1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,400 - All right, all right, all right. 2 00:00:02,400 --> 00:00:06,560 So John K., I'll talk real quick. 3 00:00:06,560 --> 00:00:09,540 I got, normally back in the day with this meeting, 4 00:00:09,540 --> 00:00:11,700 there was tradition that actually you get your first birthday. 5 00:00:11,700 --> 00:00:16,240 In the group on Friday, you do your long pitch, 6 00:00:16,240 --> 00:00:18,160 but we don't really have a Friday meeting anymore, 7 00:00:18,160 --> 00:00:20,220 but not really, maybe don't at all. 8 00:00:20,220 --> 00:00:23,960 So we're doing it here now, at least for the time being. 9 00:00:23,960 --> 00:00:25,480 Which school is me? 10 00:00:25,480 --> 00:00:28,400 So thank you, Scott, for asking me to do this. 11 00:00:28,400 --> 00:00:31,620 So I'm John K., I'm an alcoholic, and of many other things. 12 00:00:31,620 --> 00:00:37,880 My sponsor is the one, the only, Bill W. 13 00:00:37,880 --> 00:00:42,720 He's not the only one though, but he is, yeah. 14 00:00:42,720 --> 00:00:47,280 And then his sponsor is here as well, no one. 15 00:00:47,280 --> 00:00:49,000 And I'm pretty sure he's even got a sponsor too. 16 00:00:49,000 --> 00:00:50,280 And that guy probably has a sponsor. 17 00:00:50,280 --> 00:00:52,400 It's a good family tree there. 18 00:00:52,400 --> 00:00:54,680 But quality of life's my home group. 19 00:00:54,680 --> 00:00:56,000 - Wow. 20 00:00:56,000 --> 00:01:00,160 - And I celebrated my second year of sobriety. 21 00:01:00,160 --> 00:01:01,840 So that's cool. 22 00:01:01,840 --> 00:01:03,740 And also did the 12th step on Sunday. 23 00:01:03,740 --> 00:01:05,600 So everything's coming together. 24 00:01:05,600 --> 00:01:07,320 Which is usually about when things go wrong. 25 00:01:07,320 --> 00:01:09,320 So it's a good thing I'm doing this today. 26 00:01:09,320 --> 00:01:12,760 So what it was like. 27 00:01:12,760 --> 00:01:16,040 So way back when, I'm originally from Chicago, 28 00:01:16,040 --> 00:01:20,440 ran into a town called DeKalb, 29 00:01:20,440 --> 00:01:22,160 which is 70 miles west of Chicago, 30 00:01:22,160 --> 00:01:23,920 and it's the middle of a cornfield. 31 00:01:23,920 --> 00:01:27,720 And so, I mean, that was kind of fun, you know? 32 00:01:27,720 --> 00:01:29,760 'Cause I could go to the city pretty easily, 33 00:01:29,760 --> 00:01:31,640 or I could like, you know, start fires 34 00:01:31,640 --> 00:01:34,000 and blow stuff up in the country. 35 00:01:34,000 --> 00:01:35,800 Which there's a lot of that. 36 00:01:35,800 --> 00:01:39,480 But my parents, so I'm the oldest of four boys, 37 00:01:39,480 --> 00:01:43,560 which I think is sort of relevant to me anyway. 38 00:01:43,560 --> 00:01:47,560 'Cause my parents are, well, my parents, 39 00:01:47,560 --> 00:01:49,360 my dad is an alcoholic. 40 00:01:49,360 --> 00:01:51,120 My mom is an alanine for sure. 41 00:01:52,360 --> 00:01:57,360 And he's, I mean, I'm 33 now and he's 33 years sober. 42 00:01:57,360 --> 00:01:59,920 So he got sober like right after I was born. 43 00:01:59,920 --> 00:02:03,140 His original story was he got sober right before, 44 00:02:03,140 --> 00:02:04,920 but then that was obviously not the case 45 00:02:04,920 --> 00:02:07,840 'cause he kept getting drunk afterwards too. 46 00:02:07,840 --> 00:02:09,600 That was a problem for him. 47 00:02:09,600 --> 00:02:12,400 He kind of did the same thing that like Dan was saying, 48 00:02:12,400 --> 00:02:15,880 his brother did where like he saw the light, he saw God, 49 00:02:15,880 --> 00:02:18,400 and he just kind of went back to AA for cakes and chips 50 00:02:18,400 --> 00:02:20,840 and stuff like that every once in a while. 51 00:02:20,840 --> 00:02:23,640 He did, I mean, he must just, you know, 52 00:02:23,640 --> 00:02:28,640 be doing a more Catholic version of the program. 53 00:02:28,640 --> 00:02:31,840 'Cause that's what his whole spiel is. 54 00:02:31,840 --> 00:02:33,680 Which was kind of a problem for me growing up. 55 00:02:33,680 --> 00:02:36,240 They were very, my parents are super Catholic 56 00:02:36,240 --> 00:02:39,800 and they pushed it on me real hard. 57 00:02:39,800 --> 00:02:41,120 At least that's how I perceived it. 58 00:02:41,120 --> 00:02:44,640 'Cause my perception maybe is not exactly ideal. 59 00:02:44,640 --> 00:02:46,560 So if I said I didn't want to do something 60 00:02:46,560 --> 00:02:50,000 and someone told me I had to do it, that was a big problem. 61 00:02:50,000 --> 00:02:54,640 My dad, like I said, he got sober like right when I was born, 62 00:02:54,640 --> 00:02:57,160 which in hindsight, like totally now, 63 00:02:57,160 --> 00:03:00,160 having gone through what is my first year of sobriety, 64 00:03:00,160 --> 00:03:02,240 I can't imagine having a kid then. 65 00:03:02,240 --> 00:03:03,180 That would really suck. 66 00:03:03,180 --> 00:03:06,640 And I can't imagine like having to, I don't know, 67 00:03:06,640 --> 00:03:09,840 give attention to this other thing when I'm like barely even, 68 00:03:09,840 --> 00:03:12,460 I can barely even function correctly. 69 00:03:12,460 --> 00:03:15,680 And then like, you know, I mean, him and my mom, 70 00:03:15,680 --> 00:03:17,120 must have been getting fights all the time 71 00:03:17,120 --> 00:03:20,520 if my experience is anything like his. 72 00:03:20,520 --> 00:03:22,860 And so I'm sure that like, 73 00:03:22,860 --> 00:03:25,220 I probably picked up on some weird vibes or whatever, 74 00:03:25,220 --> 00:03:27,200 but like nothing really made, 75 00:03:27,200 --> 00:03:29,640 I mean, they didn't make me an alcoholic. 76 00:03:29,640 --> 00:03:33,160 And I guess that, you know, I'm trying to say, 77 00:03:33,160 --> 00:03:37,560 like they, yeah, no experience made me an alcoholic, 78 00:03:37,560 --> 00:03:40,800 but it probably exacerbated the problem. 79 00:03:40,800 --> 00:03:43,160 Like if I was an alcoholic, I probably, you know, 80 00:03:43,160 --> 00:03:45,480 that would have just been another thing that happened. 81 00:03:45,480 --> 00:03:47,320 So I grew up and my dad wasn't really like, 82 00:03:47,320 --> 00:03:49,200 he wasn't really around, like he was there. 83 00:03:49,200 --> 00:03:51,820 He didn't like leave, but like, he was always at work. 84 00:03:51,820 --> 00:03:54,660 It was kind of like, he became a workaholic instead. 85 00:03:54,660 --> 00:03:59,280 And so I sort of was like in charge of my 300 brothers. 86 00:03:59,280 --> 00:04:03,060 Like I was the dad, I kind of became the dad of the family. 87 00:04:03,060 --> 00:04:07,080 And my mom, you know, she did the best that she could, 88 00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:08,080 which was great. 89 00:04:08,080 --> 00:04:11,680 But like, because my dad wasn't really a dad or ever around, 90 00:04:11,680 --> 00:04:13,800 her attention was everything. 91 00:04:13,800 --> 00:04:16,240 Attention's probably my first like real addiction, 92 00:04:16,240 --> 00:04:19,920 'cause not just her, but anyone, anyone's attention. 93 00:04:19,920 --> 00:04:21,920 I hope that's what I wanted. 