:22:38,240 asked not to return to like SMC. 430 00:22:38,240 --> 00:22:42,360 Um, and I was like, I think, I think I can get my associate degree and 431 00:22:42,360 --> 00:22:45,800 started doing the work and I ended up getting my associate degree. 432 00:22:45,800 --> 00:22:48,080 And I was like, maybe I can get a bachelor degree. 433 00:22:48,320 --> 00:22:49,640 Maybe this is possible. 434 00:22:49,640 --> 00:22:54,240 And I was 10 years to get my BA degree from when I graduated high school, I 435 00:22:54,240 --> 00:22:56,480 guess, um, and I finally got it. 436 00:22:56,480 --> 00:23:00,120 And I found out that, you know, there's addiction studies, you can get your 437 00:23:00,120 --> 00:23:01,960 bachelor degree in addiction studies. 438 00:23:01,960 --> 00:23:04,320 And I was like, shit, I know something about that. 439 00:23:04,320 --> 00:23:06,120 Like I'm a pro at this. 440 00:23:06,120 --> 00:23:10,200 And I started taking classes that were focused on psychology and addiction 441 00:23:10,200 --> 00:23:14,040 studies, and I was like, maybe I have something to give to this professional 442 00:23:14,040 --> 00:23:19,200 community and it allowed me to kind of shift the whole trajectory of my life. 443 00:23:19,200 --> 00:23:23,240 And I ended up, you know, finding a new sponsor and she's still the 444 00:23:23,240 --> 00:23:24,880 same sponsor that I have today. 445 00:23:24,880 --> 00:23:29,640 And it was, I saw light in her eyes that I hadn't seen with other people and I felt 446 00:23:29,640 --> 00:23:34,400 safe and I felt like I could go to her with anything and I really do believe in 447 00:23:34,400 --> 00:23:38,960 finding a sponsor who is there for you thick and thin and like cheers for you 448 00:23:38,960 --> 00:23:43,120 when you're struggling and being weird and, um, helps you turn towards other 449 00:23:43,120 --> 00:23:47,400 women in the program or other men in the program and really getting connected. 450 00:23:47,400 --> 00:23:50,600 And, you know, she helped me believe in myself when it was really difficult. 451 00:23:50,600 --> 00:23:55,560 And when I had this, I had a dream at five years sober to, when I graduated 452 00:23:55,560 --> 00:23:59,320 college to go and travel around the world for six months and she was like, shit, do 453 00:23:59,320 --> 00:24:03,360 it, you can stay sober and like everyone in my life was like, no, you, you cannot 454 00:24:03,360 --> 00:24:06,880 stay sober or going around the world that long, like you just can't do that. 455 00:24:06,880 --> 00:24:08,520 My mom was freaking out. 456 00:24:08,520 --> 00:24:10,200 She was like, you're going to drink. 457 00:24:10,200 --> 00:24:11,080 This is insane. 458 00:24:11,080 --> 00:24:12,640 Why are you spending that much money? 459 00:24:12,640 --> 00:24:15,400 And meanwhile, my sponsor was like, why are you going to meetings? 460 00:24:15,400 --> 00:24:18,760 Like, how do we support, what is our plan to connect and do all this? 461 00:24:18,760 --> 00:24:22,880 And I ended up taking a five year by turn five in Greece and took 462 00:24:22,880 --> 00:24:25,400 my five year coin in Ireland. 463 00:24:25,400 --> 00:24:26,480 That was a trip. 464 00:24:26,480 --> 00:24:31,680 Um, like the, the meetings in Ireland, like meetings at Vietnam meetings in 465 00:24:31,680 --> 00:24:36,120 Greece, like I was, I was connecting with a recovery community all over and it 466 00:24:36,120 --> 00:24:39,320 helped me stay sober and help me experience different cultures. 467 00:24:39,320 --> 00:24:43,440 And during that time I had actually applied for grad school and I had, uh, I 468 00:24:43,440 --> 00:24:48,120 had a full ride to university of Denver, which is unheard of for grad school. 469 00:24:48,120 --> 00:24:52,200 And something in me during that trip was like, this isn't it. 470 00:24:52,200 --> 00:24:52,880 This isn't it. 471 00:24:52,880 --> 00:24:54,840 Don't, don't go to that school. 472 00:24:54,840 --> 00:24:58,960 And the more that I traveled, the more that I connected with cultures and I 473 00:24:58,960 --> 00:25:01,880 didn't want to do social work in Denver. 474 00:25:01,880 --> 00:25:05,520 Like, uh, I wanted to be in a city where I could really make some change. 475 00:25:05,520 --> 00:25:06,720 Not that Denver is not a city. 476 00:25:06,720 --> 00:25:11,200 If anyone's from Denver, like it's great, beautiful, um, flat, got some mountains. 477 00:25:11,200 --> 00:25:11,520 Great. 