1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,320 - Hi, I'm Jessica. I'm an alcoholic. 2 00:00:02,320 --> 00:00:05,360 I'd like to thank Scott for asking me to speak. 3 00:00:05,360 --> 00:00:08,160 It's an honor and privilege to take part in my sobriety. 4 00:00:08,160 --> 00:00:11,200 And I'd like to welcome you to come and just, you know, 5 00:00:11,200 --> 00:00:13,760 thank you for showing up for yourself and for me. 6 00:00:13,760 --> 00:00:18,040 It's not for me, but it's why I keep coming back. 7 00:00:18,040 --> 00:00:21,640 It reminds me that I need to keep doing this for myself. 8 00:00:21,640 --> 00:00:22,880 It's important. 9 00:00:22,880 --> 00:00:25,640 So, what it was like. 10 00:00:27,220 --> 00:00:30,000 My sobriety birthday was February 16th. 11 00:00:30,000 --> 00:00:33,120 So I just celebrated 15 years, 2007. 12 00:00:33,120 --> 00:00:38,120 I grew up in Van Nuys in a Jewish family to hippie parents. 13 00:00:38,120 --> 00:00:43,800 And my dad wasn't around a lot. 14 00:00:43,800 --> 00:00:48,680 He was, he worked a lot to support our family. 15 00:00:48,680 --> 00:00:53,160 And my mom was off, off doing her curfing. 16 00:00:53,160 --> 00:00:58,160 And my memories of my childhood was my brother 17 00:00:58,160 --> 00:01:00,340 going to baseball games. 18 00:01:00,340 --> 00:01:02,000 He's four years older than me, 19 00:01:02,000 --> 00:01:04,720 but my brother going to baseball games 20 00:01:04,720 --> 00:01:09,720 and me being trotted around and my dad showing up late 21 00:01:09,720 --> 00:01:14,860 after work, the games and us going home 22 00:01:14,860 --> 00:01:16,920 and my parents fighting. 23 00:01:16,920 --> 00:01:20,560 And then late at night, me running out. 24 00:01:20,560 --> 00:01:23,160 'Cause I always had nightmares because my parents fought 25 00:01:23,160 --> 00:01:27,840 and there being a bomb and drugs in the living room. 26 00:01:27,840 --> 00:01:29,720 I just, I always remember that. 27 00:01:29,720 --> 00:01:31,840 That's just how I grew up. 28 00:01:31,840 --> 00:01:33,840 The drugs in the living room 29 00:01:33,840 --> 00:01:37,280 and in this little tiny house we had in Van Nuys. 30 00:01:37,280 --> 00:01:41,840 And just being terrified, terrified all the time 31 00:01:41,840 --> 00:01:46,840 and not understanding what everything was around me 32 00:01:47,200 --> 00:01:51,400 and the nightmares and the throwing 33 00:01:51,400 --> 00:01:55,680 and the throwing of everything and the fear and alcohol. 34 00:01:55,680 --> 00:01:58,680 Now I know what it is, obviously that I'm older, 35 00:01:58,680 --> 00:02:01,560 but it was crazy back then. 36 00:02:01,560 --> 00:02:06,560 I remember one time my dad threw this pot at my mom 37 00:02:06,560 --> 00:02:12,020 and I got, we had one of those heaters 38 00:02:12,020 --> 00:02:15,240 and it was in the wall and I just got out of the bath 39 00:02:15,240 --> 00:02:16,600 and I was probably six years old. 40 00:02:16,600 --> 00:02:19,200 And I backed up against it and I had grill marks 41 00:02:19,200 --> 00:02:23,400 in my bottom or I remember I had to go to the hospital 42 00:02:23,400 --> 00:02:24,240 for that. 43 00:02:24,240 --> 00:02:25,800 And that's kind of how my childhood was. 44 00:02:25,800 --> 00:02:29,640 I was terrified and it was all because of alcoholism. 45 00:02:29,640 --> 00:02:32,120 And it was all because of my mom and dad fighting 46 00:02:32,120 --> 00:02:35,540 because my dad was yelling at my mom 47 00:02:35,540 --> 00:02:38,440 because she would be out with her boyfriends 48 00:02:38,440 --> 00:02:40,520 and hiding things. 49 00:02:40,520 --> 00:02:44,680 And my dad would be off probably drinking or doing drugs, 50 00:02:44,680 --> 00:02:49,680 but he was also working, but he was doing drugs and drinking 51 00:02:49,680 --> 00:02:53,960 and doing all sorts of things. 52 00:02:53,960 --> 00:02:56,400 And my dad did get in trouble. 53 00:02:56,400 --> 00:03:00,120 Now I know that I'm older, my dad did get in trouble 54 00:03:00,120 --> 00:03:02,400 and I know that he, and I understand it now, 55 00:03:02,400 --> 00:03:06,040 my parents did get supposedly separated for a while 56 00:03:06,040 --> 00:03:08,560 and then on the weekends he was going back then, 57 00:03:08,560 --> 00:03:09,440 I don't know if he'd do it now, 58 00:03:09,440 --> 00:03:12,520 but he was going to jail on the weekends. 59 00:03:12,520 --> 00:03:16,160 I guess you could go on the weekends and go to jail 60 00:03:16,160 --> 00:03:18,640 and do your time on the weekends or something 61 00:03:18,640 --> 00:03:20,880 or supposedly that's what he was doing. 62 00:03:20,880 --> 00:03:24,120 And my mom had a boyfriend and she would say, 63 00:03:24,120 --> 00:03:25,280 don't tell daddy. 64 00:03:25,280 --> 00:03:27,760 So that's how I grew up with all these secrets, 65 00:03:27,760 --> 00:03:30,560 but don't tell daddy what I'm doing. 66 00:03:30,560 --> 00:03:33,360 And so I would see her make out with her boyfriend 67 00:03:33,360 --> 00:03:36,600 and kiss him and would sleep over and lay in bed with him. 68 00:03:36,600 --> 00:03:41,160 And my brother that I idolized, he would say, 69 00:03:41,160 --> 00:03:44,640 I remember one time he walked in and she went to the guy 70 00:03:44,640 --> 00:03:46,600 who was like, why are you making up for my mommy? 71 00:03:46,600 --> 00:03:50,040 And it's just, we grew up with all these horrible secrets. 72 00:03:50,040 --> 00:03:54,680 And we basically lived at like the neighbors 73 00:03:54,680 --> 00:03:57,280 or grandparents or aunt and uncles. 74 00:03:57,280 --> 00:04:00,800 It was just, you know, it was pretty scary. 