94 00:04:21,920 --> 00:04:25,640 When I was probably like in, I don't know, 95 00:04:25,640 --> 00:04:28,520 like second or third grade or whatever, 96 00:04:28,520 --> 00:04:30,800 there was a girl down the street that, 97 00:04:30,800 --> 00:04:33,680 well, short story, she blessed me. 98 00:04:33,680 --> 00:04:36,000 And that gave me a really messed up idea 99 00:04:36,000 --> 00:04:38,200 of what like women's attention was. 100 00:04:38,200 --> 00:04:41,320 Plus with my mom already being the one that like 101 00:04:41,320 --> 00:04:43,240 I totally dug the attention of, 102 00:04:43,240 --> 00:04:45,520 because like I need her approval 103 00:04:45,520 --> 00:04:47,160 because that's the only thing that like, 104 00:04:47,160 --> 00:04:50,000 as my little caveman brain thought kept me safe. 105 00:04:50,000 --> 00:04:55,000 And so going forward, like my messed up like perception 106 00:04:55,000 --> 00:05:00,560 of how relationships were supposed to be did not aid me. 107 00:05:00,560 --> 00:05:03,200 It was pretty much like do whatever I could 108 00:05:03,200 --> 00:05:06,800 to win the affection of every woman I ever met, 109 00:05:06,800 --> 00:05:09,920 because like every girl was the one that I loved. 110 00:05:09,920 --> 00:05:11,300 You know, it was, you know, 111 00:05:11,300 --> 00:05:13,640 everyone was the right one for me. 112 00:05:13,640 --> 00:05:15,560 And then for guys, it was more like, 113 00:05:15,560 --> 00:05:17,120 just don't show them who you really are 114 00:05:17,120 --> 00:05:18,520 so you don't get beat up and made fun of. 115 00:05:18,520 --> 00:05:21,560 So I never really like was myself around anyone either. 116 00:05:21,560 --> 00:05:24,900 Like, so I guess my second addiction was just lying. 117 00:05:24,900 --> 00:05:26,860 I always had a little partition with myself 118 00:05:26,860 --> 00:05:29,960 that was just like, I'll just keep this space for you. 119 00:05:29,960 --> 00:05:33,680 And then when I'm around you, I'll be that person instead. 120 00:05:33,680 --> 00:05:35,440 Obviously there were conflicts with that sometimes 121 00:05:35,440 --> 00:05:36,720 when those, you know, now I have, 122 00:05:36,720 --> 00:05:38,080 when both those people get in the same room 123 00:05:38,080 --> 00:05:39,360 and you have to pick which one, 124 00:05:39,360 --> 00:05:41,720 but I also get really good at lying and really good 125 00:05:41,720 --> 00:05:43,880 at people pleasing and schmoozing. 126 00:05:43,880 --> 00:05:46,580 When I started doing drugs later, 127 00:05:46,580 --> 00:05:49,400 I never had to pay for drugs if I didn't want to. 128 00:05:49,400 --> 00:05:51,400 I could always just get them from people 129 00:05:51,400 --> 00:05:55,700 because I could just be, I don't know, 130 00:05:55,700 --> 00:05:58,200 like just schmooze my, I don't know. 131 00:05:58,200 --> 00:06:00,800 One, people don't like to do drugs by themselves generally. 132 00:06:00,800 --> 00:06:05,800 And two, not everybody, but I hung out with the people 133 00:06:05,800 --> 00:06:09,000 that didn't want to do it by themselves. 134 00:06:09,000 --> 00:06:10,440 And yeah, they just give them to me 135 00:06:10,440 --> 00:06:12,500 'cause I could kind of just make them like me enough 136 00:06:12,500 --> 00:06:14,360 to get whatever I wanted. 137 00:06:14,360 --> 00:06:17,460 I also didn't really like alcohol right away. 138 00:06:17,460 --> 00:06:20,280 Like, I mean, it was cool, but like I've learned to drink, 139 00:06:20,280 --> 00:06:23,400 but I didn't go down like the volume drinking path 140 00:06:23,400 --> 00:06:25,120 like my brothers did. 141 00:06:25,120 --> 00:06:26,480 You know, they drink like light beers 142 00:06:26,480 --> 00:06:30,280 so that way they can just pound through like 24 case. 143 00:06:30,280 --> 00:06:31,840 I wanted IPAs. 144 00:06:31,840 --> 00:06:34,720 I thought I liked IPA, but what I really liked 145 00:06:34,720 --> 00:06:37,280 was just the alcohol content. 146 00:06:37,280 --> 00:06:39,960 'Cause like my favorite beer was like 12% alcohol. 147 00:06:39,960 --> 00:06:41,820 And when that kid touched my lips 148 00:06:41,820 --> 00:06:43,600 and I felt that shake go through my body, 149 00:06:43,600 --> 00:06:46,280 I was like, "Whoa, this tastes really good." 150 00:06:46,280 --> 00:06:47,440 That wasn't it. 151 00:06:47,440 --> 00:06:49,200 Like scotch, scotch was the, 152 00:06:49,200 --> 00:06:50,880 that was the thing that I got into. 153 00:06:50,880 --> 00:06:54,080 So I started drinking to work all the time 154 00:06:54,080 --> 00:06:56,920 after I got in, well, I guess it was just a minute. 155 00:06:56,920 --> 00:06:58,720 I met my now wife in Chicago. 156 00:06:58,720 --> 00:07:01,720 We went to film school together and we moved to LA. 157 00:07:01,720 --> 00:07:03,160 Where do you make films? 158 00:07:03,160 --> 00:07:07,620 And she was like, she was cool with drinking. 159 00:07:07,620 --> 00:07:09,520 She was cool with drugs, but like, 160 00:07:09,520 --> 00:07:11,060 she was very casual for her. 161 00:07:11,060 --> 00:07:13,360 She very much is not an addict. 162 00:07:13,360 --> 00:07:15,800 But I've showed her what good weed was. 163 00:07:15,800 --> 00:07:16,620 And she had been like, 164 00:07:16,620 --> 00:07:18,080 "I've never actually done high from weed. 165 00:07:18,080 --> 00:07:19,880 I've smoked it a lot, but I never got high 166 00:07:19,880 --> 00:07:21,720 'cause it just isn't it." 167 00:07:21,720 --> 00:07:24,080 I guess that's West Chicago weed. 168 00:07:24,080 --> 00:07:28,320 So we kind of went on a kick it out 169 00:07:28,320 --> 00:07:29,480 when we first came out here. 170 00:07:29,480 --> 00:07:30,520 'Cause it was like, well, cool. 171 00:07:30,520 --> 00:07:32,320 Now I can, oh, I have back problems 172 00:07:32,320 --> 00:07:33,680 so I can get a med card. 173 00:07:33,680 --> 00:07:35,000 And then it became legal. 174 00:07:35,000 --> 00:07:36,440 So I could just go, you know, 175 00:07:36,440 --> 00:07:39,320 oh, I'm 18 or older or 21 or older, whatever. 176 00:07:39,320 --> 00:07:40,540 You'll get weed. 177 00:07:40,540 --> 00:07:41,960 But she grew out of it. 178 00:07:41,960 --> 00:07:43,520 You know, like eventually she was like, 179 00:07:43,520 --> 00:07:45,040 all right, well, I guess we're done now, right? 180 00:07:45,040 --> 00:07:47,240 'Cause we're gonna like do our career thing now. 181 00:07:47,240 --> 00:07:50,560 And I resisted that a little bit, 182 00:07:50,560 --> 00:07:53,280 but by resist, I had it meant in my head, 183 00:07:53,280 --> 00:07:54,520 I was like, fuck that. 184 00:07:54,520 --> 00:07:56,280 Put outside, go off that. 185 00:07:56,280 --> 00:07:57,840 Yeah, sorry. 186 00:07:57,840 --> 00:07:59,640 But outside I said, yeah, of course, honey. 187 00:07:59,640 --> 00:08:00,760 Like that makes a lot of sense. 188 00:08:00,760 --> 00:08:02,440 Like, why don't we just take a break from that? 189 00:08:02,440 --> 00:08:05,160 And so I would just drive to the dispensary 190 00:08:05,160 --> 00:08:07,160 and just pick up vape pens and stuff 191 00:08:07,160 --> 00:08:08,400 'cause they don't really smell like anything 192 00:08:08,400 --> 00:08:10,100 and I could just get high. 193 00:08:10,100 --> 00:08:12,240 And I was also really good, at least I thought. 194 00:08:12,240 --> 00:08:14,880 I mean, she never really, it doesn't matter. 195 00:08:14,880 --> 00:08:17,340 I, at least I thought I was really good 196 00:08:17,340 --> 00:08:21,280 at not showing up, like I totally act normal. 