1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,280 (indistinct) 2 00:00:02,280 --> 00:00:03,320 - Hey everybody, my name is Steve. 3 00:00:03,320 --> 00:00:06,720 I'm an alcoholic and I'm grateful to be here. 4 00:00:06,720 --> 00:00:08,560 Thank you, Scott for the invite 5 00:00:08,560 --> 00:00:10,400 and thanks Robin for the cheery welcome 6 00:00:10,400 --> 00:00:11,800 and everybody else who said hello. 7 00:00:11,800 --> 00:00:14,220 Nice to see you, Greg and David F, how you doing buddy? 8 00:00:14,220 --> 00:00:16,040 I hope the folk guy holding the towel 9 00:00:16,040 --> 00:00:18,600 doesn't get a sneezing fit during the meeting. 10 00:00:18,600 --> 00:00:21,880 I am really grateful to be a sober member 11 00:00:21,880 --> 00:00:24,680 of Alcoholics Anonymous for several thousand days in a row. 12 00:00:24,680 --> 00:00:28,200 And I appreciate coming out, being invited anywhere 13 00:00:28,200 --> 00:00:31,800 because where I came from, 14 00:00:31,800 --> 00:00:34,040 there was a time where I wasn't really welcome anywhere, 15 00:00:34,040 --> 00:00:35,020 including my own home. 16 00:00:35,020 --> 00:00:37,760 So thank goodness for AA's love and tolerance 17 00:00:37,760 --> 00:00:39,100 for people like me. 18 00:00:39,100 --> 00:00:40,720 Do we have any drug addicts here tonight? 19 00:00:40,720 --> 00:00:42,600 Okay, let's check in. 20 00:00:42,600 --> 00:00:44,900 You know, I'm an alcoholic and a drug addict 21 00:00:44,900 --> 00:00:46,960 and I think there's a fundamental difference. 22 00:00:46,960 --> 00:00:49,200 I think most alcoholics share this feeling 23 00:00:49,200 --> 00:00:51,720 they grew up with where they feel they never fit in 24 00:00:51,720 --> 00:00:54,320 and all the drug addicts I know never wanted to fit in 25 00:00:54,320 --> 00:00:55,160 and I'm both. 26 00:00:55,160 --> 00:00:57,520 So, you know, I was never gonna be okay on my own. 27 00:00:57,520 --> 00:00:59,840 So I'll thank God for the 12 steps. 28 00:00:59,840 --> 00:01:01,880 We were talking outside before the meeting 29 00:01:01,880 --> 00:01:04,600 and I love that we have this exchange of ideas 30 00:01:04,600 --> 00:01:05,840 about what makes a group 31 00:01:05,840 --> 00:01:07,320 and what makes you stick to a group 32 00:01:07,320 --> 00:01:08,920 and what makes you start a new group. 33 00:01:08,920 --> 00:01:11,320 And, you know, that's how it has grown 34 00:01:11,320 --> 00:01:12,680 and I think it's an awesome, you know, 35 00:01:12,680 --> 00:01:15,520 we have nobody governing us so to speak. 36 00:01:15,520 --> 00:01:18,600 And I think it's great that we have this autonomous feature 37 00:01:18,600 --> 00:01:20,560 built into this thing where we can, you know, 38 00:01:20,560 --> 00:01:22,360 make it what we need it to be for us. 39 00:01:22,360 --> 00:01:25,000 And I think that it's sort of like holding onto a dove. 40 00:01:25,000 --> 00:01:27,160 You know, you wanna let the dove go, 41 00:01:27,160 --> 00:01:29,000 but you don't wanna kill it by squeezing the Dubai 42 00:01:29,000 --> 00:01:30,360 to keep it from flying away. 43 00:01:30,360 --> 00:01:33,520 And I think that's how we have to handle our AA membership. 44 00:01:33,520 --> 00:01:35,200 Like I've always believed 45 00:01:35,200 --> 00:01:37,480 that there needs to be a little bit of flexibility 46 00:01:37,480 --> 00:01:39,600 and there needs to be a little bit of rule 62 47 00:01:39,600 --> 00:01:40,720 in everything that we do, 48 00:01:40,720 --> 00:01:42,600 which is where you just don't take yourself 49 00:01:42,600 --> 00:01:43,640 too darn seriously. 50 00:01:43,640 --> 00:01:45,640 I'm real serious about not drinking today. 51 00:01:45,640 --> 00:01:48,600 And I firmly believe that AA is, 52 00:01:48,600 --> 00:01:50,280 the world's record is 24 hours. 53 00:01:50,280 --> 00:01:53,120 And I'm pretty close to tying the record again today. 54 00:01:53,120 --> 00:01:55,480 I've done that over 11,000 times in a row, 55 00:01:55,480 --> 00:01:56,760 but that's not even a record 56 00:01:56,760 --> 00:01:58,760 'cause there's people that have got way more 57 00:01:58,760 --> 00:02:00,120 continuous days than I do. 58 00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:02,480 And the longer that we stay sober, 59 00:02:02,480 --> 00:02:04,520 the more we realize how precious. 60 00:02:04,520 --> 00:02:06,480 It's actually better than 24 hours. 61 00:02:06,480 --> 00:02:10,000 It's like each minute, especially when you get to be 66, 62 00:02:10,000 --> 00:02:12,320 you start realizing each minute you have 63 00:02:12,320 --> 00:02:13,880 is pretty freaking valuable. 64 00:02:13,880 --> 00:02:16,880 So I wasn't 66 when I got here, I was 33. 65 00:02:16,880 --> 00:02:20,640 And my sobriety date is September 20th in 1989. 66 00:02:20,640 --> 00:02:22,680 So if you haven't started taking my inventory yet, 67 00:02:22,680 --> 00:02:24,280 you can start with that. 68 00:02:24,280 --> 00:02:25,600 You know, when I went to speaker meetings, 69 00:02:25,600 --> 00:02:28,520 when I was new, I knew within 30 seconds 70 00:02:28,520 --> 00:02:30,440 whether I was gonna hear anything I needed to hear. 71 00:02:30,440 --> 00:02:31,560 Or so I thought. 72 00:02:31,560 --> 00:02:32,640 'Cause I sized that. 73 00:02:32,640 --> 00:02:34,000 You know, I always thought I was a guy 74 00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:35,720 that really knew how to size up people. 75 00:02:35,720 --> 00:02:37,000 And I was clueless, you know. 76 00:02:37,000 --> 00:02:39,120 So I would pass judgment on the speaker right away. 77 00:02:39,120 --> 00:02:41,440 So if you're doing that, raise your hand. 78 00:02:41,440 --> 00:02:43,400 Come on, somebody get honest. 79 00:02:43,400 --> 00:02:45,080 I mean, I had such a preconceived notion 80 00:02:45,080 --> 00:02:46,360 of what everybody was about. 81 00:02:46,360 --> 00:02:48,160 You know, I thought I could size them up so fast, 82 00:02:48,160 --> 00:02:49,000 but I was wrong. 83 00:02:49,000 --> 00:02:50,240 And I'm glad I found that out here. 84 00:02:50,240 --> 00:02:52,800 I like Bruce was talking about how we get, 85 00:02:52,800 --> 00:02:55,320 you know, this level of honesty with ourself. 86 00:02:55,320 --> 00:02:56,200 You know, when I got here, 87 00:02:56,200 --> 00:02:58,960 things were really crazy upside down and sideways. 88 00:02:58,960 --> 00:03:02,400 And when you're trying to handle the garbage you brought in, 89 00:03:02,400 --> 00:03:04,760 you don't really have much time to look at yourself. 90 00:03:04,760 --> 00:03:05,920 You're trying to put the fires out. 91 00:03:05,920 --> 00:03:07,320 You're trying to get people off your ass. 92 00:03:07,320 --> 00:03:09,800 You're, you know, you're just trying to get it together 93 00:03:09,800 --> 00:03:11,440 just to be somewhat functioning. 94 00:03:11,440 --> 00:03:13,360 But when you stick around for a while, 95 00:03:13,360 --> 00:03:14,680 that's when it gets really interesting 96 00:03:14,680 --> 00:03:16,720 because I call it the deep dive. 97 00:03:16,720 --> 00:03:19,200 I think we all have to be prepared for the deep dive. 98 00:03:19,200 --> 00:03:22,440 And if you're new, that may seem really sound scary, 99 00:03:22,440 --> 00:03:24,800 but it's an awesome process. 100 00:03:24,800 --> 00:03:25,680 And you don't also, 101 00:03:25,680 --> 00:03:28,360 you don't have to do the deep dive all at once. 102 00:03:28,360 --> 00:03:30,440 I've been given the truth about myself 103 00:03:30,440 --> 00:03:32,240 in little tiny pieces, 104 00:03:32,240 --> 00:03:34,240 just enough that I could face it 105 00:03:34,240 --> 00:03:37,160 and admit it and own it and then do something about it. 106 00:03:37,160 --> 00:03:38,960 They used to say, you have to feel it to heal it. 107 00:03:38,960 --> 00:03:40,480 So if I don't know what's wrong with me, 108 00:03:40,480 --> 00:03:42,000 what chance do I have of fixing it? 109 00:03:42,000 --> 00:03:44,480 So thank God I've been around a lot of guys 110 00:03:44,480 --> 00:03:46,680 that weren't afraid to tell me the truth about me. 111 00:03:46,680 --> 00:03:49,360 And you know, you're not really an AA 112 00:03:49,360 --> 00:03:51,040 if you haven't pissed somebody off. 113 00:03:51,040 --> 00:03:52,560 You know, you're gonna say stuff 114 00:03:52,560 --> 00:03:54,000 that may hurt somebody's feelings. 