- Hi, I'm Jessica. I'm an alcoholic.
I'd like to thank Scott for asking me to speak.
It's an honor and privilege to take part in my sobriety.
And I'd like to welcome you to come and just, you know,
thank you for showing up for yourself and for me.
It's not for me, but it's why I keep coming back.
It reminds me that I need to keep doing this for myself.
It's important.
So, what it was like.
My sobriety birthday was February 16th.
So I just celebrated 15 years, 2007.
I grew up in Van Nuys in a Jewish family to hippie parents.
And my dad wasn't around a lot.
He was, he worked a lot to support our family.
And my mom was off, off doing her curfing.
And my memories of my childhood was my brother
going to baseball games.
He's four years older than me,
but my brother going to baseball games
and me being trotted around and my dad showing up late
after work, the games and us going home
and my parents fighting.
And then late at night, me running out.
'Cause I always had nightmares because my parents fought
and there being a bomb and drugs in the living room.
I just, I always remember that.
That's just how I grew up.
The drugs in the living room
and in this little tiny house we had in Van Nuys.
And just being terrified, terrified all the time
and not understanding what everything was around me
and the nightmares and the throwing
and the throwing of everything and the fear and alcohol.
Now I know what it is, obviously that I'm older,
but it was crazy back then.
I remember one time my dad threw this pot at my mom
and I got, we had one of those heaters
and it was in the wall and I just got out of the bath
and I was probably six years old.
And I backed up against it and I had grill marks
in my bottom or I remember I had to go to the hospital
for that.
And that's kind of how my childhood was.
I was terrified and it was all because of alcoholism.
And it was all because of my mom and dad fighting
because my dad was yelling at my mom
because she would be out with her boyfriends
and hiding things.
And my dad would be off probably drinking or doing drugs,
but he was also working, but he was doing drugs and drinking
and doing all sorts of things.
And my dad did get in trouble.
Now I know that I'm older, my dad did get in trouble
and I know that he, and I understand it now,
my parents did get supposedly separated for a while
and then on the weekends he was going back then,
I don't know if he'd do it now,
but he was going to jail on the weekends.
I guess you could go on the weekends and go to jail
and do your time on the weekends or something
or supposedly that's what he was doing.
And my mom had a boyfriend and she would say,
don't tell daddy.
So that's how I grew up with all these secrets,
but don't tell daddy what I'm doing.
And so I would see her make out with her boyfriend
and kiss him and would sleep over and lay in bed with him.
And my brother that I idolized, he would say,
I remember one time he walked in and she went to the guy
who was like, why are you making up for my mommy?
And it's just, we grew up with all these horrible secrets.
And we basically lived at like the neighbors
or grandparents or aunt and uncles.
It was just, you know, it was pretty scary.
It was pretty scary for young kids, the secrets,
the lying that she was doing, seeing the alcohol
and me knowing that the bad things on the tables
were not supposed to be there,
but knowing kind of what they were at a very young age.
My grandparents moved us from Van Nuys to West Hills
when I was about eight years old,
thinking that that would be so much better for us
and like help my dad get sober.
And that would be like the end all,
like help Michael and my dad get sober and help the family
like reunite and the kids and everybody like put them
in a better school district and, you know,
maybe things would get better.
So we moved over to West Hills and my dad did,
he got sober and he just started showing up more.
He opened up a business and he, my brother,
they found out he had dyslexia and they had to put him
into a special ed school.
So my brother started to get all this attention
and I, little Jessica, well, since Greg had dyslexia,
they tested her for everything under the sun.
Well, Jessica seemed hyperactive
because a couple of days before in the class,
I went home and said,
"Mommy, why didn't the teacher put tape on my mouth?"
I got in trouble and the teacher put tape on my mouth
for talking too much.
And that was, and so then my parents had been tested
and that's when my drug addiction started.
My parents put me on Ritalin
'cause my brother had dyslexia, so I got tested
and that's when I was put on Ritalin.
I was probably around eight years old,
maybe a little younger and I was off.
That's when my addiction started.
I dibbled-dabbled for years with all sorts of stuff.
So I was the little sister that went to all of the,
I'm sorry, I've never shared, I'm talking to myself,
I see a picture of myself.
So I feel kind of funny, so sorry, this is interesting.
So I would go to my brother's school
and have a tutor there and they would try to work with me
on my hyper activities and this and that
and I was totally over-medicated
and I went to the tutor until I was about 12 years old,
but all I wanted was the medication.
So I continued with the medication and I found cheerleading.