197 00:08:21,280 --> 00:08:23,280 But maybe that just is my personality 198 00:08:23,280 --> 00:08:24,880 that I act like a stoner anyway. 199 00:08:24,880 --> 00:08:27,440 So people just think, oh, he's already high. 200 00:08:27,440 --> 00:08:30,680 I don't know, I guess it doesn't really matter. 201 00:08:30,680 --> 00:08:34,880 And it's that started to get harder to get access to 202 00:08:34,880 --> 00:08:37,240 'cause like, I mean, I don't know, it wasn't always like, 203 00:08:37,240 --> 00:08:38,960 I could just go run off the dispensary and do that 204 00:08:38,960 --> 00:08:40,320 'cause I'm really good at hiding, 205 00:08:40,320 --> 00:08:42,940 but I also got to like keep the lie. 206 00:08:42,940 --> 00:08:44,680 And we get caught, I can't do this anymore. 207 00:08:44,680 --> 00:08:46,640 So I just kind of up my alcohol intake. 208 00:08:46,640 --> 00:08:52,000 When we moved out here, since we've been playing the film, 209 00:08:52,000 --> 00:08:55,560 I worked at an animation studio that, 210 00:08:55,560 --> 00:08:57,300 I mean, we're just working like an old animation 211 00:08:57,300 --> 00:09:00,360 and it was great 'cause we could just smoke weed all day. 212 00:09:00,360 --> 00:09:02,400 Like that was the whole studio, it was 4/20, 213 00:09:02,400 --> 00:09:04,160 everybody outside, let's go smoke weed. 214 00:09:04,160 --> 00:09:06,640 All right, now let's keep working until like 10 p.m. 215 00:09:06,640 --> 00:09:08,420 My wife asked me, she's just like, 216 00:09:08,420 --> 00:09:10,800 I mean, I think that's crazy that they do that. 217 00:09:10,800 --> 00:09:13,180 You don't do that, no, of course they don't do that. 218 00:09:13,180 --> 00:09:15,480 My eyes are just red because I was out there with them 219 00:09:15,480 --> 00:09:18,120 and the smoke irritated my eyes. 220 00:09:18,120 --> 00:09:20,640 Then I got a job in a more corporate place 221 00:09:20,640 --> 00:09:23,620 and that turned out that weed wasn't really the thing there, 222 00:09:23,620 --> 00:09:24,600 but drinking was fine. 223 00:09:24,600 --> 00:09:26,720 We even had an office that was called Thurston. 224 00:09:26,720 --> 00:09:29,600 And if you went into Thurston's office, 225 00:09:29,600 --> 00:09:33,460 it was just a tiki bar, which was sweet. 226 00:09:33,460 --> 00:09:36,360 And our producers had like little, I'll trace. 227 00:09:36,360 --> 00:09:39,840 So I mean, the career, like Dan was saying, 228 00:09:39,840 --> 00:09:42,820 like you just drink, it was normal, it was pretty normal. 229 00:09:42,820 --> 00:09:44,880 But it wasn't normal, even that wasn't like 230 00:09:44,880 --> 00:09:45,740 good enough for me though. 231 00:09:45,740 --> 00:09:48,440 I still had to like have a bottle of scotch in my desk 232 00:09:48,440 --> 00:09:52,360 and like quietly smoke in my office, 233 00:09:52,360 --> 00:09:55,240 which that wasn't allowed, but no one's gonna take nicotine 234 00:09:55,240 --> 00:09:57,720 away from me, that one's not even a problem. 235 00:09:57,720 --> 00:09:59,880 So I would just work late and just get high 236 00:09:59,880 --> 00:10:01,560 and drink and stuff and then go home. 237 00:10:01,560 --> 00:10:05,860 I'm not sure how much work I actually got done there. 238 00:10:05,860 --> 00:10:10,860 See, oh, I also, before I started life, 239 00:10:10,860 --> 00:10:13,600 there was a period of time where I wasn't working 240 00:10:13,600 --> 00:10:16,660 and my wife had a job, so that was great for me. 241 00:10:16,660 --> 00:10:19,600 Oh my God, she worked and I could just be home all day. 242 00:10:19,600 --> 00:10:21,080 It was basically like being a teenager 243 00:10:21,080 --> 00:10:22,200 and my parents were gone. 244 00:10:22,200 --> 00:10:25,520 As long as I crammed really fast for the last hour 245 00:10:25,520 --> 00:10:28,400 of the day and got as much stuff done as I could 246 00:10:28,400 --> 00:10:29,520 and it looked like I was working all day. 247 00:10:29,520 --> 00:10:32,000 When really I was just like in my underwear, 248 00:10:32,000 --> 00:10:34,080 watching porn and doing drugs 249 00:10:34,080 --> 00:10:37,600 and then playing video games all day. 250 00:10:37,600 --> 00:10:42,360 And the guy who had just fired me, 251 00:10:42,360 --> 00:10:45,000 he lived nearby and we worked out of his house, 252 00:10:45,000 --> 00:10:48,300 well not fired, he just didn't want to pay us anymore. 253 00:10:48,300 --> 00:10:51,960 So he just locked us out of the house one day 254 00:10:51,960 --> 00:10:54,740 and slung us back inside, that was the whole thing. 255 00:10:54,740 --> 00:10:56,960 He was an eccentric artist. 256 00:10:56,960 --> 00:11:00,080 So I jumped his fence 'cause I knew his house lay out 257 00:11:00,080 --> 00:11:02,600 really well and he had one of these Michael Jackson doctors 258 00:11:02,600 --> 00:11:05,560 that he could get whatever he wanted for his bipolarism 259 00:11:05,560 --> 00:11:08,420 or schizophrenia or ADD, which I mean, 260 00:11:08,420 --> 00:11:10,120 he's probably actually all those things. 261 00:11:10,120 --> 00:11:12,480 So he had a little pharmacy above his counter 262 00:11:12,480 --> 00:11:14,160 and he'd offer me stuff every once in a while 263 00:11:14,160 --> 00:11:16,200 just so I could stay up and keep working. 264 00:11:16,200 --> 00:11:19,800 And so I knew he was there and so I haven't seen this guy 265 00:11:19,800 --> 00:11:22,480 in like a month and so I jumped his fence, 266 00:11:22,480 --> 00:11:24,920 I went through the back and went in there and stole 267 00:11:24,920 --> 00:11:26,360 like a bottle of dextrometaphine, 268 00:11:26,360 --> 00:11:30,680 which basically like skied and I got so much gardening done 269 00:11:30,680 --> 00:11:33,460 that week in my house, it was buried. 270 00:11:33,460 --> 00:11:36,480 The problem was it went away and it ran out. 271 00:11:36,480 --> 00:11:38,280 And so I started looking up, I get more and stuff. 272 00:11:38,280 --> 00:11:40,560 So basically like, it wasn't just alcohol, 273 00:11:40,560 --> 00:11:42,120 it was anything I could get my hands on. 274 00:11:42,120 --> 00:11:44,360 We had, I'll get sober in a second, 275 00:11:44,360 --> 00:11:48,760 but we had, we used to do fostering for these dogs. 276 00:11:48,760 --> 00:11:50,340 Fostering, you know, you're supposed to like, 277 00:11:50,340 --> 00:11:53,000 you're helping these dogs out, right? 278 00:11:53,000 --> 00:11:53,920 And I loved it. 279 00:11:53,920 --> 00:11:56,520 I would, yeah, I loved it. 280 00:11:56,520 --> 00:11:59,360 But one of the dogs we had, she's really old, 281 00:11:59,360 --> 00:12:03,320 she had hip dysplasia, she had like a muscle 282 00:12:03,320 --> 00:12:04,880 or tendon or something. 283 00:12:04,880 --> 00:12:06,440 So they gave her Tramadol, 284 00:12:06,440 --> 00:12:09,560 basically whenever I asked for it, just as needed. 285 00:12:09,560 --> 00:12:11,400 And so one of the first things I did was, 286 00:12:11,400 --> 00:12:13,240 is this the same as human Tramadol? 287 00:12:13,240 --> 00:12:16,240 And it was close enough. 288 00:12:16,240 --> 00:12:19,360 So that dog needed a lot of Tramadol. 