115 00:03:54,000 --> 00:03:56,680 And I've learned how to say, you know, I love you, right? 116 00:03:56,680 --> 00:03:58,720 Okay, well, I'm telling you this 'cause I dig you. 117 00:03:58,720 --> 00:03:59,960 And you know, I want you to know 118 00:03:59,960 --> 00:04:02,560 that this is just annoying the shit out of a bunch of us. 119 00:04:02,560 --> 00:04:04,040 'Cause I had people do that to me 120 00:04:04,040 --> 00:04:07,080 and my buddy Nathan here, he came with me tonight. 121 00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:09,160 He's heard me share a hundred times. 122 00:04:09,160 --> 00:04:10,680 I've heard him share a hundred times, 123 00:04:10,680 --> 00:04:11,960 but he's so bored. 124 00:04:11,960 --> 00:04:13,160 His wife's in Russia right now. 125 00:04:13,160 --> 00:04:15,720 So it's like, yeah, I'll go hear you again. 126 00:04:15,720 --> 00:04:16,560 So thank you. 127 00:04:16,560 --> 00:04:18,800 But we're like 100% honest with each other. 128 00:04:18,800 --> 00:04:20,480 There's no BS between us. 129 00:04:20,480 --> 00:04:21,960 We call it, you know, 130 00:04:21,960 --> 00:04:23,800 if one of us feels the other's out of line, 131 00:04:23,800 --> 00:04:26,640 we could definitely say, hey buddy, wanna have a cigar? 132 00:04:26,640 --> 00:04:27,480 Anyway. 133 00:04:27,480 --> 00:04:31,160 So I come from a very long line of alcoholics, drug addicts, 134 00:04:31,160 --> 00:04:36,160 bipolar, anxiety, riddled, schizophrenic overachievers. 135 00:04:36,160 --> 00:04:38,240 And they all died from alcoholism. 136 00:04:38,240 --> 00:04:40,080 They all had gone to Alcoholics Anonymous. 137 00:04:40,080 --> 00:04:41,720 They'd all gone to Narcotics Anonymous. 138 00:04:41,720 --> 00:04:45,200 They all had very brief periods of sobriety, 139 00:04:45,200 --> 00:04:48,560 but in three generations, they all died from alcoholism 140 00:04:48,560 --> 00:04:50,160 and none of them raised their children. 141 00:04:50,160 --> 00:04:53,040 So if my family auditioned for the Jerry Springer show, 142 00:04:53,040 --> 00:04:54,800 they would not let us on the show. 143 00:04:54,800 --> 00:04:57,000 They would be like, no, you're too dysfunctional. 144 00:04:57,000 --> 00:04:58,200 We can't go that far. 145 00:04:58,200 --> 00:05:00,840 So I was raised by my maternal grandfather 146 00:05:00,840 --> 00:05:02,680 and his second wife, 147 00:05:02,680 --> 00:05:06,040 'cause my mother was very busy when I was nine months old. 148 00:05:06,040 --> 00:05:08,000 I wound up in foster care. 149 00:05:08,000 --> 00:05:09,240 I don't know how long, 150 00:05:09,240 --> 00:05:10,760 all the people that would have been able to tell me 151 00:05:10,760 --> 00:05:12,080 that information are dead. 152 00:05:12,080 --> 00:05:13,840 I don't know how long I wound up in foster care 153 00:05:13,840 --> 00:05:15,760 'cause my mother couldn't take care of me. 154 00:05:15,760 --> 00:05:17,560 And I don't know if she was in jail, 155 00:05:17,560 --> 00:05:19,000 in the hospital or just drunk, 156 00:05:19,000 --> 00:05:21,440 but I wound up in foster care for a time 157 00:05:21,440 --> 00:05:23,280 in Worcester, Massachusetts. 158 00:05:23,280 --> 00:05:27,600 And my step-grandmother actually flew from Detroit 159 00:05:27,600 --> 00:05:32,600 to Massachusetts in 1957 and got temporary custody of me. 160 00:05:32,600 --> 00:05:35,040 And then when I was five years old, 161 00:05:35,040 --> 00:05:36,680 we moved to Glendale, California. 162 00:05:36,680 --> 00:05:37,880 And I grew up in Glendale, 163 00:05:37,880 --> 00:05:40,120 went to Catholic school for grade school for eight years 164 00:05:40,120 --> 00:05:41,680 and then high school for four years. 165 00:05:41,680 --> 00:05:45,160 And I saw my mother when I was about eight years old 166 00:05:45,160 --> 00:05:46,480 for a week, she came out to visit. 167 00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:48,040 Saw her again when I was about 16. 168 00:05:48,040 --> 00:05:49,800 I was on tour as a musician. 169 00:05:49,800 --> 00:05:52,040 The first tour I did, I was 16 and I got to see her 170 00:05:52,040 --> 00:05:54,360 on that tour, spent a little bit of time with her. 171 00:05:54,360 --> 00:05:58,280 And then she actually got sober in Binghamton, New York 172 00:05:58,280 --> 00:06:00,600 and she put together about six years of sobriety. 173 00:06:00,600 --> 00:06:03,040 And she also had been diagnosed at that time. 174 00:06:03,040 --> 00:06:04,200 This is in the early eighties. 175 00:06:04,200 --> 00:06:06,400 This is when bipolar disorder was first, 176 00:06:06,400 --> 00:06:07,320 like they knew what it was. 177 00:06:07,320 --> 00:06:09,120 They knew how to diagnose it and they knew how to treat it. 178 00:06:09,120 --> 00:06:10,800 And she was on some medication for it. 179 00:06:10,800 --> 00:06:13,880 And the well-meaning folks in AA in Binghamton, New York 180 00:06:13,880 --> 00:06:15,680 told her that she couldn't claim to be sober 181 00:06:15,680 --> 00:06:17,200 if she was on those medications. 182 00:06:17,200 --> 00:06:18,880 So following her AA direction, 183 00:06:18,880 --> 00:06:20,560 she got herself off the meds 184 00:06:20,560 --> 00:06:21,840 and she wound up killing herself 185 00:06:21,840 --> 00:06:23,800 'cause she couldn't live sober without her meds. 186 00:06:23,800 --> 00:06:25,480 She couldn't live without her meds to stay sober. 187 00:06:25,480 --> 00:06:29,920 So, you know, we are very valuable to other members of AA, 188 00:06:29,920 --> 00:06:31,120 but we're not doctors. 189 00:06:31,120 --> 00:06:34,120 And because I think it's important for us 190 00:06:34,120 --> 00:06:36,200 to know our limitations, it's like Clint Eastwood, 191 00:06:36,200 --> 00:06:37,840 man's got to know his limitations. 192 00:06:37,840 --> 00:06:40,000 And the big book, you know, it's incredible 193 00:06:40,000 --> 00:06:41,960 that this ragtag group of guys got together 194 00:06:41,960 --> 00:06:42,800 and wrote this book. 195 00:06:42,800 --> 00:06:44,800 On page 133, they talk about it. 196 00:06:44,800 --> 00:06:46,520 You know, it's like they could see into the future. 197 00:06:46,520 --> 00:06:49,120 They said, you know, we have to make use of these outside 198 00:06:49,120 --> 00:06:49,960 resources. 199 00:06:49,960 --> 00:06:52,000 So if you have anybody that's struggling with that, 200 00:06:52,000 --> 00:06:55,320 please encourage them to get the medical help 201 00:06:55,320 --> 00:06:56,680 that they need to survive it. 202 00:06:56,680 --> 00:07:00,040 Because half the guys I've sponsored are bipolar 203 00:07:00,040 --> 00:07:02,400 and they're all on meds and they're having an awesome life. 204 00:07:02,400 --> 00:07:04,520 They're living sober, they're staying on their meds 205 00:07:04,520 --> 00:07:06,200 and sometimes there needs to be adjustments. 206 00:07:06,200 --> 00:07:08,720 So that's one of the things that we talk about, you know, 207 00:07:08,720 --> 00:07:11,080 every few weeks or months, I'll say, hey, how's your meds? 208 00:07:11,080 --> 00:07:11,920 How are you feeling? 209 00:07:11,920 --> 00:07:12,760 How's your anxiety? 210 00:07:12,760 --> 00:07:14,400 You know, it's one of the things that we have to 211 00:07:14,400 --> 00:07:15,600 pay attention to around here, 212 00:07:15,600 --> 00:07:17,640 but I will never tell them what they should or shouldn't do 213 00:07:17,640 --> 00:07:20,080 about it other than gets professional help with it. 214 00:07:20,080 --> 00:07:22,680 So anyway, so that's how I wound up in the care 215 00:07:22,680 --> 00:07:23,520 of my grandparents. 