I did pop order cheerleading
and I started that probably around 10
and I ended up competing and doing gymnastics,
cheering competitively.
And I went to school and I got great grades
through junior high and high school
and I was a big student, I never got in trouble
and my parents focus was not on me, not on me at all.
It was always on my brother's baseball, his everything.
So I've got to do whatever I wanted to do
when I wanted to do it.
So I would go to the psychiatrist on my own time
and my parents had this thing with the psychiatrist,
like Jessica could do whatever she wants.
Like she's a big girl, we trust you, whatever.
So I was going and he was my drug dealer,
my psychiatrist was my drug dealer
and I would get up first, downers, this and that,
but I didn't know what I was doing 'cause he was a doctor.
I got my driver's license, I would go see him.
I would get, later it turned into Adderall
and then I ended up going on Xanax,
we're talking back when I was probably about 17 years old,
Xanax and I dibble dabbled with that for many, many years.
I had my first drink probably when I was about 14 years old.
I was my first and last,
oh, I drank and I threw up and that was it.
That was my last drink until I was probably around 17.
I drank again at 17 and I drank on the weekends for a while.
I went through spurts and I would go
and I would drink until I would throw up.
It was great.
Like, oh, I threw up last weekend.
Did you see me in my chair-biting skirt?
Blah, blah, blah.
I went to Jenny's house and I was in the back bathroom
and I tore one up.
It was just me.
I had to be that girl that was the party girl,
that was the one that was screaming.
I was the obnoxious one and if I didn't throw up,
I didn't do it right.
I had to tear one off.
Mind you, I'm like taking Xanax.
At this point, I'm on Adderall.
I wasn't on any anti-depressant yet
'cause I wasn't depressed yet.
I was online, I was half.
So I just like, but this is like,
at this point, it was like my senior year.
It wasn't every day thing in high school.
It was like, not every day, sorry, every weekend thing,
but it was just fantastic.
It was like, maybe I'm sitting there,
like Jenny was a straight A student,
about to go to Berkeley.
Like her dad was never home.
We would all party there in Albasis.
It was great, like she was a good girl.
Like we weren't doing anything wrong.
So a friend of ours ended up, our friend Sam,
one Sunday morning when we woke up, Sam didn't wake up,
but Sam doesn't drink or do drugs.
Sam had a heart attack.
Sam was in his second year of college
and Sam came down from Santa Barbara for a concert
and Sam just never woke up at Jenny's house
and he didn't drink or anything
and we all kind of got in trouble.
And that was just the first life.
Like, Jessica, what are you doing?
Are you doing drugs?
Like are you smoking pot?
Like I have never, I never did drugs.
They smoke pot.
They do cocaine, they do all those things,
but like I wasn't doing it even though
like I was abusing my pills and doing all,
and drinking on it.
Like my parents knew I'd drink.
They said, "If you happen to drink, don't drive."
But they didn't know I was abusing my pills
and like would like stash them
and then take more than I should.
'Cause to me, I was a kid
and like they were sending me to the doctor
and they would help me pay for my co-pay
and I didn't know.
I was, I didn't know.
You know, I got good grades.
I never got in trouble.
I never ditched a day in school.
I got into college.
I just, I never did anything wrong.
Everything you were supposed to do.
I was a captain of the cheerleading squad.
I was prom queen.
Like anything you could want your daughter to be,
I was on the outside.
On the inside, a terrified little girl
that was so scared of her alcoholic father
that was untreated, that just got sober.
My dad just got sober.
He ended up being a rageaholic, screaming maniac.
And it was, "You're gonna be on the cheerleading squad.
"You're gonna get good grades.
"You're gonna take your medication."
To my brother, "You're gonna play baseball.
"You're gonna look good on the outside.
"You're gonna do this.
"If you don't do that,
"you're not gonna have your car.
"You're not gonna have a place to live.
"You're not, you're not, you're not, you're not."
And so I grew up like,
if you don't do that, you're not gonna have that.
So I thought I was doing everything exactly right.
I was a terrified, terrified, terrified little girl.
And I was that person, I mean, there's more I have to share,
but I was that person until I hit my bottom at 30 years old.
A scared, broken, terrified, hard shell little woman.
Little girl, little, little, little girl,
so scared of men, people, everything.
Like, you're not gonna date that person.
You're not gonna, went, I went,
I didn't go into college 'cause my dad was like,
"Your mom's gonna be so sad if you go away.
"You're not going away."
So I did the, I did the in to them
and I went and I moved to Malibu apartments
with a girlfriend and it just went crazy.
I just went, I smoked pot every day.
I drank every day.