289 00:12:20,200 --> 00:12:21,100 So I've been just, you know, 290 00:12:21,100 --> 00:12:23,880 taking like seven or eight pills of Tramadol at some point 291 00:12:23,880 --> 00:12:25,680 and drinking and, you know, getting high. 292 00:12:25,680 --> 00:12:28,900 And I still somehow got promoted again and again 293 00:12:28,900 --> 00:12:29,740 and again and again. 294 00:12:29,740 --> 00:12:31,320 I don't know, yeah, I don't know if that's, 295 00:12:31,320 --> 00:12:33,080 but I'm not sure if that was necessarily my skills 296 00:12:33,080 --> 00:12:36,360 or just like, I just was really like good at schmoozing, 297 00:12:36,360 --> 00:12:37,480 you know? 298 00:12:37,480 --> 00:12:41,320 I don't understand, people didn't see it, but anyway, 299 00:12:41,320 --> 00:12:42,800 the thing with women bit me in the ass 300 00:12:42,800 --> 00:12:46,480 because I couldn't just stay with one. 301 00:12:46,480 --> 00:12:48,720 I always had to have the attention of as many as possible 302 00:12:48,720 --> 00:12:51,240 because when one pissed me off, at least there was another. 303 00:12:51,240 --> 00:12:54,000 'Cause all my problems aren't really my problems. 304 00:12:54,000 --> 00:12:56,400 They're like the things I don't like about myself 305 00:12:56,400 --> 00:12:58,880 or the things I don't like about everybody else. 306 00:12:58,880 --> 00:13:00,600 Even if you don't actually do that, 307 00:13:00,600 --> 00:13:03,060 because I don't really want to look at myself. 308 00:13:03,060 --> 00:13:05,920 So I'll just take that self resentment, 309 00:13:05,920 --> 00:13:07,720 push it to other people. 310 00:13:07,720 --> 00:13:09,960 And basically do it to whoever's closest to me. 311 00:13:09,960 --> 00:13:11,360 So unfortunately that was my wife. 312 00:13:11,360 --> 00:13:13,280 It's like, well, not at the time she's still my wife, 313 00:13:13,280 --> 00:13:15,920 but at the time that was pointed at my wife. 314 00:13:15,920 --> 00:13:18,360 So she was the bad guy and the girls at work, 315 00:13:18,360 --> 00:13:20,480 well, they were not the bad guy. 316 00:13:20,480 --> 00:13:24,280 But as you can imagine, that did not work out well 317 00:13:24,280 --> 00:13:27,880 when I tried to just jump ship and run away. 318 00:13:27,880 --> 00:13:31,280 And you know, I thought my wife was gonna be like, 319 00:13:31,280 --> 00:13:33,120 "Fine, just go then." 320 00:13:33,120 --> 00:13:33,960 But she wasn't. 321 00:13:33,960 --> 00:13:35,480 She was like, "You just need help. 322 00:13:35,480 --> 00:13:38,040 "We need to just get this figured out." 323 00:13:38,040 --> 00:13:39,800 It was crazy. 324 00:13:39,800 --> 00:13:42,360 My whole world suddenly fell apart that like, 325 00:13:42,360 --> 00:13:46,240 wait, so this is, it was like for a moment I saw, 326 00:13:46,240 --> 00:13:47,080 oh wait, this is me. 327 00:13:47,080 --> 00:13:48,960 This isn't you, this isn't anybody else. 328 00:13:48,960 --> 00:13:51,520 This has actually been my problem this whole time. 329 00:13:51,520 --> 00:13:53,360 So like, I mean, I wish I could say 330 00:13:53,360 --> 00:13:54,760 that's where I got sober right away. 331 00:13:54,760 --> 00:13:58,720 But I did go to my neighbor who I knew was an alcoholic 332 00:13:58,720 --> 00:14:02,160 'cause we had talked about it before. 333 00:14:02,160 --> 00:14:04,600 And she used to go to this group, 334 00:14:04,600 --> 00:14:06,960 maybe Dayton, Dayton my sponsor. 335 00:14:06,960 --> 00:14:08,800 So I kept it in the family. 336 00:14:08,800 --> 00:14:12,360 But I was like, oh, I'm gonna go talk to her. 337 00:14:12,360 --> 00:14:13,400 I'm gonna talk to Cindy. 338 00:14:13,400 --> 00:14:15,480 I'm gonna go across the driveway. 339 00:14:15,480 --> 00:14:17,600 But first I gotta just, if this is the last time 340 00:14:17,600 --> 00:14:18,920 I'm gonna drink, I'm gonna, 341 00:14:18,920 --> 00:14:22,040 I pounded like a couple beers we had in the fridge. 342 00:14:22,040 --> 00:14:25,360 And the only alcohol we had was this nasty bottle of brandy 343 00:14:25,360 --> 00:14:27,440 that my brother bought once. 344 00:14:27,440 --> 00:14:29,680 You know, like plastic bottle brandy. 345 00:14:29,680 --> 00:14:31,040 But it was alcohol, so I was like, whatever. 346 00:14:31,040 --> 00:14:33,280 So I went over there and, you know, 347 00:14:33,280 --> 00:14:38,280 she asked me the 20 questions and all that stuff. 348 00:14:38,280 --> 00:14:40,560 And I was like, yeah, okay, wow. 349 00:14:40,560 --> 00:14:43,880 That was, you know, I knew what AA was already 350 00:14:43,880 --> 00:14:45,880 'cause my dad was an alcoholic 351 00:14:45,880 --> 00:14:47,560 and they didn't really tell me what that meant. 352 00:14:47,560 --> 00:14:49,560 I thought that meant like, if he drank alcohol, 353 00:14:49,560 --> 00:14:52,440 they told me if he drank alcohol, he was gonna die. 354 00:14:52,440 --> 00:14:54,600 But I thought that was like more literal 355 00:14:54,600 --> 00:14:56,040 in the sense of like, it was gonna like, 356 00:14:56,040 --> 00:14:58,680 he was gonna like go into cardiac arrest or something 357 00:14:58,680 --> 00:15:02,200 or, you know, be like drinking sulfuric acid or something. 358 00:15:02,200 --> 00:15:04,240 I understand, so when I realized, well, 359 00:15:04,240 --> 00:15:05,400 you can drink alcohol and not die, 360 00:15:05,400 --> 00:15:06,840 that was a stupid thing, you know, 361 00:15:06,840 --> 00:15:08,880 like they tell you that Santa's not gonna give you toys 362 00:15:08,880 --> 00:15:11,000 if you're not good or something. 363 00:15:11,000 --> 00:15:13,440 You know, it's just what parents say. 364 00:15:13,440 --> 00:15:15,560 I understand now what they meant. 365 00:15:15,560 --> 00:15:16,520 Yeah, I understand. 366 00:15:16,520 --> 00:15:18,440 So Cindy told me, all right, 367 00:15:18,440 --> 00:15:21,080 well, just don't drink for 24 hours. 368 00:15:21,080 --> 00:15:23,360 Think you can't, do you think you can do that? 369 00:15:23,360 --> 00:15:26,160 Sure, I did manage to do that. 370 00:15:26,160 --> 00:15:28,560 So we went to the Valley Club meeting the next day 371 00:15:28,560 --> 00:15:31,240 and then the next meeting I went to 372 00:15:31,240 --> 00:15:33,520 was the Saturday speaker meeting 373 00:15:33,520 --> 00:15:37,560 back at the other place here with quality of life. 374 00:15:37,560 --> 00:15:40,680 And, you know, as far as picking a sponsor went, 375 00:15:40,680 --> 00:15:44,000 I went with what I thought was like safe idea. 376 00:15:44,000 --> 00:15:45,720 'Cause I'm like, all right, well, I already know this guy. 377 00:15:45,720 --> 00:15:47,280 I've seen him like take the trash out, 378 00:15:47,280 --> 00:15:48,240 like it's Cindy's house. 379 00:15:48,240 --> 00:15:50,600 So like we kind of have a rapport 380 00:15:50,600 --> 00:15:54,120 and, you know, like I felt like, 381 00:15:54,120 --> 00:15:56,560 it was almost like I thought my old thinking was like, 382 00:15:56,560 --> 00:15:59,120 well, he'll go easy on me because I like know him. 383 00:15:59,120 --> 00:16:02,360 I mean, to be honest, I barely knew him 384 00:16:02,360 --> 00:16:05,800 aside from him just being like my neighbor's boyfriend. 