75 00:04:00,800 --> 00:04:04,160 It was pretty scary for young kids, the secrets, 76 00:04:04,160 --> 00:04:08,080 the lying that she was doing, seeing the alcohol 77 00:04:08,080 --> 00:04:12,600 and me knowing that the bad things on the tables 78 00:04:12,600 --> 00:04:14,240 were not supposed to be there, 79 00:04:14,240 --> 00:04:17,960 but knowing kind of what they were at a very young age. 80 00:04:17,960 --> 00:04:22,960 My grandparents moved us from Van Nuys to West Hills 81 00:04:22,960 --> 00:04:26,160 when I was about eight years old, 82 00:04:26,160 --> 00:04:29,400 thinking that that would be so much better for us 83 00:04:29,400 --> 00:04:31,400 and like help my dad get sober. 84 00:04:31,400 --> 00:04:34,120 And that would be like the end all, 85 00:04:34,120 --> 00:04:38,080 like help Michael and my dad get sober and help the family 86 00:04:38,080 --> 00:04:42,640 like reunite and the kids and everybody like put them 87 00:04:42,640 --> 00:04:44,680 in a better school district and, you know, 88 00:04:44,680 --> 00:04:46,960 maybe things would get better. 89 00:04:46,960 --> 00:04:50,360 So we moved over to West Hills and my dad did, 90 00:04:50,360 --> 00:04:54,480 he got sober and he just started showing up more. 91 00:04:54,480 --> 00:04:58,000 He opened up a business and he, my brother, 92 00:04:58,000 --> 00:05:00,240 they found out he had dyslexia and they had to put him 93 00:05:00,240 --> 00:05:02,520 into a special ed school. 94 00:05:02,520 --> 00:05:05,840 So my brother started to get all this attention 95 00:05:05,840 --> 00:05:10,480 and I, little Jessica, well, since Greg had dyslexia, 96 00:05:10,480 --> 00:05:13,360 they tested her for everything under the sun. 97 00:05:13,360 --> 00:05:16,600 Well, Jessica seemed hyperactive 98 00:05:16,600 --> 00:05:20,000 because a couple of days before in the class, 99 00:05:20,000 --> 00:05:21,120 I went home and said, 100 00:05:21,120 --> 00:05:23,720 "Mommy, why didn't the teacher put tape on my mouth?" 101 00:05:23,720 --> 00:05:26,120 I got in trouble and the teacher put tape on my mouth 102 00:05:26,120 --> 00:05:27,560 for talking too much. 103 00:05:27,560 --> 00:05:32,560 And that was, and so then my parents had been tested 104 00:05:32,560 --> 00:05:35,360 and that's when my drug addiction started. 105 00:05:35,360 --> 00:05:37,600 My parents put me on Ritalin 106 00:05:37,600 --> 00:05:41,000 'cause my brother had dyslexia, so I got tested 107 00:05:41,000 --> 00:05:43,520 and that's when I was put on Ritalin. 108 00:05:43,520 --> 00:05:45,680 I was probably around eight years old, 109 00:05:45,680 --> 00:05:49,960 maybe a little younger and I was off. 110 00:05:49,960 --> 00:05:51,920 That's when my addiction started. 111 00:05:51,920 --> 00:05:56,080 I dibbled-dabbled for years with all sorts of stuff. 112 00:05:56,080 --> 00:06:01,080 So I was the little sister that went to all of the, 113 00:06:01,080 --> 00:06:06,440 I'm sorry, I've never shared, I'm talking to myself, 114 00:06:06,440 --> 00:06:07,800 I see a picture of myself. 115 00:06:07,800 --> 00:06:12,600 So I feel kind of funny, so sorry, this is interesting. 116 00:06:12,600 --> 00:06:17,600 So I would go to my brother's school 117 00:06:17,600 --> 00:06:21,520 and have a tutor there and they would try to work with me 118 00:06:21,520 --> 00:06:25,560 on my hyper activities and this and that 119 00:06:25,560 --> 00:06:28,080 and I was totally over-medicated 120 00:06:28,080 --> 00:06:30,840 and I went to the tutor until I was about 12 years old, 121 00:06:30,840 --> 00:06:33,080 but all I wanted was the medication. 122 00:06:33,080 --> 00:06:38,080 So I continued with the medication and I found cheerleading. 123 00:06:38,080 --> 00:06:40,000 I did pop order cheerleading 124 00:06:40,000 --> 00:06:42,480 and I started that probably around 10 125 00:06:42,480 --> 00:06:47,360 and I ended up competing and doing gymnastics, 126 00:06:47,360 --> 00:06:48,680 cheering competitively. 127 00:06:48,680 --> 00:06:51,840 And I went to school and I got great grades 128 00:06:51,840 --> 00:06:54,600 through junior high and high school 129 00:06:54,600 --> 00:06:58,400 and I was a big student, I never got in trouble 130 00:06:58,400 --> 00:07:03,320 and my parents focus was not on me, not on me at all. 131 00:07:03,320 --> 00:07:06,480 It was always on my brother's baseball, his everything. 132 00:07:06,480 --> 00:07:10,200 So I've got to do whatever I wanted to do 133 00:07:10,200 --> 00:07:11,360 when I wanted to do it. 134 00:07:11,360 --> 00:07:14,600 So I would go to the psychiatrist on my own time 135 00:07:14,600 --> 00:07:19,200 and my parents had this thing with the psychiatrist, 136 00:07:19,200 --> 00:07:20,840 like Jessica could do whatever she wants. 137 00:07:20,840 --> 00:07:24,800 Like she's a big girl, we trust you, whatever. 138 00:07:24,800 --> 00:07:28,120 So I was going and he was my drug dealer, 139 00:07:28,120 --> 00:07:29,720 my psychiatrist was my drug dealer 140 00:07:29,720 --> 00:07:33,560 and I would get up first, downers, this and that, 141 00:07:33,560 --> 00:07:36,800 but I didn't know what I was doing 'cause he was a doctor. 142 00:07:36,800 --> 00:07:39,320 I got my driver's license, I would go see him. 143 00:07:39,320 --> 00:07:43,320 I would get, later it turned into Adderall 144 00:07:43,320 --> 00:07:46,240 and then I ended up going on Xanax, 145 00:07:46,240 --> 00:07:49,520 we're talking back when I was probably about 17 years old, 146 00:07:49,520 --> 00:07:54,520 Xanax and I dibble dabbled with that for many, many years. 147 00:07:54,520 --> 00:08:00,080 I had my first drink probably when I was about 14 years old. 148 00:08:00,080 --> 00:08:03,640 I was my first and last, 149 00:08:03,640 --> 00:08:06,640 oh, I drank and I threw up and that was it. 150 00:08:06,640 --> 00:08:09,760 That was my last drink until I was probably around 17. 151 00:08:09,760 --> 00:08:14,760 I drank again at 17 and I drank on the weekends for a while. 152 00:08:14,760 --> 00:08:17,640 I went through spurts and I would go 153 00:08:17,640 --> 00:08:20,800 and I would drink until I would throw up. 154 00:08:20,800 --> 00:08:21,640 It was great. 155 00:08:21,640 --> 00:08:24,000 Like, oh, I threw up last weekend. 