478 00:25:11,520 --> 00:25:16,760 Um, but I saw myself doing social work in LA and I rejected that offer. 479 00:25:16,760 --> 00:25:20,680 Again, people were telling me I was crazy and my sponsor was like, no, like you're 480 00:25:20,680 --> 00:25:23,040 do with what you trust, like God's got you. 481 00:25:23,040 --> 00:25:27,320 Um, and you know, I leaned into the fact where, where are the meetings there? 482 00:25:27,320 --> 00:25:30,960 Like I love fucking pot and Denver and pot. 483 00:25:30,960 --> 00:25:35,040 They like are a perfect storm for me relaxing. 484 00:25:35,120 --> 00:25:39,640 Um, and I ended up saying like, no, like my recovery is not going to like, I don't 485 00:25:39,640 --> 00:25:41,760 think that's the best place for me in my recovery. 486 00:25:41,760 --> 00:25:44,680 And I worked in methadone clinics for a year. 487 00:25:44,680 --> 00:25:46,800 That was quite humbling for my recovery. 488 00:25:46,800 --> 00:25:52,120 And I ended up applying to USC and I ended up getting another major scholarship. 489 00:25:52,120 --> 00:25:57,800 Um, and I ended up kind of entering this field and getting honors at USC and making 490 00:25:57,800 --> 00:26:00,480 the Dean's list, that's where I connected with you. 491 00:26:00,480 --> 00:26:05,240 And you know, it was, it's been this beautiful wild ride where I've still had 492 00:26:05,240 --> 00:26:09,840 my fair share of issues, but I also have throughout every single struggle, I've 493 00:26:09,840 --> 00:26:13,560 been able to connect with the hope and recovery and hope in the meetings. 494 00:26:13,560 --> 00:26:16,120 And you know, it's, it's not always easy. 495 00:26:16,120 --> 00:26:20,120 Um, but I know that I don't want to go back to what life was. 496 00:26:20,120 --> 00:26:24,920 Um, there's, there's so many things that I don't even know what I want to do, but 497 00:26:24,920 --> 00:26:28,240 I know once I identify it, that I'll be able to achieve it. 498 00:26:28,280 --> 00:26:31,640 And that's because of the encouragement and the love in these rooms. 499 00:26:31,640 --> 00:26:34,760 And I don't think I've all of my insane ideas. 500 00:26:34,760 --> 00:26:38,120 Like I've really been told like, no, don't do that. 501 00:26:38,120 --> 00:26:41,160 It's kind of been like, okay, how do we support you in your sobriety 502 00:26:41,160 --> 00:26:42,360 as you go do this thing? 503 00:26:42,360 --> 00:26:46,400 And I'm a big fan of kind of just cheering people on with our dreams. 504 00:26:46,400 --> 00:26:49,280 Cause we are, you know, we're, we're quite creative in these rooms. 505 00:26:49,280 --> 00:26:53,680 Um, we went to great lengths for drinking and using, and we will go to great lengths 506 00:26:53,680 --> 00:26:55,960 and achieve beautiful things in recovery. 507 00:26:55,960 --> 00:27:00,400 And so, um, finding the people that you connect with and who cheer you on along 508 00:27:00,400 --> 00:27:05,240 the way and, um, going where the love is, you know, I I'm a big fan of going where 509 00:27:05,240 --> 00:27:09,400 the love is and there's a sense of comfort and peace in these meetings that. 510 00:27:09,400 --> 00:27:13,600 I know when I'm struggling, as long as I get to a meeting, I'm going to be okay. 511 00:27:13,600 --> 00:27:18,400 Because even if I say like, I'm just struggling with being an alcoholic 512 00:27:18,400 --> 00:27:21,440 or just being in my own skin, there's going to be someone in this room. 513 00:27:21,440 --> 00:27:23,200 That's like, yeah, I know what that feels like. 514 00:27:23,240 --> 00:27:27,120 There's whenever I speak up about a difficulty, there will be someone in 515 00:27:27,120 --> 00:27:30,240 that meeting who has been through something similar and can share their 516 00:27:30,240 --> 00:27:31,400 experience, strength, and hope. 517 00:27:31,400 --> 00:27:34,280 And if there's not, you better believe they probably have a phone 518 00:27:34,280 --> 00:27:37,600 list of people that I can call that will have been through something similar. 519 00:27:37,600 --> 00:27:41,000 And we don't, we don't have to navigate recovery alone. 520 00:27:41,000 --> 00:27:43,720 And that was something that was kind of a weird concept for me. 521 00:27:43,720 --> 00:27:46,280 It was like, Oh, I don't have to do things alone. 522 00:27:46,280 --> 00:27:47,400 Like, what do you mean? 523 00:27:47,400 --> 00:27:50,000 Like I can actually trust other people. 524 00:27:50,000 --> 00:27:53,880 I don't have to constantly kind of guard myself and protect myself. 