385 00:16:06,680 --> 00:16:11,160 And in hindsight, well, not like then my next thought 386 00:16:11,160 --> 00:16:12,560 was like, oh shoot, why did they do this? 387 00:16:12,560 --> 00:16:13,920 This guy like knows where I live. 388 00:16:13,920 --> 00:16:17,760 If I stop coming, like, you just show up. 389 00:16:17,760 --> 00:16:20,160 Like every time, you know, especially early on, 390 00:16:20,160 --> 00:16:21,640 you know, I'd see his bike truck out there 391 00:16:21,640 --> 00:16:25,680 and be like, oh, but I see that worked out 392 00:16:25,680 --> 00:16:27,360 pretty good for me. 393 00:16:27,360 --> 00:16:30,200 Yeah, it worked out really good. 394 00:16:30,200 --> 00:16:32,600 It's fun 'cause I'll be in the garage 395 00:16:32,600 --> 00:16:34,880 working on something and headphones blaring. 396 00:16:34,880 --> 00:16:37,200 And so I was gonna sneak up behind me, you know, 397 00:16:37,200 --> 00:16:38,320 and say, oh, hey, John. 398 00:16:38,320 --> 00:16:40,320 Oh my God, Bill, you came out of nowhere. 399 00:16:40,320 --> 00:16:43,760 You know, I was seven foot over every once in a while. 400 00:16:43,760 --> 00:16:46,600 So that actually turned out really nice. 401 00:16:46,600 --> 00:16:49,600 Yeah, I didn't have to do much more in meeting shopping 402 00:16:49,600 --> 00:16:51,760 or home group shopping. 403 00:16:51,760 --> 00:16:53,280 I forget what it's called. 404 00:16:53,280 --> 00:16:55,880 Once I came here, I was like, this is where I need to be. 405 00:16:55,880 --> 00:16:59,120 But this is so much different than I thought 406 00:16:59,120 --> 00:17:01,440 AA was gonna be like, 'cause when I worked, 407 00:17:01,440 --> 00:17:05,160 I worked at this auto mechanic place, this mechanic. 408 00:17:05,160 --> 00:17:09,240 And across the street, there was, it was called, 409 00:17:09,240 --> 00:17:10,960 I still remember, it was called the Alana Club. 410 00:17:10,960 --> 00:17:14,760 And there are always these big like biker dudes 411 00:17:14,760 --> 00:17:17,680 and semi-truck drivers or whatever, you know, 412 00:17:17,680 --> 00:17:21,280 smoking out there and farmers, lots of farmers too. 413 00:17:21,280 --> 00:17:23,800 Yeah, lots of corn all over the place, so much corn. 414 00:17:23,800 --> 00:17:27,160 And, you know, I knew that, you know, 415 00:17:27,160 --> 00:17:28,560 eventually someone told me, oh, that's an AA crew. 416 00:17:28,560 --> 00:17:30,000 Oh, okay, that's interesting. 417 00:17:30,000 --> 00:17:31,400 Didn't really understand what that meant. 418 00:17:31,400 --> 00:17:34,680 Like, I guess I thought like, maybe they'd lick or, 419 00:17:34,680 --> 00:17:38,640 I just didn't know, like I knew what it was 420 00:17:38,640 --> 00:17:41,800 as far as like, you know, like it's, they're alcoholics, 421 00:17:41,800 --> 00:17:43,720 they're in recovery and they're hanging out 422 00:17:43,720 --> 00:17:45,880 and you know, getting lung cancer 423 00:17:45,880 --> 00:17:47,440 so they don't drink anymore. 424 00:17:47,440 --> 00:17:50,320 'Cause that's all they ever do is stand outside and smoke. 425 00:17:50,320 --> 00:17:51,680 But they're all really nice. 426 00:17:51,680 --> 00:17:54,320 I remember this one time I was pulling a car 427 00:17:54,320 --> 00:17:56,000 into the shop or whatever, 428 00:17:56,000 --> 00:17:57,880 and I don't remember why the car was supposed to be there, 429 00:17:57,880 --> 00:17:59,200 but the whole left wheel fell off. 430 00:17:59,200 --> 00:18:01,040 Like the ball joint separated 431 00:18:01,040 --> 00:18:02,960 and the whole thing just, and I'm taking left turns. 432 00:18:02,960 --> 00:18:04,400 So now I'm blocking traffic or whatever, 433 00:18:04,400 --> 00:18:05,240 and I'm like freaking out. 434 00:18:05,240 --> 00:18:06,760 I'm like, oh my God, what am I gonna do? 435 00:18:06,760 --> 00:18:11,000 And all these dudes from AA across the street 436 00:18:11,000 --> 00:18:13,240 from the Alano Club, they like to get the jacket, 437 00:18:13,240 --> 00:18:14,640 to get this wheel underneath of it, 438 00:18:14,640 --> 00:18:16,600 like a little stand with a couple of wheels 439 00:18:16,600 --> 00:18:18,960 that just slide it in the rest of the way. 440 00:18:18,960 --> 00:18:20,640 They just all got next to the car 441 00:18:20,640 --> 00:18:21,960 and lifted up the corner. 442 00:18:21,960 --> 00:18:24,040 So I just got to slide this thing under 443 00:18:24,040 --> 00:18:25,800 that I didn't even ask him. 444 00:18:25,800 --> 00:18:29,000 I just came over to help. 445 00:18:29,000 --> 00:18:30,960 So I never really had anything against AA. 446 00:18:30,960 --> 00:18:33,120 I just didn't think it was for me, you know. 447 00:18:33,120 --> 00:18:35,520 The reason I originally came here was just so I wasn't, 448 00:18:35,520 --> 00:18:38,560 just so I stopped, you know, stopped being in trouble. 449 00:18:38,560 --> 00:18:40,200 That's why I did anything. 450 00:18:40,200 --> 00:18:43,480 I, yeah, I just, you know, 451 00:18:43,480 --> 00:18:45,040 like once I asked Bill to be my sponsor, 452 00:18:45,040 --> 00:18:46,720 he said, you know, you got to read the book, 453 00:18:46,720 --> 00:18:49,040 big book cover to cover, 90 meetings, 90 days. 454 00:18:49,040 --> 00:18:50,160 Then we'll start step one. 455 00:18:50,160 --> 00:18:52,240 Oh, and you got to get commitments at every meeting. 456 00:18:52,240 --> 00:18:53,600 Okay, cool. 457 00:18:53,600 --> 00:18:54,960 So I got to do the meetings. 458 00:18:54,960 --> 00:18:56,200 I got to get commitments. 459 00:18:56,200 --> 00:18:58,760 I get all these commitments and then the 99 is over. 460 00:18:58,760 --> 00:19:00,720 And it's like, well, wait, I still have to go every day though 461 00:19:00,720 --> 00:19:02,900 because I have commitments at every meeting. 462 00:19:02,900 --> 00:19:04,120 So that was a trick. 463 00:19:04,120 --> 00:19:09,320 You know, I realized now that I wasn't it like, 464 00:19:09,320 --> 00:19:11,160 at the time I was like, that's just like a punishment. 465 00:19:11,160 --> 00:19:13,320 You know, I just got to do this so that way 466 00:19:13,320 --> 00:19:15,200 I'm not in trouble anymore. 467 00:19:15,200 --> 00:19:17,160 It's just that how my whole life was like, 468 00:19:17,160 --> 00:19:19,720 if something was out of my control, I just was like, 469 00:19:19,720 --> 00:19:21,640 I just have the power through and the other side 470 00:19:21,640 --> 00:19:23,080 I can do whatever I want. 471 00:19:23,080 --> 00:19:24,480 And that sort of started to happen 472 00:19:24,480 --> 00:19:29,320 because my original sobriety jade was November 18th. 473 00:19:29,320 --> 00:19:31,520 But things started to get a little better 474 00:19:31,520 --> 00:19:34,920 in March of 2019, 2020, sorry. 475 00:19:34,920 --> 00:19:39,920 Like Sarah, my wife, it wasn't a fight every day. 476 00:19:39,920 --> 00:19:43,440 You know, she was seeing the changes, the progress. 477 00:19:43,440 --> 00:19:45,640 She saw me going to the meetings every day 478 00:19:45,640 --> 00:19:46,720 and I got comfortable. 479 00:19:46,720 --> 00:19:48,960 I just got a little comfortable, a little too comfortable. 480 00:19:48,960 --> 00:19:53,040 And she was a little stressed out and we still had weed. 481 00:19:53,040 --> 00:19:54,920 So I was like, why don't you just smoke a bowl? 482 00:19:54,920 --> 00:19:58,120 I won't smoke, you know, I won't smoke at all, that's fine. 483 00:19:58,120 --> 00:20:00,280 She was like, oh, you know, she, you know, 484 00:20:00,280 --> 00:20:03,800 but what's funny is she didn't even think to smoke. 