216 00:07:23,520 --> 00:07:24,920 My grandfather was an awesome guy. 217 00:07:24,920 --> 00:07:27,840 He was one of the original teamsters in Detroit 218 00:07:27,840 --> 00:07:31,800 and he became a crane operator and we moved to California. 219 00:07:31,800 --> 00:07:36,720 One of his former work mates had moved here already. 220 00:07:36,720 --> 00:07:39,640 And as God would make it happen, 221 00:07:39,640 --> 00:07:42,480 we moved across the street from one of the founding members 222 00:07:42,480 --> 00:07:44,000 of the Windsor Club in Glendale. 223 00:07:44,000 --> 00:07:46,480 And it didn't take very long for that couple to figure out 224 00:07:46,480 --> 00:07:48,920 what the hell was going on at our house. 225 00:07:48,920 --> 00:07:51,640 So Ole Olson was the guy and his wife, Margot, 226 00:07:51,640 --> 00:07:53,040 she was a black belt Al-Anon. 227 00:07:53,040 --> 00:07:55,160 They became, the four of them became friends, 228 00:07:55,160 --> 00:07:57,680 my grandparents, and then Ole also was a music fan. 229 00:07:57,680 --> 00:08:00,520 He was a jazz buff and he took a real interest in me 230 00:08:00,520 --> 00:08:01,440 'cause I was a musician. 231 00:08:01,440 --> 00:08:04,000 I was classically trained and I was just getting into jazz 232 00:08:04,000 --> 00:08:05,520 when I got a little bit older 233 00:08:05,520 --> 00:08:07,440 and he could start talking to me 234 00:08:07,440 --> 00:08:09,280 and he took me to jazz clubs. 235 00:08:09,280 --> 00:08:11,080 I remember he gave a $50 bill. 236 00:08:11,080 --> 00:08:12,560 I'd never seen a $50 bill. 237 00:08:12,560 --> 00:08:15,120 This was probably in 1965. 238 00:08:15,120 --> 00:08:17,720 Took me to a Concerts by the Sea down at the beach 239 00:08:17,720 --> 00:08:19,360 and got me into see Earl Hines 240 00:08:19,360 --> 00:08:21,520 who was a legendary jazz pianist. 241 00:08:21,520 --> 00:08:24,200 He paid the dormant 50 bucks to let me in. 242 00:08:24,200 --> 00:08:26,320 It was illegal for a kid to be in that place, 243 00:08:26,320 --> 00:08:27,640 but he paid the guy to let me in 244 00:08:27,640 --> 00:08:29,080 and it was a wonderful experience for me. 245 00:08:29,080 --> 00:08:32,440 So anyway, had all of these mentors that popped into my life 246 00:08:32,440 --> 00:08:33,800 even before I got to AA. 247 00:08:33,800 --> 00:08:36,920 So I'm a big believer in the mentoring system 248 00:08:36,920 --> 00:08:38,680 and I've had great sponsors. 249 00:08:38,680 --> 00:08:40,920 Nathan and I had a great sponsor named Brian James 250 00:08:40,920 --> 00:08:44,200 who was a big, tall guy, very charismatic 251 00:08:44,200 --> 00:08:45,880 and he played bad guys in movies. 252 00:08:45,880 --> 00:08:48,240 He played Leon in Blade Runner. 253 00:08:48,240 --> 00:08:50,880 He's a guy that uttered one of the great movie lines, 254 00:08:50,880 --> 00:08:52,680 "A good day to die." 255 00:08:52,680 --> 00:08:55,640 And he was an awesome guy and he was a great sponsor for us. 256 00:08:55,640 --> 00:08:57,240 So anyway, I believe in the mentoring system. 257 00:08:57,240 --> 00:09:00,120 I've had great sponsors in my 32 years 258 00:09:00,120 --> 00:09:02,120 and I've sponsored a ton of guys also. 259 00:09:02,120 --> 00:09:04,200 So if you need my qualifications, 260 00:09:04,200 --> 00:09:06,840 I can tell you that I'm still sober and I'm still sponsored 261 00:09:06,840 --> 00:09:08,200 and I'm still sponsoring. 262 00:09:08,200 --> 00:09:11,120 And I've gotten away from the activity 263 00:09:11,120 --> 00:09:12,920 that is prescribed for me. 264 00:09:12,920 --> 00:09:14,760 So anyway, one other week at 16, 265 00:09:14,760 --> 00:09:17,280 I was the youngest person on this tour. 266 00:09:17,280 --> 00:09:19,680 It was a great opportunity to go see 267 00:09:19,680 --> 00:09:21,520 if I wanted to play music for a living 268 00:09:21,520 --> 00:09:24,920 and I really dug life on the road. 269 00:09:24,920 --> 00:09:25,920 What's not to like? 270 00:09:25,920 --> 00:09:30,560 There were 15 beautiful women in the troupe and 15 guys 271 00:09:30,560 --> 00:09:32,120 and about 12 of the guys were gay. 272 00:09:32,120 --> 00:09:34,560 So these 15 beautiful women were like, 273 00:09:34,560 --> 00:09:35,680 that was it for the band. 274 00:09:35,680 --> 00:09:37,000 We had a band at the whole tour. 275 00:09:37,000 --> 00:09:38,520 Very little competition out there for us. 276 00:09:38,520 --> 00:09:40,920 So anyway, they were all drinking and drugging 277 00:09:40,920 --> 00:09:42,920 and I was very young and they all looked after me 278 00:09:42,920 --> 00:09:45,560 'cause I was 16, they were all 18 to 22. 279 00:09:45,560 --> 00:09:47,560 And they kept me from doing weird shit 280 00:09:47,560 --> 00:09:49,680 and they didn't force me to get loaded. 281 00:09:49,680 --> 00:09:51,400 You know, they asked me if I wanted to get off the joint, 282 00:09:51,400 --> 00:09:53,360 if I wanted to drink or they were also, 283 00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:55,920 there's a lot of smoke and a lot of psychedelics going on. 284 00:09:55,920 --> 00:09:58,680 And I was curious about the psychedelics for some reason. 285 00:09:58,680 --> 00:10:00,080 I was scared of the alcohol 286 00:10:00,080 --> 00:10:02,280 'cause I'd seen what it done to my mom and my grandfather 287 00:10:02,280 --> 00:10:05,120 but I was curious about acid but I decided not to try 288 00:10:05,120 --> 00:10:07,760 'cause everybody else gave me the same answer 289 00:10:07,760 --> 00:10:09,160 which was, well, if you do it, 290 00:10:09,160 --> 00:10:12,120 make sure you're in a very controlled environment 291 00:10:12,120 --> 00:10:13,840 with people who really dig you 292 00:10:13,840 --> 00:10:16,480 and that just scared the hell out of me. 293 00:10:16,480 --> 00:10:19,080 I mean, everybody gave that same answer. 294 00:10:19,080 --> 00:10:20,960 So I don't know if that's a reflection 295 00:10:20,960 --> 00:10:23,200 on how I was at that point in life 296 00:10:23,200 --> 00:10:24,960 or that was just really good advice. 297 00:10:24,960 --> 00:10:27,600 So anyway, didn't try it, stayed away from it 298 00:10:27,600 --> 00:10:29,680 and decided at the end of that tour 299 00:10:29,680 --> 00:10:32,520 that is what I wanted to do while I was on that tour. 300 00:10:32,520 --> 00:10:35,400 My father dragged himself to come home for a week for that tour 301 00:10:35,400 --> 00:10:37,440 in the middle of it and be here for his funeral. 302 00:10:37,440 --> 00:10:39,600 And then my grandma said, "We need to go finish your job." 303 00:10:39,600 --> 00:10:41,720 So I went back on the road and finished that tour 304 00:10:41,720 --> 00:10:44,960 and came back and set some goals for myself professionally 305 00:10:44,960 --> 00:10:46,120 that I wanted to accomplish. 306 00:10:46,120 --> 00:10:48,160 I really wanted to learn how to conduct 307 00:10:48,160 --> 00:10:50,040 and arrange music for orchestras 308 00:10:50,040 --> 00:10:52,960 and wanted to try to get a job working for somebody 309 00:10:52,960 --> 00:10:55,000 that at that time there was a lot of headliners 310 00:10:55,000 --> 00:10:57,080 in Las Vegas, people that needed conductors 311 00:10:57,080 --> 00:10:58,960 and I wanted to get in the job with Doc Simpson 312 00:10:58,960 --> 00:11:02,160 when I was 22, he was his conductor for about seven years. 313 00:11:02,160 --> 00:11:05,320 And that was an awesome gig because he was an incredible, 314 00:11:05,320 --> 00:11:08,000 he still is 93 and he's still playing his ass off. 315 00:11:08,000 --> 00:11:10,520 And that's the hardest instrument on the planet to play. 316 00:11:10,520 --> 00:11:11,880 But it was a great opportunity for me 317 00:11:11,880 --> 00:11:13,400 to work with legendary musicians 318 00:11:13,400 --> 00:11:15,840 and play great music and incredible arrangements 319 00:11:15,840 --> 00:11:19,160 and just the classiest of situations, it was a gift. 320 00:11:19,160 --> 00:11:22,040 Feeling really grateful every night. 321 00:11:22,040 --> 00:11:23,400 What about the tuxedo we have? 322 00:11:23,400 --> 00:11:25,720 It's really short, which my grandmother really loved. 