I had a boyfriend, I cheated on him with,
I cheated on him all the time,
but I stayed with him because my parents were like,
"You're gonna marry this guy."
So, and he made everybody look good.
So I was with him for six years
'cause my parents wanted me to be with him.
And I was so afraid, I was so afraid.
I was scared, I was scared of my dad.
Scared of my dad.
And I think I was more scared
of him cutting me off financially
and me afraid of losing my insurance
after doing my step work I realized
because I was so hooked on my drugs
and getting my medication.
Like it was just such a fanatic.
I'm an alcoholic, it was my thing.
So I stayed, I went to Pierce Junior College.
I went to CSUN.
I remember the end of my senior year,
I wanted to quit cheerleading.
I quit my cheerleading squad.
Remember my parents were like,
"That's the first time they're ever like,
"we're disappointed in you."
And I only did it because it was the first time
I ever wanted to do something for me
and I went and met as the manager at Tandy Salon.
And I was just so tired of competing, competing.
And I wanted to drink and I wanted to party.
And a couple of years later,
I got a chance to try out for another dance team
and I made it.
But I didn't tell anybody because I didn't want,
I wanted to have something for myself.
So it was our first like like training session.
The next morning I was with my girlfriends
and I was so drunk and they're like,
and I had never tried cocaine at this point.
Like done, you know, my pills,
which is like more pure, whatever.
And my girlfriend's like, "Try, try."
She's like, "Take a line, take a line."
So, you know, I did a line.
I was like, "Oh, I can drive us home, I can drive us home."
I think that was my first time ever driving 100% ripped.
'Cause I was always the one that's like,
I can take care of all of us.
So I drove, I drove us home, got us home safe,
went to practice in the morning, went to weight training.
And I ended up doing another line in the bathroom
so it's like, I was doing weights
and a barbell fell on my face.
I don't think I always wanted my whole life.
And then the training coach came up to me
after what happened to me, what was wrong with me?
And I knew she knew I was.
And I was, I couldn't even talk.
I couldn't even anything 'cause I was just,
I knew they knew and I left
and that was like a big dream of mine.
So this is when I knew like the gig was up.
Even though it lasted many more years,
when I started to lose things that meant a lot for me.
I bought a house when I was 24 years old.
I got into the clothing business,
became very successful and I bought a house.
I had people working for me, I was importing clothing.
I was isolated and I would make a ton of money one month.
Ton.
Then I would get a purchase order
and then like clothes would get stuck in customs.
And then the purchase order would be canceled
because I missed back to school
because it would be stuck in customs.
And I'd be so high, I wouldn't answer my emails.
And you know, it just, everything just stopped working.
And you know, it took me when I got my stuff worked
to realize like I was that boss.
I was that person that was screwing over people's families.
I was screwing over people that, people that had families.
I wasn't paying them 'cause I was too busy getting hung.
They're not answering emails on phone calls,
but I didn't make it go.
So I bought a house.
I, you know, reached a lot of goals very young
'cause I just didn't know, I didn't know how to fail.
I just started to fail at everything that I did.
And it just was up, the gig was up.
And I had a lot of nice cars.
Like it just all looked so pretty on the outside.
Went to a business trip when I was 30 years old
and I brought my Adderall, I brought my Xanax.
Meanwhile in there, my doctor started giving me shots
of something called prolixin.
'Cause he's like, after I got cut from his team,
basically because I like ran out of practice,
I still have a big scar on my nose from the bar hitting me.
I like lost it.
The doctor, I got on medication,
other like antidepressant and medication.
The doctor like was giving me a shock or something.
He, I left for a business show called Magic in Las Vegas.
And he's like, don't not take your medication.
Just don't not miss anything.
Meanwhile, I came to Vegas.
I was just like a couple of weeks
after my 30th birthday party
that I had with all my friends.
I drank, I got so sick then.
The alcohol was just, I mean, I was buying boxed wine
from Trader Joe's back then, 15 years ago.
Trader Joe's used to sell this blush boxed wine.
I used to go in, I used to buy like boxes of it.
I had a refrigerator in my house
and a refrigerator in my garage.
And like I had a lot, it was embarrassing.
I'd be like, you know, like it was embarrassing.
I would go through that, it was just disgusting.
I was a chain smoker, like one cigarette after another.
Like I could not handle not having a cigarette in my mouth.
I was just like another cigarette after another cigarette.
I was like, I would stay up for days.
I was just, I was that person.
So, went on this business trip.
I forgot my, I forgot my medication, forgot all of it.
I was smoking pot every day.