485 00:20:03,800 --> 00:20:06,400 I was like pushing this on her, why don't you smoke, smoke, 486 00:20:06,400 --> 00:20:09,760 smoke, you know, if you get high, you'll feel better. 487 00:20:09,760 --> 00:20:11,920 I can't do it, but you should do it, you know? 488 00:20:11,920 --> 00:20:14,760 And when I told her that I wasn't planning on like 489 00:20:14,760 --> 00:20:19,760 going to hit that dirty bowl afterwards, but I did. 490 00:20:19,760 --> 00:20:21,960 'Cause I was, you know, I was cleaning it out 491 00:20:21,960 --> 00:20:24,480 and just make sure it's fine. 492 00:20:24,480 --> 00:20:26,360 And then I told myself, okay, that was stupid, 493 00:20:26,360 --> 00:20:28,240 but like, I'm not going to do it again. 494 00:20:28,240 --> 00:20:30,440 So, and I did it a second time, of course. 495 00:20:30,440 --> 00:20:32,760 And I was like, all right, well, but it only happened twice. 496 00:20:32,760 --> 00:20:34,600 So as long as I don't do it a third time, 497 00:20:34,600 --> 00:20:37,600 like 'cause three strikes you're out, like baseball. 498 00:20:37,600 --> 00:20:41,440 And then I did that too, but by now the weed was gone. 499 00:20:41,440 --> 00:20:44,320 So like, I guess, actually I'm not sure if it was, 500 00:20:44,320 --> 00:20:45,760 but I think Sarah hit it or something. 501 00:20:45,760 --> 00:20:49,100 I think she just stopped doing it, I don't remember. 502 00:20:49,100 --> 00:20:51,240 But what's great is now I don't actually care. 503 00:20:51,240 --> 00:20:54,080 The thing was is six months or so later 504 00:20:54,080 --> 00:20:56,080 when my birthday was coming up, 505 00:20:56,080 --> 00:20:59,460 yeah, I told Bella that wasn't actually what had happened. 506 00:20:59,460 --> 00:21:05,400 And yeah, my wife was pretty pissed. 507 00:21:05,400 --> 00:21:08,920 You know, so I had to apologize to a bunch of people 508 00:21:08,920 --> 00:21:10,280 and Bill explained, well, you're obviously 509 00:21:10,280 --> 00:21:11,920 going to have to tell everyone. 510 00:21:11,920 --> 00:21:16,920 So I told everyone and now my Friday date is March 28th. 511 00:21:16,920 --> 00:21:19,160 It was a good lesson learned there though. 512 00:21:19,160 --> 00:21:23,360 'Cause like what I really learned was that I can't just, 513 00:21:23,360 --> 00:21:24,200 well, I can't do it on my own. 514 00:21:24,200 --> 00:21:25,440 Like that was really what it was. 515 00:21:25,440 --> 00:21:27,260 It was like, just for a moment, I think I just looked like, 516 00:21:27,260 --> 00:21:28,640 I'm going to take this power back. 517 00:21:28,640 --> 00:21:30,720 'Cause like, look at all this stuff I learned in AA. 518 00:21:30,720 --> 00:21:33,440 Cool, well now I can go use it on my own. 519 00:21:33,440 --> 00:21:35,100 For me anyway, that's not how it works. 520 00:21:35,100 --> 00:21:38,320 I got to do it here, I got to do it with everybody here. 521 00:21:38,320 --> 00:21:39,320 Even when I don't want to, 522 00:21:39,320 --> 00:21:41,320 although what's cool about coming to meetings now 523 00:21:41,320 --> 00:21:43,100 is I actually like coming to meetings. 524 00:21:43,100 --> 00:21:44,960 Like I actually want to come, you know? 525 00:21:44,960 --> 00:21:47,720 Like I remember for a while, especially after COVID 526 00:21:47,720 --> 00:21:50,040 and we all like, we just cut it down to three meetings 527 00:21:50,040 --> 00:21:51,060 and Saturday was one. 528 00:21:51,060 --> 00:21:52,160 And I was like, well, that's not a big deal 529 00:21:52,160 --> 00:21:53,920 because we're just doing it from Zoom. 530 00:21:53,920 --> 00:21:56,840 But then we came back and I was like, oh, Saturdays. 531 00:21:56,840 --> 00:21:59,160 Oh, my Saturdays are ruined now. 532 00:21:59,160 --> 00:22:02,300 Actually, totally not, totally the opposite. 533 00:22:02,300 --> 00:22:07,000 That thankfully wasn't my thought process for very long 534 00:22:07,000 --> 00:22:10,140 because I think I've learned to more quickly realize 535 00:22:10,140 --> 00:22:13,120 when I'm, I don't know, just being a selfish prick. 536 00:22:13,120 --> 00:22:16,720 No, I don't think it's fluff already. 537 00:22:16,720 --> 00:22:21,800 Like, so since my day is kind of like going to be, 538 00:22:21,800 --> 00:22:25,580 the backdrop's going to be this, I've found other ways 539 00:22:25,580 --> 00:22:28,600 to do service at the beginning of the day. 540 00:22:28,600 --> 00:22:32,000 So Saturday is like kind of a fun work day, you know? 541 00:22:32,000 --> 00:22:37,000 Like I do some stuff in the California Wildlife Center 542 00:22:37,000 --> 00:22:39,840 and in the morning, which is a blast 543 00:22:39,840 --> 00:22:42,000 and which I've never wanted to do before 544 00:22:42,000 --> 00:22:43,340 because it was a commitment. 545 00:22:43,340 --> 00:22:45,560 It was like a six month long commitment at least. 546 00:22:45,560 --> 00:22:47,040 And I was like, that seems insane to me. 547 00:22:47,040 --> 00:22:49,720 I don't want to have to make sure that every Saturday morning 548 00:22:49,720 --> 00:22:51,640 this is something I got to do. 549 00:22:51,640 --> 00:22:53,040 But then I came here and it was like, 550 00:22:53,040 --> 00:22:54,320 well, six month commitment doesn't really seem 551 00:22:54,320 --> 00:22:58,340 like a big deal because I have a commitment every day now 552 00:22:58,340 --> 00:22:59,880 for like a year. 553 00:22:59,880 --> 00:23:04,460 But really I see that this has all just been me growing up. 554 00:23:04,460 --> 00:23:09,040 I just did not grow up emotionally, spiritually, 555 00:23:09,040 --> 00:23:12,280 everything but physically, mentally. 556 00:23:12,280 --> 00:23:14,600 Like somewhere in between 10 and 20, 557 00:23:14,600 --> 00:23:18,420 the various parts of me were stuck. 558 00:23:18,420 --> 00:23:21,480 And I'm just trying to catch up, kind of. 559 00:23:21,480 --> 00:23:23,120 I think another part of my first sobriety 560 00:23:23,120 --> 00:23:25,200 that didn't work out great was this mentality 561 00:23:25,200 --> 00:23:27,720 that I had to catch up, that I had to do as fast as I could. 562 00:23:27,720 --> 00:23:29,360 Like I have a lot of time to catch up on. 563 00:23:29,360 --> 00:23:31,240 Like, shit, I got to catch up to off. 564 00:23:31,240 --> 00:23:33,040 I got to catch up to everybody else. 565 00:23:33,040 --> 00:23:36,000 Like I realized that I am really behind emotionally. 566 00:23:36,000 --> 00:23:38,000 I realized I'm really behind spiritually. 567 00:23:38,000 --> 00:23:40,440 I realized I'm just behind. 568 00:23:40,440 --> 00:23:43,520 So if I just do this as fast as I can, well cool. 569 00:23:43,520 --> 00:23:45,720 And I'll catch up and I'll be better. 570 00:23:45,720 --> 00:23:49,320 But you know, sometimes you can't do it well 571 00:23:49,320 --> 00:23:50,780 and also do it fast. 572 00:23:51,640 --> 00:23:53,800 So I had to kind of give up that idea. 573 00:23:53,800 --> 00:23:55,600 I had to give up a lot of things, 574 00:23:55,600 --> 00:23:56,980 but I think that's surrender. 