323 00:11:25,720 --> 00:11:28,000 She loved when I had a job where I had to wear a tuxedo 324 00:11:28,000 --> 00:11:29,440 and worked, so she was thrilled. 325 00:11:29,440 --> 00:11:31,000 So I did that gig for many years 326 00:11:31,000 --> 00:11:33,040 and then I knew that I wanted to make records 327 00:11:33,040 --> 00:11:34,560 and write songs and produce records 328 00:11:34,560 --> 00:11:36,840 and wound up getting to do that with a bunch of people. 329 00:11:36,840 --> 00:11:40,680 And I drank and used like a normal person for years. 330 00:11:40,680 --> 00:11:42,640 Most alcoholics I know can tell you 331 00:11:42,640 --> 00:11:43,920 when they took their first drink, 332 00:11:43,920 --> 00:11:45,920 they can tell you the feeling it gave them. 333 00:11:45,920 --> 00:11:49,920 I don't have that memory, it was like a not event for me. 334 00:11:49,920 --> 00:11:52,680 I knew, I know that I didn't have a drink really 335 00:11:52,680 --> 00:11:55,160 until I was maybe 20 or 21, 336 00:11:55,160 --> 00:11:57,200 but it was like I said, it was a not event. 337 00:11:57,200 --> 00:12:00,360 And what happened to me is I wound up getting in a band 338 00:12:00,360 --> 00:12:02,880 where we had a song, a hit song called Smugglers Blues 339 00:12:02,880 --> 00:12:05,680 and that band drank and did cocaine every day. 340 00:12:05,680 --> 00:12:07,800 And that's really what swept me up 341 00:12:07,800 --> 00:12:10,320 into that insidious disease part. 342 00:12:10,320 --> 00:12:14,080 You know, that stuff took over my life without me knowing it. 343 00:12:14,080 --> 00:12:15,520 And that's what insidious means. 344 00:12:15,520 --> 00:12:17,880 It's overtaking you without you being aware of it. 345 00:12:17,880 --> 00:12:20,280 And I came back from that first tour with that band 346 00:12:20,280 --> 00:12:21,800 and I was like a different person. 347 00:12:21,800 --> 00:12:24,480 I was, it's like my DNA had been switched, 348 00:12:24,480 --> 00:12:26,080 had been rewired or something. 349 00:12:26,080 --> 00:12:30,000 And I became obsessed, there's a Japanese problem 350 00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:31,640 that says, you know, a man takes a drink, 351 00:12:31,640 --> 00:12:34,480 then the drink takes a drink and then the drink takes the man. 352 00:12:34,480 --> 00:12:35,320 That's what happened to me. 353 00:12:35,320 --> 00:12:36,840 It was a very fast progression for me. 354 00:12:36,840 --> 00:12:39,400 And after about three or four years of that, 355 00:12:39,400 --> 00:12:41,640 at the peak of my career at that point, 356 00:12:41,640 --> 00:12:42,960 everything was going great in my career 357 00:12:42,960 --> 00:12:44,120 and I was sabotaging it. 358 00:12:44,120 --> 00:12:47,480 And I was usually free to apologize for the success. 359 00:12:47,480 --> 00:12:49,400 And I picked up the phone one day 360 00:12:49,400 --> 00:12:51,080 and I knew that I had a problem with cocaine 361 00:12:51,080 --> 00:12:52,680 and I called cocaine anonymous. 362 00:12:52,680 --> 00:12:54,960 It was a Sunday morning, I got their answering machine, 363 00:12:54,960 --> 00:12:56,600 which did not make me very happy 364 00:12:56,600 --> 00:12:58,560 because I thought it was pretty important. 365 00:12:58,560 --> 00:12:59,720 So I left a message. 366 00:12:59,720 --> 00:13:02,240 And I'm grateful some guy named John called me back 367 00:13:02,240 --> 00:13:05,480 the next day on Monday and told me about a meeting 368 00:13:05,480 --> 00:13:08,360 or he told me about two patient treatment programs. 369 00:13:08,360 --> 00:13:09,720 And I thought, well, I'll call them up 370 00:13:09,720 --> 00:13:10,800 and to interview them. 371 00:13:10,800 --> 00:13:13,840 And then the last thing he said to me was, 372 00:13:13,840 --> 00:13:14,680 where do you live? 373 00:13:14,680 --> 00:13:15,520 And I said, well, then how is it? 374 00:13:15,520 --> 00:13:16,680 He said, well, there's a meeting right here 375 00:13:16,680 --> 00:13:18,120 in the neighborhood tomorrow night. 376 00:13:18,120 --> 00:13:19,280 You should go check it out. 377 00:13:19,280 --> 00:13:20,440 So he gave me the information 378 00:13:20,440 --> 00:13:22,600 and I called those two treatments first 379 00:13:22,600 --> 00:13:23,760 after I got on the phone with John. 380 00:13:23,760 --> 00:13:26,600 And I went actually and met with a guy at one of the places 381 00:13:26,600 --> 00:13:29,080 and he did seem to understand that, you know, 382 00:13:29,080 --> 00:13:30,840 I didn't need to sit in a group counseling 383 00:13:30,840 --> 00:13:32,560 and I didn't need to go to, 384 00:13:32,560 --> 00:13:34,240 I didn't need them to take me to meetings. 385 00:13:34,240 --> 00:13:36,720 And you know, I didn't need to fill out their questionnaire 386 00:13:36,720 --> 00:13:37,560 and all that. 387 00:13:37,560 --> 00:13:38,400 I thank you very much. 388 00:13:38,400 --> 00:13:39,600 And never went back there. 389 00:13:39,600 --> 00:13:41,280 I did go to the meeting the next night 390 00:13:41,280 --> 00:13:44,520 and it was a little Baptist church, 391 00:13:44,520 --> 00:13:46,200 right down the street from my house. 392 00:13:46,200 --> 00:13:47,840 And there was about 40 people in there. 393 00:13:47,840 --> 00:13:50,560 And I was a CA meeting and the girl leading the meeting, 394 00:13:50,560 --> 00:13:51,720 everybody was very excited 395 00:13:51,720 --> 00:13:53,400 'cause she took a six month shift that night, 396 00:13:53,400 --> 00:13:55,360 which seemed like a big deal to everybody there. 397 00:13:55,360 --> 00:13:56,840 I didn't think it was such a big deal. 398 00:13:56,840 --> 00:13:58,160 We were all very excited about it. 399 00:13:58,160 --> 00:14:00,760 And then there's a break and we all went out to smoke. 400 00:14:00,760 --> 00:14:01,840 'Cause everybody smoked. 401 00:14:01,840 --> 00:14:03,080 And I go out to the parking lot 402 00:14:03,080 --> 00:14:04,960 and I see this guy that I knew. 403 00:14:04,960 --> 00:14:07,280 And the reason I knew was I'd been smart and blow with him 404 00:14:07,280 --> 00:14:09,040 in a bathroom at one of my band gigs, 405 00:14:09,040 --> 00:14:10,400 like two weeks before that. 406 00:14:10,400 --> 00:14:12,840 So I walk out to my buddy Nathan, 407 00:14:12,840 --> 00:14:14,280 I'm like, dude, what are you doing here? 408 00:14:14,280 --> 00:14:15,880 And he goes, I got 10 days clean. 409 00:14:15,880 --> 00:14:17,480 And my first thought was, 410 00:14:17,480 --> 00:14:19,680 he must know everything about recovery. 411 00:14:19,680 --> 00:14:22,520 In 10 days, that seemed like an eternity to me. 412 00:14:22,520 --> 00:14:25,000 And he seemed totally cool with 10 days that, you know, 413 00:14:25,000 --> 00:14:26,920 it wasn't like, he didn't say it was tough. 414 00:14:26,920 --> 00:14:29,080 He just seemed all happy-go-lucky about it. 415 00:14:29,080 --> 00:14:30,600 You lying bastard. 416 00:14:30,600 --> 00:14:34,280 So as it turns out, he did know everything about recovery 417 00:14:34,280 --> 00:14:35,960 that I needed to know that. 418 00:14:35,960 --> 00:14:37,520 Because after the meeting, 419 00:14:37,520 --> 00:14:39,480 I was like a beeline to get to your car. 420 00:14:39,480 --> 00:14:41,640 And he's like, hey man, what are you doing tomorrow? 421 00:14:41,640 --> 00:14:42,480 I'm busy. 422 00:14:42,480 --> 00:14:43,320 I'm busy, I'm working. 423 00:14:43,320 --> 00:14:45,080 I go to session, you know, whatever time it was. 424 00:14:45,080 --> 00:14:47,040 He goes, well, maybe I'll pick you up tomorrow. 425 00:14:47,040 --> 00:14:48,560 There's a meeting at noon you should go to. 426 00:14:48,560 --> 00:14:51,080 So that's what I needed to know that night. 427 00:14:51,080 --> 00:14:52,360 There was a meeting the next day. 428 00:14:52,360 --> 00:14:55,040 'Cause I said, oh, I have meetings on Wednesday also. 429 00:14:55,040 --> 00:14:56,440 So I met him the next day at that meeting 430 00:14:56,440 --> 00:14:57,440 and I met his sponsor. 