156 00:08:24,000 --> 00:08:27,520 Did you see me in my chair-biting skirt? 157 00:08:27,520 --> 00:08:28,880 Blah, blah, blah. 158 00:08:28,880 --> 00:08:32,320 I went to Jenny's house and I was in the back bathroom 159 00:08:32,320 --> 00:08:34,560 and I tore one up. 160 00:08:34,560 --> 00:08:36,160 It was just me. 161 00:08:36,160 --> 00:08:40,160 I had to be that girl that was the party girl, 162 00:08:40,160 --> 00:08:42,160 that was the one that was screaming. 163 00:08:42,160 --> 00:08:45,480 I was the obnoxious one and if I didn't throw up, 164 00:08:45,480 --> 00:08:46,800 I didn't do it right. 165 00:08:46,800 --> 00:08:50,840 I had to tear one off. 166 00:08:50,840 --> 00:08:55,080 Mind you, I'm like taking Xanax. 167 00:08:55,080 --> 00:08:57,560 At this point, I'm on Adderall. 168 00:08:57,560 --> 00:09:01,360 I wasn't on any anti-depressant yet 169 00:09:01,360 --> 00:09:03,240 'cause I wasn't depressed yet. 170 00:09:03,240 --> 00:09:05,280 I was online, I was half. 171 00:09:05,280 --> 00:09:07,920 So I just like, but this is like, 172 00:09:07,920 --> 00:09:10,000 at this point, it was like my senior year. 173 00:09:10,000 --> 00:09:12,760 It wasn't every day thing in high school. 174 00:09:12,760 --> 00:09:15,600 It was like, not every day, sorry, every weekend thing, 175 00:09:15,600 --> 00:09:17,840 but it was just fantastic. 176 00:09:17,840 --> 00:09:19,600 It was like, maybe I'm sitting there, 177 00:09:19,600 --> 00:09:21,960 like Jenny was a straight A student, 178 00:09:21,960 --> 00:09:23,240 about to go to Berkeley. 179 00:09:23,240 --> 00:09:24,800 Like her dad was never home. 180 00:09:24,800 --> 00:09:26,600 We would all party there in Albasis. 181 00:09:26,600 --> 00:09:28,720 It was great, like she was a good girl. 182 00:09:28,720 --> 00:09:31,160 Like we weren't doing anything wrong. 183 00:09:31,160 --> 00:09:37,480 So a friend of ours ended up, our friend Sam, 184 00:09:37,480 --> 00:09:41,080 one Sunday morning when we woke up, Sam didn't wake up, 185 00:09:41,080 --> 00:09:43,760 but Sam doesn't drink or do drugs. 186 00:09:43,760 --> 00:09:45,280 Sam had a heart attack. 187 00:09:45,280 --> 00:09:47,920 Sam was in his second year of college 188 00:09:47,920 --> 00:09:51,520 and Sam came down from Santa Barbara for a concert 189 00:09:51,520 --> 00:09:54,640 and Sam just never woke up at Jenny's house 190 00:09:54,640 --> 00:09:56,240 and he didn't drink or anything 191 00:09:56,240 --> 00:09:58,200 and we all kind of got in trouble. 192 00:09:58,200 --> 00:10:03,000 And that was just the first life. 193 00:10:03,000 --> 00:10:05,360 Like, Jessica, what are you doing? 194 00:10:05,360 --> 00:10:06,680 Are you doing drugs? 195 00:10:06,680 --> 00:10:08,040 Like are you smoking pot? 196 00:10:08,040 --> 00:10:11,760 Like I have never, I never did drugs. 197 00:10:11,760 --> 00:10:13,120 They smoke pot. 198 00:10:13,120 --> 00:10:15,480 They do cocaine, they do all those things, 199 00:10:15,480 --> 00:10:18,160 but like I wasn't doing it even though 200 00:10:18,160 --> 00:10:22,760 like I was abusing my pills and doing all, 201 00:10:22,760 --> 00:10:24,400 and drinking on it. 202 00:10:24,400 --> 00:10:25,600 Like my parents knew I'd drink. 203 00:10:25,600 --> 00:10:28,080 They said, "If you happen to drink, don't drive." 204 00:10:28,080 --> 00:10:30,520 But they didn't know I was abusing my pills 205 00:10:30,520 --> 00:10:32,520 and like would like stash them 206 00:10:32,520 --> 00:10:34,200 and then take more than I should. 207 00:10:34,200 --> 00:10:35,760 'Cause to me, I was a kid 208 00:10:35,760 --> 00:10:37,560 and like they were sending me to the doctor 209 00:10:37,560 --> 00:10:39,920 and they would help me pay for my co-pay 210 00:10:39,920 --> 00:10:41,680 and I didn't know. 211 00:10:41,680 --> 00:10:43,520 I was, I didn't know. 212 00:10:43,520 --> 00:10:46,280 You know, I got good grades. 213 00:10:46,280 --> 00:10:48,200 I never got in trouble. 214 00:10:48,200 --> 00:10:50,760 I never ditched a day in school. 215 00:10:50,760 --> 00:10:52,840 I got into college. 216 00:10:52,840 --> 00:10:55,560 I just, I never did anything wrong. 217 00:10:55,560 --> 00:10:56,520 Everything you were supposed to do. 218 00:10:56,520 --> 00:10:58,240 I was a captain of the cheerleading squad. 219 00:10:58,240 --> 00:10:59,600 I was prom queen. 220 00:10:59,600 --> 00:11:02,040 Like anything you could want your daughter to be, 221 00:11:02,040 --> 00:11:04,440 I was on the outside. 222 00:11:04,440 --> 00:11:08,440 On the inside, a terrified little girl 223 00:11:08,440 --> 00:11:13,280 that was so scared of her alcoholic father 224 00:11:13,280 --> 00:11:16,120 that was untreated, that just got sober. 225 00:11:16,120 --> 00:11:17,440 My dad just got sober. 226 00:11:17,440 --> 00:11:21,120 He ended up being a rageaholic, screaming maniac. 227 00:11:21,120 --> 00:11:25,400 And it was, "You're gonna be on the cheerleading squad. 228 00:11:25,400 --> 00:11:27,400 "You're gonna get good grades. 229 00:11:27,400 --> 00:11:29,600 "You're gonna take your medication." 230 00:11:29,600 --> 00:11:31,840 To my brother, "You're gonna play baseball. 231 00:11:31,840 --> 00:11:34,040 "You're gonna look good on the outside. 232 00:11:34,040 --> 00:11:35,560 "You're gonna do this. 233 00:11:35,560 --> 00:11:37,120 "If you don't do that, 234 00:11:37,120 --> 00:11:38,760 "you're not gonna have your car. 235 00:11:38,760 --> 00:11:40,640 "You're not gonna have a place to live. 236 00:11:40,640 --> 00:11:43,880 "You're not, you're not, you're not, you're not." 237 00:11:43,880 --> 00:11:45,760 And so I grew up like, 238 00:11:45,760 --> 00:11:48,320 if you don't do that, you're not gonna have that. 239 00:11:48,320 --> 00:11:52,520 So I thought I was doing everything exactly right. 