I was drinking boxes of wine every day.
Brought all my medications.
So, I went to this business trip three days in.
I, maybe two and a half days in,
I started to get hives, sweats.
I was acting 100% just ridiculous.
Like, my dad went to this magic show, this clothing show
because he was in the business
but for something totally different than I am,
I manufacture clothing.
He sold to, he sold finished goods through something else.
And I saw him there walking in the hall
and he's like, are you okay?
I'm like walking, I was like, this is my daddy.
'Cause I was still so drunk from the night before.
And I mean, I was just,
I made an ass in front of all my clients.
I remember I was just like shaking
and I called my aunt that was at the time,
she was probably like 28 years sober.
She lived in Vegas.
And I said, I have a problem.
I have a problem.
I have what you have.
And she was, I'm like, I haven't taken my medication
and I'm getting sick.
So that means that I have a problem
but I'm drinking and the alcohol's not working.
So I'm addicted to the drugs, not the alcohol.
And I'm like, so I need to go get some help.
And she's like, what are you talking about?
I'm like, well, I just went to a concert
and I'm missing my shoes and my purse
and I got dropped off at the hotel.
I only remember a little bit.
And I'm like, and I haven't taken my pills.
I don't even remember the whole story exactly.
I said, but this is what it is.
I need help, I have a problem.
And she's like, I'm coming.
So she went to the hotel, I called my dad
and my dad's like, I'm telling you I have a problem.
And all he says to me is, stop being dramatic.
You don't have a problem, it's not about you.
Well, yeah, it's about me, always about me.
So my business partner at the time came to my room
and we made all these calls
and I was driven the next morning to UCLA site for it
because I was withdrawing, it's a pretty hard court.
And I had a total breakdown, full 100% breakdown.
And I mean, I was taking Xanax for like 16 years.
It was awful.
And it was the coming off of Xanax that really did it to me.
And I remember the driving home from Vegas.
I will never, I live in Las Vegas now,
but I have a store, I was like,
I'm never going back to Las Vegas ever again, ever again.
That was the worst thing ever.
So, but thinking about it and going out, I was like, yeah,
I'm just gonna get off all the drugs.
So I'm just gonna get off all the drugs and all the pills
because I have a pill problem.
And I did coke and I smoke a lot of pot
and I did all these things
and I'm just gonna go see what's wrong with me.
And after I did UCLA site for it,
I went to a place called,
they're like, you need to do treatment,
do you have a treatment?
You know, I know I have one,
but I should check into somewhere.
I went to what was called Clearview Treatment Center
and that was over there in Westwood.
And I started to go to meetings out there.
We went to the Rodeo Drive meeting
and I went to a bunch of meetings.
Coming in, really realizing that I had problems
and doing it on my own,
and knowing my aunt had all that time inspired me,
I just lost her to cancer.
Like several years ago,
but watching her my whole life,
like knowing that she,
like crazy now,
being AA with all her chips
and talking about some variety and this,
we're Jewish, you know?
So very much saying all the God stuff and this
and having her have like her AA necklaces
and talking about the chips
and like I would go to meetings with her as a little girl
and I would come to Vegas
and like, she's like, meeting first
and let's go to, let's go to a meeting.
I'd be like, no ma'am, I have to answer her service.
Like, as a tiny little girl,
I would come here all the time
and you know, she had that instilled in me, you know?
And she, so that's like in the back of my head,
I was like, I'm just playing my aunt.
I'm just like my aunt, I can't stop.
Like, I have a problem.
Like, I'm getting sick 'cause I didn't take these meds.
I need to do something about it
because this is, you don't get sick like this.
Like, I'm sick, I'm throwing up.
Like, I have highs, like, the alcohol,
alcohol shouldn't be, I was, 'cause in my head,
I was like, the alcohol's gonna make it go away, you know?
You know, one story I also wanna share really quick,
my best friend growing up, this girl Dana,
I just like, the girl that gave me the cocaine,
I yelled at her for giving me the cocaine
'cause I told her it was her fault
that I would accept cheerleading
because the bar fell on my face.
I blamed it on her, it was her fault.
And she said to me, you've been an addict for so long.
You've been popping Xanax, you've been doing Adderall.
She said this to me like, she's all, in high school.
You wouldn't give up,
we would go to you for the party drugs.
You're the party girl
and you think you're the straight A prom queen,
what is she, like, the straight A prom queen,
cheerleader, blah, blah, blah.
She's like, but everybody knows you're the party chick,
you're the one with the drug problem.
She was like, you will find out one day.
And when I went and made all my amends,
my first immense was to her because she was right.