431 00:14:57,440 --> 00:15:00,080 His sponsor, Pine, had just taken a one-year gig. 432 00:15:00,080 --> 00:15:02,360 So for sure, Brian invited me. 433 00:15:02,360 --> 00:15:04,840 So that was a logical choice to be my sponsor too. 434 00:15:04,840 --> 00:15:08,040 So the three of us were very happy trio for one month. 435 00:15:08,040 --> 00:15:09,760 Nathan, this is next. 436 00:15:09,760 --> 00:15:12,120 And we did see him for like years. 437 00:15:12,120 --> 00:15:15,240 I will tell you that he met her at my band's gig 438 00:15:15,240 --> 00:15:16,600 at Josephine's and Sherbrooke's, 439 00:15:16,600 --> 00:15:17,960 which used to be the hotspot. 440 00:15:17,960 --> 00:15:20,320 And they had sex in the parking lot. 441 00:15:20,320 --> 00:15:22,160 So when he told our sponsor that, 442 00:15:22,160 --> 00:15:24,320 our sponsor said, do not call her back. 443 00:15:24,320 --> 00:15:25,720 So they got married. 444 00:15:25,720 --> 00:15:28,640 And we adopted her two kids and had two kids with her. 445 00:15:28,640 --> 00:15:30,760 So that lasted a while. 446 00:15:30,760 --> 00:15:33,240 So anyway, I'm really grateful he came back to my life 447 00:15:33,240 --> 00:15:35,960 about 20 years ago now 'cause he disappeared for a while. 448 00:15:35,960 --> 00:15:38,400 But he stayed sober through all of that craziness. 449 00:15:38,400 --> 00:15:39,360 And I did too. 450 00:15:39,360 --> 00:15:42,800 So anyway, I just jumped into AA at that point. 451 00:15:42,800 --> 00:15:46,200 And my career also, like I said, I was very active. 452 00:15:46,200 --> 00:15:48,280 I was doing the stuff I really loved doing. 453 00:15:48,280 --> 00:15:52,280 And I had also just done a project with Richard Simmons 454 00:15:52,280 --> 00:15:54,240 called Sweatin' to the Oldies. 455 00:15:54,240 --> 00:15:56,960 It was a big hit and Richard was very proud 456 00:15:56,960 --> 00:15:59,760 to tell people that he outsold Jane Fonda. 457 00:15:59,760 --> 00:16:02,080 That was not on my bucket list of things to do, 458 00:16:02,080 --> 00:16:05,200 but I was the musical, the director for it. 459 00:16:05,200 --> 00:16:07,320 So I took that from producing the music 460 00:16:07,320 --> 00:16:08,920 and it was a great project 461 00:16:08,920 --> 00:16:10,320 and I was really glad to be done with it. 462 00:16:10,320 --> 00:16:12,920 So that was not like the hip guy I wanted to work with. 463 00:16:12,920 --> 00:16:15,320 And I was doing some other projects that I thought were cool. 464 00:16:15,320 --> 00:16:16,480 So I was happy. 465 00:16:16,480 --> 00:16:19,320 And after I took a one-year cake back then, 466 00:16:19,320 --> 00:16:21,480 there used to be musicians meeting on Tuesday nights 467 00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:22,320 in the calling booth. 468 00:16:22,320 --> 00:16:24,800 And it was a bunch of people that I had either worked with 469 00:16:24,800 --> 00:16:25,840 or wanted to work with. 470 00:16:25,840 --> 00:16:28,200 And they too were all excited about recovery. 471 00:16:28,200 --> 00:16:30,840 And I just thought, man, I have one fine misting here. 472 00:16:30,840 --> 00:16:33,120 They're just so excited to be here every Tuesday night. 473 00:16:33,120 --> 00:16:35,000 And I'm like, time is this thing over with, you know? 474 00:16:35,000 --> 00:16:37,800 But they were so excited that enthusiasm was contagious. 475 00:16:37,800 --> 00:16:39,240 So, you know, whenever I managed to share, 476 00:16:39,240 --> 00:16:41,880 I always, you know, say this prayer to God, 477 00:16:41,880 --> 00:16:42,960 which I don't even know about, 478 00:16:42,960 --> 00:16:45,400 but I go, okay, God, please help me help somebody 479 00:16:45,400 --> 00:16:46,840 and help me sound really good. 480 00:16:46,840 --> 00:16:48,480 Now, not wanting to sound really good 481 00:16:48,480 --> 00:16:50,880 because I need you to say, wow, he sounded really good. 482 00:16:50,880 --> 00:16:53,320 I want you to know how genuinely enthusiastic 483 00:16:53,320 --> 00:16:55,960 I am about this stuff, you know, 32 years later. 484 00:16:55,960 --> 00:16:58,160 So all of this enthusiasm was in that room. 485 00:16:58,160 --> 00:17:01,840 Enthusiasm was there, but it wasn't organic for me, not yet. 486 00:17:01,840 --> 00:17:03,720 But I went, I was swept up in all the energy 487 00:17:03,720 --> 00:17:05,240 and I took a one-year cake there. 488 00:17:05,240 --> 00:17:07,240 And it was a speaker meeting. 489 00:17:07,240 --> 00:17:10,240 So after the speaker meeting or after the break, 490 00:17:10,240 --> 00:17:12,360 the speaker got in and I was sitting right in front 491 00:17:12,360 --> 00:17:13,480 'cause I had taken a cake. 492 00:17:13,480 --> 00:17:16,400 And this guy at the podium, a very tall guy, 493 00:17:16,400 --> 00:17:18,320 and he had a few commanding braces 494 00:17:18,320 --> 00:17:19,920 and he kind of looked at over everybody 495 00:17:19,920 --> 00:17:20,760 without saying anything. 496 00:17:20,760 --> 00:17:22,920 And then he leaned into the mic and he said, "Grow up." 497 00:17:22,920 --> 00:17:24,360 And I'm sitting down in front and I'm like, 498 00:17:24,360 --> 00:17:26,080 'cause I think he must be talking to me. 499 00:17:26,080 --> 00:17:27,680 And he said, "My name is Mike Ross 500 00:17:27,680 --> 00:17:29,640 and Alcoholics Anonymous taught me how to grow up. 501 00:17:29,640 --> 00:17:30,480 I'm an alcoholic." 502 00:17:30,480 --> 00:17:31,600 And it was a great pitch. 503 00:17:31,600 --> 00:17:33,960 I related, and, you know, Mike Ross is not a guy 504 00:17:33,960 --> 00:17:35,080 that I would have looked at and said, 505 00:17:35,080 --> 00:17:36,760 I'm gonna relate to this guy, but I did. 506 00:17:36,760 --> 00:17:38,800 It was a great pitch and it stayed with me. 507 00:17:38,800 --> 00:17:40,840 And three months later, I was on tour 508 00:17:40,840 --> 00:17:42,960 and had just produced a record that went top five, 509 00:17:42,960 --> 00:17:43,880 which was a big thrill. 510 00:17:43,880 --> 00:17:45,680 It's really fun to hear yourself on the radio, 511 00:17:45,680 --> 00:17:46,800 like 20 times a day. 512 00:17:46,800 --> 00:17:49,480 And we were on tour to support that record. 513 00:17:49,480 --> 00:17:52,400 And I went into a bathroom for a gig and restaurant 514 00:17:52,400 --> 00:17:53,880 and a guy in the sound crew walked in 515 00:17:53,880 --> 00:17:54,760 and said he didn't want to bump. 516 00:17:54,760 --> 00:17:55,600 And I said, "No, thanks." 517 00:17:55,600 --> 00:17:58,360 And he went into a stall and I heard him start up cocaine 518 00:17:58,360 --> 00:17:59,600 and I washed my hands. 519 00:17:59,600 --> 00:18:01,480 No thought of the guilt or remorse 520 00:18:01,480 --> 00:18:04,040 or any of that feeling that I felt that morning 521 00:18:04,040 --> 00:18:06,160 when I called Cocaine Anonymous and went to a meeting 522 00:18:06,160 --> 00:18:08,000 and hooked up with Nathan and got a sponsor 523 00:18:08,000 --> 00:18:10,360 and he's going, "None of that came to mind." 524 00:18:10,360 --> 00:18:12,280 'Cause I was very busy and very cool. 525 00:18:12,280 --> 00:18:15,200 I was that hip, slick, and cool guy. 526 00:18:15,200 --> 00:18:17,160 I mean, I thought I was hip, slick, and cool. 527 00:18:17,160 --> 00:18:18,760 I was not hip, slick, and cool at all, 528 00:18:18,760 --> 00:18:20,000 but I really thought I was. 529 00:18:20,000 --> 00:18:22,480 And I went into that stall and did that cocaine. 530 00:18:22,480 --> 00:18:23,960 The first thing I said was I needed a drink. 531 00:18:23,960 --> 00:18:25,360 And I had been trying to convince my sponsor 532 00:18:25,360 --> 00:18:27,160 for 15 months I wasn't an alcoholic. 533 00:18:27,160 --> 00:18:29,160 So that night I got drunker than I'd ever been. 534 00:18:29,160 --> 00:18:30,960 And that night I got back to my hotel room 535 00:18:30,960 --> 00:18:32,320 about five in the morning after buying, 536 00:18:32,320 --> 00:18:33,440 I think, an eight bottle of Blaux. 