240 00:11:52,520 --> 00:11:56,360 I was a terrified, terrified, terrified little girl. 241 00:11:56,360 --> 00:11:59,600 And I was that person, I mean, there's more I have to share, 242 00:11:59,600 --> 00:12:03,960 but I was that person until I hit my bottom at 30 years old. 243 00:12:03,960 --> 00:12:08,960 A scared, broken, terrified, hard shell little woman. 244 00:12:08,960 --> 00:12:12,520 Little girl, little, little, little girl, 245 00:12:12,520 --> 00:12:16,200 so scared of men, people, everything. 246 00:12:16,200 --> 00:12:18,480 Like, you're not gonna date that person. 247 00:12:18,480 --> 00:12:22,360 You're not gonna, went, I went, 248 00:12:22,360 --> 00:12:25,120 I didn't go into college 'cause my dad was like, 249 00:12:25,120 --> 00:12:27,480 "Your mom's gonna be so sad if you go away. 250 00:12:27,480 --> 00:12:28,760 "You're not going away." 251 00:12:28,760 --> 00:12:32,840 So I did the, I did the in to them 252 00:12:32,840 --> 00:12:36,320 and I went and I moved to Malibu apartments 253 00:12:36,320 --> 00:12:40,520 with a girlfriend and it just went crazy. 254 00:12:40,520 --> 00:12:43,400 I just went, I smoked pot every day. 255 00:12:43,400 --> 00:12:45,200 I drank every day. 256 00:12:45,200 --> 00:12:49,600 I had a boyfriend, I cheated on him with, 257 00:12:49,600 --> 00:12:50,960 I cheated on him all the time, 258 00:12:50,960 --> 00:12:53,400 but I stayed with him because my parents were like, 259 00:12:53,400 --> 00:12:54,760 "You're gonna marry this guy." 260 00:12:54,760 --> 00:12:58,480 So, and he made everybody look good. 261 00:12:58,480 --> 00:13:01,440 So I was with him for six years 262 00:13:01,440 --> 00:13:03,600 'cause my parents wanted me to be with him. 263 00:13:03,600 --> 00:13:07,000 And I was so afraid, I was so afraid. 264 00:13:07,000 --> 00:13:08,560 I was scared, I was scared of my dad. 265 00:13:08,560 --> 00:13:10,200 Scared of my dad. 266 00:13:10,200 --> 00:13:12,600 And I think I was more scared 267 00:13:12,600 --> 00:13:14,680 of him cutting me off financially 268 00:13:14,680 --> 00:13:16,880 and me afraid of losing my insurance 269 00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:18,920 after doing my step work I realized 270 00:13:18,920 --> 00:13:22,240 because I was so hooked on my drugs 271 00:13:22,240 --> 00:13:23,800 and getting my medication. 272 00:13:23,800 --> 00:13:26,360 Like it was just such a fanatic. 273 00:13:26,360 --> 00:13:29,240 I'm an alcoholic, it was my thing. 274 00:13:29,240 --> 00:13:32,760 So I stayed, I went to Pierce Junior College. 275 00:13:32,760 --> 00:13:34,640 I went to CSUN. 276 00:13:34,640 --> 00:13:38,960 I remember the end of my senior year, 277 00:13:38,960 --> 00:13:41,360 I wanted to quit cheerleading. 278 00:13:41,360 --> 00:13:42,680 I quit my cheerleading squad. 279 00:13:42,680 --> 00:13:43,800 Remember my parents were like, 280 00:13:43,800 --> 00:13:45,080 "That's the first time they're ever like, 281 00:13:45,080 --> 00:13:46,440 "we're disappointed in you." 282 00:13:46,440 --> 00:13:48,760 And I only did it because it was the first time 283 00:13:48,760 --> 00:13:50,240 I ever wanted to do something for me 284 00:13:50,240 --> 00:13:53,080 and I went and met as the manager at Tandy Salon. 285 00:13:53,080 --> 00:13:56,400 And I was just so tired of competing, competing. 286 00:13:56,400 --> 00:13:59,520 And I wanted to drink and I wanted to party. 287 00:13:59,520 --> 00:14:00,520 And a couple of years later, 288 00:14:00,520 --> 00:14:03,680 I got a chance to try out for another dance team 289 00:14:03,680 --> 00:14:04,520 and I made it. 290 00:14:04,520 --> 00:14:07,000 But I didn't tell anybody because I didn't want, 291 00:14:07,000 --> 00:14:09,400 I wanted to have something for myself. 292 00:14:09,400 --> 00:14:11,880 So it was our first like like training session. 293 00:14:11,880 --> 00:14:14,440 The next morning I was with my girlfriends 294 00:14:14,440 --> 00:14:17,840 and I was so drunk and they're like, 295 00:14:17,840 --> 00:14:20,240 and I had never tried cocaine at this point. 296 00:14:20,240 --> 00:14:21,840 Like done, you know, my pills, 297 00:14:21,840 --> 00:14:24,080 which is like more pure, whatever. 298 00:14:24,080 --> 00:14:27,280 And my girlfriend's like, "Try, try." 299 00:14:27,280 --> 00:14:29,440 She's like, "Take a line, take a line." 300 00:14:29,440 --> 00:14:30,840 So, you know, I did a line. 301 00:14:30,840 --> 00:14:34,040 I was like, "Oh, I can drive us home, I can drive us home." 302 00:14:34,040 --> 00:14:38,880 I think that was my first time ever driving 100% ripped. 303 00:14:38,880 --> 00:14:42,440 'Cause I was always the one that's like, 304 00:14:42,440 --> 00:14:44,240 I can take care of all of us. 305 00:14:44,240 --> 00:14:48,480 So I drove, I drove us home, got us home safe, 306 00:14:48,480 --> 00:14:51,320 went to practice in the morning, went to weight training. 307 00:14:51,320 --> 00:14:53,880 And I ended up doing another line in the bathroom 308 00:14:53,880 --> 00:14:55,680 so it's like, I was doing weights 309 00:14:55,680 --> 00:14:57,480 and a barbell fell on my face. 310 00:14:57,480 --> 00:14:59,320 I don't think I always wanted my whole life. 311 00:14:59,320 --> 00:15:01,200 And then the training coach came up to me 312 00:15:01,200 --> 00:15:03,600 after what happened to me, what was wrong with me? 313 00:15:03,600 --> 00:15:04,920 And I knew she knew I was. 314 00:15:04,920 --> 00:15:07,400 And I was, I couldn't even talk. 315 00:15:07,400 --> 00:15:09,320 I couldn't even anything 'cause I was just, 316 00:15:09,320 --> 00:15:11,040 I knew they knew and I left 317 00:15:11,040 --> 00:15:12,680 and that was like a big dream of mine. 318 00:15:12,680 --> 00:15:16,280 So this is when I knew like the gig was up. 319 00:15:16,280 --> 00:15:18,680 Even though it lasted many more years, 320 00:15:18,680 --> 00:15:21,920 when I started to lose things that meant a lot for me. 321 00:15:21,920 --> 00:15:26,640 I bought a house when I was 24 years old. 322 00:15:26,640 --> 00:15:29,240 I got into the clothing business, 323 00:15:29,240 --> 00:15:32,360 became very successful and I bought a house. 