575 00:23:56,980 --> 00:23:58,680 You know, I had to surrender the fact 576 00:23:58,680 --> 00:24:01,020 that there are a lot of things that I can't do now. 577 00:24:01,020 --> 00:24:04,120 There are a lot of things I have to do now 578 00:24:04,120 --> 00:24:07,120 if I want things to stay the way they are. 579 00:24:07,120 --> 00:24:09,960 Like my life is the best it's ever been. 580 00:24:09,960 --> 00:24:12,460 And that's no joke. 581 00:24:12,460 --> 00:24:15,480 It's literally the best that's ever been. 582 00:24:15,480 --> 00:24:19,160 And COVID couldn't have happened at a better time for me 583 00:24:19,160 --> 00:24:22,920 because I would have had such a harder time 584 00:24:22,920 --> 00:24:24,560 if I had to go to work every day 585 00:24:24,560 --> 00:24:27,480 and be around the people that I used to be around. 586 00:24:27,480 --> 00:24:29,200 I mean, I surround myself with people 587 00:24:29,200 --> 00:24:31,660 that liked the way I was, 588 00:24:31,660 --> 00:24:33,660 at least the bad parts of it, you know? 589 00:24:33,660 --> 00:24:34,680 'Cause then there were all the parts 590 00:24:34,680 --> 00:24:36,760 that they thought were good, but that wasn't even real 591 00:24:36,760 --> 00:24:39,060 'cause that was just whatever they wanted. 592 00:24:39,060 --> 00:24:41,800 Work-wise, yeah, I mean, I got out of that old job. 593 00:24:41,800 --> 00:24:44,060 I hopped around a couple of places 594 00:24:44,060 --> 00:24:46,200 and I'm working at a place 595 00:24:46,200 --> 00:24:50,040 that is exactly what I always wanted to work on 596 00:24:50,040 --> 00:24:52,340 since I wanted to get into movies, 597 00:24:52,340 --> 00:24:56,480 since I watched "Jurassic Park" as a kid 598 00:24:56,480 --> 00:24:58,080 and was like, "Oh, I wanna do that. 599 00:24:58,080 --> 00:24:59,600 "That's what I wanna do." 600 00:24:59,600 --> 00:25:00,520 And that's crazy. 601 00:25:00,520 --> 00:25:04,180 There are these weird things that I'm starting to do now 602 00:25:04,180 --> 00:25:07,720 that somewhere earlier I was really into 603 00:25:07,720 --> 00:25:09,880 playing around with cameras a lot more lately. 604 00:25:09,880 --> 00:25:13,000 And what's crazy about that is when I was 10 to 14, 605 00:25:13,000 --> 00:25:16,600 about where I think I emotionally got stunted, 606 00:25:16,600 --> 00:25:17,500 that was what I was into. 607 00:25:17,500 --> 00:25:18,400 I was super into that. 608 00:25:18,400 --> 00:25:20,760 And then somewhere along the lines, I became, 609 00:25:20,760 --> 00:25:22,640 well, that's not what I need to be into 610 00:25:22,640 --> 00:25:24,880 because I need to get girls. 611 00:25:24,880 --> 00:25:26,440 What do I need to be into to get girls? 612 00:25:26,440 --> 00:25:28,120 I'm gonna learn to play the guitar. 613 00:25:28,120 --> 00:25:29,200 I'm gonna start a band. 614 00:25:29,200 --> 00:25:30,800 I'm gonna get into a band. 615 00:25:30,800 --> 00:25:32,180 I'm in a band now. 616 00:25:32,180 --> 00:25:35,640 You know, sex, drugs, and rock and roll. 617 00:25:35,640 --> 00:25:37,860 And the only thing I can really keep playing now 618 00:25:37,860 --> 00:25:38,940 is a band, I guess. 619 00:25:40,160 --> 00:25:44,000 I mean, there was a lot of guys, 620 00:25:44,000 --> 00:25:45,640 like they all thought they were DJs. 621 00:25:45,640 --> 00:25:48,880 They had rented out one whole floor of an apartment building 622 00:25:48,880 --> 00:25:51,300 and took all the doors off the hinges. 623 00:25:51,300 --> 00:25:56,300 Like, and everybody was, it was just garbage, laundry, 624 00:25:56,300 --> 00:25:59,280 and like drugs everywhere. 625 00:25:59,280 --> 00:26:01,520 And everyone just, that's the cocaine room, 626 00:26:01,520 --> 00:26:02,800 that's the weed room. 627 00:26:02,800 --> 00:26:05,400 You wanna do some ecstasy, you can go roll over there. 628 00:26:05,400 --> 00:26:06,880 Like, man, that place was awesome. 629 00:26:06,880 --> 00:26:09,160 But no one knew these people were actually very talented. 630 00:26:09,160 --> 00:26:11,320 Like, I think everyone just thought they were, you know? 631 00:26:11,320 --> 00:26:13,600 But it was cool with me because like the lead singer 632 00:26:13,600 --> 00:26:16,220 in my band was into this and he was gonna, you know, 633 00:26:16,220 --> 00:26:18,780 if I hung out with him and I got these people like me, 634 00:26:18,780 --> 00:26:20,280 cool, free drugs. 635 00:26:20,280 --> 00:26:23,600 So I liked the whole rock and roll scene, you know, 636 00:26:23,600 --> 00:26:24,560 the whole band thing. 637 00:26:24,560 --> 00:26:25,560 And it wasn't even rock and roll. 638 00:26:25,560 --> 00:26:27,480 I was like a cover band for, 639 00:26:27,480 --> 00:26:30,280 we just covered like the Red Hot Chili Peppers and stuff. 640 00:26:30,280 --> 00:26:32,360 And I thought I was so cool. 641 00:26:32,360 --> 00:26:35,600 Man, I mean, I don't regret learning guitar, 642 00:26:35,600 --> 00:26:37,960 but like, it was not for the right reasons, you know? 643 00:26:37,960 --> 00:26:41,200 Like it wasn't because like, oh, I like guitar so much. 644 00:26:41,200 --> 00:26:42,360 I didn't do anything for the reasons 645 00:26:42,360 --> 00:26:44,040 that like I actually liked it anymore. 646 00:26:44,040 --> 00:26:45,960 I did it because I thought you'd like it. 647 00:26:45,960 --> 00:26:47,760 I did it because I thought you'd like it. 648 00:26:47,760 --> 00:26:50,420 I did it because I thought that would make you like me. 649 00:26:50,420 --> 00:26:54,280 I'm really happy that I can get in touch with, I don't know, 650 00:26:54,280 --> 00:26:56,480 maybe figuring out who I actually am. 651 00:26:56,480 --> 00:26:59,060 Granted, thankfully, I only have two years of sobriety now. 652 00:26:59,060 --> 00:27:00,840 So what's the limit? 653 00:27:00,840 --> 00:27:04,160 Like how old do you have to be to normally go to the same day? 654 00:27:04,160 --> 00:27:06,680 So in eight years, like I'm gonna come back 655 00:27:06,680 --> 00:27:10,760 and I probably hopefully have a better idea of who that is. 656 00:27:10,760 --> 00:27:11,680 And you know what? 657 00:27:11,680 --> 00:27:14,420 Maybe I'll also be a crotchety old AA. 658 00:27:14,420 --> 00:27:15,740 I hope so, man. 659 00:27:15,740 --> 00:27:18,200 You know, I love everybody here. 660 00:27:18,200 --> 00:27:19,840 This is great. 661 00:27:19,840 --> 00:27:21,480 Like the reason I love this group so much 662 00:27:21,480 --> 00:27:25,160 is 'cause like I said, I grew up in a Catholic church 663 00:27:25,160 --> 00:27:27,720 and that higher power's gonna work out for me. 664 00:27:27,720 --> 00:27:29,960 Like I was really close to the higher power 665 00:27:29,960 --> 00:27:31,560 that like I have now, then, 666 00:27:31,560 --> 00:27:33,960 but I kept being told by everybody that that's the wrong one. 667 00:27:33,960 --> 00:27:37,640 That's like, that's not how it works, you know? 668 00:27:37,640 --> 00:27:39,940 You gotta follow these rules, you gotta do these other things 669 00:27:39,940 --> 00:27:42,280 you know, that's not it. 670 00:27:42,280 --> 00:27:45,120 These rules are really the only rules that I need. 671 00:27:45,120 --> 00:27:47,680 And yeah, they're suggestions. 672 00:27:47,680 --> 00:27:49,680 Thank you, I like that, yeah, yeah. 673 00:27:49,680 --> 00:27:51,520 You know, 'cause God doesn't take attendance. 