537 00:18:33,440 --> 00:18:36,920 And this insane night, like my disease, 538 00:18:36,920 --> 00:18:38,280 I didn't pick up where I left off. 539 00:18:38,280 --> 00:18:40,200 I picked up like 15 months later. 540 00:18:40,200 --> 00:18:43,200 The insane night, I stopped around seven the first time. 541 00:18:43,200 --> 00:18:44,760 Now it's like at 9.8. 542 00:18:44,760 --> 00:18:47,680 And I realized all this stuff that I had been hearing 543 00:18:47,680 --> 00:18:50,400 in meetings for 15 months that I didn't relate to, 544 00:18:50,400 --> 00:18:51,880 that I didn't think applied to me, 545 00:18:51,880 --> 00:18:53,400 it was all making sense to me. 546 00:18:53,400 --> 00:18:55,800 You know, I remember in that morning hearing people say, 547 00:18:55,800 --> 00:18:57,760 "Well, just listen for the similarities." 548 00:18:57,760 --> 00:18:59,360 I didn't even know what they were talking about. 549 00:18:59,360 --> 00:19:01,880 They did not register with me. 550 00:19:01,880 --> 00:19:03,560 But in that morning at being loaded 551 00:19:03,560 --> 00:19:06,040 and recalling all these shares that I'd heard 552 00:19:06,040 --> 00:19:08,160 and the people that I really respected 553 00:19:08,160 --> 00:19:10,480 and came to admire in AA and CA, 554 00:19:10,480 --> 00:19:12,160 like, "Oh, now I know what they're talking about." 555 00:19:12,160 --> 00:19:13,000 And I said, "Okay." 556 00:19:13,000 --> 00:19:14,520 And I said, "I gotta get back to the hotel room," 557 00:19:14,520 --> 00:19:16,960 called Ryan, 'cause I was going back to LA that morning 558 00:19:16,960 --> 00:19:17,800 on a plane. 559 00:19:17,800 --> 00:19:20,600 And I got into LAX and I literally thought 560 00:19:20,600 --> 00:19:24,200 the AA police was gonna be there to meet me at the jetway. 561 00:19:24,200 --> 00:19:26,520 I mean, that's how goofy and stupid I was. 562 00:19:26,520 --> 00:19:27,360 They were not waiting. 563 00:19:27,360 --> 00:19:28,440 My sponsor was not waiting. 564 00:19:28,440 --> 00:19:30,720 He did not somehow second for, you know, I'd got loaded. 565 00:19:30,720 --> 00:19:33,040 But my wife was waiting in a limousine in lingerie 566 00:19:33,040 --> 00:19:35,000 because she thought she was gonna be the one 567 00:19:35,000 --> 00:19:36,120 that took me a bit this morning. 568 00:19:36,120 --> 00:19:37,280 They just went top five. 569 00:19:37,280 --> 00:19:40,160 And she was very exciting for everybody. 570 00:19:40,160 --> 00:19:42,160 And we got in that limo and went home. 571 00:19:42,160 --> 00:19:44,680 And I didn't ride in limos every time 572 00:19:44,680 --> 00:19:46,080 I got home from the airport. 573 00:19:46,080 --> 00:19:47,720 You know, that was like a special occasion. 574 00:19:47,720 --> 00:19:49,320 And I thought, "Everything's fine." 575 00:19:49,320 --> 00:19:50,880 And I just got to get sober. 576 00:19:50,880 --> 00:19:53,120 And didn't remember to call Brian, 577 00:19:53,120 --> 00:19:54,920 did not call my buddy Nathan. 578 00:19:54,920 --> 00:19:58,160 I just was, I had let that monster out of the cage 579 00:19:58,160 --> 00:20:00,560 and he was not going back in until he was done. 580 00:20:00,560 --> 00:20:02,800 And for about six months I'd battled. 581 00:20:02,800 --> 00:20:04,720 I had that debate going on inside of me, 582 00:20:04,720 --> 00:20:06,880 that true moral of, "Am I where I might not?" 583 00:20:06,880 --> 00:20:08,080 Do I really need the private habit? 584 00:20:08,080 --> 00:20:08,920 Do I not need it? 585 00:20:08,920 --> 00:20:11,720 And all those hit projects were starting to kind of go away 586 00:20:11,720 --> 00:20:13,280 'cause my attitude got bad. 587 00:20:13,280 --> 00:20:16,040 And, you know, I was struggling every day. 588 00:20:16,040 --> 00:20:18,040 If I wasn't loaded, I was detoxing. 589 00:20:18,040 --> 00:20:19,120 And if I was getting loaded, 590 00:20:19,120 --> 00:20:20,840 it really wasn't working for me anymore, 591 00:20:20,840 --> 00:20:22,600 but it wasn't going to keep me from trying. 592 00:20:22,600 --> 00:20:23,560 I switched dealers. 593 00:20:23,560 --> 00:20:26,720 I switched types of booze I drank. 594 00:20:26,720 --> 00:20:28,720 I had a roadie that worked at the Kaiser pharmacy 595 00:20:28,720 --> 00:20:29,880 during the day. 596 00:20:29,880 --> 00:20:32,640 And he got me a giant bottle of Calcium, 597 00:20:32,640 --> 00:20:35,120 which is a hallucinogenic sleep aid. 598 00:20:35,120 --> 00:20:36,600 So I developed an addiction to that 599 00:20:36,600 --> 00:20:37,880 during that period of time. 600 00:20:37,880 --> 00:20:40,840 And then after six months of the debate, 601 00:20:40,840 --> 00:20:42,480 I just said, "F it." 602 00:20:42,480 --> 00:20:44,200 A short version of the serene prayer. 603 00:20:44,200 --> 00:20:46,680 And I went after it like the guy who was on a mission. 604 00:20:46,680 --> 00:20:49,160 And I was loaded right at the clock for 18 months. 605 00:20:49,160 --> 00:20:50,880 And actually at the beginning of that 18 months 606 00:20:50,880 --> 00:20:52,000 is when I hit bottom. 607 00:20:52,000 --> 00:20:52,840 And I'm so smart. 608 00:20:52,840 --> 00:20:55,000 I dragged along it for about 18 months. 609 00:20:55,000 --> 00:20:57,040 And all those cool projects went away. 610 00:20:57,040 --> 00:20:58,960 And I was, the only project I could do 611 00:20:58,960 --> 00:21:01,120 was sweat into the oldies too, 612 00:21:01,120 --> 00:21:02,480 which I was not thrilled about. 613 00:21:02,480 --> 00:21:04,240 Anyway, I was working on that 614 00:21:04,240 --> 00:21:05,960 and I was working at a studio in Burbank 615 00:21:05,960 --> 00:21:07,280 and I had started at noon 616 00:21:07,280 --> 00:21:09,520 and finished about six the following morning 617 00:21:09,520 --> 00:21:10,640 and then got in my car. 618 00:21:10,640 --> 00:21:12,880 So loaded and drunk, you know, 619 00:21:12,880 --> 00:21:14,720 and I had a half an ounce of blow with me. 620 00:21:14,720 --> 00:21:15,840 And I had a theory back then, 621 00:21:15,840 --> 00:21:17,360 the faster you drive, the less chance 622 00:21:17,360 --> 00:21:18,800 you have of getting pulled over. 623 00:21:18,800 --> 00:21:22,240 So I went roaring into my driveway miraculously, 624 00:21:22,240 --> 00:21:24,320 made it home safely without getting busted. 625 00:21:24,320 --> 00:21:25,360 Went back into my house. 626 00:21:25,360 --> 00:21:26,760 I had a studio in the back of the house. 627 00:21:26,760 --> 00:21:29,080 I was gonna go listen to whatever I'd done the day before. 628 00:21:29,080 --> 00:21:31,040 And I went and got a long night Budweiser 629 00:21:31,040 --> 00:21:32,520 out of my fridge in the studio. 630 00:21:32,520 --> 00:21:33,880 And I went to light a cigarette. 631 00:21:33,880 --> 00:21:37,440 I couldn't gain the strength to flick my Zippo lighter. 632 00:21:37,440 --> 00:21:41,040 And I just sat there and Scott Redman, 633 00:21:41,040 --> 00:21:43,160 the late, great Scott Redman used to say that 634 00:21:43,160 --> 00:21:44,520 he got sober when he realized 635 00:21:44,520 --> 00:21:46,600 he was hollow, alone and terrified. 636 00:21:46,600 --> 00:21:48,280 And that's how I felt. 637 00:21:48,280 --> 00:21:51,440 It was a lot of ideas and all those phrases 638 00:21:51,440 --> 00:21:52,920 that I'd been hearing, you know, 639 00:21:52,920 --> 00:21:54,440 were now like running in my head, 640 00:21:54,440 --> 00:21:56,040 like little internet banners. 641 00:21:56,040 --> 00:21:58,400 And I was trying to figure out how to kill myself. 642 00:21:58,400 --> 00:22:00,160 I had, during that crazy time, 643 00:22:00,160 --> 00:22:04,720 I had acquired three guns, a Smith and Wesson 357, 644 00:22:04,720 --> 00:22:07,040 a Colt 45 semi-automatic 645 00:22:07,040 --> 00:22:09,680 and a 12 gauge riot defender shotgun. 646 00:22:09,680 --> 00:22:12,160 Not really necessary tools for record producing, 647 00:22:12,160 --> 00:22:13,000 but I was trying to figure out 648 00:22:13,000 --> 00:22:14,520 which gun to kill myself with. 649 00:22:14,520 --> 00:22:17,080 And then I, thank God I had enough codependency in me 650 00:22:17,080 --> 00:22:19,120 that I didn't want to leave my wife that kind of mess 651 00:22:19,120 --> 00:22:21,440 because she had been a sweetheart through the whole thing. 