324 00:15:32,360 --> 00:15:37,200 I had people working for me, I was importing clothing. 325 00:15:37,200 --> 00:15:42,200 I was isolated and I would make a ton of money one month. 326 00:15:42,200 --> 00:15:43,800 Ton. 327 00:15:43,800 --> 00:15:45,120 Then I would get a purchase order 328 00:15:45,120 --> 00:15:48,320 and then like clothes would get stuck in customs. 329 00:15:48,320 --> 00:15:50,800 And then the purchase order would be canceled 330 00:15:50,800 --> 00:15:52,640 because I missed back to school 331 00:15:52,640 --> 00:15:54,640 because it would be stuck in customs. 332 00:15:54,640 --> 00:15:57,800 And I'd be so high, I wouldn't answer my emails. 333 00:15:57,800 --> 00:16:00,880 And you know, it just, everything just stopped working. 334 00:16:00,880 --> 00:16:04,600 And you know, it took me when I got my stuff worked 335 00:16:04,600 --> 00:16:06,840 to realize like I was that boss. 336 00:16:06,840 --> 00:16:10,160 I was that person that was screwing over people's families. 337 00:16:10,160 --> 00:16:13,400 I was screwing over people that, people that had families. 338 00:16:13,400 --> 00:16:15,880 I wasn't paying them 'cause I was too busy getting hung. 339 00:16:15,880 --> 00:16:17,480 They're not answering emails on phone calls, 340 00:16:17,480 --> 00:16:19,480 but I didn't make it go. 341 00:16:21,040 --> 00:16:22,920 So I bought a house. 342 00:16:22,920 --> 00:16:26,000 I, you know, reached a lot of goals very young 343 00:16:26,000 --> 00:16:28,640 'cause I just didn't know, I didn't know how to fail. 344 00:16:28,640 --> 00:16:31,440 I just started to fail at everything that I did. 345 00:16:31,440 --> 00:16:34,440 And it just was up, the gig was up. 346 00:16:34,440 --> 00:16:37,000 And I had a lot of nice cars. 347 00:16:37,000 --> 00:16:39,800 Like it just all looked so pretty on the outside. 348 00:16:39,800 --> 00:16:42,400 Went to a business trip when I was 30 years old 349 00:16:42,400 --> 00:16:46,920 and I brought my Adderall, I brought my Xanax. 350 00:16:46,920 --> 00:16:50,160 Meanwhile in there, my doctor started giving me shots 351 00:16:50,160 --> 00:16:51,800 of something called prolixin. 352 00:16:51,800 --> 00:16:54,920 'Cause he's like, after I got cut from his team, 353 00:16:54,920 --> 00:16:57,520 basically because I like ran out of practice, 354 00:16:57,520 --> 00:17:01,560 I still have a big scar on my nose from the bar hitting me. 355 00:17:01,560 --> 00:17:04,560 I like lost it. 356 00:17:04,560 --> 00:17:07,600 The doctor, I got on medication, 357 00:17:07,600 --> 00:17:10,280 other like antidepressant and medication. 358 00:17:10,280 --> 00:17:13,400 The doctor like was giving me a shock or something. 359 00:17:13,400 --> 00:17:18,400 He, I left for a business show called Magic in Las Vegas. 360 00:17:20,040 --> 00:17:24,120 And he's like, don't not take your medication. 361 00:17:24,120 --> 00:17:26,360 Just don't not miss anything. 362 00:17:26,360 --> 00:17:28,520 Meanwhile, I came to Vegas. 363 00:17:28,520 --> 00:17:30,160 I was just like a couple of weeks 364 00:17:30,160 --> 00:17:32,120 after my 30th birthday party 365 00:17:32,120 --> 00:17:34,460 that I had with all my friends. 366 00:17:34,460 --> 00:17:36,320 I drank, I got so sick then. 367 00:17:36,320 --> 00:17:39,640 The alcohol was just, I mean, I was buying boxed wine 368 00:17:39,640 --> 00:17:42,600 from Trader Joe's back then, 15 years ago. 369 00:17:42,600 --> 00:17:45,800 Trader Joe's used to sell this blush boxed wine. 370 00:17:45,800 --> 00:17:48,600 I used to go in, I used to buy like boxes of it. 371 00:17:48,600 --> 00:17:50,240 I had a refrigerator in my house 372 00:17:50,240 --> 00:17:52,120 and a refrigerator in my garage. 373 00:17:52,120 --> 00:17:55,120 And like I had a lot, it was embarrassing. 374 00:17:55,120 --> 00:17:56,980 I'd be like, you know, like it was embarrassing. 375 00:17:56,980 --> 00:17:59,520 I would go through that, it was just disgusting. 376 00:17:59,520 --> 00:18:03,180 I was a chain smoker, like one cigarette after another. 377 00:18:03,180 --> 00:18:06,920 Like I could not handle not having a cigarette in my mouth. 378 00:18:06,920 --> 00:18:10,200 I was just like another cigarette after another cigarette. 379 00:18:10,200 --> 00:18:13,160 I was like, I would stay up for days. 380 00:18:13,160 --> 00:18:15,200 I was just, I was that person. 381 00:18:15,200 --> 00:18:18,560 So, went on this business trip. 382 00:18:18,560 --> 00:18:22,880 I forgot my, I forgot my medication, forgot all of it. 383 00:18:22,880 --> 00:18:23,720 I was smoking pot every day. 384 00:18:23,720 --> 00:18:25,800 I was drinking boxes of wine every day. 385 00:18:25,800 --> 00:18:27,080 Brought all my medications. 386 00:18:27,080 --> 00:18:32,080 So, I went to this business trip three days in. 387 00:18:32,080 --> 00:18:35,300 I, maybe two and a half days in, 388 00:18:35,300 --> 00:18:39,860 I started to get hives, sweats. 389 00:18:42,040 --> 00:18:46,560 I was acting 100% just ridiculous. 390 00:18:46,560 --> 00:18:51,560 Like, my dad went to this magic show, this clothing show 391 00:18:51,560 --> 00:18:54,320 because he was in the business 392 00:18:54,320 --> 00:18:56,560 but for something totally different than I am, 393 00:18:56,560 --> 00:18:57,800 I manufacture clothing. 394 00:18:57,800 --> 00:19:02,540 He sold to, he sold finished goods through something else. 395 00:19:02,540 --> 00:19:05,440 And I saw him there walking in the hall 396 00:19:05,440 --> 00:19:07,120 and he's like, are you okay? 397 00:19:07,120 --> 00:19:10,360 I'm like walking, I was like, this is my daddy. 398 00:19:10,360 --> 00:19:12,920 'Cause I was still so drunk from the night before. 399 00:19:12,920 --> 00:19:15,480 And I mean, I was just, 400 00:19:15,480 --> 00:19:18,680 I made an ass in front of all my clients. 