525 00:27:53,880 --> 00:27:57,080 Um, cause that's the only world that I really knew was 526 00:27:57,080 --> 00:27:59,320 like, how do I keep myself safe? 527 00:27:59,320 --> 00:28:01,360 Um, I didn't know how to trust. 528 00:28:01,360 --> 00:28:03,560 And in these rooms, I learned how to trust others. 529 00:28:03,560 --> 00:28:07,800 I honestly, I didn't even know how to live in these rooms taught me how to live. 530 00:28:07,800 --> 00:28:09,640 Um, I, I had been of service. 531 00:28:09,640 --> 00:28:10,920 I'd worked at churches. 532 00:28:10,920 --> 00:28:15,080 I grew up in the church and theoretically I knew what being of service was. 533 00:28:15,080 --> 00:28:16,320 I went on mission trips. 534 00:28:16,320 --> 00:28:19,240 I did all that, but it wasn't until I got sober. 535 00:28:19,240 --> 00:28:24,480 And actually did true service work in these rooms that I really understood 536 00:28:24,480 --> 00:28:27,920 what it was like to help a fellow human being and to help someone who is 537 00:28:27,920 --> 00:28:32,560 struggling, it was always, what can I get out of this cervix experience? 538 00:28:32,560 --> 00:28:36,360 I'm going to go to a homeless shelter and do these things, but it wasn't for 539 00:28:36,360 --> 00:28:40,840 the other people in a way was how do I feel better by doing this thing? 540 00:28:40,840 --> 00:28:43,240 And now it's just like, how do I help you? 541 00:28:43,240 --> 00:28:44,360 How do I connect with you? 542 00:28:44,360 --> 00:28:45,640 How do I share recovery? 543 00:28:45,640 --> 00:28:47,120 What do you need to do? 544 00:28:47,200 --> 00:28:51,040 Um, and that, that was, that was a transformational experience to give 545 00:28:51,040 --> 00:28:53,240 without trying to get anything in return. 546 00:28:53,240 --> 00:28:57,400 And ultimately like sharing the message of recovery with others. 547 00:28:57,400 --> 00:29:00,560 While I was at USC, I was connected. 548 00:29:00,560 --> 00:29:04,680 We, there was a recovery center there and I had the opportunity to mentor 549 00:29:04,680 --> 00:29:07,720 women that were in the social work program who were trying to get sober. 550 00:29:07,720 --> 00:29:11,200 Um, I don't know how they even made it to grad school by drinking 551 00:29:11,200 --> 00:29:13,240 and using, but you know, they, they did it. 552 00:29:13,320 --> 00:29:17,680 And I got to like, sit down and read the big book with women on campus. 553 00:29:17,680 --> 00:29:19,000 And that, that was wild. 554 00:29:19,000 --> 00:29:22,800 Um, and knowing that like, if I struggled, there were other people on 555 00:29:22,800 --> 00:29:27,200 campus who are struggling and could offer experience straight than hope. 556 00:29:27,200 --> 00:29:30,400 And I think one of the beautiful things about AA is learning 557 00:29:30,400 --> 00:29:31,520 that I'm no greater. 558 00:29:31,520 --> 00:29:32,360 I'm no less. 559 00:29:32,360 --> 00:29:34,120 We are, we are all equals. 560 00:29:34,120 --> 00:29:37,200 And at the end of the day, we're all just trying to navigate recovery. 561 00:29:37,200 --> 00:29:39,880 And I really try and hold on to that. 562 00:29:39,920 --> 00:29:45,520 Um, and just continuing to come back to meetings pandemic or not, like 563 00:29:45,520 --> 00:29:47,080 we got to show up for our recovery. 564 00:29:47,080 --> 00:29:51,880 And if we're not in these meetings and we're not working on our recovery, 565 00:29:51,880 --> 00:29:55,760 someone else might miss out on what we have to offer. 566 00:29:55,760 --> 00:29:58,440 And so sometimes I don't want to go to a meeting. 567 00:29:58,440 --> 00:30:00,680 I don't, I don't want to fucking show up sometimes. 568 00:30:00,680 --> 00:30:02,760 I want to go, sorry, I said it again. 569 00:30:02,760 --> 00:30:05,360 Um, I want to go straight to bed afterward. 570 00:30:05,360 --> 00:30:09,240 I don't want to go to a meeting, but also I'm asked and other people showed 571 00:30:09,240 --> 00:30:10,840 up for me when I needed a meeting. 572 00:30:10,840 --> 00:30:16,560 And so sometimes I'm in these rooms just to be another body in the room. 573 00:30:16,560 --> 00:30:19,800 Cause someone might be struggling and not know that there are 574 00:30:19,800 --> 00:30:21,320 this many people in recovery. 575 00:30:21,320 --> 00:30:24,800 And thank you for allowing me to show up and share my story. 576 00:30:24,800 --> 00:30:25,960 Thank you for asking me. 577 00:30:25,960 --> 00:30:28,000 And thank you all for being here.