652 00:22:21,440 --> 00:22:24,000 And she was just confused about what I was turning into 653 00:22:24,000 --> 00:22:25,920 and it was overwhelming for her. 654 00:22:25,920 --> 00:22:29,400 And in a moment I just said, "Okay, I need another option." 655 00:22:29,400 --> 00:22:31,720 And I heard Mike Rouse's voice say, "Grow up." 656 00:22:31,720 --> 00:22:34,280 And I realized at that moment that I had to grow up. 657 00:22:34,280 --> 00:22:36,000 I had been such a child. 658 00:22:36,000 --> 00:22:38,160 You know, I was given like all these adult toys 659 00:22:38,160 --> 00:22:41,040 and opportunities and responsibilities at 16. 660 00:22:41,040 --> 00:22:43,880 And I was just a kid, I was a baby, emotionally. 661 00:22:43,880 --> 00:22:45,640 And also this was the key for me. 662 00:22:45,640 --> 00:22:48,640 There was nobody to blame for the situation I was in. 663 00:22:48,640 --> 00:22:50,400 I had been looking to blame people. 664 00:22:50,400 --> 00:22:52,880 I had acquired some resentments during that two years ago 665 00:22:52,880 --> 00:22:55,680 and I had lots of resentments that I was chewing. 666 00:22:55,680 --> 00:22:58,000 And I realized, you know, none of this is anybody's fault. 667 00:22:58,000 --> 00:22:58,960 This is me. 668 00:22:58,960 --> 00:23:00,040 I'm the one that did the blow. 669 00:23:00,040 --> 00:23:01,240 I'm the one that did the drinking. 670 00:23:01,240 --> 00:23:02,600 I'm the one that committed to, you know, 671 00:23:02,600 --> 00:23:04,960 being a power maniac around the clock. 672 00:23:04,960 --> 00:23:06,480 That's the reputation I wanted. 673 00:23:06,480 --> 00:23:08,560 I had all this bullshit bravado built into me 674 00:23:08,560 --> 00:23:10,520 that was so ill and so self-centered 675 00:23:10,520 --> 00:23:12,280 and so self-destructive. 676 00:23:12,280 --> 00:23:14,160 And in that moment I was done with. 677 00:23:14,160 --> 00:23:16,880 And all that shit just fell off of me. 678 00:23:16,880 --> 00:23:19,160 And that same feeling happened a few years later 679 00:23:19,160 --> 00:23:20,160 when I quit cigarettes. 680 00:23:20,160 --> 00:23:21,680 It just fell away from me. 681 00:23:21,680 --> 00:23:23,160 And I suddenly felt light. 682 00:23:23,160 --> 00:23:25,000 And I felt like, "This is going to be okay. 683 00:23:25,000 --> 00:23:26,200 This is going to work for me." 684 00:23:26,200 --> 00:23:28,720 And then I heard a voice say, "Oh yeah, by the way, 685 00:23:28,720 --> 00:23:30,920 get your ass back to AA and do it right this time." 686 00:23:30,920 --> 00:23:33,280 And I don't know, I still don't know whose voice that was. 687 00:23:33,280 --> 00:23:34,640 It was pretty real. 688 00:23:34,640 --> 00:23:36,520 So that was pretty much my plan. 689 00:23:36,520 --> 00:23:38,160 Oh, by the way, I dumped a half ounce of blow. 690 00:23:38,160 --> 00:23:39,000 I had left over. 691 00:23:39,000 --> 00:23:41,560 I dumped out the beer that I opened up and not drank. 692 00:23:41,560 --> 00:23:43,040 I didn't throw the cigarettes away. 693 00:23:43,040 --> 00:23:45,120 But I threw away my executive dairy kit. 694 00:23:45,120 --> 00:23:48,160 And as I was kind of cleaning up after myself, my wife, 695 00:23:48,160 --> 00:23:49,280 I hear the phone ring in the house. 696 00:23:49,280 --> 00:23:50,920 It's like seven o'clock in the morning. 697 00:23:50,920 --> 00:23:52,240 My phone didn't ring at 7 a.m. 698 00:23:52,240 --> 00:23:54,960 And I hear her talk and I can't quite hear what she's saying 699 00:23:54,960 --> 00:23:57,080 'cause there were two pocket doors between my studio 700 00:23:57,080 --> 00:23:57,920 and the rest of the house. 701 00:23:57,920 --> 00:23:59,380 Anyway, she made her way into the studio and said, 702 00:23:59,380 --> 00:24:01,040 "I just want you to know I'm all done drinking 703 00:24:01,040 --> 00:24:01,880 and using it." 704 00:24:01,880 --> 00:24:02,840 She just kind of looked at me. 705 00:24:02,840 --> 00:24:05,560 'Cause I had, you know, said that more than once. 706 00:24:05,560 --> 00:24:07,320 I said, "No, really, I'm gonna call Brian. 707 00:24:07,320 --> 00:24:08,680 I'm going back to meetings. I'm done. 708 00:24:08,680 --> 00:24:10,640 I can't, you know, I know what I need to do." 709 00:24:10,640 --> 00:24:11,480 She said, "Well, that's great. 710 00:24:11,480 --> 00:24:13,320 You're gonna have plenty of time to go to meetings this week." 711 00:24:13,320 --> 00:24:14,160 I said, "Why?" 712 00:24:14,160 --> 00:24:15,640 She goes, "Well, that was Richard Simmons on the phone. 713 00:24:15,640 --> 00:24:16,480 You're fired." 714 00:24:16,480 --> 00:24:18,240 I said, "Richard Simmons fired me? 715 00:24:18,240 --> 00:24:19,960 Oh, it gets worse than I thought." 716 00:24:19,960 --> 00:24:25,000 So I did get fired. 717 00:24:25,000 --> 00:24:26,040 Very humiliating. 718 00:24:26,040 --> 00:24:27,760 And I got sober. 719 00:24:27,760 --> 00:24:29,640 And I went into treatment to show my wife 720 00:24:29,640 --> 00:24:31,000 that I was sincere this time. 721 00:24:31,000 --> 00:24:32,600 I had no doubt I was sincere. 722 00:24:32,600 --> 00:24:33,920 I just did the treatment thing. 723 00:24:33,920 --> 00:24:34,960 I'm glad I went to treatment. 724 00:24:34,960 --> 00:24:35,800 I learned a lot there. 725 00:24:35,800 --> 00:24:36,960 And I started going to meetings. 726 00:24:36,960 --> 00:24:39,760 I called our sponsor, Brian, and he was still sober. 727 00:24:39,760 --> 00:24:42,480 And he welcomed me back and said, "Yeah." 728 00:24:42,480 --> 00:24:45,320 He said he was going to Africa to make a movie. 729 00:24:45,320 --> 00:24:47,480 He said, "I'll be back in time to give you a 30-day chip. 730 00:24:47,480 --> 00:24:49,480 If you get a 30-day chip, I'll be your sponsor." 731 00:24:49,480 --> 00:24:51,960 So I got a 30-day chip, and he was my sponsor again. 732 00:24:51,960 --> 00:24:55,440 And I was that sickeningly enthusiastic new guy. 733 00:24:55,440 --> 00:24:58,040 I'm the guy that people are going, "Slow down, partner. 734 00:24:58,040 --> 00:24:59,880 Just take it easy. Easy does it." 735 00:24:59,880 --> 00:25:00,960 You know what I mean? 736 00:25:00,960 --> 00:25:05,120 My goal was, since I'm such a maniacal overachiever, 737 00:25:05,120 --> 00:25:07,880 I'm going to go to, oh, 90 meetings in 90 days? 738 00:25:07,880 --> 00:25:10,680 No, I'm going to 180 meetings in 90 days. 739 00:25:10,680 --> 00:25:12,920 So I went to a meeting every day at 7 a.m. 740 00:25:12,920 --> 00:25:14,840 I went to a noon meeting that had just started, 741 00:25:14,840 --> 00:25:16,520 a stag meeting in Encino, 742 00:25:16,520 --> 00:25:17,720 and I went to a meeting every night. 743 00:25:17,720 --> 00:25:20,680 So I was going to get supercharged with alcoholics. 744 00:25:20,680 --> 00:25:23,920 I also knew, Greg and I were talking about this outside. 745 00:25:23,920 --> 00:25:26,920 I found my seat in AA because AA was nice and calm. 746 00:25:26,920 --> 00:25:29,800 I related as a drug addict to NA and CA, 747 00:25:29,800 --> 00:25:32,280 but those meetings were too wild and crazy for me. 748 00:25:32,280 --> 00:25:34,600 And there was a lot of young, beautiful women in there. 749 00:25:34,600 --> 00:25:36,320 I was trying to keep my marriage together. 750 00:25:36,320 --> 00:25:38,840 The girls had better cars than I had in CA. 751 00:25:38,840 --> 00:25:42,040 So I knew that was, like, not the place for me. 752 00:25:42,040 --> 00:25:44,560 So I stayed in AA, and it was nice and orderly and quiet, 753 00:25:44,560 --> 00:25:46,320 and I needed orderly and quiet. 754 00:25:46,320 --> 00:25:49,160 And I started doing stuff like wiping down the tables. 755 00:25:49,160 --> 00:25:51,160 Nobody had elected me to be a secretary, 756 00:25:51,160 --> 00:25:52,920 even when I had, like, 60 days. 757 00:25:52,920 --> 00:25:55,920 Like, people don't understand I manage my material. 