401 00:19:18,680 --> 00:19:22,180 I remember I was just like shaking 402 00:19:22,180 --> 00:19:25,120 and I called my aunt that was at the time, 403 00:19:25,120 --> 00:19:27,800 she was probably like 28 years sober. 404 00:19:27,800 --> 00:19:29,440 She lived in Vegas. 405 00:19:29,440 --> 00:19:31,640 And I said, I have a problem. 406 00:19:31,640 --> 00:19:32,960 I have a problem. 407 00:19:32,960 --> 00:19:34,380 I have what you have. 408 00:19:34,380 --> 00:19:37,800 And she was, I'm like, I haven't taken my medication 409 00:19:37,800 --> 00:19:38,720 and I'm getting sick. 410 00:19:38,720 --> 00:19:40,560 So that means that I have a problem 411 00:19:40,560 --> 00:19:43,100 but I'm drinking and the alcohol's not working. 412 00:19:43,100 --> 00:19:46,440 So I'm addicted to the drugs, not the alcohol. 413 00:19:46,440 --> 00:19:48,940 And I'm like, so I need to go get some help. 414 00:19:48,940 --> 00:19:50,480 And she's like, what are you talking about? 415 00:19:50,480 --> 00:19:52,520 I'm like, well, I just went to a concert 416 00:19:52,520 --> 00:19:55,200 and I'm missing my shoes and my purse 417 00:19:55,200 --> 00:19:56,800 and I got dropped off at the hotel. 418 00:19:56,800 --> 00:19:58,200 I only remember a little bit. 419 00:19:58,200 --> 00:20:01,140 And I'm like, and I haven't taken my pills. 420 00:20:01,140 --> 00:20:03,120 I don't even remember the whole story exactly. 421 00:20:03,120 --> 00:20:05,160 I said, but this is what it is. 422 00:20:05,160 --> 00:20:07,760 I need help, I have a problem. 423 00:20:07,760 --> 00:20:09,160 And she's like, I'm coming. 424 00:20:09,160 --> 00:20:11,800 So she went to the hotel, I called my dad 425 00:20:11,800 --> 00:20:14,960 and my dad's like, I'm telling you I have a problem. 426 00:20:14,960 --> 00:20:18,320 And all he says to me is, stop being dramatic. 427 00:20:18,320 --> 00:20:20,760 You don't have a problem, it's not about you. 428 00:20:20,760 --> 00:20:23,720 Well, yeah, it's about me, always about me. 429 00:20:23,720 --> 00:20:28,720 So my business partner at the time came to my room 430 00:20:28,720 --> 00:20:30,320 and we made all these calls 431 00:20:30,320 --> 00:20:34,240 and I was driven the next morning to UCLA site for it 432 00:20:34,240 --> 00:20:38,600 because I was withdrawing, it's a pretty hard court. 433 00:20:38,600 --> 00:20:42,720 And I had a total breakdown, full 100% breakdown. 434 00:20:42,720 --> 00:20:46,800 And I mean, I was taking Xanax for like 16 years. 435 00:20:46,800 --> 00:20:48,480 It was awful. 436 00:20:48,480 --> 00:20:52,940 And it was the coming off of Xanax that really did it to me. 437 00:20:52,940 --> 00:20:57,160 And I remember the driving home from Vegas. 438 00:20:57,160 --> 00:21:01,040 I will never, I live in Las Vegas now, 439 00:21:01,040 --> 00:21:02,340 but I have a store, I was like, 440 00:21:02,340 --> 00:21:06,240 I'm never going back to Las Vegas ever again, ever again. 441 00:21:06,240 --> 00:21:09,000 That was the worst thing ever. 442 00:21:09,000 --> 00:21:11,680 So, but thinking about it and going out, I was like, yeah, 443 00:21:11,680 --> 00:21:13,120 I'm just gonna get off all the drugs. 444 00:21:13,120 --> 00:21:15,640 So I'm just gonna get off all the drugs and all the pills 445 00:21:15,640 --> 00:21:16,960 because I have a pill problem. 446 00:21:16,960 --> 00:21:20,280 And I did coke and I smoke a lot of pot 447 00:21:20,280 --> 00:21:21,520 and I did all these things 448 00:21:21,520 --> 00:21:23,600 and I'm just gonna go see what's wrong with me. 449 00:21:23,600 --> 00:21:27,620 And after I did UCLA site for it, 450 00:21:27,620 --> 00:21:29,160 I went to a place called, 451 00:21:29,160 --> 00:21:30,920 they're like, you need to do treatment, 452 00:21:30,920 --> 00:21:32,520 do you have a treatment? 453 00:21:32,520 --> 00:21:34,080 You know, I know I have one, 454 00:21:34,080 --> 00:21:35,840 but I should check into somewhere. 455 00:21:35,840 --> 00:21:38,040 I went to what was called Clearview Treatment Center 456 00:21:38,040 --> 00:21:43,040 and that was over there in Westwood. 457 00:21:43,040 --> 00:21:47,400 And I started to go to meetings out there. 458 00:21:47,400 --> 00:21:50,040 We went to the Rodeo Drive meeting 459 00:21:50,040 --> 00:21:52,480 and I went to a bunch of meetings. 460 00:21:52,480 --> 00:21:55,360 Coming in, really realizing that I had problems 461 00:21:55,360 --> 00:21:56,640 and doing it on my own, 462 00:21:56,640 --> 00:21:59,440 and knowing my aunt had all that time inspired me, 463 00:21:59,440 --> 00:22:00,840 I just lost her to cancer. 464 00:22:00,840 --> 00:22:02,600 Like several years ago, 465 00:22:02,600 --> 00:22:04,640 but watching her my whole life, 466 00:22:04,640 --> 00:22:07,560 like knowing that she, 467 00:22:07,560 --> 00:22:08,600 like crazy now, 468 00:22:08,600 --> 00:22:10,240 being AA with all her chips 469 00:22:10,240 --> 00:22:12,360 and talking about some variety and this, 470 00:22:12,360 --> 00:22:13,320 we're Jewish, you know? 471 00:22:13,320 --> 00:22:16,120 So very much saying all the God stuff and this 472 00:22:16,120 --> 00:22:18,600 and having her have like her AA necklaces 473 00:22:18,600 --> 00:22:19,680 and talking about the chips 474 00:22:19,680 --> 00:22:22,200 and like I would go to meetings with her as a little girl 475 00:22:22,200 --> 00:22:23,400 and I would come to Vegas 476 00:22:23,400 --> 00:22:25,160 and like, she's like, meeting first 477 00:22:25,160 --> 00:22:27,200 and let's go to, let's go to a meeting. 478 00:22:27,200 --> 00:22:29,680 I'd be like, no ma'am, I have to answer her service. 479 00:22:29,680 --> 00:22:31,400 Like, as a tiny little girl, 480 00:22:31,400 --> 00:22:33,280 I would come here all the time 481 00:22:33,280 --> 00:22:37,320 and you know, she had that instilled in me, you know? 482 00:22:37,320 --> 00:22:40,480 And she, so that's like in the back of my head, 483 00:22:40,480 --> 00:22:42,560 I was like, I'm just playing my aunt. 484 00:22:42,560 --> 00:22:44,520 I'm just like my aunt, I can't stop. 485 00:22:44,520 --> 00:22:46,080 Like, I have a problem. 