She was right.
And I was so afraid to make my immense to her
because she had everything I wanted.
And I was always like, she's never gonna get it
'cause she's always doing blow.
She's always this, she's always going to the club.
She's always this, she's back, blah, blah, blah, blah.
And it's like, she was the one who got married
and had kids young and has this beautiful family.
And I was like in rehab and, you know,
I lost my house because I screwed up my business
because I was financially irresponsible.
I gave, yeah, I was financially irresponsible.
I was financially irresponsible.
I lent, I gave a second to my father
'cause I, you know, daddy's girl's afraid to not help him.
So I gave a second on my house to my father
and therefore I lost my business and I lost my house
because he wasn't able to pay me back.
Didn't even have a relationship with my family.
And, you know, again, all I realized,
all that stuff through the steps and going through meetings
and, you know, and when I made that immense
to my girlfriend, Dana, she's like, you know, Jess,
she's like, it's all water under the bridge.
And when she said that to me, I was just like,
I was so afraid, but it's just like, it all just went like.
And I was so afraid to do that immense,
but it felt like it felt so good.
It felt so good.
You know, I've had the same sponsor for about 11 years now.
She's amazing.
She's, we don't talk every day,
but we text almost every single day.
I met the love of my life in this program.
He's my best friend.
He's truly my best friend and he's in program too.
So it helps, he gets me.
So I just want to touch on emotional sobriety.
You know, I have 15 years, so I go through spurts
where I'm like, okay, I'm totally connected.
You know, and then COVID hit.
I started to work at my treatment center
where I was working at the time
and I was working like seven days a week.
And then, you know, a couple of my slanties,
they fell off, you know, they relapsed.
And then I got too comfortable and then I fought COVID
and then I had neck surgery and then I moved.
And like, no, I've been in an emotional funk
and I can't get comfortable out here in meetings
where we just moved to Nevada.
And so I'm kind of in a not getting emotional face
with my sobriety right now.
I'm gonna be honest with you guys
'cause that's what we do, we're honest.
But I still talk to my sponsor all the time.
I go to two quality life meetings a week on Zoom
and that's where I'm at right now.
I, you know, it's been a challenging week.
It's not a weekly year.
Best year of my life, a lot of change.
But with the program, I'll tell you something.
I have learned to love those parents of mine
that have control of my life.
I realized that, you know, they're addicts
and, you know, my dad's still sober today, untreated.
And I love that.
I love that crazy old man more than anything.
And I love my mother, but they do the best they can.
You know, I'm realizing too now that basically
I have stuffed kids now that we do the best we can
with what we know how to do.
And, you know, my dad didn't have parents really.
He was out on his own when he was like 14 years old.
So it's like, you know, I love my parents.
And my dad's not so well emotionally.
So, you know, I'm just gonna love that man forever.
So what else I have to say to you guys is that,
you know, I'm just grateful for my higher power.
'Cause I started a new job.
And let me just tell you,
Scott asked me to share Thursday night.
I'm like, he hadn't asked me to share to leave
like the night before I'm starting a new job.
And then I started a new job
and these two girls were so catty.
And like, they're totally talking about me right next to me.
And I'm sitting there going, thank goodness Scott asked me.
And in my head, I'm like, thank goodness Scott
asked me to share because I was thinking about it.
And like, I was like thinking my first string of pen and time
like, thank God I reviewed the steps in my head
and what I was gonna say and like, thank God I have program.
And I love AA because it's just like,
I was talking to my response about it.
And I just like, it's like, I just love being in AA.
I love having program.
I love who I am today.
I'm just a grateful woman.
An alcoholic's a monument.
I could not, I could not take away any bit of me
of who I am today.
And who I am today is because of this program.
You know, I'm blessed.
I have a lot of gratitude.
I just had Sean for amazing napkins.
I'm like, I'm gonna cry 'cause I'm always a crier
because I'm always, I'm happy with all the gratitude.
Just so much life and you know,
I'm in a good place because of program.
You know, but if I didn't have this,
I wouldn't have anything.
I would have nothing.
I wouldn't want, it's like not even an option.
Life isn't an option for me without AA,
without my sponsor, without my God.
Like I wouldn't even be able to be in my relationship
or go for a new job.
Like I wouldn't want to be me or who I was before
'cause I wasn't a pretty person on the inside.
I was ugly.
I was a very, very ugly person.
I was like, I'm just grateful.
How much time do I have to do?
I want to go to El Camino.
I want my dad went to Graham.
He's older than you.
He's 71.
Yeah, you're a young buck.