758 00:25:55,920 --> 00:25:58,680 So I started wiping down those tables at the Valley Club, 759 00:25:58,680 --> 00:26:00,200 and I did that for 11 years. 760 00:26:00,200 --> 00:26:02,200 Never elected me secretary. 761 00:26:02,200 --> 00:26:03,560 That's okay. I had a commitment. 762 00:26:03,560 --> 00:26:04,920 So I didn't need to be secretary. 763 00:26:04,920 --> 00:26:08,160 So I just dove in, and I did all the H&I stuff early on. 764 00:26:08,160 --> 00:26:10,400 As soon as I could, I did CA panels really early. 765 00:26:10,400 --> 00:26:13,320 Only needed, I think, 90 days to do a CA panel. 766 00:26:13,320 --> 00:26:16,280 And Dick Forrest, a great trumpet player and musician, 767 00:26:16,280 --> 00:26:18,880 took me to my first AA panel when I had a year. 768 00:26:18,880 --> 00:26:23,680 And he was a funny guy, a quirky guy, died sober. 769 00:26:23,680 --> 00:26:25,600 I just did all the stuff that, you know, 770 00:26:25,600 --> 00:26:26,480 people talk about here. 771 00:26:26,480 --> 00:26:28,200 I was not going to miss any part of it. 772 00:26:28,200 --> 00:26:32,000 And I did not get a music job for several years. 773 00:26:32,000 --> 00:26:34,040 I was like, part of it was, 774 00:26:34,040 --> 00:26:35,120 near the end of my drinking, 775 00:26:35,120 --> 00:26:37,280 the news that people didn't want to be around me, 776 00:26:37,280 --> 00:26:38,480 they thought I was going to die on. 777 00:26:38,480 --> 00:26:40,160 You know, in that case. 778 00:26:40,160 --> 00:26:41,280 But once they realized, 779 00:26:41,280 --> 00:26:44,640 "Oh, this guy's cool. You know, he's okay." 780 00:26:44,640 --> 00:26:47,000 They were at least talking to me. 781 00:26:47,000 --> 00:26:48,680 They weren't hiring me, but they were talking to me. 782 00:26:48,680 --> 00:26:51,400 So, you know, I just focused on AA. 783 00:26:51,400 --> 00:26:53,880 I was not going to let my career get away in my recovery. 784 00:26:53,880 --> 00:26:55,400 I knew the first time around here, 785 00:26:55,400 --> 00:26:56,920 I was way too interested in being hip, 786 00:26:56,920 --> 00:26:58,280 it's like full of sobriety, 787 00:26:58,280 --> 00:26:59,760 it's like secondary to everything else. 788 00:26:59,760 --> 00:27:02,240 Plus, I discovered in the first couple of years 789 00:27:02,240 --> 00:27:03,360 of my sobriety that, you know, 790 00:27:03,360 --> 00:27:05,800 I'm not defined by the fact that I'm a piano player. 791 00:27:05,800 --> 00:27:07,920 That's not who I am, that's what I do. 792 00:27:07,920 --> 00:27:08,840 It's not who I am. 793 00:27:08,840 --> 00:27:10,680 And I wanted to find out what else there was in me 794 00:27:10,680 --> 00:27:11,920 that was worthwhile. 795 00:27:11,920 --> 00:27:14,840 I never knew that there wasn't anything else worthwhile. 796 00:27:14,840 --> 00:27:18,680 So anyway, AA trip has been really interesting, 797 00:27:18,680 --> 00:27:21,920 and especially the last two years with this pandemic. 798 00:27:21,920 --> 00:27:25,200 Nathan and I started a morning meeting, a Zoom meeting, 799 00:27:25,200 --> 00:27:26,920 you know, when they shut down all the churches. 800 00:27:26,920 --> 00:27:28,680 And I asked him, actually, I said, 801 00:27:28,680 --> 00:27:30,560 "Hey, I'm thinking about starting a meeting." 802 00:27:30,560 --> 00:27:31,920 And he's not a morning person. 803 00:27:31,920 --> 00:27:33,760 And I said, "I wanna do it in the morning when you come." 804 00:27:33,760 --> 00:27:35,960 And he's like, "What time?" 805 00:27:35,960 --> 00:27:37,600 I said, "Well, how's seven o'clock?" 806 00:27:37,600 --> 00:27:39,840 He said, "No fucking way, I'm not coming to a seven o'clock meeting." 807 00:27:39,840 --> 00:27:40,760 I said, "Eight o'clock?" 808 00:27:40,760 --> 00:27:41,600 He goes, "That's too early." 809 00:27:41,600 --> 00:27:43,880 I said, "Well, I know you get up at nine to go to work." 810 00:27:43,880 --> 00:27:45,080 He goes, "Okay, nine o'clock's fine." 811 00:27:45,080 --> 00:27:46,720 So I start this nine o'clock meeting, 812 00:27:46,720 --> 00:27:49,200 and I can tell you that in the last two years, 813 00:27:49,200 --> 00:27:53,040 I've crammed more learning into my life 814 00:27:53,040 --> 00:27:54,960 because it's seven days a week, 815 00:27:54,960 --> 00:27:56,800 it's like 60 guys a day now. 816 00:27:56,800 --> 00:27:59,200 We have guys from all over the world that go to that meeting. 817 00:27:59,200 --> 00:28:01,160 I've learned so much more about me and about them 818 00:28:01,160 --> 00:28:03,040 than I ever learned in my first 30 years. 819 00:28:03,040 --> 00:28:05,280 It's like, talk about a cram course in recovery. 820 00:28:05,280 --> 00:28:07,080 I mean, we're forced to do that together. 821 00:28:07,080 --> 00:28:09,560 And the other thing I discovered is Nathan's an atheist, 822 00:28:09,560 --> 00:28:10,920 and he started a secular meeting. 823 00:28:10,920 --> 00:28:12,920 I didn't even know there was this whole secular movement 824 00:28:12,920 --> 00:28:15,800 going on with people that do the Stamps for Life God component. 825 00:28:15,800 --> 00:28:16,960 I thought, "That'd make it," he says, 826 00:28:16,960 --> 00:28:19,400 "but I'm gonna go support the meeting to support my body." 827 00:28:19,400 --> 00:28:21,680 So I show up at the meeting, and I can tell you now that, 828 00:28:21,680 --> 00:28:23,680 you know, I don't think I have 829 00:28:23,680 --> 00:28:26,000 any kind of traditional God that's in my life, 830 00:28:26,000 --> 00:28:27,520 but I do have higher purpose. 831 00:28:27,520 --> 00:28:28,360 I have an HP. 832 00:28:28,360 --> 00:28:30,120 And how did I figure out the higher purpose? 833 00:28:30,120 --> 00:28:32,000 Well, obviously the 12 Stamps. 834 00:28:32,000 --> 00:28:33,800 You know, the principles that are in the Stamps 835 00:28:33,800 --> 00:28:36,440 are really obvious once you spend time 836 00:28:36,440 --> 00:28:38,240 taking the Stamps with your sponsor 837 00:28:38,240 --> 00:28:40,440 and all of the guys that have taken through the Stamps. 838 00:28:40,440 --> 00:28:42,080 I understand what those principles are. 839 00:28:42,080 --> 00:28:43,000 That's what I live by. 840 00:28:43,000 --> 00:28:44,520 Stay sober no matter what. 841 00:28:44,520 --> 00:28:46,560 Remain monogamous to my wife no matter what. 842 00:28:46,560 --> 00:28:48,200 Take care of my daughters no matter what. 843 00:28:48,200 --> 00:28:49,920 Be a service to me and my community. 844 00:28:49,920 --> 00:28:50,760 That's the whole deal. 845 00:28:50,760 --> 00:28:53,360 So I discovered that the only rule around here is that 846 00:28:53,360 --> 00:28:55,120 if you want what we have, you do what we do. 847 00:28:55,120 --> 00:28:57,400 And we're not keeping that shit a secret, 848 00:28:57,400 --> 00:28:58,880 especially in a group like this. 849 00:28:58,880 --> 00:29:00,840 You know, you show up, you get a commitment. 850 00:29:00,840 --> 00:29:02,800 I need to see you every week in that seat. 851 00:29:02,800 --> 00:29:04,640 I need to see you every week in that seat. 852 00:29:04,640 --> 00:29:05,680 That's what I learned around here. 853 00:29:05,680 --> 00:29:07,200 That's why I go to those meetings 854 00:29:07,200 --> 00:29:09,040 and the guys that go to our Zoom meeting, 855 00:29:09,040 --> 00:29:11,680 there's 25 guys over 30 years sober. 856 00:29:11,680 --> 00:29:13,880 They're there more consistently than anybody. 857 00:29:13,880 --> 00:29:16,000 He's got 35, still 35. 858 00:29:16,000 --> 00:29:16,840 - He's built. 859 00:29:16,840 --> 00:29:17,920 - Damn it, he's got enough time to do it. 860 00:29:17,920 --> 00:29:20,160 So anyway, life's awesome in recovery. 861 00:29:20,160 --> 00:29:21,800 And if you don't feel that yet, 862 00:29:21,800 --> 00:29:23,680 please stick around until you feel that. 863 00:29:23,680 --> 00:29:24,520 Thank you. 864 00:29:24,520 --> 00:29:26,920 (indistinct) 865 00:29:51,800 --> 00:30:01,800 [BLANK_AUDIO]