486 00:22:46,080 --> 00:22:50,040 Like, I'm getting sick 'cause I didn't take these meds. 487 00:22:50,040 --> 00:22:52,160 I need to do something about it 488 00:22:52,160 --> 00:22:54,840 because this is, you don't get sick like this. 489 00:22:54,840 --> 00:22:57,600 Like, I'm sick, I'm throwing up. 490 00:22:57,600 --> 00:23:00,440 Like, I have highs, like, the alcohol, 491 00:23:00,440 --> 00:23:03,960 alcohol shouldn't be, I was, 'cause in my head, 492 00:23:03,960 --> 00:23:07,760 I was like, the alcohol's gonna make it go away, you know? 493 00:23:07,760 --> 00:23:11,320 You know, one story I also wanna share really quick, 494 00:23:11,320 --> 00:23:14,480 my best friend growing up, this girl Dana, 495 00:23:14,480 --> 00:23:18,480 I just like, the girl that gave me the cocaine, 496 00:23:18,480 --> 00:23:20,720 I yelled at her for giving me the cocaine 497 00:23:20,720 --> 00:23:22,520 'cause I told her it was her fault 498 00:23:22,520 --> 00:23:24,200 that I would accept cheerleading 499 00:23:24,200 --> 00:23:26,720 because the bar fell on my face. 500 00:23:26,720 --> 00:23:28,800 I blamed it on her, it was her fault. 501 00:23:28,800 --> 00:23:31,880 And she said to me, you've been an addict for so long. 502 00:23:31,880 --> 00:23:35,400 You've been popping Xanax, you've been doing Adderall. 503 00:23:35,400 --> 00:23:38,360 She said this to me like, she's all, in high school. 504 00:23:38,360 --> 00:23:39,200 You wouldn't give up, 505 00:23:39,200 --> 00:23:41,240 we would go to you for the party drugs. 506 00:23:41,240 --> 00:23:42,640 You're the party girl 507 00:23:42,640 --> 00:23:46,160 and you think you're the straight A prom queen, 508 00:23:46,160 --> 00:23:48,520 what is she, like, the straight A prom queen, 509 00:23:48,520 --> 00:23:49,880 cheerleader, blah, blah, blah. 510 00:23:49,880 --> 00:23:53,400 She's like, but everybody knows you're the party chick, 511 00:23:53,400 --> 00:23:55,000 you're the one with the drug problem. 512 00:23:55,000 --> 00:23:56,960 She was like, you will find out one day. 513 00:23:56,960 --> 00:23:59,600 And when I went and made all my amends, 514 00:23:59,600 --> 00:24:02,160 my first immense was to her because she was right. 515 00:24:02,160 --> 00:24:03,000 She was right. 516 00:24:03,000 --> 00:24:06,920 And I was so afraid to make my immense to her 517 00:24:06,920 --> 00:24:08,760 because she had everything I wanted. 518 00:24:08,760 --> 00:24:10,560 And I was always like, she's never gonna get it 519 00:24:10,560 --> 00:24:11,720 'cause she's always doing blow. 520 00:24:11,720 --> 00:24:13,760 She's always this, she's always going to the club. 521 00:24:13,760 --> 00:24:16,560 She's always this, she's back, blah, blah, blah, blah. 522 00:24:16,560 --> 00:24:19,280 And it's like, she was the one who got married 523 00:24:19,280 --> 00:24:21,760 and had kids young and has this beautiful family. 524 00:24:21,760 --> 00:24:26,360 And I was like in rehab and, you know, 525 00:24:26,360 --> 00:24:30,920 I lost my house because I screwed up my business 526 00:24:30,920 --> 00:24:34,720 because I was financially irresponsible. 527 00:24:34,720 --> 00:24:38,560 I gave, yeah, I was financially irresponsible. 528 00:24:38,560 --> 00:24:40,040 I was financially irresponsible. 529 00:24:40,040 --> 00:24:42,760 I lent, I gave a second to my father 530 00:24:42,760 --> 00:24:45,920 'cause I, you know, daddy's girl's afraid to not help him. 531 00:24:45,920 --> 00:24:48,440 So I gave a second on my house to my father 532 00:24:48,440 --> 00:24:51,800 and therefore I lost my business and I lost my house 533 00:24:51,800 --> 00:24:53,600 because he wasn't able to pay me back. 534 00:24:53,600 --> 00:24:55,800 Didn't even have a relationship with my family. 535 00:24:55,800 --> 00:24:57,960 And, you know, again, all I realized, 536 00:24:57,960 --> 00:25:02,520 all that stuff through the steps and going through meetings 537 00:25:02,520 --> 00:25:05,360 and, you know, and when I made that immense 538 00:25:05,360 --> 00:25:07,720 to my girlfriend, Dana, she's like, you know, Jess, 539 00:25:07,720 --> 00:25:10,320 she's like, it's all water under the bridge. 540 00:25:10,320 --> 00:25:12,360 And when she said that to me, I was just like, 541 00:25:12,360 --> 00:25:15,760 I was so afraid, but it's just like, it all just went like. 542 00:25:15,760 --> 00:25:19,560 And I was so afraid to do that immense, 543 00:25:19,560 --> 00:25:22,360 but it felt like it felt so good. 544 00:25:22,360 --> 00:25:24,240 It felt so good. 545 00:25:24,240 --> 00:25:28,200 You know, I've had the same sponsor for about 11 years now. 546 00:25:28,200 --> 00:25:29,520 She's amazing. 547 00:25:29,520 --> 00:25:31,200 She's, we don't talk every day, 548 00:25:31,200 --> 00:25:33,720 but we text almost every single day. 549 00:25:33,720 --> 00:25:37,600 I met the love of my life in this program. 550 00:25:37,600 --> 00:25:39,800 He's my best friend. 551 00:25:39,800 --> 00:25:43,680 He's truly my best friend and he's in program too. 552 00:25:43,680 --> 00:25:45,720 So it helps, he gets me. 553 00:25:45,720 --> 00:25:49,480 So I just want to touch on emotional sobriety. 554 00:25:49,480 --> 00:25:53,200 You know, I have 15 years, so I go through spurts 555 00:25:53,200 --> 00:25:55,880 where I'm like, okay, I'm totally connected. 556 00:25:55,880 --> 00:25:57,760 You know, and then COVID hit. 557 00:25:57,760 --> 00:26:00,720 I started to work at my treatment center 558 00:26:00,720 --> 00:26:02,000 where I was working at the time 559 00:26:02,000 --> 00:26:03,560 and I was working like seven days a week. 560 00:26:03,560 --> 00:26:06,360 And then, you know, a couple of my slanties, 561 00:26:06,360 --> 00:26:09,680 they fell off, you know, they relapsed. 562 00:26:09,680 --> 00:26:13,480 And then I got too comfortable and then I fought COVID 563 00:26:13,480 --> 00:26:16,440 and then I had neck surgery and then I moved. 