674 00:27:51,520 --> 00:27:53,080 He doesn't like, I mean, he's just, 675 00:27:53,080 --> 00:27:56,160 for me, my higher power is just like one of my best friends, 676 00:27:56,160 --> 00:27:57,400 just my buddy. 677 00:27:57,400 --> 00:27:59,180 And I remember where I was going with that. 678 00:27:59,180 --> 00:28:00,760 Oh yeah. 679 00:28:00,760 --> 00:28:03,640 One of the things I did like about like youth groups 680 00:28:03,640 --> 00:28:05,800 and all that stuff from growing up in the church 681 00:28:05,800 --> 00:28:07,400 was the community. 682 00:28:07,400 --> 00:28:09,360 Like when you actually find those places 683 00:28:09,360 --> 00:28:10,840 that had like a really nice community, 684 00:28:10,840 --> 00:28:13,720 'cause I mean, sometimes it's just like wasp bickering 685 00:28:13,720 --> 00:28:15,160 and sometimes it's cliques. 686 00:28:15,160 --> 00:28:17,120 But sometimes you'd actually get a group of people 687 00:28:17,120 --> 00:28:19,020 that really actually learned to love each other 688 00:28:19,020 --> 00:28:21,040 and you became like a family. 689 00:28:21,040 --> 00:28:22,880 And that's what I dug here. 690 00:28:22,880 --> 00:28:25,620 And I knew that from like the second I came in here, 691 00:28:25,620 --> 00:28:29,140 like I came into this group with Cindy and Sad X to Bill 692 00:28:29,140 --> 00:28:32,080 and I don't remember who the speaker was that Saturday, 693 00:28:32,080 --> 00:28:33,360 I don't remember much from then, 694 00:28:33,360 --> 00:28:36,120 but I remember that I loved it and being like, 695 00:28:36,120 --> 00:28:37,380 "Okay, this is it. 696 00:28:37,380 --> 00:28:40,300 This is way better than like I thought it was gonna be." 697 00:28:40,300 --> 00:28:41,680 Actually, I've never been to an AA meeting 698 00:28:41,680 --> 00:28:44,000 that was ever like what I thought it was gonna be. 699 00:28:44,000 --> 00:28:46,500 I'm not even sure what that is anymore. 700 00:28:46,500 --> 00:28:47,520 I guess I thought it was gonna be 701 00:28:47,520 --> 00:28:49,120 a bunch of rough biker dudes 702 00:28:49,120 --> 00:28:51,700 all like angrily slapping each other around the back 703 00:28:51,700 --> 00:28:53,240 or whatever, I don't know. 704 00:28:53,240 --> 00:28:56,800 I really warped sense of what masculinity was too, I guess. 705 00:28:56,800 --> 00:28:59,340 Yeah, trying to think of what else to say. 706 00:29:00,440 --> 00:29:04,680 I really am just grateful that now that I'm here. 707 00:29:04,680 --> 00:29:06,360 It's only been two years of sobriety, 708 00:29:06,360 --> 00:29:08,760 but like knock on wood. 709 00:29:08,760 --> 00:29:11,440 It really seems so much different than it was two years ago. 710 00:29:11,440 --> 00:29:13,960 Like it is insane how much different it is, 711 00:29:13,960 --> 00:29:16,680 but also some of it's like weirdly familiar. 712 00:29:16,680 --> 00:29:19,480 Like, "Oh, I forgot I liked this thing. 713 00:29:19,480 --> 00:29:21,600 Oh, I forgot you could feel this way." 714 00:29:21,600 --> 00:29:25,200 Like there are things that I haven't felt or experienced 715 00:29:25,200 --> 00:29:26,780 in 20 years. 716 00:29:26,780 --> 00:29:27,620 And then there are things 717 00:29:27,620 --> 00:29:30,520 that I've never felt or experienced, you know, 718 00:29:30,520 --> 00:29:32,920 that I guess normal people do. 719 00:29:32,920 --> 00:29:35,720 And when I tell my wife, "Hey, I feel this way. 720 00:29:35,720 --> 00:29:37,560 Isn't it great? Or doesn't this suck?" 721 00:29:37,560 --> 00:29:39,600 She's like, "You never felt that way before? 722 00:29:39,600 --> 00:29:40,840 Like what's wrong with you?" 723 00:29:40,840 --> 00:29:42,520 Like, "Nah, I didn't." 724 00:29:42,520 --> 00:29:44,120 She says, "Oh, I just have to remind myself 725 00:29:44,120 --> 00:29:47,520 that you're like 20 years younger than me in some ways." 726 00:29:47,520 --> 00:29:50,160 And I say, "Yeah, I guess so. I guess so. 727 00:29:50,160 --> 00:29:51,380 I guess I can figure that out." 728 00:29:51,380 --> 00:29:53,760 But that's what I'm here for, you know? 729 00:29:53,760 --> 00:29:54,780 I am figuring it out. 730 00:29:54,780 --> 00:29:56,740 And it's pretty sweet to have an example 731 00:29:56,740 --> 00:29:58,420 because like whether or not, 732 00:29:58,420 --> 00:30:00,960 like Bruce said this actually just before the meeting, 733 00:30:00,960 --> 00:30:02,720 was like, "We're all an example of aid. 734 00:30:02,720 --> 00:30:04,300 You just decide whether we're going to be a good, 735 00:30:04,300 --> 00:30:05,960 you know, what kind of example you're going to be." 736 00:30:05,960 --> 00:30:08,500 And to be honest, both examples are helpful for me 737 00:30:08,500 --> 00:30:11,240 because I can learn that's a good way to do it. 738 00:30:11,240 --> 00:30:14,140 And that maybe isn't the way it's going to work for me. 739 00:30:14,140 --> 00:30:18,800 And yeah, it makes me think I'm generally the kind of person 740 00:30:18,800 --> 00:30:20,160 that learns by doing something. 741 00:30:20,160 --> 00:30:23,560 Like you can give me a book and tell me, "Learn this thing." 742 00:30:23,560 --> 00:30:25,840 But until I actually have to like sit down 743 00:30:25,840 --> 00:30:27,840 and find an application for it, I don't care. 744 00:30:27,840 --> 00:30:28,920 Like I hated math. 745 00:30:28,920 --> 00:30:31,000 I hated math, but I'm actually really good at math, 746 00:30:31,000 --> 00:30:31,820 turns out. 747 00:30:31,820 --> 00:30:34,320 But I didn't find that out until like a couple of years ago 748 00:30:34,320 --> 00:30:35,700 when I actually had to start using it at work. 749 00:30:35,700 --> 00:30:37,260 And I was like, "Oh, this is great. This is fun. 750 00:30:37,260 --> 00:30:39,480 I actually like this. Weird." 751 00:30:39,480 --> 00:30:41,800 And I guess I had to figure that out too with sobriety. 752 00:30:41,800 --> 00:30:44,080 I had to figure out, "So what's it like to go out?" 753 00:30:44,080 --> 00:30:46,880 But what's crazy about that is everyone here 754 00:30:46,880 --> 00:30:48,760 was not that surprised. 755 00:30:48,760 --> 00:30:50,400 I mean, I get like, kind of like, 756 00:30:50,400 --> 00:30:52,880 I get kind of like, you know, 757 00:30:52,880 --> 00:30:54,320 teased every once in a while about it, 758 00:30:54,320 --> 00:30:56,300 but it wasn't like, I don't know if it's just me 759 00:30:56,300 --> 00:30:58,920 or if it's just kind of like, well, I think maybe partially, 760 00:30:58,920 --> 00:31:01,600 but I think mostly it's just that, well, yeah. 761 00:31:01,600 --> 00:31:02,960 I mean, you're here, aren't you? 762 00:31:02,960 --> 00:31:05,080 Like, that's kind of why we're all here. 763 00:31:05,080 --> 00:31:06,320 And really, oh yeah. 764 00:31:06,320 --> 00:31:09,540 And really everyone's just happy that you come back. 765 00:31:09,540 --> 00:31:12,840 So yeah, two years of sobriety, two and a half of recovery. 766 00:31:12,840 --> 00:31:14,840 I guess that's kind of the way I look at it now. 767 00:31:14,840 --> 00:31:16,120 But I'm really happy to be here 768 00:31:16,120 --> 00:31:18,000 and I'll be back in eight years. 769 00:31:18,000 --> 00:31:20,200 So I guess that's all I got. 770 00:31:20,200 --> 00:31:23,240 I thank my car, my sponsor, Quality Life. 771 00:31:23,240 --> 00:31:24,080 - All in all.