564 00:26:16,440 --> 00:26:19,400 And like, no, I've been in an emotional funk 565 00:26:19,400 --> 00:26:22,640 and I can't get comfortable out here in meetings 566 00:26:22,640 --> 00:26:24,240 where we just moved to Nevada. 567 00:26:24,240 --> 00:26:28,240 And so I'm kind of in a not getting emotional face 568 00:26:28,240 --> 00:26:29,760 with my sobriety right now. 569 00:26:29,760 --> 00:26:31,280 I'm gonna be honest with you guys 570 00:26:31,280 --> 00:26:33,360 'cause that's what we do, we're honest. 571 00:26:33,360 --> 00:26:36,440 But I still talk to my sponsor all the time. 572 00:26:36,440 --> 00:26:41,440 I go to two quality life meetings a week on Zoom 573 00:26:41,920 --> 00:26:44,520 and that's where I'm at right now. 574 00:26:44,520 --> 00:26:48,840 I, you know, it's been a challenging week. 575 00:26:48,840 --> 00:26:50,920 It's not a weekly year. 576 00:26:50,920 --> 00:26:53,800 Best year of my life, a lot of change. 577 00:26:53,800 --> 00:26:56,280 But with the program, I'll tell you something. 578 00:26:56,280 --> 00:26:58,920 I have learned to love those parents of mine 579 00:26:58,920 --> 00:27:00,360 that have control of my life. 580 00:27:00,360 --> 00:27:02,920 I realized that, you know, they're addicts 581 00:27:02,920 --> 00:27:06,480 and, you know, my dad's still sober today, untreated. 582 00:27:06,480 --> 00:27:07,760 And I love that. 583 00:27:07,760 --> 00:27:11,640 I love that crazy old man more than anything. 584 00:27:11,640 --> 00:27:15,240 And I love my mother, but they do the best they can. 585 00:27:15,240 --> 00:27:18,560 You know, I'm realizing too now that basically 586 00:27:18,560 --> 00:27:22,560 I have stuffed kids now that we do the best we can 587 00:27:22,560 --> 00:27:24,000 with what we know how to do. 588 00:27:24,000 --> 00:27:27,240 And, you know, my dad didn't have parents really. 589 00:27:27,240 --> 00:27:29,440 He was out on his own when he was like 14 years old. 590 00:27:29,440 --> 00:27:32,320 So it's like, you know, I love my parents. 591 00:27:32,320 --> 00:27:35,400 And my dad's not so well emotionally. 592 00:27:35,400 --> 00:27:38,920 So, you know, I'm just gonna love that man forever. 593 00:27:38,920 --> 00:27:42,320 So what else I have to say to you guys is that, 594 00:27:42,320 --> 00:27:45,320 you know, I'm just grateful for my higher power. 595 00:27:45,320 --> 00:27:48,880 'Cause I started a new job. 596 00:27:48,880 --> 00:27:50,160 And let me just tell you, 597 00:27:50,160 --> 00:27:52,760 Scott asked me to share Thursday night. 598 00:27:52,760 --> 00:27:56,200 I'm like, he hadn't asked me to share to leave 599 00:27:56,200 --> 00:27:58,720 like the night before I'm starting a new job. 600 00:27:58,720 --> 00:28:00,080 And then I started a new job 601 00:28:00,080 --> 00:28:02,160 and these two girls were so catty. 602 00:28:02,160 --> 00:28:05,840 And like, they're totally talking about me right next to me. 603 00:28:05,840 --> 00:28:08,720 And I'm sitting there going, thank goodness Scott asked me. 604 00:28:08,720 --> 00:28:10,320 And in my head, I'm like, thank goodness Scott 605 00:28:10,320 --> 00:28:12,480 asked me to share because I was thinking about it. 606 00:28:12,480 --> 00:28:17,240 And like, I was like thinking my first string of pen and time 607 00:28:17,240 --> 00:28:20,400 like, thank God I reviewed the steps in my head 608 00:28:20,400 --> 00:28:23,960 and what I was gonna say and like, thank God I have program. 609 00:28:23,960 --> 00:28:27,560 And I love AA because it's just like, 610 00:28:27,560 --> 00:28:28,760 I was talking to my response about it. 611 00:28:28,760 --> 00:28:32,480 And I just like, it's like, I just love being in AA. 612 00:28:32,480 --> 00:28:34,360 I love having program. 613 00:28:34,360 --> 00:28:35,600 I love who I am today. 614 00:28:35,600 --> 00:28:37,920 I'm just a grateful woman. 615 00:28:37,920 --> 00:28:39,400 An alcoholic's a monument. 616 00:28:39,400 --> 00:28:43,400 I could not, I could not take away any bit of me 617 00:28:43,400 --> 00:28:45,200 of who I am today. 618 00:28:45,200 --> 00:28:47,640 And who I am today is because of this program. 619 00:28:47,640 --> 00:28:50,440 You know, I'm blessed. 620 00:28:50,440 --> 00:28:51,880 I have a lot of gratitude. 621 00:28:51,880 --> 00:28:53,880 I just had Sean for amazing napkins. 622 00:28:53,880 --> 00:28:56,200 I'm like, I'm gonna cry 'cause I'm always a crier 623 00:28:56,200 --> 00:29:00,080 because I'm always, I'm happy with all the gratitude. 624 00:29:00,080 --> 00:29:03,000 Just so much life and you know, 625 00:29:03,000 --> 00:29:05,400 I'm in a good place because of program. 626 00:29:05,400 --> 00:29:07,400 You know, but if I didn't have this, 627 00:29:07,400 --> 00:29:08,640 I wouldn't have anything. 628 00:29:08,640 --> 00:29:11,160 I would have nothing. 629 00:29:11,160 --> 00:29:13,400 I wouldn't want, it's like not even an option. 630 00:29:13,400 --> 00:29:16,680 Life isn't an option for me without AA, 631 00:29:16,680 --> 00:29:20,560 without my sponsor, without my God. 632 00:29:20,560 --> 00:29:23,360 Like I wouldn't even be able to be in my relationship 633 00:29:23,360 --> 00:29:24,400 or go for a new job. 634 00:29:24,400 --> 00:29:28,000 Like I wouldn't want to be me or who I was before 635 00:29:28,000 --> 00:29:30,640 'cause I wasn't a pretty person on the inside. 636 00:29:30,640 --> 00:29:31,480 I was ugly. 637 00:29:31,480 --> 00:29:33,040 I was a very, very ugly person. 638 00:29:33,040 --> 00:29:35,320 I was like, I'm just grateful. 639 00:29:35,320 --> 00:29:36,160 How much time do I have to do? 640 00:29:36,160 --> 00:29:38,240 I want to go to El Camino. 641 00:29:38,240 --> 00:29:39,600 I want my dad went to Graham. 642 00:29:39,600 --> 00:29:40,760 He's older than you. 643 00:29:40,760 --> 00:29:42,440 He's 71. 644 00:29:42,440 --> 00:29:44,120 Yeah, you're a young buck.